Polygamy 411

I am a bit concerned with where exactly polygamy is leading Muslim men, particularly my husband Alex, in the 21st century.  Is polygamy in Islam an obstacle to Paradise for some Muslim men? It seems to me that Alex has added a huge burden to his life, as he now has a second wife, Carolinah, and has the challenge of dealing with us as equals.  One marriage is a tremendous trial in and of itself for a man without adding a second marriage.

I think in 2009, having only one wife gives a man a better chance to enter Paradise.  Life is not as simple today, regarding marriage, as it was in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him). Living conditions are not the same. Some wives married to the same man don’t live in close proximity to each other, so the man has to travel farther.  It’s significantly more costly to clothe, feed and house wives today than it was years ago. How do men manage and maintain two households, two women or more, with all the stressors of modern day, today?

An additional obstacle to a man in Islam entering Paradise could be regarding the controversy that exists about when and why polygamy is permissible.  Some Islamic scholars and theorist believe polygamy was permitted to ensure the welfare of orphans. Polygamy was linked to the treatment of orphans and it was believed that men were given the responsibility of managing the welfare of orphaned children. If the men were incapable of doing so in a just manner, they could take them as wives to avoid any unjust mismanagement.

So, if the above is the case, what will become of the man who married a second wife that was not widowed with orphaned children? Some scholars believe he should have married the second wife to prevent unfair treatment of her orphans. An orphan has been defined as a juvenile who has not reached puberty, and has lost his or her father, and lives with his mother.

Granted, there are cases where polygamy could be a means to help a man enter Paradise, if he is charitable, helping a woman with children, and the like. But, truly, I would like to know how many men are practicing polygamy to seek the good pleasure of Allah SWT and how many men are practicing polygamy merely to seek their own good pleasure.

I think a safer, easier route for a man to take when striving for Paradise may be monogamy. I wonder whether many men consider that polygamy in Islam may be an obstacle to them entering Paradise. What do you think?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Have a happy, blessed Ramadan!

For all persons here, friends, family, readers, and visitors who do not know, I’m referring to the Holy Month of Ramadan (the holy month of fasting for Muslims), which is beginning.  Please click on the link below to view President Obama’s Ramadan  Message. It should be helpful for those interested in knowing more about Ramadan.

I thank you all for your warmth, love, encouragement and support. I pray Allah have mercy on us all.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

President Obama\’s Ramadan message

I understand some Muslims are entering marriage contracts in which a clause(s) is added that forbids the husband from practicing polygamy, during their marriages. The man agrees he would not marry another woman while married to the first wife.

I think a clause(s) in an Islamic marriage contract forbidding the husband from taking another wife is haram (not lawful).  Allah SWT has made polygamy permissible, so who would I be to add a clause to my marriage contract stating my husband couldn’t take another wife while married to me.

I think it is perfectly OK for it to be indicated in the contract that the husband would consult the wife if he decides he’d like to engage in polygamy and that he would be compassionate enough to give the first wife amply time to adjust to the decision and decide whether she’d like to stay married to him.

Putting a clause in the contract forbidding the husband from practicing polygamy during the course of the marriage amounts to a woman telling Allah SWT that she doesn’t like a portion of the book (Quran) and she rejects it. It’s like her saying I accept everything you say, but I don’t like polygamy, so I’m not having it.  I think it becomes a serious situation when we start picking and choosing parts of the Quran that we want to accept and rejecting other. I’d caution Muslims to be careful in engaging in marriage contracts that prohibits polygamy.  We shouldn’t make unlawful what Allah has made lawful. We don’t know what Allah SWT has decided for us for tomorrow.

Do we sometimes become like Iblis (Satan), become arrogant and tell Allah SWT what we’ll accept and won’t. Allah SWT made polygamy permissible, so who are we to make polygamy impermissible for our husbands.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

We know there are secret wives in Islam. Are secret wives viewed as mistresses, as well? What are the benefits of a woman being a secret wife in Islam? Polygamy is permissible in Islam. Islam permits a man to have more than one wife at one time simultaneously, as long as the number does not exceed four at a time.  So, why would a man keep his second wife a secret from his first wife and family, his related family, maybe even her family, and society? Keeping polygamy a secret is an issue in and of itself, but what happens when a secret wife is added to the secrecy of polygamy?

