Can He Be Just and Fair Between His Wives?

polygamy 411

I carefully thought about what “just” and “fair” in a polygamous marriage is. In doing so, I concluded a man cannot be “just” and “fair” between his wives when he is polygamous. Why? It is because Allah swt (Great and Glorious is He) says a man can’t. It, however, does not mean that polygamy is not permissible or is unacceptable. Polygamy is permissible and is acceptable. It appears some wives expect way too much from their husbands when it comes to the husbands being “just” and “fair”. Some wives expect the impossible from them.

The man may wish to act “just” and “fair”, but finds he cannot. Allah swt tells us that men canNOT be “just” and “fair” between women no matter how much they may want to, but Allah tells them not to turn away from one woman altogether. What does it mean? We know Allah swt controls the heart. The man will love one woman more than the other. In loving one more than the other he  will incline towards one more than the other. One wife will probably see her husband loves his other wife more than her. He may show it. It may manifest itself. It goes back to the saying, what Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.

Some wives apparently are expecting too much from their husbands. If a husband displays more love for one wife over the other, should he take a beating for it? He didn’t put that love in his heart for the one over the other. Some will say, yes, it is true, but he doesn’t have to express it so that the other woman feels badly. Well, maybe he can’t help but express it. He is being himself. He is who he is. One should not expect a man to walk about as though walking on egg shells all the times so not to hurt a wife’s feelings. He will be himself.

I have read (not in the Holy Quran) that Aishah (one of Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives) was his favorite wife. Others noticed it. They observed it. It was clear. It was not hidden.

I think we all need to re-evaluate our thoughts on what “just” and “fair” in a polygamous marriage are, and base our conclusion on what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran (the word of God). Allah swt clearly lets us know a man cannot be “just” and “fair” as between women, but there are women who want to make their husbands do the impossible.

Allah swt in the Holy Quran says:

“Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, even if it is your ardent desire: but turn not away (from a woman) altogether, so as to leave her (as it were hanging (in the air). If ye come to a friendly understanding, and practice self-restraint, Allah is Oft-Forgiving , Most Merciful”.
Quran: Surah 4, ayah 129

In the preceding ayat, Allah swt says:

If a wife fears cruelty or desertion on her husband’s part, there is no blame on them if they arrange an amicable settlement between themselves: and such settlement is best; even though men’s souls are swayed by greed. But if ye do good and practice self-restraint, Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do.”
Quran: Surah 4, ayah 128.

Then there is the later ayah in which Allah says:

“But if they disagree (and must part), Allah will provide abundance for all from His All-Reaching bounty: for Allah is He that careth for all and is Wise.”
Quran: Surah 4, ayah 130

There may come a time when a woman will have to find what she can accept and what she cannot accept when her husband favors another wife over her. We see from the ayat above that she has recourse.

In earlier threads, we also discussed “fair” and “just” treatment of wives. For those who would like to refresh their memories, the links to the threads are as follows:

click children, women, justice and polygamy

click what is just and fair in a polygamous marriage

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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175 Comments

  • ana

    December 16, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    I think it’s a good time to end this post and begin a new one. I kindly ask everyone to join us over at http://polygamy411.com/love-allah-more/ I look forward to seeing you there, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 15, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    Alhumdulliah, the website problem is resolved. It was what I suspected. Many of the self-hosted sites, such as ours, were having problems with the downloads due to technical problems. The hosting company became overwhelmed with calls, chats, and support tickets. Something weird is still happening with my phone though. It could be something I did. I can see the comments and approve them, but can’t see who wrote them sigh I apologize for telling more of the movie (The Best Man’s Holiday” ) than I should have. My bad. Insha Allah, it won’t happen again.

    ummof4, Alhumdulliah! You are doing very well. It sounds you’re doing all the right things to stay healthy. I was talking with my dermatologist a couple months ago about my sister and she recommended I read a book, “Eat to Live” by Joel Fuhrman M.D. It appears to be a weight loss book, but it’s way more than that. It’s about how our diets cause diseases such as Cancer, Diabetes, heart problems and more. I bought the book and read it. It’s a very, very good book. I may have mentioned it here before; I can’t remember though whether I did or not. I have these senior moments laughing It was such a good, easy read. I didn’t want to put it down once I began reading it. Since the author wasn’t Muslim, a Muslim reader has to decipher what part of it to accept and what part to ignore, as with every written material other than Quran. For instance, we know that much of what is said in the book that is derogatory about meat and chicken we can ignore. If we eat Halal/Kosher meats we’re good. What he says about salads, fruits, seeds, nuts, and beans is fascinating. Ummof4, Insha Allah I’ll keep you in my prayers as I do everyone here. Always stay in good spirits and keep the faith. It’s all good my sister!!!

    Marie,

    Wow, you’ve got another boy. How wonderful. Alhumdullah. You’ve got three of those little buggers laughing How do you deal with all those males in your home? I’m very, very happy for you and Maureen. Don’t pay any attention to your husband’s other. A lot of wives catch a “case of the @$$” when good thing happen to other people. They can’t be happy with what they have. They don’t want anyone else to have anything. They can’t be grateful for what Allah swt has given them. It’s their problem. We have to try not to make it ours. It’s my new motto – it’s not my problem happy

    Aishah,

    I’m glad your little girl is okay and is out of harms way. You sound to be doing really well! Just think of all the barakats that we may be racking up by doing all that we do, just as long as we’re mindful of Allah while we’re doing it. It’s good to hear your husband is coming around to seeing things much clearer. After a while, they usually begin to see game when it is presented to them.

    Well, I’m going to run for the time being. I’m waiting for my wali/bestess to call me so I can drive over there and pick up my Sunday dinner. I’ve been doing things around the house all day such as cleaning and laundry. Oh, yeah, we got the snow, but it wasn’t much to talk about. It was enough, though. I tend not to care much about it, as I don’t have to go out in it anymore since I no longer work. If they don’t predict a power outage, I’m good to go. Alex is good driving in the snow, so I put my faith and trust in Allah that he’ll be alright.

    Aishah, Insha Allah, if we do somehow pull off a meet and greet sometime in the future, perhaps Jenny and I could put it together, as you suggested. It would be good to have it in New York City, as many haven’t been there before. We’ll see how it goes. Right now it’s just a thought. Everyone now seems to have a lot going on with new members of their families (babies), Jenny’s got her huge family and is working on more, plus houses, some being built and some renovated etc. I’m glad to hear so many are interested it it though.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 15, 2013

    Salaam everyone happy

    I hope the weekend is coming to a pleasant close for everyone.

    @Ana, the Captain Phillips trailer makes the movie look much more cool than the trailer I saw a while ago. I haven’t seen that movie, but definitely looks like something I would be up to watch when its available to rent. (mid-Jan it looks like). Thanks for worrying about me, its appreciated big grin I’m usually not that bad with getting back to people, but I was just consistently tired for some reason — just a funky mood I guess laughing The test results came in just a day before I wrote in, when I got it, I was thinking “oh man, I really should write in, and this will be some good news to add” happy

    I’m glad that you enjoyed the movie, “Best Man’s Holiday.” If its as touching as you say, I don’t think I could watch it. Ever since August & the reveal of the cheating, affair & 2nd marriage, I can’t stomach poignant movies, or romance movies, or even “feel good” movies. I’m just literally rolling eyes about them. I only watch comedies, action/adventure, horror or documentaries now laughing So I definitely look forward to checking out “Captain Phillips” and would support it (buy it) if I like it. The last movie I bought was “Pacific Rim” — it’s just a certain kind of fun, made me feel like a kid again and I watched it twice in theaters and had the blu-ray pre-ordered! lol.

    Oh and I’m glad the blog is still working, despite the upgrade issues big grin

    @ummof4, I’m glad to hear that you’re cancer free for 2 yrs, and that you will continue to be healthy, Insha’Allah! I also pray that indeed, Allah takes any pain any of us are put through as punishment in this life for sins, instead of the worse punishments we might have to face in the afterlife.

    @Marie, congrats also on your 3rd child! Very happy to hear that you and the baby are healthy! Enjoy your new baby happy

    @Aishah, hey you! You seem to be doing well. laughing @ the mental image of “Ana’s girl gang” pulling up in a limo! That would be something else!
    Hmm, yea phoning in during the other wife’s time for nothing important is pretty lame. If its not an emergency, its definitely just a way to lash out, in my opinion. There’s always a quick text if she absolutely had to talk to him, right? Well, I think your attitude is great about it big grin

    Ok, well, back to study for me. Keep me in your prayers everyone, test day is Jan 25. Sometimes I feel confident, sometimes I panic, lol. (its always been like that for me, for any test! UGH!)

  • Aishah2013

    December 15, 2013

    Marie congratulations! !! pray for patience!

  • Marie

    December 15, 2013

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    Just popping in very quickly, I gave birth to a healty baby boy on 4th december alhamdulilah, I’m sooo blessed to have 3 beautiful,wonderfulful sons. “Other” is acting up right on que, (sigh) insha’allah everyone is doing well. Haven’t had time to read all the post insha’allah ill get round to it, an throw my 2 cent in.

    Much salaams

  • Aishah2013

    December 15, 2013

    but as for me/ us he called later after going that way to check on one of the kids who had gotten hurt ( with going both ways he doesn’t see how often things just happen and I take care of) I let him know I was taking care of it,shouldn’t need a trip to ER, but she would be OK.and she is. sleeping.drooling like a dog on my arm….so OK everyone have a great blessed day

  • Aishah2013

    December 15, 2013

    salaams, ..Jenny glad u r better.the flu is misery.glad u r able to help that woman, she needs all the help she can get…whether people accept it and change is sometimes another matter….a spa retreat souinds great..need some gym time,movie time w popcorn, prayer time, discussion group time.picturing ” Ana. ‘s girl gang” pulling up in some long black cars.hey maybe Jenny helped w that! spirit get back to books.glad your hub didn’t get worse report at this time . hey for first time I did hear hub being annoyed on phone w 2nd ( which. we all argue sometime, but this was maybe sounding like a phasing outta honeymoon thing.)he was with me in am after my night and it was after some cuddling..she called him to tell him she was driving self somewhere further away ( still has rental he pay out of his account)but didn’t know how to get there ( she is computer savvy and has GPS)he said he didn’t think she drove well enough to get there ( don’t know.think she can drive.takes an interstate that has construction being done to get to work)….so she gave him some talk bout not being available to go with her during week ( his work days ) and said he should come get her take her whereever this was, drop her, and come pick her up later…I guess I was surprised when he said no he wouldn’t do it.he had a headache anyway so….but that seemed like a bit of manipulation on her part…sure they made up later maybe he did see the ” drop everything now I need u” manipulation or showing off for me?…don’t know.

  • ummof4

    December 15, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Ana, please don’t tell the plot of a movie that everyone has not seen yet, at least not that someone dies. The snow that they predicted for our area never came, Alhamdulillah.

    Spirited, I’m so glad to hear that your husband was not diagnosed with liver cancer. I was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I know what it feels like to hear those words. I’m a two year survivor and try to eat right, exercise regularly, and keep a positive mindset. And above all, I try to obey Allah, thank Him and praise Him. Remember, any pain we may feel may be expiation for sins.

    Maureen, Mabruk on the little one. May he be one who sleeps through the night soon. I remember those first days of motherhood. Keep gushing and loving Elias.

    To all the ladies – Love Allah more than you love yourself, your husband or your children. Try your best to be His humble slave. Always help others in need. (Shout out to Jenny.)

  • Laila

    December 15, 2013

    Dear ladies, if there is a meet up…. Count me in! I don’t mind taking a flight and meeting you all in person winking

  • Laila

    December 15, 2013

    Dear Jenny…. Good to hear from you after soooooooooo long! Missed u so. Read your story about the Spanish woman and I felt so sad…. Thank you for helping her out. Why is she allowing herself to be in such a situation? Sometimes I wonder what still makes a wife / woman stick around. In my country right now domestic violence is really high. I wonder whether it’s got to do with the increase of cost of living standards. The government has set up a body that encourages people who wines abuse towards women to call and lodge complaints. So even if the wife is sacred to death, help can still come to her. Can you eloborate further? If you can that is.

    Dear Meaureen, I’m so glad you’re having fun and enjoying motherhood. Do get some rest though and eat good food winking and wear socks. It’s time to also get your enegy up winking

    Dear Ana, ive been glued watching Bonnie and Clyde the mini-series. It’s very interesting. I know about their story but last night I even went on to do my research about them on the net.

    Salam.

  • ana

    December 14, 2013

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    What’s weird about the upgrade and the problems it created, I can’t get a response from my hosting company, which is extremely unusual. They have a history of being johnny on the spot when it comes to resolving issues. I’m assuming they may be overwhelmed with complaints of the problem, and are awaiting a resolution from WordPress. I dunno.

    Spirited I’m glad your husband didn’t get a diagnosis of liver cancer. I’d take inconclusive any day over it. I know how frantic he must feel about it. A diagnoses like it could be totally life changing. As you stated, he’s on medication now, so he’s getting the medical attention he needs. I was very worried when I hadn’t heard from you, as I thought the reason was that it was not good news about your husband. Alhumdulliah, it was not the case.

    The most recent movies I saw were the “Hunger Game” and “The Best Man’s Holiday”. They were okay. The Hunger Game was more Alex’s type of movie. “The Best Man’s Holiday” touched my heart because the one actress was dying of cancer in the movie and died. Remember, one of my sisters just died from cancer this past August. So, it was touching. Spirited, I’m estatic that Tom Hanks and the Somalian actor are nominated for awards for Captain Philips. It was the last excellent movie that I saw. I told Alex that they both would get nominated. I so intend to buy the Blu Ray of it when it’s released. What an awesome movie it was.

    Well, I’m going to go offer Isha prayer and then do the workout that I blew off yesterday sigh I'm so not in the mood for it, but ...

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 14, 2013

    Salaam ladies!

    I haven’t posted in a bit, though I’ve been reading. I want to also extend a belated “Welcome aboard!” to alwaysforgive happy
    It’s kind of funny, every time I have sat down to post, either I get distracted by something, or I’m too sleepy and think “ok I’ll do it tomorrow” laughing

    @Maureen, I’m glad to hear that you & your baby are good and that you’re enjoying being a mom, that’s awesome big grin

    @Gail, that’s an interesting point, but I don’t believe that Pakistani parents encourage their sons to be so misbehaved. I believe that (mostly, not always) the parents have no idea what their kids are up to because they assume that since they’ve instilled religion in their children and taught them right from wrong, they’ll follow the correct path in life. This applies to girls too, I’ve personally known many who behave one way infront of parents and elders, and behave another way when out of sight. Its a disturbing trend and not just localized to one country or another. sad

    @Ana, blog upgrade sounds like many things could go wrong laughing Hopefully there will be minimal issues when you get it rolling! Have you seen any movies you would recommend lately? The last thing I watched was the 2nd Hunger Games (in theaters), it was enjoyable, but the heroine’s stiffness is a bit grating for yet another whole movie. I was ok with her character’s attitude in the 1st one, it made sense, but in an effort to make her seem so tough and cool, something seems to be going weirdly with the character. Hmm.

    Your plans for next weekend sound like fun! Family is family, after all happy

    @Jenny, so sorry to hear about the flu troubles :/ I hope things will be better soon and the rest of the season goes by without too many flu attacks. It was really nice of you to keep that woman on instead of firing her — though many would like to pretend that the economy is getting better, it’s not all that much different than it was years ago, so I imagine finding another job would be very difficult for her. Also, to be fair, I don’t think that this woman’s husband being a grade A a-hole has anything to do with being Pakistani — there are that type in any nationality, let’s not kid ourselves.
    I had never heard of the spa you mentioned, so I went and looked it up. Fancy laughing (but that’s not saying much, there’s quite a bit that I haven’t ever heard of, lol).

    And as for me, not a whole lot going on. I’ve been really slacking on studying lately (just kind of “bleh” whenever I’m sittin’ with the books laughing ). One good piece of news — sort of. My husband’s test results came in and the only thing the doc could tell us was that the results are inconclusive -_-. He put my husband on medication and said they’ll re-test in 6 months. I said, ok that’s not too bad, at least it’s not outright cancer and his liver’s condition is pretty good, according to the scans. But he says, since the results are inconclusive, that COULD mean bad news too, so its still a case of not knowing anything. To which I said he’s just being a worrywart laughing At least he’s on meds now, so that’s good.

    Nothing much else to update about. Sometimes I get a bit of a panic attack out of nowhere and I had a dream that startled me awake a few days back — it was actually kind of silly. I dreamt that I went to visit my favorite uncle except he was very old. Then, later on, I took a shower, and all my hair fell out =O. My heart was actually beating like crazy laughing Nutty stuff I tell ya, lol. Anyhow, I’ll talk to you peeps later. Going to try to get some actual studying in. rolling eyes

  • ana

    December 14, 2013

    Jenny, hey there stranger!

    I always get concerned about you when I don’t hear from you. I’m sorry to hear you were ill and I’m glad you’re feeling better.

    There is so much bad stuff going on with marriages involving foreigners. My mom called me yesterday and we chatted for a good long while. I was telling her of the problems Alex’s step-son from his ex-wife was having with his Moroccan wife. She knows his step-son, as Alex’s ex-wife and family, Alex’s family and mine have been together for various gatherings. My mom said she was always glad I had not married a foreigner. I was warned by a number of people not to do it. I had considered marrying a couple of Egyptians – not at the same time, of course laughing

    Insha Allah, I’ll be out with my mom and family next Saturday, as it’s my younger sister and brother (twins) birthday party. My sister has spent at least ten thousand dollars on this party thus far. I just can’t imagine. My older sister and her husband from Connecticut are coming to the party, as well. It should be a blast from the past (a number of the twin’s good friends from school days will be there. Afterwards, they’ve planned a big party at my younger sister’s home. her twin brother lives next door to her in a house she owns. I live about five minutes from them. People are getting hotel rooms and my mom and the others coming from Connecticut will be staying at my younger sister’s home. I’ve got a really cool black get up I’m going to wear. A long black sweater with frills and stuff, real fancy, over a black pair of slacks and a Jewish head wrap/hat. I don’t know what it’s called, but it has the same netting in it that the sweater has, plus black beading. I’ll wear a white shell underneath that has silver – what you call it? I’m bad at describing clothes LOL I got the sweater one day when Alex and I were at an airport in South Carolinah or some place for a flight layover on one of our vacations.

    Oh, well, I got carried away there. Speaking of getting off topic. Jenny, I’m glad to hear the renovations on the building are coming along well. It’s especially good to hear all is still going well with you family in Pakistan. It’s really extremely difficult not to like you, Jenny. You’re one of a kind, in a very good way. It’s nice you’re helping out the Spanish girl, too. So many people out there are hurting badly.

    Anyhow, enjoy the movie, Jenny. happy I want to see the Wall St. movie starring Leonardo DeCaprio. I think it begins Xmas day.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 14, 2013

    u235sentinel,

    How are you, buddy? It’s good to hear from you, as always. We never stay on topic, so no worries. Thanks much for sharing the articles. It’s much appreciated happy What good news!!! It confirms what I’ve said on the blog since it’s inception. If one refrains from having multiply marriage license (multiple marriage licenses land them in the area of bigamy, which is a criminal offense) then it extremely rare that anyone would care much about the “polygamous marriages” that takes place in the United States. The ones who have the written contracts when the husbands have legal contracts with others simply don’t get the recognition of a legal marriage. And yes, we do have religious freedom in the United States. People cohabit intimately all the time without being married. There’s even “Common Law” marriages, but call it “polygamy”, some want to throw a fit. It’s way crazy, if you ask me.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    December 14, 2013

    I would love to go on a Poly 411 trip!!! Please, oh Please, Ana?!? happy I would love to get away, getting massages and chatting over tea! happy Heck, why can’t we meet up at Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door Spa? laughing

    I have been very sick this past week with the flu/bronchitis. No more flu shots for moi! Every year I get that damnable shot, I get the flu several times ~ all horrible. One of those days I was so sick, I EVEN LEFT WORK! That scared the hell out of my husband because I’ve never taken off sick. Today I feel a slight bit better. I’m going to see Madea’s Christmas at the movies this afternoon. I love all Madea movies ~ they are so funny.

    The other day I was on Skype with the oldest and hubby was sitting at his desk. Ibi told me his mother said she hopes I feel better soon and to drink lots of tea. My husband’s head snapped up in shock. I told him to chill ~ we’ve talked many times. Could have knocked him over from the shock! laughing

    The renovations at the building next door have been coming along well and will be completed in another few days.

    I was reading the post from Josh. She sounds just like a women my husband hired as a dispatcher trainee. She is Spanish and married to a Pakistani man for a long time ~ has an 18 year old son. Yesterday she broke down to me and my office manager that her husband forces her to work to support another woman, she wears sunglasses because her husband beats her and she describes her life as a living hell. She is not allowed to speak and has to cower when her husband is around. She asked me how I handle being married to a Pakistani man and how I get away with all I get away with. In addition to working for my company, she also sells Avon. I ordered $600 from her just to boost her self-esteem.

    My husband was going to let her go because she is just not picking up the job. I told him what I knew and we are keeping her on and will keep training her. Perhaps I’ll have to find something else for her to do. She needs to stash her money away. So many of the same stories…..

  • u235sentinel

    December 14, 2013

    I realize this is a little off topic BUT I just had to share somewhere! This is EPIC!!

    http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/56894145-78/utah-brown-family-sltrib.html.csp

    http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-rt-us-usa-polygamy-sisterwives-20131213,0,4207130.story

    I’ve been saying it will happen in a few years but I didn’t expect it to be this quickly. O_O

    Hope everyone is well and I often think of you all. Happy Holidays!

  • Aishah2013

    December 13, 2013

    Ana the spa and gym would be fun.we need to remember to take care of ourselves!! I am glad you and Alex are well.I need a good movie to watch too..

  • ana

    December 13, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    Tomorrow into Sunday, we’re expecting quite a bit of snow in the area in which I live. Alex left today so I anticipate I’ll get some workouts in, watch some movies and get some stuff done on my new PC the next couple of days.. I like the new “Windows 8.1″ thus far.

    I’m still waiting for the hosting company to help me out with the new download of the software to the server for the blog, which I’m experiencing problems with. The site isn’t loading properly on my phone, as well. I’m exercising patience, and am grateful the sites is not entirely down.

    @Maureen,

    Thanks for asking about Alex. He’s well. He’s picked up a new hobby that pays too happy. He likes it a lot. He gets a workout on while doing it. He said he needed something to help get his mind off things. I don’t pry about what things are, as understandably trying to support two families is challenging.

    He’s an easy going, good guy. We seem to be getting closer as the days go by. I just want to accept Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm and continue to live in peace and tranquility with him. It’s all good.

    I intend to keep you and your family in my prayers, Maureen. Maureen, you weren’t rambling at all about little Elias. I love hearing about him. Go on, and on and on about him here, if you’d like. I like hearing about everyone’s little ones. It makes me smile to read about them.

    @alwaysforgive,

    It takes time, a lot of prayers and being focused to stop obsessing over what may be with polygamy or what is with it. No one gets there overnight, so don’t be hard on yourself. Just take a day at a time and do the best you can. You’ll be just fine with the help and permission of Allah swt.

    Well, everyone, I think I’ll offer Ishaa prayer, maybe do some work on the computer for a while and then search through my dvds for a good movie to tune into and chill. I’m not feeling a workout this evening, as my allergies are getting the best of me – kicking my @$$. happy

    Got to Go Bye

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • alwaysforgive

    December 13, 2013

    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatu-llahi wa barakatuhu,

    …congratulations, for your baby, sister Maureen, may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala make him a light for you, and a winner on the Day of Judgment!…amin.

    …dear sis ana, thank you so much for the link and barakAllahu fiki, sis ummof4, it’s very helpful – I read it but I’ll wait with the translation to my hubby, for the right moment…in shaa Allah ta’ala… I enjoy my present time, but I can’t stop imagine and ask my heart about it’s feelings, you know what I mean… I know it may seem I focus too much on my hubby and what he wants – could also be I didn’t understand well, sis ana happy – and I also know, marriage is just half of deen, but I think, by doing this, by pleasing him, I please Allah subhanahu wa’ala…I think of so many ahadith, and I pray that I die, not only as a muslimah, but also leaving a pleased and contented husband behind…

    …may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala bless you all, my sisters, strengthen us and accept from us our good deeds and intentions as well, amin!

  • Maureen

    December 13, 2013

    Assalamu Alaykum, Ladies,

    @Ana ‘n Lynette
    Thank you much for your kind words ‘n please keep me ‘n my family in your prayers.
    I hope you ‘n your loved ones are all well insha Allah.
    Ana, how is Alex doing? I hope all is good with the both of you ‘n you do enjoy your days together insha Allah.

    @Aishah
    Thank you for thinking of me. I’vent been able to read all the comments yet so I do know what’s been going in your life, lately, but I pray you ‘n the kids are all fine ‘n things all is well between your hubby ‘n you insha Allah.

    @Kim
    How are you? I hope all is well on your end insha Allah.

    Gotta go now. Take care ‘n catch you later, Beautiful Ladies.

    Xx
    M

  • ana

    December 12, 2013

    I tried to upgrade the blog and the installation failed. You may have noticed a problem. I have hosting helping me trouble shoot it.

    Maureen, it’s so good to hear from you and you sound so happy. Motherhood certainty agrees with you. I am so happy for you!

    Aishah, It would be heavenly, if we lived near each other, could go hit the gym and do the spa thing. I love getting pampered. Maybe one day we all could plan a polygamy 411 getaway. We’d have to plan it a couple years in advance.

    Oh, well, I’m on my phone now and you all know how I feel about it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    December 12, 2013

    Wa-Alaikum As Salaam, Sister Maureen,

    Alhamdulillah! You and baby Elias are well!

    Don’t you DARE feel like you’re gushing over new motherhood too much! I am so happy for you — we all are.

    <3

  • Aishah2013

    December 12, 2013

    Maureen glad your son is a joy!!

  • Aishah2013

    December 12, 2013

    Gail thank you.all of your ideas are great for me.I must get back to gym!! the kids and their schoolwork discipling etc.keep me really busy after work.the job of parenting is..a big job!! yes I must make lists of things that I want to do, or take myself away a weekend.time for a hairdo and little shopping spree

  • Maureen

    December 12, 2013

    Assalamu Alaykum Everyone,
    Hope all are doing well ‘n all is good on your end.

    I am way way behind with the comments so I do not really know what’s the ‘latest’ with everyone of you ladies, but I hope you all are enjoying yourselves with or without husbands.
    To be honest, I can hardly keep up with all the three threads ‘n I do get confused very often.
    I am still around anyway ‘n am just popping to say Hi ‘n thank you.

    @Ummof4, Lynette, Laila, Spirited, Gail, Marie, Jenny ‘n Ana: Your posts are just amazing ‘n I am looking forward to readin each of them with eagerness.
    You ladies are so strong ‘n so mature masha Allah. I doubt I would get where you are one da, but I am working on it.

    Well, I can hardly find the words to express how I feel.
    I feel sooo very blessed, so very content ‘n so very ‘glowing’ since the birth of my son that I cannot believe it.
    He gives me so much ‘n I feel so many emotions I didn’t know I was able to feel.

    Allah SWT has given me so much alhamdu li Allah. I am so grateful ‘n thankful to Him for being so kind to me.

    This little bundle of joy was ‘n is worth all the pain, agony, anger, humiliation ‘n despair I went through ‘n did feel all those years of adultery/polygamy.

    I feel such a serenity I can hardly believe it’s ME (I hope I am making sense here) ‘n Elias I so ZEN masha Allah so much that I am enjoying every second of him ‘n with him.

    Alhamdu li Allah much for his generosity ‘n kindness.

    (My hubby is really jealous ‘n feels so left out because Elias does not seem to relax in his arms nor when with him which really upsets him. Well, he ‘Hubby’ can’t stand him ‘Elias’ when he is crying. He only likes to hold him when he’s smiling ‘n happy ‘n even then, only for a couple of minutes)

    I am not complaining, my luck happy
    I am there for him full-time ‘n I am thrilled.
    The reward is priceless alhamduli Allah.

    Sorry for rambling, I really need to stop otherwise you’ll get really bored.
    I am not the first ‘Mother’ in the planet after all.
    Sorry again, I just wanted to share my feelings with you.

