Relapse Finale
mennessä Ann on May.16, 2009, aikana minun tarinani tänään
Kertaus, Muutama päivä sitten Alex unohdin ottaa hänen matkapuhelin hänen kanssaan, kun hän lähti töihin. Olen ohitti hänen salasana ja murtautunut hänen puhelimeen. Löysin ilkeä, provosoivia kuvia että Carolinah oli lähettänyt Alex itsestään. Välitin kuvat takaisin Carolinah ja uhkasi laittaa ne Internetiin. Alex talteen hänen puhelimensa minulta. Hän oli hyvin järkyttynyt, ja me keskustelimme siitä, kuten puhelinta.
Kun minun kanssa käymänsä puhelinkeskustelun Alex, Puhuin minun Wali ja sitten lähetetään Alex. Omat Wali oli neuvonut minua että yhteyttä Carolinah ja yrittää ystävystyä hänen olisi ehdottomasti turhaa, ja ajanhukkaa. Olen lähetetään Alex ja sanoi missään kunnossa tai olosuhde olisin tavoittaa Carolinah hyvittää. Neuvoin häntä että pääsin ulos hänelle monta kertaa viimeisten kolmen vuoden, oliko se hyvä, huono, tai välinpitämättömästi ja hän ojensi minulle nolla kertaa. Sanoin hän omistusosuus kaikki paha, että hän sai minulta tekosyynä koskaan kommunikoimaan kanssani, kun hän ei koskaan halunnut kommunikoida minun kanssani päivästä lähtien.
Pyysin Alex nähdä todellinen syy Carolinah irtisanoo minut. Se oli hänen ja hänen sopimukseen ennen he menivät naimisiin, että hän ei olisi ilmoittamaan minulle. Tässä taustatietoa Carolinah ja hänen perheensä: Hänen äitinsä asui hänen koko elämänsä naimisissa. Kun mies kuoli, laillinen vaimo tuli ja väitti talon Carolinah asui äitinsä kanssa ja sisarukset. Vaimo heitti Carolinah ja Carolinah perheen ulos. Neuvoin Alex että elämä Carolinah tietää, elämän hän oppi äidiltään, joka on common law-vaimo tai mitä te kutsutte sitä, on kunnossa. Selitin Alex että Carolinah haluaa elää, että elämä, eikä elämä moniavioisuus, joka on islam.
Lopuksi, Neuvoin Alex että minulla ei ollut aikomusta tavoittaa Carolinah ja jos hän ei pääse ulos minusta, hän voisi odottaa edelleen elää kaksi naista, jotka ovat vihollisia toisilleen, ja voi odottaa mitä tulee sen kanssa. Sanoin hänen elämänsä olisi edelleen elävä helvetti maan päällä. Kysyin, miten hän voisi odottaa Allah palkita häntä avioliittoja. Miten meillä voi olla rauha, harmonia, ja hiljaisuutta, mitä välillä hänen, Carolinah ja minä?
Lopuksi, Haluan kaikkien tietävän, että tiedän mitä olen tehnyt väärin. Tiedän, että se oli hirveää tehdä ja minä uhmasi Jumalan. Rukoilen, että Jumala antaa minulle anteeksi, ja auttaa minua tulemaan paremmaksi muslimi.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
1/29/10
Jätä vastaus
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Koska Salaamu Alaikum!
Tervetuloa Moniavioisuus 411! Kotimme on muslimit ja ei-muslimit. Se on kaikille, jotka haluavat puhua moniavioisuus, tai joka on moniavioinen avioliitto tai harkitsee jollekin. Haluamme ottaa yhtiön. Tee olosi mukavaksi ja liittyä keskusteluun jättämällä kommentin. Odotamme näkevämme sinut täällä taas pian ja usein.
matkustaa 4 vähemmän!
29 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:17 PM
Etusivu, what you did wrong was to yourself. You did not live up to your own standards. Any pain that Alex and Carolinah might feel are their own problems brought upon themselves by their own choices. You need to forgive yourself and figure out how you can live up to your own standards should any other temptation come your way.
As for me, I believe any loving deity understands the frailties of Its creations and would never withhold forgiveness from a repentant heart. Don’t be too hard on yourself — you are a human being with human feelings and human frailties.
(And be very proud of yourself for not following through with your threats. I’m just vindictive enough that I might have.
)
29 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:30 PM
Rebeckah,
I’m going to take your advice. I know I was totally wrong in what I did. There is no excuse for it. I started the ball rolling.
I sought and am going to continue to ask forgiveness, repent and pray and try very hard not to do again what I’ve done. Being vindictive is a terrible thing, tietysti. We are humans with frailties for sure, which is why we must seek forgiveness again and again and again.
I’ve put myself out there on the blog and took a real beating. I hope I didn’t lash back too badly on everyone. If I did I apologize.
I’ve learned quite a bit from this entire experience. I guess it is what life’s all about. I’m still taking in what my dear friend Judith said, “I’m a sick, masochist.” OK. Let me get back to you on that one Judith
Rebeckah, vuonna, I don’t think you would have followed through on the threat. Thanks again my friend
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
29 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:44 PM
((hugs)) Hang in there Ana. It will get better for you. I think overall you’ll find that we are rooting for you and that when you hurt, we hurt for you. When you have a victory, we find some form of joy and happiness as well. We may not know each other personally but we all have found this connection and it was not by mistake that we were brought into each others paths.
You are a strong woman who had a weak moment,that’s normal, it’s human nature. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. She’s not worth it. Keep the faith and you will be rewarded for it.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 12:48 AM
Thank you Live,Laugh,Love. What you said was very sweet and real. It brought tears to my eyes. It touched my heart. I’ve met some very special people here, you for one. Kuten sanoit, we were all brought together for reasons; although we may not know yet what they are.
The little I know of you, you’ve been through a lot, as well and it has certainly made you stronger; I see. What I’m going through could only do the same for me, I pray.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 1:14 AM
Again Ana,
If Alex did fornicate while you were married to him, you are no longer his wife.
