Polygamy 411

Mutual consultation in our polygamous marriage has been one of the topics discussed between my wali and Alex and between Alex and me. The most important problem in Alex and my marriage arose when he failed to consult with me about taking his second wife. Alex made up his mind he was going to practice polygamy without considering me and how I felt about it. I still haven’t recovered from it.

It happened again, no mutual consultation. Alex advised me he was going to need minor surgery, nothing serious, an outpatient procedure. I asked him when he would schedule it. He said he gave the doctor some dates that he’d be available.

A couple days later Alex and I arrived home separately, at the same time. I walked him inside while he was on the telephone. He was talking with his mother, and was acting peculiar like I wasn’t supposed to hear the conversation. Later when we entered the house, his relative (step son-in-law) returned Alex’s phone call. Alex advised him that he was going to have surgery on June 30th.

Once Alex got off the phone, I asked him if he had scheduled the surgery. He said, yes, for June 30th. He immediately said his stepson was going to pick him up afterwards. I was fuming, burning up. I asked, “Well just when were you going to let me know? I’m your wife.” I said your mother knows. Your work knows. Your step children know. I’m sure Carolina knows. Just when was I supposed to know?

Alex had scheduled the surgery for a day that he was to be with Carolinah. I’m assuming Carolina will drop Alex off at the hospital and Alex’s stepson would take him back to Carolinah’s house when the surgery was finished. Where do I fit in or am I supposed to? What, was I supposed to wait until Alex returned home after 13 days of being with Carolinah and find out he had surgery? Or did Alex expect me to sneak into the hospital like some ho to visit him for surgery and then go home.

I was furious. How could Alex make all those pans for his surgery and include all those persons in the plans and not include me, not even discuss it with me? I told Alex mutual consultation means I am the first person that is supposed to know. I said, “I am you wife. I know before your mother knows, before, your job knows and before your stepson knows.” I advised him that I am to be a part of selecting the date he has surgery, the details of where he would recuperate, and his transportation etc. All should be discussed with me.

I explained to Alex what mutual consultation was, and advised him to stop delivering information to me and start discussing matters with me. I advised Alex that until he could get it in his head and figure out what “mutual consultation” in affairs means-for him to stay the F away from me. My blood pressure was so high. I checked the mirror in the bathroom and my face and upper chest were so red. My chest was in a rash from the anxiety of it all.

I don’t know the details of the surgery and I refuse to ask. It appears I will not be there for the surgery. If I can’t go respectfully with him as his wife, I won’t go at all.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

When women and men engage in polygamy, do they expect the unexpected? I know no one can consider everything, but do they go beyond thinking of more than just the basics?

Unexpected situations occur in polygamous marriages-situations that are not a problem in monogamous marriages. It is unquestionable. It happens… fact. Let’s consider a medical situation. For example: Which of the wives goes to the hospital and claims the title of wife, signs papers if necessary, etc? In which one of the wives’ houses does the husband recuperate when he is housebound and can’t travel? How are issues like these resolved?

An unexpected situation presented itself to me. Alex was scheduled today for minor surgery. The way I initially found out the date of the surgery and where he’d recuperate was backwards. I was the last to know. What happened to mutual consultation?

I “freaked” initially about Alex’s failure to consult with me. He failed to communicate with me once again about a matter that was very important; In this case, it was about scheduling his surgery. Nevertheless-thank Allah much-I let it go.

Alex asked me on Sunday if I wanted to be with him at the medical facility when he has surgery. He said he and his stepson Jamal would pick me up. I didn’t answer. He said he’d call me on Monday (the next day) for my answer. I thought, well, he is my husband; I love him, and want him to be OK. So I decided, yes; I’d go. But to my surprise he didn’t call me on Monday.

So Tuesday, 11:15 a.m., rolls around and surgery is scheduled for 1:00 p.m. I thought to myself; I need to handle this tactfully. So I emailed Alex and asked, “What time are you and Jamal going to pick me up?” He emailed me back and said, “12:30 p.m., Insha Allah.”

Anyhow, Alex, Jamal, and I went to the medical facility. Jamal and I sat talking in the reception area for approximately three hours while Alex underwent surgery. I felt as though I was talking with my adult son. We had fun.

Alex is happy and well-thank Allah much. He’s at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house for the next nine days or so for recovery. I think she’ll take good care of my husband.

Is it common for husbands in polygamous marriages to get confused about the schedule, and wonder which wife’s turn it is?  Well, I experienced it the other day with Alex.

Just to rehash what’s been going on-Alex was away at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house recovering from minor surgery for the last thirteen days.  They were on vacation, as well.  Alex came home to me, “officially”, late yesterday afternoon.  I say “officially”, as I saw Alex a couple times during his thirteen days away.  I went with him to the medical facility for his surgery and I waited for him.  Alex came by our home to see me for a couple hours the other day, Wednesday (approximately one week after his surgery), as well.  He stopped by after his doctor appointment.  It was nice to see him.