    Well, I promise to be back soon, as soon as I finish reading your comments ladies. Mr. Elias keeps me so busy that I hardly have any spare time to relax happy

    Love ‘n Hugs to all if you beautiful ladies.
    M

    PS. Hilly, where are you? I miss you.

  • alwaysforgive

    December 12, 2013

    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatu-llahi wa barakatuhu,

    ma shaa Allah, I am overwhelmed… jazakAllahu khairan for your warm welcome…alhamdulillahi Rabbee alameen…

    @sis ana – thank you from my heart, dear sis…yes, it sounds sometimes like stereotypes but I know what you mean…and it is true, we need always a reminder, after all, iman and strengh are some day high, some other low…wa alhamdulillah for everything!…when I said I will be always here for my hubby, I meant, whatever he might do – I will relay on Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and try not to let my nafs over-handing…in shaa Allah ta’ala… I am also sure he would never want to hurt me, never, I don’t know, I thought he might unconsciously do it… or maybe it was my first instinct of self-defense happy… but, alhamdulillah, dear sister, I understood what you mean… that we are actually victims of ourselves – but only after finding and reading this blog… all comments and advices, here, are really helpful, I learn from your experiences and they’re like heart-softeners…

    @sis ummof4: JazakiAllahu khairan, for your kind and lovely words, I feel like not being thousands of miles away …alhamdulillah, for the love fi Allah in our hearts!!…

    @sis KA126 barakAllahu fiki, in shaa Allah ta’ala, I will enjoy my life and will focus on my deen… hasbi Allahu wa ni’mal wakeel…I wish you the best in dunia and akhira…

    @all sisters: I am just happy to having find you, alhamdulillah… you are the real special ones, may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala reward your striving on His path, with the highest of Jannah al Firdaws…amin

  • ana

    December 12, 2013

    Josh,

    I pray Allah swt forgives me for calling your husband an offensive name. Insha Allah, I’ll do better…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 12, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Kim,

    For whatever it is worth, I think you are doing wonderfully. Continue to ignore him as best you can, and be patient with the procedures it takes to get him out of there or for you to move and leave him behind. I know it may seem like forever, but you’ll be on your way or he’ll be on his before you know it. He probably is just trying to work your nerves and get you upset. Allah knows best. Don’t fall for it. I’d like to see how those two pan out together once with each other full-time. They deserve each other. You deserve better. Insha Allah, begin a new, Kim. It’s all good. Whatever you do, don’t forget Allah swt. Don’t turn your back on Him. He will see you through it all, and ease your way for you. You must believe it. I pray the best for you thumbs up.

    @Josh,

    I’m a bit late welcoming you and I apologize. If you’re still here and reading, I agree with all the advice that everyone has given you. There is nothing more I can add. Make an exit plan to escape from that Loser sign (if you’re not familiar with the sign, it means LOSER!!!). Ask Allah swt to help and guide you. We’re here for you, if you need to talk.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    December 11, 2013

    @Laila,

    I know you are probably right. I think the was was (shaytan’s whispers) are getting to me. Habibi is a good man and has always tried to uplift myself and the children. His motto is “Strive to succeed in Dunya and especially in Deen”. regardless of my jealousies and such, I don’t forget the fact that he is a good one.

  • Laila

    December 11, 2013

    Dear KA126, why don’t you take it that your husband really means well for you? If were you I’d take up the job. Who knows, maybe a new place, new friends and all might give you a different perspective of life. It may even uplift you? You’re so fortunate to have a husband that’s so understanding and motivating winking mine won’t agree to such a thing, hence the need to build up my own business. Anyway this is from my own perspective.

    Salam.

  • Gail

    December 11, 2013

    Spirited,
    I am against thinking anything negative.It is true that we as humans do it but as a whole I think it is such a waste of positive energy.So I do agree with that u should not play the blame game but in saying that it does not mean u should not hold him accountable to the truth understand?I am not saying do it in a nasty or hateful way at all.
    Now as far as Pakistani up bringing being somehow better than lets say your Average American Upbringing I would have to say I don’t think so.Although there are some truths in the girls being virgins until married most of them are very clueless and they live very sheltered lives until they are married off and have to go live in their husbands house.I personally do not believe u have to shelter a girl from the world to keep her sin free but that is just me.As for the boys OH MY they are down right NASTY the majority of them and have the morals of an alley cat to be frank.They Lie,cheat,steal,fornicate u name it and that is not the exception but the rule.

  • Gail

    December 11, 2013

    Aishah,

    I don’t think u really have to have a friend or friends to talk to in your situation since u have us here on the blog as a sounding board for you.I was thinking it is better for u to have other people in your life that u could do things with on days your husband is not with you for companionship and to have a life outside your husband so u would not have to continue to dwell and think and suffer so much.
    In your case I think everything has been made very clear as to what kind your cowife is and that she is just not someone u or the children need to concern yourself with to be honest.
    The hard reality is that it seems your husband is in this polygamous marriage situation for the long haul and sadly that means u are stuck living half your life alone.I know the children must keep u busy most evenings but I do wonder if u are emotionally lonely?I am left wondering if in your case it is time to figure out how you want to live the other half of your life.
    If you do not think u have enough time for friends maybe a hobby could be the answer but either way I don’t think talking about your situation is the answer.In your case it seems to me u need a little less talk and ALOT more action/moving on with your half of your life is my thinking.
    Here is my thinking if your husband is enjoying his life then why should u sit around and grieve over his shortcomings.I also want to say that I have serious doubts even that your cowife is in this polygamous marriage for the long haul given the information you have stated on the blog.
    Here is one thing I am strange about and yeah I am not living polygamy anymore but I would sure let hubby know that if he says one word or indicates any negativity toward you for lets say enjoying your time on his days he is not there with u I would let him know straight up he could stick his advices where the Sun Don’t Shine.So many men try to rule on the wives even when they are not around and I think that is some kind of crap personally.As long as u not doing sin then he has no rights to dictate what I can and can not do but that is just me and my thinking and boy I would not budge an inch on that.

  • KA126

    December 11, 2013

    @Alwaysforgive,

    Wa alaikum As Salaam… you sound like such a pious woman. Alhumdulillah! I believe the advise that Ana and Ummof4 gave you is spot on. Enjoy your marriage as is and focus on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala.

    As salaamu Alaikum my sisters and those that are new to the blog. I have been watching. My life has been the same since the last time I wrote. New developments have arisen, subhana Allah! I have been offered a job up north in my company. I am a little apprehensive of taking it because that would mean I would be living away from Habibi. He is encouraging me not to let him get in the way of my own success, but I’m like what kind of marriage is that? Maybe he wants to live monogamously with my CoCo for a while. Alhumdulillah! I will make ishtikara and watch for the answer. In sha Allah, it will be easy for us all.

    @Billy, I am so sorry for your loss. Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un Alhumdulillah you have a positive perspective about it. I don’t think an IUD is the answer though.

    May Allah Subhana wa ta’ala make it easy on all of us. Ameen.

  • ana

    December 11, 2013

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    ummof4, no, sad I haven’t heard a thing from Taazz. A matter of fact, I was thinking of her about a week ago. I, too, hope she’s okay. Perhaps she’s reading and, Insha Allah, will stop in to let us know she is okay.

    About Always Forgive, I got the same sense as you that she loves Allah and trusts Him. She sounds to be a special person happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 11, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, have you heard from Taazz, she disappeared a while ago. I hope she’s okay.

    Always Forgive, welcome. And no, you’re not the old one here, I fondly remember being 48 some years ago. In my heart and mind I feel like I have not aged since I was 35, the age at which I had my last child. Alhamdulillah, your husband is not hiding his desire to marry another woman from you. That is a blessing. As Ana says, only Allah knows the future; your husband may marry another wife and he may not. Stay focused on your own marriage and only discuss any potential marriage when it is absolutely necessary (when he feels he knows which woman he wants to marry).

    You sound like you love Allah and trust Him. Keep up that spirit; it will do you well. We’re here for you if and when you need us.

    May Allah guide us all to His truth and strengthen our faith and forgive us our major and minor sins. May Allah purify our intentions and purify our hearts.

  • ana

    December 11, 2013

    alwaysforgive,

    You said to your husband, ” but please try not to hurt me to much, if you can…” The hurt that we feel comes from what is inside of us and not what our husbands do, as Allahs says we can bring no good or harm to ourselves except as He wills. I’m sure your husband loves you, and doesn’t want to intentional cause you pain. The pain comes from within ourselves and we have to work on purifying our souls, particularly we must ask Allah to do it for us. So, try to focus more on you internally than what your husband does externally.

    Another thing, alwaysforgive, don’t put yourself down by thinking you are older and it’s expected that your husband will want another wife. Many men desire women and more than one. It’s not a reflection on you. Remember our Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) wife when he was monogamous was fifteen years older than he was. Many of his wives when he was polygamous were older women. Don’t go there with the age thing. Everyone gets older, if they continue to live. Should your husband marry a younger woman, she too will grow older, and she may have to adjust her way of thinking about age. Don’t go there with the age thing, sister.

    Another thing, I want to suggest to you; don’t go out of your way to try to accommodate your husband THINKING that he may not marry another if you give him more attention etc. You could try to be the best wife there is in the world and it wouldn’t matter, if Allah swt has decreed for him to marry another. Whatever you do, do it to seek the good pleasure of Allah, and have it account as a good deed. Don’t make it about your husband. When we do good seeking the pleasure of Allah, those around us who are deserving (Allah decides) receive the benefits of the good deed as well.

    We’re hear for you, if you want to talk more, always forgive happy I was in Germany for a lay over back in 2005/2006 when my husband and I went to Hajj. The little I saw of it made me want to go back and spend some time there. Alex had live in Germany for a while when he was married to his now ex-wife.

    One other thing; I really recommend you read the post http://polygamy411.com/advice-on-how-a-muslim-man-should-approach-a-polygamous-marriage/ by ummof4 and share it with your husband. Insha Allah, it will be helpful to for the two of you, and could open some dialogue between you two.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 11, 2013

    alwaysforgive, Wa Alaikum As Salaam happy

    It’s so good to have you here. I thank Allah swt much that you found this blog, and it has been helpful to you. Thank you for your kind words, as well. Sister alwaysforgive, don’t concern yourself about your English or how you write. It really doesn’t matter here. What matters most is that we connect with one another in an effort to grow closer to Allah swt, accept His decisions and pass the tests that He gives us. Grammar, punctuation, spelling and the like should be the least of our concern here. What is most important is that we express ourselves however we’re able to do it. With that said, I want you to know mostly all of us here knows exactly what you’re going through. Most of us have experienced polygamy or have husbands who are considering it.

    The most important thing I can say to you is not to get so wrapped up in what your husband desires to do to the point it’s all you and your husband talk about or all you think about. You only deprive yourself of the time you have with him in a monogamous marriage, and deprive yourself of the enjoyment of it. Try to stay in the moment. No one knows the future. You don’t know whether Allah swt has decreed for your husband to have another wife. None of us knows whether we will be alive tomorrow. Whenever we’re dwelling on the past or going into the future, it is only Satan who wants to distract us from the here and now. We become so preoccupied with the past and future that we lose today.

    You already know that Allah permits polygamy for men and from reading this blog, you know you are not alone in what you’re feeling. My best words of advice is to put Allah before your husband. Work on your relationship with Allah. Turn all your attention to Him, as He instructs us to do. He will see you through all of whatever happens in your life as long as you do your part with regard to worshiping Him. His promises are true. I know I sound like a broken record a lot of the time, but what I said is the truth and it’s an excellent reminder for me.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    December 11, 2013

    Dear Lynette, I’ve seriously taken into account what you’ve said in terms of cutting back. What a coincidence! I was supposed to trade in my Honda and get an upgrade. I viewed a Citroen D5 hmmmm I think that’s the name of the model and a Mitsubishi SUV, but looks like after what you’ve advised…. I think I can just maintain and service my Honda and use it for a couple more years. I’m completing my hire purchase payments in another year and a half and once I’m done I can use that cash as monthly savings. I’ve even stopped the guys that clean my cars in my condo. It’s a small amount but I’ve been thinking deeply into your advise. In short, I’m cutting out unnecessary things and I will use that money as savings on monthly basis. Not much but if I start now and now dip into it at all, I think I’ll be comfortable when I’m old. I plan to retire to Bangkok and buy an apartment there when I’m done with all my responsibilities here. That’s a place that’s very special to me. It brings me peace and happiness. So who knows, my dreams in my old age may come true. Tq so much for the advise. winking

    p.s I think you and I are so similar. When I get so tensed up, thanx to my other half, my body hurts so bad. I’m suffering from a back ache now.

    Salam.

  • alwaysforgive

    December 11, 2013

    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatu-llahi wa barakatuhu to all on this wonderful blog,

    and kind regards from Germany…I am a reverted muslimah, already 48, my dear hubby is a bit younger, we have 3 children, 2 teenage daughters and my 21 y. old son from my first marriage…alhamdulillah we are all well and we love and live our religion, alhamdulillah… I didn’t really search for something like this blog, but nevertheless, subhanAllah, I’ve found it!…though I think it had to be, and Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala knows best!…and, barakAllahu fikum, you all helped me a lot!…no, I am not (yet) in a plural marriage, but my hubby has told me about a year ago, that he wants to remarry, so soon as he finds the (other) right one, for him…sooo…I ‘ve hidden that sudden heartache and I said, ok, I’ll try to do my best, in shaa Allah, I know it is your right from Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, so I’ll be always here for you, but please try not to hurt me to much, if you can…that was all… you will perhaps think, what does she want, after all she is not young any more…I do think like this my self, some times, but, subhanAllah, my heart doesn’t – it feels like it has never grown older …subhanAllah… anyway, I wanted to thank so much, you all, and especially sister Ana, for this wonderful site, for its threads and posts – you all, you have make my heart feel easy and confident in that, it could be tomorrow, in a few months or in a year – I will be able to handle it the best way, for the sake of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, and for the best of all of us, in shaa Allah ta’ala…please excuse my poor way to write, I have much more thoughts and feelings that I could put here down in words, considering I am not used to do it in English, but I will continue to read your posts, as I’ve did it almost every day… I am sure there are many like me, out here, who just take silent part and only make Du’a for you….I trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and I count on your help too, to prepare my best for what ever Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will decide for me and my family…

    …JazakAllahu khairan again and may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala grant us all, the best of this life and the best of the hereafter and let us die as muslims, amin….

  • ana

    December 11, 2013

    In my reading this morning (I read a little of the Quran daily when not on menses of course. I go from cover to cover and then start over), I’m at the ayat that pertains to what we’ve been discussing about children, so I thought to share it here:

    “To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills (and plans). He bestows (children) male or female according to His Will (and Plan),
    Quran: 42, Ayah 49

    “Or He bestows both males and females, and He leaves barren whom He will: for He is full of knowledge and power.”
    Quran: Surah 42, Ayah 50

    There are other Ayat in Quran that relate to the above, as well. I just read these two right now.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    December 10, 2013

    Wa alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatu,
    Good to hear, I just wanted to make sure I wasn’t coming on here painting such an ugly picture of my husband when really he is a good man, just insensitive I guess, or inconsiderate in this topic of polygyny. But mashaAllah our talk with the Sheikh really seemed to open his eyes, I pray he is kept this way so that should polygyny ever happen it will be much easier on me. But we can’t control others so we just gotta keep loving one another faults and all happy

  • ana

    December 10, 2013

    Lisie, Hello

    I am going to forward the contact information to you regarding what we discussed briefly. I received a response via email yesterday, as I had anticipated, but just got to it a moment ago. Please check your email. Thank you!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 10, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Ruqayya,

    It’s good to hear from you happy I probably didn’t properly use words to convey what I meant when I stated I “feel” for you. I meant I understood what you were going through, but didn’t mean it to sound like “pity”, in case it came across that way. I don’t pity anyone here, as we’ve got some very strong ladies in our “gang”, as Spirited’s husband referred to us, here LOL. Everyone handles their own pretty well happy

    I think communication is way important when we’re in polygamous marriages; I should say it’s important in all marriages, but especially polygamous ones. Husbands need to know they can talk to us, and have no reason to lie. They mostly lie out of a sense of fear, which they shouldn’t have towards us. You and your husband sound to have a good relationship as you both can communicate freely. and easily.

    Ummof4,

    It was snowing here where I live, and looked like a winter wonderland when I woke up to go out at 9:30 a.m. I went back to bed thinking it was going to snow all day. I got back up at 11:30 a.m. It had stopped snowing so I went out and purchased the laptop. Insha Allah, I’m going to go spend some time with Alex before he goes to sleep. I was reading some of the posts from my phone earlier. I still have to catch up a bit.

    Gail,

    I think you gave Aishah some really good advice about things to do to occupy her time, and take her mind off her polygamous situation.

    Aishah,

    I wasn’t much concerned about you when you checked out for a while, as I thought I may have come across a bit hash. But, I knew you’d bounce back eventually and you’d be okay. You’re way tougher than you probably think you are. I have no doubt you’re going to be just fine. Don’t give up on your marriage. You’ve got too much invested in it. The grass is not greener on the other side.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    December 10, 2013

    @Ana, please don’t feel for me, I do come on here to vent about polygyny with my husband but I never do talk of all the good he does.
    Sure at times he can be blinded by his lusts BUT he does take the time out at least a few times a week to take me out, or spend some quality time, now that he works it’s impossible to have quality time every day.
    I have made my needs and demands very clear, I have a much much higher sex drive than my husband, God only knows why, and he knows that I will leave if I am forced to due to fear of zina and /or other haram things so he has to remember that if/when he choses a second wife.

    As for me I’m cool, some days I think I wish he had a second wife so that I didn’t have to come home right now and entertain him, I could stay out with my friends and family and not feel guilty. But I know practicing it isn’t that simple.

    @Billy, try not to feel guilty about not feeling bad about the miscarriage. It was qadr and your feeling bad about not feeling bad isn’t going to change anything, it wont make you a good mother if the time comes, it wont make you a bad mother if/when the time comes.
    I personally don’t believe in hormonal or invasive methods of birth control but condoms really suck, I stick to withdrawal but I am not really fussed if I get pregnant or not. I’d rather not, but it’s kind of a risk we are willing to take and would be happy if it happened in a way, even though we won’t plan for it yet. I understand that it isn’t a risk that everyone is happy to take.

  • Aishah2013

    December 10, 2013

    Gail meant to say thank you.yes sometimes its a lonely process.that’s why I joined the blog.who else understands it?! I have a couple friends and I’m close to my sister.but this isn’t a part of my life I have shared with them.his family is aware …pretty much they are of opinion that I should be divorced, so again its not a real open topic for me.( Muslim and non Muslim). so I come to my blog sisters….still picturing the horse! funny how it stuck in my mind.happy.

  • ummof4

    December 10, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu,

    Spirited, I too reared my children in a strict manner. However, I allowed my daughters to go places with their brothers; they did not have to wait to go with their husbands. This made them feel less sheltered and constricted. For many years there has been and continues to be a double standard concerning virginity in this country and around the world. Good religious girls, regardless of their religion, are expected to be virgins when they marry. It’s okay for many people if a good religious boy has sex before marriage; remember males can’t get pregnant. Many, many, many young Muslim men around the world have sex before marriage, I guess you didn’t know about that, or the males in your family hid it well previously. We as Muslims and those of other faiths who still acknowledge that sex outside of marriage is a major sin have to constantly remind ourselves and others of that fact. Mothers and fathers have to have the same standards for their sons as they do for their daughters; it is not a part of Islam to have these double standards. And we have to continue to remind all of our young people, male and female, that premarital sex is haram in any form.

    The same thing is true for intoxicants of any kind. We as Muslims are forbidden to use any type of intoxicants, legal or not. Drinking alcohol is haram, so let’s not take it lightly ladies. Let’s try to help ourselves and others to get rid of bad habits.

  • Lynnette

    December 10, 2013

    @Sister Spirited,

    Personal security, praying for the souls of the departed, and VOILA! I was on your doorstep!

    ::crying laughing::

  • Gail

    December 10, 2013

    Kim,
    You go Girl I am happy to here u are moving along with your divorce.I think your life is going to be so much more peaceful in the long run without him mentally disturbing u all the time.

  • Spirited

    December 10, 2013

    Salaam everyone,

    I dreamt that I had already replied, but then I realized that no, that was just a dream laughing

    And first of all,
    @Josh, hitting you with his belt? What, is he living in the stone ages? There’s no excuse for him to be beating you at all. Even the Quran only lets men strike their wife LIGHTLY and as a LAST resort for something she is obviously wrong about! You should definitely not put up with that kind of abuse. Physical abuse is the only thing that I would say is a definite “exit now” reason, polygamy or not.

    Like others have said, I hope you have a support system among your family/friends or through your country or state’s support groups to fall back on. You may still love him, despite all the abuse, but its not worth staying with him, in my humble opinion. I’m not even touching the polygamy issue, because the abuse issue is much more alarming.

    @Gail, I hear ya about how he should have thought about all these things before he married her. Quite obviously, he wasn’t thinking with his brain if you get my meaning winking Also, I don’t like to think about what he was doing as far as sex. 1. Its in the past and constantly thinking over it isn’t going to change anything. 2. thinking about it is just going to drive me nuts laughing I do find myself saying “you should have thought about this-or-that before marrying her.” another thing I’ve said alooooot (its almost a habit now, but I’m trying to stop it laughing ) “well that’s not my problem, I didn’t sleep with her and have a baby did I?” I don’t like chastising him like that and it makes me feel petty, so I have definitely got to stop it (for myself).

    One thing about the “pakistani” way of raising kids is that it definitely is a good deterrent from sinning, so I’m definitely grateful for that, make no mistake. Just recently, two cousins not much younger than me were talking casually about dates and “booty calls” and sex in cars — with muslim girls no less! I was (and still am) shocked and dumbfounded. I never expected these cousins to be engaging in “dating” let alone pre-marital sex — and they talk like its no big deal! And their parents have no idea. Its just unbelievable to me and I was pretty depressed and shocked about them just so casually talking about it. One of them I hadn’t seen for 2 years (the cousin in the army) and the other one just had not spoken too much about this sort of thing until last night all of a sudden. sad Its like muslims have no morals anymore, its really upsetting to me. But then, the way most muslims only do Friday prayer (if even that) and haven’t even cracked open their dusty Qurans — it’s no wonder they’re in this state. [insert long sigh here] :\

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on prayers happy Also, I’ve read the book for a high school class (Diary of Anne Frank) but not seen the movie and I agree, it is interesting how her wish played out.

    @Lynnette, yes ma’am, the way you manage to somehow connect your thoughts and bring them around to talking about me is always entertaining! That last one I still haven’t figured out yet — how did you go from real estate to thinking about me? laughing Real estate talk made you think of personal security and that led you to my journey to med school? Thank you also for sharing the story of your friend Aaron, remembering must have been difficult, but hopefully he (and you) have found peace. I’m hopeful you guys will help me keep it real, as you say happy

    @Laila, <3 thanks for your encouragement! I love the stories of the events in your days. I always look forward to hear what you've got to share (I don't see it as bragging at all). big grin

    @Billy, sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Happy to hear you are doing well happy Take care of yourself first and foremost!

    @Aishah lol, wishing erectile dysfunction on your husband! laughing I was almost dying of laughter at that! Well you know there's always viagra or cialis for that rolling eyes That reminds me of an actual death that happened with viagra, which I think was funny and a sort of "karmic justice". A husband and wife were having dinner (i forget if it was a special night or not) but the wife had prepared a special dinner and had crushed some viagra into the husband's drink so he would be good and ready for what she hoped would be a great night. However, after dinner, the husband excused himself, saying he had to take care of something suddenly at the office. He was actually headed to a mistress he was having an affair with. Being an older guy, the woman wanted to enjoy herself and she ALSO crushed viagra in his drink. As they were going at it, he died due to complications from the viagra overdose and all his dirty laundry was revealed this way. heh big grin

    Hmm well I have a few things to take care of. Talk to you ladies later happy <3 & prayers for you all.

  • Lynnette

    December 10, 2013

    @Sister Laila,

    If I could only bottle some of this stuff I learned along the way and just send it to you as a younger sister….

    Look at your current allotment from your husband. If, due to circumstances completely beyond your control, that allotment had to be cut by 20%, what would you change? Therein lies your husband’s help to you with your long-range savings.

    Look at your current income. If 10-15% of that disappeared, what would you change? Make it disappear, and save it.

    You must — just must — treat long-term savings as a bill to be paid in order to derive maximum benefit. One less outfit, keeping your car a bit longer, one less luncheon out– whatever the short-term sacrifice; you can achieve your long-term goal.

    Don’t delay it. Time is not recoverable. winking

  • laila

    December 10, 2013

    Dear Lynette, I meant to get back to you sooner. I have typed out a financial plan / goal for myself. I am goint to start contributing back into my retirement fund starting January 2014. Currently very busy with the number of student registrations in my centre. Hopefully If everything goes as planned I shall be able to open up a branch by end of next year. I feel that I can’t rely / trust my husband to plan anything substancial for me. Better I know now then later! happy So…. my work is my focus right now. Nothing else.

    Dear Ummof4, no Ive not contacted him further. I just don’t want to start anything with anyone. In fact, Im cutting out crappy, meaningless meet ups. Im supposed to attend a health high tea this Saturday. Im cancelling it. It doesn’t fit my agenda of my work schedule. People will always need us when they need to promote something, and Im not about to waste my time listening to something that I already know. My work is my main focus.

    Salam.

  • laila

    December 10, 2013

    Dear Rasha, I think that i’ve mentioned that I will write in soon to maybe help you to see matters in a different light. I’m a second wife…. as many second wives in my country and neighbourhood [ where there are a few polygamous families ] I don’t see myself having any special treatment whatsoever. Sometimes I feel, Ive given in so much to make so many parties happy, and in the long run, ran over my own happiness. You said that you wonder why [ correct me if im wrong ya ] that right after the demise of the second he’s interested to take on another? Guess what? We will all never figure that one out….. men in my point of view can be very very how should I put it, unpredictable. He seems to be a good provider and he says that he loves you, I feel that that in itself is already good. Some may disagree, but then again, everyone’s entitled to their own view points. As long as you’re not getting beaten up, abused mentally and physically, I think some of your problems are sort of sorted out.

    You touched on the need to be edequate. We can never be such to our husbands. My husband finds my co-wife to be a very homely person, and a real good mother. He says that with me, he gets excitement and enjoys the conversations that we have and that I understand him and likes that I treat him like a lover / friend / husband. Initially in my marriage, I did had real crazy ideas about him doing it with my co-wife. It ate me up alive! I used to be so grumpy, edgy and yes, just like you, at some point, I used to not do it with him…. Then it hit me….. This is pure stupidity on my part! Why am I wasting my time and energy into stupid things that honestly just don’t concern me at all. I stopped and it wasn’t an overnight move but it happened at a gradual pace and I now just…. don’t care! happy It’s none of my business. My husband told me recently that they stopped doing it years ago, because she told him that his d*** is dirty and filthy and I guess knowing that men too have emotions, he just totally shut down on her. Why he told me? He was a bit tipsy with the wine he took, and I saw that it bothered him. It bothered him that she no longer was intimate and loving. It bothered him that they now sleep in separate rooms. It bothered him that now…. the fire was out. Do you want to do that? I leave that to you.

    Being capable, or enough is a bold statement. I think even I can’t be enough for my husband. I too lack many things. Yeah some men marry to cover adultery up. Yes, there’s a percentage of them out there. But not everyone’s a bad old wolf. Yes, it also takes two to tango. At some point in this year, my husband was sort of seeing someone and I knew. Long story short, someone from his office called me and told me everything. As a wife, when you are with someone long enough, you know the changes that they are going through. I cried for days. While washing the dishes I would ask myself, wasn’t the love making enough? Wasn’t I not doing a good job of managing our home? Wasn’t I good enough at cooking? Was my treatment towards him at home good enough? At some point I realized, that I was putting myself to be a slave…. which isn’t healthy in any marriage. I actually backed back and told him that if he wishes to remarry, go ahead. But make sure it’s a good woman, who can work with my co-wife and me. It also has to be a woman who’s familiar with the values of Islam. He denied full swing, and now it’s over. But till today, I do my best and back back a little at times. I don’t want to be anyone’s slave. I do my best and leave the rest to Allah s.w.t.

