Polygamy 411

Just the other day, a sister left a comment for me that was very profound…heavy enough to warrant a post of its own.  She made a statement that gave rise to a question- a question many of you have probably wanted to ask me, or asked yourselves. 

The sister commented: “I can’t say i understand your need to stay married to this man. Yes islamically what he did was acceptable but that does not mean you have to agree with it or live with it.”

I sometimes lose focus and ask myself why I stay with Alex.  And then I remember why things are the way they are:

Allah has commanded mankind to patiently persevere and wait on His decision. If Allah has decreed Alex and my divorce or separation, He has not made it known to me yet.

Allah has commanded mankind to exercise patience in all our affairs (marriage, business, job, etc). I must seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah is the best to decide and we are commanded to accept His decisions with enthusiasm. Accepting Allah’s decision with enthusiasm has been my struggle and continues to be. 

It’s nice to be able to remind each other.  I thank Allah SWT that He allowed the sister to remind me.

Carolinah and Alex returned from their vacation.  He stayed a few more days with her and then returned to me.  A few weeks later Alex and I were off on our vacation.  It was the best location that we’d been to and the best vacation that we’d had other than Hajj (Hajj was a different world-can’t classify as vacation, but a religious obligation).

You would think that I would be happy when I got home.  Nope.  Be mindful…when you’ve enjoyed something and someone so much, you don’t want it to end. It was just Alex and me for almost two weeks, living a life of relaxation, comfort, stress free, worldly bliss together, tuning out everything we’d left behind, work, family, Carolinah (as much as possible) etc.  Now I had to get back to the routine, Alex’s three days with Carolinah and then three days with me.

Since Carolinah and I had just recently gone on vacations with Alex that emotional bond that we each had for him became stronger.  I didn’t want to deal with that sharing him stuff any longer.

I never really had any expectations of polygamy for me, other than knowing it would be a living nightmare. That is how it started out for me, as you’ve come to realize from hearing about my journey thus far.

Alex, being a man, had different expectations.  He said he thought polygamy would work between him, Carolinah, and me, as she and I were very “nice” people.  He commented often to me about how “nice” the two of us were.

Alex said he thought that since I read Quran, studied, prayed, and tried to practice Islam, the three of us could learn Islam together and be a “family.” Now that is where the confusion for me entered.  Alex and I didn’t pray together, read Quran (except a few times) together in all the years we’ve been married.  So what made him think things would change now that he married Carolinah?   So suddenly we were supposed to do all these things together, as a “family.” OoooKay…

Once Alex said to me, “Sometimes you want something, and once you get it; you don’t want it anymore.”  That statement led me to believe things weren’t as Alex had expected them to be.   Alex also complained that he didn’t have any time for himself, but Carolinah and I did. 

I try not to expect anything to look like what I thought it was going to look like. I guess here at polygamy 411, you are getting a clear picture of what polygamy is actually like for me.

(Alex and I went on vacation in August 2007-Eight months after he “married” Carolinah)

My desire to be with Alex, and not have him be with Carolinah, intensified after Alex and I came back from vacation. I was in a state of emotional distress. So, days after returning from vacation, I contacted Alex on his cell phone.  He was with Carolinah and it was a weekend, early afternoon. I asked him to please come over as I needed to see him, if only for a minute.  Somehow I was convincing enough for him to say yes.

When he arrived, I got a surprise… Alex was totally stressed out and that was an understatement.  He yelled, “I know what you’re doing.”  Essentially, he accused me of manipulating the situation by contacting him on Carolinah’s days and having him focus on me.  Was I really doing that?-probably-well certainly.  But, I was truly in distress when I called him.  Believe me.  Anyhow, he continued to yell, “I want to spend some time with her too.”

He paced about the room in a state of panic.  He screamed, “You don’t know what she went through while we were gone” (while Alex and I were on vacation).  He screamed, “You’re so selfish.” (I learned months later that, while we were away, Carolinah had passed out at work, was rushed to the hospital, and was told that they were going to have to feed her intravenously, if she didn’t start eating.)  That’s just some of what I learned.