The next day (Thursday), Alex telephoned me, and asked me to take something out the freezer for dinner. (OK, I’m baffled now. He’s not due home until tomorrow, Friday.) I advised Alex that he was not scheduled to come home until tomorrow.  He sounded totally dumbfounded, and asked me if I was sure.  Of course I was sure. 

I asked Alex why he doesn’t program our marriage schedule into his Blackberry.  He said it’s his work phone and he doesn’t want work having access to that information. I understood.  Anyhow, Alex waited while I checked the calendar and confirmed his day with me was not until tomorrow (Friday).

That evening, I carefully perused our polygamous marriage schedule again and found another error.  He had me scheduled for four days (at the end of this month) instead of my routine three days. Crazy, crazy, crazy…I emailed Alex, advised him of the error, and advised him to make sure he gets this schedule thing right, as the schedule is the main issue that had recently caused major problems in our polygamous marriage.

Which wife’s turn is it?  Is that an occupational hazard for some husbands in polygamous marriages?  Is it common for polygamous husbands to get confused about the schedule?

At least my husband’s other wife Carolinah can’t manipulate the schedule anymore. Do you think that stripped her of some power?

Which wife does a husband take with him when he travels (on a journey) for business and he has more than one wife in a polygamous marriage?

Alex came home and I was prepared. I was in a positive state of mind and I was intent on avoiding any type of conflict. Alex was pleasant. He was in a happy mood, as well. We had a confrontational free evening with no mention of Alex’s surgery or his failure to communicate with me about the details of it. (See previous post regarding Mutual Consultation conflict.)

The next day, late in the afternoon, Alex telephoned me. He asked me to (take a journey) with him, to accompany him on a business trip. It was a three days business trip that he scheduled back in January 2009. Including my regularly scheduled days, the journey would give Alex and me five nights together.

Being totally surprised, totally caught off guard by the invite, I hesitated and then contemplated. Alex said, if I needed time to think about it, I could get back to him with my answer. I thought-what’s there to think about, hotel, room service, Alex and me. I said, “Yes. I’ll go.” He said, “Well, get packing.”

Yes. I was happy. I was a tiny bit stressed about the rush packing, but most importantly, I was happy. I felt good knowing Alex wanted me with him. I thought-could it be Allah was extending his Bounty and Mercy to me for my recent efforts to work out an amicable schedule, and keep the warring down between Carolinah, Alex and me. Allah knows best! With hardship, there is relief.

I was most pleased that Alex and I had previously worked out the schedule contract (regarding Alex, Carolina and me), so there would be no question that my three days on the journey with Alex were Alex’s business days. The days would not have to be made up with Carolinah.

Alex had taken me on business trips (journeys) with him before, during our polygamous marriage; the trips always coincided with my scheduled days. However, this was the first time the days were scheduled for Alex only, and he decided to take me with him.

In polygamous marriages in Islam, a husband can take a wife with him on a journey. A business trip counts as a journey in today’s society.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to try to ruffle Carolinah’s feathers by texting her about my journey (mini getaway) with Alex. I know firsthand how boasting and bragging backfires, and causes major chaos. Anyhow, what good is in boosting and bragging?

I have been feeling so much ease with polygamy while away with Alex the last few days. I feel as though my hardship with polygamy is actually softening. I pray it is not just a passing phase, but is a start of a new beginning. With hardship relief does come. With hardship there is ease.

I was preparing for Alex to leave me to be with Carolinah for the next thirteen days and to have him spring on me the invite for a mini vacation (business for him) made me feel very special. I really needed that. The invite was much welcomed, and made me very happy.

The wonderful part about it is I barely thought about Carolinah the whole times I’ve been gone. I mean, superficially she’s on my mind, but not like before. Before, she used to haunt my thoughts all the time. Living polygamy with Carolinah as a part of my life constantly disturbed me. I’m not experiencing the disturbance right now. Nope… I’m feeling lighthearted, somewhat euphoric.

The only time during this trip that I got a bit perturbed was yesterday when we were out to dinner. Alex asked if I had the “schedule” with me. I asked, “What schedule?” I knew what he was referencing (our polygamous marriage schedule.) He said, “Our schedule.” I asked, “As in yours and mine?” He said, “Yes.” I could tell by his expression that he felt he had put his foot in his mouth. I said, “No,” thinking to myself-A hole. I said, “No, I don’t walk around with that “schedule” on me.” I asked him why he asked, thinking he wanted to change something again. I felt the anger in me wanting to rise. He said he wanted to see what weekend he’d be home so we could clean the garage. I advised him that we don’t have to schedule garage cleaning; we could just do it whenever we felt up to it. At least I didn’t fly off the deep end. I think I’m making progress, slowly but surely.