Polygamy 411

There was no Ramadan or Eid spirit in my home this year. The lack of enthusiasm from Alex, during Ramadan presented itself once again. Alex displayed no happiness or excitement for Ramadan or the Eid, one of the two biggest Islamic celebrations of the year. Enthusiasm and excitement for Ramadan had never been there for Alex, as long as I’ve known him, and has gotten worse since he’s been with Carolinah.

I became apprehensive when Ramadan approached this year, knowing Alex’s sentiments or lack of sentiments for Ramadan. I had anxiety about whether Alex would preferred to be with Carolinah and be at her home with non-Muslims where he didn’t have to concern himself with Ramadan, and could eat during the day if he wanted to. I felt terribly inadequate. I think I even felt myself wanting Ramadan to be over quickly, as I felt the burden of  Ramadan on Alex, which consequently placed a burden on me.

Alex and I didn’t read Quran together, didn’t study together, didn’t worship together or do any of those things during Ramadan this year. We had no Islamic discussions. He came home right at the time of break-fast or after it. He’d take his food for break-fast which seemed like him grabbing a date and sipping some water in passing, no reflection about what we had done throughout the day, foregoing food and drink, nothing. Don’t get me wrong; we ate breakfast and dinner together, during Ramadan when we were together, but it felt like any other usual breakfast or dinner.

Alex asked me why I could use the computer during the day and he couldn’t watch TV? I advised him that the use of the computer was part of my work. I advised him not to let me prevent him from watching TV, during the daylight hours. He only watched TV in the morning while I was sleeping.

The end of Ramadan sparked no excitement either. I text messaged Carolinah yesterday on the day of Eid. I said, “Eid Mubarak!”  “Happy Eid!”  I received no response from her.  Carolinah has never said she was Muslim. Maybe Carolinah, Alex’s and my relationship is not polygamy, as others have commented before.

Is my husband Alex hindering me from the path of Allah with his love for this worldly life, and lack of concern for the hereafter?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Why do men engage in polygamy in 2009?  I’m referring to a man that has wives living in separate dwellings. I’ve been giving that question much thought for quite some time now.

The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives all lived in close proximity to one another. Regarding the family, I’d imagine the emphasis was placed on feeding, clothing, and providing them spiritual guidance. With gross materialism evident in the world today, there is much more to maintaining and protecting women in 2009. How does a man find the time to do all that needs to be done?

I’ve been thinking about my husband Alex and me, for instance. Regarding maintenance, I’ve noticed a difference since he’s been married to Carolinah. Things he used to do such as unpacking and putting suitcases away after we return from trips and vacations, he doesn’t do readily anymore.  Usually we get home so late from traveling and he’s due at Carolinah’s home the next day. So things are left undone until he returns. It has taken him a month or more to do little things that need to be done such as putting a battery in the huge clock on the wall. I know what I’ve described seems insignificant, but they all begin to add up. 

I try not to pressure Alex to do anything, as I know he has a lot on his plate, a lot of responsibilities.  He has my household, Carolinah’s household, his job, his mother and her home, his mother is in the hospital as I write, by the way.  So, I pretty much leave Alex alone. After all, I don’t want him to snap, crackle, or pop.

Next comes the protection part. I’m thinking how Alex could protect me in the time of an emergency, if he’s with Carolinah on her night. It’s not like he lives next-door and can come over and help me. I’ve decided my intention is to do whatever I need to do, if an emergency arises when Alex is not home. My intention is not to call him, even if someone in my family dies. When it comes down to me having to do for myself all the time, I have to ask myself why I need Alex…Is sex the only thing I need him for? 

My friend whom I have referred to so often said man is supposed to maintain and protect his wives in a spiritual way.  They should study Islam together, learn together, and read Quran and pray together, worship together. The husband is to give his wives good Islamic advice and guidance in an effort to assist them in their journey toParadise.

I get no Islamic guidance from Alex. We do none of the things mentioned above. Alex’s conversations consist of discussing additional educational degrees that he wants to earn, his professional work and retirement plans for the future, his recreational plans and physical fitness plans. His conversations all pertains to his pursuit of worldly pleasures, and not the pursuit of Paradise. He never encourages me to strive for Paradise. Every now and again Alex spouts off something from an Islamic perspective when he knows I’ve become frustrated with the lack of Islamic focus in our marriage. It becomes very frustrating for me when I know that Islam is a way of life, part of everything I do and Islam is not Alex’s way.

