Polygamy 411

During the course of asking questions, I asked Alex what dowry he was going to give Carolinah.  He said she wanted the same thing that I received.  I immediately remembered he had just recently asked me for a copy of our Islamic marriage contract.  I thought he just wanted to check it before he married another woman.  The contract was invalid anyhow, as he had refused to sign it nearly five years ago on the advice of his stepdaughter Naimah. Nonetheless, I gave it to him.  Did he show Carolina our contract?

I asked Alex if he had shown Carolinah his and my contract (My dowry was noted in the document).  He said, “Yes”.  I was extremely hurt and more upset than angry.  I asked him how he could share our contract with her without asking my permission.  I said that contract was personal between him and me.  He said he gave it to her to use as an example.  He said the contract was exemplary and should be a sample format for Muslims.  I didn’t care anything about that.  I felt totally violated and exposed.  How could he give my personal information to her?  He didn’t show me their contract.  I don’t even have proof they married.

I reminded him that he never signed our contract.  He said, “I’ll sign it now.”  I said, “No”.  In that contract I indicated Islamic law would supersede anything within our Marriage License.   The contract was now to his benefit, as the contract allowed for polygamy and the Marriage License doesn’t.  So now he wanted to sign… too late… Everything happens for a reason!

Before I decided to marry Alex, he said his stepdaughter Naimah had tried to get him to marry her friend. Her friend had five kids. He said he didn’t really want to marry a woman who had children, as he had just raised his ex-wife’s children. So, I thought that’s all well and good; let’s move on.  So, Alex and I got married.

About four years into our marriage, Alex began mentioning Naimah’s friend to me again. Naimah’s friend was now in a polygamous marriage, and was miserable. She lived in a downstairs apartment from her husband’s other wife. She was getting a divorce and Naimah wanted Alex to marry her friend. I said something like, “Yeah, that’s nice.  Why don’t you do it?” (…Joke! I said it, but I wasn’t serious).  He said he didn’t want to (my thought, OK, well, next…let’s move on).

Approximately six months later (several weeks before I found out Alex was going to marry Carolinah), Alex’s mother had invited us to her home. I expected Alex’s stepson Jamal would be there and some of Alex’s family, as well. I advised Alex that I wasn’t going. Then, I got this strange, unusual, weird feeling; something told me to go; I had to go. I called Alex and told him I’d be there. I called my mom and asked her to please go with me. By this time, I knew Alex had communicated with Carolinah.  Alex called me after a few hours of being at his mother’s home, and asked what time I’d be there.

Guess who was there when I arrived…no, not Carolinah. It was Naimah, dressed all in black, the veil, the gloves…with her children. Naimah had never come around Alex and me in the almost five years that we were married. She always stuck close to her circle of friends. Naimah, Jamal, and Alex were in the kitchen when my mom and I arrived. They, shortly afterwards, joined us in the living room. There was a strong feeling of tension in the air. Jamal just stared at me, looking very confused. He shook his head and said, “If this is what it’s about, I don’t want it.”  He then left the house.  Subsequently, someone said something during a conversation and Naimah’s little boy exclaimed, “My father marries eveeeerybody!”  Naimah Yelled, “I’m the only wife your father has.” Apparently polygamy for her was offensive.

Just several days later, Alex advised me that he was going to marry Carolinah.  Apparently, until I decided to go to his mother’s home, he expected Carolinah would join him at his mother’s home that evening  guised as Naimah’s friend, so his mother wouldn’t know.

After Alex told me he was going to marry Carolinah, I telephoned Naimah. In tears, barely able to speak, I said, “Alex is going to marry Carolinah.  I’m going to get a divorce.”  Naimah’s only response was, “Don’t you want to be patient?”  I then called one of Alex’s non-Muslim relatives.  I felt the compassion in her voice as she softly asked, “Are you OK…?”

