Periodically, I remember something my best friend/wali once said to me. He said, If Alex had wanted to be with me 24/7, he would not have taken another wife. Do we wives delude ourselves by thinking the husbands do not enjoy themselves when they are with the other wives?

During one of my vacations with Alex, we briefly conversed about him and Carolinah. He stated they do not sit around discussing our situation (polygamy) all the time. This stunned me for a moment. I actually thought they did sit around all the time discussing our situation (polygamy), perhaps because I think about our situation (polygamy) so often. It dawned on me then that they spend their days and nights together enjoying themselves the same as he and I do. Some things that are said should be enough to make us wake up and smell the coffee. We need not to see things as we would like them to be, but see things as they are.

It makes one wonder if what these polygamous men say is the truth or a lie when they say they made a mistake when their married again. Was it a mistake and they try to make the best of a bad situation or is it not that bad for them after all? I have to remember to keep it real.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

In Islam a man is permitted to have more than one wife if he could financially afford them. A Muslim man is supposed to be able to afford to financially provide for his wives, if he opts to engage in polygamy. It is OK for the wife to forgo her right to be provided for. A woman could forgo her right, but can always demand it back. Perhaps she has her own money, which permits her to care for herself. It’s not uncommon for a woman to forgo her right to be financially cared for by her husband, and take care of herself.

Is it OK, however, for a woman to be in an Islamic marriage, and take advantage of the welfare system, alleging to be a single woman? Should the welfare system support wives of Muslim men or any man in a polygamous marriage for that matter?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I once read, “Marriage is a most intimate communion and the mystery of sex finds its highest fulfillment when intimate spiritual harmony is combined with the physical link. If religion is at all a real influence in life to both parties or either party, a difference in this vital matter must affect the lives of both more profoundly than differences of birth, race, language, or position in life. It is therefore only right that the parties to be married should have the same spiritual outlook.”

At polygamy 411, we have heard many relate stories in which they have had relationships with married Muslim men and the relationships later, many times, led to marriage (polygamy).  In some cases the men were adulterous prior to the next marriages. We know that in Islam we should not come nigh adultery, as it is an evil and shameful act that leads to more evils.

Yes. I think we all concede that sex is a fundamental part of marriage, but does seeking a marriage with sex the priority go against the true nature of marriage in Islam?  What happens when sex is the driving force for marriage oppose to spirituality?

(Please note: I moved two comments to this forum as they motivated me to write this post. I thank the two commentators much for their comments and especially for sharing with all of us.)

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Assalaamu ‘alaikum

Maybe someone will say something that would benefit me.

I believe I can be a case study… so here’s the case, you guys do the studying…cut me up all you want.
(Of course though, I’m going to leave out some details (which might be a little important) in order to protect my identity.)

I’m XX years old, (apparently) religious, intelligent (as I tend to believe), athletic, (reasonably) attractive and married X years to a woman, X years younger than me, who is all of the above plus some.  She is far more pious than I know I am (even if other people believe that I am) and I love her dearly.  Actually, I consider marrying my wife one of the (if not the best decisions I made in my life, as I married her for her piety and intellect (in the prime of my youth, even under heavy pressure to delay our marriage, in order to have a halaal outlet for my raging libido) and Allah has blessed me as she has become more and more attractive as time passed by.

We have a beautiful child who’s X years old and everything I could ask for in a child, even if I’m impatient with X and X’s extreme clingyness to X’s mom, although rightfully so, since X’s mom handles the bulk of the responsibility for X’s care. I’m more the occasional circus who changes diapers and feeds sometimes.

My wife and I have an excellent (I think we both agree on that) sex life when we’re able to…but frustratingly she gets per period for almost half of the month and suffers from istihaadhah (not sure what the medical term for this is in english) frequently.  We still try to fulfil each other within the allowed bounds during these times, although it’s not really comparable to the real thing.

