Polygamy 411

When a husband has decided that he will exercise his right and engage in polygamy (in Islam), should his first wife help him select a second wife? I have read material in which people have recommended that a first wife participate in the decision making process of selecting a second wife for her husband.

Regarding me, I think I should not be privy to participate in the selection. First of all, I am not the person that would be marrying the woman. My husband is the one that has to be attracted to her. He is the one that will have to live with her, love her, and have sexual relations with her, have intimate conversations with her, and spend his wealth on her, and more. 

I contemplated the reasons that a first wife would want to be part of the selection process, and whether there is a valid reason for her participation, in Islam. Does it really matter whether the first wife likes the potential second wife or not?  What does the first wife’s likes and dislikes regarding the potential second wife really have to do with her husband liking the woman?  Does the first wife have to do any of the above mentioned acts with the second wife?

A first wife’s need for involvement in selecting her husband’s second wife could serve a primary purpose that I could see; it would be control. She could prolong the process by not being able to agree on a suitable person. She could select someone that her husband entirely does not want, and wouldn’t be happy with. She could attempt to sabotage the marriage to someone her husband does have a sincere interest in and desire to marry. I know this for a fact; I wanted to meet my husband Alex’s prospective second wife so I could attempt to influence the relationship in some negative way. 

I see a benefit in a current wife not getting involved in the selection. If the marriage to the second wife is not successful, the husband cannot look to the first wife to blame if he doesn’t like the new wife. After all, it was his decision.

Please do not misunderstand me.  I am not talking about mutual consultation. I believe firmly that a husband should consult his first wife about his decision to engage in polygamy and if he is “kind” give her some time to adjust to the decision before he rushes off into it.

I think a husband should introduce his first wife to the potential second wife, as well, so first wife and potential second wife could communicate if they choose to do so. But I think the selection process as to whom he marries should be entirely the husband’s decision. There is nothing wrong if a husband requests his first wife’s assistance, but to say it should be a right of a first wife, I beg to differ. 

What do you think the benefits would be for a first wife assisting her husband in choosing his second wife?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I’ve often wondered about rivalry between wives in polygamy, wives that have the same husband, but the wives live in separate dwellings. I consider my husband Alex’s wife, Carolinah, to be my rival. We compete with one another for Alex’s attention and more. For example, she had concerns about me being his “favorite” wife.  I had concerns about her manipulating our marriage schedule.

I think what can keep rivalry under control in polygamy is the wives not being that familiar with each other. I don’t know Carolinah, and haven’t been inside her home; I can’t size her up, nor take inventory of her possessions.  I can’t accuse Alex of giving Carolinah more or less than he gives me. I don’t have to compare myself to her regarding weight and figure, as I don’t see her.  Is it true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you? 

Whether the wives see each other or not, I don’t think it completely does away with the rivalry.  It’s natural for me to want to be the better fit, more attractive wife, simply because I have a love for fitness and nutrition. I still think wives in polygamy compete for the attention, love and affection of their husbands in numerous ways, even in the bedroom, each probably wanting to be the more seductive wife, the more desired wife. 

In the previous post I questioned whether wives in polygamy are friends. Can wives in polygamy be sincere friends with each other when they are rivals?  I know in my past dealings with rivals in my life, friendship was not something I was trying to achieve with my competitors.  I was trying to find out what they looked like, what they thought, what they liked and disliked, what they were like, and how they interacted with  the person that we wanted to be with etc. I wanted all that information to allow me to gain the upper hand.  

Are wives rivals…wives married to one man?  Is true, sincere, friendship between rival wives possible?  What are the thoughts going on in the heads of those rival wives when they communicate with each other?

My interest in knowing more about Carolinah and meeting her stemmed from a desire to know how we compared. What does she look like?  Is she overweight or thin? Is she intelligent?  Where does she live? Since Alex never allowed me to meet Carolinah and she refused to meet me, I had to conduct my own investigation.  The one thing I can say is I should be grateful that Alex has Carolinah as his other wife. I can’t imagine how much more devastated I would have been had Alex’s second wife been a very young, beautiful, educated, personable woman. 

