Love Allah More

polygamy 411One of our very special commentators, ummof4, the other day, reminded us to love Allah more than ourselves, our husbands or our children. It’s something that we can never receive too many reminders of. We should love Allah more than anyone or anything.

There are many Ayat (verses, signs) in the Holy Quran in which Allah warns us against loving anyone more than Him. In one Ayah in particular, Allah says, “Say: If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline; or the dwellings in which ye delight – are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.” Quran: Surah 9, Ayah 24

I check my thoughts, which is how I check myself to see whether I’m more in tune to someone or something else other than Allah. It is an easy test that I take. If I find my mind is on my husband or something else, my mind is not on Allah. It is possible to do physical things and still remain conscious of Allah at the same time. We can remember Allah while our minds are on other things, as well.

A person can do something for a spouse, and not get blessings for it. For instance, a wife may do something nice that her husband would like, such as cook his favorite dinner, but she is not conscious of Allah while she’s doing it. She receives no barakats (blessings) for preparing the dinner. If Allah swt is not in her thoughts while she prepares the dinner, serve it, wash the dishes, etc., she has done all of it to seek her husband’s pleasure or her own pleasure or someone else pleasure. It was not done to seek the pleasure of Allah. Every deed a Believer does is a good/righteous deed, as a Believer always remembers Allah.

Where does obedience to a husband come in? Obedience to a husband is a duty of a wife, if the husband is a Believer. A woman who is obedient to Allah is a righteous woman who obeys her believing husband. Before a woman can obey her husband, she has to obey Allah. If a woman does not obey Allah, she is incapable of obeying her husband. If her husband does not obey Allah, she should not obey him. It’s the bottom line.

Allah swt in Ayat in the Holy Quran tells us not to listen to or obey anyone who does not remember Him. Therefore, if a husband is not a Believer, the wife is not expected to obey him. Allah swt tells us to judge with what he has given us – the Quran. A judgement call is in order

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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439 Comments

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    We have come to the close of another thread. I kindly ask everyone to join us over on the new thread, which is:

    http://polygamy411.com/where-do-you-fit-in-polygamy/

    Insha Allah,we will see and read each other there happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I finally got a moment to comment on a previous post you wrote in which you stated:

    “to me, most of these polygamous husbands seem to be driving in the opposite direction, lol. Just cherry picking pieces of Islam that they like and ignoring the rest, and yet the 1st wife is expected to instead just become the best muslimah in the world”.

    I agree that quite a few of the men seem to pick what they want from the Quran to live by, for instance, polygamy. I don’t think, however, that they are getting a free pass to do as they please and we women are expect to become the best Muslimahs in the world. I think whether we are male or female, Allah swt is either testing/trying us or punishing us.There are numerous Ayat in Quran in which Allah speaks of tests. He lets us know that His punishment is severe, as well. I just read an Ayah this morning, during Fajr (morning Prayer) time about how He tests us. Allah swt says:

    “He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed; and He is the Exalted in Might, Oft-Forgiving – ” Quran: Surah 67, Ayah 2

    The women here may be battling with base emotions. Men may be dealing with lust or the problem they are presented with in dealing with more than one family to provide for and support. We are all dealing with something.

    The one and only thing we are permitted to contend for is righteousness. We should be as in a race for righteousness, We shouldn’t compete for wealth, children, sons, material thing or the like, but many of us do.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    January 8, 2014

    @Gail,

    I have had a live in nanny for six years. My children are very well behaved. I had to get one because I travel for business a great deal. It’s funny that I also married a man that is just as busy and travels just as much. I had my live in even when my CoCo lived with us. Its all about finding the right fit. I prefer those that were educated in Europe as a nanny. My other requirement is that they are Muslim. I have tried to give other religions a chance, however it just works better with a Muslim nanny for my family. To some people it may seem unorthodox or that I am not raising my children. But to the contrary, I run a tight ship. Due to technology, I know everything that is happening in my household. I highly recommend it.

  • KA126

    January 8, 2014

    @Laila,

    I am a second wife. You are not alone. Although I truly believe that there is no first and second. We are all just wives.

  • Valuable star

    January 8, 2014

    @ Anna

    I actually wanted to tell kyag that only a righteous Husband is able to deal justly, make it work and conclude which wife is righteous. And If there are no rules to deal justly between wives according to religion and you cannot question him then it might be very difficult to deal with a selfish, greedy co wife who wants to snatch your husband from you.

    Also its not ok for everyone to watch your Husband holding her in his arms and you walked in living room, being romantic,flirting,joking and laughing, and then going to sleep with other wife ignoring not only your feelings but also pain.

    So there must be some boundaries for everyone to deal with it in a respectful manner.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @sumaika,

    With regard to others viewing wives who married second as home wreckers. Don’t feed into it. It’s only polygamy haters who says such a thing. Were the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives “home wreckers? Indeed they were not. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example (and the other Prophet’s are our examples, as well). It’s up to you to see yourself from an honorable position as a wife – a wife who has the husband that Allah swt has given you. Hold your head high and claim your position Don’t look down on yourself.

    Regarding children, I believe Muslim women have an obligation to teach their children our way of life (Islam), which includes polygamy when they are old enough to understand. Then, Insha Allah, they won’t have to grow up undergoing such pain and agony such as what we had to endure. They need to learn about polygamy in their formative years, as they learn about marriage in general. It is very important.

    Alhudulliah, for you sharing more with us, sumaika happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @sumaika,

    In continuing, I’m so happy to hear the blog has helped you, as it has helped me and others. Sometimes the advice we give and receive can hit us hard, but it turns out to be for the good. Truth isn’t easy for us to take at time. Allah says that most of us have a hatred for the Truth. We may feel we got smacked at times, but later, after calming down and getting over the beating, we realize it was for the good. We make progress. We move ahead in a good direction.

    When you learned your husband was unable to travel to get to you as he had initially scheduled, you did a wonderful thing. You said to yourself – it is the will of Allah. You remembered Allah and Allah remembers those who remember Him. I pray Allah swt is well pleased with you for taking that major step towards Him. I pray He rewards you immensely in your marriage and your general life for it. It’s a excellent step forward for you. You should be so happy for the progress you’ve made and thankful to Allah swt. You did good. Insha Allah, you’re on your way to having the peaceful, tranquil marriage that it should be. You’ve got a good attitude, sumaika. Keep up the good work.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m so glad you spoke up. I knew yesterday I missed mentioning someone who married her husband second in sequence. It not as easy for me to keep up with everyone and their stories anymore.

    I think if more women who married 2nd, 3rd or 4th in sequence were to join us here and SPEAK UP, it would be most helpful to us all. We’d get to know one another and understand one another better. When Mrs.#2, Nura, and 4th wife Khadijah Z were here and I listened to them, their stories and views, I began to view women who married 2nd, 3rd, or 4th in a different light.

    We are all very much similar in nature, regardless of what number we call ourselves. We all bleed and feel pain the same way. We all (most of us, anyhow) love our husbands and we have to combat feelings of jealousy, envy, hatred, bitterness, anger and more. The majority of women don’t want to share their husband, regardless of what number we are. We have to learn how to share and recognize sharing as a good thing that it is. We turn polygamy into something ugly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace To All,

    I kindly ask everyone to be cautious in their writings and refrain from promoting other blogs on this site. There are writers from other blogs who have commented here or supported this site and we have recognized them here at polygamy 411. Sometimes I find other blogs have links to this site and I add them here under “other blogs”. I’ve put a lot of time, effort, and money etc into this site with the permission and help of Allah, not to to have people come here to advertise for or promote other blogs who do not support us here.

    @Valuable Star,

    The story you related to Kayg was quite interesting. There are women who have an agenda. They are only out for self and what they can get. Allah tells us to investigate. It is what I’m trying to be mindful of. It is so easy to fall asleep when it comes to others who say they are “Muslim”. We immediately think we should view them in a different light than those who aren’t Muslim. We think we should give them special treatment. It’s not the case.

    We need to investigate for a reason. There are some who have just become Muslim. Allah swt lets us know that just because someone has become Muslim faith has not yet entered their hearts. How could faith enter their hearts when they were so far away from faith just yesterday? Faith does not immediately enters a person’s heart by them uttering the vow (Shahadah) to become Muslim. I’ve gotten burned a few times in that I opened my heart to such persons or someone simply because they professed to be Muslim and I was wrong. I didn’t do as Allah swt had said. I failed to investigate.

    I agree with you, as well, that one needs to stand up for oneself and not be cowed when they can do so without any repercussions. There are some women who are in abusive relationship and they must exercise caution, put their faith and trust in Allah, as we all should and exercise patience and perseverance. Allah sees and knows all things. There are times when Allah swt has specifically instructed us to act and there are time when we are to patiently persevere in whatever betides us.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Valuable star

    January 8, 2014

    @ kayg!!

    As you have mentioned till now, your story seems to me like the one that I read under the title of the blog XXXX. The Woman there to help her friend brought her home, usually busy with chores and kids whereas her husband was usually teaching her Islam, helping her find a job and even discussing about seeing suitable husbands for her. The lady was so pure at heart, unselfish and I cannot put on words for her thought its all ok as far as its in her presence even though she noticed moments of flirtations going on between them and never thought about such a consequence.

    They married behind her back and as a part of their drama confessed she has feelings for his husband and he stating how is he open to polygamy without knowing they are already married.
    Unexpectedly she welcomed her as a co wife even after betrayal, was very understanding and cooperative and tried her best to deal with it all Whereas her friend turned out to be insanely jealous and selfish. But even when Husband was unable to take care of the finances and devote time not only as a husband but also as a father to their children, then too she dealt with emotional roller caster for years and stayed for children even though through actions her Husband made it clear she prefers the other woman more, when he himself knows how both are as a person. And at last she ended up with divorce and a single parent of their children whereas her so called Best friend with her Husband.

    I am not at all trying to scare you but want you to consider it through all angles and aspects.
    So I would like to personally request you to google XXXX.

    Being cooperative is very good but there are many men who take them for granted, are watchful about their actions with the other one while ignoring feelings, making adjustment, demanding, always expecting her to compromise on her interests & even accumulating resources when left with no other source from cooperative wife to please the other one to make it work if not with wrong intentions!!

    Ofcourse Religion provides the basic guidelines to live Life but its a fact other people always treat you the way you allow them and A man always respects you more and considers you worthy enough when you value your Self respect above all, make it very clear to him you cannot compromise in this aspect and posses the strength to stand up for your own and children rights.

    Not only polygamy but even in monogamy its always needed to have a right start, present yourself cooperative enough but not meant to be used as a doormat.
    Few wives out of devotion from the very beginning compromise and sacrifice so much that they usually end up being the one to practice it in all aspects whenever the need comes and are left with no option to acquire peace but we all are humans and have got feelings and a limit, also sooner or later a stage comes when you cannot take it anymore and even your best is not enough!!

  • sumaika

    January 8, 2014

    Assalamualaikum. Hope everyone is ok. I’m a second wife and now that some ladies mentioned it I did feel that this page is more for first wives. I do come on and see what’s happening in the other ladies lives and I do take the advice given from the other sisters. Alahmdullila after joining this page I’m not the fighting and selfish type of person I use to be with my husband. I’ve become more understanding and accepting and scarificing too. If some of the sisters remember my husband was suppose to come on the 7th but due to unforseen circumstances he can’t travel yet. I was upset at first but I did not argue with my husband when he told me he can’t travel yet. I said to myself that this is the will of Allah. When the time is right we will move and Allah will take me to live with my husband near his work.. I just wanted to say that sometimes I feel that when u a second wife society sees the second wife to be a home wrecker that’s atleast how most of the people in africa see it.. Polygamy is becoming more common now here and I read somewhwere that we have to prepare our kids for polygamy too because nearing qiyama there will be more women than men.. Request for duas

  • Aishah2014

    January 8, 2014

    Gail I could see how your Co could be angry.plotting and planning / scheming never good, but she thought she would have some payoff/ reward at end of that time but didn’t happen.yes that sounds like very stressful living.just move forward.maybe she needed a breather from it too.hopefully inshallah she will call her kids.if not she does know you will take care of them.good luck w business! the living together..could not do…unlike a short term college roommate couldn’t just get rid of Co switch so easy if one finds they don’t like living w them!

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @Gail,

    What is occurring with the resell of cell phones and computers is not only happening in Pakistan, as you may already know. In a nearby area in which I live there is a scam going on in which people buy a cell phone, get insurance for the phone, then report the phone lost or stolen, and then get an extra phone and they sell them. It is a lucrative business. All kinds of scams are going on. I could see how it would be a big business in Pakistan, as well.

    About your story, Gail, it seems to me that your ex-co is probably very bitter and angry about the outcome of things between you, she, and your husband. It’s understandable.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2014

    Aishah,
    Yeah I am moving forward on the business.I actually am tossing around a few other ideas so we can get away from this icecream business.I am so excited on that side.As far as cowives living together I am actually one of the few people I think on the blog who has lived with her cowife over the years and I can tell u it 100% it is no picnic and it is always stressful.In my case I wanted her and I to be close.I am 12 yrs older than her so I think it caused her tension where I being older just was a nonissue for me.She would rarely come near me to be honest and I was every day asking why does she not want to eat with us and what is her problem.I will not lie I got annoyed with her on these issues to the point I was very blunt with my husband about it.Also I will say this that she slept in a room right next to our room.The room next to our room is a family room and all the unmarried girls sleep in that room at night.My sister inlaw one day asked me to keep it down at night because they could hear us in the girls room.I about died knowing everyone could hear us not to mention this was before I knew about cowife and hubby and their for a lack of a better word their immigration fraud scheme.Now looking back she told me mother inlaw told her to stay away from me and not sit with me.I know for a fact it was hell on her listening and seeing my husband and I laughing and kissing around and not being able to say anything about it.I have years and years worth of living with her in Pakistan.As a matter of fact I have only not lived with her the first 2 yrs while living in Pakistan.After we come to USA and went back to Pakistan she was always at the home.Although I thought I was allowing it to be nice so we could be with all the kids under the same roof although looking back now I just made it easy for my husband to keep her in the same home.

    I want to say something to the new woman on the blog about sexual relations with sharing.OMG at first it is the hardest thing ever and when it happened to me it was because I allowed it to happen.My husband actually told me he would tell cowife he would never have sexual relations with her.He had not had sexual relations with her since the day we married.She tried but he told her no not until I was told well that took 8 yrs to tell.I will be honest at first I did not believe him but now looking back yeah he did not touch her any of those years.
    Anyway I want to give u some words of wisdom here if I can from having been there done that.I know for me I was way way overthinking that my cowife and my husband had some great love affair between them and some really really hot sexual passions.Well in reality that just was so not the case.As a matter of fact it was the complete complete opposite of what I thought.When I quizzed my husband and told him what I thought he just busted out laughing and said nope no passionate crazy wild stuff going on.Also knowing my cowife the way I do now looking back I just die laughing everytime I think about why I was so mentally upset that time.I was way way over reacting.Now in saying that I don’t even think it matters if one wife is hot and one is not because marriage is marriage and each wife should try to get her groove on with hubby her way and not worry about her cowife’s groove.Anyway hope that helps with u new girls wondering and upset about sharing your hubby.One last word of advice if somehow u can keep telling yourself your husband is not having an affair on you and the only woman he is using for sexual relations are u and your cowife well that helped me to keep things real and in focus when the anger hit.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2014

    Jenny,
    I went back and read what I wrote and it kinda sounded like I was saying bad about your hubby.I did not mean it exactly like that.I just know my husband and inlaws talk all the time about buying expensive laptops and cell phones etc… to resell because it is very profitable.When u said your husband seemed upset that your didn’t let him have the expensive one and the fact that u suspected he ran put the door with other electronics in tow it was the first thing that came to my mind.To be fair he might just wanted to send to his brother inlaw or someone in the family.You know Pakistan and gifts are a huge deal there and just expected.The more expensive the gift more value and praise the family gives you.It was either one of those two things I suspect.You might ask him about the gifts and praises thing if u are not aware of it.I am sure he will fill u in.

  • Aishah2014

    January 7, 2014

    Ana wow u will be 5 years worth of helping others with the blog.that’s awesome.bringing you some barakats too inshallah. Laugh many things to consider discuss with your husband..I personally would not want to share a house with another wife….I guess if you had children and you got along realllllyreally well ( thinking sister wives) the other wife. could help you with kids( pro).if on other hand you do not get along or know or trust other wife ( my case) your kids could end up seeing less of their father ( con). guess it just depends.in Gails case there is a family emotional connection..but still no guarantee it will be cohesive.move forward on the business Gail!

  • Gail

    January 7, 2014

    Jenny,
    I will tell u why but your not going to like what u hear I think.They take back cell phones and Computers to resell in Pakistan.It is one money making business there.You stepson would never use that laptop it would be for resell.Your 2,000 dollar laptop would have fetched a nice little penny.I am not certain u know much about whats going on in Pakistan with all the cell phones and computer reselling.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    Jenny,

    You cracked me up – a $2,000.00 laptop surprise What the heck is that like??? LOL I never even seen a $2,000.00 laptop. Don’t get me wrong. I know they exist.

    Yeap, it’s cooooold as a dickens here. It was 9 degrees out there. I went out with one of those vest things on and quickly returned to the house for a coat. I had to go back in anyhow as I had forgotten my phone. It was brutal out there. I wouldn’t want to be homeless, for sure.

    Ummo, you must be looking forward to basking in the sun. Soak up some sun for me. I pray you have a wonderful, amazing time!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    @Kayg,

    I can only speak of the pros and cons as they apply to me, which would most likely be different from those who have children. Neither I nor my husband’s other has children by him. She has children from a previous relationship(s) and the children are now grown. The pros and cons would be different for those who work, as well. I do not work.

    The pros for any woman would be that she gets a break from having to fulfill her duties of intimacy with her husband. She has someone else to share in it. Many women relish a break from it. Of course, there are some who may not. I can only speak about me for certain. When he is here I make it a point to satisfy his needs in that department. It doesn’t seem like a chore but is a welcome activity that binds us.

    When he is away, I have time to devote to household chores/cleaning/laundry/ and to run errands/ grocery shopping, general shopping etc. So, when he comes home to me, I am always home and he and and I have quality time together, just relaxing and chilling out with no distractions.

    When he is not here, I get a chance to relax in the house without it having to be in tiptop shape and I don’t have to look my best. I could lounge around in a big ole T-shirt, undies and in the winter – footies.

    When he’s not here I spend time with my Islamic family – wali/bestess usually meeting up for coffee, lunch or doing errands together. We go into the city and stuff like it; although, we haven’t been there in quite some time now. We’ve been friends for about 27 years or so.

    A con is that I don’t like him having come directly from her oppose to from work. It usually occur on shift change days that usually occur on the weekends. (Our schedule consist of three days with me, three with her, back and forth.) I usually try to take a break the first night he’s here with me so I don’t have to go directly behind her. It solves the problem. She’s a grotesque person in my eyes. I say this only because she doesn’t know anything, but sex. She can’t even hold a conversation that is not about her sexual expertise and crap. It appears she values her self worth based on her sexuality. It’s strange, which is an understatement.

    A real pro is that my marriage feels like a dating experience. We are excited to see each other and spend time together. When he’s not with me, I tend not to bother him with phone calls, text or emails or anything. On the other hands, his other seems to blow his phone up. I know this because it happens when she doesn’t know he’s with me and thinks he’s at work or somewhere else. It never fails.

    There aren’t a whole lot of cons. If something comes up in that we are invited someplace, like for his work, we usually only go, if it is to take place during my scheduled time or I go with him, and he goes to her at night, if it’s a day affair. If there is an affair that involves my family and he is not scheduled to be with me, I go without him. I’m with family so it’s no biggy. My immediate family knows he’s polygamous. I don’t hide it. I just say, oh, he’s down the road with girlfriend or something. They know the story.

    I think there are more cons in the beginning stages of being polygamous, as it’s new and an adjustment. Once I got into the swing of things and got through the painful stages of polygamy, it all became quite nice.

    A major con is when you have to deal with a co such as mine who is a greedy, selfish person and wants to take your days from you and do jacked up stuff such as it – for instance try to mess with my marriage by sending me upclose pic of my husband’s naked private parts to show me she had sex with him. But, it backfired – got some days taken from her. So much for her New Year – flaming a$$ hole.

    Well, it’s about all I can tell you for now about it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    January 7, 2014

    @ Gail,

    You can bet your square a$$ when there is money, she will come sniffing back. Even in Pakistan, great relations, but they hear money and out comes the Christmas lists! They keep asking how the business is. Trust me, they have no idea. They think we just have the taxis (and only a couple). We don’t say a peep about the rest. Business is horrible ~ didn’t you hear about the recession in America? laughing

    Even today, my nephew from Florida just called. He’s at JFK, waiting to change planes for his flight to Pakistan. Hubby just ran to the airport to drop off a laptop.

    At first he was going to take my NEW $2000 lap! Ah, hell $%@# no! I can’t think of any reason why a teenage needs a $2000 laptop with specialized accounting software and all my other programs. He begrudingly walked out the door with a $200 Chromebook wedged up his rear. That was it and all. I wouldn’t buy my kids a $2000 laptop, and they are physicians and could probably use them! He needs to put down the crack pipe and come back to reality. Besides, I’m going to Florida this weekend, when will I find the time to set up a new laptop that will be traveling me???

    As he kept talking, he kept digging his grave. “Oh, you can buy another one…” Yes, I CAN buy another, but I DON’T want to buy another because I have this one set up! Geez!!! Give me one good reason why a teenager needs a $2000 laptop! I’m sure there was a few iPhones in the bag, he hauled a$$ out the door before I could see. Tell me why teenagers need them??? These people drive me crazy!!! surprise

  • ummof4

    January 7, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum Laila,

    Sorry that you don’t have a lot of company here. But as Ana says, this is not a first wives club. Maybe not too many wives who married men that were already married do not write because they feel that they will not be understood. We are all sisters here, it doesn’t matter who married whom first, second third or fourth. I believe that some second wives still want to remain a secret or want to feel like they are the only wife. I know a number of good Muslim women who married a man who was already married and they appear to be ashamed of their polygynous marriage. To write on this blog makes them face the reality of polygyny in a different way than just living it day to day. Now that I don’t understand. Marriage is to be embraced and celebrated, Alhamdulillah! But again, that’s just what I think.

    My husband and I both feel that if he dies before me and I decide to marry again that I will marry a man who is already married. A lot of women over 40 would not mind being married to a man who is already married. If they have been single for a while, they would find it difficult to give up all of their independence and would prefer polygyny so they can still have their private time. Unfortunately, most men who marry second, third or fourth wives still look for younger women. My husband would probably not marry anyone under 40, too much drama, he says.

    Allahu Akbar! Everyone stay warm if you are in the US where we are freezing. Everyone in the warm places with the breezes blowing, I plan to go to a place like that in a few months for vacation, In shaa’Allah.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    @Kayg,

    The easiest way to read my story is to scroll to the top of the page. In the category section above you will see a tab for “my story”. Click on it to begin “my story.”

    Please keep in mind the blog will be five years old next month (February 2014). I began the blog when I was two years into polygamy.

    Don’t pay much attention to the dates of the post. I had to change them all so I could put my story in a book like form to read from top to bottom, which is not the way most blog are designed. The dates aren’t accurate; therefore, the timeline is off.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • kayg

    January 7, 2014

    @Ana where would I be able to read your story? Could you post the link? Thanks

  • kayg

    January 7, 2014

    Peace to all,
    I am so thankful to The Creator for this website and for you strong honest women. I no longer feel alone in this! I want to thank all of you for your advice it sure is helpful.
    @ Gail I was very stressed like it was already happening to me…I know sounds strange but I feel like if he is bringing it up that means he is and has given it some serious thought. So I have to prepare myself either way if that makes any sense.. As far as me having a choice…well in my faith women do not have a say on what a man does or doesnt do. He is the leader, he head of the house, and the boss, me I am a servant to him created to help him and support him no matter what. Those are the roles that God has laid out in the Bible and that is what we follow. I love my Creator and will do what He wants and if that means supporting my husband in his taking on another wife well then so be it. I know my Abba Father will get me through this, He has to I cannot do this on my own. I have talked to my husband and said if he ever does get another wife to please consider me and that I will not be able to live in the same house as her. Tooooo close for my comfort I would need a lot of help and right now I think I would lay hands on her…its just the truth. I do not know if he would be able to support another household and according to the faith I follow you cannot take a second wife and diminish the 1st wife food, clothing or duty of marriage or she can leave him. And according to my faith if he does not provide for his family he is worse than an infidel. So he must really think this whole thing out carefully which I am sure he will. He has recently started his own business which is on its way of taking off but for the moment lets just say we are not rich or even very well off. So this whole thing might not happen for some time either way I need to prepare and that is what i am doing talking to you wonderful bunch happy
    @Ana and all What would you all say are the Pros to this kind of life style?
    @ All I think one of the reasons this whole topic has been brought up to me is because I have a best friend who is in the same faith as I she is single and has two small children. Well I love her like I love my own self and I kept bringing her situation up to my husband. Which I just wanted to help her not give her my husband, so I offered her to come live with us and me to homeschool her children and her to possibly work for my husband. All of this was innocent on my behalf I never thought my husband would then bring up her eventually becoming his second wife…. which I think he thinks if she is in his house than he can and should benefit from it. Well to say the least I kinda freaked out and then he said she cant come live here with me acting like this all jealous and selfish. Im kinda caught in between I want to help her but not that she can come and sleep with my husband and be his second wife. So we have been stressed in our marriage and also my friendship with her because I told her what was going on. In the end my husband will decide and I will have to adjust. This is my situation in a nut shell.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    @Jenny,

    Ouch! I am so sorry to hear about your fall. Thank God much that it was no worse than it was. I think the worse part of a fallis the embarrassment should someone have seen it. I know it was the worst for me. You should have seen me jumpin up quickly and pulling myself together. Take good care of yourself. I’m out on the road now, but will be back soon, inshallah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock.just come on in.

  • gail

    January 7, 2014

    Jenny,
    Thank you for your kind words.I know the Serenity Prayer well and I sure will start praying it.It is true I homeschool my children but I am like the strict homeschool mom.My children are on a very strict schedule and I can not imagine having to lug them around all the time and how that is going to play out as even when they are in the home I have to fight with them all the time to keep their things organized and believe me it is an ongoing battle.I can just see it now Mom i forgot to print out out my lessons for LA and Math or I forgot my science book.Just times that by 3 and yeah I know I will blow a gasket very quickly as I already know and have tried my level best to deal this issue.
    I am sorry u fell on your A$$ and hurt your shoulder.I got this mental picture of u doing the splits on the pavement.I so hate winter I won’t even lie.I live in Southwest Missouri and although we are not getting snow as bad as you guys I live in well as my husband calls it the JUNGLE.Actually it is a very rural area in the middle of BFE and every single time it snows we get snowed in and can not get out for sometimes up to 10 days if u can imagine.I am so sick to death of this rural life also.I am ready to move to a larger city and enjoy actually seeing other human beings for a change.
    Take care of yourself not to do anymore pavement diving.lol

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Dear Laila,

    Don’t feel left out. I’m sure there are many wives who married second, but they just don’t write. I really wish they would. Insha Allah, Allah will have more write in. I think many were apprehensive about doing so, as they felt this was the first wives club, which it isn’t.

    KA126 is one sister here who married second; although her husband’s other was in Africa at the time, and she was more like the first wife. Now, the other is here – where ever here is. Gail, married second without knowing it. She is now the one and only. Jenny married second, but is now the one and only. I’m trying to think. I thought there were others here. Did I miss someone? Once upon a time, there was a Mrs.#2. She has since divorced. There were others who have since left the blog. Nura was another, she has since divorced, and is now back in the States.

    Many think women who married second get an easy ride, but it is not the case. They deal with as much or sometimes more than one who marries first. It why we all need to be here and help one another. We have to stop getting caught up in the sequence in which a wife marries and understand we’re all in this together. I have nothing against a wife who marries, 2nd, 3rd or 4th. I do, however, have a lot against my husband’s other, if it makes sense.

    Jenny, I’ll be back to read you. I have to run out and get my coffee fix etc. I think we need to put up a new, post as well. I will look for ummof4′s other comment that I wanted to make into a post. OOooops, Gail, I just saw you. I’ll be back, Insha Allah, to read you too.

    Have a wonderful day or night, all, whichever it is on the side of the planet that you live.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • gail

    January 7, 2014

    Ana,
    I really like what u said and although I wish things could be different I am indeed going to bury the desire and just keep focusing on the future and moving forward with my life.I will be honest I see myself as not being so nice in the future and taking excowife back to be frank.I need her now the kids need her now.I don’t think I would be so willing to share my profits in the future with a woman that did not bother to even lift a finger to call her children.I wanted things to be fixed now.Anyway It is ok I am going to accept it and just move on and I will do the best I can even if it means I have to drag the kids with me but for certain I do not see myself doing this and smiling favorably on my husband to be frank when he is making mine and the kids life much harder than needs be.

  • gail

    January 7, 2014

    Laila,
    YES YES and YES now u get it.It has nothing to do with money or being able to afford or not afford a maid it has everything to do with the love and devotion I have towards my children and in my mind other than me on this earth the only other person I can say hey who really really loves my children as much as I do is my excowife because they are also her children.Even my own Biological son is her second cousin by blood.I am certain a made would be responsible but it can never take the place of a mother and here is where I believe Polygamy has it greatest rewards but sadly so many cowives are so bullheaded and do not understand to have a second pair of hands and eyes and ears that are equally as good as your own is a blessing and not a curse.To have a cowife stand beside and help with each other children I could not imagine a greater blessing to be honest.To raise a family and to raise them correctly is truly the hardest work.I only wanted what was best.

  • Jenny

    January 7, 2014

    @ Gail,

    Sorry I’m a little late to chime in. Gawd, if you could only see the work I have to do!! Also, I landed on my a$$ Saturday ~ fell on ice. Damn cheap people too cheap to buy a bag of salt so people don’t get hurt! I’ll get off my soapbox. Anyway, sprained both of my shoulders and I’ve been in various stages of a codeine haze.

    Here is my opinion on your situation: You must repeat the Serenity Prayer, “…to accept the things you cannot change AND the wisdom to know the difference.”

    You and she do not think the same way. Yes, she gave you her children, but do you think she thought in her mind what was best for the kids? No, she thought she had to do what she had to do to get to the Promised Land. At any rate, whatever her reasons/motives were, it is irrelevant. The situation is out of your control. You have to get over it.

    As far as working on your business and having children ~ Sweetie, I know that feeling well! I have four children under age 4 so I know what it is like! It is like herding a pack of wolves, they just want to run! Yet, we do it! And it works out great! For times when we go somewhere the children absolutely cannot go, I have my niece who watches them. I recently hired an older Hispanic woman to do the house cleaning.

    Every auction I go to I bring all the kids, but my kids are well behaved. If they get tired, I’ll have hubby go back to the hotel room while I continue at the auction (I do all the bidding).

    It is a big bite, won’t lie to you there, but then again, your kids are older, so it should be a breeze! Get them involved in the business!

    The other thing I’ve been doing is I’m moving my mother up here. My youngest son will be here too. I plan on going back to Florida on Sunday for a few days to put mom’s house up for sale, do the paperwork to transfer my bubbe to a nursing home by my office (a nice Jewish one). Sooo many things to do and so little time to do it. Remember Gail, busy is a good thing!!

    Right now I am freezing my tuchas off ~ -20 wind chill!

  • Laila

    January 7, 2014

    Dear Ana, im feeling a wee bit left out. Aren’t there any second wives on this blog of ours? 😊 sorry just so curious.

    Salam

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Kayg,

    Here is the link to the post that ummof4 spoke of and referred you too. http://polygamy411.com/advice-on-how-a-muslim-man-should-approach-a-polygamous-marriage/ It is a very good post, and should be helpful to you.

    If you have any other questions or concerns, just reach out; we are here for you.

    This is an open house. No Need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 7, 2014

    Kayg, in answer to your question, I believe any woman whose husband marries another wife will feel pain. The only exception may be if a woman grows up in a society where everyone is polygynous. In that case she may not feel pain, but she will feel jealousy. Since you husband has already informed you that it may happen, you have time to prepare. Focus on your worship of the Creator, that is where you will find your strength. Talk to your husband about your concerns and if he is one of the good guys he will help you through and reassure you that he is not looking for a replacement wife, he is seeking an additional wife. Another suggestion is to go to a previous thread on this blog How a Muslim Man Should Approach a Polygamous Marriage and look at the suggestions given at the beginning of the thread.
    It doesn’t matter if a couple is Muslim, Christian, Jewish, Hebrew Israelite or anything else, if a woman is not reared in a society that accepts polygyny as a viable, righteous way of marriage, then it will be a difficult process to go through. But as you can see from the ladies on this blog, it is not an impossible process.
    May you manage to get through the process.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    You’ve got to get on with your life, and try not to focus on your ex-co or Pakistan. You’ll only be fighting a losing battle as far as it’s concerned. The people there have a whole different mentality than you. You’ve got your businesses now that should keep you busy along with your family. You have enough love in your heart for all the children. Perhaps, one day God/Allah will change your ex-co’s heart towards you, your husband and your children. Maybe one day your husband will stop being so pig headed, as well. Till then you have to keep it moving. Don’t get stuck in what used to be or possibly could be. Try to stay in the moment and take it a day at a time.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    @Kayg,

    The ladies here are awesome, and give very good advice. Most speak from experience. As spirited stated, none of your questions sound or are silly. The number one thing women consider a problem when confronted with polygamy is the fact that their husbands will sleep with other women. There is no way around it. It’s extremely hurtful and painful for the first wife and usually the additional wife has issues with it, as well, but probably not quite as much as the first.

    Yes, I was married to my husband first. We were married almost five years before he married again. Our lives have been polygamous now for seven years. I suffered and agonized terribly the first few years or so, knowing my husband was being intimate with another woman. Then I was upset furthermore in that my husband’s other had latched onto my husband and dismissed me. My idea was that in polygamy we should all be family and come together for singleness of purpose – to serve Allah. But when you have a woman who supposedly accepts Islam, but do so only to obtain a husband, there are problems.

    Eventually, after analyzing myself and taking a good, long, hard look at my way of life (Islam), I began to figure out why I was in so much pain and what I needed to do to be pain free. I began to refocus my attention where it needed to be. I turned to my Creator for help. At the onset of this lifestyle, I began to do what was worse, turn towards my husband, and become competitive with his other. It’s not a good thing to do, but it is usually what is done by most wives. I had to stop doing it.

    I don’t know anything about your belief, so I couldn’t begin to tell you what to do from that perspective. I know our Creator is the only ONE who can relieve pain and suffering in the heart. He controls the heart and He heals us.

    I can tell you now, I don’t have any pain in my heart at all and am not suffering any longer. It took a good four years to get to where I am now. Being here on the blog and talking with others who were experiencing the same thing as I helped tremendously and still helps. We, however, must do our part. Our Creator created us to serve and worship Him. It’s the only reason we are here on this planet. It’s the meaning of life.

    I suggest you read my story from the beginning to end. A lot of what I went through you may find is what you will or have experienced, as well. A lot of what I experienced I forgot. I have to try to remember it and why would I want to do that? It’s a rhetorical question. To write it out now, I wouldn’t be able to do it, as it seems like a far distant past. You can, however, begin to like this lifestyle and find the good in it for yourself. It’s a journey. A long arduous journey. We were created into toil and struggle.

    “Verily We have created man into toil and struggle.”
    Quran: Surah 90, ayah 4

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 7, 2014

    Spirited,
    I don’t really keep up with Pakistan much these days.Hubby keeps me informed when he is chatting and thats about it.I don’t keep up like I used to.
    I have not talked to me excowife in a year she has stopped calling altogether.The kids birthday is coming up and I am curious if she will try to call or not.Normally she has called in the past but I am unsure if she will try or not.The problem is there is a huge huge family feud that has been going on for the last 7 years and believe me when I say it is not going to resolve.To many people are involved and it is just insanity at the highest level as far as I am concerned.Hubby is saying he will never take her back and I am to the point I am going on with my life and concentrating on my business.I am very disappointed in my husband and his lack of empathy towards excowife but oh well it is between him and G.D now I really have tried my all efforts.So unless some miracle happens polygamy is over for us.

  • Laila

    January 7, 2014

    Dear Gail, what a coincidence! I just replaced my flat tyre and was having a long chat with my brother. happy Please forget about me asking you to take on a maid. Please delete that out of your mind! I’m saying this because, I confided to my brother about my aunt’s antics when we were vacationing. My brother is pretty close to my aunt’s hubby and she painted the picture that my uncle is a looser that doesn’t pay any darn thing for their household. I was so surprised. Looks like he DOES contribute everything. Her salary is her’s completely. Yet the children are rude and arrogant towards their father thanx to her…. His last line to me was this, “See, this happen’s when you allow maid’s to take care of your children from young!… they grow up being arrogant a** h****!”…. I was so creeped out because just last night I gave you the suggestion to weigh your options about taking a maid.

    I get what you’re trying to say and I respect you for that. In many ways you just want the best for your children when you and your husband are away at work. Even I too learnt a lesson here. I was playing with the idea of wanting to apply for a maid. So now even if I do get knocked up, I will try and avoid this whole maid fiasco. It’s not worth it. I’d rather burn myself out then allow someone else who’s a total stranger to do the parenting job!

    Salam.

  • ana

    January 7, 2014

    Laila,

    No, you are definitely by far not one of those greedy, selfish co wives. Have no worries about that.

    Thank you for informing me that Malaysia is a Muslim country. I remember Fatima saying she loved hearing the Azan go off regularly there. She said the people are so nice and it’s so peaceful there. She wouldn’t mind living there. About Mauritius, fish is a biggy there, so I would be right at home vacationing there even if the food wasn’t zanibah or whatever the correct name is. One thing about it, I don’t come home looking like a whale after vacationing and only being able to eat seafood, although I usually do still gain weight.

    Well, I am going to do like Spirited and try to get some shut eye. This typing on the phone is for the birds.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    January 6, 2014

    Salaam all,

    I’m gonna be going to sleep soon, just stopped by.

    @Gail, that’s interesting about your in-laws letting you know how the situation is in Pakistan. Maybe it’s only that level of extreme where they live? My in-laws seem to be life as usual in the area they live. Maybe the outlying villages aren’t as affected as city & near-city areas. I hope everyone you know stays safe. And again, you can only try what you can. You can’t force your husband to get back with his ex-wife. Hmmmm but, I just had a thought. Do you know if there are any specific reasons he has a dislike for her? Maybe if you know what those are, you can let her know, and the two of you can work together to improve the problem areas so he’s more receptive to her? If the problem is just in the family, I guess there’s not much hope there because its not like you can change your entire in-laws sad Sorry I’m not much help.

    @Kayg, welcome to the gang. The question you’ve asked for the time being, this is something everyone has to deal with. Unless you have a low libido and didn’t much care (I know people like that), everyone is bound to get those kinds of feelings you are asking about — envy, jealousy, even anger & rage. There’s a normal chemical & biological reaction that women experience (especially with their very first sexual partner) that bonds them to the man. (Most?) males don’t have this reaction, so most don’t have that feeling of wanting to only stay with one woman. To us women, the idea of our husband sleeping with another woman is just about the worst thing in the world, and there ARE men out there who would never even have thoughts of another woman in their entire lives, but they’re very rare. But most men, they’re all anxious to go taste other women — whether they admit it not.

    Accepting that is the first step to getting a handle on your feelings. Its why God allows polygamy for the idiot gender which is ruled by their reproductive organs. The other thing you can do is turn to God and do more worship, so that you spend more attention towards God than your husband. Also very important is not to let yourself think of what your husband would be doing with his other wife — if these thoughts come up, try to replace them with other thoughts — like of your religion, or even memories or thoughts of what YOU and your husband do. Try to keep yourself distracted or busy when he’s not around so your mind doesn’t wander. From what I have seen, most people use a schedule system of a few days with one wife, then the next few with another, and so on. Some people, like with me, don’t. It would depend on just what works for you. And finally, I would just like to say that your questions are not silly, so feel free to ask anything that you might have on your mind. happy

    Goodnight ladies~! <3

  • Gail

    January 6, 2014

    Kayg,
    Welcome to the blog I am Gail.Your just stressed out and that is understandable at this stage of the game.My advice is just take it slow and think and try your best to keep your stress level under control as much as u can as it will help u in the long run.As far as sharing your husband that is every wifes worst nightmare obviously and loosing half your time.You have to decide alot of things now like number 1 do u even have desire to practice polygamy number 2 if u answer yes to that question how do u want to practice it.Do u want you and your cowife to live in separate homes or do u want to live joint family(live in the same home).Only u and your husband and potential cowife can answer these questions.3 are u the type of person that can see the larger picture and the good in polygamy and fight your jealousy that will obviously come up in the future? These are just a few questions u will have to be honest and ask yourself.Hope that helps to get u started thinking about polygamy.
    Just know whatever u decide keep in your mind Polygamy is not the end of the world.

  • Laila

    January 6, 2014

    Dear Kayg, welcome! Yes a second one whos selfish n greedy will be a long term problem. 😏Hope im not one of them! 😆 Anyway Ana no problem. I understand ur position. But if youre stopping over in Malaysia, i will surely be a busy body n update u on where to go. Food isnt an issue as its a Muslim country. But be alert in Thailand though.After reading abt u just eating fish when ure at certain joints, ive become a copy cat 😆 the last trip was fish…. chicken n beef at ONLY halal joints! Have a superb day ahead! 💜💛💚

  • kayg

    January 6, 2014

    @ Ana thanks for being so welcoming and open. I will take your advice and talk to him. I guess I have so many questions but the most pressing one would be…how do you being I guess wife #1 feel about sharing your husband? I mean his body.. Do you deal with envy and jealousy? Does the husband have a schedule that rotates what wife he sleeps with on what day? My questions may sound silly but to me it is a big deal my husband sleeping with another woman.

  • Aishah2014

    January 6, 2014

    Ana how u say u read something and it appears different…I read ur response to Kayg and read ” welcome to our lunatic abode”… I don’t know how! ! yes she should discuss those things with her hub.selfish and greedy makes for a lot of difficulty in polygamy!

  • Gail

    January 6, 2014

    Laila,
    Yeah I really do sincerely desire to bring her back.I understand what it would mean to bring her back and I don’t want unknown people in my home around my children it is just not my thing but I understand where u are coming from.This is not just about getting someone to watch the kids this is about how I see my family and our future to be honest.Look my cowife as negative as she is she has done some really good things and one thing that she has done that I don’t want to sweep under the carpet here is that she signed papers for me to adopt her only son when he was 4.Now granted she did not do it for me ok she did it because my husband made her to do it.In Pakistani culture the boys live with their parents all their life in a joint family system so for her to sign her only son on my name was a huge huge deal.What she really did was put her entire financial future on the line when I adopted her son.I know I can pay her money to fix her financial issues but that does not solve the problem that she will never live with her children in the same home.It is just beyond so sad for me to be honest.I would hope and pray that if I ever found myself in the same situation that someone would overlook my bad and try to help me.I know majority of the people do not think the same as I do and it is ok and I know I am really emotional at heart but I can’t help the way I feel.Ana and Jenny both know I have not changed my mind on this topic and it has been close to two years now.As far as as Pakistan getting worse it has to do with this Muharam.The Shia’s come on the streets and beat their chest and chant.Seems the Sunni killed some shia then some shia killed some sunni and so on until the government told the entire country they had to stay home and can not come out except between certain hours to buy food and deal what they need to.My inlaws have been staying inside the home so much and my father inlaw says that conditions are just going way down there from what he is saying.

  • ana

    January 6, 2014

    @Kayg, Peace to you too!

    Welcome to our humble abode. I don’t know how humble it is though happy I think there was another “Hebrew Israelite” with us at one time. I can’t remember her name, otherwise, I’d search the comments for her post. We have 24,369 comments on the blog. You most certainly are welcome here. Our blog is for Muslims and Non-Muslims.

    I think it would be easier if you ask more specific questions of us, if you could. One thing I would strongly recommend is that you speak to your husband about the type of woman he intends to make a wife to join your family. The last thing you’d want to get stuck with is a greedy, selfish, nasty co-wife who wants nothing to do with you and your children, but only wants your husband and sit around thinking up ways to take him from you and your children. If your husband gets caught up with one of those, be prepared for it to be a living nightmare, unless he is strong enough to put his foot down or get rid of her. It’s the best piece of advice I could give you off the top of my head for now. Don’t be shy. We’re a friendly bunch. Sometimes we chop off heads, but it could be a bad hormone day for the one who does it – sometimes I’m that one – I may have had a bad day or something – lost my focus. You know what I’m saying? LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • kayg

    January 6, 2014

    Peace to all, I am a wife and mother of 4. Im a Hebrew Israelite but not Jewish. I follow the Laws of the Torah. I hope that will not stop anyone from helping me. I am trying to get insight on polygamy. My husband has made some comments on taking a second wife and I believe he is considering it. I have mixed feelings on it but I know according to the Torah and the Bible that it is permitted and is not a sin. I would like to hear from 1st wives on how they adjusted and what living in a polygamist house is like. Thank you so much.