    In Gail’s older post, she talked about choices. I read in over and over again. It’s true. Life is full of choices. You either make good ones or bad ones, and after that, you live with it. I can only tell you this, focusing on your husband being intimate is crazy. Crazy because it will consume you, consume your feelings and later eat away at your marriage. You decide. It’s a path that only you have to take and make the best of it. May Allah s.w.t. bless you with clarity and peace.

    Salam.

  • Lynnette

    December 10, 2013

    @Sister Ummof4,

    Diaphragms are awesome: sure, it may be like riding a bicycle in the jet age, but a bicycle is safe and reliable — just as a diaphragm. I, too, fear IUDs, and I am especially nervous about the Mirena IUD.

    If you need any help at all coordinating a resource for anyone, ever…Sister, I am at your disposal. I don’t profess to know everything, but what I I do know or can find out is available to you anytime.

    Sister Josh’s situation scares me a bit. I feel that her husband is more interested in abusing his first wife than he is in polygyny.

    @Sister Billie,

    In Shaa Allah, you can maintain your healthy attitude, Sister. Indeed, Allah (swt) is the decider of who will be born, and to whom. Take good care, and be well.

    @Sister Ana,

    The Blog is no longer an advertisement for Viagra, YAY! I was so appalled when I saw that yesterday. Today, in light of Aishah’s comments, I am kind of laughing…

    @Sister Aishah,

    I would not quite say that it’s “beating a dead horse,” but I admit, your husband seems to have gotten himself into an interesting bit of foolishness. And I’m sure we’ve all heard it said, “no fool like an old fool.” May Allah (swt) enlighten him.

  • Laila

    December 10, 2013

    Dear Josh, my advise?!…. Leave!! The kids shouldn’t be made as an excuse. They don’t need to live in such a volatile family structure. Your boys, if you have them need not see that beating women is the norm, your daughters need not also feel that women are made to be the punching bags of men. Clearly he entered I to another marriage without thinking things through. He’s telling you to bring in the money so he can channel his funds to her. That’s not a fair, and good marriage. Your only options are to leave him and start your life all over again. You can do it. Just like you have faith in our creator, Allah s.w.t. You paso need to have faith in your abilities and what you will tolerate / endure as a woman. Your self respect is also out the window. You don’t need this, and best of all your children deserve the right to be brought up in a good, loving home.

    Salam.

  • ummof4

    December 10, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and Hello to all the ladies,

    Billy, I understand how you feel and you are not a bad person at all for not feeling sad about your miscarriage. Only Allah decides if and when a child will be born. So you are feeling good about Allah’s decree. That’s an Islamic attitude, not a bad one. However, I would advise against the IUD. They do move and I know of a case where it entered the uterus and was in the baby’s head when it was born. I had one ages ago and would not recommend it for anyone, the risk of infection is too great. Does the diaphragm still exist? I used that years ago when I was still doing family planning because I never liked the idea of birth control pills or any chemicals or hormones being put into my body.

    Josh, you confused me at the beginning with your name, which appears to be male. Your situation as you described it is one of domestic violence. If your husband beats you and neglects you and your children, that is domestic abuse and violence. My advice is for you to seek help and leave the situation before it is too late for you and your children. You are correct, a wife cannot change her husband, and you cannot change your husband. Only Allah can do that. If what you say is true, your husband does not appear to have any love or respect for you. That is not the type of marriage that you want your children to grow up in. It will cause them to have the wrong perception of what married life is supposed to be. Marriage is supposed to be peaceful and loving, not full of abuse – physical mental or emotional.

    From what you described, his marrying another woman is less of an issue for you than his abuse of you. I do not know where you live, your family structure or your culture, but I pray that you are able to get help for your situation. If you live in the United States, there are many places that can help you. But first, you have to want to be helped. You are not his slave, as you stated, you pick your own friends. That tells me that you do have a strong character, Alhamdulillah.

    Ask Allah for help and guidance and Allah says in the Qur’aan, “Surely with every difficulty there is relief.” (Surah 94 Ayat 5). Allah will give you the help and guidance you need.

    If you want to be helped and need the places near you that can offer assistance, contact Ana by email and she can email me and I can try to find help in your area if you are in the United States. If you are in another country, maybe one of the other blog sisters can let you know where to seek help.

    I’m in the house for the second day due to the snow. Is anyone else snowbound? The funny thing is when my children were young, I went crazy on snow days with them in the house. Now I’m by myself on a snow day and I miss my little ones who are now grown with spouses and children of their own.

  • Kim

    December 10, 2013

    Wow @ Josh’s story. We sure have no shortage of men who take the polygamy option and run around the world with it but forget about what their responsibilities are. Good grief….if I were you I’d divorce that miserable SOB so fast he woouldn’t know what hit him. I take it from your post you stay for the sake of the children….that is crap. Sounds like he does nothing for them anyway except teach them how to be abusers and abusees. Life is way too short to live it this way. I don’t know where you live but if you’re in the west then have him arrested for domestic abuse and get outta dodge.

    Speaking of divorce….on my end that is what is happening. M is still in my house but he is full steam ahead with N…..on the phone with her constantly. I am ignoring it. I filled out and printed a joint petition for disillusionment of marriage and my friend who is a notary will witness the signatures, we’ll file and get it done, soon. I am THRILLED!

  • Lynnette

    December 10, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    @Sister Josh,

    Welcome to Polygamy 411. I, for one, am happy you stopped in. In Shaa Allah, we will be able to support you through this experience.

    Now, with that said…

    Do you have a support system? Have you got several children? Do you have an independent means of support?

    Sister, you have described behavior on your husband’s part that some of us might consider as abusive — behaviors such as beating you with a belt, and striking blows to your head. How do you feel about these behaviors?

    If he wants another wife, Allah (swt) has given him that right.

    Allah (swt) did not give him the right to abuse you. So, before I feel comfortable suggesting an alternative of any kind to you, I kindly ask that you inform us a bit more about your present circumstances.

    Additionally, do you have a private and secure means to access the web? Does he have access (in the form of passcodes, etc.) to your internet activity? Please Sister, take precautions in that regard to protect the privacy of your web access.

    Salaam to you….

  • Gail

    December 10, 2013

    Billy,
    I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage.I think u are very lucky if u do not feel bad about the loss of the baby.I am personally against any kind of contraception to prevent pregnancy but on the flip side of that if I were to get pregnant now I would want to shoot myself.For certain if I got pregnant I would demand my husband take a young cowife so I could hand the child to her and say congrats.Nope no more kids for me I have big dreams and big ideas and babies is not on my to do list anymore.Come to think about it getting Struck by Lightening would be on my to do list before popping out another munchkin.lol

  • Gail

    December 10, 2013

    Aishah,
    I am really happy to hear from u.I will be honest I was thinking like Ana to that u are beating a dead horse when it comes to your cowife and husband.However I have been thinking about u and wondering if u are basically going through all this alone or do u have friends.I am thinking in your case if u don’t have a really close friend in your life I think maybe in your case you would be better off making one really close friend or several friends that u and your kids could get to know and hang out with to expand your environment.I don’t know if u would entertain that idea at this time in your life but I do know that sometimes it is really good to have a friend to just go to see a movie or out to eat or just pick up the phone and call.I guess I am feeling that u are missing that closeness in your life since your cowife has hijacked your hubby for lack of a better word.I might be wrong about all this but for some reason when I read your post I get this feeling that u are really lonely and desire some kind of companionship.Again I have no idea if this is the case but if it is then I think maybe u should think to expand your horizons and think to start to think to meet new people.My thinking is it would help u to take a step toward your own happiness.

  • Josh

    December 10, 2013

    my husband wants to marry a woman whom he has made to divorce her husband for him and she too divorced him she used to say she wants to leave her husband to marry mine and at da same time wants my consent.
    i cannot tolerate this…as he confest zat he had sex wiz her as he loves her wiz no shame at all.He also wants zat woman to be my friend. I refused and told him i have my own personality and i choose my own friends.He feels guilty dat he was responsible for her divorce coz when she was still married he told my husband she didnt mind he was married and have kids. now zat she is divorced, she changed her attitude telling my hub zat he should look after her n not to bother too much about me n kids…which my hub did…he negleted ze kids…after works he didnt even bother to play wiz em…he says zat he is more responsible to her and my husband says dat its my duty to accept her .But why should i ,what was my mistake to bear this pain whole life and despite all this my husband has a great respect for a woman who divorced her husband for another married man’s saying. He also treats me very badly by abusive language and beats me often with his belt leaving black bruises over my whole body even he punches me on my head whenever he have issues whether petty ones or not.He should be the one to win.
    He is a very hot tempered person…very crazy…sometimes i want to leave him but for the sake of my kids …..but still i have faith in ALLAH…..
    I know my husband wont change..ive tried a lot to make him aware of ze bad things he is doiing and to fear our Creator but he lacks zeal….
    I dont wont him change for me but for the Almighty!
    I talked to my in-laws about his misconducts n about zat woman obviously zey were against ze idea of him to get married again as she is not of muslim faith n i think she is not willing to embrace Islam so far….
    Also my hub has so much loans to repay… n sometimes he gets angry at me telling me to bring money at home…coz it costs too much…he yells at me when bills comes….he askes me to cut off many things….To sum up my husb… is a living HELL!

    Plz sisters advice me!

  • Aishah2013

    December 9, 2013

    laila glad you spoke with your Co.keep it brief.that’s it.the less u put out there the less it is subject for misinterpretation.Ana my Co never said go take a douche..but many times after a conversation or text I would go hmm maybe that will be taken wrong and my phone would immediately ring big daddy to the rescue.why bother now.

  • Aishah2013

    December 9, 2013

    OK..towards God and I think its working…I stay more busy taking care of me and kids..and yes God deserves a whole lot more attention that my hub and his other….yes Lynette it may be of some benefit to have the papers pictures some day, no somehow he believes her story at this time.most stories end in a common theme of ” poor her.people have been so mean to her”…I’m going to find more learning experiences to go to keep moving forward…Gail can I do this long term? I don’t know.at times I feel like leaving and other times like I haven’t been yet guided to leave yet…I am in the delightful midst of menopause which sometimes feels really freaky considering young age of Co.but baby the man is hitting the big 5 0 milestone very soon.maybe we will both have a disruption of hormones.hee hee.love him but honestly may wish erectile dysfunction on him sometimes!!! laila glad you met your hubs Auntie after some time.sorry about your car.good luck on tests.with my Co if she met hub family what could she say about herself cause everything is such a mystery?….still thinking about lecture about divorcees/ widows and their ” societal problems” guess cause we r in USA the imam couldn’t really venture to discuss polygamy?..

  • Aishah2013

    December 9, 2013

    Thank you all for thinking of me.first Billie, I am sorry about your miscarriage.give yourself time to feel different things ( yes some of that is grieving too maybe just doesn’t manifest itself as that).don’t make fast or rash decisions.PS mirena iud. used here more than the copper, but also has side effects,hormonal stuff,back pain, and guess what mine ” migrated”..only into my uterus,not my brain or anything(think that’s Billie humor) but did require surgery to get it out.! …I will say prayer for u.Lynette,Gail thanks for asking. about me….I think I was a little quiet cause when Ana said I was beating a dead horse ( I really really enjoy your honesty Ana but I’m not as thick skinned as Jenny or Gail)…well at least it made me pause to reflect.mthen I got this picture stuck in my head of a horse with my husbands face standing in a barn..maybe the nameplate said “horses a$$) but it did make me pray to God harder to take some of the love I have for hub and funnel just towards

  • ana

    December 9, 2013

    Billy,

    I’m happy for you because you’re happy. Not everyone is cut out for motherhood. I am one of them. The motherly instinct never kicked in for me. I’m so glad you are well and good.Be careful about an IUD. I had one in years and years and years ago when they were faulty, and causing infections. I just had it for a few months or so before I been had it removed. No it does not make you a bad person at all.

    Well, I didn’t get my computer today because they didn’t have it in stock. I have to drive about an hour tomorrow to a different store to get one, a HP, the make I had before the Toshiba. It’s worth the drive. Inshs Allah, they’ll have one left when I get there.

    Well, I’m going to go do a workout. I’m talking on my phone right now. Inshallah I’ll get set up soon and will be able to talk more. Lynette I didn’t finish your story yet, but what I read of it was very sad about your friend.

    Laila, you are doing so good. Words can’t begin to describe how happy I am for you. Alhumdulliah. Your co wife may not be that bad after all. At least you can have a decent conversation with her unlike mine who says stupid stuff such as, “go take a douche”. Where is my rolling eyes smiley emoticon?

    This is an open house no need to knock just come on in

  • billy

    December 9, 2013

    i had a miscarriage a couple of days ago. i should be sad, but i’m really not. does that make me a bad person? i feel relieved, free, even relaxed to some degree… all i know is, i’m going to get a copper IUD and that sucker is never going to come out if i can help it.

  • Laila

    December 9, 2013

    Dear Ana, just one more before hitting the sack. Just think I want to share this with you and all the ladies here. I used to find it so hard to settle matters in my marriage that I used to be so down and depressed. Now finally a bit of organization has come into our lives and I’m happier now. Yes we still do fight and argue but it’s very rare now. He also learn to apologize when it’s his fault. Sometimes to reach the organizational part I think…. We women must learn to stand up for ourselves. I agree with Gails statements about her co-wife. As much as she’s to be pitied and stuff, she didn’t stand up for herself. It’s important that women have a take charge attitude when the situation requires it to be so. If not, till we hit our graves, s*** will always fly everywhere and in the end because polygamy is in itself a tough situation for the women, the wives get hurt. If this hurt is easily forgotten and forgiven then it’s easy. But the problem starts when one or both isn’t happy and keep tabs. I’m happy I rocked my boat, or else, I wouldn’t see the change I want to see happening. Compromise is good and attainable by all parties if all of us have the discipline to follow through and be clear with all parties. Clear meaning, a proper schedule, allotment of time and finance, and goals that each family has decided upon. Polygamy is not a burden then Im sure. But when something’s not right, we women must state the issue, and work on the issue in terms of solutions. Or else, everyone’s going to be bitter to the max! Nite all….. winking I’m so sleepy.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    December 9, 2013

    Dear Ana, and my beautiful ladies, I’ve just got to share this quick one with you all. Hubby took a flight to the neighboring country for work and because he was late I suggested that instead he take a taxi once he reaches at the airport tonight that I would pick him up. So he agreed. Funnily, I decided to do my deep thinking while driving there and out of the blue….. My co-wife called me. Looking at my handphone I was still thinking, should I or should I not receive her call. I finally picked up. I expected her to be her mean and sarcastic self towards me, so I was ready to bite back….. She asked me where our husband was and I told her that he’s boarded a flight in the morning and should be at her home shortly. I lied to her about picking him up. I know she lies to me a lot, and I’ve been the truthful one so far so this time I didn’t lie but I chose to divulge information that was necessary. She was shocked. Looks like our husband didn’t inform her….. Hmmmmm there’s going to be a show there tonight. But Ana, it felt so weird talking to her. We both were cordial and we kept to what was on the agenda. No sarcasm, no mean lines, no insults thrown….. Just simple basic talk. It’s amazing because she’s told hubbs that no matter what, she will never call me. It’s amazing what we say and what Allah s.w.t decides. It’s just a simple call, but we have to be careful to what we say, Allah s.w.t. May put us in a position where we’ve got to eat our own words up. I was so disturbed / felt weird / in wonderment / thinking about her call to me. Told hubby about it and he agreed that he was so busy that he forgot to inform her of him leaving for a day. Weird day….. By the way, I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m quiet? Someone hit into my Merc the other day and I had my Masters exams, was so swamped. Got to meet my husbands late mums younger sister after soooooooo long! First meeting by the way. She’s a teacher / headmistress but retired now. The first thing she said after hugging me, was…. I’m so beautiful looking winking that made me blush! Sorry my husband doesn’t say such things anymore to me. ;( the meeting went so well that on that same day we met up again but for dinner instead. So all is well, and yes my aunts husband is from royalty and he’s a writer. He’s so into motivational stuff and positive thinking. I was taken aback at his way of looking at things. So humble and loving. winking some people have such positive energy about themselves. Okay so that’s what’s happening in my life. If I’ve come across ar showing off, please excuse me ya girls. But just sharing my events.

    Dear Spirited…. ( hugs ) be strong and hang in there! Love u loads. The sisters here are making you see things that sometimes we don’t want to see. Seeing the real raw things hurt us, but through hurt, we truly find our inner strength! I can only say this to u….. It’s time for change! Embrace it now before it goes out the window. Your husband as much as you love him with all your heart and soul, needs to learn to not create excuses. Mine used to…. Till I told him to shut his trap up and respect my co-wife too. It didn’t happen immediately, but it happened gradually. Christian or not, she’s a woman too, and she’s got her right too. He should have known that before deciding to start something with her. Please, as much as you’re worried for his health now, don’t allow him to manipulate matters. Ure also responsible for the journey and positive outcome of your marriage. It’s not just him.

    Salam.

  • Lynnette

    December 9, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    @Sister Aishah,

    It is good to hear from you, Sister! I was concerned about you having not seen you here on the Blog for such a long time.

    Mash’Allah, you had the opportunity to go to hear the Sheikhs and their presentations. I am happy to hear that you found them informative and uplifting.

    In Shaa Allah, you and the children are doing well, and your husband is doing well, also.

    I have never commented much about your co-wife’s “orientation,” but I am very thankful that you have the evidence. In Shaa Allah, you will never “need” it. But Allah (swt) reveals what He would have revealed, to whom He will. I am sure that your husband doesn’t believe any of it — such a thing would be devastating to a man’s ego winking. But that information is power for you should you need to protect yourself and your family.

    Sister, I continue to make du’aa on your behalf. I’m just happy to hear from you, and to hear that you are well.

    @Sister Gail,

    I love your sense of humor! I just cannot be “funny” in print — it never works for me! Laughter is a gift, and it heals, Sister. I haven’t found a way to make it melt snow — but it heals happy

    You and I both would love to hear from Sister Jenny how she spots her deals. (It defeats the purpose of the “anonymous” on the blog — but if there is ever a NYC meet-up, I’ll wear a niqab. Maybe that will meet Sister Ana’s requirement for anonymity.) I’ve done real estate investments before; all were successful except my last one. I purchased it out of too much of an emotional motivation, overpaid for it, did extensive work on it that I wasn’t prepared to do, and then, the market crashed. The costs associated with renovations and repairs ate me alive on that property. Knowing all that I know now, I would prefer a building that justified a complete “gut job,” over trying to renovate (extensively) and repair existing housing stock. It’s behind the walls, in the wiring, the recesses of the plumbing system, etc. where you find your most challenging and expensive problems. So — subject to your own investigation and research — keep in mind that either: The building is in turn-key condition and the price is right — OR the building needs to be taken down to the studs and your estimates are in order. But the location being good, and the price being “right” trumps everything else. There are still deals to be found out here. Rent-to-owns still look promising in markets where there has been distress. Having the ice cream business for capital, and able-bodied sons to help are both blessings.

    Discussions about Real Estate Investment bring me back to Sister Spirited — Sister, don’t you just LOVE the ways that I manage to get back to you??? big grin

    You spoke about praying for the souls of the dead, and you really touched me there. My “bestest” (similar to Sister Ana’s bestest, I guess?) died three and a half years ago. He took his own life.

    Sister Spirited, I am actually crying as I write this. In Shaa Allah, I’ll get it out without too many errors. And In Shaa Allah, my words will help someone.

    Aaron suffered from major depression, and his suffering was cyclical, meaning, we could time it by the seasons, and according to the lunar phases. But Aaron also had amazing talents. He could design, build, and do just about anything that needed to be done to a building. Wire it? Got it. Plumb it? Sure. Heat it? Okay — you get it.

    But suffering from Major Depression, and not having access to medical care, meant that he could work well approximately seven months of a year. The other five months were difficult to virtually impossible for him. That made all sorts of financial challenges, and other difficulties that are too numerous and inappropriate to write about here. But he was my “bestest,” my partner in Real Estate, and my truest friend. May Allah Almighty (swt) forgive his sins, and grant his soul eternal Peace.

    Many times, I was able to see — Allah (swt) allowed me to see — his slides, and to “catch” him before he fell too hard. His last slide, I could not see. He chose that I should not see it. I got the call at midnight that he had left me a letter. Aaron was gone. I couldn’t intervene. It was his time.

    I was a very, very new Muslimah at that time. This was in the first year after my Shahadah. I knew little, but as the Imam suggested, I prayed for his departed soul. I’m sure that those prayers — as “incorrectly performed” as they may have been — were just as Allah (swt) intended them to be.

    Sister Aishah recounted from the lectures last weekend that we all suffer from a terminal illness – life on this plane. It is from Allah (swt) we come, and it is to Allah (swt) we must all return. Praying for a soul who has departed from us here in this world, caring for their family and friends, caring for one another — those are all acts incumbent upon us as believers. Are we interceding, as in changing their verdict? I don’t know, Sister. I believe that what Allah (swt) has for us will be for us.

    The subject of suicide, the Last Day, and Allah (swt)’s Judgment on those who take their own lives is not appropriate for this Blog. But I open this subject up and share this with you because I could not intervene for someone I truly loved, someone who had never intentionally done me any harm whatsoever. At the end, I could do no more than TRUST ALLAH (swt).

    We give charity, Sister. We perform good deeds, and we strive on this plane to have righteous intention. But at the beginning, and the end, there is only Allah, Great and Glorious is He.

    Sister, continue to pray for your husband. Continue to do those things which benefit you. But whatever you do, don’t ever lie to yourself. You can save face in public; you can do whatever you need to do to cope. Just keep it real with yourself.

    Salaams to all.

  • Gail

    December 9, 2013

    Spirited,
    Sorry hit the send button to fast.
    What I wanted to clarify I believe every deed matters good or bad and is a form of energy that u actually create and put out into the universe. some silly physical examples are a man builds a house and dies the house still remains for others to enjoy that is a physical deed or a doctor saves a life. Then we have other deeds that outlast us like teaching a child right from wrong and to worship G.D,prayer is another form and even something as a simple smile to someone that is having a bad a day is yet another.My point is through are deeds G.D is allowing us to create.I think we as humans are always in a state of creating either positive or negative but logically speaking we are always in this state.So better we create positive things.This is my thinking.

  • Gail

    December 9, 2013

    Spirited,
    Hey I don’t know about praying for dead people to be honest but I do pray for people that have passed on.I don’t pray for them like G.D to forgive them of their sins or anything like that but I pray so I know and G.D knows they meant something to me that they left behind their love which is like an invisible strand that connects us all.I just pray that they are at peace.
    I am sure u have read and maybe watched the movie “The Diary of Ann Frank” she is quoted as saying she wanted to live on even after her death.How prophetic her words ring true because that sweet little girl has lived on and her Diary is one of the most Amazing writings to have ever been published.Really it is very remarkable indeed.

  • Gail

    December 9, 2013

    Spirited,
    I didn’t really find fault with anything u have stated but just try to keep on the straight and narrow with your education.
    As far as the second wife and the way he talks astounds me to be frank.He says he don’t confide in her because why She don’t pray? She is a non practicing Christian? What the HAY! Did he not have this info before he married her.Did she do an about face after marriage and stop being a non practicing Christian? COME ON he knew well she is what she is before he married her and he sure didn’t seem to mind that time when he was enjoying with her and making that baby correct me if I am wrong?I just find it Hypocritical of him to say these meaningless crap words to you I am sorry.
    As far as your raising I already figured it out that u were raised pretty traditional by Pakistani Standards and I do believe it does play a part in how u think and look at things.My daughter is 10 and she is full blood born Pakistani and she has very high moral BUT where I am raising her very different is that I take her to the movies,out to eat,and she is free to enjoy her life.She knows she does not have to get married until she is ready and I have told her she is free.
    I am not saying Pakistani values are bad but gosh they are so strict that I really do believe it does affect your thinking when u always are mentally thinking u have to do everything with your husband and never anything on your own and u are not really a free woman according to Pakistani Culture and this really disturbs me because even though I am not Pakistani I have to live in a Pakistani joint family culture setting and to be honest it is so mentally disturbing to me at times that the inlaws and hubby can be so closed minded towards individual rights esp woman rights.
    I have vowed not to let my children and esp my daughter not be a slave to that culture and as I am sure u can guess I am a pretty direct person and my inlaws and husband alot of times see me as crazy for standing up for myself and the kids.

  • Spirited

    December 9, 2013

    Salaam everyone, hopefully everyone had a pleasant day happy

    @Jenny, I’m glad you were able to get some time to read & write in! Your personal experience with your husband’s heb b is re-assuring, but everyone doesn’t have the same luck (with treatment effectiveness, speed that the disease progresses, etc.). Hopefully mine will have a decent life too, but of course everyone’s time is already pre-determined by our Lord.

    I pray that he’s still nowhere close to having to deal with liver cancer. He has some unsettling results, such as a high amount of bilirubin (although I did tell him that its possible to have a naturally higher than “normal” level and still have a healthy liver! But of course, we have to wait for the other tests to determine that). Some of what he suspects as symptoms (on his own, mind you, not based on tests) aren’t really symptoms associated with a failing liver, so I’m thinking he’s over-analyzing and just really scared — again though, there are some test results that are a bit worrisome, but we’ll see when the rest come in.

    Yes, December is when we are supposed to be seeing where things will go from here but the active hep b came out of nowhere (the previous test just 3 yrs back was negative but looks like it was a false negative) and that’s kind of been the priority right now sad God willing, it won’t be very bad of a situation and we can get back to other things happy

    Also, because I just always like to be optimistic, Dorothy did have a host of great friends who helped her on the journey winking

    @Ana, I’m sorry to hear about your new laptop’s problems sad At least it started acting up while it should be under warranty. So there’s a bright side to that big grin

    @Lynnette, thank you for your prayers! It really means so much to me to have this sort of emotional as well as spiritual support. You are definitely correct that med school is still the major priority that I actually have some control over since that is going to help me no matter what else happens in my life. Of course I’m also focused on my husband at the moment, hopefully the health issue won’t be a desperate situation, Insha’Allah.

    You also brought up something interesting that could be an entire topic by itself, but all I’m going to say is that, in the Quran, Allah also mentions a few times that indeed your own deeds and intentions are what you get and none can intercede — except for that which Allah allows out of HIS generosity. This can be seen by many of Prophet Muhammad [PBUH]‘s actions, recommendations, as well as the “Janaza Salat” — if the dead could not benefit from this, why would our Prophet have performed it and recommend it for the believers? We are also told that the dead can benefit from continuing good deeds (such as if he/she setup a charity organization while they lived and it continues to do good for the people after his/her death) — as Allah allows. As well as from prayers of family members — as Allah allows. Of course, all these are done with the hope that Allah will accept one’s intentions and prayers on the deceased’s behalf. The best thing would be to make sure you’ve got your own ducks in a row — no debts to others, as much good as you can manage, trying to get as close to Allah as possible, etc., but also, its not impossible for others’ prayers for you to be accepted by Allah, even after death. It’s up to HIS generous mercy. — But as you say, none of this applies to one person trying to intercede for anyone on Judgement Day. That day, it’s everyone for him/herself.

    I know some people say they only follow exactly what is in the Quran — but I see it like this. The Quran is the instruction manual, and our Prophet’s life and how he lived is the example of how to apply the instructions. Also recall Surah 3, verse 31 & 32 “Say, Oh Muhammad, to mankind: If you love Allah, follow me; Allah will love you and forgive your sins. Allah is forgiving and merciful. Say: Obey Allah and His messenger. But if they turn away, lo! Allah loves not the disbelievers.”
    I know you spoke directly to intercession on Judgement Day, which is not possible for anyone, but I felt it was a good chance to bring up what I understand of praying for others & the deceased — in case I’ve got something wrong and you guys could clarify.

    @Rasha, well if your husband is not neglectful of you, and this prospective 2nd wife is someone you could get along with…, well that sounds like “the best of a bad situation” to me happy You should definitely give the 3 person meeting a try and see how it goes.

    @Aishah, that sounds like a good thing to go to. Too many people don’t remember that they will be headed back to Allah and just continue doing whatever they want. A lot of people, I’ve seen, think they’ll sit around all day doing extra rakat during Salats or reading Quran in their old age. They seem to forget, what if they don’t make it to old age? What if Allah’s time for them is sooner than that? People make plans, but Allah is the best of planners.