But  (yes, here it is), I feel the need, the craving for another woman…not a specific one, but generally…and not just sexually (I’m not denying that this is a major factor though), but emotionally too –> I want the friendship, conversation, love, personal attention, affection of a second girl.

Now from here on I want that we (you, the reader, and I) look at two things:

1. Why?

2. What should I do?

I’m just going express my thoughts on it briefly, more to vent, and then I’m interested to hear (read) your analyses.

Why?

I’m honestly not sure.

Sexually, I’m a bit frustrated, because I still do have that raging libido that brought me to marriage in the first place, and while our sex life is very much active and not dull, I do spend (what seems to me like) long periods of time where I feel very frustrated, when she has a very long period of menstruation and when she’s just too busy for me (not any fault of hers)… Of course this has become somewhat acute at times since the entrance of our child.  Not saying however that it’s limited to that i.e. I’m not blaming her inability to have relations sometimes for my sexual frustration, as if I wouldn’t feel some sort of frustration if we could “hook up” whenever I wanted…maybe I might have…but the limited time-frame sure does exacerbate it.

Emotionally, well I’m not sure, but I crave affection…a lot of it, I always tell her jokingly that I should have stipulated a quota of pampering in our marriage contract…My wife says I’m high maintenance haha…(I know she does her best though).  I also feel a bit isolated at times, before Islam and marriage I was very social, I love intelligent conversation with people and to share thoughts and build new relationships…and now I feel isolated, I suppose I want another close friend.

And maybe (as everyone who now hates me after this post would probably say), some of it can be put down to wanting “variety”, “something new” and other “dog for a man” feelings like that.

What do I do?

I feel frustrated, almost daily.  I love my wife and would never want to hurt her (although I do quite often with my insensitivity and short temper).

We discuss polygyny openly, did so even before marriage, and in my contract she stipulated that I give one month’s notice if I choose to take a second.  She has said that of course she will feel jealous, but (like the good Muslimah that she is) she is very supportive and accommodating. Part of it stems from her knowing me very well, she knows and understands my susceptibilities well and feels that if I’m at risk of falling into a major sin, and another marriage would prevent that, then that’s what she will choose.  She even offers to help if I’m serious…and (I know this belongs in another thread but) if I do decide on trying to find another wife, I would want her to help me to find and choose someone…not necessarily because they’ll have to live together, because separate houses will be the preferred arrangement (although I cannot afford that right now), but because I trust her intellect and judgement, she’s my best friend who’s advice and opinion is a must in almost everything I undertake.

I also have no problem taking responsibility for two families, for trying to sustain them materially, emotionally and spiritually, and no problem with trying my utmost to be equal and just between multiple wives.  I soberly believe that I could probably handle this competently though not perfectly.

Problem is that I feel like I just can’t.

- My parents, especially my mother (a muslim, while my Dad isn’t) will never accept it, and I will be accused of everything evil.  Maybe my mother’s (muslimis)side of the family would accept it (of course with a lot of gossip etc.) but my father’s side of the family (who are Christian, but I’m a lot closer to them) will look at me as wrong, lustful and immoral (which maybe I am).
- It’s not just a matter of how they look at me though, I’ve never been one to succumb to people’s pressure  and societal/cultural norms if I believe the truth to be irreconcilable with that, this is why (by Allah’s mercy and grace) I chose Islam in the first place, but this has real implications  as far as my interaction with them is concerned.  We have a very good relationship, and they do with my wife, and I don’t want to upset that. Also, very importantly, my  da’wah to them (including my parents) is crucial and I don’t want to jeopardise that.
- Not to mention I don’t know how I’m going to be able take a new wife to family gatherings and have her accepted.

It’s not going to be fair to her, not with my parents and not with my extended family who are not familiar with anything but “monogamy” (multiple girlfriends at different times is fine, even wives in series i.e. after divorcing the first, but multiple wives! That’ll be a scandal!)

