I have written “My Journey” and “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. To set the posts up this way, I had to change the dates of the writings. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, responses, or replies from commentators.

Being new to blogging, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. To give you a better idea of the timeline, Alex and I became polygamous in December 2006 (When Alex “married” Carolinah). I began the blog in February 2009. So, you can see I began blogging about our lives just a little over two years of becoming polygamous. I was still a complete mess (psychologically) at the time.

I hope this explanation was helpful.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on.

I’m Anabellah. You could call me Ana.  I have been in a polygamous marriage, referred to by many as polygyny, for just a little over two years.  My husband’s name is Alex.  He “married” Carolinah (Carol) while married to me.  I use “married” in quotations, simply because I wasn’t at Alex and Carolinah’s wedding ceremony.  I didn’t speak with anyone that attended the ceremony, nor did I see any documentation of it.  I have to accept Alex’s word that it occurred.  Alex, Carolinah, and I live polygamy, which is lawful to me as a Muslim, for all intent and purposes.

I ask Allah’s forgiveness for anything that I may say or have said here at polygamy 411 that would unintentionally, or in any way mislead others.  My intention here at polygamy 411 is to help others in coping with a way of life (polygamy) that is good for me and at the same time I have found it is extremely difficult.

I’d like to share with you here at polygamy 411 my journey and answer many of your questions, as honestly and quickly as possible.  Insha Allah, you will share some of your feelings, thoughts, and experiences with me and others, as well.

I want to remember that Allah made it lawful for a man to have more than one wife in Islam. So, please keep in mind polygamy 411 is not a polygamy bashing blog. I don’t want to make unlawful that which Allah has made lawful. This has been part of my struggle, as I battle with the Truth and my personal desires.

At polygamy 411, I do not, cannot, and will not tell anyone how to practice polygamy, nor will I give advice on whether it is right for you. I can only share with you what I have experienced, learned about myself, and learned from others.

All praise is due to Allah.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Before Alex and I married, he said he could take care of me. I said fine and good, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, he’d have plenty of money to help his family and friends. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would think he had plenty enough money to take care of another wife.

I permanently stopped working, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  No…I didn’t stop working to put a burden on Alex, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, if Alex and my marriage did not work out.  Furthermore, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

I took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (one year after Alex married Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (living it now for a year), not only effected my mental and physical health, but my work as well…not sleeping at night, unable to focus at work, being depressed and just not caring anymore, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  I said, “OK, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  I was having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Well, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  He said, “No.”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

So, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. But, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Well, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, my wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  I said, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  He said, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

OK, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. The next morning Alex called me on his way to work, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, as he was driving. I was pretty much feeling numb at that point, from what I could remember. 

A day or so later, in a state of denial, I asked Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, and asked if I thought he’d kid about something like that. It was now the end of Nov. I asked when he might do it. He said, “In Jan. or Feb.” 

On  a later day, I asked Alex to give me more time, as it was too much, too fast. I needed more time to digest it all. He said, “No.”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. It would be better to do it quickly and get it over with, he said. 

Needless to say, I was distraught and depressed. I spoke with my wali about it. He advised me not to worry, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

And then one day, soon afterwards, I received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. or Feb.  

For many days to follow, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. or Sept. to give me time to accept the situation. He said, “No”. I began to plead many times for more time, until I realized I was begging. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, as he feared I would try to stop it.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”dog.” My oldest sister said, it was like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, without giving me a chance to chew.

So, now…what do I do? Polygamy was quickly becoming more of a reality for me.

Alex advised me, before and after he married me, that he had no interest in polygamy. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Of course, I had questions.

Alex had already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  He said, “I care about her.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “He (Alex) must have been reeeeeal sad.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex said Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; persons were staying in her home, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, on another occasion, said he needed to feel needed.

I’m getting a bit ahead of myself in the story here, but approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, he said he married her because she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience with polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. I was extremely angry at Alex for what he was about to do…polygamy?  

