How Marriage can Enrich the Lives of Spouses

polygamy 411There are Muslim men who marry women (1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th)because the men and the women believe that the marriage will enrich the lives of both of the spouses. The new wife will have some of her wants and needs fulfilled and the new husband will have some of his wants and needs fulfilled.

Three examples. There is a rich Muslim sister of good character. There is a Muslim brother of good character who has a project that he is working on to benefit the Muslim community and society in general. If he marries the Muslim sister she may help to fund his project. (A wife is more likely to help her husband’s project than someone else’s).

Example#2 A Muslim sister is fluent in Qur’aan and Arabic and is knowledgeable in Islamic Studies. She has to work at another type of job to take care of herself financially. A Muslim brother of good character marries her and frees her up to teach Qur’aan, Arabic and Islamic Studies to the children or women of the community.

Example#3 There is a Muslim sister who found out at a young age that she could not bear children due to a major issue with her reproductive system. She lives in a society (and most societies are like this) where the majority of men want to have their own biological children. Each time when she has had marriage prospects, they went away when they found out that she was unable to bear children. A Muslim brother who does not want any (or any more) children may marry her and they will be perfectly happy. They are both of good Islamic character.

These are win/win situations for the husband and the wife. All marriages are not based on lust. Some Muslim men of good character do marry 2nd, 3rd and 4th wives and everyone is content. I know it does not happen often, but it does happen.

Remember, there are some Muslim women who want to be in a polygynous marriage. Their career does not leave a great deal of time for family life; they have been married several times before and are very independent; they are older and past childbearing age and want a husband for the companionship; they are widowed after being married a long time and love being married; they just don’t want a fulltime husband.

There is never one scenario for any type of marriage or relationship. Let’s just make du’ah that all of us find the sakeenah (tranquility) in our marriage or in our singlehood.

Article written by: ummof4, one of our blog sisters at polygamy 411

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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277 Comments

  • ana

    April 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to all,

    Insha Allah, I think we should all go over to the “Shirk” thread, as Aishah suggested. Right now, we are all over the place.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 6, 2014

    muslimah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Alhumdulliah, you’ve found us and met all the wonderful ladies here.

    Thank you, Aishah, for welcoming, muslimah. Gail, you are forever cracking me up laughing

    muslimah, well, if you were a virgin when you married the man (your now husband) then why is he bellyaching then???

    It pisses me off when men make excuses for doing what they always intended to do. Men say, oh, I want another wife to show people the proper way it should be done; I want another wife to help society and women in need; I want another wife because it was the way of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) – it’s Sunnah; I want another wife because my other wife is jacked up; I want another wife because and because and because and blah, blah, blah. I’d rather he go get another wife and shut up about it. At least Alex came home and said he was going to marry girlfriend and it was all to it; he went ahead and did it. Now, of course, he’s blaming me for him having married her. Men are crazy in the head…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 6, 2014

    Muslims have been lied to. They have been told they can marry “People of the Book” – Christians and Jews. If they read the Quran, they would know it contradicts everything Allah says in the Holy Quran. Allah tells us who the “People of the Book” are or were and they are not the Jews and Christians of today. They were the people who received the original Torah and Gospel who lived before the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation. Once the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) received the revelation (The Quran), all people were expected to accept Him and all the previous prophets, all the previous Books and The Holy Quran. The Holy Quran is for all men and all times.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 6, 2014

    Jenny,

    It’s not possible for people to impart two totally separate belief systems into their lives. Allah/God tells us how it will end up and what religion they would follow. They would leave Islam. So, it really is quite simple. Islam is a simple, common sense religion. It has been infiltrated by Satan and his agents (human agents).

    It was inevitable that your husband’s and your children would be raised Jewish.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    April 6, 2014

    I totally see where Gail is coming from about the praying for the mighty buck. Just this morning, I could see it on my husband….his mother laying a guilt trip for $10k for cataract surgery! I don’t care if you want $10k, just ask for it, but don’t swindle it when I know how much the medical cost would be (and it is no where near $1k, never mind $10k)! Every single time they need something, it is always $10,000. I asked him if that is the only number they seem to know. {Sigh} So, I emailed the hospital and I am going to arrange for her surgery and pay for it. If she wants to eat off Limoges china while she is having her cataract surgery, that is fine with me too. If she wants a limo to drive her there as well, that’s fine too. But $10,000 ~ ah, no!!!! They never stop. It’s almost on a weekly basis, they want/need $10,000 for this or for that. Fill in the blank.

    Gail, I didn’t forget your question. I was at another auction and tax time. I’m pulling my hair out! I’ve been at this since 7:00 a.m. and I need to take a break and answer your question about Quit Claim vs. Warranty Deeds.

    Ownership is transferred either by Warranty or Quit Claim. Warranty deed may have been conveyed through the title process and may carry with it title insurance. Quit claim deed is conveyed in an “as-is” condition.

    In my 24 years of practicing law, I’ve only seen one property go bad and it was because the Clerk of Court issued a deed with West instead of East on the title. A house was built and taken away, but the Clerk of Court was sued and the owner was fully financially restored with what he was out ~ and that was a LONG time ago.

    With that said, I only deal with government auctions. I get the same assurance as a warranty deed because before a county or state puts a property up for auction, they do the most through research imaginable before someones rights are stripped from them. They check for obscure mortgages and possible other owners. My advice is is you can land a good property (I meant the pun!) ~ I say take it!!!

    My last auction I scored $300k worth of property and spent about $7k. I even got a very large property RIGHT ON THE HUDSON RIVER! I got my husband’s best friend (our neighbor) a beautiful house right across the street from us for $6500. He has a nice view of the river too. All on the cliffs on the Hudson. I have another auction the end of the month I’ll be off to and there is a gas station I want to buy. happy

    Gail, I totally understand what you are saying about the religion in your family. Even though we have a similar melded one in our family, before hubby and I married, we clearly outlined how our children would be raised, what they would be taught, and how our family dynamics would go, lest there would be any room for error ~ which there was not one.

    Whether people view right or wrong for our decision, at least we were consistent and do not have confused children. Our children were born Jewish and raised Jewish. I could only imagine the strife and identification crisis they would have had if we imparted two totally separate belief systems into their life.

    Let me know how the auctioning goes!!

  • muslimah

    April 6, 2014

    I actually want an advice.I am the second wife of my husband.
    I have been married for just two and a half years.During all these
    years i have shared my husband and havenot find enough room to fulfill my dreams or to live with my husband in a way i wanted to.
    My husband always wanted to have many wives.So he has the desire to marry again.His first wife is terminally ill but i am healthy alhumdolillah and young(only 25).We have a kid.I have made
    a mistake in teenage.I havenot lost my virginity but piety.Right after that incident i realized and was so ashamed and distressed for being used.
    I repented to Allah ta’ala and started practising deen.
    After two years of our married life i shared this with my husband believing that he loves me.This was the most painful incident of my life so far.I have never shared this with anyone.But now i believe sharing this with my husband was a bigger mistake.The man who claimed to love me above everything has started hating me now.I dont understand after knowing this he became more loving and dependent on me for few months.He told me that we will move to europe so that we can spend more time together(his first wife cant go because of terminal illness).and then his love transformed into hatred.
    He intentionally started hurting me,ignoring me,telling me that he hates me for not being truthful to him.He changed his plan and went abroad without me.
    Now i am left all alone.He doesnot like talking to me.
    HE tells me that he can forgive me only if i arrange a marriage for him.
    I know the problems of sharing husband.I have been through very tough time.I dont want to have another woman in my hubby’s life.I love him and i want to stay with him without waiting for my turn.I am very much emotionally attached to him.It would be right
    to say that i never loved anyone as much as i love him not even my parents.
    He is not planning to divorce me but he is not fulfilling my rights.
    HE is just financially supporting me.He talks to me like a stranger which makes me feel dying.
    I just dont know what to do.

  • Gail

    April 5, 2014

    Ana,
    What he meant by saying that is that Logically speaking G.D/Allah already knows r needs so why ask him for something he already knows we need.It has more to do with trusting on G.D.Yes G.D/Allah has everything also logically speaking but my husband was speaking about muslims he knows like his sweet mother who prays daily for money,money,money.She has lived her life running after money but she can not see her own daughter and daughter inlaw/my cowife have end up in ruins over her running for money and giving to her family without a second thought.My husband point is I believe that a person reaps what they sow.If u ask G.D for something then sure he will give u but it does not mean it will not come without negative consequences that u may have to figure out after as in my mother inlaws case.
    My husband and I have talked about this Alott in the past and we really do not understand this concept of asking G.D what u want or need when he is G.D and he knows all.We believe that your belief alone for G.D and your moral and ethical daily deeds are your prayers and love to G.D./Allah.When u do these acts these are acts of love that we feel G.D desires or needs if u will.
    See this is the reason even though my cowife is not good with me by heart I don’t care.Yes it hurts my feelings why she don’t love us all the same but it is ok because I know G.D knows and that is enough for me.My husband is struggling in the fact that he would love to stand up for her but because of culture and his family situation she has made it impossible.I hope I answered your question.I also don’t want anyone thinking we do not pray because we do but we pray differently.Also anytime we do anything that might be a sin or we r in question about we remember G.D.
    My husband has changed so much I feel and in a good way.Honestly Ana i don’t think for me or my family we fit in one religious mold.My children are old enough now and they are starting to question religious stories which is really amazing to me to be honest.They went to see Noah and although the movie was stupid to say the least we had a good talk about Noah and the flood and my 9 yr old said mom if G.D destroyed the world because man was bad then what was use for because men again became bad.I don not think it is bad to question stories from the bible or Quran or any book for that matter.
    I will be honest I have not taught my children about hellfire and brimstone and a forever hell.One day again my 9 yr old asked me what is Hell when he heard me talking about it not long ago and I said well it is suppose to be a place G.d sends bad people forever.he stopped what he was doing and looked at me very serious and said do u believe that mom?I replied well me and your daddy grew up believing that.He looked at me with astonishment and said I don’t believe that.G.D is love and he would never do that.That is just crazyyyy!! He exclaimed.
    This may sound horrible to alot of people but my husband actually told me alot of times that he don’t fear hell and I ask him why yrs ago.His answer was simple yet profound for me.He said G.D made hell and if he wants to put me there then it is ok.Why I fear it.As silly as it sounds it helped me to understand that I really have no control over anything accept to do the morally right ethical things to the best of my ability and do it all for the sake of G.D.
    Ana I can’t speak for others but I really love the peace I have now.I accept we may not be perfect but we try in our everyday life to be just and fair.This is the reason I still hope against hope that maybe G.D will change my exco heart.
    You say maybe it is best she stay where she is at but i disagree because she is missing out out on raising the children.
    Oh the whole hell thing I believe like Jews more of a purification process we go through.Like throwing your dirty clothes into a washer to clean them.The clothes are not put in the washer to get tormented but instead to get clean.

  • ana

    April 5, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Your post was quite interesting. At least by discussing some matters with your husband further you learned that he is not Muslim. So that settles that. It coincides with what Allah says anyhow. Maybe it’s best that ex-co-wife stays where she is unless she plans to reject Islam and not be Muslim any longer, as well.

    I was wondering what your husband meant when he said Muslims do not “pray for God, they pray for themselves.” How would someone pray for God? God has everything and needs nothing from us; after all, He is God.

    Muslims should pray to God for what they want, as Allah is the One who has everything we need or want. He has everything to give. Allah does tell us that some of the prayers that we think we make for things that are good, we actually ask for things that are not good for us.

    The things that Muslims should pray for are the things that we know are good for us. Such things as:

    Patience,
    Perseverance
    Consistency in worship
    His protection
    His guidance
    His help
    Knowledge of Him
    Prosperity
    Righteousness
    Righteous offspring
    A righteous, pious spouse
    Paradise
    A pure heart
    Good health
    Remembrance of Him
    Forgiveness of our faults
    Forgiveness of all our sins
    Protection from His Wrath and His Hell Fire
    Protection from the unbelievers, disbelievers, mis-believers, and hypocrites
    Protection from Satan
    Protection from the evil jinns
    Protection from malignant witchcraft and those who practice secret arts
    That we are victorious and triumphant over the unbelievers
    Pray for believers (Allah doesn’t tell us to pray for our enemies)

    Those are the types of things that Muslims should pray for.

    Gail, I was just curious to know what your husband meant. He lost me with his statement.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    April 5, 2014

    Spirited,
    Thanks for the post.Yeah u understand what I mean about culture verses Islam.My husband is Syed Shia and they have their own stories for certain.As far as the cutting back or flogging u were talking back it has to do with Prophet Muhammad grandson and like 72 people(not sure exact number)were executed rather than conform or something like that.My inlaws actually are very big into Muharram.So much so they some high ranking Imam comes from Iran every year to preach at my inlaws home.For me this time is very very strange and I normally stay out of the way and will sometimes go to the roof and witness the men coming down the road beating their chest and chanting.The first time ever saw this was after I married my husband.
    As far as prayers it is the way we have always done it.I do know my husband in all seriousness tell me all the time he is not muslim.I asked him why he says this and his reply was Muslims do not pray for G.D they pray for themselves.He says everytime they go for prayer they ask for something like G.D is a wishlist for them.
    Spirited I would like to thank u because I mentioned this to my husband and he is Muslim but not like other muslims his thinking is different in the fact that if u pray u pray for G.D u do not pray with a wishlist in hand.He also no longer believes in cutting his back anymore or the horse.He says everyone has different belief system.He gave me example…. He said he loves spicy food but he can’t handle it.It does not mean spicy food is bad.You can have G.D however u want it. So it seems my husband and I actually believe the same way it seems.He has told me this in the past but I guess I didn’t pay attention that time.Thanks for the comment again it was awesome for me.

  • ana

    April 5, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    It seems a good time to begin a new thread. I kindly ask everyone to join us over on the newest thread, which is: http://polygamy411.com/marriage-and-shirk/

    I will not close this thread that we are leaving, as we would lose all the 268 comments.

    Thank you all for joining us and may Allah continue to bless us to be together in an effort to help one another on this journey we have embarked upon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    April 4, 2014

    Salaam again before I turn in happy

    @Gail, well, whatever details there are, they are all in the Quran itself. Whatever isn’t in there, is not religion. Anything else could be culture, it could be hadith, it could be recommended by learned scholars (but not *required*) or it could be something twisted and contorted to suit whomever told you. So, for the pure, unadulterated Islam, its best to stick to the Book and keep things simple — Islam is after all, fairly simple and straightforward. Its people that tend to complicate things laughing

    The story you mentioned is very important to Shia folk because they consider that descendant of Prophet Muhammad (Peace & Blessings upon him) to be another prophet himself. The reason for dressing up a horse is that his horse was the only creature to return from a fateful battle that ended in its owner’s death (among many others) and the story goes that the horse was in tears upon its return. In memory of that historical event, Shia folk take special care of the horse and decorate it, and lead it through their processions.

    At least, that’s what my grandmother explained to me one time when we were younger and were watching news coverage while over in Pakistan (if I remember it correctly). I remember asking her why they flog themselves too, but I don’t remember the reason I was told (probably because I was more interested in the horse’s story, considering I love horses and I was younger then so my attention was only on that laughing ). If you were to read the entire Quran, you wouldn’t read anything about doing this sort of thing in it — it’s a Shia specific cultural thing (or perhaps its in their religion — no I wouldn’t consider their practices as Islam, so let’s not even go there).

    Yes, if you’re confused about something, you can always ask like you do, and I know Ana always looks up her references in the Quran to let you know — but you can also just read it yourself, it’s open to everyone after all happy. Plus, its always better to be able to consult the source material itself, instead of relying on someone else, like your husband. I’m sorry but he doesn’t particularly sound like a trustworthy source. No offense, but with the facts of his previous actions…and 5x daily prayer and even other details regarding prayer are a requirement, and I don’t believe “praying in the heart” as you say he does will cut it when he’s standing infront of God on Judgement Day (but then again, God will forgive what He wills, what do I know).

    Aaaanywho, I’ll catch you gals later, time to hit the hay happy Goodnight everyone~!

  • Gail

    April 4, 2014

    Ana and Spirited,
    Mainly what I have learned about Islam is from Ana here on the blog and my husband what he says about it.I know general stuff about it but the small details about it not so much.
    Spirited u r soooo right it is so hard to figure out where religion stops and culture begins with Pakistan.Example why in Pakistan the Shia dress some horse up and parade it around.I forget the exact story behind it but I know small children even go under the horse I think it has to do with Prophet Muhammad grandson horse or something like that not certain if that is culture or religious as I do not think Sunni’s do like this although i may be wrong.
    I have read alot of quran in the past and you are right i need to read the Quran more so i understand it.I like reading about different religions.

  • ana

    April 4, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Thank you much for your reply happy .

    About the lying, cheating and greed that your husband used to engage in, I think it’s quite common in the world today. It’s probably nothing new though; it probably has always been this way. It’s good, though, you’ve seen a change in your husband for the better about it.

    Nonetheless, I’m still AMAZED at how much people scheme, scam, lie, cheat and steal. It seems rampant everywhere. A Nigerian person contacted me by way of email, not very long ago, and asked me to invest in his business. I flat out said, NO! He emailed me back and said if I was reluctant to invest in his company because of negative things I have heard about Nigerians, I shouldn’t view him in that light – He said something to that effect. I could give diddly squat about what he had to say about it. My mind was made up when I heard “Nigerian”.

    Some may think it’s wrong of me to give credence to a stereotype. I don’t care. I’ve heard enough about Nigerian scams for me to know I don’t want to take a chance and find out if it will happen to me. I’d rather be safe than sorry. Why take a chance to find out whether I’ll get stiffed – taken. It’s the same with the cultural problems associated with people from Pakistan. All one needs to hear is a huge population of the people are supposedly a certain way that is not good; a red flag goes up and one is on alert. Even after I watched the movie, “Captain Philips”, about the Somalian pirates, it left me scratching my head. I think if I were to come in contact with a Somalian, I’d run like my shoes was on fire. I know it’s wrong, but i dont know what can I say. BEWARE!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    April 4, 2014

    Salaam, heyguys

    @Ana, that was a really good summary/explanation that you gave to Gail, looks like you hit all the big points, Masha’Allah. Thank you for providing that clarification in a pleasant and inoffensive way. Sometimes people tend to get their feathers ruffled when an explanation is given as to why Muslims should marry Muslims rolling eyes

    @Gail, I agree that people should should be positive, not just be negative nellies! Might I offer some advice? This popped into my head as I read what you said. You sound like you aren’t sure exactly what Islam is and what is actually culture, not religion — which is fine because it can be confusing sometimes when some people just merge everything together.

    I would suggest that you pick up a Quran and read it so you know for yourself what’s what. I was assuming, being married to a sort-of-Muslim man, you would have already read it out of curiosity (if nothing else). It might end up clarifying any lingering confusion if you read it yourself. Obviously it references other Prophets’ stories that you would already know, so its not as if everything about it would be completely foreign to you. Well, just my humble suggestion happy

    @Lynnette, nice to see you popping in from time to time! As always, thank you for your advice (to everyone) and prayers. I know everyone appreciates it — I know I especially do.

    @Laila, you know what’s best for you, so if you feel that selling your business and taking on the new position is what you should do, then go for it. Getting rid of stress is a life-changer, and I would recommend that you definitely try to make your life better by lowering or removing it completely happy. All the best in everything.

    I hope everyone’s doing well. Just had a test yesterday, I didn’t get too much studying in, but I think it went well big grin. Considering I only spent about 1 day studying laughing Surprisingly, it didn’t cover a lot of things that I was dreading, phew! lol. Sadly, the class is down to half its starting size sad This makes labs harder to do — you wouldn’t think so, but it does. Even more students are thinking of dropping the class if they do poorly on this test. I guess we’ll see how it goes.

    Hmmm, well aside from that, nothing else much going on here. Chugging along happy Really hope you guys are happy and all is well in your neck of the woods. As always, I continue to pray for you, and I hope you do so for me as well big grin

  • Gail

    April 4, 2014

    Lynnette,
    How r u doing these days?It is true my husband sees me as the QUEEN of his life and I am the fix all person.My exco she is not having any of it.She is full of anger at this point in her life.I try to reach out to her and tell her to stop being drama but she just screams at me and pushes me away.She is in self pitty mode right now.I pray she gets out of that thing at some point and sees I am also truly her friend as well.If she don’t then nothing I can do because I am busy with the kids and hubby.
    I told her straight I can not give her kids back to her now as the kids are safe and secure and happy and we r a family.She has to accept all of us or none of us.It seems she has decided to accept none of us.

  • Gail

    April 4, 2014

    Ana,
    As long as my excowife and hubby live moral ethical lives I do not have any problem with Islam and they r free to teach the children as I am doing.Maybe u do not consider my husband and my excowife Muslims by your standards not certain.All I know is this I must have no lying,cheating or stealing from anyone under my roof.Respect is must.
    I do not want to imply Islam does not respect I believe it does my point is more like my exco needs some serious anger management and drama control.
    I am live and let live kind of person as long as moral and ethical guidelines r in place.
    Also for my family since we raise all r children together and my husband must live together in one home joint family is the only way for us.She never wanted polygamy much less joint family system sadly.

  • Gail

    April 4, 2014

    Ana,
    I really liked your post and how u describe your feelings towards Islam.Ok let me explain a few things which i find interesting.My husband and ex cowife were brought up to basically steal to get what they wanted or at the very least they have no problems taking from others.My husbands Muslim wife allowed him to marry a woman(Me)thinking he would divorce me after he got a greencard.
    When my husband met me he did pray and offer his Salats I think u call it and he thought he was a good muslim by all accounts as I am certain my excowife thinks she is also.
    When I entered their lives it was like a an undercurrent war going on between good and evil and I am not over expressing here at all because I felt it from day one but took me years to figure out what the negative undertone was about.It was not just my husband took me as a wife no.My excowife could not handle the fact that her lying,cheating husband had changed and was now telling the truth called her out on her lies(lying about her mom and sister,brother etc..)and taking up for an infidel as myself as excowife and her family seen me as.
    Anytime I was with excowife she would tell me Husband is very change now.Well I agreed with her but she meant hubby was changed in a bad way because he didn’t get up to pray anymore instead now he prays in his heart like I do and he never steals not even a penny anymore and will actually go back and give someone money back now rather than just keep it.He refuse to lie.I mean just so many many things over the course of living with me he naturally changed.
    I don’t want to sound like I am wonderful and all holier than thou because that is not the case but my influence has not been just on my husband but on his family as well/my inlaws.They are way slower to respond but they have changed.My cowife and her family hate this because I told my inlaws STOP being a bank for every dead beat family member.It is ok to give sometimes but I come from the belief that if u don’t work u don’t eat period the end.Give a man a fish u feed him for a day teach a man to fish and u feed him for a lifetime.I wish I could say these were muslim ethical teachings but I have not seen my inlaws practice this in this past and brought it up to them.My mother inlaws said in past I was wrong on alot of things but now she accepts I was right because I told her straight yrs ago that people tend to bite the hand that feed them and boy did that happen to her in a huge way.
    Now as for my excowife since she lived under my mother inlaw and not me(even though I told her to knock the crap off and just cast her lot with me and she will be fine she said no because I refused to support her parents and I told her straight I will support her but never her parents because they have 2 healthy sons to support them.She said her parents will not agree to what I am saying.Obviously I knew that but I am not a liar person and I wanted everything on the table out in the open so she would not say she did not know later on.Instead what did she do but have her parents come and DEMAND my inlaws force their son to divorce me.
    This may or may not be Islam I have no real idea but they scream it is Islam to care for your family and basically support each other financially etc…
    My mother inlaw still to this day will actually pray to Allah every single day for hours to bless her with money.Again this blows my mind as I don’t think G.D is about that.What I mean is this if G.D created One apple seed and u stick it in the ground everyone logically knows what will eventually happen.You will get one apple or a generations of apples.To me it is logic thing .G.D has already showed us the way on so many things all we need to do is just look is my thinking.
    My point is to my mother inlaw if u need a money then go plant a dang apple tree or invest in something and step back and watch it grow.When apples are ripe sell them.Of course everyone thinks I am a strange bird including my excowife.lol
    To answer your question about us living together my husband says she is not a good egg and does not want to be a good egg so he can’t take her back.He also has stated he is unwilling to put himself on risk of loosing me.
    As far as excowife I have told her time and time again.She is putting to much stock into just hubby loving her.Who cares if he does not love her right now so much I and the kids love her and that should be enough for now.In the future he may very well come to love her in a new way.We should live in hope not depressed.There is alot more family drama tied into everything like her brother and hubby’s sister.She don’t accept her brother and parents did bad with hubby’s sister and they took revenge on hubby’s sister because of hubby etc..
    Like I have told my excowife she needs to change hersel and stop with all this anger and bitterness towards me.Because I am her bestfriend in all this mess.She don’t get it sadly.

  • ana

    April 3, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    I hope you don’t mind if I pick your brain. You have expressed that you’d like to reunite with your ex-co-wife and live joint family. I was wondering if you thought it through as to how you all would work it if, for instance, your husband was to remarry her.

    If I remember correctly, you said she is “religious”. I assume she offers her salats, fast and does the things Muslim are supposed to do. You said you are incline towards Judaism. Although there may be some similarities in the Judaism and Islam, they are different. How do you envision you, she and your husband would worship God in the same household? Which religion would the children practice? Would the children mix the religions in essence creating their own?

    I’d think there would be a conflict, for instance, if your ex-co lives Islam and believes Allah swt says the only religion He will accept is Islam. If you are practicing Judaism and she believe Allah won’t accept it, how would it unit your family? I was just curious.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 3, 2014

    I’m saying,for instance, a non-Muslim wife will not tell her Muslim husband to be patient; to persevere; to remember Allah; to remember Allah knows what is best for us; not to despair etc. Why should she? She doesn’t know our way of life. She is not Muslim. It is not her way of life.

    He won’t see her reading the Quran or offering her salats (prayers). He has no reminder of Allah by seeing what reminds him of Allah. He’s with someone that believes they make things happen, or believes Allah has no control or has very little, if any. He abandons his life – Islam or maybe he never had it to begin with.

    If he lives with his non-Muslim wife 1/2 the time and his Muslim wife 1/2 the time, he lives a double life. It amount to him possibly being a hypocrite. He is the type of person who say when with the non-Muslim, “I am with you”, but when he gets with the Muslim, he says, “I am with you.” He straddles the fence. He plays both sides. Allah says the hypocrite will be at the very bottom of the Fire (Hell Fire).

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 3, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Don’t concern yourself about the length of your posts. However long or short posts are here is okay. I’m glad you chimed into the discussion and shared your thoughts on religion and polygamy. I agree with you that there are many Muslim women who do not willingly accept polygamy. At one time, I was one of those women. I did not, however, have such a dislike for polygamy that I refused to ever accept it.

    There are some people who put together a way of life, and try to live it. Maybe it works out some of the time, so it seems. In my last post I more so was speaking of Islam and how polygamy relates to it, and not only polygamy in and of itself. Islam does not allow room for anyone to invent a way of life. Islam is clearly a religion that is already a way of life laid out for us. Polygamy as it relates to Islam should be more than about moving families nearer to one another or each other. It should be more than about a man spending on his family the wealth that Allah has given him. It should be more than about a schedule the spouses set up for themselves.

    In my last post I was speaking more so about a person who disobeys Allah and what the outcome will be. I was speaking in more general terms. Believers will go to Paradise. Not all Muslims are believers. Allah specifically tells the believing men and the believing women not to marry unbelieving men or unbelieving women until they believe. A Muslim who marries a non-Muslim person must not have been a believer. A believing man or woman would not marry an unbeliever. He or she would not defy Allah.

    A Muslim who marries a new shahadah (new revert to Islam) must not have been a believer, as he defied Allah. Allah says faith hasn’t enterer a new Shahadah’s heart. The new Shahadah was so far away from faith just yesterday. Allah swt tells us to investigate and examine people who proclaim to be Muslim.

    Allah curses those who turn away from Him. Allah curses those who reject faith. Allah may have cursed such a Muslim man or Muslim woman by giving him or her an unbelieving spouse. Such a man followed after lust – lust not only being sexual, but other desires as well. Allah swt tells us that those who follow after lust, their hearts are diseased.

    How could a polygamous marriage work when one party or more (the husband and one of the wives) are unbelievers and one of the wives is a believer? The husband lives with a woman who doesn’t offer five daily salats (prayers); doesn’t eat Halal/Kosher food; doesn’t Fast The Holy Month of Ramadan; doesn’t read the Holy Quran; doesn’t constantly remember Allah; doesn’t give freely in charity, and doesn’t do much more that Allah instructs us to do – doesn’t believe.

    The husband then goes to the wife who tries to do all those things. The man brings no good to the believing wife. He is astray. The believing wife must do all she can to make sure to stays straight (on the Mustaqueen – straight path), so she’s not lead astray by her husband. It’s a serious situation. The saving Grace is that Allah swt says He will protect the believer from those who stray, if the believer obeys and serve Him.

    Anyone can come together and make up a way of life that suits them. A Muslim who strives to be a believer would not do such a thing. She or he has the Quran, which is their guide. It’s a healing and a Mercy for the Believers. It’s their blue print or constitution for life. We just can’t wing it. We can’t just be all willy nilly. We can’t make things up as we go along. It was what I was speaking of.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    April 3, 2014

    Salam alaikum sisters,

    Sister Laila that job sounds perfect for you! inshallah Allah has put that in your path for you to discover.

    Sister Sarah, you sound like a caring, thoughtful person. You have been a great support to your husband for 20yrs, so I imagine he genuinely wants you with him wherever he is.

    Im sensing that you are concerned about his ability to establish and run a business? Sorry if I’m reading to much into things.

    I wonder if he thinks going home will be the answer to a successful life? Maybe he’s dusillusioned about not having kids, a business after 20yrs in America and thinks Libya will fix all that?

    Perhaps there is a compromise? You could go for 3mths then return home to work, see family while he sets up his business. Then you can go back again and see if you can settle there?

    Perhaps he could delay marrying again until his business is established and can provide for you both?

    There are some lovely benefits that come with life in a muslim country like the Azan and everything you would have experienced visiting there.

    Do you feel safe living there? It is still in massive transition.

    Is anyone else in the family polygamous? This could help you. If his family, community is accepting of it it may be easier living it.

  • Lynnette

    April 3, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and peace to all,

    Sisters,

    Lots of women the world over are practicing some form of “polygamy.” For the Muslim women, the Mormon women, and the others who live where polygamy is legal, at least there are protections for the women, and prescriptions for how the men “ought” conduct themselves.

    @Sister Ruquyya,

    I don’t get to address you often; it does not mean I don’t see you or track your points. Sister, you are RIGHT. No man should blame a woman for choosing another woman with whom to share his life. In fact….there is no room for blaming either of them. He simply did what was in “his nature” to do.

    @Sister Gail,

    I am happy and thankful that you have come to terms for yourself what your ex-co has decided. Don’t ruin your marriage or your family for this woman’s foolishness.

    I see you as a bit of a “Steel Magnolia” in a way. I know you have what it takes to keep your family together through thick and thin. G-d bless you, your family, and your new ventures.

    @Sister Ummof4,

    You wrote something a few lines back about not invading privacy, and not discussing the other wife’s marriage, except as a sincere advisor. I will treasure your words about giving advice, because I know they are right. When we seek Allah (swt) before opening our mouths, what we say can be used to build happy. Thank you for sharing that.

    @Sister Laila,

    Selling a business you built by hand is a lot like watching a child leave the house. Sometimes, we have to let go…so something new and beautiful can be put into our lives.

    Inshallah, you will be able to invest your sales proceeds. That will leave you capital for another venture, of the secure retirement you envision. Maybe you will learn real estate, or something else that you can do while keeping your home and family. Sister, this could be a step toward lasting prosperity — the kind that secures a future generation. Look to the blessing, because it makes it easier to let to and transition.

    Sister Spirited,

    I am continuing to pray for you; I hope you are feeling good and doing well.

    Back to reading comments!

  • marie

    April 3, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    @Ana, sorry to hear Alex blames you for him marrying C. I detest people who blames others for their doings. People will never move on and accept how things are if they won’t take responsibility for their actions.
    I never ment to say you told me not to snoop, I referred to you as you said snooping did not bear good fruits, I agree with that part, my mistake in not being clear enough.

    @gail. NOOOO, in no way would I want to live joint family with that woman, generally I’m a happy person. I would not like to live with a miserable, controlling person who wants everything her own way. Plus I feel she completely disrespected my marriage by constantly contacting my husband for reasons other than the kids. I mean really isn’t there anyone else you can talk to about your cat jumping through the neighbours windows. I feel that if was the other way round and hubz married her and not me, I would have backed waaaayyyy off. Moreover I don’t think I could live with my own mother let alone her.

    Unlike some husbands, mine doesn’t blame me for him wanting another wife, rather he said (yesterday when I got upset) I knew when I first met him that he had children and he still loved their mother and if he could find a way to provide, and be with both of us he would (a dream come true, he tells me) well at the time no one was Muslim so it seemed impossible, now however it is. So basically he doesn’t know why I’m upset or angry if I knew this all along. I was like, yes I knew, BUT I also know that death is a fact, it’s going to happen to us all. That doesn’t mean that when a loved one dies that I wouldn’t be upset and miss. that person. Ha ha stick that in your pipe and smoke it (not literally lol).

    I also mentioned that I’m not down for playing her games. So if she pulls any funny stuff or thinks this is some kind of competition then she will be surely mistaken. He said no one could compare to me, it Couldn’t be a competition because iv already won. (yes he’s very sweet) and if she did start with constant moaning and complaining that caused problems in our marriage he would divorce her, as he’s not marrying out of love or lust, but to help her, if he’s not doing that then what’s the point. Oh well whatever happens happens.

    I’ll be off now as the baby’s awake

    Much salaams to all

  • SarahB

    April 3, 2014

    Jazakallahu Khairun for all your caring response it is comforting to me that most of your thoughts are things that are already at the back of my mind. Firstly please excuse me for blabbering on yesterday but you will understand that some days are worse than others and yesterday was one of those days. Alhamdulillah today I have woken with a clearer mind.

    I had to smile at the snooping side of things and images of Johnny English came to mind because if I ever had to snoop that would probably be me! Even writing on this blog I feel like I am going behind his back! (why is that!) My husband always says that women are fitted with an antenna tracker and mine is one that can be used from outer space so if he ever got up to anything I would probably know about it before he did!  (and they say women exaggerate!!)

    Down to business however. How did this start, my husband kept mentioning when he has kids when he has kids so one day I asked him what he meant as I want getting any younger, and things came to light from there. I at that moment I tried to put his mind at ease but things went down hill and the more I thought about it the more I realised what I was heading into I was shocked (I spent a bad few weeks with very strong palpitation attacks and much to my embarrassment I ended up at Accident & Emergency)
    Things have stemmed from there. I mentioned that his family had not been happy with the marriage and would have preferred him to marry a woman from his own country. This is true and it was mainly his second oldest brother and his mum, who has now passed away, may Allah forgive her and grant her Jenna. As time went on they have accepted me and I have been to Libya three times (each for a month). I have to say that when I was there my husband did his utmost to show his love and care for me. (although it may be different when another wife is on the scene, Allahu alam.)
    As regards to my family, although I have not been to the family home in 15 years as my fathers wife wants nothing to do with me I do meet my father and two sisters when I go back (my father has retired abroad) but I do know that this is only because I have persist with my marriage and they have all given up but I know that if they knew of a second wife it would all start up again and probably be worse.