  • ana

    January 6, 2014

    These smiley faces are driving me Crazy Sign . Since we can’t preview them before publishing, I think I’ve got the right code and then see later it’s not. sigh

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 6, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    You and Josh are such sweethearts. Thank you for your hospitality. I can’t remember for the life of me the place in Thailand Alex nieces’ friend said we should go. She told me like 5 times, and I just couldn’t remember. When I get a free moment, Insha Allah, I’ll email her so she can put it in writing this time. After Fatima raved about how wonderful Malaysia is, I’m dying to get there too. Laila, me coming out of incognito Cool is scary for me LOL. So, I don’t know how that would go. Yeah, I’m a bit weird like that… maybe cuz I’m not really a people person hee hee I’ve got issues. Oh, well, anyhow I just got in from doing some shopping at Whole Foods and one of Jenny and my favorite places – COSTCO, so I better go put the things away. Insha Allah, I’ll be back shortly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    January 6, 2014

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    @ina, my story is a bit complicated but I’ll try to keep it brief, my husband and “other” are childhood sweethearts but never married, when I first met him he had 2 children with her and their relationship was coming to an end, at first our relationship was completely platonic. After the birth of their 3Rd child their relationship was over and we got together and had a child (my oldest son). Fast forward 8 years. My husbands dad has been Muslim since he was a teenager he gave us some dawa and alhamdulilah Islam became our way of life. astaghfuilah we lived as Muslims but we’re not married. Alhamdulilah 1 year ago we took that step and decided we have to marry if we wanted to continue our relationship. He spoke to the shaikh who said sooner the better and told him (my husband) to return tomorrow after asking my wali and we would marry on Friday (4 days away). Before coming home to tell me the news he went to ” others” house to let her know we were going to get married ( I have no idea why he had to tell her, marshallah) so he tells her and she says her dad has been on her to get married and she would prefer to marry him ( my husband) he said yes, but he is still going to marry me if I agree to ploygny. Well I didn’t and said for him to just go and marry her. We took some time apart and he agreed to just marry me. And you know the rest from my last post.

    I know exactly where your coming from with the anxiety and worry, I didn’t just wake up and be Ok with him wanting to marry her,it took time and still some days if I think too much and let the whispers get to me all the old feelings come back. When he goes to pick his kids up and comes back and say ” I need to talk to you” my heart stops and I’m like ” this is it he going to tell me he’s getting married again” BUT I quickly remember Allah, I repeat His names, recite an ayat, go over the advice from this blog, then I feel good again, I come back to reality. This is the advice I will give to you, stop, remember, recite. I find my favourite ayats at these time’s are ‘ verily in remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest’ and knowing nothing happens unless Allah has willed it.
    You can do this ina Allah’s promise is true, we have to put Him first and the things we’ve been ordered to do and Insha’allah all will be fine.

    Much salaams

  • Laila

    January 6, 2014

    Dear Ana just read your post to Josh in regards to you and Alex travelling to Thailand 😊…. I travel to Bangkok quite a bit, just in case you both are stopping over there do update me. I have a list of superb hotels and places to shop! Hehehe….. and if there’s time…. do make a stop in Malaysia. We are next door neighbours 😎 Maybe I can be your host here.

    Salam

  • ana

    January 6, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Josh,

    Josh I am so happy to know you Dancing Happy Star. As Spirited said, you would make a terrific travel agent for your country. You don’t know how excited I am about possibly (Insha Allah) going to Mauritius later in the year or the beginning of the 2015. I’d have to avoid cyclone season. Insha Allah, Alex and I would make three trips out of one – London, Mauritius, and Thailand. I spoke with him about it and he gun ho. It’ll be my treat (I’ll pay for it). A friend of Alex’s niece who is an acquaintance of Alex and I advised me of a nice place for couples to vacation in Thailand where we could get super spa treatments .

    I contacted the concierge at the Le Touessrok Resort and inquired as to whether the food served there is halal. She replied saying, I could rest assured it is. My wali/bestess said I should contact them back and specifically inquire as to whether it is “Zabihah” (the prescribed method of ritual slaughter of animals, excluding sea life). Insha Allah, I’ll do it when I finish typing here.

    I pray all is going well, for you Josh, with regard to your marriage. Are there any new developments or is everything status quo?

    @Fatima,

    You probably laughed your @$$ off when you read my post, asking about your husband’s tubal ligation. I got a good chuckle out of it myself. I’m somewhat in a daze lately LOL. I don’t know what’s my problem happy

    I better run. Be back later, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 6, 2014

    Dear Gail, just read your post….. hmmmmm….. are you REALLY ready to bring your co back? Sometimes from my own experience, it’different when we wan’t something and when it really does kick in, are we mentally and emotionally ready? I can read between the lines and feel that you must be getting really stressed out with not having a solution. In my country, we can apply for live in maids, I am aware that it may not be the same as what you would want, but that could work. Gail, i’m
    way younger and inexperienced compared to you but I think your hubby is really done with your co. He probably doesn’t want anything to do with her further. Sometimes men also have their complex issues and their nature is such, they don’t want to talk about it. So do take that into account. Can I ask you something, why do you say Pakistan is getting worse? Sorry just curious…. 😆

  • Spirited

    January 6, 2014

    Salaam all,

    Couldn’t sleep so just dropping in for a quick message.

    @Josh, you would make a great travel agent for your country big grin. I hope all is well on your end.

    @Gail, you know the saying “what will be, will be”? As you know, God has His plan & its true that He doesnt just give you what he has planned, sometimes you have to strive to get what you should have. I would say that you have done a lot of striving. But I don’t think it is worth damaging the relationship between you & your husband. It doesn’t make sense to have so many arguments over this.

    You also worry for the care of your kids when you will be busy with your business, why not get a nanny or babysitter? Or maybe daycare for the little ones if the older ones cant care for them? Just some suggestions there. I would really just say that you make your desires & position clear to your husband & ex-cowife then leave it to God & the two of them, & concentrate on your important stuff.

    Again, that’s just my 2 cents, for what its worth & seems to make sense to me laughing. Alright, talk to you ladies later.

  • Josh

    January 6, 2014

    Asalamwalaikm Ana!
    Im happy u did a research on Mauritius.It is found in the Indian Ocean.It can be classified as an African country as the country constitutes of African,Indian,Chinese origins.It is a multi-racial country…
    We have public holidays (bank holiday) for New Year, Divali,Eid, Spring Festival for each and every ethnic…We can practice our religion freely here!
    Yup ‘Le Touesrok’ is a nice hotel and one of the best here classified as a 5 star one….
    Insha Allah u n Alex hv a nice upcoming vacation!

  • Gail

    January 6, 2014

    Ana,
    You are exactly right on every count.We argued again tonight on the same dang topic and it is really getting annoying.My husband and cowife are what I like to call officially Muslim but believe me when I say I am the most religious out of the three of us.The things they have done I would never even think to do in 20 lifetimes much less one.I agree with you I am very controlling but then again so is my husband and my cowife tries to her way by being manipulating.We all three certainly have are issues no doubt.lol
    Your also correct and I have told my husband this very thing that even if we brought her back that this is life and we would still fight and argue because it is life.
    My husband has zero and I mean zero interest to bring her back to the point I feel totally annoyed by him because I am going to be working so much the next few years and I am getting stressed out what I am going to do with my kids.I can’t just drag them with me everywhere I go.Hubby is going to be busy with me also remodeling homes and apartments to get them ready for rental so I am perplexed.I ca not count on my inlaws as they are getting to old to deal with the children.It really is a need.My husband has considered sending the children back to Pakistan to live with his sister but that is not an option for me as I can not live without the children.easy answer is to just bring her back.I don’t see religion as problem somehow we are making it work and as u know I am pretty open to Islam but it is truth that I love Torah and love Kabbalah very very much.You know I am same like Jenny basically.It is also truth my children love Judiasm and identify with Judiasm but I do not feel at all that is a bad thing although in Pakistan it will get u killed another reason I will never let my kids go to Pakistan without me.Pakistan is going so down these days sadly.I know u do not have any answers for me it is just good to write it all out it helps.

    Ummof4,
    For some strange reason his family is not getting her number so I can call her.I do not have her number.They are trying to keep me from contacting her I feel.He says he is not but it has been over a month and still no number.

  • Spirited

    January 5, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    I’m so sleepy right now, so I hope I make sense. Every time I sit down thinking “ok its been a while, I should write in reply to this point here” then I somehow end up falling asleep at the keyboard laughing Its only 8:30pm for me, but you should see how hard it is to keep my eyes open! lol, the results of waking up at 4am and just being awake since then.

    Most of the things I wanted to respond to are kind of old now, but I remember Ana had said something about how sometimes women try to stop their husband from walking on Allah’s road by stopping them from taking more wives, but then in another post, she also said how most men aren’t following Allah’s road anyway. I was going to say that same thing, that to me, most of these polygamous husbands seem to be driving in the opposite direction, lol. Just cherry picking pieces of Islam that they like and ignoring the rest, and yet the 1st wife is expected to instead just become the best muslimah in the world. rolling eyes AAAANYWAY, let me see if I can remember anything else I was going to say in my sleepy haze by going over all the new posts again.

    @Fatima, congratulations! I hope your pregnancy goes well and you have a healthy child. You ladies always make me so envious with your families laughing Insha’Allah, someday soon, I can join the ranks of “mother” also.

    @Gail, I wouldn’t say weird, just different, more mature, more in control of yourself with an eye on what matters more (in your case, I would say the family as a whole and the children). So, it’s not bad, but just like you can’t stop the idiot gender from marrying more women, you can’t force the idiot gender to take back someone he divorced. I don’t really have much else to add about it. I can definitely follow your train of thought and how you must want everyone to just live in a nice big happy group, but, well…it looks like the main thing would be between your husband and ex-cowife.

    @Rasha, I just wanted to add my vote of confidence in you. Just keep on trucking on and asking for Allah’s help, Insha’Allah, you’ll have it big grin

    @Marie, hey there, always good to hear from you, I hope everyone is well!

    @Ina, I think i might have missed welcoming you. Belated welcome if so! Happy to have you be a part of the gang. You’re surely going to get a lot of great advice here, as well as some things that make you take a critical look at yourself. Everything helps, in my opinion, but you have to put in the work (really focus on what’s important and that would be Allah first, then yourself!).

    Ok, I’ve spent like an hour (I think I fell asleep laughing ). Hope I don’t fall behind again. I’ve been kind of busy with a few things around the house. First, I’m selling my car so I’ve been tackling scammers left and right. Then, it ended up that the house’s water pipes froze because the genius who piped the house had them along the outside wall so with the recent -0 temps, they froze. Thus, no water at all for 2 days. No flushing, no washing dishes, shoot no washing faces or brushing teeth or showering even! The plumber was able to permanently reroute the water, avoiding where the pipes go near the outside wall without having to do the entire house’s pipes over, so we finally have water again, yay! Man, seriously, it was definitely a not-pleasant experience…

    Well, time for some overdue sleep. Apologies to anyone I may have glossed over in my sleepy state. Oh and if you ladies know anyone who may be interested in a 2007 Mustang GT California Special, pass on the word that you know a person who’s got one for sale winking As always, much love and prayers for you all!

  • ~Fatima~

    January 5, 2014

    @Gail.. Thanks for the Congrats.. Yes its a shocker out of this world.. Geesh.. I just turned 45.. talkin about late pregnancies….
    Good grief.. Im not taking it well, at least not these past few days..
    @Ana.. No hubby didnt have a tubal ligation..but I think you meant me.. lol.. me ..He has prostate problems and was on a medicine that prevented any pregnancy , but hes been off of that for a year now..I had problems getting pregnant before with some tubal blockage but somehow those little suckers swam past it, it seems.. LOL
    Yes perhaps his family will accept me.. but I am not sure since he has not seen his son over there in a few years.. He doesnt talk about that side a all and I dont ask..
    Actually this past week hubby has been having reoccuring prostate problems and needs to g back and see his doctor..
    Its cold here an schools are closed tomorrow for the bitter cold weather, although we are not expecting
    as much snow as st Louis got which is almost 12 inches ..
    The wind is whipping around ourside now.. Glad to be home here in my warm home..
    I

  • Rasha

    January 5, 2014

    @ Ana

    I’m not oppose to any of you women in polygny. I applaud all of you. Check my last post 😊

  • Ina

    January 5, 2014

    @ Rasha,

    I was fortunate that I did come across this blog 3 yrs ago and came to the same conclusion as you have now. I remember Ana saying that polygamy may be a hard test but there are worse tests that could befall each of us. I hope you will be able to resolve matters with your husband.

    @ Marie,

    I know you are right…I am the only person who is suffering by dwelling on my husband wanting marrying another. I am trying to accept it and get on with my life. …but there are times when it’s hard to think straight…especially during moments of jealousy.

    I don’t know/remember your story but I am curious about your husband and the mother of his first 3 children. Were they married before and then got divorce and now want to remarry?

  • ana

    January 5, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    Your situation seems so convoluted. There’s ex-co wife’s family involved, your husband’s family involved and you and your family (husband and children) involved. It may be easier to come up with a workable solution if only you, your husband, the children and ex-co were involved. Then, with it only being you, your husband, the children and ex-co, problems would still exist, simply because ex-co is Muslim. You are borderline Jewish. Your husband say’s he is Muslim. The children are being raised Jewish with an education on various religions. You all are all over the place.

    Your husband could remarry your ex-co and they could agree that it would be a sexless marriage. If they did come together intimately, although they agreed not to, it would be okay, as they are married. She wouldn’t be able to come live in your home with you and your husband without being married as it would open the door for the haram.

    Then what will happen should he remarry her? How would the children be raised? She’d want them to be raised Muslim and you’d want them to be raised Jewish and I don’t know how your husband would want them raised. He seems to blow (in the wind) where you go. It seems you would dominate your husband and the co.

    Furthermore, it sounds your husband really has a deep dislike, maybe hatred for his ex-wife. He may not be attracted to her whatsoever. He seems to have made it clear he wants no part of her. You can’t force him to want what he doesn’t want. It’s weird in that there are women who try to convince their husbands not to marry another but, in your case, it is the opposite. You’re trying to convince your husband to get with someone he doesn’t want. It sounds he detest his ex-wife.

    It’s a huge discombobulated mess. Do you have any idea how it could possibly work? As ummof4 stated Allah has it figured out. It’s going to be what ever it turns out to be, as He wrote the script. We just don’t know what was written.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 5, 2014

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It is said we can’t even rely on or trust our own senses (It could be because Satan creates false illusions that seem real). We have to rely on Allah swt for everything. It’s so true. I just glimpsed over your post to approve it. What I read (at least I thought I read) was, “Girl, you sound so weird to me.” LOL I’m like- whoh, what has gotten into ummo; it doesn’t sound like her at all. She’s loosening up up in here laughing Then I read it again and saw, “Gail, you don’t sound so weird to me.” It’s amazing how it seems our eyes play tricks on us.

    Let me go read your comment. I read Gails and I felt as though I was reading a darn good novel. It brought tears to my eyes. I’m so confused about what to think regarding her situation with her husband and the ex-co.

    @Fatima,

    So you’re expecting. It’s a shockerooo. Oh, my goodness, the twins are going to have a new brother or sister, Insha Allah. It’s wonderful. Remember what Gail stated here before? She said it is important that a wife has a child when she’s married to a Pakistani so she will be accepted by the family.This could be the tie that binds you to them. Anyhow, it was just a thought. I thought you had said your husband had a tubal ligation. Well, nothing is 100% but Allah swt. Furthermore, those could be reversed. Keep us updated on the developing little darling. happy

    @Marie,

    I don’t know how I keep up with everyone’s story anymore myself. It really isn’t that easy anymore as we’ve had so many newbies. When I think of Rasha I think of Ruquyya for some reason. Maybe because neither of them want to embrace a polygamous life, and are struggling with the prospect of it, opposed to those of us who are already in it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 5, 2014

    As-salammu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Rasha, I am glad that we are a help to you. May Allah grant you the best in this life and the next. According to what you have said, the best for you now is to stay with your “good guy” husband and give polygyny a second try (if it ever happens.) Leave the past in the past and focus on a successful future, In shaa’Allah.

    Gail, you don’t sound so weird to me. I also want to make sure that my co-wife receives the same consideration from my husband as I do. Right now, she gets to be with him a lot less than I do, and I am coming up with ways for him to spend more time with her. I pray that both myself and my co-wife are righteous wives for our husband in this life and the next. However, even though I agree that your feelings are well-intended and correct, you are not in control of the situation, Allah is in control. Do you think it would be a problem if you got in touch with you ex co-wife and asked her what she thinks of the situation and what she wants to happen? You don’t want to open up a can of worms.

    Allah loves those who obey HIM. Let’s try to earn His love.

  • Gail

    January 5, 2014

    Rasha,
    I am really happy u found the blog and I feel you are a really good person by heart and u will make the right choices for you and your family.Polygamy is so hard but strangely the things I thought would be hard were not hard like sexually sharing my husband.Strangely not hard.Sharing the kids thought that would be easy VERY HARDDDDDD.What u think and what is reality usually is very different.
    I am curious what is disturbing u the most about Polygamy.Normally It seems with most woman it is sharing your husband sexually it seems.I can’t speak for others but the way I resolved that in my mind was this.It is not debatable that the prophets did have multiple wives so it means G.D/Allah is ok with this concept as he accepted the Prophets.So I just told myself he is only using cowife and myself only for his needs.If u think about it logically and more deeper and your honest with yourself their are times that u just do not feel like having intercourse or just can’t like when your Aunt Flo is visiting and believe me those times come in real handy to have a cowife.That may seem insane to u now but honestly it is a help and the icing on the cake is if u get an understanding cowife and you get this life long bestfriend that u would never have received had you not practiced polygamy.Now granted in majority of the cases this don’t happen but u can always pray for the best.

  • Gail

    January 5, 2014

    Ana and ummof4,
    Thank u both for your responses to my question.For some strange reason this question is sitting very heavy on my heart these days and it is running very deep.I now am at a crossroads in my life it seems as I am studying and researching daily for my new business and I have a very strong feeling given time my investment business is going to do very well.I feel like i am totally on the right track but no matter how hard I try I feel like I can not shake this feeling about my husband and his lack of empathy towards are polygamous situation basically.On the outside I am very calm cool and collected for the most part but on the inside I am screaming and very very put out by him for being so pig headed when it comes to the family needs and in particular my personal needs or excowife personal needs when it comes to raising the children.I have to be honest here I homeschool my children and have done so for the last 6 yrs.I love homeschooling and I honestly feel my children are book smarter than most adults.If done right homeschooling has no limits as to how educated a child can become in my opinion.So for that reason I would never consider public school system for both moral and educations reasons but thats just me and my personal feelings towards homeschool verses public.Now in saying all this on the flip side Homeschooling is sooo hard and I honestly at this point in my life since I am studying to start a new business I revisited the question with my husband to please just talk to excowife and see what she wants she has had a year now to decide what it is she wants with her life.If she would like to rejoin the family or move on with her life.Ok granted she has not called but knowing her the way I do she is not calling because hubby told her he is ever taking her back.Second I told the kids to tell her when she asked when we are coming back to Pakistan to tell her we are not coming back which is the truth but we failed to tell her that hubby was testing her to see if after he blew her off if she would still call back.My husband insisted we put her through that silly test to see if she would indeed call back which he was certain she would not.I asked him Why on earth are u doing like that he said because he wanted to see if she cared about this family or not and he was certain after he told her to basically kiss off she would not call back.Well he was right she didn’t call back and now it has been a year.I did not agree with his methods that day and why I went along with it is beyond me.I guess because part of me thought she would call back I don’t know but it was stupid because I believe kindness is always the key not this testing kiddy stuff.
    Ana I have even went as far as to tell hubby everything is fine just call her and tell excowife straight that he has zero interest in taking her back as a wife but if she is not going to remarry and would like to rejoin our family unit as just a family member and live with us so she can live with her children and help me raise them then this is an option for her.Basically I guess what I proposing that she live with us in a polygamy type situation except without sexual relations.I know this sounds so weirdddd to woman here on the blog but Pakistani woman live like this it is their culture.
    See Jenny excowife she is living like that.Also I don’t want people thinking I am only doing this because I need help with my childrens homeschooling which I DOOO but it really has more to do with trying to do the morally right thing and before anyone ask me If I be would completely open to sharing my husband with my excowife should he choose to take her back again in the future I can honestly say YES as we have already traveled down that road and that would make me so happy if this situation could somehow be fixed but right not I am not hoping as much.
    I feel like I am in this very strange unique situation where I am raising my excowife children and knowing that on some level my children are being deeply disturbed by all this situation of not being able to live with excowife.Hell I am disturbed seeing my daughter get teery eyed and fighting back tears when my excowife is mentioned or all the children stop talking and get silent when hubby and I are talking about her or in most cases bickering.We try to not do it around the children or not use names but my kids are very bright and they understand very well who we are talking about.
    The bottom line is I am driven to fix this situation and I mean driven to the point my brain is not going to let it go until I hear out of my excowife mouth she is ok and not disturbed and is at peace about this entire situation.I guess I need to hear that from her mouth before I myself and the children can be at peace.I wish I could say ok I am going to let this go and mean it but the truth is I feel I can’t.I will tell u the reason why if I let it go then I myself will never have peace until I know 100% my cowife yes cowife is at peace.To write this out sounds crazy but these are my feelings and I just don’t know what to do with them.Everyone here on the blog talks about wanting for your cowife what u want for yourself I can honestly say I 100% understand that concept and live with it every single day.I do not know why G.D has placed this so heavy on my heart but it is there and she has everything to do with my children and their happiness and my whole concept of a happy family.I have this idea of how I want my family.I am raising my kids to be G.D fearing,Honest,never lie,and most of all forgiving and loving towards others.
    I know most of u will think I am insane knowing that my excowife agreed for her husband to marry me only to get immigration and be silent about it living with me for years and never saying a word and all the time weaving a web so that she could get control of my inlaws home and all they possess.
    For some unknown reason my and my excowife paths have crossed in this lifetime and I feel so strongly as much as I was meant to marry my husband I also feel that strong towards her.It is strange but from day one I have also said When I see my cowife I see myself it is like looking into a mirror.I feel like she is me and I am her.These are not just words I mean them from my heart.Over the years I have felt her few joys and all her pains.I am the type of person I can not be happy knowing her life is a complete mess.Her father died 3 months ago and her family is so poor and her mother as best I figured out is very greedy and cruel woman.
    Logically everything in me says let this go I won I have my husband and her children I WON and I was innocent in all this etc.. but their is this seed inside of me that screams NO do not willingly let her fall.Here is the visual in my mind.My cowife and are fighting and fighting and she knocks me down and i fall over the edge of the cliff only to struggle and pull myself back up just to see her standing there laughing at me.She did not push me over the cliff i fell over but she did not help me get back up and instead of helping me when I was down she was laughing at me.When I get back up and we start struggling and fighting again this time she goes over the cliff and I reach over and she is hanging on to a rope and I am trying to pull her up but my husband is there with a sword held in the air holding above his head in process to cut that rope and I am screaming with everything in me NOOOO.He cuts the rope and I grab another part of the rope and I am just looking at my husband what he has done and to help me but instead he just walks away and I am left with her silently hanging on to the rope that I am holding knowing I can not pull her up alone and knowing if I let go she will fall and all the while my children are standing behind me watching me what I will do.
    Anyway this is and has been my personal struggle dealing with polygamy.I just don’t know how to let it go.

  • Rasha

    January 5, 2014

    @Marie and the rest of You
    Jazakumallahu khayrun
    Your words along with the other sisters’ have been truly healing to my soul. It’s hard to feel like you are the only one you know dealing with a specific trial. Knowing that I’m not alone and that there are sisters like me going through polygyny is very very humbling. I find it funny that I didn’t come across this blog three years ago. It could have saved me some pain and suffering.
    May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala reward you ALL for you words of wisdom and encouragement. Through this medium I have realized beyond any doubt that IT’S REALLY NOT SO BAD. In fact if WE handle the situation correctly and with faith it could be our ticket int Jennah. And maybe just maybe because of the bonds that we are making here and the constant remembrance of Allah that we preach, Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala will bless us to know and be able to identify one another in Jennah with rivers flowing beneath and all our hearts desires. AMEEN

    I love each and EVERYONE of you Fisibillah 😘

  • ummof4

    January 5, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Gail, I do not believe that you disrespected the Qur’an by your statements. I agree that with Muslims from certain countries the culture is more important than Islam. Many of my friends from India/Pakistan have told me that they began to learn true Islam when they moved to the United States.
    However. I believe this is the same in any religion, the culture may be more important than the religion. Adultery is considered a sin in Islam, Christianity, Judaism and most other major religions, but look at how adultery is viewed in this country. Most people don’t even see it as a sin because the culture is at a point of low morals. But most people in this country see polygyny as a sin. How backwards is that?

    May Allah guide us all to a life of righteousness, serving Him in the way He commanded us to serve Him.

  • Laila

    January 5, 2014

    Dear Ana, your most recent post is a good read to me. Its opened up my existing view on Islam. Tq for the good write up.

    Salam

  • marie

    January 5, 2014

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    Insha’allah everyone is well, @billy thanks for your book titles, I find myself saying these things when people are winging about silliness and forget to take the advice myself when “other” acts up.

    @ rasha and ina, I write to you both as I may mix your stories up (I have no idea how ana keeps up) what I want to say is try not to dwell on ur husband marrying another, my husband wants/wanted (not sure if he still does as I don’t ask anymore) to marry the mother of his first 3 children. His plan was to marry us both, I kicked up a fuss went crazy and all the rest. In the end he only married me, I felt selfish and that I lacked in faith as I could not
    Accept polygamy and “want for my sister what I want for myself ” so I asked him to give me time to “get it together ” this just made me dredging the future and and made me feel depressed, I have now realised that “time” is not something my husband can give me or gave me. Time in its self is Allah’s so if you ask ask of Allah. We’ve been married for a year now and alhamdulilah iv learnt to accept polygamy as much as I can without being in it. My husband has still not married the mother of his first children. Which brings me to my next point, Allah is in control of all of the heavens and all of the earth, and only He will decide if or when they marry. They are in constant contact because of the children my husband has had many conversations with her father/wali, they both want or at least wanted to marry each other but they haven’t as of yet, and unless Allah has written for it to happen they won’t. But all the same I’m not worried anymore. Now I could have spent the last year sad, depressed and nagging my husband not to marry another. instead by the will of Allah I have had a very happy first year of marriage, with they knowledge that nothing happens without the will of Allah and no amount of crying and arguing with my husband is going to prevent what’s all ready written. It will only result in my own unhappiness. And highlight my ungratefulness to Allah for all the mercy He has shown to me. And for what? Because I don’t want to share smh, and who knows we 3 may never have to. Please keep your head up and count your blessing.

    Much salaams

  • ana

    January 5, 2014

    @Ina,

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Welcome! I’m so happy to meet you and I’m glad you’re joined our blog sisters here. You said you’ve been reading the blog for quite some time now. It’s nice you’ve joined us in conversation. It’s good to know the blog has been helpful to you, as well. Alhumdulliah. I so grateful to Allah swt for all whom He sends here.

    Regarding your story, sigh It always baffles me when I hear that a husband announces to his wife while she is pregnant that he wants another wife. It seems to me to be the most inopportune time. It is, however, Allah’s time, so we must go with it, and not question it; I know. What was amazing as well was that he was easily receptive to divorce.

    Ina, whether your husband had married a woman two or three years ago, marries her now, or next year, you will still feel all of the emotions you’ve described and you will go through all that you have been going through and maybe more. There is no way to avoid it. I don’t know one woman who hasn’t experienced it to some degree or another. We didn’t grow up knowing much about polygamy and it was never our dream. We have to unlearn all that we’ve learned.

    I’ve spoken so many times on the blog about what Allah speaks of in the Quran – the diseases of the heart. We need to ask ourselves what those diseases are. If our hearts are in pain, there is the disease. The pain is caused by the disease. The diseases are all we’ve spoken of: jealousy, envy, rancor, hatred, selfishness, greed, etc. It all comes to surface when faced with something to bring it out. Yours diseases, the same as everyone else who has been confronted with polygamy, has become active, so to speak. We could say it had been in remission. Now what to do about it?

    Allah swt tells us to cure the diseases of the heart by way of the Quran. You have to start learning and living the Quran. He tells us that we cannot enter Paradise with a diseased heart. So, here may be your trial/test and an opportunity to treat the diseases and get your heart purified, so you can heal.

    Allah says he tries us by way of others. The others for you could be your husband and whomever else he marries. No one said a test/trial is easy. Allah asks us if we think that we would enter Paradise without being tested like those who came before us. Do you think their tests were easy? Did they bail out and flee from their tests? The believers didn’t.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 5, 2014

    @Dear Gail,

    With regard to your question, what happens to the women when the men extract the part of the Quran that deals with polygamy to live by and reject the rest of it, when it comes to Pakistan, the people seem to be in their own little world. Culture prevails there. They may have a few who live Islam according to the Quran, but I don’t think the majority does. Hence it is why their condition is as it is. Otherwise, they’d be flourishing, prospering, would prevail and be triumphant.

    I don’t think Pakistan is a country in which many of the women practice their way of life (Islam) and the men don’t either. The males and females are in the same boat. Their is no injustices. So, for the men to accept only the Ayat in the Quran that address polygamy, and ignore the rest is no different than the women who take the part of the Quran that says children are to be kind to their parents and obey them to mean the women become the children’s Lords (They take the saying – not from the Quran – that Paradise is at the feet of the mother to mean they rule the child’s life – tell them to jump and the children are to ask, how high.) They’ve got their own thing going on over there.

    Allah swt gave us the Quran to follow. I view it as my Constitution or my Blue Print for life to follow, so to speak. If Muslims lived Quran, as Allah instructs us, the Muslims in these predominately Muslim countries would be prospering and they would be flourishing the way the first generations of Muslims did. The first generation of Muslims were victorious and triumphant.

    Many Muslims today do not accept ALL of the Messengers; they divide their religion up into sects (Sunni, Shites and whatever. Muslim should simply say they are Muslims. It is what Allah swt named us; there should be no other distinction); they have prejudices against others based on race and color (Arabs think they are the chosen ones; light skin Muslims, don’t like dark skinned Muslim); there are those who commit shirk; they can’t mention Allah swt or the Quran without mentioning something or someone else along with him they don’t offer salat and they follow lusts. The list goes on. Things are way different today for Muslims than they used to be. Allah swt says:

    “Those were some of the prophets on whom Allah did bestow His Grace,- of the posterity of Adam, and of those who We carried (in the Ark) with Noah, and of the posterity of Abraham and Israel of those whom We guided and chose. Whenever the Signs of (Allah) Most Gracious were rehearsed to them, they would fall down in prostrate adoration and in tears.”
    Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 58

    “But after them there followed a posterity who missed prayers and followed after lusts soon, then, will they face Destruction,-”
    Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 59

    “Except those who repent and believe, and work righteousness: for these will enter the Garden and will not be wronged in the least,-”
    Quran: Surah 19, Ayah 60

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 5, 2014

    ummof4,
    I understand Islam pretty well and I know woman are allowed to work in islam and get an education etc.I think u misunderstood what I was saying.I was just using Pakistan as an example and am curious how does a muslim woman get around the fact that her husband has his own personality that may or may not line up with the Quran.Alot of men want to practice polygamy and throw the Quran in the womans face but on the flip side they will not allow their wives to work due to culture frowns on it.I know in my family not one woman works or ever has.Yes they are educated to BA degree but they never have worked because he men thinks it looks bad if their wife works.Like they can not support their wife.
    My point is every culture has their own flip side that don’t exactly line up with the Quran that was what I meant.I don’t know how woman get around that.Rasha had brought up her husband is not exactly wealthy so that is why I mentioned to her to protect herself I did not mean any disrespect against Quran.

  • Gail

    January 5, 2014

    Fatima,
    Many Many Congrats…I am so so happy for you and your husband.How amazing is that.Gosh I am just so amazed! I am very curious what is your age if u do not mind me asking?I am very close to 43 and not using BC you popping up pregnant kinda freaks me out that maybe that could happen to me.lol
    I don’t believe in taking BC but I only have one ovary.Yeah u have officially freaked me out LOL
    You must must keep us posted as to how u are doing.Are u hoping for a boy since u have already have two girls? Are u in shock as much as I am?hahahahaha

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    & ummof4

    My husband isn’t the type to do polygyny and then leave me hanging. He’s a good guy 😊

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    @ummof4
    Wow! You really g me figured out. I tried to be understanding but I wasn’t that good at at. I had undertones of judging cuz I didn think he went about the last situation the right way or lived in it the right way. I don’t want to be in iddah.
    But he out me in it because he was tired of my silent suffering. And you are right he has given me time but I’m in iddah which is so dumb. And yes I probably did need some tough love which is why I’m in this situation. Nothing happens without Allahs permission. Now my husband is unsure of what I want. Hell I’m unsure. I love my husband and I want him to pain because of me or him vice versa. Deep down inside my true self is probably more like you and billy. Unfortunately everyday my lower and higher self battle one another. Ya Rabb give me the strength and patience and know how to be better.

  • ummof4

    January 4, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ina, my husband and I were married for nine years before he married a second wife. I had two months to prepare for the transition. You have had several years, Alhamdulillah. May Allah make it easy for you and your husband and his new wife.

    Gail, thanks for asking about how Muslim women protect themselves financially. You have a lot of experience with Pakistani culture, but it does not appear that you have a lot of experience with the teachings of Islam. First of all, a Muslim woman can work to make her own money as long as her employment does not violate the laws of Islam (e.g. wearing revealing clothing, being alone with men, lying and cheating, etc.) The income that a Muslim woman makes is her own to dispose of as she pleases. That is why some Muslim women who make lots of money do not pay the bills – they use their money for other things like giving charity, buying non-essentials for their families, paying for hajj or vacations, etc.

    Muslim women are encouraged to marry men who can afford to keep them at the same standard of living they had with their father or better. It is the role of the woman’s walee (guardian) to make sure that the husband can take care of the wife financially. My husband made sure that my daughters’ husbands could provide for them, which included looking at their paychecks.

    I would say that the majority of Muslim women in countries that are more technologically advanced have careers or businesses to make money. This is primarily due to the level of education that the women receive. Since many women have their own money, they do not feel the need to make sure that their husbands give them a large mahr(dowry) or put property or stocks in their names. If their husbands die or they are divorced, the women are capable of supporting themselves and their children.

    I have not worked to pay household bills in over 30 years, but I do make money on a regular basis that I spend as I like. My husband has to pay all the household bills for our household and his other household. He is not wealthy, but is willing to work as much as it takes to provide for his families. Due to my level of education and skills I possess, if something happened to my husband, I would be able to provide for myself financially, Alhamdulillah (All praises due to Allah).

    Once a Muslim woman decides to become a slave of Allah she knows that Allah will provide for her in all situations. We don’t worry and stress over finances and don’t feel a need to constantly earn more money or gather more possessions or property. However, as Ana has said several times, it seems that the more we spend in the way of Allah, the more Allah gives us.

    Are Muslim women rich by their efforts and the blessings of Allah? Yes. Do we own property? Yes. Are we dependent on our husbands financially? Yes, because that is one of the rights given to us by Allah. However, any Muslim woman can assist her husband any way she desires in a financial manner.

    Everyone have a nice night, In shaa’Allah.

  • Aishah2014

    January 4, 2014

    Fatima, wow it is amazing how Allah works!! Congrats” now you gotta research the line of skin cream for big belly care

  • Gail

    January 4, 2014

    ummof4,
    I was not aware that a Muslim woman could not ask for more dower or property in her name if her husband decided to take additional wives.Logically speaking u would think there would be some protection for her in the case her husband decided to divorce her if he gets into polygamy and then sees he can not handle it.If this is the case then I think Muslim woman should ask for a really huge dower and make certain she gets at least one home on her name.I don’t know that may not be Islamic either to over ask but I am left wondering how does a Muslim woman protect herself with so many rules on her head.What I mean is this not only does she have to follow the Quran but she also has to deal her husbands culture as in Pakistani culture where the woman in Pakistan the majority don’t work.How do woman protect themselves financially?There must be some logical solution I would think.
    In Rasha case I think her husband is just not being totally fair to be honest.I think someone may have given him the idea or he come up with the idea to just call Rasha’s bluff and giver her a talaq.If I were Rasha I would try polygamy but I would make sure my standard of living and my children would not suffer because my husband wants to get his groove on while I get 1/2 than what I had to start with but that is just me.Also Rasha could hypothetically correct me if I am wrong but talk to her husband about financial matters and come up with a workable solution to start a business.I keep bringing up finances because she mentioned her husband was not very well off financially.

  • billy

    January 4, 2014

    i still can’t believe he reads this site!!!!!!!!!!! he never told me he did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! haha lol.

    i love him

    and no… i’m not just saying that cuz i know he’s gonna read it ::innocent look:: i really do love him..i swearz.

  • billy

    January 4, 2014

    great now he’s gonna read that and make me workout after the smores. dang it, i should have kept my mouth shut, ana do me a favor and delete the workout comment and then delete this comment..destroy all evidence of me claiming i’ll work out. he’s gonna hold me to it.

    who am i kidding you wont do that.

    you’re probably sitting on you chair laughing

    “haha.. alex..this idiot has to workout.. and i could save her.. but i won’t…cuz its funny…”

    okay lol forget it.. i should workout.. i really need too.. had way too much coffee today, the calories add up. confusedhaking it off: smores time.

  • billy

    January 4, 2014

    I GOT MARSHMALLOWSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BEST HUSBAND EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    u see, sharing does have its ups. alhamdulilah. gonna make me smores.

    now i’m a little creeped out he knew by reading my post on this site. i mean he def can’t read my mind…or can he?

    j/k…

    lmao i bet he is reading my posts.

    if u are i <3 u. thanks baby. stop looking at my internet history though its a little creepy. soon you'll notice my dating profile, and that's not something you can come back from… haha.. i kid i kid.

    i got marshmallows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (its a big deal cuz we're all snowed in lol. you're all probably like.. wth its just marshmallows girl relax.. but u try getting marshmallows in this weather!!)

    marshmallows came with a price.. 3 step kids and a hubby.. gonna go make smores with them now. and him of course. god my mouth is watering. going now. sorry. sorry. i really need to s'more myself up. then i'll work out, i seriously PROMISE i WILL workout. wallah. no joke. stop judging me. sad

  • Laila

    January 4, 2014

    Dear Ummof4….just love love and love how u explain matters! 😚 Your advice is simply inspirational. May Allah s.w.t. guides me to be the best wife a husband can have and that we are both on the road towards Jannah 💝

    Dear Ana, i think ive become a bit better as my mentality has changed so much. I no longer fall for the modern day ideas that somehow has made my goals, needs etc twisted. E.g. many are of the idea that polygamy is such a disgusting act. Like my own sister has put it once, “its a man way of controlling women”. I just dont see it that way. Why is it when a man has an affair people generally are much more understanding? Like oh hes just going through a phase, he will come out of it. If there are kids from it, then its okay, lets come to a decision of deciding how much money is needed in terms of child support. In Islam, at least the woman is a wife, and is treated respectfully….. i believe that men by nature sometimes want more. It can be seen throughout history. In Islam, they validate that and provide a legal and proper avenue. Which i am accepting of as its more organized. Men are held responsible and accountable for the second, third or fourth marriage. 😊 Just my thoughts thats all.

  • ~Fatima~

    January 4, 2014

    Hello All..
    just checking in.. I have not been feeling well lately and found out I am 2 months pregnant..
    Hubby was ecstatic.. but I thought my child bearing years were over.but apparently not.
    What a surprise indeed..
    But I am sooo sick.. nausea and I thought I had the flu.. till they did a blood test.. never in my all days would I have imagined this..
    Its been almost 15 years since my last pregnancy..
    Will keep you updated on how things go..

  • Ina

    January 4, 2014

    @ Gail,

    Thank you for the welcome. I find your story and many of the other ladies here very inspiring because despite what you have been through, you have ended being stronger person than you were before. I tell my husband that acceptance is not going to happen overnight…it’s going to take time and he’s got to be patient with me when I get mad with jealousy.

    I think you said once that you often remind your husband about what he did to you, make him feel some of the pain that you felt. I don’t want to make this situation easy for him…why should I? I want him to know that I am sad and in pain about what he is about to do. I want to hurt him back, I want him to feel some of my pain.

    @ Ummof4,

    How long were you married before your husband first became polygamous? I know who my future co-wife is but at this point in time I have no interest in knowing her. I just feel I would cope better when it’s out of sight, out of mind.

    I feel very much alone in this. I have spoken to a couple of close friends but they are not muslims and don’t understand why I would allow my husband to marry another. They even suggest that he have an affair to “get it out of his system”. No wonder so many men are having affairs…it seems women would rather their husband have affairs rather than marry another. I do not like the idea of sharing my husband but I would respect him less if he had an affair.

  • ana

    January 4, 2014

    @Billy,

    You are a woman after my own heart. Yellow LOL I think you understand me. I could see how it would take a huge adjustment to go back to Monogamy again after having finally accepted polygamy LOL

    I like the woodchuck chuck wood tongue twister you mentioned. I’ve never heard it before you said it. Alex had heard it before. He said it easily.

    Billy, you should consider writing that book. We all need to take heed to what you said. We make a mountain out of a mole hill with this polygamy thing. It’s not all that. In the beginning, yes; it’s a huge adjustment. I truly believe it’s all about purification of the heart. If we put our focus where it belongs – on Allah swt – our lives would be full of peace and contentment as Allah says it will be. Many don’t like to hear they are weak in faith. But, it’s the truth. If we are going through a thing and can’t make progress to overcome it, we lack faith in Allah and we need to refocus. We all need to grow closer to Allah swt regardless of what our level of faith is. If someone says they are prevented from focusing on Allah due to the polygamy problem, then they need to push through it and focus harder. Allah swt say persevere. He didn’t say, give up.

    Billy, you may have a point there that “C” has a lack of love for Alex. Anyone who truly loves someone would hurt when their love ones hurts, and wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt them. Now, some may say, well, if it’s the case, the husband wouldn’t engage in polygamy, as it hurts the wife. No, the hurt the woman feels stems from the base emotions in her heart – jealousy and envy, for instance. Our husbands aren’t responsible for what we feel in our hearts. The husband is only doing what he’s permitted to do.

    ummof4 touched on what Allah swt says in the Quran – Don’t make unlawful that which He has made lawful. When a woman tells her husband she doesn’t want him to marry another due to her selfish reasons and the husband desires polygamy and has an opportunity to engage in it – she’s hindering her husband from the path of Allah. She’s trying to get her husband to put what she wants before what Allah swt say he is permitted. ummof4 said a mouth full when she said the husband may be strong in faith to say he’d divorce his wife who refuses to accept that he marries another.

    @Laila,

    I can’t recall who said women living polygamy walk about with a smile on their faces while suffering inside. i dont know Many of us don’t. I’m glad you’re with us Laila. You are inspiring. It would be nice to hear from more women like you who married their husbands second, and have a good relationship with their husbands (not perfect relationship, as no one has one).

    This is an open house. No need to knock.Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 4, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,
    Ana, yes it was me who planned my first co-wife’s bridal shower and waleemah. She wanted a small ceremony and no party, but I said, no way! Every marriage should be celebrated, polygyny is not something to be hidden away like it’s a dirty little secret. (Unless it starts out wrong with adultery and may be a dirty little secret).

    Rasha, you say that you needed more time to adjust to the idea of your husband having another wife. How much time would you need? Two months, six months, a year, two years, five years? Is he supposed to wait until you are ready or until he and the sister he is marrying is ready? Look at the fact that he has not married the other sister yet, so duh, he is giving you time to get your mind right. Instead of using this time wisely and working through your issues, you are spending this time in iddah. Sorry, if I seem a bit harsh, Rasha, but you sound like you needed a dose of tough love.

    And as I stated, you and your reactions are the reason why he is not being open with you. Change your thoughts and actions and words and ask Allah to help you control your emotions. Then you and your husband could discuss your marriage in a calm manner. Most of the Muslim good guys do not like a lot of drama. They would rather be silent and walk away than stay and argue.