There are men who keep secret wives in Islam as they know or believe their first wives would not approve of them having second wives. They don’t want to displease their first wives and families or their related families. The woman that he wants to be with besides his first wife becomes his secret wife, the equivalent of mistress, as it is a secret marriage.

Islam elevated the status of women and allowed Muslim men to marry them as second, third and fourth wives.  In Islam, the marriage (Nikah) should be made known to the public, and should be followed by a Walima feast-Is that not so?  The Islamic system rules and regulations encourage modesty and Chastity and make an effort to close all loopholes of evils and corruption. Isn’t this the reason Islam regard publicity of marriage (Nikah) very essential?  The marriage should be publicized to close all loopholes through which immorality can gain access in society.   

If the marriage is not given publicity, people would bring their illicit sexual relationships also under marriage, thus opening a backdoor for the sin to find access to society.  Modesty and chastity are the objects of marriage and not the gratification of sexual appetite alone.

If a husband does not let society know that he has a second wife, does it not open the door for people to suspect the man of having an affair and the woman as being his mistress?  Does a man that has a secret wife deprive that wife of the honor and respect of being known as wife? Polygamy is many times secretive. Do some people add secret wives to the secret lifestyle of polygamy?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Women that are married and living secretly as first or second wives in Islam are a reality that is totally new and foreign to me.  Until recently, I was unaware it exist, and is prevalent amongst Muslims in Islam.  Lately, I have been reading much here and there from and about women who say they are wives, living secretly as ”secret wives.”  The realism of secret wives to me is astounding as is the idea of polygamy for some people.

Anyhow, I’ve been thinking much about secret wives, giving the concept a good deal of attention. I understand there are cultural differences that come into play with being secret wives, as well.  I am learning and I am interested in knowing more.  

From what I have gathered thus far, some women are secret first wives or second wives due to demands placed on sons by their parents, more particularly their mothers. A parent selects a certain woman or type of woman for her son to marry. The parent doesn’t approve of the woman that the son loves and wants to marry, thus the disapproved of wife becomes the son’s secret first or second wife. The son doesn’t want to disrespect his mother so he marries the disapproved of woman secretly. I think I’ve even heard it referred to as Paradise being at the foot of the mother, which is why “respect” is so important, if I’m not mistaken.  This is where I am puzzled.

The son still married the woman that his parents, more specifically his mother, disapproved of, and essentially disrespected his parents or his mother.  The son had placed so much emphasis on respecting his mother, but at the same time disrespected her. If the parent’s approval of his mate was so crucial and his parent didn’t approve of a certain woman for him to wed, why did he marry the (secret) woman? Just because the parent doesn’t know about the secret wife, it makes it OK?  If the son was so concerned about the welfare of his mother and gaining or maintaining her respect, why does not the son only marry the woman that his mother approved of?

I guess I’m just confused. I thought Islam elevated the status of women, and allowed a man to marry more than one woman so the woman would be respected with the title of wife and be known as such. What has it come to when men tuck women away as secrets, and cause women to take on the characteristics of “mistress?”

Are secret wives victims of selfish, manipulative, controlling, lustful, deceitful men that prey on the emotions and vulnerability of women, men that take advantage of a woman’s gentle, loving nature?  When did wives in Islam become secrets? I thought Islam elevated the position of women, gave women full protection, respect and honor by their husbands, children and society.

I was just wondering, pondering the secrets of secrets.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

Polygamy is costly. A vast majority of people probably know how costly polygamy could be without having to live it. When I speak of how costly polygamy is, in this particular post, I’m referring to the husband that actually provides for and maintains his wives that live in separate households.  I am not referring to the husbands that let the “system” pay for their wives or the husbands that don’t provide and maintain at all, the ones that are in what I would describe as similar to the polygamy dating game, moving from one home to another without any financial responsibility.

I tried to explain to my husband Alex just how costly polygamy could be. I can’t remember whether I admonished him before we became polygamous or only after. I was so devastated about he, she, and me becoming polygamous; consequently, I may not have broached the subject prior to our polygamous marriage.  Nonetheless, immediately after he married Carolinah, I tried to explain to Alex that he was no millionaire and that many persons with one household were struggling to make ends meet.  But no…he thought he had it all figured out. I told him that if things get tough, he had better not even think about cutting me (reducing the monies he gives me); he had better cut her (Carolinah).