    How would he afford a second wife, I have no idea. I have no assets, no money. I work, I pay rent and Alhamdulillah. There are two things that could happen. The first is I would probably get an inheritance following the death of my father, who is a rich man but who is to say I won’t go first and astafar Allah, shaitan makes me think maybe my husband wants to hang on to me for this reason, let me put that thought away and ignore it because it is not right to think bad of him in that way. The most likely situation is this, (and I am expecting a bombardment from you all) He is hoping that the Libyan government will go ahead with their promise and offer people no interest loans when things settle at home therefore he will be able to open his own business and once he is on his way then he will take a second wife. He seems to think this will happen relatively quickly.

    I agree with you completely about putting Allah first and I am focusing on this and making duaa, reading and listening to Quran, so that Allah keeps me guided and on the straight path. It is easy to divert when emotions run high and panic and anxiety overtake us. I truly believe when we put Allah first then nothing can harm us, Allah’s protection will help us overcome all fears, test and tribulations. I ask Allah’s forgiveness for my times of weakness. When I say I wish I could do this for him (my husband) I meant because it would make him happy not that I put him before Allah. I know that Allah has given men permission and therefore my husband does not need mine but Allah does not expect me to do something that I cannot managed to do. We are all individuals and Islam teaches us not to make Deen difficult for ourselves, and if my husbands second marriage is to be a trial in my faith, if my sadness makes life hard for me, my husband and his new wife, if my constant sadness pushes him away from me and he only wants to be with her (understandable) then there is an alternate scenario to think about, Divorce. It si not an easy thing to ask for but you have to remember that I will have nothing and no one around me, no home to visit, no friends, very few people speak English in Libya and everything is in Arabic. If I did work what would I do, I’m an (English) administrator. (I am currently learning how to read and write in Arabic as I can only speak). Every other day and night I will be completely alone. Do you think his family will be visiting me or the new wife, lets be realistic. It is not an easy thing. These are all things that I have to consider, this is all part of the test. I cannot throw myself off a bridge and say Allah will save me. (apologies if I am not explaining myself properly) Noone was ever been given a test were by they didn’t have to think about the right decision to make, May Allah guide me in my decision. Allah has given me this as a test. The important thing is that I try my best and also remain within the laws of Islam. I haven’t yet made my decision.

    You asked if I had discussed this with my family. I have spoken to my youngest son (he has reverted Alhamdulillah). He is a good Muslim Alhamdulillah and runs his own village Musallah, and is able to look at this logically and without discrimination he feels that my husband needs to find out if he can have children, he needs to give me my rights first and provide for me before taking a second wife, he feels that if it is still too hard for me and if my husband still wants to go ahead with it then I have the choice of divorce. On top of all that he is still my son and these words bought tears to my eyes ‘Mum, whatever hurts you hurts me’. Some of you may know those words.

    There is another scenario I have thought of and that is that I don’t go with him and I live near my children and visit every three months. That way my life would be busy with work, kids and grandkids and it would be easier on him and his new wife and I would not have to know anything. I could continue in my own little world and pretend that he is away working or something (I am a coward I know) but he doesn’t want that.
    Please excuse me for my ramblings and if at times a seem angry.

  • Ruqayyah

    April 3, 2014

    @Ana and Spirited, isn’t it funny how they blame us for everything?
    Even my husband sneaking around with other women and trying to organise polygamy was apparently my fault. But us wives aren’t to blame ESPECIALLY when they are sinning by either free mixing trying to get a wife or committing adultery first. They took us on as a wife, if we are that bad they can let us go, or they can realise their responsibility and be a man, take care of us, and if they need and can afford/do justice then take another wife.. but there is no point making us feel bad. There is plenty wrong we see in them yet we don’t use it to justify our actions in hurting them. It’s almost like they can’t handle the fact that they’ve hurt us (even though it’s halal), like a child they need to defer the blame to someone else so that they are safe from their own conscience.

  • Gail

    April 3, 2014

    Laila,
    If u r satisfied in your choice then I think it is ok.I know how it feels to to want a family and feel the clock ticking so to speak and wanting to put family first.I do not work outside the home and have made the choice to raise and homeschool my children.I feel I made the right choice for me.I used to work OBGYN woman’s health for yrs and yrs but when my baby was 3 and my hubby could afford me to quite my job i did so and never looked back that was 6 yrs ago.
    I will say this though I do work inside the home not just wife and mom duties but we own r own business and I keep all the trucks supplied with stuff from going to get ice cream deliveries to making mexican chips and corn in the home.Plus in my spare time I am searching homes to purchase.
    I want to say one thing to u.People change dreams change don’t be upset or stress out about this choice as long as u are financially sound.You have a new dream and that is perfectly OK.

  • Gail

    April 3, 2014

    Spirited & Ana,
    I want to chime in on your conversation a little.I am scratching my head wondering a few things when u ladies keep bringing up non muslim woman not accepting islamic way of life etc…and imply that non muslim woman don’t accept polygamy.You both know in my case and I may very well be the exception and not the rule and I totally accept that but I don’t really think that to be the case however in my case my ex cowife who happens to be a Syed Shia Muslim woman did everything in her power to get my husband to divorce me simply because she refuses to accept polygamy.Although if u ask her she swears up and down she does not care what my husband and I do which I know is a complete farce.
    I just wanted to say that I have pretty much come to the conclusion that the majority of Muslim woman simply cringe and get ill at the thought of practicing polygamy and do not wish to practice it.
    I honestly think polygamy has more to do with the morals of a person more than religion if truth be told.I look at sister wives and they seem happy but it is very obvious to anyone that has practiced polygamy that they have serious issues that they r not sharing with the public.Like jealous,anger etc…but morally they r all doing the right thing and hanging in the marriage.There is not one wife trying to get another wife divorced from what i can make out at least and they r not muslim.I will also be honest and go as far as to say that I don’t even think if all parties are muslim that it is a 100% or even 75% that they will all work together and make the marriage work.In my case I am an American woman that knew nothing and I mean nothing about polygamy when it entered my life.I swear to u I lived a sheltered life growing up in the south in USA and I never heard of this concept of husband having more than one wife unless he had divorced and remarried but never more than one wife at the same time.
    I do believe it would be nice for everyone to hypothetically be of the same religious background so they have some common ground BUT I don’t think I believe that just because everyone is Muslim or christian that it will have anymore a chance to work out than say a hindu and a athiest marriage or a christian/christian marriage in my view simply because everyone has free will to accept or not accept things.Most people find it way to hard to accept sharing anything much less something as precious as a husband.
    I really believes it has to do with a person love for G.D and a their love for their family and in doing the right thing morally.Maybe I am wrong I don’t know but I do know my ex cowife is religious and I have never went against Islam or them teaching the kids etc so I know her not accepting Polygamy is not religiously based otherwise why she accept in the first place for him to marry a nonbeliever is my thinking.These are my thoughts and I know for me I would rather have a moral cowife that accepts polygamy rather than a religious one that hates the thought of polygamy.
    sorry this is so long a post I just wanted to chime in and let u know my thoughts on religion and polygamy.

  • Laila

    April 3, 2014

    Dear Lynette… somehow whenever I am in a pickle, I get a feeling that you’re always looking out for me from wherever you are. To me, that’s the most comforting thing ever. Knowing that I have a sister, and that, she just lovingly looks out for me eventhough you need your rest and time too. You don’t know how you have touched my heart. Whomever you are, bless your heart!

    Dear Gail, Lynette and Ummof4. I was in the midst of creating my resume last Tuesday. There is an international Islamic School very near my home that requires experienced and well trained teachers. As I was updating my resume while looking through my certificates which I keep in a file folder, I realized that I am a real go getter. Sorry If I sound like I am blowing my own trumpet here.ut.But…. Ive always been the type to go for my own dreams. Chase it and grab it! I don’t come from a real well off family and since moving to the big city I have always wanted a “better quality” of life. Big cars, big bank account, big home.. the works. Ive never placed family as a priority. Hubbs was well aware of my nature before marrying me. Ive always made it clear to him that my career is everything and he somehow followed with it. He never said much but sometimes I do get a feeling that he would be leaving hints to me. I have no clue why all of a sudden I woke up and now I am feeling that Ive got no time for myself, family, I am always rushing and worse, my stress levels are high. Many have asked me to hire help and to manage my business. Ive tried in the past but people get greedy when they see money. Somehow I also sense that If I were to do that, my stress would still be high as my staff will still call me and ask me stuff. Even last night one staff was texting me knowing very well that I was in the midst of closing shop. Till I sent her a text saying, it’s late, please understand. Chat later.

    Ive sent in my resume by hand last Tuesday and I hope to hear from them soon. Ive applied for the post of Head of the English Department. I felt that all those years of working in an actual school now enables me to go for a higher rank. Please girls, pray for me. When I even think of selling I actually tear up badly. Ive invested my time, money and effort into this place. In short, It’s become my second home. But somehow, I feel God is trying to tell me that money is not everything. It’s all about spending time with family, and also earning money but to acquire a balance.

    Gail, Ive always been a competitive person from young. It’s my nature. I always thought I knew what Ive wanted in my life. Now that I even have made my decision to sell, Ive realized that now everything in life is as we planned it out. I would have never in a million years thought I would sell. But now in order to raise a family, I am doing what I think is the right move. I don’t know whether hubbs and I will be strong in terms of having a rock solid relationship till the end. But now that Ive placed family first, he seems to be happy with me and he’s happy that we are starting a whole new chapter in our lives. I am also so happy that you have found your love and trust in your husband. I bet you are glowing! Sometimes love is so important to cement a good relationship. happy But I will work till half day. The agreement between us stays the same. He pays for everything and I get to save my salary. So if s*** hits the fan, I am still okay. I just am looking forward to a stable time schedule and where I am home at nights. Which right now, is a luxury because even before we got married I was always running about and doing my work. I never really stayed home.

    So let’s see how girls.. Tq so much for your words of encouragement and caution too. I sincerely appreciate it a lot.

    *Planning to purchase a Pandora bracelet with charms that signify all my personal emotions happy I do not know whether US has this jewellery collection. But it’s catching on like fire here!

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    They rarely take a way out when we offer it to them. I’ve advised Alex that I would not stand in the way of him being only with her, if it is what he wants. I said I would not make it difficult for him. I would be reasonable. He gets angry when I suggest it. He says he’s not leaving me ever. I’m willing to go with whatever Allah decides. It’s all good.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s impossible for a person to grow closer to Allah when he or she disobeys Allah. There is no workable solution when men marry women that Allah tells them not to marry. Men canNOT live two lives – live sometimes with Muslims and sometimes with non-Muslims wives. They are going to go down (they will face destruction). There is no ands, ors, ifs about it. Allah’s promises are true.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    April 2, 2014

    Salaam again, before I head off to the cold, lonely bed laughing

    Ana, hey at least your husband’s other wife claims to be a Muslim. You have that much at the very least, lol. (yes, yes, she’s most likely just “Muslim” in name only, but that’s still something)

    Hmm, I was just thinking about what you said, I’m not sure what kind of things your husband asks your opinion/advice on, but the two households he’s involved with aren’t too far away from each other, so it’s not quite as bad for you & him. On my end, it’s an entirely different state — thankfully, this is still better than the women who have to deal with husbands going away to other COUNTRIES. (Masha’Allah to the patience of those women, its really inspiring).

    In this sort of thing, it also affects me, which is why I actually do want to give input so that something can be decided eventually. If he was asking for something trivial for his 2nd-so-called-wife, or his kid, I’m totally with you on staying out of it — it’s his mess, he can deal with it; I didn’t pull off his pants and tell him to get in her (pardon the visual graphic there laughing ). He hasn’t said much of anything like that, which is good, because that shows that he still has at least a TINY bit of sense.

    Oh, back to what I was saying, you’ve got the days schedule thing going on and close distance between the homes for it to work out fairly well enough. It would be nice if we could work something out so that distance isn’t an annoyance, and so he doesn’t have to be left feeling like he’s not giving enough time or attention to one side or the other. Maybe I shouldn’t care about making the situation easier on him (but it also affects me). And, he does often say he’s made a mistake and keeps apologizing, even though I’ve told him I forgave him already, & its in the past, let’s move on and this whole situation is likely Allah’s way of testing he & I. I’m thinking he still has his guilt to work through.

    Plus of course with his school & work schedule, and my school schedule, I barely get to see him as it is. Then when we do have time, she’s manipulatively having him come to her because of the kid. If we all lived in one building, (or just closer) at least he wouldn’t be forced to stay over there for the entirety of the time he has off (either because it makes no sense to spend half the day travelling then come back or because he “misses” his kid and just has to spend his time off with her). Again though, I don’t stop him or make him feel like he shouldn’t go.

    So, I’m kiiiind of getting tired of this nonsense & because he’s the one who brings it up himself, he must be getting tired of it too. Sometimes I feel like this isn’t even a marriage since I’m alone most of the time. Am I supposed to be just happy with a label? “Married?” “Why, yes indeed I am.” Big whoop rolling eyes. I don’t see the point of being “married” but practically living as if I was still single. You know? Like, what have I gotten out of this oft-praised and required institution of marriage? Stress, broken heart, depression, loneliness, self-doubt…I was better off before marriage laughing. Yes I know, there’s good in one’s spouse, even if you don’t see it, and Allah puts things in your life for reasons you may not understand at the time (or at all). Sadly though, I’ve caught myself telling people to delay getting married; that its not worth it and this is not a good thing to be saying to people, because Allah tells us to get married as soon as necessary to prevent sinning. Though I have to say, I don’t really feel that bad because with the state of the average Muslim these days, they’re already sinning (having sex without being married) so whatever.

    Something silly here — my mom sometimes thinks I must have a boyfriend on the side now laughing She knows I have a high libido and worries that I might be looking for haraam ways to satisfy myself. (Not to worry, nothing of the sort is going on. Why would I want to get myself into trouble with Allah? Or do the same kind of degrading thing that practically every man is into? No thank you).

    Well, just some more random thoughts that occassionally pop up in my head on nights like this one. Just sharing/writing things out. I’m not usually this negative, as you all probably know laughing Just too much busy stuff with school and all.

    Oh, Ana, I just wanted to say, I always thought you & your husband had a steady thing going on at this point. I’m sorry to hear that there’s still rough patches that sound like he hasn’t really grown like you have sad Insha’Allah, I pray that will change with Allah’s guidance.

    Alrighty, I hope I made sense in my sleepy, tired-brain haze laughing Goodnight from me, everyone~!

  • maryam

    April 2, 2014

    Dear Ana and Spirited,

    Ironically I got blamed for another sister refusing my husband because she didnt want to be a second wife. She outright rejected polygamy.

    Somehow I was responsible for that as he was already married to me.

    He sulked about that for a few days until I offered him a divorce so he could approach her as a single man. To his credit he refused.

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I still get the same thing from Alex – blame, blame and more blame. I hear, “If you had treated me right, I wouldn’t have gone and done this” and blah, blah, blah. I hear it and don’t hear it. I’m like Talk to the hand Whenever he ask me what he should do, I have no advice for him. Even when he took her days, the only thing I said was, if she doesn’t want you there, leave and don’t go back until you’re scheduled to. She’ll think twice about tossing you out again. Other than it, I had no advice.

    I’d suggest to you that you stay out of it, which I intend to do in the situation I’m in. They got themselves in it with the permission of Allah. Sit back and watch his fate unfold. It’s what I intend to do with Alex. I won’t have him blame me for leaving her the way he blames me for him getting with her. I shouldn’t be blamed for him getting in it.

    What I’ve seen a lot on the blog is men leaving the wives only to return to them and get jerked around -back and forth, back and forth they go. I’d rather my husband remain with her and live with what he’s done. I don’t think there is much difference between your situation and mine, Spirited.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    April 2, 2014

    Salaam everyone happy

    @Maryam, lol, yep men are fast to blame everyone else for their own actions and choices! At least in the case of a purchase, it can still be returned laughing

    Hmm, yesterday, my husband was saying (again) that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do & he also asked what I thought he should do. I didn’t give him any answer, I kind of shrugged at the time. I mean the ideal thing would be an idea he had himself — of trying to buy a 2 family house with using 1 apartment for her & his kid, 1 apartment for us. This would simplify things for everyone. But even as he talked about this idea of his (a few months back), he had said it probably wouldn’t work out because of his 2nd so-called-wife who was more interested continuing to get him to leave me (all her blackmailing, threats, etc) than actually accepting anything, despite all her promises before the kid. Well, that’s one of the many problems of getting yourself involved with a non-muslim. rolling eyes Boy, he sure says he regrets it now laughing What’s done is done, though.

    I was thinking next time he brings it up, I’ll ask him what his own thoughts are about it now. If the best-case idea he told me was still impossible or if she has become anymore accepting. It would be good to have a plan instead of just going with “whatever happens, happens” like he has been.

    Well, that’s the main thing that has been on my mind at the moment. Your thoughts? Suggestions? Oh and just to be clear, I haven’t pressured him to divorce her or anything else. I’ve only said I’m not aiming to cause problems, so long as no more lies. The rest is in Allah’s hands. (well technically it’s ALL in God’s hands, but still laughing ).

    Ok, back to attempted study rolling eyes. /sigh…to think I could be enjoying a different kind of life, with a kid (or kids) of my own, instead of being stuck with pretentious books on boring subjects that I don’t even care about (requirements for some of my options). rolling eyes Ah well. Life. rolling eyes

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    SarahB, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    We definitely know the pain you feel. We too have been there and maybe some still feel it or something still of it. I can tell you it is possible for it to go away completely and you will be back to the ole you, but only a better person. You would feel as though you never experience the pain at all.

    It concerns me that you said, “I love so and how I wish, oh how I wish I could do this for him.” It’s part of the problem. Unless you can really get yourself right with our Lord, you will continue to have problems and pain. You, being Muslim, have to begin to focus on Allah swt and not so much on your husband. You said you wish you could do this (be okay with polygamy and accept him taking another wife) for him. Where does Allah swt fit into the picture? It would be better to think you want to accept this to seek the good pleasure of Allah swt our Creator. When we do anything for another human being we will have problems when the other person doesn’t reciprocate or do things we want them to do. Allah swt wants our hearts to be for Him. It’s a beginning of getting your focus where it belongs.

    A mistake I made when my husband became polygamous was in turning my attention to him and focus on him. I hadn’t had my attention there before. So, I went the opposite way. My focus was on Allah, but I went towards my husband, thinking I needed to compete for his affection and love. I didn’t have to do it, but didn’t realize it. It made matters worse. I was all messed up. Eventually, I got myself where I needed to be and my marriage improved. The pain went away. I began to see what is ill in me and where I need to work on myself with regard to purification of my soul.

    What we need to remember is that when we turn our attention to what Allah has created – created things – He turns his creation against us. When we turn our attention to Allah, He turns His creation to us. Ourselves and our husbands are created things. As long as your husband is more important to you than Allah, your Creator, you will have major problems. You need to begin to get your life into focus.

    Insha Allah, I’ll be back ASAP

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    April 2, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Sarah,

    Welcome to the blog. Many sisters here share and understand the pain that you are going through right now. My own husband is getting ready to marry a girl 14yrs younger. Like you I am British citizen (but not by birth) and revert to Islam and married to a non British man.

    You mentioned that you are the breadwinner in the family because it’s been difficult for your husband to find work. If this is the case, how will he be able to support another family if he cannot support himself? Is he planning to move back to his home country with you and your savings in order to start a new life there? I think you need to be cautious about moving to a new country when his family are not so welcoming of you and prefer him to marry some one else. Also, you need to keep your money as a safety net in case things do not work out as planned and not use it to support his new life/wife.

  • maryam

    April 2, 2014

    Oh Spirited! You had me laughing when you said your husband said he wouldn’t have done what he did if you kept a tighter reign on him!!!

    My husband says similar things, mainly when he makes impulsive purchases. Classic example he spent $200 on a gadget recently that he insisted was necessary. I said I thought it was a waste of money and wouldn’t do the job he wanted it to, but it was his choice. After using it for 2 days he asked me to take it back to the shop and get a refund!!! And yes, I was told I shouldn’t have let him buy it!!!

  • Spirited

    April 2, 2014

    Salaam all,

    I hope everyone’s been having a decent time. Nothing much going on my end. Classes, continuing to check schools, requirements, see where I have a chance, etc. etc. My brother seems to have turned into a bit of a loon with his insisting of specific things that I don’t see eye to eye on (regarding school selection, etc). Well, whatever.

    @SarahB, welcome to the gang. I hope you will be able to get some help and peace through sharing with the ladies here. Personally, I totally understand the relief you expressed that this kind of place actually exists (I felt like that myself when I first got here).

    In my opinion, you’ve got a few advantages that I believe many here did not have — a long happy marriage with the man before he expressed a desire for another wife, and the fact that your husband has even had the decency to tell you first, before going ahead secretly and you finding out later. These two points alone make a big difference. By the sound of things, it could be that your husband will love you and care for you exactly (or nearly exactly) the same as he does now, so not too much might change (Insha’Allah). The rest, it would seem, just depends on how well you take it — it doesn’t really seem like there are many other problems in your situation (if any) happy. I noticed something though, in what you said, that kind of irked me and seemed a bit off. Your husband didn’t want to have kids with you until he was able to provide for the kids. Was he so innocent and new in the world that he didn’t realize that you and he are getting older and that women won’t be able to have children at some point in life? I am most likely wrong, but the excuse he’s giving you that he wants to marry for children may not be entirely true. He could be just saying that as a reason so you don’t feel bad. Personally, I’d rather men just be honest and not hide behind excuses for wanting to follow their pants, but that’s just me laughing. Also, as Maryam mentioned, has he gotten himself checked out to confirm if he can even have children?

    Please feel free to share anything or vent your frustrations about anything now or in the future. Sometimes you find that in writing about yourself, or writing in response to others, you end up helping yourself too. big grin

    The “snooping” thing everyone was talking about, laughing. It shouldn’t be necessary in any relationship, but humans aren’t trustworthy enough, so you have to do what you have to do. Personally, I say its up to the individual situation and sometimes snooping becomes necessary to avoid danger and that’s that. Ofcourse if your snooping just makes things emotionally harder for you, then you might want to give it a rest. One size doesn’t fit all (but that’s my opinion). I have had opportunity to snoop but I don’t, and sometimes my husband “accidentally” shows me things on his phone on his own (of course its on purpose rolling eyes ). He has said that if I were the type who snooped and kept a tighter leash on him, he wouldn’t have “had the opportunity to do it” (where “it” = adultery with a non-muslim). Is he correct? Possibly, but I’m not about to blame myself for his own actions. So, I definitely do not agree that wives should never snoop — whether in a normal marriage or a polygamous mess laughing Sometimes its a necessary evil. To each his/her own as the situation calls, ladies~!

    Also, I’m glad that there wasn’t a big fight between two of the ladies here, good job diffusing the situation before it got out of hand, you two. There’s not point fighting amongst ourselves yes? happy

    Well, I should really be studying, so I’ll talk to you lot later, see you!

  • maryam

    April 2, 2014

    Sarah,

    Two other things.

    His family will probably expect him to return with ALOT of money having spent 20yrs in America. Is that likely to come from selling your assets?

    Secondly, sometimes men can behave quite differently when they return home to their families. Especially those that never integrated fully into American society. Do have any indication your husband may he one of these?

    What do your adult children say?

  • Lynnette

    April 2, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All of You,

    @Sister Laila,

    I am only back so far as the “sell off my business post.” I probably need to read a little further back to cover everything you asked about; forgive me Sister if I repeat things you have already been told.

    Sister, our lives — apart from the worship of Allah, Great and Glorious is He — require that we have priorities. I think we brushed against this topic once before, and now here we are, addressing it directly. Alhamdulillah!

    If you believe, after good counsel and prayer, that you need to lighten your load to carry a pregnancy to term, AND you know that your husband is able and willing to support you, AND you are truly desirous of a successful pregnancy…

    Sister, you have your answer.

    Please consult with a lawyer about the terms under which your business can be sold; pray as WE will pray with you, and when you go….say Bismillah and trust!!

    Sister, sometimes I wish I could just hug you and tell you that you’re brilliant, beautiful, and blessed winking

  • maryam

    April 2, 2014

    Wa alaikum salam sarah, welcome

    You have two situations going on. Polygamy, but also moving to a foreign coutry. Each situation is a major life change.

    Regarding polygamy you’ll get much help here alhamdulilah. Does he have someone in mind and presumably he’s saved a mahr somehow?

    Id like to share with you about moving.

    You have been happy with your husband for 20yrs that is a good, solid background. It must hurt alot that after not wanting children for that time he now does.

    I dont want to be too personal, but is he sure he can father children? You said you didnt use contraception etc thats why I ask. And you yourself have had children.

    It is a big risk to sell up everything and move to a foreign place that you are not familiar with.

    What are your husbands plans? Did gain any skills/qualifications in the 20yrs you were working to support you both? How does he plan to work there and support you and another? Are you expected to work there to help him? Will you be living with his family?

    Sarah, it could be wonderful for you,but please keep something for you to fall back on in case you cant live with situation there. You don’t want to return to the States with nothing and start all over again.

  • Gail

    April 2, 2014

    Sarah B,
    Hi I am Gail and welcome to the blog.I just read your story.My story is similar to yours in the fact that I am an American woman married to a muslim man and this is my second marriage.I was also married with my first husband 15 yrs.I have been married with my second husband close to 11 yrs.I am also in my 40s.Now in saying all that I want to express to u about some thing s i read in your story that are standing out to me and have me a bit concerned for u.
    You have mentioned that your family was not accepting of your marriage number 1.Number 2 your husbands family is not really accepting of your marriage either.I want u to be prepared for the fact that there is a real chance that his family has told him or himself knew all these years that eventually he would go back to Africa and take a younger native wife there to produce children.Before u up and just accept everything out of his mouth as the complete truth make certain u have a backup plan in case push comes to shove with your new little cowife.I don’t know if it is worth the risk u are going to take to put all your trust on your husband and his family if u do not have the support of your own family to back u up just in case down the road u find out for a fact that his family and him had this planned out the entire time that he would eventually go back to africa and take another wife to have children and pass property rights to.I don’t want to discourage u at all but try to separate your emotions from reality is what I am trying to say.You think u are giving him this gift from u but is the reality that this was his planning all along understand?

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    SarahB,

    No worries. We’re in good shape. I moved you over here. Alhudlliah. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • SarahB

    April 2, 2014

    Salaam Alejkum and thank you all so much for answering me yesterday. I knew that there must be a group somewhere out there that are looking out for each other in this way. It is truly a blessing. My story is this. My first marriage as a non Muslim lasted for 10 years. I left a husband who was thirteen years older than myself but who had jumped from woman to woman for the 10 years we were married. I had been through a five year depression and come out the other side of it feeling there must be more than this to life. I began to learn about Islam from a female Muslim friend and Alhamdulillah I reverted. I woke up one morning and packed my bags asked my ex husband for two months rent on a flat and left him everything except the children (but they were always free to come and go to him as they wished) A few months later I married a Muslim man who lived two floors down from my flat. I refused to give up my children ofcourse and shared in the custody of them with my first husband who I eventually told that I had converted to Islam and he was fine with it as long as I didn’t force the children. (incidentally one of them has now also reverted, he has married a wife who is a revert and they have two children, Alhamdulillah)
    I have now been married to my husband for 20 years and I have been and still am very much in love with him. In the past we have had to fight many battles such as immigration issues and my family sending immigration people round but things have got gradually better. I have always had to work and I am the bread winner but people women who are married to foreigners will understand how hard it is for them to find employment. This has not been an issue for me. My husband has always tried to work when he can, he as always helped me at home and organises everything, paying bills and such. My children are all grown up and have left the nest now but we have never had children of our own (though never used contraception) and he has always said he doesn’t want to bring children into the world when he cannot afford to feed them himself. So for 20 years, especially the past 12years, it has only been him and me. We live far from his family who are in North Africa and far from mine.
    Following the Arab Spring his country is now liberated and he is hoping that it will be safe for us to go an d live there. This is not an issue for me except…..well you can guess. He would like to marry, some one in her late 20’s early 30’s and have children. I am now 49 so my chances are slim on child birth.
    I love so and how I wish, oh how I wish I could do this for him. If I could describe the pain and torment that is in my heart I would but it is like nothing I have ever experience not. It’s not like the pain when my mother walked out on my father leaving 4 children. It’s not like the pain of my first husband and his affairs and it’s not like the pain when my children left the nest. It is just so so painful but that’s not the only thing. There is the guilt that I feel that as a Muslim I shouldn’t feel this way. There is a feeling of abandonment, useless. Once he has a new beautiful wife and family, what would he need me for? What would my purpose be? His family will be delight with her as I was a divorced woman they never fully agreed with our marriage? Was I just a no other option wife? Is it obligation that would make him want to remain with me? I always wanted more children and now living far from my children I would slowly go mad.

    Please sisters make dua for me. 

  • Ruqayyah

    April 2, 2014

    Hahqhahaha I’m laughing here so much. First time is definitely a horrible experience. .. first time in general and I can imagine the first time with someone new too. It’s an awkward experience.
    I hope you had a good laugh when younsaw that Aisha, especially knowing it isn’t true.
    @Maryam sadly its all too common for married people or muslims in general to feel text or facebook is fair grounds to have some fun. May Allah safeguard us from that. We should not have private conversations with the opposite gender unless itnis for marriage or within a marriage.

  • Gail

    April 2, 2014

    You ladies are crazzyyy.lol

  • ana

    April 2, 2014

    Okay, maryam, we will stop it LOL I was getting a good laugh out of it though. I hope the good times I have here on the blog don’t land me in the Hellfire. I love all you “gang”, “gals”, “sisters”, “blog family”. I don’t know what I’d do without all of yous. Big hug and much love to you all. Inshallah, we will all be okay.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    April 2, 2014

    Ohhhh stop it, I’m trying to concentrate here!!! It’s funny how cringeworthy it is when you read someone elses’s sexts.

    I snooped into my husbands facebook once. Actually he was looking at something in front of me and I recognised the name of a sister I knew.

    Long story short I demanded to see everything and I found all these muslim sisters he’d been talking with (about 10). Most were strangers who accepted his friend request, but two of them were local in my community and married and still flirting/chatting to my husband (what do some people think?). Both those sisters put on a very pious public face.

    At the time he was doing that we were going through a very rough patch. Allah revealed it to me months later.

    Both those sisters get very embarrassed when they see me now. They’re worried their husbands may find out. I can’t be bothered with nonsense like that.

    I have no idea what your Co would do Ana.

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    Aishah,

    Maybe she was referring to the first time that she and he did it and not her first experience.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    Aishah,

    I’m sitting here cracking up laughing yeah, it was a long time ago, but I remember I was scared to death. It hurt like the dickens and afterwards, I’m like – what the h*ll was that? It was not pleasurable in any sense of the word.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    April 1, 2014

    Ana exactly.i said a man would say that,a woman would not.Ladies?nothing graphic,just a poll.when i read that i thought my text woulda read”grateful it didnt feel like the awkwardness of the first time!

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    “Feels like the first time” – it is a song. I could see a man saying it, but not a woman. A woman enjoyed the first time that much? What I saw when I snooped was, he said, “that was some really good lovin we had”; “I keep thinking about the last time we made love”; “I can’t wait to get you all to myself”. That’s what I saw when I snooped hee hee I could do without reading that stuff. Every time I snooped I saw sexual stuff. Just a confirmation it’s what their relationship is about. No substance. Nothing solid and meaningful. I wonder what she’d do if his part stopped working???

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    April 1, 2014

    I have snooped, and try hard not to do and feel better when i dont.the “oh the sex was so good feels like the first time” one kinda bit me in the butt.my first thought was” isnt that a ‘Foreigner’ song, does any woman really say that and yikessss! So inshaAllah i will continue to do better w that.

  • Gail

    April 1, 2014

    Marie,
    I see it differently than most people I guess as I do not see a problem in shall we say snooping.I am a happy snooper and I would not have found out about my husband in the past.Would I snoop again in the future YES you betchaaa if i have reason to.I see it like this if he doesn’t have anything to hide then whats the problem precious.lol Besides he snoopes on me casually.I will say this though do u think your problem is u feel like maybe u r being left out of the loop and maybe want more of a joint family type system where all 3 of u are best friends and share your feelings instead of two families split and being separate?If your answer is no then stop snooping as it will only hurt you but if your answer is yes then u really need to step up and tell your husband u need more of a 3 best friends type situation and see what him and your future cowife have to say about this matter.They may be open to it.I know in my case I wanted the 3 amigo’s type poly marriage but my cowife didn’t which made me have to really confront my feelings of being angry about feeling disrespected.My feelings at the time were like D@mn her and excuse me while I slit your throat.I was really pissed off about it to be frank thinking how DARE her to try to blow me off and go behind my back.Yup I was angry and it did not sit well with me and I was not willing to have separate homes and split the kids.I will also say I am not sorry about it either.I am the way I am and if I am forced to ever live polygamy I want to live like 3 amigo’s or otherwise I am out.I really think it is just an individual thing but in my case but everyone knows their own tolerance level.

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    @Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I intended to write a post today on “shirk”, but wasn’t able to get to it. Insha Allah, I will be able to do it tomorrow or the next day.

    I apologize for not being clear on the meaning of certain terms I use and for assuming that everyone knows what I’m speaking about.

    Please excuse me; I didn’t mean to imply that people are miserable because they commit “shirk”. “Shirk”, which means to ascribe partners to Allah and make something or someone equal to Allah is a grievous, heinous, serious sin that Allah does not forgive, if someone dies and hadn’t repented for it. It is a PART of what constitutes unbelief – not believing in Allah and all He tells us in the Holy Quran.

    About misery and people suffering, one reason people suffer is due to their lack of belief in Allah. They commit shirk and they do not do all and everything that Allah tells us to do. “Shirk” is only one part of disbelief. It is part of what causes our suffering and it is a huge part.

    We have to be mindful that there are wives, for instance, who don’t offer their salats, don’t read Quran, don’t remember Allah, don’t fast, don’t believe Allah controls and rules all things, don’t know Allah created us to serve and worship Him and created us for no other reason than it, and don’t do and believe much more that I didn’t mention. They go about their daily lives just the same as any non-Muslim other than to say they are “Muslim”. Then suddenly they are subjected to a polygamous marriage. They suffer, are in pain or agonize in it. What did they expect??? They never obeyed and worshiped Allah. Allah could be punishing them for it or He could be giving them an opportunity to turn to Him in worship and servitude.

    I accepted all of Quran, except polygamy. I thought I had escaped it. I still felt uneasy about not accepting all of Allah’s book though. I questioned myself about whether it was okay for me to know polygamy was good (it was the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and Allah permits it for men), but didn’t want for my husband. I believe Allah swt out of His Mercy put me in a polygamous marriage, so I would have an opportunity to accept the whole Quran. I believe He made it a means for Him to purify my soul. I had and still have a diseased heart. A disease heart is one that has in it some or all of the following: jealousy, envy, bitterness, hatred, rancor, selfishness, anger, and I know I’ve missed mentioning some others. Allah speaks in the Holy Quran about a “diseased heart.”

