Polygamy 411

It is a beautiful feeling to go to bed feeling peaceful and content, and wake up in the morning in a state of happiness, feeling nothing but joy. Polygamy has brought much pain and heartache to my life, but has brought much good as well. It’s been a long tough journey for me, but it’s much, much easier now. I’ve learned many lessons along the way.  I’ve done and said many things to persons (in particular, my husband Alex and his other “wife” Carolinah).  I can only pray that Allah (Great and Glorious is He) has forgiven me for those acts and I won’t repeat them. 

Allah says, “O ye who believe!  If ye fear Allah, He will grant you a Criterion (To judge between right and wrong), remove from you (all) evil (that may afflict) you and forgive you: for Allah is the Lord of grace unbounded)” – Quran 8:29.

What makes me happiest at this stage in my life is that my thoughts are no longer focused on Alex and Carolinah. That is truly a blessing. I used to obsess over her, about the two of them being together and what they were doing.  Now my thoughts of her and the two of them are so much more controlled and don’t rule my life. I make every effort to turn all my attention to Allah. For being able to do that, I truly thank Him.

Most everyone here at polygamy 411 has been more than kind and supportive and for that too I am grateful to Allah. A few times I was disappointed when anyone insinuate I was a poor example of a Muslim or asked how I could do certain bad acts as a Muslim. To that I must remind them that the Prophets are our example, not me. All human beings sin whether Muslim or not, which is why Allah tells us to repent and ask forgiveness of Him again and again. Allah loves to forgive and loves those who seek His forgiveness with all sincerity.  On that note, I’d like to end for now and just say – Allah’s promise is true; after hardship there is relief.

 This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m not one for planning the future, but Alex is.  Since I don’t very much know what is going to happen from day to day, how am I to know what is going to happen years from now? I could be dead in the next few minutes. Planning, of course, is more difficult for parties in polygamous marriages. All the parties must come to an agreement on things – that is if they want to conduct their affairs with mutual consultation as they are directed to do in the Quran.

While on vacation, Alex and I had a conversation about the future. We were relaxing on the balcony of our hotel room. It was a bright, beautiful, hot, tropical day. Alex asked, “Where do you want to live?”  Here we go again; I thought. To refresh your memory, Alex and I had this same conversation quite a few times before. In fact, I wrote a post on it, “We are Polygamous - Where are We Going to Live?”  It felt like déjà vu when he asked me the exact same question again.  I couldn’t believe it. I took a super, long, deep, breath and sighed. I wasn’t in the mood to go through this whole song and dance again. It’s just too exhausting, too draining. I had made everything quite clear to Alex when he and I previously discussed the matter.

Nonetheless, the conversation this particular day went something like this: The first thing I said was, “I need to ask; is Carolinah going with us?”  Alex exclaimed, “I’m asking you where you want to live!”  I said, “Before I can discuss this any further, I need to know if you intend to take Carolinah as well because, if so-I’m not going.”  He said, “Then there’s no need to discuss it any further because I don’t want us to argue.” I proceeded to say, “You could come visit me.”  He said, “Thank you.”

Once again I saw how selfish people can be. Alex wants us to move to another State, as the cost of living is too expensive in the State in which we live.  Alex always wanted him and me to move from the time we got married. I always suspected it was to get me away from my best friend, whom he had feelings of jealousy towards. Before we married, I agreed I’d move wherever Alex wanted to go whenever I were to stop working. The problem is Alex never signed our Islamic contract, making what I had agreed to null and void.  Secondly, the variables had changed. Alex didn’t have another “wife” when I agreed to live anywhere he wanted to. 

I could understand Alex wanting to move very soon; you could only imagine how expensive it gets taking care of two families in a State in which it’s expensive to take care of one family. But that’s not my problem now is it? Did I ask Alex to take on another family? Anyway you look at it, Alex has to take care of me. Even if we divorce, Alex has to take care of me, so it’s not my problem! Maybe I’d have more compassion if he wasn’t “married” to another woman while married to me.