    Was there a question/answer session? If there was, you should have tried to ask a question about polygamy since the lecture was leading into that direction but didn’t touch it. Sometimes the way someone else talks about something — especially experienced speakers — can shine a new light on a topic you might be pretty familiar with.

    @Gail, hey no worries. You gals don’t scare me away with straight-talk. laughing Aaah, wait, wait. Gail (and I think Ana said it too) — my husband didn’t say he won’t tell his 2nd wife about the state of his hep b. He said he wants to wait until the final test results come in. So why tell me? When I asked, he said because he’s promised to tell me everything and not keep anymore secrets from me so he’s following through with the promise, PLUS he knows I would pray for him but she would not as she isn’t a practicing Christian. I don’t know, I thought that was fairly innocent — but do correct me if I’m wrong.

    Thanks for the warnings about trying to play the “sweet thang” ( laughing ) game, but I’m not playing any game right now. He knows he’s the only fish in the sea for me because he knows I’ve never had a boyfriend and I don’t even have any male friends IRL. The only males I speak to in my daily life are my brothers or cousins. That’s kind of sad I can’t use his own medicine against him the way you did ( I bet that was fun! ) but my parents raised us in a relatively strict manner, so there’s that. (“stay home, muslim girls don’t go out especially in this nation of kaffirs and sin” “go to theaters to watch movies when you’re married.” “you don’t need to eat out, go with your husband when you’re married.” “you can go to this-or-that attraction when you’re married.” “go to see the Grand Canyon (and other places) when you’re married with your husband.” aaaaaaand so on).

    Basically, the way I’m playing my hand right now is how I thought of it at the very beginning. I’ll enjoy the benefits of being married (see above, lol), I enjoy his company, and shoot, I enjoy the sex. But at the same time, I’m on the path to a solid “Plan B”, which would take care of any money problems, Insha’Allah ($100,000 – $300,000/yr depending on specialty is no small change) as well as just generally being great for life — mine as well as others’.

    If he does screw me over, so be it, — I’ll be getting a divorce, there will be no 3rd chance (and he knows this). If he doesn’t screw me over and keeps to his word and promises, great! No issues. I don’t deal with “relationship drama” or manipulation. I’ve seen it all over my relatives and grew up surrounded with that garbage of people just creating issues for each other for no reason, as if life wasn’t hard enough! So if anyone wants to play games, be sneaky or whatever, they can go enjoy themselves. Just remember that: 1. playing a game alone is boring. 2. God will give them their “reward” for “winning” whatever game is played.

    Does that sound stupid? I don’t know, but I’ve got goals to shoot for that are separate from whatever he might do. I do speak to him about his responsibilities and he has been stepping up, slooooowly. I’m keeping you guys updated to any changes and I always take into consideration the advice you give! I try to apply it when possible — like for instance, I don’t feel like its very important to bring up some superficial stuff right now until we know if he’s got liver cancer or not. I don’t see that as letting him take advantage of me because we’ll know for certain soon (it’s not like he can fake an official blood test, biopsy report, etc.).

    Ok! I am up so way past my bed time that it isn’t even funny! Did I make sense?
    Please do keep pointing out things I’m doing wrong. I’m working on not being defensive because obviously its not necessary and thanks to you guys pointing that out, I’m changing how I react to people who talk about him daily as well. Alrighty, catch you ladies tomorrow (or later today actually, ouch! lol).

  • Aishah2013

    December 8, 2013

    salaams.I went to this ” Ilmfest” today, all day lectures by various Shaykj.it was very good,current,relevant,thought provoking…( its presented by AlMaghrib institute)..one lecture compare life to a big ” final ” test in college.in school test we know the deadline.in life when never know deadline/when its gonna be up.this speaker was also a physician…said we all have a “terminal illness”. its life!…that if a doctor tells u you have terminal illness you work hard,want to change/do it all right butif God/Allah tells u u have terminal illness, lifewe don’t work as hard to make it right,change/we mustrhink we have more time…..also one topic was how Muslim community deals w issues of divorce and being widowed and the stigma it causes..perfect opportunity to slide,word “polygamy” and its use in these cases…but imam speaker never did…it was good to go to though….

  • Gail

    December 8, 2013

    Ana,
    Sorry to hear about your computer problems.I sure hope Spirited don’t think we are beating her up over her husband.I am like you and would be so much more empathetic to Spirited husband if he would just tell her he has no intentions of rocking the boat with his second wife.
    I hate to say it but in life u win some and u loose some and in her case I feel like if Spirited don’t start to get a backbone and stop trying to pretend she is fine 24/7 with her husband she is really going to loose this one.On the other hand if she would stand up for her rights and stop letting her husband low ball her she might stand a fighting chance.
    It also went through my head that her husband seems pretty intelligent and knows how to prey upon Spirited emotions sadly.One only has to read between the lines to figure out that something smells very fishy.I am thinking to myself that Spirited said her husband told her that he is sick of his second wife and really would not care if she left if not for the baby but in the next breath he claims he can not tell her of his illness which to me don’t really make logical sense.One could argue he is again being selfish and only thinking of himself because if he thought he was so sick he would want his second wife to move on with her life and not hold her back and just let her move on is my thinking but he is not talking like that at all.I really don’t understand Spirited being such a educated woman continues to be blindsided by his words and action.
    There has been something about Spirited situation that has been irking me that I could not put my finger on but today I figured out what it is.When Spirited takes up for her hubby and makes excuses for his actions it makes me physically ill because her being of Pakistani origin she is doing the same exact thing my excowife did.
    Do not get me wrong here because I really really like Spirited alot and I think she is just fantastic and has so much potential to have a really great life but because she has been conditioned in the Pakistani culture to “Stand by you Man” attitude makes me just want to go jump of a bridge.
    I honestly believe that because my own excowife did not stand up and fight for the family and for her and my rights knowing the truth she ended up in the end the looser and when hubby was finished with her he kicked her to the curb like an old dog.Was she shocked OH YEAH u better believe it! She never dreamed in a million years hubby would kick her off after he got what he wanted out of her.I will even go one step further he got her kids and gave them to me and left her sitting there and every single time she dare say anything he would tell her to shut up and sit down basically.Every single time she did as he told her until the day came he finally kicked her like a football.
    Now mind you I am not saying my excowife is a Saint BUT the very big lesson I learned by watching her keep her mouth shut was that if u don’t stand up for your rights then do not expect that u can somehow manipulate the situation by acting like a “Sweet Thang” will get u what u want in the end.
    In Jenny case she is the Alpha Dog,In my case I was really nice and gave my husband 110% until I seen he was trying to screw me then I stepped up and did some nasty manipulation my own self.Is it right I don’t know but I sure got my point across to not F!@@k with me that much I am certain.
    In my case I gave my husband back his own poison that he made me drink and flaunted 2 different men in front of him and showed him Hey Buddy u want to play games with me well GAME on lets PLAY. Yes I know it was wrong BUT it sure was a huge eye opener for him in the fact he now understand I am not desperate and he obviously thought I was an amazing catch well guess what he is not the only fish in the sea.
    My point is with Spirited she has let her husband know he is the only fish in the sea for her and I believe she thought it would work to her advantage but clearly it has not worked to her advantage I feel and has actually put her in the position she is in now where she is letting him take advantage even though she is not seeing it.

  • Rasha

    December 8, 2013

    @ummof4

    I wanted to speak with her but apparently I came out a little to strong and my husband encouraged her not to respond to me. My husband has suggested that we talk and perhaps all three of us. And truth is now I’m afraid to speak with her and him. I for know what I want. And you are correct my husband has not neglected me at all.

  • ana

    December 8, 2013

    Okay, I got it working. Alhumdulliah. Insha Allah, I’ll still return it tomorrow. It’s not looking good when it malfunctions so soon after I just purchased it. Alhumdulliah, I can get the data off of it beforehand. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 8, 2013

    Insha Allah, everyone, bare with me; I won’t write much between now and tomorrow. My new laptop just stopped working sad so I have to take it back tomorrow. I don’t like typing on my phone. Insha Allah, everyone have a good night or day, whichever it is where you are on the planet. Insha Allah,I will keep checking in for comments to approve.

    Lynnette, the Toshiba didn’t do me proud sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 8, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Rasha, I completely understand where you’re coming from and what you’re feeling. You feel insecure and frightened. In reading your writings, I have not read anywhere that your husband is not a good man. You have not complained about him financially; you have not said that he has abused you or your children(if you have any); you have not said that he was unjust to you in any way. Therefore, Rasha has to work on Rasha, hopefully with the assistance of your husband. If you have not already told him, share your feelings with him and ask for his assistance.

    Alhamdulillah, you sort of know the sister he is planning on marrying and as far as you know she is of good character and personality. As I stated in a previous thread, suggest to your husband that the three of you have a heart to heart talk if they are seriously considering getting married. This talk can help you alleviate your fears or confirm them. It will also let the prospective wife know that you are still an important part of your husband’s life. If your husband is serious about this sister there is also nothing preventing you from talking to her. Not to talk her out of marrying your husband, but to make sure that you two are on the same page in regards to polygyny and being married to the same man. If you are not on the same page, you will know hat you will have to deal with.

    Polygyny can be as easy or as difficult as we make it sometimes. If our husband is fulfilling his duties to us in a proper manner, polygyny is just a part of our lives, not the whole thing.

    May Allah guide us all.

  • Rasha

    December 8, 2013

    @ Ana

    You are so right. I need to focus on Allah but truth is I find it hard to do with all this stuff in my head space. I don’t believe in my heart of hearts that my husband is using polygamy as legal adultery. I know him better than that. But his timing makes me unsure of what I have grown to know his true character to be. His timing was awful. It automatically makes it appear to me that he’s not content with our relationship even though he has told me otherwise on a regular basis.

    Crazy thing is I kind of know this pending sister. And prior to him suggesting marriage I thought about her character and personality as being the type I would probably get along with as a co wife. But all that went out the window when I found out she was a prospect.

    I don’t want to stay cuz I’m scared and I don’t want to leave cuz I’m angry. Does that make any sense? I don’t want to be a coward but I’m afraid that I can’t do this again.

    Most women would hav left after the first… I was very on guard in my relationship emotionally and this affected our intimacy. Because of this I feel the blame for him reaching out to get that connection or desire filled from someone else. I really don’t geeky eve that its about sex for my husband. Not to blow my own horn but I got it Gping on in that department. 😉

    Unfortunately I don’t always believe it!!!😔

    I was married before and my husband actually did CHEAT on me while I was pregnant.
    That has scared me to this day. Baggage is something else.

    Is it possible to work on me and stay married to my husband and love him unconditionally within limits of course? All I want to do is love him but I’m afraid of beinG HURT!

  • Jenny

    December 8, 2013

    @ Ana & Gail,

    Got all the time in the world for you gals! happy Yes, we are planning another trip. Most likely, we will be going the end of next month, G-d willing. The business has been insane. We bought the building next to us and now we have construction work going on over there ~ and everything that is going into that office {furniture, TVs, computers, ect…,} is scattered all in our small office. I’m sure we are violating every fire code! laughing You take your life in your hands just to go to the bathroom! My life is one continual rush!

    We did exceed hubby’s goal for the medallions. I still have another 700 cars to put on the road and I hired a second broker and my office is still looks like the trading floor of the Stock Exchange after the bell rings. The faxes and scanners run non-stop. I don’t complain about being busy because I know a lot of businesses in my industry that are sitting idle.

    @ Lynette,

    Honestly, what binds me and my husband is our business. We’ve had our businesses longer than children. Our heart, soul, sweat and tears went into this business. We postponed our life to build it. I was in the trenches, so to speak, with my husband. Out of everyone in his life ~ I never asked for a thing and stayed in the trenches with him ~ and did most of the digging. My husband never forgets that.

    Even though my husband says that I am ******* (our company name), in truth, it could not work without both of us.

  • ana

    December 8, 2013

    Lynnette,

    Well said. Insha Allah, Spirited won’t get side tracked, and will keep her focus on what would be more beneficial to her. She should try to ignore her husband and his other wife, as she should see by now that he’s up to no good. I know she can’t stop loving him, but if I were her, I sure wouldn’t be his sounding board. I wouldn’t want to hear what he has to say about his other and their baby. I wouldn’t want to hear his complaints about his other. Spirited knows all is not rosy between he and his other. It’s his problem. Yes, he made his bed; let him lie in it.

    Rasha,

    I agree with Spirited that some men use “polygamy” as a means to cover for adultery. I always believed that some men use “polygamy” as a means to date and have sex with other women. A red flag goes up immediately when a husband gets out of one marriage and immediately begins to look for another. I feel for wives such a Rasha and Ruqayya who can’t find peace, as their husbands can’t focus on their marriages. Their husbands are too busy seeking out other women to make wives.They can’t stand still for a moment to live in the moment. It could be disheartening for the wives.

    I used to think that I was going through the pain and suffering that I experienced when my husband became polygamous due to things that I had done. I thought it could be a punishment. Maybe it’s a blessing and maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows. I, however, agree with Gail that polygamy could be a means to purify the soul. You can use what is going on in your life to benefit you. You recognize the feelings that you have that are not good and you have an opportunity to turn to Allah, and ask him to purify your soul.

    Now is a good time for you to work on you. You have to turn your attention away from your husband and turn it to Allah. Allah tells us to turn all our attention to Him. Right now, you’re turning all your attention to your husband; therefore, you can’t see Allah. Your back is to Him. Allah doesn’t like when we give Him part-time worship.

    The hurt, pain and suffering that we experience is due to the diseases in our hearts. You know how you feel when you are physically ill, right? You experience pain; the area hurts. Well, it’s the same with the heart/soul. The heart/soul hurts. It’s in pain. We suffer when our hearts/souls are diseased. No one likes to hear others tell us that our faith in Allah is weak. Fact is, truth hurts sometimes.

    You’re looking for the cure for what you’re going through. Allah swt gave us the cure. Allah swt tells us to cure the diseases of our hearts by way of the Quran. The Quran is our guide for heart health. Allah cures our diseases. He is our doctor, so to speak. The Quran is our PDR (Physician Desk Reference), so to speak. We have to BELIEVE all that is in it (It’s what belief is about) and try to live it. You’re looking for the cure; now you know where to find it. It’s on you to do it. It’s the only cure there is. You could maybe leave your marriage, but you’ll still have the disease, until you take the medicine (Quran).

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 8, 2013

    Jenny,

    I erred; I meant to say older children. I read my mistake and started laughing. It sounded funny – “your old children.” Oh, my goodness. Do you believe in freudian slips? LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    December 8, 2013

    Salaam,

    @ Sister Jenny,

    Some of the biggest blessings come in things we take for granted.

    In the case of the Pakistani-mentality; the double-speak, the lies….perhaps it is that your husband is not good at it, and truly does not care for it. Almighty God, Allah (swt) — we serve the same LORD, freed him from that when he married you.

    I see a lot of these Desi men who really want to be free from the confines of their social construct, and to experience new things choose to do so with women who are not Desi.

    For most of the women, they fail to see that it is obligation and not love that holds these men. Jenny’s husband may be suffering from Hep and/or another health concern, but in his suffering, he has also received a series of great blessings. His duty is to a wife he loves. Hiss wife loves all of his children, and cares greatly and deeply for and about his family. He can live his truth, relatively free of social constriction. I say he fared well in his marriage, and Jenny seems happy as well. They have no use for deceptions between one another.

    That beings me around to Sister Spirited,

    Sister, I know you hear us. I don’t feel any particular need to continue to restate the obvious because I know you hear it. All that I have to say, I’ve said to you. You know for a fact that I have major doubts about your husband. In Shaa Allah, in his illness, he will seek Allah (swt) first in all things, and then be willing to guided. But that, my Dear, is between him and Allah. No soul can intervene on behalf of another — we stand accountable, individually, for our deeds and intentions.

    Sister, I was raised Christian — and I rejected Christianity for that reason: no soul can intercede between me and Allah (swt) on the last day to expiate my sins. If the Prophet Isa cannot do it for the Christians — and he was a prophet, and the product of a miracle birth, who are you to intercede for him? How can I intercede for anyone? We cannot.

    But I also know that the MCAT should be job #1 for you right now. Trust your husband’s health to Allah (swt), and stay on-task. I make du’a for you, Sister, in that regard; that you may remain focused, motivated and disciplined; that you may continue to compartmentalize all of these issues. Sister, if you cannot take every struggle on at once–that’s fine. Don’t get side-tracked by what you cannot change right now.

    I think Sister Spirited knows where all of this is headed, but she would rather expend her energy toward securing herself and her long-term good. In Shaa Allah, she will be granted success on her examination.

  • ana

    December 8, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All, happy

    M H Khan,

    Thank you for visiting us here at the 411 and we appreciate your comment. Don’t be shy about speaking with us. As you see, we are quite friendly here.

    Jenny,

    It’s good to hear from you. I missed you. I know you’ve got a lot going on, which is why I don’t get overly worried when we don’t hear from you. I do get concerned that you won’t have enough time for us in your day sad I feel that Gail gets a bit lonely here sometimes when you’re not around. It makes me sad when I think Gail may be sad Sad Eyes

    Jenny, I totally forgot Spirited’s husband is supposed to come clean this month with his other wife about Spirited. I think you’re probably right. I see things clearer now. He’s saying he doesn’t want to tell his wife about his hep. He doesn’t want to tell his wife a whole lot of things. What could Spirited expect next from her husband? I imagine him saying, “Oh, Spirited, I can’t tell her about you at all now. I’m about to die. If I tell her about you, she’ll never let me see my child again and how could I leave this earth without seeing my baaaaby. Oh, woe is me…”Depressed I’d appreciate Spirited’s husband more, if he were to stop lying and simply say to Spirited, “my intent is not to ever tell her that you and I live as husband and wife. I’m going to continue, as is.”

    Jenny, God willing, enjoy your time at the theatre and dinner. Insha Allah, after the New Year, Alex and I will get back to the theatre, and finally will make it to Abigails. I’m really looking forward to dining there. How is things going with your preparations for you trip to Europe? Is it still on? I hope all of your family is well. Aren’t your old children due to visit you soon?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    December 8, 2013

    – correction of the auto-correct –

    Allah (swt) places no burden upon a soul greater than the soul can bear.

    Thank you all for your patience. Technology is a blessing happy

    Truly, Allah (swt) is well-acquainted with all we do, and He knows best.

  • Lynnette

    December 8, 2013

    Salaams to all,

    @ Sister Rasha,

    Welcome, again. It’s lovely to have you here in our midst.

    About the backbiting: Sister, I completely understand where you are coming from on that issue. It does feel awkward to speak ill of someone you love. Qur’an enjoins us from backbiting, specifically at Surah 49 (Al-Hujurat) Ayah 12. The dead flesh thing gets me every time, Sister.

    But — here’s why we speak. None of us here “know” one another personally; we all have aliases. We all wear “masks.” I could no more pick you and your husband out of a lineup than you could identify me. So in that regard, your husband’s honor is completely safe.

    Additionally, we speak to help one another grow and cope; we don’t speak to gossip. Gossip provides some “illicit” pleasure to those who partake. Here, at the Blog, we’re trying to understand your circumstance so that we may better aid you in your trial. Allah (swt) tests the believer; but upon no should does He place a test greater than it can bear. Allah (swt) also aids believers, and rewards them for their belief. We are here, together, to aid one another. I derive no pleasure — whatsoever — from your suffering, Sister Rasha. None if us do. And we derive no pleasure from knowing about your husband’s misdeeds; in fact, Allah (swt), on the last Day, will be taking account of all of his deeds — and I pray that He will forgive our sins and grant us Jannah.

    We’re here to help, and not to be conspirators in backbiting. Reveal as you see fit, okay?

    As for the particulars in your marriage, you have to decide what you can and cannot tolerate; there are bounds in every situation.

    Salaam, Sister.

  • Spirited

    December 8, 2013

    Salaam all!

    Couldn’t get back to sleep so here I am laughing

    @Rasha, avoiding negative feelings is the hard part and the best way to work on that is to turn to God as well as writing here. At least tor me, those two things are very helpful. About your husband possibly marrying and divorcing many women, well that’s why some people call that kind of behavior irresponsible and using halal polygamy for a sort of “legal adultery”. You can always talk to him about it & say you feel he is abusing the system, & if things are really very bad, you always have the option to walk and you won’t be faulted for it, Insha’Allah.

    You shouldn’t feel like you’ve “failed” at your marriage, because this could be a test for you. As Ana says, if Allah has willed something to happen, it will happen & that is that. It could be that God placed this as a test for you & your husband, maybe HE wants you to take this opportunity to get closer to HIM? Anyways, give it some thought. happy

    @Gail, lol your expressions always give me a laugh, “mother sticker”? I’ve actually heard “mother trucker” before but yours is a funnier mental image laughing I’m pretty bad at math! I demand extra credit be included in the test,lol. When my husband told me that info, I didn’t say to him “oh yes you’re correct, she is this-and-that” nope, I simply said “oh well”. Ofcourse internally to myself, i dont see her in a good way — but still until i actually ever got a chance to know her, i cant be sure so, just “oh well” will do. He also told me other disturbing things, such as when he told her about this blog as a great support system, but I’m not going to repeat the nasty things she supposedly said. Instead I told him it was good of him to suggest her coming here, but you cant force people to do what you want (like I learned from you guys!). That’s why I guess kind of like Ana, out of sight & out of mind will have to do. Anyway, besides the husband, it doesn’t look like we have anything else in common — but who knows? Maybe she’ll change her mind & want to meet & we might hit it off? Only God could say for sure. I’m not going to spend my important time worrying about it, especially in the face of my husband’s health happy.

    Thanks for the test analogy, that was so cute! But you sure are a rough grader! laughing

    Ok I gotta run & get some stuff from the supermarket for my brother. Talk to you ladies later! Have a wonderful day, all. Rasha, please don’t hesitate to share whatever is on your mind. Always great advice here & things to open your eyes if you don’t see something. happy (even if its in yourself, like with some of my behavior as Gail & Ana pointed out!)

  • Jenny

    December 8, 2013

    @ Spirited,

    My husband has the hep as I’ve said before. It is highly unlikely it is a death sentence today. What it is today is a huge sympathy generator for you and an excuse for him not to clear the air with Baby’s Mama. December was when he was supposed to be telling her, right.

    It doesn’t matter what we say because you will make excuses for him, but then you must be happy with the bed you make ~ you will have to sleep in it.

    In a way you remind me of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, just skipping through the flower field until the poison knocks her out. That will be you.

    My husband has been getting the treatment and he turns 50 on Thursday and, G-d willing, will have a long life. Don’t let this become his crutch.

    @ All,

    Sorry I haven’t been around much. My office has been crazy!!!! The insurance took off wildly and now consumes most of my time and has forced me to sit back and train others to do pieces of my job so I can concentrate on the insurance more and more.

    I think I’ve mentioned we are starting another business to: a driving school. There is a lot of legal things I have to do to get that fully opened, but I know it will be just as profitable. I swear my husband lays in bed at night and dreams up new things for me to do!

    All is fine here, bli aryin hara.

    Someone asked if it is possible to be friendly? I think the answer is yes, but there needs to be some history and some time. It’s been a decade for me and I’m just now friendly with them in Pakistan and was finally accepted. Nothing in life is ever easy, but time is a wonderful healer.

    Also someone mentioned about the Pakistani man who never went back to his family in Pakistan for years and years. Well, my husband never went back since a few years before we married. I am in Little Pakistan and I see a lot of men like that. You have to understand their version of marriage is not like it is here. Just about all of the things you hear about Pakistani men are true. If I wasn’t the Alpha dog in our marriage (sorry, Jewish women are way bossy and rule the roost, it is in our nature and our men know it), I could see I would have the same problem with the lying. I see how he deals with the other Pakistani’s or in the business world. Since my husband likes me to run things anyway, it doesn’t become a problem. I find myself having to be overly harsh with him at times to keep the hubby on the straight and narrow. happy

    Hubby and I are off to the theater tonight and dinner at Abigail’s.

  • Gail

    December 8, 2013

    Rasha,
    I read your post and don’t feel like u need to stay guarded.Think of it like this if u are thinking in your mind then it is there already.If u open up and share with other woman your inner most concerns then u are trying to resolve the conflict inside of u.At least this is the way I see it and it is a positive thing.I don’t think the world will crash and burn if u say out loud my husband is a DIRT BAGGGGGGGG mother sticker etc… I don’t know when my husband finally told me the truth about what he had done the anger I had is unbelievable.I will be honest I actually thought to cause him bodily harm on more than one occasion and believe me when I tell u I have a very strong belief on G.D.
    What u are going through is more like soul purification and yes it hurts and yes it feels like your husband is cutting u so deep and then to make matters worse it is like he is pouring vinegar in the open wounds.At least that is how I felt when I was going through my pain and believe me it was physical/crying all the time upset stomach,vomiting and emotional/ mental breakdown type of torture.
    For whatever reason you have to go through this test in your life and my advice is if somehow u can get in touch with your feelings and write them out and actually say Hey I am angryyy as hell and I want to cut your B@lls of u worthless piece of crap then u can say hey I just found my starting point to purification.
    Now granted everyone is different this is how I personally felt to be honest when I was thrown into Polygamy but take Spirited for example she is totally different in the fact that at least on the surface she appears to believe her husband and well to excuse his negative behavior.I will not lie I am a very direct individual with clear rights and wrongs in life and I am going to be completely honest here on what I am fixing to tell you.For me personally I could have respected my husband more had he come to me and said hey I am Muslim and I am already married and have 1 child with another on the way and I want to do a second marriage with you.My response would have been at that time thank you not NO but HELL NO! At least I could respect him for telling me the truth but the way he did it well it just made me want to harm him physically and destroy him.
    Now will that cause me to go to Hell well considering I do not believe in Hell the same way Muslims or Christians do I would have to say I don’t give it alot of thought.What I do give thought to is that G.D gave me feelings for a reason and feel it is more important to understand my feelings and conquer them and get them in control.
    Rasha what I learned from Polygamy is this.It is ok to be angry,sad,vengeful,etc… It was important to recognize that I have these feelings and they are real emotions that I need to conquer and overcome to be the best G.DLY person that I can be.The day I recognized and started to see the bigger picture was the day I started to heal and start purifying myself.
    Am I perfect NO WAY but I am alot better person today because I am learning to have self control and see the larger picture.
    Rasha the one thing that helped me the most in my journey has been to understand that my journey is not my husbands journey or my cowife journey.I can not change my cowife’s heart towards me and make her respect,love or even like me and the same goes with my husband.
    All I have to do is understand right from wrong and stand up for what I believe is right.Spirited gave a great example today that she did the right thing and she sent her cowife some gifts for the cowife and the baby which anyone knows that is a beautiful thing that Spirited had done.This is the easy part to see in the example now Spirited goes on to say that her husband told her that cowife did not except her gift he thought and conveyed that to Spirited and Spirited internally took that in now at that exact moment Spirited had to paths ahead of her she had the choice to take what I call the positive/right path and be the bigger moral person and say u know what I did the right thing and even if my cowife is going to take the negative path I am still walking on the positive path but Spirited did not in my opinion she choice to take the negative path and took her positive thing she had done and turned it into a negative the same as what her cowife did.
    What I think the right thing would have been for Spirited to do is tell her husband it is ok if cowife did not accept my gifts I did what I believed was the right thing to do and that gives me joy.In other words she would have chosen in that instant to take the positive road instead taking the negative road and implying her cowife was selfish and nasty person not to use her gifts understand?My point being that situation was like a two step problem to be solved and although Spirited past the first part of the problem perfectly she missed the second part of the problem and any math student knows that is 50% F.
    It is so important to understand that your Spiritual Purification Process is yours alone and the paths you decide to take are yours alone.All the other crap is just outside influences to try to test u to see if you will pick the positive path or the negative path.
    Now all this is my thinking and I want to clarify with u I am not a Muslim so I don’t know if what I am thinking lines up with Islam or not.I am not for certain what religion u are so I wanted to make it clear. I am not a writer so it is kinda hard for me to get my point across on paper I hope I explained myself enough for u to understand what I am trying to explain.

