Polygami 411

Jeg har skrevet “Min rejse” og “Min historie i dag” i bogen som form (læse fra top til bund), som ikke er i overensstemmelse med, hvordan man normalt læser en blog. At indstille de stillinger op på denne måde, Jeg var nødt til at ændre datoer for skrifter. Dette forklarer, hvorfor datoerne for de stillinger, ikke falder sammen med datoerne for de kommentarer, svar, eller svar fra kommentatorer.

At være ny til blogging, Jeg gjorde det ikke så godt med tidslinjen i indlægget. For at give dig en bedre idé om tidslinjen, Alex og jeg blev polygame i december 2006 (Når Alex “gift” Carolinah). Jeg begyndte bloggen i februar 2009. Så, du kan se, at jeg begyndte at blogge om vores liv kun lidt over to år for at blive polygame. Jeg var stadig en komplet rod (psykologisk) på det tidspunkt.

Jeg håber, at denne forklaring var hjælpsom.

Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme på.

For at beskytte den sande identitet af parterne og at forblive tro mod mine livserfaringer, navnene på de tegn, her (på polygami 411) er fiktive; dog, min situation, omstændigheder, og oplevelser er reelle.

Jeg er Anabellah. Du kan kalde mig Ana.  Jeg har været i et polygamt ægteskab, nævnt af mange som polygami, for kun lidt over to år.  Min mands navn er Alex.  Han “married” Carolinah (Carol) mens gift med mig.  Jeg bruger Rgiftied” i citater, simpelthen fordi jeg ikke var på Alex og Carolinah bryllup ceremoni.  Jeg talte ikke med nogen, der deltog i ceremonien, heller ikke jeg ser nogen dokumentation af det.  Jeg er nødt til at acceptere Alex ord for, at det skete.  Alex, CarolCarolinahjeg lever i polygami, der er lovligt til mig som en muslim, for alle hensigter og formål.

Jeg beder Allah om tilgivelse for noget, jeg kan sige eller har sagt her på flerkoneri 411 der ville utilsigtet, eller på nogen måde vildlede andre.  Min intention her på flerkoneri 411 er at hjælpe andre med at håndtere en livsform (polygami) det er godt for mig og på samme tid, jeg har fundet det er yderst vanskeligt.

Jeg vil gerne dele med dig her på flerkoneri 411 min rejse og svar mange af dine spørgsmål, så ærligt og hurtigt som muligt.  Insha Allah, du vil dele nogle af dine følelser, tanker, og erfaringer med mig og andre, samt.

Jeg ønsker at huske, at Allah gjorde det lovligt for en mand at have mere end én kone i islam. Så, husk på polygami 411 er ikke en polygami bashing blog. Jeg ønsker ikke at gøre ulovligt det, som Allah har gjort lovlige. Dette har været en del af min kamp, da jeg kamp med sandheden og mine personlige ønsker.

På polygami 411, Jeg kan ikke, kan ikke, og vil ikke fortælle nogen, hvordan at praktisere polygami, Jeg vil heller ikke udtale sig om, hvorvidt det er rigtigt for dig. Jeg kan kun dele med dig, hvad jeg har erfarne, lært om mig selv, og lærte fra andre.

Al lovprisning skyldes, at Allah.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Før Alex og jeg gift, han sagde, at han kunne tage sig af mig. Jeg sagde fint og godt, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, han ville have masser af penge til at hjælpe hans familie og venner. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would tror han havde masser penge nok til at tage sig af en anden kone.

Jeg endeligt ophørt arbejde, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  I…Jeg ville ikke stoppe med at arbejde for at lægge en byrde på Alex, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, if Alex og mine marriage did not work out.  Endvidere, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

I took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (et år efter Alex giftede Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (lever nu i et år), not only effected my mental and physical health, but my work as well…not sleeping at night, ude af stand til at fokusere på arbejdet, at være deprimeret og bare ikke omsorgsfuld længere, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  Jeg sagde, “OK, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  Jeg blev having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Godt, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  Sagde han, “Nej”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

Så, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. Men, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Godt, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, Min Wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  Jeg sagde, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  Sagde han, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

OK, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. Den næste morgen Alex ringede til mig på vej til arbejde, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, da han kørte. Jeg var temmelig meget følelse følelsesløs på det punkt, from what I could remember. 

En dag eller så senere, i en tilstand af benægtelse, Jeg spurgte Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, og spurgte, om jeg troede, han havde kid om sådan noget. It was now the end of November. I asked when he might do it. Sagde han, “I Jan. eller februar” 

On  a later day, Jeg spurgte Alex to give me more time, som det var for meget, for hurtigt. I needed more time til digest it all. Sagde han, “Nej”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. Det ville være bedre at gøre det hurtigt og få det overstået, he said. 

Overflødigt at sige, Jeg var fortvivlet og deprimeret. I spoke with my wali about it. Han rådede mig til ikke at bekymre sig, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

Og så en dag, soon afterwards, I received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. eller februar  

For mange dage til at følge, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. eller september. at give mig tid til at acceptere situationen. Sagde han, “No”. Jeg begyndte at påberåbe sig mange gange om mere tid, indtil jeg indså, at jeg var tigger. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, da han frygtede jeg ville forsøge at stoppe det.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”dog.” My oldest sister said, det var like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, uden at give mig en chance til at tygge.

Så, nu…what do I gøre? Polygami blev hurtigt blive en realitet for mig.

Alex advised me, before and after he married mig, at han ikke havde nogen interesse i polygami. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Selvfølgelig, I had questions.

Alex havde already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  Sagde han, “Jeg bryder mig om hende.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “Han (Alex) må have været reeeeeal trist.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex sagde Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; personer var indlogeret i hendes hjem, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, ved en anden lejlighed, said he needed to feel needed.

Jeg får en smule foran mig selv i historien her, men approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, han said he married her fordi she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience med polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. Jeg var meget vred på Alex, hvad han var ved at gøre…polygami?  

Om aftenen, når han kom hjem, Jeg uberettigede og jeg rasede. Jeg råbte til ham fra toppen af mine lunger, sprøjter ud obscenities. Jeg kan ikke gentage de ord og sætninger her, som they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sommetider when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, og then would rush back. Jeg gjorde det gentagne gange. I kept physical distance from Alex, under min anfald af raseri, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Selv i min tilstand af raseri, Jeg var bange, ikke ønsker at tage mine handlinger og adfærd for langt. Jeg var som en “skøre kvinde.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (Jeg blev totally mortified and humilitated; Jeg er glad for de flyttede.)

Alex har aldrig reageret på min harme. Han har lige fortsatte med at gøre, hvad han gjorde, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, for mange nætter, hver nat?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. Hvordan det var den blinde leder den blinde. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

På andre tidspunkter, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Godt, det var nu tid for mig at få at vide min mand bedre…igen antænde ild eller, Jeg bør nok sige, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

Det er forbløffende, at i næsten fem år har jeg ikke rigtig kende mig selv, heller ikke jeg kender min mand Alex. Jeg var så selvoptaget, selvcentreret og direkte arrogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, mine ønsker og mine behov, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

For mig, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now bliver much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

Dette er en åbent hus. Ingen grund til at banke. Bare komme videre i.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. Så, Jeg spurgte.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” Sagde han, ingen; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much bedre. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, som it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (smile).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.