Allah says, “O ye who believe!  If ye fear Allah, He will grant you a Criterion (To judge between right and wrong), remove from you (all) evil (that may afflict) you and forgive you: for Allah is the Lord of grace unbounded)” – Quran 8:29.

What makes me happiest at this stage in my life is that my thoughts are no longer focused on Alex and Carolinah. That is truly a blessing. I used to obsess over her, about the two of them being together and what they were doing.  Now my thoughts of her and the two of them are so much more controlled and don’t rule my life. I make every effort to turn all my attention to Allah. For being able to do that, I truly thank Him.

Most everyone here at polygamy 411 has been more than kind and supportive and for that too I am grateful to Allah. A few times I was disappointed when anyone insinuate I was a poor example of a Muslim or asked how I could do certain bad acts as a Muslim. To that I must remind them that the Prophets are our example, not me. All human beings sin whether Muslim or not, which is why Allah tells us to repent and ask forgiveness of Him again and again. Allah loves to forgive and loves those who seek His forgiveness with all sincerity.  On that note, I’d like to end for now and just say – Allah’s promise is true; after hardship there is relief.

 This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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Yes We Can!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

The Constitutional Court chief on Sunday threw his weight behind a forthcoming bill to fine or jail men who failed to register their marriages in order to skirt polygamy restrictions.

Mahfud MD said that unregistered marriages, known locally as siri, should be stamped out to protect women and children.

A bill to amend a religious law on marriage is due to be debated in the House of Representatives sometime this year.

“I completely agree with the bill as many people have become victims” of unregistered marriages, Mahfud said. “The children are neglected while [women] are made objects of lust.”

Nasaruddin Umar, director general for Islamic guidance at the Ministry of Religious Affairs, said that the ministry also supported the legislation. He warned that once the bill was passed by the House, all citizens would be required to register their marriages or face legal sanctions.

“No more unregistered marriages,” he said. “All marriages should be legally registered with the state.”

Nasaruddin said the ministry had reviewed numerous cases of men entering into unregistered unions for their own benefit, including under the guise of “avoiding committing sin” through adultery. He also said that some men remarried without the consent of their first wives, which violated polygamy laws.

“In Islam, marriage is very sacred and holy. No man is allowed to fool around with it,” Nasaruddin said.

The Religious Affairs Ministry started drafting the bill three years ago with the aim of protecting women and children. “The draft is now with the State Secretariat and is ready to be handed to the president for review,” Nasaruddin said.

Article 143 of the bill states that “anyone who intentionally conducts a marriage without a marriage registrar faces a maximum fine of Rp 6 million [$642] or six months imprisonment.”

The existing Law No. 1/1974 on Marriage requires people to register their marriages with the appropriate civil registry office. However, there are no penalties for violators.

Nasaruddin said the bill would not ban polygamy, adding that men would still be allowed to marry up to four women so long as they met the legal requirements, which include getting the written consent of their wives.

“However, all four marriages must be registered,” he said.

Ma’ruf Amin, head of the Indonesian Council of Ulema (MUI), said unregistered marriages were permissible in Islam, but could be sinful if they caused problems for the wives or children.

If all the conditions required by Islamic law were met, such as having witnesses and guardians present, he said, then the marriage would be considered valid.

“However, if the marriage creates hardship for other people, such as the husband abandoning his other wives or children, then it is forbidden,” Ma’ruf said.

He acknowledged that some siri marriages resulted in abandoned wives and children, and said that was likely the driving force behind the bill to have all marriages registered.

Ma’ruf said it was up to legislators to determine the country’s civil law and to set out punishments for those who broke it.

“When people conduct siri marriages, it may be legal in accordance with Islam, but they should also be aware of civil law and its sanctions,” he said.

Credit for the above info: Jakarta Globe, Feb. 15, 2010, by Anita Rachman & Muninggar Sri Saraswati

While on vacation, Alex and I had a conversation about the future. We were relaxing on the balcony of our hotel room. It was a bright, beautiful, hot, tropical day. Alex asked, “Where do you want to live?”  Here we go again; I thought. To refresh your memory, Alex and I had this same conversation quite a few times before. In fact, I wrote a post on it, “We are Polygamous - Where are We Going to Live?”  It felt like déjà vu when he asked me the exact same question again.  I couldn’t believe it. I took a super, long, deep, breath and sighed. I wasn’t in the mood to go through this whole song and dance again. It’s just too exhausting, too draining. I had made everything quite clear to Alex when he and I previously discussed the matter.