  • Laila

    December 8, 2013

    Dear Rasha…. Just read your post and Inshaallah I shall write / type in soon. You sound very down and see no other way out. No worries I will give you my input and hopefully you might feel better about yourself. Be strong girl!

    Salam.

  • Rasha

    December 7, 2013

    Salaams ALL

    You women are sooo free with the things you say. I’m still on guard. I don’t want to feel like I’m backbiting my husband.

    There’s so much I want to say. I’ll say a few things. I am having a huge problem embracing this lifestyle. I feel like I hav lost love and an emotional connection with my husband due to the Denise of the second and the possible invitation of another. I feel like I let my husband down and myself by not being loving enough. I feel like I let him down. And as a result I feel like I’m bring punished.

    I don’t know if I hav a sexual desire for him any longer. I’m afraid of how my life will turn out with him. What if he keeps marrying and divorcing what would stop him.

    I’m so confused and I can’t make a choice and stick with it.

    I don’t know what to do. If knew from Allah that staying with my husband would get me closer to pleasing Allah and getting into Jannah I’d stay for sure. But the scary truth is staying and not being kind and depressed could throw my tail in the hellfire.

    How do you ladies stay and be content and not bitter? How many of you hav communications with your cowives?

    Crazy thing is I often watch “sister wives” on television and think if Muslim men could do it like Cody Brown maybe just maybe I’d be ok with it. It would be great if things could go like that. But the way my husband went about it it feels so damning to my view of myself as a woman and his wife.

    How many other women are or have been depressed and hav a hard time being a good/fun mother? I struggle almost everyday

  • Spirited

    December 7, 2013

    Salaam ladies!

    Hey there guys, hope your Saturday went well. It seems like this day went by pretty fast!

    @Ana, Thanks for explaining! I took some time and thought about what you said — you’re most likely correct that I can be defensive. Well, I’ll work on that for sure. happy The idea of my husband being a player was brought up before, and it could be right, could be wrong. There’s no way to know unless I spoke to the other woman, who doesn’t want to speak to me laughing. So, I’ll leave that alone for now.

    Thanks also for your concern regarding him letting his other wife know so they could be protected and checked. I noticed that I forgot to mention that she already knows he has hepatits b, is vaccinated and the baby is in the process of being vaccinated. I have also been vaccinated ages ago as a requirement for hospital rotations during school. The thing he hasn’t told anyone else but me is the most recent test results which pointed at liver damage (and we’re waiting for the more in-depth test results that could confirm/deny & show what his liver’s status is). He wants to wait and get that confirmation before he tells anyone, but his anxiety & grief was too much to just hold it in and he wanted to let me know.

    Oh, and I still care about his other wife as a human being, but I’ve tried to extend a hand in friendship, and (at least according to my husband) she constantly refuses, so I can’t really do anything else about that. Like I said, her actions have pretty much shown her values and morality as far as I can see. sad I don’t bother talking about her with him these days, because whenever he talks about her on his own, he’s always annoyed about her own deceptions. Its kind of funny, a bit like what Kim said before — the same as what he did being done back. Buuuut well, that’s not important for now.

    Insha’Allah, if my husband is ok and his condition is still manageable (and not at imminent death approaching levels) of course I’m going to continue to expect him to do his duties and will work with him towards that so that I’m not taken advantage of. So, thanks to everyone here who continue pointing out things that I should be aware of. Its always appreciated! For now, your prayers are really wonderful and that’s all I ask happy

    Thanks again everyone, all the best!

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    Spirited,

    Another thought crossed my mind. I don’t know a whole lot about this hepatitis disease other than what you and Jenny have informed us of and from blood borne pathogen seminars I attended when I was in the workplace. Additionally, I had to receive the three part vaccines due to the profession I was in. My question is, shouldn’t his wife know of his condition so she and the child can be checked for it. I know you care nothing about her, but you may want to mention it to your husband or not.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It appears you seem to always have “excuses”, simply because you are dismissive of everything everyone says. You tend to go on the defensive. You may not see it in yourself, but it is apparent to others. You’ve probably been doing it so long that it has become a habit.

    When a wife expresses her thoughts to her husband or speaks to him words directed towards right, during a discussion, I don’t think it falls in the category of being his keeper. It’s more along the lines of reminders, admonishment, words of wisdom, or advice.

    I know there are husbands who have a tendency to badmouth another wife and make it appear he wants nothing more to do with her, and is only with her for this, that and another reason. It usually makes the wife who hears it feel good or better about the situation she’s in and causes her to grow closer to him, thinking he loves her more than the other. The thing is, this type of man usually goes to the other home and badmouth the wife whom he just left. So, he has two women who think they are the most loved and he is only with the other out of some type of obligation. This type of man falls into the category of a “player.”

    I agree with you Spirited; your concerns right now shouldn’t be about “just” or “fair” treatment. Your husband’s health should be more important to you right about now. It’s all “relative”. Your husband’s life could be at stake at this juncture.

    You stated you care nothing about his relationship with his other wife, and feel no need to advise him regarding it. I’m thinking if he is so concerned about his child, as he has expressed to you that he is, one would think he would let the mother of his child know his medical condition and the seriousness of it, as there is a chance he will be leaving this earth sooner than later. Do you think?

    I pray Allah swt give you the strength you need to make it through this extremely difficult time in your life.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 7, 2013

    Salaam,

    Hey everyone, I hope your weekend is off to a good start happy

    @Ana, don’t worry if you feel that you are insensitive. I know that its hard to care about something unless you find yourself in that position. Just a point I wanted to make — my husband has often been apologetic for months now, even before we found out about the active virus. Most people just seemed to think he was lying, if you recall. In any case, I don’t mind what other people think. What matters is what I and my husband think and do because we are the ones in the situation, not anyone else.

    @Ummof4, thank you for your prayers, that’s all I ask. happy I also pray that if Allah wills him to pass on early in life, that my husband can find calm and peace and not be afraid. Yes you’re correct that when faced with death, everyone is afraid. You can never know if you’ve done enough — I’m sure it will always feel like you need more time. But Allah is ever merciful and fair, and I pray my husband will be spared from the fire. I haven’t promised him anything yet, I asked him to keep his hopes up and we should decide things after we know for certain what his liver’s condition is happy.

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge, I always feel such a warmth in my heart reading of the events of things that occurred during the Prophet (PBUH)’s life. I continue to just relate what my husband tells me about these things but from what he has said, he is still fearful of losing his child permanently and doesn’t want to divorce his 2nd wife solely because of that. He feels that if he has to die soon, he doesn’t want to die losing his baby (again, he is assuming he only has a little while to live — just being pessimistic. I pray that he has many years yet for many reasons). Thank you again for your prayers, one never knows who’s prayers might “do the trick” as they say happy.

    @Gail, hey there girl happy I’m sorry that you’re dealing with more insanity in your neck of the woods. I think your husband wanted to marry your children to “non-white” people because he might be concerned about marrying to non-muslims? Especially for daughters, as muslim women are only allowed to marry muslim men (otherwise the marriage is invalid). Of course I don’t know if your children are raised Muslim, but by Islamic law, a muslim man’s children are muslim, so that’s what I’m assuming could be the idea behind what he says. I agree with you NOT to marry your children in the family though, that’s just asking for trouble laughing

    Doesn’t “child bride” mean a girl of around 8 yrs. old or less being forced into a marriage (usually with a muuuuuch older man)? What you described just sounds like regular arranged marriages to me, and from what I hear, its pretty common in Pakistan & India and not really anything people complain about. But then again, I haven’t lived over there for great periods of time like you have, so my observation could be pretty far off.

    As for my husband being selfish, I’m going to give my opinion here but I honestly do not think so. He’s made his share of mistakes, sure, but I’m not that petty that I would consider those things so very important in the face of his health. Let’s assume he has full blown liver cancer and only has 6 months to live. Is his “fairness” really that important that I would continue to be nitpicky about inconsequential things? Are his interactions with his 2nd wife going to change anything? On one hand, I’m told that I am not my husband’s keeper and can’t change him and on the other hand, I’m told to point out that he is being insensitive to his 2nd wife? That’s kind of a double standard laughing I don’t think I have a “Mother Theresa” type of thing going on, its just that I love my husband more than any other human in life (God is #1 entity of course!) and I would do anything for him. (By the way, random fact — Mother Theresa actually suffered from a lack of faith in God towards the end of her life, and didn’t really believe in Him anymore — at least according to some personal writings of hers that were recently released. I thought that was interesting).

    I haven’t asked my husband about exactly why he’s come to the conclusion that he wishes he had never married his 2nd wife — I imagine that the lust that drove him to it has worn off and he sees her for what she really is now. One thing I do know for certain is that I had sent a pair of earrings for her and a cute onesie and sherpa blanket for the baby. He told me that she hasn’t ever used the onesie or blanket and he doesn’t see the earrings, clothes or blanket anywhere — either she’s thrown all my gifts out or is never intending to use them. I think her actions speak for themselves, so I don’t particularly care about her. He hasn’t asked her about them straight out because she is using every opportunity to fight with him and continues to threaten him with his baby. He says he has enough on his mind that he is tired always having deal with her attitude.

    He has said even before we learned about his hepatitis b being active, that I had always been great to him and have never changed who I am (aside from the initial shock & reaction to his secret marriage). For his 2nd wife, when he made it clear to her that she was marrying an already married man BEFORE they married, she acted like everything was fine and she was completely on-board. She then lied to him about being on birth control, then as soon as the baby was born, began manipulating him. She has only continued to change and show who she really is — this is what he tells me, and I don’t have any reason to doubt it. She disgarded my gifts, refuses any requests for communication, and seems to be generally out for herself. So, I’m sorry, but that all sounds pretty selfish and insensitive on her part to me and I don’t feel that I have any need to counsel him to be “sensitive” to her. If she were a sister-in-faith, maybe I could bring myself to care, but she’s proven that she has no concern for God and is “Christian” in name only. I think he’s already going above and beyond what she deserves for her behavior towards him, but I’m not involving myself with whatever their interactions are. My only concern is towards my husband and our life. She can continue to do what she wants.

    @Ummof4, I just saw your added reply, where you say I should counsel him to be a better person. I do continue to remind him for Salat and he has been keeping up with daily prayers pretty well when he can. I don’t feel any reason to ask him to bend over backwards to accomodate his 2nd wife — due to her behavior and what I think her intentions are. What they do is between them and I don’t need to be involved since obviously she doesn’t want me to be and uses his baby against him to that end.

    Also, I would like to say that I don’t think I’ve been making excuses for my husband. I’ve only been either just telling you guys what he has said, or I give my opinion on something that has happened. I have complained about how he spent his vacations, and the money issue. But honestly, these two things don’t seem to be such a big problem right now. What difference would it make if he spent more money on me if he dies in a few months? I would rather our time be happy and pleasant, not full of petty arguments about worldly things. Insha’Allah, I will be making more than enough money if I can make it into & through med school. Allah gives, just as easily as He can take. happy

    @Kim, lol, yea I wouldn’t mind calling a potato what it is, but in this case — based only on what I know — I agree with my husband and I don’t think he is wrong. With your husband, it sounds like he is at least calm, right? I don’t see why he is making those offers to you (not being with “N”winking when you’ve already made your intentions preeeeetty clear. Men, they really don’t make much sense at all laughing Its awesome to see your mood is good though, you seem cheerful happy

    Well, I need to get back to the books, I’ll talk to you guys later. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Nothing seems to be “unfair” or unjust to me at this point, and from what I see, it looks like my husband is trying what he can in his power and to the best of what sense he can make of things. Insha’Allah, his liver isn’t badly damaged.

  • Kim

    December 7, 2013

    Asalaam aleikum and good morning all,

    @Spirited, I’m so sorry that your hubby is dealing with this. While I kind of agree with Gail, I don’t have the heart during a time like this to bring all that out to him. Now’s not the time, and anyway, he’s fully aware of his shortcomings and hypocrisy in calling your co “selfish”. M and I have gone rounds like this when he bashes N and I just throw in his face that many things he accused her of, he wrote the damn book on them! LOL…

    @Lisie, best I can suggest is yes, make that connection with #2 and the sooner the better. Then you’ll at least have a place to put your feet, so to speak, and hopefully build from that a good relationship or at least a civil one. I don’t recall in your posts if you said or not, but what do you know of #2′s feelings toward another wife joining the family?

    @ all,

    So you know M waffled about some Monday night saying he wouldn’t pursue re-establishing his marriage with N if I won’t be around should it not work out (I still shake my head at his audacity). Well, I let the matter drop this week since Tuesday, we haven’t really been around each other at all anyway. This morning I followed one of my hunches and stole a peek into his wallet, since his phone is showing absolutely nothing in terms of communication w/ her, but I knew something was up! Anyway, lo and behold, a receipt from a big box store in her suburb, THE big box store she works at, dated yesterday at 3:45 which means he left work at 3:30, the beginning of his break, drove a 20 mile round trip to the big box to buy…2 packs of gum! LOL…since the exact same big box has a location next to his workplace and hey, you can buy gum anywhere, one can only conclude he drove that long trip on his break in subzero weather AFTER somehow getting in contact with N and finding that she was at work – or maybe it was arranged before this to meet yesterday, I have no idea. In any case, contact almost surely was made and not from his phone (which I would see in peeking at his account online) but from the house phone at his work. And Alhamdulillah….dude just better not lie and say he hasn’t seen/spoken to her, which I suspect he will do, lying is second nature to this man.

    Anyhoo, that’s where that is. He is snoring on the couch as I type, and I’m separating laundry – putting his in its own pile and not with mine as I usually do. Kind of childish I guess, but why should I do his laundry anymore. He can take it to N’s house, she has her own washer and dryer and I gotta pay for ours here tongue

  • ummof4

    December 7, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Spirited, I agree with Gail. You say that you love your husband. Part of true love is to be a sincere advisor to those we love. You make a lot of excuses for your husband’s incorrect behavior. This is not helping him to be a better person, it’s just accommodating him. Try to find the courage to inform him of his incorrect behavior and be there for him to help him be a better person. Don’t attend his “pity party” because of his medical condition.

    Also, it does not make you a better person to continue to facilitate his incorrect behavior. There is no “martyr complex” in Islam for wives. We are not ordered by Allah to take whatever crap our husbands dish out. We are not supposed to be our husband’s saviors. When you make excuses and don’t try to talk to your husband about being a better person, you are not doing an admirable act. This is not taking the higher ground. You are doing a disservice to your soul and to your husband.

    Spirited, you are a beautiful young woman; don’t be so dependent on your husband for your self-worth and self-esteem.

    Allahu Akbar (Allah is The Most Great)

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    Lisie,

    I had a feeling something was a bit off centered with that second wife. I smell trouble.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2013

    Spirited,
    If u desire him to change and not be so self absorbed then start to point these things out to him and stop letting him by with all this nonsense.NO u can’t change him but u sure can give him food for thought.I bet you anything he does not realize he is so self absorbed and if u would just take the time instead of sugar coating things to point out the obvious then what a real blessing you would be to him I feel.Again please do not take wrong these are my principles I actually live by so I wanted to share with you.
    If your husband understood these things he might not be so worried and want to seek out some holy site to die alone instead he should understand truth.I am not Muslim but really at the end of the day it seems he is one confused individual.
    Think about what I am trying to explain to you.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2013

    Spirited,
    Girl I am sorry but I really think your husband is as selfish a jerk as they come and I will tell u why.
    First of all he actually told u out of his mouth that he would leave the mother of his child because she is” SELFISH”. When I read what u wrote I thought if I was there I would have popped him upside his idiot head to be frank.The last I remember it takes to to Tango(make a baby).
    Him being sick and casting stones at his second wife just seems to me like he is a very self absorbed individual.
    I am really scratching my head as to how you being so sensitive and sweet did not pick up on his insensitivity towards your cowife. I really don’t get your Mother Theresa Attitude towards him when his deeds toward you have been less than moral.
    I am not saying be cruel but truth and honesty should always be a must if u want to give a person something to chew on/think about so to speak.I feel like u are a person that sugar coats things and I am not to certain that is a good idea to be honest.I don’t know if that would be considered a moral high ground to just let someone think that their immoral deeds are not offending.Again I am not an advocate to bashing anyone but for certain I would have repeated back to him So u would leave the mother of your child because she is Selfish? hmmm
    I would have got my point across without bashing understand.
    I want to bring something else to your attention also that u may not be aware of or really thought about that I have given alot of thought on and that is your Jealousy.I don’t know if u believe u are Jealous or not but I kinda am picking up on clues like when you husband knocks your cowife u do not stand up for what is right and defend not her but the truth like telling him Hey wait a minute u are Selfish so why u faulting another Selfish person?
    It does not mean u are taking up for your cowife that is not your job but instead u are holding him to a higher moral standard understand?I believe this is the real value of a great wife to be honest.
    I mean no disrespect towards you at all these are just my feelings and what I have come to kinda figure out along my life journey.

  • ummof4

    December 7, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Lisie, maybe H or his first wife can give you some insight into the personality of the 2nd wife. If you truly want to become part of their family, you either have to get along with everyone or accept the fact that you may not get along with the 2nd wife for a long time, maybe never. It’s your choice since you are not married yet. Pray on it.

    Spirited, I make du’ah for your husband to be restored to good health, and if it is not Allah’s will, that his pain and suffering be an expiation for his sins. This is the du’ah to make for sick Muslims. Allah has already written what will happen with him and his hepatitis.

    As far as him saying that he does not like being with his 2nd wife any more, and is only with her because of the child, I truly don’t believe that. He sounds scared about his medical condition and knows that you will comfort him and take care of him in his time of stress and need; maybe she won’t. Please do not promise to him that you will not marry another man after him if he dies. Only Allah knows the future. Would he make the same promise to you, that if you die before him that he would never marry another woman? You may die before your husband.

    One of the sahabah (companion of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS)), Abu Salamah was dying and told his wife Umm Salamah that he prayed that she would marry a better husband than him after his death. She told her husband that she could not imagine any man better than him; he was extremely righteous and an excellent husband and father. When Abu Salamah died, Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) married Umm Salamah, so the du’ah of Abu Salamah was answered. His wife did marry a better man than him.

    Many men and women have been miserable in their marriages and had children. Allah does not demand that we live in misery. If your husband is that miserable in his marriage to his 2nd, he can divorce her and support his child. He also has rights as a father to be with his child that are legal rights. Even if she takes the child and leaves, Allah answers the du’ah of those who are sincere in their du’ah and are obedient to Him. A child should not be a reason to stay in a miserable marriage. That is why his reasoning does not sound truthful to me.

    May Allah help us all.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2013

    Lisie,

    I think in your case with being Mormon(I think you are a Mormon) that it is best to try to see the bigger picture of Mormon Polygamy marriage that u seem to be identifying with.I can only assume u are wanting a large family and not just the man? Also I really think u do need to meet this other woman if u have not already and do lunch or something with his wife.Do like a girls day out because I think it is very important esp if you girls will live under the same roof(I have no idea if that is the case or not at this time) but it would be helpful to u to do a lunch or several lunches with the girls to see if u can connect with not only his wife but the other woman also.The reason I am saying this is because even though u really like his wife right now I wonder if that would change if u seen she was liking and getting along with the second wife really well esp if u and the potential second wife find that u rub each other the wrong way.Are u following me here?
    One major thing I can say about Polygamy that I learned very well is if wives do live in the same home and have contact with each other then your relationship with your cowife/cowives is equally important as your relationship with your husband.It all goes back to family and somehow making a square peg fit into the round hole.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m writing from bed on my phone. I apologize for being insensitive to your husband’s condition. I’m sure you could understand how your mum, I think and others would react as we do. It’s easy for one to feel all sorry and repent when facing death. What does it mean? Allah lets us know in Quran, it’s too late then. If given a clean bill of health, he’d just return to his old self. I’m just saying…people say don’t judge. Allah says judge with what He has given us – The Quran.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lisie

    December 7, 2013

    @Ana, that sounds interesting. I don’t know about being on the show but to help them get it right, maybe. I’ll contact you on the form. happy

    @Gail, wow I knew of arranged marriages but didn’t know they were so complicated and binding. Just on a verbal agreement? Wow. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your children from that. Being from a culture so removed from that, I don’t know how parents can marry their children to their first cousins though. I’m very close to my cousins, and I can’t imagine being betrothed to them after growing up together.

    On my front, I’ve come to a weird place in my emotional process. I mentioned my jealousy issues a few comments ago and said that I wasn’t feeling that with my prospective family. That seems to have changed a bit.
    I feel fine with the first wife. She is lovely, and we email together. When I think of her and him (I’ll call him H for husband from now on) together, I don’t feel jealous at all. I feel happy that they’re happy with each other.
    However, when it comes to the second, my throat constricts when thinking of her and H. The reaction is so strong that it’s both emotional and physical. Though I can’t categorize the emotion as sadness. I think it’s more of a discomfort because I don’t know her, and I don’t know if she’ll want to know me. Perhaps it’s the unsettling knowledge that she could prevent my entry into the family. It’s absolutely her right, but since I’ve emotionally involved myself, I am scared. Maybe it’s just plain jealousy that her relationship with H is still relatively new and that I’m nothing special.
    *shrug* I’m struggling to remind myself that my worth is not dependent on youth/lust/etc. and that it goes beyond the superficial. Insecurity is hitting me, I guess.

    Wow I actually said it. There it is. I’m going to hit the button and admit it to the world wide web. Hello, world! I’m Lisie (LOL, funny calling myself by an alias), I’m 19, and despite being the youngest and newest to the line-up, I’m insecure!

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Say, what??? Pray for your husband Surprised

    Forgive me. I skimmed your post as I’m probably just as sleepy as you are right now.. I have to think on that one after I get some sleep, or attempt sleep. I’m too out of it to think now…

    Insha Allah, chat with you a bit later. I’m going to shut down for a while, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    Dear Gail,

    I was aware of how it works, but, Oh, my goodness, I almost really got sick as I was reading your description of it. Vomit in paper bag How horrible. I didn’t even finish it yet. I had to take a break. It reminds me of movies I watched of slaves on auction back in the days of slavery. It’s just plain awful. It’s unconscionable. Last night, I was thinking about what you said and I thought for a moment about my first cousin. No way, no how could I see myself married to him. The thought of it is just a grotesque thing.

    You’ve got your hands full, Gail. I can only shake my head right now. I don’t know what I’d do, if I were you. I haven’t a clue.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 7, 2013

    Salaam everyone

    I hope everyone has been well, and that your week was nice!

    @Lynnette, I like how you compared the idea of husband being fair between wives to parents being fair with kids. However, I think the only time anyone has made an issue out of the husband’s fairness/lack of fairness is if he’s been doing something really one-sided. That’s not exactly the same as how a parent handles kids, in my opinion. But what do I know, I could be wrong laughing

    @Billy, I notice that even though your mother-in-law seems to be “typical desi mother-in-law” that you hear about and see in dramas, you still have a happy-go-lucky attitude. That’s pretty awesome of you big grin Basically, I guess I’m just trying to say, hang in there — I think your idea of politely avoiding her is good.

    @A.K., I’m sorry to hear all the deceit you had to go through with your Pakistani husband. I’m almost not surprised anymore to hear this. I was very surprised some months back when I read about so many cases about Pakistani men lying their way into 2nd marriages. But now, all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. Some people say that the reason muslim countries like Pakistan are falling backwards instead of progressing is because the people’s Imaan is weak and their hearts are diseased — and I mean that for men, and women as with mothers-in-law who decidedly just seem to want to just sit on a throne and poke at the daughters-in-law and watch them squirm. (and yet other people would say its political, but I have to admit, it does seem like both reasons have merit). Anyway, I suppose I can’t offer you more than what the other women have already counselled you. Please continue to write in and share whatever you need to, it does help happy And as for your mother-in-law, I wouldn’t be able to say anything that could help. I’ve been blessed with an actually decent person for mine and she’s not caused me any trouble, Masha’Allah.

    @Gail, I’m as surprised as you are. laughing But then, I always look for the best in people, so I wouldn’t have suspected Pakistani wives being in-cahoots with the men to get immigration. I’m sure it happens, but I know so many Pakistani women suffer terribly. I’ve heard of women who pretty much spend their entire lives alone (or just with their kids and in-laws) while their husband stays in another country to make money and send it back home. I actually know of one such family — the husband and a son have been living in the States for 15+ years, and only went back to see the wife ONE time. The husband’s other children have grown up without a father back in Pakistan, and the wife has grown old without her husband. (although in this case, the husband never did take another wife, but it can’t have been easy for his wife to be essentially a single parent). I say to my husband sometimes — I didn’t marry to live alone. It’s so sad that it actually happens sad

    And now a depressing update. Well, sort of. You guys remember that I’ve been asking for your prayers in regards to my husband’s hepatitis b? Today his doctor was supposed to have the results from the tests that checked his liver’s condition and if there was any cancer. These results didn’t come in yet, but my husband talked to me more about what has been on his mind about this. I didn’t think it was as serious as he says it could be.

    So, hepatitis b can be an acute case (you get it, body fights it off, you’re good from then on). Or a chronic case (it keeps coming back). It attacks the liver and can eventually — over 30 to 40 yrs without treatment — lead to liver cancer (3 – 6 months to live in that case). With treatment of hep b, liver damage can be slowed, but there is no cure. If cancer is present, even with cancer treatments, there is only about a 30% chance of survival. Liver transplant waiting lists are already very long, plus, with a chronic hep b case, the transplanted liver can also be attacked and lead to the same end, so you’re likely not to be chosen if a match is found.

    So we don’t know yet what my husband’s liver’s condition is. I told him to be optimistic — it may only have a little bit of damage and getting on medication, he can live a decent life. He says the tests that have already been done for which results are back don’t paint a good picture. His doctor estimates that he may have a chronic case for about 10 yrs so far, so he may have 20-30 yrs before cancer sets in. My husband is worried that he may already have cancer, and he keeps seeing advanced signs in himself. I think he’s being a little too pessimistic in that regard, and I keep telling him not to be so defeatist and try to keep high hopes.

    He hasn’t told anyone else about this — he doesn’t want our parents and family to worry. He hasn’t told his 2nd wife either. He’s told me, and only me, so far. He says I give him comfort. He’s so depressed about this that he says he doesn’t want me to suffer through the agony of watching him slowly die. He also said when his condition gets worse, he wants to just dissapear from everyone’s life to die alone so that no one is sad and crying over him in his final hours — he wants to make Hajj and die in one of Islam’s sacred places. He thinks Allah must be angry at him and punishing him for his sins. I told him that he shouldn’t think like that — for all he knows, maybe Allah likes him so much, He wants to take him right now. happy (but he didn’t seem convinced, heh). I skipped my MCAT prep class today and instead spent time with him after his work, and he was trying very hard to hold back his tears but I saw them although he tried to hide his eyes. (I tried too of course because I didn’t want him to feel worse). He said that he knows I love him so much that I wouldn’t marry anyone else when he died, but he wanted me to promise him that I would look for happiness and not live alone. He was constantly apologizing for “ruining” my life. I told him that he didn’t ruin my life and that I’ve never been happier than I am with him. He asked me, “what are you? how can someone like you exist?” and he also said I am very stubborn because I said I couldn’t imagine making that promise because he would always be in my heart. I said he shouldn’t be so depressed, we don’t know what the condition of his liver is just yet. We’ll make the important decisions once the results come in. I consoled him, held him, and we talked a bit more, I massaged him and he eventually fell asleep.

    I’ve been praying for him ever since the first test showing an active virus infection, and I’ll continue to pray for him because Allah can do anything. I’m trying my best to be optimistic and keep his spirits up as well, but when I’m alone, I become overwhelmed with depressing thoughts and find myself crying. I told my mom, because I needed to talk to someone. The first thing she said was something like Allah is getting revenge for her. I instantly regretted telling her. I was dumbfounded, and I think I said I didn’t think she was quite THAT close to Allah that He would personally put this into my husband’s life just to get “revenge” for her when my husband hasn’t even done anything to her to deserve possible early death. Later in the day, she was more sensible, but she still didn’t really help. One thing my mom said, she said that it was great of me to have been so kind to my husband, even despite his lies and deceptions. I never betrayed my personality & nature, even if she and everyone else thought I was being an idiot by not being harder on my husband or just dumping him. She said my husband must have noticed that and he must appreciate it, especially now.