I would suggest that Muslim men contemplating polygamy seriously consider whether they can maintain and protect more than one wife in 2009 or whether they are being moved to enter polygamy to satisfy some of their selfish desires.

Are there any wives out there feeling a lack of maintenance and protection from their husbands, and would like to share some of their experiences or thoughts?  Are there any men willing to take a position on this topic?  Thoughts of everyone who would like to comment are welcome.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

The excruciating, deep, overwhelming, terrible pain that polygamy brings some women lingers; it seems indefinitely, sometimes for years. For me, the pain of Alex being married to Carolinah has subsided tremendously, two years and ten months later.  The pain still resurfaces periodically when I allow my thoughts to drift off to the two of them, what they’re doing intimately, how the two of them plotted and planned, how Carolinah latched onto my husband and dismissed me-all the things I have so often spoken about on the blog.

I was speaking yesterday with my best friend about the most recent article that I posted, “A Malaysia First Wife Speaks of Polygamy.”  I advised him that the woman interviewed described the pain that she felt when she learned her husband had secretly married another woman. I advised him that I could feel her pain as I read her story. He said I felt my own pain when I read her story.  What she described made me feel my own pain again, he said. I thought that was profound. I began to think about it and realized the truth in it. He explained how a person cannot feel another person’s pain. He gave me some examples and I thought- it was so true. The numbness the woman in the article felt, feeling “zombie” like, the crying for maybe a year, the waves of emotions, I felt and lived it all. It all hurt so badly and still does sometimes, not as often though, which is a mercy.

I think about the different forms of polygamy, the women in polygamous families who are living it voluntarily and those thrust into polygamy not by choice. It’s amazing how the families are all polygamous; however, some women like me experience a pain living polygamy that is virtually indescribable. It is a pain I would never forget. Remnants of it are always with me. I remember the lyrics of a song I heard when I was a teenager, “Pain is in my heart, tearing me apart.”

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Did I do terrible things when I was younger? My Egyptian friend Abdul recently said to me something to the effect-I (Ana) must have done some terrible things to be experiencing so much torment and pain with polygamy. I thought, wow, what I had done to others, dismissing them at “will”, and receiving them at a whim.  Am I now paying for all I had done, all I had done in the past?  I thought all my sins were forgiven when I became Muslim.

Today, another friend (my best friend) brought to my attention- “Payback is an (x)itch.”  Am I paying by way of polygamy for all the things that I had done to others in the past? Am I now experiencing an agonizing pain and torment in this life?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I thought the most difficult obstacle that I had to overcome was surviving my husband’s (Alex’s) honeymoon with his second wife (Carolinah).  After all, I would be home alone, knowing my husband had just wedded another woman and would, I assumed, be enjoying a joyous intimate encounter with her.  How would I maintain my sanity, imagining the scenario of what was about to happen and what was taking place?

I never dreamed it would be as easy as it was for me. I thank Allah SWT much. He took me through that day, and made me victorious. I survived.  Allah SWT made it easy for me, after many, many prayers to Him, and imploring His help. 

There were and still are uphill battles that I am trying to conquer and I believe I will. For all those women out there who are facing this challenge, there is hope and they can do it with the help of Allah SWT. The Holy Month of Ramadan is approaching fast and the help of Allah SWT is always near.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

It has been two years and eight months since Alex and Carolinah have been “married”-”married” according to Alex.  I have not met Carolinah in person, nor have the two of us had a civil telephone conversation or text message between us. Is she a polygamous wife or a mistress?  That is the question I asked when I began this blog in Feb. 2009, and asked until today. My intention is no longer to entertain the question.

Persons whom I have spoken with (my family and Alex’s family- non-Muslims.) have referred to Carolinah as Alex’s mistress.  Alex’s ex-wife Hafsa is Muslim. Hafsa and I conversed by way of telephone a few months ago. Hafsa said Alex is committing adultery.  She said Alex, Carolinah and I would be living as a family, if he was truly married to her. We would live in close proximity to one another, would be communicating with one another, and would be taking care of each other’s children (if we had any) etc. She said I would have consented to Alex’s marriage before it took place.