    Sumaika, I believe that no wife should argue and nag all the time, whether her husband has one, two, three or four wives. Nagging is often a learned behavior; we learn it from the older women in our families or from our friends. Nagging rarely has a positive outcome, neither does arguing.
    This type of behavior is also not good for one’s character and does not move one closer to Allah.

    To all my Sisters, instead of nagging, arguing and demanding things from your husbands, try another approach. Don’t argue, nag or demand for a month. Observe your husband’s behavior – what pleases him, what displeases him, when is the best time to talk to him, when is the worst time to talk to him, does he like to talk about his day, does he like to leave his work at work, what does he like to do with your children, what chores does he like to do, what chores does he want to learn to do, the list goes on. After a month, do the actions and say the words that will bring about the result you desire. Men are usually not complicated, we just have to learn how to live the best life possible with them.

    I have a very strong personality, but with my husband I have to be soft and gentle. My children often tease me about this, but they love the fact that I can be strong-willed when I have to, and soft, gentle and playful with their father. They all say that they want their marriages to be like their parents’ marriage – solid as a rock. One of my favorite songs is Through the Years as sung by Kenny Rogers. We will all have marriages that are sometimes like a roller coaster ride, sometimes like a slow boat floating down a lazy river, and sometimes like a car going down a hill with no brakes. Salah, du’ah and remembrance of our goal of Jannah keep us going strong.

  • billy

    January 4, 2014

    if i ever write a book about polygamy, i’ll entitle it “shut up and deal with it” or “stop whining, you have your limbs” or “at least you’re not in a war torn country” or “look on the bright side, its not aids” or “imagine it was raining blood.. makes your issues seem tiny huh?” or “he could be six feet under. suddenly the other wife is a trivial matter huh?”

    i could go on and on.

    tee hee*

    lol i’m kidding.

    but i’m also not.

    but i am. lol.

    but i mean, worst things can happen.

    or worse.. yeah i think i meant worse (for example, your knowledge of the english language could be slowly seeping out of your mind and you only notice it when typing in polygamy411, case in point, myself lol)

    people need to start being thankful for what they have. and accept what they don’t have.
    the world would be so much more at peace.

    i have something that’ll make everyones life much more easier.. you either love your husband enough to share him.. or.. you don’t..

    case in point, you ana. its obvious you really love alex, hence the sharing.. meanwhile its obvious his other one isn’t as in love, emotionally anyway, hence the insanity.

    maybe i’m just reaching.

    sigh.

    i want marshmallows.

  • Laila

    January 4, 2014

    Dear ladies, are we really dying inside n managing a smile on our faces? Seriously? …..Just to set matters straight, im not! I like the idea of polygamy and ive never been given less by my husband. Please whomever said that line, please be mindful. A Muslim lifestyle is different than of the normal day nonsense that takes place. E.g. my husband being married only to ME n having loads of girlfriends outside n being a father to kids out of wedlock. That would kill me on the inside. Im a bit direct because just of recent someone made reall shallow comments about polygamy. Remember, the Muslim way of allowing a man to marry more than one allows a method to not indulge in zina. Which today has become a modern day in thing and where eye brows arent raised rather its more understood. Im about to do my morning prayer. Have a good day ahead.

    Salam.

  • billy

    January 4, 2014

    ana,

    lol i was about to mention yesterday morning “dare i say he’s extending his stay with you?” as a tease, as in, haha i know her punishment.. (before you said what her punishment was. i read between the lines babe!)

    lol but you being stuck with him this entire time?

    strange how her punishment is also yours?

    JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    lol i know you love him and love your time with him.. meanwhile you’re thinking “yeah.. dumb punishment.. i had plans this week”… lol just messing around. but it would have been a good joke to tell alex… like “wait wait.. this is HER punishment?! dude!! i had plans this week!!” just to get him all like “whhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat????????????????” and teary eyed. i’m so evil. lol.

    just messing, i know you love your time with him.. but for me lol, it’d be a punishment.. i’d be all like “nooooooooooo. get awayyy. its my time dudeeeeeeeeeee. i had plans with selena gomez and they did not involve you!!” great now i wanna watch monte carlo again. i wonder if its on netflix or hulu yet.

    god i’m such a child sometimes

    its that second cup of joe.. puts me in everytime.

    ^-^ how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? i don’t understand the “if” part of that line.. why else is it called a wood chuck? if it couldn’t chuck wood it wouldn’t be called a woodchuck. duh. right people? right?!?!

    gonna go make snow angels now. i’d make a snow man but i lost a glove yesterday and i’m so down over it.. it was from henri bendel and they’re sold out already so i can’t replace it. i miss it. this is why i don’t want kids.. they lose their gloves, ask to borrow one of yours so they’re not obliterated in a snowball fight, then they lose your glove.. meanwhile you should have known all along that they’d just lose your glove like they lost the last zillion pairs of theirs, which would explain why no one else offered up one of their gloves. meanwhile kids are dying of hunger sad now i’m sad thinking of hungry kids. no more snow angels sad

  • ana

    January 4, 2014

    I can’t keep up here. I’m a trying.

    ummof4,

    Wasn’t it you who said you helped your husband and his new wife with their Walima? You helped with their Nika? Who ever it was, I admire the person. It takes a lot of strength and conviction to do such a thing. You probable racked up a mega amount of barakats (blessings) for that one happy It’s admirable.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 4, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    I had to fix my previous posts. I wrote them earlier from my phone and it didn’t allow for paragraphs sigh

    @Billy,

    I can’t add much more to the answer to your question. Dear Gail said it all. Is it “weird” that you have no schedule and it’s working? I’d say heck yeah it’s weird. Allah swt is allowing it to work for you and your family. I don’t know many living this life without a schedule. I’d say you’re unique and in a good position.

    Again, I say you have an awesome personality and disposition. It would be unusual for someone not to be able to get along with you, unless you’re dealing with haters.

    I pray the best for you and your beautiful family. You could be our prototype for the polygamy 411 winking

    @ummof4,

    After I read the book, “From Monogamy to Polygamy”, I felt myself beginning to heal to a certain degree. I found the book very helpful. I looked for other books like it and I couldn’t find any that I thought were good. There was one written by a young sister-in-faith who was college educated, had a very good job and the like. She unexpectedly found herself in polygamy. I didn’t want to buy her book because based on the except she seemed extremely bitter and angry. It reflected in her writing style. I’m like – I don’t need this.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    @ Laila

    He says that he would be more open if I was more open and not judgmental. Which I’m trying not to be but I’m so afraid of what the outcome might be

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    @ummof4
    I do deep down inside value my husband for putting Allah before me. Polygyny is halal not haram. I just wanted him to give me time between the last divorce and taking on another. I wanted time to get my mind right. In that request he denied me. He still hasn’t remarried but I’m in iddah. SMH

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    Thank you Laila

  • ummof4

    January 4, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Ana, it is the same book. From Monogamy to Polygyny: A Way Through by Umm Abdurrahman Hirschfelder and Umm Yasmeen Rahmaan. The publisher is Darussalaam The publisher has branches in Riyadh, Pakistan, USA, UK, France, Australia, Malaysia, Singapore, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Sri Lanka. That pretty much covers all of us on this blog. If you can get this book and read it, please do so! If you have already read it, it’s a book that you can read more than once and still gain benefits.

  • sumaika

    January 4, 2014

    Assalamualikum. Hope u al doing good. It seems like most of the ladies here are first wives. I just wanted to update that my husband can’t get bookings and won’t be coming on the 7th as he said he would. Whatever Allah has written that is what will happen. I did argue with him regarding this but realised there’s not much I can do but leave it to Allah. I noticed that my husband tends to get angry quicker when he’s in india and its not me and my feelings. He said so himself to me that he doesn’t know why he gets angry so quickly and he just feels to fight. I read somehwere that a man prefers to be with the wife who doesn’t nag and argue all the time. Is this true ? Experiences ? Thanks

  • ana

    January 4, 2014

    Oh, Gail,

    I just want to quickly say, you are correct. I did and do believe that Alex and “C” ‘s relationship appears to be solely sexual in nature. Everything I have heard from her and I know of her is indicative of it. Even as far as the recent pic she sent me of Alex’s private parts confirms it. She prides herself in her sexual expertise, and has no morals or sense of shame. Marriage is not supposed to be based on lust. Her and Alex’s “marriage” was built on a very weak foundation, which is bound crumble.

    This is an open house no need to knock just come on in

  • ana

    January 4, 2014

    @Valuable Star,

    I’m not fully awake yet, and actually I’m about ready to go back to sleep. I, however, just read your post to Billy and I’m a bit bothered by it. We are not here for your research project. We are real live people trying to cope with this lifestyle (polygamy) and trying to live it in order to please our Creator. I don’t think many of us have time for your project. We are trying to help each other with real-life situations. I would prefer that you come here with some input that would be beneficial instead of trying to extract from us for purposes not beneficial to us.

    @ummof4, wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Yes, it is fine for you to recommend a book for us to read. One that I have read and others have suggested here is, “From Monogamy to Polygamy” a way through it. I think it was the title, off the top of my head.

    Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All

    Insha Allah, I’ll get back to you a bit later. Have a wonderful day or night, which ever it is where you are on the planet.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 4, 2014

    Dear Rasha, I apologize. It didn’t occur to me that your husband doesn’t give you the right to ask anything pertaining to him taking on another wife. That’s ridiculas!!! When my husband started a fling with another I asked hime who she was and what’s her background. I did it not to play the role of mother hen but to know who’s going to be joining our family. Yes, my co-wife and I don’t talk and aren’t on good terms but my co-wife at some point did call me to enquire about this new woman. So…. it’s not decent of him to start up a polygamous lifestyle and not update you on it. Of course you would be scared out of your wits! As far as wealth is concerned, he MUST share information on what he plans to do and how he’s going to be able to run the show. Shutting you out and expecting you to play along isn’t right. Gail is right in some ways. What is it that he finds attractive? …. With me my husband finds that he feels young again and that I treat him well in the sense I don’t nag and order him around. Sometimes I do though happy hehehe…. but seriously, this mentality of wanting to be polygamous and expecting you as a wife to shup up and not ask to many questions is unacceptable to me.

    Salam.

  • ummof4

    January 4, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum Rahsa,

    I just read your last post. It is understandable that your husband does not want to talk to you about his upcoming marriage. Your behavior probably made him feel as if you didn’t trust him any more as a husband. When a wife tells her husband (who s trying to be one of the good guys) that she would rather divorce him than be in polygyny, the husband hears this, “I love you so much that I don’t want to share you. I don’t want for my sister what I want for myself. I don’t believe that you will be fair and loving to me after you marry another wife. You are not capable of loving and caring for two women at the same time. I want you to make me your object of worship and do whatever I say and whatever I want.”

    If your husband will not talk to you, can you write him a letter or send him an email that he will read? Maybe this will break the ice and you two can communicate in a civil manner.

    Surah Tahrim in the Qur’an speaks of an incident that Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) had with some of his wives. They told him that he smelled bad after eating honey and he vowed to never eat it again. Allah reprimanded him and revealed Surah Tahrim Ayat 1: “O Prophet, Why do you forbid that which Allah has allowed to you, seeking to please your wives? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Surah Tahrim Ayat 5 “Maybe his Lord, if he divorces you. will give him instead of you, wives better than you – submitting, believers, obedient, turning to Allah in repentance, worshipping Allah sincerely, given to fasting, previously married, and virgins.”

    This is food for thought for all of us. Allah told the Prophet (SAWS) not to obey his wives if they tell him to make haram (unlawful) what Allah has made halaal(lawful). The same applies for our husbands. They should not obey us by making haram what Allah has made halaal.

  • ummof4

    January 4, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Gail, it is not part of Islam to give another (mahr) or for a wife to demand more money from her husband if he wants to marry another wife. The wife does not have a right to approve or disapprove her husband’s marriage; she has rights to fair treatment, equal time, and no change in her financial situation due to the new marriage. Muslims have to live by the laws of Islam if they are truly striving for the Jannah (Paradise).

    Rasha, the feelings you have are similar to ones I have had. I know that it’s difficult to get over the pain of a failed polygynous marriage. It hurts when you reach out to your husband’s second wife only to be rejected or for their marriage to fail for reasons that had nothing to do with you. It’s not easy to try it again for fear that you may get the same results. My advice is to ask Allah for strength and try it again. Your husband may be having the same doubts that you are having; men just don’t talk about their feelings much.

    We have already talked about the issue of your husband not falling for your threat of divorce if he married another wife. That shows that he is a strong Muslim man who loves Allah more than he loves you. Believe me, every Muslim woman should want a husband who loves Allah more than he loves her.

    For the third time, I advise you to ask your husband to end your iddah and the two of you have a good heart to heart talk away from your home and family. Have a good heart to heart with the sister he is planning to marry with the ground rules laid out before the meeting. Start off his new marriage with good intentions on your part. You will be cautious, and rightfully so, based on your last experience.

    Ana, can I suggest a good book to read? This is the book I would have written if I had written a book. Alhamdulillah, the sisters saved me the work.

  • Gail

    January 4, 2014

    Rasha,
    I read your post.Listen you have to make a believer out of him.In other words you do not give him an option.His Mr.Higher than thou attitude (means G.D mentality in case u are not from USA and understand my slang) has to be stopped.That is your absolute first priority.In other words point blank his disrespect towards you must and I mean MUST stop and you are the only one with the power to stop him from blowing u off so to speak because when he says he acts like that towards you that is 100% not to be tolerated and I would seriously advice you to go to him again but this time tell him straight how the cow eats the cabbage and what u flat expect from him and believe me when he sees u are not going to put up with his crap he will get a whole new respect for you my dear.
    If he is not willing to listen to you then tell him straight to his face when he feels like growing up and stop acting like a 2 yr old child give u a call and walk out and do not contact him again.You just need to let him know straight and put him in his place.It seems he has had way to much reign at playing the BOSS and this is where it got you.Right now polygamy is not your biggest problem getting your man to stop acting immature towards you is your biggest problem.You must and I can not stress this enough get your house in order and that means your husband bad attitude against you.
    Rasha woman that take up for themselves and do not bow down to their husbands get respected so much more by their husbands.I am not saying u are doing this or have done this but it seems kinda that is what is going on and if u are to save your marriage it really must stop.I am curious the woman that he wants to marry what is her personality like will she put up with his not having to answer for his actions to her?Don’t take this wrong but there is something in her that he is attracted to u need to find out what that is.Maybe it is as simple as sex or it might be she is very outgoing or wild or has a big mouth and talks back to him and don’t put up with his bull crap.Whatever it is that he is looking for u need to kinda figure out what that is all about don’t stress on it but just be aware of it is what I am trying to say.Like I will use Ana as example she believes Alex had this Sex thing with C so it was a lust thing for Alex as far as I understand Ana to believe in her case understand.In my case my husband used me for Immigration Greencard.Everyone has a story if u don’t know your husbands story try to figure out what it is and what makes him tick is what I am saying.Knowone knows your husband better than you.If u want to make your marriage work u can.Another thing do not and I mean DO NOT let your husband see you sweat and what I mean by this is even if u are freaking out that u do not really desire divorce thats fine but do not let your husband see that.Do not show him your weakness right now.He has to see your strength right now.
    Rasha one more thing how certain are u that your husband really desires to remain married to you? that is also key here in this situation because if he really don’t care if you divorce or not then he will let the divorce go through is my guess.So my advice is if u want to save your marriage u have zero time to waste and u need to get busy figuring out how u will live polygamy.Keep in mind that the other woman chances are she might be telling him it is ok she will take care of him and not to stress out over you AKA.. let your first wife go I don’t need the hassle understand if u read between the lines.I am pretty certain if he has another woman and I am not at all certain from what u have stated he has a serious other but if he does he would be confiding in her more than likely and his focus would seem to be more on her and her wants and needs than yours because lets face it new relationships are very exciting and fun.The new has not worn off so if he does have a serious other then keep that in mind as well.I don’t know if the other woman on the blog would agree with me or not this is just how I see things I have always been super strong with my husband and shoot I even try to get him to take his excowife back and he refuses.I will say this though I was really whiny up until last year.I completely changed and I am so strict now.I told him straight if u want someone else there is the door get to steppin but once u walk out do not look back.I also have let him know that I do not intend to sit around crying over his A$$.I went as far as to talk to my first love and although that is not really cool it sure did the trick to let him know someone was sure interested in me.Even my ex went as far as to tell me to divorce my husband and marry him on more than one occasion this past year.So my husband knows well not to screw with me.Again sounds bad but dang you gotta do what u gotta do some of these men are so pig headed.

  • Valuable star

    January 4, 2014

    @ Ummof4

    I am currently doing a research on Human psychology and need to know this new aspect of love and relationships. Its really something very new, unbelievable and amazing to me. People now believe this type of lifestyle no more exists and prevailed when women were helpless and had no option other than living her life as per their husband’s expectations….
    But now here I saw Women who are self dependent in all aspects trying to deal with it or living perfectly fine with it!!

  • Valuable star

    January 4, 2014

    @ Billy

    I have now gathered the idea polygamy works well if Husband is fair and just regarding his time and money. I am surprised its working well with you people even without any schedule!!

    Please if you don’t feel offended I wanted to know without any schedule too is your Husband devoting his time equally among you too, then what about vacations with him, nights with him… etc.

    I can understand if it works well now but How you controlled and managed your emotions during their Honeymoon phase and polygamy was introduced to you??Also what about stability at Home without knowing whether he would come to you or not??

    Is it because you and your co-wife both are believers or Husband possess good Leadership qualities, is very loving, caring and makes sure you both feel loved and is above Lust??

  • Laila

    January 4, 2014

    Dear sisters, Ive been a total bum today. Woke up in the afternoon! I don’t know why on earth Im so tired. But after taking a cold shower, Im feeling much better happy Thank you for all the support given, maybe you ladies are right…. someday she will know and figure it out. I take total comfort in Allah s.w.t. knowing all and seeing all. happy

    Dear Rasha, Ive been reading closely and I am a bit taken up with how FAST things have unfolded with you. The last time I think you were venting about how to cope with jealousy and all, and now you’re in Iddah?!… Well whatever you do, please make sure it’s a solid choice, meaning no turning back. I have mentioned about my aunt complaining non-stop about her husband on my vacation. In my 32 years of life, and now in the part of marriage…. I believe that sometimes we don’t know what we have till we loose them. Men are different Rasha. I too in the past heavily contemplated divorce, and my husband backed me up. We both were mentally and emotionally drained. I expected him to come crawling to me but he didn’t. Yes. I felt bad and upset and a bit depressed. I thought of all those years that I have put in my effort in running our household, miscarriages and me understanding our polygamous set up. Mind you, Im a revert. Polygamy isn’t part of my culture.

    After we got cordial and discussed what we should divide or let go, we BOTH realized our mistake. Prior to that I had asked Allah s.w.t. to show me as to whether divorce is on our plate. You touched on your husband being not wealthy. Guess what, mine was just a normal regular joe working in his company. When we got married somehow Allah s.w.t. blessed us. We have a home, cars, my business and he’s been promoted so many times. Hes now a vice president of a division. I am very very grateful when I look back …. I am totally humble at what we have been given and are to receive more. Polygamy or polygyny isn’t going to be a smooth ride. I too have my days when I went here. I too have my blues, and wonder why on earth are some matters so hard onto me. Nowdays, I just accept and move on. Life is all about trial and tribulations. It’s how we perceive them and manage them.

    You’ve said that he’s a good man, then why are you letting him go?…. Are you ready to be on your own? I know many women out there are capable and can take care of themselves, but you know this man. He’s your other half. Why don’t you talk to him when the situation is right? It won’t be easy trust me. But why don’t you at least try? Jealousy isn’t something that’s going to vanish overnight. Sometimes along the way men will say real stupid things too. Like once my hubbs said, he treats my co-wife like a best friend. I was burning! I ignored him for a few weeks, till he asked me what was bugging me and I told him he can run off to his “best friend”….. That’s the kind of drama that takes place in our home. I don’t know as to whether jealousy will go away completely or not. All I know is, after a while it doesn’t bother me anymore.

    I like what Ummof4 stated. We aren’t crying inside and putting a happy face outside. Many non-Muslim women view polygamy as a modern day slavery to one’s husband. It’s not! Some women choose to share, and it works. It’s better then being a mistress your whole life and not putting a label on your relationship. In my opinion, when a husband doesn’t sit arouend the whole day, goes to work, brings back bacon, is clear on how to run his family, and is not a drug addict, I am a happy woman. The extra things that a man does then for his wife is a bonus. I try not to get carried away with silly “modern” ideas that have been my philosophy in the past. I don’t make my husband do what I know he’s uncomfortable with, e.g. flowers. My husband is the type to buy when he feels the need arises. When Valentines is around the corner, I don’t leave hints. He doesn’t buy on that exact day as he feels that valentines isn’t part of the Muslim culture.

    In the past I used to think love is exclusively for just one man and one woman in a relationship at any given time. How wrong I was! Sometimes it doesn’t work that way at all. Take note that your husband has told you of his intent way before he got involved with anyone. Yes his second marriage proved to a disaster, sorry for the choice of word. But nothing is perfect Rasha. We learn, manage and move on. Perfection in terms of my marriage would be my co-wife finally accepting me and we are like sisters. That’s perfection! All I know is, when things aren’t going my way, Ive learnt to keep mum and turn to Allah s.w.t. Somehow the patience comes when I place my forehead on the prayer mat….

    I hope what Ive typed out is useful to you.

    Salam.

  • Rasha

    January 4, 2014

    @ Gail

    My husband isn’t wealthy at all. I seriously doubt he would give me another dowry. But I might just put that on the table. My husband up to this point doesn’t feel that he can or should answer any of my questions questioning him wing polygamous. So with that it makes open conversations virtually impossible. This is why I say there is somuch unknown and that totally scares me.

  • Gail

    January 4, 2014

    Ina,
    Welcome to commenting on the blog I am Gail and since u have been reading for awhile I assume u are pretty familiar with my story by now.I want to say it seems to me you are just feeling the first stages of polygamy.The jealousy,grief,sadness,desperation,anger,craziness,feeling of hopelessness.Did I cover most of it?lol Yeah I been there done that and if is a really lonely place to be.I lived in that dark hole for 5 year before my husband came clean and told me what i kinda already suspected.I have to tell you though that dark hole (I describe it as a dark hole) you are in only u can get yourself out of that dark hole.I lived in that dark hole so long and I remember thinking back dang everyime i got a little happy and a rope would fall down to me and I would start climbing that rope for dear life and by the time i got to the top i was so tired but happy to see light and I would get to the top and then i would think oh oh i am going to get out of this damn hole and low and behold every single dang time my husband would be standing there and kick me back down or cut the rope and down I would go back into the bottom of the hole.I know this sounds like some dream I was having a night in my sleep but it wasn’t I lived 5 yrs in this hole that my husband yes my husband created by his twisted lies and manipulation towards me.When the truth finally came out I did not get out of the hole right away took another year.It was not until i joined the blog here and realized I was not alone and other woman were going through this same crap that I started getting my power back.Day by day and little by little I started getting my personal power back and Oh Glory to G.D one day my husband and I were driving to walmart and I looked out the window in front of me as sure as I am alive I saw myself climbing up out of that hole and my husband was there as always but guess what on that day something inside of me said GO AROUND HIM and that is exactly what I did and all of a sudden I was out of the hole and I saw it close up on the road right in front of my eyes.I knew at that moment I was completely free from that dark hole and it would never be coming back.Now I can not explain for the life of me how all of this was so real to me and if other woman in polygamy have had this thing happen to them but whatever dark force was surrounding me those 5 yrs left me when I regained my power/personal energy.I should mention I have completely changed and I am not the same person I was and I am so thankful that I had this experience happen to me because I do not believe I could have ever been this strong had polygamy not happened to me.Now in saying all that I still struggle with my inlaws and my husband and his culture but thats to be expected I think.Life is not perfect.

  • Gail

    January 4, 2014

    Billy,
    I don’t think it is weird at all not to have a schedule if everyone get along and is happy.A schedule is more for people that don’t get along and have to have the schedule to survive and keep the peace.It is kinda like having an alarm clock.My grandfather woke up every morning at 5 am all his life and never used an alarm clock one day and was never late to work one day.He was so dependable that my grandmother used him for her alarm clock and she was never late to work either and she worked with the public school systems 40 yrs.My point is your do what works for you.Your way many not be my way or my way may not be your way but that is ok and what works for me may or may not work for you.That is why i love love love this blog everyone here has great advices and we can take what we need and leave what we don’t need knowing that we all have polygamy issues in common.

  • Gail

    January 4, 2014

    Rasha,
    I would like to comment on your situation.I think in all honesty u have to first decide if you really want and can accept polygamy number 1 and if you say u want to try then I think u have to just close your eyes and jump of that cliff so to speak.
    I would not worry about your husband and his lack of empathy or emotions toward you as that is nothing more to u than a huge wake up call on your part I would suspect.My husband told me men have affairs and mix up with other woman simply because there is no tension when he goes with another woman.He does not have to worry about a complaining wife because the other woman is all turned on by him and showering him with your the best this and your the best that etc.. I think they only enter Polygamy to try to minimize the sin so to speak in most cases if truth be told.There is the 1 % that might be doing it for the right reasons but those men are far and few between.I totally agree with Ana in the fact that most men take another wife for lustful reasons.Now in saying all this I am going to blunt here 99.9% of men are lustful at some point in there lives and well lets face it the facts are there to prove it with adultery and divorces etc..So my point is do u want to loose the father of your children just to marry again and take a chance that the next guy is going to be faithful?That is the choice and the risk u will be have to be willing to take should u seek divorce or go for option B to never remarry to save yourself the hassle of dealing with men in general.
    Now lets say u decide on option A to keep your husband and not divorce you can sit down make out a list of what will fly and what will not with you.For example u may say u want to live joint family and u don’t want to have a schedule and u want your childrens lives not to be affected and not to change.You can also demand to talk to your cowife and tell her the same thing.and ask her straight what her must haves must be.Bottom line u 3 can sit down together and make your family unit rules.Also u can ask your husband straight if he has some kind of sexual issue as to why he wants to take on another wife because logically polygamy is not making sense to you.Again my point is anything goes in this conversation and all cards must be put on the table and also flat out ask your husband and your cowife straight up does he plan on taking a third wife down the road when the new wears off the second wife?Also ask the second wife straight before they marry if she is going to be accepting should your husband want to take a third wife?Again all these things don’t need to be tip toed around and you should ask him everything directly.Also I do not know if u have a dower but should u decide to go back with him and he wants you back make him put his money where his mouth is and change your dower or make him give u property on your own name and money in the bank.I do not know your financial situation but I am saying protect yourself and your children.You might also think to start a business get a job if u don’t have one and start putting away money for your retirement and just start becoming more self dependent.Believe me when I tell you Polygamy is no the end of the world it is not even really horrible to be honest it is just a different way to live but if u were to think u might would entertain the idea not to divorce your husband I would start with some of the things I told you.
    To live Polygamy in no way means u are a weak woman so don’t buy into that crap ok.It takes a very strong minded woman to live polygamy whiny a$$es need not apply (just a little polygamy humor there).lol
    You have the right to call as many shots as u want as long as u do not sin.SO keep that in your mind ok it will help u become a stronger person.Hope some of what I said helps.

  • billy

    January 3, 2014

    ana, is it weird that we don’t have a set schedule?

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Thank You Ladies for all your comments about my situation it is really helpful to just vent and get it out.I have moved on and am living my life but there is just this void there that really drives me crazy at times.I think it has more to do with my husband than my excowife and him letting his parents influence his choices to the point that it is becoming a serious problem in our life.

  • Rasha

    January 3, 2014

    @ All
    Ok. So as I have stated
    before my husband had a second wife without me knowing but he didnt tell me to keep me from leaving. That was a tough pill to swallow. Don’t know if I ever forgave him. They divorced after some time. Now he wants to possibly marry another. He is a GREAT guy. Of couse flawed but we all are. I am currently in iddah. I love him. I don’t k ow if I should stay or leave. I have reasons positive and negative for both scenarios. Of course I have jealousy and all those standard emotions. I’m trying to understand how he could be ok with letting me go to pursue his desires and rights of polygyny. My ego was hoping he would say “no babe I can’t not have you in my life, so I don’t have to pursue this optional right”. Boy was I wrong and shocked. So now I’m wondering what it could be like without him. I almost wish we could stay married and I have my freedom. But that’s not halal. This has by far been one of the most challenging experiences in my life. I’m naturally a background loving person. Meaning I enjoy making people feel good. It kills me because I wanted to be friends with the last one but didnt feel that it was possible because of the circumstances. It’s funny cuz one if the ladies mentioned having given a shower and Wylima for cowife. That would so be me but wih this current situation possibly I feel like we could be friendly but I’m so afraid to reach out.
    Also I’m afraid that my husband although I know better but that he could keep marrying and divorcing in me. And all the while I’d be there going through it with him.

    Sisters please share some wisdom. Crazy thing is people think I’m so strong and commend me f it but some of you sisters have some stories and I want to commend you for your strength.

  • Aishah2014

    January 3, 2014

    salaams.Laila welcome back.great you were able to find something similiar to what was lost.I agree try to think of your picking out gift for your hub daughter as a way of helping him and keeping the bond.there’s a blessing in that! Jenny sounds fun! I miss the snow not the shovelling out or icy roads!Ana you didn’t state anything C does not know.she knows where he is and why.Lynette and Ummof4 u ladies have such good calming advice….Gail yeah you might not wanna walk in Aishahs shoes.I don’t think anyone has an easy path and we don’t go looking for the tests we are given.But I can tell you I Aishah is sure glad she would never agree to live in the same house!!!!Anyway not the way the prophet did it, and for good reason.I think you maybe should let go of the idea if your husband is very much against it and your ex Co is not pursuing idea. maybe in time she will contact the kids more.you never know…

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    @kim,

    Allah says those who plot evil the evil will hem in the author thereof. I may not have gotten the words verbatim. May Allah forgive me for any error. She tried to take my days and caused me aggravation for years about the schedule. Consequently, this week I ended up getting her days and a stay at home vacation with Alex out of it. She should learn from the experience. She’s wreaked havoc in my life about the schedule for years. It took her violating Alex to make him wake up and smell the coffee. He wasn’t about to waste another week of vacation arguing and fighting with her

    I feel why should I not write about it not to hurt her feelings. No one (human) forces her to come to this blog.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 3, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Gail, I understand your sentiments about everyone living in the same house. However, I believe this can only work with wives who have similar personalities and can work well as one unit. Everyone cannot do this, so it is better if the households remain separate. Also, it might hamper a couple’s sex life if the quarters are too close and one wife is hearing the husband having sex with the other wife. Some people do make a lot of noise when they are enjoying themselves.
    So the house would have to be extra large with each wife having a wing. the husband would have to hop from one wing of the house to the other.

    As far as the husbands having to hop between homes, I don’t feel any sympathy for the husbands because it is now part of their lives. The only thing that I don’t think is fair to the husbands is if wives are ridiculous with keeping track of equal time. For example, “You spent 12 hours and 50 minutes with her last night into this morning, Now you owe me 50 minutes because the last time you were here you only spent 12 hours exactly with me.”

    Valuable star, I need clarity on what you want from us. Are you doing a research paper on polygyny or just need to understand how it works? Or do you want to know what type of woman can voluntarily live in a polygynous marriage? For the record, some of us in polygyny are perfectly fine with our husbands marrying another wife as long as he continues to be a good guy; we are not keeping a smile on our faces while we are dying inside. We truly want for our sisters what we want for ourselves – a righteous husband who is handling all of his responsibilities properly.

    Allahu Akbar (Allah is the Most Great). Let’s live our lives as if we truly believe this.

  • Ina

    January 3, 2014

    Assalamualaikum and Hello,

    Firstly, I would like to wish everyone on the blog a happy new year. I have been following this blog (silently) on/off for about 2-3 yrs now and this is my first time commenting.

    Like many other sisters here, this blog has been a lifesaver for me when I first discovered that my husband wants to marry another woman so I must thank you Ana for providing and maintaining this blog. There has been so much good advice given by everyone here and it’s really helped me in my effort to come to terms with polygamy and thank you to everyone here for making this blog entertaining, inspiring and helpful.

    Here is my story (I will try to be brief so not to bore anyone as it’s similar to other sisters’ stories)…

    I am a revert/convert and married for about 11 yrs. About 3.5 yrs ago, my husband told whilst I was pregnant with our 3rd child that he had met someone and wants to marry her. He had joked about polygamy before but I could tell that he was serious this time. I felt lost, depressed, I didn’t know what to do. My whole world was falling apart. I told him, I didn’t want to talk about it until after the baby was born because I was concerned about the effect my emotions would have on the baby.

    During the next year, he maintained contact with the other woman mainly by telephone/email because she lived in another country (we live in UK). I told him that I don’t think I can accept polygamy so divorce was mentioned. Although he did not want a divorce,he had an experience which he believes may be a sign from Allah that divorce may be the solution to our problems. My head was spinning…my husband claims to love me but would also consider divorcing me in order to marry someone else! What can I do?

    My husband is a good man and I did not want divorce. I was scared…so I told him I would accept polygamy if he can wait 3 years to allow time for me to learn to cope with it. Thankfully, my husband agreed but the other woman didn’t (or rather her family would not agree – they said she had to be married within the next year).

    So now, we are <1 year away from the date that we agree he can marry someone else and he has met someone else. I think they have set a date for the wedding. I told him not to tell me the details….I don't want to know.

    Even though, he has waited and I am very grateful for that, I still can't help feeling sad, getting depress, going crazy with jealousy. I know he loves me but during moments of jealousy, its so easy to forget that and so hard to think straight.

    I know that I need to turn to Allah more, focus on Allah instead of my husband in order to cope but it's so hard to do. Like others have said, this may be my trial, a test to bring me closer to Allah. But it may also have the opposite effect whereby I just give up. May be I am not meant to be pass this test.

    It's now 01:30am so I think I should try to get some sleep now….night night everyone.

  • Spirited

    January 3, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    I hope you all are well.

    @Ana, thanks for asking about my studying, buuuuut, I didn’t touch the books today. It just felt kind of like a mini-vacation type of day. Plus you know, my lazy streak seems to be continuing, hmmm. Maybe I just needed some time off? I’m going to go at it tomorrow for sure, Insha’Allah.

    @Laila, welcome back from your vacation! Overall, I think it actually sounds like you had a good time, (maybe your aunt didn’t so much though, heh). Good to hear that you’re safe and sound and were able to visit one of your favorite places. I also liked hearing about you being able to replace the pendant that had been stolen, that must have been such an amazingly happy feeling when the shopkeeper was able to get you the piece! As to you continuing to buy things for your cowife’s daughter, but not being able to have the credit given to you, I can completely understand that. Still, I guess you could think of it this way — Allah knows who gets the credit for the gifts you’ve given, and His recognition is much better than any human being, yes? So there you go, no need to fret over it happy

    @Gail, if you don’t mind me sticking my nose into the question you asked of Ana (about how can men be fine with bouncing between homes). I’ve actually thought about that as well. I say, they’ve made their bed and let them lie in it. No one is forcing them to have two wives/two homes to go between. If they can manage to make it work with everyone living in one home, good for them. If they can’t, then continue being a ping-pong ball, or keep only one wife. I don’t give a rat’s behind if its hard for them — the polygamous husband’s “pain” (lol, yea right) isn’t going to compare to what pain, heartache, and anguish his deceptive, lying, sneaky actions have caused to the wife. Whether you consider polygamy to be a test for the wife or husband or not, there’s no denying how much it hurts, and personally, I don’t feel that this pain comes anywhere close to whatever excuse for pain the man might have, considering he’s the (earthly) trigger. Yes, I know, God may have put the husband to it in His infinite wisdom, but its up to the guy how he tackles the test — and I would say, in my limited understanding and my own opinion, most of them are doing a downright terrible job of it and it ends up being the women who just suck it up and make the best of it, when it should be a shared responsibility with the man also (instead of lying, affairs/adultery, and so on). Oh well happy

    Well, as to what you were describing that happened with you & your husband recently. Hmmm, I don’t know really. Its just not something I can wrap my head around for the time being. I probably just need some more life experience, but for now, I don’t understand the situation all that well. So your husband is still refusing to take his ex back, and you want him to so the three of you can have a nice joint family. Her kids miss her, but she doesn’t seem to want to talk to them. Well it’s all very strange, and then you have the manipulative in-laws in there too. You probably understand the inner workings of all this much better than anyone else, so I don’t think I can offer you anything except an ear to listen to your troubles happy I hope that’s good enough and I continue to pray that God guides your family towards the result that’s best for everyone. happy

    Ok well, I’m gonna head off to watch some stuff while being warm and toasty in the blanket laughing Its supposed to get dangerously cold around here. The husband said he may be able to get tomorrow off, so let’s see what happens. I’ll see you ladies later!

  • Valuable star

    January 3, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    As you addressed an issue regarding stress as a polygamous spouse, there are many other emotions too that I am unable to understand and would love to discuss with you ladies….

    As I introduced myself I have never been in any relationship and you can say have no experience regarding this but I have read so many books regarding Human psychology,men ,women, relationships and their emotions and now all sorts of stories of polygamy even the older ones including mormon’s polygamy and have pretty well drawn many conclusions and certainly would be grateful to if you let me know your viewpoint about it.

    @ Ana

    I would really love to discuss it all but only if it doesn’t offends anyone and you permit me since this blog is all about offering help to embrace polygamy and answering my requests could be a mere waste of Time and energy!!

    Well my exams would be over by 11th of this month and then I would really love to talk to you ladies about many things…….

  • Lynnette

    January 3, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    @Sister Spirited,

    I am sooooo sorry I missed your birthday! Here’s to hoping that you have an incredibly happy year, filled with love, happiness, joy, and peace. In Shaa Allah, you will have an excellent MCAT, and you will be able to impress the Medical School with your kindness, compassion, and genuine care for the human being.

    What Allah (swt) wills for you, it will BE. But you have to do your part, too. So study diligently, okay?

    ——————————————

    @Sister Laila,

    I am happy that you enjoyed your holiday. And while I understand that you may not be thrilled to death with the idea of selecting presents for your co-wife’s daughter (there has GOT to be a proper name for these relationships!!), it may be a blessing for YOU as much as it is a gift for her. It is a beautiful gift to be able to keep a father and daughter close and connected with one another, and you have shared in that.

    I remember as a child that my Mum could be quite manipulative. She did things (regularly) that I find unconscionable now, and she considered it as total mutiny not to support her in her bad behavior. Your husband’s daughter may be caught in a similar dilemma; her Mother expecting her loyalty and her cooperation in hatching whatever foul and evil plans she may be devising is stressful.

    I can’t make you like your co-wife or her daughter; I’m not even trying to accomplish that. Instead, I am hoping that you can try to view the world from her position, and empathize with the stress and emotional strain that the young lady is experiencing. One day, I’m quite sure that the two of you will be able to reach an understanding.

    ————————————————-

    @Sister Gail,

    Sister, I don’t really even know how to address the issue you have raised because it requires that I wrap my mind around a mindset that I’m not quite able to understand. Of course, I believe that the family’s honor is best served by having your daughter’s mother in her life instead of wondering and guessing. I can’t fathom this. In Shaa Allah, there will be a resolution to this that is right. You have a very strong moral compass, Gail.

  • Valuable star

    January 3, 2014

    Hello!!

    Wishing you all A Very Happy New Year…..

    @ Gail – You are such a sweetheart and I really mean it!!

    I read many comments and got to know stories of Kim,Spirited,Aishah and ofcourse Gail and Ana.

    I must say you all are exceptionally loving,caring,devoted and strong ladies having great patience.
    Undoubtedly I cannot even imagine how much effort it takes to manage a smile when every part of you is dying inside!!

  • Jenny

    January 3, 2014

    @ Gail,

    I know you don’t like to hear this, while cousin may have been wronged, she was not an innocent party in this. Ever hear of the phrase: Be careful because the grave you are digging may be your own??? That is what happened to her.

    I’ve said this before ~ you are just going to have to leave it alone. You cannot force your husband to become polygamous. What happened was between them ~ even though they were plotting against you. You know well enough that family politics cannot be broken or tinkered with. It is all about their honor.

    I thought she was getting married to the other cousin???

    Move on with your life and your husband! You are held blameless in this. Just like me, I had to let it all go too. You’re dealing with a Pakistani man, not an American. Their thinking and their priorities are different. You know that! You tried and had a noble reason, but there comes a time you just have to let go. That time, in my opinion, has come a long time ago.

    Work on your marriage, love your husband, build your family and be happy! happy

    @ Ana,

    The snowman went well, along with the subsequent snowball fight. That fluffy snow was perfect for our plans! It was very windy, so we wasn’t out for long. Long enough to wear the kids out. After, they had some tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwich.

    Now it is back to work!

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Laila,
    Wow did u have an eye opening vacation.I totally get where u are coming from with buying the daughter a gift after she lied about u.You have a few ways u can handle this type of situation but one thing I am seriously wondering that maybe u have not thought about before.
    They say that Apples don’t fall far from the tree meaning children normally turn out like their parents etc.. In your case your cowife is not very nice with you and neither is her daughter it seems and that would be normal because of the daughters devotion to her mother of course.As adults we know it is illogical for a daughter to be against a stepmother just because her mother doesn’t like the other woman but that will take till the daughter is an adult to figure that one out.
    I am just tossing this out there for you as food for thought have u ever thought just maybe Allah is setting this up by u actually picking out the pieces of jewelry for the young girl that later on it may very well come out that you were the one that picked those pieces of jewelry for her on all those trips.I am certain at some point the daughter will figure it out and she will look back and understand that she had been less than nice to u over the years and wonder how even tough she was a little snot to you that you still did something nice for her.Believe me when I say a good deed never goes unrecognized.I do not know if this will give u any comfort what I am saying but I think it is outstanding that u are doing it and I would continue with a clear heart about it if it were me.You never know in the future this one sweet act that u are doing may very well be the one thing that makes the young girl change and not be so hard on others.Again I will say no good deed goes unrecognized.
    Now in saying that you can just refuse to not buy another single piece for the child and u are well within your right to do so but is that the best choice for me it would not be but it is for u to decide.When it comes to kids you just have to let things be until they grown up then u can say ok enough is enough shape up or ship out.In your case the child is still to young.I will also go as far as to say this u never ever know this child that lied on you today may very well be the same child that is sitting beside you when u are old feeding u through a straw u never know Allah/G.d planning.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Ana,
    Your right men are wired different no doubt.I will be honest when dealing with polygamy it seems most logical to me that there is one large home everywife have their separate bedroom and the rest of of the home is family area esp when children are involved.In your case and C neither of u have children with Alex so it is mildly ok that u live separate but still logically speaking I can not grasp the fact of being married and not seeing my husband daily and giving up half my married life esp when we have children.I do not agree this is healthy for a family with children being raised.Like in Aishah case her husband and what he is complete bullcrap as far as I am concerned.Who the hell ordained him the right to run off every other night to sleep with a woman half his age and leave Aishah to keep her bed warm for him when he decides to come slithering back to her and the kids.I know Aishah don’t like her cowife but I don’t think that should give her husband rights to be a part time dad.I honestly would not want to be in Aishah situation where she has concerns about her cowife sexuality not to mention she is not American and has not been raised with the same morals and ethics that Americans have.I have learned the very hard way that people from other countries have totally different morals and ethics than we do in USA and if u are going to marry outside the country u better have a firm grasp on that reality.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Ana,
    I got of thinking about Alex/men living their entire lives between wives homes and forgot to mention.Hubby and I got into some really weird funky something yesterday.It is not a fight but just some altercation or something.Words were spoken and I told him again for the 1000th time I thought his anger with excowife is just unfounded and cruel towards her.He claims he is not angry with her but because of his parents he can not do anything for her.He also claims he knows she is innocent in all this family feud but still because his sister and excowife brother are married and separated heading towards divorce well his hands are tied.Obviously I disagree and tell him thats all well in good but to me that is like saying throw the baby out with the bathwater who gives a crap.It really does not sit well with me esp.. when I see tears in my daughters eyes because after 4 years she still misses excowife.I also very very strongly feel it does not keep with our family morals or ethics to forgive and move on.My husband does NOT share the same morals or ethical values as me or the children.Ana u know how strongly I feel about my excowife and her coming back into the family.
    Here is the main question I as a polygamous wife am struggling with.I am the oldest out of the three of us.Not by much just a year older than hubs but my point is I am the older.Now in saying that I have been the Head of the family unit and what I say is suppose to go which we know in this case with excowife has NOT been the case.My Sincere Question is Does a husband have the right after going into Polygamy esp… in such a way that my husband forced on excowife and I with betrayal and his OBVIOUS lack of moral ethics not to mention his families lack of moral ethics to hide such a horrible horrible lie for their own self gain that any of them esp husband has the right to now after the fact tell me or excowife that he is not going to try to work on the marriage.
    Ana I honestly feel he kept the secret and forced my excowife to also keep the secret from me for 8 years plus one year of us dating for a total of 9 years.PLUS he forced her to keep their daughter/my daughter that I have been raising the last 4 years secret as well.The child was kept secret until age 4. Now my sincere point is this and I am dead serious here since it obviously took my husband a total of 9 years to tell me the truth then I think I deserve 9 years to try to make this polygamous marriage work. I want to be very clear here I have zero interest in Polygamy with bringing in another wife everrr.I also understand completely my excowife behavior and how she feels and to be frank I think I am the only person in this complete mess that 100% understands her feelings and she understands mine.Now here is the real A$$ kicker I logically know that she could do alot of damage and worse case hubby and I end up divorced ourselves I get it.Jealousy is a horrible thing and yes it ruins a many relationships but I feel so strongly that I and her agreed to work together 2 years ago and to try that I feel honestly my husband has zero rights to say no.
    I want to be very clear here as to my motives to do this.I want my/cowife children to know that they have both their moms and dad together in one family unit.Holding up the same values and ethics etc. I even went as far as to tell hubby it is ok if he does not want to live with her as a husband I bent that far because this is so important to me for the sake of the children and the family unit but still he would not budge and said NO.Finally last night he broke and told me when I mentioned I wanted to try for her a visit visa.He told me very clearly if I did that he would walk away/divorce me.I asked him why and he said because the day I bring her here his aunts will be at his parents house laughing and making fun on them to their faces saying look their daughter and niece are in USA.They will never take his sister back and his sister will have to listen to all this and his parents and he will not have them go through that disrespect.NOW I have tried to explain to my husband that this is a problem between his Dad and his sisters not his personal problem because he has to see his children.I made it very very clear he is choosing his parents (leave sister out of this for a moment) he is choosing his parents over his children’s and wives happiness and I feel that is so morally wrong.To me he is just simply a bull$hit artist and not a man at all that can stand up be strong and guide his wife and children and family in any positive direction.Am I being way harsh I really don’t think so because he caused this crap on himself the day he decided to walk down this road.All these problems have come from his choice to lie and try to keep his first wife marriage secret from me so he could migrate his family to USA.Now he is trying to Lord over excowife and me and tell excowife and I that after she allowed her children to come to USA and be adopted and stayed silent for his A$$ that when she is so close to reuniting with him and the children she is to be kicked to the curb yet he is taking his entire family but not his childrens mother?I am 100% certain this is what she is thinking and although I do not agree with her staying silent all those years.I do understand that Pakistan is not USA and had she had shown me any compassion(which she could have but chose not to because she did not want to screw up hubby bringing her to USA ).
    I should mention that hubs threw up in my face yesterday that I will not forgive his family for the wrong in keeping his secret.He just tossed that out there into then air when I proposed that he hide behind me with his family and put me upfront that i want to work it out with excowife.Seems that sentence did not sit well with him.
    Now I am just disgusted and sick of him and his complete lack of trying to be a moral leader in our family and I am sick of cowife because she has just given up and decided to never call the kids.I just sit and look at them two screw ups and think D@mn how on earth can any human being really right the wrongs that those to screw ups have done and continue to do.
    Even the sad part is that my sister inlaw she loves my excowife brother and he is very young and I really think he has lived under his Mother and father(father died 3 months ago) and married at 18 sister inlaw 31.With such a vast age difference I felt like he is still a kid in so many ways up until now.He is now around 22 or 23 and although still young is not a child anymore and I think if my father inlaw would just step up and guide his sister he could save his daughter from a second divorce and it would help with me and excowife to deal our kids.
    Now in saying all this after yesterday I truly no longer believe any of this will ever happen because my mother inlaw does not wish it and now I am left dealing a family that I find morally strange.
    I swear I thought I was put into polygamy to live polygamy but it seems not and it leave me wondering how come men have the right to dump another woman on a wife and say u have to accept this just to turn around divorce one wife and tell the other wife she has to accept this without any say.This is the part of Polygamy that does not and will never sit well with me.

