La poligamia en mi vida-la Buena, lo malo, y el feo
por ana de mayo.03, 2009, durante el mi historia de hoy
A lo largo de la poligamia 411, He hablado mucho acerca de la poligamia malo y lo feo en relación en mi vida, y muy poco sobre el bien. Leyendo el blog puede ser un poco engañoso para algunos, como la línea de tiempo no está totalmente claro. Para ayudar a aclarar las cosas un poco, todos deben tener en cuenta que empecé a escribir el blog en febrero de 2009. Yo había estado viviendo la poligamia por dos años y dos meses, ya cuando empecé a escribir el blog. Cuando empecé a escribir sobre mi vida que viven la poligamia, nada había cambiado mucho conmigo durante los dos años. No hubo crecimiento. El dolor, angustia, y la agonía aún real. Ahora, después de los últimos meses de la escritura, la vida para mí no es que cerca de lo que solía ser. Doy gracias a Dios mucho más. Sólo quería dar esa línea de tiempo, para que la gente leyendo el blog que sé que no soy la misma persona que fue ayer.
En los últimos meses, Tengo bastante escrito sobre el feo y el malo en mi vida que viven la poligamia. Ha habido un montón de buenas con respecto a mí y mi desarrollo personal en términos de crecimiento. Yo no soy tan amargado y enojado como yo. No se obsesione con mi esposo Alex segundo “esposa”, Carolinah, la forma en que utiliza para. Él y ella ya no son una preocupación de las minas. Por supuesto que van a ser ciertas cosas que me causan un malestar al igual que en cualquier matrimonio si el matrimonio es monógamo o polígamo. Una de esas cosas para mí pasa a ser el calendario. A veces ha habido situaciones de calefacción cuando, por ejemplo, &Carolinaholinah” enviado a casa de Alex para mí un par de veces y le pidió que vuelva a ella en mis días. Ha habido momentos en que se decidió a tomar días que estaba previsto que para mí, como mi aniversario. Ella es a menudo tratado de cambiar el horario para evitar su plan de trabajo. Así que, sí, el calendario se ha agravado y agitado que me no tiene fin. No puedo decir que el problema de programación no presentará su cara otra vez; sin embargo, Yo sé Alex es consciente de que sólo en la medida va a tolerar más conmigo sobre la situación de programación.
En cuanto a lo bueno en mi vida polígamos, Alex y yo no enajenado. Tenemos una relación de amor y cariño. Espero con interés su regreso a casa y él me ha dado todas las indicaciones que le gusta estar en casa. Nos divertimos juntos, vamos al cine, y el teatro y lo hacemos vacaciones tropicales y cruceros a menudo. Hacemos las cosas que otras parejas casadas. Alex es un buen proveedor. Él se casa conmigo, cuando está previsto que se. Él prepara la cena para mí todas las noches. Se asegura que prepara las comidas suficiente para mí a cenar cuando está lejos con Carolinah (a menos que está programada para estar lejos de mí durante un largo período de tiempo). Alex has a good heart most of the time. Usted simplemente no saben que, como he hablado mucho acerca de lo malo y lo feo, descuidar el bien. Cuando se trata de hablar de la buena…hay un montón de buenas. Usted simplemente no han oído hablar de ella.
Hacer referencia al aspecto espiritual de nuestras vidas, Estoy trabajando en tratar de comunicarse con Alex al respecto. Mi espiritualidad es una parte muy importante de mi vida y sigo creyendo que la espiritualidad sigue siendo bastante insignificante para Alex.
En este momento, No puedo hablar de cualquier bien asociado a Carolinah y yo y mi vida que viven la poligamia,como ella y yo no se comunican. Además, No tengo ningún deseo de tener cualquier comunicación con ella. Mi necesidad de confrontar y antagonizar a su tormento y ella ya no existe; debe ser parte de mi crecimiento que me he referido más arriba.