I still view Carolinah and me as rivals.

Since the day my husband Alex married another woman Carolinah and became polygamous, I wondered if she and I needed to be friends.  Is there a need for polygamous wives to be friends with each other or one another when they share a husband? 

The answer to the question for me is “No!”-not only because I don’t like Carolinah, but because I believe there is no reason for me to be her friend in Islam. I understand polygamous wives that live together have a need to befriend one another for peaceful living conditions.  Is there the same need for friendship between the wives when they don’t live in the same household with each other?

One thing I believe I need to do regarding Carolinah is to say “As Salaamu Alaikum” to her and return the greeting if and when she says it to me. I think I should be kind and cordial to her, if we ever communicate, and shouldn’t bother her otherwise. 

Are we to be best friends to every Muslim we meet?  If not, then what makes my husband’s wife any different than other Muslims?  Oh, she’s his wife…so what.

Instructions are given to men in Islam that opt to engage in polygamy. I have come across no instructions for me as a Muslim female with regards being married to a polygamous man.  

Should I try to make life easier for my husband Alex by befriending his other wife Carolinah?  Would being her friend actually make my husband’s life easier or more complicated?

My husband’s wife Carolinah and I are not friends, nor do I desire to be her friend.  Why do wives of polygamous men befriend their husbands’ wives?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I’ve come across numerous articles on the web, referencing the comparison of polygamous marriages to gay marriages. Some people are voicing the opinion that if gay marriages are legalized, polygamous marriages should be as well.  I just couldn’t see the correlations between the two. I didn’t contemplate it much. I just thought it was a bazaar comparison. Now giving it some consideration, I still think the two are not quite relevant.

Gay marriages are a lot like monogamous heterosexual marriages-the only difference is the persons in Gay marriages are of the same sex.  Still, there are only two Gay persons married to each other at one time. Gay couples that marry would receive the same rights under the USA state, family/domestic laws etc, and would be given the same rights as any heterosexual married couple. 

Should polygamous marriages be legally recognized in America, if Gay marriages are?  Well, I think polygamous marriages should not be on the same agenda as Gay marriages. To legalize polygamy, the USA would have to revamp the laws of the country-Family Law, health care, benefits, just to name a few.

Divorce Courts and Family Courts in the USA have an overwhelming caseload. They can barely keep up. They are totally backlogged with cases. Sometimes it takes three to four years or more for couples to get legally divorced in America.

Why would America want to take on the overwhelming burden of mediating polygamous marriages? How is it feasibly possible for the court system in America to figure out what going on in polygamous marriages? 

America gives man the right to exercise his religious freedom by putting its blinders on when it comes to polygamy, unless the polygamous marriages have allegation of abuse associated with them. America steps in if those engaged in polygamous marriages breach the laws referencing the protection of women and children from child abuse, domestic violence etc, bigamyor if there is abuse of the system, including welfare fraud and the like.

What are your thoughts?

Is an inferiority complex common in women who marry married men?

When I first began living a polygamous life, I searched for help everywhere on the net. I came across a statement that made me say, wow, and made me question the truthfulness of the statement. I copied the statement, and save it for Alex (My husband) to read. It read as follows:

“They end up becoming second or third wives. How? The answer: Pity and a need for self-worth. Some women grow up depressed, have always been mistreated, or are just plain lonely. The only time they feel good about themselves is when they are helping someone else. Now you know women like this. At college, these are the those girls that come into where the boys are sitting, take everyone’s order for what they want from McDonalds and then go and buy food for everyone; and they don’t just do this once, they do it all the time.

Doing stuff for others make them feel needed; and being needed gives them self-affirmation. When a man who wants a second wife come across such women, all the men have to say to them is “Dear Bla Bla, my life with my current wife has been quite miserable. We do not click at the intimacy level. I was forced to marry her to make my mother happy. I really wish I was given the opportunity to be an individual and to pick my own wife: I’d pick you! But alas, I cannot divorce her because she’s reliant on me. The only option is for you to be my second wife!” Women who have for too long served other people, want, out of pity, and their own need, to help this poor guy out and, quite often, acquiesce into becoming his second wife. They don’t realize how horribly they have been manipulated. The sad truth is that they have, almost throughout their whole life, been manipulated like this.”

