Primo, Seconda, Terzo, o quarta moglie-Ha importanza?
da Ann on Jan.14, 2010, durante poligamia - le conseguenze, Sezione 2
It matters whether a wife is first, secondo, third, or fourth in numerical order in a polygamous marriage, although it shouldn’t. There are a lot of stigma and negative connotations associated with being a second, third, or fourth wife. Is there a way to curtail the stigma and negative connotations? Dopo tutto, isn’t numbering a way to keep track of who is who?
 I think there is a way to keep the ranking in perspective. The key is for us to always remember that the most honored in the eyesight of our Creator is the most righteous. If we keep that fact in mind, I believe we would strive for righteousness, and always remember how insignificant a number is.  It is wrong to weigh a wife’s position of rank and honor based on her numerical order in a polygamous marriage.
A second, third, or fourth wife in polygamous marriages has, in many cases, received a bad reputation, which has a lot to do with society and its perception. In many societies, especially in the USA, first is symbolic of best. A winner is always first in sports or any type of contest, in line or just in the order of things.  First is the winner; first is the best. Seconda, third, or fourth is just that- runner ups so to speak, next in line, almost as good, but not quite good enough. Thus, this negative perception is carried over into polygamous marriages for many second, third, and fourth wives.
Second wives not only have to deal with numerical ranking, but with the stigma of being called home wreckers, intruders, mistresses, concubines, and other not so polite titles, to boot. I would venture to say second wives may have more prestige and honor in polygamous marriages initially, as seconds probably believed something was wrong with the first wives that warranted the husbands taking second wives to begin with. This sense of superiority for the second wives probably reigns until number three wives come onto the scene. Should a number three enter the marriage equation, second wives probably also begin to feel that sense of inferiority for a time.
Ideally, none of this ranking in polygamous marriages should be. My intention is to make an assertive effort to remember what is most important. What is most important is not numerical rank, but righteousness. The most honored in the eyesight of our Creator is the most righteous.
I was inspired to write this post after having the pleasure of meeting Zainab, my little sister in Faith. I pray Allah is well pleased with her.
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Come Alaikum salaamu!
Benvenuti alla poligamia 411! La nostra casa è per i musulmani e non musulmani. E 'per tutti coloro che vogliono parlare di poligamia, o chiunque sia in un matrimonio poligamico o sta pensando di entrare in uno. Ci piace avere compagnia. Mettetevi comodi e partecipare alla discussione, lasciando un commento. Non vediamo l'ora di vedervi di nuovo qui presto e spesso.
viaggio 4 meno!
January 14th, 2010 su 10:45 PM
HI I know you follow megans-polyblog and I feel greatly that we have been scammed in a way. I know now she is a blunt liar. She posted a picture up of her so-called ultrasound and I found that same picture on another family’s blog at
http://iflifegivesyoulemons.com/2009/01/07/25-week-ultrasound-december-18-2008/
Plzzzz help me expose this person for who they really are, A LIAR!
UGHHH I was so loving her blog! It sucks that she is fake!
and just in case the little wench does delete it here is the proof of her post and also just in case something does happen to the other persons blog here is the screen shot of them both!
http://img189.imageshack.us/img189/4874/meganslies.jpg
http://img705.imageshack.us/img705/3584/meganslies3.jpg
January 15th, 2010 su 9:06 PM
Islam Home,
I am glad that you posted this “ranking” issue. Of all people I know all of this too well. Being a #2, I was called everything by everybody that did not understand what we were trying to do. In my mind, being called second was purely based on chronology and not some superior or inferior thing. I think that western ideology lends to this crass over-inflated ranking stigma wherein any wife after the first wife is a lesser wife.
I do think that the mentalities of #1, #2, and so on are influenced to feel inferior and or superior at different times based solely on how the outside world has dictated to judge polygynous marriages and based on our adopting of western standards. These things play on our self esteem when in face feeling a certain way about being first or second or having a second or third come in is in no way an insult to the other anyone. I think that we all need to just re-examine why we practice polygyny and get over the chronology although it will always be there with different wonderings at how it would have been had a wife been a different number.
but who am i to talk…
January 15th, 2010 su 9:27 PM
Salamelecco “Moglie”Di,
I totally agree with you that how we feel about being in a polygynous relationship, and what number wife we are has a lot to do with the society’s perspective on polygyny. It unequivocally affects the way we view and feel about ourselves, our self-esteem.
You suggested we all re-examine why we practice polygyny, and get over the chronology. You are so right and I’m glad you’ve mentioned it and worded it as you did. I’ve just very, very recently began trying to change the way I think and feel about #2, 3s and 4. I think I’ve been reacting, as I have out of a sense of arrogance and pride, which we know was Iblis’ (Satan’s-for non-Muslims) downfall.