I was frightened by Alex’s rage. He was yelling, ranting and raving. He yelled, “The two of you won’t even talk to each other.  You won’t even figure out a schedule.”  He said it would help if she and I made the schedule.  I immediately thought; it is just not going to happen, regardless of what he was going through.  Me speaking with Carolinah to make a schedule wasn’t an option.  I sat down on the sofa and cried hysterically, as I couldn’t calm Alex down. 

Suddenly Alex gain his composure.  He sat down on the sofa and hugged me tightly.  He apologized for ”scaring” me.  He said Carolinah had asked why he and I had to go away so long.  Carolinah said, “She’s (Ana’s) not trying to make it easy for me.”  

That’s all I had to hear to take the conversation to a whole other level-make it easy for her.  Who the heck is she!  Why am I supposed to make anything easy for her?  Now, I’m supposed to shorten my vacations because she can’t handle me being away with my husband for “so long.”

Alex said he explained to Carolinah that I hadn’t scheduled an extra long vacation; it was the length of time our vacations had always been.  He assured me that he wasn’t going to shorten our vacations to appease her.  Time would tell.

Selfish, huh…she latched onto my husband.  Now she wants me to treat her like some princess.  So I’m supposed to give up my enjoyment and comfort to make her life with my husband easier.  She’s NOT special.  She needs to get over herself.

By now, I’m sure you are beginning to realize just how extremely painful, in the beginning, polygamy was for me.  A wife has to experience polygamy herself to truly know what it is like. Just imagining and discussing polygamy causes intense emotional reactions in sisters; one could visualize what living it could actually do.

The most important thing that I did, and continue to try my best to do, was turn my attention to Allah SWT.  At times, while living polygamy, remembering Allah SWT was very difficult for me. In no doubt, from hearing about my journey here at polygamy 411, you already gathered that I had lost remembrance of Allah SWT many times. I could not have remembered Allah and have been able to say some of the hurtful things that I said to Alex and Carolinah.  I would not have been able to do some of the mean things that I did to them. I’m trying to hold on and I’m trying to be strong by remembering Allah SWT as much as I can.

I’d get down on my prayer rug and I’d beg and I’d cry. I begged and cried to Allah SWT, asking Him to help and guide me.  I asked Him to forgive me for all the wrong I had done in the past, was doing in the present, and would do in the future.  I asked Allah SWT to remove the pain and make things better for me and He did.  I repented, begged, and plead to Allah. Furthermore, I continued to read the Quran daily, during the very early morning hours (Fajr time), as well. 

Allah SWT answered my prayers.  Things got much, much better.  As you can see,  I am now writing about my experience with polygamy-my life- when at one time, I couldn’t talk about it without tears.

Living polygamy is something I don’t flaunt.  It is very humiliating for me.  One might ask how I could be ashamed of something the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did.

As most people very well know, polygamy in any shape, form or fashion is “illegal” in America.  Debating it could be an entire blog in itself.  The only time I concern myself with the illegality of polygamy is when I concern myself about my Marriage License. Polygamy is, needless to say, extremely beneficial to me in negotiating a divorce settlement.

 Many times, when I was angry with Alex, I reminded him that polygamy was illegal in America.  I try not to let talking about polygamy, nor living polygamy invoke any fear in my heart.  I try very hard to fear Allah and Allah alone.

Of course I don’t go around talking about Alex and his other wife to strangers.  Only my non-Muslim immediate family, Alex’s non-Muslim immediate family, my best friend and his family, whom I’ve spoken of before-of course knows.  My Muslim friend Abdul knows. 

Abdul is cool to talk with on the phone.  He’s from another country.  His advice and his perspective on polygamy, as he has seen it lived in his country gives me solace.  (Let’s not go there about whether I should communicate with Abdul. Perhaps the permissability of male/female co-conversing could be a whole entire blog by itself, as well.)

Oh, I forgot to tell you.  A non-Muslim co-worker knew as well.  When I told her, she said she would divorce Alex if she were me.  Another time she asked me if I really needed a man. I said, “Yes”. I think she wanted to add-that badly.  Did I really need a man that badly; she wanted to ask.  Anyhow, does it really matter what she thought?  I just needed to talk.

It seems  as though just as many Muslims as non-Muslims reject polygamy.  That alone is enough for me to feel the shame….the embarrassment. 