Nonetheless, the conversation this particular day went something like this: The first thing I said was, “I need to ask; is Carolinah going with us?”  Alex exclaimed, “I’m asking you where you want to live!”  I said, “Before I can discuss this any further, I need to know if you intend to take Carolinah as well because, if so-I’m not going.”  He said, “Then there’s no need to discuss it any further because I don’t want us to argue.” I proceeded to say, “You could come visit me.”  He said, “Thank you.”

Once again I saw how selfish people can be. Alex wants us to move to another State, as the cost of living is too expensive in the State in which we live.  Alex always wanted him and me to move from the time we got married. I always suspected it was to get me away from my best friend, whom he had feelings of jealousy towards. Before we married, I agreed I’d move wherever Alex wanted to go whenever I were to stop working. The problem is Alex never signed our Islamic contract, making what I had agreed to null and void.  Secondly, the variables had changed. Alex didn’t have another “wife” when I agreed to live anywhere he wanted to. 

I could understand Alex wanting to move very soon; you could only imagine how expensive it gets taking care of two families in a State in which it’s expensive to take care of one family. But that’s not my problem now is it? Did I ask Alex to take on another family? Anyway you look at it, Alex has to take care of me. Even if we divorce, Alex has to take care of me, so it’s not my problem! Maybe I’d have more compassion if he wasn’t “married” to another woman while married to me.

I can’t stop thinking how selfish people can be in relationships.  Has Alex considered what he requested me to do? He wants me to uproot, move away from my Islamic family, my biological family, my familiar surroundings, my comfortable home and everything I know…for what?  He wants me to move to a strange State, where I know no one and know nothing of the area.  Of course Carolinah and I would have separate dwellings. It is a way of life for wives in polygamy in Islam. He’ll continue to divide his time between us-that is marriage on a schedule. Please tell me what I am supposed to do while Alex is laid up in with Carolinah watching television, laughing, happy, and enjoying the good life?  I get extremely angry when I think about it.

Now I understand how couples can stay married and live in separate countries. I hear of couples all the time in which one, for example, live in Egypt and the other the USA. I never could understand the concept, but now it all makes perfectly good sense to me. As we get older, sometimes relationships begin to take on a whole new dimension.

My intention is to stay in the State in which I currently live, where I’ve lived my entire life, near my Islamic family, my biological family, my familiar surroundings, and everything I’ve come to know. I’ll stay married to Alex and he can come visit me whenever he’d like.

Some readers have asked me about my happiness in my marriage.  Living some place that I enjoy make me, Ana, happy. Being around my familiar surroundings and people that I know makes me happy. My intention is to stay right where I am.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

“In polygamous households, the father invests less time in the upbringing of his children, because there are more of them. There is also less reciprocal affection between husband and wife, because they spend less time together. Household goverance under polygamy is bound to be more hierarchical than in monogamous marriage, because the household is larger and the ties of affection weaker; as a result, “agency costs” are higher and so the principal (the husband, as head of the household) has to devise and implement means of supervision that would be unnecessary in a monogamous household. (An additional factor is that women in a polygamous household have a greater incentive to commit adultery since they have less frequent sex with, and affection for, their husband, so the husband has to watch them more carefully to prevent their straying.) This managerial responsibility deflects the husband from more socially productive activities.

A woman who wanted a monogamous marriage could presumably negotiate a marital contract that would forbid the husband to take additional wives without her consent. However, she would have to buy this concession from the husband, which would make her worse off than if he were denied the right (in the absence of a contractual waiver of it) to take additional wives. Allowing polygamy would thus alter the distribution of wealth among women as well as among men.

