Polygamy 411

Commentator CM, in a comment on my recent post, “Wali Intervenes in Polygamous marriage” , asked  how I am doing.  (Please see my reply

http://polygamy411.com/2009/06/06/wali-intervenes-in-polygamous-marriage/#comment-301)

Until I woke up this morning and found the schedule, I was feeling very good.

What should three people in a polygamous marriage do when the husband is clueless about how to make the schedule?  What should the husband and two wives do when the two wives don’t communicate, won’t communicate and can’t agree on a schedule?

My wali said, Alex, Carolinah, and my scheduling problem is “overwhelming.”  I certainly, not in any way, would not ask my wali to make the schedule.

My wali said polygamy is only for “Believers” ; for anyone else it won’t work.  There would be no harmony, no peace and no tranquility.

What should we do about “The schedule” – Marriage on a schedule?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Again, I called my wali to intervene in Alex and my dispute about our polygamous marriage.  However, this time Alex agreed to the intervention. Alex met my wali at my wali’s home. They were to discuss our ongoing problem with scheduling. The problem this time was that Alex had given Carolinah my days.

The next morning, my wali told me what had happened in the meeting between him and Alex. I hadn’t spoken with Alex, after the meeting. My wali said he and Alex mainly spoke about Islam and our marriage.  He pointed out to Alex that his and Carolinah’s relationship was borderline “fornication” and “adultery”.  He again advised Alex that a man in a polygamous relationship must take the lead or it won’t work.

He brought to Alex’s attention that he (Alex) was more inclined towards Carolinah, as the two of them desired the same thing (to live this-worldly life, according to the dictates of society), and were not  interested in practicing Islam. He advised Alex that he will be held accountable for leading me astray (away from Islam).  My wali reminded Alex that I had never observed non-Islamic holidays, such as the Fourth of July; anniversaries; birthdays etc. until I married him (Alex). My wali advised Alex that things got far worse when he “married” Carolinah. For instance, I began using  profanity etc.

My wali said he refused to look at the (polygamous) schedule that Alex and Carolinah had prepared.  He advised Alex that there are only two holidays in Islam, which are the Eids.  He said nothing should alter the three day schedule (three days with Carolinah and three days with me) other than vacations.  He should schedule nothing else for a celebration.

He advised Alex to schedule an equal number of vacation days for Carolinah and me.  He said no makeup days would be necessary.  He should allow no makeup days.  My wali advised Alex that the Quran is our criteria with which to judge (for instance, he shouldn’t allow Carolinah to send him home to me when she gets angry with him).

I advised my wali that I wanted a fresh start with the schedule. I advised him to let Carolinah keep the days (the Fourth of July weekend days that were mine).  She would have twelve consecutive days with Alex. I agreed the two makeup days that she scheduled to use for her anniversary in December would stay in effect.

My wali telephoned Alex and advised him of the schedule resolution.  I thought we had resolved the matter, finally, once and for all.

I thought we had solved all the problems with the polygamous schedule, but we had not. Alex emailed me on Monday (It was the first time I had communicated with Alex since his telephone conversation with my wali on Saturday. During their conversation, Alex and my wali finalized our (Alex, Carolinah, and my) polygamous schedule) -  so I thought, anyway. In the email, Alex asked if he and I could try again to work things out with the scheduling of days (Three days with Carolinah, three days with me, and vacation days). He now wanted to consult with me, which I thought was nice, but what was left to talk about?  I got busy, though, and didn’t email Alex back.

Alex telephoned me on his way home from work. He asked if I had received the email from him. I said, “Yes” and I basically asked, what is left to talk about? We had worked out the schedule. He said, “No.” He said Carolinah did not like that we attached her three makeup days to her vacation.

Yes. My freak was on. My blood pressure began to boil. My voice rose from loud talk to yelling and yelling turned to… Of course he hung up and of course I kept calling back until I went into voice mail…the story of my life. What happened to our fresh start?

Alex arrived home and the intense arguing continued into the night. I asked Alex why the schedule was an issue again, as he and my wali had resolved the matter.  He said Carolinah wanted to choose her days. I said her makeup days were from 1 year and 8 months ago. (Yes. He was away on business for a year but… ) She had eight months to make up those old days. He said he kept asking her when she wanted to make up the days and she wouldn’t tell him. Alex and I continued to argue for hours off and on.

I got very tired and asked him when she wanted the three days. He said she wanted Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009. I totally lost it again. I said now I have to wait around until the end of the year with these days hanging over my head. I was so frustrated and exhausted I told him to go ahead and schedule the days.

I went and showered. While showering, I remembered all the advice and suggestions everyone had given me on the blog. “Be firm.” “Stick to your guns.” I got out the shower and said to Alex, no way. I wasn’t going with it. The only time we argued usually was about the schedule, Carolinah making changes to it to suit her work schedule etc and I wasn’t going to let it happen anymore.