So here we are, Alex, Carolinah, and me, two and eight months later. Is she a polygamous wife or a mistress?  All who previously responded about it here at polygamy411 probably haven’t changed their opinions. Nothing has changed. Carolinah and I still haven’t met each other, haven’t spoken with one another civilly, nor had a descent text message between us.  Alex still goes off to sleep with Carolinah, and give her money.

I spoke with Alex about it last night. I said, “You know, it’s been two and a half years and Carolinah still has not reached out to me, not one time and said anything to make peace, not anything…She hasn’t even for example said: Ana, I’m sorry how things happened; maybe we could try to make this thing work…nothing.”  Alex responded by saying every time he gets her close to being able to communicate with me, I text her and she says I (Ana) am not the person he said I was. I said to Alex, “Look it’s been two and one half years and she has never reached out to me as a “Sister in Faith.” I concluded my conversation about it with Alex by saying, “She accepted Islam to get sex and a pay check.”  He said, “If that’s what you want to believe.”  Before and after Carolinah and Alex “married” according to Alex, Carolinah said, “I’m not ready for her (Ana) yet.” She was ready for my husband though; wasn’t she? 

Today, I spoke with my best friend (the person that introduced me to Islam. We’ve been friends for 23 years.)  I mentioned to him my discussion with Alex about Carolinah. He asked me when I ever knew a “mistress” to call (telephone) a wife.  He said, “There is a mountain load of facts that let you know what she is.”  Is she a polygamous wife or mistress? I’m going to rely on the facts.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I am in a polygamous marriage and I have been presented with a dilemma the last few months. The problem is regarding business. I have decided to start my own business. Now I must decide whether or not to make my husband Alex my partner. The business would be based on years of experience and expertise that I have from working in a particular field for many, many years. Considering the number of years of experience and my expertise, I envision the business as being a success. 

Starting a business and being polygamous is the problem. Where does my husband Alex fit in? My mom, as well as a very recent commenter on polygamy411 made me think about Alex and his position in the business.  

Being polygamous now has created a situation in which it is very difficult for me to decide what to do with Alex. Should I make him my partner or not?  I see many, many benefits in making Alex my partner. I know he would be extremely good for the business. He has an excellent business sense and a knack for managing finances. On the other hand, there is Carolinah-his other wife. Alex’s “marriage” to Carolinah leaves me with the dilemma as to whether to make Alex my partner or not. Why?

Do I really want to help Alex take care of another woman (Carolinah), her house, her property, and her children, anymore than I already am? I keep harping on the fact that Alex spends half our marital monies on all of the above already. Do I want to make Alex’s life easier so he could make Carolinah’s life easier and more comfortable as well?  What happens if I die before Alex?  Do I really want to set him up so he could walk away with a business that we built so he could live happily ever after with Carolinah?  Do I want to make Alex a legal partner in my business so he could walk away with part of it, if we divorce?

The more I contemplate my polygamous marriage and a business with Alex, the more I think I don’t want his name legally on anything belonging to me at this stage of my polygamous life.  If it becomes time for me to rock and roll, (leave my marriage) divorce Alex, I don’t need any new created thing to hold me back.  There are huge benefits in making Alex my partner, but there are huge risks as well.

Starting a business can be exciting and confusing at the same time. There are countless details to address and decisions to make. A polygamous marriage adds to the number of details that must be considered when starting a business. The decision of whether or not to make my husband Alex a partner was a no brainer when we were monogamous…not anymore, not while being polygamous

So much for polygamy…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I’m wondering how polygamous husbands cope with wives that have different styles. How does a polygamous husband incorporate the different styles of his wives into his life? 

Let me give you an example: (Remember, Carolinah and I have separate homes.) My husband Alex and I were married shy of five years when he married Carolinah, his second wife.  Alex and I have been married now just a little over seven years. Recently, I would say within the last several months, I’ve noticed Alex has been closing one particular door in our home.  We have always left that door open when no one was in there. I came to the conclusion that Carolinah must like that door in her home closed. So, occasionally I had to remind Alex to leave the door open and a couple times I actually yelled at him about it. 

