Polygamy 411

So, it’s Alex and my wedding anniversary day. Alex is a very romantic person. For example, he does the flower thing on no special occasion. He was looking forward to our anniversary before Carolinah started her attempt to dictate how things would be-where Alex would be and when.

Alex did not mention our anniversary the entire day.  I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie.  He said he wouldn’t mind. He, however, showed no enthusiasm about doing it.  I asked if he wanted to go to the theater.  He said we could take a train into the City to avoid the holiday traffic and see a play, if I wanted to.  He said just let him know and he’d order tickets online.  Still, he showed no enthusiasm.  I could tell he really did not want to do any of those things.

Alex left the house one time that day and I thought it was to call Carolinah.  I was hoping he’d come back with flowers.  But, it didn’t happen. There was no romance, no happiness expressed, just another day and another night.

The next day was still our anniversary (Memorial Day).  Our actual wedding ceremony was the day before and our formal wedding reception was the next day (seven years ago).  Still, he didn’t say, “Happy Anniversary” or anything.  He left the house one time that day and I think it possibly was to call Carolinah.  I thought he’d come back with flowers, but he didn’t.

I was at my wits end.  That is when the conflict began.  I can’t remember exactly how, but we started to talk.  He said Carolinah wanted her days back because she had given them to me. He said he knew I had texted her, as he had not told her that he and I were going on vacation and where.  (Carolinah apparently scheduled Alex and me to have an extra three days together for our anniversary, not knowing he had already planned (several months in advance) our vacation to celebrate our anniversary.)  He said Carolinah wanted to punish him and me. I told him I didn’t want the extra three days and to give them back.  (I figured I play her game.) He said he wasn’t going to do that.  

Throughout the night we went back and forth.  I told him not to ever give me anything in the future that I didn’t ask for. I reminded him that he always speaks about being “fair and just”; I told him to make sure the next time he and Carolinah celebrate their “anniversary” that he sits at home with her and watch TV as he had done with me.  He had set a precedent for the year 2009. I told him I would remember our anniversary as the day that I regretted having married him.

I kept going back and forth at Alex the way I had done 2 1/2 years ago.  Alex’s patience was not the same.  I went into the bedroom and said something else to Alex.  He jumped out of bed. I fled into the living room. He stormed into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trembling uncontrollably.  He said, “You just can’t keep coming at me like that.”  I yelled for him to get away from me and I ran into the bedroom.  He followed me there, as well.  I yelled for him to get away from me.  I went back into the living room.  I was hysterical. He went and got me a glass of water, and told me to drink it, but I didn’t. Meanwhile, I had curled up into a tiny little ball, as small as I could get, and I couldn’t stop crying.  I kept praying to God that He wouldn’t let me be the one to breakdown first.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I was distraught after several days of intense drama with Alex about “the schedule” and our wedding anniversary. Our polygamous marriage was definitely taking its toll on me physically, emotionally and psychologically. 

I met with my wali, and advised him what had taken place just the night before. I asked him to please call Alex and speak to him for me (on my behalf).  He said he would. I was present for the telephone conversation, although it wasn’t a three-way. My wali used my cell phone to call Alex; therefore, Alex knew I was with my wali, during their conversation.

My wali said, ”As Salaamu Alaikum,” and engaged Alex in a mere moment of cordial conversation. My wali then said, “Your relationship with your second, your other wife, is spilling over into your marriage.” 

I could overhear Alex quickly rambling on; although, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. My wali yelled several times at Alex saying, “YOU HAVE TO SHUT IT DOWN!  SHUT IT DOWN!”  He kept yelling, “Shut it down!”  My wali advised Alex that Carolinah was a “New Shahadah” and Faith had not entered her heart.  He reminded Alex that just because a person takes Shahada (vows to be Muslim), does not mean she becomes Muslim overnight.  

My wali then said, “A woman will try you.  A woman doesn’t care anything about you (Alex), me (my wali), anything or anyone but herself, and getting what she wants.”  He kept telling Alex that he (Alex) must be firm. He has to be firm.