The shame and embarassment that living polygamy can cause is evidence that there is a need for polygamy 411.

I didn’t feel special anymore.  I knew when I received flowers from Alex, Carolinah received them too.  How special is that? 

You see…Alex is a very stringent, organized, and structured person. That is how I see him. I explained to Alex that he did not have to give Carolinah and me the exact same material things, as we are different people from different backgrounds, with different tastes, different likes and dislikes.  Nonetheless, Alex wasn’t hearing me.  I found out so much about Alex and Carolinah just by what he began to do for me and buy for me.

Alex asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. It was the way he asked that caught my attention. I thought, Oh well, I guess he took Carolinah to the movies.  He said he was thinking about getting yoga lessons for me. Why? I do my workouts at home. I enjoy and prefer it that way. I never asked him for any lessons.  But, oh, OK, I see. Carolinah might be getting a bit chunky and needed or wanted to go to the gym.  Alex asked me to go jogging with him.  I assumed he’s been jogging with Carolinah, or would begin.  When Alex and I started dieting and documenting our weight, I assumed he and Carolinah were doing the same.  And they were.

What’s happened over there with Carolinah, Alex pretty much tried to make it happen over here with me.  Am I special?

I try to do the opposite of whatever Alex presents to me, now, without discussion. I try to maintain my own individuality.  No, I’m not going to jog with Alex; first of all, it’s just not something I like to do. No, I’m not going to do a diet with him and her. No, No, No… I am living polygamy, but it’s not HBO’s “Big Love”.

I think what happens a lot in polygamous marriages is a new wife pops up on the scene, joining the marriage, thinking she is special. I’m pretty sure that is what happened with Carolinah. 

Alex had already been over there with Carolinah, getting “comfort.” I’m certain he told her a whole lot of stories about his…woe is me. He told her how unhappy he was in our marriage.  So, why wouldn’t she think she was going to get the royal treatment and I’d take the backseat once they married?

Could Carolinah’s imagination (Satan) have lead her to believe that Alex would divorce me after he got over there with her, and began enjoying life with her so much? Or did she think I’d divorce Alex, as I wouldn’t be able to accept my new lifestyle, nor endure the pain and suffering I felt? 

Either way…It didn’t happen.  Alex and I did not divorce. Allah knows best whether divorce will ever happen between Alex and me.

I had mentioned to Alex that Carolinah knew what she was getting into before she became a part of polygamy.  He said, “She thought she knew.”

Whatever Carolinah wanted, I got whether I wanted it or not.  Alex never even asked me what I wanted.  What I got was based on Carolinah’s wants, needs and likes.  I got very tired of getting what Carolinah wanted and I got very tired of telling Alex that I was tired of it.

I never asked Alex for monies before he married Carolinah, not until we began living polygamy.  I just bought whatever Allah allowed me, prior to then.  Alex became somewhat generous once he married Carolinah.  I saw a few things that I liked in a catalog and Alex said go ahead, order them.  He gave me his credit card. 

One day Alex said he was going to buy me a new coat.  He said he had not seen me in a long coat.  The red flag immediately went up.  I guess Carolinah was in need of a coat.  I told Alex I didn’t need a coat.  I supposed he never noticed I already had at least five coats in the closet, two of which were long.  That …… me off.  It angered me so much that I went out the next day and bought myself a new coat.  

One time, I asked Alex to forgive a loan that I had made with him before he and Carolinah married. I had to plead with him and justify my reason not to pay.  Another time something emergent came up and I asked Alex for some money.  He said OK…just like that…the money was in my account it seemed like the next day.  The same exact amount of money showed up immediately in Carolinah’s account, as well.  I guess since Carolinah was in need of money too, I didn’t have to beg this time.

I felt like such a fool whenever I’d tell my best friend and his wife how upset I was about what I received from Alex.  They always brought the remembrance of Allah SWT to my attention. By living polygamy, I’m learning valuable lessons-polygamy 411. I should try to be special only to Allah SWT.  Every time I got angry or upset about what I received from Alex, I actually was ungrateful to Allah SWT. Everything comes from Allah SWT, not from Alex.