- What’s going to happen to my child? What’ll be said to my child? Would it be a source of shame and difficulty for my child in a society that doesn’t accept this practice?  I don’t want to put my child through that.  Even having divorced parents or a single mother might be “more natural” and easier to deal with.

- As for my wife, she can handle it, she’s strong, and her family (except for her mom, who is a very good nice lady, but will vilify me) will accept.

- Even if I were to decide, with all of what preceded, that I want another wife. –Where am I going to find one ??? . Women who will accept being a second wife are scarcer than scarce, and even those who religiously have no problem with it, have to face, probably, all of the above pressures and stigmas plus some.

So where am I going to find a woman who accepts that still fits my bill as far as character, intelligence, appearance etc. is concerned?? (Cause surely I’m not looking to marry any woman that comes along)…AND (where am I going to find a woman who), along with all of that, is going to want to marry ME?

Impossible!

I feel like I’m stuck and frustrated.

Other options?

Taking another wife secretly (i.e. with my wife’s knowledge but without the rest of the family knowing) is not an option, because it’s unfair to the new wife, I don’t think any woman would envision living with their “husband” like that.  And even if I find someone who agrees to such an agreement, the mechanics of that in terms of leaving the house and time etc. would be impractical if trying to be equal but in private.

Anything else? Well…I’m not repulsive to women (at least I hope not!).  It is also quite easy to rekindle old relationships with former “friends” before Islam.  I’ve done it before, it didn’t lead to anything then though. (although it did remind me of some of the unique beautiful qualities of my wife, and why I married her and not them.)

I’m not just saying this out of bitterness and rebellion, but I’m being realistic knowing my tendencies and weaknesses.

I believe this to be wrong, but I feel this might be the only way out of how I feel with the least damage.  And yes, it feels like even if I’m caught, the damage (as catastrophic as it will be) might be less than trying to estabish multiple wives.  When I do it, it’s not because I’m cynically planning to use some woman…but it’s me succumbing to my strong urges and desires…

And I’m trying to be very honest here when I say…it does seem pretty easy, exciting and tempting…a secret relationship, I get some of what I need, no one has to know…and in the end everything else carries on like it was. Easy, no shame, no responsibility.  I’m not saying that I’ll choose this to happen…but realistically, it could very well happen…soon…

And I won’t have any excuse…maybe I should just be stoned now, and save everyone the trouble.

In the meantime, I guess I must suppress those evil feelings huh? I’m a greedy selfish man who just wants sex and variety, and wants to use polygyny to get it.

Maybe I should just free my wife, so she can get a good moral man, and so that my child can have a better father, and throw myself to the wolves.

All in favour say “ay!”

By Author: greedy, selfish and everything evil man

Allah tests us with one another. Is the husband just and fair with his wives? Are the wives kind and cordial with one another, etc? Tests and trials varies in nature and degree, according to Allah’s plan for each human being.

No person is without some limitations and faults. Tests and trials are necessary to allow each person the opportunity to recognize and overcome blameworthy characteristics in his character and behavior. As I’ve mentioned when I first began this blog, I have done and said some terrible things that are unbecoming of a Muslim, striving to be a Believer. We must first recognize, acknowledge, and admit to ourselves our limitations and faults before we can begin work on overcoming them.

Allah tells us that He does not place a burden on any soul greater than it can bear. It gets every good it earns and suffers every ill that it earns. Allah does not act unjustly with anyone in anyway. The people (he/she) wrong their own souls. Knowing that we will not be overburdened allows us to meet life situations in a psychologically sober and stable manner.

A Muslim woman confronted with polygamy must ask herself if polygamy is a test or trial that she is willing to take. Life situations are not insurmountable. A sincere acceptance of a trial or test (in this case polygamy) is necessary for psychological and spiritual growth.