Why have you not addressed this issue?
Im sure you will ask for afatwa and I say go to ANY learned sheikh and he will tell you that while u may be legally married to him, you are now also fornicating.
Sister I think you are too good for this. And I am so scared you get a disease from that woman.
WHY R U IN THIS? Enquiring minds want to know.
I am so hurt for you.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 1:19 AM
I would of posted the photos and phone number on Craiglist…. Cause I have done it before. Only it wasn’t a wife, it was some stupid little girl that wouldn’t leave my husband alone and he sent me all the info and told me to make her stop. So I posted away on Craiglist. It’s been a year since she has contacted my husband or myself. It was wrong, but If I was in your situation I would do it again.
Also on what you said in your last post, If Alex brought up the idea of divorce, whether it was to say he wouldn’t divorce you or to ask you why you don’t. Then it means it has crossed his mind or that Carol is demanding he divorce you.
Just a thought to look into.
PS: if you need someone to post the pics and number on Craiglist, then you have my email. LOL (jk)
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 2:14 AM
Oh I hadn’t even noticed this post when I wrote my comment on the previous one… Perhaps you posted while I was writing (which shows just how long it took me to write!) Olen samaa mieltä, God is certainly pleased with a humble and repentant heart. I would still encourage you to look even deeper though, as I wrote about in my previous comment. I’m still not sure exactly what you’re hoping will come out of all this. If you don’t know what you really want (or what God wants) you really can’t move towards it.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 3:24 AM
Oum Mhmd,
It’s really very sweet that you are so concerned. You’re very nice. It makes me concerned for you too. I’m going to be OK, Insha Allah. Thank you for caring.
The reason I haven’t addressed the issue of Alex having sex with Carolinah while he was married to me and not to her is because it’s an allegation that she made. She said it happened. Alex said it didn’t. I don’t have four witnesses. The only other thing left to do is have Alex say it didn’t happen and invoke the curse of Allah on himself if he was lying. I wouldn’t want to take a chance of having the wrath of Allah come down on him like that.
Kyllä. I am concerned about contracting some sexually transmitted disease from that woman. All the suspicions that I’ve always had about how much of a skank she is manifested itself through those photos. Where is the chastity and modesty that a woman is supposed to possess in Islam? I certainly never expected her to have any.
Why do I stay in the marriage. It hasn’t been made clear to me that it’s time to leave. I said previously in a comment to EgyptianLoving American, everything has it’s appointed term. I know from what I’ve seen through my work when I was in the work force, victim’s of domestic violence were always asked why they just don’t leave. They’d come up with many good sounding valid reasons, but the bottom line is – Allah decides. They couldn’t get out until it was time. I believe it works that way with everything in life. Allah wrote the script and the ink is dried. We just don’t know what was written so we live it and learn it.
Heather,
That’s a very interesting story you have there. You’re nobody to contend with. I’m glad it made her leave your husband alone. Sounds like she was a fatal attraction LOL.
About Alex and the divorce, he probably has thought of divorce. I’m not at all concerned with it. He’d obviously would be doing me a big favor by divorcing me, as I wouldn’t have the burden of that decision anymore. I know Alex needs relief from this siutation, as it’s taking its toll on him. I think the only way we’d divorce is if I divorce him. That’s what he always tell me. I don’t have anything holding him to me. He has his own money and I have mine. We have no kids. He could easily just go live with Carolinah. I’m sure she’s putting pressure on him to divorce me. All I can say is we shall see.
Craiglist huh. You’re really funny. Thanks for making me laugh!
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 4:06 AM
That’s the thing Donald; I don’t know what I truly want. I know where I went wrong. I married for the wrong reasons. I didn’t marry a man for his Faith…a Muslim for a Muslim, a Believer for a Believer, an UnBeliever for an Unbeliever. Alex and I weren’t on the same page. He might be trying to get there, but perhaps not for the right reason. Perhaps he’s trying to be on the same page now simply to save our marriage. Kuitenkin, you made a good point. I need to consider what exactly it is I want.
I think what happened Donald is I took too long to write. I started writing. You wrote and finished before me.
Joka tapauksessa, I’m going to bed now. It’s 4:00 in the a.m. and I have to get up for prayer in just a couple hours. Chat with you again soon, my friend.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 5:41 AM
You are mentioning your ‘wali’. As I understand it a ‘wali’ may have a function representing the bride before marriage or at the marriage ceremony (nikah). I never heard that a ‘wali’ still has a function after the marriage. Now your husband and you are partners and no one else should interfer. What are the view of others?
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 5:51 AM
What if my husband knows near nothing about Islam?
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 7:22 AM
As salaamu alaykum.
No, I posted my response on the continuation before reading this. Guess it’s old news and an unwarranted scolding. Sorry, Etusivu!
As for the wali thing, Haji Rafik is correct. The role of the wali is to facilitate a marriage while taking responsibility of the woman’s rights and the investigation into her husband to be. After that, he is just another non-mahrem man she is speaking to about her business or turning to instead of her husband – the one she should obey.
What if your husband knows nothing about Islam? Then he should be avidly seeking correct knowledge from reliable sources and calling the local Imam or submitting questions to scholars himself. The man who doesn’t have knowledge and doesn’t continually seek it is not able to be a responsible husband. Tietenkin, if there is a matter that the husband asks his wife to investigate on his behalf, that is different. Kuitenkin, that isn’t the case is it? The man you marry is the man you are convinced you will be able to obey with conviction.
A Mai thought:
Islam is like a decorative pot in the corner of your living room. It is in the corner because it wasn’t a priority when you married. Nyt, you keep trying to shine it and have Alex admire it, see how beautiful, valuable, and important it is. Kuitenkin, the television is much more interesting and entertaining to him. He may absent-mindedly run a duster over the pot in your presence, but he never stops watching the television.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 7:48 AM
What you did is so wrong,they are married,it’s normal for them to share intimacy,pics etc.