I can’t stop thinking how selfish people can be in relationships.  Has Alex considered what he requested me to do? He wants me to uproot, move away from my Islamic family, my biological family, my familiar surroundings, my comfortable home and everything I know…for what?  He wants me to move to a strange State, where I know no one and know nothing of the area.  Of course Carolinah and I would have separate dwellings. It is a way of life for wives in polygamy in Islam. He’ll continue to divide his time between us-that is marriage on a schedule. Please tell me what I am supposed to do while Alex is laid up in with Carolinah watching television, laughing, happy, and enjoying the good life?  I get extremely angry when I think about it.

Now I understand how couples can stay married and live in separate countries. I hear of couples all the time in which one, for example, live in Egypt and the other the USA. I never could understand the concept, but now it all makes perfectly good sense to me. As we get older, sometimes relationships begin to take on a whole new dimension.

My intention is to stay in the State in which I currently live, where I’ve lived my entire life, near my Islamic family, my biological family, my familiar surroundings, and everything I’ve come to know. I’ll stay married to Alex and he can come visit me whenever he’d like.

Some readers have asked me about my happiness in my marriage.  Living some place that I enjoy make me, Ana, happy. Being around my familiar surroundings and people that I know makes me happy. My intention is to stay right where I am.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

It was three days ago since the incident occurred when I cracked the code to my husband Alex’s cell phone and found partially nude photos of his other wife Carolinah.  For those who don’t know, Alex is married to Carolinah and me. We’re polygamous/polygynous.

 I had been doing very good in not tormenting Carolinah. I last attacked her eight months ago. Carolinah never defends herself; she just sits back and take it. I can’t say that it is a good thing in Islam or not.  My understanding is we should defend ourselves when we are unjustly attacked, and not be cowed. Perhaps Carolinah doesn’t feel the attacks are unjust. Maybe she doesn’t know it’s OK to defend herself. I don’t know. Maybe there’s another Ayat in Quran that I overlooked that applies. I’m willing and want to learn. What I’m about to tell you is what followed my relapse:

Three days later (three days after the incident), it was my turn to be with Alex again. The first evening Alex was here with me, he was his usual kind, calm, gentle self, but distant. I was kind to him and acted as though nothing had happened. I tried to talk with him about the matter and he refused to. He said he wanted to wait until Allah gave him more patience. 

The second day, we were pretty much back to normal. I tried to talk with him about the matter again and he did not want to, other than to say I violated his trust. He asked about the photos and I said I deleted them all, which I had done, not long before he came home.

The third day, we went shopping and visited his mom. In our travels, he and I talked about the matter. We talked about our marriage and his to Carolinah.  He said he wasn’t going to divorce her or me. He again stressed how I should be the one to try to bring a truce between her and me. You know how that went.  Again, it was like beating a dead horse. So nothing was resolved with that.

Alex went to work late the next day. He left in the afternoon. It was a repeat performance of the morning of the incident-He kissed me goodbye and said, “I love you.”  I reminded him that the last time he left it was the same thing and he knows what happened. (I hacked his phone and found the photos).  We laughed. I said, “I’ll see you soon, Insha Allah” (That night began Carolinah’s turn). 

It’s important to note: Alex doesn’t say, “I love you” routinely; so when he says it, I know he means it. It just so happened the last two times he said it, they were similar. Nonetheless, the last three days were pretty much uneventful, which I believe is a good thing. What’s to come should be better, as I’ve spoken with Alex by way of email, and advise him I want us to work on making our marriage better.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

To recap, a few days ago Alex forgot to take his cell phone with him when he left for work. I overrode his password and hacked into his phone. I found nasty, provocative photos that Carolinah had sent Alex of herself. I forwarded the photos back to Carolinah and threatened to put them on the Internet. Alex recovered his phone from me that contained the photos. He was very upset with me and we discussed it by way of telephone.

Following Alex and my telephone conversation, I decided to email Alex after speaking with my wali. My wali had advised me that contacting Carolinah and trying to befriend her would be absolutely futile, and a waste of time. I emailed Alex and said under no condition or circumstance would I reach out to Carolinah to make amends. I advised him that I reached out to her numerous times in the last three years, whether it was good, bad, or indifferent and she reached out to me 0 times. I said she’s holding onto all the bad that she’s received from me as an excuse to never to communicate with me when she never wanted to communicate with me from day one.