In the evenings when he arrived home, I ranted and I raved. I yelled at him from the top of my lungs, spurting out obscenities. I can’t repeat those words and phrases here, as they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sometimes when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, and then would rush back. I did this repeatedly. I kept physical distance from Alex, during my fits of rage, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Even in my state of fury, I was fearful, not wanting to take my actions and behavior too far. I was like a “crazy woman.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (I was totally mortified and humilitated; I’m glad they moved.)

Alex never responded to my outrage. He just continued doing what he was doing, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, for many nights, every night?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. How it was the blind leading the blind. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

At other times, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Well, it was now time for me to get to know my husband better…to re-ignite the fire or, I should probably say, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

It’s amazing that for almost five years I didn’t truly know myself, nor did I know my husband Alex. I was so self-absorbed, self-centered and outright arrogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, my wants and my needs, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

For me, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now become much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. So, I asked.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” He said, no; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much better. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, as it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (smile).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.

During the course of asking questions, I asked Alex what dowry he was going to give Carolinah.  He said she wanted the same thing that I received.  I immediately remembered he had just recently asked me for a copy of our Islamic marriage contract.  I thought he just wanted to check it before he married another woman.  The contract was invalid anyhow, as he had refused to sign it nearly five years ago on the advice of his stepdaughter Naimah. Nonetheless, I gave it to him.  Did he show Carolina our contract?

I asked Alex if he had shown Carolinah his and my contract (My dowry was noted in the document).  He said, “Yes”.  I was extremely hurt and more upset than angry.  I asked him how he could share our contract with her without asking my permission.  I said that contract was personal between him and me.  He said he gave it to her to use as an example.  He said the contract was exemplary and should be a sample format for Muslims.  I didn’t care anything about that.  I felt totally violated and exposed.  How could he give my personal information to her?  He didn’t show me their contract.  I don’t even have proof they married.

I reminded him that he never signed our contract.  He said, “I’ll sign it now.”  I said, “No”.  In that contract I indicated Islamic law would supersede anything within our Marriage License.   The contract was now to his benefit, as the contract allowed for polygamy and the Marriage License doesn’t.  So now he wanted to sign… too late… Everything happens for a reason!

Before I decided to marry Alex, he said his stepdaughter Naimah had tried to get him to marry her friend. Her friend had five kids. He said he didn’t really want to marry a woman who had children, as he had just raised his ex-wife’s children. So, I thought that’s all well and good; let’s move on.  So, Alex and I got married.

About four years into our marriage, Alex began mentioning Naimah’s friend to me again. Naimah’s friend was now in a polygamous marriage, and was miserable. She lived in a downstairs apartment from her husband’s other wife. She was getting a divorce and Naimah wanted Alex to marry her friend. I said something like, “Yeah, that’s nice.  Why don’t you do it?” (…Joke! I said it, but I wasn’t serious).  He said he didn’t want to (my thought, OK, well, next…let’s move on).

Approximately six months later (several weeks before I found out Alex was going to marry Carolinah), Alex’s mother had invited us to her home. I expected Alex’s stepson Jamal would be there and some of Alex’s family, as well. I advised Alex that I wasn’t going. Then, I got this strange, unusual, weird feeling; something told me to go; I had to go. I called Alex and told him I’d be there. I called my mom and asked her to please go with me. By this time, I knew Alex had communicated with Carolinah.  Alex called me after a few hours of being at his mother’s home, and asked what time I’d be there.

Guess who was there when I arrived…no, not Carolinah. It was Naimah, dressed all in black, the veil, the gloves…with her children. Naimah had never come around Alex and me in the almost five years that we were married. She always stuck close to her circle of friends. Naimah, Jamal, and Alex were in the kitchen when my mom and I arrived. They, shortly afterwards, joined us in the living room. There was a strong feeling of tension in the air. Jamal just stared at me, looking very confused. He shook his head and said, “If this is what it’s about, I don’t want it.”  He then left the house.  Subsequently, someone said something during a conversation and Naimah’s little boy exclaimed, “My father marries eveeeerybody!”  Naimah Yelled, “I’m the only wife your father has.” Apparently polygamy for her was offensive.