What happened to wanting for your brother what you want for yourself?  Naimah didn’t accept polygamy for herself, but felt it was OK for me.  Naimah was in a polygamous marriage before for a few months and divorced. She divorced after her husband and his other wife left her at home all the time to care for all the kids, and made her the “maid.”  The same thing happened to another sister that I was familiar with. She had become a babysitter and “maid” and she divorced, as well.

Naimah had been in  a polygamous marriage before she had tried to encourage Alex to marry her friend with the five kids.  Whether Naimah’s second marriage was polygamous or not, I don’t know (her child lead us to believe his dad was polygamous).  Naimah is on her third marriage; it’s monogamous.

Apparently Naimah didn’t want polygamy for herself. What happened to wanting for your brother/sister what you want for yourself?

The day Alex married Carolinah was surprisingly uneventful for me. Allah SWT gave me ease. Alex, I’m assuming, went to work. He married Carolinah that evening. I went to work. I went shopping with a friend after work, and then went home and actually went to sleep.  No boo hooing….just peaceful sleep.

But the next day… two and three, weren’t without incident.  I let my mom and a few people know Alex had just married another woman.  Alex had said he was going to tell his mother about it weeks ago. I soon found out he hadn’t. Someone whom I had told called Alex’s mother, and gave her the 411.

Alex telephoned me at home.  He was terribly angry and upset.  I could hear it in his voice.  He said if I wanted to hurt him, I had really done it this time by telling his mother that he had married Carolinah (polygamy).  He said his mother was extremely hurt and upset and, as a result, had manifested physical symptoms.  I advised him that I didn’t tell his mother and that he had said he was going to tell her anyhow.  He screamed at me saying, “No one had to know!”  I insisted I didn’t do it.  He eventually calmed down and apologized for yelling at me.

The next evening I was totally emotional, crying and distraught, sitting all alone. I impulsively picked up the telephone and speed dialed Alex – So I thought.  A woman answered.  I yelled, “I want to talk to my husband!”  The voice asked, “Well, what makes you think he’d be here?”  I then realized it was Hafsa, Alex’s ex-wife.  I apologized to Hafsa profusely.

Hafsa immediately called Alex on his cell phone after speaking with me (Alex informed me of this days later).  Hafsa asked where he was.  She said his wife (meaning me)  had just called her looking for him.  He advised her that he was with Carolinah; he had just married her. Hafsa was beside herself upon learning Alex had married Carolinah and that they were together, experiencing their four-day, special stay.  She lit into him about how his marriage to Carolinah confirmed he had “cheated” on her with Carolinah while married to her (Hafsa).  (Alex and Hafsa had a civil State Marriage License.)   Alex always insisted, when speaking to me about it, that he didn’t have a relationship with Carolinah until he and Hafsa were “seperated” and he knew the marriage was over.

Another time I spoke on the phone with Hafsa about Alex’s marriage to Carolinah.  She said to me, “Have you seen her!”  I wasn’t going to have that conversation with Hafsa about how very un-aesthetically, unappealing Carolinah was. (Although, I had seen her photograph.)  Hafsa asked me if I was going to divorce Alex.  I said I didn’t know.  I guess she didn’t like that answer.  The next time I saw Alex, with much joy, he said he had spoken with Hafsa again and she said, “Tell your wife not to call me anymore.”

You need to know Hafsa always disliked me. I tried to befriend her before Alex and I married. When I first spoke with her on the telephone, when she finished telling me what she was going to do to me, I feared for my life.  Alex spoke with Hafsa often on the phone. I always sent “As Salaamu Alaikum” to her, but she never returned it.  She always remained silent.  Alex and her son suggested to Hafsa that she remarry Alex (Polygamy) and she told them both not to ever mention it to her again.

It was New Years Eve. Although we as Muslims don’t celebrate the holiday, a feeling of festivity was in the air.  Alex was with me that evening and it was nice.  When your marriage involves polygamy, it’s difficult for the thought of it to escape you.  It wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyhow, I decided to call Carolinah.

