Polygamy 411

Should a wali be a protector of a woman in a polygamous marriage?  More often than not, a woman in a polygamous marriage who does not have someone to look after her interests and concerns, with respect to her being treated fairly and kindly by her husband, falls victim to the husband’s abuse. The abuse could be psychological, emotional or physical.  Nonetheless, it is abuse. 

When a husband knows there is a male figure in the wife’s family (father, brother, uncle) or a wali who will confront the husband and hold him accountable for his treatment of the wife, there is less chance of total mistreatment of the wife by the husband.  In a case where the wife has no Muslim family member, a wali would probably be a good substitute.

A man is supposed to be the ”maintainer and protector” of women. A wali could be the man that maintains and protects a woman that needs an intermediary in polygamous marriages. I think a wali’s intervention would serve somewhat as a check and balance system.  A wali can help keep a man in check, and balance the situation, so to speak. My understanding is that a wali’s position is that of a guardian or guide. Please correct me, if I am wrong. 

In cases where a woman has no extended family, no male family member, nor a wali, laws of States or Countries are good to enforced and help protect the rights of wives in polygamous marriages. What do you think?

I recently received a comment in reply to a question that I asked when I first began this blog: “I’ve heard that most men who practice polygamy usually have a very kind heart. What do you think?”

Initially when I first began writing this blog, I found myself leaning towards writing superficially. I wanted to paint Alex as a good, kind hearted person of perfection. Needless to say, I quickly caught myself, brought myself back to reality, and remembered to keep my story real, not sugar coat it, nor clean it up to make it sound good.

I wonder if it was natural for me to want to defend Alex. I thought about women who have experienced domestic violence and how, more often than not, they defend their husbands. The husband might have thrown her down a flight of stairs, blackened her eye, and left her with black and blue bruises all about her body, etc… You’ve heard the stories. And yet, afterwards she says something like: He’s a good man.  He loves me.  He treats me real good.  He’s wonderful. He just did those things because blah, blah, blah…but he really didn’t mean it.

Emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, says the experts with training in the field of ”Domestic Violence.”  I asked myself if there is some similarity to the way I sometimes think of Alex and the way women of domestic violence think of their husbands. I mean, after all, why would I praise a man who took another wife against my wishes, without compassion for me, without consulting with me, and watched me suffer day in and day out?

Do some wives in polygamous marriages, like women in domestic violence, put up a defense mechanism, as well?  In a previous post I spoke about “Why I stay” in my marriage.  Why I stay should not prevent me from recognizing who Alex is.  I need to be careful to whom I give praise.  I caught that early on in my writings.

All praise is due to Allah.

“Cheating” is the cause of many divorces in America.  Most women in America have so little patience and tolerance for “sharing” men.  It usually only takes one time for most women to find out their boyfriends or husbands are “cheating” on them and they end the relationships, separate, or divorce.

So when a woman is forthcoming and makes no qualms that she doesn’t want polygamy from the day she first met her husband to be or lets him know that she does not like living it when it happens and he does it anyhow or doesn’t care, base emotions like jealousy, envy, bitterness, anger or hatred on the wife’s part could sky rocket out of control.  

Just imagine what it must be like for some women to experience the reality of “cheating”, so it seems, every few days like clock work.  Still after eight months of living polygamy it felt like ”cheating” to me.  But instead of it just happening one time, it felt like it kept happening again and again and again-like a crazy yo yo game.

Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, I’ll accept Allah’s decision with enthusiasm and Carolinah and I, if it pleases Allah, will become like “sister-wives.”  “Sister-wives”-I like the way that sounds.

Self-restraint is undoubtedly needed for many wives that practice polygamy?  Sometimes emotions run wild in women who were not receptive to polygamy, but were thrust into it.  Some of us (not all) need a lot of self-restraint to keep our emotions in check.

Many people just don’t understand why many wives in polygamy can’t live in peace and harmony with one another. Perhaps total peace and harmony is not to be expected between wives, however, many people expect a better degree of peach and harmony than usually exists.

I think some people just aren’t that much in control of their emotions, as much as they’d like to be…thus often there are “cat fights,” domestic violence”, harassment (telephone calls, mad texting, drive-bys), threats, assaults. I’m speaking now of emotions of people in general, not specifically polygamy. I thank Allah much that He never let me lose “control” of my emotions to the extreme and I pray for His protection from losing that “control” in the future.

I guess my point is for example: Cain killed Abel; Joseph’s brother’s threw him in the well; Abraham’s wives didn’t get along.  Emotions are real and we must all battle with keeping them under “control.” 

We have an Order from a Higher Authority (Allah) to exercise self-restraint. I think I’m safe in saying we all try to exercise self-restraint as best we can. Sometimes, perhaps many times, we fall short.  It’s just not always that easy for us all to get along…So, sometimes there is a lot of friction between wives that share husbands.

I have received many questions about husbands from both single Muslim sisters and Muslim wives in polygamous marriages - questions such as: Does a husband feel more inclined to be with one of his wives more than the other?  Is there something in particular that he likes more about the one wife than the other that makes the inclination strong?  Does the excitement of having more than one wife wear off quickly or is the feeling pretty much constant?  Is he happy in polygamy?

Here at polygamy 411, Muslim women would like to hear some of the husbands’  thoughts on polygamy, and some of their answers to the questions posed above.

Some of the first persons I turned to when my husband married another woman were my family, Alex’s family, my few friends, and a co-worker that told me everything that I wanted to hear. I got all the support I needed, at the time. They told me, for example: “You’re legal; she’s not”.  “She’ll end up with nothing”.  ”You could take everything from her, if he passes away”. ” She’s just his girlfriend/mistress”. “He’s committing adultry”. 

better - for more than just the moment?

Do our thoughts interfere with our happiness? How often have we sat around thinking about what someone is doing with someone else?   

Not being able to control the thought waves of our minds could be a source of mental anguish for wives living polygamy.  Thoughts of  polygamy occurring in our lives could be a preoccupation or obsession, even before we get married  

Have we been confusing imagination with the whispers of Satan? Do we live too much in our minds, listening to Satan?

(Next to Damascus, Aleppo (Halab) is the second largest city in Syria.)

Many times polygamy is a very arduous, difficult experience, and a struggle for a man-just as it is for a woman-from what I have seen and heard.  Satan whispers to Muslims that Polygamy is full of bliss for the husband.

I’ve also heard that most men who practice polygamy usually have a very kind heart.  What do you think?

A Muslim friend advised me that many Muslim men that  have more than one wife do not realize they had no choice in the matter. It was written before they were born that they would have more than one wife at a time, practice polygamy. 

Men make excuses for practicing polygamy the same as women make excuses for not wanting men to practice it. The thing of it is-no excuse is usually good enough for women and men do not need an excuse. Allah made it permissible for men to have more than one wife, and gave him the physical and mental capabilities to do so.

When women hear men say they engage in polygamy to help humanity, it sounds like… “going Green” or “saving the planet.”  Don’t get me wrong; those are wonderful objectives.  

The only true reason a man could give for having more that one wife is- ”It is Allah’s decision;  It pleased Allah!” Can we really argue with that?