Against all this it can be argued that polygamy would be uncommon in a society such as that of twenty-first century United States. But the less common it is, the fewer the benefits to be anticipated from legalizing it. And I am not sure that it would be all that uncommon. Although few American couples want to have more than two or three children, a polygamous union is not a couple. If a couple has three children, the ratio of adults to children is 2:3. In a polygamous household consisting of a husband, two wives, and four children, the ratio of adults to children is higher: 3:4. So the per-parent burden is less, even though there are more children.

Because polygamy is illegal everywhere in the United States, few Americans think of it as an option. If it were made respectable by being legalized, who knows? There are 400 American billionaires, and several million Americans with a net worth of at least $6 million. Nor, with most women working, is it obvious that a man would have to be wealthy in order to attract multiple wives, though presumably men who wanted to be polygamists would have to be able to offer some financial inducements, since most women would prefer to be a man’s only wife. As more and more men attempted to become polygamists, the “price” they would have to pay for a wife would rise, so polygamy would be a distinctly minority institution. But it would not necessarily be trivial in size or harmless in its social consequences, which would be likely to exceed those of homosexual marriage. Polygamy is banned in most advanced societies and flourishes chiefly in backward ones, particularly in Africa. This is some evidence against legalizing it.”

Information was brought to the atention of Polygamy 411  the courtesy of a very special reader, commentator and friend. Polygamy 411 thank you friend!

A Saudi court has sentenced an employee of the kingdom’s religious police to 120 lashes for marrying six women.

The man said he was not educated enough to know that Islam does not allow men to marry more than four women at any one time, said an official at Ahad al-Massarha court in the southern province of Jazan.

“The judge did not believe him. Nobody believed him. I honestly did not,” the official told Reuters.

The court banned the man from standing as a preacher and leading prayers, ordered him not to travel abroad for a five-year period and to memorise two chapters from the Koran.

The accused, in his fifties, is not a member of the Saudi Committee for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice’s morals squad but holds an administrative position there, the official said.

Shaikh Abdul-Mohsen al-Qaffari, spokesman of the virtue and vice commission, said it was the commission that discovered the case. Judge Salman al-Waadani, who pronounced the sentence, could not be reached for comment.

The court official said, “Members of the commission were accompanied by police when they arrested the man with one of his wives but it was the governor of Jazan who ordered an investigation onto the case”.

The commission makes sure Saudi society abides by an austere interpretation of Islam in the kingdom, where clerics control the justice system.

With more than 5,000 members, its squads roam streets and shopping malls to make sure unrelated men and women are kept apart, that shops and restaurants are shut at prayer time, that women are covered from head to toe and to search for alcohol and drugs.

Islam allows polygamy for men on condition the wives are treated fairly. (Reuters)

Credit for the above info: Arabian Business.com by Souhail Karam on Wednesday, 18 February 2010

What is seen as a breach of family trust has raised questions about Zuma’s personal judgement and whether he has the mettle to lead South Africa.

It has reignited attention to an embarrassing rape trial a few years ago in which he was accused of having non-consensual and unprotected sex with an HIV-positive family friend.

Many read political motive in those charges and Zuma was eventually cleared. But the trial embarrassed the man who, as vice-president, led the country’s moral regeneration movement initiated by former president Thabo Mbeki.

Zuma’s capacity to walk the talk on moral and ethical issues came into question and the latest incident shows that these remain valid and disturbing questions.

It is unclear what impact this has on Zuma’s standing amongst his majority black supporters in South Africa. But, going by the massive support he maintained throughout his rape and earlier corruption trials, it seems the black majority, who form the bastion of his support, are least bothered about his personal indiscretions.

JZ is a popular and highly accomplished political mobiliser who weathered what was widely seen as a carefully choreographed scheme to block him from ascending to high office following the conviction of his private financial adviser, Schabir Shaik, for corruption which forced his resignation as vice- president.

Justice Hilary Squire who presided over Shaik’s trial found that Zuma had a “generally corrupt” relationship with a fraudster who had bankrolled him in return for political favours which translated into lucrative government contracts.

As expected, Justice Squire’s ruling generated a great deal of hair splitting but Mbeki would have none of it. In his words, “the judgment (contained) some categorical outcomes which raised questions of conduct that would be inconsistent with expectations that attend to those who hold public office”.