I took Alex’s cell phone into the bedroom, and made the call.  She didn’t answer.  That was even better, as it allowed me time to rehearse the message that I’d leave.  The message went something like this: ” Hi Carolinah, This is Ana – your co-wife (I dislike that word.)”  I said, “I just thought I’d call and introduce myself.  After all, we are sharing the same man.  I don’t mind now.  I had him all to myself for five years.  I do have the marriage license and all, all his work benefits, insurance and everything. I had the nice wedding reception and honeymoon and all of that.  Yeah, I don’t mind sharing.  Call me anytime.  My phone number at work is… and at home is…..”

You don’t know how nerve whacking for me pulling that off was with Alex in the next room… locating her phone number on his phone, recording the message, listening to, re-recording, and leaving it. I was shaking and everything. I was trying to keep my voice from quivering, as I recorded the message.  I definitely wanted to sound calm and convincing about it.

The next morning, early, Carolinah called Alex on his cell phone.  He took the phone into the other room to talk with her.  He seemed OK at the end of the conversation. It was New Years Day, now.  We spent the entire day together almost into the evening.  Alex had left me for a moment and I saw him on his phone.  He walked slowly back to our car with a sad, puppy dog look on his face.  He still was very nice and pleasant to me when he drove me home, came inside, and said goodbye.

I knew Carolinah had steamed all day and was on a boil when Alex spoke with her before he dropped me off. I could only imagine the explosion once he got there.

The next time Alex came home, referring to Carolinah, he said “Try to be civil. There’s no need to pour salt on her wound.”  He said, “she’s already hurt enough about it as it is. ”  Well, we all know there are a few people who are hurting in this relationship (polygamy) right about now.

As you very well now know, my husband Alex married Carolinah, based on what he told me.  One day soon afterwards, he said to me, “I want you to meet Carolinah; I think it’s important that the two of you meet each other.”  “Oh-so now it’s Okay”, I said. There’s no chance of me “sabotaging” the marriage at this point.  Before the marriage, he refused to allow me to meet her.

So what was Alex’s motive for wanting us to meet at this time, I thought.  Alex always tries to find a benefit for himself in everything that he does.  Did he consider what would happen if he was with Carolinah and had an emergency?  Who would let her know if  he was in the hospital or passed away while he was with me?   The way I now feel, if he should pass away tomorrow, only Allah SWT knows when she’d find out.  I don’t know that woman. Perhaps that is another reason a husband’s wives in polygamy should know one another. I advised him that I don’t want to meet her and I won’t. 

But, it didn’t stop there…no.  He began asking me to teach her Islam.  He called me at work a number of times and said, “I want you to teach her Islam.”  I said, “No - I’m not going to teach her anything.”  (First, I don’t think I’m in any place to teach anyone about Islam. I’m asking Allah SWT to increase my knowledge. I’m trying to change my self so Allah would change me. I recognize I need a lot of help from Allah SWT.)

I began to get so extremely frustrated. Eveeeery single time I turned around, he was asking me to please teach Carolinah Islam.  He even asked me who was going to tell her about istinjah and asked me to show her how to wear a Khimar.  Let me remind you that she is a woman who has never called me and said she didn’t want to know me.  I eventually had to tell Alex to stop badgering me about that woman. “I’m not going to teach her anything,” I said.

When you are in polygamy, you have a lot of ignorance to ignore.  Alex really knew how to annoy me when it came to his other wife Carolinah. 

One day when Alex and I were away and were dining out – I asked him if he loved Hafsa (his ex-wife) when they were married to her.  He replied, “I love all my wives.”  Perhaps my question was a bit ridiculous to begin with, but he knew good and darn well I wasn’t referring to his current other wife, Carolinah.  Later, after returning to the hotel room, after he had visited with some of his non-Muslim male relatives, he said to me something like…People were wondering how he was having sex with two women.