  • Kim

    January 3, 2014

    @Ana,

    I kinda suspected what you said to Gail indicated what action Alex took but I wasn’t sure where you guys were schedule-wise, if in fact he is supposed to be with you or with C right now. I got it.

    N pulled similar stunts from time to time; only she never took photographic pot shots, just written ones. It was ridiculous. Still is. But no longer my problem whatsoever alhamdulillah.she doesn’t contact me at all, not anymore, for which I am grateful. It’s been a few months now.

    Gail, I know only from M that it was difficult house hopping. I don’t think I ever deliberrately made it harder but I did tell him to suck it up, buttercup, you got what you asked for lol….

  • Laila

    January 3, 2014

    Dear all…. it’s nearly 2 am here and I finally found the time to type out what’s to be shared. I am very tired this time round and Ive got about a million thoughts running through my mind, in terms mainly about my work, and how my holidays in the future should BE. I decided after three years to travel. My business took up loads of my time and also added stress and therefore, travelling was out of the question. My last trip, I think about two months or so was my first trip after so long…. I decided that I would like to celebrate my New Years in Bangkok, Thailand. I travel there frequently in the past and in short, simply love the place, food, and the people. Things are way organized and the people there are serious about delivering what they say or promise to you. On my trip this time round, I think Ive learnt a few precious lessons. Oh dear… which one should I start with…. happy

    Number One.
    Ive always liked travelling with friends. Ive always found that when it’s just me and hubby it can be a bit…. boring. So, I invited my aunt along. This is the same woman whom Ive mentioned here on the blog quite a few times. My oh my…. it’s only when you travel do you learn and notice many things that you may miss on a daily basis. Hubbs told me that in the future if possible it’s best that we both travel alone…. Just to let you guys know, Im a bit of a blur type when it comes to body language and judging a person’s character. Hubbs is sort of sharper and more observant. Whenever I travel to Thailand, I shop….. a lot! This time I asked my husband to visit a local gem store that sells all sorts of stones. I wasn’t planning to get something expensive. I just wanted to replace what someone had stolen from me… [ my home got broken into last year and they stole a gift my hubby gave me early in our marriage together ] Im lucky in the sense that I keep a file on all the certificates and stuff. I took along the certificate and was keeping my fingers crossed. We all had a rule on this trip. It’s free and easy for all. If she decides to not follow then we won’t mind and vice versa. But she joined us…. Okay…. this part is…. the miracle…. I walk into the store and explained to them about the moon stone that got stolen, showed them the certificate and guess what?…. They had one! It was the LAST piece of their whole collection! OMG! I actually literally took a step back and let out a sigh of relief. I was so utterly grateful to Allah s.w.t. for helping me get back what was lost. What was lost wasn’t just a jewellery item but a piece of personal memory. Hubby was in Thailand for a week on business and he called and said he missed me dearly, and when he came home…. he gave me the moon stone pendant and chain as a present. So Im sure you guys can imagine how I felt when the store assistant told me that there was one last piece. As I was looking around, I did tell my husband that I was looking for a unique type of bracelet. I ended up getting a jade bracelet and a blue sapphire pendent. All this time…. I didn’t realize that my aunt was irritated. She bought a few rings and for some reason she wasn’t being entertained by the store’s owner and hubbs could see that she was getting pissed…..

    Ive realized that sometimes it’s best to travel alone with one’s husband as others may not get a wrong idea about our habits. Maybe it’s an Asian thing but shopping for me in Thailand is a must. My husband felt way uncomfortable to even kiss me on my cheeks which he usually does, as he said that he doesn’t want to disrespect her.

    Number two.

    Women who complain and complain and complain about their husbands only makes my husband…. UNCOMFORTABLE. He doesn’t know how to add his input and due to that he just goes ….. SILENT. My aunt hurt me badly by complaining about my uncle [ dad's younger baby brother ]. Yes, he’s not the type to travel, he’s not the mushy romantic type and he’s just the type of guy that he is. But I wouldn’t say that he’s an irresponsible b**. My aunt is at the stage where she want’s the emotional attention and care. But, I can’t blame my uncle for not giving it to her. From the very first day of marriage she’s allowed her maid of 20 years to tun her show. The maid used to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry and go grocery shopping with my uncle. When you’ve set that sort of track in your life, the train will run accordingly! Now that he’s sickly, but still runs his firm, and has sort of fallen into the part that she’s set many years ago, she bitter. My aunt is a career woman and has always put her job first. She’s a good mother and all but I think, she was never there for him in terms of emotional needs. She says that she’s least bothered about him and just want’s to focus on her travels and work and kids. I get scared when I see that. I keep telling myself that that’s not how I want my marriage to be…..

    Im not saying im perfect. But I think that when we have allowed for something to be such, it’s difficult to break the pattern after 20 years. That’s why NOW I feel that celebrating one’s wife / hubbys birthday and marriage anniversary is important. It’s also important to also have some time spent together to nurture each other’s needs. I love my polygamy lifestyle as when he’s away, I miss him, and when he’s home, well we argue a bit but then we make up and share silly. shallow jokes together. Cracking jokes about getting a “boyfriend” on the trip does make hubbs wonder what is she all about…..

    Number three.

    I allowed my nafs to take centre stage this time round. I shopped a lot, and I ate a lot…. Im a bit ashamed at my behaviour. I realized that my actions wasn’t in accordance to the Muslim belief of controlling one’s nafs or desire. sad Ive got a long way to go…. Hopefully I learn fast.

    Number four.

    As you all know, my husband’s daughter created a huge mess in my marriage and Ive forgiven both mother and daughter but Im taking my time to forget! As a subtle rule, He doesn’t get me anything on his tripe with them and I totally understand. but this time round, he was adamant to get his daughter a chain and a pendant. Im not bragging but he finds my choice to be good and in the past whatever he wanted, I would be the one who chose and he would foot the bill. He would then lie to her and say that he chose it. The reason he lies, is beause he told me time and again that he feels he doesn’t know what teenage girls like. I was a bit sore that he wanted to buy something even on this round. In the end, I chose something and got it wrapped up nicely. Can I be frank? I hate this little idiotic thing. Ive told him that I don’t approve of it and he calmly tells me that I should let it go. Should I? … seriously? …. Here I have a co-wife who’s always hoping that s*** does fly into my side of the fence and not I still have to help choose gifts for this liitle individual that lied about me? Just because she’s a teenager Im supposed to be the “better person”?….. Life can be downright weird sometimes.

    Salam.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    @Gail,

    Men most certainly are wired differently than women. You may have heard the saying or song –
    “Where ever I lay my hat is home” or “I’m a traveling man”- is it a song too i dont know

    Women just can’t hang that way. Some may want to pretend they can, but in reality; they can’t unless they are reeeeally skanky or a prostitute.

    I think the men get stressed out at times from house hopping. There are times they probably just want to remain where they are, but have to get up and go to maintain a schedule. My wali/bestess is of the belief that a man does not have to have a schedule when polygamous. I don’t know. It works better for me to have one and a very rigid one at that based on who I’m dealing with – “C”.

    I just hope once and for all she gets it – accept the schedule and deal it. Stop acting like a temper tantrum throwing kid. Grow up. We don’t always get what we want.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Ana,
    As you were talking about Alex and his vacation to C and now your vacation with him I am left sitting here really thinking for the first time how on earth do men elect to spend their lives hoping back and forth from one home to another.I know for myself and most woman that would be insanity at the highest level as we would never be able to function normally in such a situation of house hopping.Not only do they house hop but they have a completely different set of rules to adhere to at each home.I honestly have never given any thought to how a polygamous man does it and lives like that.It would seem very very stressful and well for lack of a better word insane to a woman I think.Very strange to me how a man deals it like it is not a big deal.Boy if u go any deeper it sure seems men are way more easy going and can throw their shoes anywhere type of mentality.When u think about it like this it sure does seem men are WAYYYY different than a woman.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, happy

    Thank you for sharing more about your life living polygamy. It’s nice that you raised your children to accept polygamy, and have a positive outlook about it. It’s the healthy way to raise Muslim children. It’s beautiful.

    ummof4, I don’t know. You’ve got a way of writing in which you sum thoughts up very well and precisely. You did it when you spoke of divorce and how it is NOT disliked by Allah. You’ve got it going on when it comes to expressing your thoughts in an easy going way .

    @Jenny,

    How did you and the children do with the snowman?

    @Spirit,

    How are things coming along? Studying

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    It is a beautiful day. Alhumdulliah. I see icicles outside my windows. They always bring back memories of when I was a kid and we got off school for a snow day Snowstorm 1

    @Kim,

    You sound quite chipper. It’s good to hear that you are hanging tough, keeping your head up and keeping it moving (with the move and your life.) I think “M” is in for a shock of his life. I doubt he expected you to handle all of this so well. I agree there is only so much a person can take, then we say enough is enough; we just can’t do it anymore. We move on and good things begin to happen for us.

    Kim, actually I did indirectly say what actions Alex took. I put it in a comment to Gail, in response to her question: Is Alex still with me? His and my schedule is a three day with me and three with her. Alex has been on vacation this entire week. I’m always on vacation so we had an at home vacation together this week. He went by the rules: admonish first (didn’t work); leave the bed second.

    @Laila,

    Welcome back. I’m hoping your holiday away with your hubs was very nice. I can’t wait to hear how things went. Thank you for inputting about “C” and work. You indicated you changed your work so you could spend more time with your hubs. I think it’s the way it should be, as I don’t think a schedule should revolve around one wife’s schedule. If it does, it becomes a case in which the wife begins to control both the husband and the other wife’s lives. It’s how I see it. Of course, if the wives got along and were truly sisters-in-faith, they would be more inclined to work together, regarding the schedule.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 3, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Shukran for all the kind comments. I’ve just lived a little longer than many of my blog sisters and have already been through the trials you are going through.

    Rasha, yes my husband has two wives. They have not been married long, but everything is peaceful. The first time my husband married a second wife, I felt extreme jealousy, even though the three of us had talked, I knew her and we had a decent schedule. To make it a reality I threw her bridal shower and took care of their walima. I worked through my jealousy by turning to Allah for help because most of the Muslim women I knew did not like polygyny at that time (30 years ago). My husband was and still is one of the good guys, so I refused to talk bad about him to people who already had a negative view of polygyny. I cried, cried and cried. I constantly asked Allah to give me strength to deal with the greatest test I had ever faced. Alhamdulillah, my du’ah were answered. My jealousy decreased and became manageable, and I took my focus off my husband and his other wife, and put it back where it belonged, on Allah. As I focused more on Allah, my acts of worship towards him, my children, my family, my career and myself, it didn’t even matter that my husband had another wife. I began to see my husband as a long distance truck driver or a businessman or contractor who worked away from home half the time. My husband and I talked almost every day on the phone (there were no cellphones, laptops, facebook or Skype then), so we never lost contact. He also was always a part of the lives of our children.

    Our children are grown now with families and children of their own. They grew up in a polygynous family. None of my children hate polygyny, neither my sons nor my daughters. They understand and realize that if it is what Allah has planned for them, it will happen; if it is not in Allah’s plan for them, it will not happen.

    Over the years our marriage has been monogamous, polygynous, monogamous, then polygynous again. All the annoying habits my husband has, he had whether he had one wife or two wives. My habits that are annoying to him have also continued to exist, if he had one wife or two wives.

    All, and I mean all, of my friends who hated polygyny 30 years ago, now have no problems with it. One of them was even engaged to my husband at one point, but they didn’t get married. Some have even suggested to their sons to become polygynous, given the number of good guys in the Muslim community.

    As Ana as stated with her situation, sometimes polygyny can be good for building a more Islamic personality for all concerned. It often makes wives turn to Allah for help, when previously they only turned to their husbands for help and guidance.

    About Allah hating divorce, as Ana has stated, there is a surah in the Qur’an entitled Talaq (Divorce), and Allah gives us all the rules and regulations for divorce. That would not happen if it was something makruh(disliked) or haram(forbidden). Divorce is permissible in Islam and sometimes may be necessary (cases of extreme dislike, incompatibility, abuse, desertion, adultery, etc)

    May Allah grant us all the humility to become HIS slaves.

  • Kim

    January 3, 2014

    Asalaam aleikum and a very early good morning ladies,

    Just wanted to say to those in the path of the Nor’Easter to stay safe! I’m up super early this morning and just turned on CNN to see what’s happening out there. We’ve got the subzero cold, you all got the snow to go with it. Ugh, the almanac said this winter was going to be something else, they weren’t kidding tongue

    I’ll admit Ana I’m dying to know what the consequences were for C’s actions (still wrapping my head around her audacity, wondering what on earth went through her mind when she snapped the pic and hit “send”winking but I totally understand why you are keeping it off the blog. Insha Allah that’s the last time she pulls that case of @$$ on him and you!

    M called at 8:30 last night and woke me up. Talked to him for about 30 seconds just letting him know I’m taking steps to rectify this rent issue and said thanks for his concern but I got this. I went back to sleep and woke up super early. Prayed and getting ready for work. I SO don’t want to go out in this cold, Alhamdulillah it’s Friday…Jummah Mubarak all. This weekend I’m going to pack up nonessentials and my daughter is supposed to be here on the 6th and she’ll take back some of the boxes I pack.

    I’ve gotten some callbacks on jobs I inquired about in WI. A few “thank you for applying but you suck” type of rejection letters but a couple of them saying that my resume puts me in contention. Insha Allah one will call me to interview.

    That’s it, time to get ready to go. Love to all and again, stay safe!!!!

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    I erred. I fixed it. I made a correction to a previous post. I changed stepson to adopted son.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    @Rasha,

    I think every married couple at some time or another, during their marriages wonder if their spouses are right for them. No perfect married couple exists. Some simply have less problems in their marriages than other, but may have problems with other things such as with their children or medical problems or something. Everyone has problem whether it be that it is a test or it be a punishment.

    Many times those married to each other are opposites. It is said opposites attract. Not all husband are going to bring home flowers to their wives or plan romantic vacations. A husband would have to be a romanticist to do so. In my case, Alex is. I am not. I had to get used to the mushy gushy stuff. Have you let your husband know what you like? You can’t expect him to be a mind reader. Not all men do the same things.

    There were quite a bit of things I didn’t like about Alex when we first married. I thought we were totally incompatible. I used to be a very selfish, extremely arrogant person back then, too. When Alex became polygamous, it did not exaggerate my dislikes about him, but had the opposite effect. It made me see myself clearly and it was not a pretty picture. It made me see all the good in him. He was so patient, understanding, sweet and kind to me. Now, remember, when he first became polygamous I was a crazy woman full of anger and resentment. I lashed out at him, and was totally out of line in the beginning. Before he became polygamous my eyes were closed to him. Living a polygamous lifestyle opened my eyes to many things. We have to school them sometimes. Take your husband to Rasha’s College of Knowledge or Rasha’s School of Cool. laughing I got those from my wali/bestess. He’s a piece of work LOL

    Rasha, you must remember that Allah swt chose our mates for us. You need to remember, as well that Allah swt says we may dislike a thing which is good for us and love a thing which is bad for us. He says:

    “Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.” Quran: Surah 2, Ayah 216

    It could be that polygamy is good for you, as it would give you an opportunity to grow nearer to Allah, to call on Him for help, guidance, knowledge, protection, etc. It give you an opportunity to give more of you in your salats (prayers). It could bring you to zikr more, read the Quran, do extra salats in the early morning hours when many others are sleeping. It could be a means to purge you of the diseases of your heart. Jealousy is a base emotion. It is not good. We all have it, but we need to subjugate it. We have to make our lower self become submissive. We can’t enter Paradise with a diseased heart.

    We may be a trial for our spouses and our spouses may be a trial for us. No one said marriage is supposed to be peaches and cream. It’s not supposed to be like a rose garden. Allah tells us that He will test us. Polygamy could be the test for you, Rasha. You don’t want to take it? Do you think you’re supposed to choose your trials? We’re suppose to exercise patience when we are tried. Do you think you don’t need to be patient? Satan (Iblis) thought he didn’t have to do certain things too. Allah tells us that He tries some of us with others. He said:

    “And the messengers whom We sent before thee were all (men) who ate food and walked through the streets: We have made some of you as a trial for others: will ye have patience? for Allah is One Who sees (all things).” Quran: Surah 25:20

    I will leave you with the following Ayah from the Quran:

    “It is not righteousness that ye turn your faces Towards east or West; but it is righteousness- to believe in Allah and the Last Day, and the Angels, and the Book, and the Messengers; to spend of your substance, out of love for Him, for your kin, for orphans, for the needy, for the wayfarer, for those who ask, and for the ransom of slaves; to be steadfast in prayer, and practice regular charity; to fulfil the contracts which ye have made; and to be firm and patient, in pain (or suffering) and adversity, and throughout all periods of panic. Such are the people of truth, the Allah-fearing.” Quran: Surah 2, Ayah 177.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    Hi Gail,

    I had to get up and go to my computer to write this, as I knew trying to type it on my phone would be an ordeal. I wanted to make a clarification about divorce. I probably didn’t word my comment well the last time when I spoke of divorce.

    I DO NOT believe the saying, “of all the permissible things divorce is most hated by Allah.” I think those who say it best be very careful, as they could be lying on Allah swt. Allah swt says nothing of the sort in the Holy Quran. I read nothing in the Quran that even alludes to it. Allah swt says that everything we need to know is in the Quran and He left out what was unnecessary.

    Allah swt tells us in the Quran that divorce is permissible and tells us how to go about the process of it. He even tells us that if a married couple cannot come to an amicable agreement and must part (divorce) he would provide for the parties of the divorce. When the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was having problems with his wives, Allah swt said He would have the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) divorce all his wives and He would replace them with virgins and some previously married. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted a divorce to his adopted son. Divorce is okay in Islam.

    It appears some people want women to stay in “bad” marriages for fear they would displease Allah or for fear they are failures. It’s a terrible thing. It’s a misrepresentation of Islam. The saying is out there though and people are repeating it without a solid basis.

    About men needing a valid reason to engage in polygamy, Allah swt doesn’t say a man needs a reason. He does tell us not to marry for lust.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 3, 2014

    Gail,

    Yes, Insha Allah, he’s still here till Tues. He hasn’t left since arriving Sunday. He kept his word about consequences. I’m in bed on my phone. He’s sleeping like a baby. I won’t be a crazy FOOL and snap any pic. I simply cover him up and tuck him in. I make sure he’s warm, cozy and safe big grin

    I can see you being receptive to polygamy, if your ex co comes back, but not willing to accept some other woman. It is not worth the aggravation as you are not Muslim and your husband doesn’t want it . Polygamy is not mandatory.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Ummof4,
    I also liked what u had to say about Jealousy and trying to ask G.D to overcome it very nice.I will say I am not Muslim do I kinda see Polygamy a little bit differently in the fact I don’t think it is respectful for a husband to just up and declare he is going to marry a wife and the 1st wife has to take it.Yes I know divorce is permissible in Islam but Ana stated G.D does dislikes divorce very much so in that respect it seems logical to me that unless a husband has a very good reason to take another wife for example to have a very large family or his first wife is unable to perform her wifely duties etc.then what earthly reason is there for him to subject his first wife through so much pain.It seems illogical to me personally.I do also believe that for polygamy to be a success that like Ana says everyone must be on the same page or reading from the same sheet something like that but yeah I do agree 100% with you that if a wife/wives is going to stay then she better deal with the Jealousy because if they don’t I really don’t see a peaceful outlook.

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Ana,
    Is Alex still with you?Inquiring minds want to to know.Well I want to know.lol

  • Gail

    January 3, 2014

    Spirited,
    Oh no problem in answering the question.I just to my kids two days ago to see that second Hobbit movie.My 11 yr old loved it but the rest of us were not as kind towards the movie my 8 yr old said it was stupid.lol He wants to see that Dinosaur movie so I will be taking him on his birthday later this month.My kids are huge huge movie going fans and have to see every new Disney movie that comes out.I on the other hand go just to eat the popcorn.I love movie popcorn and could eat a whole bucket”YES I actually have a BUCKET!” I think the movie u want to see is a scary movie if I am correct and although I loved scary movies growing up I somehow lost my lust for them in the last 10 yrs.I know this sounds strange but somehow they just seem so well wrong to me.Not that I am judging because I could sit through an XXX movie and not blink an eye just to drive the not judging point home.I don’t I am weird what can I say.I think with me and the horror movies in alot of cases like crazy psyco people killing people well it happens in real life so it is not some far fetched made up fantasy like in the 1950s.I wonder if anyone else feels that way or if I am just a weirdo.lol

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Laila,
    Very happy to see u are back how was your Holiday?

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Jenny,
    Nope not me I would not accept a different woman other than my excowife and as far as hubby is concerned he is not a Polygamist and has no intentions of every mixing up with excowife again.I think in all honesty from what I am gathering that part of my life is completely over.I know G.D is the master planner but as far as I can see it is over.
    On a different note I bet u are really happy about your apartment how awesome that your husband created that space for you guys.He seems to be so awesome and respectable towards you and always thinking one step ahead and keeping your best interest at heart that is really amazing.You are very lucky.Are you excited about your mom and grandmother moving in with you? I think u will have alot of fun after u get use to them both living with u full time.Glad everything is going well for you and mother inlaw thats very exciting news.Happy you are doing so well.

  • Jenny

    January 2, 2014

    @ Gail,

    Girl! You cracked me up with your answer! I kinda thought you would do it again, but your reasons for not doing it were very sound. Me? No dice! Absolutely, no dice!

    My husband is not cut out for it either. Some men are organized, such as Ana’s husband. Not mine. Just trying to talk to all of the kids in one day is an exhausting feat for the both of us. Our phones constantly ring. Not complaining though.

    I’m happy with hubby just the way we are. We have our brood and all is fine in Pakistan. My mother-in-law totally loves me now! surprise Never saw that one coming!

    We are looking forward to the end of next month ~ trip to Europe. We have been working so hard! My mother has been in the hospital and was just released. She finally decided she can’t be on her own anymore ~ so I’m moving her and my bubbe up here with us. Oy!!! My nephew and my oldest son in Pakistan all coming too! Double Oy!!! My daughters will be up here for their residency. The whole gang will be here. happy

    We are getting a lovely blizzard right now! I say lovely because we bought the building next to our office and we made a three-bedroom apartment for when we don’t want to travel home (on nights like tonight) and also when the bambinos need a break from the office. Much easier! Now I can take some breaks and more time. Hubby and I have gotten into our old habit of going home (in this case next door) for lunch ~ if you catch my drift! happy Hubby dealt with the contractors and put it all together for me ~ shocking! He did a very good job. We even have a little backyard. Tomorrow we are going to build a snowman with the kiddies.

  • Spirited

    January 2, 2014

    Salaam ladies,

    I was just going to turn in & decided to look here again.

    Thank you Aishah & Gail for the birthday wishes, and a pre-emptive “thank you” to everyone else big grin Gail, lol yep, my birthday is on New Year’s day! We didn’t usually celebrate my birthday, so I used to imagine that everyone celebrates my birthday when they’d be celebrating the start of the new year laughing Regardless, birthdays are always a great time to be with family.

    @Gail, thanks for answering the question! Certainly is an important distinction in your case (ex-cowife or a completely different woman). Well, I’ll continue to pray for the best in your extended family happy. Good to know that everyone is well overall and that you’re doing good! I’m wishing for the best in your real estate undertakings, go Gail! whooooo!

    @Rasha, you’ve asked some interesting questions. In my opinion, there will always be some things in your husband that you don’t like (or in the wife that a husband doesn’t like), so that’s unavoidable. To me, I do feel that the things that annoy me about my husband seem to be amplified because of polygamy BUT only if I focus on them. The challenge then becomes to ignore it (if its something that your husband always has done and won’t be changing anytime soon). Its also possible that he may change his annoying behaviors during polygamy because he might just be so overwhelmed laughing (but that change could be better or worse! a double edged sword).

    I think, if you really love your husband, and there isn’t any abuse going on, you should just try to roll with it and see how it goes (if polygamy is on the menu again). And then if you still can’t handle it, even if honestly trying, then speak to your husband about it and if you have to, leave the marriage. It might not even come to that — maybe your husband would deal with the setup so well that you never feel neglected. Maybe your husband would notice that you’re hurting and do his best to comfort you. Maybe your husband would see that its not working for you and leave the 2nd wife on his own. Maybe the 2nd wife would cause him problems and they would split because of that, and so on. There’s so many different things that could happen and we never know (only Allah does). In my opinion, you shouldn’t just give up without giving it (another) try, right? Of course its your choice in the end, but these are my thoughts on it, if they’re of any help happy Ummof4 also gave some great things to think over, so please make sure to read her post.

    @Ummof4, I just wanted to thank you again for the sage advice/reminders. Its always appreciated! I have to admit though, that reading some of what you wrote did make me angry a bit laughing I don’t see any good in the current sort of lopsided “sharing” of my husband with a non-believer, but I guess that’s just my own situation. Lucky me, lol. Well, at least its getting better, slowly.

    Alright ladies, time to hit the hay. Goodnight all, love & prayers to you~!

  • Laila

    January 2, 2014

    Dear Anna, im so sorry for my silence. I just got home from a holiday and ive been tired because just the next day i jumped right back into work. Ive not unpacked, cleaned my home or even bought any groceries. I quickly had a glance at everyone comments and i must say, “C” was out of line. I cant tell u what i myself will do, but suffice to say there are a group of women out there that are ungrateful. They throw tantrums or worse…. plot…. and put the husband in a tight spot. The husband gets all stressed out and feels stupid i may say at the antics thrown. In the long run…. it hurts many parties. Hopefully one day she becomes wise. If she wants more then she should consider changing her job. Thats what i did…. u cant have it all…..

    Dear ladies, i will update whats on my side later at night…. something did happen but not in a bad way. Told hubby i missed all the ladies on the blog. I call u guys blog sisters. He was so surprised. Told me how can i miss people whom ive not met or know personally….. well for ME the connection is already there. The day i start missing is the day i know this group of ladies mean a lot to me winking

    Happy New Year! ♡♡♡

  • Rasha

    January 2, 2014

    @ummof4

    Ok. First that was well stated. And I would love to get to the point of wanting for my sister what I want for myself even if it means my husband😓
    I’m new to this blog so I can’t keep everybody’s story straight but are you in polygyny?

    PS in the Muslim society wanting for your sister what you want for yourself typically means EVERYTHING but the MAN😜

  • Aishah2014

    January 2, 2014

    oh wasn’t done.hey Lynette! you also give great advice! laila where r u?KA 126 hope its going OK for u.laila we miss U.Rasha yep these hubs have some annoying habits.I guess I do too.sometimes they seem exaggerated/ more annoying to us now.my hub,and I think this is part of the test / process, is one of the charming guys who usually can get by with skirting the truth, being evasive,or OK lying.his relationship with 2 nd began in secrecy…now if he is lying it is quite often revealed by Allah….the whole no man can conceal what Allah wants revealed business…

  • Aishah2014

    January 2, 2014

    salaams all.Spirit happy birthday! I also meant to say that yesterday.better get studying! Ummof4 your posts are always so comforting! Kim stay strong. the process of divorce is difficult of course and you may have a little backsliding but keep moving forward.Gail I hear you.the kids involved..yeah a different Co would be difficult.hey it would just be for the benefit of the husband,not for you and kids!!!!!!

  • ummof4

    January 2, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    I wrote on a previous thread about one of the qualities that is necessary to have a successful monogamous or polygynous marriage. The key is “F YOU!” That stands for forget you! By this I mean forget about constantly saying or thinking “ME, me, me, I want, I need, I’m not getting”. Place the focus on gaining the pleasure of Allah. Our goal is jannah. We obtain jannah by performing acts of ebaadah (worship) to Allah and by Allah’s mercy.

    Marriage is just a part of our lives. When we make marriage our whole lives, we are not putting Allah first. We have our duties to Allah that have nothing to do with our husbands like making salah, fasting and paying zakah. We may have children, relatives, friends, a career, that need our attention as well. When our husbands become the focus of our lives, we will become just a big pile of emotions.

    All of us have may have feelings of insecurity and doubt when our husbands marry another wife and those feelings may never go away. Allah has given us emotions, and women usually show their emotions more than men. Our task is to control those emotions and not be ruled by them.

    Allah does not want us to be miserable, and no one has to live a life of misery. But are we truly miserable, or is it that we are not getting our way? Maybe we don’t always need to get our way. Maybe our wants are not what is best for us.

    For Muslim women who say that they refuse to live in polygyny, is the problem polygyny or is it that they feel that they have a right to have their husbands all to themselves? If so, who gave them that right? Not Allah, because Allah said that a Muslim man can marry one, two, three or four wives.

    If a woman is extremely jealous, she should ask Allah to help her deal with the jealousy, because it will probably never go away completely. Jealousy does not need to completely disappear, because it is a part of love.

    If a woman is selfish and does not want to share, she should ask Allah to rid her of her selfishness and to truly want for her sister what she wants for herself.

    I pray that Allah makes all of us love HIM more than anyone or anything else, especially ourselves.

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Spirited

    I just saw Ana’s post that yesterday was your birthday soooooo Happy Birthday!!!!!!! I hope u had a wonderful Birthday!Hey wait your birthday is on New Years! WOW thats way KOOL!

  • Rasha

    January 2, 2014

    @ Ana and you all
    Are there things that you don’t like about your husbands? In dealing wih polygyny does it exaggerate your disliked qualities of your husband? For example my husband doesn’t buy me flowers like I would like, so when I’m thinking about leaving because of polygyny I think “polygyny and he doesn’t buy me flowers or plan vacations or give me surprises”….and before any of you ladies say those reasons are petty; it was just an example but not what i’m actually basing my choices on 😳
    I LOVE HIM but there are things that make me wonder if he’s not right for me 😔

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Spirited,
    I wanted to bring up the main point as to why I would not be willing to accept another woman other than my excowife.My children are not small my youngest is 9 to 19 and I feel that if another woman was to come into the family chances she would not bond with my children and vice versa.It has more to do with my children than with me.It would be a huge risk in destroying the family because my husband would never keep 2 wives separate.He is to much of a miser for that and on the off chance he did want to keep separate I would be one of those cowives like Kims cowife.LOL
    Seriously

  • Rasha

    January 2, 2014

    @ummof4
    Well you are ABSOLUTELY correct but maybe Allah wants me to leave. Maybe my husband thinks he cut out for this life and I’m not suppose to stay and go through it with him. Trust me I want to be content with polygyny in my life but I felt often like I couldn’t bare him being with his other wife. I thought I was good but it left me feeling uneasy often.

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Spirited,
    I love that u asked me the question about If I would accept another woman as a cowife other than my excowife.The answer is NO.I am not Muslim that I have to have accept polygamy the same as a Muslim woman.Now in saying this If I were say 20 and first time marriage married to a polygamist man then I would come more accepting one or two cowives but with my husband and I both in our 40s and not wanting more children I just see no need to go that route.Now in saying that there may be people in their 40s that do see a need in polygamy for their family unit I just personally do not see a need in my family
    I also want to point out I have no desire to share my husband with another woman.I did not marry my husband to practice polygamy so to bring another woman in other than my cowife seems illogical to me to be honest.

  • Rasha

    January 2, 2014

    @Ana
    I don’t want to leave him. But I find myself not being able to handle him being polygamous. It seems that in iddah I have more peace. I don’t want to be a failure. I want to do whats pleasing to Allah. I went on this rollercoaster ride before and I felt like I had almost lost my sanity. I was hoping ater the first one not he wouldn’t revisit it. Boy was I wrong. I don’t want fear of being alone to make me stay or fear of sharing to make me go. I love my husband and he loves me. Here’s the cliche, it’s just complicated

  • Spirited

    January 2, 2014

    Salaam everyone big grin

    @Ummof4, thank you for your continued dua for everyone here. Sometimes, I feel like I need as many as humanly possible, lol. You’re correct, and you might have been busy when I mentioned it before, so let me summarize for you happy — test results didn’t show any cancer for my husband, but the doctor said it was inconclusive. The good signs are that there aren’t many cysts in his liver, but they can’t be sure because what there is present, is too small to sample. So the doc put him on some hep b medication to slow the virus’ damage and he has to be tested again in 6 months (probably every 6 months from here on). So, personally, I’m cautiously optimistic but my husband is a bit on the pessimistic side (but that’s normal for him, lol).

    It certainly does seem like he’s pulled the wool off his eyes about his other wife, but I don’t poke and prod. He mentions things on his own when he needs to talk about stuff and he’s been saying “thank you” a lot to me for various things and being more loving — even small things like holding my hand more often lately. I’ve noticed that he’s trying to be better with his Salat as well, so I often thank Allah for HIS workings happy. I’m with you on the eating food that’s bad for you, but oh so good to eat. I’ve been eating sweet stuff since yesterday myself, definitely going to gain some weight at this rate laughing. The last that Laila wrote, things seemed ok, it could be she’s just gotten busy and hopefully all is well. I do wonder about Tazzz, I hope she was able to get out of that toxic relationship sad

    @Ana, thank you for the birthday wishes big grin We’re planning to go see the new Paranormal Activity movie next Monday with some cousins. Husband thinks he can get the day off if he covers for a friend at work on Sunday who could then cover for him on Monday, so we’ll see how that goes. I also have a free ticket voucher that’s going to expire soon, so its a perfect opportunity! happy Oh man, I should go check and see if it hasn’t already expired O_o. and laughing “don’t ask, don’t tell” as they say. shhhhhh lol, I hope you two continue to enjoy your time!

    Oh guys, here’s something you might want to hear! My brother-in-law told me that he proposed to my sister early today. He says she shot him down, like I suspected she would (I haven’t spoken to her myself, I probably won’t bring it up, if she wants to she can). When he had talked to me before (like I mentioned to you guys) I had told him that he shouldn’t have his hopes TOO high because even if she does like him, the chances are there that she won’t agree to marry him — she won’t especially agree to marry any foreigner/Pakistani. Today, when he told me the sad news, I told him not to worry over it, and its probably for the best. He said she mentioned that the big problems for her were that she can’t trust him because of his brother’s actions & the nagging feeling that he’s only after a visa himself. And so ends that little adventure.

    Well, salat time again, I’ll see you ladies later!

  • ana

    January 2, 2014

    @ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s always good to hear from you and it’s especially good to hear all is still going smoothly for you happy I intend to exercise more the same as you. I get quite a bit in, but not the quality and quantity that I’d like. Something is better than nothing though.

    ummof4, I’m with you in wondering why Rasha wants to unload her husband. Husbands that are good guys are definitely hard to come by. I wouldn’t give mine up for all the tea in China. There are some Muslim sisters out there who say they’d rather have no husband than to share one surprise Really??? To each his own worried

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 2, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Rasha, why are you getting a divorce? I believe you said that your husband was one of the good guys, but you couldn’t stand the thought of sharing him with another wife again. Is this correct? If this is correct, what makes you think that you won’t be able to live in polygyny again? If it was because his last marriage was a disaster, don’t judge any upcoming marriage by the last one. Maybe the last one was a learning experience for everyone concerned, the lessons have been learned, and the mistakes are not being repeated, In shaa’Allah. There are not a lot of good guys out there, so be careful in letting one go because you feel that you can’t handle polygyny. Allah does not give us more than we can bear, so if He gives us polygyny, we must see it as a test, and as something we can bear unless there is abuse (physical, psychological, emotional, financial, etc.) involved.

    Kim, hang on in there. Allah will make it easy for you as long as you trust in Him for your needs.

    Spirited, it’s now January. You have mentioned that your husband is spending more time with you. Maybe the honeymoon is over with his child’s mother. May Allah grant you the best. I will assume that the results of all the tests did not reveal cancer.

    Laila, where are you? I hope all is well.

    Sometimes when people disappear for a while that’s good news. There is no drama happening in their lives and nothing to complain about or get advice about. However, I see this blog also as a place to share good news, like the 2 little babies that were born recently to Marie and Maureen (I hope I got the names correct.). Good news is often so encouraging that it makes it easier for all of us to deal with our lives in a better fashion. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    As usual, I don’t have much news from my life. Everything is still going smoothly, I just need to read more Qur’an and exercise more to keep my bones and heart healthy. Eating properly is important too, but sometimes I just eat food that is so good to me, but so bad for me.

    I continue to make du’ah for all of us “blog sisters”.

  • ana

    January 2, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Spirited,

    Happy belated birthday to you. My intention was to say it yesterday. I am so happy you had a very nice day. It was sweet of your husband to go way out his way to make sure he was with you on your special day Eating birthday cake

    Yeap, we’re expecting a nice snow storm here, as well. I never do anything differently when I hear of a storm or anything else. I just treat it as another day. I won’t be alone here, not that it would have mattered. I can do alone. I’m trying to accept ALL of Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm. I want to continue to grow in spirituality and learn as much as I can. I find that each obstacle that I have to deal with bring me one step closer to getting where I’d really like to be. I see where I’m weak, and need improvement. A test lets us know where we need improvement.

    Insha Allah, you are still plugging away with your studies, so you could nail the exam. I’ve been watching a bunch of movies (DVDs) with Alex. Yes, he’s still with me a bit longer. Don’t ask hee hee

    Josh,

    I did some research into Mauritius. I had no clue where it was. I now know it’s in Africa. I really like the resort “Le Touessrok.” I have an email in to see if they provide Halal foods there. Alex and I would have to fly into London, and take a non-stop flight to Mauritius, which would take 12 hours. I pray all is going well with you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Kim

    January 2, 2014

    Hey Gail,

    It’s all good, I just couldn’t see where I was expressing any second thoughts or God forbid ENJOYMENT out of this. The divorce is far FAR easier than living witha manipulative soulless game player and waiting for another shoe to drop, trust me. I told him last night the same stuff I have said here, adding that I do not want his helpwith the rent. It may be too much to hope for but I just realized a bit ago that I haven’t heard from him all day. Maybe he finally let it sink in or is with N. Either would be a huge relief. Anyway I’m sorry I got a bit testy…my defenses may be on hyperdrive. Again, it’s all good!

  • Spirited

    January 2, 2014

    Salaam everybody,

    I hope you all had a safe day yesterday. We’re supposed to be getting a bunch of snow over here today & tomorrow, yay big grin My birthday went nicely yesterday. The cake I made is pretty tasty, if I do say so myself laughing. I also made cornbread. My mom whipped up some kheer (“rice pudding”winking and pudding and jelly (halal) lol — waaaaay too many sweets for one day. My husband surprised me by coming all the way over here, even though he had to be in work early today, so that was sweet of him big grin It was a lot of driving, as he was tired after work and the distance, but I appreciate it!

    @Gail, wow, that’s quite an experience you went through! I have a question, it’s just morbid curiosity, so please don’t think I’m being mean. Imagine if your husband suggested someone else than your ex-cowife to become a new co-wife, would you still be as happy about it? It would be a big joint-family, but not with the same mother of the family’s children. I was just thinking about that kind of scenario and wondered what you would feel about it. (just curious)

    Also, I wanted to say that I love, love, love the way you have set the rules for your children! I TOTALLY agree with your philosophy. Family should be there for each other and joint-family systems have a nice support system for all family members. I’m not sure that I would be as strict as you are, but I guess we’ll see when I’m a parent (God willing) happy

    @Ana, yep, some people’s shallowness can’t be believed. Its so cool to see that you’re still growing and learning and improving yourself as well. Masha’Allah.

    @Kim, hey you. Stay strong — you know what you want and you need to keep your focus on that. Like I said before, it sounds to me like “N” doesn’t want your ex-husband full-time now that you’re exiting the picture. Also sounds like your ex-husband realized he took you for granted — the “you don’t know what you have until you lose it” saying applies very well here.

    @Lynnette, glad to hear from you big grin Thanks for continuing to cheer me on! I’m certainly trying to keep my focus.

    I hope everyone is well and if you’re in the snow storm area, I hope you’ve got your salt & water and such — people tend to go a bit looney if they hear “winter storm” laughing Look up “Bread and milk vic dibitetto” on youtube for a hilarious few seconds of people’s reaction during the smallest of events (he’s joking, but I’ve seen it happen, lol). I’ll talk to you ladies later!

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Lynette,
    Glad to see u back on the blog I was wondering where u went to it has been a few days.Hope all is going well with u.