A leitmotif of those who rallied to Zuma’s defence was to cast him as a victim of political machinations aimed at frustrating his political career. An underlying but barely subliminal line was to hack to a conspiracy theory of the Xhosa (represented by Mbeki) fighting a potential Zulu presidency.

These issues obscured the serious questions on integrity by a man aspiring for high office.

Zuma was, of course, eventually cleared of the corruption charges paving way for nomination by the African National Congress (ANC) to vie for the presidency.

The acquittal is seen as an act of deft political strategy notwithstanding the fact that the National Prosecution Authority was unable to sustain a conviction which entitles Zuma to the presumption of innocence.

Going by the notoriety of the past, it is almost certain that we have not had the last from Zuma’s rich cocktail of controversy. It begs the question whether a man prone to personal indiscretions can diligently execute his mandate and command respect on the world stage.

South Africa is not a nondescript republic. It is a regional leader whose economy is bigger than the combined GDP of the 14-member grouping of the Southern Africa Development Community (SADC).

It has pioneered key blueprints like the New Partnership for Africa’s Development (Nepad) that was reconfigured at last week’s African Union heads of state summit in Addis Ababa. A key player in regional peace keeping initiatives in Burundi and DRC, it is among top contributors to the African Union budget.

The towering image of the iconic Nelson Mandela is a global signature for tolerance amongst different races and that one places special responsibility on the country’s leadership.

While it is difficult to fit Zuma within Madiba’s moral and ethical prism, he must safeguard his legacy and his country’s strategic importance in Africa and on the world stage.

It is within Zuma’s call to decide on personal matters like polygamy on which he has been candid and forthcoming. One cannot begrudge a man who opts to follow the dictates of his culture. However, personal indiscretions and a poor judgement should not be excused.

Simply put, Zuma’s conduct must befit the standing of his office and serve as a role model as the head of Africa’s signature republic. The choice is easy and obvious but one that calls for serious soul searching.

Credit for the above: Gichinga Ndirangu, 6 February 2010, opinion . Gichinga Ndirangu is a lawyer and policy analyst

Listen to Audio: Polygamy is Teamwork . See photo of Jacob Zuma (President of South Africa) and his wives.

Audio provided by ”Times Live Media”- 2/5/10

 I had been doing very good in not tormenting Carolinah. I last attacked her eight months ago. Carolinah never defends herself; she just sits back and take it. I can’t say that it is a good thing in Islam or not.  My understanding is we should defend ourselves when we are unjustly attacked, and not be cowed. Perhaps Carolinah doesn’t feel the attacks are unjust. Maybe she doesn’t know it’s OK to defend herself. I don’t know. Maybe there’s another Ayat in Quran that I overlooked that applies. I’m willing and want to learn. What I’m about to tell you is what followed my relapse:

Three days later (three days after the incident), it was my turn to be with Alex again. The first evening Alex was here with me, he was his usual kind, calm, gentle self, but distant. I was kind to him and acted as though nothing had happened. I tried to talk with him about the matter and he refused to. He said he wanted to wait until Allah gave him more patience. 

The second day, we were pretty much back to normal. I tried to talk with him about the matter again and he did not want to, other than to say I violated his trust. He asked about the photos and I said I deleted them all, which I had done, not long before he came home.

The third day, we went shopping and visited his mom. In our travels, he and I talked about the matter. We talked about our marriage and his to Carolinah.  He said he wasn’t going to divorce her or me. He again stressed how I should be the one to try to bring a truce between her and me. You know how that went.  Again, it was like beating a dead horse. So nothing was resolved with that.

Alex went to work late the next day. He left in the afternoon. It was a repeat performance of the morning of the incident-He kissed me goodbye and said, “I love you.”  I reminded him that the last time he left it was the same thing and he knows what happened. (I hacked his phone and found the photos).  We laughed. I said, “I’ll see you soon, Insha Allah” (That night began Carolinah’s turn). 