My wali advised Alex that he thought I would have adjusted to the polygamous marriage by now, but I have not.  He said his (Alex) and my marriage was “crumbling”, as it was not built on the right foundation.  He reminded Alex that he (Alex) did not consult with me before doing what he did (practiced polygamy) and there is no compulsion in Islam.  He said he (Alex) cannot force anything on me.  He has to consult with me.  Referencing me-my Wali said, “She is your wife.  She is fragile. Be gentle. Be kind to her.”

My wali then reminded Alex, as he had done on a number of previous occasions, that he would always be there for him if he (Alex) needed to reach out.  He reminded Alex that he has his (my wali’s) phone number and could call him anytime.  My wali then ended the conversation with Alex by saying, “As Salaamu Alaikum” and hung-up.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

CM asked, in a comment on my recent post -Wali Intervenes in Polygamous Marriage- how I am doing.  (Please see my reply.)  Until I woke up this morning and found the schedule, I was feeling very good.

What should three people in a polygamous marriage do when the husband is clueless about how to make the schedule?  What should the husband and two wives do when the two wives don’t communicate, won’t communicate and can’t agree on a schedule?

My wali said, Alex, Carolinah, and my whole scheduling problem is “overwhelming.”  I certainly, no way, would not ask my wali to make the schedule.

My wali said-in Islam-only “Believers” should be in polygamy, or else it won’t work.  There would be no harmony, no peace and no tranquility.

What should we do about “The schedule”-Polygamy on a schedule?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Again my wali was called upon to intervene in our polygamous marriage dispute.  However, this time Alex had agreed to the intervention.  Alex met my wali at my wali’s home to discuss our ongoing problem, scheduling polygamy (Alex had given Carolinah my days, which was the problem this time).

The next morning, my wali advised me what had transpired between him and Alex. I didn’t speak with Alex, after the meeting. My wali said he and Alex mainly spoke about Islam in connection with our marriage.  He pointed out to Alex that his and Carolinah’s relationship was borderline “fornication” and “adultery”.  He again advised Alex that a man in a polygamous relationship must take the lead or it won’t work. 

He brought to Alex’s attention that he (Alex) was more inclined towards Carolinah, as the two of them desired the same thing (to live this worldly life according to the dictates of society), and not practice Islam. He advised Alex that he will be held accountable for leading me astray (away from Islam).  My wali reminded Alex that I had never observed non-Islamic holidays, example: Fourth of July; anniversaries; birthdays etc. until I married him. My wali advised Alex that things got far worse when he “married” Carolinah. I began using  profanity etc.

My wali said he refused to look at the (polygamous) schedule that Alex and Carolinah had prepared.  He advised Alex that there are only two holidays in Islam, the Eids.  He said nothing should alter the three day schedule (three days with Carolinah and three days with me) other than vacations.  Nothing else should be scheduled for celebration.

He advised Alex to schedule an equal number of vacation days for Carolinah and me.  He said no makeup days would be necessary; there should be no makeup days.  My wali advised Alex that the Quran should be our criteria with which to judge (He shouldn’t allow Carolinah to just send him home to me when she gets angry with him, for example).

I advised my wali that I wanted a fresh start with the schedule. I advised him to let Carolinah keep the days, the Fourth of July weekend that was supposed to be mine.  She would have twelve consecutive days with Alex. I agreed the two makeup days that she scheduled to use for her anniversary in December would remain in effect.

My wali telephoned Alex and advised him of the schedule resolution.  I thought the matter was resolved finally once and for all.

So I thought the entire polygamous schedule problem was solved.  But it wasn’t. Alex emailed me on Monday. (It was the first time I had communicated with Alex since his telephone conversation with my wali on Saturday. During their conversation, Alex and my wali finalized our (Alex, Carolinah, and my) polygamous schedule.) So I thought. In the email, Alex asked if he and I could try again to work things out with the scheduling of days (Three days with Carolinah, three days with me, and vacation days). He now wanted to consult with me, which I thought that was nice, but what was left to talk about?  I got buzy and didn’t email Alex back.