    I swear, sometimes it just seems like he and I are two of the unluckiest people on earth happy. In the face of all this, the polygamy and lies matter even less to me. He’s even said he’s sick of his 2nd wife and if weren’t for the baby, he’d be rid of her because her selfishness is only adding to his problems and he wishes he could change the past. I’ve told him, he should just focus on what is important and he knows that I always have his back. Well, in any case, now we wait until the test results come in. He’s trying to be cheerful or keep his mind off it, Insha’Allah, his liver’s condition isn’t very bad. Your continued prayers would be wonderful. <3 <3 I hope this wasn't too long or depressing. I'm still awake way past my bedtime so I hope I made sense laughing Goodnight ladies, talk to you next time.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    I just want to say I’m am very happy and thankful to Allah that more wives who have joined exiting families are joining our blog family here. A wife that married first is no better than a second wife or third or fourth and a wife who married second is no better than a first, or third or fourth. Allah swt tells us that the most honorable person is the most righteous.So, we know the order in which a wife marries doesn’t make her better than another wife. We all have a tendency to want to feel superior to another, but it’s just another negative that we have to overcome.

    By us all being here together we can learn so much for one another. One thing I’d think we’d learn is compassion as we see we all experience hurt and pain, regardless of what order we married our husbands in. We all look for a remedy and want to live in a state of peace. A husband and wife are supposed to live in peace and tranquility.

    I’m grateful to Allah for everyone who has joined our blog family here, participated in discussions, and for all the many readers out there. Allah u Akbar!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    Lisie, Hello,

    I just checked my email and a couple days ago a production company sent me request for help in casting a new polygamous lifestyle show.. I immediately thought of you as you seem to be a candidate for what they are looking for. I think with your intellect and wisdom you’d be an asset for them, if not be a candidate for a star on the show then maybe give them some guidance they are seeking. If you are interested let me know. You could contact me by way of the contact form so I’ll get an email from you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2013

    Ana,
    Oh I should explain child brides just in case u are not totally aware of how it works.Sometimes the family/brothers and sisters will sit and talk and say for example a sister will say to her brother I would like to marry my oldest daughter to your oldest son.The children might be only babies or in some cases not even born yet.It is a verbal agreement between the two siblings that they will marry the two children together when they are marriage age (this happens alot in Pakistani culture and is another form of arranged marriage) This is what I have witnessed. My one sister inlaw and brother inlaw have verbally made an agreement to marry two of their children to each other when they were just babies.And my oldest brother inlaw and his wife were verbally arranged since they were babies and yet my youngest sister inlaw was verbally arranged to marry before she was ever even born if u can imagine.
    My mother inlaw and her sister inlaw got together and agreed if my mother inlaw had another daughter she would marry that baby in her sister inlaw family well she got pregnant and had a daughter and my youngest sister inlaw knew her entire life basically that she would be married to that one boy but because of the family feud and my oldest brother inlaw divorce my inlaws refused to marry her in that family because it was the same family that divorced my one sister inlaw.My little sister inlaw had the hardest time when they married her to another man because she had been waiting her entire life to marry the other boy if u can image.Yup truth is stranger than fiction.It is just mind blowing to me that this stuff really is happening in the world.

  • Gail

    December 7, 2013

    Ana,
    I don’t know if u are aware of child brides or not but this practice is very much done all over Pakistan and India.IF my husband wanted to fix all of our childrens marriages today in Pakistan there would be nothing preventing him from doing it.My choice not to go back to Pakistan and live has been 90% based on this knowledge.He has a very strong desire to marry the children in his family even though he says he don’t care but when I mention the children marrying in my culture to a white people he says noway never better they live single and never marry so I figured out he is going to be a huge problem later on and I need to get my ducks in a row for the sake of the children.
    I will never let it happen and I am so against these type of marriages.I loath them at this point to be honest.

  • ana

    December 7, 2013

    Sis Gail,

    I am just as speechless as you are, so speechless, I couldn’t speak about it till now and I still don’t know what to say. I’m at a lost for words. I’m totally confused.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 6, 2013

    Lynette yes funny you have mentioned the fair and just thing and individual differences.I have had a week like that too with kids like ” that’s not fair,you gave her that, I want one too,etc”…and then I think well they are different kids,motivated differently,have different interest, different study habits…and then there is a broad aware of things they will both be pleased with, maybe just will have a color preference…and yes I thought maybe its hard in some terms to be just and fair with 2 women 2 different personalities.guess I saw something of myself in the kids :/…

  • Gail

    December 6, 2013

    Lynette,
    I am sorry to hear you are not feeling very well these days.I also like your advice on looking into insurance.I will be looking into that as well.In the near future.I hope u get to feeling better soon.

  • Gail

    December 6, 2013

    Ana,
    I am noticing K.A. and Spirited both are Pakistani woman that have been played by their husband.Until now I was under the sincere impression that this was not happening inside the Pakistani community.For awhile now I not felt very empathetic towards Pakistani woman thinking they were somehow being protected or were part of this elaborate scheme with Pakistani men to use woman in the name of Islam to get foreign citizenship.I am now beginning to think that I might be wrong and all the woman involved are being toyed and played with.It is very thought provoking.

  • Gail

    December 6, 2013

    A.K.

    I have to say I am some what shocked that u being a Pakistani woman that u had the same crap pulled on u that I did.Please do not take me wrong here but WOW I am speechless that this could happen within the Pakistani community and not to Quote a foreign woman.So it means that these Pakistani men are doing clear across the board sadly.
    My husband and I actually had some cross words when I brought u up and how u are being treated by your mother inlaw.I do like how u talked about your brothers and I can only assume they have been brought up in UK with a different set of morals although u did mention that your husband is also from UK so I am left wondering is this really a Pakistani culture thing or a I am Muslim man G.D complex thing?Really u have left me scratching my head here.Even logically speaking there was no reason for your husband to marry u if he did not need citizenship.Yeah I get that he might not have been happy with his 1st wife but that was and is not your problem that he felt compelled to lie and insult u by taking u for a wife when he CLEARLYYY knew u would not marry a married man.I mean if that is not insulting I don’t know what is.
    Also I am curious is your family aware of his deeds?

  • ana

    December 6, 2013

    @Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam happy

    I like your analogy a lot. I agree with your perception of “just” and “fair”. What I really am with you on is your statement: “In Shaa Allah, allot us will be guided to the Straight path, and we will learn to accept Allah’s (swt) plan for us.”

    When it comes to “just” and “fair” what we need to consider as well is that Allah is the One Who allocates. He allots. He gives us what he wants us to have. It could be that one wife has earned the favor of Allah and He rewards her with something that he doesn’t give the other wife. He may send the reward by way of the husband. Allah decides all things. We don’t always no the reason Allah does what He does. It’s goes a lot deeper than it, as well. A husband could be unjust as a means of punishment that he has earned and will suffer for it in this life and maybe the Hereafter, as well. It’s heavy.

    It where I think some have a misunderstanding of Allah when they say for instance, if a husband spends $1.00 here, he has to spend a dollar there. It’s not going to be able to work that way. Again, I go back to the saying, Allah does not give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. “Just” and “fair” is really quite relative.

    I have to run now and prepare desert for Alex and me. I’m hopeful we’ll all have a wonderful weekend. Love you all. Love you, ummof4 {{{hugs}}} everyone…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    December 6, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All:

    First, I was hoping to address the “fair and just” issue, from a woman’s perspective.

    I thought about this posting when my daughter told me that I am not “fair” with her, vis-a-vis her brother.

    Technically, she is correct. I am not fair. I try to meet each of their needs, as best as I can. Their needs are different. If I can’t be “fair” with my children — whom I love dearly — how can I expect that any husband could be “fair” between me and another wife?

    My needs, wants, and hopes are unique to me. Her needs, wants, and hopes are unique to her.

    In Shaa Allah, allot us will be guided to the Straight path, and we will learn to accept Allah’s (swt) plan for us.

    Now, in the interim:

    @Sister Laila,

    I understand that your husband’s financial plan is a little bit disconcerting. But there is time now to do something about your long-term security.

    First, consider banking and investing a portion of your allotment as long-term retirement savings. Here in the U. S., we have tax-advantage retirement savings; I am sure your country has some financial vehicle for a self-funding retirement. In Shaa Allah, you can find one — an account, an annuity, something — and then Calmly discuss with your husband that since his retirement goes to his wife, you recognize the need to establish something for your own protection, and seek his input. Then….ask hi to help you fund it.

    Second, make sure that your home, business, and vehicle are sheltered properly.

    Third, if such a thing can be obtained easily, buy a life insurance policy to protect you in the event of your husband’s untimely death. These are inexpensive here. I know that Lloyd’s of london, among other companies, sell insurance globally. Why fight over something that an insurance policy can help you avoid?

    You ladies know I like insurance, right? (Winks at Sister Spirited)

    I’m getting really sick — the cold is not helping. Fibromyalgia is a challenge for me, but for Allah (swt), but for The Reliever, this pain is nothing. I am waiting for Him to provide that relief that only He can.

    Salaams to all,

  • ana

    December 6, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    @Laila and A.K.

    I think when men are polygamous it’s especially important for the wives to have a handle on their own finances and not rely on the husband. There is a reason women’s wealth are theirs to manage, according to Islam. I’ve always been the type of person who wanted to get and have my own. I’m thankful Allah has made it fairly easy for me. He gave me everything that I have. At the same time, I’m one who shares what I have fairly easily, as well. I think it’s a reason I keep receiving more or have enough to take care of all my needs. Allah promise is true that He provides. We need only believe. Everything belongs to Allah; He gives it to us to manage and we’re accountable for how we do it.

    Laila, you’re doing really good with your studies and worship. Alhumdulliah!!! Keep up the good work. You reminded me that I have some fast days to make up from Ramadan when I couldn’t fast because of menses. Insha Allah, I’ll look to do it after the first of the year.

    I noticed with my marital schedule, it’s falling a lot like last year. Alex will be with me again, Insha Allah, New Years Eve. He leaves New Years Day.

    Laila,

    You spoke of the prayers during the night that you get up for. Yes, they are way special. I notice changes when I do it. One thing I notice is my face is bright and a glow that day. When I used to be in the workplace, this one co-worker would often say, “Something about you looks different today.” I knew what it was happy

    The ayat (I saw in my notes) that pertain to the prayers you spoke of is:

    “Establish regular prayers – at the sun’s decline till the darkness of the night, and the morning prayer and reading: for the prayer and reading in the morning carry their testimony.”
    Quran: Surah 17, Ayah 78

    “And pray in the small watches of the morning: (it would be) an additional prayer (or spiritual profit) for thee: soon will thy Lord raise thee to a Station of Praise and Glory!”
    Quran: Surah 17, Ayah 79

    If we forsake our beds when most others are sleeping so we could worship Allah swt, of course He would reward us for it. How beautiful it is.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 6, 2013

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all. I pray that all of the Muslims are having a blessed Jum’uah. There is a time during this day when du’ahs(prayers) will be answered. To the non-Muslims, I hope you are also having a pleasant day.

    Laila,
    Leave the old flame alone. Don’t respond at all, or if you do, just tell him you’re married and do not want to communicate with him. You stated that sometimes your marriage seems routine; don’t change your routine by rekindling an old flame!!! DANGER, DANGER, DANGER.

    Yes, sometimes men get settled and don’t want to do anything but relax or do a hobby. Children often make it easier for a wife who is feeling ignored or somewhat neglected; she can concentrate on them instead of and in addition to her husband. You don’t have any children, so you expect your husband to spend quality time with you in and outside of the home. My suggestion is to become more interested in his hobby with cars. Ask him questions about his fascination and interest in the cars. Stop thinking that it is silly and idiotic (I know you probably don’t mean it that way, but I understand you being annoyed.). Attend a car show/exhibit with him. Even though it may be boring to you, it will be quality time. Then suggest that you go out to lunch or dinner before or after the car show and talk about what you want to talk about – your hopes, dreams, future plans, etc. He may be surprised at the change in you if you had not previously shown an interest in the cars, but believe me, he will appreciate your interest. If for some reason there are no car shows/exhibits in your area, buy him a gift that relates to his car or other cars that he is interested in.
    If your husband’s hobby is car shows and meetings, Alhamdulillah. Many husbands have much more negative and destructive hobbies. Husbands are addicted to alcohol, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, gambling, pornography, adultery, bribery, theft, etc.
    Let us know how you make out if you take this suggestion.

    Love you all, keep the faith. May Allah protect us all.

  • Laila

    December 6, 2013

    Dear A.K. I’ve just read all that you’ve had to say and I must that you too have lots to handle on your part. I can see how the sidelining of your children hurts you. I’m not a mother as yet but I’m sure I will be protective of my own brood when they come along. Yes he started off wrongly with you. You’re also a bit fed up being a secret for so long. I’ve been with my hubby for thirteen years now. This Sunday Insyaallah I’m meeting my late mum-in-laws sister for the first time….. You can imagine my situation. Even earlier as we were discussing, I told hubby to re-think as I don’t want to create issues between him and my co-wife. He told me that my co-wife doesn’t have to be treat like a toddler. It’s time already to start meeting up with the rest. I’m feeling a bit nervous. You said you’re not the worldly type. Okay noted. But now that you have kids, I suggest you start working hard on a savings plan for them. I say this because I get a feeling your husband hasn’t any plans as such for them. I’m so sorry if I’m blunt! … But I guess we women sometimes have to wake up and smell the coffee. You know know your situation and it’s been ten years now, so either you rock the boat or you tolerate matters till the very end. I had major issues in terms of scheduling and I rocked our boat. He understood and he behaved. I know that we must allow Allah s.w.t. To plan for us, but as much as we make our prayers, we should also have put our foundation well. I’ve been telling many of my sisters here of my dreams…. Now I’ve got to even work smarter and make money for my old age. I’m not part of my husbands cash out retirement plan. U know how uncomfortable I feel? …. I felt to uncomfortable that while taking a shower a few weeks ago ( when I found out… Accidentally ) that I was sobbing in my shower. I’ve forgiven him and myself now. And I won’t ask too. Being on this blog has in many ways opened up my heart and my eyes. How can I harass him for my part when it was under her name years ago? Even before we met? It’s mean if I do so….. Really. But then again it also reminds me that I’ve got to quickly work something out for myself. I can depend on him for anything in terms of financial stability when we grow old. I’ve got to take care of my own self. I do feel so side lined at times, then again rumors of him having a girlfriend by the side. We all have so many issues dear. But the best is to find a solution. I’ve realized that now. Pakistani or not, men can be unpredictable at times. We women are very naive. It’s time we wake up and become wise. It doesn’t mean we should be all rebellious and be the mean wife, but good to know where we stand and what can be done. Another thing, Allah s.w.t. Hears and Sees all. Don’t worry, one day things will clear up for you. It’s not going to be gloomy forever. I’m currently trying to wake up late at night and carry out my prayer. I’ve read in some Islamic books that most prayers done late at night are effective. I’ve also started my routing of fasting on Thursdays. I see a difference in my temperament and how I handle stress. Not marvelous but some progress though. I wish I could be or more help. Do keep us posted ya sister.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    December 6, 2013

    Dear Gai, just read your post and boy oh boy a lot seems to be brewing on your side of the fence! Be strong and keep calm…. Fighting and arguing will only make you look like the monster at the end of the day. Yes my old fame isn’t married and will settle down more in our own country, I guess he just wants to be friends. I don’t know. Im sensing that there’s a lot of change taking place in your life now Gail. I just got home after my last paper and I am so flat out… But somehow I do feel like going out and grabbing a bit of a snack though…. Hmmmm….. By keeping your finance separate you’re doing the best thing ever for yourself. He’s not to be trusted. Even I keep my finance separate. It’s not that I don’t trust him but I just I just like to keep matters clean and clear at the end of the day. Sometimes when we trust someone so much and when they f$&@ up it’s so difficult to digest. I’m sure you know where I’m coming from… About your children marrying into his family well…. That’s a lot to bear. With all the nonsense created just to cover up matters I totally understand your feelings and your stance on the matter. Be strong and be silent and you will see a solution to this mess….

    Salam.

  • ana

    December 6, 2013

    @Gail,

    I don’t blame you one iota for your intent NOT to marry your children to family. It’s high time the cycle gets broken and it has to begin somewhere. With your children is a good start. It goes against Islam for parents to marry children to whom the parents want without the children’s consent or not to take into consideration the children’s thoughts and feelings. Then, as we see, the males learn to leave Pakistan and go to foreign land to find wives to USE for their and the families’ benefit. It’s appalling.

    Another thing that goes against Islam is the breaking of blood ties amongst Muslim family members, yet you hear of these family feuds that linger on indefinitely. The people are too prideful to make peace. It’s very sad. I understand how you can’t understand it. It makes no sense. You probably exploded because you had been trying your best not to mix up in what was going on and in doing so, it built up inside you. It’s frustrating at times to sit back and watch something going on that’s not right and you can’t do anything or no one seems to hear you or care when you speak on it. It’s crazy.

    I don’t know, Gail. You have to let it play out. None of the children are old enough for marriage yet; thank God much. You’ve got time. Don’t promise them out to anyone though. I don’t think I needed to say it to you LOL. Insha Allah, try not to focus on it too much for now. I know it’s not easy. You have to see how it begins to unfold, and take it from there. What’s happening with your sister-in-law seems to be a never ending nightmare. I know you feel for her, but can’t reach her sad Hang in there. {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • A.k

    December 6, 2013

    Salam ladies

    Such lovely quotes and wise words, very much appreciated. I feel this forum has gave me a sense of hope and the feeling that I am not alone and it’s not just injustice to just me that I am hearing Nd by the will of Allah swt I will continue staying strong.

    @Rash- I am his second wife and I am 34 and he is 44. My feelings were the same and sometimes still are as the way you are feeling as he lied to me still does as I was his secret.

    @Ana- you made me lol as typical Pakistani men do this but I have never come across one and the one I do married me and played the game so connivingly. I feel so naive and feel I was vulnerable and did not explore as I had no reason to think he would lie( ow boy do I know better know). My brothers are nothing like the way my husband is therefore I didn’t think to question him. We met through mutual friends and as they were more his friends they thought it was his choice to tell the truth or not. My mum is so understanding and never once pressurised me into marrying in the family yet I am a Pakistani aswel. His family lives 40 miles away from where my family and I live so no one knew of them at that time I have been married for 10 years.

    @gail- thank you for speaking the truth and that’s what attracted me to this forum as iv always felt I was going crazy as no one else was in a situation of polygamoy except me and not by choice either. I asked why he lied and he said when we met and we were all sat talking amongst friends you said I would never marry a married man so it stuck in his head as fell in love with me and yet could not come forward to tell the truth instead I had to find out through the harsh way after having two kids.
    His first wife is his secon cousin from same village so they are very closely related but closer than me as I am out of the family completely .his family never attended the wedding as I got married abroad that was not the plan as I went for my brothers wedding and he came over ( he got to know my brothers aswel ) so he was invited and my parents initiated the thought to get married and he said his father would attend as his mother was not happy but he did not and he made an excuse that he was not well. So we did not get his parents blessings . We are both from the uk so there was never the intention of citizenship or green card. His first wife was from Pakistan and he had to call her over through a marriage visa.

    @laila- in have tried to talk to him but he refuses to admit there is a problem as it’s working for him so why should he feel to address a situation that is only in my head. All he will say don’t worry I’ll sort it out. Funnily enough us speaking about the mother in law she is Pakistan and my father in law came back on his own as he wasn’t well ( he is the only person who is genuine and talks well to me and the kids yet he has no say as he is old and weak but my mother in law is the dominant in there house) so I spoke to him and said shall I bring the kids over and he said yes come so plucked the courage to go the other day and he was alone and I sat with him and talked in general and after 1 hour my sister in law and her kids came in and no one has seen me or my kids ( I last went to ther house nearly 3 years ago when my mother in law said p divorce him and get married again) so she was pleasant to me and then said you look like the kids elder sister and not there mum at this point I thought she doesn’t know who I am mad when she said what are there names the penny must have dropped as his family knew of me and kids but never seen me. She didn’t say anything but she went to the kitchen and then my brother in law and she must have asked him to see is it really me as he peeped in and said hello and went back ( he saw me 3 years ago at the mums house) so he told her is it before I knew the house was full of his nieces and nephews yet I had never been introduced to anyone. They were pleasant and did not say anything and I left after another hour even though my kids did not want to go as they were so surprised to see this was a new side to people who were at there grandads house. As I left my sis in law approached me and said I apologise but I didn’t know who you were and all said was it’s ok we were never introduced so you were not to know and I left. While we were there my husband did ring and said where are you and he was not surprised or said anything I think he was relieved in a sense that I met them even though I have been married for 10 years and I have been patient and that’s what I kept asking Allah swt that why can I be a part of there family and have a normal life so I thank Allah swt that I was given this opportunity so my kids do not feel they have no other relatives.

    @kim – you sound like such a strong willed person the way you husband spoke to you and you stood your ground.and I will definitely look out for the wise words of Gail and Umm04.

    @lynnette- after 10 years I have sued my mother in law out she will go to all lengths to make sure I am an arms length from her side of the family. I just feel a woman who prays and does good for her community ( she is well known for her work) and is very affectionate and caring towards others can treat me like this. When she has seen my kids with her son and when she has come round to my house 2 times last year after not speaking for 2 years to me ( she felt I told her son lies that she said we tell everyone the kids were the neighbours) I just will never understand her full motive and I think we will all eventually taste death and why would you let your good deeds go for the sake of being embarrassed so ppl do not talk ill of her son yet he was the one made this whole mess of everything. Financially he could not support one wife never mind another. He has no land or houses in Pakistan it’s his father that has it and will pass it on to his sons and daughter but I have never talked to my husband about this as I am aware my kids and I do not even get a place to sit in there house why would they even consider us in the equation of splitting finances after he is dead. I have worked hard and the house I have bought is beautiful and I have this for my kids as it is only on my name. I will not ask or beg them for financial rights because if they really want to they will but I can not force anyone to, all I have ever asked is my kids get the same treatment as his other kids my life is half gone and I am not of worldly things but I do not want my kids to grow knowing they never were accepted by the wrongs of there father and why they were side lined by his family as if they were outsiders. My mother in law will do anything to keep me out and when she finds out I came round and met half the family she will be having words with a few of them ( stern words) I can guess. I just pray and do dua that Allah knows best and he will eventually give me the peace that I deserve even though I went the other day I am sure I will not be allowed to go again as they will be making an excuse of some sort to please my mother in law and also of the thought that his first wife might turn up ( I have met her and she is a sly person says something else does something else she is 46 ) I am civil with everyone and I will see what comes of this visit .

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Laila,
    I am having a talkative day myself.
    There must be something in the water today! LOL
    Holy Who girl you and your dear hubby have alot of years between you.
    Also for the record I 100% understand about your first love.I think he is just fishing to see what is going on with you if he is not married.I now understand in life their is always multiple roads ahead of us and alot of detours along the way.I never saw it before until this year but now I see it really clear.Every single day we get up and choose the path we will walk.Believe me more days than not I indulge myself and think of what a different path would feel like.I am starting my new path now with this new real estate venture and I am so excited.
    I might be starting a new path come tomorrow with my hubby after expressing myself so verbally to him about my inlaws.Me and my big mouth.
    Oh I think I would keep your first love calling u to yourself and not share that info with your hubby as to not rock the boat.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Ana,
    Also I forgot to mention that I requested to hubby to get cowife phone number so I could talk to her and tell her sorry for her loss regarding her father.I overheard my mother inlaw tell my husband not to give me the number as she don’t want drama because of her daughter.I told my father inlaw straight that divorce with my sister inlaw is not best idea at this time because her 4 year old daughter was diagnosed with a hole in her heart and she will have to have surgery next year.The child has stopped breathing a few times.So my father inlaw goes back to Pakistan and just sits there waiting on his sister to come great him and say she is sorry to him.Like he is some kind of King.I told my husband straight the door swings both ways why don’t he get off his duff and go to her and talk straight with her and try to come up with a reasonable solution to the problem.I just get Talk to the Hand from hubby.
    I don’t know I have been trying to just be silent on everything because I know there is not going to be a meeting of the minds.I just thought it is better I get my own ducks in a row and let him and his family deal their own stuff.Do I resent them for everything Yes I guess I do but I am not letting the resentment consume me or at least I have been really trying to work on me.I really do not know what happened and why I just blew my top.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Ana,
    I really don’t know if long term it is going to workout between my husband and I.
    I am seeing a train wreck in the future as far as hostility goes between me and his family.
    He really really desires to marry the kids in his family and he is just insane to think I am going to go along with it.I would rather live separate from him or divorce him than have the children marry in that family.I do blame his family for their actions concerning cowife and myself.I feel it is almost sadistic to say to the children ok these people hurt your family but that is ok u go ahead and marry in that same family.
    I am not just talking about me I also am seeing the hell my cowife went through living under those people when she was telling them to tell me all those years and they told her to keep her trap shut.
    Obviously this is not sitting well with my husband and I at all.

  • ana

    December 5, 2013

    Billy, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You make me laugh all the time rolling on the floor Your mother-in-law and you probably have a love/hate relationship. It’s all it is.

    You sound to have such an awesome relationship with your co and her daughter. You sound to have the best poly relationship that I’ve heard on hear thus far. I pray Allah swt continues to bless you and the family. It’s beautiful.

    About “C” reading the blog, it doesn’t bother me that she reads it. I think it would have had she found the blog when I first began it, as I really needed to get everything out there when I did. Now, there is really not much for me to write about. Everyone has to remember Alex was with her dating for a few years before he met and married me, so he knew well what he was getting when he got her. When he had the honeymoon period with her, he had it with me too, because we didn’t begin know each other until he married her and I began to take notice of him.

    Getting back to me writing details on the blog about his and my life, there isn’t much to write. He likes the schedule and follows it without any deviation. On weekends when he has to leave one of us to go to the other, he does it somewhat like clockwork. I never ask him to deviate from the schedule.

    One reason I decided not to speak in details too is that my wali/bestess had suggested I stop it quite a while before Alex asked me to stop giving details. My bestess had said I need to not elaborate on things because Alex would only catch hell from her and it would spill over in my home.

    Alex doesn’t want me to talk about the work affairs that he and I attend or political affairs or when we go out with his niece and others. I’m mindful that she has to be way bitter and angry that I became his legal, recognized wife and she is not. It’s weird. I know no one can say what they would or would not have done. I, however, just couldn’t see myself being with someone, get dumped, he marries another legally and then come back to me and make me a wife without the benefits of being legal. After all, she was with him first. A lot of her hurt probably comes from a feeling of being “cheated,” especially since she doesn’t know much Islam for it to help her.

    I anticipate that things may spruce up with vacations that I will, Insha Allah, speak here of when they happen. I intend to plan some very cool expensive vacations that I’ll pay for and she could ask Alex for them all she wants; he ain’t got that kind of money laughing So, it ain’t about to happen laughing It’s probably why he wants me to keep my mouth shut about the things we do…He can’t afford pressure from her. Get it? – AFFORD LOL

    Well, for now, I’m going to go watch some television with him and relax for a while.