It’s important to note: Alex doesn’t say, “I love you” routinely; so when he says it, I know he means it. It just so happened the last two times he said it, they were similar. Nonetheless, the last three days were pretty much uneventful, which I believe is a good thing. What’s to come should be better, as I’ve spoken with Alex by way of email, and advise him I want us to work on making our marriage better.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Following Alex and my telephone conversation, I decided to email Alex after speaking with my wali. My wali had advised me that contacting Carolinah and trying to befriend her would be absolutely futile, and a waste of time. I emailed Alex and said under no condition or circumstance would I reach out to Carolinah to make amends. I advised him that I reached out to her numerous times in the last three years, whether it was good, bad, or indifferent and she reached out to me 0 times. I said she’s holding onto all the bad that she’s received from me as an excuse to never to communicate with me when she never wanted to communicate with me from day one.

I asked Alex to see the real reason Carolinah dismisses me. It was his and her agreement before they married that she wouldn’t have to communicate with me. Here’s some background information, regarding Carolinah and her family: Her mother lived her entire life with a married man. When the man died, the legitimate wife came and claimed the house Carolinah lived in with her mother and siblings. The wife threw Carolinah and her family out. I advised Alex that it is the life Carolinah knows, a life she learned from her mother that being a common law wife or whatever you call it, is OK. I explained to Alex that Carolinah wants to live that life and not the life of polygamy that is Islam.

Finally, I advised Alex that I had no intention of reaching out to Carolinah and if she doesn’t reach out to me, he could expect to continue to live with two women that are enemies to each other, and could expect whatever comes with it. I said his life would continue to be a living hell on earth. I asked how he could expect Allah to reward him in his marriages. How could there be peace, harmony, and tranquility in what exists between him, Carolinah and me?

In closing, I want all to know that I know what I’ve done was wrong. I know it was a terrible thing to do and I defied Allah. I pray that Allah will forgive me, and help me to become a better Muslim.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I figured I’d give Alex and Carolinah a jolt. I needed some activity from them. I took his cell phone, and retrieved the photo of Carolinah’s boobs hanging out her lingerie. Carolinah had written: “lick this…baby.” Beneath it, I ADDED: “because Carolinah’s going to give it to you good.” (It was what she could imagine someone seeing on the internet.) From Alex’s cell phone, I forwarded Carolinah the photo with the text. I knew it would get Carolinah angst, knowing the phone and the photos were still in my possession.

So, I proceeded to go to sleep and awoke around 11:00 a.m. (I usually don’t go to bed until 3:00 a.m., which is why I arise so late.) I got up and looked for the phone on Alex’s nightstand and it was gone. I slept right through him coming there, taking the phone, and leaving. Needless to say, I became agitated that he didn’t wake me. So, what to do now?

I had forwarded copies of all the provocative, nasty photos of Carolinah from Alex’s cell phone to mine. I retrieved the photo of Carolinah with her legs spread wide. Carolinah had written, “Just for my #1 fan eye’s only ur pu..y patiently awaits for u…” I ADDED: “Because I’m a leg gapping ho.” From my cell phone, I sent the photo to Carolinah and a copy to Alex, as well. Now they were aware I had copies of the photos on my phone.

Shortly thereafter, Alex telephoned me. He was polite and kind, but extremely upset. He spoke of trust and blah, blah, blah, the stuff you’d expect me to hear… how I don’t protect him. I let him know many people have trust issues in relationships and the only One we can really put our trust in is our Creator. I asked him how he was protecting Carolinah or me when he keeps private stuff on his phone that anyone could possibly see. He let me know how disappointed he was in me. He advised me how wrong it was of me to TORMENT Carolinah. He said I should have just kept what happened between him and me and not involved her.

I again spoke to Alex about my frustration and anger with Carolinah, the fact that she dismisses me and pretend I don’t exist-the underlying reason for my anger, hatred and revenge. He insisted it was my entire fault. He said I need to reach out to her again in a kind way. How crazy is that?  How much begging and kissing that woman’s *** does he expect me to do?

Alex said he had been looking forward to coming home and being with me this weekend, but now didn’t know what to do. I’m like…here we go again. Is Carolinah going to tell him not to come home again etc. etc? He even asked me why I don’t just divorce him. I said if I want a divorce, I’ll do it when and how I want and he should divorce me, if that’s what he wants. He said he didn’t want that. So that was pretty much the basis of the conversation.