Please remember-those were not my words. It’s a quote.

How much truth is there in what was said? Does being a second, third or fourth wife make a woman feel inferior to the first?

Umm Ibraheem’s statement, as a commenter here at polygamy411, inspired me to write this post.

I have threatened divorce repeatedly throughout the two and a half years that I have been in my polygamous marriage, married to Alex.  The threats began from the day Alex told me that he was going to take a second wife (marry Carolinah), and continued up until very recently, just a little over one month ago.  Of course my threats of divorce made to Alex were more frequent in the beginning of our polygamous marriage, but declined over time.

I felt wanting a divorce was a natural initial reaction for me-somewhat like a reflex, a knee jerk reaction you might say.  If I never accepted polygamy from day one of learning that it was a right for a man in Islam, how could I so readily accept it upon learning by surprise polygamy was about to become a reality in my life.

I threatened to divorce Alex so many times for quite a few reasons.  I thought perhaps by saying I wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t actually engage in polygamy; he wouldn’t marry Carolinah.  I then thought I’d torment him and cause him much hurt and pain by proposing divorce to him.  I suppose I liked knowing he still loved me, as well.  He let me know so sincerely-the art of persuasion-that he didn’t want a divorce.  Persuading me didn’t take much.  I just needed to know he still loved me. Alex not wanting a divorce was proof enough for me, coupled with acting in a loving and affectionate manner.

Even when Alex was away on business for a whole year (from Sept. 2007 – Sept. 2008), I still found myself speaking of divorce to him in emails.  It was during that time that I sought legal counsel from a divorce attorney.  Divorce kept resurfacing in my thoughts every now and again when I thought about my polygamous life, and didn’t like living it.  I never liked living polygamy.  Now, today as I write (July 14, 2009) living polygamy is much easier for me.

Over the last two and a half years of living polygamy, I have weighed the pros and cons of divorcing Alex.  The good of staying married to Alex far outweighs the bad.  The only good that I could think of in divorcing Alex is the fact that I wouldn’t be living polygamy anymore.  And I’m now beginning to wonder if not living polygamy would be very good for me, as I’m beginning to appreciate some benefits of living it…benefits I was aware of before, but didn’t give a flying xxxx (if only I could use obscene language here) about.

I’m hopeful not to threaten divorce to Alex again.  I wouldn’t want him to surprisingly take me up on the offer, and cause more drama in my world.  We must be careful threatening divorce.  My mom (she was monogamous) divorced my dad.  She still loved him though.  She thought he’d come crawling and begging his way back, but he didn’t.  You might wonder what my mom’s monogamous marriage has to do with my polygamous marriage.  Her love for my dad after their divorce till the day he died (27 years later) showed me how divorce can backfire.

Should a wali be a protector of a woman in a polygamous marriage?  More often than not, a woman in a polygamous marriage who does not have someone to look after her interests and concerns, with respect to her being treated fairly and kindly by her husband, falls victim to the husband’s abuse. The abuse could be psychological, emotional or physical.  Nonetheless, it is abuse. 

When a husband knows there is a male figure in the wife’s family (father, brother, uncle) or a wali who will confront the husband and hold him accountable for his treatment of the wife, there is less chance of total mistreatment of the wife by the husband.  In a case where the wife has no Muslim family member, a wali would probably be a good substitute.

A man is supposed to be the ”maintainer and protector” of women. A wali could be the man that maintains and protects a woman that needs an intermediary in polygamous marriages. I think a wali’s intervention would serve somewhat as a check and balance system.  A wali can help keep a man in check, and balance the situation, so to speak. My understanding is that a wali’s position is that of a guardian or guide. Please correct me, if I am wrong. 

In cases where a woman has no extended family, no male family member, nor a wali, laws of States or Countries are good to enforced and help protect the rights of wives in polygamous marriages. What do you think?

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This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Why do men engage in polygamy in 2009?  I’m referring to a man who has more than one wife and each wife lives in a separate dwelling. I’ve thought about it for some time now.

The Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives all lived close to one another. With regard to families back then, I’d imagine they emphasized  feeding and clothing wives, and providing them with spiritual guidance. With gross materialism in the world today, there is much more involved in maintaining and protecting women in 2009. How does a man find the time to do all that he needs to do?

I’ve thought about my husband Alex and me, for instance. Regarding maintenance, I’ve noticed a difference since he’s been married to Carolinah. Things he used to do such as unpacking and putting suitcases away after we return from trips and vacations, he doesn’t do readily anymore.  Usually we get home so late from traveling and he’s due at Carolinah’s home the next day. So things are left undone until he returns. It has taken him a month or more to do little things such as put a battery in the huge clock on the wall. I know what I’ve described seems insignificant, but it all begins to mount.

I try not to pressure Alex to do anything, as I know he has a lot on his plate. He has a lot of responsibilities. He has my household, Carolinah’s household, his job, and his mother and her home. By the way, his mother is in the hospital as I write.  So, I pretty much leave Alex alone. After all, I don’t want him to snap, crackle, or pop.

Next comes the protection part. I wonder how Alex could protect me in the time of an emergency, if he’s with Carolinah on her night. It’s not like he lives next-door and can come over and help me. I’ve decided I intend to do whatever I need to do, if an emergency arises when Alex is not home. I intend not to call him, even if someone in my family dies. When it comes down to me having to do for myself all the time, I have to ask myself why I need Alex…Is sex the only thing I need him for?

My friend whom I have referred to so often said a man should support and protect his wives in a spiritual way.  They should study Islam together, learn together,  read Quran and pray together. They should  worship together. The husband is to give his wives good Islamic advice and guidance to help them in their journey to Paradise.

I get no Islamic guidance from Alex. We do none of the things mentioned above. Alex’s conversations consist of discussing more educational degrees that he wants to earn, his professional work and retirement plans for the future, his recreational plans and physical fitness plans. His conversations all pertains to his pursuit of worldly pleasures, and not the pursuit of Paradise. He never encourages me to strive for Paradise. Every now and again Alex spouts off something from an Islamic perspective when he knows I’ve become frustrated with his lack of Islamic focus in our marriage. I become very frustrated knowing Islam is a way of life and  part of everything I do, but Islam is not Alex’s way.

I would suggest that Muslim men who contemplate becoming polygamous seriously consider whether they can support and protect more than one wife in 2009 or whether they enter polygamy to satisfy some of their selfish desires.

Are there any wives who feel a lack of maintenance and protection from their husbands, and would like to share some of their experiences or thoughts?  Are there any men willing to take a stance on this topic?  Thoughts of everyone who would like to comment are welcome.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

I recently received a comment in reply to a question that I asked when I first began this blog: “I’ve heard that most men who practice polygamy usually have a very kind heart. What do you think?”

Initially when I first began writing this blog, I found myself leaning towards writing superficially. I wanted to paint Alex as a good, kind hearted person of perfection. Needless to say, I quickly caught myself, brought myself back to reality, and remembered to keep my story real, not sugar coat it, nor clean it up to make it sound good.

I wonder if it was natural for me to want to defend Alex. I thought about women who have experienced domestic violence and how, more often than not, they defend their husbands. The husband might have thrown her down a flight of stairs, blackened her eye, and left her with black and blue bruises all about her body, etc… You’ve heard the stories. And yet, afterwards she says something like: He’s a good man.  He loves me.  He treats me real good.  He’s wonderful. He just did those things because blah, blah, blah…but he really didn’t mean it.

Emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, says the experts with training in the field of ”Domestic Violence.”  I asked myself if there is some similarity to the way I sometimes think of Alex and the way women of domestic violence think of their husbands. I mean, after all, why would I praise a man who took another wife against my wishes, without compassion for me, without consulting with me, and watched me suffer day in and day out?

Do some wives in polygamous marriages, like women in domestic violence, put up a defense mechanism, as well?  In a previous post I spoke about “Why I stay” in my marriage.  Why I stay should not prevent me from recognizing who Alex is.  I need to be careful to whom I give praise.  I caught that early on in my writings.

All praise is due to Allah.