I’m assuming Alex has gotten the routine down packed over at Carolinah’s home, as now he’s been closing our door, regularly. The last couple days that Alex has been with me, I’ve been running behind him opening the door when he closes it.  I’ve tried not to argue, tried to keep peace and tried to overlook.  Today, however, was the last straw. I opened that closed door too many times. 

That’s not all. I go into the bathroom and the rug is close to the toilet. I don’t like my rug near the toilet.  I know many people like those wrap around the toilet rugs, but I don’t (No offense to anyone). I confronted Alex. He said his feet were cold. I said, “What, they just got cold now in seven years.” I said, “Stick your feet out farther so they touch the rug or put on slippers.”

Anyhow, a bit later, I’m on my way to the bedroom and the door that I mentioned was closed. Yes! I confronted Alex. I said look, I’m not going to run behind you opening doors that you close. I’m not going to readjust the way I live to suit your lifestyle ”down the road”-that’s what I called Carolinah’s place. I said the last seven years the door stayed open, but now because Carolinah likes her door closed, I have to live that way?  No. It’s not going to happen.

So, the question is how does a husband in a polygamous marriage cope with wives that have conflicting styles?  Must he remember at all times which of the wives’ home he is in and whether the door should be opened or closed? Should the one wife conform to the ways of the other wife?  Should I leave the door closed, allowing Carolinah to dictate how I live?  Should I leave the door closed to make it easier for Alex to stay in one routine so he doesn’t get chastised by Carolinah? Polygamous husbands-how do they cope?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

All wives in polygamy have sad days. I’m sure.  Today was a sad day in polygamy for this wife, me. I’ve been doing very well for a pretty long time.  It was bound to happen that sooner than later I’d begin to feel down. That is how I woke up feeling, today. I know the reason why.

My husband Alex has been out of the State on a business trip since Monday (today is Friday-just to give a timeline). He was with me for three days before he left for business.  He returned today and will be with Carolinah this evening, for three days. I was sad because he was going to be with her instead of me. The schedule had always worked in the past that he’d leave me and go away on business, and would come back to me. You know-he’d be with me the day before the business trip and I’d still have two days left with him upon his return, something like that (our three days here and three days there schedule).

My mind was constantly thinking about Alex going “home” to Carolinah this evening. (I’m getting better, as I was able to call her place “home”.) Yes! I thought about the intimacy part; the two of them being reunited in sexual bliss. I kept fighting the thoughts, remembering Allah (SWT).  It was an intense battle going on in my mind.  I was determined to win it.

I knew Alex would call me when his plane landed. I had decided I wouldn’t answer. Yep…I’d ruin his weekend with Carolinah when unable to reach me. And then my home telephone rang. Caller ID-It was Alex. I wanted badly to answer, but I didn’t. Then he called my cell phone. I didn’t answer. He called my home phone again. I didn’t answer.  I began to feel very badly. How could I intentionally want to hurt Alex that way?  Had something happened to him and he was trying to reach me? He called my cell phone again.  This was his fourth attempt.  I answered.

Alex said he was back. His plane had landed. I had really missed him, and wanted him to come home. I held back tears and was very strong.  I didn’t say the mushy stuff that I felt-like I missed you, I wish you were coming home, I love you, blah, blah, blah.  He said he was going to his mother’s home to check on her. I sensed he wanted me to say I’d go there, as well, so he could see me. I wanted to tell him that I’d go there.  I knew that wasn’t the thing to do. So, I refrained.  He said he’d be home very early on Monday, as he’d have the day off from work.  I got off the phone quickly as I was becoming too emotional and I didn’t want him to know it.

Once I hung up, I kept fighting the battle in my mind, the thoughts, the need to breakdown and cry.  I couldn’t reach my best friend. I kept remembering what my Egyptian friend, Abdul, had always repeatedly advised me.  He said, “Make yourself busy. You have to keep yourself busy. Don’t think too much.” I got dressed and went to the Mall. I kept remembering Allah (SWT). I’m happy now!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.