I was beginning to become depressed on this trip.  I think the polygamy of it all was beginning to really sink in and start having a physical and psychological affect on me.  Without an effort, I found myself not responding to what Alex said.

A female relative of his observed I had lost a significant amount of weight. I appeared and felt very sad. I was despondent.  She asked if Alex and I were having problems.  While looking down, I advised her that Alex had another wife besides me.  Tears rolled down my face, as we were walking and talking.  She told me to hold my head up, and not to cry; everything would be alright.

On a separate occasion, Alex and I were away again staying in a hotel.  I was on the computer planning our vacation.  In the midst of it all, he asked, “How about your sister in faith?”  With a strong degree of distaste for her in my voice, I asked, “What about her?”  He began to tell me about her need for a vacation or his need to makeup the days, or whatever.  Not caring that some of his family members were in an adjoining room, I SCREAMED – “I can’t believe we are here planning our vacation and you have the nerve to talk to me about that STUPID ITCH!”

Polygamy 411 could enlighten Muslim brothers as to some of Muslim sisters’ concerns about polygamy.  Perhaps we could all help shed some light on what would make living polygamy easier for all of us.

Settling into polygamy is awkward indeed.  So how is it done?  For Alex and me it was three nights with me and then three with her….three days here and three days there.

While Alex and I pleasantly conversed   one evening, he said he would be away on a business trip for a few days.  I said, Oh, OK, so you’ll be back home such and such a day. (He was scheduled to be with Carolinah for the next three nights before his business trip. So I surmised that upon his return from the three day trip, he’d be with me three nights.) To my surprise, the date he said he’d be back was like nine days later. That just didn’t add up to me…Three days with Carolinah, three days business trip, back to me. I asked, “Are you telling me that I lose my days, as you’ll be on a business trip when I’m scheduled?  He said, “Yes.” 

Naturally, I totally lost it, freeeeked right on out!  I said, “No. After the business trip you come back here for my three days.” I asked, “Are you crazy?”  He said he didn’t know. He seemed very sincere. I said, “If you can’t figure out a simple schedule, you don’t need to be in polygamy.”  He said he didn’t try to take my days deliberately.  He just didn’t know how it was to work.  He said he went online to try to find out, but there wasn’t a lot of information out there about it.  I yelled, “Well yeah, that’s because there’s not a lot of people out there doing it!”

After Alex said he wanted me to “meet and teach” Carolinah, he came home one day and said he wanted me to make the schedule-to make our polygamy schedule. Did you hear me?  He asked me to communicate with Carolinah and make his schedule.

I guess living polygamy for Alex was becoming more complicated than he had imagined. I could see how scheduling two families, and scheduling other family (biological family, step-family etc.) as well, could become overwhelming.  I don’t know what Carolinah thought about  the schedule at this point, but I later found out her thoughts were not very different from mine.

I struggle with the words to describe how I felt when he asked me to prepare his schedule. He said, “Just tell me where to be and I’ll be there.”  Without any hesitation, I said, “No. I am not going to do that.”  How did he think it was even feasibly possible?

I had never yet spoken with that woman.  At the time when he asked me, I no way even liked polygamy.  He’s the one who wanted to live it.  What he asked was just too totally bazaar.

Alex and I had watched the Original HBO Series ”Big Love” before he married Carolinah. The three wives used to sit down at a table and figure out “Bill’s” schedule, but come on…Carolinah, me and Alex We are real life.  I said, no way, no how it that going to happen. 

Carolinah and I have our own separate wants, needs desires, competitive drives or whatever you want to call them. How are two women so opposed to polygamy supposed to come together in harmony and do what he had asked?

Living polygamy-marriage on a schedule-was terribly exhausting and extremely psychologically draining for me. To begin with, I didn’t want it and yet I was living it.