Just several days later, Alex advised me that he was going to marry Carolinah.  Apparently, until I decided to go to his mother’s home, he expected Carolinah would join him at his mother’s home that evening  guised as Naimah’s friend, so his mother wouldn’t know.

After Alex told me he was going to marry Carolinah, I telephoned Naimah. In tears, barely able to speak, I said, “Alex is going to marry Carolinah.  I’m going to get a divorce.”  Naimah’s only response was, “Don’t you want to be patient?”  I then called one of Alex’s non-Muslim relatives.  I felt the compassion in her voice as she softly asked, “Are you OK…?”

What happened to wanting for your brother what you want for yourself?  Naimah didn’t accept polygamy for herself, but felt it was OK for me.  Naimah was in a polygamous marriage before for a few months and divorced. She divorced after her husband and his other wife left her at home all the time to care for all the kids, and made her the “maid.”  The same thing happened to another sister that I was familiar with. She had become a babysitter and “maid” and she divorced, as well.

Naimah had been in  a polygamous marriage before she had tried to encourage Alex to marry her friend with the five kids.  Whether Naimah’s second marriage was polygamous or not, I don’t know (her child lead us to believe his dad was polygamous).  Naimah is on her third marriage; it’s monogamous.

Apparently Naimah didn’t want polygamy for herself. What happened to wanting for your brother/sister what you want for yourself?

The day Alex married Carolinah was surprisingly uneventful for me. Allah SWT gave me ease. Alex, I’m assuming, went to work. He married Carolinah that evening. I went to work. I went shopping with a friend after work, and then went home and actually went to sleep.  No boo hooing….just peaceful sleep.

But the next day… two and three, weren’t without incident.  I let my mom and a few people know Alex had just married another woman.  Alex had said he was going to tell his mother about it weeks ago. I soon found out he hadn’t. Someone whom I had told called Alex’s mother, and gave her the 411.

Alex telephoned me at home.  He was terribly angry and upset.  I could hear it in his voice.  He said if I wanted to hurt him, I had really done it this time by telling his mother that he had married Carolinah (polygamy).  He said his mother was extremely hurt and upset and, as a result, had manifested physical symptoms.  I advised him that I didn’t tell his mother and that he had said he was going to tell her anyhow.  He screamed at me saying, “No one had to know!”  I insisted I didn’t do it.  He eventually calmed down and apologized for yelling at me.

The next evening I was totally emotional, crying and distraught, sitting all alone. I impulsively picked up the telephone and speed dialed Alex – So I thought.  A woman answered.  I yelled, “I want to talk to my husband!”  The voice asked, “Well, what makes you think he’d be here?”  I then realized it was Hafsa, Alex’s ex-wife.  I apologized to Hafsa profusely.

Hafsa immediately called Alex on his cell phone after speaking with me (Alex informed me of this days later).  Hafsa asked where he was.  She said his wife (meaning me)  had just called her looking for him.  He advised her that he was with Carolinah; he had just married her. Hafsa was beside herself upon learning Alex had married Carolinah and that they were together, experiencing their four-day, special stay.  She lit into him about how his marriage to Carolinah confirmed he had “cheated” on her with Carolinah while married to her (Hafsa).  (Alex and Hafsa had a civil State Marriage License.)   Alex always insisted, when speaking to me about it, that he didn’t have a relationship with Carolinah until he and Hafsa were “seperated” and he knew the marriage was over.

Another time I spoke on the phone with Hafsa about Alex’s marriage to Carolinah.  She said to me, “Have you seen her!”  I wasn’t going to have that conversation with Hafsa about how very un-aesthetically, unappealing Carolinah was. (Although, I had seen her photograph.)  Hafsa asked me if I was going to divorce Alex.  I said I didn’t know.  I guess she didn’t like that answer.  The next time I saw Alex, with much joy, he said he had spoken with Hafsa again and she said, “Tell your wife not to call me anymore.”