Now tough economic times have hit us in America. What to do? I like organic food; it’s nothing new. When Alex and I got married, I went all out organic. I’ve always been health conscious since I could remember. Well, a short while ago or so, Alex began bringing home non-organic food. Organic products are very costly; most people probably know (I’m not trying to insult any one’s intelligence. I’m just trying to be clear). I asked Alex what he was doing bringing that stuff home, as he knows I eat organic.  He said, “Well buy your own if you want organic.”  On another few occasions he started bringing home store brand products.  I don’t do store brand (no offense to anyone).  I’m not liking what’s going on now. What?  I have to change my lifestyle because the reality of how costly polygamy is has set in and times are hard.  NO! I DON’T THINK SO!

Alex said to me on a few occasions that he was trying to cut costs in every way he could think of. It was as though he was asking me for help or suggestions. I had none. I’m thinking-look, you wanted polygamy. You got it. Now figure out how you’re going to pay for it.  I said nothing.  I’m not going to suggest he cut anything over here (with me).  I wanted to say-you need to get rid of that extra butt. But no, I don’t want to be blamed by him, if he does leave her. So I opted for the silent treatment.

Anyhow, the other day I emailed Alex (It was Carolinah’s turn to be with him). I explained to him that he is to add to my life, not take away. I advised him that I ate organic before, and was going to continue to eat it now. After he tried that whole door closing thing on me (Carolinah likes the doors in her home closed), I’ve began to fume. I advised him not to impose his way of life “down the road” with Carolinah on me. I advised him to always remember which one of us (his wives) he is with and what we each like.

Is polygamy costly? Whose problem is it when the husband didn’t consult his first wife before he engaged in polygamy?  Whose problem is it when he thought he had it all figured out?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

When a husband has decided that he will exercise his right and engage in polygamy (in Islam), should his first wife help him select a second wife? I have read material in which people have recommended that a first wife participate in the decision making process of selecting a second wife for her husband.

Regarding me, I think I should not be privy to participate in the selection. First of all, I am not the person that would be marrying the woman. My husband is the one that has to be attracted to her. He is the one that will have to live with her, love her, and have sexual relations with her, have intimate conversations with her, and spend his wealth on her, and more. 

I contemplated the reasons that a first wife would want to be part of the selection process, and whether there is a valid reason for her participation, in Islam. Does it really matter whether the first wife likes the potential second wife or not?  What does the first wife’s likes and dislikes regarding the potential second wife really have to do with her husband liking the woman?  Does the first wife have to do any of the above mentioned acts with the second wife?

A first wife’s need for involvement in selecting her husband’s second wife could serve a primary purpose that I could see; it would be control. She could prolong the process by not being able to agree on a suitable person. She could select someone that her husband entirely does not want, and wouldn’t be happy with. She could attempt to sabotage the marriage to someone her husband does have a sincere interest in and desire to marry. I know this for a fact; I wanted to meet my husband Alex’s prospective second wife so I could attempt to influence the relationship in some negative way. 

I see a benefit in a current wife not getting involved in the selection. If the marriage to the second wife is not successful, the husband cannot look to the first wife to blame if he doesn’t like the new wife. After all, it was his decision.

Please do not misunderstand me.  I am not talking about mutual consultation. I believe firmly that a husband should consult his first wife about his decision to engage in polygamy and if he is “kind” give her some time to adjust to the decision before he rushes off into it.

I think a husband should introduce his first wife to the potential second wife, as well, so first wife and potential second wife could communicate if they choose to do so. But I think the selection process as to whom he marries should be entirely the husband’s decision. There is nothing wrong if a husband requests his first wife’s assistance, but to say it should be a right of a first wife, I beg to differ. 

What do you think the benefits would be for a first wife assisting her husband in choosing his second wife?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I’ve often wondered about rivalry between wives in polygamy, wives that have the same husband, but the wives live in separate dwellings. I consider my husband Alex’s wife, Carolinah, to be my rival. We compete with one another for Alex’s attention and more. For example, she had concerns about me being his “favorite” wife.  I had concerns about her manipulating our marriage schedule.

I think what can keep rivalry under control in polygamy is the wives not being that familiar with each other. I don’t know Carolinah, and haven’t been inside her home; I can’t size her up, nor take inventory of her possessions.  I can’t accuse Alex of giving Carolinah more or less than he gives me. I don’t have to compare myself to her regarding weight and figure, as I don’t see her.  Is it true that what you don’t know can’t hurt you? 

