Polygamy 411

I have written “My Journey” and “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. To set the posts up this way, I had to change the dates of the writings. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, responses, or replies from commentators.

Being new to blogging, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. To give you a better idea of the timeline, Alex and I became polygamous in December 2006 (When Alex “married” Carolinah). I began the blog in February 2009. So, you can see I began blogging about our lives just a little over two years of becoming polygamous. I was still a complete mess (psychologically) at the time.

I hope this explanation was helpful.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on.

To protect the true identity of the parties and to stay true to my life experiences, the names of the characters here (at polygamy 411) are fictitious; however, my situation, circumstances, and experiences are real.

I’m Anabellah. You could call me Ana.  I have been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for just a little over two years.  My husband’s name is Alex.  He “married” Carolinah (Carol) while married to me.  I use “married” in quotations, simply because I wasn’t at Alex and Carolinah’s wedding ceremony.  I didn’t speak with anyone that attended the ceremony, nor did I see any documentation of it.  I have to accept Alex’s word that it occurred.  Alex, Carolinah, and I live polygamy, which is lawful to me as a Muslim, for all intent and purposes.

I ask Allah’s forgiveness for anything that I may say or have said here at polygamy 411 that would unintentionally, or in any way mislead others.  My intention here at polygamy 411 is to help others in coping with a way of life (polygamy) that is good for me and at the same time I have found it is extremely difficult.

I’d like to share with you here at polygamy 411 my journey and answer many of your questions, as honestly and quickly as possible.  Insha Allah, you will share some of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with me and others, as well.

I want to remember that Allah made it lawful for a man to have more than one wife in Islam. So, please keep in mind polygamy 411 is not a polygamy bashing blog. I don’t want to make unlawful that which Allah has made lawful. This has been part of my struggle, as I battle with the Truth and my personal desires.

At polygamy 411, I do not, cannot, and will not tell anyone how to practice polygamy, nor will I give advice on whether it is right for you. I can only share with you what I have experienced, learned about myself, and learned from others.

All praise is due to Allah.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Before Alex and I married, he said he could take care of me. I said fine and good, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, he’d have plenty of money to help his family and friends. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would think he had plenty enough money to take care of another wife.

I permanently stopped working, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  No…I didn’t stop working to put a burden on Alex, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, if Alex and my marriage did not work out.  Furthermore, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

I took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (one year after Alex married Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (living it now for a year), not only effected my mental and physical health, but my work as well…not sleeping at night, unable to focus at work, being depressed and just not caring anymore, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  I said, “OK, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  I was having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Well, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  He said, “No.”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

So, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. But, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Well, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, my wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  I said, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  He said, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

OK, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. The next morning Alex called me on his way to work, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, as he was driving. I was pretty much feeling numb at that point, from what I could remember. 

A day or so later, in a state of denial, I asked Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, and asked if I thought he’d kid about something like that. It was now the end of Nov. I asked when he might do it. He said, “In Jan. or Feb.” 

On  a later day, I asked Alex to give me more time, as it was too much, too fast. I needed more time to digest it all. He said, “No.”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. It would be better to do it quickly and get it over with, he said. 

Needless to say, I was distraught and depressed. I spoke with my wali about it. He advised me not to worry, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

And then one day, soon afterwards, I received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. or Feb.  

For many days to follow, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. or Sept. to give me time to accept the situation. He said, “No”. I began to plead many times for more time, until I realized I was begging. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, as he feared I would try to stop it.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”dog.” My oldest sister said, it was like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, without giving me a chance to chew.

So, now…what do I do? Polygamy was quickly becoming more of a reality for me.

Alex advised me, before and after he married me, that he had no interest in polygamy. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Of course, I had questions.

Alex had already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  He said, “I care about her.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “He (Alex) must have been reeeeeal sad.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex said Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; persons were staying in her home, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, on another occasion, said he needed to feel needed.

I’m getting a bit ahead of myself in the story here, but approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, he said he married her because she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience with polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. I was extremely angry at Alex for what he was about to do…polygamy?  

In the evenings when he arrived home, I ranted and I raved. I yelled at him from the top of my lungs, spurting out obscenities. I can’t repeat those words and phrases here, as they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sometimes when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, and then would rush back. I did this repeatedly. I kept physical distance from Alex, during my fits of rage, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Even in my state of fury, I was fearful, not wanting to take my actions and behavior too far. I was like a “crazy woman.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (I was totally mortified and humilitated; I’m glad they moved.)

Alex never responded to my outrage. He just continued doing what he was doing, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, for many nights, every night?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. How it was the blind leading the blind. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

At other times, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Well, it was now time for me to get to know my husband better…to re-ignite the fire or, I should probably say, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

It’s amazing that for almost five years I didn’t truly know myself, nor did I know my husband Alex. I was so self-absorbed, self-centered and outright arrogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, my wants and my needs, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

For me, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now become much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. So, I asked.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” He said, no; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much better. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, as it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (smile).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.