De todos modos, Voy a mantener a todos informados de lo bueno, lo malo, y lo feo de mi vida, como ocurre; sin embargo, Creo que voy a abstenerse de aburrirte con el bien que sólo se da entre Alex y yo, si no directamente tiene nada que ver con la poligamia. Después de todo, Creo que si me pongo que golpear con la suficiente frecuencia con la manera en que Alex y yo veía la televisión mientras se come gofres belgas y helados, sentado en el sofá, inclinándose unos contra otros, que todos puedan empezar a publicar en el blog. LOL
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
12/2/09
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Como Alaikum Salamu!
Bienvenido a la poligamia 411! Nuestra casa es para los musulmanes y no musulmanes. Es para todo aquel que quiere hablar de la poligamia, o cualquier persona que se encuentra en un matrimonio polígamo o está considerando entrar en un. Nos gusta tener compañía. Póngase cómodo y unirse a la discusión dejando un comentario. Esperamos contar con su presencia una vez más pronto y con frecuencia.
viaje 4 menos!
December 2nd, 2009 en 3:49 AM
Alhamdulillah! I guess I am always on your side and it is hard for me to see him in good light when you are suffering. I think the good increases when you acknowledge, are grateful to God and the person involved in it. He sounds like a romantic with the dinners and stuff. May Allah swt continue to increase the love between you and Alex ameen, may He swt heal your heart from the injustices done to it and may He swt reward you with the jannatul firdous. AMEEN!
and about the boring good stuff. GIVE IT TO ME BABY! En LOVE reading about the good as I make du’a for you that Allah swt increases it. I think it gives your regular readers something to cheer you on in. Otherwise its gloomy.
December 2nd, 2009 en 10:08 AM
I think it’s great to hear about the good stuff even if you find it boring. :^D
Alex sounds like a very loving and attentive husband despite the fact that he’s putting you through hell on earth.
Carolinah sounds like an absolute witch. Who the heck does she really think she is anyway? Geesh. He did’nt let her have her way on your anniversary did he? I’m glad your latest scheduling problems worked out and that you took Valentines Day despite the fact that you should’nt celebrate. I wonder if she does? Lol….
December 2nd, 2009 en 2:06 PM
I am glad for you.
December 2nd, 2009 en 5:03 PM
I’m glad you’re part of our blog friendly friends, Curtis Farmer.
December 2nd, 2009 en 5:24 PM
Tuttie, Como Alaikum Salamu! Where have you been? I’ve missed hearing from you. I could imagine you’ve been quite busy.
Thank you much for your imput. It helps me to write when I know what people want to know about my life with polygamy. All suggestions and recommendations are always welcome. Thank you for the du’a. I keep you in my prays, así
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
December 2nd, 2009 en 10:54 PM
Alex makes dinner for you every night after work and even for the days he is away?! Gosh, he’s a better husband than I am!
Mmm… Belgium waffles… *drool*
December 2nd, 2009 en 11:05 PM
Live, Laugh, Love,
Bienvenido a la poligamia 411. I’m glad you’ve joined us and commented. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I had to pull you out of spam. I don’t know how you got there.
You described it right. It felt like I had experienced Hell on earth and despite how kind, romantic, and loving Alex may be, I still suffered tremendously from the acts committed by the very same person.
You asked,”Who the heck does she really think she is anyway?” That’s a question many of us have been trying to figure out for the last several months. She just bogarted her way into my life, made a life with Alex, and dismissed me. It’s like I don’t even exist to her.
Alex didn’t let her have her way on his and my anniversary day, but our day nonetheless was ruined by all the events leading up to it. It was a anniversary I don’t think I’ll forget, a complete nightmare. You could put, “My Wedding Anniversay & Poligamia” en “search keywords” to read the story, si desea.
