Polygamy 411

To protect the true identity of the parties and to stay true to my real life experiences, the names of the characters here (at polygamy 411) are fictitious; however, my situation, circumstances, and experiences are real.

I’m Anabellah. You could call me Ana. I have been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for over two years. My husband and I were married for four years and seven months before he took another “wife.”

My husband’s name is Alex. He “married” Carolinah (Carol) while married to me. I use “married” in quotations, simply because I wasn’t at Alex and Carolinah’s wedding ceremony. I didn’t speak with anyone that attended the ceremony, nor did I see any documentation of it. I have to accept Alex’s word that it occurred. Alex, Carolinah, and I live polygamy, which is lawful to me as a Muslim, for all intent and purposes.

I ask Allah’s forgiveness for anything that I may say or have said here at polygamy 411 that would unintentionally, or in any way mislead others. My intention here at polygamy 411 is to assist others in coping with a way of life (polygamy) that is good for me and at the same time I have found it to be extremely difficult.

I’d like to share with you here at polygamy 411 my journey and answer many of your questions, as honestly and expeditiously as possible. Insha Allah, you will share some of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with me and others, as well.

I want to remember that Allah made it lawful for a man to have more than one wife in Islam. So, please keep in mind polygamy 411 is not a polygamy bashing blog. I don’t want to make unlawful that which Allah has made lawful. This has been part of my struggle, as I battle with the Truth and my personal desires.

At polygamy 411, I do not, cannot, and will not tell anyone how to practice polygamy, nor will I give advice on whether it is appropriate for you. I can only share with you what I have experienced, learned about myself, and learned from others.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I accepted Islam and became Muslim approximately 23 years ago. My introduction to Islam and polygamy began like this: I met a man at a business affair. (He owned the business.) After seeing him a few more times, I asked if he was Muslim. He said, “Yes.” (I assumed he was Muslim based on his Arabic name.) I advised him that I was interested in knowing more about his religion. I had been searching for something in my life although I didn’t know what it was. I had felt something was missing in my world. I had stopped doing the things that I normally did, as those things just weren’t doing it for me anymore. I was tired of going out, having “a good time.”  It just seemed old and I envisioned my life many years from then, visualizing where I’d be and I saw myself being in the same place, just older.

Anyhow, he got me a Quran. I read it and then Ramadan was a couple months later so I fasted-my first fast as a Muslim in Islam. I wanted to get married and I thought he’d be ideal.  Then he hit me with polygamy. He said he believed in having more than one wife. Wow, when he told me that, it knocked the wind right out my sails. I wasn’t going for that…no way, no how.  He advised me that he had an intended (He was already engaged to a woman). So I thought I’d find a way to get him to ditch her, but it didn’t happen. Nonetheless, ever since then, he, she (His  intended became his wife), and me remained the very best of friends and he and I are good business associates.

So, down the road I met Alex…my ideal man for a husband-educated, good job, enough money, liked traditional life (a little bit too much) but that was OK. He said he didn’t know much about Islam, but was willing to learn. He said he was not interested in polygamy, and couldn’t see how anyone would want more than one wife.  He said he wouldn’t take a second wife, as his job wouldn’t allow for it anyhow.  That was enough for me. So we were compatible and decided we’d marry.  That is what he and I thought we were supposed to do in Islam- meet and marry.

I knew how important it was in Islam to accept the entire Quran, the whole Book, and not pick and choose what parts I liked, and wanted to follow. Polygamy is a part of  Islam and I was strongly opposed to polygamy.  I always was very uneasy about not truly accepting the whole Quran (rejecting polygamy). Although I didn’t have to live polygamy, I wondered if it was still OK for me not to like it.  I asked myself, did polygamy really matter in my life anymore?  The unrest in my soul kept haunting me about not accepting the entire Quran. I feared how it would affect my life after this life.  And then it happened…

I got hit with the unexpected in my life-polygamy.  It was forced upon me. It didn’t happen by choice, not my choice. In practicing polygamy, I now have an opportunity to accept the whole Quran, which includes polygamy. The only difference is I need to accept polygamy with enthusiasm, accept all of Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm. That is what I aspire to do. 

So there you have it-my introduction to polygamy and Islam.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

It is important that you know this about my husband Alex, my wali (my guide), and me. I did not listen to anything my wali had to say about me marrying Alex. I ignored his warnings and advice, as I had already begun to communicate with Alex.  I had lengthy conversations with him, and had met him. I began to establish an emotional attachment to him.  I became blinded by my desire for marriage, for that special bond, for sexual intimacy. It was nice feeling alive, being happy and flirtatious.   I was filled with the joy of planning a traditional wedding reception, my “Special Day.”

I did not realize until after Alex and I were married that he did not know anything about Islam, nor did he care to know. Before we married, Alex went to Jum’ah (Friday Prayer). He occasionally wore a kufi and jalabiyyah (Muslim Garb).  He took a few classes at the masjid (mosque), as well. Although he had some family members that were Muslim, he did not know which foods were halal (lawful) or things of that nature.

Not until Alex and I were away for two weeks on our “honeymoon” did I see clearly who I had married. Alex didn’t even discuss Allah, or Islam.  Neither was mentioned, unless I spoke of Allah, unless I referenced Islam.

Early in our marriage, I began to notice subtle things. In particular, one day Alex said to me that he did not know he had to be “Saved.”  On another occasion he snapped at me, saying he was talking about work, not Islam.  Was he not aware that Islam encompasses everything?  He had many reasons not to fast some days during the Holy month of Ramadan.  I saw his reaction when a member of his family asked if he was Muslim; I saw him shaking his head, saying no behind my back.  His non-Muslim mother offered us non-Halal food and he became silent.  He did not tell her that he couldn’t eat it.  He had not practiced Islam before we married and, now, I pretty much was forcing him to.   It must not be easy feeling forced to offer salat five times a day, having restrictions on food, and having a totally new way of life. 

I knew before we married that he did not know much about Islam, but I thought he’d learn.  The problem is one must desire to know a something before one can learn.  I began to feel deceived, fooled. I was lead by him to believe he was someone that he was not.  I became full of hate, anger and bitterness towards him.  Everything that we had together was superficial. We were compatible economically, enjoyed vacationing and the like, but had no common interest in Allah SWT, no connection with Islam. 

Alex’s only strong connection with Islam was polygamy.  Out of all the single Muslim women all over the world, Alex chose a non-Muslim woman to go live with-to “marry”, a woman who has a non-Muslim teen-ager and a non-Muslim adult child living in her household.  Alex chose to live with non-Muslims.  Polygamy works for him. He used Islam to have a relationship outside our marriage?  Alex did not turn away from me.  He turned away from Islam – a way of life. The fraud was too much to perpetrate any longer.

I followed my own selfish, personal desires, and have suffered the consequences. A wali is extremely important in helping you decide who to make your husband.  We need walies that are objective and can see the whole picture, as they are not in the picture.   

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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