Poligamia 411

I have written “My Journey” e “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. Per impostare il post in questo modo, Ho dovuto modificare le date degli scritti. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, risposte, o di risposte da parte dei commentatori.

Essendo nuovo a bloggare, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. Per darvi un'idea migliore della timeline, Alex e sono diventato poligamo nel mese di dicembre 2006 (Quando Alex “sposato” Carolinah). Ho iniziato il blog nel mese di febbraio 2009. Così, potete vedere ho cominciato blogging circa la nostra vita solo poco più di due anni di diventare poligami. Ero ancora un gran pasticcio (psicologicamente) al momento.

Spero che questa spiegazione sia stata d'aiuto.

Questa è una casa aperta. Non c'è bisogno di bussare. Appena arrivato.

Per proteggere la vera identità delle parti e di rimanere fedele alla mia esperienza di vita, i nomi dei personaggi qui (alla poligamia 411) sono fittizi; tuttavia, la mia situazione, condizioni, e le esperienze sono reali.

Sono Anabellah. Potresti chiamarmi Ana.  Sono stato in un matrimonio poligamo, di cui da molti come la poliginia, per poco più di due anni.  Il nome di mio marito è Alex.  Egli “married” Carolinah (Carol) mentre sposata con me.  Io uso Rsposatoied” tra virgolette, semplicemente perché non ero al matrimonio di Alex e Carolinah.  Non ho parlato con nessuno che ha partecipato alla cerimonia, né vedo alcuna documentazione di esso.  Devo accettare la parola di Alex che si è verificato.  Alex, CarolCarolinaho vivo la poligamia, che è lecito a me come un musulmano, per tutti gli intenti e le finalità.

Chiedo perdono di Allah per tutto quello che posso dire o aver detto qui a poligamia 411 che involontariamente, o in qualche modo indurre in errore gli altri.  Il mio intento qui a poligamia 411 è quello di aiutare gli altri a far fronte a un modo di vita (poligamia) che è buono per me e allo stesso tempo l'ho trovato è estremamente difficile.

Mi piacerebbe condividere con voi qui a poligamia 411 il mio viaggio e risposta molte delle vostre domande, nel modo più sincero e più rapidamente possibile.  Insha Allah, potrete condividere alcuni dei tuoi sentimenti, pensieri, ed esperienze con me e gli altri, nonché.

Voglio ricordare che Allah ha reso lecito per un uomo avere più di una moglie nell'Islam. Così, Si prega di tenere presente la poligamia 411 non è un blog poligamia bashing. Non voglio fare illegale quello che Allah ha reso lecito. Questa è stata parte della mia lotta, come ho battaglia con la Verità e la mia desideri personali.

A poligamia 411, Io non, non può, e non come dire a nessuno di praticare la poligamia, né io darò consigli su se sia giusto per voi. Posso solo condividere con voi quello che ho esperto, imparato a conoscere me stesso, e ha imparato da altri.

La lode ad Allah.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Prima Alex ed io sposato, ha detto che poteva prendersi cura di me. Ho detto belle e buone, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, avrebbe avuto un sacco di soldi per aiutare la sua famiglia e gli amici. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would pensare aveva un sacco di denaro abbastanza per prendersi cura di un'altra moglie.

Ho smesso di lavorare in modo permanente, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  A…Io non smettere di lavorare per mettere un onere per Alex, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, se Alex e il mio marriage did not work out.  Inoltre, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

In took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (un anno dopo Alex sposato Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (viverla ora per un anno), not only effected my mental and physical health, ma il mio work as well…not sleeping at night, incapace di mettere a fuoco a lavoro, essere depresso e solo che non cura più, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  Ho detto, “OK, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  Sono stato having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Bene, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  Ha detto, “No.”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

Così, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. Ma, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Bene, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, il mio wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  Ho detto, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  Ha detto, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

OK, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. Il mattino dopo Alex mi ha chiamato il suo modo di lavorare, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, come stava guidando. Mi sono praticamente era molto sensazione di intorpidimento in quel punto, from what I could remember. 

Un giorno o poco più tardi, in uno stato di negazione, Ho chiesto Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, e mi chiese se pensava di aver ragazzino di qualcosa di simile. It was now the end of Novembre. In asked when he might do it. Ha detto, “In Jan. o febbraio” 

On  a later day, Ho chiesto Alex to give me more time, come è stato troppo, troppo veloce. I needed more time a digest it all. Ha detto, “No.”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. Sarebbe meglio farlo in fretta e farla finita, he said. 

Inutile dire che, Ero sconvolto e depresso. I spoke with my wali about it. Lui mi consigliò di non preoccuparmi, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

E poi un giorno, soon afterwards, In received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for il matrimonio, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. o febbraio  

Per molti giorni a seguire, In continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. o settembre. per darmi il tempo di accettare la situazione. Ha detto, “A”. Ho cominciato a chiedere più volte per più tempo, fino a quando ho capito che era l'accattonaggio. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, come egli temeva che avrebbe cercato di fermarlo.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”tuttavia.” My oldest sister said, è stato like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, senza darmi la possibilità di masticare.

Così, ora…what do In di? La poligamia è stato rapidamente diventando sempre più una realtà per me.

Alex advised me, before and after he married me, che egli non aveva alcun interesse a poligamia. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Naturalmente, I had questions.

Alex aveva already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  Ha detto, “Mi preoccupo per lei.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “Egli (Alex) deve essere stato reeeeeal triste.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex ha detto Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; persone che si trovavano nella sua casa, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, In un'altra occasione, said he needed to feel needed.

Sto diventando un po 'avanti di me nella storia qui, ma approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, lui said he married her perché she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience con polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. Ero molto arrabbiato con Alex per quello che stava per fare…poligamia?  

La sera, quando arrivò a casa, Ho scocciato e mi raved. Ho urlato contro di lui dalla cima dei miei polmoni, spruzzato fuori oscenità. Non posso ripetere quelle parole e frasi qui, come they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

A volte when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, di nuovo, e then would rush back. Ho fatto questo più volte. I kept physical distance from Alex, durante i miei attacchi di rabbia, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Anche nel mio stato di furore, Avevo paura, non volendo prendere le mie azioni e comportamenti troppo lontano. Ero come un “pazza.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (Sono stato totally mortified and humilitated; Sono contento che si muovevano.)

Alex non ha mai risposto alla mia indignazione. Ha solo continuato a fare quello che stava facendo, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did esso.  I mean this went on throughout the night, per molte notti, ogni notte?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. Come è stato il cieco che guida il cieco. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

In altri momenti, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Bene, ora era il momento per me di conoscere mio marito migliore…di riaccendere il fuoco o, Probabilmente dovrei dire, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

E 'incredibile che per quasi cinque anni non ho veramente conoscere me stesso, né so che mio marito Alex. Ero così egocentrico, egocentrico e arrogante a titolo definitivo. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, la mia voglia e le mie esigenze, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

Per me, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now diventare much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

Questa è una casa aperta. Non c'è bisogno di bussare. Appena arrivato in.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. Così, Ho chiesto.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” Ha detto, a; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much migliore. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Sebbene, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, come it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (sorridere).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.