Polygamy 411

I was getting very agitated.  The stress of living polygamy was taking a toll on me.  I was really beginning to feel like I didn’t exist-just the way Carolinah wanted me to be-nonexistent.  I never heard anything from her.  I hadn’t spoken with her, hadn’t received a message from her…nothing.

So one day, during a weekend, I decided to go with Alex to visit his mother.  I was keeping close tabs on Alex.  After all, I didn’t want him to sneak off to Carolinah’s house.

I decided to pay Carolinah a phone visit before Alex and I left for his mom’s house.  I called Carolinah’s cell phone and left her a voice mail message.  The message went like this: “How does it feel to pretend to be a wife? I was just wondering how it feels to pretend to be married.  After all, you got married on a weekday.  I had the nice wedding reception and two weeks honeymoon.  I just wanted to know how it feels.”

Before Alex and I left our house, I called my best friend and told him what I had done.  My friend told me to tell Alex.  This way Alex could go to Carolinah’s house, and retrieve the message before anyone in Carolinah’s home received it.  My friend thought I had left the message on Carolinah’s general home answering machine.  I advised him that I left the message on Carolinah’s cell phone.  He told me that I should call her and apologize.

Carolinah must have reached Alex by cell phone while he and I were at his mother’s home, as his disposition changed.  He was silent and didn’t answer me when I spoke to him.  He didn’t speak to me all the way home.

Alex knew I had called Carolinah.  He was extremely upset with me.

When Alex and I got home, he asked me why I had made the call.  He said everything was going good in both households- and then I had to make the call.  Alex was very distressed, sitting in the chair in the dining room with his head in his hands.  He said Carolinah was asking him to come and be with her, as she was so upset.  He said he was going to have to go calm her down.  I asked Alex not to leave me.  I was nervous and on edge.  My body was trembling.  I asked him to try to calm her down by way of the phone, and not to leave me.

Alex went outside and called Carolinah on her cell phone.  He was out there for approximately forty-five minutes.  I actually went outside to see if he was still there.  I feared he had left for Carolinah’s house.

When Alex came back inside the house, he said Carolinah was terribly upset and he needed to go there.  He said, “I care about her.  I told him that I would call her and apologize.  He said, “Ask her if it’s OK for me to stay with you.  Tell her that you need me here.”  I thought…He must be crazy.  I am not going to ask that woman if my husband can stay with me.

So I called her and basically just said I was sorry.  Carolinah said, “You don’t mean it, Ana.”  Alex was in the background telling me to ask her if he could stay with me.  I hung up the phone.  Alex was angry that I hadn’t done what he had told me to do.

I had an emergency in my marriage that I am able to share with you at polygamy 411.

I called my friend again, and advised him that I had called and apologized to Carolinah.  I knew my apology was weak and insincere.  I felt extremely bad.  I knew what I had done was so very wrong and sinful.  My friend advised me to offer Salat and ask Allah SWT to forgive me. He furthermore said, “Don’t do it again.”  He told me to call Carolinah back and apologize to her with sincerity, which I did.

I called Carolinah and said I was very sorry for what I had said.  She asked if Alex had told me to call her.  I said, “No.”  Her question shocked me. I thought to myself…Alex must be teaching her at least one thing about Islam-to be obedient to her husband. 

Then Carolinah asked, “Why did you do it, Ana?”  Her tone was that of a mother speaking to a child.  I thought-what kind of crazy question is that?  Yes, granted, I had acted like a child, but still.  I wondered whether she spoke to Alex the same way and how he could stand it. 

I became defensive.  I said I did it because I did.  She then called me a hypocrite and said something like…a Muslim wouldn’t do that.  I yelled, “Muslim doesn’t mean perfect.”  I stated, a person striving to be a  Believer should ask Allah’s forgiveness and repent.  I screamed, “Don’t you tell me anything about Islam because you know nothing.”  We screamed over each other’s voices and I hung up the phone.

Alex didn’t leave me that night.  I guess Carolinah calmed down.

Alex advised me early in his marriage with Carolinah that she did not like vacationing away from home. She liked spending that time with her family. It made me very happy knowing he and she wouldn’t have many big travel plans in sight.

One day Alex advised me that he was going to be with Carolinah for several days, deviating from our three days here and three days there routine. It was OK. I thought they would just lay around her house on a vacation.

And then one day I was talking with a friend of mine from a travel agency. He knew Alex and my situation. He said Alex had made travel arrangements in Alex’s name for two.  It shocked the heck out of me.  WHAT?   The reservations were for the time that Alex said he’d be away with Carolinah. So there you go. I knew all their travel plans, without Alex even telling me. (What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal).  Did I let Alex know I knew?… Nope.

The fact that he and Carolinah were going someplace he and I had already been and they were not going to have the same high quality accommodations that he and I had, gave me consolation. (Many months later, Alex advised me that the trip that he had taken with Carolinah was related to her job.)

Alex and I had a nice evening and morning together before his departure. Before he left that morning, he was sneaking around in the kitchen, making halal sandwiches to take on the plane. I still never let him know I knew he was going away; that I new exactly where he was going and where he would stay.

***Alex and Carolinah’s vacation that I referenced above occurred in July 2007-Seven months after he “married” Carolinah***

My best friend tried to keep me focused on Allah SWT, and tried to turn my attention away from my perceived problem-polygamy.  He was a blessing from Allah SWT.  With his support, thus far I have been able to maintain my sanity and endure polygamy.  He didn’t criticize or ostracize me. 

Part of my problem was I made a relationship, having a husband, and being married, more important than Allah SWT. The result was severe pain and suffering for me.  Allah SWT doesn’t want me to love anything or anyone more than Him. 