To overcome jealousy, envy, hatred, rancor, greed, and other blameworthy characteristic, which are in a person that has a diseased heart, could lead to praiseworthy characteristics that possibly may help her/him enter paradise.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

To everyone who do not know, I’m referring to the Holy Month of Ramadan (the holy month of fasting for Muslims). The video below is of the speech given by President Obama at an Iftar at the White House on August 13, 2010. He addresses Ramadan and more, referencing Muslims.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

The Holy Month of Ramadan is usually a very joyous, happy, and wonderful time for many Muslims. Sadly to say, however, the Holy Month of Ramadan could be a sorrowful time for others. I was thinking of the number of polygamous marriages that take place immediately following the Holy Month of Ramadan. Last year, I heard from a few Muslim ladies that contacted me off the blog by way of email. They stated their husbands were going to marry other women, after Ramadan, making their marriages polygamous.

Needless to say, it is very painful and heartbreaking for many women whose husbands take other wives after Ramadan. It is difficult for the first wives or the wives (if there are already more than one) to see their husbands so happy, as the husbands anticipate the new marriages and prepare for them. Nonetheless, I think, once the first wives make it through the initial stages of what trying to embrace and accept polygamy entail, the first wives find there are many benefits for them in accepting polygamy as a lifestyle.

I kindly ask all women who find themselves in polygamous marriages for the first time after the Holy Month of Ramadan to speak about it on the blog and share with all of us here. I would love to speak with everyone one on one by way of email; however, it would become too overwhelming to do so and manage the blog simultaneously. It would defeat the purpose of the blog, as well. I believe we all could benefit from what everyone has to say.

Again, I would like to thank everyone for reading and participating in our discussions here at polygamy 411. We appreciate everyone that joins us here.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

C. V. Rajan in his article stated, “Marriage itself is a challenge – challenge to one’s freedom, independence, sexuality, interpersonal skills and egotism. It is quite natural that being a second wife throws up more and tougher challenges on a woman.”

C.V. Rajan stated, “The less the woman who becomes a second wife has very high mental maturity, a very large and loving heart and extreme levels of patience, she will not be able to walk through the knife edge of second marriage without getting emotionally hurt.”

Article By C.V. Rajan/Helium - To read more of C. V. Rajan’s article you could visit his site at http://www.helium.com/items/1194546-the-challenges-of-being-the-second-wife

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Thank you CM for bringing this video to polygamy 411′s attention (F)

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

 A farmer in Anatolia had a wife and adolescent son. His wife always complained that they were poor, their house needed a new roof, the barn was broken down, and they had no horse to help with the plowing. Early one morning the man and his son looked toward the field, and beside a large oak tree stood the most beautiful thing they had ever seen.

It was a large white horse with perfect proportions. They tied and fed the horse. They were happy. His wife came out and said, ‘Look for markings; it is a rich man’s horse.’ There were no markings.

‘We can sell the horse,’ the wife said, ‘and with the money we can fix the roof, buy a wagon, rebuild the barn, and have something left over for our old age.’

‘I will not sell the horse,’ said the man.

‘If you don’t, I will leave you,’ said the wife, and went into the house.

Now let me tell you a little about the man. The townspeople and his wife thought he was becoming senile. Whenever something occurred, good or bad, he would say, ‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows.’ Whatever befell him, that’s what he would say. That’s what he said when the townspeople gathered on his land to see the horse and told him what good fortune he had.

And that’s what he said to his wife after she told him that he should sell or she would leave. The next morning, he began building a corral for the horse. His wife became angry. She went to her sister down the road. The man shrugged his shoulders and said, “Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe a curse, only Allah knows’

The story of the beautiful horse traveled from village to village, town to town, and finally to the capital city where the sultan, a lover of horses, heard it. He called his lieutenant and told him to go to the farmer and offer him a bag of gold for the horse, a vast sum of money.

‘What if he won’t sell?’ asked the lieutenant. ‘Of course he will,” said the sultan, ‘he is poor. This is a fortune.’ ‘But,’ the lieutenant insisted, ‘what if he won’t sell?’ ‘Then kill him,’ said the sultan, ‘and bring me the horse.’