To be continued…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Where should I begin? Well, I got up for Salat (Morning Prayer) and to see Alex off for work. He gave me a kiss, said he loved me, and was on his way. I was happy. A few moments later, I heard what I thought was his cell phone beep.  I quickly looked for the cell phone in hope of catching him before he was too far away, but I didn’t see it. I thought I simply had been hearing things. Nevertheless, I went back to bed for a few hours.

After I awoke and pulled myself together, I saw Alex’s cell phone on the dining room table. I saw on the face of the phone that the caller earlier that morning, at 6:30 a.m., was Carolinah. She was the beep. What to do now? I immediately reached for the landline phone to call Alex to let him know he had left his cell phone. (I didn’t want to be tempted with going into his phone. It’s a sin in Islam to spy on someone.) Then I had second thoughts. I went back and forth about what to do and then the answer became clear. I had to see what she said.

Maybe you remember from a previous post that this same exact situation presented itself to me maybe a year ago or so and I accessed his phone. I can’t remember, off the top of my head, which post I wrote about it in. Nonetheless, I read his emails at that time. So, getting back to the present, I tried to access Alex’s phone again and low and behold he had a password on it. I guess he learned from the first time.

I hadn’t a clue what Alex’s password was or could be. I got myself so worked up in a panic, trying to get into his phone, to the point that I had to go take half of a pill (Xanax) for anxiety. (I have Xanax, as I vacation a lot and need it to fly without panicking. I don’t need it much lately though when traveling.) I tried a few obvious possibilities for the password, to no avail. To make a long story short, I hacked his phone. I found a way to crack the code.

Once I got in, I initially went to the incoming mail, looking for everything sent by Carolinah. To my astonishment, I found approximately five tacky, nasty photos of Carolinah, partially clad in flimsy see through lingerie showing t…s and a.. , talking about “lick this” and stuff like that-photos with naked boobs hanging out the lingerie, butt up in the air…just make me barf. I had warned Alex about leaving stuff on his cell phone that no one should see. I guess he ignored me since he put the password on the phone. To top it off, I read one email from Alex to Carolinah in which he said how he wanted to… and to ….her. You could imagine. Was I furious? Of course I was. So what to do now?

Well, the text under one photo of boobs in the see through lingerie said, “Whose melons are these…”  (The photos were from May 2009 around the time Alex, Carolinah and I had the chaotic, turmoil around his and my wedding anniversary.) So I decided to send a reply to Carolinah from Alex’s phone, saying, “They’re not my Ana’s melons because…..” Then I decided to forward all the photos back to Carolinah with replies, and advised her that I was putting the photos on the internet. In one of the replies, under the photo with the naked boobs hanging out, I said, “These are Alex’s slut’s t..s”. There was more, but I’m getting exhausted talking about it now, especially after living it the last two days. This all began yesterday.

Anyway, I didn’t hear from Alex or Carolinah. So at the end of the evening, I emailed Alex and advised him that he had left his cell phone here, and asked when he’d come by to get it. I received no reply and eventually went to sleep, thinking Alex would come get the phone before going into work in the a.m.

To be continued…

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

No one responded to his question. Nonetheless, I began to ponder it. Without any facts, I’d venture to say many men have an innate desire to be with more than one woman. He was born with that characteristic. I think it is evident by the number of men that “cheat”.  I really don’t like using the word “Cheat”, as it’s not very descriptive; although, we all know what it means.

I wonder what it would be like if everywhere in the world men were permitted to lawfully have more than one wife; how many men would do so? That would be interesting. Of course it’s a big “if”. “If’s” are useless. I know there are some women out there that want to rush in, in mad haste and say, “My husband doesn’t want more than just me (her).” Well, of course that could be true, as I’m not speaking of every man on the planet.

Regarding the second part of Abnu Adam’s question, I think yes; polygamy is sometimes something that men must conquer in order to achieve a higher level of imam. I think in cases where men tried polygamy and it didn’t work and they remained monogamous thereafter, it’s a prime example of how it could help him on his spiritual path. This could possibly happen because he could put behind him that quest for more than one wife (as he had been there and done that), and can now focus on what’s more important, his spirituality.

What are your thoughts about it?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.