I asked Alex to see the real reason Carolinah dismisses me. It was his and her agreement before they married that she wouldn’t have to communicate with me. Here’s some background information, regarding Carolinah and her family: Her mother lived her entire life with a married man. When the man died, the legitimate wife came and claimed the house Carolinah lived in with her mother and siblings. The wife threw Carolinah and her family out. I advised Alex that it is the life Carolinah knows, a life she learned from her mother that being a common law wife or whatever you call it, is OK. I explained to Alex that Carolinah wants to live that life and not the life of polygamy that is Islam.

Finally, I advised Alex that I had no intention of reaching out to Carolinah and if she doesn’t reach out to me, he could expect to continue to live with two women that are enemies to each other, and could expect whatever comes with it. I said his life would continue to be a living hell on earth. I asked how he could expect Allah to reward him in his marriages. How could there be peace, harmony, and tranquility in what exists between him, Carolinah and me?

In closing, I want all to know that I know what I’ve done was wrong. I know it was a terrible thing to do and I defied Allah. I pray that Allah will forgive me, and help me to become a better Muslim.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Day two of my relapse: I awoke for prayer as usual. Before going back to bed, I put Alex’s cell phone on his nightstand in our bedroom, so I’d know if and when he arrived to pick it up. I became somewhat anxious, as I hadn’t heard from him and he must have arrived at work. It was 7:45 a.m.

I figured I’d give Alex and Carolinah a jolt. I needed some activity from them. I took his cell phone, and retrieved the photo of Carolinah’s boobs hanging out her lingerie. Carolinah had written: “lick this…baby.” Beneath it, I ADDED: “because Carolinah’s going to give it to you good.” (It was what she could imagine someone seeing on the internet.) From Alex’s cell phone, I forwarded Carolinah the photo with the text. I knew it would get Carolinah angst, knowing the phone and the photos were still in my possession.

So, I proceeded to go to sleep and awoke around 11:00 a.m. (I usually don’t go to bed until 3:00 a.m., which is why I arise so late.) I got up and looked for the phone on Alex’s nightstand and it was gone. I slept right through him coming there, taking the phone, and leaving. Needless to say, I became agitated that he didn’t wake me. So, what to do now?

I had forwarded copies of all the provocative, nasty photos of Carolinah from Alex’s cell phone to mine. I retrieved the photo of Carolinah with her legs spread wide. Carolinah had written, “Just for my #1 fan eye’s only ur pu..y patiently awaits for u…” I ADDED: “Because I’m a leg gapping ho.” From my cell phone, I sent the photo to Carolinah and a copy to Alex, as well. Now they were aware I had copies of the photos on my phone.

Shortly thereafter, Alex telephoned me. He was polite and kind, but extremely upset. He spoke of trust and blah, blah, blah, the stuff you’d expect me to hear… how I don’t protect him. I let him know many people have trust issues in relationships and the only One we can really put our trust in is our Creator. I asked him how he was protecting Carolinah or me when he keeps private stuff on his phone that anyone could possibly see. He let me know how disappointed he was in me. He advised me how wrong it was of me to TORMENT Carolinah. He said I should have just kept what happened between him and me and not involved her.

I again spoke to Alex about my frustration and anger with Carolinah, the fact that she dismisses me and pretend I don’t exist-the underlying reason for my anger, hatred and revenge. He insisted it was my entire fault. He said I need to reach out to her again in a kind way. How crazy is that?  How much begging and kissing that woman’s *** does he expect me to do?

Alex said he had been looking forward to coming home and being with me this weekend, but now didn’t know what to do. I’m like…here we go again. Is Carolinah going to tell him not to come home again etc. etc? He even asked me why I don’t just divorce him. I said if I want a divorce, I’ll do it when and how I want and he should divorce me, if that’s what he wants. He said he didn’t want that. So that was pretty much the basis of the conversation.

To be continued…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Yes! You heard it right. I had a relapse in my polygamous marriage. It was a trial or test and I failed it royally. Just when I thought I was doing so good, the unexpected presented itself. Isn’t that how it usually works?

