Problème d'ordonnancement revoit Mon mariage polygame
par Ann mai.04, 2009, au cours mon histoire d'aujourd'hui
Oui. Vous l'avez entendu à droite. Le problème d'ordonnancement dans mon mariage polygame m'a revisité. Comment dans le monde est-ce arrivé?Je ne pensais pas à un million d'années serait Alex, Carolinah, et moi d'être de retour là où nous étions, en faisant valoir sur le calendrier, en faisant valoir sur les jours. Un calendrier est une chose simple à comprendre et mettre ensemble ... Droit?On pourrait le penser.
Je vais essayer de faire aussi bref que possible, puisque nous avons eu plus de problèmes d'ordonnancement ici assez souvent avant. Je suis un peu embarrassé de vous le présenter à nouveau. Je considérais pas le faire, mais vous avez tous été avec moi pendant tout ce temps, en chemin avec moi, je me sens donc vous devriez être avec moi sur ce trop.
La dernière fois que nous nous sommes entretenus au sujet du calendrier, Je vous ai informé qu'il avait été finalisé pour le reste de l'année 2009. Pour récapituler, Alex pense Carolinah était due plus de temps de vacances,mais je ne pensais pas qu'elle était. Néanmoins, on lui a donné quatre jours. Le calendrier a un peu changé depuis ma dernière lettre. Alex sera avec moi durant les années de Noël et Nouvelles, bien que nous ne célébrons pas. Carolinah ne devrait pas beaucoup de soins, comme elle a du travail les jours. Elle a ce type d'emploi. Alors, le programme est complet pour le reste de l'année.
Alex est prévue pour un séjour de vacances à la maison avec Carolinah demain pour onze jours (sept jours plus les quatre jours de maquillage que j'ai mentionnés ci-dessus). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, J'ai soudain reçu une révélation que les quatre jours que Alex avait donné Carolinah n'étaient pas son dû à tous les. Une lumière s'est allumée dans ma tête et tout est devenu clair pour moi vivement. Je l'ai porté à l'attention d'Alex et expliqué. Cette rendre fou de cours. Il déteste traitant de questions de calendrier. Il a poursuivi et sur la façon dont le calendrier a déjà été préparé pour le reste de l'année. Je lui ai dit que je n'ai pas le désir lui de modifier l'horaire ou de prendre les jours de Carolinah. Je lui ai dit que je voulais seulement être indemnisé pour les jours, de quatre jours ainsi, whether this year or next.
Cette conversation a eu lieu jeudi (Action de grâces). Hier, Samedi, J'ai trouvé la preuve que Carolinah n'était pas due ces quatre jours. J'ai trouvé le programme que Alex avait préparé avec des jours de maquillage tous les Carolinah et jours de vacances. Je l'ai envoyé à lui. C'est alors le chaos a commencé. Alex et moi par courriel dans les deux sens plus de la journée. Alex me demandant comment je calcule; quand elle a obtenu les jours, et quel genre de jours où ils ont été etc, etc, etc… Il a insisté elle n'a pas eu ses jours. Il devenait l'ancienne façon de faire nous avons utilisé la programmation (jusqu'à ce que mon wali est intervenu) confondue avec la façon dont nous faisons la programmation depuis Juin 2009. Sur la base de l'ancienne façon de faire les choses, qui est la période en question,toutes ses journées ont été comptabilisées. Alex, à un moment donné, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
J'ai envoyé un certain nombre de Alex plusieurs fois pendant la soirée et tôt le matin avec ma preuve que Carolinah s'explique pas de jours. J'ai essayé de la rendre aussi claire et aussi simple que je pourrais. En fait,, Je viens de terminer lui envoyant un courriel juste avant j'ai commencé à écrire ce post, pour voir si il était venu à une conclusion. Il ne m'a pas retourner par courriel. Je l'ai appelé sur son téléphone cellulaire; cependant, il n'a pas répondu. Il est la maison à cause dès, donc je devrais savoir la fin de l'histoire.
Je suis très perturbé par ce qui s'est passé parce que je sais Carolinah savait bien qu'elle n'était pas en raison des jours où elle a été donnée, mais elle n'a rien dit. Je suis troublé car Alex, qui devrait être au-dessus de l'annexe, une simple partie de base de la polygamie, ne peut jamais faire les choses correctement. Je suis troublé, comme je ne sais pas comment beaucoup de fraude a été commise par Alex et Carolinah dans le passé quand ils ont élaboré le calendrier. Oui, Je sais que c'est en partie ma faute de ne pas être un participant actif dans la prise du calendrier pour environ deux ans et demi. Je n'arrivais pas à gérer le mariage d'un calendrier à cette époque.
Comment Alex gère cette question serait de déterminer comment nos produits mariage. Je lui ai conseillé de celle de l'un des e-mails. S'il ne peut pas être équitable et juste avec moi après tous les sacrifices que j'ai fait dans ce mariage pour lui d'être avec Carolinah, alors je dois savoir si j'ai besoin d'y rester. Si Alex ne peut pas obtenir un droit calendrier simple, nous avons cherche à de sérieux problèmes à venir.
Je vous tiendrai au courant!
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
11/29/09
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Comme Alaikum salam!
Bienvenue à la polygamie 411! Notre maison est pour les musulmans et les non-musulmans. Il est pour chacun qui veut parler de la polygamie, ou n'importe qui qui est dans un mariage polygame ou envisage de conclure une. Nous aimons avoir entreprise. Installez-vous confortablement et participer à la discussion en laissant un commentaire. Nous nous réjouissons de vous voir ici bientôt et souvent.
voyages 4 moins!
November 29th, 2009 sur 6:31 PM
Dans “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Soyez forts. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 sur 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. Alors, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
Par la voie, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
November 30th, 2009 sur 2:49 AM
Eh bien, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 sur 5:42 AM
I hear you (LOL), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “épouse.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 sur 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
De toute façon, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, Insha Allah.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
November 30th, 2009 sur 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 sur 2:50 AM
Châtelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, me dit, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, Je t'aime, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
Je vous remercie, Châtelaine.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 1st, 2009 sur 2:55 AM
Haji Rafiq, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 1st, 2009 sur 11:16 AM
Salut Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Thanks Ana, as always, J.
December 1st, 2009 sur 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. Mais, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
Alors, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
Judith, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 1st, 2009 sur 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 sur 9:06 PM
Châtelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, ainsi. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. Alors, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 2nd, 2009 sur 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
December 3rd, 2009 sur 1:25 AM
Châtelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 3rd, 2009 sur 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
December 3rd, 2009 sur 10:46 PM
Accueil,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
December 4th, 2009 sur 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? Cette fois-ci, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 4th, 2009 sur 6:55 AM
Châtelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “marié” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
December 4th, 2009 sur 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 sur 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 sur 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. Je pensais que; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
Effectivement, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. J'ai dit non. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.
January 21st, 2010 sur 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 sur 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.