Planlægning Problem gensøger Min polygame ægteskaber giver
af Ann den maj.04, 2009, i løbet af min historie i dag
Ja. Du hørte det rigtige. Planlægningen problem i mit polygame ægteskab er revurderede mig. Hvordan i alverden gik det til?Jeg troede ikke i en million år ville Alex, Carolinah, og mig straks tilbage, hvor vi var, skændes om tidsplan, skændes om dagen. En tidsplan er en simpel ting at finde ud af og sætte sammen ... Right?Man skulle tro, så.
Jeg vil prøve at gøre det så kort som muligt, da vi har været over planlægningen problemer her ofte før. Jeg er lidt flov over at præsentere den for dig igen. Jeg overvejede ikke at gøre det, men du har alle været med mig hele denne tid, rejse med mig, så jeg føler, at du skal være med mig på dette også.
Sidste gang vi talte om tidsplanen, Jeg meddelte Dem, at det havde været afsluttet for resten af året 2009. At opsummere, Alex troede Carolinah skyldtes mere ferie tid,men jeg syntes ikke at hun var. Ikke desto mindre, Hun fik fire dage. Tidsplanen er ændret en smule siden jeg sidst skrev. Alex vil blive hos mig i julen og nyheder år, selv om vi ikke fejre. Carolinah bør ikke megen pleje, som hun har til at arbejde ferie. Hun har denne type job. Så, tidsplanen er færdig for resten af året.
Alex er planlagt til at begynde et ophold hjemme ferie med Carolinah morgen til elleve dage (syv dage plus de fire makeup dag, som jeg nævnte ovenfor). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, Jeg pludselig fik en åbenbaring, at de fire dage, Alex havde givet Carolinah ikke skyldtes hende på alle. Et lys kom på i mit hoved og det hele blev levende klart for mig. Jeg bragte det til Alex's opmærksomhed og forklarede. Dette drev ham vanvittigt selvfølgelig. Han hader beskæftiger sig med planlægning emner. Han gik videre og videre om, hvordan tidsplanen allerede var forberedt til resten af året. Jeg rådede ham til at jeg ikke ønsker ham til at ændre tidsplanen eller tage dage fra Carolinah. Jeg rådede ham til at jeg kun ønskede at blive kompenseret for de dage,, gives fire dage samt, whether this year or next.
Denne samtale fandt sted torsdag (Thanksgiving Day). I går, Lørdag, Jeg fandt bevis for, at Carolinah ikke skyldtes de fire dage. Jeg fandt den tidsplan, Alex havde forberedt med al Carolinah's makeup dage og feriedage. Jeg mailede det til ham. Det er når det kaos begyndte. Alex og jeg mailede frem og tilbage det meste af dagen. Alex spørger mig, hvordan jeg beregnet; da hun fik dagen, og hvilken slags dage, de var etc, etc, osv.… Han insisterede hun ikke få hende dagen. Han var ved at blive den gamle måde, vi plejede at gøre planlægningen (indtil min Wali interveneret) forveksles med, hvordan vi laver planlægningen siden juni 2009. Baseret på den gamle måde at gøre tingene på, som er det tidspunkt pågældende periode,alle hendes dage var tegnede sig for. Alex, på et tidspunkt, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
Jeg mailede Alex en række mere gange i løbet af aftenen og i de tidlige morgentimer sammen med min bevis for, at Carolinah skyldtes ingen dage. Jeg prøvede at gøre det så klart og så enkelt som jeg kunne. I virkeligheden, Jeg har lige afsluttet emailing ham lige før jeg begyndte at skrive dette indlæg, at se, om han var kommet til en konklusion. Han har ikke e-mail mig tilbage. Jeg ringede til ham på hans mobiltelefon; dog, han svarede ikke. Han er på grund snart hjem, så jeg skal finde ud af afslutning på historien.
Jeg er meget foruroliget over hvad der er sket, fordi jeg kender Carolinah var godt klar over, at hun ikke var på grund af de dage, at hun fik, men hun talte ikke op. Jeg er forstyrret, fordi Alex, hvem der skal være på toppen af planen, en simpel grundlæggende del af polygami, kan aldrig få det rigtige. Jeg er forstyrret, som jeg ikke ved, hvor meget svindel der er begået af Alex og Carolinah i fortiden, da de forberedte sig tidsplanen. Ja, Jeg ved, at det var til dels min skyld for ikke at være en aktiv deltager i at gøre tidsplanen for cirka to og et halvt år. Jeg kunne bare ikke klare ægteskabet en tidsplan på det tidspunkt.
Hvordan Alex håndterer denne sag ville bestemme, hvordan vores ægteskab provenuet. Jeg har rådgivet ham om, at der i en af de e-mails. Hvis han ikke kan være fair og lige med mig efter alle de ofre, jeg har gjort i dette ægteskab for ham at være sammen med Carolinah, så er jeg nødt til at spørgsmålet om, hvorvidt jeg nødt til at forblive i den. Hvis Alex ikke kan få en simpel plan ret, vi har at kigge på nogle alvorlige problemer forude.
Jeg vil holde jer opdateret!
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
11/29/09
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Som Salaamu Alaikum!
Velkommen til Polygami 411! Vores hjem er for muslimer og ikke-muslimer. Det er for alle, der ønsker at tale om polygami, eller enhver, der befinder sig i et polygamt ægteskab eller overvejer at indtaste en. Vi kan godt lide at have selskab. Gør dig det behageligt, og deltage i diskussionen ved at efterlade en kommentar. Vi glæder os til at se dig her igen snart, og ofte.
rejser 4 mindre!
November 29th, 2009 om 6:31 PM
I “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 om 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. Så, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
Af den måde, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
November 30th, 2009 om 2:49 AM
Godt, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 om 5:42 AM
I hear you (LOL), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “kone.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 om 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
Anyway, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, Insha Allah.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
November 30th, 2009 om 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 om 2:50 AM
Chatelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, said to me, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, Jeg elsker dig, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “svage”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
Tak, Chatelaine.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 1st, 2009 om 2:55 AM
Haji Rafiq, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 1st, 2009 om 11:16 AM
Hej Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Tak Ana, as always, J.
December 1st, 2009 om 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. Men, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
Så, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
Judith, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 1st, 2009 om 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 om 9:06 PM
Chatelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, samt. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. Så, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 2nd, 2009 om 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
December 3rd, 2009 om 1:25 AM
Chatelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 3rd, 2009 om 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
December 3rd, 2009 om 10:46 PM
Home,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
December 4th, 2009 om 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? Denne gang, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 4th, 2009 om 6:55 AM
Chatelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “gift” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
December 4th, 2009 om 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 om 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 om 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. Jeg tænkte; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
Sure nok, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. Jeg sagde nej. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.
January 21st, 2010 om 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 om 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.