If you can’t tolerate his second marriage just divorce him.You call yourself a muslim,you will have to respond to ALLAH for your actions.
I think it’s pretty sick of you to say that she would like to have the same thing that happened to her mom repeated.Maybe she doesn’t trust you because of what she lived through as a child.
let go or live with it.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 8:52 AM
Etusivu, I am sending prayers and a big hug your way!
I know this has been a very painful and emotionally upsetting time for you. As you can see you have many of us who support you and care about you. If I had been in your situation, I am pretty sure I would have done and felt the same things you did. I am not saying it was right, just that many of us would have reacted the same human way. The important thing now is that you start to move forward again. I can see that you are already doing that!
I know you will come out of this “relapse” wiser and stronger than ever and will learn what you need to from this experience.
Ole varovainen Ana!
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 9:30 AM
Etusivu, I think you answered your own question there. If he knows nearly nothing about Islam why is he attempting to practice polgamy based on it. Is he using Islam to keep you in the marriage and then not practing with Carolinah? I love your story, you are so strong and so brave. Best of luck in all that you do.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 10:28 AM
Etusivu,
Yes if he denied the fornication, you r to believe him. Shes just a Bitch playing with your mind, probably hoping you will leave. I know you dont want to disclose much about yourself. You say you have your own money, so I know u r not financially dependent on him.But I am just so curious as to your profession and education level because u seem very intelligent and I just feel like you are very secure about yourself and Im just guessing you are very pretty.
So do think what is it that you want in a relationship and then see if u have that with Alex or you might find it elsewhere.
Do you not want to have children ever or just now?
There are so many practicing brothers out there, why stay with someone who doesnt even care about the deen?
Does he even pray?
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:19 AM
subhanallah, may Allah accept all of your and everyone’s duas for forgiveness. Allah is al-Ghafur (most Forgiving) and the Ar-Rahman/Ar-Raheem (most Merciful, most Compassionate). You had a moment of weakness. My heart hurts for you though. You are in a very bad position, and either you aren’t able to or arent’ willing to leave it. I think you deserve better. But you and Allah alone know your situation better. May things improve soon, insha Allah.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 2:22 PM
Safa,
Yes, I am a Muslim. Are Muslims perfect? Are Muslims without sin? Yes, I’m going to be accountable for what I’ve done. Did I say I wouldn’t? Is there any human being that is not going to be accountable for what he/she does? A Muslim is one who repents when he/she commits a wrong, asks Allah’s forgiveness, and makes it his/her intention not to do the wrong again. And if he/she does commit the wrong again, which he just might do, he/she continues to ask Allah’s forgiveness, which is why Allah says He forgives again and again and again. He tells us to continuously turn to Him for forgiveness. If we commit wrongful acts we should not despair of Allah’s help, forgiveness and mercy. Joten, just because I’m Muslim doesn’t mean I’m without sin and can prevent committing it. Are you Muslim? How many sins have you committed that no one knows about simply because you’re not blogging about it?
With regard your statement that I am “sick”, if you do some studying of human behavior, you will discover that most behavior is learned from when we were a child, from our childhood; it is called our formative years. What we see, hear, know, and experience a lot of times is what we repeat. It shapes and forms us. I’ll use the example of domestic violence. Victims of domestic violence many times came from families in which there was domestic violence. They lived it and go on to live it with spouses who are abusers or they themselves become abusers of their spouses and children. When victims go into counseling they are taught and have to learn how to break the cycle/pattern of violence. To use an Islamic example: Noah cried unto his Lord for Him not to leave a single unbeliever on earth for they will breed none but wicked ungrateful ones.
The point I made in the post is that Carolinah grew up in a household in which her mother was living with a married man. I’m sure Carolinah knew her mother wasn’t married to the man and that the man had a legal wife. When the man died the man’s wife came and took all his possessions, including the house. I was simply indicating how Carolinah in a sense is repeating the behavior she learned as a child. Do you think she is actually viewing her marriage as one of polygamy or is she just repeating the behavior of her mother, living in a relationship with a married man? If Alex was to die, and his name is on anything associated with Carolinah, including her house, as Alex’s legal wife, I’m part owner of her house. So, I suppose Carolinah is living in a bit of fear, but she put herself in that position. She’s repeating a pattern of behavior that she learned. She doesn’t much care whether she’s seen as a mistress or girlfriend on the side, or the fact that she’s not a “oikeudellinen” vaimo, not because it has anything to do with Islam, but because it’s what she learned growing up. So, so much for my sickness!
Lisäksi, you told me if I don’t like the situation, get out of it. Do you think it’s really that simple? Try getting out of some of the things you’re in that you don’t like and let me know how easy it is.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 3:01 PM
I completely agree with your analysis of Carolinah’s behavior. Good job. That makes me think about my possible polygamy learning disability syndrome.
Although born and bred in a muslim country I have not seen polygamy in my growing up years. When I was 25 (not so long ago) I met one (and only so far) polygamist woman in real life (a 3rd wife) and she was happy because she and her sons get 1/3rd of a big estate. She thought its her duty that she keeps her husband happy but she didn’t expect anything (tunne-) from him. Because she had already got what she wanted secure and lavish life for her and her children.
What I want to say here is that my opinion of polygamy comes from the absence of polygamy in the environment I was growing up in. Joten, I am sorry when I sound rude because I can’t fathom the idea of polygamy and can not think with a polygamist mind.
After reading all these polygamy blogs I was shocked how can people even hope to remain happy even for 24 hours straight, let alone for whole life. Maybe I have polygamy learning disability syndrome because of absence of polygamy in my formative years.