    Allah speaks of suffering and adversity as tests for us and He tells us that He relieves us of the suffering and pain when we do as he says. Some adversity is for us to learn humility – to humble ourselves to HIM.

    I have to run and prepare for dinner with Alex. Insha Allah, Ill talk with all soon. I pray I haven’t confused anyone anymore than I already have sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    @marie, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    In no way was I telling you not to snoop in your husband’s phone. You didn’t need me to tell you not to do it. I’m sure you are aware it’s not something we should do. I, myself, as you know, have been guilty of doing it. I have done it a number of times. I knew it was wrong when I did it. Allah in the Holy Quran tells us not to spy.

    We all do things at times that we know we should not do. We want not to do it and we try not to do it. We have to ask Allah (Great and Glorious is He) to allow us not to do these things, as He is the ONE who controls our actions/acts. We could desperately want not to do a thing that we know is evil or bad, but we just can’t stop and we get frustrated with ourselves. We beat up on ourselves. We get disgusted with ourselves.

    Allah tests us with good and evil. Allah could possibly be testing us with the act for us to see we have done wrong, for us to call on Him for His help and for us to repent to Him, and ask for His Mercy.We may do an act repeatedly before Allah allows us to stop. He says He forgives again and again and again. It’s not so we could get away with knowingly doing an act, think we can repent and everything will be okay. No, it is because we have no power to stop unless He causes us to stop or makes us stop. He is in control of all things. He rules the Heavens and the earth.

    To tell a person not to do something that they already know they shouldn’t do, only agitates the person who has done the act, and makes the person feel badly. One thing it does with regard to blogging is make a person not want to speak the truth. Hence, there are blogs out there where everyone is rattling off rhetoric that sounds good Blah Blah Blah Parrot, so they can be seen in a good light. They are not truthful with themselves or others. You have people there saying, “Bad Muslimah. You shouldn’t do this and you shouldn’t do that. BAD, BAD, BAD”. Smiley Wagging His Finger Saying NO Who needs that??? It helps no one. A person would rather hear someone say, be patient; ask Allah to help you; make duah to Allah and implore His help; don’t beat up on yourself; ask Allah to forgive you; don’t give up; Allah is an Oft-Forgiving, Merciful God, etc. Those are the words that help people.

    Laila had mentioned her husband rather be with non-Muslims than to be around a bunch of self-righteous Muslims. I can understand it. I’m not saying it’s right, only that I know where he’s coming from. I don’t think this blog would be what it is today, had we not invited all people here. I’d like this blog to be a place where people can speak about their lives truthfully and freely, and not be a shamed or made to feel badly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    April 1, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Ana,ummof4,laila
    I hear you on the snooping in his phone. I get it. I do. Insha’allah I’ll stop. I know it’s not fair on her for me to know what she’s thinking/feeling. Ana you hit the nail on the head, I’m only looking to know if the discussions are not going well, when look and things are going smoothly I get upset and angry. It’s no good for me. My husband has told me this time and time again.

    My new things to work on are 1 no snooping
    2 ask no questions about the discussions

    That may sound simple to some, but me being a nosey ***** it will be a task.

    Make dua for me ladies

    Much salaams

  • ummof4

    April 1, 2014

    This is the rest of the previous post.

    PLEASE DO NOT READ OR LISTEN TO CORRESPONDENCE AND COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOUR HUSBAND AND HIS OTHER WIFE UNLESS YOU ARE INVITED TO DO SO BY THEM. YOU WILL ONLY GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT AND FEEL INTENSE JEALOUSY.

    PLEASE DO NOT LET YOUR HUSBAND VENT TO YOU ABOUT HIS OTHER WIFE. IT IS NOT FAIR TO HER OR YOU. HE HAS TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN MARITAL ISSUES.

    There is an exception to what I have stated above. If a husband asks his wife for advice about handling a situation, and she is his sincere advisor, then it is okay for her to do so. A sincere advisor seeks refuge from Shaytaan before giving advice and only gives advice with the purest intentions and according to Islaam. Sometimes as women we are capable of giving advice to our husbands about how females think that may be of benefit to him.

    Laila, I am glad that you are feeling better and your mind is back to being in a better place.

    To everyone, study Qur’an and make salah as a family. It works wonders. Fifteen minutes a day a few days a week is all it takes to keep your family focused on our goal of reaching Jannah.

  • ummof4

    April 1, 2014

    As-salaamu and hello to everyone,

    I’ve been rather busy the past two days and I came back to an interesting discussion.

    dk, I believe we have given you all the advice we possibly can. It’s now up to you to decide. Make salatul istikharah if you have not already done so. Ask your wife and prospective wife to do the same if they have not already done so.

    Laila, I think that it would be good for you to sell your business and work part-time if you feel that it is causing you stress. We all need to destress (this is not a word) ourselves from time to time. Alhamdulillah, your husband can afford for you to stop working, and he will provide for you.

    To everyone, as I have stated previously, it is not wise to snoop into our husband’s phones and emails, particularly if they are already telling us what they intend to do. Once our husbands are married to two or more wives, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE

  • ana

    April 1, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace To All,

    Good morning to everyone. It’s soon to be afternoon here where I am (it’s 11:25 a.m.)

    I still haven’t caught up with all the posts. Insha Allah, I’m going to run out and have some coffee. When I get back in I will try to put together an article about “shirk” as it pertains to marriages/polygamy. The topic of “shirk” is huge and “shirk” is a very serious offense. I don’t know the context in which the word was used in the discussion between Laila and Ruqayyah, yet, so I can’t comment intelligently now, without having read the posts. I shall return ASAP, and see what I can do.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    April 1, 2014

    Ana,
    Thanks for the compliment about my post.It is true I am very big into self reflection and trying to always better myself.I feel so happy everything is going great between my husband and myself but I really have to give most of the credit to my hubby.He has really changed this winter and become so much more understanding towards me and my emotional needs which for me is like amazing and it is what I really needed.I think so many times are husbands just don’t understand or think it is just to time consuming to try to understand their wives emotional needs.My husband and I have become bestfriends and we now share everything.I feel like we are the same as Jenny and her husband with exception jenny seems to be getting along with her excowife better than I am.
    I have decided I am going to start praying for my excowife that G.D will give her sincere understanding of her life and for him to take away her anger towards my husband and myself.She is not able to do it alone now I am seeing and I feel she needs the prayers.I thought I would share that as I do not see anything wrong with praying for anyone esp… a cowife.
    Ana u want to know what really blows my mind the most is that she would rather live in her anger and be separated from her children than accept it and live with them.Also she tells me she loves me but hates hubby yet she don’t accept our marriage and tries her level best to keep bringing up the past.Also everything she wanted was in her reach through me which she don’t get that.Had she just trusted on me I would have got her everything on her wish list.It really is mind blowing to me.Yeah I am not perfect i get jealous,angry,bullheaded etc.. but at the end of the day I am a really awesome person that has so much empathy for others.Like I said before some people accept polygamy some don’t and if they don’t their is very little anyone can do about that other than do what u do Ana and block the problem creator.

  • Gail

    April 1, 2014

    Laila,
    I am trying to catch up on your story.What the heck girl did your hubby’s first wife go even more insane the last few weeks or what.I think that woman drives u to want to choke her.From everything u have talked about in the past I get the sincere feeling that she is never going to accept polygamy and will always be trying to harass u or brow beat your husband for lack of better words.I have noticed in my own situation and have come to even accept it that it really doesn’t matter how good u are with your cowife or how many good intentions u have to play fair in polygamy if one cowife can’t accept the situation then it is just a tough go at it.I will say this in your situation If u are planning on staying married with your hubby I would suggest to u do like Ana in your case otherwise i hate to say it but I think u will not have much peace.I don’t know if you husband is doing this at not but if he is siding with the his 1st wife over u in situation u will need to get a firm grip on that and make certain 100% he keep her out of your face and out of your home.You have a right to live in peace and not be upset all the time.
    As far as you selling your business I don’t think it is a very good idea to be frank unless u have enough money financially to start over in case hubby and u were to divorce down the line.Always out yourself and your needs first.I understand about stress but is it possible to maybe hire a manager to take the stress off.I would play with different ideas before i just through in the towel on a money making business.

  • Laila

    April 1, 2014

    I think missing our husbands and telling them all about it is acceptable. However the tables change when we are in an ACTUAL POLYGAMOUS set up. How sure are we of what to say and how we would feel? So are we just supposed to behave that the other wife does not exist at all and lets just behave that our husbands are ONLY married to us? Come on… whatever happened to sensitivity? How can one actually comment on polygamy when they are not in it? How can these people relate and understand? Maybe Im just being b***** but can anyone whos not polygamous actually freely comment and be sure that thats the best move on their part. Sorry ya. But this just defeats the whole purpose of women who are in polygamous set ups to get together and blog and see whats the best feasible solution in handling ones own dilemma

  • Laila

    April 1, 2014

    Dear Ana, no im not at all upset or affected. But it would be great that when we blog others don’t take it so personally. I mean Ive had some statements towards me that sometimes was so hard for me to digest. But I took it on the pretext of positive vibes and encouragement. Im now so motivated to have an in-depth discussion in regards to shirk. Because I notice its used very easily and as a revert Id like to get my facts right before saying anything. Let me discuss and get back to all over here soon.

  • dk

    April 1, 2014

    ASSALAAM MU ALAIKUM

    DEAR SISTERs
    i try to get the point that what you are saying about not thelling may wife about the marrige so i will try to thel here inshahallah.
    beforre i get the 2.wife.
    will also try to be nice to here .
    and another sister sayed that i have wanting the 2. wife in sikerat no that is not right becourse i thold my wife for more then a year and half agothat i want to marry this sister it is only now where i have been thinking not to thel her now but leteron i will thel here .but now i think that i will discuse whit my wife first again inshahallah.
    i will try to be more nice to here inshahallah
    make dua for my jazakallah
    it is vary nice to here from all you sisters alhamdulillah

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    @Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All

    I’m waaay behind in reading all the comments. Laila and Raquyyah, I didn’t get to your discussion yet. I know there is conflict. Insha Allah, I’ll get to the posts ASAP. Take it easy on each other. Remember, we’re a blog family here. There is no need to go at each other throat. We all misunderstand one another or get upset with one another from time to time. I, for one, am guilty of it. Let’s make sure we’re not taking out how we feel about our own situation on others here. I may not like my husband’s other, but I like all the blog sisters here, whether they married their husbands 1st, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. It doesn’t matter. I’m not saying it’s the case at hand with regard to the discussion in question, as I haven’t read it yet, but just in case Hugging

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Marie. In regards to her throwing statements about breaking promises at such an early stage does throw me into the ‘alert’ zone. Yeah to some women begging is cool. It shows that men can’t live without them and that their very existance is important. BUT… we are not in high school anymore. If she wants to join in on an existing family I feel she should suck it up. Meaning, plan and discuss in a mature and orderly manner and not throw tantrums. I think what will give you the upper hand during the face to face discussion is very much the ability to be peaceful, calm and also assertive. Men do not appreciate women going berserk in this case two women at one go! I suggest you all meet up when the time is right. Don’t rush to meet up, that will only spoil the whole matter up.

    Dear KA126…. goodness.It goes to show there are lunatics out there. How about your car issue now?

  • Aishah2014

    March 31, 2014

    Gail hey i like your advice for Leigh and DK….DK. you are truly looking for someone to just say to you go on brother, do everything secretly and things will be just fine.Not Sunnah to do the whole secret thing .your God has permitted you more than one wife.i guess im saying man up.i have been through it and it will be as Gail described and then some.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Maybe to some of you my stance is out of line. But everyones entitled their own opinions. Im at a point where debating till the cows come home is not an option. Ive got my own major issues to clear.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Ruqayyah. As ive said – no comment. Tq.

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    KA126,

    It is one complicated mess your hubs has gotten himself into. IDEALLY he shouldn’t have divorced her while she was pregnant, but it happened, so i dont know I’m not going to touch that one. I don’t blame you for shutting up and stepping waaaaaay back. Don’t touch that one with a 10 foot pole. Oh, me, oh my… As the world turns.

    @Gail,

    I meant to mention; I think it was a good idea to send the email to your ex-co. She has to get it in her head that you and your hubs have no intention of ending your marriage. If she wants to be on board, she needs to accept your marriage and the children as a family. I hear you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    March 31, 2014

    @Ana,

    You are correct. Habibi did do three separate talaqs. So by shariah, once the baby’s head crowns they are officially divorced. However, the imam here has convinced him that due to the pregnancy she is emotional and out of her mind so he should try to reconcile. My response to that is really? What does Allah Subhana wa ta’ala say? That’s why I’ve decided to shut up and step waaaayyyyy back. That’s something he will have to answer for. Especially since she wasn’t pregnant the first two times she acted a fool.

    The three Talaqs have to be at separate times. It doesn’t matter if he says it 100 times one night, it still counts as one. I saw there was some talk about it but as you could imagine, I’ve been busy. Lol

    Anyway, yes I wish I had a Coco that could handle the kids as I make money for all of us but she doesn’t want to be a family so. Alhumdulillah.

    This whole situation is funny to me. I have accepted it as my reality.

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    @KA126, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    WOW! What happened with the nanny is crazy. We can’t trust anyone, exactly as Allah swt tells us. So, who to leave with the children when we work and it entails travel? Doh Oh, that’s right – a co-wife – one you get along with, of course. It falls right in line with ummof4′s current thread/article. How marriage can enrich the lives of spouses.

    KA126, you said your hubs may be reconsidering reuniting with your ex-co. If you don’t mind me asking, how did the talaqs go with him and her? I never was clear on how it went down with the two of them. I thought he gave her three separate talaqs on three separate occasions. Two divorces and said it at the end of the 2nd divorce, making it three talaqs to finalize it. Just wondering…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    Laila, I don’t say you commit shirk but you constantly say they are making their husbands god or you don’t want to.. Shirk is a big thing to be throwing around like that. You got to realise that some people have a closer relationship than you and it is not that she made him god, it’s just that that’s how they like it and there is nothing wrong with that just as there is nothing wrong with your marriage.
    Yes I have watched the show and I liked it to a certain degree…
    No I don’t agree telling my husband I miss him is bad, I do believe in sharing my feelings and it is not dirty or manipulative. I tell my husband I miss him all the time because I do miss him, he tells me when he misses me and its nice to know the person you love misses you when he is gone. Should he remarry I will not stop telling him I miss him unless I actually stop missing him.

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    I know I say this quite often, but I must say it again; I really enjoy reading your posts. I like how you express yourself. I especially like that you are self-analytical. You’re always working on trying to understand yourself better and improve yourself and your life.

    I’m so glad to hear you and your hub’s lives together is AMAZING. That’s awsome. You and he have been through an AWFUL lot together. You’ve weathered the storms and you’ve come to a place of calm and a state of peace. It’s where I am, as well. You know the saying that I always go back to: Whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

    I believe as you do, living polygamy can be a beautiful thing. If, however, all the parties don’t get along, one must find the beauty of polygamy for oneself. As my Egyptian friend said to me, “you have to learn to love life for life to love you.” It took me a looooong time to get to where I am today, but it was worth all that I went through to get here.

    I’m not saying my life is a bed of roses or peaches and cream. No one’s life is. I have my ups and downs with Alex as everyone does with their spouse. The downs for me, now, however, are short lived and sometimes not even worth speaking of. He and I made our intention to stay married to each other.

    I can’t imagine life without him and he says he doesn’t want a life without me. He always says his mother loved me when she was living and I’m all he has left of his mother. He says no one could take my place. I don’t think anyone could take his for me either. I believe Allah does give us our mates.

    Gail, if we’re going to wallow in misery and sit around thinking life dealt us a bad hand, then it is what life will be for us – misery. I could imagine what life would be like for you and me, if we sat around having pity parties for the rest of our lives. We have learned to pick ourselves up off the floor, dust ourselves off and keep it moving – forward – with the help and permission of God. There is no time to go backwards or stand still. This life will be over soon. It’s just a temporary place – a sojourn.

    It’s all good! Happy Day

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 31, 2014

    KA126, I was shocked at your Nanny!

    Ana, my cousin and I used to snoop through my Aunty’s SS books for the rudey bits!

    KA/Laila, there is something to be said for being home or at least not having a stressful, demanding job. I had 6mths off last year and it was very rewarding. Having said that I did keep thinking when should I go back, will my hours/conditions be the same, etc. I’ve now diversified. Instead of going back to my profession I now teach it with much better pay, hours, holidays etc.

    Sometimes there’s an option between current full time career and nothing. Just research, explore, monitor job vacancies and it becomes clearer.

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    I ain’t no slouch Boxing Punch

    Don’t get me wrong; I’m not a physical person Axe Murderer

    The effect would be felt subtly…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 31, 2014

    Salam alaikum Marie,

    I think it’s great that you and your husband communicate so well! That is a huge benefit.

    I think meeting the “other” is a good idea to set the framework. It gives you a chance to see if you two could build a relationship also. I don’t know your full situation but gather there is history, so please ignore me if I’m off track here.

    You and your husband sound like a close unit. Have you thought how to manage bringing a 3rd party in?
    If they do marry I’d suggest your husband considers that alot.

    He may be used to turning to you with his problems, but he should avoid running that marriage in conjunction with you. It shouldn’t be you and he discussing details of their marriage, same way he shouldn’t run your marriage in consultation with the other wife. I guess it depends on how the 3 of you see polygamy working for you.

    It sounds like you’re both trying to do things honestly with good intentions, all the best Marie.

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Jenny,

    The only Sidney Sheldon book I read was “The Other Side of Midnight”. I loved the movie so much that I bought the book and read it. I remember his books being best sellers on the regular. My mom used to read his books. She was big on reading novels. She had a bookcase full and she and her girlfriend use to swap books. I remember when I was young; I used to sneak into her bedroom, take a book and skim through it for the “juicy” parts hee hee and then put it back. I can laugh about it now. I can’t believe I did that worried

    @Marie,

    I’d say stay away from what’s happening in their lives, if you could. In the early days of Alex becoming polygamous I only wanted to know what was happening with her and how things were affecting her, in hope that I’d hear she was doing badly. It made me feel better about things to know she was suffering. Eventually I stopped wanting or needing to know. I began to rely on what Allah swt tells me in the Holy Quran about different people and their makeup, what they do and what they go through. I began to rely on my experiences in life, as well, what I went through and was going through in a life that involved polygamy. I, therefore, know what time it is (what’s happening). Furthermore, what Allah wants revealed no one can conceal and what Allah wants concealed no one can reveal.

    The days of snooping in his phone was short lived. It didn’t bear good fruit. Allah swt tells us that evil result in evil and good result in good. All desire to know what was happening with them left me entirely. The only thing that affects me to the point I want to take action is when she tries to disrupt my peace. She asked that I leave her alone and I’ve honored her wishes. It’s been years now that I haven’t messed with her. If she messes with me, I’m not one to sit back and let it happen. She need to be prepared for me to jack her life up to the best of my ability.

    Marie, I suggest you only involve yourself in things that involve you directly such as the schedule and what effects your children, as you both have them by him. Only concern yourself about things of that nature. Other than it, make your marriage about you and him only UNLESS you find her striving in the cause of Allah and wanting to be a sincere sister-in-faith to you, with the goal of entering Jannah/Paradise.

    You know what dealing with polygamy is all about. You’ve been with us all here on the blog. You have us here on the blog to support you and you support us. What’s she got? Insha Allah, she’s striving to serve Allah. Allah knows best.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 31, 2014

    Things are quite good in my neck of the woods thanks Jenny. My husband really is kind and gentle, and while he drives me beserk at times it’s hard to stay angry with him!

    Gail, I agree with everything you said to Leigh. Recently I decided very similar to you and took steps to haul myself out of a downward trend. It’s definitely made life alot better. I’ve also done the comparing to an ex thing you mentioned and you’re right it’s all an illusion!!! A trick.

    Laila/Ruqqaya, your discussion has raised an interesting cultural issue.

    In many Muslim cultures the wife IS expected to make her husband the centre of her life. Everything is done solely to make his life better etc. An example, I know a sister whose husband has never poured his own drink once, even if he’s standing at the tap he will call her to pour it for him. In that situation (where husband/wife has consented to her making him the centre of her world) asking her to share that with someone else must be very hard.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Did I say explicitly that clingyness is a problem in your marriage? Please forget that I referred you in my post. It may land me in trouble for typing out my thoughts or better still, it could be shirk… nite. Please forget my personal response to you Ruqayyah. Im too tired to keep explaining myself to you. Its already 3.15 am

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Ruqayyah. Missing someone is good. But telling them when they are with another wife is not right. Thats the others wifes time. Did u watch the show? Please do. Imagine if my co is away with him and if he calls me and I said I missed him so much. Wouldnt that make the man feel torn? Aren’t we playing a dirty manipulative game? Please leave shirk out of this. Lets not use the term for all situations as we fancy. If you cannot accept my view then I leavr it at that. Sorry but I do not need to keep typing and repeating myself. Its too tiring. Sorry.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Ruqayyah whats ur need to use shirk in everything?

  • marie

    March 31, 2014

    @ laila, so your advice is 1,let my husband deal with the situation
    2,dont look through his phone
    3,talk to her nicely
    4,dont get into a conversation with her.
    Ok I understand and half agree. The only problems are hubz is going to set up a meeting with the three of us to discuss days,money ect, so I’m going to have some sort of conversation with her. I would very much like this to happen because there’s no way she’s walking in to this without acknowledging that he already has a wife and responsibilities and that this will be a polyganous marriage not monogamous. I don’t need to voice this to her but I hope her seeing us all sat in the same room will make her know. Ok snooping in his phone, I do this but it’s not really snooping because he allows me to look, we, (hubz and i) are not secretive the only objection he has is if I read something out of context and go crazy or bottle it up and snap. He says I’ll only upset myself and doesn’t know why I choose to do that. More on that is I can advise him better if I know what’s happening. For example, ‘other’ indirectly asked my husband to marry her by sending a text to ask him to help her find a husband. Even tho she has been proposed to by several men. Recently (this morning) hubz was late in going to do something for her, so she sends another text saying he broke his promise and is not sure about the marriage now. She does this ALL the time, she’s an attention seeker and love my husband to beg her. So before he left for work I said, “don’t let her make you plead with her for the marriage to go a head, if she feels you can’t give her what she wants let her find someone else”. He agreed and said “I nearly was going to do that, and had to stop myself”. Had I not read what she said I wouldn’t know she was up to her usual tricks.

    Letting my husband deal with the situation. I can do that, although it will be hard, I’m very over protective of him, so I don’t want him falling for her games, um sure he don’t need my help but me being me I’ll throw in my 2cents worth. Yes I will talk nicely to her, BUT if she brings her stinking attitude to the meeting I can’t promise my niceness will continue. Thanks for the reply/advice noted and appreciated

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Okay sorry Ana but this thought just crossed my mind. Yes many women believe women like me are brain washed at some point. Why allow a man to sort of act or be single when he himself is a parent? For me this is very simple to answer. Hopefully my response does not spark a fire here.

    1. Ive learnt through time, that being difficult does not help in any way possible. If you love yourself / hubbs / then…. just let some fights slide. He’s decided to re-marry, if you are serious into the polygamous lifestyle, then give way for the new wife to get to know your husband. Yes, you might be filled with anger / rage / despair / sadness, but we women are way stronger than what we may think of ourselves. Just read 12 years a slave, trust me, patience is a virtue. *Yes girls, I am fighter cock at times, but some battles, Ive just let it rest in peace.

    2. Equality between wives. A man can NEVER be entirely equal. In my case it’s very evident. I may be the second and in my turf they say seconds are the favourite. Really?… I don’t think so. Equality is so subjective and so diffficult to do. Hubbs for example finds the idea of some of his pals buying two Coach handbags for both their wives as a stupid / daft thing to do. His argument? Both the women may like different brands, colours and style. It’s special when the husband takes time to take a personal interest and look into what each wife likes and not just lump the same thing to both.

    3. Freedom. I really believe after years of marriage that both husband and wife need their time alone or mingling with their friends. Yes, having them around is enjoyable. But having them constantly all the time, is a nightmare. Ive come to accept my hubbs spending time with my co and their kids. By the time he’s back, we have so much to chat about. Life is so interesting. Allowing your partner to be with his friends allows him to just ‘chill’. You will be amazed at how his attitude will be after his chilling sessions. In my case, he’s in a good mood, helful and attentive when I am talking to him. Mind, body and soul are with me.

    Being polygamous was never an easy path for me. All the fiery fights and arguments have taken it’s toll on me and our relationship. Nowdays I do blow but not constantly. Ive also learnt a few things along the way in terms of handling a relationship. Some issues are just noth worth it anymore. It creates a major rift, and for what?… Life is more than that.

  • ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    You pretty much did… you went on and on about how clingy they were and then said okau so I’m glad you figured out your problems. Clinginess is not a problem in my marriage, wanting to br with the person you are married to does not equate to shirk

  • ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    That was exactly my point just hecause the sister wives love their husband in a different way does not makr them wrong. Missing your husband when he is gone for 11 days does not make him your lord. It makes you human. And being jealous when there is an injustice is expected. If there was an understanding each wife gets three days then the new wife gets three days simple.
    You complain that your co istaken on holidays etc but then get weird when someone else says she misses her husband and is jealous of the injustice?

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Ana and everyone. Okay now I get why Ruqayyah is pissed at me. Oh boy. Look here ya, I was just sharing my thoughts / views about the damn show. No malice was intended in any manner to anyone, PLEASE! Ana, since when did personal opinion equal to telling off 101? Sorry but some of you ladies here also bash your co up too. Especially the seconds. Maybe I am in a funky mood where my thoughs are all over. No Ruqayyah. Im not an ‘ideal’ Muslim. NOPE! I make so many stupid, silly and childish mistakes that when I think about it, I am ashamed. But Ive also realized along the way that placing high expectations on one’s partner is a suicidal attempt on our part. Our partners are humans, just like us. They too have their needs. What’s all this talk about men behaving like single men? Hey… my husband went for a week long holiday with his family many times. Yes, I do struggle! But I don’t tell him that I miss him etc. In fact, I try not to contact him as I believe every wife + kids need their alone time at some point in their polygamous lifestyle.Is it not proper if I do not want my husband lounging around the house the whole day? In fact, just of recent Ive persuaded him to play golf again. You know why? Because he needs a life for God’s sake! He has a right to mingle and socialize and not just stick his body to mine. Whenever I allow him or persuade him to do the things he loves, he does it with a grudge but comes home happy and loves me even more for giving him space. Hey, men have feelings too. They too feel very trapped at times. Especially in polygamy. They are constantly running from one home to another. It’s not easy ya. They too would love to have their space to do their own thing. For me it keeps us alive! We have things to talk about at the end of the day. How you love your husband cannot be the same as mine. We are different women in different cultures and backgrounds. Im no better than you, and I for one cannot judge. It’s not my duty / right to do so. But one thing Ive learnt from my hubbs is that, being too clingy will kill the passion. Im speaking based on my own experiences. In the past I always used to whine about time spent. Nowdays I just don’t. Why must I whine? What will it get me? Will it get his attention? Yeah maybe for a day but that’s about it. Men aren’t stupid fools ya. They too take notice when their wives are sort of loosening up their side of the leash. No offence to you, but either I typed it wrong or you read it wrong. But it’s high time we all understand that free speech is not indicated towards slamming anyone here on the blog. Thank you very much.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Wow Ruqayyah. I think you did not read my post CLEARLY. Did I liken you to the women on the show? NO! I was just “talking” and giving my two cents worth of opinion on the matter. How sure are you that I don’t care for my husband? So does caring translate in ‘making’ a man bend to my rules and needs? As a matter of fact, hubbs does play an important part in my life. It’s just that, I do not want to make him my God. Ruqayyah, please read my post again. I was just giving comments in regards to the show and not linking it to you. Maybe my mistake was that I did not tab proper spacing. But all in all, different women have different views on how they care / love their husbands. Please so not start a blasting session for nothing, because I will not tolerate it. Sorry but I am not at the point where I am going to take flake for something I did not liken you to. Thank you very much!
    *P.S. Please, this is the EXACT problem in my home turf. Talking about a Muslims spirituality like as though we are God. Please leave the judgement to the Almighty. We are mere humans, who all err once in a while.

  • ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    Laila did you just liken me to a clingy cow and think somehowbthats a compliment? Yes they should struggle because unlike you most women like their husbands and enjoy having him home. I struggled having my husband in the mosque the last ten days of ramadan I can’t imagine him going off on a honeymoon which was unequal when each wife only got three days so should the newest wife… unless they all get an eleven day holiday. They are at home being a parent while he just gets to pretend he is single for nore than a week… I’ll never understand this mentality some wome have that you shouldn’t care much what your husband is doing. Okay fine checking his phone or following him isn’t okay but he is your husband he is meant to b e active in your life. Just because ylu don’t care much doesn’t mean other women who enjoy having an active partner are wron or less strong less muslim than you.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear Marie, in response to your question. If my co had told me that I am an a** but had cooled down and welcomed me by talking to me nicely, believe me or not, I would kiss the very floor she walks on. On another note, let the man handle the situation. By you two talking war will be started because BOTH WOMEN are facing their own demons. Do not snoop around for financial assistance or monthly allowances given by husband and also the calls or text messages made. My co once picked up his hp and told me this, “why are you looking for him, money not enough?”. Yeah, that’s the woman I have for a co. Create a proper and fair schedule. If the schedule is bent make sure the days are immediately replaced. Yeah you might say, you’re okay with it. but anger has a creepy way of burning us up from the inside. Yes have faith that Allah s.w.t. will help all of you to work things out. Pray as a couple together. That will soften your heart and really make the ISSUE a minute matter. Okay!
    [ hugs!! ]

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    On another note, I really need everyone’s input on this part of my life. I have decided to sell off my business. Ive been thinking about it for a whole month now. Last weekend hubbs and I went out and had a short but deep discussion about it. He was shocked! In fact I was shocked myself. Ive decided to sell it off because Ive realized that one of the reasons that I might always miscarry is because of the stress faced. My gyneacologist told me that in order to have a healthy pregnancy, I must eliminate unwanted stress. I also always or in other words never been home on time. Yes, my mornings are free but I start work at 12pm and end at 10.30 pm and I am home by 11 pm. If hubbs schedule is on, meaning it is my night, he usually comes home at the same time. He goes out to dinner with his friends just to kill time or sometimes it could be he also want to conduct after work business meetings. He does comes home early but he’s on his own. I also work on Saturdays till half day. By the time Sunday rolls in, I am very tired but yet Ive got to get the weeks groceries done. I have no clue why after four and a half years I am feeling this way. Is it normal to one day wake up and decide, Ive had enough? … I feel that maybe this is a wake up call from Allah s.w.t. to tell me that I need to put matters into perspective. This time I feel that I need to place the need to seriously build or start a family and that we as a couple need to have a stable but routine schedule. Ive been thinking a lot, as to why sometimes I do argue with hubbs and all. I feel so worn out nowdays. Even the other day I was so busy with work that by the time I got home, our cat was like all over me just to get my love and attention. I know many of you might say, “come on! It’s just a cat”… but I felt it badly in the sense that even my furball was longing for my attention. When hubbs sort of digested the idea into his mind, he did his part of venting as well. He told me that he found that I place my career / centre above everything else. He was afraid to start a family because as much as loves the idea of having kids it does to a certain degree scare him about who’s going to take care of them, etc. It’s not that he won’t do his part but his stance is that someone in the relationship has to take it slow and the other work harder. He feels children need their mothers attention better and that children given love and attention from young will grow up into well balanced adults. So far… Ive received no support from mum, dad, brother and sister. Yeah my sister and I patched up last weekend. Talk about timing! She actually APOLOGIZED! Wow… talk about timing… really. So hubbs said that he can afford me staying at home but he told me that I will end up being bored and crazy. The best is to work in a school because I am done by lunch hour. He also told me that I am angry half the time because since Ive opened up my business, I do not have the time and day to spend on myself or even having outings with my girlfriends… I believe him on that. I hope I am not doing a wrong move. I don’t know why at this part of my life chapter I feel that maybe I could do with some extra time and a bit of a balanced schedule and that I should work on spending more time at home and as a couple.

    Please anyone with this sort of experience, do reply because I would appreciate your input. Tq.

    Dear Spirited, welcome back girl! xoxo…

    Dear Ruqayyah, I just watched the show, ‘Sister Wives’ yesterday on tv and I must say all the wives are clingy clowns. Sorry for my tone.But seriously… they are. Their latest beef was that Kody took Robin the latest wife for an eleven day honeymoon and that the rest of them only got three days each. They claim that they are united as sister wives but from what I watched, they are all envious deep down inside. They said that Kody is a different man all together and that he’s the refined version when he married Robyn thanx to their grooming. I felt that was such a selfish statement. They were all struggling to go on with their lives for the eleven days that he was not around. I felt disgusted. At that moment I thought of Ana. Ha ha ha… happy Because Ana would say that they are in misery because they have invested all their energy and focus on ‘the husband’ and not Allah s.w.t. So true! It’s sad when women say that they are united sisters, loving and sweet and when one simple test hits them which is an eleven day honeymoon and they all crumble. The yuck part came when Kody called Meri, and she said it’s tough becaus she misses him. I think it would have shown Robyn a better example of a sister wife by Meri saying that,”have fun guys and bring us some chocolates home”. Well that’s my take on things… I know, Im quite a tv buff.Anyway Ruqayyah, it’s great that you have acknowledged your issue and that you are on your way to a better path of understanding that you too as a woman have your own inner strenght. [ hugs!! ]

    Dear DK…. I give up. Im not being cynical but you have a very way out off the grid thinking. Hope everyone’s comments enlightens you.

    Dear Fatima, though I have not personally chatted with you here on the blog but I am glad you are feeling way better. Miscarriages are never easy but it helps when our husband are our pillars of strength when we ourselves are so weak, and fragile in every way. I am glad you like Malaysia happy Take care.

  • Spirited

    March 31, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    @DK, sorry I didn’t remember your name before. Like just about eeeeeeveryone has been saying, lying and marrying in secret is about the worst thing to do. First of all, Islamic marriages should not be secrets. Are you ashamed of Allah’s guidelines? Marriages are supposed to be known, not hidden. Plus, like Maryam & Ruqqayya recently said, doing this in secret and then your wife finding out (she WILL find out, one way or another) will be even WORSE than if you tell her and do it anyway. Being lied to by your spouse is a huge trust issue and she will most likely hate you more. I still don’t trust my husband because of this exact thing.

    Its men like you that give this part of Islam a bad name. Do you think by lying and doing what you want, you are aware of the consequences? Do you think doing this your way is going to make your wife see you in a good light? Maybe you’ll plant a seed in her that will make her, God forbid, reject parts of her religion, driving her away from Islam instead of towards it. Maybe your actions will make her teach your children to also reject parts of our Islam, ruining everyone’s Imaan. Perhaps because of how difficult polygamy can be to accept PLUS your lies, she might fall into a deep depression and become suicidal. Only Allah knows of course, but IF such events happened, you would be held responsible for these things, not only with her and your children, but further generations also, if they too went off the correct path. So no, I don’t believe you have even a REMOTE idea of the actual consequences you could be facing. Because of what you’ve shown us here, it only seems like you’re interested in the pleasure you’ll receive.