Regarding Valentines Day, I would love to know how she’s going to respond when she finds out I took four days that included Valentines Day. It appeared, glancing ahead at the tentative schedule, had I not taken the days, she would have been scheduled to be with Alex the weekend of Valentines Day. She may feel as though I stole her days. To Bad!!! I went away with Alex last year for Valentines Day. Yesterday I booked a vacation to the tropics for Alex and me. I don’t think Alex’s mind will be too much on her that distance away. De todos modos, lo que pasa alrededor, comes around…
I’ll take your advice and write more about the good.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
December 2nd, 2009 en 11:15 PM
Donald,
Alex just loves to cook. It’s weird; the men in my family do all the cooking. My mom never cooked. My dad did the cooking. A couple of my sisters think they can cook, but they can’t. I hope they never find my blog and read that. I’m beginning to cook some things now, and I don’t mind doing it anymore. When I was younger I used to cook for my family when my dad didn’t. It was my JOB, until I went away to College. I guess that’s why I hated cooking, because it was a JOB.
December 3rd, 2009 en 12:35 AM
Ok – Donald – now you know the secret! Better sign up for cooking classes.
Inicio, now I understand why you stay with Alex! lol
IVA, I loved the title of this post!
December 3rd, 2009 en 12:41 AM
Bueno, ya know…they say what goes around comes around. She’s earned what comes her way and she has no one to blame but herself, imo.
That’s weird I ended up in spam, thanks for fishing me out! Lol.
December 3rd, 2009 en 1:31 AM
CM, I got a few good laughs out the title myself. Although I’ve never watched the movie, “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly” the title always stuck with me.
IVA, Donald in the kitchen…that’s scary. It may be a little too late for Donald to acquire culinary skills. I think he better stay out the kitchen lol.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
December 3rd, 2009 en 1:36 AM
Live, Laugh, Love, as soon as I saw your name, I knew you didn’t belong there. I immediately remembered you from Amina’s. I thank God that He let me peruse spam and not automatically delete them all. I used to just delete until I realized spam makes errors. You would have been wondering why I didn’t post your comment and I would have lost a friend.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
December 3rd, 2009 en 7:49 AM
Okay CM and Ana, just for that I en going to learn to cook! By golly, my wife won’t know what hit her…
De todos modos, I’ll have you know I cook the best bacon and eggs ever… The eggs are always (bien, nearly always) done just perfect — kind of runny so you get the full flavor, but not so runny that they run off the toast and all over the plate. Oh, and I’m pretty good at knowing just how long to microwave left-overs too!
December 3rd, 2009 en 10:08 AM
Any number of things can trigger a spam filter. Everyone should get in the habit of checking their junk folder once a day. I’ve learned the hard way. Here, our junk folders are set to clear automatically once a week, so after that, everything is gone.
Inicio, thank you for helping us out by giving us a fuller view of your situation. I don’t usually talk about the positives going on for me either, for the same reason you gave, it seems prideful.
I think it is normal to talk about problems. Everyone has problems. We want those problems to just be gone. Once we discover that they aren’t going to just be gone, then we resort to just asking for them to be less painful. But then at a certain point, we realize that just making them less painful is not enough, we need to find meaning in them. We are grateful for the ease and happiness, but forget that we also need to be grateful for the problems, without them we would have no life.
best, and let us know about your marriage site!
j
December 3rd, 2009 en 8:10 PM
You’ve got it going on, Donald!
December 3rd, 2009 en 11:13 PM
Judith, that was profound. I experienced each and every step that you mentioned, even to the point of occasionally thanking God for making polygamy a part of my life. I didn’t thank Him for Alex and Carolinah, the persons that are a part of it too, but for the lifestyle, as I’ve learned and have grown so much. You’re right, without the problems we have no life. I think it’s connected to what Curtis Farmer said. He said there is no perfect situation, nor ideal person. They are what they are. It is what it is.
Thank you for the information about spam filters. The spam thing still baffles me. I just received an obvious spam comment for approval, yet Live, Laugh, Love’s comment was nothing like spam and it got filtered. I guess it is what it is…
I most certainly will keep you abreast of what’s happening with the marriage site. I didn’t know it would be as complicated as it is getting it set up. But I supposed that’s to be expected for someone such as me that knows so little about the working of a computer. No obstante, I’m sure whoever becomes a member of the site (and there’s a special bonus coming with it) would have fun and enjoyment while seeking to make a connection with the special one for them.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
December 4th, 2009 en 7:58 AM
WOW,
Posted 2 days ago, must have forgotten to save it.