I wish one day Alex comes home to you and tells you that he is very sorry for what he has done to you in last three years. And that he has divorced (left) Carolinah and he will be exclusively yours for the rest of his life. And you tell him that you want to have children and are ready to lead a happy family life with him. I think facing challenges of life together bring husband wife together. If there are no challenges then life become monotonous and someone in the marriage may want to cheat to spice up his/her life. Children are the most natural way of bring positive and rewarding challenges in life. Your kid will be the only third person in the marriage which will bring you two closer. Your kid will bring up positivity of both of you and you will end up falling in love again and again and again.
I am sorry I got carried away with my Ana-Alex fairy tale. I hope I have not offended you by mentioning children.
As long as you will keep mentioning a third person in your marriage I will keep pleading, “leave him, leave him”. Please feel free to ignore my requests of leaving him because I can’t say all those things like “shoo satan away, you are wrong etc.”. I will always say that you are not wrong you have been wronged by the person who was supposed to make your life heaven on earth. But he did the opposite.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 3:18 PM
Dear CM,
You always find just the right words to say exactly what makes me feel everything is going to be OK, and it helps me to move forward in a positive way. It always helps knowing you’re here. Thank you for your prayers and hugs. Muuten, your children and grandchildren are so fortunate to have you as their mom. I have to come visit you at your home (Blogi) again very soon. On hyvä päivä!
Krystelle,
Thank you for being here, for your words of encouragement and all your support. It always means so much to me. I always enjoy hearing from you. Thanks again for being here and commenting
Oum mhmd,
I’d really like to share more about myself, but just can’t do it and at the same time safeguard the true identity of all involved. So many of you I would love to know on a more personal level, but have to be content with knowing you in cyberspace. It’s far better than not knowing you at all. There are so many wonderful people here, including you.
To answer your other questions though, Alex prays when he’s with me, of course I don’t know what he does when he’s not with me. I never wanted children, and have no intentions of ever having them. I’ve mentioned else where on the blog, but to quickly sum it up, I took care of my younger siblings when I was like seven years old. Instead of playing with dolls, I had real babies to care for while my parents worked. It totally turned me off from having kids. Funny, it didn’t effect my older sister that way. She became the opposite.
Oum mhmd, Olet oikeassa; there are so many good brother out there practicing the deen. I can’t answer why I stay with Alex; I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I’ve come up with reasons to stay, but don’t know if I’m truly being honest with myself. Kuitenkin, I’ll continue to ponder everything and take it a day at a time for now. I actually wrote a post on “Why I Stay.”
Muslimah,
Thank you for your kind words and your soft tone. What you said was so soothing to me. I thank you for all your duahs. As you can see, I need all of those that I can get. Enjoy your day and be well, Insha Allah. I love you fisibeallah.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 3:32 PM
It sounds like a wrong done to Carolinah has kept her from progressing all these years. It’s a big thing holding her back from moving forward in life and that’s sad.
There are treatments for emotional trauma which work. At least one that I tried worked for me. EFT. Emotional Freedom Technique. Something to look into. It deals with several Eastern techniques and personally I think it was another piece that saved my marriage.
I went through it nearly a year ago. It’s a lot of acupressure but more than that. There is a lot of energy work (life energy) involved. It’s not easy for me to explain it but I recommend googling for it. And no, I don’t believe anything is the silver bullet to solve all problems. But it helped me.
emofree.com
Something that might help Carolinah get over her trauma.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 5:27 PM
U235Sentinel,
Thank you for the info. on “Emotional Freedom Technique.” I shortened the link, as I didn’t want to give them unpaid advertising. I hope you don’t mind. Everyone, just add the www. to access the site. When I get a moment, I intend to check into it myself. It sounds very interesting.
One day, if Carolinah and I ever do communicate, I’ll share it with her, if it’s God’s will. It is sad that she’s repeating a negative pattern. Her mother never felt a need to communicate with the legal wife and Carolinah, FROM DAY ONE (before all this crazy, chaotic mess and my abuse of her) had no reason to communicate with me. She never grasped or embraced polygamy for what it really is. Oh well…At least you understand what I’m talking about, U235Sentinel.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 10:38 PM
I understand Ana that you cant reveal much about yourself, I accept and respect that.
Still I am even more intrigued with you as you are obviously well versed in your deen, mashallah.
Alex is part of your rizq, in case any of u that dont know rizq is not only money that Allah gives in this dunya but also people, knowledge, jne..
And my last word on this breaking into his phone thing…
You did what EVERY woman would do, and you know it was wrong, and I know it was wrong if it is called spying…
but LISREN WORLD: WE ARE WOMEN, WE DO THESE THINGS!!!!!!
Enough scolding already, in the original post Ana said she did something wrong
Aiasha asked the Prophet Muhammad (rauha ja siunaukset hänelle) what was the best dua to say in tha month of Ramadan, (I know its not Ramadan now) but he replied: ” Oh Allah, you are most forgiving and you love to forgive, so forgive me ya Allah”
Well since Allah loves to forgive, what would he do if all were perfect?
Ana if u made tauba (sincere repentence) then know you are forgiven.
Allah forgives even murder (which is what Im afraid I might do to Carolina, if I was in your position)
What he doesnt forgive is shirk (if u die on it), and I doubt very much that carolina is muslim, although I would advise her to get to it, for none of us know when the Angel of death will come, and Im praying he comes to her soon!
She doesnt reach out to u or have anything to do cause she knows she is just a side dish (and doesnt mind)and has no rights to anything, even common decency from you. You are very right about the formative years. Which reminds me would you please make some special dua for me, I am living in a very bad situation with many children and NO I CAN NOT JUST GET OUT as one of your readers said.
Love your spunk, am praying for you.
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:20 PM
I hope it helps. I’ve been learning a lot about Eastern medicine and philosophy. There is a lot of good stuff there the west is ignorant of. I didn’t always believe in ‘chi’ or energy work. Accupressure or Accupuncture is new to me. I’ve seen what it’s done for my family and for me. I figure if It can work for me (while not believing it’s real) then maybe there is something there.