    But again, only Allah knows exactly what your wife’s reaction would be, and Insa’Allah, she would be stronger than you seem to think she is. I don’t have the ayat on-hand right now, but I’m 99% sure that Allah states in the Quran that Muslims should not promise things that they know they cannot fulfill and Muslims DO NOT LIE. Go ahead with your marriage, but don’t lie to your wife and family. Be a “man” and deal with the consequences of your actions/decisions instead of trying to hide. That’s all I’m going to say about that. I swear, “men” like this infuriate me rolling eyes

    @Gail, I forgot to take it with me, but maybe some Pepto Bismol would have been a huge help laughing. Its usually not a good idea to take antibiotics without having a specific infection anyways (so you don’t help create super-bacteria). Thank you for the welcome back big grin Hopefully your ice cream business has a good season.

    @Jenny, thank you for the welcome back! Its nice to hear you taking some time to enjoy yourself. That’s always great! [imagine me doing a thumbs up here].

    @Ana, that post of yours was so cute and colorful with all the different smileys! I love it! laughing Glad to see you’re well and things are movin’ along with you too. I didn’t know Judith was one of the first folks with you and she’s still here — that’s pretty awesome.

    Awww, I wouldn’t leave you guys without at least mentioning something. I missed you & everyone else too. Its really nice to see that most things are calmed down for much of the gang, Masha’Allah.

    I really do need to buckle down with the books, but you wouldn’t believe how lazy I feel right now laughing. Oh yes, I saw my husband the same day I got back, then for the weekend & so on — which also included our 7yr anniversary, which was pleasant and happy happy. I’m always a little taken off-guard with the kinds of things you wonder about — but not in a bad way because you make me think about it too. For example, you asked how it seemed my husband & his 2nd…excuse of a wife fared. I hadn’t really even thought about how she would have fared. After all, why would anything be different for her? As if she cares about me? laughing I don’t even think about her anymore — much the same as the average person doesn’t think about ants they might have stepped on as they walk outdoors. As for my husband, he says he did miss me, then with this silly mischevious look of his, he said he especially missed the massages I give him laughing. I had to laugh at that, and said I missed giving them and he said “ok then how about one right now” and promptly laid down on his stomach so I could get at his back and thighs. laughing

    One annoying thing lately though is coming from my mom. It feels like she’s bent on doing anything and everything she can to make me hate my husband. I don’t see what she would get out of this, but she seems to be taking every opportunity to take stabs at me about him. I just don’t understand it =/ sad One thing is, she’s been strange ever since her mother passed away a few years ago, so I tend to think its because of this, but who knows what’s going on with her for sure. Well, let’s see how things go.

    @Fatima, I hope you’re well now. Please remember, Allah has His reasons for everything that happens. happy Insha’Allah, you’ll have more light ahead of you.

    Alright guys, I’ll talk to you later, gonna go chillax some more!

  • KA126

    March 31, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum Sisters,

    I’m still here. There has been a little drama that I have been dealing with here so that’s why I’ve been quiet.

    I hired a Muslim sister as my nanny a couple of months back to care for the children while I travel for business. Well, while I was in Denver she tried to get my husband to marry her and made sexual advances towards him. When Habibi turned her down, she stole my car and left my children unattended at the house. Subhana Allah! Then called and told me she was gonna spit in my face. As you know, I never told my mother about my polygamous marriage, well….. she called and told her and that opened up another bag of worms.

    So in other words, I have learned a lesson…. There is a reason women are the maintainers of the home and why women and men should not be left alone if they are not married to each other. So…. I have decided that after my Kansas trip, I’m quitting and taking care of my own children. I wish I could trust my Sisters in my local Ummah, but I’m disappointed that I can not.

    DK, please do not lie to your wife… that will cause major problems in your marriage. Trust is a huge factor!!!!!

    Ana, so glad you are doing well with Alex.

    Jenny, I have passed on your info in real estate advise to my husband. I think with me not working, I need to mass some wealth of my own now.

    The move to Habibi’s house has been going great dispite the drama. He allowed me to do all the redesigning and I’m building a new master bathroom and getting new kitchen cabinets in sha Allah.

    As far as my CoCo…. still in iddah, her choice but I think Habibi is working hard to get her back. I’m staying out of it. In my opinion, he is creating a monster… so I just don’t ask or comment. I have my own issues.

  • Laila

    March 31, 2014

    Dear all, I sincerely apologize for the silence on my part. Ive been going through a lot of changes in my life and Ive been doing loads of thinking in which I am starting to re-evaluate my priorities. As you all are aware, I did have a MAJOR quarrel / argument with my co and hubbs. The reason was this :-

    1. My co actually went snooping around and found out how much hubbs was giving me on a monthly basis.
    *Ive never snooped around and contacted the banks in regards to her monthly income from hubbs. She had the stupidity to TELL me that she knows how much and the amount as well by telling me HOW MUCH EXACTLY hubbs gives me.

    2. She contacted a business friend of ours and told her about my husband not being truthful, because he re-married me. She painted a picture as though my husband was a slime ball and that I am a s*** for marrying her husband. In short… no wonder my friendship had soured with this woman…
    I ended up blowing up and loosing my temper big time. I demanded for an apology from her and asked hubbs to stop protecting her of her insensitve antics. She retaliated by shouting in the background [ when I called hubbs on his mobile ]and said that this happened two years ago. Yet the damage was done. I really get annoyed with women when they do the sympathy move. Call business associates / friends / relatives / whomever that gives a rats ass and they pour out their heart and soul. In short, I told hubbs to stay out of my home and sight. It was bad because this time he knew I just wanted out and just will not ‘tolerate’ idiot behaviour. He called my mum and sort of vented out. Funnily this time my mum sided me and told him that he needs to make sure his dumb ass wife gets her act together, two years or not.
    He finally came home, and we talked…. Things have cooled down a lot now but somehow I do not have anger in my heart for my co but rather just no form of respect whatsoever. I just do not want to even bitch about her to him and I told him that elder or not, she can pretty much go to hell. He understands my stance on the matter and has not so far said anything about it further. It’s difficult to have respect for individuals who keep creating issues for others and later apologizing. What’s the point of apologizing when you know you will do something destructive to the same person again. I just let the matter rest and let karma take it’s turn. I believe when you keep hurting someone on purpose, it will hit you in some way or the other.

    Ive for now, let it slide and not give a damn. In short, I am getting immune to her antics.

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    Leigh,
    I read your post and wanted to give u some advice.If u have decided to stay in your marriage then my advice to u is fight for it.Think about this for a second ok.If u do a half A$$ job in life then u get a half A$$ result correct? Somehow u have to seriously just clean out your brain and start over and say to yourself ok I am not going to wait on hubby to make a change I am going to make a change.What u have to do is start by changing yourself.It doesn’t matter where u start just start.With me I made the choice to start exercising and in return I started feeling good and bragging on myself.I started being nice to me and building my own self up.Then i would smile and tell hubby I feel good and after a about week of me feeling good about me I asked hubby do u notice anything different about me? I said I FEEL GREAT!!! Well that got his attention and after that pretty fast everything else starting falling into place.Now he can’t keep his hands off of me and makes special trips back from his van before he leaves for work just to kiss me.My point is work on yourself and everything will fall into place very fast.Don’t worry about him and what he is doing because that does nothing to fix the real problem which is You and how u are feeling understand?Seriously sit down and figure think about all the blessings in your life and even write them down if u have to and start creating beautiful positive energy that comes from within.You will be amazed at how fast and how much positive energy will overflow onto your kids and your husband.Hope this helps.

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    DK,
    I am telling u clear do not marry the other woman without telling your first wife unless u are ready to start living a living hell.Your moment of pleasure.Honeymoon is not going to be worth your first wife wrath when she comes to know the truth.I have to say this but are you an IDIOT to even consider this?Also something u may have not thought about and u dang well need to is this.DO u have children with your first wife?Alot of people esp men do not understand or realize this but when u put any wife under stress esp when we are talking another woman and polygamy she will not be able to function and give her emotional support to her own children.For G.D sake try to understand this as it is emotionally important for the sake of your children if u have any with your first wife and reconsider not telling her.
    See here is the thing it is true your wife will be emotionally upset now and angry chances are and there is nothing u can do to stop that but later on after she has freaked out and calms down she will think back and know that you were honest with her.Honestly and loyalty means so much so I would advice you to not throw that away for a moments pleasure.Plus your second wife will also know u are not an honest man once she gets her head out of the clouds.Wives are so much stronger and amazing than husbands give credit.We are your backbone and we are your juggler vein/main artery I would suggest to you do not break your own back or slice your own throat.

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    Maryam,
    How are u doing these days? I read your post to Dk and I really really liked it.I also loath and I mean Loath the idea of anyone and I mean anyone thinking to disrespect a person by secretly marrying another be is male or female.It is so very wrong and it is emotionally abusive to the party that is being left out of the loop.As I everyone is aware I went through this personally and I did feel very much emotionally violated when the truth came out.It is nothing short of emotional rape and anyone that even considers doing such a vile act against another person then DO NOT cry later when that person finds out what has been done against them and CAN’T OR WON’T forgive you.I will say it again it is a VILE act and I would urge anyone considering to just DON’T.It is just not worth wasting years of your life when the truth does eventually come out and believe me know one can hide the truth forever.Your sins will seek u out.
    Again Maryam I really liked your post!

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    Jenny,
    oops i made a typo I meant to say I do want to make sure before I just jump in.Also I want to be clear in my question I asked.As far as I know a quite claim deed can Never be turned into a General Warranty Deed but my curiosity is can a Quite Claim Deed be just as secure as a General Warranty Deed if u go through a title insurance company and have a title search?

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    Ana,
    Happy to hear u and Alex are doing great.I forgot to mention my husband and I have been getting along amazingly.Something happened between us that was a major breakthrough.I actually have been holding on to old feelings for my first love my entire life and not really realizing it or even meaning to but I was using that first relationship as a standard to measure my two marriages with and boy did I figure out after chatting with my first love these last two yrs I could not have been more DEAD wrong to use him as a measuring stick.I have learned a huge life lesson in this regard to not measure everyone in your life by some self made up fantasy.So no more emotional measuring sticks for me.(what I mean by this is that I thought all these yrs my first love was the only true person that loved me and what I perceived in my mind to set the bar as far as emotional love,trust,loyalty goes.)Ultimately I figured out my husband is a Saint Saint Saint compared to my first love.
    So if any of u ladies out there have this hang up of using some kind of emotional yard stick with your husband I would like to encourage u to maybe stop doing that because it is a very destructive tool.
    I have also learned that I although I truly find polygamy life extremely hard I support the lifestyle 100%.As u say Ana if the family all believe in G.D or Allah and towards a common goal and fight their jealousies I see so much goodness and blessings in Plural marriages BUT one must in their own way and hopefully with their cowives ideally to work together and overcome jealousies.Where I see the beauty in Polygamy is with the children.A woman can only birth so many children but combined with her cowife/cowives they can enjoy a huge family that will always be there for them.
    As far as my cowife I wrote her an email and let her know clear that my husband and I would not be divorcing and she is going to have to work through her anger and get past it and accept my husband and my marriage.I also let her know it will be up to her what part she plays in our lives.I also told her straight either love us all or none of us we are a package deal and wither take all or leave all.
    Hubby wants nothing to ever do with her and I think that is a bit hard and extreme but I do feel strongly she must get past her anger and her made up fantasy of trying to say evil and nasty things to get hubby and I into conflict.This is very immature and I can’t have it in my life as I feel it is destructive to the children.
    On a different note I wanted to share with any of you ladies that have had menstrual problems.I read online about the benefits of coconut oil and ingesting 1/4 cup a day to restore hormone balance.My menstrual periods have been out of whack the last few months I have PCOS and well frankly it just sucks.So I was desperate when i started bleeding this entire month after not having a period for the last 2 months sooo… I bought some organic coconut oil from walmart and starting eating 1/2 an avocado a day plus i started taking a childrens multivitamin and a fiber gummi and after just 3 days of the coconut oil and only a week from starting the vitamins I have stopped my period thanks G.D.I just wanted to pass this info on just in case anyone is having trouble in that department.Also I would like to mention I have like this amazing amount of energy that I didn’t have before.I beeee liking the children vitamins.hahaha
    Seriously though Coconut oil I am reading is the number 1 antifungal against yeast in the body.

    Jenny,
    I so much wish I could pick your brain and find out exactly where u go for your auctions.I have this Idea of what I want to do but not certain if it is a great idea or not.I would love to just be your shadow and follow u around.Yeah I wish I could pick your brain.I can’t even describe how much I enjoy looking for properties.I am so ready to just dive in and get started.
    I do have one serious question though for u if u don’t mind.I remember u saying don’t be afraid of Quite claim deeds they are not all bad.I was talking to a company thinking to buy a home that they are selling quite claim and she told me if i want I can pay to go through a title company and get a warranty that way.Can u tell me if I am thinking correctly…. I am thinking that a title company makes certain knowone else owns the property other than the person selling and checks to see if there are any liens against the property not certain if they check for back taxes or not.Can u or anyone tell me if I am thinking correct and in the case of a quite claim deed and going through a title company to do a search I would be just as protected as a warranty deed?I am very curious to know this answer.I feel like an idiot for asking but I don’t want to make sure before I jump in what I am doing.My family is depending on me not to fail and I really want to understand everything before I just up and jump.

  • marie

    March 31, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum all.

    I hope everyone is in good spirits and health today. Update from my neck of the woods. Well the excitement has passed (maybe I was just hungry lol) I had 2 bad days, where I didn’t feel happy, cried and ignored hubz (acting indifferent towards him) I good now tho, hubz was really supportive and gave me lots of reassurance. I expect my emotions to be up and down for a time. “Other” maybe expecting too much from hubz as she’s already saying things like “is this how it going to be, broken promises blah blah” it was because he woke up late and was supposed to go down there to do something for her. I thought she would bring out her nice,patient,co-opritve side, but I guess she doesn’t have. one. Plus in the whole time iv known my husband he doesn’t make promises. If he tells me he’s going to do something and I say ‘do you promise’ his reply is ‘a promise is a comfort to a fool’ things will only happen if Allah wills it. so she must be hearing something different to what he saying. Which is nothing new it happens often.

    @DK. Oh dear where do i start. Please do not get married without telling her, not only will she have to deal with polygany she will have to deal with u lying. In my opinion it would be easier to come to terms with polygany then it will you lying,my advice is honesty is the best policy. It’s what my husband has done with me. My husband wanted to take another wife about 1 1/2 years ago. At first I was beside myself, depressed, crying and crazy. He was patient with me, reassured me and worked on making our marriage stable before he approached polygamy again.

    Your wife is going to want to talk about it a lot, I have woke my husband in the middle of night, phoned him at work and started the minute he walked in the door just to talk about him taking another wife. Iv said I can handle it and then broke down and said no way (all in the same day). I text him the other day saying I was done and don’t tell me anything about it, his reply was “Ok hunny do you need anything from the shop” lots of smiles that show kisses and hugs. And throughout all of this he has sat and listened, stayed calm and understood what my feelings are and tried to fix it. I know he has made lots of dua for me. Either way your wife will be upset if you marry again. Do not add fuel to the fire by lying to her.

    @everyone, my husband has said if I want to know the progress of their talks and was going on he will tell me. I don’t know if that is a good idea or not, what do you think? Also too all the second wife’s. Was there anything the first wife could have said or done to make you feel happier and welcome.

    Much salaams to all.

  • Jenny

    March 31, 2014

    @ Gail,

    There is a New York based gourmet ice cream company called Steve’s Ice Cream and it is the best in the world, in my humble opinion! I just cannot walk past the door without grabbing some! The flavors are oddball, like me, so we are a perfect fit. My two favorite flavors are the salted caramel (yummy!) and the vanilla bourbon (made with Kentucky bourbon). It’s expensive, in the realm of ice cream world), but worth every penny!

    Are you going to real estate auctions or just looking for properties in the paper? Beware of foreclosure sales unless they are run by the county government. I would check to see if the area you are looking at has tax foreclosure sales. Those are the best ones, but not all states do them. This past week, I bought three properties: a six bedroom house, four floors, 6150 square feet, $5000. Taxed assessed value: $158,000. Office building, two floors, working elevator and full finished basement. Paid $17,000. Taxed assessed value $317,000. Third was seven acres, in the mountains, on a stream. Paid $1200, taxed value $45,000.

    I’m going to another one later this week. There is some commercial land I’m looking at. My goal is to land vacant land on the Hudson river, but it won’t be this auction. Can get close to it, but not on it. Also, a log cabin in the Saratoga area is another thing that I want.

    @ Ana,

    Don’t you just LOVE Sidney Sheldon movies! Loved reading his books. Had such an interesting twist. Both parts in the midnight series were excellent!

    @ Maryam,

    Hello! How have you been?

  • Ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    DK I’m struggling to understand why you don’t want your wife to discuss it with you.she knows you’re planning it and is trying to understand because understanding will make it easier inshaAllah.. funny how ken will do everything to make sure polygamy is easy for them but wont put up with a little bit of discomfortto ensure their wives have an eaeier time.

  • maryam

    March 31, 2014

    Also DK of course your wife keeps talking about it! You are keeping her hanging.

    You keep talking about polygamy then back down, then talk polygamy, then back down. She doesn’t what you are planning. She’s hoping you will turn away from polygamy but sensing you aren’t.

    Also, you can’t keep communicating with the 2nd sister indefinately. She is hanging too. Communicating with a man who is not her husband. It’s not nice for her.

    If you want to be fair to both these sisters make a decision.

  • maryam

    March 31, 2014

    Salam Alaikum all,

    Thinking of you dear sisters, sorry you’re having problems Leigh, Ina yes definately only sign what you can read yourself, Spirited I saw all those smiley faces and knew it was you posting! Gail, Jenny, Ruqqaya, Laila, Judith and anyone I missed nice to see you all.

    Jenny I spent $1000 on hair once, 8hrs at the salon so I’m feeling you!

    DK, you keep talking about marrying in secret, from your first post until now. It’s obvious you want to keep it secret. YOU are the only one who gains this way. It is disrespectful to your 2nd wife to keep her a secret. And your first wife will lose trust and respect if you do it secretly.

    Everyone here has advised you not to marry secretly but you keep talking like its your only option.

    Ruqqaya is right. You say you have thought hard about polygamy and are ready for it. But your actions say the opposite to me. If you can’t deal with telling your wife you’re going to marry how will you deal with future problems? It’s not the right way to start polygamy. It’s disrespectful to both your wives.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    If you’re going to do it then do it quick and tell your wife before hand, like maybe a week before hand so that she can make plans for the night to keep herself busy but it isn’t so far away that she will suffer for weeks on end. It seems like she is trying to support you in this in that some days she is okay and others she isn’t. That is how it will be for quite a while, I feel like if you are man enough to be polygamous you can be man enough to deal with your wife’s emotions while you do so. Don’t keep her in the dark.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 31, 2014

    @DK wa alaikumsalam warahmatullahi wabarakatu.
    Do you think telling her later will have no problems?
    How will you deal with the problems later on? How will you tell her later on and avoid the problems?
    I feel like you just want to enjoy your honeymoon and not deal with your wife being upset…
    Do you think she will still need to trust you after you will have had to lie to her to get away and remarry?

  • DK

    March 31, 2014

    ASSALAAM MU ALAIKUM
    Dear sister /brother

    I now that some sister advice my not to get marrige whit out thilling my wifes first but then it will shore make problems i think but marry her and then thel here and the family leter maybe ?
    i make a lot of dua and hope for the best and i do think of the consecivences but allah swt will help inshahallah and my parpes are right well what i think at liist.
    And sorry for the lost of some sisters ….
    may allah swt give sabbar to all of us ameen
    i have just ben bizzi whit the family to relaxe them it ismuch better alhamdulillah and i dont thalk to my wifes so much about the subject but she do it avery daye almost hmmm
    i hope she will understand it son inshahallah
    before i decide just to merry the other sister whit out thelling here it is like some time she is ok and then leater no no that was not what i ment so it confuise me alot.
    any sister whit good ideas jazakallah
    wassalaam you´r brother i need hmm

  • ana

    March 31, 2014

    Gail,

    Hey there happy Alex and I are well. Thank you for asking. Insha Allah, he’ll be here with me tomorrow after he leaves work. I’m watching a DVD – one of my favorites -”The Other Side of Midnight”. I paused it to make some tea and to check the blog.

    I hope all goes well with your new business venture. I’m excited for you. I think you have the right personality for it. You’re assertive, have ambition, and have got a very good head on your shoulders.

    Well I better resume where I left off. Good night, dear.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    March 31, 2014

    Fatima,
    I am really sorry for your loss.I have been thinking about u alot over the past few months and wondered what happened to you.

    Jenny,
    I am the ice cream season has started now and we are working hard and saving money I have enough to get started although i have not actually bought a property yet I am looking to start buying this month.Lets see how it goes.

    Ana,
    Hope all is going well with u and alex.

    Spirited,
    I am happy u had a great time in Pakiland as I call it.lol I hate hate getting the $h!ts and stomach cramps oh what a nightmare.I used to eat antibiotics like they were Pez Candy.Glad u r back though.

    Aishah,
    How are u and your hubby doing these days?Also curious about KA126 and her hubby.

    Laila and everyone else I hope all of u are doing great.

  • ~Fatima~

    March 30, 2014

    @jenny,Ana,Aisha..
    Thankyou for your kind words on my loss.The planting of the two trees Jenny sounded very nice…Im sure your bob haircut looks nice and sounds easy to take care of..

    Hope everyone had a nice weekend.. going to bed soon… Hugs to all

  • Jenny

    March 30, 2014

    @ Fatima,

    I am so sorry for your loss. If you recall, last year I lost my set of twins, so I definitely understand how you feel. Having my husband’s support definitely pulled me through. When the anniversary rolls around, he understands why I still feel sad and get hateful, going into a funk for awhile. He planted two beautiful trees on each side of the walkway, knowing he had his own way of grieving reminded me I wasn’t the only one hurting.

    @ Judith,

    You don’t like my kitties!?! I think the kitties are much better looking then me! My hair used to go down to my butt and the past year I’ve been gradually shortening it. Now I have a bob that no matter how I mess it up, it looks better!

    @ Ana,

    Just came back from the city. Hubby wanted to take me out shopping. Went to Coach and Hermes, my two favorites. He’s been too nice…must be up to something! happy

    @ Spirited,

    Welcome back home! You were missed!

  • ana

    March 30, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, big grin

    @Fatima,

    Fatima, it is so good to hear from you. I became concerned about you when I hadn’t heard from you in a while. I am so sorry for your loss sad What a blessing that your daughters and your habeeb were there for you in the most difficult of times – Alhumdulliah! It was soooo sweet of your habeeb to take you to your favorite place in the world – Malaysia. Your love for the country and your depiction of it made me want to go there. Fatima, you are a part of our family. Insha Allah, stay in touch with us when you can. Always remember Allah knows what’s best for us. Stay strong.

    @Jenny,

    I’m so happy to hear everything is going nicely for you the way you’d like them to. I always like hearing how happy you are in your life. happy

    @Raquyyah,

    What has gotten into you woman? Can't believe my eyesYou did a Laila on us. Seems you transformed. You sound like a totally different person. You sound so upbeat, confident, and self- assured. You gave some very good dawah to Aisha, Leigh, me and all of us. Do you notice a difference in you? If you don’t mind me saying, before in your posts you sounded like such a needy person who was trying everything in her might to make certain her husband doesn’t do this polygamy thing. It’s how you appeared to me, anyhow. I’m impressed at how you have come so far in such a short length of time. Alhumdulliah! Raquyyah, Insha Allah, you keep up the good work. Winking Thumbs upKeep the dawah flowing to us, as well.

    @Judith,

    I hope all is good in your life and you are well. It’s always nice when you stop in and drop us a line. It lets me know that you are still here with us on the journey. For those who do not know, Judith was with us when we first opened the door to our house here. She never left us. Glitter kiss

    @Spirited,

    Welcome BackYou certainly took your sweet little time getting back with us. I know; I know; I know, you just got back in and had to get yourself situated again. But, gee, wiz. I thought you had turned over a new leaf and left us without saying goodbye Crying Goodbye.

    It’s good to have you back, Spirited. I missed you much. I’m glad your holiday was very nice. It must have been so good to get away. I suppose you’re going to buckle down and get busy with burying your head in the books. You didn’t say how it seems your husband and his other fared or didn’t while you were gone. Have you seen him yet? Did you family here miss you terribly? I was just wondering these things. Well, perhaps, Insha Allah, you could fill us in a bit more, if you feel so incline.

    @Everyone,

    I’m trying to get some things done around here (at home) so I could Chill Out

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    March 30, 2014

    Salaam gang!

    I’ve been back for a few days, just re-adjusting, getting unpacked, that sort of thing. My trip was uneventful, but relaxing & fun. I ended up not taking very many pictures (wasn’t there very long after all) and we mostly only went out to shop or for dinners because of work schedules of people laughing (and it would have been kind of odd taking pictures at the bazaars, in my opinion).

    Family is doing good over there, in-laws are also good. They were all very happy, they even cooked a huge dinner for the villagers to share their happiness, for what its worth. happy

    Like I expected, we had some conversations, they asked to be filled in on details etc., because their own son didn’t (even yet) talk to them only saying “I created this mess, I have to handle it” whenever they try to ask him. There weren’t any bad moods or tempers. Infact, my father-in-law seemed deeply ashamed and wouldn’t even look me in the eyes for a few days, eventually he talked to me, asked his questions, and things were like nothing ever happened. Things between all of us were perfectly fine — I was kind of worried at first that relationships between the in-laws would have problems, but not at all! I told my husband that of course I answered any questions truthfully if I knew the answers — I’ve no reason to lie (and I’m not a liar anyway). He was ok as well (didn’t get angry or upset, simply shook his head, laughed and called me one of his pet names for me). The in-laws also mentioned that they don’t and won’t accept his 2nd wife as family (and have told my husband this before). The child sure, because she’s blood, but he did all this in secret, all the lies, keeping everyone out of the loop etc., so he shouldn’t expect that anyone will ever welcome her — plus of course the scandalous problems that would cause in the village for the entire family. I told them that probably won’t even matter because she’s said she never wants to set foot in Pakistan or meet them (and I also let them know how she’s still keeping the truth of her marriage a secret from her own family). Based on other things we spoke about, they said it seemed like he was afraid of this woman, and I had to agree with that assessment laughing.

    Well, whatever the case, we had a lot of fun altogether. Jokes, dinners at different places, relatives coming to see me, etc. Speaking of dinners, oh my goodness, it seemed like everyone I met was on a mission to fatten me up laughing One of the older aunts was actually disappointed that I didn’t look “healthy” and was the same as when I left (she said I was too thin, lol). She was like, “when girls get married, they’re so happy that they plump up! look at you, still the same as before sad ” She was also saying that I didn’t look any older. I said that was a good thing! People do crazy things to look young, and especially to keep weight off! She was like “bah, no you need to eat.” By the time I got back, I did end up gaining 5 lbs sad But, Insha’Allah, that’ll be gone soon, lol. I probably would have gained more but I also ended up with stomach trouble and that prevented me from eating more (accidentally had beef one day — I can’t digest beef laughing ).

    Overall it was a good trip (minus the plane rides, I hate planes). Of course my family & the in-laws too were trying to convince me to come back for longer. I would have gone for a longer time in the first place, except for classes, heh. I told them if I get a chance, I would see about making another trip if I could, to stay for longer than about 2 weeks that I went for this time. I really didn’t get to spend much time with family and didn’t get to see some people at all sad

    I’ve been reading what’s been going on lately with the gang, and it seems like stuff with everyone’s lives are “ok”. (except for Laila’s recent questions about divorce, those seemed to be a little troubling — I hope everything is alright). It was also nice to see some brothers adding some input. There was one brother who isn’t writing lately who was thinking about lying to his wife & doing what he wants to do anyway (bad idea) who I didn’t agree with (obviously), but well…men will do what they want — screw the consequences, so whatever.

    Oh before I forget, Lynnette, thank you for the links and the information you provided. It was very nice of you to keep us in mind! I’ll be sure to share/read what you’ve shared.

    Ok, I’m gonna head off and watch some stuff. Kind of take it easy (though I should be reading for classes… laughing ). Talk you guys later, Insha’Allah everyone is well and continues to be in good health and spirits! Much love & prayers (and please do keep praying for me as well~)

  • Judith

    March 30, 2014

    Jenny,
    Don’t you think it’s time to take down the Titanic cat logo and put up a picture of yourself instead so we can see what a $600. haircut looks like?
    XO
    j

  • Aishah2014

    March 30, 2014

    Fatima sorry for your loss.glad your husband and daughters have been a comfort to you…Ruqayyah yes that is good advice for me.i make duaa for him yes cause only Allah can help/ change him/enlighten him,whatever,same for all of us!

  • Ruqayyah

    March 29, 2014

    @Abbas funny you say that about learning about wives rights, I had the same experience with my husband. He so desperately wanted a second wife but did not take any responsibility for our marriage. Once we spoke to a Sheikh and he learned what his responsibilities towards not only his wife/wives were but also how he will be responsible for each child etc… he still I’m sure would love to have another wife but he is more sensible about it. For example he does not think I am selfish because I ask him to maintain me financially, before he felt I was selfish because maintaining me meant he could not get a second wife. Now alhamdulilah Allah changed his mind as He allowed my husband to find knowledge that polygamy isn’t just about fun, it’s about responsibility too. Eventually the fun of any marriage wears off (the initial honeymoon fun, hopefully our marriages remain fun anyways) and you are faced with the responsibility. If you aren’t ready to take that on then you will be miserable.

    Hubby and I seem to be on a whirlwind of emotions and intentions, despite what some on here think I am not some crazy lady following him around begging him not to remarry. I did consider what Laila said about me being possessive and perhaps it’s true, I have tried to be more conscious of it and am backing off. Instead I try to describe my need to him and let him come to the conclusion of fulfilling that need.
    Perhaps polygamy will benefit me in that way, he seems to be more willing to care for me when he is away from me for a time.. more considerate etc. I feel at peace today alhamdulilah, things are good. happy

  • Ruqayyah

    March 29, 2014

    @Aisha, that’s really disturbing. Some people get addicted to things and have no idea how to control it. Without fear of Allah they will keep going and get themselves into a lot of trouble. It’s funny how you have found this out yet hubby seems to be oblivious.
    I’m glad you are seeking help, you got to get yourself into a good state of mind to be able to worship Allah properly. InshaAllah your husband will see sense soon. A good friend of mine gave me some advice I have found really helpful, whenever I feel like attacking my husband make duaa for him instead. It gives me patience knowing things take him to change but also makes me feel good that I don’t have to keep silent, I am asking help from the only one who can help me (Allah, not my husband) and it stops fights in their tracks. Leigh inshaAllah that can be of benefit to you too.

    @Leigh, I understand that feeling all too well. The husband who is soo interested in polygamy even though the marriage he has he is not working to better it. InshaAllah make duaa and try yourself really hard.. show him you are willingto work for it and inshaAllah he will come around. Burying yourself in work and volunteering may stop the pain but it wont help your marriage long term. Make duaa, pray, dress up nicely, organise date nights or just times where you guys have dinner together etc. As frustrating as it is the bulk of the fixing this marriage thing seems to fall on the women, men don’t seem to be able to think about what is wrong in a relationship and have the patience to fix it like women do.
    Most importantly do it for the sake of Allah and you will get 100x more than you imagined, think I am pissed at him but I am going to dress up because I want to make my marriage work as I want Allah to be happy with me. I am going to cook a nice meal so that I may be rewarded with a good deed and so that Allah may turn my husbands heart towards me etc. It brings you closer to Allah and brings your husband closer to you inshaAllah.

  • ~Fatima~

    March 29, 2014

    Good evening Ana.. I have been away for several months from the site and was thinking of everyone .. I am not sure all what has been going on here but will fill you all in on my life.. As you know I was pregnant and I was very sick for a few weeks right before the miscarriage.. I became very sad and withdrawn.. Habeeb was very supportive with me and very caring during that time.. I didnt feel to talk to amyone for a long time.. Habeeb was so worried, he took me away for a while and we went to Malayisa my favorite place. I finally accepted my loss and thanks to my daughters and husband who supported me.

    Things are back to normal and back to work again.. with more work then ever to keep me busy which is good for me.. Spring is near which is my favorite season.. I wake to the sounds of the birds early morning.. My brother in law will be visiting again this time just him .. not his wife.. Thank goodness.. not that I dont like her but I remember all to well the water all over the floor incident.. I laugh now .. but boy was it a mess.. ughhhh

    Hope hes not like that.. InshaAllah..
    Hugs to you all and I will have to take some time to back track on here..
    Missed everyone..

  • Jenny

    March 29, 2014

    @ Ana & Gail,

    I love ice cream time year round! I’m the nut you’ll find buying ice cream in the winter.

    Gail, how are your auctions coming? Last week I attended one and cleaned house! I bought another office building, another house (I paid $5000 for it ~ 6 bedrooms, total square footage of 6100 sq ft), and then 7 acres on a big creek! Wow! I went out to it after the auction was over. I had to force myself to leave. Totally in love with the sound of the water babbling over the granite! I have another auction next week.

    I took Friday and spent the day at Elizabeth Arden’s Red Door Spa on Fifth Avenue! Wow! Was that ever a treat! I found a new way to spend money!

    For the first time in my life, I spent $600 on a hair cut!!! All I could say was, “Wow!” There is like three people for every guest! My hairstylist was listed as one of the top most sought after stylist. After I looked in the mirror, I could see why! The cut he gave me took off 20 years! Totally got a new look and hubby liked it very much!

    I also made two new friends. One lady comes from another state to get her hair done every month. She’s an interior designer and her husband is a VP of a major banking firm. The other lady is the marketing director of a very expensive brand of jewelry. We came in together and started chatting. We even had lunch together (in our robes no less). The three of us made our appointments together for next month.

    At first hubby wasn’t too happy of my having a male hair dresser, but when I got home, he was okay with it. Actually, I was kind of surprised at how laid back he was! He was teasing all his friends how I spent $1000 at the salon! I’ve decided a little time off every month with my new found friends would be fun. By the time I was finished at the spa, I can back so energized, I felt like I could accomplish anything. Work went well for me after.

    Nothing else new in my world other than my incredible experience at the Red Door Spa.

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    Some people here may not be familiar with the colloquial expression that I used – “Let him hang himself”.

    What I meant by the saying is: we do not have to do anything sometimes to rectify a situation or to penalize someone for something. All we need do is sit back and wait and watch; the person usually brings about his own destruction.

    This is an open house. No need to knock Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    Aishah,

    In Disbelief What kind of women are these men (who allege to be Muslim) hooking up with?