    Rasha,

    I am married 10 years together 11 with my Pakistani husband.My polygamy story is off the charts strange and not at all normal by any means.I have yet to here a story as unbelievable as mine to be honest.I met my husband in 2002 on the internet and we chatted for about a year.I had just filed for divorce from my first husband the week my second husband and I met on the net and my second husband had also told me his divorce was finalized the exact same week we met.We both had one son each from our previous marriages and it just seemed we had so much in common and we just naturally formed a friendship and a bond very fast.After a year of chatting on the net and the phone I decided to send him a sponsor to come visit USA but he got denied the visa because we had not met in person.So we decided to just call everything off and go our separate ways and remain friends.there is some other things but I will keep it short and sweet version.So after 2 weeks he tries everything to chat with me leaves me messages tries to get my friends to tell them to tell me to call him etc… One night i come in from work and started chatting and he asked me to come to Pakistan.I thought about it and said ok so I went to Pakistan and married him and filed his K3 visa.I also asked to take his then one year old son to live with us and raise him and although his exwife was not happy about it she and her family agreed.So for the next 2 years I live in Pakistan and start raising my then one yer old stepson now my adopted son and living life in Pakistan with my husband.After 2 years he gets his visa we fly home to USA and start living are life.I should mention I was 6 months pregnant when we flew to USA and I birthed another son.Also I have one son from my previous marriage who was now living with us in USA.Are life was going perfect I had a great job working OBGYN and we bought property my life was pretty near perfect.My husband was awesome and I was so in love with my life and living the American Dream.
    After being in USA 3 years we go back to Pakistan for a winter visit and when we arrived at my husbands home his exwife and her family are there to greet us and obviously I was very taken aback ans asked my husband what she and her family were doing there.I didn’t think really anything much of it as I am a nice person by nature and just blew it off.I invited her to stay on with us for the winter so she could have access to her son everyday while we were on vacation.
    Now on this vacation before we went she informed us on cam that she had birthed a daughter and I thought it was baby but when she showed us the child on cam i figured out very fast that the child was older and I started getting very suspicious because the child was the same age as their divorce.It was my husbands horrible luck or my very good luck that I worked OBGYN womans health and it took me all but 2 seconds to put two and two together that something was not right.Bottom line the truth came out after alot of lies that the child was my husbands child.
    My husbands exwife was divorced so she told me which I later found out was a complete lie my husband made up to cover his A$$.I confronted my husbands exwife and told her I wanted the child to live with her brothers and I would make certain my husband was fully responsible for the child and I would raise the child in USA.She said NO I said YES and so it went on for a couple of years like this until I filed the papers with embassy and legally got the child to USA.
    Now it sounds like I was being selfish but strangely after I took the child to USA she never had anything to do with either of the children after that.I even asked her to keep the children for 1 season for me so I could come back to USA grab money and build a huge home in Pakistan for all of us.She said NO take the children with you back to USA she was going back to her village after we left Pakistan.I kinda skipped ahead let me go back my husband confessed in the 8th year of marriage that he was not islamically divorced from his 1st wife.Obviously I freaked the Hell out and had a nervous breakdown.It was the most insane out of control time in my life.I figured out in the 4th year of marriage something was just not right buttt he would never confess to me the truth so I was working and dealing my life and kids so I just would let the issue go for awhile but my marriage was suffering and all the love that I had was just gone and I couldn’t understand why.Finally 8 yrs into the marriage he confessed and told me the truth and after having my nervous breakdown I decided oh what the hell I would try Polygamy because I already new his exwife and had lived with her off and on my entire marriage.We went to Pakistan lived joint family in our own home 2 winters ago but strangely after the cat was out of the bag it became a mess very quickly.My excowife and her mother had been weaving a huge web to get my husband to divorce me and for him to bring her to USA.Well my husband and his mother figured everything out and he gave her talaq and we came home to USA.
    Now we are back in USA and excowife was calling the first year we came back asking hubby what about her if he would divorce me and everything would be ok.Her parents were saying the exact same thing to my inlaws etc…She just really wanted to be the head of family and wanted me to just disappear.I told hubby I wanted a divorce but he refused me many times and I thought to just divorce him many times but something kept me put in the marriage.
    I do not hold any grudges against my excowife and I can honestly say I miss her and only wish the very best for her.I want her back with the family because I feel that we r her family.Do i think if she came back it would be all flowers and waterfalls No i don’t but i do strongly feel it is the right thing if she wants it.IF she don’t that is also ok but for the sake of the children I would love love to see our family healed.I am also not perfect and I see my own wrongs I did and I am very sorry for being a horses A$$ at times.It is just a live and learn thing.It is very strange because other than my husband my excowife is the other person I trust most in this world.Again I miss her so much and I hold have no ill will against her for the past.

  • Gail

    January 2, 2014

    Kim,
    I am sorry if I misread where u are coming from.I know divorces are very very hard to go through so I just assumed maybe u were taking it hard and maybe unsure if u really 100% wanted to go through with the divorce totally Sorry I meant no harm.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    @Lynnette,

    I’m happy to hear from you. I know you’ve been quite busy. It’s nice you’re able to stop in and chat a while. Alhumdulliah. Alex said to me there would be consequences for “C”‘s actions and he kept his word. He asked me not to talk about it on the blog, as “C” is fired up and he doesn’t want me to add fuel to the fire. I suspect her eyeballs are here lol

    @Aishah,

    Isn’t it amazing another year has gone by and you need to change the year after your name again? Last years New Year’s Day seemed as if it was yesterday.

    You’ve got some good New Year’s resolutions. About reading Quran, I always tell people who are trying to read more of it to make their intention to read three ayat a day or even one. It’s a good start. When I first became Muslim, I found myself picking up every Islamic book other than Quran. Satan was messing with me. Although I sincerely wanted to read it and intended to, it was a struggle to pick it up after a while. When I initially became Muslim there was no problem. I read it from cover to cover and really got into it. As I purchased more Islamic books, I began to spend more time with those. I kept battling with myself and now the Quran is just about the only Islamic book I read. Occasionally, I pick up a different book and read it. The last thing Satan wants us to do is know the Truth. It’s a battle. It’s our personal jihad. Just don’t give up. Persevere.

    @Rasha,

    If you’re feeling you’re not done with your husband yet, why let him go? Do you really think you’d be more content in life without him?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    Besides so many Muslim dividing themselves up in sects (Sunni, Shite, Kurds, Salaaf etc.) the way Allah swt tells us not too, many discriminate based on color and race, which we’ve touched on briefly in discussions here. I’m glad Spirited brought the subject up so we were able to explore it a bit. I still can’t get over that her cousin’s husband divorced her because she birthed him an “ugly” child – dark skinned. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.

    A couple ayats related to our discussion are as follows:

    “And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the variations in your languages and your colours: verily in that are Signs for those who know.”
    Quran: Surah 30, Ayah 22

    ” O mankind! We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female, and made you into nations and tribes, that ye may know each other (not that ye may despise (each other). Verily the most honoured of you in the sight of Allah is (he who is) the most righteous of you. And Allah has full knowledge and is well acquainted (with all things).”
    Quran: Surah 49, Ayah 13

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Kim

    January 1, 2014

    Asalaam Aleikum to all (my apologies for not greeting properly earlier!)

    @ Sis Lynette, thank you for your encouraging words. I do feel I’m resilient, but I do get exasperated and snap. I’m in no way weakened in my resolve with all of M’s games – they just p*$$ me off but they also make me realize more than ever I’m doing the right thing, so there’s that at least happy

  • Kim

    January 1, 2014

    @ Sis Rasha,

    I could be friends with M, we started out that way after all, but a whole lot of water has gone under the bridge since those days. And a whole lot of pain has resulted. I do not see him as the man he was because he ISN’T the man he was. I can be polite, cordial, accommodating in storing some of his things (though I sure don’t want to) temporarily, we can discuss this neverending cold snap, how work is going and that’s it; I can’t hang out with him. My eyes roll so hard I can see the back of my head when my phone rings and I see his name pop up. He is irritating and frustrating me beyond belief because no matter how many times I tell him it’s over, we’re separated and headed for divorce full speed ahead, he keeps doing the “honey” this and “in 3 months we can…” whatever that. I’m coming to the point of wanting to block his number but that seems really childish and extreme and we’re grown adults…why should we have to resort to that nonsense? I just want him to GET IT. It’s over. It’s what he said he wanted, it’s definitely what I want. He is totally game-playing both with me and with N and with me ABOUT N and with N about ME, and I don’t have the time or energy to waste on this crap. That’s all. And yes, I’ve told him all of this time and again. I want to leave on good terms and in peace. That’s it.

  • Lynnette

    January 1, 2014

    Salaams, again:

    Carolinah did what? Yeah, I read it.

    Your bestess is right; her heart is dark and troubled. She does not love Allah (swt); she does not even show love and respect to Alex!

    Depending on the laws in your state, she has committed a felony.

    She violated your husband’s trust. She tried to hurt you.

    (Now, I ‘m sure you did not need that picture to refresh your recollection).

    Sister, she’s selfish, rude, trashy, untrustworthy, common, and without any faith or moral compass. How does Alex abide her?

    Sister, I’m so sorry…..

    ——————————–

    Sister Spirited,

    What a dilemma for your Sister, and for your family. Your family could be put into turmoil should this other man prove to be of similar character as your husband. Sister Gail has a very valid point. Let us pray for your family that Allah (swt) makes a clear revelation here.

    In the interim, STUDY!! (HUG)

    ———————————–

    Sister KA126,

    Please, Dear Sister, hold on to your property or it’s cash value. Your wealth and security should not have to be diminished by this marriage.

    In Shaa Allah, we will learn your husband’s intentions regarding a third wife soon.

  • Rasha

    January 1, 2014

    @ Kim
    I agree with the ladies. I’m currently going through divorce and I’m enjoying my husbands company. Wehave always gotten along well. But through this “difficulty” we are being EXTREMELY cordial with one another. Needless to say I’m feeling like I’m not done with him.

  • Rasha

    January 1, 2014

    &Gail
    How long were you in polygyny? How long have you been out? And how many times did your husband marry?
    I must commend you for desiring polygyny again especially because your hudband said he doesn’t want to try it again.

  • Aishah2014

    January 1, 2014

    Happy new year everyone I am trying to make a couple resolutions ( not too many or ill end up feeling unsuccessfull ) to make sure I read some Quran ,thank Allah/ remberance of Allah throughout day, eat healthy,get more exercise me and kids,plan more fun stuff for us/ just do it!so far so good day one! plus more of the get real life plans like gotta make my will, etc.May 2014 be a rewarding blessed year for all blog family.on that note Ana its time for me to change to Aishah 2014.

  • Lynnette

    January 1, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to you all,

    I’m catching up with the comments. I’ve missed you all, and we have a couple of newer members I feel I need to get to know….

    @Sister Kim,

    You are brave, intelligent, and blessed with resilience. I know it is difficult to deal with the kind of games that M plays. It is torment when someone we love, or loved once, plays with those emotions. May Allah (swt) strengthen you so that you don’t feel weakened by M’s manipulation. In Shaa Allah, you will be making your move soon.

    @Sister Ana,
    Never have more truthful words been said. Many people — especially superficial ones — want what they are led to believe they should want. I feel for Pakistani people; they are not White (as their British Colonizers were) and they are not Arab, as the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). For some, it makes them feel awkward, and stuck — as though the way that Allah (swt) made them was somehow “not good (enough)”

    Going to read more now.

  • Kim

    January 1, 2014

    Where on earth am I saying I am enjoying his “honey” and “I love you” and “it’s just a piece of paper” garbage? It makes me nuts because the man acted like N was the end all be all for HOW long and now that he’s got free rein to go live his happy little life with her, he won’t do it. He said he wanted the divorce, now saying he didn’t want it but needed it.

    I do NOT want him back. Period. The end. Is it co-dependency? Not for me, not right now. Was it? Uh-huh, and I’m sick and tired of it. Gail, I was NEVER raised to be dependent on a man. Ever. The very thought of being subjugated and submissive to any man, much less one of M’s ilk, makes me want to run screaming to a desert island somewhere. Make no mistake, N wants him there, and I know it by intercepting voicemails and texts before he left. When denied her way, she pitched a fit (hence the “her mother must have delivered her out her asshole, because she is sh*t” comment). He is the one reluctant to give up his security blankie (me) in any final way, all the while I keep telling him over and OVER I am DONE. He ignores it and keeps calling and doing the whole matter of fact “it’ll be us again” routine and it makes me sick. So, no. I’m done with him. You guys are reading it wayyyyyyyyy off from what is reality here. He is going to India or going to N or whatever he wants to do and it has NOTHING to do with me Alhamdulillah. My sights are set on Wisconsin and freedom.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    @Josh, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Mauritius sounds like a beautiful place to be. I have to look into it, Insha Allah. Vacation may be calling me to go there big grin Sandy beaches and a nice breeze, plus a place with Halal food readily available are right up my ally.

    Josh, you certainly have your hands full dealing with your husband. It sounds you have a lot of valid reasons for divorce. Allah will let you know when the right time is, if it (divorce) is to be. When and if the time comes, it will be easy for you.

    You’re doing really, really good in keeping him away from doing haram things to you. Allah sees and knows all things. Keep turning to Him, so He will change your condition – dispose of your affairs towards comfort and ease. As you’re doing all the household chores etc say, Bismillallah while doing it all. Be mindful that you are doing it all to seek Allah’s good pleasure, and don’t think of your husband. When we remember Allah while doing whatever, we find joy in whatever it is we are doing. You’re going to be okay happy

    Insha Allah, chat with you soon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    @Kim,

    I get the same feeling as Gail. It’s not over with you and “M”. It seems the two of you are simply playing with each other. He may think you two will dissolve the legal marriage, and proceed with the Islamic marriage. “N” will see that he is no longer “legally” married to you, which undoubtedly would make her feel better. Nonetheless, “M” could continue to indulge himself in you and “N” would not have to know it. You do need to be real with yourself. If “M” is still pursuing you, expressing his undying love to you and it’s making you feel good, you’re enjoying his pursuit and it doesn’t sound you’re really interested in making a clean break from him.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 1, 2014

    Happy New Year, Everyone!

    I think it’s going to be the best year ever for me. I see good things happening in my life. I feel it, anyhow dancing Let’s all be optimistic that it will be the best year ever for everyone. Allah is to His servants what they perceive Him to Be. Allah can say be then it is.

    About the black girl, white girl thing, it was explained to me this way: It’s not a matter of “preference” in that white girls seem to be favored over black, it’s a societal thing that dictates behavior. A man is not going to do a woman he doesn’t like and keep going back for more. It’s like ice cream. A man could love chocolate ice cream, but he keeps it in the freezer in the basement because he was told by mom (society) that he couldn’t have chocolate, he had to have vanilla. The vanilla ice cream would be kept in the freezer upstairs in the kitchen. He never touched it though because he didn’t like it. He’d sneak down into the basement to get what he really like – chocolate. The vanilla ice cream would just sit there and get all old, freezer burned, turn colors, lose it’s flavor and stuff. It’d be up there in the freezer in the kitchen where everyone could see it, but don’t touch. It was for show. The good stuff was down in the basement.

    It’s the same as in slavery time. The white woman was worshiped and put on a pedestal by her husband for all to see. All the time he’d be off sneaking to see his black slave girl on a regular, loving her, getting himself some, giving her gifts secretly. He wouldn’t have any left for his wife or didn’t want his wife. She’d get so angry and frustrated, as she wasn’t feeling love or getting any. Her husband wasn’t rising to the occasion for her. She’d start sneaking around with the black slave. People tend to do what is socially acceptable. It’s the bottom line.

    I find it interesting that there are so many Muslims who say they follow the “sunnah” (way of life) of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), but I believe his sunnah was the Quran. Yet they dismiss his supposed “last sermon” in which he supposedly said, “All mankind is from Adam and Eve. An Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab, nor does a non-Arab have any superiority over an Arab; white has no superiority over black, nor does a black have any superiority over white; [none have superiority over another] except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood.”

    Those are my thoughts on it for what it is worth.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2014

    Kim,
    I forgot to mention I am praying for you.

  • Gail

    January 1, 2014

    Kim,
    I think u need to read between the lines when it comes to M.It seems to me N is really not that into M living with her as u well know because if she was he would be at her home 24/7 and not at yours the woman that is divorcing him.
    I have to say something here.I am seeing this resounding theme with you that u yourself may not be picking up on.I get this feeling u are very codependent on M to be honest and this is really messing with your head.I am not convinced at this point that you even really want to get a divorce from him.He is is your husband and as woman we have kinda been brought up to be dependent on our husband for emotional and financial support and boy as u get older and you continue this cycle it is really hard to really walk away and make a clean break.
    Kim I honestly think u need to pick if u want to be married to this man or not.I get the serious feeling u are in limbo in the fact that u don’t want to keep him and u don’t want to kick him.It seems you are mentally stuck otherwise M would not be able to jerk your chains so to speak and u would seriously tell him one time move on and he would understand u mean business.
    On the other hand If u really don’t want to kick M then keep him it really is ok he is your husband and your right but if u did decide to keep him you got to change and and listen to me clear YOU HAVE TO CHANGE.You have to make an outline or a plan about your life.Things YOU will accept and things u WILL NEVER accept.Also u have to willing to stand up for your beliefs and your ideas no matter what.I will give u an example in my case.
    I decided to stay with my husband after everything that he did but I understood when I made this choice I would have to get REAL with myself and be honest about my own shortcomings as a wife,mother,Head of my family.I decided as far as a wife I needed to get a real family plan and stick to it based on my beliefs,morals,etc. In my case I want my children to live joint family when they are grown.I honestly feel in our case my children living joint family when adults will keep the wealth in the family and they will have a much much easier life than all 4 of them running and getting different homes and putting money 4 places instead of one.I could break it down further but u get the point I think.I made this choice and told my children straight that they will stay together and am raising them to work together and figure out solutions as a team unit.My children are never ever ever allowed to fight with each other and they are very well mannered.I feel like these are positive things that have come from my being decisive on this one thing.Also I should mention I have told my children they are free at 18 to walk away and go do their own thing but if they do that then they will only walk with the clothes on their back and a suitcase and not to ask for any money because I will not break anything up.So bottom line stick with the family and be fixed for life or take a risk and walk away their choice but if they walk away don’t look back.Yes I admit I am very controlling but I feel very strong on this topic.I see so many people struggling financially and fighting with family and I just decided NO I really do not desire that for my children.Anyway this is just one thing I got very strong on and wanted to explain to you how I decided to make my family financially stable.Also I should mention I do not desire to go to a senior care facility when I am older so I will expect my children and their wives to help my husband and I either by their own hands on or get us a personal nurse I don’t care but I expect to be respected in my golden years and not tossed away like used goods after I worked hard to make their lives much much easier.Again I hope u see how I have become very strong and really sticking to my guns on my personal choices have had a positive effect on my life.Also I should mention my husband has changed soooo much and he has really come forwarded and is supporting me in my choices and things are flowing really smoothly as far as my starting Real Estate this season and with the kids education.Honestly I am really proud of him.We are still struggling in the area of excowife.He 100% wants nothing to do with her and he is 1000000000% against polygamy and can’t even understand logically why I am still hanging with this site while I am completely opposite and while I think polygamy is a very very hard life to live and normally fails in general because the wives can not get past their egos I on the whole embrace polygamy and understand that their is a need for it.I would go as far as to say that society would be much better in the long run if polygamy was embraced.I can totally see the benefit to children and their lives.It could potentially be tremendous in my opinion.Anyway I will try to figure out with my excowife and if she is ok or wants to rejoin the family unit as the childrens mother and help me.If she doesn’t want to rejoin the family I will not be happy BUT I will accept it.If she wants then I will step up for her and she can live with us as a family member.I would not be against my husband getting back together with her but he has told me never ever to expect it he just has zero interest in her.Either way is fine with me as long as she also understands the facts.I just want her to be part of the childrens lives if she wants and I do not want to see her living a poor life in the village when I know she has strong desires to travel and have a nice life.Anyway enough for now I hope I did not step over the line in my comments.

  • Kim

    January 1, 2014

    Hey Gail,

    Thanks, I’m ok about it. I posted that this morning and had talked to M about it last night and he had me all whacked out of sorts. I don’t want him helping me, he’s being a big enough pain in the @$$ as it is. I have resources I can utilize and I will, before taking a dime from him. I know I’m entitled after all the money I put forth for him but I know damn well anything he gives has strings attached all over it.

    The man seems to think that this is just a little vaca for him and we’re STILL going to live happily ever after. Don’t ask me….he says he knows now N is a lunatic whether being a co wife or just the two of them…how, when he never did what he said he was gonna do, which is live with her, is beyond me, but I think that sh*t has just gotten real, that he and I are kaput, and he’s panicking knowing he doesn’t want to be with her, without me involved. Or something. I’ll drive myself nuts trying to figure that man out so I quit trying…we just end up screaming at each other. But suddenly it’s 50 billion phone calls to me, calling me honey, telling me he loves me, this divorce means nothing to him, it’s just a piece of paper, etc. I’m like DUDE…WTH?? As I said, I give up trying to make any sense of him or what he does or thinks. My plans do not include him, period, and I’ve told him that over and over. *sigh*

    Anyway, happy 2014, may this year be the best for everyone happy

  • KA126

    December 31, 2013

    @Gail,

    Thank you for the advice… I am looking into it now. In Sha Allah

  • Gail

    December 31, 2013

    Kim,
    I am really sorry to hear u are having financial issues on top of everything else u are going through at this time.I wish I had something intelligent to say to you but I find myself at a loss for words in this situation other than to say that hopefully your future will start looking up really soon.I will certainly pray that everything works out for u.

  • Gail

    December 31, 2013

    Where did Laila and Lynette run away to have not seen them in awhile.

  • Gail

    December 31, 2013

    KA126,
    I forgot to mention if your home is decent enough u could put it under section 8 HUD.IF u are not aware of this it means u put your home under HUD contract and they will pay the person that is in your home (The person must qualify for HUD)HUD will pay their rent.It is a good deal and maybe something u might consider.

  • Gail

    December 31, 2013

    KA126,

    Please listen to me if u have suspicion that your husband is yet trying to take a third wife with everything on his plate and you still decide to sell your home I would honestly have to say you are crazier than he is.I know u don’t know for certain but dang girl a sister has come forwarded and gave u a heads up on this and u have seen some very suspicious emails.I will be completely honest it seems to me your husband has ulterior motives here and that would be to get u to try to make u dependent on him so when he hits u with the third marriage you will be stuck or u will have to look for another home or rental is my sincere thinking.I do not see how u selling your home is going to help u in the long run unless u have him put some homes on your name before u sell your home.
    As far as black woman and Pakistani men from what I have seen they are kinda like white men.
    This is going to sound very racist and believe me this is not my thinking at all but here in the south when I was growing up a white guy would maybe do sex with a black girl but he knew never to bring her home to mom.Even in all sincerity if he did mix up with a black girl better make sure know white girl got wind of it would be his ruin.In alot of ways I view Pakistani men the same way.They will screw anything and even marry black woman but there preference is white skin woman or light skin Pakistani woman.I can only go by the men I know in my husbands family but that honestly seems to be the norm.Also I should mention I actually fixed my older brother inlaw marriage with a mixed woman.her mom is full white and her dad was 1/2 white and 1/2 black.My sister inlaw honestly looks like a light skin Pakistani woman but when I brought her to Pakistan my entire family looked at me and asked me straight if thats the best I could find and the cherry on top was my younger brother inlaw had the NERVE to to come up to me during their wedding while his older brother was marrying the my mix sister inlaw and tell me that he GET THIS does NOTTTT want a black girl he only wants a white woman.I was completely floored had his attitude and lack of empathy towards black woman.I agree with you in the fact that yes men want a piece of chocolate but they seem to not really want to buy the chocolate.I think that is why it is sooooo important for woman in general to make the man buy before he samples.LOL

  • Spirited

    December 31, 2013

    Salaam everyone,

    I hope you all had a good day. I ended up just hanging out with my mom & sister, watching tv. Very little studying again… well tomorrow’s another day but 25 days left (!!).

    I just wanted to drop in and say, KA, I’m not sure what’s the best course of action, but I wouldn’t give up a house that you own. You could move into your husband’s place, and maybe put your house up for rent? At least you would still have a place to fall back to if you ever needed it, just as security. That’s just my opinion. Insha’Allah, you’ll get guidance from Allah regarding it.

    Its been a bit quiet here today, so I’ll just say I hope everyone’s new year will be off to a good start. I also wanted to mention that its my birthday tomorrow big grin (Jan 1), so happy birthday to me as well! yay! lol. My husband will be working, unfortunately, but he told me that he’s already bought me something and hid it in our closet and he’ll tell me where it is tomorrow laughing. I’ll probably bake my own cake (strawberries! whoooo!) maybe have a pancake breakfast too. Alrighty ladies, talk to you later~

  • KA126

    December 31, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum Sisters,

    As far as independence, I am not trying to quit my job, I must work for sanity’s sake….. This will be the first time I lived in someone else’s house. My husband wants me to sell my house and move with him to one of his properties. He is still considering whether to send my Co back to Africa or to get her an apartment. My conflict is, if things do not work out, where would I go. The pros are that I will no longer have any bills, and I assume it will make him more comfortable to be in his own house instead of living in mine. The cons are if he acts up, I can’t tell him to “get to stepping”…

    Um, I don’t remember who made the statement about no one likes black girls… but let me tell you that is so far from the truth. Those Pakistani men try to hide it to save face. Don’t get it twisted, there isn’t a race out there that isn’t trying to taste the chocolate, lol….That’s why the color tone of the world is changing…. they don’t call them mixed for nothing…. it just takes a drop of black and you are it. lol… Okay end of vent.

    In other news, a sister told me that Habibi was looking for another wife. I asked him but he said no. But then I saw two emails: one from him saying what he was looking for in a wife and another from HIS COUSIN (wow!!!!) stating what she expected. All of these were sent to a wali…. very interesting. In sha Allah, he is just acting as wali for her. It will be very interesting if it is true. Don’t know how I feel about that yet. Maybe that is why he wants to move…. It’s obvious he can’t handle the two he has. But we all know here that doesn’t matter. She is much older than both of us….. very interesting. The truth will be revealed in sha Allah…

    Seems I have been hit with a lot of surprises lately. I haven’t finished figuring out my career situation yet and hit with a pregnancy and now this. Subhana Allah. Allah Subhana wa ta’ala says we will be tried in health, wealth and family….. And He is All Knowing and Truthful. Request for Duas.

  • marie

    December 31, 2013

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    @Ana, you’re so right, I have more things to be happy about than I do to complain about, thanks for the reminder alhamdulilah, it’s great u, C and Alex have a new start, Allah u Akbar

    @Kim I think the whole blog got a giggle out of the “delivered out u r mom’s @ss” I certainly did. I think your doing great with the whole divorce thing, your so strong alhamdulilah,

    Have to run all these kids require my attention

    Salaams to all,

  • Kim

    December 31, 2013

    Hi Gail,

    I don’t know where you got that either….there were issues but it was quite some time ago and I shared them…maybe you read an old post of mine on a previous thread? LOL…

    I am facing a crisis of sorts though…financial. what else is new. Got a notice from my apartment management advising me I owe 1,445 bucks and have to cough it up now or my son and I are out on the streets. May as well be 14 thousand at this point. Ugh. I have no idea what to do. I mean we are moving anyway but not til March and I am in no way ready to change the date to now. M said he would help but he isn”t able to fork over that much either. I am freaking out more than a little but I guess I have to give it all over to Allah. Please pray for me and my son to keep our place just a bit longer….

  • Josh

    December 31, 2013

    Asalamwalaikum!
    @ Ana, thx u sister in faith, u boost up my courage to persevere life. U r so correct about my hub having nobody to talk about her… zats why he talks to me about her!!!
    Sometimes while he talks abusively to me, I just start reciting surah Al-Fatehah in my heart n zat realy helps me as he keeps on talking rubbish to me i focus on the surah n i seem to be moving far away frm him so zat i cant hear him at all…
    Well another facet of my hubby is zat he trys to sodomise me many a times but ive never let him as it has been strictly forbidden in the Qu’ran!!!I keep repeating to him zat its all haraam!!!
    Ive read somewhere “Curse to the one who practice Sodomy”.It has also been said zat a wife may seek divorce to her husband if he tries to do this filthy act!!!
    Whenever he tries to do it he says no one will know about it but i tell him only ALLAH will know and when he feels that i havent satisfied him over zat i tell him u know, Allah comes first and i feel i did the rite thing of obeying Allah other than u… Im so proud to myself zat i hvnt bend to his tunes…thankfully he doesnt beat me for zat…. Alhamdulilah!

    Sometimes i really dont know why he chose us over her,,All is Allah decision of course…..
    hub doesnt help me in any house chores or whatever thgs….i am the sole one to do evethg…like cooking,ironing,helping kids in their studies even cleaning up his shits etc..hub is a king at home, when he wakes up breakfast is ready for him,clothes ironed,towel hanged in the bathroom and so so many thgs, he depends on me 100%…maybe he think where will i get anothe free maid like me!!!!
    I do pray for him so that he changes his attitude but i know Allah will decide n if hub wants for a change sincerely its zen zat Allah will help him….
    I have been so used to zis nasty man for so long that sometimes i dont give a damn to what he says coz he doesnt think twice before talking bullshits!
    @ Spirited,Concerning my in laws, Masha Allah i have no complaints towards them they support me fully….they r my strenght perhaps zats why im still in zis union!!!!

    Well we change ze topic…I know u all must be from countries which r chilling rite now…here in Mauritius its ze reverse…we are in summer….35 deg celcius with sandy beaches and cool air…
    I might be doing a marketing…but if u r planing for a vacation, try my country….n concerning food…u will find Halal…zats not a big deal!
    Till zen write you all soon in 2014!!!
    Salaam!

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    We at polygamy 411 wish everyone a happy, healthy and prosperous new year! Yeah baby m/

    As the world turns…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    These emoticons work my nerves… I can’t proof them before posting. I post and then realize they are the wrong ones Pulling Hair

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    @Aishah,

    My phone is aggravating the crap out of me. I did something and can’t fix it. Before it was so easy to see who comments are from and approve them. Apparently, I overlooked some to approve until now. sigh

    @Billy,

    I agree with what you said to KA126 about giving up her independence. I can’t say I’d suggest any woman do it, and depend only on a husband. Maybe it’s because I’ve had my own for so long, I couldn’t imagine depending on my husband for mostly everything. There is nothing wrong with women having their own. I’ve read (not in the Quran) about Khadijah, the wife of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) when he was monogamous. From what I understand she was a very wealthy business woman and the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) worked for her.

    I can only suggest KA126 continues to pray long and hard on it. If she wants to quit making her own living (Don’t get me wrong. I know everything is from Allah and He decides and provides) she should make sure her motive to do so has nothing to do with her co. She shouldn’t think that if co is sitting home, she will, as well. Co may be thinking she wish she could be like KA126 and get out there to make a living. It’s the same thing we say again and again – the grass is not always greener on the other side.

    KA126, I’m not saying what I’ve said is what you’re thinking. I’m just throwing it out there for contemplation.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 30, 2013

    Ana I think I had one go into spam.before the left handed remark

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Ana,
    I wanted to comment about what u said about Spirited cousin husband divorcing her because her child was dark skinned.I will let u in on a little secret about Pakistani people.THey have this HUGE mindset that light skin is somehow more beautiful and superior to dark skin.When I say huge I really do mean HUGE.My biological son is favored by my husbands family not because he is cute although he is very adorable but it has to do with his skin color and he is very well lets use a Pakistani term shall we Wheatish.My husbands entire family just oogles and googles over my kid and calls him Prince.Now for years I just let it go and thought it was really strange of them to view skin color in such a strong way but I thought well they are typical pakistani and my mother and father inlaw are not educated so maybe the rest of my inlaws just go along with them but heavens NOOOO my youngest sister inlaw married into a very very very very Pakistani Prominent family I will be dang if they are not now oogling and googling over my son as well.
    Anyway it really is insanity at the highest level but yup it doesn’t surprise me one bit that a man would leave his wife for having a dark skin baby.
    The truth really is stranger than fiction sometimes.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Kim,
    I could have sworn u wrote all that in one of your latest post about u were upset having mixed emotions etc. and your son and his GF were having some falling out.Goodness I don’t know but glad all is well with you.I also got a good laugh about the coming out of your moms A$$hole.I swear I never heard that one either and it is was dang funny to me.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Spirited,
    Sorry for all my mistakes.I wanted to also say that as far as your sister being single and not marrying I think it is ok.I mean there are alot worse things than being single and never getting married and I think she has a very healthy attitude about it.Marriage is just not for everyone.My 12 year old claims he is never going to marry.We all just laugh at him but who knows he may not opt to marry who knows.I would be ok with that as long as he did not fornicate.I honestly think I might disown a child if they were to fornicate or commit adultery.I would give them a chance to marry the person or change but if they did not change they will have to leave my home and fend for themselves.Some lines I feel are just not to be crossed.I know alot of u on the blog might be shocked by my admitting this but for some reason I am very strict with my children in this area.I made my 19 year old move out of my home because he insisted on living and having sexual relations with his GF.I offered him to stop and get rid on the girl because I did not agree with him to marry her as I found the girl to be as much as a slacker as my son.So now my son is dealing his own life and I am not supporting him and I feel justified in my right as his mother to raise my voice.So yeah as long as she can live single life without sinning I say go for it.

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Spirited,
    Yeah that is exactly what I mean the boys would be bully and manipulate potentially and even though u and your sister as u say would kick them to the curb in a new york minute I don’t think your parents being from a different generation would be go unscathed sadly.You know Pakistani older generation they are all about putting on airs and keeping the family honor intact and two divorced daughters would favor very well with the older generation as u well know.
    I am not saying your parents would not support u girls should u find yourself in that situation but gosh what a giant nightmare that would be for them I think.
    As far as your husband not visiting his exwife sounds weird to me and strange that he claims he loves his child but has not gone to see the poor baby.Know what I mean?It just seems to me both him and second wife are both on the immature side to be frank.The whole things sounds Bananas to me Sorry.

  • Spirited

    December 30, 2013

    Salaam to all

    I hope everyone had a pleasant day. Mine ended up being mostly me being a big laze. All last week was mostly me being lazy, I need to get in gear laughing I don’t even know why I’m being so lazy! I get sleepy around 8 – 9pm, like literally so sleepy that I can’t keep my eyes open. Then I’m wide awake at 4am but it’s too cold to bust out the books and start studying so I end up doing some prayers or talking to Allah while still warm and toasty under the covers. Once I’m awake that’s it, I’m awake and can’t get back to sleep. Usually the others at home do Salaat and go back to sleep, but even if I try, no sleep laughing (always been like that). So then around 9, I’ll eat breakfast, then it should be study time but I’ll watch tv or check out stuff online…so much slacking off. I need to whip myself into shape. Have you ladies been reducing your prayers for me to do well on this test?! lol I hope not, because I would love to have the extra prayer power from the Gang! I’ve got my eye on you -_O <– look at it! laughing

    @Ana, yup, that was the reason my cousin's ex-husband gave for the divorce. Oh you haven't heard crazy yet, let me expound.
    I'm sure my cousin's ex-husband wasn't even lying, that's how superficial most Pakistani men are! Nevermind that its his own son — oh that's another big thing, if their child had been a daughter, I'm sure he would have thrown that in her face as a reason for divorce as well — having daughters is also a big problem for many Pakistani men. Here's something else, when I was born, my dad was disappointed because I wasn't a boy. When my sister was born next, he was furious and would go on and on that my mother was incapable of having a boy. When my mother was pregnant the next time, my dad actually kicked her in the stomach to try to kill the baby because he was sure it was going to be another girl (it was a boy, he's still alive, thank Allah. and then a few years later, another boy for a total of 4 kids and 2 miscarriages). So it never particularly surprised me when my dad said I was ugly, and don't get me wrong, I still do appreciate everything he does for the family despite all that (and he does a lot) — and my mom appreciates him too.
    Getting back to Pakistani men, lighter skin color is one of the most important things in a woman — followed by having light skinned children (especially having boys) and of course money. They're all basically extremely superficial and selfish, as I've learned over time. I think you've seen in a few pictures I sent you, my dad's side of the family are darker on average and all the people on that side of the family systematically searched for lighter skinned women to marry to "lighten the family progeny's skin" (the dark females in the family were out of luck and had to marry whoever they could). Really though, even if this skin color thing was so big of a deal, this cousin's son isn't even so dark that her husband would have felt the need to divorce her over it (oh infact, he's in one of the group pics of her family I sent you from the recent cousin wedding). Plus, he's a very nice child. His father has already re-married (to a woman with lighter skin and he has a daughter now who I imagine is light-skinned enough for him to be happy rolling eyes), and he says he wants nothing to do with his son. My cousin says she'll most likely never re-marry and is enjoying being a single mother rather than go through the "hell of being married again" as she put it.

    This cousin and my sister are the same age and they were always in the same classes growing up. I'm sure her experience (and many other things) has helped shape my sister's views on marriage. Oh, another story about Pakistani men and their obsession with light skin. Another cousin, this time from my mom's side, has 4 children, 3 girls and 1 boy. Her husband is an absolute jerk and a raging racist. He's so extremely superficial that he won't let his girls out in the sun, despite them wanting to play outdoors like normal kids (the oldest is 9). If they are out, he blows his top that they're going to get dark because of sun exposure and he doesn't want them to "look like niggers 'cause no one likes black girls." I swear, I don't know what he thinks of himself 'cause he's no prize at all — even his daughters routinely ask their mom how she could have married such an ugly guy as their dad! I'm not even joking. My cousin & her husband end up having a lot of arguments because of this (that the kids say their dad is ugly). This cousin says if she didn't have children, she would have left him, but she puts up with him because of the kids and because he does make a lot of money, so she has that at least.

    And then there's the Pakistani men who who have their innate stupid already, plus compound it with polygamy, as if just their own personalities weren't enough to deal with laughing Ana, I was also surprised about my husband not visiting his other wife, but from what bits he tells for now, he's fed up with her behavior and he'll deal with her when he feels like it. I don't think his hep b is of much concern to her because she's immunized, it doesn't really affect her, or so I would think. I mean if a person's is immunized, there's no danger so it might as well be like the spouse isn't infected, right? I dunno. Yea, it sounds like you're correct — the honeymoon is most likely over laughing I bet she's just got "a case of @$$" (TM Ana) because she might not be getting her way with him like she wants. But we can't say for sure, only the two of them know for now. Still, it's not putting a dent between my husband and I, and it doesn't look like she's stopping him from talking to his kid on skype, so it seems to be all good.

    Ana, the saying that "marriage is half the deen." I've thought about that before, and I think the reason people repeat it is because if you're married, you protect yourself & your spouse from many desires or pitfalls that could lead to sin. Or…that's the general idea anyway. Like for example, you have your wife/husband for sex so you don't fornicate. You have each other to remind each other of Allah, to keep each other doing Salaat. You can contribute to the increase of the Muslim population, and so on. Those would be the ideals anyways, of course we know not every marriage works out the ideal way. That's the way I've always considered the saying to mean, not that if you don't marry, you can't ever enter Heaven. Surely some people just never get the opportunity to marry (may die young) or get divorced and can't re-marry for whatever reason. Really doubt Allah would deny them Heaven just for that if their other deeds end up being enough to grant them Heaven.

    Also, I agree with your assessment of the right hand thing as you wrote to Fatima. It makes sense for sure. I hope I didn't ramble too much laughing You know I have a habit of doing that, lol. Talk to you dudettes later! (and goodnight if not!)

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Ana,
    You summoned up everything perfectly.I wish I could take credit for having a keen eye but the truth is this is exactly the game my excowife and her family tried to play with my husband to force his hand to get rid of me.The bottom line is as bad as a person hates to think of others doing bad with them or manipulating them u have to expect from a logical viewpoint if someone wants something(like Pakistani men dying to get out of Pakistan to work for higher pay) they will kiss A$$ a mile high to get what they want.The sad truth is that in Not just Spirited case or my case or even Jennys case lets face it there will always be family back in Pakistan wanting to hitch a free ride to USA and they are very sneaky and manipulating in how they go about their dealings to make it happen sadly.Nevertheless truth is truth and this is the reality of being a Golden Goose as I like to call it.
    Even to this day my husband says if I offered my excowife to come to USA she and her mother would be licking my shoes 24/7 but because I told excowife I could not bring her to USA her and her mother demanded my husband divorce me or they would divorce his sister.You know the rest.

  • Aishah2013

    December 30, 2013

    oh the left handed agenda.yes Ana I agree that’s the reason.I am left handed.it did kinda annoy me when they would say ” use only your right hand sister” at the sister group….I don’t know.I’m left handed cause I’m wired a little different from a right handed person,my right hemisphere of my. brain is dominant.but God made me this way!

  • Aishah2013

    December 30, 2013

    Ana I really liked the statement u made yesterday that Allah gives what he will to people,some more than others, its not always a blessing that is given, and man who wishes/ prays for 2 wives may be given 2 headaches or double the difficulty or whatever.profound!!

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    @Billy, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I just pulled your last post out of spam.You had posted it much earlier today. Occasionally spam gets confused and thinks some legitimate posts are ham. Alhumdulliah, I checked spam. Sometimes I just delete everything in there without sorting through it.

    I pray all is good with you. I see I’m not the only Lazzzzzy bone here. I’m a likin the life

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • billy

    December 30, 2013

    ka126, never, ever, ever, be dependent on a person. i mean ever.

    u can’t control a person, heck, they can’t even control themselves for the most part.

    depend on god

    and depend on yourself, but be aware god is in control ultimately.

    never put yourself at the feet of any person.. there’s a saying “if i told a woman to prostrate to anyone other than me it would be her husband” whether or not that is an accurate saying is beyond me, but god didn’t tell us to worship anyone other than him.. and depending on anyone other than him is pretty much saying to the person “you’re in control” and they’re not, they’re really not.

    alhamdulilah god is great, merciful and forgiving. if you find yourself in need, pray to him, beg him, depend on him. he’s all we have left when it boils down to it.

    am i sounding right? i’m super tired. -_-

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    Oh, Fatima, if you really want to know what to expect in the Hellfire (I pray you don’t make it there) Allah swt spells it out clearly and vividly in the Holy Quran, so you could get a very good picture of it in your mind. It is some frightening, scary stuff. I don’t recall reading anything in the Quran about any snakes being there i dont know

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    Oh, Spirited, about marriage being half the deen, I don’t go with it. It’s mighty funny that only a small number of Ayat in the Quran addresses marriage, yet marriage is supposed to hold all this weight. Nothing in the Quran even alludes to it.

    The saying raises many questions. What happens with the Muslims who don’t get married? They don’t have a chance to enter Jannah? Only married people enter Jannah? What happens to the ones who divorce? Oh, no, I may have opened the door for another saying (of all the lawful thing divorce is most disliked by Allah), not supported by the Quran rolling eyes What, divorcees don’t have a chance to enter Jannah either? How about the ones who have horrific husbands who beat the crapamola out of them and all other whacked stuff they do? People in “bad” marriages completed 1/2 their deen, just by being married? Oh, yeah…

    Then we wonder why Muslims are all jacked up.

    Fatima,

    While I’m on a roll. There is reason for most things. With regard to eating with your right hand and not the left – people in some countries, probably up until recently and some may still do it today – wipe their @$$es with their left hands after they defecate and urinate. Here in the United States, we have ready access to toilet tissue, soap and water. Furthermore, we use forks and knives. Now, if you happen to go to a place in which everyone eats with their hands and use no utensils, everyone should be using their right hand, as there may be some people who don’t use modern conveniences.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    You’ve got me rolling over here laughing I can’t even finish reading your post. I had to take a break. Your cousin’s husband divorced her because their baby was “ugly” – dark skinned. You’re kiddin me. That is one of the most craziest stories I’ve ever heard. What the heck is going on with people?

    I’m stunned your husband hasn’t been to see his other in such a long time. It got me thinking. Could it be that she is not feeling him having the Hepatitis, as it’s not something she signed up for? She may not want to deal with him and it? I’m just saying… Ya know. Some wives are only in this polygamous set up for what they can get. They only want what they want and don’t want to deal with anything they don’t like and didn’t ask for. Anyway you look at it, it appears the honeymoon is over for them.

    Okay, let me go back to reading you. I’ve composed myself for the moment.

    @Jenny,

    When do you intend to head back to Europe? I Know you must be psyched for some more pampering time, as well. It’s about time for me to get another facial. An Indian (from India) girl does mine. She is excellente. She does such a good job. I’d like to go get one more often, but she said my face is so clean; I don’t need one more often. I’d be wasting my money. I should be happy, but it made me kinda sad sad

    @Fatima,

    Tell hubby to take it easy hee hee When I was younger, I overheard my mom telling someone about a guy who bit his girlfriend’s nipple off. Just about every time I see the guy, I thought about what my mom had said. It affected me a little bit sexually for a while too, but I’m okay now. I don’t mean to scare you

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 30, 2013

    Salaam everyone! It’s actually pretty nice looking outside, some dark clouds rolling by over an already cloudy day, kind of gives it a spooky look.