It may not work for you or your family but it’s a place to start and I like it
30 tammikuu, 2010 on 11:55 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Oum Mhmd,
Thank you for coming to my rescue! I was at my wits end, feeling I couldn’t defend myself against anymore punches. It seems Allah SWT always send special people when I need them most.
It would be really nice to meet you. You seem to be a wonderful person. I think I could learn very much about the deen from you, undoubtedly. Who knows what the future holds. Perhaps we’ll meet in Jannah, Insha Allah.
Of course I will make much, much dua for you, Oum Mhmd. You hang in there. Continue to remember Allah SWT much and everything’s going to be OK; for the Remembrance of Allah is the greatest thing without a doubt!
Thanks again for helping me out here and for the dower. I love you fesibiallah.
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 12:07 AM
U235sentinel,
We have a lot in common. I have a strong interest in Eastern medicine too. Forget western medicine. I think I’d rather die than have western surgery. I believe in herbal medicine. I underwent accupunture for a condition years ago. Strange though, it didn’t seem to help me for that.
I’m fond of herbs, especially herbal tea. I like that the Magic Power Coffee has herbs (Goji Berry, Ginseng and Horny Goat Weed) siinä. I used to take Tai Chi lesson, sekä, until my instructor passed away. He was different. He had out of body experiences. Nyt, I focus mainly on Kundalini Yoga.
I have some books on eastern medicine, but I think they’re packed away in the garage now. It’s a fascinating topic.
I’m wishing you continued success with it!
Tämä on avoimien ovien. Ei tarvitse lyödä. Tule in.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 2:18 AM
Just reread your post and it had me thinking. We have all come short of God’s expectations of us but I believe he understands that we all want to do good and not evil. That we struggle with temptations every day.
I also believe that he’s a lot more forgiving of us than we are. That many times we are far harder on ourselves than he usually is.
Vain ajatus.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 2:21 AM
I think western medicine has it’s place also however it seems to be more for trama cases and not necessary for healing what the underlying problem is. They treat the symptoms but that’s it.
Joka tapauksessa, the guy who does EFT here in my area did it a little different. He employed Chi Gong and a few other things which also brought me to Tai Chi. I’m a beginner and learning on my own. It’s not as easy by yourself but it is possible. Bought a couple of DVD’s which help give me more direction and ideas.
Joka tapauksessa, I’ll stop now. I can talk about that stuff forever it seems
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 4:53 AM
As salaamu alaykum Oum Mhmd, Etusivu, and all who are struggling.
It is clear you are going through a long and serious test from Allah. Between my own experiences and those of friends, I know that some bad situations seem as though they will last to our grave. I can remember moments when friends told me I had every right to complain, and I said through tears that if it was my ticket to Jennah then I didn’t care. (For those who may misunderstand, I’m not saying that we have to put up with anything and everything, simply that to bear with patience reaps us the biggest reward.)
Interestingly, once we say a big, “Alhamdul’Illah ala kully haal” (all praise is due to God for everything) for our situations, knowing that they are sent especially for us by our Creator as a means of drawing us closer to Him, things almost always ease. “Verily, after every difficulty there is ease!” (surah Inshirah, ayat 7)
Smile through the tests my dear sisters. They are a sign of Allah’s Love. Smile through the tears and know that every hardship you bear with patience and gratitude will clear some of your account. Smile, knowing that Allah continues to send hardship upon hardship, test upon test, to His faithful servants until they meet Him with no sins. Smile, knowing that with each test passed, your rank in Jennah is elevated. Smile, my beloved sisters….because Allah will always send you what you need, and because there are many sisters out here in cyberspace loving you and making dua’ for you – an army of believers on your side.
This life is transitory…Jennah is forever. Let’s strive for it, one grateful minute and thankful smile at a time.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 8:12 AM
Etusivu
Salaams. I think you’re an amazingly strong person and getting stronger (these tests are not breaking you they’re making you!
HOWEVER, you have to ask yourself whether it’s worth it? Is Alex a muslim (että on, does he pray his salat, fast, hajj, sacrifice as well as shahada or strive towards such as we all lapse sometimes) and does he enable and ease your path deeper into Islam? Jos näin, alhamdulillah, I suggest you persevere.
Jos näin ei ole, as we are only on this earth to believe and worship Allah, anything which deviates or thwarts this aim, is to be left or avoided. Varmasti, divorce is disliked by Allah but allowed in certain circumstances. Your foremost duty is to your Lord and if anyone who takes you away from him by their actions or words then you must question your affiliations.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 10:36 AM
Etusivu,
I did not say you were a sick masochist. If you look back on my actual response, I think you will see it had a different tone.
But thank you for referring to me as a dear friend. Because I’ve been a little anxious, and I just hope that friendship is still intact.
Hugs,
j
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 10:42 AM
oum mhmd, I would just like to let you know that there are resources if you need help in getting into a safe place. If you are having trouble finding them in your area and would like me to do some research for you, just let me know, I will find something for you. I am not trying to make you leave or anything, I just want you to know that there is probably more help than you realize. Even if you think you must stay with your partner/spouse to stay in the country (if you are in America on a visa or something) there are still options for you. PLEASE don’t settle for a bad situation. I will certainly do everything in my power to help you.
Best wishes!
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 1:14 PM
For all those who are suggesting Ana leave her husband or questioning why she puts up with this:
What exactly has Alex done to make you say this? So far what I have seen Ana write about on this blog has been about her struggle with living in polygyny. Kyllä, polygyny was sprung on her, yes she has issues with Carolina…however I strongly suggest those who recommend her divorcing him take a step back and check yourselves on your advice, especially those of you who are muslim. As muslims we all know that polygyny is a possibility regardless of how much a man claims he will never do it…things change and situations change and if you are suggesting she divorce him b/c he has done something HALAL, you advice is faulty.