You need to know Hafsa always disliked me. I tried to befriend her before Alex and I married. When I first spoke with her on the telephone, when she finished telling me what she was going to do to me, I feared for my life.  Alex spoke with Hafsa often on the phone. I always sent “As Salaamu Alaikum” to her, but she never returned it.  She always remained silent.  Alex and her son suggested to Hafsa that she remarry Alex (Polygamy) and she told them both not to ever mention it to her again.

It was New Years Eve. Although we as Muslims don’t celebrate the holiday, a feeling of festivity was in the air.  Alex was with me that evening and it was nice.  When your marriage involves polygamy, it’s difficult for the thought of it to escape you.  It wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyhow, I decided to call Carolinah.

I took Alex’s cell phone into the bedroom, and made the call.  She didn’t answer.  That was even better, as it allowed me time to rehearse the message that I’d leave.  The message went something like this: ” Hi Carolinah, This is Ana – your co-wife (I dislike that word.)”  I said, “I just thought I’d call and introduce myself.  After all, we are sharing the same man.  I don’t mind now.  I had him all to myself for five years.  I do have the marriage license and all, all his work benefits, insurance and everything. I had the nice wedding reception and honeymoon and all of that.  Yeah, I don’t mind sharing.  Call me anytime.  My phone number at work is… and at home is…..”

You don’t know how nerve whacking for me pulling that off was with Alex in the next room… locating her phone number on his phone, recording the message, listening to, re-recording, and leaving it. I was shaking and everything. I was trying to keep my voice from quivering, as I recorded the message.  I definitely wanted to sound calm and convincing about it.

The next morning, early, Carolinah called Alex on his cell phone.  He took the phone into the other room to talk with her.  He seemed OK at the end of the conversation. It was New Years Day, now.  We spent the entire day together almost into the evening.  Alex had left me for a moment and I saw him on his phone.  He walked slowly back to our car with a sad, puppy dog look on his face.  He still was very nice and pleasant to me when he drove me home, came inside, and said goodbye.

I knew Carolinah had steamed all day and was on a boil when Alex spoke with her before he dropped me off. I could only imagine the explosion once he got there.

The next time Alex came home, referring to Carolinah, he said “Try to be civil. There’s no need to pour salt on her wound.”  He said, “she’s already hurt enough about it as it is. ”  Well, we all know there are a few people who are hurting in this relationship (polygamy) right about now.

As you very well now know, my husband Alex married Carolinah, based on what he told me.  One day soon afterwards, he said to me, “I want you to meet Carolinah; I think it’s important that the two of you meet each other.”  “Oh-so now it’s Okay”, I said. There’s no chance of me “sabotaging” the marriage at this point.  Before the marriage, he refused to allow me to meet her.

So what was Alex’s motive for wanting us to meet at this time, I thought.  Alex always tries to find a benefit for himself in everything that he does.  Did he consider what would happen if he was with Carolinah and had an emergency?  Who would let her know if  he was in the hospital or passed away while he was with me?   The way I now feel, if he should pass away tomorrow, only Allah SWT knows when she’d find out.  I don’t know that woman. Perhaps that is another reason a husband’s wives in polygamy should know one another. I advised him that I don’t want to meet her and I won’t. 

But, it didn’t stop there…no.  He began asking me to teach her Islam.  He called me at work a number of times and said, “I want you to teach her Islam.”  I said, “No - I’m not going to teach her anything.”  (First, I don’t think I’m in any place to teach anyone about Islam. I’m asking Allah SWT to increase my knowledge. I’m trying to change my self so Allah would change me. I recognize I need a lot of help from Allah SWT.)

I began to get so extremely frustrated. Eveeeery single time I turned around, he was asking me to please teach Carolinah Islam.  He even asked me who was going to tell her about istinjah and asked me to show her how to wear a Khimar.  Let me remind you that she is a woman who has never called me and said she didn’t want to know me.  I eventually had to tell Alex to stop badgering me about that woman. “I’m not going to teach her anything,” I said.