Poligamia 411

En “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.

If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?

I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.

Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.

Just some food for thought.

Bueno, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?

Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.

De todos modos, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, In sha Allah.

Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.

Chatelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.

One of my sisters, just this evening, said to me, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.

Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, Te quiero, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.

I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.

Gracias, Chatelaine.

Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.

Hola Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.

Thanks Ana, as always, J.

As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?

What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?

Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.

Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? Esta vez, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.

The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.

I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. La manera que veo que; there needs to be a balance.

I’m happy he and I reach a solution.

Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.

I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.

You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.

There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. Pensé; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.

Efectivamente, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. I said no. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.

New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.

Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.

I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.

Esta es una casa abierta. No hay necesidad de tocar. Sólo ven en.