From what I have read Alex gives Ana her rights, he takes care of house and home, and he seems like a good husband in general. THE ONLY ISSUE HERE IS POLYGYNY AND THE STRUGGLE THAT COMES WITH IT. Advise her to be patient, to make dua, to take her issues to Allah…don’t make her question her commitment to her marriage. For those of you who are pointing out Alex’s Islamic weaknesses…what is your point? Divorce isn’t the sollution. Remember the story or Pharoah’s wife, Assiyah, in the Quran? Her husband was a kaafir who murdered thousands of men and yet, she didn’t divorce him even when she accepted Islam. She remained patient in the face of adversity and Allah has promised her a loftly place in heaven. And remember the story of Hajar, the wife of Prophet Ibrahim, she did not request a divorce when the prophet left her and her son in the desert and didn’t return to them. She was patient and trusted Allah first, then her husband. They are the best of us and it is to their example that we should look to in situations of hardship. Running is the easy thing to do. Kuitenkin, Etusivu, imagine the barakah you receive by being patient and steadfast through your struggle and turmoil. Remember Allah has said He is with those who are patient and persevere and that all our harship is a mercy and an expiation of sins.
Abu Hurairah also reports that Allah’s Messenger, peace be upon him, sanoi:”For every misfortune, sairaus, levottomuus, grief, or hurt that afflicts a Muslim – even the hurt caused by the pricking of a thorn – Allah removes some of his sins.”
Remember this in these difficult times Ana.
31 tammikuu, 2010 on 9:21 PM
Aysha,
Tervetuloa moniavioisuus 411. It’s nice that you have commented. Thank you for your kind, supportive words. I can’t begin to tell you how appreciative I am.
Koska Salaamu Alaikum! It’s always a good feeling to welcome a newcomer
I’m glad you’ve reminded me of how important it is to safeguard my imam and to question whether Alex is helping me to grow nearer to Allah SWT, or is leading me farther from Him, and astray. I think the test that I’ve just received and failed is leading me closer to Allah SWT, that’s for certain.
Once again I am questioning my affiliation with Alex. I agree with what you’ve said, erityisesti: “as we are only on this earth to believe and worship Allah, anything which deviates or thwarts this aim, is to be left or avoided.” I’m inclined to take the avoidance road for now. I intend to distance myself from Alex, as much as possible, and turn all my attention to Allah SWT. I think it can be done, but will be difficult. Thank you Aysha!
Muslima,
Thank you for taking the time to remind me of the stories that you related. They are very inspiring, which is an understatement. Those stories are exemplar. I’ve previously wondered if I would be able to follow the example of Pharaoh’ vaimo. She had such strength and resolve. I know she had a tyrant over her, presenting her from leaving, but I’m going to try to be strong, remain in my situation and continue with the test. Insha Allah, it will work. With all the support that you and everyone has given me, I think I can do it. Thank you A Muslima!
As Aysha said I must leave or avoid. I know it must be one. If avoidance doesn’t work, I must look seriously towards leaving.
Muslima, that is a pretty gravatar. There’s only been a few so far, Curtis Farmer, Rebeckah, and you. I think there was one more. I remembered who it was, but now it’s slipped my mind again.
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1 helmikuu, 2010 on 12:47 AM
U235Sentinel,
Sometimes western medicine is just so wacked-at least my experience with it. I’ve had doctors say over the years, there is something there, inside me; it’s not harmful though. We need to cut it out of you, but it might grow back. Olen kuin…hellllo; you’re going to slice me open, take out something that is not harmful and it may grow back…Am I missing something here? Just like it grew there, it can disappear and it did gradually, overtime, disappear, after asking God to remove it and believing it would happen. Good luck with your Tai Chi. A good instructor is hard to find, but if you find a good one, you’ve got a pot of gold. So much for polygamy…
Judith,
Our friendship will always be intact, if it pleases God. I didn’t mean for you to feel anxious. Pyydän anteeksi. I enjoy your literary style of writing. It’s very intellectually stimulating and challenging. Every now and again, I call my friend and ask him to help me decipher the meaning of your comment LOL I didn’t get a chance to ask for an interpretation on your last comment though. I just thought it had something to do with the joy I must experience in inflicting pain upon Carolinah
Reva,
That fairytale about Alex, me and kids, that truly is a fairytale. It just ain’t gonna happen, not in this life. It was a nice day dream though…more like a nightmare for me LOL
Rebeckah,
You reaching out to Oum Mhmd was sincerely precious. I hear so many touching stories here, and wish I could do more. Just offering to help the way you did, helps. Thank you so much for being here, and offering to help. Big ((hug))
Haji Rafiq,
Koska Salaamu Alaikum! About the wali and his position in a woman’s life that you were questioning, there’s discussion about it in a previous post that you may be interested in reading. I think you will find it if you put the title, “Wali as Protector”, in the search box.
I think a wali is like a guardian or guide, which is very important to have if a girl/woman comes from a Non-Muslim family and has no one to represent her, no one she can turn to for help. An imam can only do so much, as there are so many women needing assistance and the imam has so many responsibilities. Muslim women cannot always rely on their husbands, especially if the husband’s imam is weak. He can barely guide himself let alone guide someone else. He can certainly lead her astray or enslave her. Those are my thoughts.
To Everyone,
I hope I didn’t miss responding to anyone. I certainly don’t intend to. I’m going to go try and get some sleep now. Adios Amigos!
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1 helmikuu, 2010 on 5:53 AM
Koska Salaamu Alaikum, Ei koskaan
I just re-read your last comment to Oum Mumd, all our Sisters and me. You always give such wonderful dower and you say it with so much beauty. What a special gift Allah has given you to be able to uplift spirits and give strength to those who hear your words. It’s truly is a blessing and I can only pray Allah SWT continues to bless you tremendously for it and give you a high rank in Jennah
And it’s OK, Ei koskaan. I know you never mean to hurt anyone, that’s what I do LOL Just kidding…
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2 helmikuu, 2010 on 4:31 AM
Hi,
Ir seems that Alex prefers both women for different reasons, and I think that is fair ‘nough. Ana’s breech of their privacy is a naturally human enough mistake as well, and indicates immaturity and poor discipline, meaning Alex is being merciful by holding on to her.