I spent the whole afternoon reading everything you had to say. Believe me, I cried until my eyes swelled.
After hearing the emotional hell you have been living; first thing I can think of is, I can not be a second wife. I can not inflict that pain on the first wife. She is the victim, of a man who wants to have his cake, and eat it too.
My Guy, he has told his wife he will marry me. What she doesn’t know, is that there is no way I can go through with this. (ok, I’m not totally convinced she knows, she’s in Egypt, I’m in USA) What I do know as of this writing, part time; does not work for me and the way I see my life.
He is now on day 9 of being home in Egypt. And ZERO communication with me. (I have been hell bent and determined; I will under no circumstances call him) The month of Ramadan in Egypt, with me in USA; I nearly lost my sanity. (They had been separated and without sex for 2 años; he told me he would sleep with her now; durante el Ramadán. Why is beyond my comprehension; but he did it; I just had to ask, after he returned and he answered.) Journaling got me through it. I recall writing; maybe she will die.
So Hajj and EID have come and gone. I stand with a stronger position. In my mind, we are day 9 of; forever broken, and forever apart.
There might be one exception, if he is dead, he is forgiven.
En el pasado 7 months, he has become a part of my family and we openly talk about him. He has said he only told his twin sister of me. Maybe this is a lie. Is he ashamed of me? Is this all a lie? These are only some of the multitude of reasons, why this is ending.
I am very disgusted that I have traded 7+ months of my life, for this type of outcome.
You have invested 3 años, Inicio; Everyday is a trade.
My advice to you is; Trade UP !
December 4th, 2009 en 2:03 PM
ELA:
I know this quote has gotten a little repetitious recently, but that is because it bears repeating. I know it changed my life, and I’m not even in a polygamous relationship.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
— Mark Twain
December 4th, 2009 en 8:26 PM
Thanks Judith,
I couldn’t have said it better, if I were Samuel Clemens, myself.
The more I think of it, the more profound this statement becomes.
Time for me to Option, OUT!
Thanks for the tap on the shoulder to say everyone else can see it, Why can’t you.
December 6th, 2009 en 2:52 PM
EgyptianLovingAmerican,
I’ve been thinking quite a bit about you and your situation. I definitely could understand how you would opt not for a life of polygamy based on the conditions and circumstances that present themselves in your relationship.
I tend to think it quite foolish of a person to enter a relationship (in your situation it would be a polygamous marriage), knowingly and consensually, while aware of all the problems that already exist in it pre-marriage and when there are so many obstacles. That’s what it appears you would be doing should you decide to be the man’s second wife.
I used to question how people knowingly and willfully enter relationships very much aware of what they were embarking upon and then once they’re in it, complain that the problems exist. It’s strange. To me, it seems more difficult to get oneself out of a situation once in it. What would be your reason for entering a “mal” relationship with your eyes wide open? Of course there are some people who truly enter a “bad” relationship, not knowing it was “bad” or not knowing it was as “bad” as it was; sin embargo, that doesn’t seem to be your case.
No obstante, base on what you’ve shared with us about your relationship, you have mentioned no compelling reason to accept polygamy for yourself from what I can see.
My personal thoughts are you’ve come to a good conclusion for you. I could understand you moving on, leaving the relationship and looking forward to, espero, a better one soon. At least you could enter a new relationship with a good beginning and take it from there. Just some of my thoughts.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
January 20th, 2010 en 5:43 PM
Inicio, la “horario” is the bane of my existence!! My #2 is constantly asking for it to be changed according to her work schedule too grrrr.. I am so happy I have company in this scheduling misery, realmente, Yo soy.