Where should I begin? Well, I got up for Salat (Morning Prayer) and to see Alex off for work. He gave me a kiss, said he loved me, and was on his way. I was happy. A few moments later, I heard what I thought was his cell phone beep.  I quickly looked for the cell phone in hope of catching him before he was too far away, but I didn’t see it. I thought I simply had been hearing things. Nevertheless, I went back to bed for a few hours.

After I awoke and pulled myself together, I saw Alex’s cell phone on the dining room table. I saw on the face of the phone that the caller earlier that morning, at 6:30 a.m., was Carolinah. She was the beep. What to do now? I immediately reached for the landline phone to call Alex to let him know he had left his cell phone. (I didn’t want to be tempted with going into his phone. It’s a sin in Islam to spy on someone.) Then I had second thoughts. I went back and forth about what to do and then the answer became clear. I had to see what she said.

Maybe you remember from a previous post that this same exact situation presented itself to me maybe a year ago or so and I accessed his phone. I can’t remember, off the top of my head, which post I wrote about it in. Nonetheless, I read his emails at that time. So, getting back to the present, I tried to access Alex’s phone again and low and behold he had a password on it. I guess he learned from the first time.

I hadn’t a clue what Alex’s password was or could be. I got myself so worked up in a panic, trying to get into his phone, to the point that I had to go take half of a pill (Xanax) for anxiety. (I have Xanax, as I vacation a lot and need it to fly without panicking. I don’t need it much lately though when traveling.) I tried a few obvious possibilities for the password, to no avail. To make a long story short, I hacked his phone. I found a way to crack the code.

Once I got in, I initially went to the incoming mail, looking for everything sent by Carolinah. To my astonishment, I found approximately five tacky, nasty photos of Carolinah, partially clad in flimsy see through lingerie showing t…s and a.. , talking about “lick this” and stuff like that-photos with naked boobs hanging out the lingerie, butt up in the air…just make me barf. I had warned Alex about leaving stuff on his cell phone that no one should see. I guess he ignored me since he put the password on the phone. To top it off, I read one email from Alex to Carolinah in which he said how he wanted to… and to ….her. You could imagine. Was I furious? Of course I was. So what to do now?

Well, the text under one photo of boobs in the see through lingerie said, “Whose melons are these…”  (The photos were from May 2009 around the time Alex, Carolinah and I had the chaotic, turmoil around his and my wedding anniversary.) So I decided to send a reply to Carolinah from Alex’s phone, saying, “They’re not my Ana’s melons because…..” Then I decided to forward all the photos back to Carolinah with replies, and advised her that I was putting the photos on the internet. In one of the replies, under the photo with the naked boobs hanging out, I said, “These are Alex’s slut’s t..s”. There was more, but I’m getting exhausted talking about it now, especially after living it the last two days. This all began yesterday.

Anyway, I didn’t hear from Alex or Carolinah. So at the end of the evening, I emailed Alex and advised him that he had left his cell phone here, and asked when he’d come by to get it. I received no reply and eventually went to sleep, thinking Alex would come get the phone before going into work in the a.m.

To be continued…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Alex and I are about to move forward with polygamy and I hope all who have joined us here at polygamy 411 will continue to travel with us as we enter a New Year 2010. I hope all who have visited have learned more about polygamy and more about him or her selves while joining us here. I know I have learned much tremendously in telling the story of my journey.

I’m excited about what the future will hold for Alex, me and his other wife whether it is Carolinah or someone new (to replace her). I’m beginning to find joy in the prospect that I may be privy to helping Alex select another wife in the future, should Carolinah no longer be a part of his life.

2010 will be a new beginning for everyone, a fresh new start. A New Year always brings with it hope and a sense of enthusiasm for most people.

I hope we all will continue to share our stories, our experiences, and our knowledge of polygamy with one another, and continue to encourage and support one another as we move forward into a New Year.

I thank you all again for joining us here as we say goodbye to another year and hello to our future. I pray God continues to have Mercy on us all.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

This morning I telephoned my husband Alex to discuss where our polygamous marriage is heading, whether we will actually continue to have a marriage. The discussion included the question of whether he would like to have another wife.