Alex would come home day 1 of my days. I was not at all receptive.  I appeared not happy to see him, somewhat angry and bitter, cold and aloof.  Day 2, I began to relax. We began to settle in. Things got nice and cozy. We, in fact, began having fun. Day 3, I’d become very sad, distancing myself from Alex, realizing it would be our last evening together, knowing he’d leave in the morning for work and not return for three days.

Becoming familiar with Alex one day, really getting to know him the next, and then saying goodbye, tearful, visibly shaking and upset became my routine.  It was excruciating pain you’d only want an enemy to feel.  Saying goodbye to someone you love is always tough. I had to do it regularly with no end in sight. The only thing I could see is this would be my life.

But, do you want to know what was the absolute worse? - My days overlapping with Carolinah’s.  For example:  Alex sometimes would be with Carolinah on a Saturday night, and most of Sunday.  He then would come home to me late that Sunday afternoon. Could you imagine what that was like, what I was thinking and feeling? Satan always had a good time with me with those days. I’d imagine them having a late Saturday night together, wrapped up in each other on Sunday morning, breakfast/brunch. Did he do something with Carolinah right before he left her?  I remembered what I did with him on my days…how do you think I came up with that scenario? Trust me, those thoughts are agonizing. I thought living that routine repeatedly was going to destroy me!

It was real….Alex was putting on his pajamas or not, and was climbing into bed with Carolinah. He had only done that with me, as far as I knew, for the last five years.

Constant, continuous thoughts of Alex and Carolinah occupied my mind. Nothing anyone said mattered. I had been a very content person most of the time, high-spirited, always smiling and upbeat.  I used to have good times with the few, very, very close friends that I had. (I am more of a reserved personality type.) My most dear and precious friends were my Wali, his wife and family.  We’d been together conducting business, learning Islam, going through trials and tribulations together for over twenty years.

My Wali tried to help me accept polygamy and stay focused on Allah.  I valued what he said and listened to him most of the time, but now when he spoke, it seemed like I wasn’t there. I just heard a voice and words.  I barely even smiled anymore, only when expected to, usually when greeting someone. I didn’t feel any joy…just severe sadness. I definitely wasn’t myself. It was sad to see My Wali sad. He said when I hurt he hurt.  It seemed like it was the first time he couldn’t  help me.

When I was at work, I’d speak with my mom on the phone, my sister, Alex’s mother or one of his other relatives and as soon as I mentioned my polygamous situation my voice changed.  I didn’t sound like me. It sounded like another voice took over. It all happened naturally.  I couldn’t control it. I had difficulty getting words out. I didn’t cry. I felt like-who is this person speaking (referring to myself)?  I tried to stay calm every time I spoke with someone about my polygamous marriage, but this other voice always emerged. The recipient on the other line could all the time tell. My mom always said, “I know you are upset. I can hear it in your voice.”

My co-workers had to notice a difference in me. They overheard my conversations; I’m sure. Although I was pretty certain they didn’t know I was a party to polygamy, they probably thought Alex was having an affair. I cared somewhat about my co-workers hearing my conversation; I didn’t care enough to stop having them. 

One time I stopped over my sister’s house.  I thought I had my emotions all under control. I thought I could do it…I brought up the topic of Alex and Carolinah.  As I began to talk about it, almost immediately, I busted into tears. I apologized. “I’m sorry”, I said.  I was so embarrassed, so humiliated. 

Another time I was home in the evening. Alex was not there. He was with Carolinah. I was on the phone talking with my sister. I was so upset.  She quickly came over. She lived only minutes away.  I was extremely distraught, couldn’t stop crying. I said, “I don’t even want to live anymore.”  My sister immediately called my Wali. He drove, speeding, twenty-miles to my home. It seemed like he had arrived within ten minutes. I had calmed down much by then. The three of us went for a short drive to get take-out coffee. I waited in the car.  Things seemed OK now. They took me home and they left. 

When I spoke with my Wali the next day, he said last night he thought it was all over for me. It wasn’t the last time something like this happened to me.