La polygamie 411

What should a Muslim man do when torn between becoming polygamous or not? I received an email from a brother who posed the question to me. He said he and some brothers were conversing about polygamy. He gave the scenario of a brother-in-faith has a good wife. She is a “good person.” They are married for many years. They get along really good.  At the current time he is not physically attracted to her, although they still have sexual relations. She does not turn him on like she used to. Meanwhile, he loves women and wants another wife. He looks at other women and thinks about them, but he doesn’t see any other woman. He want someone else, though. He asked what I would tell the brother to do.

I replied, “The scenario that you presented is heartfelt by Muslim men throughout the world. It’s the story of most men throughout time.

It’s impossible for the brother’s wife to have the beauty and youth that she once had. It has dissipated with time, which, of course, makes him not as attracted to her as he once was. It’s inevitable.

I would suggest to the brother that he keep his wife – keep her and know that this life is very short and will be over soon. He should revere the pleasure that he once had with his wife and hold the memories and thoughts of it. In exercising patience and forgoing added pleasure, doing so seeking the pleasure of Allah, Allah will reward him in Paradise with a reward that will stretch beyond his imagination.

If Allah doesn’t grant him another wife in this life, it’s OK. He shouldn’t pursue another, but wait on Allah to decide for him. His relationship can never be like it used to with his wife because no day is ever the same. If he patiently persevere, Allah will grant him a reward beyond measure in Paradise, which is what Allah says.”

He replied, “How will he know when Allah will decide that for him??? He still loves her,spends time with her, releations etc.He does not want to loose her…..so by him
Seeking another… You think that It will destroy the first??? Then if that is the case…is the brother expected to just endure when Allah made it lawful to him regardless of his reasoning?? As I stated he has ” power” and still enjoys her…so grin and bear it???”

My response was, “I don’t think he should pursue another wife simply because we weren’t instructed by Allah to pursue anything in in life, except righteousness. Allah has already written the script and the ink is dry, so if Allah decided polygamy for the brother it will happen without the brother having to do anything. (Most people, including Muslims don’t understand how it works to do nothing). It could happen like this, for instance: his wife may suggest he take another wife (I doubt it happens often for men-just my guess); someone could approach him and say they know a sister that is looking for a wife; the brother could meet a sister and from there polygamy becomes an option for him; or who knows how it’ll happen. Maybe the current wife will pass away and he’ll marry another.”

Allah tell us that whatever was for us will never pass us and whatever passes us was never for us. If we believe it, we know we don’t have to pursue anything. It could be polygamy is not for the brother. What happens if he pursue another wife and it’s not for him? He aggravates himself, aggravates his wife and become totally dissatisfied with her; he ruins his life and the life of those he love and everyone becomes miserable. In his desperation for another wife, he may settle and get the worse addition to his already existing family than he could ever imagine. It could be a potential nightmare.

Throughout Quran, Allah tells us to be patient and persevere. Why does he tell us to be patient? Because He has a plan. He never tells us we have to try to make things happen. He is in control. I suggest the brother be patient. In the interim, I suggest he speak with his wife about his desire for another wife and about polygamy in general. In doing so, he would be preparing her for it if it happens.  There would be no secrets. Furthermore,  it wouldn’t be sprung on her suddenly, which could potentially destroy her. Most likely she won’t be receptive and the thought of it will cause her much pain. But it is part of our religion and we should accept all of the Quran. We should accept polygamy even if it doesn’t happen in our lives. Accepting polygamy helps her accept the whole Quran and we can only enter Paradise if we accept the entire Quran.

Once he lets her know that he is interested in marrying another, she may begin to make an effort to spice up the marriage and renew it again, which would make it more bearable for him while he waits on Allah’s decision. I suggest he pray long and hard for Allah to guide him regarding his desire for another wife and if it is meant for him to have another wife, He grants him a righteous, pious wife that is the delight of his eyes so they can live together in peace and tranquility.”

What are your thoughts?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

How do one accept polygamy? It is a question I ask myself, as accepting polygamy is something I truly want to do. I think acceptance comes with acknowledging and believing that Allah says polygamy is permissible. Since Allah has allowed polygamy, we should take no exception to it.

When polygamy becomes a part of our lives, we must view it as something good even if people do wrong in it and hurt others. People do wrong and hurt others daily in many things in life. Does it mean that the things are wrong and bad? Par exemple, many people are “cheated” on and lied to in monogamous marriages. Does it mean monogamous marriages are bad, wrong and shouldn’t be permitted? Some people wrong others in business. Maybe they scam other, don’t give fair weight and measure, or embezzled money from the business. Does it mean business is wrong, is bad, and we should not allow it?

My closest Muslim friend had said to me, “Accueil, you haven’t accepted your situation (la polygamie) yet. I thought you would have accepted it by now.” He said my faith would be increased if I accepted it and I would drawer nearer to Allah. It made me wonder, how? How do I accept it?

I concluded that to accept polygamy I must believe Allah knows what is best for me and Allah decided this for me. Allah decided I would live a life of polygamy. When I began to think and believe the aforementioned, my life changed completely for the better. I became content with my life and I actually, le plus souvent, find myself happy in it.

Reading a post by one of polygamy 411 commentateurs, “Justme”, inspired me to write this article. She spoke of “acceptance” and it caused me to think further about the subject. I thank “Justme” for being a part of our family at polygamy 411, and for sharing with all of us here.

Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.

I’d like to take a moment to apologize if I have been too rough, tough, or harsh in the manner in which I relate to some people here on this blog. I apologize if I have offended anyone or have caused harm to anyone by my words. I thank everyone for being patient with me when I become overbearing. I know I could use more patience, and have asked Allah for it, as patience is from Allah.

I especially thank you all for being a part of our family here at polygamy 411. Without your loyalty and commitment to this site, it could not exist. Everyone here has helped one another, and has helped me too, to become much stronger people. Plus important encore, I hope we have helped one another to grow in faith and be better servants of Allah.

I pray again all is having a blessed Ramadan and peace to all our friends and family here

Il s'agit d'une journée portes ouvertes. Pas besoin de frapper. Il suffit de venir dans.