    @Kim, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You hang in there; you hear. It all is going to be okay. I truly believe you deserve better. Allah swt will take good care of you {{{hugs}}}

    @Gail, hello my friend, Peace

    I approved your comment, but got to get back to you, Insha Allah. I have to run for now. I’m eager to read what you said though. I saw the first line. I can’t wait to get back happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Kim,
    I am thinking about u and your new adventure I really think this is a great thing for you and I am also moving this next season.I am looking to buy some older apartments and start rehab and rent them out.I want to rent to own some homes out also.I love real estate investment and I am so excited to get started and get out of this rural farm area in the middle of nowhere.lol

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Ana,
    Boy I really did it this time I think.My husband can poking at me about our married life teasing around with me but trying to get stuff out of me like my feelings.It did not go well.I busted his chops all over the place even stupid me I told him that I have been staying silent because there is no fixing some of our issues other than he has to do what he likes and I will do as I like.Money was one issue.I told him straight I have no intentions of changing my mind and I will be keeping my money separate from next season on because of his past behavior financially towards me.I also told him hm straight his family is not worth for anything for me or his stupid insane culture.Oh boy I really do not know why I did that.I hate to say this but he gets on my nerves with his holier than thou attitude of his.He actually said that I ended up in Polygamy because of my own fault so yeah it set me off really good.I hate when people can jerk my chains and make me go ballistic on them.I feel that is such a lack of self control on my part.
    Our issues comes from him being stuck(even though he swears he is not in his Pakistani culture regarding his parents.I told him although he is stuck with his parents I can assure him 100% I am not and that those people have done nothing for me that I should be grateful to them for anything.I am not looking to inherit anything from them and could careless one way or the other how they deal their life.BOY oh BOY I really let him have it.
    Oh and u want to know what set this crazy firestorm off.I mentioned about A.K. and how her mother inlaw treated her and how she is denying her grandchildren etc.. I told him what I told A.K. and he said no that is not culture her mother in law is just being a B!tch.I then replied back oh really as compared to what your dear worthless mother and father? He piped up and said well they never denied the Grandkids! I just looked at him like are u insane or what.I said yes they may not have officially denied the Grandchildren but they dang sure hid the reality from me even knowing I had a son with u and raising your children from your first marriage.I went on to tell him straight his family is no use for me.I think that Pakistani inlaws for the majority are the most disgusting individuals simply because they only care about the bottom line and that is their sons supporting them.As long as their son is supporting them financially they are fine with whatever he does even if it means manipulating his wife or wives as disgusting as that may sound it seems to be the truth sadly.
    Also I should mention I told my husband to not sell his property in pakistan and let his parents live off that money until they die because I do not want a monthly bill stuck on my head with them.My husband disagrees with me and says no he will get his property and fix a monthly payment with them.Well that is all fine and dandy with me but I want my own finances separate.
    Again let me be clear had my inlaws been forthcoming with me in the past and told me the truth or made hubby tell me the truth about cowife I would 100% feel different and want to care for them but as it stands now they r a real pain in my side.

  • Kim

    December 5, 2013

    @ Sis Lynette, I got the email from Ana and thanks much Ana for passing it along happy I especially am looking at the home buying info you sent regarding Stevens Point (which is a really nice town about 30 minutes from where my daughter and now my son are). May Allah reward you both for passing me this helpful information!

  • billy

    December 5, 2013

    you WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT MY MOTHER IN LAW JUST SAID TO HER!!!!!!!!!

    okay i seriously need to calm down

    this stress can’t be good

    i might just take that bath.. sigh.. seriously need to relax and just NOT hear her on the phone. the thought of her being on the phone is just driving me up the wall. you know what i’m going to take that bath.. candles.. a bath bomb or two. i’m too stressed for bubbles sad and that sucks because i really like playing with bubbles!!

  • Kim

    December 5, 2013

    Asalaam aleikum sister Lynette,

    I saw Ana wrote that she forwarded the info onto me. @Ana, you’re right, I don’t check my email very often LOL….but I didn’t see anything from you. It may have landed in my spam folder so I’ll check that in a few minutes insha Allah. Lynette, sis, thanks much for the info in advance.

    I’m very excited about what’s next. M and I are non-communicative at the moment; not a word since Tuesday afternoon when he called me and said I “just don’t understand”. Whatever. I think I understand perfectly, then Tuesday night came into my bedroom and said he thinks this is the best thing for all of us, reiterating what I’d told him – that maybe some good can come out of all the misery. I pray that’s the case, for all of us. He kept asking me when I’m leaving, and I just asked the same question back to him. He’d said Monday that he had initially wanted to wait until after Christmas, but that he would likely leave before that. Either way, no skin off my nose. I’m probably going when my tax refund comes and that won’t be til March, I don’t think. I’m filing head of household, separate from M to avoid any trouble in THAT regard!

    Regarding recouping the money I sent to Kashmir, eh. I got some of it back and I’m okay with that. He’s put out a lot of money over the years on my behalf and that of the kids who aren’t even his; I put out a lot toward building what was supposed to be OUR future in Kashmir. That’s off the table, and I’m ok with calling us square. As long as I have the truck I’m satisfied.

    @ A.K. and Rasha, welcome to 411 ladies, you’ve come to the right place. These ladies are the bomb! Sounds like you both are in the midst of some trials; such is the polygamous life we lead (or I led at one time). Gail is WONDERFUL. Ummof4 is so wise and seasoned in this life and in Islam…listen to these girls!!!

    Laila, I have to agree, you’ve made some incredible strides since joining us. It’s been wonderful seeing you sisters that arrived after me and watching you progress. Alhamdulillah happy Even though I didn’t “make it” as a polygamous wife myself, I have much admiration for you girls who have hung in there and persevered and grown so much from where you started when you joined us. It’s very inspirational, and a testament to what a wonderful community Ana has put together with the permission of Allah. It’s awesome happy

  • billy

    December 5, 2013

    ana you are too kind, i swear…

    what i don’t understand is why on earth your husband would ask you to tiptoe around her feelings by not saying something that might stir something up in her. people blog to share about their lives. this is YOUR blog. if she doesn’t like it, then she shouldn’t visit it.. last i checked she was the one who walked into your marriage and he was the one who let her when you were 100% against it. so now she gets to pout and whine and he has to suffer? it probably won’t be a fraction of the drama she stirred up in YOUR life when she married him. i mean PHOEY. tell her to cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

    i’m in such a mood today. forgive me. i get it, its all in gods hands ultimately. my foul mood has nothing to do with my husband and his other, i truly have no issues on that front. maybe i should start a blog to complain about the hell i get from his sorry excuse of a mother. you’d think the fact that he has 2 wives would mean she’d spread her insanity between me & wife 2 but no way jose. that was one of the things i was looking foward to. not having to deal with her. and i know its just by phone but my GOD some people could really grind your gears even from a distance, which sucks because i was never one to get all riled up over someone being so MEAN and CRUEL.

    i’v decided that i just won’t pick up. i know that’ll probably upset my husband because she’ll just complain.. maybe i’ll just lose my phone. i can always googlechat with my mother and siblings.. luckily my mother in law is not tech savvy so if i have no phone then she can’t contact me. i don’t understand why i put up with her sometimes.

    i just want to curl up in a ball and cry. i never hated someone in my life but she’s getting me VERY VERY dangerously close to making me feel hate. i have my husbands new stepdaughter here laughing and telling me to chill out & just pass her off to her to deal with her next time around. usually when my husbands around i just exchange pleseantries and act like he’s taking the phone from me to talk to her lol. i can’t do that with my new co-step-daughter? (is that what i should call her?).. because then my mother in law will just know my game lol.

    okay.. time for me to relax.. we’re going to sit down to a relaxing movie which i had read once upon a time ago..me and my step-daughter-co or whatever she’s called lol, not my husband, he’s working late and then going to co’s. he always drops in to check on us before he goes there for the night. HAHA funny story, he spends all his nights there lol. why? because i’m pregnant and as much as i loved being with him and cuddling pre-pregnancy, i cannot stand him anywhere near me in bed.. i just feel so conjested, i need the entire bed and i can’t be touched by anyone or i just throw up. idk why that happens. good thing he has another wife lol.

    OMG MY MOTHER IN LAW IS CALLING AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! god help me. can’t she just leave me alone.. ha thank god.. my husbands step daughter just picked up and lied to her that i was taking a bath. thank god. at least she could be my buffer. oh, and i guess i’ll be taking a “bath” everytime she calls from now on.

    i envy ladies with sweet loving caring mother in laws. seriously women, i envy you.

    and OH MY GOD, can’t you believe my co-wife called our mother in law a “sweet angel?!”

    even my HUSBAND LAUGHED AT THAT!!!!!!!!!! lmaooooooooooo

    he was like “yeah.. just don’t change your opinion of her..”

    and i was like “uhh give it time gal”

    and my husband was like “no she never liked you even before i married you. my mom doesn’t usually change her mind about liking people. odds are she’ll stay on her good side”

    and i was like “you know what, perfect, so from now on, don’t ever call your mom from here cuz i don’t really fancy speaking to her, do it when you’re over co’s house”

    and he was like “you can’t just ignore her. sure she’s eccentric but she is my mom dude”

    yeah i think the only thing i can really do now is get rid of my phone. i mean, i don’t really need it. his stepdaughter is almost always here hanging out cuz he hates leaving pregnant me alone. she has a phone so if ever there’s an emergency i can use that.. and i can talk with my family online.. goodbye iphone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    haha.. one of her comments was “you’ll be a horrible mother”… i’ll say i got rid of the phone because “radiation is bad for baby!” lets see her argue about that!

    OH and ana, to add to what i said on top, if he can’t stand the heat he should have never went into the kitchen. he wanted two wives, he can deel with the moodiness of ONE just like he dealt with your anger/disappointment when he decided to make her his wife. he didn’t really think it would be smooth sailing knowing the drama it cause to start off with did he? because if he did he truly needs a reality check.

    sorry for going down on your husband

    but men ::eyeroll::

    share about your trips. share about your life. and if she doesn’t like it. well.. the internets big enough for her to not navigate towards your site. tell him to tell her to check out youtube if she’s that bored online that she gravitates towards your site.

  • Lynnette

    December 5, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    Sister Kim,

    I am appalled by M, but not surprised. I never thought I would experience this combination of sentiments. Absolutely nothing about your husband surprises me, Sister. But once someone tells you and shows you exactly who they are, it is then up to you to decide how to handle that information.

    Yes, leaving is an excellent idea. I tried to send you some tools to help you build the life you want in WI, and there are other tools as well — I am happy to try to help you locate anything that might benefit you.

    Recovering your money, or as much of it as possible, is also a worthwhile endeavor. I would not delay even one moment because you KNOW as a certainty what his intentions are. Never, ever doubt even for a second what you’ve been told. Take him at his word.

    @Sister Laila,

    You’ve demonstrated tremendous growth happy. Yes, that’s true. I’m very happy that you got some of the issues that were negatively impacting your marriage resolved. You were able to achieve results first because of your faith, and then because of your willingness to stand up for yourself. I think we would all be well-served to follow the course!

    Long-term marriage is, generally, predictable. Stable lives and stable families are built in predictability. But that does not preclude you from injecting a bit of unpredictability into your home life winking.

    @Sister A.K.,

    Greetings and welcome. In Shaa Allah, you will find much help and support here. I would counsel you to pay close attention to Sister Gail, and her advice about managing your Pakistani family. I know that a Pakistani Mother-in-Law is a formidable adversary; best that you should avoid unnecessary friction with her.

    @Sister Rasha,

    Again, greetings and welcome to you. Sister, I know you must be experiencing a lot of stress right now. Turn your eyes to Allah (swt), and In Shaa Allah, He will lighten your load. We’re here to help you and support you, Sister.

    @Sister Lisie,

    I like your name, Sister!

    To all I have missed, I apologize. May Allah’s (swt) Peace and Blessings be upon us all.

    Salaam to all,

  • Kim

    December 5, 2013

    LOL you girls should see me right now…I’m sitting at my desk at work, earbuds in, with the silliest grin and tapping my feet to Nancy’s boots walkin. I used to play that song on the bass guitar, and sang it at karaoke about fifty billion times LOL! LOVE IT!

    Thanks Ana, girls…I’m doing really good and Judith, as much as I’d love to meet you in person, I won’t give you cause to throttle me tongue

    Will be back when I’m at home insha Allah big grin (((HUGS)))

  • Laila

    December 5, 2013

    Dear Kim, I’ve read your post and I’ve been so upset! How can he say such a thing to you? I mean are you a trinket or something in which he can use and put away when he feels like it? I think the girls here are right. Time to walk! I am of the opinion that M is suited for N. Let them live together and thrash it out. I’m afraid that if he follows you to another state, he will still be the self-absorbed man that he is. So that defeats the whole point too. It’s a sign from Allah s.w.t. …. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities and needs. Clearly this man hasn’t made you a priority in his life right? There’s so much a woman / wife can tolerate. N is a manipulative, shallow, clown of a woman. She doesn’t want to share, she just wants her way…. It’s just her way of the highway! Ana is right, when one woman decides to call the shots, then the husband must be the leader, if that fails, then time to move. I pray your journey is smooth and that you are blessed with inner strength to clear the mess with him and the patience on the stunts that both M and N pull.

    Salam

  • Laila

    December 5, 2013

    Dear Ana and Ummof4, thank you for your compliments on the previous thread. All the progress and good that’s happening in my life is thanx to Allah s.w.t. winking He’s made me see and realize. I’ve been getting real meaningful dreams. The latest was when someone was pointing to me and said, “there’s God!” … And I was responding by saying, “where? I can’t see!”… so now I know that I need to work harder on myself and my spirituality…. I’ve always been the type to have a sharper sixth sense. I sometimes can see things and from what I’ve been told, my great-grandmother was the same. I’ve got her picture on my dresser, and when I look at her and my other grandparents I draw my inner strength. They were from India and when they came here they were so poor. But they made it. I’ve always believed in signs, and energy. In the past I’ve even had friends ask them to decipher their husband to be’s character from a photo winking I guessed right most of the time. I’m a very fierce lady when I see the unwanted. My dad knows of my ability and always warns me to not communicate with them. So yes, sharing some other parts of me that ive been keeping to myself winking

    I feel my marriage life is so predictable…. I feel so uneasy at times you know. Sometimes he takes an extra day to handle his rebellious daughter and I’m okay with it but why on earth do I feel like we aren’t like the good old days? By the way…. My old flame sent me a text message the other day. I’ve mentioned him here once. He’s not asked anything of me, just said, ‘hello and how are things?’…. I’m alone at home tonight and I looked around and realized, sometimes life can be so dull…. I’ve got pals who go out with their husbands and have a ball of a time. He’s now so concerned with early morning meetings and his silly idiotic car shows on tv. Ana and Umoof4… I’m just sharing. I keep so much in me, and today I want to talk. Is it normal to feel that marriage after a while becomes a routine? A job? ….. I’m reading the book, ‘Love at the time of cholera’ and my God it’s so romantic! Yes I know my life isn’t and can’t be from the page of an awesome romance book but hey, I’m 31 and he’s 52! Well life’s just…… Life! Nite girls! Love you all.

    Dear Spirited, keep on studying! winking if Allah s.w.t. permits, maybe we will all meet up someday. winking

  • Laila

    December 5, 2013

    Dear A.K…. Welcome! I’ve just read your post and I sincerely feel bad for you. However, I believe there’s nothing much that can be done other than the thought that you’ve got to rock the boat. Don’t expect for support from your in-laws. I’m also a second wife and I too have some on my husbands side that accept me, sincerely and like me a lot then there’s also a few that hate me and don’t take the time to get to know me and feed stories about what I wear, use and drive to my co-wife. I wonder that’s their intention…. To inform or wage further wars? …. About him buying designer clothing for this kids with her, well, in polygamy I feel…. If we keep looking at the other family and compare then things can get crazy. There are some things we will get and some we just won’t. In the part that you’re lacking, I suggest you work on it and not harp on it to him. That’s just polygamy…. I’m sure your co-wife also doesn’t really get everything. For years I’ve always compared and it’s made me so miserable. Nowadays I’ve stopped! I don’t mention my co-wife’s name or anything mean or malicious. I just focus on the both of us. About the wedding etc… I’ve experienced that. It will take time for your husband to take you and formally inform others of your existence. Mine took years too. The only one that immediately wanted to see and get to know me was my eldest sister in law. My dad and mum in law have passed on. So she’s the oldest and most important. My husbands culture is such that women are in-charge. I think you expected your mother in-law to sort of accept you. Well…. Not everything’s goes smoothly. Let me tell you that. Try talking to your husband, on a heart to heart basis. If it still fails then pray for some form of change from Allah s.w.t. I’m not saying that when problem comes at our door. Step, we should turn to Allah s.w.t. But then again I’ve experienced that when I’m really down…. I turn to Allah s.w.t. Only He can understand, and only He is my cure. Try to work on Your marriage. Try to communicate better. When I first came to this blog boy was I going through hell. But I’ve also sat down and also checked on my own behaviour, and I saw why my husband could be reacting such. Polygamy isn’t an easy path, but attaining happiness from your husband shouldn’t be an impossible task too. Please explain more and hopefully all of us here can help by exchanging information.

    Salam

  • ana

    December 5, 2013

    Dedicated to Kim

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Judith

    December 5, 2013

    Kim:
    These boots are made for walkin’.

    If I read that you’ve waivered and changed your mind and let him take you back and thus occupy your preciously short life with his cowardice and miserable lack of integrity, I will personally throttle you.
    j

  • ummof4

    December 5, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Kim, I am sorry to hear that your husband has made such a decision, but I am glad that you have been preparing yourself for such a decision. May Allah make it easy for you to do what you have to do for yourself and your chikdren.

    Rasha, no one is never enough for another person. We each have to be enough for ourselves. Yes, there is a hadeeth that say s marriage is half of faith, but there is also a hadeeth that says cleanliness is half of faith. Our husbands do not complete us, nor do we complete them. Allah sends us spouses to live together in love, peace and harmony; to be companions for each other; to have lawful sexual relations; to have lawful children. Sometimes it is a smooth ride, and sometimes it is so bumpy that we get knocked off the ride or jump off the ride.

    Please concentrate on your own marriage and making it the best that you can. This will not prevent your husband from getting another wife, but will begin to give you some relief from you pain and stress.
    No one can have sex 24 hours a day. No matter how sexy or beautiful your co-wife may be, they are not having any more sex than you, maybe less. What is important, however, is to make sure that everyone involved is tested for STD’s. That is not too much to ask because your life is at stake. Then insist that you look at the results. It’s not a joke. This is something that I always insist ion and always get. Your husband and the woman he is marrying should take this seriously as well.

    I’ll probably write more later. Got to get to work now. May Allah help us all.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    Ana,
    I would love to write a book and get all these facts out of my head on paper for woman that marry into Pakistani culture.It is such a hard culture to marry into.
    Also the quote about if someone tells u who they are believe them.I heard Oprah say that on TV one day it was such a profound statement that I never forgot it.I will never forget I was mentally confused at that time I heard her say that and it was like a huge light bulb go off in my head.From that until now I use that quote when I have to think deep about someones personality and who they are.Oh I believe Mia Angelo has also stated that same quote as well.

  • Gail

    December 5, 2013

    A.K.

    Welcome to the blog my name is Gail and I am the second wife of a Pakistani Syed Shia Muslim Man.So from what I understand your cowife is your husbands cousin.For your sake I am sorry you did not understand the culture before marrying your husband.What you have described is very normal and typical of how the second nonfamily wife gets treated by her inlaws.
    The reason why your mother inlaw is not at all accepting towards you and your children is because you and your children are outside the family meaning that your husbands first wife is his cousin and either your mother inlaws niece or your father inlaws niece and this is not good because it is a family feud just waiting to explode and your mother inlaw knows this and that is the very reason she advised u to just move on because she understands this good be one holy mess at anytime in the future.As for telling whoever the kids were the neighbor kids it just shows the length she is committed to keeping her sons second marriage hidden from family and friends it seems.As much as u want to take person don’t and I will tell u why.Before u married your husband did u meet your inlaws did they give their blessing for your marriage etc…
    Pakistani people do not marry for love but instead to strengthen family relations,I am curious did u help your husband obtain a greencard or citizenship?Normally when they bring a foreign woman and marry her it has to do with them wanting to immigrate and nothing to do with love although they will claim to the heavens she is his soul mate etc…They are smooth talkers.Actually the best I have ever seen.
    Your husband is keeping both families separate for a reason and that is because he knows that if he brings u to close to first wife she is going to start manipulating,lying,and try to force him to divorce you.So as far as your hubby protecting u in that sense I would say he is doing that but is it really in your best interest that remains to be decided by you.To keep both wives separate is for certain in his best interest no doubt otherwise family feud will begin.
    I am also curious has your husband talked to u about property distribution upon his death.Esp any property he may have in Pakistan?Your cowife would have made certain certain certain that her and her kids are very well financially secured.Again don’t take personal over your mother inlaw and her A$$ Backward Pakistani ways.Just accept it and create your own family relations with your children.I hate to say it but if his mother is not for your marriage then it is better for u to stay out of her face to be honest.

  • Lisie

    December 5, 2013

    @Rasha, I found myself here like anyone else, searching the net about polygamy. I was drawn to it and to the faith I initially explored it through, Mormon fundamentalism. I really like it here. Everyone is so friendly and welcoming, and I’ve gained a lot from the stories of the women who are regulars.

    @Ana, yes I feel the same way about bad feelings. I feel like I’ve bettered myself by conquering them, and it’s absolutely faith-promoting to do it.
    I definitely don’t think the second was hoping to replace the first. She doesn’t even live with the family yet, although she will move in a few months down the road. According to the husband and first, they’ve got a great dynamic right now. I’ve been told that her personal issues are separate from the marriage and from me.
    I do anticipate problems in adding me to the mix, if she is at all jealous. They say she’s not, but who are we kidding? We’ve all got jealousies. It’s just that the husband and first are older, and the second is only a few years older than me. So far, she’s the young one. If it works out with me, that won’t be true anymore.

    Gotta hit the hay. See y’all tomorrow happy

  • ana

    December 5, 2013

    @Kim,

    Yesterday, I emailed you the information that Lynnette wanted me to forward to you. Please check your email for it. Maybe you’re like me, and don’t check your email often.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 5, 2013

    Rasha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    If you don’t mind me asking, how long were you married before your husband married another and what was the reason he gave for divorcing her? I think I need to write a post to let Muslim women know to always expect that one day their husbands may marry another, making them polygamous even if they says they never will. No one knows the future. Knowing that men are permitted more than one wife, should let a Muslim woman know not to fall asleep thinking it will not happen.

    Rasha, what you’ve asked about takes some time to achieve – to reach the point that you feel you’re enough or it’s not your fault or to find the peace and contentment that you long for. I can basically speak to you from an Islamic perspective as it’s what has helped me, besides this forum here on the blog where we can all come together to help one another, knowing others are going through what we are and we are not alone. We aren’t lone freaks out there dealing with some weird type of lifestyle.

    The reason you may feel it’s your fault or feel not good enough is because of what you’ve heard, perhaps. Maybe your family members said you should have done this, that or the other and he wouldn’t have gone that root. Maybe he used some problems you two were having in your marriage and attributed it to why he needs another wife. Maybe you simply blame yourself for what has happened because you look at what had gone “wrong” in your marriage. I’m sure Satan has been whispering all kinds of things to you, and have you thinking a bunch of negative thoughts.

    You have to learn how to control the thoughts in your mind. Allah swt tell us in the Holy Quran how to do it. He says when when thoughts from Satan enters our minds we are to seek refuge in Him (Allah). We have to learn what thoughts are Satanic. We have to learn to recognize them and not entertain them, but squash them. You have to start reading the Quran to learn our way of life – not whether to put makeup on or what sock to put on first or which hand to use for what and such. It’s not about what type of get up we have on (we’re supposed to dress modest, cover ourselves up, however way we do it. There is no specific dress). I’m not speaking of those things. I’m speaking of BELIEF in Allah, the One and only God.

    Thoughts about your husband having sexual relations or being intimate with another wife is Satanic. You shouldn’t have them and when you do you have to squash them immediately – not entertain them. Seek Allah’s help and protection by bring Him to mind. Allah swt tell us to Remember Him because it’s the greatest thing in life without a doubt. If you’re entertaining thoughts about your husband getting it on with his other wife, you are not remembering Allah swt.

    I can tell you that you won’t have peace and contentment as long as you blame your husband for becoming polygamous and for what you are going through. As long as you continue to do it, you will continue to suffer and be agonized. You will find no peace or contentment. It’s all about belief. Do you believe Allah had written the script before we all were born and the ink is dry? Do you believe Allah knows what is best for us and He decides everything? If so, you’re on your way to being pain free, and having a beautiful life. It’s about the best I can tell you for now.

    This is an open house. No nee do knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 5, 2013

    A.K. As Salaamu Alaikum,

    What you related to us about your marriage seems typical of what’s been happening with Pakistani men. The men are controlled by their mothers. The men lie. They hide a family, but then the truth at some point is revealed. They’re pretty much users and master manipulators. Now, again, before anyone takes offense, I don’t mean every single Pakistani man on the planet rolling eyes. What you’re dealing with is a cultural thing. Our dear Gail here on the blog is a Pakistani culture expert. Girlfriend really needs to write a book. It would have the potential of being a best seller. Gail, you need to look into it, if it pleases God.

    So, what to do? You know what you’re dealing with. His mother let you know that she will only accept the first wife. Is first wife a first cousin to your husband, besides being his wife? What his mother did to you and the children by disowning them when people came to the house was deplorable. It was utterly shameful.

    The best advice I could give you is what I already said in the previous post. Maybe Gail has something she could tell you as she knows the people and culture all so well. We’re here to listen to you and help answer any questions that you may have to the best of our ability. Just talking it through with others seems to help, especially since no one here knows you and you don’t know us.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 4, 2013

    @Kim, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It sounds to me that the discussion M had with you was a good thing. It simply confirmed to you that it’s time for you to move on, if you had any doubt. Leave M behind. Make him history in your life. No man should allow a wife to control him and another wife in a polygamous marriage. When it happens, it’s time for change. The condition either stops or one of the wives have to leave. M has had ample time to get himself together. To have you hanging on while he plays house with N to see where it goes is utter nonsense. How do people come up with this stuff? No one can make it up.

    It’s alhumdulliah that you already had made up your mind that you’ve had enough of him, even though you weren’t aware she was or would be back in the picture. You said your feelings for him and about him has changed. There is no going back. I forget who here first said that when someone shows you who they are believe them. It’s so, so true. It’s one of the most profound saying that I have heard.

    Insha Allah, you’ll move forward and go begin a new life with your children in another State. It doesn’t appear that any of what was going on in the trio (you, him, and her) had anything to do with Islam, anyhow. I’ve noticed it about most of the polygamous marriages that we read about on this blog. It’s about a bunch of people calling themselves Muslims, and selecting polygamy from the Quran as an aspect they want to abide by. It so very sad, but true.

    Kim, my advice to you it pack your bags and hit the road. I initially thought you may be running away. You have a good head on your shoulders and you know what time it is. Time to get out of dodge. Look ahead and don’t look back. It’s all good!!! thumbs up Insha Allah, keep us updated on your progress. We’re here for you…

    This is an open house.No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 4, 2013

    Hey Lisie,

    Good to hear from you again. I missed you. I thought you had left us, as we haven’t heard from you in a while sad I’m so glad you’re here.

    Your view of “just” and “fair” is very much like most of ours. You summed it up well though about how one wife could want something different than the other, but when she learns of what the other wife received she becomes dissatisfied with what she has. Ummof4 had spoken about it, as well. I’ve seen it in my own situation when my husband first became polygamous. My husband’s other never liked going away on vacations. She always wanted to stay home, do things around the house, relax or go to a hotel so she and he could get their freak on, so to speak LOL. Soon, as it comes time for he and I to go away, she catches a case of what I call “the a$$”, starts bellyaching and acting out. I understand she now has been wanting vacations away. Initially, I was disturbed by it. Now, it doesn’t bother me as I know I have had more vacations than she has (since I’m married longer) and she’d need to play catch up. I don’t know how she’d do it being that I keep getting more and more of them. Alex wants me to be careful what I say on the blog because she reads it and starts wanting what I say I get. So, I have to restrict myself about the details. It’s all good. I think I’ve related enough about my life that everyone pretty much knows what I do and what Alex and I are about. It’s time for others to learn about others and not get bored to death with hearing about my monotonous life laughing

    Lisie, I’m happy you are happy. It sounds you found a good family to make your own. I thought about what you said – the second doesn’t want to meet you yet. Do you think it’s because she thought she was replacing the first and now she feels you are replacing her (the second)? Just wondering. I understand you being jealous. It’s a base emotion we have to work through and subdue. See, what I like about being in a polygamous marriage is it makes me work on negative traits and characteristic in me, and causes me to become a better person. It’s wonderful for spiritual growth. I think everyone should always be in motion when it come to change. We should always be making progress. We should always be moving forward. Of course, we will have set backs here and there. We have to just pick ourselves up and keep it moving polygamy 411

    Lisie, don’t think you’re talking to much or anything like it. It’s nice hearing how things are going for you. Don’t concern yourself about gushing on forever lol. We don’t mind. We all do it from time to time.

    I better run and get prepared for dinner with Alex. I have some catching up to do here.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 4, 2013

    @KA126

    My husband didn’t mention a polygamous desire during our nikah. It has been only a few months between the demise of the second and the suggesting of a new second. Truly makes me feel inadequate.