    It’s crazy…

    My philosophy now is – just let them hang themselves. It’s all good I'm Happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    March 29, 2014

    Ana i remember you saying that.i havent gone yet but it is good to be informed…Co also “likes” a site advertised as a gentlemans site which is primarily large breasted women in small bikinis / bra/ underwear so yes would be difficult to figure out her intentions.God only knows…

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    Aishah,

    Maybe you remember I mentioned I saw a divorce attorney when Alex first became polygamous. I did so to know what my rights are and what I’m entitled to by way of my marriage license. It helped me. Though, I doubt Alex and I would go that route. He is firm about not wanting a divorce and I am, as well. Every now and again the thought crosses my mind when we disagree on a matter. I’d like to be at a place where I don’t think of divorcing him every time he and I have a major disagreement. Insha Allah, I’ll get there. When it comes to divorce in Islam, a husband must provide maintenance based on a “reasonable scale”. It’s what we need to be mindful of. No, I wouldn’t want “a pound of flesh” from Alex should he and I divorce. It’s a term he used laughing

    Aishah, your husband’s other could be on dating sites because maybe she wants a husband of her own – a husband to herself. She is quite young. She really is in a position where there is no need to share a husband unless it’s Allah’s will. At the moment, it is Allah’s will, but He wills for her future may not be the same as now. Nonetheless, she may want to do her own thing as well – keep your husband and have another male companion on the side. Some women who allege to be Muslim still have no qualms about having another male on the side to spite the husband. If faith is not in the woman’s heart, she has no fear of Allah and is capable of an adulterous relationship. Nevertheless,she only ruins her own soul.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    March 29, 2014

    Salaams,well i actually first saw a counselor who although not muslim( she was on my list for health insurance,muslim one out of pocket but its all good)she is skilled and was non judgemental.relationships are relationshis.her background ( which included sex counseling) indicated to me she would have some open mindedness and she did.bottom line was the putting me first, cause i do put everyine elses needs first,figure out where im at, consult,just consult an attorney to see what im entitled to if we should go our separate ways.she didnt judge like” this is a divorcable situation blah blah”i explained to her Islam stand on men having more than one wife, she had some familiarity with it.she kinda said” u may be further ahead in the ball game cause u acknowledge ur husband is capable of loving another and u accept he will based on your belief but u just want the guidelines followed and not to be abused in it”.yep.i think she said ” your husband is the one who needs to be on the couch!happy”.yep.but everyones experience is different.so when my muslim friend found me the muslim counselor i said “great!”.i have really zipped it a lot.i can have both the counselors.their views r not conflicting, and r respectful of our religion…some of the stuff really builds up and i dont always blog it dont wanna sound too negative.p.s.my muslim counselor says journal it too. zip it,but write it if i must.that works.at the end of 30 days ( by way the me zipping it is at a good time cause at a time of much job stress,for both of us) i would like to tell him that she is on online dating sites …cant quite figure out what they say, but why if she is married does she need to be in dating site? ..i know when i discussed the STD etc.stuff here how that went….no my love life is not the same.i accept thats on me.but i would still chose to do for myself, based on what i know/ dont know about this psrson.she is cabable of some whopper lies i guess thats how she got here…so thats the story.ill see counselor again in a week or so..

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    Leigh, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You shouldn’t be fearful to speak up. Speak what is on your mind. You have to begin to communicate with your husband. Of course, you need to do it in a healthy, productive way.

    I’m at fault in that I tend to raise my voice and freak out when discussing things with Alex or my wali/bestess when we are in conflict with each other. I definitely need Allah’s help in this area. I need to learn to restrain my anger.

    Fear is debilitating. Allah swt tells us throughout the Quran to fear no one and nothing, but Him. To fear someone else is to make the person equal with Allah. Why fear the person. The person has no power to do us any good or harm, unless Allah wills it.

    You and your husband need to find a way to come together, if you want your marriage to work. You indicated to us that you want your marriage to work. You have to begin by having dialogue. Perhaps you could write him a letter or send him an email, if having a face to face talk is intimidating for you. I communicate my feelings sometimes to Alex by way of email, so I can get my point across without freaking out on him

    Shocked scream It doesn’t work.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    Sis Laila,

    I was just getting ready to give you a Hola Text. I missed you. I’m glad you returned.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All

    Aishah,

    Thanks for sharing with us some of what the Muslim counselor said. I’m sure whatever you are able to share with us from her would be helpful to us. I’ve been there before in discussing things with Alex and the conversation is the same over and over again. I say my piece; he says his and it never changes. It’s the same ole, same ole, over and over again. When it gets like it, it’s best to shut it down, as rehashing the same thing over and over again with no change only makes matters worse. I end up getting totally frustrated. Sometimes we just have to “zip it” and let it play out.

    @Ina,

    Yes, whatever you do, don’t sign anything that is in a language that you don’t understand. You could be signing all your rights away in doing such a thing. Even if they give you a translation, make sure you have a copy of the translation, as well. Make sure you have your own copy of each and every document that you signed.

    Islam is about marriage being simple and easy. As ummof4 stated Muslims are following the way of those who do not follow our religion – all the man-made laws, red tape, excessive paperwork etc. A first wife’s permission is not needed for a husband to take an additional wife. People have changed Allah’s laws.

    @Everyone,

    No one should underestimate the power of prayer.
    Remember:

    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the argument between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).”
    Quran: Surah Al Mudadilah 58, Iyah 1

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 29, 2014

    Dear Ina, sorry but I just had to butt in. Malaysian Syariah law is STUPID, and a total waste of time. So yes I can understand your stance on the matter. If you are okay, Im sure you can send it to Ana and I will translate it for you. No worries. Yes, hubbs and I did not go through the courts. We paid our kadi or the guy that got us married and he handled the mountain of paperwork….

  • ummof4

    March 29, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum ans hello to all,

    Ina, I understand your frustration in having to be involved in approving your husband’s second marriage. As I mentioned previously, countries that are governed by Muslims need to follow the Qur’aan instead of man-made laws. The Qur’aan does not say that a second marriage requires the first wife’s approval, but the Muslims pass laws that say that the permission is needed. I agree with you not signing papers that you do not understand. It could be saying anything. If they want you to sign the papers, they should make sure you have a translation into a language you understand. Why would they refuse, unless there is something to hide? Take care of yourself and your children and make du’ah that your husband’s “new love and honeymoon high” ends soon.

    Aisha 2014, I like the advice your counselor gave you; Alhamdulillah you found a Muslim counselor. They are available with a little bit of searching. May Allah bless you to get through your 30 days and go on to the next step.

  • ana

    March 29, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Please note:

    If someone wrote a post/comment and it does not appear here, it may not have been approved due to a link in it or reference was made to another blog. Polygamy 411 reserves the right not to approve such comments. For instance, a post that refers to someone’s “Facebook” page will not be approved. Those posts that refer to a site that is not a blog, but the site allows for comments and discussion may not get approved.

    The posts with referrals to other sites and posts with a link(s) on them will be reviewed for approval on a case by case basis. Polygamy 411 reserves the right to not approve posts/comments.

    I suggest those who are unsure whether their posts will get approved keep copies of their posts so they can amend the posts for approval, and not have to rewrite them.

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    March 29, 2014

    Salaams.quiet here.Leigh i hear you.welcome back.keep coming back.do as Ana says ur prayers,rememberance of Allah,Quran.how bout get up at night for istikarrah pray for extra guidane,pray ” the woman who pleads” surah, pray Nas and Falaq, and just sit w God for a bit.maybe fast some days get some clarity.by the way i have a muslim sister counsellor. now and all those are her suggestions.plus i have homework to figure out “me” not “him and co” and the toughest assignment”zip my lip for 30 days” i am not getting into discussions which lead to same arguements same outcome blaming me.ive shut it when he blows me off on my nights which has occurred a couple of times.( interestingly even tho we had been married so many years and its been such a struggle i never hesitated to push him out the door,remind him it wasnt my night whatever,but he hasnt had same carryover and co hasnt either).so …maybe i said be mindful of Allah and if you are saying you on path of righteousness shouldnt u want ur wives to behave in most righteous manner”..(obviously nites are not only thing) but other than that zipped it.counsellor said. Just do me,which is littke tough w kids,work,but making sure i do all of above and get hair done etc. ..Leigh u need to speak w him bout ring/ if there is anothet wife in the works.i totally understand the feeling and fear of change.may Allah help us all.o p.s.im not sure whats coming after the 30 days.more to come.

  • Ina

    March 29, 2014

    @ Laila, hope you are ok.

  • Ina

    March 29, 2014

    Hubby is going back to Malaysia in June to do more paperwork, attend court for his 2nd marriage. It’s hard to see him spend some much time, effort and money on something that hurts me so much. My son asked him to fill in a form for a school trip and he couldn’t be bothered and ask my 9yr old to fill in himself. That annoyed me!

    I am also getting slightly annoyed at the Malaysian system of needing 1st wife’s permission. At first I thought it was a good idea but having signed 3 copies of a form, my husband tells me I have more papers to sign, may have to attend court, may get a phone call. It was hard signing the papers the 1st time round…I don’t want to be involved in every step of the process. They have my signature saying he can marry another so why make me sign more stuff. Especially if the paper is in a language that I don’t understand. I told hubby that I am not signing something that I don’t understand the language it’s written in.

  • Ina

    March 29, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Leigh,

    Even though you are scared to talk to him fearing the outcome, not communicating is not going to help change anything. In many cases, not talking will only make things worse. As you said, things are bad now anyway. If you want to save your marriage then you need to take action.

    My husband and I went through a rough patch after our 2nd son was born. I knew he was unhappy as was I but we did not talk about how we were feeling. I would tell my friends and he would talk to his friends but never to the 2 people who really needed to know…*sigh*

    If you fear that emotions may get the better of you by talking face to face, maybe you could start by writing him a letter.

    You say you’d be ok with him taking a 2nd if he tries to fix things between the two of you. Both of you need to make the effort and it doesn’t sound like either of you are from what you have written. You heart has grown cold, you feel like giving up, busy with work and volunteering…these are not signs that tell him you want to work on your marriage too.

  • ana

    March 28, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Leigh,

    It’s nice to have you back happy I remembered you, but I didn’t remember your story until you refreshed our memories. I know it’s way difficult for you to sit back and watch your husband continue to pursue another marriage. Especially finding the engagement ring must have been extremely painful. I understand you not wanting to start over again with a new husband and new life. I don’t want to go that route either, and don’t really see it happening. Of course, Allah knows best.

    You said you drown yourself in work. I suggest you drown yourself in reading some Quran; make sure you offer your five daily salats (prayers) – all of them; zikr (remember Allah and His attributes); get some CDs of Surahs from the Quran and play them in your vehicle while driving or in your home. When I drive, I listen to Quran.

    All of what I mentioned is the kind of busy that will yield huge rewards for you. It’s good you’re doing some volunteer work, as well. Insha Allah, you’ll continue to do your work and volunteer work while being conscious of Allah, so it will bear fruit. Remember Allah when you do all things to reap barakats (blessings) for it; otherwise those deeds don’t count. Some people don’t like or believe some deeds don’t count if they’re not done to seek the pleasure of Allah. Oh, well i dont know I didn’t make it up. It’s what Allah swt says in the Holy Quran.

    Leigh, try not to focus on your husband and his activities. Wow, so he and you shut down again sad Have you TRIED to talk with him? If you don’t talk to each other and try to work it out, it won’t miraculously work itself out. You got to put yourself out there.

    Have you asked Allah for help and guidance? Don’t try to figure out whether you should stay or leave the marriage. You’re going to do what Allah has decreed and it will all unfold the way it is supposed to. Ask Allah for patience and to help you persevere, as He has a plan. His plan will reveal itself in time…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Leigh

    March 28, 2014

    As salaamu alaikum everyone!!

    It’s been soooo long since I’ve posted here. I just wanted to stop in and say hi ad hope everyone is doing well. I stopped posting when we started running a few posts simultaneously. I get the alerts on my phone so it got a little confusing. I’ve missed it here though. It was nice to feel like I belonged somewhere especially because i feel like I’m an outsider in my own life. If anyone remembers me from awhile back you’ll know that right now I’m my husband only wife after him and his second divorced last year. Things between him and I have just gotten progressively worse and we are back to pretty much being roommates again. It’s really frustrating. I came across a receipt the other day for a diamond engagement ring from later last year which obviously wast for me. I don’t know if it’s for someone new he has on the side again but it just really irritates me that he spends so much of his time focused on starting a new relationship when his current marriage is a laughable disaster. My heart has grown so cold to all of this that im at that point where I don’t even know if there’s any hope of fixing anything about this marriage. But at the same time I’m afraid to approach him about it because I don’t want to set anything in motion that I’ll regret. Honestly right now I’d be ok with him taking a second if he honestly tries to fix things with us. I really don’t want to start over again. We have kids together and I don’t want to break up a family. It’s just sucks that it’s gotten to this point again. I’m scared that there really is no hope for us. I have no one in my life I can talk to about this because the person I use to be able to talk to we kinda had a falling out and haven’t gotten back to that place where we are good friends again. I feel like I’m all by myself all the time and it’s so stressful and it’s really taking it’s till on me. I’ve been drowning myself in work and volunteering to fill the void but it only helps a little. Anyways. Sorry for the long rant Just kinda needed to get that out. How everyone else is doing good though happy

  • Gail

    March 28, 2014

    Ana,
    Ice Cream season has officially started now in my neck of the woods.It has been slow because of the weather but hoping from this week we will have the trucks on the road everyday.
    As far as my excowife because of her anger towards my husband and myself we have decided for the time being to not let her have contact to the children.We feel there would be no good come from it until she gets hold on her anger.In my husbands culture the children esp the boys will live with their father the rest of their lives as the culture is set up joint family and if excowife comes buzzing around she will only be doing so just to cause us unrest my husband feels.So again as of right now the children r off limits to her.I sent her a message last night and explained to her clearly that she has somehow got to get past her anger and accept mine and hubby marriage.We offered her to be a part of our family but she refused and even went as far as to demand my husband divorce me to my inlaws.I also told her she must accept all of us or none of us.Our family is a package deal and there will not be any i pick u and u but screw everyone else.I feel very easy in my choice and hope she will come to her senses soon.
    The man they are wanting to marry her to is her sisters exhusband imagine that.Granted her sister did not live with the man or have sexual relations with the man as far as I know but boy did they have trouble with that boy and had to go to court to get their gold and money back from that family when he divorced my excowife older sister.My excowife and her mother are something else if u ask me.I hope she comes to her senses and not marry that good for nothing and gets past her anger before it destroys her.Even the sad part is I am here for her and she knows it but refuses to accept me out of her anger.

  • ana

    March 27, 2014

    Hello Gail,

    I’m glad all is well with you and your family. So, your ex-co is going to remarry, huh. Insha Allah, all will go well for her. It may help her to overcome any bitterness and ill feelings she has towards you and your husband and she will resume contact with the children. You shall see where it leads…

    Although you have nothing to report, Insha Allah, still stop in and chat with us. I wonder how I’d be able to control myself if I had access to ice cream the way you do. I LOVE ice cream. Smiley eating icecream I try not to buy it. It’s how I control myself with it. LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 27, 2014

    Thank you Sister Ruqayya for your info.

    And thank you Abbas for the link, it’s always good to read others opinions and reflect.

    Sister Laila, don’t despair. Rough times are a bit like riding through a storm. Eventually we come out the other side and see things more clearly again. The only thing that calms me during those times is prayer.

    Sister, hold tight to Allah. He never leaves us. Try not to make decisions or think too hard while you’re upset.

  • ana

    March 27, 2014

    Dear Sis Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    What’s the matter Wondering

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Abbas

    March 27, 2014

    Assalamu Alaykum,

    Thank you, sister ana.
    I can’t stress enough to read this book for all of us.
    “The Rights of Women in Islam” – By Ayatullah Shaheed Murtadha Mutahhari (ra).

    http://www.al-islam.org/rights-women-islam-ayatullah-murtadha-mutahhari

    http://www.al-islam.org/rights-women-islam-ayatullah-murtadha-mutahhari/part-eleven-polygyny

    Hope it will be beneficial, insha’llah.

  • ana

    March 27, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Here is a link to Brother Abbas’ original post.

    http://polygamy411.com/polygamy-in-iran/#comment-67991

    He made two posts there.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 27, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    What’s all this talk about divorce? Let’s follow what the Qur’aan says. If the husband and wife cannot solve their problem(s), then a wise Muslim man from the wife’s family and a wise Muslim man from the husband’s family should be mediators in a counseling session or sessions. It should be kept in the family and if the people in the family have strong emaan and trust in Allah most minor problems can be solved. Divorce should be an option only after everything else has been tried. In the situation where the family is not Muslim, the Muslim leader or whoever is appointed to do family counseling should mediate. It is vital that the mediators are people who do not pick sides just because they know the person and does not pick sides based on their gender.

    Laila, as stated before, many of us have asked for a divorce from our husbands. I know I did many years ago, but he told me NO! After I came to my senses I was happy that he realized that I was just going through an emotional phase and did not really want a divorce.
    It doesn’t sound as if you want a divorce from your husband, you just want peace in your life. Well, you will probably have to find your own peace. Ignore his other wife and children if they are destroying your peace. Your husband may never change in his actions towards them. Try to keep his other wife and children out of your marriage and ask your husband to please do the same.
    Do you two really need marriage counseling or do you just need to stop focusing on his other wife and children? You can do it, you’ve done it before. Just keep up the good work that you have already started.

  • Laila

    March 27, 2014

    Tq Ana n everyone for their input. Nite guys..

  • ana

    March 27, 2014

    After she has married another, her current husband would have to divorce her or die before she could remarry her former husband. The saying of the talaq three times by the husband is only to make certain the wife clearly understands that she is divorced. It counts as only one divorce. Two of those divorces are allowed.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 27, 2014

    Ruqayyah Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I just ran it by my Walie/bestess. He said that a man should say the talaq three times to let her know and understand that he has divorced her. It only counts as one divorce. She then begins the idaat period.. He could divorce her a second time. He would give the talaq 3 times to make sure she understands that he has divorced her. Then she begins the idaat period. She then cannot marry him again until after she has married another.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    March 27, 2014

    Ana, as far as I know that sounds correct. happy
    Maryam, it depends, if Ana will allow and if you accept hadiths in the time of the Prophet may peace and blessings be upon him 3 talaqs given at once were considered as one. It was not until later one, I think when Umar radiallahu anhu was the leader (it may have been another man but I’m pretty sure it was him) he was saying people are being hasty where they should really consider what they are doing so count 3 talaqs at once as 3 separate talaqs and make it an irreversable divorce. This has lead to both opinions, some saying it is 1 and some saying it is 3. Best to check with your local islamic leader if it has happened or just to clarify.

  • Gail

    March 27, 2014

    Ana,
    All is well with my inlaws they are back from Pakistan now.My kids r happy there grandparents are back also.Happy to here u and Alex are doing fine.I don’t have much to report at this time all is going well.As far as my excowife she will remarry and move on.

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    maryam,

    What you asked about the idaat period and then reconciling after 3 talaqs were given was my question, as well.I thought it could be done, but Ruqayyah corrected me.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, happy

    I’ve heard of men giving 3 talaqs at one time to their wives. It’s one of the most ludicrous, crazy, insane things that I’ve ever heard of. I think it’s a total abuse of the system. If 3 talaqs are given to the wife at one time, she has to marry someone else and divorce or the husband has to die before she could remarry her former husband.

    We’ve probably all been there in a heated moment that we think we are just fed up with our condition and can’t take it any longer. We ask for a divorce. Once we’ve cooled down and composed ourselves, we are glad our husbands didn’t honor our request. The same thing happens with men. They may divorce the wife in a fit of anger, but once things simmer, he want’s his wife back.

    Allowing us to divorce twice is to give us an opportunity to see if we can reconcile our differences before intending to part permanently. I wonder how many people have given three talaqs at one time when in a fit of rage and then ignored the process and simply stayed married. Some scholars are telling these men that the giving of three talaqs at a time is not permitted. Three talaqs at one time can create serious problems for the couple who may truly love one another and want to stay married.

    Thank you, Sis maryam, for your well wishes for Alex and me. I had just climbed into bed to watch TV with him. I checked my phone and saw your post. LOL I knew it would take too long for me to type this on my phone, so I climbed out of bed, turned on my computer, and began plugging away on the keys. Now, Insha Allah, I’m going to try shutting this thing down again and resume where I left off LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 26, 2014

    Salam Alaikum all,

    I’m sorry to hear you are in the midst of a hard time Laila. It’s never a nice feeling. I will make duaa for you sister.

    Ana or anyone, what happens if the husband says 3 talaqs at one time, BUT during the 3mths iddah they reconcile?

    Does the wife have to marry another before she resumes being married to her husband as he issed 3 talaqs? Or can they just resume the marriage because it was within the iddah period?

    Ana, have a nice few days with Alex.

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    @Ruqqayah, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Are you out there? I just want to make sure I got it right about the Talaq. I think it was you who corrected me the last time. happy Thank you!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    When it comes to Islam, there isn’t much to say when it comes to divorce. If people did as Allah says, I doubt there would be much divorce. We should marry those people who Allah tells us to marry and refrain from marrying those people who Allah says don’t marry. Furthermore, we shouldn’t marry for lust, which many people do.

    As far as I can recall, there is no specific reasons enumerated for divorce. If the couple have irreconcilable differences, they can divorce. Allah speaks of mediation between the parties with an arbiter, one from each side of the families.

    Allah says that divorce is permitted twice. After the third Talaq is given. There is no more reconciliation. It’s all over. The wife has to marry another and the person has to divorce her or die before she could remarry her former husband.
    Quran: Surah 29, Ayah 229

    Divorced women have to wait 3 monthly periods before the divorce is finalized and the husband could take her back in that time period.

    Maintenance for divorce women is on a “reasonable scale”. Some people confuse the maintenance for widows with that of divorce, but it’s different. For a widow, the maintenance is one year. Quran: Surah 2, ayah 241

    There are rules regarding the dowry of women who the men divorce before the marriage is consummated, as well.

    Allah lets us know that He will provide for those who divorce. It lets us know no one should have to remain in a marriage out of fear of poverty. Allah swt tells us that it’s Satan that threatens us with poverty.

    There is another way that a husband and wife could cope with differences in the marriage. The husband could take an oath of abstention for a period of four months. If within the four months they don’t reconcile, he could move forward with the divorce.
    Quran: Surah 2, Ayah 26

    Laila, I wrote this quickly because Alex and I are getting ready to eat dinner. I didn’t proof it before sending, so I hope I haven’t made many errors. Insha Allah, the ayat are correct. I got them from my notes.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    @Sis Lynnette,

    I pray you’re feeling better and the new medication is working well for you

    Dear Laila,

    I will get back to you on the divorce as soon as I can. I just got back in and am trying to get situated in here. Alex just got home. Insha Allah, willI write in shortly. Insha Allah, you could do what Lynnette suggested. Don’t act hastily. Remember Allah swt tells us to be patient and persevere. You’ve been married to your hubs a long time. You’ve made a lot of strides in the marriage. You’ve come a long ways. Don’t give up on your marriage now.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    March 26, 2014

    As salaamu alaikum, and peace to all of you.

    @Sister Laila,

    Sister, I feel for you. The matter of your cowhide seems to have no resolution other than for you to ignore it. She has conditioned your husband to her manipulation. She seems to have no bounds; trying to “prove” anything about her to husband is probably useless because he knows her.

    Allah (swt) taxes none of us beyond our capacity; considering the relative size of the challenge, your capacity must be tremendous winking.

    Sister, is there a way to analyze this problem that you have not already tried?

    Try making some charts. Chart your feelings as they change throughout the month, and then lay that chart next to the calendar where you mark your menses. Chart your actions in regard to her, and the results they delivered to you. Chart the pros and cons of your marriage, remembering that love is truly not “quantifiable.” Chart your pain days, if you have them. Chart your prayers, ESPECIALLY those you miss. Put it all put where you can see it clearly, in black and white. Then, analyze it for patterns. In the patterns, you can identify the solutions.

    Sister, I learned calmness when:
    1. I learned how to pray;
    2. I learned how to watch and listen for Allah (swt);
    2. I learned how to analyze things, and chart out patterns.

  • Laila

    March 26, 2014

    Ana what does our religion say about getting a divorce?

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    Dear Sis Laila,

    I’m tracking (I’m following you). Remember Allah tests some of us by way of others. He could be testing you by using her. The more you ignore her the better. Allah says ignore ignorance. She wants to annoy you and cause you to be uneasy and upset. Knowing this, do you fall for it or recognize what she’s doing and put her on ignore? Taking action about what she did with your finances was the right thing to do, but all the other nonsense i dont know We have to know which battles to fight and when to let things be. It’s all a learning experience for us. What’s beautiful is when we go through whatever it is we’re confronted with, but come out much wiser and feeling content.

    I think all of us women can be butt holes at times, whether we married 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th. The question is whether we continue to be butt holes indefinitely or we get a hold of ourselves, pull ourselves together with the help of Allah and keep it moving in the right direction. You’re a very smart, intelligent woman, Laila. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Just don’t lose focus of where we want to be (striving for Jannah/Paradise). As long as we don’t lose sight of our goal, we will prevail and be triumphant. Insha Allah, enjoy your day.

    {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 26, 2014

    Dear Ana, no news is surely good news. I too have been doing my super deep thought moments. In your case you felt resistance was a futile action. In my case… it made me realize that the MOMENT hubbs told her about me, my life has been in a mess. Yes, I aware that it is an easy way to blame others for our own mishaps. But it truly is the case. From direct attacks now to snooping around. Ive also come to a conclusion that some women will never change… so do not waste your time on them hoping for them to sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. Shes always created issues either directly or indirectly. Ive always fallen and been the b**** for being direct, straight to the point. Ive realized that in some ways in order to save my sanity and to not stoop at her level is also to ignore her crazy antics. Eventhough its way easier said than done. Its also in some ways a message to her saying,”I don’t give a s***!”. Ive also lowered my expectation rate towards hubbs. In many ways as he is aware of how dumb and insensitive she is, he cannot do nuts about it. He married a m****. She on the other hand will always use anything she an grab onto; kids, conversion, family etc… in short. When a man plans to re-marry, the potential wife should gear herself up for some form of neverending childish backlash. That in itself will prepare one to face the ugly, scarry side of a woman scorned. Anyway, I shall eloborate further on her stupidity, but got to run to work and make money! Something which, is way better than the two of them right now! 😎

    Chat later Ana, and all my beloved pals here… 🍦🍭🎭🍬🌠🍁

  • ana

    March 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Rainbow Good Morning

    Yeap, this could be a good sign. You know the saying: “No news is good news”.

    I’ve found I take myself through changes by resisting change and end up with the same result that I would have gotten had I just succumbed. Yet, I couldn’t have gotten to where I am without the struggle. The lesson I learned is sometimes it is best for me not to resist the inevitable. I need to learn to just go with it. In Deep Thought

    I advise everyone to read the story in the Holy Quran about Prophet Moses (PBUH) and the wise man and contemplate it: Quran: Surah Al Kahf (the Cave) 18, Ayat 65 – 82.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 25, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Graffiti Message Hello

    Top of the day to Everyone!

    Just want to remind everyone to safeguard yourself from losing a comment, you may want to type your comment into a Word document, Notepad or the equivalent and then copy and paste it over into the comment box here.

    Please note that we have been receiving a huge amount of spam daily, approximately 1,000 or more, so I no longer check the spam for legitimate comments. I simply delete them all. If anyone suspect their comments are going into spam, they can contact me by way of the “Contact Us” form on the day that it happens and I will take a look into the spam queue.

    I will try to make a conscious effort to check my email at least once a day. The “Contact Us” form is always available for anyone who needs to contact me about anything that is not appropriate for the blog.

    Enjoy your day, as I intend to do, as well, and till we meet again, PEACE!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 25, 2014

    dk, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You said your wife is a good person, and is doing all she should in her deen (following our religion – Islam), but is having problems with the part of you having another wife. There is nothing unusual about how she is feeling and what she is going through. Offering one’s salats (prayers); fasting; reading the Quran; along with all else that is part of Islam cannot compare to sharing a husband and the emotions and feelings that arise from it.

    I was one who accepted ALL of what is in the Quran and embraced it, but had the most difficult time accepting polygamy. It has all to do with so many things that it would take repeating most of the blog to name them. No female in this society today grew up on the teachings of polygamy. We were not taught that we may marry a man who may have more than one wife. The idea is foreign to us. When a woman hears of it, she easily reject the idea. We are taught to share material possessions, but not another human being other than a father, mother or siblings.

    A woman has to really want to serve and worship Allah, and make her goal Jannah/Paradise in order for her to accept polygamy. If she does it for any other reason, it won’t work. It will be superficial. If she tries to do it, seeking to please her husband, it won’t work. After all these years, I’ve finally accepted polygamy as a part of my life. I don’t accept the type of woman my husband is with, nor that he brought her into our lives. He has a lot to account to Allah for what he has done. Allah knows best the outcome of it all. He has defied Allah by marrying the type of woman that he is with and for marrying for lust, which Allah tells us not to do.

    You have to give your wife a lot of time and be patient with her. You are correct that listening to people who are against what Allah permits (polygamy) is not going to help her in the long run. It may make her feel better for the moment that they are against what she is against, but it won’t help her move forward. She’s going to have to learn to ignore those who are not supportive of helping her to cope with a lifestyle of polygamy and to accept Allah’s decisions.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • dk

    March 25, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum to all

    @jenny

    YOU ASKED WHY

    I could says out of lust but this is not the case.
    Ibelive that it is importent for all muslim brother´s to get more wifes becourse of all the bad things out there are happenning to our sisters.
    and fisrt of all allah swt permits it .
    there are many things in it i dont thinK you just an cut it one for all.
    and this is the way of your profet mohammed pbuh of course this is a hard case to diel whit and not avery one can make it but you make the intention allah allah swt will help inshahallah.
    and dont you think all theis sister ho is not marrige if avery wife says not my hasband the other one.THY ONLY WANT THERE HAQ but not there hasbands haq well i think it is vary much neded in this time
    becourse of all that fitna.
    and if it was a bad thing dont you think allah swt had banded it this is a solution for many things i think.
    i think the wifes ho thel there men that thy will live them dont love them or it thy dont love allah swt and belive in him.
    we shoud love allah swt more then that.
    and if the wifes love there family shoud thy not do sabar and make dua insted.
    i heard some of here family saed to here that she just could liv me .I pepole hu gives thies kaind of advise are not fear to them and ar bad pepole
    well thats what i think .
    now my wife start to call this sister to talk here out of it idont feel this is a good thing but thats here apinian it is giving the rong effekt i think .
    i am thaking it easy at the moment lets si what happens.
    i think when the trail come from allah swt we just fail in it but we have to make a stand inshah allah
    i think about me children alot and me wife alot to
    the thing i dont understand is when she is so good a person you name it in deen and she is doing it all ready but when it come to me having aonther wife she just distroyes avery thing ?
    i coud right mach more but then .
    have you heard what ulmah says about it.
    I hope allah swt gives here the taqwa to understand
    this trail to ameen
    brother and sisters make dua for me ameen
    jazakallah
    pepole ho

  • ana

    March 25, 2014

    @Gail,

    Hey there, Gail happy It’s good to hear your ex-co is becoming less significant to you and you’re moving forward in your life. It would be different if your husband showed some indication that he may one day want her back or had love in his heart for her, but it seems so very far away from being the case. I know it difficult to forget about her entirely, as you have her children with you and they probably have come to see you as their mom. Time shall tell how things pan out for the ex-co. Maybe one day she’ll feel differently, and will want to have more contact with the children.

    Jenny was here recently. Her comments are below. Spirited probably just got back from Pakistan within the last day or two, so, Insha Allah, we will hear from her soon. There is no word from Fatima or Kim. I was just thinking of Kim yesterday, wondering how she is and whether she’ll be back to visit with us. I’m doing really good, making progress and moving forward with the proverbial saying, “whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” How are your in-laws doing?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    March 25, 2014

    Ana and everyone,
    How is everyone doing I have been so busy lately with my inlaws getting back from Pakistan and dealing the business and the kids.It is strange but I have come to terms with my excowife not liking me and that is fine with me now.I have moved on and no longer sit and dwell on her and what she is doing nor do I desire her to come back anymore.I have lost all desire towards her at this point and although I do feel her outcome is not good this is not my burden to carry.I am better.I hope everyone is doing fine.I didn’t see Jenny or spirited on here how r they doing.I am also wondering how kim and Fatima are doing.

  • ana

    March 24, 2014

    @Marie, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It certainly is good news. I love to hear of people who come together as a family with the intent and purpose of serving and worshiping Allah. That’s what I’m talkin about big grin

    Dancing Rose

    Oh Happy Days…

    Michael Jackson dancing

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 24, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello toeveryone,

    Marie, I am extremely glad that you feel the way you do. You and your husband seem to be going about it in the correct way. May Allah guide you and bless you with what is best for your family.

    I am glad that we are able to be a benefit to each other. That’s what it means to be part of the Ummah – we help each other in times of need, we encourage one another as it says in Surah Asr. We are humans before we are husbands and wives; we all make mistakes. The test is realizing we made a mistake and then doing whatever we can to rectify the matter.

  • Aishah2014

    March 24, 2014

    Marie that seems like sensible reasoning and better for other and the kids.and if she becomes your co you are familiar with her and know what to expect.not a whole new learning curve,honestly not the whole ” honeymoon” phase of. two people who were never together before.God works ..at Gods pace.

  • marie

    March 24, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Ok soo the update is hubz and other are in talks with the possibility of marriage if all goes well he told me about it the Saturday morning. I asked why he didn’t tell me when he received the message, he said because he didn’t know weather he was even going to reconsider the marriage, he only said he was going to talk to her. Hubz is dealing with it so well. He said this time he will only consider the marriage if 1, it is going to be good for us all deen wise, 2, if I’m not going on a one way trip to nutsville 3, if she’s willing to listen to him when he’s trying to help and not go sh@t crazy on him for no reason. 4, she doesn’t try to bring the opinions of her salafi sect in to the marriage. So far I like what she has said, which was ” if we all have the same goal (jannah) it will work Insha’allah”. Hubz has said we would all sit down together to discuss days, money ect. It’s quite funny because most of what he said was straight polygamy 411 advice, who new he was actually listening to me for this past year when iv talked about my sisters here and your situations and experience lol.

    Alhamdulilah, I actually fine with it, there’s been no dramatic outburst, crying ect. Insha’allah I’ll continue this way. Hubz said he’s not in any rush to marry her and it would be a few months before and decisions (intention) is made.

    Hubz said the main reason he is reconsidering the marriage is because if she was to marry someone else it would be more if a change for the family as his daughters have already voiced that they would not like to live with a strange man and would come to live with their dad. It would be harder for the kids and her to go through that much change, also he wants to try to get her away from sectioning herself off (her being a salafi) and just be Muslim he doesn’t want his kids to be part of a sect either. He actually said thank you for reminding him last time he was going to marry her that it was based on lust and desire. He now can see that it was lust and is happy he didn’t marry her then. He said he doesn’t mind if they don’t marry as he feels he happy and content with the wife he already has (yes I was smiling when he said that)

    How strange is it that I feel slightly excited about it. It just feels different this time round, seems as though everyone has their head screwed on and is thinking straight. Allahu akhbar

    Much salaams to all

  • Lynnette

    March 24, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and peace to all,

    Here’s the link for Sister Spirited:

    http://www.gilead.com/responsibility/us-patient-access/support%20path%20for%20sovaldi

    Sister, please let your husband know that this member of the “Muslimah Girl Gang” makes du’a for him, and prays that Allah (swt) will grant him healing, as much as patience and perseverance.

    Sister Laila,

    I was almost in tears to learn your Co is back at it. But I am so proud of your decision to shut her down. Your finances are private. She has no right to pry.

    Alhamdulillah, you are not a part of the Typhoon Yolanda situation. May Allah (swt) keep you safe, Sister.

    My attending physician changed a couple of my medications recently. I have been really sleepy, and not terribly quick (mentally) for the last week or so.