I advised Alex that I wanted a fresh start, as he and my wali had agreed. I asked why Carolinah was waiting till the end of the year to take her makeup days. He said she had scheduled vacation for around that time, as well. I knew she was manipulating the schedule once again. She’d schedule the makeup days now, but a couple of weeks or so before the makeup days (Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009),  Alex would tell me that she had vacation days schedule around the same time period, as well. So she’d have makeup days on top of vacation days.

She was sneaky and sly. She had done the same thing with the Fourth of July weekend schedule. On January 1, 2009, Alex told me about Carolinah’s makeup days for July 1, 2, and 3, knowing she planned July 4 etc. for vacation. She kept her July vacation secret until a month before, at which time she attached makeup days with vacation (taking my Fourth of July weekend).

Anyhow, I wasn’t going for it this time. I was furious. I didn’t sleep in the bed with Alex that night.

Once and for all we resolved the conflict over our polygamous marriage schedule. So I hope. After a night of intense arguing and sleeping apart from Alex, he emailed me from work the next day. In the email,  he asked me to send him the dates that we had before agreed upon. He said he was putting together a new schedule, and wanted to make sure it was correct.

I telephoned Alex. He said adding days to Carolinah’s vacation was now OK. He stated her 2nd seven days of vacation would be Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2009. She would keep the two makeup days that she had scheduled before for his and her anniversary in Dec. 2009, as well. He said he and I would schedule our 2nd vacation for this year for Sept. or Oct. 2009.  All the previous makeup days owed Carolinah were now reasonably scheduled. So the agreement that Alex and my wali had previously made was left in tacked.

I advised Alex that I was typing up the contract. I said I was putting it in writing so he, Carolinah and I would have no questions in the future about how the schedule works.

I advised Alex the schedule was simple: Three days with Carolinah and three days with me. She and I would each get fourteen days of vacation with him each year. There would be no makeup days, no days for holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, deaths, births, or anything. We could gift days with no makeups, as gifting days is acceptable in Islam. We each would give up days that couldn’t be used.

I advised Alex to confirm all the above with Carolinah, as I don’t want to discuss it with him again. He agreed to consult with her. He thanked me for encouraging him to consult with her, as well.

The polygamous schedule conflict was over. What a relief. There is no foreseeable way Carolinah or I could manipulate the schedule now. Only Alex could manipulate the schedule when scheduling his work (business trips) into it. Insha Allah, I’m not going to worry about that.

Alex came home that evening with the new, revised, and agreed upon schedule. He had fresh red roses with him for me, as well. It was nice!

Mutual consultation in Alex and my polygamous marriage has been a  topics my wali and Alex discussed and Alex and I have discussed. The biggest problem in Alex and my marriage arose when he failed to consult with me about taking a second wife. Alex made up his mind he was going to engage in polygamy without considering me and how I felt about it. I still haven’t recovered from it.

Now, It has happened again.  He didn’t consult with me once again. Alex advised me he was going to need minor surgery. It was nothing serious. It was an outpatient procedure. I asked him when he would schedule it. He said he gave the doctor some dates that he’d be available.

A couple of days later Alex and I arrived home separately, at the same time. I walked him inside while he was on the telephone. He was talking with his mother, and was acting peculiar like I wasn’t supposed to hear the conversation. Later when we entered the house, his relative (step son from his first marriage, now ex-wife) returned Alex’s phone call. Alex advised him that he was going to have surgery on June 30th.

Once Alex got off the phone, I asked him if he had scheduled the surgery. He said, yes, for June 30th. He immediately said his stepson was going to pick him up afterwards. I was fuming, burning up. I asked, “Well just when were you going to let me know? I’m your wife.” I said, “Your mother knows. Your work knows. Your step children know. I’m sure Carolinah knows. Just when was I supposed to know?”

Alex had scheduled the surgery for Carolinah’s day. He would begin his vacation with her then. I’m assuming Carolinah will drop Alex off at the hospital and Alex’s stepson would take him back to Carolinah’s house after the surgery. Where do I fit in or am I supposed to? What, was I supposed to wait until Alex returned home after 13 days of being with Carolinah and find out he had surgery? Or did Alex expect me to sneak into the hospital like some ho (whore) to visit him for his surgery and then go home.

I was furious. How could Alex make all those plans for his surgery, and include all those persons in the plans, and not include me, not even discuss it with me? I told Alex mutual consultation means I am the first person that is to know. I said, “I am your wife. I know before your mother knows, before your job knows, and before your stepson knows.” I advised him that I am to take part in selecting the date he has surgery, the details of where he would recuperate, and his transportation etc. He and I should discuss it all.