The sultan’s soldiers arrived at the farmer’s house. The horse was as beautiful as they had been told, and the lieutenant offered the farmer the bag of gold for the horse. ‘Thank you said the farmer, but I don’t want to sell.’ the lieutenant asked the farmer to walk with him. He liked the old man, who reminded him of his father. ‘Please take the money’ the lieutenant said. ‘No,’ the farmer said. ‘My orders are to kill you and take the horse if you won’t sell it to me.’ ‘The horse is not for sale.’ ‘Please, this will be your death.’

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe a curse, only Allah knows.’

The lieutenant said he had an errand in another village, but would return in a few days. He begged the farmer to think about selling the horse. The townspeople gathered and started to argue with the farmer. ‘You will be rich!’

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe a curse, only Allah knows.’

‘If you don’t sell the horse, the soldiers will kill you, so you will lose the horse either way.

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe a curse, only Allah knows.’

That night the farmer had a dream. Maybe something in the dream woke him. It was around 3 A.M and he went outside. There was a mist. The horse was beautiful, moving in and out of the mist, disappearing and reappearing. As the farmer moved closer, he felt something special, extraordinary, in every part of his body. He remembered old teachings which said that God took the first breath of His day at this time. He felt touched by God, filled with light, washed clean of imperfection, and that feeling stayed with him.

The horse looked magnificent, his breath steaming from his nostrils into the mist.

Later that morning the farmer’s son decided to ride the horse. He rode bareback through the forest and past fields. He felt wonderful, the wind caressing his face and pulling at strands of his hair. He wrapped his arms around the horse’s neck. He was at one with the horse until the horse stepped into a hole, throwing the boy high into the air. Falling, the boy broke both his legs. The townspeople found him and carried him home. ‘You didn’t listen to us,’ they said to the farmer. ‘If you had sold the horse, this wouldn’t have happened. Now yours son has two broken legs’

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows,’ the farmer replied.

The next morning the farmer looked outside and saw a terrible sight. In fact, he saw nothing. The horse was gone. The townspeople said, ‘You could have sold him for money, and you didn’t. So your son went riding and broke both his legs. Now you don’t even have the horse.’

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows,’ said the farmer.

‘The soldiers will come back,’ said the townspeople, ‘and they won’t believe you when you say the horse disappeared. They’ll torture you, and then they’ll kill you.’

‘Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse, only Allah knows,’ said the farmer’

The soldiers didn’t return. War had broken out. All the young men were called into the army, except for the farmer’s son with his two broken legs. ‘You’re lucky,” the townspeople said to the farmer. ‘We will never see our sons again. You will have someone to care for you in old age, but we will be alone.’

‘I’ve told you before, said the farmer. ‘Don’t you understand” Maybe it’s a blessing, maybe it’s a curse. Only Allah knows’

How do we use our hardships and pleasures? If we are sitting here in this moment, can we see ourselves, become aware of our breathing, or change our voice? Our voice, everything in life, is an instrument we can use.

Why is that every time we hear hoofbeats, we think of a horse? Because we have been conditioned and in that conditioning we have fallen asleep. In that state of sleep we have forgotten Allah. In that moment of forgetting Allah, we are capable of doing anything. But when we are in the state of remembering Allah, in that moment we can only do good.”

The above story was from the book, “When You Hear Hoofbeats Think of a Zebra”, by Shems Friedlander.

Have we become conditioned to think of monogamy when we think of marriage?

Mankind has rebelled against Allah by outlawing polygamy in certain societies.

How can “Believers” take the same position as those that outlaw polygamy when Allah has made polygamy permissible?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

The people that we should expect to do all the research, deciphering, studying and debating polygamy are the men. Allah has given men the right to engage in polygamy. Women, on the other hand, were not given that right. Men need to be knowledgeable of polygamy and its practice. Men are going to be held accountable for their decision to engage in polygamy or not and how it was done.