    Almost like I’m not good enough. That i’m not ENOUGH.

    I just want to be at peace and content.

  • Rasha

    December 4, 2013

    Ok… I need people to bear with me. I am so not use to this type of forum.

    I keep getting the feeling that many sisters on here are older. I myself am 30. I just dont know how to not feel inadequate. Do any of you have intimacy issues at times for thoughts of how your husband is with his other wife? Is this abnormal?

    My husband kept it a secret from me when he got married but of course I sensed something. For a few years I struggled day in and out. Some times I was great. My issue is how to make the commitment to be ok and maintain my peace.

    @LiLi

    I find it refreshing that you have found a voice in this room yet you aren’t muslim. What lead you to this blog group?

  • Rasha

    December 4, 2013

    @AK
    I’m so sorry that you are bring mistreated..I’m trying to understand are you the second or first?

  • A.k

    December 4, 2013

    Salam thank you for your replies on the other thread. I really appreciate your honesty and inshallah I will start praying and asking Allah swt to do the right thing.i am a muslim and my husband is a Muslims and a Pakistani. You made me laugh when you said only a Pakistani man could do this. My husband has older children with the first wife and I have never stopped him from supporting them financially or emotionally but he has always out them first before me and my kids even when they are 23 years old he feels they need designer clothes and that we don’t need more as he is giving me enough money when I have to look after 6 year old twins. He keeps both lives separate as he feels it messes with the kids heads and will upset his first wife and to please her he does not allow anyone to see us and we live far away from his family. My family are very good to me and have always been there for me even when he walked out on us several times and then lied to the first wife saying he has left me yet still coming to see me and the kids. It’s strange how a man does not read his prayers or does anything else to please Allah swt yet he feels he can have several wives yet unable to support them ( I know the other wife gets all that she needs as his family especially his mother would not allow him to treat her this way yet to me she said leave him you are young and go get married again when my children were two years old) he left to go Pakistan with her and his children with her and didn’t even tell me and I rang his mobile to get an international line and realised he was not in the country so I went to see his mum and she was to busy looking outside making sure no one spotted me coming in the house and said I should marry again and leave him as the first wife is unhappy with this and she is family and it’s embarrassing if any of our family finds out about this and when my children have come over and some asked her who they are she said they were the neighbours kids. At this point I thought I can’t speak to her again as she broke my heart and I left from there crying. On his return he confronted his mum and she denied everything and made me look like a liar and I never mentioned again. That was few years ago and since then I have remained strong but unable to speak to anyone as no one understands what I am going through. He rings me all the time and wants to know what I am doing and when I am down he says I’m over reacting. All I wanted was a normal life I didn’t do this to myself he did because of his selfish reasons yet it’s me who had to pay the ultimate price and his family are so normal with his and they do everything in secret and never tell me. It was his brothers wedding last year and he never told me I saw his pictures on his phone which he hides and never leaves unattended and he was sat with his first wife and three kids. It breaks my heart that my kids are side lined yet he thinks as long his family are ok with just him then it makes it all ok my feelings don’t count. I’m sorry to have gone on

    A.K

  • Spirited

    December 4, 2013

    Salaam & hey to everyone again~

    @Rasha, nope, I’m not bitter at all. I’m saying that when I was really hurting a few months ago, to think of him that way helped ease the pain. Essentially that IS what he did, he DID commit adultery and then covered it up with marriage. I’ve never been with another man, and he’s been with another woman — infact, he has even admitted to getting naked and almost going at it with a different woman before marrying the current non-muslim (but stopped himself), so it’s not as if I’m wrong. It just makes it easier to bare the thought that he could just easily go and get himself another if I think of him as not being the same pure man I married anymore. Might not work for you, but it helped me come to terms with the whole idea of him sleeping with his other woman and how he could do it in the first place.

    This doesn’t mean I don’t love him, and it doesn’t mean that I’m bitter about him. There’s been times that I’ve even been emotionally supporting him (when it should be the other way around laughing ). I was definitely bitter in the beginning just a few months ago, and very very angry, confused, & severely depressed as well. Then I found this blog and slowly worked through soooooo much of that. I’m not completely fine yet, not even close. I would love to get to the level that Laila, Gail & Ana are at, among others. To reach Ummof4′s level would be amazing, but I imagine that will take many years still. So does that make any sense? Like I said, it’s just my own way of coping. happy

    @Kim, I’m just speechless reading about what went down! The first thing that came to mind is that he can’t just throw you to the side like that, its specifically written in the Quran that a husband shouldn’t leave one wife to languish over another — and that sounds exactly like what he was laying out infront of you. But oh I bet he was so surprised when you pulled out good old Plan B. And then the nerve of him to backpedal immediately! Did he even really expect you to believe him? So you’re pretty much set on going your separate ways right? Wow.

    As you wrote out what he had planned in detail, I was thinking to myself “This could be EXACTLY the same way my husband’s 2nd wife tries to manipulate the situation.” Unlike your husband though, mine hasn’t been treating me poorly, and I feel that IF she did try something like that, I shouldn’t just give up on my marriage for her since there’s nothing wrong in it. So, that’s that!

    @Lili hey there! Or rather, Lisie. Good to hear from you again~ You had me laughing at your admission of being a jealous woman. Girlfriend, you do NOT seem like the jealous type at all laughing It’s good to hear that things are working well so far. Please keep us posted big grin

    About what you said in regards to the topic, it actually sounds about the same as what most other women say here, whatever religion they may be. So, you’re views aren’t really all that different (as far as I could tell!).

    Alright, snack and medicine time! See you later!

  • Lisie

    December 4, 2013

    Hi y’all. FOR THE RECORD, THIS IS LILI. I just want to keep an alias from now on in case anyone I know goes around snooping for my personal feelings, and to be honest, there are some things I’d rather just share with y’all than with the people I know.

    On this topic, I don’t have the same perspective as most of you ladies since I’m not of your faith. However, I agree that a man can’t be “fair” in the sense that he loves and gives the same to each wife. It’s simply impossible unless all wives are carbon copies of each other and married at the same time. A man will love each woman uniquely, and each woman will want different things from her marriage (keeping her co-wives in mind, of course). Sometimes it may seem unfair when it’s not.
    For example, a wife who is more romantic and mushy than another will want a fancy dinner out for her birthday. So her husband takes her out. Then the other’s birthday comes along, and she wants a simple dinner and a movie. However, when she is given what she likes, she’ll resent her husband because he didn’t give her exactly what he gave to her sister wife. She has what she wants and would’ve hated the fancy dinner, but she is seeing it as unfair anyway.
    I think that as long as your rights as a wife (which to me, include an even schedule) are being respected, then everything else is subjective. Every individual marriage will be different, just as monogamous marriages are.

    @Rasha, hi! I’m also a youngin’ around here tongue Hope you like it and that you find solace here on the site. I’ve gathered a lot of wisdom from the advice of these ladies, and I’m not even married yet!

    To update everyone on where I’ve been, I did continue on with the family I told y’all about before. I am officially being courted, although they call it “dating.” LOL How normal, right? I talk to the husband and his first wife on the phone and through texting for now. I still haven’t met the second because of her personal reasons.
    I’ve had a lot of feelings regarding this courtship that make me sure I’m going in the right direction. To get a better idea of why, I have to admit something that I’m quite embarrassed about. I am a jealous person. Yes, it’s true. In past relationships (monogamous), I couldn’t stand my boyfriends giving any attention to other women. In one case, the jealousy consumed me, and I was the cause of my boyfriend ending one of his longest friendships. It was actually because of my jealous tendencies that I felt so determined to research polygamy way back when and why I felt that it was a calling for me when I liked the idea anyway. In past courtships (polygamous), I immediately felt a sense of comfort with and respect for the first wife but didn’t like the idea of other plural wives aside from me. However, in this courtship, I feel so open to more. Then there’s how I feel for the second wife in this family. From what I’ve heard of her, she and I are exact opposites. To tell the truth, if we weren’t linked by her husband, I don’t think we’d ever be friends or anything close to it. But I like her. I have this overwhelming feeling of kindness and good will towards her. I know that if I join this family, I’ll love her through the worst just because our husband does. That is so comforting.

    Anyway, I’ll stop gushing on. I could go forever

  • Rasha

    December 4, 2013

    @Spirited

    Are you bitter towards your husband. You said that he is no longer pure in your book. How can you sleep wih him and feel that way? Or am I not hearing you correctly.
    I don’t want to be better. But at times I find myself very ANGRY. I ask myself why me? What did I do wrong to deserve this?
    It is a breath of fresh air to have all of you sisters to talk with about this.

  • Kim

    December 4, 2013

    Asalaam aleikum and hello on this snowy day (here, at least)

    Typing from work computer so gotta make it very brief if possible….

    I got to the bottom of the M stuff on Monday. After my son left for WI and I got home from work, M asked if we could talk. Sure, why not. So I left the kitchen and sat down on the couch. My youngest was getting ready for bed and not in the room. So, M dropped the bomb on me.

    He’s going back to N to try with her again; this time 100%. He requested no contact from me whatsoever. He is taking all of his stuff, leaving nothing in my house. He wants to do this for a few reasons; one being, she told him this marriage and its failure “ruined her life” and he doesn’t want that on his conscience or somesuch. Two, he wants to know if her craziness stems from polygamy or if it’s really just HER. Hence the no contact with me – he wants her to know he’s there 100%, I’m not a part of anything to do with him. Or something. One of his co-workers, a Muslim man from Sudan who is polygamous, has kind of been coaching him in this direction I think. I really like him, but I’m shocked he’d suggest that M simply cut himself off from one wife for an indeterminate time to work things out with the other. Too, apparently people from N’s community have come to M’s workplace and laid a little guilt trip on him. I have no clue how long he’s been planning this, but it’s obvious by his attitude that it’s been a little while now. It certainly explains a few things at home.

    So…I nodded and smiled and said GO FOR IT. I said this whole thing has been over 2 years’ worth of a trainwreck – I think you two are better suited and you know what, maybe, just maybe something good can come out of all of this bad. I’ll be the first to toss you a bouquet. Then I dropped my own bomb on him, that I’m going to Wisconsin as soon as it’s economically and practically doable. Meaning, no revolving door (that’s what I call it too, Ana LOL), I’m moving on. If he and N don’t work out, do not think he’s coming back to me. And can you believe it, that’s exactly what that man thought he could do!!!??? He thought I’d be waiting, after however many days/weeks/months it would take him to settle his conscience or whatever he thinks he’s doing, and we could fly off to Kashmir together and live happily ever after!!! Uh, NO. Ain’t working that way. Won’t work that way. I’m not going to be put in a box and up on a shelf to be pulled out when he needs me. He then said okay, he won’t go to N. TOO LATE! He put it out there, essentially saying “honey, I’m going to go live with and be intimate with that woman that loathes the ground you walk on. Not sure when I’ll be back – could be a few weeks or months, who knows – just leave a light on, willya?” Is he kidding? So no…that he could even suggest it reeks of total disrespect and disregard for my feelings, is NOT in accordance to how Allah commands us to conduct ourselves, and I am bowing out, making it very clear I’m so over this and over HIM.

    So that’s that. I know, it ain’t over til it’s over, but man…to even suggest such a thing after all the heartache and bs and fitnah in our polygamous history, and expect me to…what…say alhamdulillah? Well, okay, maybe I AM saying alhamdulillah, but not for the reason he’d want me to. Alhamdulillah because I will get my freedom and get away from this insanity. I truly wish them both the best and I do mean that from the bottom of my heart, but my part in this is finished.

  • Spirited

    December 4, 2013

    Salaam everyone!

    @Rasha, welcome aboard! I hope we can be of any comfort and help to you here! That’s really amazing that you were able to go through a previous polygamous setup without already having joined a support group/blog happy I’m sorry to hear that you may have to go through it again…it sure isn’t easy even once.

    You asked if this ever gets better (if one’s husband goes through many wives) Ummof4 already gave you her perspective, and I think she’s in a position to have good experience and her advice is always awesome, so I hope you can take solace in her words. I have no personal experience to advise on what you’ve asked (I’m new to polygamy) but aside from trusting in Allah and the words of the Quran, I also was able to come to a personal “truth” that helps me emotionally cope. Think about it this way — MOST men will cheat/have an affair/commit adultery while they’re married. At least with polygamy, they can do it in a halal way. So if you consider that he would have been doing this anyways, at least with Islamic polygamy he has responsibilities and guidelines to adhere to, which also protects you and your rights. This next part may be a little extreme way of thinking, but once again, this is just something that helped ME emotionally — I’m not saying its a good way to think, or that anyone recommended this, or that it’s in Islam (it’s not) — it’s just a thought my own brain worked out for me, and maybe it could help you. To me, when my husband and I were married, it was a pure, halal, arranged marriage. Now, after he’s gone off and secretly sinned his way into another marriage (there’s no illusions about that), I consider him impure/dirty and to me, he always will be. So I don’t care if he divorces his 2nd wife, keeps her, marries more — whatever. To me, he’s lost the purity that he once had, so I don’t particularly care about it happy.

    I hope we hear more from you, and please feel free to share whatever you need to — even if you just want to complain about things going on in your life! Ana once said said writing things out can be therapeutic, and it sure can be. big grin Oh and please, do not think of yourself poorly — you are not responsible for your husband’s actions, so I don’t see any reason to feel like a horrible mother/friend/daughter. Truthfully, like Ummof4 & Ana have said many times — if the only reason for leaving a husband seems to be polygamy, that’s not really a major reason to leave an otherwise happy marriage, right? Like it was suggested — try making a list of things you like about your husband/marriage vs. dislikes. Put things into perspective and take a look at it from a distance. happy

    @Ana, “boudoir” faaancy laughing. I hope your movie was fun big grin A movie I watched recently that I really enjoyed (and then watched with my husband when he came home and he really like it as well) is “Phantom.” Its a re-telling of “Hunt for Red October” but more from the Soviet perspective. Well acted and a good intriguing movie, in my opinion.

    @KA126, yay for being caught up with everyone again! I like your attitude regarding your co-wife, even though no one can quite figure out what’s going on exactly with her situation. Your thoughts are very similar to Gail’s in that way — about wanting to keep a united family. Thank you for your prayers, please keep them coming! And yes, without the gals here, this would have been such an excrutiatingly difficult challenge. I’m not through it yet obviously, but its much more manageable with my sisters here!

    Hmmm let’s see. As to the topic itself. The whole “justice” concept looks like its pretty important to everyone — I think there’s 3 topics now on varying aspects of the concept of justice in polygamy — and for good reason, it’s not a simple thing at all. Aishah and Ana (in the topic itself) spoke about the woman showing restraint and this is true that if the woman is reasonable, she can vastly improve the overall situation. I mean, by not being overly demanding or getting angry at every little perceived injustice, you can soothe your husband’s mind and possibly please Allah at the same time. BUT something else I don’t think has been mentioned yet, the husband too should be reasonable.

    By this I mean, if he does favor one wife vastly over another — to the point that he’s just gushing about the other wife all the time, talking to her on the phone infront of the other wife for hours on end, always thinking about her, etc. — at least have the decency to control himself and not display it infront of the wife he doesn’t favor as much. I think it would put each wife at ease to feel that she has her husband’s full attention/affection when he’s with her. I’ve seen some instances where the husband callous about this on the blog here sad this topic reminded me of that.

    Also something for the women who feel they’ve been in the relationship longer but feel like they aren’t loved as much as a “new” wife — keep in mind what Ummof4 said. She said, those who have been married to their husband for a long time have a deeper level of love, a deeper understanding, special memories and experiences together as well that the “new” wife will not. I think, with the new wife, it could be just “lust” and not actual “love” but the husband is too excited to be able to tell the difference laughing

    So overall, I have to agree with the analyses made by everyone who’s written in so far. Justice in your marriage depends on your own situation. What seems like being fair & just to one woman doesn’t necessarily have to seem fair & just to another, even if they’re married to the same man. My husband has often said that he feels like his 2nd wife and I are the same soul in two different bodies & he doesn’t deserve either one. If he could, he would split himself and give a half to each wife so he could be with both 100% of the time as he loves both the same. Of course he can’t do that (and I don’t think we are the same at all laughing ) but the fact remains that he says he himself feels like he’s not being “fair” but I’ve told him that he can only do what he can within the limits of being a human, and I’m not complaining (…not too much) about how things have been going so far.

    Hmmm I had something else to add but its slipped my mind sad Hopefully it comes back (or maybe someone will write something that jogs the ‘ole noggin). Nothing much going on on my end still — which is a good thing if you ask me big grin. OH, and please do add a prayer that my husband’s liver is ok. Even if he has to be on medication for the rest of his life, it would be better than liver cancer. He is supposed to be told the results on the 6th (Friday) at his appointment. Insha’Allah, he will be fine — but prayers never hurt right? happy Talk to you ladies later.

  • ana

    December 4, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Ummof4,

    Thank you for suggesting I close the other post. As you said, they are closely related.I appreciate your help; otherwise I’d be at wits end

    KA126,

    I was thinking similar to Gail. Your co is bad news, especially to use the child the way she has done. It appears she is trying to break your husband down in hopes he’ll divorce you. She definitely seems up to no good. May Allah forgive me if I’m wrong. If I were you, I’d continue to do what I could with regard the child, but would stay clear of the co. Try to help your husband through it as best you can. Insha Allah, he’ll see her for who and what she truly is. It’s not pretty.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 4, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Rasha, welcome to our family. I have been in polygyny several times in my life, and the adjustment has been easier each time. But it’s still a drag. How young are you? What was the time period between marriages and divorces? That may make all the difference in how one feels about her husband marrying other women more than once.

    Ana, I think that you may have to shut down or not allow any more comments on “What is Just and Fair in a Polygamous Marriage” It is somewhat confusing to have two threads with the same topic and similar names. Just a suggestion.

  • Gail

    December 4, 2013

    KA126,
    I wanted to tell you I been thinking about u and your situation and it seems to me your cowife is something else to be honest.I think she is on a power trip trying to mentally break your husband it seems to me.She has no intentions to ever embrace polygamy and would like nothing more than your divorce so she will have all her husbands worldly goods bestowed back upon her without having to share any of it is what it seems to me.6 months is to long for her not to have figured out what she wants by now.She is very good to get her money on time it seems but can’t take steps towards reconciling with your husband or you.It don’t sit well with me and I can imagine it would not sit well with you either or your husband.She is good though I will give her that she is playing on his emotions because of their child but I don’t know how much more time that is going to buy her before your husband gets completely fed up with her crap.

  • KA126

    December 4, 2013

    @Rasha,

    As salaamu Alaikum and welcome!! You mentioned that you were young, did your husband tell you he wanted to be polygamous before your Nikah? This is your second go round, it would definitely fill like a roller coaster. I felt that way during the divorce and reconciliation of my CoCo a few months ago. Well, what I can tell you is my venting to my Sisters on this blog helped me tremendously. The advice they give is realistic and practical. Please feel free to do the same, don’t be shy.

  • KA126

    December 4, 2013

    Okay, I think I have found my way to the present…. Lol tongue

    As salaamu Alaikum my beautiful sisters,

    I am finally on track…. Fair and just is such a big topic. As I stated before, fair and just is a perspective only. I am at the stage that if my husband is being unjust, I make myself happy. We can only depend on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. This dunya is too unpredictable for anything else.

    At this time my CoCo has been gone for six months. I am sure she feels she is feeling unjust right now. She left, my husband hasn’t divorced her again and is sending money, but as far as time…it’s almost nil. He told her if she left it would be like that. So is it fair that I am with him everyday? To me yes, since it is her doing, to her maybe not so. But I do understand her point of view. On the flip side, I believe he is just and fair because he still takes care of her financially. Many on here may disagree….but like I said it is personal perspective. surprise.

    On the other hand, I believe they are arguing right now. He has been ignoring her calls so much that her sister is texting him now to call her. I think seeing his daughter in bad condition really affected him. It affected me too. Plus, her behavior was pretty unorthodox. In sha Allah, they will get it together. We have increased our Islamic classes at the house and have started letting the children give them. I suggested it so that maybe it will help my CoCo’s situation with Habibi. In sha Allah it will work. She may think I am a terrible person, but what she doesn’t know is I am rooting for her success. My entire objective is for all of us to assist each other in deeds so in sha allah we may get to Jannah.

    Alhumdulillah! I really enjoy this “Muslimah gang” of ours. It has helped me tremendously not only in this crazy marriage of mine, but also in my deen. Ana, Ummof4, Spirited, Jenny and all of you have been wonderful. When I wake up for fajr, I say my dua and check for new updates from ya’ll. May Allah Subhana wa ta’ala bless all of you!

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    Now, Insha Allah, I think I’m going to retire to the boudoir, throw a movie in the dvd player and call it a night. Alex will be here tomorrow, God willing. My home has a revolving door laughing Good night everyone or good day, whichever it is in your part of the world.

    I will have the phone in bed with me, Insha Allah, to check for comments periodically. Till we meet again PEACE OUT!!! (as my deceased sister used to say) sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Nice post. You did that!!! happy When you write, we listen.

    I’d like to know too, how people dispute what Allah swt says worried. It’s bizarre, if you ask me. I’d say anyone who does it has doubt and we know Allah swt says he places doubt on top of doubt.

    @Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I have no reason to beat on you. I think you’re the one doing the beating. I just think you are beating a dead horse when it comes to your husband. You’ve advised him continuously, repeatedly, over and over again how you feel, what you think, and what you want. An Imam has intervened, as well. So did your father-in-law/wali. You’ve done your part. You’ve done all you can do. There is nothing left when it comes to humans to try.

    Allah wrote the script for everything dealing with you, he and she to be the way it is, at least for the time being. Your husband is going to do him. I believe he has no choice. He’s doing exactly what Allah has decreed for him. The script was written before he was born. The ink is dry. Allah swt does not give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear; we put the additional burden on ourselves.

    You have to find a way to stop sweating him. Face it; things are not going to be the way you want them to be at this time. You are not your husband’s keeper, nor his master. You have to find a way to lighten up and leave him be before he begins to dislike you entirely, and not want to come home to you. Stop wearing him down. If you truly think it’s just a honeymoon phase that he is going through with her, then let it wear off. Let it run its course. Appreciate the time that you have with him, and make the best of it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    Rasha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’re our second newbie today. Welcome to our home. Mi casa es su casa (my house is your house) happy

    So, you are very young. Yes, polygamy knows no age. What we’ve found is that many Muslim women don’t go looking for polygamy, polygamy finds us. We seem to find ourselves in it. I believe Allah places us in it, including the men. Some people are probably tested by it and some punished by it. Allah knows best.

    What you described – you are hurt and confused – most of us can relate to it. Most of us here have been through it or is still going through it. One of our writers (Lynn) who hasn’t been here in quite a while, called it the “mother of all pain.” She described it better than anyone that I know.

    I can tell you that if you remain in it and do the right thing (with regard to worshiping Allah) and fight through it (your polygamous marriage) – roll with it, the pain will eventually go completely away and you will feel good the way you did before your life got turned upside down. In fact, your life could get way, way better than it was before. Allah swt promises those who serve and worship Him that after hardship there is relief and that if we serve Him, He will dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease. He promises us so much and He delivers.

    Anyhow, should you leave your marriage or stay? Only you can figure it out. You may try to leave and find you can’t or you may be able to walk away. Allah knows best. What helped me stay was knowing I had no reason to leave my husband other than that he became polygamous. I hadn’t considered leaving him before he became polygamous. Allah swt permits men to be polygamous. Who am I to tell him that he can’t be? You have to take a good look at your marriage and weigh the good and the bad. If you were already unhappy with him (before he became polygamous) and your life was all jacked up then maybe you have some grounds to leave. It could work in the opposite for you as well. For instance, in my case, my husband becoming polygamous made our marriage better than it had ever been. We are happier together and more in tune with each other. The love simply blossomed. Only you know the pros and cons associated with your marriage. Just be mindful that you can run away from polygamy today and it could find you tomorrow in another relationship. We can’t escape our fate.

    Rasha, we are here for you, if you want to talk. Maybe you could tell us a bit about your story or ask some specific questions to break the ice and get others here to chime in. Our blog family is awesome. Again, it’s good to have you with us happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 3, 2013

    This emotional roller coaster is unbearable. I can’t seem to make the decision and stick with following it through to be happy and content with my current circumstances. It’s sad that I have allowed my husband’s choices to determine my mood. I sometimes feel like I’m a horrible mother friend daughter because of my martial relationship opinion. I am the first wife. Been through one cowife and divorce and they may be another brewing. I don’t know what to do. Please shed some light on what I should do

    Does it ever get better? Will I ever be able to feel true peace on earth again?

  • Rasha

    December 3, 2013

    As salaamu alaykium

    I’m new to the forum. I’m dealing with a situation of polygamy. I want to embrace it but I don’t think that I can. I’m contemplating leaving my marriage but I am most torn with what the best choice is for ME. I was thinking about starting a support group and stumbled upon this blog. I guess it was meant to me. SubhanAllah. It is wonderful to see that I’m not alone in my emotional state or even this lifestyle.

    I’m soooo hurt and confused. I feel betrayed. I never thought I’d be going through this at a young age. Boy was I WRONG!!

  • ummof4

    December 3, 2013

    As=salaamu Alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu and hello to all the ladies,

    This new thread is a topic I like to discuss. I will try not to repeat what I wrote on the thread “What is just and fair in a polygamous marriage.”
    Ana, you are correct, Allah (SWT) tells us in the Qur’an that a man cannot be just and fair between his wives. He can only do what he is capable of doing. Then we as women demand that the husband does everything exactly the same between his wives, but Allah has already said that he can’t. Are we disputing or doubting what our Creator has already told us? I hope not.

    Yes, Aisha bint Abu Bakr was Prophet Muhammad’s (SAWS) favorite wife while he was married to her. But Aisha was jealous of Khadijah bint Khuwaylid (SAWS), Prophet Muhammad’s first wife who died before he married other wives. It is written that Prophet Muhammad never loved another woman like he loved Khadijah.

    Love is an emotion that cannot always be controlled. Allah inclines our hearts one way or another. So a husband may have feelings for one wife that he may not have for another. For example, if a man is married to a wife for 15-20 years, the deep type of love he may feel for her is different than the type of love that he may have for a new wife. The new wife may receive a great deal of romantic love, passion and sex, but she has to wait for the deep, caring love that can only develop over time.

    A husband can be just and fair in terms of time and maintenance, but he cannot love each wife exactly the same.

    Love also can change over time because it is an emotion. What a person loves to do at age 20 may be completely different than what a person loves to do at age 50.

    Will a wife feel jealous if she believes her husband loves his other wife more than he loves her? Of course, she will. But Allah never said that we would not become jealous, we are only asked to keep our emotions under control and not let them rule us or cause us to do acts that are not pleasing to Allah.

    I understand that during a honeymoon period my husband may dote upon his new wife as they get to know each other better. But I feel special in my own way because I know that they will never have the life experiences that we have had together. We should love our husbands in the way that makes the two of us feel happy and satisfied. What he does with his other wife and how he shows his love for her should not be a major concern of ours, unless it infringes upon our rights of a wife that Allah has given us.

    May Allah make us all love HIM more than we love ourselves or our husbands.

    Next time, maybe I’ll talk about being just and fair in the areas of finances and maintenance.

  • Aishah2013

    December 3, 2013

    Its a good post again Ana.now don’t beat me up too too much Ana but I think the man has to show more restraint than to show one woman more love than another,just like a woman has to change things when their husband takes another wife – I might want to call or contact my husband anytime cause he’s my husband,but I don’t cause I will restrain myself from doing that when he is with Co….in my case I don’t necessarily she think she is more loved, maybe more something newer /till infatuation may wear off….situation here still up down….more reasons to pray for guidance..

  • Maureen

    December 3, 2013

    Assalamu Alaykum ‘n good morning, Ladies,
    Just popping in so I can get the follow-up comments.

    Many Hugs to you all,
    M

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    Okay, we’re up and running. Alhumdulliah!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    Ooops, the hyperlinks aren’t working sad . Please bear with me while I try to fix them. Thank you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 3, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    peace

    I thank each and everyone of you for joining us here on this new thread. For those who would like to continue reading on the previous thread or would like to refresh their memories about some of the discussions that we had there, the link to the thread is as follows:

    http://polygamy411.com/false-illusions-that-seem-real/

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.