I explained to Alex what mutual consultation was, and advised him to stop delivering information to me and start discussing matters with me. I advised Alex that until he gets it in his head and figure out what “mutual consultation” in affairs means, he better stay the #uck away from me. My blood pressure was so high. I checked the mirror in the bathroom and my face and upper chest were so red. My chest was in a rash from the anxiety of it all.

I don’t know the details of the surgery and I refuse to ask. It appears he’ll have the surgery in my absence. If I can’t go respectfully with him as his wife, I won’t go at all.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

When women and men engage in polygamy, do they expect the unexpected? I know no one can consider everything, but do they think of more than just the basics?

Unexpected situations occur in polygamous marriages-situations that are not a problem in monogamous marriages. It is unquestionable. It happens. It is a fact. Let’s consider a medical situation. For instance, which of the wives goes to the hospital and claims the title of wife and signs papers if necessary? In which one of the wives’ houses does the husband recuperate when he is housebound and can’t travel? How are issues like these resolved?

An unexpected situation occurred for me today. Today is Alex’s surgery. Recap:The way I initially found out the date of the surgery and where he’d recuperate was backwards. I was the last to know. What happened to mutual consultation?

I “freaked out” initially about Alex’s failure to consult with me. He failed to communicate with me about a matter that was very, very important; In this case, it was about his surgery. Nevertheless-thank Allah much-I let it go.

Nonetheless, on Sunday, Alex asked me if I wanted to go with him to the medical facility when he has surgery. He said he and his stepson would pick me up. I didn’t answer. He said he’d call me on Monday (the next day) for my answer. I thought, well, he is my husband. I love him, and want the best for him. So I decided, yes. I’d go. But to my surprise he didn’t call me on Monday.

So Tuesday, 11:15 a.m., rolls around and surgery is at 1:00 p.m. I thought to myself; I need to handle this tactfully. So I emailed Alex and asked, “What time are you and your stepson going to pick me up?” He emailed me back and said, “12:30 p.m., Insha Allah.”

Anyhow, Alex, his stepson, and I went to the medical facility. His stepson and I sat talking in the reception area for about three hours while Alex underwent surgery. I felt as though I was talking with my adult son. We had fun.

Alex is happy and well. The surgery was successful. I thank Allah much. He’s at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house for the next nine days or so for recovery (it’s there vacation, as well). I think she’ll take good care of my husband.

Is it common for husbands in polygamous marriages to get confused about the schedule, and wonder which wife’s turn it is?  Well, I experienced it the other day with Alex.

Just to rehash what’s been going on-Alex was away at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house recovering from minor surgery for the last thirteen days.  They were on vacation, as well.  Alex came home to me, “officially”, late yesterday afternoon.  I say “officially”, as I saw Alex a couple of times during his thirteen days away.  I went with him to the medical facility for his surgery and I waited for him.  Alex came by our home to see me for a couple of hours the other day, Wednesday (about one week after his surgery), as well.  He stopped by after his doctor appointment.  It was nice to see him.

The next day (Thursday), Alex telephoned me, and asked me to take something out the freezer for dinner. (OK, I’m baffled now. He’s not due home until tomorrow, Friday.) I advised Alex that he was not scheduled to come home until tomorrow.  He sounded totally dumbfounded, and asked me if I was sure.  Of course I was sure.

I asked Alex why he doesn’t program our marriage schedule into his Blackberry.  He said it’s his work phone and he doesn’t want work to have ccess to that information. I understood.  Anyhow, Alex waited while I checked the calendar, and confirmed his day with me was not until tomorrow (Friday).

That evening, I carefully perused our polygamous marriage schedule again and found another error.  He had me scheduled for four days (at the end of this month) instead of my routine three days. Crazy, crazy, crazy…I emailed Alex, advised him of the error, and advised him to make sure he gets this schedule thing right, as the schedule is the main issue that had recently caused major problems in our polygamous marriage.

Which wife’s turn is it?  Is that an occupational hazard for some husbands in polygamous marriages?  Is it common for polygamous husbands to get confused about the schedule?

At least my husband’s other wife Carolinah can’t manipulate the schedule anymore. Do you think that stripped her of some power?

When a husband has more than one wife and is polygamous, which wife does he take with him when he travels (on a journey) for business.

Alex came home as I had expected. I was in a positive state of mind, and had made it my intent to avoid any type of conflict. Alex was pleasant. He was happy, and was in a good mood. We had a confrontational free evening with no mention of his surgery or his failure to communicate with me about the details of it. (See previous post about our Mutual Consultation conflict.)

The next day, late in the afternoon, Alex telephoned me. He asked me to take a journey with him. He wanted me to go with him on a business trip. It was a three days business trip that he scheduled back in January 2009. Including my regularly scheduled days, the journey would give Alex and me five nights together.

Being totally surprised and totally caught off guard by the invite, I hesitated, but then contemplated. Alex said, if I needed time to think about it, I could get back to him with my answer. I thought, well, what is there to think about, hotel, room service, Alex and me. I said, “Yes. I’ll go.” He said, “Well, get packing.”

