Polygamy 411

Alex and my vacation (May, 2009)

Must she go everywhere with Alex and me?

The day before Alex and I left for vacation (May 7, 2009) started off quite nicely.  We went to the movies; after which, we came home and finished packing.  Alex wasn’t his usual self though, not the Alex I’ve always known when we packed for vacations. It was customary for me to observe some stress in Alex, as it is stressful packing and getting ready to leave…the last minute checking everything. You know how it goes.  

This time while packing, Alex appeared angry. He had a mean, ornery look on his face. His anger wasn’t directed at me.  Nonetheless, it was all over his face and it disturbed me tremendously. (Remember where I left off the last time with Alex and my story…it was with “Snap, Crackle and Pop”-our vacation in August 2007).

Yes, Alex shortened our vacation this time-May 2009 (with explanation), which was exactly what I had expected him to do. Remember, Carolinah had a near breakdown the last time that he and I went away for “so long” in August 2007. 

Now, on May 7, 2009, it appeared Alex was thinking of Carolinah while we were packing… so it seemed to me.  I wondered…was she distraught again?  Had they an argument before he left her that morning (May 7, 2009)?  I don’t know.  He said everything was OK when I asked what was wrong.  All I knew is that I didn’t like the look on his face and I was blaming her, Carolinah, for it.

Must we take her everywhere we go?

We landed and arrived at our destination on Friday, May 8, 2009.  The location was gorgeous, extremely beautiful, just picturesque…

All was good, for the moment that is.  Here is where the problem came in:

My understanding is that in polygamous marriages when one wife is happy the other one is usually sad and vice versa.  The husband wants the wives to both be happy at the same time. Is it possible for two wives of one husband to be simultaneously happy…truly happy that is?  Would Alex ever be happy in our polygamous marriage?

Alex still didn’t seem quite himself that evening and I was getting a bit tired of it. The whole time now I’m thinking about our polygamous situation, not about my new found earthly paradise. I’m now thinking I’m with someone who is probably concerned about what’s happening back at home with his other woman…oops…wife.  Was she “breaking down?”  What did she say to him before he left?

So, I go out on the balcony to relish the breath taking view and breathe in the fresh cool breeze, only to go back inside and find Alex on his blackberry. Was he communicating with Carolinah?  Once before when Alex and I were away, Carolinah kept texting me, saying Alex was going to think of her the entire time he was away with me.  Was she intent on making that happen? I began to question what was real and what was imagination…what was going on here?

My Administrative Assistant is scheduled to check-in periodically, here at polygamy 411, to approve comments while I am away on vacation beginning this evening.  I will be back home, and will be able to resume our conversations on Sat., 2/16/09.

Please continue to visit while I’m away, and leave comments. Chat with my assistant, if you’d like.  Perhaps he’ll be able to chat back.

I thank each and every one of you for all your support. You’ve been amazing.  I’m wishing the best for you all. I will miss all my family, friends, and visitors here at polygamy 411 and I look forward to returning to you soon.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

Ana

The more I thought about Alex’s preoccupation with Carolinah or whatever was distracting him at the time-what else could it be?- the more infuriated I got with the two of them.  So what to do now?  OK…Carolinah was giving Alex and me something to think about…let me give her something to think about as well.

So, I texted her… and I texted her… and I texted her. Only some of the things I will tell you that I said.  Some things were just repetitious of what I had said in previous voicemail messages that I sent her.  For instance, I told her to keep imagining what it would be like to have a “real” husband.  I told her to keep trying to convince herself that she has one-a “real” husband. 

But, I think the most disturbing part for her was…I told her that I owned part of her house.  I let her know that if anything were to happen to Alex, I was coming after my equity in her house.  After all, my husband’s monies are helping her pay for her (their) house. Alex’s monetary interest in her house is my interest-it’s called “marital interest”-State, Family Law.  Not once did I forego my marital rights under the laws of the state in which I live.  I guess Alex and Carolinah didn’t consider that when they were planning their marital bliss. 

I advised Carolinah that the insurance policy that Alex had obtained for her was not going to get paid, if anything happened to him. (Alex took out an insurance policy for Carolinah after the two of them first “married.”)  Do you think the insurance company is going to pay that policy when they find out Alex took that policy out for his illegal “wife”-polygamy?

I just wanted to give her something else to think about or to at least make me feel better-which I did.  From those moments on, I began to feel much, much better.  At that moment, I began to begin my vacation.  I gave her something much more serious to think about- not only while I was on vacation- but every day to follow-each and every day.

While Alex and I were away on vacation, I thought we’d be able to discuss our polygamous marriage.  It was an ideal time to discuss it, as we were away from all the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, and were in a calm, relaxing, peaceful environment. 

Since I had been blogging with all of you, it felt easier for me to open up with Alex and take down the shield. I was now, after 2 1/2 years, actually able to say Carolinah’s name to Alex, and not refer to her as “that woman” etc.  Another time when Alex and I were away on vacation (Please see my previous post : “Polygamous Vacation Blues”), Alex and I talked about our polygamous situation and we made progress.  We grew closer; it seemed.

This time, each time I tried to discuss him and her, he shut me down.  He said he wasn’t going to discuss me with her, nor her with me.  He kept telling me to call her, if I wanted to know anything. 

After he told me several times to call her, I said to myself- why not. I still, of course, was cognizant I had recently texted her some not so nice messages. Nonetheless, I thought it might be smooth sailing.  She had not responded to any of my texts, at least not to me, so I thought – perhaps she just blew them off.  Regardless, I decided to reach out to her.

So, I called Carolinah and actually reached her, not her voicemail.  I said, “As Salaamu Alaikum.” She gave me the Salaams back.  I then said I was thinking we could talk.  In an angry tone, she stated, “WE’LL TALK LATER!”  She then hung up. 