I’ve been contemplating what Dr. Omar has said about my marriage, and thought it time for me to be more assertive and direct with Alex about the matter. I advised Alex that I had been consulting with Dr. Omar, and had come to the conclusion that he (Alex) must start accepting Islam in its entirety or I would have to divorce him. I advised Alex that Carolinah (his other wife) would have to start accepting Islam, as well, or else I would have to ask him to divorce her. I advised Alex that if he divorces Carolinah, I would help him find another wife.  He asked, “You would help me find another wife?”  I said, “Yes, one that I would be compatible with, as well.”  Surprisingly (wow), I met with no opposition. Alex was calm, as I was. It all felt right.  I was totally surprised; I was certain Alex was going to flat out say, no way, no how was he going to divorce Carolinah. 

I made it clear to Alex that I am willing to help him find a wife to replace Carolinah; however, I was not agreeing for him to have a third wife. I adamantly informed him, at this time, I am not receptive to him adding a third wife to our union. He indicated he understood.  It sounded for a moment as though he was getting ready to say he didn’t want a third wife, but caught himself. Perhaps he remembered saying to me once upon a time that he didn’t want a second wife. I don’t think he wanted to predict the wrong future again.

It’s truly amazing. In all honesty, I feel I could help Alex find a replacement wife and be happy living polygamy, the three of us (absolutely separate dwellings, of course). It’s been three years now that Alex and Carolinah have been “married,” three years that I’ve grown accustomed to a new way of life, polygamy, with all its many downs. It’s been the same for Alex too; although, he’s probably had more ups (No pun intended).

I stressed to Alex that we could not continue our lives the way we had been living with Islam on the back burner. I explained to Alex that he must not only be willing to make changes in his and my lives, try to grow closer to Allah (Great and Glorious is He), but Carolinah must be on board with making the changes, as well, or it won’t work.  I said he can’t live one way with me (striving to be a Believer) and live another way with her that is un-Islamic. He agreed.  We both concurred that our intention would be to try to grow together, learn and live Islam together. We weren’t exactly sure how we would go about making the changes, as we have no roadmap so to speak, but we agreed we’d figure it out. I figured it out already; our roadmap is the Quran.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

My husband Alex has been away at his other “wife” Carolinah’s home for the last several days. (She had vacation days with him.) I’ve been wondering what has been on Alex’s mind while he’s been gone. In particular, I wondered how he likes living polygamy…what some of his thoughts have been. For instance, I was thinking about whether he’s nice, comfortable, and cozy over there.  I was thinking about whether he was enjoying himself, and wants to continue his life there without having to come back home to me. On the other hand, I’ve been wondering if he’s been miserable, wishing he wasn’t there at all.

Alex called me today and he didn’t sound joyful. He said he had tried to reach me yesterday. I said I was out, which I was. In a nasty tone he said, “What? You’ve been running the streets?” I said, “I don’t run the streets; don’t get confused!” I took offense to his words and the sound of his voice. All the years that Alex and I have been married, he has never talked to me that way. 

Later when I spoke to my friend, I mentioned to him what Alex had said. He stated it sounds like Alex may be having troubles over on the other front. Regarding Alex’s accusation, my friend said men talk to hoes (whores) that way.  So, I don’t know whether something’s going on over there with Alex and Carolinah and Alex is taking it out on me or what, but it aint good. (Excuse me. I just had to use the word “aint”.)  

Several months ago, Alex asked me about the oath that a Muslim husband and wife are supposed to take when one of them suspects the other of lewdness or adultery, when there are no witnesses, and the one wishes to invoke the curse of Allah on himself/ herself, if he/she is being untruthful. I suspected Alex wanted to know so he and Carolinah could take the oath, which means he suspected her of doing something not “kosher”- Halal. 

Come on, really…what could Alex expect from someone who slept with him while he was married to his first wife before he was divorced and she didn’t care, and then wanted to do it a again while he was married to me, but was persuaded to accept Islam so they could do it under the name of marriage? I’ve seen no indication that Carolinah is Muslim, and is striving to be devout, pious, righteous, and modest.