No one should try to take possession of what belongs to Allah SWT (We shouldn’t try to own a husband or a wife).  He, Allah SWT, could take them from us as a warning, test, punishment, or whatever.

I must remember, going forward, Insha Allah, not to let myself get attached to created things the way I attached myself to my husband and my marriage.  

At polygamy 411, Insha Allah, we could help each other stay focused on the Truth.

Allah SWT is taking me through polygamy, which is the only way I am surviving it. It seemed as though the pain would never, ever go away, but it has subsided.  I’m much better.  I am most definitely better.  Alhumdiallah!

Anticipating Alex going on vacation with Carolinah was much more difficult for me than him actually going.  I kept thinking about Alex and my previous vacations.  I began envisioning Carolinah taking my place.  I knew it was not going to be very easy for Alex vacationing without me, either.

I had become a bit prepared by finding out in advance about Alex and Carolinah’s vacation plans without Alex even knowing.  Going to work made it easier for me as well, and helped keep my mind off their plans.  The thought that Alex and I were scheduled to go on my dream vacation just a few weeks following his return from vacationing with Carolinah made it easier for me, as well. 

Alex and I had been on so many exotic vacations and trips together over the five years that we had been married only to each other, no third wheel.  We had our vacation routine down packed-what time we got up,  got to the fitness center, had room service,  went on excursions, napped,  dined and the list goes on.  But, now, he was going on vacation with someone else.  There was bound to be variations in Alex’s routine…Carolinah is a different person, different than me. 

The images of the two of them together jumped on me periodically.  Envisioning them sitting together on the plane, lying together in bed in the hotel room… It’s a whole different picture when you see people in your imagination, seeing Alex and Carolinah in a state of leisure opposed to them being together at home at night, after work.

I resisted Satan’s whispers to call Alex at their hotel room to let him know I knew exactly where he was-to let him know he hadn’t concealed anything from me.  I thank Allah for protecting Alex, Carolinah, and me, as I knew it would have been a terrible thing for me to do, contacting them at the hotel room.

Alex and Carolinah were away on their vacation (It’s now July 2007-seven months after their marriage). I thought Alex would have called me while he was away with her.  Although, I had told him not to call when he was with Carolinah.  I thought about him much and began missing him. I became angrier each day that he didn’t call me.

One day towards the end of their vacation, during the day, I called Alex and left a nasty voice mail message, referencing him not calling me. Alex immediately called me back.  He was very apologetic for not having called.  He said he was just honoring my wishes by not calling me, as I had asked.  There was sadness in Alex’s voice.  He sounded melancholy.  I felt like his heart touched mine.  He said he would have called me, but I had told him not to call when he was with Carolinah.  I still didn’t let him know that I knew his whereabouts.

When Alex came home to me, he told me how much he had missed me. He said it for many days to follow.  He said he would have called me every day and a couple times a day, if he had known I wouldn’t have mind.  I knew he was truly sincere. 

That was a mighty big change for the two of us, not vacationing with each other.  I missed him and he missed me.

I asked one of my friends (Abdul) about his knowledge of men that practiced polygamy and what it was like.

Abdul said the men that he knew that engaged in polygamy were tired all the time, and were tired of giving away all their monies.  I mentioned that to Alex.  He said he was “mentally” tired from living polygamy, but not physically tired.  

Would Alex actually admit to a certain type of physical fatigue? I don’t think that would be very macho.

Perhaps, here at polygamy 411, we’ll hear from some of the men that practice polygamy. What’s it like for the husbands?

I’m hopeful polygamy 411 will be an encouragement for us all to examine ourselves.  I was living polygamy in agony. I agonized myself. 

Although I know Allah SWT knows, sees and controls all things, I thought I’d keep watch over Alex. When he was home with me, I was almost like his shadow.  If he weren’t in the room with me, my ears tuned in, trying to hear. When he picked up the phone, I wondered who he was calling.  If he was speaking on the phone, I wondered whether he was speaking with Carolinah.  When the phone rang, I wondered if it was her. 

Alex, pretty much, didn’t leave our home without me on my days, other than to go to work.  I went with him to the store, to his mother’s home, everywhere he went, accept work.  I thought if he left to go to his mother’s, or anyplace without me, he just might end up at Carolinah’s home.  My mind was tormented. 

I remember the first Saturday that was my day (after Alex married Carolinah and after all the holidays had passed); Alex came home early in the morning from being with Carolinah.  I was happy he had arrived so soon. 

The next Saturday or Sunday, whichever, that he was supposed to come home to me, he didn’t arrive in the morning. I watched the clock, and the hours pass. Morning came and left without me hearing a word from Alex. 

The early afternoon arrived.  I called Alex’s cell phone, and went directly into voicemail. I called in the early afternoon, all afternoon.  I was furious. My voicemail messages to Alex, needless to say, were mean, hateful and nasty.

Eventually, Alex came home. It was like around five o’clock p.m.  I had no conversation with him for several hours.  He was angry with me, as I wouldn’t talk to him.  What I took myself through felt like it was going to drive me crazy.

Every now and again, Alex tells me that he has no one to talk to (about his life-living polygamy.)  His mother says she won’t discuss it with him.  As polygamy is illegal in the USA, Alex’s best bet is to keep his mouth shut when it comes to speaking about it to non-Muslims. 

Alex wants to discuss polygamy with me.  He wants to discuss him, Carolinah, and me-our lives together.  I’m not hearing it!  I refuse to let him talk about her to me.  I have enough going on trying to maintain my sanity through all this without Alex burdening me with talk about him, her and me. I told him not to mention her to me.

I get curious about Alex and Carolinah quite often; however, I’ve learned to restrain myself when it comes to talking about the two of them.

I wonder how Alex maintains his sanity.