    @Kim, I’m sorry but rofl at using Ana’s, “caught a case of the @$$” oh man, I love that expression almost as much as the rolling eyes face! And “TM Ana” lol! About that situation with your ex-husband and his wife, it kind of sounds like she doesn’t want him either! lol he may now end up with neither wife in the end. And I’m glad to hear that no one was hurt in that black ice car accident thing. Cars can be replaced, lives cannot happy

    @Josh, good to hear from you again! I have to admit, as I was reading what you were writing, I was expecting to read that your husband fell to his other wife’s pressure and was planning to leave YOU. I was surprised that it was the other way around, and no more nikah talk is in the air. Still, he certainly has flaws in other areas that most husbands here don’t have, like the beating thing. That’s still a huge concern for me, its just not right. If you think you can handle it and still want to stay with him, that’s your choice of course. But physical violence is a definite “goodbye” flag for me. So you say you can’t turn to your own family for help because you’re Muslim & they aren’t, but your in-laws do support you. Why not turn to them? Can’t they do something to help ease your situation? If not, and you still want to stay with your husband even with the abuse, then I guess you have to keep your sights on Allah and if He wishes it to be, then He will ease all your troubles, or show you the best road for you. happy I keep you in my prayers, and please write in whenever you can. I’m sure I would worry so much if you didn’t write back, thinking something had happened to you! Oh and I just wanted to say, you have a good head on you about what you need to do and what you can say to your husband, so keep it up. You can only advise him to do his salat and you’ve already done this. Your country has Azaan daily (Masha’Allah) and if he still doesn’t do it, that’s his problem. You’ve done your duty, leave the rest to our Lord happy There’s no need to stick your neck out more that you could get hurt.

    @Gail, hey girlfriend! Yea, I think I’m doing “ok” but that’s mostly because I’m not pushing my husband’s other wife issues. He brings up a few small things from time to time, and I’ll discuss whatever he brings up, but I don’t poke around for info or harass him — it seems to be working for now — but he knows he can’t keep it up forever. Its surprising, but he hasn’t been to see her for 3 weeks so far and he isn’t going next weekend either. He’s definitely not happy with whatever she’s up to and when he’s ready to talk about it, I’m here for him.

    I welcome your (and anyone else’s) thoughts on my bro-in-law wanting to marry my sister, I don’t mind at all. Actually, for my family, it doesn’t sound like a good idea at all (even if we know the family and they know us). I don’t know if you remember, but I mentioned some time ago about a cousin whose husband divorced her about 8 yrs ago because their baby was “ugly” (dark skinned. for some reason he expected a miracle light skinned baby even though both their families are made up of darker skin genes rolling eyes ). And this man, besides lying about his education (he had said he was a chemical engineer. turned out he had only completed high school — and barely at that), he was also the brother of a man who was married to another cousin and this was the entire reason they trusted to marry him — because his brother was already married in the family and the families knew each other. So the entire family felt the backlash from him divorcing my cousin. The cousin that is married to his brother also had gotten some pressure from her husband (the guy’s brother) but this cousin’s husband was actually a decent guy (educated, soft spoken, nice guy) and he was able to regain his composure and calm his family down and their marriage didn’t fall apart in the end like his brother’s did. Still, even though it was just cousins marrying brothers and not sisters marrying brothers, my family is already pretty cautious of this sort of arrangement.

    Let me tell you what my sister has been saying for more than 10 years through all her refusal of marrying anyone. She says she would rather live alone and be a crazy old cat lady. Elders ask her, what will you do about kids? Everyone should have kids to take care of them, to pray after them, etc. She says there’s plenty of orphan children in the world who need love and a family, she can adopt. Elders ask her, what about natural sexual urges, surely marrying would be better than fornicating. She has a very low libido (hormonal imbalances) but she’s fine with that and has even said she’d rather buy a variety of sex toys if the need comes up, than to marry. They ask her, what about companionship? She says she has family, cousins, friends, and if she adopts, she would have those children, or pets. Then they ask her what about “marriage is half our deen,” well for that, she says she doesn’t particularly care (she’s not very religious. She used to be religious in her teens…now at 31, she’s kind of like how most Muslim men are with how little attention is given to Islam. Insha’Allah, Allah will guide her back to the way she was — I’ve said before, the two of us are very different and that’s part of why we don’t really get along, lol). She’s also not into being told what to do by men, she’s not someone who would put herself “under” a man, and if someone gets on her bad side, she drops that friendship like a hot potato and doesn’t look back. She’s fiercely independent and won’t stand for the kind of BS most Muslim men pull — especially Pakistanis.

    Everytime my parents have brought a marriage prospect to her, the first question she asks is if the guy is after a visa (sometimes right infront of the guy!) — so don’t worry, she’s waaaay ahead of you in that department, Gail laughing I’m not even concerned about this because I’m 99% sure she’s going to say “no way” to marrying him, but hey, I don’t have to say that to him — he can hear it from her, right? lol. My parents are not favoring this offer either because of my husband’s actions (even though they know siblings aren’t all the same).

    Something I don’t understand that you said, Gail. You said if both brothers were married to my sister and I, they would have control of my parents home? Do you mean inheritance? They wouldn’t have anything to do with that. Do you mean they could bully us around? For me, my husband is on his “second chance” and he’s not getting a third — anything else he pulls and I’m walking. My sister doesn’t tolerate any BS and would give whoever she marries the boot right away. But like I said, I don’t think this marriage would happen in the first place laughing

    You also talked about how multiple divorces are seen as a bad thing in Pakistan culture, I know a bit about that, yup. The funny thing is my bro-in-law is a divorcee himself! With my husband’s actions and my bro-in-law’s well-known divorce (he was married to a daughter of a prominent family where they live, it was a messy divorce), this guy isn’t in a very good position himself (according to most people — I’m not too sure about this sort of thing and how it works in Pakistan). Its too bad though, because my bro-in-law is a nice enough guy overall and my sis and he do get along pretty good. Oh well laughing I’ll still give my parents your story if they ask me, so thank you for sharing some more details!

    Alrighty, I’ll be back later on. Has anyone gotten any ideas what else I could get my husband for our anniversary in March? Still thinking it over, there’s still a few months of course, no rush. Suggestions would be very appreciated happy I’ve asked different guys in the family and most of their ideas have been things I already got previous years, lol.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    Dear Gail,

    I think I understand what you said to Spirited. If Spirited’s sister marries Spirited husband’s brother the two brothers will have leverage. If Spirited and her sister do not do as the brothers say, the brothers could threaten the sisters with divorce. The brothers would always have the upper hand to get Spirited and her family to do what the brothers want, as divorce is viewed by Pakistanis as a disgrace for the family. One divorce, let alone multiple divorces in the immediate family (Spirited’s) would have a serious, devastating impact on Spirited’s family. Please correct me if, I didn’t understand you correctly, Gail, or if I missed something. It’s quite interesting. You have a keen eye to have picked up on it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    @Kim,

    You said about “N”, “she went on to say I must have been delivered from my mother’s @$$hole because I’m such sh*t…” and you cracked up laughing rolling on the floor. I got a really good laugh out of that one too. I’d never heard that expression before. It’s a good one LOL

    It sounds things are coming along well with you. Stay strong. Keep up the good work. I’m sure you must look forward to getting a new start. Insha Allah, it will be the best new year for you ever thus far with many more to come.

    @Rasha,

    I had to look up what LMBO stood for. I have to go back and check comments, as I think I may have missed some. I pray all is going well for you Sis. Do you know for the life of me, I can’t remember your story. There are so many newbies here; I can’t keep anyone straight anymore like I used to. Oh well…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 30, 2013

    @Billy and Ana

    LMBOOOOOO
    That would have shocked her. 😳😳

  • Rasha

    December 30, 2013

    Salaams Billy
    I would like to say that I read your post and I totally took”Jew” as an abbreviation. And congrats ( short for congratulations) on sticking up for yourself cuz(short for because) ppl (short for people) take themselves too serious. I’m guilty of that and I’m trying to work on it.

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    @alwaysforgive, As Salaamu Alaikum

    I did not post your comment, as it is a reply appropriate for the post http://polygamy411.com/what-we-need-to-know-for-a-peaceful-and-tranquil-polygamous-life/ , which we are not entertaining discussions on.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • alwaysforgive

    December 30, 2013

    Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatu-llahi wa barakatuhu,

    alhamdulillah for Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala let us practice our religion, for all His blessings, for the peace we have and so many of our brothers and sisters don’t…may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala relieve their pains, amin…

    @ana

    I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala make things easy for you what your cowife concerns…I pray for all my sisters ,may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala reward your patience and accept your striving on His path… I am not in your position, and maybe it sounds weird because an outsider can’t really understand… but I keep you in my heart and I remember you in my Du’as….

    @all sisters

    have a nice and blessed day (night), and may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala protect us from all that which could bring us far from Him, and let us holding firmly to the rope of Islam, amin…

  • ana

    December 30, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    All is good on my end. I think it’s a new beginning of he,she and me moving forward in a positive direction. I’m not saying things will change between “C” and me. Only that she will probably bother me no longer. I already don’t bother her. As long as she and I leave each other alone, all should be good. It’s the most I can say about it.

    @Josh, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I’m glad to hear your husband is no longer beating you. Alhumdulliah. Allah is Great! I totally understand how bothered you are when he speaks to you of her without you asking. The last thing you want to hear from him is how much he loves some other woman. I don’t know how some people think sometimes. Perhaps he has no one to talk with about it besides you, which is why he bends your ear with it. Knowing he has a hot temper and can go off, you’re going to have to bear with it. Try to tune him out. Remember Allah swt while your husband is rambling about such nonsense, so you’ll stay calm, and be at peace. Whatever you do, don’t say anything derogatory about her or he may lose it.

    I definitely understand how you question your love for him, and are at a lost for what to do. When we get confused that way, and don’t know which way is up, it’s best to just do nothing other than what Allah says – be patient and persevere in it. Be patient and persevere in all that betides us. Keep worshiping Allah, offering your salats, reading Quran to know what Allah expects of us, most importantly remember Allah swt by listening to Quran on a CD or zikring. Remember Allah swt says He remember those who remember Him. He say remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without a doubt. Eventually, Allah swt will reveal to you what you should or shouldn’t do. It will become easy for you. Seek Allah’s protection from your husband and his abuse.

    As far as this other woman is concerned, she’s bad news. She speaks badly about Quran and our way of life. How he could love someone like her has to be a curse. Don’t try to tell him anything with regard to her, as it will certainly go in one ear and out the other. He won’t hear you. It’s not worth you getting him worked up about it and then he take it out on you.

    With regard to his salats (prayers) and all, leave him be. He knows what Muslims are supposed to do. We can’t do anything unless Allah gives us leave to. We can’t even offer salat unless Allah has decreed it. If he seeks guidance, Allah will guide him. Allah tells us in the Quran that there are some people Allah does not guide. If your husband comes to you or seems to seek help or advice from you then by all means give it. We have to remember that no one should be compelled to worship Allah. Allah choose who will worship him. So, don’t concern yourself with him, but focus on you. I had to get to that point in my own life. There was a time I was all over my husband like a cheap suit, trying to make him serve Allah swt how I wanted him to. Bad,bad, bad, really bad. It’s not our place to do it. Allah swt tells us in Quran that admonition is for the Believers. All others are deaf, dumb, and blind. They don’t hear us. Why waste time talking to deaf people who don’t hear us. We’re only trying to do the impossible. Those who Allah will guide, they seek guidance. They ask questions. They inquire. It’s how it works.

    You’ll be okay. Just hang tight. Hold onto Allah swt. All will be good for you. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Kim

    December 30, 2013

    Salaams all,

    Wow, I started reading while at home before I have to leave for work but way too many comments to get in before I gotta go. I’m still sitting here in a t-shirt and undies and I have to leave in less than a half hour (nice visual, eh?)

    @Gail, I’m a bit confused, not sure what post of mine is giving you the impression that I’ve changed my mind about divorcing M…? It’s still ongoing, in fact he left (FINALLY) yesterday. He’ll be back for more of his stuff today insha Allah. We are generally on good terms…that is, no fighting, we settled who gets what already, etc. No idea of the status of he and N…he says he’s not going to her, at least not yet; he’s going to stay with the guys from work for now. Last night he was in a motel right by his workplace as the co-workers are moving from the apartment they’re in into a house on the 1st of Jan.

    Nor do I know where you got the idea that my son and his fiancé are having issues….I can’t find the post where I said this stuff, lol…no time to go digging either. They’re fine happy Everyone’s good, my daughter starts her college classes this coming month. Her baby’s dad ran into her car with his brand new bmw (whoops) because of black ice and he’s totally po’d by it but it wasn’t her fault, the car was parked LOL…ah well.

    Oh, N has caught a case of the @$$ (tm Ana) where she’s ranting and raving about how if M’s living with her arch-enemy (me) what makes him think she wants him…she went on to say I must have been delivered from my mother’s @$$hole because I’m such sh*t…classy lady there for sure. I cracked up laughing…immature, but a rather creative insult from such a simpleminded fool as she. Alhamdulilah, I wasn’t fazed by her insults in the least. Back in the day I would have lost my temper in spades. Now, it doesn’t matter in the least to me. She and he? Cannot touch me now.

    I didn’t take Billy’s words as any form of insult to you Jenny….I believe I related a story about my mother too…when she met M she said he’s nice…she was leery of the whole Muslim thing, see…so she said “at least he isn’t one of them there Ayyyrabs” (that’s how she says Arab). I certainly meant no racism toward Arabs in telling the story, just saying what SHE said.

    Anyways, I better get going…I really want to address C’s antics, Ana, that has N all over it. She goes NUTS when denied her own way, like a spoiled child. Apparently that’s a trait shared by a few of our co’s here at 411 sad

    Much luv and Salaams to all!!!

  • Gail

    December 30, 2013

    Fatma,
    Glad top hear all is going well in your neck/face of the woods. Seems you and your hubby are doing just fine these days.lol Makes me happy to know all is going well for you.I have no idea about Ipads and those froggy things u are talking about but I am sure my kids would.Glad you got a new toy.I love getting new toys.Hubby bought me a new laptop a few months back and I just love it.
    My hubby and I are also doing really great these days thanks G.D.
    I never heard about not eating with your left hand or getting bit by snakes that is some freaky freaky stuff and very scary about the snakes as I am mortified of snakes.

  • Josh

    December 30, 2013

    Asalamwalaikum! Its been quite long that I havent been texting coz i was very busy n things got twisted between my hub n the other woman.
    Refresh your memories, my husband takes me for granted n beats me to vent his anger….
    Apparently, the other woman is presurizing so much about leaving me n kids that hub decided to cease being with her n no more nikah in the air….
    The other woman is manipulating everythg to get back my hubs attention but she is failing… Recently she phoned n talked rubbish thgs about my hubs mom + Astafil’ullah, she also commented bad thgs about the Qu’ran… (She is not muslim) which hub didint digest at all… All these thgs happening before my eyes… i say to myself zat hub is receiveing what he deserves… Apparently hub was teaching him stuff about Islam and all but you cannot make some1 become muslim only when ALLAH decides it.

    i ask myself what really hub was teaching her about Islam as he himself is muslim of name only…
    perhaps, about having more than 1 wife…..(he picks and choose whatever good for him from the Qu’ran) .He does not go for salaat at all.He goes when he feels like.Im fed up of telling him to go for salaat as Azaan is heard(In my country Azaan is heard 5 times daily…We live in a small island name Mauritius) but zat doesnt make any difference to him….
    He still talks to me rudely…. alhamdulilah hasnt raise his hands on me for sometimes now….
    he still controls me on money matters…I too works but he keeps ze money for expenses….
    I am confused about ze feeling i have for him..i really dont know if i still love him or not…but im still doing my job as a wife, as Allah has ordain….Perhaps there is khair for me in it….I really dont complain to anyone how my living is….
    Funny thg my hub has been telling me some days back…still confessing he loves ze other woman to me despite ze fact i dont talk about her to hub..he is ze one to talk about her to me…i told him im not interested to know anythg about her..he yells at me zat i should khow, i should know zat he still loves her.
    He says he wanted to marry her… then she would be his n he can tell her to do whatever he wants…he would go to see her on and off and stuffs zat i dont understand…I said to him Hey zis is not living polygamy…its like making your mistress a halal one…she also has her rights…. as a wife he also added if only my life was as such i would go for salaat and come back to me or her…all would be peaceful!!!
    I also told him zat going for salaat doesnt depend on anybody, not on me either…you should do it only and only for ALLAH!
    What a crap im married to sometimes i want to run away from him….but where to go as im a reverted and when i embraced Islam my parents cut off from me since 11 years now n ze only people zat i can count on are my in laws who support me fully….n zey know how zer son is….
    his father doesnt give him a damn of his behaviours!
    Please comment about my story….

  • Gail

    December 29, 2013

    Spirited,
    I read your post and for the most part it seems u are doing pretty good which I am happy to hear.If u do not mind I would like to comment on your brother inlaw wanting to ask your sister for marriage.
    First of all on the whole it seems like a good idea because u are already married in that family but I will be honest I smell a huge huge potential RAT and I think what I am about to say u need to give your mom the information I am about to tell you just in case the 1 % chance she has not thought about what I am about to say and to ease your own mind in case your sister was to marry your brother inlaw and then it did not work out.
    What I would like to point out to u is this.If your brother inlaw is not a USA citizen then your sister would be an easy avenue yet again for your inlaws to get yet another son to USA as I am pretty certain this thought no matter how fleeting would have went through your brain if only for a split second.Another thing I would like to point out that lets say against all odds your parents went for the marriage then it would mean that both brothers would have control on your parents home as u well know or at least I assume u know.If u don’t then your mother should know exactly what I am talking about.This is not good in my opinion since they don’t respect your husband.I would venture to say they have serious trust issues with your husband as well.My point is your parents are not getting any younger and May G.D not do this but if your sister marries into that family they can be so screwed because 2 sisters married into the same family OMG do I need to say more.They can blackmail your parents into anything and if your parents do not do it then guess what they can just start screaming divorce and as u well know it would not be one divorce but both of you sisters divorce.I do not believe your dear mother and father could handle this from what I have heard u talk about them.If I were you I would not encourage them for any amount of money to let your sister marry in that family unless u are willing to now not only put your sister on the chopping block but also your parents as well.
    Please understand I do know what I am talking about here because this is exactly exactly what happened in my case with my husband and his exwife.My husband exwife and her mother came up with a plan to marry my excowife brother with my husbands sister and OMG did they try to blackmail my inlaws to get rid of me and my son.In the end my inlaws had to take there own daughters second time divorce.My mother inlaw figured out the entire blackmail that my excowife and her mother had done and it has been horrible for them.They always say they got huge lesson from that.So again I would encourage u to tell your mother my story and all the horrible things that could go wrong so that way your parents see today that u are loyal with them and they will not blame u later on or your sister for that matter.I will be honest I do not trust your husbands family.It is nothing against them but I believe your family was a great catch for them and I think they are pissed at their older son because they had this plan to try to marry both boys to both of u sisters long ago.I have lived among Pakistani people and believe me when I tell u they are master planers.I don’t mean to talk bad about your culture but I do wonder if maybe u being raised in USA your parents sheltered u from negative sides of your culture.I don’t know I am just assuming they did from the way you talk I don’t see u as a master manipulator which is typical of most Pakis.Please do not mind.I am only telling u all this to protect you and your family.Maybe my inlaws experience can somehow be a warning to you and your parents to think a million times before u agree to such a thing.Again please think to talk with your mother about what I said.
    Spirited I am sorry everytime u tend to bring up something I am like WOW NO WAY STOPP. I don’t mean to be so negative every single time and I pray that u see my warnings not in a hateful way but instead in a carrying overbearing friend kind of way.Gail

  • ~Fatima~

    December 29, 2013

    @Ana..
    Holy crapola.. I just cannot beleive what C did with the photo of Alex you know what.
    Very Very childish I might say.. I am sooooo happy Alex did not give in to giving her the holiday.

    Me personally I probably would have sent her a photo of you with your mouth around Alex you know what.. lol.. but then again, that would have been lowering yourself to her level.. and your much higher then her. That was just a random crazy thought.. I can sure get even on some things, beleive me.. but her not getting the holiday would be even enough..

    I am sitting here on my new ipad air and ifrog backlit keyboard ( not bragging here.. just happy with it) I love it.. Habeeb is sitting in his recliner with his laptop searching for items to order for the store.

    He got kiinda crazy last night in the moment of passion and actually bit me on the cheek. It left a big red mark.. !!! Today at the flea market I had people asking me what happened. I said well, lets just say a wild animal bit me.. haha

    @ Billy.. wow good to hear from you.. YOur posts made me laugh about your husband snoring in the bed.. Its always good to hear from you.. I wonder where Hilly has been?

    @ Gail.. I always like to read your posts too. I need to get on here more often and since the christmas holiday season is over, I think I will have more time to check in..

    @ Kim.. how have you been?
    Always thinking of you and wondering how you are..

    Today my husband showed me a video about why we must not drink or eat with our left hand. I already knew this and I never do, but I think he just passed it on to me from one of his friends on the wassap we use.. My husband also talks a lot about if we die and have sinned and Allah is not pleased with us, that we will be bitten by snakes. He always scares me with this because I hate snakes.. LOL
    We were watching the bucket list tonight and my husband remiinded me of our travel days when in one year we had traveled to India, Malayisa, South Korea, Hoingkong, and Phillipines, and Bangkok.
    @ Ana, they had a sale on the Revive last month. I meant to tell you about it. Sorry I forgot.
    I ordered the clarasonic skincare brush system from sephora. I love it.. It makes me face feel so smooth and very clean. It washes away dead skin cells which leaves your face glowing. I actually use the lancome cream radiance cream to foam cleanser with it.
    Well, I have to get some clothes out of the dryer..
    NIght all

  • Gail

    December 29, 2013

    Marie,
    I am sorry to hear that your cowife is a complainer for lack of a better word.It sounds like she has a strong personality.I don’t know how long u and your husband have been married but it seems to me she has was not agreed with his choice to marry you.I understand everyone needs time to adjust to polygamy but what I don’t understand is why in most cases one wife is so angry that her husband took another wife and wants to make everyone crazy as in normally the case of the first wife or again as normally in the case in the of the second wife try to use Sex and cunning and Manipulation to get her husband to divorce the first wife.Maybe I am wrong but I sure see it that way for the most part.I think it would be so much easier on day one to be honest with oneself and say I can handle this or I can’t and if u want to try then it is ok and then later on see u can not handle it then divorce or come up with a workable solution.
    Something else I noticed is that the main issues in Polygamy come between the women and the struggle for dominating power in the polygamous marriage.Somehow if u can make your cowife understand that there is not a need to try to control and dominate then it life would be easier but I don’t know if that can happen but one thing I do know it is a clear clear sign that when one wife tries to dominate over the other wife like to hurt the other wife then they are not accepting Polygamy and that is a huge concern for the family unit esp.. those with children in my opinion.
    I don’t know how close u are to your cowife I can assume not very close at all and I am also curious will u continue to live this way or try to deal the problem?I am always very curious how others deal their polygamous marriages.I will be the first to admit when I found out my husband didn’t Islamically divorce his first wife I thought I would try and I gave it a good try BUT the second week end my husband pulled me into one of her and his crazy arguments and I was forced to call her a liar to her face which made me furious at my husband and her and everything just crumbled from there.Then it became a complete power struggle between her and I for a few months which in the end I obviously one and forced my husband to kick her to the curb but afterwards I felt really bad to make him choose between us and after I tried to bring her back and husband said no way he was happy without her and when I talked to her she had her parents go to my inlaws and tell them to have husband divorce me and then everything would be fine.GO FIGURE.lol Freaking NIghtmare all the way around if u can imagine.

  • Spirited

    December 29, 2013

    Salaam!

    Hey Billy! I’ve never had cactus fruit O_o I don’t think I’ve ever seen it either. Hmm, now I’m curious laughing I’m studying to take the MCAT so I can apply to DO schools. I like reading too, but I hate, hate, hate, hate math. My goodness, you should have seen the last set of practice questions I did, it was a disaster, lol. I think I had gotten 1 correct from that section, and that was just a guess too laughing Hopefully there won’t be too much on that particular Physics subject. My strengths are definitely in verbal & bio. Chem & orgo are “ok” and Physics is a war zone that leaves no survivors! But yes, totally with you with the reading. I’m such a speed reader at this point. I can read 300+ page books in 2 days (if its interesting). I looooove sci-fi — hands down my favorite fiction genre. 2nd favorite would be fantasy (dragons, vampires, and the like).

    lol usually kids like school before they get into the upper grade levels, you’re an odd one, Billy laughing Well, I’m gonna load up a movie and call it a night. Goodnight everyone, talk to you ladies tomorrow! Love & prayers to all.

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    spirited

    haha what’s funny though is that it was always still a chore to read a book when i knew i had to for class.. i mean i would eventually do it but i was never happy about it.. yet if i got my hands on that same book and it wasn’t for a class and i didn’t “have to” read it, i would devour it.

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    spirited, yeah i always get red after pomegranates and cactus fruit lol. if i don’t pricked by the latter first sad using tweezers before enjoying a fruit is not fun lol.

    what are you studying for? i miss studying sad i’v always loved reading, no matter what sort it is. when i was in high school i read every single book in the school library, no joke. same with junior high, not so much with elementary school though, i don’t think i liked reading and writing until i hit the 6th grade, before that i was all about religion and getting through the school week just to get to the masjid on the weekends lol. i had this like, magnetic attraction to it. it was much more lax than regular school and i just felt more at peace there. plus we got to sit on the floor and didn’t have to ask to use the bathroom!! can you say yay?! lol i guess for a kid those are pros. i didn’t become a fan of school until i was 10. which is strange considering how much i loved it after that.

  • Spirited

    December 29, 2013

    Salaam everyone

    I hope everyone had (is having) a good weekend.

    I was sooooo lazy today laughing No studying at all, I think I ate too much as well -_o Hopefully I’ll give myself an early start with the books tomorrow, Insha’Allah.

    I’ve been reading what’s been going on (on my phone) but like I said before, replying on the phone is a nightmare with the autocomplete & autocorrect. Finally got around to using my pc happy

    @Marie, it kind of just sounds like your cowife might be insecure about her own situation and just wants some drama. Or maybe she just likes drama and stirring things up laughing But I think you’ve definitely got your head on straight, so don’t let it get to you.

    @Ana, I have to admit, I still find it funny that your husband’s other wife sent you a picture of your husband’s body. I mean…I don’t get it. How would that negatively impact you at all? He’s your husband. If she had sent you some porno, ok yea that would be bad. laughing Well, I think you’ve already figured out why she may have done that, just to try to rile you up because her vacation didn’t go as she would have liked. Its unfortunate that she tried to bother you, but you did already figure out something might happen. You know her pretty well, lol.

    Oh, and I’m happy that you liked that lecture. That’s exactly how I felt when I watched it — I didn’t even notice that it was so long. lol at thinking I was asking you to check it out as a message to you about humility. Not at all, it was just that the lecture made me feel happy, and I felt its always good to be reminded of Allah’s mercy, so I just wanted to pass that on happy (plus, his jokes, and the ones about Pakistani men were funny, in my opinion). Oh, and if you have a netflix account, check out “Sushi: The Global Catch” that’s the documentary I had watched, even though I don’t eat sushi myself, it just sounded interesting (and it was). I’ll see if I can find “Boiler Room” to check out, it sounds like something I would enjoy. I’m still waiting for Feb 2014 to roll around to rent the Tom Hanks movie you recommended (i have the name written down, just not near me at the moment).

    Gail, Jenny, KA and Kim, its good to hear from you ladies again! It sounds like you are all well, I’m glad big grin

    @Billy, I don’t know you very well, but your posts always make me laugh. The way you write is just easy going and “fun” (for lack of a better word).

    Hmmm, as for me, my husband was at home for a day yesterday. Today it was back to work. I’ve been trying to come up something cool to get for our anniversary. I booked a driving experience on a track, but that’s in July and our anniversary is in March so I want to try to get something extra to present on the anniversary. For past anniversaries, I’ve gotten him ties, cufflinks, clothes, belts, watches, even a customized tea cup set (a his & her set that makes a heart when put together). I’m having a hard time thinking of something to get, if you ladies have any suggestions, please feel free to share!

    Also, here’s something interesting. One of my brothers-in-law wants to marry my sister laughing She is (was?) interested in him, and he’s interested in her. He had brought it up a few years ago, but one of my dad’s brothers told my dad not to take him seriously because he didn’t have a stable job, which as Muslims, we know isn’t a good reason to deny someone if both parties are willing. Its kind of funny that he was the only guy my sister actually agreed to marry and since then, she’s refused everyone. My bro-in-law hasn’t spoken to my sister yet because he says he’s ashamed of what his brother (my husband) has done, he says my husband has shamed the entire family. Bro-in-law talked to my mom and and she said whatever his brother does doesn’t reflect on him because they are two different people. He asked me for advice on how to propose to my sister laughing Then asked me to talk to her and see if she was still interested because as far as he can tell (they talk on facebook occassionally) she’s still interested. But I told him my mom will have to handle it because my sister thinks I’m an idiot for not divorcing my husband, so she’s not likely to take anything I say seriously.

    Anyways, I thought that was interesting. I didn’t think he was still waiting for my sister. My mom has quite a few concerns, and to be honest, I can’t really say anything about it. Personally, I’m pretty sure my sister will refuse him, it seems to me that she wants to be single permanently — she’s seen too many instances of husbands turning out to be deadbeats, cheaters, adulterers, etc., etc. Well, lets see what happens. I’m off to be lazy some more (yay lazy!) and eat some fresh pomegranate! Whoooo! Although I always end up with red fingers for a few days…getting the pieces out ends up being fairly messy laughing

    Ok ladies, talk to you later and please forgive me if I miss someone, I’m kind of scatterbrained for the time being~

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    i’m thinking of doing weight watchers? anyone here ever try it out? i really need to lose 20 pounds to get back to my old jeans sad

    my stepwife said her sister tried it and lost 50 pounds, 2 pounds a week for 25 weeks, without working out, but that was 10 years or more ago.

    its supposedly point counting?

    maybe i should just go back to calorie counting.. i mean that did work.. my jeans are just MOCKING ME! sad look at them acting all cocky in my closet.. saying “you’ll never fit into me again you fatty”.. makes me sad. i’m even too lazy to work out now sad and i use to love working out. need to find a hot yoga studio. that should whip me back in shape. i don’t know i’m just so lazy now. dumb pregnancy sad it really did me in. imagine i did full term.

    ana, good luck getting rid of me now happy

    i wish we could vacation together. you seem like a mellow person i’d get along with in real life lol.

    DOORBELL!!!!!!! someone is here. why did i just type that? lol i’ll get back here to chit chat later.

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    god eww, i can’t believe i just typed that!! bad muslim girl! bad! bad!!!

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    ana just ignore her from this point forward. do your own thing, let her do/say what she wishes. let her text to her hearts content..lifes too short to be dragged down by certain people.

    cough cough. lol.

    you know, just to grind her gears, you should have replied to that photo “eh, had enough of that when he was here, it was fun but it gets boring, enjoy it while he can still get it up” with a big old smiley face lol.

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    i don’t go on resort vacations ana lol, but i thought of you when i saw the pretty dresses, knowing how you vacation. i’m a homebody. i prefer sitting and painting, drawing, writing, reading, with a warm cup of something by the fire. i love solitude, so i would never go out of my way to travel to a place where i’d be around people, touring, lol.

    i always tell my husband i wanna go away to paris, fez, greece… but ALONE!! lol. not with him. i love him to death but no, alone is best for me. i actually went to italy alone once, of course my family didn’t know or they’d be so worried, but he knew. it was so nice, relaxing. i did what i wanted, went to the places i wanted (this my husband would have been bored to death doing). i sat by the ocean once on a pier just drawing. it was soooooooooooooo calming and i came back so refreshed (haha, as though i had a job or something waiting for me back home lol, j/k)

    so when i travel, i don’t bring hubby along. like, ever. its part of why i always knew i wouldn’t have an issue with polygamy. i welcome free time.

    its usually a vacation from him lol. i love him.. but sometimes you just need a break to get back to yourself..

    honest ana, when your husband is on a vacation with his co, i’m surprised you don’t capitalize on that time and go on a trip on your own.. trust me, certain places are nice when you’re flying solo. give it a try. you might love it lol. plus absence makes the heart grow fonder

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    ana with all due respect i don’t need you to apologize for me sad love you like a sis but no, girl, please, never, ever, apologize for me. nobody should apologize for anyone. that’s not how life works.. its like alex coming to you and apologizing for “c” and all the headache she causes.. doesn’t work that way. if a person doesn’t apologize for themselves, it is pretty much a pointless apology done to appease a person and shut them up. i guess if you’re just looking to appease her, by all means, apologize to your hearts content, but there will be no apology for me, as i meant nothing of what she thought i said.

    if she has an issue, she can re-read what i wrote. i’m not a racist.

    if someone wants to get overtly dramatic, they may. its their prerogative, it isn’t mine. i know the type of person i am and i would never insult one person, let alone a whole people.

    but to compare the word jew to nigger is laughable. i’m sorry. the connotations are totally off. i used the word jew as short for jewish people, not as an insult., just like i use the word arab as short for arabic people. had i used an actual jew slang, then she’d have every reason to be offended and afforded an apology.

    ~~~

    jenny,

    i do recall a post where you pretty much blasted pakistani women about how hairy they were, among other things, just because you don’t like your co, now THAT was offensive, it was so stereotypical that it made ME sick to just read it, and that was when i decided you weren’t worth replies/posts,this was last year, as i know a lot of women from pakistan who are beauties, but i kept my mouth shut because your beliefs are YOUR own. as a matter of fact i even stopped reading your posts. so, as for me, stating what my mother believes and wants me to take note of as her daughter, buzz off if you really think that makes me a racist. and don’t bring the kids into this, they study the quran and watch al-jazeera news, trust me, they don’t need me to degrade jews, as i won’t, since i’m not that type of person..

    ~~
    ana,

    am i going to apolgise? yeah sure, as soon as she apologizes for the crap she’s been saying left and right about the pakistani women, my actual sisters in islam. until then she shouldn’t expect an apology.

    yeah, right, who am i kidding, even then i wouldn’t apologize considering i meant nothing by what i said. if she wants to believe i did because her mind goes to dark places, let her. its her life, its her choice. god didn’t put me on this earth to bend to her will and make her feel fine and dandy, and in the end, he’s my judge, not she.

    so i’m sorry ana, if what i said made you agitated, but i meant nothing by it, and you should be well aware of that. at least i hope you are. i don’t need to be filtered or edited, not for jennys sake, not for anyones sake. if someone wants to call me out on what i say, let them. i can handle myself. as much as i don’t like confrontation, if i deserve it, i’ll be able to handle it, if not, i’ll be able to defend myself against it.

    i’v worked side by side with jews since i started working back when i was fresh from med school. i had some good friends who were jews at work. jews. jews. jews. am i saying it with disgust in my voice? hmm… no, i’m not. its short for jewish people, just like arab is short for an arabic person.

    ~~

    jenny,

    i’ll end with this, get over yourself. must be hard to be you if you walk around life thinking everytime someone shortens a word they’re being insulting. its 2013, what word isn’t shortened in this day and age? i’m not entertaining your allegations on the nature of my words beyond this point. kifaya. i’m over it. lifes too short to talk to people who agitate you. goodbye.

    ~~~

    KA126, thank you for reading what i wrote and not just assuming i meant something degrading by it happy are you new? i don’t remember you from last year. maybe my memory is foggy ? sad have a happy sunshiny day happy actually, lol, night, have a nice and happy night inshallah happy

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    @alwaysforgive, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I just want to mention; I don’t think anyone thinks they know the Quran better than the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) did. The Quran was revealed to him. He lived the Quran. He’s one of our examples the same as all the other Prophets (PBUH). I don’t think anyone here implied or inferred that the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) didn’t know the message he delivered.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    A problem that some of these men have is that they don’t have the correct understanding when it comes to Islam. For instance, Alex could (I’m not saying he does) look at what is happening with “C”, him, and me and think there are injustices. She has to work. I don’t. She get the short end of the stick as she sees him less than me, and things of the sort.

    The thing is they fail to realize that Allah determines what each one of us will receive and what we do. Allah swt says He has given some more than others. It doesn’t mean they get it due to merit only. He give some certain things so they will be agonized by it. He could give a man more than one wife to agonize him with them. Not everything we receive from Allah swt is a blessing. We don’t know why Allah gives us what He does. He rewards some as they spend as He tells them to. He has made some to work for others. He says all of this. There is so much to Islam that we need to know. It is another reason a man cannot be just when it come to more than one wife. Men are not in control of what a wife gets. He is only a vehicle to deliver some of what wives receives from Allah swt.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    @Gail,

    You truly have come a long ways. You slapped your husbands face, and did it more than once; say, what surprise. I laughed when I read it (I needed a good laugh); although it was no laughing matter. My husband let me know that if I ever think to get froggy polygamy 411 I had better think again because he’s not having it. He’ll hit me right back. I suggest you not try it again, Sis Gail.

    It’s weird. It’s seems some men like it more when women dog them out. Whasss up with that? I think if I jerked Alex around the way his ex-wife and “C” has done, I’d have less aggravation from him and her i dont know

    No, “C”, Alex and I were never the “poster children” for polygamy. What makes it have a semblance of working is that Alex follows the rules. I try to obey and serve Allah. “C” and I don’t communicate. What makes it not work is when she begins to make demands when she doesn’t get her desires fulfilled and she wants to take from me. Instead of Alex nipping it in the bud and shutting her down, he tries to accommodate her. It’s asinine in that it happens the same way every single time and we get the same outcome. She doesn’t get what she wants. We go through it all for nothing. When will the two of them learn from their mistakes?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    @KA126,

    Yes. I think you are absolutely right about your coco. I too believe she only says she wants to go back to her country in an effort to get your husband to do what she wants. She wants to go back there as much as she wants a hole in her head. It’s a blatant cry for attention. I’d love to see her face if your husband were to say, okay, lets start making the arrangements to get you there. I bet she’d straighten up and fly right quite quickly.

    Alex’s stepson’s new wife just pulled that crap on him. The sad part about it is one of her family members bought the ticket for her. The day before it came time for her to leave, she said she was staying. She didn’t go back. It’s all a ploy.

    What annoys me is that many of these men fall for the shenanigans. I know if my husband stood up to his other and stopped entertaining her baseless arguments, she’d shut her face and “deal” (as Gail would say) the situation at hand. The woman hasn’t gotten it through her thick scull that this is polygamy, not monogamy. It’s not just about him and her. I’m here too. I count. I won’t allow her to TAKE anything from me without putting up a fight. She has a crazy sense of entitlement.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    @marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Your situation further confirms to me that we can’t do anything unless Allah swt decrees it. Some may ask, “Why don’t the two of them just go ahead and get married already?” We know it’s not that simply.

    Marie, just continue to do exactly what you have been doing, which is what Allah swt says, exercise patience and persevere in all that betides you. Allah swt has a plan. Keep your cool about you. You have a beautiful new baby and a wonderful husband. You have much, much, and more to be thankful to Allah swt for. It’s all good. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    December 29, 2013

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    @Ana, I’m glad my comment gave you opportunity to let us know what was happening with you alhamdulilah. In my case I’d be able to handle it better if other actually had some right to ask my hub for things, but she doesn’t, she acts as though he owes her something, his responsibility is towards the children. She has as much rights as a sister he meets on the street who needs help. If she wants to release tension there are other outlets for that and hub is not one of them. I could even understand if her outburst were actually valid but there not. One time she was angry because hubz left the kids with me while he went to his regular lesson at the masjid (which she new about) instead of dropping them back home, which he was going to do but she never answered her mobile or house phone, what was he supposed to do sit outside her house until she decides to come home. I know it sounds like her anger is only directed towards hubz but she doesn’t leave me out of it and refers to me as “your people” when talking to hubz, I’m like does she mean YOU’RE WIFE, Ok venting done (I hope)

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    Dear Jenny,

    Please don’t be upset about what Billy said. I agree with KA126 that Billy stated how her mother feels and Billy doesn’t share her mother’s sentiments. Billy certainly doesn’t feel that way or she’d not shop Ralph Lauren. She even put a “LOL” besides the statement.

    Perhaps it was in pour taste for her to repeat it, especially as you are Jewess and our Gail here shares Jewish sentiments. I was a bit taken back when I first read it (I’m like – OH no). I immediately thought of you, and didn’t want you to be offended. I didn’t know what KA126 was referring to when I read her comment, as I had totally forgotten about what Billy had said (I was so wrapped up in my own situation). I had to go back and read Billy’s comment.

    In the future, Insha Allah, I will delete anything such as it from a comment. It’s just that sometime I don’t have time to read all the comments before I approve them. I just see who they are from (which I can’t do any longer on my phone) and then I approve them for our regular blog family members here.

    I don’t know or care who manufacturer clothes, cars, sneakers, coffee or what have you. If I like something, I’m going to buy it (God Willing), and don’t give diddly squat about anything else. Every now and again I may hear something such as it and it goes in one ear and out the other. I’ve even heard African Americans say black people shouldn’t support Tommy Hilfiger because he hates black people. Something was going on with sneakers at one time too; maybe it was
    Air Jordans” or something. idk. I only know that I don’t get caught up in stuff like it. I’m not a racist. I don’t dislike people based on race,color or creed.

    Just, let it go, Jenny. It’s okay. I apologize to you for Billy. I truly believe she didn’t mean you harm. She’s a good person. It’s okay, Jenny Smiley gets a big hug

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    @Billy,

    I know you’re very busy, and get here when you can. I just miss you so. You bring the sunshine with you whenever you’re here. You’re a really nice person and loads of fun.

    You and ummof4′s husband both mentioned the “trust” issue with regard to “C” and what she did. To think she had the audacity to tell Alex that he should never trust me again after I went into his cell phone. Sneaking into someone else cell phone can’t come close to what she did. She violated him in a very serious way. She put his private parts out there in cyberspace. She gave me evidence for a court case against him. She may not see the seriousness in snapping pics of someone naked. It may make no difference to her whatsoever. Remember, she snapped pics of her naked body and sent them to Alex’s phone and I saw them.

    Billy,

    My wali/bestess said the same as you – that Alex needs to choose between her and me. He needs to get rid of one of us and get another, if he wants another, but this just isn’t working, and won’t work. He said Alex was wrong to get with her from the beginning. It’s apparent she wanted no parts of Islam. She only wanted Alex. She knows nothing of Islam and the workings of it. She couldn’t begin to understand that Allah swt controls everything, and is in charge of all things, including the schedule that Alex, she and I deal with.

    I don’t think Alex is strong enough to make a choice unless someone forces him. I won’t ask him to make a choice, as I like my lifestyle. I like my freedom and I like him being my companion too. He’s a super good guy.It is like living a single and married life combined for me. I’d cut off my nose to spite my face, if I asked him to choose, regardless of which one of us he chooses.

    One thing I will say is what I said in an earlier post. If she keeps trying to jerk me around the way she’s done, I may have to walk from this marriage. I already alerted Alex. Enough is enough. I’m fed up. If I walk, it won’t be pretty for her. She may end up destitute and lose the little doll house she has near the river. She needs to get herself in check.

    Billy, another thing you said is that she may be jealous of the blog that we all have here as an outlet. I think you again made a valid point. I don’t know who she has to talk with, if anyone who could give her advice that is beneficial.

    A thing I won’t forget, though, is she had written to me on the blog, saying this blog was going to drive me crazy. She’s good for saying stupid stuff that makes no sense whatsoever. It shows where her head is – up her @$$. I believe she reads this blog from time to time and it alone would drive HER crazy, especially when she is being talked about, and can’t respond. She’s finding out a lot about Alex and me. A blog can become addictive and even if one wants to leave it, at times they find they can’t. If this blog will drive anyone crazy as she stated, it will be her. This blog is therapeutic for everyone else.

    Billy, thanks for the info. about resort wear. I definitely need to go to the website. You, Jenny, Fatima, Lynnette, Spirited (I don’t mean to miss anyone) are a wealth of information (facial creams, restaurants, sushi etc.) I love it here big grin

    @Marie,

    I had been debating with myself whether to mention here on the blog what was happening in my life now. I would begin to write and then would delete it. You mentioning that your husband’s other was at it again, gave me an opening to jump in and say, my husband’s other is at it again too happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    December 29, 2013

    @Jenny,

    Billy was stating what her mother thought. Since she is still supporting RL, it is apparent she doesn’t feel the same.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    KA126,

    In my case with his other, I think it has more to do with her not being able to see him the way she’d like to due to her job. It’s a 24/7 job and I think her shift many times conflict with our marriage schedule. Say for instance, she works 5:00 p.m. till 2:00 a.m., and gets home and situated by 3:00 a.m., she would only see him for 2 1/2 hours on her day before he has to get up and get ready to go off to work.