Back to, how does he like polygamy?  I wonder if a polygamous man spends time wondering what his one wife is doing while he’s with the other one. Just like Satan jumps on a wife and whispers evil to her about what her husband is doing to and with another woman, Satan must jump on the husband, as well. If the wife is home with several children, the husband may wonder less about what she’s doing, but what if she has no responsibility to anyone but herself, and can come and go more freely?

Years ago when men practiced polygamy in the days of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), polygamous men and their wives probably lived in close proximity to one another. The polygamous husbands were aware of what was going on with all of their wives, unlike today with wives living in different countries, counties, states, towns, cities, regions etc. than their husbands. I’m assuming the polygamous way of life is so very different from days gone by.

Anyway, I was just wondering how Alex likes living polygamy. I won’t dare ask, of course, as I don’t believe I’d get the absolute truth. Do I really want the truth anyway? Can I handle the truth? Don’t ask questions if you know the answer may trouble you…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Throughout polygamy 411, I’ve spoken much about the bad and ugly regarding polygamy in my life, and very little about the good. Reading the blog may be a little misleading for some, as the timeline isn’t totally clear.  To help clarify things a bit, everyone should note that I began writing the blog in February 2009.  I had been living polygamy for two years and two month already when I began writing the blog. When I began writing about my life living polygamy, nothing much had changed with me over the couple of years. There was no growth. The pain, anguish, and agony were still real. Now, after the last several months of writing, life for me is no where near what it used to be. I thank God much. I just wanted to give that timeline, so that people reading the blog would know I’m not the same person that I was yesterday.

Over the last several months, I have pretty much written about the bad and ugly in my life living polygamy. There has been a lot of good regarding me and my self-development in terms of growth. I’m not as bitter and angry as I was. I don’t obsess over my husband Alex’s second “wife”, Carolinah, the way I used to. He and she are no longer a preoccupation of mine. Of course there are going to be certain things that will cause me distress the same as in any marriage whether the marriage is monogamous or polygamous. One of those things for me happens to be with the schedule. At times there have been heated situations when, for example, “Carolinah” sent Alex home to me a couple of times and demanded he come back to her on my days. There have been times when she decided to take days that were scheduled for me, such as my anniversary. She’s often tried to change the schedule to work around her work schedule. So, yes, the schedule has aggravated and agitated me to no end.  I can’t say that the scheduling problem won’t present its face again; however, I do know Alex is aware that only so much will be tolerated by me anymore regarding the scheduling situation.

As for the good in my polygamous life, Alex and I are not estranged. We have a loving and caring relationship. I look forward to him coming home and he has given me every indication that he enjoys being home. We have fun together, we go to movies, and the theater and we do tropical vacations and cruises often.  We do the things other married couples do. Alex is a good provider. He is home with me when he is scheduled to be. He cooks dinner for me nightly. He makes sure he prepares enough meals for me to have dinner when he’s away with Carolinah (unless he is schedule to be away from me for an extended period of time). Alex has a good heart most of the time. You just don’t know that, as I’ve spoken so much about the bad and the ugly, neglecting the good. When it comes to speaking of the good…there is a lot of good. You just haven’t heard about it.

Referencing the spiritual aspect of our lives, I’m working on trying to communicate with Alex about it. My spirituality is a very important part of my life and I still believe spirituality continues to be fairly insignificant to Alex.

At this time, I can’t speak of any good associated with Carolinah and me and my life living polygamy, as she and I don’t communicate. Furthermore, I have no desire to have any communications with her. My need to confront her and antagonize and torment her no longer exists; it must be part of my growth that I referred to above.

Anyway, I will keep everyone apprised of the good, the bad, and the ugly in my life, as it occurs; however, I think I’ll refrain from boring you with the good that just happens between Alex and me, if it doesn’t directly have anything to do with polygamy. After all, I think if I start hitting you often enough with how Alex and I watched TV while eating Belgium waffles and ice cream, sitting on the sofa, leaning against each other, you all may start running from the blog. LOL

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.