January 20th, 2010 en 10:57 PM
New#2, You said the schedule is the bane of your existence. It was the ultimate humliation for me. Of course I knew in polygamy the wives take turns, but not ever dreaming polygamy would ever happen to me, when it did and Alex mentioned a schedule, I was totally dumbfounded. I thought a freakin schedule for our marriage; you’re kidding right? I totally couldn’t handle it.
I think I could have dealt with him just coming and going, but to see it in writing, and have him hand a schedule to me. I didn’t start having imput in making the schedule until 2 and a half years later, as I just couldn’t deal with it. When I finally did begin to take notice, I found out she and Alex had been making the schedule to fit her work schedule. You know how that makes us feel.
To date, it’s an embarassing thing. I speak with my mom or sisters. Por ejemplo, they ask about Alex and I have to say no, he’s not here; it’s not my turn – “MY TURN”. Yuk. My mom gets disgusted. She’s like, “Your turn – like he’s a king.”
On day one, he gave me the schedule with her name on it. Me dijo, en. I told him everywhere her name was, delete it and put Alex. I should only see Alex and Ana’s name on that schedule. That’s how he does it till this very day. I don’t want to see her name on anything.
New#3, I’m happy to know we are not like some three headed freaks walking around; others go through what we go through. Good, bad or indifferent, we have something in common.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
January 21st, 2010 en 9:54 AM
Does this mean that your mother knows about the existence of Carolinah? I was under the impression you were keeping mum about this with your bio family. I may have misunderstood.
January 21st, 2010 en 1:29 PM
No, Judith. You probably didn’t misunderstand, but just forgot since you read the blog so long ago. You first commented in April ’09 durante el “Trampa” (Single-Mongamous- Polígamo).
My non-Muslim biological family knew about Alex and Carolinah’s marriage within a couple days after it happened. I briefly skimmed through some of my earlier posts to find mention of their knowledge of it. I wrote about my mom knowing in “The Day Polygamy Began-My Husband Married Another Woman”, Chapter 2 of My Journey in Polygamy. I wrote about my sister and Mom in “Sobrecarga emocional-Teniendo la carga de la poligamia”, Chaper 3 of My Journey. I wrote about my family in “La vergüenza de la poligamia”, Chapter 5 of My Journey. I wrote about them numerous other places as well.
My mom was the one that discouraged me from divorcing Alex, saying he would probaly return in my life and want to re-marry me without a license so Carolinah and I would be on the same level in the marriage and equal. My mom was the one that went to the funeral that Carolinah attended (Carolinah’s immediate family member passed away and my mom knows Carolinah’s sibbling) and advised me about Carolinah’s presence there.
All of Alex’s family knows about our polygamous relationship, así, as I told them. My biological family knew a lot about Islam and Polygamy, as I advised them all about it when I first became Muslim. We discussed polygamy. They were there with me when I fasted, rezado, celebrated Muslims holiday and everything. They never embrased Islam, but never bothered me about it. They respected my position and I respected theirs (Cristianos) and still do.
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
March 18th, 2010 en 5:43 PM
Dear Ana, I have just found this website and I’m glued! Reading your story is like I have written every word, every emotion, every tear, every incident and every conflict myself! Everything you are going through I am too. I have been happily married to my husband for 14 años. But things changed 3 years ago when he took a second wife. Without me going too deep into the history (it will take me forever) the situation has not improved, in fact I am losing my patience and find it intolerable when he is with her. The difference in my situation Ana is that he splits his time with me here in US (3 months) and her in the middle east (2 months), it’s like a cycle which I know he now finds difficult. Admittedly, when he is here we somehow manage to get on with our lives (even though it is still in the back of my mind) but when he is there i feel terrible and emotionally drained, my mind is exhausted. Family and friends have all said I will get used to the situation but in 3 years I have not, I feel worse than i ever did and am full of anger and bitterness towards him and her. I know he really loves me and tries to make it easier for me, he’s even suggested that both families live nearer so we don’t have to spend long periods apart. Sin embargo,I am unwilling to go and live over there and i could never accept him bringing her here I mean why should I make it easier for her to see him more! I have made dua for Allah to give me patience, and guide me. I thank you for revealing so much of your experiences because it is a relief to know that what I feel is normal and I am not being over dramatic and am not going crazy! Only a woman going through this would understand.