    I think Billy called it. “C” may be very jealous of the time I get to spend with Alex, as I don’t work The mere fact that I don’t work and she has to is working her, nerves especially since she’s got a butt kicking job. The work at those places (fast food joints) is no joke, even if one is a manager there. When those kids don’t show up for a shift, which kids many times do (don’t show up), she has to get in there and do the job. She has to wear many hats there. It’s a hellish position.

    To think Alex and I are leisurely laying around chilling all the time whenever he and I are together isn’t easy for her to take either. Sometimes we end up laying around with each other for a FULL 3 days, depending on how the schedule falls. Sometimes he takes a Friday off and we have the whole weekend, or a holiday may fall on a Monday, giving us an extra-long weekend. Whenever he comes home from work, I’m home. He and I will have tonight Mon, Tues, and the day on Wed before he leaves. It’s a mini. vac for us and I think she got worked up cuz they call her in part of her vac. last week. It’s why she wants my time. She wanted to change the schedule. I’m like heck no. He gave me the schedule weeks ago and I accepted it. Partially through her vacation she has problems with work, and want to change the schedule – no dice.

    Alex is a very attentive person, so I can’t see there being a lack of it for her. He follows the schedule. He simply gets heavy duty pressure from her when it comes to her wanting what she wants. It always boils down to the same thing, she wanting my time because the schedule doesn’t do it for her. I can name every single time Alex and I had major problems in our marriage. It’s always because she doesn’t like her schedule or she can’t stand that I go away with Alex on vacations. She gets the exact same amount of vacation as I do and the schedule is “Even, Steven”. No one gets more or less.

    I see myself being able to work with a sister, if she had problem with a work situation the way “C” does. I won’t work with her, as I’ve been through hell and back with her from the time I learned he was going to “marry” her till now. She’s never wanted any parts of me, and never made an effort to work with me with regard this polygamous relationship. Now, Alex thinks it’s a good idea for her and me to sit down together and be friends. I’m no fool – the way she’d like to think of me. I know the only reason she would communicate with me is to get an advantage with the schedule. It would take pressure off Alex, as well, as he wouldn’t have to deal with the schedule any longer. No. I ain’t happening. I want nothing to do with the likes of a person such as her. No way.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    @ummof4,

    Thank you much for mentioning my situation to your husband. It’s nice to get a male perspective. Your husband is a strong, sound, smart talking man. He wouldn’t stand for such nonsense. You’d know not to try to pull anything like it with him from the start, without him having to ever say anything. Your dignified, upstanding character would present it, as well. Thank you for sharing his thoughts with us.

    I’ve got to get my focus back on Allah swt though. Something like this shakes us and makes us have to dig deep to focus of Him and not on the SITUATION itself. It get tough, but I intend to do it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    December 29, 2013

    @ Billy,

    You caused me to lose sleep after I read your post with your racist comment. I was going to keep quiet, but keeping quiet is causing my stomach to burn.

    Without using caustic language and intense sarcasm, I’m just going to say you were dead ass wrong for repeating such a thing. I have lost all respect for you.

    It just so happened it was a comment about “Jews.” We are Jewish people, not a Jew. It is like calling someone of color the N word.

    It is my sincerest wish you don’t treat these loving jokes and world view to the children. I am glad you are the only perfect person in the world ~ above reproach.

    May G-d bless you!

  • KA126

    December 29, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum

    After sleeping on @Ana’s situation, I realized that these antics may actually be a cry for attention. Ana, your husband may not be giving her the attention she desired. She is aware of how close you two are, so attacking you will get your husband to call or go over there. As with children sometimes, negative or positive… it is still attention.

    After much thought, even my CoCo saying she wants to go to Africa is an attention getter. Habibi still hasn’t been going to see her even after discovering her pregnancy. Saying she wants to go back home is an attempt to get more attention. That is why I shut down. I don’t mention or comment on such things. She will not get added attention with any help from me.

  • ummof4

    December 29, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, I had to read your post several times, I laughed at how ridiculous it was, then I shook my head at the asinine behavior of your husband’s other wife, then I thanked Allah that my husband married someone with some sense and then I asked Allah to save me from such foolishness,, and to save you and your husband from any more of the asinine, disgusting, perverted actions.

    I don’t mention everything we discuss with my husband, but I did mention this. His response was that he would divorce any wife who did that immediately for several reasons.
    1. She completely disrespected her husband and his right to the privacy of his naked body.
    2. She deliberately tried to offend his other wife (you, Ana).
    3. She can no longer be trusted. If she could send a picture of his penis when she is angry or jealous, she could also cut it off or do something else to his body while he is asleep.
    4. She is not only immature, she has some mental issues that need treatment. Until she receives the proper treatment, she is a danger for her husband and his other wife.

    Of course, your husband will do whatever he believes is best for himself and his sanity. I am making du’ah that you keep your level head and continue to worship Allah properly. As you say often, that is what really matters in the long run.

  • marie

    December 29, 2013

    Asalaamu alaykum all

    @Ana really your Hubs “wife” sounds a nasty piece of work. What would she get from sending such a message. She must be really annoyed that you’re content with your lifestyle, hehe im glad you’ve released the tension and regrouped alhamdulilah.

    @Gail, gosh where do I start, it’s been an ongoing thing since hubz and I married, every time she gets her nickers in a twist she calls hubz verbally abuse him and try to control the way we run our home. She basically calls us bad Muslims because we don’t label ourselves salafi. She said we are not to teach the kid’s Islam because we have a wrong belief then in the next breath says when her son come here we must teach him something huh I think she’s crazy with a bad attitude. She more interested in what’s going on in my house than she is with her own. Hubz and her kids are constantly saying they want to live with us. We just had his eldest daughter stay with us for a few weeks. Two days back at home he’s back down there sorting problems because his daughter calls crying that she wants to come back to ours. She says things like we’re playing happy family’s and her household is unhappy. In my opinion that is because she’s trying to control her kids lives the same as she try to control ours. She wants everything her way and then changes her mind when it suits her. She told my hub she don’t need no help an leave her alone, then texts asking for money for the kids as apparently he’s not providing for them,which is bulls@it because I know exactly what he gives her, what she really mean is he’s not providing the things she wants, and wrongly believes that he gives more to my son’s than he does to her kids. Like I said it’s always something I could go on all day. She wants us to be as miserable as her.

    Salaams to all

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    omg ana i must tell you of my re-appearing love. lilly pulitzer.. i swear, next time you go away, GO ON THEIR SITE and get your resort wear from there!!

    i forget about them a lot since i only use them for warm weather clothes sad but i just visited their site today and the dresses are to die for, new styles!! (at least for me lol, haven’t been around for nearly a year) ^_^ i’m so ordering a couple. and i’v always been a fan of their “elsa” shirts. they’re super modest. i’m gonna get a couple as a gift for my stepwife, she saw one of mine when i got back from syria and she loved it.

    why is he snoring so much today? god bless lol. i love him anyway but i mean really. i need earplugs if i am to sleep.

  • billy

    December 29, 2013

    ana you really are a strong woman.

    honest, if my co was anything like yours i would be crying myself to sleep every night. i’m not one for confrontation and i’m certainly not one to stomach those type of photos sent to me regardless of who sends them, my own husband included, thankfully he isn’t the type to send icky photos.

    i’m sorry. i do read and come here, mostly on my phone, but i get caught up cuz the kids are in and out of here, plus my husband started his own business before i came and its gotten crazy big already, and i’m semi getting ready to go back to work, but lazying out at the same time. i enjoy my life of leisure too much sad lol. i’m a lazy b* .. and to add insult to injury me and my stepwife get along & spend a lot of time together (haha jk its not an injury or insulting. i always liked her. then again she’s a believing woman who would never pull the crap “c” does. i pray to god she doesn’t change. its in his hands really)

    sometimes i think your co is just jealous of the time you get with your husband since you don’t work.. and i take it she may also be jealous that you have a place to vent (this here blog) and your own life away from alex.. she’s probably all like “leave her, she has her own life when you’re not there, so why are you still around, blah blah blah”

    i just put in a HUGEEEEEEEEEEEE order of clothes for my stepwifes kids (lol stepwife still sounds funnY!!). (okay.. the order is probably mostly for me.. but…less guilt when i add a few things for other people.. no shoppers remorse! plus lord and taylor, huge sale online today)

    am i the only one in love with ralph lauren clothes? i spent a fortune on his site. my mom keeps telling me to stop supporting him because he’s a jew lol. but the thing with me is, i can’t be a billboard.. i’m not one to wear clothing that are obviously a certain brands (by way of a photo or big name logo). i choose the classy route, clothes that are plain or decorative with no company logo. i get that from ralph lauren for the most part..

    why did i just add that?

    i’m bored.

    my husbands asleep next to me lol. i feel bad being up. typing away. shhhhh. lol i can imagine taking a pic of his junk.. UGH! would be hard though cuz his boxers are on. he’s over the whole sleeping in the buff bit. i guess he got over that when he realized kids were around? lol. good. i had to wash the sheets way more often way back when he’d do that. i just felt they were always icky.

    no, i’m not a lesbian, i don’t have an aversion to mens junk. i just don’t.. ehh.. idk how to put it.. its better put away until hanky panky time. lol, then its welcomed. eww i feel so dirty typing that!

    sometimes i wonder how i escaped the nut house lol.

    goodnight ana!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    and i’m sorry you have to put up with trash sad may god guide her, if not for anything else, then for your sanity. happy i really did miss you when i was in syria. i feel we connected.

    anyway i should go.. my gosh my husbands been snoring a LOT as of recent.

    still love him sad

    maybe he needs nose strips? or is it a seasonal thing? idk. i’ll worry about it another time. odds are i’ll forget by morning lol.

  • ana

    December 29, 2013

    Oh, and one more thing. If she had any sense she’ know – you don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

    Now, I think I’ve released enough. I’m going to try to pull myself together and try to remember Allah. I lost myself for a moment – the other me (my lower self) took over.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    KA126, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You made a good point, maybe without realizing it. It doesn’t matter which order a wife comes in; there could be bad in any of them. Alex’s other is only doing to me what some first wives do to seconds. I know it doesn’t matter what number the wife is in the marriage. We just use numbers here on the blog to know who is who, as sometimes the circumstances and conditions are different, depending on which sequence the wives were married in.

    If “C” keeps messing with me, I’ll tell Alex to divorce her @$$ and if he doesn’t do it, I’ll divorce his and get a hefty alimony check each month. Then where will she be when he can’t afford to give her the money he’s been giving her? Furthermore, the divorce attorney advised me that all the money he has given her over the years, he’d have to give it to me. I suppose we’d have to figure out how much it’s been for the last seven years and I’d get half of it, as it’s marital property. If she wants to play hard ball, we can play. It’s just a thought thinking She’s messing with the wrong one. She’s barking up the wrong tree.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    December 28, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    @Ana, wow the things we have to go through… subhana Allah…. C sounds just as crazy as my CoCo… but even more immature. Great idea to keep it in safe keeping. In sha Allah you will never have to use it. This surely is an example that a husband has to really think about the women they bring into the family. The maturity level, their deen, and contribution in the least should be considered. Only thinking about sex brings nothing but trouble and they may lose the good thing they had going in the first place.

    @Gail,

    I didn’t consider that aspect. Shukran (thanks) I am VERY concerned about my security just in case things go wrong. I have been making ishtikarah. I mean I am very strong and have been very independent all my life. This would be the first time that I have ever been this submissive, this dependent on a man. Maybe this is the trial (fitnah) for me on top of my marriage. In sha Allah, I will pass the test. In sha Allah.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    It’s just sooooo annoying when you have a wife who has given up 1/2 her time with her husband and 1/2 his money so another woman can have the other half and a husband, but she’s not content with it. She wants it ALL. She wants what she’s got and what you’ve got too. It infuriates me. Here I’m trying to accept Allah’s decision and be content, satisfied and grateful for what I have, but I’ve got to fight to keep the little bit I’ve got. I don’t understand how women like it think. She can’t be grateful to a human being let alone be thankful to Allah for anything.

    There are women out there dealing with wives who tell them to divorce the other wife or she’d leave, and the husband gets rid of the other wife. There are Muslim women who wouldn’t accept a polygamous marriage and the other woman who loves the man is sh!T out of luck. She doesn’t get the man. She has to do without him. There are wives who tell the husband not to spend nights with the other wife and he won’t. There are men who have to sneak off and see another wife. I don’t stand in the way of what is right. I do none of the stuff that some first wives or Muslim women do. Nonetheless, I’m stuck with one of the worse type of woman there is that’s “married” to my husband – the absolute WORSE. It has to be a test. I can’t say I’m passing it. I can only pray to get better. sigh

    Billy,

    I’m glad you’re back. Where have you been, woman? You stay away too long. Try to get better, Insha Allah.

    We’ll I’m going to go take a shower and then eat my frozen vegetarian Lasagna that’s in the oven. I went out today and purchased the DVD “Job” with Aston Kushner in it. So, Insha Allah, I’m going to retire this evening on it. I’ll keep checking for posts, Insha Allah.

    Oh, yes, Spirited, the movie “Boiler Room” is very good. It’s an old movie. If you liked “Wall Street” with Michael Douglas, you’ll like “Boiler Room.”

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • billy

    December 28, 2013

    okay.. gave it a lil more thought..

    i am so, seriously so, disgusted by that.

    whoa.

    i mean like whoa.

    idk.. i guess it takes a small brain to find that sort of trash okay?

    good god woman.

    get away

    get far…far….FAR away..

    i’m sorry but if i were you, just for that bit of filth, i’d make him chose and i’d make him chose NOW.

    you or her.

    i mean now she’s texing you photos of him sleeping in the buff.

    doesn’t he fear what she’ll do when she’s BEYOND pissed?

    i mean like.. she could really put it on him.. and i’m not talking physically like you said.. i’m talking his image in general. a person really needs to have low self esteem or low self worth to put up with that sort of trash (not you, him.).

    i mean, you, as a person, if someone were to take advantage of you in a state such as sleep.. would you really trust yourself near them?! like EVER?!

  • billy

    December 28, 2013

    okie dokie LOL

    oh my god

    i mean seriously

    wtf was she thinking?!

  • billy

    December 28, 2013

    ana OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    wait wait wait let me digest this please.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    Ana,
    I had no idea things have got so nasty and ugly.That makes me sad to hear that.I have like this perfect picture of you and Alex and C as the poster children for Polygamy marriage.Not because you guys are perfect but because somehow against all odds you manage somehow to make it work.
    Life sure has a funny way of putting up speed bumps and road blocks and crazy twist and turns doesn’t it.For what it is worth I agree with you in order to make polygamy work everyone must be on the same page and work at being respectful.I guess thats why I don’t have to many hard feelings towards my cowife simply because she never gave me grief when it came to my husband.Are differences were I am raising the children so all children are under my authority and not hers so what I say goes.That was like a HUGE thing for her.She tried to undermine me so many times and boy it took all I had not to get physical with her.I should mention I did get physical with hubby on a few occasions.I will be honest I have slapped him in the face and made him see stars on more than one occasion.I am not proud of that but I did loose control.
    I lost control so bad in Pakistan 2 years ago I locked him out of the home for like 3 days.All 3 of my little kids were sick and I had honestly very very small amount of food to feed the children with.I went hungry myself the last day so I could make certain they had enough food and to top it all off I didn’t have a fridge to keep our meat in so it had to stay out for 3 days.My husband or cowife never once offered to leave us food.I guess they though they could starve us out.To make matters worse I thought to walk to a bakery with my children and just slip out the front door(My husband and cowife always used the back door as it is connected to my inlaws garage). I decided not to chance it out of fear that people would stare at us and the 1% possibility we could be in problem.Strangely on the 3rd day my husband scaled the roof and climbed through the bars on the roof and got into the house and begged me to open the door.At the time I honestly thought he might kill me strangely.After all I was an American in Pakistan and I was at the mercy of my husbands kindness or lack thereof.Again Strangely after I finally said F@@K it and opened the door i went and sat on the bed and instead of being angry he fell at my feet and begged me to forgive him.
    I don’t know why I am sharing this other than the fact that I feel polygamy as a whole is so very emotionally painful for everyone involved.Later on the next day the news came my exhusband had went into a diabetic coma and my 17 yr old was back here in USA alone.I prayed everyday that my exhusband not die until i got back to USA to be with our son.He died within 24 hours after I landed in USA.I am very grateful because I was able to take my son to the hospital and let him say goodbye to his father.Ok enough of strolling down memory lane.The last 2 years if my life have changed me so much.I am not the same person I used to be and I am so grateful for the person that I am becoming.

  • Aishah2013

    December 28, 2013

    Ana thank you again for the blog and thanks Allah for letting you have it.its a great place to let it out.I myself am going thru another something but I feel more at peace with it and able to let God handle it so its OK….funny hub said he prefers older women but they ..guess he meant have more expectations have lived some life, and younger are more…grateful or something he said, maybe not the word/ think he meant they look for/ appreciate more guidance, but ” are a headache cause they are less mature”.hee hee yeah baby.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No one could even make this stuff up. I just can’t believe it myself. I’m still trying to believe it. I sit shaking my head at times. I feel badly for Alex. I know he must be so ashamed. He knows I couldn’t keep this to myself. I told my mom and I told my wali/bestess what happened. They were in a state of disbelief and disgust. My mom said she’s “trash”. My wali/bestess says her heart is very dark and dirty. He faults Alex for bringing a woman of that calibre into our union. He fears that me being associated with the two of them will land me in the Hellfire.

    Alex and I are just fine. It’s only when she doesn’t get her way and begins to freak that we have a problem in our marriage. She puts pressure on Alex to take from me to give to her. It’s way crazy. Sigh, I feel better since I’ve let it out and spoke about it here. I was trying to keep it to myself, after I spoke with my mom and my wali/bestess about it. Sometimes we just got to get it out.

    @alwaysforgive, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I didn’t forget about you. I’ve just fallen behind now. I’m trying to do some things around the house here and reply on the blog at the same time LOL. Please bear with me, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    KA126,
    OH Girl are u 100% sure about selling your home?I would encourage u to look at every angle before u just up and agree to that because your children from your previous marriage are depending on you.I don’t want u to think I am against your husband but For G.D sake woman do not mix love and money if u and your children from a previous marriage could come out on the loosing end.
    Ok if u ask me which u are not but I am going to give my 2 cents worth anyway to you and u can thank me later.If your hubby is being fair with you then have him put the same exact amount your home is worth of his property on your name then sell your home but if he is not willing to do that then u better tell him thanks but no thanks.If your home is worth the value of lets say 2 of his rentals then u have him Deed 2 rentals on your name.I learned the really hard way to keep love and money separate unless u want to be living hand to mouth.I would never be so trusting again with my husband.He is not G.D or even a Saint that I would gamble my or my childrens future.Please make no mistake if u do not secure yourself I believe it is a form of gambling.Maybe I am wrong but thats how I see it.So pleaseeeee think hard before u just up and sell your home.

  • Aishah2013

    December 28, 2013

    Salaams.Ana that’s a funny story.wow.but Gail is right.have u accidently ever sent a text to wrong person like OMG I hit the forward button? I did accidently forward one to Co once, it wasn’t too bad, but I’m afraid to send pics into cyberspace or who knows where?! your schedule? that’s just the way the days fall.she will have to accept that.

  • KA126

    December 28, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum @Gail,

    It has been quiet in my neck of the woods, Alhumdulillah…. I haven’t mentioned the pregnancy so far. Habibi has informed me that she would like to go back to Africa. I’m like Alhumdulillah either way. I believe it would be good for all of us, but Allah knows best. I am leaving it all to Allah Subhana wa ta’ala, because believe me if it was up to me I wouldn’t be in this situation, lol….. Subhana Allah..

    As far as my job is concerned, I believe it will be all straightened out after the holiday season in sha Allah… I am still confused on how this new alignment is going. Habibi has decided that we will be selling my house and moving into one of his properties. I tried to speak to him today about that. I explained that I was wary about doing that since the dynamics of his family is changing and I don’t want him down the line saying I need to move to make room for CoCo. He says that won’t happen and I have no choice but to believe him because he has proven to be an honest man. That is how I found out that she may be moving to Africa. We shall see.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    Gail,

    I think Alex is mortified by what she’s done. I think he is highly embarrassed. All I know is I’m keeping a copy. I have it safely placed away. Only Allah swt knows the future. What I do know is that pic will come in handy in a legal battle should Alex and I get divorced. It’s got the date, time and her phone number on it. He could say it’s not him, but we’ll have him whip it out for examination. It appears she took the pic while he was sleeping. If I were him, I’d be concerned that she may cut off his pecker one night, if she gets reeeeeally angry and have a momentary lapse of memory. In a heat of passion, she could snap, crackle and POP. She definitely gets down with the nude picks, though.

    Gail, you mentioned that Alex is a huge asset in “C”‘s life. It’s what I said to him when I found out she was freaking out about not getting New Years Eve. Here the woman gets every single X-mas, which I don’t want. She takes every single 4th of July week for vacation, which I don’t care. Yet, when I get a holiday, only because the schedule falls that way, she thinks she’s entitled to take it from me. She an ungrateful, GREEDY -itch. She catches a case of the A$$ every time my vacation rolls around or when a holiday doesn’t fall on her day. The woman is missing some screws upstairs. She’s not playing with a full deck.

    I don’t know whether Alex will discuss it with me or not when he gets in tomorrow. I don’t intend to bring it up unless he does. Gail, let me tell you, it’s been an eventful last 10 days for he, she and me. I have an eerie feeling that if this type of stuff continues, someone is going to get hurt; I don’t mean emotionally or psychologically, but physically. I’m going to keep turning to Allah for His protection.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    Ana,
    I have to ask u does Alex know she is taking nude pics of him?I have done some wild things in my life as u well know but dang I would be so freaked out that those pics could get into the wrong hands by accident or worse yet someone could pic up C phone and just see that stuff.I know it is none of my business but if Alex is doing that thing and they do have a sexual based relationship I would think C might have showed some of her GF at some point like some kind of teenager showing off her super hot boyfriend.If I were Alex I would be very careful if C is so quick to be snapping nude pics and sending to you without a moments thought in her head.I will even go as far to say she has no respect for Alex to disrespect him like that.Very Very Very shame shame on C when Alex is such a huge asset to her life.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    KA126,
    I am curious whats going on with you and your husband and job and cowife pregnancy.Right now your life is very interesting and I am way curious how u will handle it.I am thinking about you and hoping all is well with you.

    Kim,
    Not certain what is going on with u I was trying to pick up on it but could never totally figure out what is going on.Did u have a change of heart and decided not to divorce I am confused whats going on with you.Please let me know whats going on I am worried about u.I thought u were emotionally ok with the divorce now I am not so certain.So again please let me know how u are doing.Oh also I am really sorry to hear your son and GF are having issues.I hate drama so much.
    How is your daughter doing these days.I have not heard u talk about her in awhile I hope all is well with her and her child.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    @Gail,

    Let me just say that she and I are older than you. It’s why it freaks me out that she still works at the world’s famous fast food joint and I don’t mean in corporate. I mean in one of the stores with the smelly grease, burgers and fries. I’ve only known kids and college students to work there and only for a hot minute. My one sister who passed away at one point was unemployed for a while. She said she would rather clean toilets than work there. It says a lot about her mentality to be doing that type of work for darn there 20 years and at her age.

    I doubt they had much of any type of celebration, as the craziness began the day of her vacation, which was the day of her anniversary. Alex didn’t want me to mention anything on the blog, as it would only make matters worse. After I received the pic, which was the a.m. after X-mas, I don’t care what she thinks or happens. I guess she got happy on Xmas day and gave him some …then she sent me the pic.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    Marie,
    I am sorry to hear your other is disturbing you so much.I am curious what is she doing that drives u to nutsville?

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m glad to hear your husband made it to India safe and sound. You need to consider that your husband spoke to you while you were online, and inquired about how you were doing. He was concerned that you were still awake. He didn’t ignore that you were online.

    You asked whether we feel that you will feel better once you and he begin to live together and he spends more time with you. No, I don’t think you will feel better. I think you will still think about him being married to her and not like it and I think you will feel even worse the next time he goes to India since it will be only you and him for a good while. Allah knows best.

    The reason I think this is because you are only concerning yourself about self. You say you do zikr and read and ask for sabr. Do you do those things so your life will be better – so that your marriage will be better? If you do those thing for it, nothing will get better. If you do those things to get closer to Allah, to worship and serve Allah because you want to fear and love Allah and have a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise, thinking not about your husband, things will get better for you. You’ll have a chance to have peace and tranquility in this life and have a chance for Jannah/Paradise in the next.

    It’s where women make a mistake in thinking they could use Allah to get what they want – a good life with their husbands. It’s not what Islam is about. It’s not why Allah swt wants us to call on Him. Allah swt placed on here on this earth to Worship Him. It’s not about what we want and our husbands. We tend to get it twisted.

    Insha Allah, Allah will give you what you want when your husband returns. You want to live with him and spend more time with him. Yet, you’re unable to show your gratitude to Allah for it. You instead, argue and fight with your husband. You don’t show your gratitude to Allah swt for giving you a husband.

    The only way your situation is going to change is if you turn all your attention to Allah and do it for the right reason. You can’t play Allah. It’s not about calling on Allah so you could get what you want.

    If you keep thinking only about you, you will be in the same predicament as my husband’s other. Year after year after years will go by and your state of affairs will be no different than it is today. You’ll be stuck. You won’t make any progress. Where you’re at today, will be where you will be tomorrow or worse.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 28, 2013

    Ana,
    I read your post about C and honestly I was floored.How old is C anyway?I am shocked that a grown woman would just be so cut throat at this stage in the marriage.That girl needs G.D,Allah,Jesus or a large dose of PAXIL.
    Yeah for sure u should enjoy Alex a little extra this time since C obviously having a melt down and send him back to her like a fat cat with a nice relaxed smile on his face.LOL
    Or send her a text her loss is your gain.HAHAHAH! Sorry that was nasty but yeah really I am shocked she is acting like trailer trash.Strange how some people seem to have no morals when they get angry and don’t get their way.On the flip side I hope C got to enjoy some of her Anniversary with Alex before she flew off the handle.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    @Rasha & Jenny,

    What’s funny is I kept looking at the pic and said to myself, MY! His package is looking pretty goooood. Now, I’m getting excited about him coming home tomorrow laughing She sent the pic a couple days ago at about 3:45 a.m. I didn’t get it until I got up for Fajr (morning) prayer. I was so caught off guard by it that I was paralyzed for a moment. Shocked I emailed him and let him know what she had done. He didn’t respond back, so later in the morning, I text him to see if he got my email. He said, “Yes, and there will be consequences.”

    Rasha, he and I are married 11 years and seven months. I agree with you that it was immature of her to do such a thing. Although, I’m not surprised. It’s actually typical of something she’d do. If you’ve read my story, you’d know that I always suspected their relationship was only sexual based. She has never been able to hold an intelligent, descent conversation. She hasn’t been able to hold a conversation at all. She can only talk about sex – what he does to her and what she does to him.. It’s a very sad existence.

    Jenny, you must have been one to watch the “Dynasty” series on TV. Joan Collins was the star. I used to love watching the show. She was the “classiest of them all”, just as you said. I recently was thinking to search online to see if I could get the “Dynasty” series. I’d love, love, love to watch it again. She was so beautiful too. I loved the clothes she wore. I’m glad you mentioned her. I have to look into buying the DVDs, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    December 28, 2013

    @ Ana,

    Take the *itch comment as a compliment! *itches are classy ladies ~ just like Joan Collins ~ the classiest of them all! Tell her your not a *itch, your are THE *itch, and it is MS. *ITCH to her! laughing

  • Rasha

    December 28, 2013

    @ Ana
    That was so immature. How long have you two been married? That is some funny stuff. Literally I was cracking up. Alhamdulillah. You handled the situation like a CHAMP 👊
    May Allah reward you for your patience…Why do these men bring such drama upon themselves?

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    Oh, I forgot to mention; this was all occurring during her anniversary. I’d imagine there was no celebrating there. What baffled me is why she thought she had to send me a pic of his penis. i dont know I’ve seen it before. I know he has sex with her. How weird it is. It’s something a mistress would do, send it to her lover’s wife. She must still perceive herself as a mistress…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Keep up the good work in being patient with dealing with his other. It’s all good. Whatever doesn’t kill us, should make us stronger. Allah swt tells us to be patient and persevere in whatever betides us.

    My husband’s other was at it again. She tried to take my New Years Eve. I had New Years Eve last year, as well. It’s just the way the schedule fell. Alex is with me from tomorrow (Sunday) till Wed. late afternoon.

    Alex didn’t give her my days, so she’s been off the chain since she approached him with it, which was 10 days ago. She got so angry and upset that she text me a close up pic of Alex’s penis with nasty text that I wouldn’t dare repeat here, calling me a “-itch” and all, telling me to s^%k stuff.

    Here it is seven years later and she hasn’t changed one iota. She just confirmed further to me what trash she is and has always been. Alex is just getting ready to come off vacation with her. She just let me know how miserable she was on vacation and she still is. I didn’t even respond to her. Haven’t responded to her in years. I don’t feel a need to. I’ve grown in my faith a lot since the beginning days of being involved in a polygamous marriage.

    I emailed Alex yesterday and let him know not to worry; everything is okay. I’m looking forward to him coming home, and to us having a wonderful next few days and nights together. Yeah baby! rock on

    Marie, stay strong. Remember Allah swt much. All will be good. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    December 28, 2013

    Asalamu alaykum all

    @jenny lol we have the same phone (z10) hub has dragged me into the touch screen business. He has has the z10 for a while an loves it. I like it but I miss button’s. Had the blackberry 9900 before this I may swap back we will see how it goes.

    @ ana and spirited I love nouman Ali khan lectures hub just got done with his Arabic course. He is teaching his daughter and films the lessons it’s really good. I too have heard of people worshipping graves and asking the dead for intersession. It’s way scary I don’t know what there thinking. Sorry to but in on the fish convo but raw fish yakkk, I’ll stick to ackee and salt fish and smoked peppered mackerel.

    @alwaysforgive, I somewhat share your views on scholars I and hub mainly use shafi for conditions and integrals of prayers,fasting and the like. We have also learnt hanafi conditions and integrals for the same. However I believe no matter how many fiqh you learn if u do not have correct intentions as ana says you will not benefit, most end up just following scholars and never read quran for themselves. I too do not care for Christmas and the like. My mom came to visit on 25th December and asked if I missed celebrating, yeah like a hole in the head, lol I refused to go out from 23rd until today,people get crazy and there’s way too much traffic. Oh and about bid ah that can get crazy too, so just be mind full, I won’t go into it as it’s not the place.

    On another note other has been working my last nerve I stayed patient so far so insha,allah I’ll try and remain that way.

    Much salaams

  • ana

    December 28, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Spirited,

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge of what’s happening in the world of Sushi. I really got into what you were saying. It was way interesting. Insha Allah, I’ll share the info with Alex, and when ordering, will be mindful of what I’ve learned from you.

    I just finished watching the video that you suggested: http://youtu.be/dz5HemaTTyg , “Who Gets Allah’s Mercy – Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan.” It was a nice video. He’s a good lecturer. He has a calm and soothing style somewhat like ummof4 when she writes. I didn’t focus on the length of the video (time) at all. I lost track of time. I liked that he spoke about Ayat from the Holy Quran. At first, when I began watching it, I thought you sent it to me so I could learn more about humility, and controlling my anger LOL . No, but really, he began speaking about what I really need help with. Thank you again, Spirited for sharing. Above, I put the link to the video for those who may want to take a look at it happy

    I see we have a couple of new comments. I have to run out and grab a coffee, and then, Insha Allah, will come back and read them. It’s looks like a beautiful sunshiny day outside over on my side of the planet. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • sumaika

    December 28, 2013

    Assalamualaikum. Hope everyone is fine. My husband reached india and I know I said I wouldn’t but as always we ended up arguing. He saw me online on whatsapp and asked why was I awake and then I told him I couldn’t sleep last night and then he asked me why I couldn’t sleep and what’s on my mind. Then we started arguing. He then phoned after saying lots of horrible things to me and I did the same. After few hours he called and I didn’t answer. Then we started chatting and he was saying I need to be strong and I was like ” for what ? “Then as always he says I started the argument and I just kept quiet. Then he said I need to be looking forward to us going to live together after many years. I just feel he changes when he’s there because of the horrible things he says to me. He says I should promise him that I won’t argue and fyt. Then he said he knws he didn’t spend time with me but he will stay with me for full 6 weeks when he comes following week. N then he told me my co-wife asked how am I and how’s my son too. I was quite surprised. I feel that she’s better than me in that she asked about us and seems to have accepted us. I make zhikr and I read and ask for sabr so that I don’t fight but I don’t know what overcomes me. I did keep quiet at first when my husband started telling me things but then I couldn’t keep quiet. I don’t know how you sisters manage. I know he was married when we got married and I want to stay married to him but why can’t I control myself ? Do you sisters feel that I wil feel better once we living together in our own home and he spends time with me ?

  • alwaysforgive

    December 28, 2013

    assalamu alaykum wa rahmatu-llahi wa barakatuhu,

    I’m greeting you with the very best greeting, the islamic one!…happy I think there are many newcomers, on your blog, so I send salaam to everyone!…
    As we live in Europe, in a most catholic area of Germany, me and my family we try our best to go through the nonmuslim holydays by holding them outside our door…I am happy, alhamdulillah, my children are aware and do not want anything to do with things like christmas or new year’s eve…we do not celebrate, or congratulate or what ever…it is not out of arrogance or so, it is because we are rejecting these holydays, they are not from Islam, they are not even from christianity…their origin is pagan… The Messenger, sallahu alayhi wa sallam, said to us that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala gave us just two ‘Ids and neither he, sallallahu alayihi wa sallam, or the Sahabi, or Tabi’een, or Tabi’ al-Tabi’in have celebrated or taken part in any other festivals but these two….sooo, we are alhamdulillah…
    I don’t know if I understand it quite well, the satement that we “don’t need any scholars”…astaghfirAllah…it is true, nowadays there are too many who call themselves scholars or ulamas – but they are just doing fitna…but Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala gave us strong and wise scholars like Shaykh al Islam, and so many others…when I think about turning to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala I do not think just about reading (and teaching myself) the Word of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, the Holy Qur’an: our religion is Islam, and its sources are the Qur’an al Karim and the Sunnah of the Messenger of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala, both of them in the best way of understanding and appliying of the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu alaihi wa sallam and of the three best generations after him, the Salafus Salih… by following them, in shaa Allah, we muslims are trying to be the very best of what we can be… and how would I pretend that I could understand the Holy Qur’an better than our beloved Prophet, sallalahu alaihi wa sallam, and his companions??… astaghfir Allah, this is the way Bid’ah take place in our lives, and just look at our Umma – most of it are doing Bid’ah, without knowing they’re doing it, they follow the kuffar, without noticeing it, they are not aware of their doing…Bid’ah is more beloved to Shaytaan than sinning, one of the Ta’been said, because a sin may be repented from, but one who is not aware of his innovation, does not repent from it… and it comes to Bid’ah, only when one does not aknowledge and follow the Qur’an and the Sunnah, in the light of the understanding of the Salafs…And Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala said to us: “Follow what has been sent down to you from your Lord (the Qur’aan and the Sunnah of Prophet Muhaamd (sallallhu alahi wa-sallam) and follow not any Auliya (protectors, or helper etc. who order you to associate partners in worship with Allah), besides Him (Allah)…” in Soorah Al-Aa’raf : 3 …

    I’m sorry I just let my thoughts free…I hope I didn’t bore anyone, in shaa Allah, I wish you the best of this world and in the hereafter, may Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala hold us on the straight path, the Siratul Mustaqeem, and give us the success in the Day of Resurrection, amin…

  • Spirited

    December 28, 2013

    Salaam all,

    Yep, not asleep yet lol

    @Jenny, oh don’t worry, I didn’t think you were implying anything, it was obvious you were just sharing something that caught your eye. I was just giving my impressions on it happy. Your tree sounds as diverse as your family! It sounds really cute, I must say. I can see how you would see it as simply an American holiday & not a religious one, but (for myself) I still wouldn’t engage in it all the same (no offense intended of course!) Something like Thanksgiving is different, in that its never been associated (and simply isn’t) a religious holiday, so that’s a completely separate animal.

    The kids in Pakistan who were off for Christmas is something new laughing If I could ask, are they enrolled in an international or western model school? Those are the types that would most likely observe every (or most) holidays like the US does, or maybe just the holidays that Great Britian observes (considering Pakistan/India’s history with GB). I ask because I know regular or traditional schools in Pakistan don’t have off for anything other than Eid — because my cousins from family who live there don’t have any other days off, and my uncle who works in two schools as a teacher (& tutors after school) also has not come across schools that would give non-Eid days off (unless it was in one of the other types of categories). happy

    Also, it’s great that you were able to find and remove the mold, that was a really dangerous situation there! It could have been much worse than just allergic type reactions, thank goodness you guys got it. Were the professionals able to figure out where it came from? It would be terrible if it regrew if the source wasn’t taken care of.

    @Gail, hey there! laughing at you trying to play catch up. That’s what happens if you’re away for too long, missy! Its good to hear that everyone is excited about the new business venture, hopefully it’ll be smooth sailing ahead with it. Don’t keep yourself away from here too long, or you’ll never catch up winking

    @Aishah, uh oh, you gave up the secret recipe! (just joking) laughing Thank you very much for sharing! I haven’t tried a recipe like that before, so I’ll be sure to give it a try — just need to get some buttermilk, I have everything else. The recipes I’ve tried before usually have egg and bread crumbs in there somewhere, so this is definitely different.

    @Sumaya, welcome to the blog as well. I hope you pop into this topic to read the replies being written here. Hmm, for the time being, I just want to say that its great that you and your husband are discussing this instead of him just dumping it on you out of nowhere one day (like many husbands here have done). You seem to be pretty ok with everything, calm and collected. Please do write in again and share anything you may want to get off your chest — and any advice you may have for everyone here to share is always great too.

    @Ana, that must have been a very scary thing for the poor girl and you. Oil burns are especially nasty sad. I hope that young lady was able to live a relatively normal life, all things considered. That’s so cute that you are worried about your husband hurting himself when he’s handling frying equipment! laughing Fried stuff isn’t all that good for you anyways, so I wouldn’t think you guys were missing much by not home-frying things.

    I haven’t seen “Boiler Room” before, how is it, in your opinion? I’ve been watching documentaries recently. Oh actually, that reminds me, since you’re a sushi fan. The most popular fish to use for sushi, the bluefin tuna (due to its natural taste), is endangered because of overfishing, ironically due in large part to sushi becoming so popular all over the world! When it was just a Japanese thing, there wasn’t much of an impact, but now it’s global. There’s some effort being put to breed them in captivity, but it doesn’t seem to be very easy. One guy’s institution is making progress, but there’s still lots of trial and error. Experts say if you eat sushi, try to request substitute fish like yellowfin tuna or just different kinds of sustainable fish altogether (I forget exactly which types were recommended other than the yellowfin). I was surprised to learn about that, but seeing as how human behavior is, I guess I shouldn’t have been. Did you know for a dish popular in southeast Asia/Orient, (“sharkfin soup”winking fishers literally catch sharks, cut off the fins, then throw the shark back in the ocean? Often the poor fish is still alive and with all its limbs cut off, slowly sinks/drowns. Its terrible sad, but such is humanity’s greed and selfishness.

    Oh and yes, I did like that particular lecture quite a bit, even if it is a biiiiit long, lol. I really want to know what you think of it as well! I’m usually not very confident about my choices with recommendations laughing Thank you also for your prayers for me and the dingbat of mine! I appreciate it big grin

    Yep, its very true that people like to put others to go through to get to Allah, when we have a direct line to Him ourselves. In Pakistan, there’s lots of places that people go to so-and-so to pray on their behalf, some even going to famous people’s graves and praying for the deceased t pray for them. I would say its out of hand sad. I noticed what you said about learning new things all the time as well, but I was always thinking maybe I just didn’t pay attention the last time I read through that part, or maybe it wasn’t something that affected me at that point in time so it didn’t stick out to me laughing I didn’t think of it like you mentioned, but considering it now, you’re absolutely correct — there are ayats in the Quran that are so intricate, that you can’t just expect to fully appreciate them in just a few readings. The best way would be to understand the language itself (which I don’t understand, I can only read it, so I have to rely on translations). Oh but I’ve noticed that I can understand a few words here and there now! That’s kind of cool.

    I think the mention of being patient with the tests and enduring was something you specifically made me think of when I first got here, so the thanks for that reminder is all on you winking

    Alright, I’m pretty sleepy so I’ll catch you cats later. Goodnight everyone~

  • ana

    December 27, 2013

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I was going to watch the video last night, but just felt like relaxing by watching a movie, so I watched a DVD from my collection. It was “Boiler Room”. Ben Affleck did good acting in the movie. Insha Allah, very soon, I’ll get to the Islamic video you sent me. One has to be in the right mindset to watch it,expecialllllly since it’s an hour and 1/2 long. You know what I’m saying? happy I most definitely want to watch it for sure. If you like it, it has to be good.

    Yes, I’m looking forward to Alex getting here on Sunday and him being off on Monday, Tues and Wed. He leaves me Wednesday afternoon, Insha Allah.

    I’m sorry to hear your husband is so wiped out. Jenny’s husband used to get that way, as well, but I think he’s on a different treatment than your husband. You’re a good wife to him though. You’ll encourage him to turn to Allah swt for help, and to make him better. I pray you stay strong for him.

    I like what you said to hurttomuch: “Follow Quran as your instructions for life, follow the Prophets’ lives as guides, and you shouldn’t really need any of these scholars.” You are right on with regard it. I believe we don’t need a scholar or anyone else to interpret Quran for us. In a number of Ayat, Allah swt say He teaches. If we read the Quran with sincerity to learn it and live it and not to be known as a learned person, or to discredit someone etc. Allah swt will bless us with understanding of it. Those who read Quran for other than a guide and mercy, but has some other motive in mind can forget it. Allah swt says He places a veil between the Quran and the reader. We don’t get understanding all at once either the same way the Quran wasn’t revealed to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) all at once. I’ve been reading Quran for 27 years. I read it from cover to cover over and over again and I still learn ALL THE TIME. It seems I’m just reading some of it for the very first time. I’m always learning something new. It’s fascinating. There are still ayat that I don’t understand, but I don’t sweat it. Insha Allah, understanding will come in time. Allah swt could also put people in our midst who know and understand Quran better than we and they help us. My wali/bestess has been such a person for me. He was Muslim way before me. He reverted in his early teens.

    Spirited, I’m glad you mentioned, “If, however, even with the injustices, you decide you will stay in your marriage, Allah may reward you in ways you don’t know.”

    If a person endures the injustices to him or her and don’t retaliate, being mindful of Allah swt, there must be good in it.

    Allah swt talks about injuries and recompenses in Quran: Surah 42, Ayat 39 – 43. In Ayah 43, Allah swt says:

    “But indeed, if any show patience and forgive, that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.”

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 27, 2013

    ooops I’ve erred somehow with the comment. My brain is malfunctioning. Let me go back and fix it. The post not my brain laughing

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 27, 2013

    salaams all.Jenny I’m gonna have to try that cream too! whole foods here I don’t think has it.will havevto order on line.things seem quiet here.I don’t have much different to say.hub running himself a little ragged a bit run down but I guess he will manage.I’m doing OK for the most part.just checking in.always reading.hurttiomuch welcome.there is a lot of good advice here.spirit if u must know….the chicken soaks in buttermilk, hot sauce seasoning before it is dipped in flour with salt pepper paprika etc then fried! its good.

  • Gail

    December 27, 2013

    Ana,
    I tried to catch up on the post but Gosh it is so hard once u are out a few days to play catch up.I have been so busy looking at cities and trying to figure out where I want to invest.I am in the process of taking some online courses just to brush up and make certain I am leaving no stone unturned.You are very right in the fact I am WAY SOOO excited to be starting this new business.I even now have my husband on board with my project and he is actually also very excited.I have decided whichever city we choose we will be moving to that city to live so my children are even excited.We live in a very rural area at this time so moving to a larger city is like so great for them.That is the main thing they liked about Rawalpindi that it is so large and amazing to them.
    Everything seems to be going very well in my life.Thats pretty much what is going on with me at the moment.Sorry I have been away so long just been really crazy busy cramming my brain.

  • Jenny

    December 27, 2013

    @ Spirited,

    Good to hear that you’re doing well! I never meant to imply Muslim’s celebrate Christmas. I just thought the article was interesting to be posted on the USA Today.