Yes. I was happy. I was a bit stressed about the rush packing, but most importantly, I was happy. I felt good knowing Alex wanted me with him. I thought-could it be Allah was extending his Bounty and Mercy to me for my recent efforts to work out an amicable schedule, and keep the warring down between Carolinah, Alex and me. Allah knows best! With hardship, there is ease.

I was most pleased that Alex and I had previously worked out the schedule contract (about Alex, Carolina and me), so there would be no question that my three days on the journey with Alex were Alex’s business days. He would not have to make up the days with Carolinah.

Alex had taken me on business trips (journeys) with him before, during our polygamous marriage. The trips always coincided with my scheduled days. However, this was the first time he decided to take me with him on business on days that were not mine, but were solely his.

In polygamous marriages in Islam, a husband can take a wife with him on a journey. A business trip counts as a journey in today’s society.

Don’t worry. I’m not going to try to ruffle Carolinah’s feathers and text her about my journey (mini getaway) with Alex. I know firsthand how boasting and bragging backfires, and causes major chaos. Anyhow, what good is in boosting and bragging anyway?

I was so at ease with polygamy while I was away with Alex for the last few days. I felt as though my hardship with polygamy was actually softening. I prayed it was not just a passing phase, but a start of a new beginning. With hardship relief does come. With hardship there is ease.

Alex and Carolinah had scheduled a thirteen day vacation; therefore, I was preparing for it. So, to have him spring on me the invite for a mini vacation (business for him) made me feel very special. I really needed it. I welcomed the invite very much. It made me very happy.

The wonderful part about it is I barely thought about Carolinah the entire time I was gone. I mean, superficially she was on my mind, but not heavy-duty like before. Before, she used to haunt me in my thoughts all the time. Living polygamy with Carolinah as a part of my life constantly disturbed me. I wasn’t experiencing the disturbance now. No, I felt lighthearted and  euphoric.

The only time during this trip that I got a bit perturbed was yesterday when we were out having dinner. Alex asked if I had the “schedule” with me. I asked, “What schedule?” I knew what he was referring to (our polygamous marriage schedule.) He said, “Our schedule.” I asked, “As in yours and mine?” He said, “Yes.” I could tell by his expression that he felt he had put his foot in his mouth. I said, “No,” thinking to myself, you Ass hole. I said, “No, I don’t walk around with that “schedule” on me.” I asked him why he asked, thinking he wanted to change something again. I felt the anger in me wanting to rise. He said he wanted to see what weekend he’d be home so we could clean the garage. I guess he has to schedule everything with Carolinah because she works. I advised him that we don’t have to schedule garage cleaning. We could just do it when we felt up to it. At least I didn’t fly off the deep end. I think I’m making progress, slowly but surely.

The lack of enthusiasm from Alex, during Ramadan presented itself once again. There was no Ramadan or Eid spirit in my home this year. Alex displayed no happiness or excitement for Ramadan or the Eid. Eid ul Fitr is one of the two biggest Islamic celebrations of the year. Enthusiasm and excitement for Ramadan had never been there for Alex, as long as I’ve known him. It has gotten worse since he married Carolinah.

I became apprehensive when Ramadan approached this year, knowing Alex’s sentiments or lack of sentiments for Ramadan. I had anxiety about whether Alex would preferred being with Carolinah, prefer  being at her home with non-Muslims where he didn’t have to concern himself about Ramadan. He could eat during the day if he wanted to. I felt terribly inadequate. I think I even felt myself wanting Ramadan over quickly. I felt the burden of  Ramadan on Alex, which so placed a burden on me.

Alex and I didn’t read Quran together, didn’t study together, didn’t worship together or do any of those things during Ramadan this year. We didn’t discuss Islam. He came home right when it was time to break our fast or after it. He’d take his food and break his fast, which seemed like he’d grab a date and sip some water in passing, no reflection about what we had done throughout the day, that we had foregone food and drink – nothing. Don’t get me wrong; we ate breakfast and dinner together, during Ramadan when we were together, but it felt like any other usual breakfast or dinner.

Alex asked me why I could use the computer during the day and he couldn’t watch TV? I advised him that the use of the computer was part of my work. I advised him not to let me prevent him from watching TV, during the daylight hours. With that, he only watched TV in the morning while I was sleeping.

There was no excitement from him at the end of Ramadan either. I text messaged Carolinah yesterday on the day of Eid. I said, “Eid Mubarak!”  “Happy Eid!”  I received no response from her.  Carolinah has never said she was Muslim. Maybe Carolinah, Alex’s and my relationship is not polygamy, as others have commented before.

Is my husband Alex hindering me from the path of Allah with his love for this worldly life, and lack of concern for the Hereafter?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.