    Sister, I beg you….take care of yourself.

    (Hiring the Private Detective makes me want to High-Five you all the way in Malaysia!!)

    ::we’re Muslims:: ::we’re girls:: ::we’re a gang:: winking

    @Sister Maureen,

    Please do every thing that Sister Jenny told you to do. Don’t be lax about the written correspondence, and please, don’t be shy about alleging your abuse. Allah (swt) and you are the protections for your little Elias. Allah (swt) does expect us to be kind and forgiving; but kindness is NOT weakness.

    @Sister Ayesha,

    ::waving:: I pray you and your children are well.

    @Sister Ana,

    I am thankful that you found peace in your situation; truly what Allah (swt) would have revealed cannot be concealed.

    It is kind of sad, really. We know what their marriage is all about. Their shared interests are likely to be somewhat limited. He’s a professional, and she works in fast food service. What kinds of conversations can they have, really? She’s not demonstrating class or grace; how beautiful can her environment really be?

    Whenever I hear people talking about sex like they invented it, I wonder how impoverished their existence must be.

  • ummof4

    March 24, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, it’s interesting how Allah always manifests the truth. You found out the truth of where your husband and his other spent their vacation. Alhamdulillah, you have calmed down. I like the fact that you will not pay for the vacation. If he pays for one vacation, he has to pay for the other one.

    Laila, you’re correct. Life is constantly changing. In marriages changes occur also. I stated months ago that marriage and polygyny do not go well with people who are very selfish. People who want what they want when they want it, how they want it, where they want it. If they don’t get their way they resort to crying, threatening, running away, taking it to court, etc.
    We all have to ask Allah to help rid us of selfishness.

    Also, Laila, I am glad you found out how your husband’s other wife was finding out information about your finances. If her friend at the bank did that, she deserves to lose her job.

    Everyone remember Allahu Akbar!

  • ana

    March 24, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Dear Laila,

    It’s funny; I re-read my posts last night and got to thinking that I was unclear about what the outcome was. So, you are not brain dead at all. It was me and my writing LOL.

    What happened is I regained my focus on Allah and offered salat. I became very calm afterwards and felt I had blown everything way out of proportion. I said to myself this debate could continue indefinitely and will be revisited. It had become clear to me what I should do. I emailed Alex and told him from now on everything with her is to be even, including the vacations. She gets one vacation a year and I get one vacation a year. After, this all will be even; other than what my Marriage License affords me. On the other hand, since he changed the rules on me, I let him know that all I had stated I’d do to help him, I will not do. He is in a financial bind, which is why he can’t afford to give me two vacations and her one, as he did last year. Furthermore, I guess he got a taste of the nasty resort and wants to repeat it. I don’t care that he said the resort he went to wasn’t the nudist colony one. It’s still represent a certain mindset. We know that she and he are heavy into the sex thing, which it appears their relationship is all about.

    I found it out in that my younger sister and I were trying to make arrangements to do a family vacation in May. We couldn’t all get together on the date so May is out. She said it works out well for now, as she would have to go buy clothes, if we were to go. She said she vacation at a place where no one wears clothes. I was in a state of shock. I said I had heard of those places, but didn’t think they exist anymore. She said yes they do and named one. It was the name of the place that Alex and “C” had gone to. I was like surprise what the H%ll. Anyhow, I confronted him and he said he and she went to one, but it wasn’t one like my sister had gone to.

    Anyhow, it’s how it went down. Last year my family and I went on a vacation together (my sister who died last August had gone with us). My family had said we’d do one vacation a year. So, it works out that Alex and I will only take one a year. Last year I did three and it seemed a bit excessive. I had done one in Feb. with my family, one in May with Alex, and one in late August with Alex, his niece and her girlfriend. He and I had gone away twice each year for vacation the entire time we’ve been married. I’m just happy all is resolved and I can put this issue behind me. I feel very good about it all.

    I better run. I have a dermatologist appoint for my allergies. My face was on fire the other day LOL – All red. Please excuse any errors. I wrote this quickly so I hope it makes sense. Insha Allah, I’ll reread it in the doctor’s office.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2014

    Dear Maryam. I think there are days where we all are a bit bitchy and negative. That goes with the territory of polygamy. We are not just married to the man…. but also to the woman as well. So its complicated, difficult and sometimes in my experience… theres no right and wrong answers. We navagate through the mess and hope for the best.

  • Laila

    March 24, 2014

    Hey Ana. Sorry I am a bit brain dead. No coffee! So how is the vacation issue cleared out?

  • Laila

    March 24, 2014

    Dear all… I totally agree with the idea that when a woman waives her right away this is the type of woman that a man should never marry. They “think” they can handle matters but they in actual fact…. can’t. Then the jealousy sets in and they cause disruptions that not only affect their lives but also the lives of others. I really feel a woman must be aware of what she is getting herself into before taking the plunge. To a certain extent I also find women who demand so much after marriage are selfish people.

    In regards to my own issue, I have sent a text message to my co earlier. I hired a private investigator and now know how she gets to know financial information about me. I told her that I will report her friend at the bank and that if she loses her job…. thats due to her own stupidity. In which Ive decided I will go ahead. Some people are hardcore and need to be taught a lesson.

  • maryam

    March 24, 2014

    Thank you Ana.

    I am happy for you that you recently had a realisation re the holidays. The Quran does tell us Allah hears us and we must ask Him and remember Him all the time. After hardship comes relief. Very true.

    I remember reading your struggle to get a routine in place. I realised then that I like routine and consistency and one of the hardest things for me would be having a co-wife keep disrupting the status quo or wanting to move the goalposts.

    I probably need to work on being more flexible along with being more patient!!

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    Dear Sis Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I don’t recall you being negative. i dont know If you were it went over my head. I must have taken it that you were just expressing yourself. We all get in our moods from time to time. You know it. You must remember me trying to chop off heads not so long ago laughing I had to apologize to everyone, especially to KA126 and ummof4. So, don’t beat up on yourself and don’t stay away.

    You’re going to be alright. You’re doing good. You’re turning to Allah. You’re reading the Quran. You’re trying to accept one of the most difficult things in life for a woman in 2014 – Polygamy. None of us got to where we are overnight. It takes time and a lot of work on ourselves.

    I just hit a milestone in my life with polygamy. I had an idea last year that he had taken her on vacation and after getting past the initial surprise, in about 10 minutes, I didn’t care. I was still getting my two go away vacations. I did care when he said I’d only get one this year, as he can’t afford to give me two and he thinks she should have at least one. I argued for some time, as I fought for what I thought I was due.

    Eventually, I pulled myself together and remembered Allah. I turned to Him in prayer about it. I immediately began to remember that whatever happens is Allah’s decision. He has a purpose for all the things He does. He knows what is best for us. Suddenly, me wanting two vacations didn’t matter to me anymore. I became full of joy. It’s the most amazing thing.

    Maryam, just don’t despair. Don’t compare yourself to others on this blog. Some of us have been in this for years. Some are newbies. We all move forward and progress at our own pace. Remember Allah says patiently persevere and be constant. Be consistent in your worship of Him. Don’t give up. You and Ina and all of us here are tough cookies Cookies It’s all good happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 23, 2014

    Salam Alaikum dear Ana and brs srs,

    I haven’t posted for a while. I’ve apologised before for being negative, so when I read and feel agitated I’ve decided better not to post.

    This blog is to HELP people actually living polygamy, and I agree the last thing needed is negativity.

    I respect ALL of you on this blog alot for your patience and strength. I accept polygamy because it is in the Quran, but I can’t get to the stage where most of you are at.

    Ana, I really want to thank you for reminding me my focus should be the Quran. Jazakallah sister. It’s been a very important and timely reminder in my life. You are doing good work here.

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    @Aishah,

    I think someone here had said once they spoke with an Imam who said a man shouldn’t accept that a woman gives up her rights, as she usually eventually ends up wanting to claim them. I could see how it happens.

    It’s amazing that Allah swt revealed to me that she and he went to the “intimacy” place. Allah doesn’t do anything purposeless. There may come a time Allah will remove me from this marriage. I doubt it would have anything to do with polygamy. I believe it will be for him perpetrating a fraud – my main complaint from day one on this blog. He doesn’t really want Islam, never did. He may have only become Muslim to marry me. Allah knows best. I fear for him, as Allah’s punishment is severe.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    March 23, 2014

    Ana that is good you prayed and got your answer and feel good about it.it does highlight how someone can initially. when they marry say they are fine with things and then the emotional attatchment and love for husband that grows normally can make them wish they hadnt agreed to less vacations,time,etc, financial responsibility of the man,etc.this can happen whether first or 2 nd or whatever…

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    @ Sis Lynnette, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you, as always. happy I’m glad you check in with us when you can. Feel free to post the link, if you’d like. I have no problem with it. Some of the readers out there may be in need of the information, as well. It’s informative and not advertisement or promoting someone else blog. I appreciate that you checked with me before posting it. Thank you much, Sis.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Everyone,

    I’d like to share with you a breakthrough I had. Alex had been catching a lot of heat from “C”, as she’s been reading the blog and now wants to go away on vacations. She’s been wanting to go away on vacations for a while now.

    Before he married her, Alex had informed her that he and I go away twice a year on vacation and she said it was no problem because she didn’t like to go away and preferred to do stay at home vacations. Anyhow, previously I mentioned that Alex had been pestering me, saying we should only take one go away vacation and spend the other one at home cleaning.

    I’m nobody’s fool. I knew he wanted to give her one of my vacations, as he couldn’t afford to take us both on go away vacations. I always keep my house clean. There is no need to take any days off to clean it. He used it as an excuse, as it is what she does on her at home vacations. She works a strenuous job, in a 24/7 burger flipping food chain in which she has a lot of duties and work, so she needs to use her dsys off yo clean her house; I’d imagine.

    Nonetheless, he was able to still take me on two vacations and her on one last year. I found out he took her to one of those places people go that is totally geared towards intimacy. My younger sister went to one, which is how I found out that there are some where people are nude. He said the one he went to didn’t have the nude thing going on i dont know

    He can’t afford to do it again though, and was complaining that he needs to be fair and just. He didn’t see my point of view that she agreed to no go away vacations and he could tell her that she won’t get one as it was not in the agreement or he could find monies to take her, but not interfere with mine. Nonetheless, we argued about it, but he wasn’t going for my argument.

    I turned to Allah about it and got the answer. Today, a short while ago, I emailed Alex and let him know from now on he is to do everything evenly fair and square, so he and I won’t have to have dialogue about it. She can’t touch what I get that is afforded to me by way of my marriage license. On the other hand, I let Alex know that I am going to play by the rules of polygamy, as well. I will not pay for any vacations unless I really truly want to go someplace with him or I’d go with my biological family members whom. They and I been making plans to vacation together, anyhow. We’ll probably make it a yearly thing. I let him know that he’s on his own with his pay. He’ll have to make it work for taking care of the two of us, as I won’t be contributing anymore other than to make myself comfortable. I’m grateful to Allah for all the wonderful vacations Alex and I had over the last almost 12 years of our marriage. Some years we did three vacations. I can’t complain.

    What’s amazing is how good I feel. It’s like a high. It is liberating. I never thought I’d feel this way, so good about doing something that may benefit her. It took some heated arguing between him and me and me bending my wali/bestess’ ears about it to get to this point, but it was worth it. Somehow, Alex doesn’t seem very significant to me any longer. It’s a beautiful thing happy

    Well, everyone, I wanted to let you know what transpired and let you know of the wonderful outcome. I’m not looking for any accolades, just wanted to share. I’ve decided I will write whatever I want on this blog that Allah gave me to manage. If “C” doesn’t like reading it, she could keep nose out of it.

    Alex only concerns himself about Islam when there is a benefit for him in it. Allah will deal with him, as He will deal with all of us.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lynnette

    March 23, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and peace to all,

    I have a lot of reading to catch up. But, I have a question specifically for Sister Spirited (and for Sister Jenny, now that I think of it.)

    Did I remember correctly that your husband has Hep C?

    I was reading about a very controversial (due to cost) drug that cures up to 95% of patients who use it. The controversy is about it’s cost; the regimen is almost $84,000 to use in the United States.

    That same drug, Sovaldi, is available for as little as $2,000 in India. It is also available free-of-cost through a Patient Assistance Program here in the United States for those without insurance, with household incomes up to $100,000.00 per year.

    Sisters, out of respect for Sister Ana’s work, I have not posted the Patient Assistance Program link. But I do have it, and I will forward it to you by way of Sister Ana if you wish to have it.

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    Don’t allow yourself to stay down. Everything is going to be okay. Just because she’s taking him and herself through an earthly Hell, you don’t have to be in it with them. You are stronger and better than it. You can’t help if he allows her to Lord over him. He’s speaking foolishly in saying that he should have gotten her permission before marrying you and thing would be better. Things could not be any other than what they are. People take themselves through Hell when they don’t know the truth. Where is Allah in all people talk about? They speak as though He has no say in matters. You know differently, Laila. You know better than it. Pull yourself up out of the funk and keep moving forward. You’re doing really good. You’ve come a long ways and you’re going to keep getting, better, and better and better with the help and permission of Allah. Allah says the one who is the best is the one who is most righteous. You be the one who is most righteous.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 23, 2014

    Dear Ana. Ive been wanting to remind myself to wish you congratulations on Alexs promotion. Im a bit too late but then again… congratulations! Im sure hes over the moon with the promotion and hes also worked hard. I cannot comment much as believe it or not my co created problems again. I am a bit down this time as I really feel so alone. Its as though I am in a room that has no windows and a door. I feel suffocated. I know that I will eventually pick myself up. But at the current moment, I am sad and full of dissapointment. Hubbs out of anger told me this line today, “maybe I am paying the price of not asking her before marrying you”. Well as my aunt said in our telephone conversation, life goes on. Hopefully I will be out of this emotional state. After all the mind is what we perceive it to be. Nite

  • ana

    March 23, 2014

    Dear Jenny,

    It’s so good you stopped in. I think of you often. I know you are extremely busy and I know there’s not much to report since things are going smoothly now with the family in Pakistan and you. I’m somewhat the same way in my life. Things are pretty much status quo. There’s not much to report when the wives deal only with their husband and his wives don’t communicate with each other. It seems I would only have something to report when and if Alex’s other gets her @$$ on her shoulder again and contact me again. I doubt it will happen again since Alex penalized her last time and took some of her days from her. I think she learned a valuable lesson. Jenny, Alex and I plan to see the movie, “Noah”, as well. Based on the previews, it seems the movie will be way good.

    It was nice and sweet of your husband to buy the monkey for you. I don’t need to tell you to enjoy the “Red Door” spa. It goes without saying that it will be a delightful experience. I haven’t had an opportunity to get there yet. I have to put it on my “to do” list. I don’t have an actual list LOL, but I’ll keep it in my head laughing

    It was nice of you to help out Maureen. In the State in which I live, some women do as you said and go to the court to leave notification that the child will be out of the country for such and such a time with her, so the father does pull some okie doke and say she fled the country with the child.

    I am so glad Maureen did not sign those papers to turn the child over to him. Although I don’t have any children, I know without a doubt I’d fight tooth and nail and do whatever needed to be done before he’d take my child from me. I don’t care what anyone says about it is his right in Islam. It’s not his right in Islam. What it is (your line Jenny) – some “repressive female bu!!s!t”.

    @Sis Maureen,

    I’m glad you stopped in. It’s been a long time, no hear from. I know you’ve been busy dealing with the drama in your life. I’ve made duah for you and little Elias, and Insha Allah, will continue to do so. Try as best you can to enjoy yourself in Morocco.

    Maureen, this morning at Fajr time I read in the Quran about Prophet Elias (PBUH). It’s amazing because you had just come to the blog and spoke of your little Elias. Allah mentioned several of his Prophets in the Ayat – Surah 6, Ayat 83-90; Elias (PBUH) was one of them. Allah gave them all Prophethood, the Book and Allah tells us to copy the guidance they received. Alhumdulliah!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    March 23, 2014

    @ DK,

    I know it is your right and all, but just one question: Why is it so important to you to marry again. Just wondering…..

    @ Maureen,

    I am glad to hear you and little Elias are doing well! You got your bum in a ringer….

    Here’s how I would handle it:

    1. ALWAYS document everything. Email or certified letters. Leave nothing to verbal agreements. He may have said it was okay to be gone for three weeks, but what if he turns around and files something while you are gone and says you never told him??? Happens all the time.

    I would go to the court and advise them that you will be taking your son away for five weeks because ______ (fill in the blank). When you notify the court, the monster cannot argue with that.

    2. For the future, ALWAYS keep a notebook of when his 50% of the custody is and does or does not show up and how long he exerts his 50%. Generally, these men show up to be daddy and want their time when there is a woman in his life, or a new woman.

    3. This is VERY important. DOCUMENT when he gives you money. If you do not receive money, send him certified letters (keep the receipt) asking for simple things, need of diaper money, doctor bill and the like. THEN take his a$$ to court. Depending where you are located and the laws in your country (luckily, most agree on this point), not supporting your child is paramount to child abuse. No money = no food, clothing or shelter.

    I’m sitting here scratching my head why you don’t have a child support order??? You need to go back to court and tell the judge that your child has been abandoned. The proud papa doesn’t visit and doesn’t give $$$$. Don’t worry, you will NOT lose custody.

    I’m also wondering why you did not raise the abuse when you had your custody hearing???

    That is my best advice for now. If you notify the court about your travel plans and the ex runs off with the passport, it won’t fair well with him with the court.

    Good luck and let me know what happens.

  • dk

    March 23, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    DEar brother /sister
    how are you all we are all fine alhamdulillah apart
    from the issue.
    well yester day my sons want to thalk to me and discuse the issue whit me that it is ok to marry for you but thye think that it is hurting to much there mother we had a long talk and thy dont think i shoud do it any more for corseof the family.
    then i thold them ok then what if this issue come op iagain another time then we are back again.
    thyre sayes that thy are going to saport there mothere and my wife sayes that she will live me.
    but now she says that it is ok for me to have another wife or wifes but she wont be there for me ány more.
    i fell like i am stuck at the moment.
    i make dua all the time so do my wife alhamdulillah
    that what is best for my family.
    i am just confused about do she want to live me or not.
    we have a god felligs for eich othere and there is noproblems at all whit here or me alhamdulillah
    its just waydont she understand it in sted of some time she sayes she try and then no no i csn not
    she is from my family to have nowen eich other from we were small kids.
    she naver worked in here life .
    or anything else .
    but she is a good wife /mother /and as a person alhamdulillah but this is the only ishsue we have.
    but let see plz make dua for me.

    wassalaam

  • Maureen

    March 23, 2014

    Just popping up to say Hi ‘ ask for your prayers ‘n Duaas, for my son ‘n me.
    And I need our dear Jenny here.
    I am fuming since yesterday ‘n a total mess, please bare with me.
    I must apologize for popping up like that, I haven’t been on the blog since mid-December ‘n didn’t sign up in any new thread since then. Meaning, I do not know what’s new ‘n what has been happening in our ladies’ lives since then.
    I do hope though that all is well with all of you.

    Well, my question to Jenny is:
    I am planing to fly to morocco for 5 weeks. My Ex husband ‘n do have 50/50 custody.
    After giving me his approval last Tuesday (18.03.) to make my son Elias a passport an hour before he pronounced the Talaq.
    Yesterday when I went to pack the rest of my stuff he told me I am allowed to stay in Morocco only 3 weeks, because it is not healthy for Elias to stay away for such a long time away from him.
    The very same Father who only came to take my son only twice to his place since my son ‘n I have left the marital house on Jan the 6th.
    One time mid-January ‘n the second one on the 19.03. (Last wed)

    All these months he only has time for him 5 minutes every now ‘n then ‘n when he has nothing better left to do.
    At times he didn’t see Elias for weeks at a time.
    My Ex is ‘n was never implied in any doctor’s appointment since Jan the 6th even if I inform(ed) him about every single appointment weeks before the date.
    My Ex does not pay a dime ‘n is in no way implied financially in my son’s life.
    My Ex was not present the day my son’s circumcision. He was in Dublin doing is alcoholic **** ‘n it was on me to take care of it all.
    My Ex sees his son only when the mood strikes ‘n he has nothing better left to do.

    The separation was very nasty ‘n still is ‘n he (my ex) is doing everything he can to control me ‘n my life ‘n he is doing this through Elias.

    He is always threatening with court ‘n the youth welfare service to make my life a living hell.

    I am all geared up to deal with it if I have to I just wish dealing with him could be far away from the court ‘n the youth welfare service for my emotional sanity ‘n for my son’s well-being.

    Anyway, the question is what are my chances if I take my son for 5 weeks to Morocco ‘n my Ex starts his vendetta?
    What shall I do ‘n what shall I know to be better prepared for his venom?

    One more thing, My son’s passport will me ready next week, what if he goes ‘n collects it ‘n refuses to give it to me? He can do it in case you’re wondering.

    I guess that’s it for now. Thank you all of you ladies ‘n please keep Elias ‘n me in your daily prayers ‘n Duaas.

    Much love,
    M

  • Jenny

    March 22, 2014

    @ Ana,

    Just checking in to say hello! Been busy as usual. Nothing new on my side other than new business developments. I’m moving the insurance company to its own storefront. Growing like crazy!

    Hubby and I are going to an auction for some more properties. This is the first time he will be going with me. Also a night away from the squids! happy

    I sealed a deal for hubs that went very well in our favor. Last night we went to see Phantom of the Opera, which is my favorite. Hubby loathes opera! Also, he is sending me to the Red Door Spa on Friday. Have the entire day booked, then we are going to the Four Seasons for dinner and a movie. We want to see Noah.

    My husband did something nice. He knows how much I love Phantom of the Opera (and he loathes it), but they had one limited-edition musical monkey box (it plays the song Masquerade)that were signed on the bottom. During intermission, he went to the men’s room and came back and surprised me with the monkey! I loved it so much I wanted to cry! Its on my desk and can’t stop playing the darned thing!

    We are waiting for our travel dates from the doctor, but we will be going away in May too. Not sure if it is the beginning or end. Depends on the hormones. {Sigh}

  • ana

    March 22, 2014

    Lah/Rafat,

    I did not approve your last comment, and will not approve any future comment(s) from you. I see where this is heading and I will not go down that road with you again. You weasle yourself back in slowly, before long it’s going to be an all out battle again and I’m not going for it. I’ve had to deal with the same thing here before with others and I know what the outcome is.

    I don’t think you’re fighting a cause for your sister-in-law, but for yourself. Sometimes people say they plead a cause for another when in actuality it is about themselves.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 22, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    dk,

    It’s important for you to understand what ummof4 said. It doesn’t matter when you marry the other woman; whether you marry her tomorrow, next year or in five years, your first wife will be upset. She will go through changes. There is no way for her to avoid feeling pain and being hurt. The pain and hurt is due to her personal issue. She’s going to have to work through it and only Allah can help her.

    I totally disagree with anyone who says the husband is responsible for what’s going on in the wife’s head. She has to deal with the thoughts that she entertain. Her thoughts lead to actions and reacts to what is happening in her life.

    You, as a husband need to make your intent to live with your wife/wives and intent to be kind, fair and just with them. It is what you and your wives determine is just and fair based on all of yous and your lives.

    If you marry without letting your first wife know before you do it, it won’t solve any problems. It will only create more. She still will one day learn that you married another, and will have to deal with more issues in that you lied to her and was deceptive. It only adds to the heartbreak.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Lah

    March 22, 2014

    dk brother,
    If your kid is 20 year ol than your wife is mayb 40 y ol. I m wanting to know how ol dis other sis is. It’s very hard for a wife of more than 20 years to see her hubby become polygamous. If the other sis is much younger it’s even harder. Don’t lie to calm your wife. Don’t do secret nikkah. Say the truth that you will marry the other but be close to your wife and keep telling that you love her and will always love her same. Tell her that your love for her and family will not change. If you are not intimate to her (just in case) then try spend time on that issue. Don’t get marry the #2 while you are having this kind of issue. Give her all the love you can, think about when both of you were very young. Bring that same passion in your life. Her body may not be same but her heart is same and she will melt. Tell her that you want to marry the other but you want same old loving relationship with #1. Make sure you two have a good sex life going before you go on and marry the other. Just my gentle advice.

  • Judith

    March 22, 2014

    dk,
    first you said: “so I think just make the nikah at the first and then kepp it quiet for a time and then let us si”

    You closed by saying: “what do u sister/brotheers think”

    Does the first statement mean that you plan on marrying your second wife in secret, and that your first wife will not yet know that the ceremony took place?

    If that’s what you plan on doing, why are you asking other people what they think about it? As the agent of these actions, you are the person who is responsible.

  • ummof4

    March 22, 2014

    dk,

    In my opinion it would not matter if you married a second wife today, tomorrow, next year, or in five years, your first wife will be upset. She may cry, threaten divorce, threaten to take the children away from you. threaten your new wife, become physically and mentally ill. I don’t believe there is anything that you can do to avoid her pain, disappointment and unhappiness with you marrying a second wife. You can be patient with her, but you cannot make her not feel pain. She has to turn to Allah for her relief. Much of the pain we women feel when our husbands marry another wife are our own personal issues, they are not the fault of the husband.

    It sounds as if you truly care for and want to marry the second wife. It sounds as if she truly cares for and wants to marry you. If you do decide to marry her, I would advise you not to keep it a secret from your first wife. Let her know before you do it, and she will have to adjust to the new lifestyle, just as everyone else will have to adjust.

    Maybe she will want to read the book I suggested a few days ago. You might want to read it too, to give you a better understanding of how women feel.

    May Allah guide your decision and give you what is best for everyone concerned.

  • dk

    March 22, 2014

    assalaam mu alaikum

    my kids are betvin 10-20 and four of them alhamdulillah.
    well i try to cool my wife whit saying ok that i will try to see to stop this marrige and let os si what happen then.
    but i dont want to stop so i hav been trying for more then a year to get her on this ieda but no sukses hmm but ibelive in alllah swt that he will help inshah allah.
    so i think just make the nikah at the first and kepp it quiet for a time and then let us si.
    the other sister says she dont minded if that so
    becourse she want to read for a almah and she are willy to give op here time for a wileand so .hmm
    so what is best let it be for a wiel just do the nikah then she kan start here studies and will be
    eayse for here famiky to and here so she dont need to think about the marrige all the time.
    what do u sister/brotheers think
    jazakallah
    wassalaam

  • ana

    March 21, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    And the game playing begins sad Sounds like she wants attention, and wants him to come begging. Insha Allah, he won’t fall for it. Either she wants to marry him or not, but she jerking him around is getting old. He needs to, Inshallah, stop falling for it. As long as he feeds into it, she will continue to play him. Try not to let it get to you. You are his wife, with his child, and you are his family. Let her take him and herself through changes, but you don’t go down that road with them. He needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    March 21, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    Oh dear, I had to let this out, as always here is the best place.

    So I always make little jokes to hubz about him wanting more wives, usually he plays along BUT yesterday and today his face looks very serious every time I mention polygamy. Soo as I do with my nosey self, I look in his phone and low and behold “other” sent him a text saying “if you know any trustworthy bothers who want to get married let me know” hubz text yeah I know a few why? Who wants to get married, she said MYSELF (yes in capital letters) blah blah few texts later about trust and feeling no fear of betrayal he said he’ll talk to her over the weekend.

    So there she is begging husband again, I mean why text someone who you know wants/wanted to marry you something like that if you don’t want to marry them. This woman is unbelievable. Well let’s see where this one goes. Probably round in a big circle again where she says no because she can’t control everything and everything isn’t happening on her say so.

    I’ll check back in soon and let you know…. I still have some microwaveable popcorn lol can’t wait for this

  • Mari2

    March 21, 2014

    dk,
    Though I am a second wife, I have known for almost a year now that my husband will/is obligated to take a 3rd wife who is his younger cousin. He hasn’t even married her, yet I have been through the same emotional roller coaster as your wife. I have not contacted his cousin, but when in M’s country I suddenly found myself at her parents’ home and I had to meet her and make small talk. It was awkward, and there was much jealousy in my heart, yet I cannot say anything bad about the young girl as she seems like a nice person. But still it was very hard. As I tried to avoid her, other family members kept trying to push us together, force us to talk, take pictures of us together etc. It was a very hard time for me but I remained calm. But when the visit was over, I was even calmer and even laughed about a few things. And through prayer, I am calmer still. Also, it helps that she is no longer an “unknown” to me. Now when he and I speak of his impending marriage, I can do so in a more rational manner…though I do have issues about mahr, ridiculous sums of money required by her parents, etc.

    HOWEVER….I did tell M. that in NO way would I agree to live with her once they married. I love M dearly, but he suffers from a delusion of “happily ever after” where he, his wives and mom live forever in a joint family situation with no problem. I’m sorry, but that living situation is not for me. Now that M will divorce #1, he can bring #3 to USA legally as my marriage to him is religious only. I am okay with that honestly. But he will have to find other accommodations for the two of them. My house is not the place. And I say “my house” because I pay for it, not him. I told M he, and he alone will be responsible for providing living quarters, education, entertainment, food, etc to #3 once she comes. And she (#3) can also take on the care and feeding of MIL (her aunt who arranged the whole marriage)too. I don’t think I am being un-Islamic in my requirements. Yet M has this idea in his head that I will help MIL and #3, teach #3 how to drive, take MIL and #3 where they need to go, etc. etc. And the whole time he’s talking, I’m thinking….”No.”

  • ummof4

    March 21, 2014

    Wa alaikumus salaam Aumer, One thing to remember is the level of faith that the wives of Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) had. They understood that they had to answer to Allah for all of their deeds. So even though there were times when they were jealous of each other and it showed, it was dealt with in the proper manner.

    I do believe that if a Muslim husband is sincerely striving to be a true believer and he marries wives that are also sincerely striving to be true believers, polygyny will not be the greatest trial for that family. Everyone will be so worried about getting to the Jannah that they won’t have time to worry about other issues.

    I do believe that ideally it is best for the husband to have all of his wives and children close to him so he can give them their rights and they can give him his rights. However, they may or may not be one big happy family. The first co-wife I had was a person who was an acquaintance of mine and my husband. When they married we were not close friends and we never became close friends during their 14 year marriage. Our interests were just not the same. We were not enemies, however, and neither of us committed acts to harm the other or to try to make our husband favor one wife over the other. We are still acquaintances today, in fact, I saw her at Jum’uah today.

    If the wives become close friends it should happen naturally, not be forced upon them by their husband.

    There may be reasons that a husband has wives in different cities, states and countries. I won’t attempt to list the reasons. But being a far distance away doesn’t mean that the wives should not know about each other, nor does it mean that they should not communicate with each other if they want.

    My present co-wife does not live near me and my husband spends more time with me than with her. She is a grown woman who agreed to a marriage knowing that the time spent would not be equal. However, we do communicate with each other regularly and consider each other friends. Sometimes the three of us talk as a group. Would I feel the same if she was close by? Probably yes, because I have lived close to a co-wife before without any big issues.

    Everyone have a nice day and night and take care of your acts of ebaadah (obedience to Allah).

  • Aumer

    March 21, 2014

    Assalamu alaykum ummof4,

    From a family perspective, is it advisable to have the wives living further away from one another? Wouldn’t it be better to have the kids grow closer to one another, instead of apart? Wouldn’t it be easier if both wives run into one another more frequently than have them isolated and always guessing what the other one is doing or like?

    I’ve been reading through the book you advised “from monogamy to polygyny” and read through the example of prophet Muhammad PBUH. It struck me to know how he PBUH had his wives all meet in one household every night. I found the hadith in Sahih Muslim #3450 narrated by Anas (Allah be pleased with him:

    “Allah’s Apostle (may peace be upon him) had nine wives. So when he divided (his stay) with them, the turn of the first wife did not come but on the ninth (day). They (all the wives) used to gather every night in the house of one where he had to come (and stay that night)”

    If interactions are happening frequently, then this would melt away all the ice I suppose. Not that it would make all co-wives best friends (the clear example in the wives (Allah be pleased with them) of the prophet (PBUH), especially Aisha, Hafsa, & Zainab. But maybe the closeness would get them used to one another and adapt to getting along better?

    Maybe the sisters can weight in more on this issue?

    The book can be found free to read on Google books:
    http://books.google.com/books?id=hsyPx2LZsQQC&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false

    Was-salam,
    Adam

  • ummof4

    March 21, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    DK, your wife is going through the emotions that many women go through when they find out that their husband is planning to marry another wife. I never did it, but I know that some wives did what your wife did, they tried to talk the other sisters out of marrying their husbands. I don’t believe that is a nice thing to do, but I understand how someone would want to do it. Your wife will probably accept polygyny after a while, or at least she will calm down. I think that it is good that you told your children and that they agreed to help their mother through her rough times.

    If you do go ahead with the marriage, try to make the time spent with each wife as even as possible. If you will all be living in the same area, I suggest 3days at one home, 3 days at another home, and one day that will be at each home every other week. Back and forth each day is too confusing for everyone. My children were are reared in a polygynous family, and the 3 days worked well for us. My husband’s two homes were about 25 minutes away from each other.

    Aishah, you are correct, everyone does not seem to have their marriage enriched in a physical way when the husband marries another wife. But I strongly believe that any woman whose husband marries another wife, and she does not fight against it, grows immensely in her faith and Islamic behavior. She begins to depend on Allah more and less on her husband — that is more enriching than any babysitter, shopping buddy or tutor.

    Jum’uah mubarak to everyone. Tell and show your loved ones you love them today, none of us may be here tomorrow.

  • Aishah2014

    March 21, 2014

    Salaams…dk well at least you have told her your intention,and your children too.thats a step in right direction.how old are kids? I wasnt told it was a secret nikah if it was a nikah, secret wife if she is a wife, and i found out myself, which gave me some occurence to go ballastic.so keep praying with her,praying ,making du a, and be calm and patient.if you are ” waiting for her to come around” it wont happen at this point, if you are waiting for her to befriend the other woman, wont happen at this point.so keep praying for guidance, if this is the person who will be your second wife.you do need to clearly have a schedule with the wives, and be able to provide for both without taking from your first family.also make sure you allow enough time for your kids.i do think a man should just say “because i want another wife and Allah permits it” instead of advertising it as something to benefit your wife and children.i didnt get a nanny, driver, helper,sister in islam, financial helper,sister whos got your back, and may take care of me in my older years ( although these ideas were put out there) but my husband got another.so dont need to try that angle.