Much Salaam
March 19th, 2010 en 2:24 AM
As Salaamu Alaikum Huda,
I’m glad you found the site here and I’m hoping it will help you adjust a bit better to your life living polygamy. You are always welcome here.
Usted ha dicho, “it is a relief to know that what I feel is normal and I am not being over dramatic and am not going crazy! Only a woman going through this would understand.” I say, it is so extremely important to realize that you are not alone in the way you feel and think, in what you’re feeling emotionally and physically and experiencing psychologically.
I found myself beginning to heal much quicker as I began communicating here with people on the blog and hearing the stories of their lives. I began to realize I wasn’t alone, which made me feel so much better. I didn’t begin feeling better knowing others were suffering of course, but knowing I’m normal and not crazy. For people to sympathize, empathize and care about what I was going through was so comforting, although many of the wonderful persons here on the blog who commented were not living polygamy. It is most important to know that you’re not going crazy; what you feel is normal and you are not being overly dramatic. Sí, your pain and suffering is severe and hurts terribly, more than anyone could know without going through it.
I can say from experience things definitely get better. I don’t think time in and of itself is the cure. Of course you have to focus more on Allah and less on your husband and his other wife. I think our thoughts (whispers of Satan) are what causes the most torment for us and causes us to do and say things that are wrong.
I understand you not wanting to move to the Middle East. You’re having a difficult enough time trying to cope with your life living polygamy here in the USA let alone going to a foreign country where she is and trying to adjust to the cultural change, her family and her. It would be different, if you were all friends and were communicating as a family. I can understand you not wanting her to move to the USA, así. It probably would be more difficult to have her so nearby and know he’s seeing her more often.
I think the key is in trying to control the thought waves of your mind. I can’t stress that enough. I’ve been trying to do that and it has helped me tremendously. It means not giving into the whispers of Satan and staying focused on Allah. Some days are going to be much easier than others. You’ll find you’re making progress and then may relapse. No obstante, you have to get back on track and begin moving forward again.
I believe your husband loves you without a doubt. He didn’t have to stay married to you. Allah allowed him to remain married to you and be with her because he loves you. You said he is trying to make things easier for you and I believe he is. With hardship there is relief; you must believe that and put your faith and trust in Allah. By doing that, I know you will be alright
Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.
March 19th, 2010 en 2:31 PM
Wa alaikum alsalaam Ana
I know you’re right, it is the mental thoughts that are driving me crazy. Sometimes I am o.k and don’t give it another thought, but some days, especially when he sounds happy on the phone I think to myself, ¿por qué, what is she doing to make him sound happy? I want him to feel miserable when he is with her, i want him to realize that this life he opted for himself (and for me) is not a bed a roses (as he initially assumed)! I now know he underestimated the challenges he now faces and to some extent regrets it, but it annoys me that we first wives have to be patient and strong, the one that holds everything together. If we do relapse, someone will comment ‘oh pull yourself together, you should be used to it now’. I mean really, can I ever get used to it?? He has often said to me that I am his rock, do I believe him? He once said to me that he wasn’t as happy with her as he is with me, at the time I believed him but lately…. I now doubt him when once I wholeheartedly believed every little word he said.
I must admit since my patience has weakened I have started telling him everything I feel, even if it annoys or upsets him; it is my way of releasing my frustration and pain and who better to direct it at but him, afterall he is the root cause. He does take on board what I say but implies I am being selfish and greedy and that he is in a situation he cannot get out of (especially as they have a child together). I think selfish is a harsh word, my husband and I were eachothers soul mates for 11 años, we went through everything together, parent losses, childbirth, setting up a new home, travelling, I never had to share him, we were a team. Now I am dealing with him doing the same with someone else and it hurts.