Alex telephoned me on his way home from work. He asked if I had received the email from him. I said, “Yes” and I basically asked, what is left to talk about? The schedule had been worked out. He said, “No.” He said Carolinah did not like that we attached her three makeup days to her vacation.

Yes. My freak was on. My blood pressure began boiling. My voice rose from loud talk to yelling and yelling turned to… Of course he hung up and of course I kept calling back until I went into voice mail…the story of my life. What happened to our fresh start?

Alex arrived home and the intense arguing continued into the night. I asked Alex why the schedule was an issue again; he and my wali and he had resolved the matter.  He said Carolinah wanted to choose her days. I said her makeup days were from 1 year and 8 months ago. (Yes. He was away on business for a year but…) She had eight months to make up those old days. He said he kept asking her when she wanted to make up the days and she wouldn’t tell him. Alex and I continued to argue for hours off and on.

I got very tired and asked him when she wanted the three days. He said she wanted Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009. I totally lost it again. I said now I have to wait around until the end of the year with these days hanging over my head. I was so frustrated and exhausted I told him to go ahead and schedule the days.

I went and showered. While showering, I remembered all the advice and suggestions everyone had given me on the blog. “Be firm.” “Stick to your guns.” I got out the shower and said to Alex, no way. I wasn’t going with it. The only time we argued usually was about the schedule, Carolinah making changes to it to suit her work schedule etc and I wasn’t going to let it happen anymore.

I advised Alex that I wanted a fresh start, as he and my wali had agreed. I asked why Carolinah was waiting till the end of the year to take her makeup days. He said she scheduled vacation for that time. I knew she was manipulating the schedule once again. She’d schedule the makeup days now, but a couple of weeks or so before the makeup days (Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009), Alex would inform me that she had additional vacation days schedule as well for the same time period. So she’d have makeup days on top of vacation days.

She tries to be sneaky and sly. She did the same thing with the Fourth of July weekend schedule. On January 1, 2009, Alex told me about Carolinah’s makeup days for July 1, 2, and 3, knowing she planned July 4 etc. for vacation. She kept her July vacation secret until a month before, at which time she attached makeup days with vacation (taking my Fourth of July weekend).

Anyhow, I wasn’t going for it this time. I was furious. I didn’t sleep in the bed with Alex that night.

The conflict over our polygamous marriage schedule was once and for all resolved. So I hope. After a night of intense arguing and sleeping apart from Alex, he emailed me from work the next day. In the email he asked me to send him the dates that we had previously agreed upon. He said he was putting together a new schedule, and wanted to make sure it was accurate.

I telephoned Alex. He said adding days to Carolinah’s vacation was now OK. He stated her 2nd seven days of vacation would be Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2009. She would keep the two makeup days that she had scheduled previously for his and her anniversary in Dec. 2009, as well. He said he and I would schedule our 2nd vacation for this year for Sept. or Oct. 2009.  All the previous makeup days owed Carolinah were now reasonably scheduled. So the agreement that Alex and my wali had previously made was left in tacked.

I advised Alex that I was typing up the contract. I said I was putting it in writing so he, Carolinah and I would have no questions in the future about how the schedule works.

I advised Alex the schedule was simplistic: Three days with Carolinah and three days with me. She and I would each get fourteen days of vacation with him each year. There would be no makeup days, no days for holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, deaths, births, or anything. We could gift days with no makeups, as gifting days is acceptable in Islam. Days that couldn’t be used would be forfeited.

I advised Alex to confirm all of the above with Carolinah, as I don’t want it to be necessary to have the discussion about it with him again. He agreed to consult with her. He thanked me for encouraging him to consult with her, as well.

The polygamous schedule conflict was over. What a relief. There is no foreseeable way Carolinah or I could manipulate the schedule now. Only Alex could manipulate the schedule when scheduling his work (business trips) into it. Insha Allah, I’m not going to worry about that.

Alex came home that evening with the new, revised, and agreed upon schedule. He had fresh red roses with him for me, as well. It was nice!