  • dk

    March 21, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum
    Dear sister /brithers

    how are you all nice that some of you are having good time whit your familys alhamdulillah.
    But aim having a toff time at the moment.
    my wife get opset again and this she went to here brothers house and was there all the day and did not thok my phone at all but i new she was there becourse family thold me so .
    at the evning we went over and bring here back alhamdulillah and lots of discussions leaterthat night that she saidi dont love here anymore and the family either how this sister is so importent for me.
    that she was the menand this was giving so maye problems in the family then she woud have said no to this sister.
    this sort of discussion and then we to rakat and make dua and tasbi and she said it is vary hard for her to acsept but she seek help from allah and try.
    And i thold herthat i made the dua that maybe i could be
    a better understanding hasband for here .did you sister do the same thing or what.
    then nest day she said nooo i can handle it and some time she says that why not a sister hu is more mustahib .
    then last night i went for my ishah salah and she could me like 6 time in the masjid when i came home she was upset again and want to asked me that IF I AM GOING TO MARRY HERE this week on her back
    and i told her if i haden dan it it yet so wai do you worry then i will thel you first ok.
    this morning she sms the other sister and thold here politiely that it is only making problem in the family. i told her not to but she did still
    and asked to forgivehere she is doing for saving her home.
    OHH it is many things she saiys but alhamdulilah
    plz just giv me some advice what to says to here to comfered her what did you sister did the same thing or what .
    you see i am having many issuse at the moment but i will mannige inshahallah .
    i can do the nikah and then thel here to maybe.
    one thing how was it in the start before yours hubbs get one more wife how was your behaviour to him and your childrens.
    after asked allah swt then i whent to my children and toled them averig thing and asked them to help there mother and me in this situation and thye ok we try to help you at the home whit moms ishshu.
    alhamdulillah
    before she leve the children now she says she will tahake care of them you go an hed dont think about may fillings.hmmm
    plz thel me about yous behavoir and any good ideas from that time.
    wassalaam

  • Laila

    March 20, 2014

    I used to get so pissed about her getting more. But nowdays…. it does not bother me anymore Ana. I believe Allah s.w.t. gives, and He can take. And I do not want to demand like her because due to her demands hubbs feels that he is a cash machine to her. Ive seen how his face changes when he sees her name on his handphone when it rings. I am able bodied, I am healthy, Insyaallah, I will attain my personal goals. 😚 I just want my relationship with hubbs to be like the good old days, where we did not have much but we were happy. We always laughed, had fun, and always showed sincere affection towards one another. That is my ultimate need for the two of us. We have all been through a lot. My co too. And we need to relax, loosen up a bit and enjoy the life Allah s.w.t. is giving us.

    Dear Ummof4, Ive got a two more other books to complete and I am off to reading the Quran…. 😎 its the basic alphabet book in Arabic and now I would like to read the Quran in Arabic. My understanding in Islam is getting better as my Ustaz is a very informative qnd patient teacher. Day by day I feel my ignorance is melting away and I am looking at my situation in a very different light. I feel so positive and so clear in my mind. So all is good Ummof4. 💞💝💜

    On another note, guys, hubbs has agreed on us adopting….. he told me this morning before going off to work. So lets see ya. 😚😎

  • Laila

    March 20, 2014

    Good morning Ana, and all the beautiful ladies on board. I think sometimes when I comment about my co I might come off as being a bit jealous or spiteful. But in actual fact, Im not. Seriously. But sometimes Ana, when she creates issues with hubbs, and then she uses me as like the reason why she went on to do her silly, stupid stunts. Like of recent, she carried stories of him to his older sister in regards to him drinking wine. My SIL is a very narrow minded woman. Over here, Muslims can be sometimes too over the top with their im holier than thou attitude and that is why sometimes hubbs mixes a lot with the non-Muslims. Its his reputation too at stake. In his culture, older sisters [ after the death of parents ] is the most important person in the family… so this time he bitched all the way about what she did to me. In which, Ive said here, I did not comment. When he asked her why she did the stupid stunt, she just blamed it on my saying that I do nuts to curb his ways.

    As you all are aware, Im home only at about 10.30pm. My classes at my centre is at night as these kids attend school in the morning. Hubbs understands that and he has not complained. I go all out when hes around. I cook dinner way in advance and make sue his night clothes and slippers are prepared before I scoot off to work. I may sound like I am pampering the man, but I do it all out of my love for him. He works hard and I appreciate it. Breakfast is also another part where I am up and I make it for him before he leaves to work. So when I am home late, he sometimes tell me that he will be back at the same time as me. So he uses that time to meet up with his business associates and discuss work. But he doesn’t do this all the time. He likes it that I don’t ask too many questions about him coming home at the same time as me. He gets off work at 5.30 pm. Sometimes after work he goes to the gym. Or sometimes he comes home early and actually spend time with our cat whos very very loving towards him. So, shes not happy. She told my SIL that I am very easy going. With her, hes got to be home on time, and sometimes he blows his head off because theres no dinner prepared and he has to buy take outs. In our culture, Malay + Punjabi, we love eating home cooked food. We know its halal, clean and at the same time, weekdays is a no no for eating out. He likes it if she cooks as their daughter is still with them, shes not gone to college as yet. But she doesn’t. Breakfast is also prepared by the maid. Hes always told me that if we have a maid, the maid is to clean and that’s it. Cooking is to be done by me as he wants to eat my cooking, not the maids.

    I know, we sound looney to some on this blog but that is what we believe in and that is how we run our lives. I just do not get it. I don’t dictate his behaviour at her home turf but shes always snooping at mine. So I really feel that shes too busy snooping to really enjoy her marriage. Which is a shame. Not he has stopped talking to her. Unless needed. And personally, I do not want to get involved.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    Oh, I forgot to mention, at the promotion celebration, Alex’s ex-wife and I were siting and talking. One of Alex’s colleague came over to speak with me and I introduced him to Alex’s ex-wife. She and I both have Alex’s last name. The person seemed a bit surprised and said, “Oh, so there are two “(his last name)” thinking It was sooooo funny. I felt like she and I were co-wives laughing

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    It is a bit quiet here on the blog. We go through these quiet spells every now and again. There’s not much happening on my end.

    Alex and I are planning to go away on vacation for our upcoming 12th wedding anniversary in May, which I’m looking forward to. Insha Allah, it will be romantic and cozy as it always has been, but better, if better comes any better Super smile Insha Allah, We’ll probably not be away exactly on the day, maybe a week or so before.

    Other good news is Alex got promoted to a really good position on his job. There was a lot of hoopla surrounding it. It actually happened the beginning of March. They had a big celebration for him. His colleagues, my family and his family attended. His ex-wife was there as well. It’s how she and I came to see and spend some time with each other. I had mentioned it in previous post. Alex gave a very lovely speech, which include him saying very nice things about me. He got a little choked up there (he got emotional). He said I’ve been the best wife that anyone could have (blush). He spoke of how much he loves me and appreciate all of my family. It was super nice. I was up there on the platform with him, and was presented with the most beautiful flowers. I felt like he was President Obama and I was the First Lady. In fact, after the affair, one night, I dreamed he was the president and I was the First Lady.

    The next day we went away overnight. It was my time. We attended a retirement dinner for one of his colleagues. It was super nice as well, quite formal. A young lady came up to me and said how “stunning” I looked. I have to admit, I was hooked up quite nicely hee heeIt was nice going on an over-nighter again.

    There is another affair coming up in April, involving Alex, in which he will give another speech. All the same people that I mentioned above will be there along with me, Insha Allah. I’ll be presented with flowers at that one, as well. There has been a number of these over the years that he and I have been married. Other than it, nothing much is happening. It’s enough. Those are some very memorable things that causes me to remain in this marriage. The perks don’t hurt laughing

    Oh, well, Insha Allah, I’ll get off of here, and will go into the boudoir and retire with Alex, watch a movie and I guess celebrate his birthday, which is tomorrow. He’s off tomorrow and is with me till Saturday late afternoon. He has some matters to take care of in the morning regarding the house his mom left him when she passed. Then, Insha Allah, we’ll go to the movies and do whatever comes naturally.

    Till we meet again.

    Happy Spring, to those who are in the States
    Happy Spring

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 20, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana and the rest of the sisters. Thank you for your kind comments. You all have become my little sisters(for the ones who remember the 1960s) and nieces, and I feel like an auntie to you all.

    Laila, you are growing up fast. May Allah continue to bless you with more knowledge and wisdom. It is good that you attend religious classes. I believe it is best to attend classes in person, but nowdays we can also attend classes online. I have a sister who teaches me Arabic on Skype.

    May Allah continue to protect us, provide for us, and forgive us our minor sins and keep us away from the major sins.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Okay, I finally checked my email. Sis Spirited wrote a couple days ago. She is definitely in Pakistan. She’ll be there a few more days. It may mean one more day now. She’s doing good and is doing a lot of shopping. She said for me to give the “gang” laughing her love. She’ll catch up with what’s happening with us all, Insha Allah, when she returns. I pray Allah keeps her safe in her travels.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Sis ummof4,

    I reread your article/post/thread. It is really, really good. I like your writings a lot. I made note of a couple other comments of yours to, Insha Allah, make into article/posts in the near future. Brother Aumer had previously suggested that I have other contributors write. It’s a nice start. I was trying to determine how I could implement it without it causing additional work for me.

    Dear Sis Laila,

    I haven’t forgotten about the suggestions you made for a posts/threads. I intend to write them.

    I was thinking of the differences between you and your co that you mentioned. Try not to concern yourself much about it. I know you were just sharing and it’s all good. You’ve sacrificed a lot in your marriage. I pray Allah is well pleased with you. Remember our rewards come from Allah.

    Be mindful your co is quite a bit older than you and has accumulated more over time. You’re still way young, and there is still time (Insha Allah) for you to have similar or more. Just ask Allah swt to give you what you want, if it is good for you. Sometimes we ask for things we think are good for us, but they aren’t.

    @Everyone,

    Insha Allah, everyone is having a marvelous day. I’m feeling very chipper today. It’s simply beautiful just to be alive. Happy Day

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    @ Ruqayyah,

    Yeah, take a chill pill and relax. You’re getting yourself all bent out of shape about something that may never happen. It’s all about fear – imagining something that may take place in the future, but at the moment it is not real. Satan is messing with you. Tell him to take a hike. Let this be a start of a new beginning for you, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 20, 2014

    @Laila,

    It’s all good! You are a sweetheart. Thanks for sharing. I’ve come to realize we all have obstacles and setbacks in our marriages, but they make us stronger. I can really get angry at Alex at times, but then I come to realize I totally over reacted. Once I come to my senses and pull myself together, I can’t understand why I went so crazy to begin with Lol.

    Well, InshaAllah, I will try to get some sleep. Talk with you later, Inshallah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 20, 2014

    Ana, on another note after discussing with my religious teacher earlier. I think it would be best if everyone knows the meaning of certain terms in Islam before using it freely. Because it confuses people and at the same time, the connotations of it varies in different parts of the world. So it would be good if we are a bit careful and use certain terms if we are sure and know what it conveys. Tq Ana and everyone on board.

  • Laila

    March 20, 2014

    Dear all, I just finished my religious classes and feeeeel good! 😎 we have discussed on the responsibilities of a man when he decides to have a new wife. Look here, life in itself does not contain a warranty card whee if s*** hits the fan we can go and see the customer service personnel. You all know the kind of stuff I put up with in my marriage. It was TOUGH! Ruqayyah, I understand where you are coming from, but mind you… your husband has not got himself a new wife. So why stess your mind out? We can all talk and debate about theories till the cows fly but you will only know what is right and wrong when you are in it, experiencing it, going through it… and deciding what the h*** can be done to save your sanity and your marriage. I for one never planned to be a Muslim or even a second wife. I was arranged to be married to a Punjabi guy who was a professional. In the past I sued to regret my actions, now, not anymore. Polygamy has made me aware of who I am, what I can achieve and endure, and really make me see that my life is not just about my man. You right now are very very attached to your husband. Why do I say that? Because the whole idea of him meeting another sister behind your back made you uncomfortable. It made you not trust him, made you re-think matters… its driven you mad. My husband did that stunt too in the past, Ive mentioned it here. But nowdays, I just let it be, if he decides to re-marry…. WHO AM I TO PUT A STOP TO IT? I will always love him, maybe I will be a bit upset but in time, I will be myself again and I will love him and carry on. Women always think that their husbands are for themselves only. His love, affection and attention snould be for one woman only. I know for a fact men have the ability to love more than one woman at any given time.

    Everyone here is blabbing away about responsibilities. Yup good point. But seriously, you can be in a monogamous relationship and yet, if the man is lazy, you are still in deep s***. I think monogamous, polygamous…. men must step up their game. The must be the main person earning and be the leader of their homes. They should make their wives feel proud of them and their abilities. Today, sadly many men are lazy. They all talk about their right and needs and them being
    men, but they do not show anything for it. Thats why women get upset when these same guys decide to re-marry.

    On another note. Healthy marriages can be built in either polygamous or monogamous. If you have decided to work on your relationship, being a stronger foundation, you can do it…. trust me you can! Do not stop yourself because you are polygamous. Its all the tricks of your mind playing on you. In the past my co always complained to hubbs and said, that hubbs takes me out dinners but not her. That is her mistake. She focused too much on me and my activities with him that she forgot all about herself! There are many things we can achieve in life if we only stop, clear our mind out of unwanted clutter and learn to prioritize.

    If my hubbs decide to re-marry I would not object. I would make sure that we have a new schedule, and finance properly arranged. Life goes on. Don’t stress ourselves, our minds with unwanted and silly issues. Ruqayyah, your husband has not even selected anyone as yet. Yet you sometimes come across as though he has. Sorry Ruqayyah, but this is my opinion on the matter at hand.

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    Sis Aishah,

    Last night I watched the movie, “Romeo and Juliette” that’s out in “Redbox”. The movie wasn’t all that good, but I got through it. I don’t think I ever knew the complete story, so it was good to learn it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Brother Aumer,

    You may be correct that Ruqayyah and I, in our discussion, may not be on the same page or we may not be reading from the same sheet of music.
    If Ruqayyah is saying men are self centered, focused on their own needs only, don’t provide for their first wives properly, but still remarry and causes a heap load of problems for all involved, she is correct. I don’t think anyone would refute the point. What does it mean though? It exist and will continue to exist.

    I believe polygamy is for Believers, but there are those who aren’t believers, which includes Muslims, who engage in polygamy. Consequently, some engage in “secret marriages”; marriages that are a spin off from an adulterous relationship; marriages in which the husbands can’t afford their wives financially; marriages in which the husband doesn’t spend a fair amount of time with one or more of the wives; and I’m sure I missed mentioning some. All of it exists, so what happens after acknowledging its existence happy

    I believe Allah is in control of all things. With it said, I believe He put us in the situations that He wants us to be in. He gives us our mates, our situations, and our circumstances. If a person is an UNBELIEVER, Muslim included, Allah will place him in a position to NOT do good. He’ll commit adultery and marry the women; marry a person Allah says don’t marry; he’ll keep the marriage secret or whatever. (It doesn’t mean he will always be an unbeliever for the rest of his life. Allah is a Forgiving, Merciful God to those who repent, seek forgiveness and make amends.) Nonetheless, the UNBELIEVER can do no good. Their deeds bear no fruit.

    If a person is a believer, Allah will place that person in a position to do good. The reward for the person is good. Some may be in a position that they can’t provide financially for all the family and all the wives, but if the parties are believers, they know that Allah provides. They don’t fear poverty; they only fear Allah. The parties persevere and exhort one another toward patience and constancy. They work together as in a cement structure. They strive together as in a race for righteousness.

    Many times those who are in polygamous marriages never expected they’d be there. Many have said they would never accept a polygamous marriage, but they have. There are men who would like to be in polygamous marriages and they’d be very good candidates, but they never become polygamous. Allah didn’t decree it for them. We still have to be cognizant of the fact that Allah decides who will be polygamous, who won’t and for those who are, what the circumstances and conditions are.

    A wife could talk to her husband till she’s blue in the face and passes out about how the husband is not capable; how he is not responsible enough or well off financially enough; doesn’t have enough time or whatever she envision he ain’t got, and say he shouldn’t have another wife. If Allah has decreed the man will have another wife, his current wife is wasting her breath speaking to her husband about what he ain’t got. (He’s got too many ain’t gots. He ain’t got no J.O.B.; he ain’t got no A.P.T (apartment); he ain’t got no C.A.R – I got the saying from a movie laughing ) She wasting her time talking with him about what he ain’t got, saying it is why he shouldn’t wed another. She’s taking herself through all kinds of changes and most of the time her efforts are useless.

    So, we know some men aren’t responsible enough or capable enough or whatever he doesn’t have that it takes for him to be polygamous, but it doesn’t stop a show. He will do it, whether the wife likes it or not. She’s fighting a losing battle, if Allah has decreed for her husband to be polygamous. We don’t know why Allah does what he does. We don ‘t know everything. We know very little, next to nothing of what Allah knows.

    Allah says exercise patience in all that betides us. He is the one who decides all things. He is the All Knowing;the All Seeing; the All Wise. We just have to go with it. If we are married to a man who wants another wife and we believe he is not suited for it, we could voice our opinion on it and leave the rest to Allah swt. Why beat a dead horse? What will be, will be. Talking about how jacked up some of these men are isn’t going to change anything. It’s how I see it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • aishah2014

    March 19, 2014

    Salaams very good viewpoints by everyone.Ruqayyah there are worst tests.in the beginning maybe even till recently I could not have told you what they were.but the test has made me closer to Allah so I can be grateful for that.. and grateful for in spite of some kid issues mine have they are basically healthy.has it been smooth, no very difficult, still is at times.yes, also got me to think of my husband differently, put into perspective, he is human, not more than that, I can’t police his actions, he will answer to Allah , just as I will.Ruqayyah try not to Freak out it so much if you are not in it at this time. Maybe won’t happen. Maybe will happen. God is best planner.Ummof4 you are so correct about how we are conditioned to think of family , a marriage. But marriage is some hard work, not a fairy tale.unfortunately I have a hard time watching really romantic movies now of the storybook type!

  • Ina

    March 19, 2014

    @ Laila, I organise touring holidays around Europe. Sometimes I feel my hubby doesn’t appreciate how hard I work but I have done it at his expense I guess. I am a little bit of a perfectionist so it’s hard for me to let go of things and not do them properly. Maybe I don’t know how to work smart…spend too much time looking at the little things rather than the whole picture. But it’s me…sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so good.

    I think you are in a great profession. I have a lot of respect and admiration for those who can teach. Don’t stop working…it’s important for kids to have great teachers. I will always remember my first teacher when I first came to UK.

    I am glad things are good for you at the moment…keeping demanding for your rights. You have given up way too much for much too long. I pray in time your co-wife will be more understanding and make dua that you will get the family you long for.

  • Ina

    March 19, 2014

    I understand where Ruqayyah is coming from…I probably would have said similar things about polygamy 3 yrs ago. Sisters who are in polygamous marriages and those who are not are different sides of the fence. Those who are in it have to make the best it, look to allah for help and guidance, pass the test they’ve been given. Those who are not in it, like my MIL/SIL are against it because they can feel the pain and do not understand how a man can put a loved one through this pain. My MIL’s father was polygamous and as a child she had a bad experience of this type of family lifestyle. She was not treated well by her stepmother/step-siblings. Amazingly, her father apologized to her before he died.

    I remember Rafat who said her SIL who does not complain but everyone can see that she is suffering. Suffering in silence…I tried that trick too with hubby. He told me I am only hurting myself..sure it hurts him to see like that but it’s not going to change anything. So I think of Rafat’s SIL and how she is suffering and how it’s affecting her children. Do I want that to happen to my children? No! I can’t act in a certain way, neglect my kids needs and then blame it on my hubby. By that time it will be too late…blame will not change anything.

    Dear Ummof4, I agree with you when you say that most women are not capable of handling polygamy correctly. It’s hard, very hard and it hurts. I remember times when my heart hurt so much, like it’s being squeezed and then twisted and then stabbed over and over again. I don’t know if I can handle it yet…but I have to try for my children’s sake as well as for my own sake.

    Thank you Ana for believing that I will be victorious in this….Inshaallah I will be ok. Thank you to you and all the sisters here for your advice and support.

  • Aumer

    March 19, 2014

    I’m enjoying the conversation actually. However, I think that both Sr Ana and Sr Ruqayyah are discussing two different topics.

    On one hand, Sr Ana is addressing the anti-polygamous point of view of a selfish woman, and is stressing the fact that a Muslim/Muslima should always accept polygamy.

    On the other, Sr Ruqayyah is addressing the type of men that are self centered and always focus on their needs and their needs alone. They do not provide for their wives properly and then go and re-marry and put everyone in trouble. I can sort of relate to that having witnessed it first hand with a relative. I remember telling him clearly “polygamy isn’t for irresponsible men”. And here I am, a few years later, looking into it myself.

    Both views are right, I guess. Only Allah swt knows what’s going on for Sr Ruqayyah, but I hope things work out for you.

    Was-salam,
    Adam

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    @Ruqayyah,

    As long as you continue to look at all the negative things you know of or believe of polygamy, it won’t breed anything but negativity. It’s what you will attract. You can’t be negative and think you suddenly will see the light and things will get better for you. It doesn’t work that way. Evil produces evil and good produces good.

    Take Ina, for instance; her husband is about to marry another. He is preparing for it. Do you think she is in pain and her heart hurts like i dont know She’s experiencing probably what feels like a Hell on earth, if one could imagine it. Yet, she is persevering in it and she is prevailing. She’s hanging in there. She’s a tough cookie. I thought the same as ummf4; Ina sounds so positive. It’s admirable. I am so happy for her. I truly believe she is going to make it through this. Will it be a cake walk? No. Will it be a bed or roses? No. Will it be peaches and cream? No. She apparently is turning her attention to Allah and is seeking His help and guidance. She’s going to have tough times, but Allah has promised her relief, if she obey and follow his instructions. He promises her comfort and ease. I believe she is going to be victorious. Did she come this far by being negative? No.

    You have to determine whether you’re going to embrace Islam and accept polygamy or fight it. If you fight it, it will fight you. I don’t know what the outcome for you will be, if you continue on the path with it that you are going, but you best believe it won’t be good.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ruqayyah,

    ***(Please note: You can read the rest of the post by clicking the following link: http://polygamy411.com/dispelling-old-beliefs-about-polygyny/

    I made ummof4′s post into a thread. To prevent problem with Search Engine Optimization and to avoid a duplicate post, I deleted her post from here.***

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    @Ruqayyah,

    What you seem to overlook and not realize is something we’ve all talked about and discussed numerous times, continuously on this blog for years. Allah tests us and He punishes us. Those who strive to be Believers, want to put Allah first, knows what Allah created us for, and strives for Jannah/Paradise will be tested. Allah talks about tests numerous times in the Quran and gives us examples of the Prophets who were tested and the first generation of Muslims who were tested. Allah says we will not enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us. Allah swt lets us know that we will suffer; we will endure pain; we will have adversity and He lets us know that He will relieve our suffering and pain and give us comfort and ease when we persevere and have patience. For some Allah may test with polygamy. For others, the unbelievers/mis-believers/disbelievers/hypocrites, He may punish with polygamy. He may have some agonize in polygamy indefinitely.

    You sound as though you are jealous and envious that Allah permits men to have more than one wife. You don’t know how your husband will be with another wife. Neither you, the other woman or your husband knows what trials, tribulations and punishment awaits any of you. Your husband has no idea how just or fair he will be in a polygamous marriage unless or until he gets in one. Apparently you don’t have a correct understanding of the ayah that you and everyone else that has a hatred of polygamy refer to inaccurately. Allah tells us throughout the Quran that we are to be just and kind with everyone unless we are at war with them. We are to be just with all of mankind. To be just is next to piety.

    There is no special justice that applies to polygamy. The orphans have a special regard when it comes to justice and kindness. Orphans are special. A man knows before he marries whether he like children or not and whether he wants just the woman and not her children. If he does not want her children he will probably abuse, mistreat and neglect those children. A man does not know how he will be with the wife until they are married, invested time in each other and move forward in their lives together. As he is going about life, the same as with anything else he is to be kind and just in the marriage.

    All your post are about “me, me, me, I, I, I want, want, want, need, want, need, not fair, not just; I don’t have to; I shouldn’t have too. You should hear yourself. I’m surprised your husband hasn’t run up out of there – as Jenny says, run like his shoes are on fire. You don’t listen. You can’t get past the idea of needs and your wants. You can’t get out of your own way.

    Allah permits divorce the same as He permits polygamy. If a woman doesn’t want to be in a marriage for whatever reason, she has an out – Divorce. Allah says He will provide for both parties of a divorce. He does not force a person to remain in a marriage that they don’t want to be in. Of course, He decides when and if a person will leave a marriage or stay in it. He decides all things.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 19, 2014

    Yes you’re right its not all about me, I got married in order to have some of my needs met, as I’m sure everyone does. If he does not/is incapable I have the right to leave should I wish. Just as if he is not having his needs fulfilled he can get another wife and/or leave, finding his fulfillment elsewhere.
    A healthy marriage is where both husband and wife work to create a good stable home where they consider one another, the husband does not believe he is the only one whose needs matter and vice versa. The only one I see here is Ummof4′s. Possibly DK’s and Aumers. I was not telling DK he could never remarry just that he should really think things through and not blame the outcome solely on his wife, he has his part to play too.
    Ummof4 just because I am not ‘pro-polygamous’ does not mean I am anti polygamous. I just don’t agree on this outlook that men have the right to do as they please and we women must stand by them even when we are getting walked all over. When they are soo focused on their rights they don’t give two hoots about their responsibilities. A man can have 4 wives and still be a good husband, another man can have 1 wife and be so self centered that his marriage is falling apart.
    Allah says if you fear injustice then marry only one, is it justice that a man should marry even once and not be able to do anything for his wife? Is it justice that a woman should marry and have nothing to offer her husband? Islam teaches we should worry more about our responsibilities than our rights..

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone,

    When I said that my husband communicates with his wives every day or every other day, that is true with some exceptions. When the two of us go on vacation for a few days, he does not communicate with his other wife and she only communicates with him in case of an emergency. The same is true when they have a few special days several times a year; he does not communicate with me and I only communicate with him in case of an emergency. We also do not communicate with him when he is with his other wife from the late evening until after fajr; that is private time between husband and wife.

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    Dear Ina, I tolerate a lot of hubbs antics because beyond the stupidity, I do love him and I also love the idea of now having my own family. This is a bit off topic, sorry. But polygamy sometimes brings about
    many uneasy and tough feelings. It makes you wonder too at times whether the man loves you or not. So many questions running through our minds… but when hes away on holiday with her, I purposely do not communicate with him. When he calls I just do not pick up, and I don’t text. Unless urgent. Reason? Well everyone needs their alone time together, and I could do with my alone time to myself too. I love him, but hes not my only need in life. Initially it was tough to implement. But now, I like it. Its nice to not communicate for days, and then look forward to him coming home after that. It makes me miss him more. winking As with everything, polygamy adjustment takes time. I know you will be better with time. Till then focus on your priorities. It also makes the man realize that you can hold your own.

    Nite nite…. 🌙🌟★

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    Dear Ina, seems like I would understand what you are going through… my co has always had a good life even before I came into the picture. She used the kids as an excuse to stop from work, and you would think that she would reduce monthly running cost by not demanding for a maid… well no stops on that. I am very different compared to her. I was brought in some way…. different. For starters, I don’t believe in changing cars every five years. I have my Honda which is going into six years. Hubbs has told me to trade it in… I am hesitant as its still in good condition and why must I incur more expenses? Look, I am in no way saying I am the better wife. Its just that my way of doing things are different. I want to use my extra cash to pay up for my home and finish the re-payments fast. So at least the house is paid up, Ive got two cars to clear up and my plan is to finish this Honda by this year. I do not like to have too many loans up my head. I also want to expand my business so in order to do that, capital is needed. Yes there are times I too have my days. Like when they went off to Korea for I think a week plus. I just went mad. That’s when I just put my foot down and told hubbs, things have got to change or else, I am walking. Don’t get me wrong, hubbs can be pretty insensitive to me. In order to please her, I am placed on a back burner. Its only nowdays that I am seeing for myself that all this pleasing attitude is wearing him down. He just hardly communicates with her and he’s told me many times that she can be a tough cookie. Which when I hear… I just go silent. I don’t want to commit to anything. Its not my place to do so.

    Ive come to some realization that sometimes, life is not about being able to be cordial towards everyone. I do not even speak to my older sister thanx to her negative attitude towards Islam. So, for me not talking to my sister whom I love, adore, miss so much has made me a wise guy. There are some things in life where once broken cannot be mended no matter how much you try. It is broken, its best we acknowledge it, know it, and move on.

    I love working Ina, that is my life. It took me a while to realize that but I love working with kids and teenagers and so, this job gives me meaning. Maybe there will be some point in life I might want to retire, but not now. I have my goals to achieve and I want to see just how far I can go. All I can hope for in my family is that my co doesn’t meddle in my personal life. I know that when she does not get what she wants, she will use other means.

    What business do you run?

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, try not to pay too much attention to what your husband and his possible wife will be doing on facebook, as long as they leave you alone. Also, remember after the honeymoon period is over with his new wife, he will be back to normal, In shaa’Allah.

    When my husband has married a second wife, the first couple of times he is with her he doesn’t contact me; he is trying to get to know her personality better – he already knows mine. However, after the first couple of times, he contacts me every day that he is with her and he also contacts her every day that he is with me. The contact may be a three minute phone call, a facebook message or chat, or a skype. If he doesn’t contact us each every day it is at least every other day. He never forgets that he is married to both of us simultaneously. That is important for a husband to remember. However if all he hears is complaints when he contacts his wife, don’t be upset if he doesn’t contact her when he is away from her.

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, you are sounding so positive nowdays, Alhamdulillah. I think it’s a wonderful idea to take the children on vacation when your husband is away getting married. It will help to keep your mind, body and spirit busy with other issues. As several of our blog sisters have said in the past, being busy with other activities with our children, family, friends, community members, special interests and hobbies make the transition to polygyny much easier. We realize that although our husbands are extremely important to our lives, they are not our whole life. You go girl! Kiss the children for me.

    Always remember that Allah is in control of all of His creation.

  • Ina

    March 19, 2014

    @ Laila, it seems your co-wife is getting as much benefit as she can from polygamy. I wouldn’t mind having a maid, new car, extra credit cards and fancy holidays when my husband remarries. Unfortunately, he can’t afford it…the car is in my name and he will need to buy a 2nd car to travel between the 2 homes, credit cards are in my name so if I overspend, I’d have to cover it. No chance of fancy family holidays either although I am planning to take my holidays with the kids without him as he will be too busy getting married.

    But I want to give up work and he is ok with that. I’ve worked for nearly 20years so it’s time to retire and enjoy the finer things in life. If possible, he wants the 2nd to take over some of the work I’d been doing. His comment was “she is going to make me rich”. Inshaallah…

  • Ina

    March 19, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    Hubby has been back from Malaysia for a week now and we are both busy with work. I haven’t confronted him about why he told me he un-friended the girl on facebook and <24hrs later re-friend her again. I think I know what he will say anyway. It's hard to shake off the feeling of resentment, his lack of concern for his sons health, the fact that he never called us in the 2 weeks that he was away.

    On the subject matter, the 3 examples given are hard to argue against…it's the ideal situation if when a man engages in polygamy and at the same the community/individual benefit from it in an islamic way. The common thing between all 3 examples it the man/woman is of good character.

    To be honest, I did think about how I will benefit if/when my husband remarries. From the little information I had about the character of the 1st woman my husband wanted to take as a 2nd wife, I could not see how I could benefit from it at the time. However, compared to this one, her character may seem better and she will probably be less demanding. of course, I did not have this comparison 3+ years ago.

    When I found out about the 2nd girl he wanted to marry, I did go on facebook to find out abit more about her. I thought she seems, quite outgoing, has lots of friends so must be a good/nice person. I thought she could benefit our business. It was only when she did all stuff on facebook that really got me upset and questioned her character.

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    dk Assalamu Alaikum,

    Sorry, but we don’t give out information for people to contact one another off the blog. The purpose of the blog is for everyone to communicate here. I deleted your previous post about it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 19, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I think Ruqayyah is a bit confused about what Shirk is. She is comparing apples to oranges. How is doing something lawful, normal and acceptable in Islam shirk? You had problems with your husband, left him and returned. It’s a normal part of life. All couples have problems in marriages. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), according to information in the Quran, had problems in his marriages to the point Allah said He would cause the wives divorce, and replace them with wives better than them. Mediation is allowed in marriages. Allah says appoint two arbiters, one from the husband’s family and one from the wife’s family to resolve a dispute or problems. There is the iddat period in which a husband and wife can reconcile, if they so desire and if it’s Allah’s will. So, I would love to know how your situation has anything to do with shirk. It doesn’t.

    An example of shirk is when a woman pitches a *itch and go all kinds of crazy when her husband wants to marry another. Shirk is when she puts up all kinds of obstacles in his way, thinking she is his lord. Shirk is when he wants to marry another, but he won’t because his wife says he can’t when Allah says he may. An example of shirk is when a woman, out of selfishness and wanting all her wants and needs satisfied comes up with every and any excuse under the sun for why he shouldn’t marry another. She has made herself a Lord. She thinks she decides and controls things and Allah doesn’t.

    He does not have to account to her for what he intends to do when his intention is to remarry. It’s crazy for anyone to think that a man has to get his wife right emotionally, psychologically, physically and all kinds of ways before he remarries. If the wife has issues, she needs to resolve them and the way to resolve them is to turn to Allah for His help and guidance.

    This “double standard” stuff – what is it? Sound like stuff kaffurs talk about. Allah has no “double standards”. Allah tells us what men are permitted to do and what females are permitted to do and what males and females are permitted to do. He tells us what they all are NOT permitted to do, as well.

    Ruqayyah,

    Are you saying Allah is unfair and unjust and did something wrong? He made “double standards”?

    Ruqayyah,

    Are you saying that Allah permitted polygamy, but it is unhealthy? What is unhealthy is a person’s attitude. What’s unhealthy is when one is all concerned about self, and does not apply Allah’s teachings and laws to situations, but rely on their own limited knowledge or lack of knowledge.

    I guess to some, a healthy relationship is for a husband to submit to his wife, put her first and disregard anything Allah says that is not to her liking. When Allah speaks of polygamy, in the Quran, I’d like to know where all these restrictions come from that some of the women here come up with. Our husbands do not belong to us; they belong to Allah. Some here just don’t get it.

    Ruqayyah, it’s not all about you. It’s not about your huge sex drive or his schooling, or his lack of money or his being tired or all the other excuses you come up with. It’s not about you. You are not Allah/God sigh

    I’m off to the boudoir for some more shut eye.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    Pls explain on what is ur understanding on healthy marriages. I would love to read
    and learn.

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    On another note, I did try and “deal” with my co on a polite and sincere manner. For everyones attention just to make her comfortable and to place my step kids needs first, hubbs did not spend nights with me for YEARS. It was either lunch or dinner meet ups. It was only once in a blue moon that he stayed nights with me. In which she put up tantrums. I was not officially introduced to his side of relatives, not all of them. Just to not slight her. Shes changed her cars every five years. Shes got an extra credit card to use just in case she overspends. Just to make things well hubbs did not spend the first Eid with me. I could have died at home and he would never know. Just to please her he took her to Australia [ many times ] , Korea and Thailand. My holiday with him have been local or Thailand only. I went to India but on my own terms. I lost four pregnancies but due to her needs and not to create havoc he still followed her schedule and routine. So….. is that not enough? What else must my husband do to facilitate het feelings further? Which is to a certain degree at my expense?…. oh yes every year like clockwork she demands vacations during Christmas and New Years.
    However last year for new years hubbs decided to take me for a holiday. Oh yes she even has a maid eventhough she does not work.

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    Dear Ruqayyah. No. I did not commit shirk. Im not aware of how you would put being with a man as shirk / shirik [ Malaysian term ] . In my side of the woods shirk is associated with those who dabble in black magic / feed their spouses with any form of substances that makes them dumb and to also put a shaman as the supreme being thats bigger than Allah s.w.t. Yes I do understand that you look at it from a different angle. Please enlighten me on how I may have committed shirk. Then if thats the case doesn’t my co commit shirk too? Aftet all she did put Allah s.w.t aside and allowed her own needs and feelings dominate and manipulate matters? I could be wrong. Please do educate me as I am new in terms of Islamic knowledge. But in Msia, shirk carries a different reference or understanding.