 OK…My intention-Never call her again.  To date, I haven’t heard from her.

Alex and my seventh wedding anniversary is this weekend.  Alex, Carolinah and my schedule had been prepared since Jan 1, 2009.  I think I mentioned in a previous post Alex wasn’t supposed to be at my home that day, Jan. 1. He was there as he wanted to change the schedule and stay the night so he could be with Carolinah the weekend.  I sent him back to her.  Who did they think they were?  

Before he left that day, we went over our schedule prepared for the next several months.  He and Carolinah apparently had prepared it. I had previously informed him that I would not make a schedule, but I would approve or disapprove one.   He was scheduled to be with me for six days during our anniversary instead of our usual three days here and three days there. I wasn’t excited about it nor did I ask for it, but- what the heck. He emphasized his desire to spend anniversaries and birthdays with Carolinah and me, each respectively.  

Anyhow, Alex was excited about him and I celebrating our anniversary.  He talked much about it during our vacation last week and when we got home.  He had a surprise planned for us.

Alex called me a couple days ago. He wasn’t expected home until the weekend.  He said he would be home that evening.  I asked why.  He said he’d talk to me about it when he got home.  I asked if he and Carolinah had an argument.  He said, “Yes. What do you think?”  Since he was changing the schedule, I wanted to confirm he’d still be home on the weekend for our anniversary.  He said, ”No.”  He wouldn’t.  I told him that he better not come home then.  He said he was coming anyhow.  I spontaneously said, ”If you come here, I’ll call the cops.”  He said he couldn’t go to Carolinah’s house, as she could call the cops. He said it was legal for him to come to my house.

Alex and I were on the phone arguing for the next few hours or more.  He said Carolinah was upset about the texts that I had sent her and she and he had argued for the last three days.  He said she wanted the schedule to go back to the three days, three days.  She changed her mind about letting him stay with me on a six day schedule for our anniversary.  I asked if he was crazy to think he would spend my wedding anniversary with her.  He said that was the way she wanted it and I shouldn’t have sent the texts.  He said her job gave her off the weekend and she wanted him there with her.

I advised Alex that if Carolinah would not allow him to go there, she forfeited her days.  He said, “No.”  I told him to go stay at his mother’s home or someplace, but he couldn’t come over here.

Talking about blood pressure rising… I thought I’d stroke out or something.  I told him that woman could run his life but she wasn’t going to run mine.  I told him I was calling my friend (Wali).  He freaked out, asking me how I could disrespect him by calling another man.  We went back and forth.  I was hysterical.  I called him so many names, such as “a coward, punk” to put it mildly…there was much, much more, of course.

We telephoned each other back and forth.  He said he was on the phone with Carolinah trying to convince her to change her mind.  I’m like…”ARE YOU CRAZY!”   I told him, if he weren’t here this weekend I was going to go start divorce proceedings Tuesday.  He called me back and said he thought he had convinced Carolinah to leave the schedule as it was, as a contract was to be honored.   

It’s war now!  I’ve calmed down minutely and I’m a bit more rational now.  I am not going to divorce Alex.  I’m going to live in this polygamous marriage and we will see which of the three of us breaks down first.

I’ll keep you posted on whether Alex and I spend our anniversary together this weekend or whether he celebrates my anniversary with Carolinah.

The wait…It was extremely stressful for me, waiting to see if Alex would come home for his and my anniversary.  Although I believed he’d be here, I had no definitive answer. He had refused to give me one. I think you’d agree knowing something with certainty is much nicer than being on edge, wanting, waiting and hoping-not knowing what would be.

Alex telephoned me on his way home, as he normally does, asking if I needed him to pick up anything on his way in. What a relief… Now the wondering was over for me. I suggested we drive to pickup Halal Chinese Food (approx. 4o minutes from our home.)  He was receptive. He came home and dropped off a new vacuum cleaner that I had told him we needed.  We went for the drive, stopped at a bakery, as well, and came back home. It was a good, uneventful evening.

I asked Alex if I should be ready at any specific time or wear anything in particular for our anniversary, which was the next day, as I didn’t know where he’d made plans for us to go.   He said he hadn’t planned anything. He said he thought I had planned something. He said we usually don’t do anything on the holiday weekend; we do something the day before the holiday begins.  That was not absolute.  However, I thought, well, we had gone away on vacation just the week before. We celebrated our anniversary the entire time we were there. The resort helped us celebrate by giving us the royal, special treatment and we had an anniversary package.  So what more could I ask for? 

Nonetheless, the stress was still there…stress… polygamy…added stress. Life is stressful enough. What happens when polygamy is added? … POLYGAMOUS STRESS!

Did Alex’s deception, not telling Carolinah the whole truth that he and I would be away on vacation, celebrating our anniversary, spark the chain of events?  Were my text messages to Carolinah the Catalyst for the dark, thick cloud that hung over what I only days before perceived would be my special weekend-my anniversary?

Carolinah didn’t like that Alex went away on vacation with me, and celebrated his and my anniversary.  She found out from me in my text messages to her. (What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal. What Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.)

So, Carolinah decided to take matters in her own hands, as you already know.  There was total turmoil, immense confusion in our (Carolinah, Alex’s and my) lives for a while.  But, Alex did come home as originally scheduled and the night was still; however, what happened the next couple days? 

When a husband entertains taking direction from one wife when he has two, what type of an effect does that have on a marriage?  A second wife tells her husband that she doesn’t want him there and tells him to go to his first wife; she then tells him when to come back home to her (the second wife)-is that an innovation?

Please tell me where in Islam it is indicated a wife can dictate the comings and goings of her husband and in essence take control of the life of the husband’s other wife, as well…