Does it really get better Ana? How long did it take you honestly? Ha sido 3 years now for me and sometimes I can still see it being the same for the next 3 años. Do you know of any couples whose marriage broke down and did not survive polygamy and it is the first wife who opted to leave?
I again thank you for this forum, Much Salaam
March 21st, 2010 en 7:46 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Huda, I think many women in polygamous marriages secretly hope their husbands are miserable when they (los maridos) are with the other wives. Most of us just don’t want to admit it as it makes us look bad and feel bad about ourselves. Aren’t we supposed to want for our brothers what we want for ourselves? I think knowing that many of us are thinking and feeling the same things helps us heal. The question is what should we do to overcome those bad feelings and terrible thoughts?
I had those thoughts and feelings recently, con respecto a Alex. He was with me for three days before his birthday and had to leave day 4, late that afternoon on his birthday. You would think I’d be happy he spent the night before his birthday and the morning and afternoon of his birthday with me – that it would be good enough. Sin embargo,, it wasn’t. I was hoping Carolinah was unhappy that Alex began his birthday with me and she had the later half of that day. I was hoping she was wondering whether he and I were sexually intimate for his birthday before he left me and she was expected to be in the evening. Those are the thoughts that I had. They weren’t good. My thoughts were wasted on wondering what she was thinking and how miserable I was hoping she was and would be. I was haunted by thoughts of her until Alex left. I then had complete solitude and offered Salat (rezado). Once I connected with Allah, I was at peace again and became content once again with my situation. Como has dicho,our situations are always in the back of our mind to a degree.
Huda, what we’re going throught is a heck of a struggle. You asked if we’ll ever get used to it. I don’t know the answer to that. I think it gets easier, but to become totally used to it, we need to hear from someone who it has happened for. To get totally used to it is to love it and feel no more pain in it.
Huda, I know what you mean when you wondered why your husband was so happy. I used to be disappointed when Alex was happy. Por ejemplo, one time I met him for a business affair in the evening when it was her turn. He had to go home to her after we left the affair. He appeared so happy when I met him there. I thought he was happy because of her, because he was now polygamous. This happened quite a few time and then I began to realize that he was happy because he was with me. He’s happy when he’s at my home because he’s with me. The same thing is probably true for you. When he appears or sounds happy, your husband probably is because he’s talking with you on the phone or he’s with you. He didn’t have to call you. If he wasn’t happy when with you, you’d know it. Everyone knows when someone appears to be unhappy.
I believe your husband is probably being honest when he says he is in a situation that he can’t get out of. I believe that with Alex as well. He says too often “the grass always seems greener on the otherside.” He says he made a mistake etc. The truth is they can’t get out of the situation, unless Allah decides that for them. Only Muslims striving to be Believers understand this. It was written before they were born for these men to be in these polygamous marriages. They still will be held accountable for what they’ve done, just as you and I will be.
It does get better Huda, but it take a lot of working on ourselves. If we allow ourselves to wallow in thoughts about her and him, if we don’t beg and plead for Allah to help us, if we don’t zikr and keep our minds occupied with Allah, it’s a hell on earth for us in this polygamy thing. It’s been just a little over three years for me now living polygamy and it is much, mucho, better. Alex was in another country away from Carolinah and me on business for one year of the three that I mentioned. It was not until then that I began to heal, up until then was the worst time of my polygamous life.
I used to beat up badly on Alex, but have stopped. I think things won’t get better for you and your husband until you make a sincere effort to stop beating up on him. I believe when we beat up on them, it only drives them away from us and draws us further away from Allah. Allah wants us to be kind and at peace.
You asked me if I know any couples whose marriages broke down and did not survive polygamy. I only know one sister that I’ve met personally. She was in her early twenties with two kids. Her husband took another wife and the two of them were pregnant at the same time (She was pregnant with the third kid). She divorce him before she had the baby. My best female friend (my Islamic family) said all the polygamous marriages that she knows of have ended in divorce. She’s friends with many sisters in Faith.
Much salaam!
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