  • dk

    March 19, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    dear sister and brothers

    thank you for all your adviceses and nice to hear your expirience.jazakallah
    it has been a ok night alhamdulillah we startet our day whit the faraiz andall the other things alhamdulillah .
    After we had readded the quran and having a cop of the then it startet whit a hadis and back to the issue got a litel opsad and i got here col down alhamdulillah and she said why dont i go and get the job finished and marry here.
    insted of giving me the dos avery day
    and hope for the best from allah swt.
    and she said it woud had been better if i just did it for one ears ago. hmmm and me i thod it is better to be honest to the wife.
    but stil it is good to be honest.
    i am at the job and alhamdulillah avery thing is fine.
    what did you do to be better understanding one or what did you want that yours hubbis shud do in the start timethat kud help you .
    it is a big help you are doing for os all alhamdulillah may allah swt give you jaza for it.ameen
    i remember that i asked a´bout that do you now viber skype you did not .
    yes i just inveted me wife for a holyday wekeend to spain let see if it helps heres mud
    take care and thanks jazakallah

    wassalaam your brother

  • ummof4

    March 19, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ruqayya, you stated that you were not pro-polygamy. As Muslims, we are supposed to be pro-anything that Allah has allowed, particularly if it is mentioned in the Qur’aan. Hopefully you mean that at this point in your life you believe that it would be difficult for you to accept polygyny.

    As has been stated previously by myself, Ana, and others, why do we feel that we are not supposed to feel pain, hurt and disappointment in life? They are all a part of life and a test for the believers. Believe me, polygyny is not the worse pain that a woman can feel.

    DK and everyone else, I have never called my husband at 2, 3, or 4 in the morning crying to him to come home. He has never spoken badly about his other wife to me and I don’t believe that he has ever spoken badly about me to his other wife. As Ana said, shirk is when someone or something becomes more important to you than Allah. It is also when you question the qadr of Allah as if it is unfair to you.

    Everyone please read the book that has been suggested several times on this blog, From Monogamy to Polygyny: A Way Through. Read the Qur’aan, particularly the ayats about submission to Allah and how only Allah is in control of everyone and everything.

    Sometimes I think that too many of us only like to discuss the negative of polygyny. This thread is about the positives and how polygyny can enrich the lives of the spouses. No it’s not all nice, but it’s not all bad either.

    Ruqayya, I pray that if you ever have to experience polygyny in your marriage that Allah will give you the sakeenah you need to keep your marriage strong and stable.

    Allahu Akbar wa lillai hamd.

  • Ruqayya

    March 19, 2014

    @Laila, did you commit shirk then? He cried and so you ran back to him to make him feel better despite no longer wanting to deal with the woman he is also married to? Hm.. double standards between men and women I think.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 19, 2014

    So a man can do as he pleases and the outcome of any marriage is solely upon the woman?
    I’m not pro-polygamy. Im pro strong healthy marriages built upon islam,”be they 1, 2, 3 or 4. That means men and women working together to build a stable loving environment.
    Yes dk can marry again but he also needs to be responsible enough to know that he will impact his wife’s life no matter what decision he makes.

  • Laila

    March 19, 2014

    Dear Ruqayyah, I was controlling myself from commenting in regards of your response. But I could not…. when you said not marrying to consider the thoughts, feelings of the current partner etc… I think you are getting too emotional. Somehow I also get a feeling that polygamy will never be your cup of tea. You are very possesive and have your own issues. I can totally relate to dk’s point of view. When my co was acting out at some point I just could not take her crap. I told hubbs that its over. Some part of me understood her pain and anxiety and some part of me just could not stand the whole temper tantrums and issues with polygamy and all the silliness. So yes, we were over for a short period of time. I ignored his calls and text messages. Till one day he called up my older sister and cried… he literally cried. He told her that he loved his wife and also me, and that he could not function without me. Sounds very flattering, but I knew at that moment that polygamy is not about just getting a new wife, to engage in so called new love life excitement, but its also matters of the heart. Thats why sometimes when we have some who come here and say that polygamy is all about men engaging in halal sex, I loose my top. Not all men are such. My hubbs even broke down in front of her, at some point and told her that he cannot live without me. So Ruqayyah, compassion and understanding is so complicated in polygamy terms. Even last night I asked my hubbs whether he wants to re-marry anyone. He asked me as to whether I would allow it, and I said, I cannot say that I allow. You are the man and that is your decision alone. But I would appreciate it if you tell me first before getting married again. He smiled and said, hes not inteested to re-marry again but was just testing me. We will all feel the pain. But my understanding is such, our husbands do not belong to us like as though they are our personal toys. They are with us to accompany us, to love us, to create a family life and to provide stability, and when its their time, they will leave. Change is the only constant. We must be open to change. In the past I used to be so worried about him remarrying. But nowdays, nope. And I feel so relieved of that burden. The burden to always check on him, to see who he communicates with etc…learn to let go a bit dear. If not this burden will be on your shoulders for the rest of your life.

  • ana

    March 18, 2014

    Ruqayyah,

    You’re so blinded by your emotions and desire and a desperate need and plea for your own husband not to engage in polygamy; you can’t see or hear anything anyone is saying. I don’t know how you still have your sanity.

    Most people commit shirk without realizing it. Shirk is not about causing someone to sin. It is a sin. A man does not have to plead his case to anyone for taking another wife. He is to answer to God – Allah. All this compassion and respect and blah, blah, blah. What does it mean? It’s tiring. I am going to go watch a movie, as I’m tired of hearing it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, words blowing in the wind.

    Carry on…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayyah

    March 18, 2014

    I don’t belirve that showng compassion and/or giving up a want or right for th benefit of your marriage is making your spouse your lord. I is a normwl part of every relationship. The only way I can see it as shirk is if you allowed it to lead you to sin. Love and mercy are vital parts of a marriage as is sometimes sacrificing a want for the benefit of th entire family be it the man or woman.
    Halal or nit your actions will have a majr impact on your marriage… what do you want to do?

  • Ruqayyah

    March 18, 2014

    I just want to make clear I am not in any way advising DK to marry or not. He is the only one who can decide what is best for himself AND his family because hisnwife will by affected by his decision.
    My uncle married again and lost his first marriage. He regrets his decision even though he doesn’t believe he aw in the wrong he regrets that he lost his wife because even though he has a eife still it is not the same as the person you spent 20 years of your life with
    I believe in dealingnwith th marriage you have now before you take on another. You say your wife is nit religious, what are you doing to help hr grow? Invite her to learn islam with you, every aspect including but not limited to polygamy.
    In taking a second wife you need to face th possibility thwt you will lose your wife and your kids may resent you. Are you willing to risk that?
    Our advice means nothing because you ar in th situation and we are onoy hearing your side of th story. Perhaps your wife has a valid reasn for being against you takingnon another wife.

  • ana

    March 18, 2014

    dk, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I love what ummof4 said to you. There is no way I could have said it better. She is totally correct about it all. You should reread it. Read it over and over again. You’re getting some very good advice from everyone here. As Ruqayya said, your marriage has already changed. Even if you do not marry another, your wife knows of your desire to marry another. It will always haunt her. She will always wonder whether you will or won’t do it eventually. She’ll wonder if you are unhappy with her or whether you will divorce her. She is going through a thing and will continue. Just because you don’t marry another does not mean your desire will go away.

    I need to say you should not let your wife become your Lord. Shirk (setting up partners with Allah) is the worse sin anyone could commit. Allah tells us not to make unlawful what he has made lawful. Make duah and seek the answer from Allah. As ummof4 said, if Allah has decreed for you to marry another, it will happen. No one can prevent it. No one can stop Allah’s show. No one can interfere in it. Your wife will simply have to experience what all that the rest of us women had to go through in order to accept Allah’s decision.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    March 18, 2014

    I cannot advice you what to do but you need to think about everyone involved and how you will deal with it long term. I’ve spoken already about how you will treat your wife..

    Now about the other woman when she becomes your wife you will need to give her her rights in full. While you need to be patient with your first wife that does not mean that she gets more time or rights until she is okay with it.

    Can you handle leaving your wife crying begging you to stay and go be with your new wife? The adjustment period of newlyweds is a lonely time, you will come to miss your only known home of 20 years, can you ensure that despite your feelings you will always be just between them?

    What if your wife asks for divorce? Will you favour her over the new wife therefore divorcing a girl for no reason? Wat about when your new wife has her children by you, and you need to be there to help her but you also have your first wife? Will you expect your wife to give up time or just help out the other wife when its her nights? There are a LOT of situations you need to consider. but if you believe you are capable of maintaining justice in terms of everything not just finances then go ahead and make lots of duaa that your wife finds peace (duaa is the weapon of the believer and duaa combined with patience will be the only thing that will help your wife)

  • Ruqayya

    March 18, 2014

    While he was jobless and Refusing me children, not refusing me to marry again. I’m quite happy with one husband :\

  • Ruqayya

    March 18, 2014

    @DK, my advice is not as a wife in polygamy, nor is it really advice.
    My situation is not the same as yours and so when I begged my husband not to marry the other it was more for the ske of the other sister who would have been contracted out of her rights, and fear of Allah for my husband who would have been questioned about his actions (he wanted to marry again while he was jobless and refusing me to marry again). Anyways my feeling were the same as your wife’s and I would wake up having panic attacks in the middle of the night. In fact it has been 6 months since the last girl and I still have anxiety attacks and have days of depression. Alhamdulilah I am getting better.

    Anyways my point is to you that you need to make a choice on what you can handle, you already seem fed up by your wife’s behaviour even though her behaviour is normal for a wife that is scared and grieving. Do not think that just because it is halal she will not cry, don’t think that the wedding will make your wife feel okay.
    After you marry th other sister your wife will more than likely ring your phone on the other girls nights, at 2, 3, 4, in the morning and you will need to be patient with her for months to years if you want it to work out. Many of the sisters here had the same issue, they were scared and needed comfort, needed to know they were still important to their husbands. This issue will only get worse before it gets better if you marry the other sister, can you handle that?
    Some sisters I know could not stand to be intimate with their husbands for almost a year after he took another wife. The relationship with your wife will change dramatically, for better hopefully, but possibly for worse. Can you handle that?
    The other sister will not have her heart broken, she may feel pain initially but will get over you and find someone else. She will not hurt the same as your wife will… but it does not mean you need to pick your wife’s side.

    IF you believe you can be patient with your wife while she is suffering as your actions are the cause of her suffering and she will blame you, she will not listen to calls of qadr or anything while she is in a raw emotional state. Will you put the blame on her? Complain about her to your new wife therefore causing bad feelings between the two? Or will you be a man and support her, reassure her, only speak good of her while she adjusts?

    In saying that even if you leave the other woman your wife will still grieve and cry, but you can remind her you did not remarry in order not to hurt her and the recovery may be quicker. Either way she will always be in a state of unease thinking you still want to remarry, thinking you are waiting until she leaves to talk to women, thinking that you havve married behind her back.
    My point is your marriage is already changed, now it’s up to you what you want to do and what you are capable of?

  • ana

    March 18, 2014

    @Mari2, As Salaamu Alaikum

    What good news to hear things are going so nicely in your marriage happy I know all too well how nice it is to have alone time with self and alone time to study and devote to the worship of Allah swt. It’s a beautiful thing. It’s, for me, the best part of being in a polygamous marriage. I eat, drink, sleep, workout (exercise), go out, do whatever whenever… I wouldn’t want to give all of it up for all the tea in China.

    On a down note, knowing your husband has divorced the 1st is sad. I know things had been problematic between them for quite a long time, based on what you had said. Sometimes there comes a time when couples must part when they’ve given all they’ve got and nothing seems to work.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 18, 2014

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You’ve got a lot of exciting things planned. dancing It’s especially nice that you’ll get to travel and spend some quality time with your mum and create some fond memories.

    Turkey is on my list of countries to travel to. I’d love to go there. Alex not to up on going, but, Insha Allah, he’ll change, and we’ll get there one day.

    Alex and I are making some plans for our anniversary, which is in May. May and June are nice times of the year for weddings. My mom actually got married the same time of the year as Alex and I. We married Memorial Day weekend.

    Laila, I totally understand your hubs thoughts when it comes to his other knowing you’re going away, and the effect it would cause. It’s amazing how other people begin to belly ache and make demands when others receive some good or go someplace. I dealt with it at the onset of my marriage becoming polygamous, but I made progress. I grew and became a better person. Some people remain stagnant. My husband’s other still takes herself through major changes every time Alex and I go away. It’s gotten to the point he has asked me not to relate the stuff on the blog, as he’ll hear it and have to deal with it from her.

    I know everything comes from Allah, so for me to get upset and bent out of shape about what Allah gives someone shows my displeasure with my Lord. When we know our Islam, life become so much easier and peaceful. It’s a beautiful things.

    Laila, it’s really good you’re taking it easy about having a baby. You may be pleasantly surprised that once you relax and take it easy about it, you’ll find yourself pregnant. Ask Allah to make it happen, believe He will, and put it in Allah’s hands. Don’t doubt and don’t despair.

    Oh, and it’s fantastic that you and your hubs pray together. Alhumdulliah happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 18, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Laila, hope your romantic plans turn out fantastic! My husband and I take a short romantic getaway once a year now that our children are adults. Our children say that we are making up for lost time when we were rearing them and did not take getaways. Hope you enjoy your trip to Turkey with your mother as well; it will be good bonding time, In shaa’Allah.

    dk, I am sorry to hear that your wife is now extremely upset about you marrying a second wife. But we women go through lots of changes when our husbands want to marry another wife. We are happy, sad, disappointed, depressed, relieved, etc. Our emotions can be crazy. Yes, your wife will feel pain, we all feel pain. However, if she puts ALL of her faith and trust in Allah, and depends on him alone for her relief, Allah will give her the relief she needs. Be patient with her, but please do not let her determine what you do with your life. You worship Allah, not your wife. If it is already written that you will marry the other sister, you will marry her, and there is nothing your wife can do about it.

    If you marry a second wife and your first wife does not approve, it does not mean that you are not being kind to your first wife. According to what you have said, you are being kind and respectful to her. Just because a person feels pain and is upset, does not mean that the other person did something to hurt them.

    As far as the woman you are planning to marry; her response was one that shows belief in Allah. She does not want to cause problems in your marriage and does not want to cause pain to her Muslim sister, Alhamdulillah. She sounds like a sister who would make a good wife for you.

    I know I don’t get a vote and you have to decide for yourself what to do in this situation, but my vote is to do what you think is best and realize that all women will feel pain and jealousy, whether you have one, two, three or four wives. What will be best for you and your deen?

    Ana, thanks for reminding me that Spirited went to Pakistan for a few weeks.

    Allahu Akbar wa lilaahil hamd (Allah is Most Great and to Him is all the Praise).

  • dk

    March 18, 2014

    ASsalaam mu alaikum
    Isaid the wrong name of the sister i think
    Woo there is so many mean sister out there i hope u all have the strengt to diel whit it inshahallah
    i all ways think that it is men responcibiliti to handle there wifes to not to thalk dirty to eich onther.
    And i hope that brothers thek there risponsibility sirius .remember the hesaab we will get if we are unfair to aur wifes so becare full brothers.
    repect them thye are our tracer u now.
    i just spoked to this sister and she said if it is giving you so many issue than why dont u back of from your promisses.
    and have a nice life like you had it all thiys years whit your family.
    she said allah swt thek care of all dont wary
    it will heart my but i sarvaive inshahallah
    avery body have there issuse. right
    i seek help from allah swt please make dua for me to ameen

    wasalaam

  • dk

    March 18, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    dear brother and sisters

    Alhamdulillah sister Laila said there are many good
    things to do yes i am trying to do all this you said.
    My mother was vary happy of me till she dead i tok her to haj 2time and then umrah and did what pleasd
    here.alhamdulillah.
    yes i tok my wife 2 time to umrah and all my childrens to alhamdulillah
    and all the other things i do to alhamdulillah.
    Life is vary short and the hesaab is vary strong
    i want to do what aver pleaes allah swt inshahallah
    and plannig on to biuld a mosk to inshahallah when aver allah swt give me the tofiik.
    yeaster day we had our discussion she so my email from this site and get vary opsat that i right or read all this staff and she ready to live my cust becourse of that i told here agian that i what to read what is happening out ther .
    she was in here bad mud well it thuk me many hour
    to kul here down. finaly alhamdulillah
    and then it startet again at the night 2,30 in the morning yes . Alhamdulillah we read salah and quran
    andthen fajhr then she said she dont feel good about it and can not handle her fiillings for me
    so way do i not go and marry this woman.But i dont want to give here op so all the mining is distroed.
    Hope for the best that allah swt gives me the strent ameen.
    And then back again it is distarbing my hole familiy the way she responce to my act that evan when i read staff like this site of yours.
    than i told here to relax that i havent don anyting wrong or some thing.
    she are having a headeg so i dont distarb her whit all my staff .
    Thel me sisters ower profet mohammed saw saed that best pepole among u is hu is good to there women.
    shud i just saye sorry to this women hu i want to marry and thel here that it make my wife soufer to much, and in sted break here haert. But it will always be there i think.

    what do you think.
    wassalaam your brother

  • Laila

    March 18, 2014

    Dear Anaand Ummof4, sorry for my super late reply. Yes, Ive put mega amounts of thought into my wedding episode. So, Ive decided that this year, for our anniversary, we shall celebrate it in style! So this June, I have decided to foot the bill and pay for our flight, hotel and food. We are headed off to Phuket, Thailand. Its very romantic there, and its a retreat for couples. I even told him that I am going to purchase nice and classy presents for each other. His bday is also the same time as our anniversary. His birthday is on the 12 June, and we got married on the 16… so double celebrations! Im now putting my focus this year into us, our marriage, my career and just enjoying each other. In the past years Ive put baby stress on hi and me. Due to that we fought a lot. And to be frank, love making between us soured… so this year, Its about us! Tq Ana and Ummof4 for your ideas. I replied late because Im the type that likes to think deeply and implement things. I value everyones feedback here. I don’t just vent and not look for solutions. Just the other day he suggested that when I get home after work, we pray together happy so all is GOOD! I am very positive in regards to where my life is heading into, and I am very grateful to Allah s.w.t.

  • Laila

    March 18, 2014

    Dear Ana, wow…. loads of issues with everyone in this week. Just read your post about your hubbs asking you to try and communicate with ‘C’. If I were you, I just wont do so. Some women are very poisonous. No matter how much you try… they will never see the positive side of things. Last year my hubbs asked me to send her a text message on Eid to ask for forgiveness and to try and clear things out. In short, there was a WAR at home. Why should I apologize? Is it because im younger? … hey respect must be earned ya. She called me a w****, called my mum a w**** and even called my dad a p***. So no way! I understand that when a new wife comes into the picture, the new one cannot assume that the current wife is to lay a red carpet with flower petals on it. But please don’t drag my parents into her temper tantrums. So as of that situation, hubbs has shut his mouth up. I even told him, not to sugar coat her behaviour because shes older… I wont buy such crap. The other day when he tried to be too smart about matters, I just looked him square into his eyes and said, “How about my apology from both mother and daughter for their fitnah towards me in which it reveled that they were lying?”…. He just went… mum. Im not asking polygamous women to be at war, I am just telling everyone here whos polygamous to stand your ground. Being nice to the other co, whom you know very well is an a** is not going to get us anywhere. In fact, we are being hypocritical towards our husband, and ourselves. So if its better to keep to our side of the fence, then do so and maintain the peace, harmony and tranquility.

    On another note, I am going to Turkey! Yay!!!! Ive planned to go to Jordan by the end of the year but, Allah s.w.t. has planned it such that my mum approached me for a tour shes taking. When I asked hubbs, he just agreed. He told me he is okay with me travelling with my mum, and that I should see the world. Its an affordable ype of tour. Nothing fancy. Im going in October. Its simple amazing what happens when we plan things for our lives. It may not be the exact, but then its nice anyway. I asked hubbs if hes going to stay the extra days with her, he just disagreed totally. He wants to stay at our home in accordance to the schedule. He told me he wants to avoid her silly questions if its too obvious that I am not around. He told me then she will start her drama on wanting to go somewhere and that hubbs spends more on me. Well, shes got her brand spanking new BMW 3 series! So lets not complain 😎

  • ana

    March 18, 2014

    @KA126,

    I kinda have an idea what I probably said. It’s okay. It’s not easy to quote someone exactly unless we’re looking at the comment and, one thing about it, you probably wouldn’t be able to find the link anyhow because there are 25,995 comments on the site laughing

    Insha Allah, tell your Habibi to take you to Hajj and Allah may possibly answer his prayers and give him another wife, Insha Allah, one that will be righteous, pious and devout. Allah answers our prayers. Hajj is a wonderful and exciting adventure to plan for. Insha Allah, it will happen. Let’s make duah for it for the two of you.

    Anyhow, I emailed Alex and let him know not to ever mention to me that she and I communicate. I want no dealings with her whatsoever. Allah tells us who to shun and who to befriend. She’s not one to befriend. I still have to look at my husband in an off kind of way in that he could be with such a despicable person. Allah says he created us in the best of molds and then abases us to the lowest of the low, except those who Believe. All I know is I don’t want Allah to reduce me to the level of the lowest of the low.Afraid That’s what I’m talkin about.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    March 18, 2014

    @Ana,

    I don’t think you used the word “appease”. I don’t remember the actual link, but it surrounded going to the lunch with my CoCo. I did not want you to think I wanted you to place your husband’s needs in front of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. I just know husbands have both sides of the story. We as women, unless we are friends with our CoCos only know our own and just guesstimate the other side. Irregardless, if he really wants it, he will set it up himself.

    I’m sorry that so many Muslimahs are experiencing this fitnah. I understand your point of view though. I know you have tried before, and are probably just tired of the whole mess. You are always in my duas, Uhkti..

    In other news, Habibi asked me to bring him a wife on my way back from my business trip…. I forgot to laugh….. I’m okay with it…. but can we go to Hajj first please? Okay, now I am laughing, ha ha ha ha ha ha Always something!

  • Mari2

    March 17, 2014

    I just want to put in my two cents on this subject and say that I have very much been enriched by my marriage to M. I entered into polygamy willingly with no desire for him to leave #1, and as a divorced woman with my own career and interests, I was at a personal point in my life where I was rather independent and while I enjoy my husband’s company, I am not in need of it 24/7. I have come to enjoy my “me” time as well as my “me and Allah” time.

    Polygamy hasn’t always been easy. At first it was a test of my patience. As #1 was a bit unstable, time with M could be sporadic, and yes sometimes I did lose patience with that. But I also learned so much about Islam, another culture (which I was fortunate to experience through M), I have another huge extension of family through marriage, and I can honestly say I am/have been feeling on a very even keel both spiritually and in everyday life. There are ups and downs, but the ups have definitely outweighed the downs of late.

    I will admit that as of last week, M filed for divorce from #1. After trying for years to fix his issues with #1, there were certain frightening behaviors exhibited by her of late that just made divorce the better option. I hope #1 the best, and I did try to reach out, but she has her own issues to deal with. May Allah help her.

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Thank you!!! I think Spirited may be in Pakistan now. I have to check my email. Maybe she sent me some pics or something. I haven’t been to my email in weeks now sad It is difficult enough trying to stay on top of my personal email to the real me (not my alias) laughing

    Insha Allah, I’m going to go do a workout. I need to work out my frustrations. It’s not easy dealing with thoughts of being married to someone who could love someone of that (“C”‘s) caliber. It says a lot about my husband too.

    Allah says to exercise patience in all that betides us. It’s what I must do. Allah has a plan…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 17, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I agree with you. Based on what you have said about your husband’s other, she will do nothing to benefit your deen. I would stay away from her as well and not even try to think about her. However, I would make du’ah that Allah guides her to the seeratul mustaqeem.

    Spirited where are you?

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    KA126,

    Are you sure it wasn’t someone else and not me who told you to appease your husband’s need to make things right? I can’t remember ever saying it or anything like it. Maybe you misunderstood or I worded it another way or something. It doesn’t sound at all like anything I’d say.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    Ooops I made an error in the last post. It should be, Allah says don’t take those outside your rank into your intimacy. I fixed it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    KA126 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I really can’t do that – appease Alex’s need to make things right. If I’m going to try to appease anyONE, it will be Allah swt. Alex can’t make anything right. He may have the need to do so, but he does not have the power. Alex has defied Allah in so many ways by “marrying” that woman to begin with. He married a person who Allah tells us not to marry. He moved in with people whom we shouldn’t cohabit with. He violated so many more of Allah’s commands by being with and living with her.

    I believe Allah swt has protected me all this time by not having me connect with her. Allah says don’t take those outside of your rank into your intimacy. She is not of my rank.

    Why would I try to befriend someone who just a few months ago sent me a porn pic of my husband’s penis (she took while he was sleeping), telling me to suck his #$%^ and calling me a $itch!!!? – yes, with the exclamation points, telling me she was going to do him until he was dry and then send him back to me. Tell me why I should want to befriend a person like her?

    She has only spoken of sex to me the entire seven years he has been with her, telling me how she does him and how he does her – what they do to each other. She told my husband that he was her best fan (when she sent porn pics of herself) that I saw on his phone. Supposedly she’s married to my husband, but has a fan club. Tell me why I would want to befriend a person like her…? How will she help my emam (belief)? How will she help me enter Jannah/Paradise?

    Furthermore, she flips burgers for a living – the last 20 years or so at the famous burger joint. It’s probably why she can’t talk about anything but her @$$. It’s all she knows.

    I don’t think your co is or ever was anything like what my husband is married to.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    March 17, 2014

    @Ana,

    Just as I do, you have a terrible history with your CoCo. However, I will give you the same advice that you gave me and it helped me to put things into perspective….. Appease his need to make things right. That doesn’t mean to kiss anyone’s behind.

    After her last incident it is only right that she call you first so tell him that. If she happens to do it, have an open mind and let things fall where they may. Whatever her intentions are, (and you already know them) let them come to light and he will have to deal with it. At least in your mind and with Allah Subhana wa ta’ala, you were open to it.

    @dk,

    You do not have to participate in polygny to follow the teaching of the Prophet sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam and abide by the laws of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala , there is soooooo much more to Islam than that. Are your salahs in order, have you performed Haj, built a masjid, helped the poor, taken care of your mother, taught your children the Sunnah, etc.?
    However, if you feel like you want to do it, you’re a man DO IT! But there is so much more to polygny than financial means. Everything you do now with your current wife and children will be duplicated. Time, emotion, extended family issues, holidays, mood swings, food, clothing, furniture, shelter and the list goes on. If you are that strong, do it!!!! Your doubt you express here, shows otherwise though.

  • ummof4

    March 17, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, thanks for the thread. I believe that any marriage should be entered into with the thought that each spouse will be gaining, otherwise why bother? When a woman’s husband marries another wife, she should look for what she may be gaining as well, and not just focus on what she may be losing.

    Aumer in answer to your question about the benefits of polygyny, some of the sisters already gave good answers. I have another answer that Ana and others have spoken of before. Polygyny is a trial and a test for all of the adults involved. As with all tests and trials from Allah, it gives us a chance to truly look at ourselves, to turn to Allah for His guidance and mercy, and to work on being more righteous. Polygyny often helps a Muslim wife to be less selfish and self-centered. It helps her to realize that her husband does not belong to her, he belongs to Allah, like all of Allah’s creation. It helps her to be more grateful to Allah. And as strange as it may sound, if her husband goes about polygyny the right way and is one of the “good guys”, it even makes her even more proud to be married to such a righteous Muslim man who is capable of doing what many Muslim men are not capable of doing.

    There is good and bad in most human relationships. The bad attracts more attention because it sells better in the media and for gossip. Many people who are in good relationships do not broadcast their relationships as much as those who are in bad relationships. One of the purposes of this blog is to highlight the fact that polygynous marriages, like monogamous marriages have good times and bad times.

    As I stated previously, my marriage has been monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, polygynous. I have embraced all parts of my marriage with the permission of Allah. My husband and I try our best to love Allah more than we love ourselves and each other. And for the new people on the blog (those who have been around a while have heard this all before), we have been happily married since 1975, and have reared 4 well-adjusted, Muslim children into adulthood through the years.

    DK,
    May Allah bless you and your family what is best for your life and your deen of Islam.

    To everyone, we know that Allah is in control- snow on March 17?

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    Aishah, Assalamu Alaikum,

    Alex has spoken to me a few times recently about wanting C and me to communicate. I am like – it’ll be a cold day in Hell before that happens. She and I have NOTHING in common. She has NO Islam whatsoever. She and me being friends, it ain’t gonna happen. He had the audacity to tell me to call her. For what? So she could tell me again to kiss her butt? What is wrong with men?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    Dear Laila, Assalamu Alaikum

    Point well made. People do blame polygamy when things go awry when it’s really the people themselves who jacked things up. People live in their imagination. Satan has a good time with them, creating false illusions that seem real. How often do things actually turn out the way we imagine?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 17, 2014

    Dear dk, it seems to me that you have all covered. Its not putting theory into practise. I pray and hope you become a good leader on both sides and also handle things well when sometimes the waves of the sea can be very rough. May Allah s.w.t guide and bless you in your journey towards polygamy! big grin please forgive me if my comments were harsh or anything, but my nature is such where I like a man to “plan” matters before re-marrying. Because when things don’t go smoothly, people in general will blame polygamy and how it is not suitable for todays day and age. That was my concern. Good luck brother!

  • ana

    March 17, 2014

    Brother dk, Wa Alaikum As Salaamu,

    Don’t let anyone discourage you. You seem to have thought everything through thoroughly. You believe you are capable of carrying out a polygamous marriage. You have sought Allah’s help, and have made your intentions. Put your faith and trust in Allah and go forward. Allah knows best whether He will give you another marriage.

    I agree with you that polygamy is really for the believers. Most of the men that I am aware of who have polygamous marriages do not appear to be believers.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • dk

    March 17, 2014

    assalaam mu alaikum

    Dear sister it simz that most of your hubbibs like you says have more than one wifes.
    but not avery body has to be rong.
    yes i now and yes ido consider it many times.
    like i said that i do not have any issuse whit the money at all alhamdulillah.So that s waj i dont need to work harder at all.
    I do love my wife and my children vary much.
    But is it like that pepole hu are bad father and bad hubbibs only thy shoud take more wifes but not the beliving ones.
    shoudent it be the other ways.
    and i have made consider how to manig it as good as i can and alhamdulillah allah help hu seek his help
    i read to rakat and make dua when aver i feel i need help like profet mohammed sws sayeded to his ummah.
    plz forgive me if i hurt some bodyes fillings
    wassalaam your brother

  • KA126

    March 17, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum Sisters,

    Alhumdulillah the comments are now open. I have been waiting.Well, the family is all moved in. Alhumdulillah! I am currently traveling on business while Habibi finishes it up. As far as my CoCo, subhana Allah, she is still in her iddah. Habibi has said he is done.

    As far as polygny, I actually enjoyed it. Albeit, she was faking, but there were more aspects of it that I enjoyed. I enjoyed the friendship, permanent shopping partner, my support when Habibi wasn’t acting right, built in babysitter and since my children and I are the only Muslims in our family… she was my family.

    I miss her…. or at least the “her” she showed us.

  • Aumer

    March 16, 2014

    Assalamu alaykum Sr Ana,

    Beautiful post from ummof4, looking forward to see more invited contributors isA!

    In regards to the post itself, it would be interesting if ummof4, yourself, or any other sister here can highlight the benefits in having a co-wife?

    Almost always, people share the negative experiences, the more challenging, the problems that arise with the new co-wife. But could there be some benefits that could be elaborated in a separate post?

    JAK
    Adam

  • Aishah2014

    March 16, 2014

    Salaams.right where is everybody? Me, im hanging in.nothing much new.husband looks like its a fatiguing marathon hes running in….back and forth forth and back….i know we discussed nothing good can come from checking out co facebook,etc,and i really never had till just recently.hmm she is on so many different sites and seriously. at least one are dating/ social media sites so..i dont know…guess Allah will reveal whatever that is…hope everyoune. has a good week inshallah

  • Laila

    March 16, 2014

    Good morning Ana! And all my beautiful sisters in faith…. I just read some of the comments here and there on the various threads. I think sometimes when people / women get entangled in polygamy we just talk or highlight the difficulties and issues in in this sort of set up. Some view it as abuse towards women, and some look at it as women being timid or passive. Sometimes we just do not want to see that polygamy can in some ways be the persons cup of tea. Meaning that is the ‘type’ of lifestyle they sincerely opt for. They like that the husband is not at home all the time, it gives more time to the women or wives to go towards what they have set out for themselves. Many women who pass by this site sometimes cannot comprehend why on earth other women would get wrapped in polygamy. Mind you these women are Muslims. Why is it we take what we want and what we dislike or may not agree too, we just drop it like a hot potato. Why? No one woman is better just because she married first or not. We are all tested in so many ways. Why does it happen to us? Maybe Allah s.w.t. is trying to make us see something that we have been ignoring. What we want or like may not be the best for us.

    Sorry I have to deviate a bit :roll: but in dk’s case… it is astounding that just because his deen and takwa is increasing he decides to re-marry. Yes, Allah s.w.t. plans for us. But in some cases I also believe we must think very carefully before engaging in a life changing decision. Ana, just last Saturday my mum came over to our home. I had to send her for a movie later at night and so she decided to come early and have lunch at my home and relax a bit. Hubbs was around last weekend. So I made lunch, we ate, laughed and cracked jokes and finally we got ready to leave her at the cinema. Hubbs decided to take me out for dinner and he wanted to go dancing 😁 as we left mum over at the theatre and we walked past a Gucci store he just commented to me that his days of buying branded stuff was over. By the way, my hubbs is a guy whos was into branded stuff. Nowdays hes toned down quite a bit. He said he rather spend it for us all. I was a bit surprised and also a bit sad. I knew he was working hard for all of us. So at that very moment, I thought of dk. Is he ready to work hard? Can he handle two families at the same time?

    I agree with you when you said polygamy takes a toll on men too. Hubbs is also not so patient nowdays, and he sometimes just sleeps the whole day on Sundays because hes so tired. But he never complains and says polygamy sucks. Just last Saturday as we were having food, we talked. Hes told me that he no longer talks to my co.my co has been carrying stories about him to his elder sister about him drinking wine and he told me he understands that she lashed out in anger. But hes also told me in a very subtle manner, that my co only prays when she feels like it. Meaning when the mood arises, then yes. Aha! And he she always told me that shes such an expert in Islamic studies. I think when we lash out at our in-laws about our husband, and when the news hits them, husbands don’t like it one bit. In her case hes stopped talking unless needed. He puts their kids needs above hers. By the way, I refuse to comment to him about her and I am not bothered. Its her problem and not mine.

    So dk, are you ready?

  • ana

    March 16, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to all,

    Is anybody out there? How Are You

    What's Up Animated Text

    S'up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    peace

    We are at the start of a new thread. For those who wish to continue to read the previous thread or would like to refresh their memories, the previous thread was http://polygamy411.com/polygamy-life-and-success/

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.