A woman simply has to accept that Allah (SWT/Great and Glorious is He) has granted man the right to engage in polygamy or she can reject it. She, however, has options. She can refuse to marry a man that wants to engage in polygamy. She can stay married to her husband and become polygamous or she can refuse to be a part of polygamy and divorce her husband. It’s very simple, but we women make it difficult. Women want to control men, control what they do and how they do it. Do some of us women, unconsciously Lord over men?

Women that are married to men that are polygamous and remain in the marriages are simply trying to accept what Allah SWT has made permissible for the men. They try to accept that their husbands exercised their right. The woman won’t be held accountable for her husband who exercised his right and will not be held accountable for how he practiced polygamy. He will stand alone on the Day of Judgment, and will answer only for himself.

I feel good about going before Allah SWT knowing I did not stand in the way of my husband doing what Allah SWT said he can do – engage in polygamy. I feel good knowing I’m trying my best to like what Allah SWT made permissible – polygamy. I feel good in knowing I’m trying to accept what the Mothers of the Believers – the wives of the Holy Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon him) accepted. I feel good knowing I’m trying to accept the entire Book –The Holy Quran. No Muslim woman that remains married to a man that engages in polygamy should be called a “coward” for accepting the TEST, taking the challenge by staying in her marriage, if that is what she wants to do. May Allah SWT grant these women Paradise.

We women in polygamy here are struggling. We’re battling daily, each and every minute, with this thing called polygamy. It’s an arduous task. We’re striving to accept Allah’s SWT’s decisions and the tests that he gives us and we are striving to grow closer to Him. We’re not like the Angels; we’re far from perfect and some of us have been doing or have done some screwed up, wacked out, awful things along the way (I am no exception), but, Insha Allah, we’ll get better. With the help of Allah, we will get better.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

In addition to such traumatic abuses, people who have left (or, in their words, “escaped” polygamist families point out that the structure of such families crushes female independence. Husbands are absolute authorities, and wives and children are completely subservient to them. Because wives are so dependent on their husband and the other wives, they often lack the life skills to live on their own. This makes it especially difficult to leave. In addition, many polygamist wives were born and raised in polygamist families. They have been in the polygamist lifestyle from birth, so they have a hard time seeing a way out.

Credit for the above info: howstuffworks.com/”How Polygamy Works”  by Ed Grabianowski

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

The Book of Mormon itself does not contain specific information about polygamy. However, Smith began to practice polygyny in the 1830s and secretly told his “inner circle” that he had received a revelation: a man should take multiple wives in order to become a king in Heaven. He pointed to Old Testament figures like Solomon and Jacob as examples. Although his polygyny became well-known and contributed to the persecution of Mormons, Smith never publicly acknowledged the practice, and it wasn’t official church doctrine. However, the practice spread and was encouraged by Smith’s successor (Brigham Young) in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the “main” branch of Mormonism. By 1852, so many Mormons were practicing polygyny that the church acknowledged it in an official announcement. Mormons refer to polygamy as “plural marriage.” By this time, the church had splintered. One branch followed Smith’s son, Joseph Smith III, and rejected polygamy entirely.

In 1890, after decades of conflict with the federal government, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints leadership announced that another revelation would change church doctrine. Polygamy became a major obstacle when Utah, where the Mormons settled, applied for statehood. This new directive forbade polygamy within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but it never removed Smith’s polygamy revelation from their holy texts. Church members who continued to practice plural marriage were excommunicated. This change resulted in another schism, and several small groups of Mormons split off to found their own sects so they could continue to practice polygyny. These groups sometimes refer to themselves as Mormon Fundamentalists.