Whether the wives see each other or not, I don’t think it completely does away with the rivalry.  It’s natural for me to want to be the better fit, more attractive wife, simply because I have a love for fitness and nutrition. I still think wives in polygamy compete for the attention, love and affection of their husbands in numerous ways, even in the bedroom, each probably wanting to be the more seductive wife, the more desired wife. 

In the previous post I questioned whether wives in polygamy are friends. Can wives in polygamy be sincere friends with each other when they are rivals?  I know in my past dealings with rivals in my life, friendship was not something I was trying to achieve with my competitors.  I was trying to find out what they looked like, what they thought, what they liked and disliked, what they were like, and how they interacted with  the person that we wanted to be with etc. I wanted all that information to allow me to gain the upper hand.  

Are wives rivals…wives married to one man?  Is true, sincere, friendship between rival wives possible?  What are the thoughts going on in the heads of those rival wives when they communicate with each other?

My interest in knowing more about Carolinah and meeting her stemmed from a desire to know how we compared. What does she look like?  Is she overweight or thin? Is she intelligent?  Where does she live? Since Alex never allowed me to meet Carolinah and she refused to meet me, I had to conduct my own investigation.  The one thing I can say is I should be grateful that Alex has Carolinah as his other wife. I can’t imagine how much more devastated I would have been had Alex’s second wife been a very young, beautiful, educated, personable woman. 

I still view Carolinah and me as rivals.

Since the day my husband Alex married another woman Carolinah and became polygamous, I wondered if she and I needed to be friends.  Is there a need for polygamous wives to be friends with each other or one another when they share a husband? 

The answer to the question for me is “No!”-not only because I don’t like Carolinah, but because I believe there is no reason for me to be her friend in Islam. I understand polygamous wives that live together have a need to befriend one another for peaceful living conditions.  Is there the same need for friendship between the wives when they don’t live in the same household with each other?

One thing I believe I need to do regarding Carolinah is to say “As Salaamu Alaikum” to her and return the greeting if and when she says it to me. I think I should be kind and cordial to her, if we ever communicate, and shouldn’t bother her otherwise. 

Are we to be best friends to every Muslim we meet?  If not, then what makes my husband’s wife any different than other Muslims?  Oh, she’s his wife…so what.

Instructions are given to men in Islam that opt to engage in polygamy. I have come across no instructions for me as a Muslim female with regards being married to a polygamous man.  

Should I try to make life easier for my husband Alex by befriending his other wife Carolinah?  Would being her friend actually make my husband’s life easier or more complicated?

My husband’s wife Carolinah and I are not friends, nor do I desire to be her friend.  Why do wives of polygamous men befriend their husbands’ wives?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I’ve come across numerous articles on the web, referencing the comparison of polygamous marriages to gay marriages. Some people are voicing the opinion that if gay marriages are legalized, polygamous marriages should be as well.  I just couldn’t see the correlations between the two. I didn’t contemplate it much. I just thought it was a bazaar comparison. Now giving it some consideration, I still think the two are not quite relevant.

Gay marriages are a lot like monogamous heterosexual marriages-the only difference is the persons in Gay marriages are of the same sex.  Still, there are only two Gay persons married to each other at one time. Gay couples that marry would receive the same rights under the USA state, family/domestic laws etc, and would be given the same rights as any heterosexual married couple. 

Should polygamous marriages be legally recognized in America, if Gay marriages are?  Well, I think polygamous marriages should not be on the same agenda as Gay marriages. To legalize polygamy, the USA would have to revamp the laws of the country-Family Law, health care, benefits, just to name a few.

Divorce Courts and Family Courts in the USA have an overwhelming caseload. They can barely keep up. They are totally backlogged with cases. Sometimes it takes three to four years or more for couples to get legally divorced in America.

Why would America want to take on the overwhelming burden of mediating polygamous marriages? How is it feasibly possible for the court system in America to figure out what going on in polygamous marriages? 

America gives man the right to exercise his religious freedom by putting its blinders on when it comes to polygamy, unless the polygamous marriages have allegation of abuse associated with them. America steps in if those engaged in polygamous marriages breach the laws referencing the protection of women and children from child abuse, domestic violence etc, bigamyor if there is abuse of the system, including welfare fraud and the like.

What are your thoughts?