I received an email from a 21-year-old female who was conducting research on the topic of relationships. She has read some of the stories from those of us here at polygamy 411. She thinks some of the husbands lack respect for their wives when they (the husbands) become polygamous. She believes there is a lack of communication between the husbands and the wives, as well. She stated she thinks Arab people and western converts seem to engage in polygamous marriages more than people from other countries.
As it’s time for a new post, I thought this would be a good topic for it. I, therefore, have posted my reply to the young lady. I wrote it quickly and briefly, as I was quite busy at the time. What I wrote is as follows:
“Firstly, it appears you look at the entire polygamy matter from an emotional perspective, and how you feel, think and would live your life. I assume you are not Muslim.
To understand what these women and myself have gone through or are going through, you must first understand that Allah who is God permits polygamy for men. He did not say men have to wait until a wife is ready to deal with or accept polygamy. She should accept and embrace that Allah swt (Great and glorious is He) has permitted polygamy for men, if she is a BELIEVER. I doubt whether there would be a polygamous man on this planet, if a man had to wait for his wives to be emotionally or psychologically accepting of it. What Allah says is paramount. A woman who accepts what Allah says will accept polygamy. It’s all about belief. How she becomes accepting of polygamy or not is on her. It depends on her belief or lack of belief in Allah.
The husband should not be blamed for how his wife/wives react to Allah’s decisions. She is accountable to Allah for how she deals with what Allah permits. Allah permits polygamy for men, which means he is allowed to do it. Now, he can do what Allah permits or make what Allah permits unlawful for himself in trying to live by his wife/wives desires.
I don’t see a lack of respect in that a man marries another, although the first wife doesn’t condone it. Allah permits polygamy, which is the bottom line. A lot of the pain, anguish, and suffering that a woman experiences is due to something lacking in her with regard to her faith and belief in Allah swt.
Whether these men met up with other women to become their second, third or fourth wives in an adulterous relationship or an innocent meeting at work or however it came about should only matter in that everyone will account to Allah for whatever wrong they’ve done. We must remember Allah is an Oft Forgiving, Merciful God, as well.
You mentioned there appears to be a lack of communication between the husbands and wives. Perhaps there is. Lack of communication exists in all types of relationships, in monogamous marriages, or relationships without marriage, as well. Lack of communication exists between people. Nothing is special about polygamy with regard to a lack of communication. A husband hides his marriage to another because he doesn’t want to ruffle the feathers of his first wife. It happens. People in life hide a lot of things as they don’t want to deal with the repercussions.
Reverts to Islam (those who converted to Islam) are more likely to try to accept polygamy, as they sincerely, honestly, most of the time want to learn and live Islam. Most reverted with (note: I meant to say, “have”) a sincere desire to be Muslim and live Islam. They didn’t grow up with the cultural Islam that those who were raised “Muslim” did. Many raised Muslims have never read the Quran. They only go by what their forefathers passed down to them. They only go on heresy (note: I meant to say “hearsay).”
I think the young lady asked very good questions. Many who read the blog probably have had the same questions, but simply didn’t come forward to ask them. I invited the young lady to join us here for further discussion of the topic.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.