Mormons who practice polygyny today still believe that Joseph Smith, Jr. received a divine revelation that only men who took at least three wives would become “gods” in Heaven. Women who refuse to marry into polygynistic families will be denied entry into Heaven. Modern polygamist Mormon families are characterized by large numbers of children and anywhere from three to more than 15 wives. Joseph Smith, Jr. is thought to have had as many as 48 wives [ref]. According to its practitioners, this arrangement has several benefits:
• a built-in deterrent to infidelity on the part of the husband, since he has so many wives to choose from he wouldn’t need to stray from his marriages
• extra hands to help care for children
• following a divine directive to lead them into Heaven

Author’s Note
The terms “Mormon” and “Mormonism” are sometimes controversial, as not all sects use this term to describe themselves, and not all sects practice polygamy. In common usage, anyone who follows the teachings of Joseph Smith, Jr. is a Mormon, and we’ll follow this use for this article. (We’ll distinguish between different sects as necessary.)

However, they also acknowledge certain difficulties. Jealousy between wives is often a problem, because it can be difficult for the husband to devote enough attention to each wife. Many families create a schedule that regulates which nights the husband sleeps with each wife. Usually, the entire family lives together, with the wives having separate rooms. In some cases, wives might live in separate houses, or the family might live in a duplex.

The economics of polygamy can be hard on the families as well. Colorado City, Arizona, a strict polygamist enclave, suffers from severe poverty. The families are simply not able to make enough money to support all their wives and children. They rely heavily on welfare, and in some cases commit welfare fraud. The problem is so severe that Colorado City and similar communities put a serious strain on state welfare systems.

The status of polygamy in the United States is simple: it’s illegal. Several federal laws passed in the 1800s made polygamy illegal in all U.S. territories, including Utah. When Utah became a state, legislators included a specific ban on polygamy in the state constitution. Today, few states have laws that specifically outlaw polygamy, but all outlaw bigamy. However, few polygamists try to legally marry more than one wife. They may marry other wives in church ceremonies, but no marriage license exists. Some polygamists marry and then divorce all but one wife, but continue living and sleeping with all of them.

Very few polygamists have been prosecuted. When they are, the prosecution usually focuses on an ancillary offense, such as child abuse or welfare fraud, rather than polygamy itself. A series of raids in the 1950s in which police arrested polygynist husbands resulted in a public relations disaster as people reacted to images of wives and children left without their fathers.

Most polygamists are careful not to “officially” marry more than one wife at a time, so a bigamy conviction is virtually impossible. Laws against cohabitation are vague, hard to enforce, and probably unconstitutional in any case. Any direct prosecution on grounds of polygamy would require one of the wives to act as a witness against the husband. Even if the evidence were easy to come by, there are so many practicing polygamists in Utah and nearby states that the state doesn’t have enough money to investigate, try and jail them all.

Credit for the above: “How StuffWorks” by Ed Grabianowski

“Ana,
 
As I have read some of the comments from the “younger readers”, whose thoughts I have enjoyed and appreciated, I have developed a curiosity on the effect of polygamy on children.  I know you and Alex don’t have children, but maybe your readers can share some insights.   I have not seen a lot of info on this topic as most everything I have found seems to about the relationships between the men and the women.  However, I think it is an important topic and I hope you don’t mind my bringing it up on your blog.

Do polygamous men make good fathers?  Does traveling back and forth between the different homes affect the children’s relationship with their fathers?   What are the challenges that polygamous men face in parenting their children?  What are the challenges children face being raised in polygamous marriages?  Are there effective solutions to these challenges?  Do mothers encourage relationships between the half or step siblings?  Do they encourage relationships between the children and the other wives?  Etc.

These are just a few of the many questions that can be asked.  I realize there are as many answers as there are families, but I think the exploration of this topic is essential to any discussion of polygamy and I would love to hear what others have to say about it.”

CM is correct; polygamy 411 would not be complete without opening discussion regarding the effects of polygamy on children. Polygamy 411 asks everyone who has information on the subject or those that would like to anonymously share their experiences to join us at polygamy411.com, so perhaps we could help one another. I think the forum would be beneficial to all parties that are in polygamous marriages and have children, or those who are contemplating entering polygamous marriages and have children.”

CM, I thank you very much for your comment and questions that inspired me to write this post, and for all the support that you have given me and others at polygamy 411 over the year.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.