His Islamicity is a moot point as it is obvious he is not a sincere practiioner, so it is not the question or the issue here, but rather it is Ana’s inability to cope with his desire for the “other woman.” It all comes down to jealousy as I see it, one of the seven deadly sins. Better to deal with the real issues head on I think.
joseph
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 12:56 PM
Hi Joseph,
I agree with you that Alex’s “Islamicity” pretty much has been established. Secondly, I agree Alex clearly wants Carolinah and me for different reasons. Lisäksi, I agree I am having and have been having jealousy issues, regarding Carolinah.
I must disagree with you, kuitenkin, when you say Alex is being merciful by holding onto me, as I’m immature and lack discipline. Is immaturity and lack of discipline reasons enough to leave a marriage? When should a man remain married to a woman, only when she’s flawless in character?
Joe, I like your word “Islamicity”
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2 helmikuu, 2010 on 1:44 PM
Mai and Rebeckah,
Thank you both for your offers of help and uplifting words. I am not in need of any help but thank you so much for offering, I am in the Middle East, my problems will be solved soon inshallah, things here just take lots of time. Luckily the country I am in gives women their rights and more, I also have friends in high places, alhumdallah
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 2:45 PM
Salaam Ana,
i must say that while reading your i relaped post i got severely ill! That woman!!! You’d think that kids and a couple of decades later she would have some decency about her but NO!! Poor needy carol keeps rockin’ that thang!!…and i dont think you acted out at all! Had it been me i would have(after throwing up a good number of times) waited patiently at the door waiting for hubby to get home before throwing the phone at him so that everytime he looks in the mirror he’ll see the word MISTAKE screaming right back at him. I would really like to say something pious and thought provoking but i cant think of anything besides beating carol up with a nice bauer pan pro”,)those things are DEADLY I TELL YOU!!
anywho at the end of da day when alex loses his sexual apetite he’ll finally see carol for who she really is and what she wants from him, he’ll come back running to you screaming, “Etusivu!, i’ve seen the light!”…and hopefully by then you’l take him back and look past his many,(many….MANY) faults
well i have to go learn my Qur’an now, wasallaam
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 2:56 PM
Oum mhmd, I am happy that you have options and a resolution in sight. I’m happy for you AND your children. You have my best wishes!
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 7:45 PM
Salaam Zainab,
You sure know how to add humor to a comment. I got a whole bunch of chuckles out of that one.
I know you said you’ve been thinking polygamy for yourself may not be out of the question one day, as long as you’re first wife; please keep in mind all the bad behavior and wrongful things I’ve done so perhaps you won’t ever do them. Always try to do good deeds. You have an opportunity to be a much better person than me, to be a real good true devout Believer. I hear it in you.
Oh, you mentioned a day will come when Alex loses his sexual appetite… a tidbit of information, men don’t lose their sexual appetite, especially with Magic Power Coffee and Viagra readily available. I also thought they change when they get older, but they just turn into “dirty old men.” I’ve learned that from my mom and my older female friend my mom’s age.
Thanks for the good laugh
Wa Salaam
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2 helmikuu, 2010 on 7:54 PM
Oum Mhmd,
I’m happy too that you are alright. We love you!!!
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2 helmikuu, 2010 on 8:36 PM
Hi Etusivu-
It has been awhile since I have written. You may not even remember me. I decided against commenting on something into which I have no personal insight, but I frequently check in to read your blog posts and I am always rooting for you!
I just wanted to say (because it seems people have overlooked this in their comments) there must be something wrong and maliscious in Carolinah sending those sexually suggestive texts when Alex was with you!!! Those are your days and for her to send those texts when Alex is with you is her trying to draw attention away from your time with him… and when you look at it from that angle, who is competing with whom??? I think Carolinah is the immature and discipline-lacking party.
That said, you have repeatedly said you were wrong to do this, but I think it was wrong only to you– once you saw that Carolinah was betraying the trust and respect of your complicated marriage AGAIN, you weren’t wrong to be angry and act out. Especially, as once AGAIN, Alex did not see your side but saw Carolinah’s. Who else is going to stick up for you???
Lopuksi, from the blog readers’ perspectives, things did just get interesting! Just a little humor where I know this is actually a hugely painful event for you, I hope you see the laughter in it!
Take care and stay true to you-
Amanda
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 9:08 PM
Hi Amanda,
Wow, I owe you an apology. I knew there was someone I missed mentioning when I was speaking to Rebeckah about the Gravatars. I missed mentioning you and I’m sorry. I failed to mention “Pliggy” and she was perhaps the first. I’ve probably missed someone else, sekä, but certainly not with intent. My apology for the unintended oversight goes out to all whom I’ve missed.
Kyllä, there are many games that are played amongst the wives in polygamy. What I’ve found is that any I tried to play always backfired on me. It (playing games with the other wife/wives in polygamy) is not a good thing to do.
Look at all the craziness this entire situation has created. It turned my life upside down, as it did all the other times I sent nasty texts to Carolinah. But we live it and we learn it. I pray I’ve learned for good this time.
I could see how the blog got more interesting, at my expense, but there were some good laughs that I shared in too. I’m looking forward to going forward and I’m optimistic all will be good. It’s always good to hear from you Amanda.
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2 helmikuu, 2010 on 9:27 PM
Etusivu- Can I ask how Alex is with you now? He has been back for days with you by now, oikeus? I hope he is able to see this for a moment of unrestraint between two women in a complicated situation. I think that to you and Carolinah this may seem like a huge explosion with life-altering consequences. Mutta, miesten (and all their lack of emotional depth) he probably sees this as you slipping up and Carolinah having a womanly emotional response– all just something that will pass. I hope I am right and this is not as drastic a situation as people see it as…
The bright side of Carolinah’s complete disregard for your existence is that you only need to worry about Alex’s response.