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16 gennaio, 2010 su 5:18 PM
Try being a number 3!! Even folks who accept our situation look at me as though I had 3 heads lol..seriously though, I think each wife has their individual perspective and their own pros and cons list about their so-called number.
I’m really enjoying this blog and
I love Ana’s twitter btw
16 gennaio, 2010 su 6:11 PM
New#3,
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective on what it’s like being number 3. I certainly can imagine the reactions you get from many people when they learn not only that you are in a polygamous marriage, but are number 3 nonché.
As I’ve previously mentioned, I’m beginning to have an entirely new outlook on the numbering factor of wives in polygamy. I admire you a lot for hanging in there and being strong in your position. E 'meraviglioso!
I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog and our twitter, nonché. I appreciate your positive feedback. It means much to me that you share what’s going on with you and polygamy, and to know your thoughts about the blog. All of what I’ve been hearing from you and everyone has helped me to grow and become a better person. Thank you again new#3
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16 gennaio, 2010 su 7:13 PM
Asalaam Alaykum, iv been off line for a long time and i had made a few post here but i see they are now gone im a 4th wife in Egypt, an American revert InshaAllah i pray all are doing very well in this and i find you page to be very exceptional to say the least. Keep it up sister
16 gennaio, 2010 su 9:24 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Khadijah,
I was able to find another previous comment from you under “Polygamy411 Thank’s Everyone.” You could put the title in the “keyword search” box. I think the “keyword search” box only picks up words from post titles. I have to see what I can do about keyword search for comentators.
Ciononostante, I’m really happy you’re back with us and still like the blog.
I have to say WOW about you being number 4. It’s amazingly wonderful! I can’t believe I feel that way now. Life is amazing! For the moment I feel I could be a number 4. Don’t hold me to it though; I must be having a good day. I may not feel this way tomorrow
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23 gennaio, 2010 su 2:50 PM
salaam alayk ana, how have you been? I want to say what many would not like in here and it is that, I have a problem with people who have a problem with wife numbering. As far as I’m concerned, a first wife IS a first wife, and a second, third or fourth is exactly that. whoever wants to marry my hb better not come with the “there is nothing like first wife” attitude. If you so don’t want to be referred to as a second wife, how about you marry a brother who does not have a wife. Its as simple as that.
BTW, I just updated my blog, please check it out.
23 gennaio, 2010 su 5:01 PM
Mena, Wa alaikum Come Salaam! Welcome to polygamy 411. It’s the first time you’ve commented here and I’m happy you did.
In your comment about numbering wives, hai detto “Its as simple as that.” Bene, simple works for me. Really though, there’s no way of getting around the numbering. It’s all about identification. I agree with you that second and subsequent wives have to come to terms within themselves about the numbering thing.
The only way seconds, thirds and fourth can compete with wife number one is in righteousness. We can compete for righteousness. Other than that, ooops sorry, you’re second. Ora, why did I say that? Satan can certainly bring out the worst in us. I have no problem with seconds, thirds, and fourths here or anywhere. We’re all friends. It’s not personal like with me and Carolinah. Please remember that. We’re all just keeping it real.
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25 gennaio, 2010 su 3:29 PM
Asalaam Alaykum dont worry okhti you’ll find soem days are very good and others feel as if the ground has been pulled out from under you. Best to take each day with what ever comes one day at a time and say Alhumduillah for all pray and Allah will ease it for you. I’m glad to be back its my router, inshaAllah will be fixed soon, and shukran for wanting me back i find this to be a pace to get a laugh, a new idea and even a good cry, and i pray this page dose the same for us all,
25 gennaio, 2010 su 4:57 PM
Come Alaikum salaamu, Khadijah Z
That was very sweet. Insha Allah, I’ll make duah for you that Allah makes all your dreams come true.
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January 26th, 2010 su 7:06 PM
I’d suggest the wives not to fixate themselves with the “number gameâ€. A good husband doesn’t differentiate between his wives
21 giugno, 2010 su 3:52 PM
Hello everyone i was just checking out the site and I am looking for a site where i can get more information from other 2nd wives. I am a second wife and I have been for the last 5 anni, now my husband is wanting a 3rd wife and i am a little uneasy right now with the situation. I feel like i am not important anymore. Can someone please help me. thank you
21 giugno, 2010 su 4:07 PM
Hi Brittnay, You’re new to polygamy 411. We welcome you. I think what you’re feeling right now is equivalent to what a first wife feels when her husband takes a second.
I think the novelty of your marriage wore off. The newnest is gone. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or that you are not important to him. Marriage gets old for everyone when the routine sets in. Men look for new XXXXX. They like new. Solo il mio pensiero.
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