I think sometimes we create a drama so we can shake up bad situations. Alex should be told (calmly
) that he can’t have intimate relations with Carolinah on your days, even by phone.
You are overwhelming intelligent, uncompromisingly loyal, and unrelentingly fascinating. All things which I am sure Alex treasures in you. A little shake up here and there is good for your marriage, oikeus?
Take care-
2 helmikuu, 2010 on 11:08 PM
Amanda,
In a post, I’m going to answer your question about the days I spent with Alex following the event. You inspired me.
I think there is a lot of good in Carolinah and me not talking to each other-more good than bad. You’re right Amanda; I didn’t have to concern myself about how she felt. There’s no closeness or bond between us, no sisterly (sisters in Faith) love that binds; vuoksi, I have no compassion for her.
I think you called this one right, Amanda. I did intentionally try to shake this bad situation up and it happened.
Islamically speaking, I can’t ask Alex to not communicate intimately with Carolinah on my days and vice versa, as he is permitted, islamically, to do that. He just needs to spend the night at the home of whoever turn it is and the night can be any length of time, esimerkiksi: an hour or eight. Some Muslims may differ on what the night consists of, regarding time. He is permitted to be intimate with either of us whenever he chooses and communicate with us whenever, sekä.
Thank you for the kind words Amanda!
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February 9th, 2010 on 4:13 AM
Hello Ana,
Toki, he’s being merciful, and that’s part of the bargain in a good marriage. We’re a mercy to each other, especially when being tolerant of faults, and we all have them.
Byeeeeee
February 9th, 2010 on 5:13 AM
Hi Joseph,
You’re absolutely right. After I responded to your last comment, I contemplated (without haste) what you had said and realized you had made a valid point. You were right
Thank you much!!!
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10 helmikuu, 2010 on 1:40 AM
You’re welcome Ana. Keep truckin!
March 12th, 2010 on 9:14 AM
Slm Ana
B4 the discovery of the fotos your life was so full of luv and contentment with Alex as he was leaving for work,and maybe that is the reason u are still with him. U find comfort and feel complete in his luv. That is hard to find even with practising brothers.
Plse do not leave him for his non practise as no one REALLY KNOWS the Bond between The Creator ALLAH Swt and His Creation Alex. We all are making assumptions and judging Alex and in doing that we all are sinning as well for no one has the right to Judge except ALLAH SWT. Only Allah Swt knows the Truth concerning the state of Alex’s Heart in connection with ALLAH Swt. No one knows even a wife if Alex’s heart is busy making the Zikr of Allah Swt while Ana is fast asleep at night.
Maybe just maybe that is the reason Allah Swt has bestowed Alex with such a beautiful gift(Luv of Ana).
Maybe her piety is what will eventually lead him to becum a practising(with his limbs)muslim. Remember its the condition of your heart and intention concerning ALLAH Swt that truely counts. Your limbs could be worshiping for SHOW of people but the ibaadah of the Heart is known to ALLAH Swt ONLY and can be deemed sincere: for HIS SAKE Only.
So people lets not be hasty in judging Alex and his islamic practices for no one REALLY KNOWS THE TRUTH EXCEPT ALLAH SWT.
Ana Plse carry on being the BEST POSSIBLE WIFE PATIENTLY to Alex and INSHALLAH u will enjoy the fruits that your patience wil bear SOON INSHALLAH.
My duas are with u alwayz
March 12th, 2010 on 1:30 PM
Salaam First,
Not everyone is given the gift of being able to say inspiring kind words that reach one’s very soul. You are among that select group. When Allah SWT says to invite all to the way of Allah with wisdom and beautiful preaching, I don’t think He’s referring to someone going out there to a Non-believer and saying become Muslim. It more subtle in that what you say and do would inspire others to want to become Muslim.
I’m taking to heart and mind all that everyone has said to me and others; I’m reassessing me and my life all the time in hopes of becoming a better Muslim.
Thank you much for your duas. I could certainly use all the duas I can get. It’s been said the prayers we make for others are heard before the ones we make for ourselves, so I will make many for you too (f)
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March 13th, 2010 on 11:41 AM
Slms Ana I want to relate the following short story. There was a Muslim Alcoholic who use to spend his entire day in a drunken stupor. All the villagers perceived him as the “greatest evil sinner” alive in their little village. The day he died the entire community refused to bathe or even bury him as he was a great “Sinner” in their eyes. They all distanced themselves from the situation.
A couple of hours after the death of the alcoholic the villagers were shocked to witness hundreds of men in long white robes carrying the bathed body of the alcoholic and following the funeral procession chanting ALLAHU AKBAR.
The villagers had never seen such a glowing and spiritual funeral procession in all their lives. On enquiring what was happening they discovered that ALLAH SWT had sent ANGELS to bury HIS Beloved follower as this ver same alcoholic muslim use to spend all his days drinking alcohol but every single night of his was spent crying for forgiveness and in reading DUROOD the ENTIRE NIGHT in fear of ALLAH SWT being upset with him.
So Ana can we even compare with the said drunk ? Was he not a better muslim than the rest?? WHY do u think ALLAH says we must refer ALL DISPUTES and Differences to HIM coz ONLY HE can be JUDGE and knows the REAL TRUTH.
Anyway take care Ana and hang in there.
March 13th, 2010 on 1:30 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum First,
That is a really good story. Thank you much for sharing it with all of us. It was very nice of you.
I know Muslims who drink alcohol, do drugs, smoke cigarettes, jne.. I never take a position about them, as I know that perhaps it’s their tests. I don’t know if those Muslims are struggling with a thing they don’t want to do and are constantly asking Allah for help and forgiveness.
I can say I’m going to make a sincere effort to be there for Alex. I’ve been trying for a while, which is why I asked Alex to lead me in prayer. Some of the other readers and I had discussed previously me being more patient and helpful to Alex. I pray he becomes receptive to help and guidance. We could only see where Allah take us.
Thank you much First. I will hang in there. Big hug and lotz of luv
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