    Personally, we don’t celebrate Christmas, as in Silent Night. We love snowmen and trees with lights. If you look in my office, we have a sick looking tree (artificial) with taxi cab ornaments {bought from Times Square} and lots of lights; Channukah decorations, the huge sterling silver menorah, all out until a couple of days after New Years. I view it more of an American holiday, and we do the Americana things, such as see the shows {Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol is my favorite}, the plays, the ice skating and the shopping/presents. Absolutely no religion. Hubby always liked the tree and the first holiday after we were married I asked him if he wanted one and he was like a little kid. When I was a kid my parents weren’t religious, we did the Christmas thing and it kinda stuck.

    I did note a funny thing with the kids in Pakistan. Ok, they live in a Muslim country, with a very high involvement with Al Qada. Just think about this for a minute…. If you are a Christian there, people want to kill you, yet the kids there are off from school for the Christmas break like the kids in the U.S. do!! laughing When the boys were telling me that I couldn’t stop laughing! Talk about an oxymoron!

    @ Ana,

    The facial was so relaxing, but it messes up my hair! sad

    Hubby’s birthday was incredible! The My Name is… Old button was the highlight of the party! My husband gets all teary eyed when I get him a cake and fuss over him every year. He never had that before until we got married. His world totally changed when we married.

    I got a little time on my hand as the insurance companies are pretty much closed/working at reduced staff until after New Year. Holy Cow! The Monday after New Years is going to be a crazy day for me!

    I’ve been going through the allergy thing too ~ or so I thought. Somehow, we had mold under our floor in our bedroom, right by my head of the bed. It took us five months to get rid of it and have no idea how it happened. We ended up ripping the floor and replace the sub-flooring and replaced the wood floors. Just now feeling better. If you are having any rashes, try the Giliad Balm from Australian Scent. That will clear it up.

    Ok, so you sleep all day. That is perfect for the business you are in! Get cracking Lady!!! happy

  • Judith

    December 27, 2013

    Ana,
    I have irregular and unpredictable facial swellings too. Sometimes my lip or tongue, or cheek swells. I’ve tried to trace it back to something I’ve eaten, but have not been successful in locating a cause. From what I’ve read this affects women more than men, and more so in their middle years. Try a web search on chronic urticaria. My face was swollen once when I had a dentist appointment. The dentist took one look at it and said the swelling followed along a nerve, and was related to the chicken pox virus. That’s all I know. Wish it would just go away…
    j

  • ana

    December 27, 2013

    Jenny, Hey There happy

    I’m not a bit surprised that there are some Muslims who celebrate Christmas. When Alex wasn’t Muslim, but was married to his now ex-wife who was “Muslim” (in name only) at the time they celebrated X-mas over Alex’s mom’s house. His now ex-wife, her family and Alex’s family would all celebrate it together there. His now other always takes X-Mas, as well. It should tell you something or it tell me something LOL I’ve heard of other Muslims celebrating it too. It’s bizarre if you ask me. Nope, when I became Muslim, it all went out the window other than getting down with the eats on Thanksgiving. I see it as a day to chow down. New Years Eve, as well; what’s wrong with being happy, joyous, and optimistic about a new year? Other than it. Birthday’s are okay as far a a dinner, cake or something that Alex and I may do, just the two of us. I may get him a cupcake and put a candle in it or buy a small mini cake or something. A big ole $10,000.00 birthday extravaganza like the one my sister and brother (twins) had last Sat. is not even thought of by me for me or anyone else. I’ve been invited to such affairs but passed, except for theirs. I did attend the small birthday luncheon with Alex that was given for his mom right after we returned from Hajj several years ago. Did you ever tell us how the birthday party turned out for your husband?

    Oh, by the way, Spirited would get a kick out of this. She speaks of Muslims waiting till they get older to begin to practice Islam. Well, Alex’s ex is one of them. She covers now, pray, fast and all of it. It’s alhumdulliah. It’s all good. I thought I should mention it, as I did mention when she was Muslim in name only. It’s only right. I really like her a lot. She, her son and his new wife still have to get together. I spoke with the son (Alex’s step-son) last week and he’s eager to introduce me to his new wife. I saw pics of her. She’s very, very pretty – Moroccan.

    I just love the name Ismail. I need a son just so I could give him the name laughing The last gold phone I saw was the Razor I had years ago. Gold phonea are so cool.

    I started cracking up laughing when you mentioned my business. Alex retires in about 3 or 4 years. He’ll be way young for retirement. I’ve been trying to convince him to run my businesses then. He would do an excellent job. But, no, it’s too long to wait. Insha Allah, I’ll get moving with it sometime in 2014. You wouldn’t believe; I’ve had licenses and bonding for the two companies – private detective and security agency since 2009. I’ll share a little secret with you. I’m a little bit lazy big grin Plus, I like stay up almost all night long and into the morning and sleep till ll:00 or 11:30 a.m.

    Oh, well, I better run. I’m doing some laundry and house cleaning. I then will venture to do a work out sigh I hope you enjoyed your facial. They are sooooo relaxing and nice. I saw my dermatologist today and she’s referred me to an allergist. I’ll see how it goes. This has been my worse year ever with allergies, sniffling, red eyes, red face loool I’m getting used to it now, somewhat…I just get scared when my lips start expanding or my tongue starts to swell up. It’s scary. I thank Allah swt it doesn’t happen often.

    Chat with you soon, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 27, 2013

    ugh, nuggets, always see a post just after I post -_-

    @Jenny, although you were writing directly to Ana, I hope you don’t mind if I butt in.

    “celebrating” Christmas is frowned on because the way that the holiday is usually intended is a celebration of “God” (as most Christians consider Jesus with the whole “Holy Trinity” thing). I could see some Imams giving the “ok” if seen as simply the birth of one of God’s Prophets, but I personally wouldn’t be very comfortable advocating that. Like I wrote to Hurttomuch, Imams & other scholars, are only human and sometimes go way overboard. Just because one (or a few) decide to be avant garde doesn’t mean what they’re saying is good advice. That’s just my opinion.

    Jenny, you seem to have gone to some interesting places. Have you ever heard of a resteraunt where you eat in the dark? A woman in the test prep class I go to mentioned in a few weeks ago. I had heard of a place like that closing down recently, but I wonder if there’s more than one that does that. Well, its not important, you recommending places to Ana just kind of reminded me of the woman in class recommending that particular place for some reason laughing Well, here’s hoping everything continues going well for you! Take care!

  • Spirited

    December 27, 2013

    Salaam to all the lovely ladies,

    @Ana, lol wow completely opposite food tastes for sure! Guess we wouldn’t be trading orders laughing
    I’ve heard before that we should be around people who reinforce or support our deen, and it looks like your Wali is a great friend to have indeed.

    Oh, thanks so much for your kind complements! But really, I haven’t said anything that you haven’t before at different times. The kind of questions I asked Laila to ask herself were some of what I asked myself when people were pressuring me to divorce, I’m happy if that kind of thinking is useful to other people. Did you get a chance to watch the video? I’ve noticed that quite a few lecturers seem to talk more about Hadith, but this one focuses more on directly translating the Quran and applying modern situations. I hope you enjoy your upcoming weekend with your husband! My time with the ‘ole husband has been weird. The medication that he has to take now, plus the increased hours because of the season end up making him just tired. He routinely goes to sleep at 8pm. When he’s home or has time off, he’s sleeping then too. He doesn’t like it himself, and hopefully its only the breaking in period for the medications. Kind of seems like a boring existence if he’d have to deal with this all the time!

    Thank you again for your compliments, really its you ladies who deserve more praise. I usually don’t know how to react to being complimented because it doesn’t happen much at all laughing I hope I haven’t been too awkward, lol.

    @Jenny, lol “speak of the devil” as the saying goes. Good to hear that you’re well and had a great time with your daughters! laughing @ “funk” markets, that made me laugh more than it should have. I also want to extend a thank you for providing recommendations on creams big grin

    @Hurttomuch, I want to also welcome you and I hope you will write in again. Firstly, I wouldn’t care too much about what the “scholars” who give fatwas say. Maybe its just me, but they do really seem to be mostly clueless and passing judgements on things they have no idea about. What you said at the end, “you will not realize this until it happens to your own daughter or sister.” — this is something that even non-Muslims realize, lol! Of course it is up to Allah, and, in my opinion, you shouldn’t hope for it because it would be wishing ill will on another. Again, in my opinion, revenge doesn’t suit a Muslim its better to leave the matter in Allah’s hands because He can take care of things in the best manner, even better than you might imagine!

    Many times, it feels like things I pray for never happen or things in life just never go my way. That doesn’t mean I’m going to give up or start praying for negative things. If something doesn’t happen the way I pray for, it could be that Allah is preventing some bad things from happening, or maybe I will receive good deeds in return for unfulfilled prayers. So, forget the “scholars” — many of them seem to be on the “wrong” path themselves. For a loooong time, my mom was always praising one scholar and spoke very highly of him. I never understood why, he seemed like a hack to me and like he thrived on sensationalism. One day, she made me watch a lecture of his and she realized that he was way off Islam, he was pretty much worshipping Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) instead of Allah. She stopped talking about, recommending, and listening to him soon after that. These “scholars” are humans, so you shouldn’t take anything they say as law. Follow Quran as your instructions for life, follow the Prophets’ lives as guides, and you shouldn’t really need any of these scholars.

    As for a woman whose husband is being unjust, I would suggest that the woman bring this up with her husband. If he doesn’t listen, go to the elders in the family for assistance. If that doesn’t work, then consider if the injustices he is doing are big enough to divorce. If they are, and there’s no good reasons to stay in your marriage, you do have the right to divorce. If, however, even with the injustices, you decide you will stay in your marriage, Allah may reward you in ways you don’t know. Its up to you and what you feel comfortable doing. Its your life, and all we can do is support you and try to give you some advice because we are in the same situations. I really hope we will hear from you again — trust me when I say that writing about your problems and getting feedback, support, and advice will really help! Maybe some of what Ana and I have said already will help you?

    Ok ladies, I should get back to the books. I’ve been slacking the last two days laughing. Talk to you later!

  • Jenny

    December 27, 2013

    Hi There!

    I have to tell you Ana, before the past week and a half, I was so sick with the flu with a touch of bronchitis. You may find this hard to believe, but there was a day even I could not work and went home to stay in bed for a couple of days! I lived on a constant cocktail of Codeine cough syrup and Nyquil! The day my daughters came up was the first day I was reasonably feeling better. I had a herpes outbreak when I was sick too! I was so miserable I just kept myself knocked out on codeine and nyquil!

    Wanted to say hello before I run out for a facial. Everyone in Pakistan is good. Ismail is mad at me because I won’t send him a gold iPhone. Hubby got me the gold one for the holiday. I now carry two cell phones, the gold iPhone and my Blackberry z10.

    You’ll be very happy with that company! You must try the soaps too! The website has more products that the stores do not carry.

    You will love Wolf & Lamb. The one in Brooklyn has a floor covered in pennies. It is really neat to see. The service is impeccable and a kosher black angus steak that will melt in your mouth. The curried lentil soup was really yummy! Anything there is good.

    What is going on with your business??? It is time to get off the laurels in 2014! This year I plan on nagging you until you get it going! happy

    I am off to my facial! Oh, I wanted to tell you, last week there was an article in USA today (the online edition) that talked about Muslims celebrating Christmas and Imam’s encouraging it.

    Chat later! happy

  • ana

    December 27, 2013

    @hurttomuch,

    Welcome to our blog family sigh I feel very sad for you, as you sound to be in a lot of pain. I’m assuming you are Muslim. If you are, what we have to learn to do, ME INCLUDED, is to turn to Allah swt for everything, and not look so much to outside sources for help. In the course of turning to Allah with sincerity and if we’re doing our duty with regard to worshiping Him, He will guide us and eventually will relieve any pain or suffering were experiencing.

    I don’t think there is a lot the scholars can do, though. Polygamy is permissible and they would be going against Allah to rule against it. The whole thing about men being fair and just in it is relative. Everybody’s concept or idea of what is just and fair is not the same. It varies. The parties have to determine what is just and fair for them.

    I agree with you that a lot of abuse is occurring in that some men are using the right to engage in polygamy as an avenue for dating and haram relationships. The thing is – everyone has to police themselves. In some countries there are restrictions on polygamy and there are courts to resolve disputes etc. I don’t necessarily agree that restrictions should be impose, simply because Allah swt said they could marry up to four wives at at time. We know that we are to be fair and just in all our dealings, not just polygamy. To take it any further than that could be perceived as interfering in what Allah swt has prescribed.

    I see it that many Muslims today are Muslim in name only, and have lost touch with our way of life – Islam.

    Perhaps you could share something about yourself and we could be of more help to you. We’re here, if you want to talk. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 27, 2013

    @Jenny, hello there,

    Long time no hear from. I really, really, really began to get concerned this time. It’s the longest you’ve been away. Even if you don’t have much to say, just give us a shout out – Helllloooooo. LOL

    I can feel, hear or read, however anyone would put it, joyfulness in your writing. I am so happy for you. Sounds like you’ve been having a fantastic time.

    I wrote down the name of the Kosher Restaurant “Wolf & Lamb”. Insha Allah, I’ll check it out, if I ever get back into the City anytime soon. I jotted down the name of the face cream, as well. You know I’m always in Whole Foods. I go there at least two or three times a week. First, I have to wait and finish up the Estee Lauder. Fatima sent me the name of a face moisturizer that she uses. I think it’s Revive. I have the email; I’d have to check it. It and Estee Lauder were in the same price range. I think I’ll try the Australian Scent first though. I’m sure it’s way less costly than the other two and is just as good or better. I like that it has the organic oils and no water.

    It’s so nice you got to spend time with your daughters. I hope all is going well with you and your Pakistani family, as well. I don’t know where our friend Gail is. I’m assuming she is busy getting her business off the ground. I think she is way serious about it. She has so much enthusiasm about it. I imagine she’ll be nothing but successful. happy

    Insha Allah, I’ll talk with you soon. Take good care of yourself and your family. Adios…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • hurttomuch

    December 26, 2013

    Polygamy is permitted in ISlam but it is misused by the men today.
    The scholars who gave fatwa for polygamy has no knowloedge what is going on in the house.
    the first wife gives up all her life to the man then he sits online and flirts with women and marries one or some of them (regarless of this woman follows Islam or not )and he goes and treat this owmn like a pricess and first one is left to be his maid.
    and yeah what if the man talks about bring the 3rd one in….then why does she turn in a coal? why does she burn then? why she can do to others what she want to be done to herself?
    Quran speaks clrealy of justic but the woman to whome the injustic is being has no where to turn to.

    i want to ask the scholars of of Islam today …… what can such a woman whoes husband is being injust to can do? where is the court that she can go and claim her rights? especially if she is a revert and has children with her….

    dear scholars it is very easy to give fatwas but it is a total different story in reality…. you will not realize this until it happens to your won daughter own sister..

  • Jenny

    December 26, 2013

    Typo ~ meant to say “funky markets”, like the markets you’ll find in Union Square or Williamsburg. NYC is filled with them.

  • Jenny

    December 26, 2013

    Hi Ladies!!

    I was lurking in the background, but you wouldn’t believe it when I say I was busy! laughing

    This time I was busy with good things and I was having sooooo much fun!

    Let’s see where to start…. My daughters came up for a few days, so I crammed in as much as I physically could. We slept 2-3 hours each night they were here. My husband and I felt so tremendously blessed this year, we really needed to do something special for our employees and managers. We had our office dinner we hosted at the Russian Tea Room. Yeah, pricey as hell, but my daughters were up and we all had fun! We caught the Christmas show at Radio City Music Hall, went ice skating {yes, me and my 500lb a$$ went skating and didn’t fall} at Rockefeller Center and had lunch at the Rock Center. $250 for lunch for the three of us!!

    We went to dinner at the Boat House in Central Park, went shopping on 5th Avenue, Soho and Williamsburg. Did we have a grand old time!

    The best part of the holiday was playing Scrooge!! My assistant has five children by five different men and all of her children were with the fathers except for one daughter. I heard my assistant telling this on the phone to someone. She just got a new apartment and money was tight for her. I told her she had to work yesterday (Christmas Day) and she said she didn’t have a sitter for her daughter. Rolling my eyes I told her she could watch tv while we worked on some projects. Hee Hee! I bought so many toys for her daughter, wrapped them up and put them under the tree in the office and gave my assistant a Christmas card filled with money. You should have seen their face when they came into work! We had pizza for breakfast and after our little party was over, I had a car take them to the new ice skating rink in Prospect Park for a day of skating. She couldn’t stop crying. happy

    Last night hubby and I had a beautiful dinner at the Wolf & Lamb {kosher and strongly suggest it} and following our usual tradition, we talk and dream about how our next year will be.

    I wanted to chime in on a couple of things that were spoken:

    First, face/wrinkle cream. I am an avid Estee Lauder person as far as makeup and used the skin products as well; however, I stumbled, quite by accident, on this product that has erased my wrinkles and I send it to my mother for her legs (she has MS and is diabetic with foot problems). It is called Australian Scent and you can buy it in Whole Foods or in the funk markets in NYC (such as in Williamsburg). All of their stuff is great and love their candles and soaps too {leaves your skin tingly for hours}. Amazing thing is it is all organic oils and not one drop of water in any of their products. There are so many articles written about their products.

    Women keeping their own money…. I generally kept all the money because the main business was saved using my money and my husband doesn’t care what I do with it…you know the speech….long as he has clean drawers and gas money. When I started doing the insurance, it has taken off beyond my wildest dreams! Last week, I wrote $250,000 in auto insurance in one day ~ which is unheard of ~ $25k in my pocket at the end of the day. My money is in the bank, in my own account. My husband doesn’t care ~ but I will admit that I do tell him that according to Islam my money is just that, mine! laughing He could care less. happy

    We are so thankful to Hashem/Allah!

  • ana

    December 26, 2013

    I really miss being able to view the smilies before posting. I get them mixed up sometimes sad At least I can go back in and fix them laughing

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 26, 2013

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Wow, we are totally opposite when it comes to the palate laughing . I love Sushi (Alex and I do the chopsticks thing) and I love calamari as an appetizer. About those cluster things you like, I don’t like anything that sticks to my teeth. Yuk! And seafood I pretty much love, but not shrimp. I don’t go for things like snail, eel and weird stuff like it, but I’ll do oysters and clams in the half shell.

    Spirited, I agree with what you said about Alex and me thinking You’ve got a point there. It all makes sense. One thing I know for sure; it’s a test for me and a good one it is. My wali/bestess and I were out earlier grabbing coffee and hit the bakery. He was giving me some very good dawah about how we should NOT give up on the tests that Allah swt has given us and we must be patience and persevere the way He tells us to. He gave me a really good mini kutbah today. I think he’s the bestess of friends a person could have happy Alhumdulliah. We all need like minded people (those wanting to serve Allah and do as He says) in our corner to keep us straight happy darn tootin laughing

    I admire you Spirited. You are the epitome of human strength. You inspire. Allah swt tell us to exercise patience and persevere in all that betides us. He sees and knows all things. He has a plan for each and everyone of us. Keep up the good work, Sis. I pray Allah swt is well pleased with you.

    Oh, I hadn’t read your post before I replied to Laila. Yours was more lengthy so I wanted to take more time to read it. You gave Laila some good questions to ponder and to answer regarding whether or not she should leave the marriage. You’re spot on with it. You’ve been giving some good counsel.

    Well, my dear sis Spirited, I am off to offer Magrhib prayer. I probably spelled it wrong LOL and then, Insha Allah, I think I will try to watch the YouTube video you sent me. Alex is gone until Sunday. He’s off Monday and Tuesday, as well, so I’m looking forward to hanging out here with him, chilling as we usually do, Insha Allah. Insha Allah, it will be a relaxing good time. Not that I don’t get enough of relaxing. I’d imagine Gail and Jenny are busy with their business ventures, which is why they haven’t stopped in to chat in a while. Allah knows best. Insha Allah, all is well with them.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 26, 2013

    Laila,

    When I said if you keep doing it, things will get way better, I was referring to you turning to Allah swt in general, not just listening to CDs. I saw my statement could be read the wrong way.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 26, 2013

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re doing really good, turning to Allah swt. I felt tears begin to come to my eyes thinking about how you put the Quran CD in. I listen to one most of the time daily when I’m out driving about. Good for you. happy You will see that if you keep doing it things will get way, way better for you. You’ll be at peace and content with your condition.

    I know the impulse is to leave the marriage. Make your intent not to do it. Satan wants you to do exactly that. Then where will you be? It may not be a place that is pretty. You know your husband. You love him and he loves you. Don’t throw it away. You sound to have more than your co – You’ve got Allah swt!!! You’ve got us here to remind you to remember Allah, as we remind each other. Just us being here together should automatically make us remember Allah.

    Allah swt says admonishment is for the Believers. You have been listening, taking heed and putting into practice what you’ve been learning. It’s looking to me that you are one of those Believers. Those who are deaf, dumb and blind do not hear a word that is said here regarding Allah, but you have heard. Allah swt is taking you out of the darkness into the light.

    Stay optimistic. We all go through a period every now and again that we get aggravated with how things are going, but we have to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and keep it moving. The co wants you aggravated. You know it. Don’t fall for it. You’ve got it going on. She doesn’t. It’s all good… Happy smiley

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in

  • ana

    December 26, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, YO LOL

    I’m finally getting a chance to catch up.

    @Billy,

    I hope you’re still here. I have a feeling you only drop in occasionally. I’d swear I have psychic powers; every time I think of you and begin to wonder if you’ll be back, you appear happy

    You are one of those happy go lucky type persons, so I know your co-wife must have very little complaints about you. You’re one of those types that people can’t help but like. Your posts are always so much fun to read. It’s happy time for me when you write.

    It seems Allah swt has blessed you and your husband with a beautiful family. I pray Allah swt blesses you and your husband for making a sincere effort to make it to work. It sounds the children simply adore their step-dad. The little ones sound sooooo cute. When you get some spare time, stop in again, and update us with what’s happening in your neck of the woods.

    @Sumaika,

    I think ummof4 gave you very good advice. I think eventually, if you devote your energy in the right direction, the thoughts of them having sex will vanish after a while. At least it eventually did for me. If you’re like me, you’ll begin to view it as they are “married”, and will have sex . Eventually, it simply won’t matter anymore. There’s a lot less pressure on you to oblige him. Have it and enjoy it when you want. He knows he could get it else where, so there is no pressure on him to get it from you either. You’re about four years into this, so you should be making progress; although everyone grows at their own pace.

    Of course, your situation is a bit different since your co lives in another country. Instead of you worrying yourself about what he’s going to be doing with her while in India, you need to prepare yourself for him being with you on a regular when he gets back. You won’t have a co nearby to pickup the slack.

    I don’t think any one will have a peaceful and tranquil marriage until they get themselves right with their Lord – Allah. Everyone put the emphasis on the spouse and it’s not where it needs to be. Allah didn’t tell us to remember our spouses. He tells us to remember Him. I can’t stress enough that if Allah is not on your mind and something else is, you will have problems. Allah tells us that He gives us an Evil companion when we don’t remember Him. For example, for you, it’s Satan whispering to you about the intimacy your husband and the co will have while he is in India. If your mind was on Allah, you wouldn’t have time to entertain those thoughts. We all need to learn to get our priorities straight.

    Insha Allah, when he calls you or Skype or whatever you do, don’t argue with him or complain about anything. Try to make the conversation pleasant. Be grateful to ALLAH that he will only be gone 12 days. Many have husbands who go away to spend time with a wife in another country for months and months at a time.

    Remember, if you don’t have your life right with Allah, nothings going to go right for you regarding your marriage or anything else. It may appear to be okay for a short while, but overall it’s going to be unpleasant. Allah rewards us for worshiping and obeying Him.

    We’re here for you, if you need us. Hugs {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    December 26, 2013

    Dear Lynette, I really dont know what to say. Im actually lost for words. I used to cut myself due to the tremendous levels of stress my parents put upon me for converting to Islam and being in a polygamous set up. Im okay now. But im just am a bit disgusted at the whole lying situation. My faith is getting much stronger in Allah s.w.t. today as i was cleaning up my home, i switched on a cd on a the recitations from the Quran. I felt much happier and at peace. Im done with my co-wife. I dont wish anything bad for her and her kids but the message is clear to my husband. One more silly and dumb move on her part and im out for good. Everyone has their limits and so do i. He feels stupid falling for her lie. Thats why during their vacation he kept texting me non-stop. I know he feels rotten for treating me such, thats his issue not mine. Im reminding myself daily that my first love is to Allah s.w.t. the rest follows automatically. Tq for always keeping an eye out for me. God bless you dear. Ive relatives on his side over and im happy. It keeps me happy to cook and sort of chat with them. Hes not around. Hes only coming home tomorrow. Got a new ipad. Its a Samsung tablet.

    Salam

  • Spirited

    December 25, 2013

    Salaam everyone!

    It was a chilly day today, and I kept feeling sleepy until just a little while ago. I bet the second I get back to my books, I’ll be sleepy big time laughing

    @Ana, girl you best be joking laughing lol, Kidding, kidding, I’m not too fond of pecans myself, but you can’t keep me away from almonds and cashews. Indeed I can imagine your face reading that, I’m sure I’ve made a similar face in regards to…oh sushi (I even shudder at the thought of it laughing ). The True North snacks add a bit of sea salt and brown sugar and I tell ya, it’s like heaven in the ‘ole mouth. And with a side of orange juice is just too good. I’m also a-ok with most fish, and shrimp, but not beyond that (no way to calamari for example).

    Moving on, so hmmm. What you’ve said is pretty interesting. Your line of thinking is that perhaps you (and we all) also deserve our husbands because of something we may have done in the past? Sure, I guess that’s possible. I think it could be equally possible that Allah set us up in a way for the spouses to benefit each other — if we take your example, perhaps because you are more in-tune with Islam, you are able to benefit your husband, and as you say, you benefit from him with his kindness, how you two get along so well, and financially also. At the same time, we can’t know what (if any) benefits he & his 2nd wife provide each other, she may be his test, it may be that since they are less in-tune with Islam, they truly deserve each other, and of course, your husband may be a test for you — in a way that maybe you don’t necessarily “deserve” him in the way that he & his other wife do, but you do deserve to be happy and perhaps to help him along in Islam and through your experiences, strengthen your own iman.

    Basically I guess I’m trying to say that one wife shouldn’t think of herself in the same category as the husband’s other wife. It doesn’t make sense to me. So, don’t be so hard on yourself big grin And let’s not hear you saying that you only wanted to pursue your worldly desires — you know very well that Allah places love and longing in one’s heart, I wouldn’t consider it wrong to have married who we married if the marriage was done in good faith, following all the requirements of Islam happy <3 (sorry, but it just hurt my heart to read what you'd written, it just seemed so sad!)

    @Aishah, whaaat! the secrets of fried chicken?! Oh you lucky devil you. I would love to know how to make the kind of fried chicken they have in places like Popeye's (there were Halal stores in Canada), oh my goodness, those are so good. Congratulations to being elevated to fish laughing

    @Billy, nice of you to drop in again! You know Monopoly is known to ruin friendships laughing I'm surprised there hasn't been a disaster yet (though it did sound like one was brewing). It sounds like a great time though, I hope you had fun! Men may be visual creatures, but I would dare say that so are women, and anyone who denies it is just lying to themselves. The simple fact is, what one person finds pleasant doesn't necessarily mean another will also find that thing pleasant. For example, my husband's 2nd wife is older, and to look at her, you would think she was MUCH older than she is, but he still shacked up with her. As they say, "to each their own."

    @Laila, I'm sorry to hear about the petty problems you have to deal with. This is what I like to call "family drama." Stuff like that happens even without polygamy, so don't let it get to you. You're a strong, capable gal! I like how you said we need to be tolerant & understanding. Too many times, a person is more focused on revenge or just themselves.

    And if divorce is the answer for you? I would suggest looking at it in another way — is polygamy the only reason for the divorce? Are there other factors? Any abuse (physical or mental)? Is he pulling you away from Islam? Is he not fulfilling his duties as stated by Allah? Of these possible issues, are there any that can't be solved by discussing it with him? If the answers to these kinds of questions lead to divorce as the best answer, then by all means you should go ahead. If polygamy itself is the only problem, that's not a great reason to abandon ship (in my opinion) but of course, its up to you how much you can bare — there's no "right" or "wrong" answer here — you need to do what you need to do happy I hope that helps you when you're thinking on the matter, dear sister Laila happy

    @Lynnette, just saying hi! Miss you when you're too busy to pop in. I hope you've been well big grin

    @Sumaika, sometimes being nice can make the person being nice feel bad. I know you wanted to be kind and let him spend these 12 days with family in India, and that's good of you. Its also normal to miss the person you love, even if it was just 1 day. What you should do is, try not to argue or fight with him when he's there (you said he expects you to, so surprise him by not doing it). If you end up arguing with him because you talk to him too much when he's not with you, make the conversations short. If you want to use my example, when my husband is with his 2nd wife, I only send him a good morning text and a goodnight text. I don't even call him, unless its an emergency (and that has never happened yet), and I don't send him long text messages. I just write down things I want to tell him and wait until he's not with his 2nd wife to fill him in on any things that happened, or stuff I might have on my mind. This way, I don't need to think about his 2nd wife, or what might be going on over there, and I don't get myself worked up over it happy

    As for your other questions, I don't suppose any woman would know what a man feels about spending time equally, because we can't read minds (it would be amazing if we could!). That said, however, I feel that if your husband is concerned about his Salats & fulfilling his duties, I'm sure he worries about spending enough time with all family. In your case, that's always going to be hard to do because his two families live in different countries. I can't imagine that it would be fun to always have to travel so far to be with both families. Both wives in that sort of situation just have to learn to cope and keep themselves busy with other things, or maybe one family can move closer to the other, so the husband can be with both easier. That's what I would think anyway.

    Desires, desires…that would be between you & your husband. Speak up and let him know you don't feel fulfilled. You can even just take the initiative and seduce your husband when he's with you. Both spouses in a marriage have to work to keep sex alive, it's not just going to magically work without any effort laughing. If he says he's tired when you're ready to go, just try to be sneaky and work him up winking Take charge and let him lie there (in other words, you get on top). Once things get going, he won't complain about being tired and the sleep afterwards is usually much better anyway, right? Your other question — is sex the same with all women for men. I don't believe it even could be. Everyone's bodies are different, different feel, different voices, different pheromones and other body smells. So if no one human is like another, sex with one wife wouldn't be like sex with another wife. That's some food for thought for you. And like Ummof4 says, stop comparing yourself with your husband's other wife! laughing You're just going to end up driving yourself nuts or stressing yourself out and its not worth it. You'll be living with him in a new place soon enough, just look forward to that and what you can be doing in your free time instead of thinking about things you can't control.

    Alright ladies, I'm writing from my desktop and my legs are freezing right now. I'm gonna grab some dinner, take my medicine, finish up the questions I was doing and call it a night. Goodnight everyone, much love & prayers to you all.

  • ummof4

    December 25, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Sumaika, if I recall correctly, when you married your husband you two were together for 4 years and he did not go back to India. At some point you knew he had a wife before you to whom he was still married. When he went back to India you remained his wife. He never told you that he would spend equal time with you and his business does not allow him to spend equal time with both families.

    It sounds to me that your husband is doing the best that he can since he has to support his family in India and his family in South Africa. He has agreed to move you closer to him so that when he is in South Africa he can spend more time with you and your children. The reality is that you may never have the same amount of time with your husband as his other wife. You have to come to the realization of your marriage and accept it if you want to remain married to your husband. This is your decision to make – do I stay married to my husband whom I love and is the father of my children knowing that we will not have the same amount of time as his other family, or do I leave the marriage?

    Please stop comparing so much. As far as time is concerned, it should be as equal as the husband can provide. The way you describe your husband and his business and constant travelling, I don’t think he is having hours and hours of sex with you or his other wife. The man has to work to support you! In most long-distance polygynous marriages, one wife will receive more time with the husband than another. That’s the nature of the marriage.

    We as women are more concerned about equal time than our husbands. They are often more concerned about the quality of time rather than the quantity. That is something that we can learn from them–make the time you have together special and fulfilling, not full of arguments and complaints.

    As far as men and sex, they vary just like women do. I wrote a few days ago that my advice is for each woman to make sure she satisfies her husband and that he satisfies her. Don’t worry about what he does with his other wife, just make your own sex life fantastic. Then whenever you think of the two of them together, switch your thoughts to you and your husband together having fantastic sex and replay that scene again and again in your mind.

    Marriage is about more than sex. I don’t think that any man can have sex all day long and not come up for air, neither can any woman. Also the men have to work 8-16 hours a day. So there’s probably not a whole lot of sex going on. We should desire more than sex from our husbands – what about caring, love, compassion, protection, laughter, sharing thoughts and secrets, taking care of children, planning for the future, studying together, making salat together.

    Again, don’t worry about who is having more sex or more time. Stay out of your husband’s other bedroom and concentrate on your own bedroom. Be more concerned about your children than what your husband is doing in India. And if you have a lot of time on your hands when your husband is away, volunteer to help others who are less fortunate than you. It will make you feel needed and boost your self-esteem.

    May Allah help us all.

  • sumaika

    December 25, 2013

    Do men in polygamous marriages not worry about spending time equally because their desires get fulfilled any way ? Just asking generally ? And if yes then what about the wife who he doesn’t spend time with equally ? What about her desires ? And is sex with all women the same for men ? Or is it different with the different wives. Post if its ok with u.

  • sumaika

    December 25, 2013

    Slms hope everyone is fine. My husband just left for india and as much as I tried being strong all day and knowing he will be back in 12 days time , I couldn’t hold myself back from telling him how terriible I feel that he never come to spend time with us. He says he understands. I ask myself what does he understand because he gets to be with her and as always during the hoildays I’m alone. I’m trying to be strong but I couldn’t stop crying. He even got angry with me because I agreed to let him go india and come back in 12 days time. The thing is the way he kept telling me he wants to go and be back in 12 days time I feel I had to just say yes to him going. He said he can hear how my voice has changed because I’m upset but I should have told him no when he asked me. Then he said he knows I’ll be fighting with him all the time while he is there in india. Please sisters what should I do ? How do I be strong ? I think I felt strong because even tough he didn’t come spend time with us he was here in my country. Now that he’s on his way there I feel hurt.I feel he doesn’t desire me that’s why he didn’t come to spend time but then again his buisness isn’t here in my town and then again he wil be here after 12 days and we will be moving to stay with him where his buisness is. He paid deposit already for our new home . He’s trying I know but when he goes I forget what he does for me and I complain and feel terrible.

  • Lynnette

    December 25, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    @ Sister Laila,

    I was watching the forum for a post from you — and frankly, I was concerned. Sister, thank you for stopping in.

    How could anyone tell such vicious lies? What Allah (swt) will have revealed will be made plain and clear. Mash’Allah, you had your phone records!

    The breaking of property is one thing — because it inspires fear — but the cutting, Dear Sister, I feel I have to address.

    Yes, it is a form of release for many. Even as we look around, we see piercings and tattoos as so-called “art”, but really, are they disguised self-mutilation?

    Are you trying to express yourself about uncomfortable things? Can you paint? Draw? Journal? Write out all of the disturbing thoughts and rip them/shred them?

    Are you trying to soothe yourself? Cuddle your cat, perhaps, of take a bath…

    Do you feel “disconnected?” “Out of body?” Maybe you could phone a friend, or use an ice-cube instead if cutting yourself.

    Sister, pray and Allah (swt) will reveal to you in language plain enough to speak, what your triggers for self-harm are. Take refuge in Allah (swt) from these powerful impulses.

    Sister, whether divorce is best for you or not remains to be seen. But I am praying for you, and even more now.

  • Rasha

    December 25, 2013

    @billy

    I think it’s amazing that alllll of you were together for game night. I take it you get along with your co and that you possibly have a close relationship. Why did your husband take on another wife? Not sure if I missed that in your postings

  • ana

    December 25, 2013

    Please note:

    I made a correction to my post, as I made a major error while typing quickly. I didn’t proof thoroughly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 25, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    @Aishah,

    I make duah following every salat that Allah swt protects me from my husband and his other – from their evil plots, plans and snares. I found He has done exactly it. Every time they want to jerk me around regarding her wants and needs at my expense, Allah swt lets me prevail. It’s all about what is right. I never pray for her and there is nothing in the Quran that indicates I should.

    I pray for all believers, as Allah tells us to in the Quran (Allah knows who the believers are) It’s my general prayer for believers.

    I pray for all, each and everyone, of Allah’s Prophets, as well – that His peace and blessings be upon ALL of them, as Allah swt tells us not to differentiate between any of the prophets. One is no better or less than the other. They are all the same. They delivered the same message and they had their books (Torah, Gospel, Quran and those not mentioned). I remind everyone not to forget all of Allah’s Prophets. I suggest if you pray for one, you pray for them all and that you use their stories in the Holy Quran as your examples to live your lives by. They are mentioned throughout the Holy Quran for a reason and it’s not for past-time or fairly tale stories. Don’t make our religion like the Christians in that they associate Prophet Jesus (PBUH) with Allah. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) should not be associated with Allah the way Christian associate Jesus with Allah. It is shirk. Shirk is the highest sin.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    December 25, 2013

    Dear Aishah and Ummof4 as im cleaning our home late at night, im thinking whether seriously divorce is the answer. Due to him having kids with her theres always going to be the biased attitude towards me in certain situations. I wonder sometimes whether this is life. Full of struggle.

    Salam.

  • Aishah2013

    December 25, 2013

    Salaams.Billy I’m glad itcsounds pretty harmonious for you.sounds like a lot of kids.4 or 5?And you were the one who introduce them? how about that!?…Laila sorry for that experience for you.please don’t hurt yourself again sister.you have other coping mechanisms now, and God in your corner.I say Surah Falaq and Surah Naas everyday to protect me and my family from harm and seriously also pray that my cowife and husbands actions wont harm our family, and that I will just think of God, and not them ( not quite there yet to be honest) and make some dua for my Co and for my husband….I have said to my husband that his test in this is a different experience from mine..that’s true of everyone everything in life..as for the water and blessing/ sending shaytan away I heard that at sisters group too…haven’t done it.the leader of that group usually makes sure stuff not just related to culture,but still check into it.best wishes.be strong

  • ummof4

    December 25, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Billy, it sounds like you have good friendly relationships in your polygynous family, Alhamdulillah. Keep up the good work. And remember, Allah decides who has children, so even though you say you don’t want any, that doesn’t mean you won’t have any. Your husband sounds like he is good father material.

    Laila, sorry to hear about the negativity in your life. Shaytaan is rearing his ugly head again in your life. Seek refuge from Shaytaan throughout the day. As for now, it is probably best that you avoid interactions with your co-wife and her daughter. Allah has already manifested the truth to your husband through your phone records. Your husband will have to deal with the reasons why they lied on you. Allah tests all of us; you will pass this test if you put all your faith and trust in Allah.
    About the traditional healer. Please make sure there is some sound evidence for it in the Quran or the Sunnah of the Prophet Muhammad. Make sure it is not just something in the culture that people just do. I know that Zam Zam water does have special healing properties. Is it Zam Zam water?

    Also ladies, remember the order of love is Allah(SWT), Prophet Muhammad(SAWS) then YOURSELF, then other humans. Please do not love your husband more than you love yourself.

  • Laila

    December 25, 2013

    Dear ladies, I would also like to add on this. I liked Ana’s statement on one of her post that said, “we want, and we want and we want”. It’s so true! We all want so many things to go our way. We want our husbands to love us more, we want our husbands to spend more time and money on us and we want to be the favourite and the most lovely and beautiful wife our husbands have married. Little do we realize that all that is just an illusion. The real want is LOVE FOR Allah s.w.t. Then love for our husband / parents / siblings / friends and so on. There can never be the perfect wife. First, second, third or fourth. Everyone has their own strenght and weaknesses. What we should want is, love for our creator, followed by love for our husband. How do we love them? By being tolerant and also understanding. We have to reevaluate our behaviour on how we treat our husband and the indirect manner we hit our co. Im saying all this bevause Ive been doing so much reading and also listening to the Quran using my audio method. It’s so true. Our needs can never be met. We are always wanting more and more. I think we should serve Allah s.w.t. more and love Him more, and the rest will follow.

  • Laila

    December 25, 2013

    Dear sisters…. hello!!!!!

    I sincerely apologize for the silence on my part. Ive been going through my own hell in my part of the woods. For starters, my husband broke my ipad Apple into half…. sad and we had a huge fight in which we said a lot of nasty stuff to one another. The story is this, for the past few weeks he’s been coming home and just ignoring me. I thought that it could be due to his office stress and the politics played there. Little did I know, it was far deeper than that. My second older brother calls me and screws me on the phone. My brother and he are pretty close and the my brother told me that he had confided to him. He told my brother that I had sent nasty and dirty sms’es to my step-daughter. He was confronted by both mother and daughter and it seems his daughter called me “that woman / your wife “….. I naturally got very upset and angry. He even divulged other more personal stuff that only he and I know. Out of stress in the past, I used to cut myself up. Yes, I know I sound mad but that was a form of release for me. I had my parents that couldn’t accept my new faith and religion and also by me being involved in polygamy. So you can imagine how I felt when he told my brother about all that.

    I confronted him and he admitted. He said that he needed to talk to someone and he felt it’s best that it be to a family member. Which is my brother. In regards to my creative co and her daughter, I informed both my husband and my brother that how am I to communicate when I don’t even have the girls mobile number? I was so hurt. I mean this is a lie against me, and so I called up my mobile company and asked them to print out my monthly statements. I threw it on the table and my husband was….. speechless. I packed my bags and left my home ladies. I stayed for a few days with a friend and my mum intervened. Im back in my home now but Ive just been so disgusted with all this.Ive even told my husband that even if she calls to find out where he is, im not picking up her call.

    The anger and animosity is still there in her heart after all these years. The more I keep shut and lead my own life, it seems that she is still interested to fan a fire in my marriage. Ive no anger whatsoever for her in my heart, initially there was but now, Ive actually lost any sense of respect for her and her daughter. In fact, in my eyes, my husbands other family is a failure. They are Muslims but they don’t practise tolerance and respect. The daughter can even go to great lenghts to fitnah me, God knows what else she’s able to do next. By me leaving it showed to my husband that every woman has her limits. We are humans and we do sometimes throw in the towel when we’ve decided that we have had enough. He’s away on holiday with them. My co celebrates Christmas. This coming Saturday I will be off for my year end holidays too.

    Ive been going through a lot ladies. Ive even met a Islamic traditional practioner last night. He read a few verses to me and I began itching, and I even covered my ears. According to him Ive been hit with a bit of black magic and Ive got to come again for another round of cleansing. Ive been given water in which Im supposed to read the Al-Fatihah seven times and then shower.

    Sounds crazy but that’s whats happening to me. Hopefully I will be cured totally and hopefully too that my co learns that life on this planet isn’t till eternity. One day somebody will carry our bodies to our grave and then we all be questioned on our deeds and behaviour. I know that Allah s.w.t. loves me and therefore Ive been given this strenght to go through all this.

    Salam.

  • billy

    December 25, 2013

    speaking from experience, men don’t marry charity cases out of the goodness of their hearts, and if there are men like that, who see beyond the exterior, they’re a rare find. men are visual creatures by nature, call it a generalization if you must. unless a man feels strapped, alone, desperate, or something along those lines, he won’t settle for anything less than something he’s physically attracted to.

    men are visual creatures

    i must have introduced my husband to 3 different widows & 2 single chicks (when his mom was bugging about me giving him children) he flat out refused them all saying one wife was enough; and that he wouldn’t be able to handle supporting anyone else considering he supports his sister in law, nieces& nephews & mother.

    then i introduced him to his current wife, who is a widow with kids, more kids than any of the other widows i introduced him to, and though he did hesitate a bit, it didn’t take much to convince him. (his hesitation was probably for my egos sake) she’s as tall, as thin as a model, but with far more beauty then i’v ever seen on any magazine cover or movie.

    that being said, the fact that she had a lot of kids & was still fit was also a big turn on for him. he always had this fear in the back of his head that if i got pregnant, by chance, i’d blow up like a balloon (its mean, i know, but he was serious about my fitness level. and he saw the afterkid-gain-special with his sister in law and he knows my sisters workout hard to keep in shape.) so i guess knowing she won’t blow up if he ever acidently knocks her up is a plus as well.

    u know whats interesting? i must have gained like 20 pounds this year and he hasn’t batted an eye lol. he’s probably thinking “its fine, at least my second one is hot, this one doesn’t hold a candle to her even if she’s thin” (this is seriously interesting because before he got married to her he would seriously constantly mention my weight on a weekly basis during our weigh in. neither of us was allowed to gain a pound over the last week. yes, he has issues, his step daughter notices how tightly wound up he is about fitness.)

    its funny though.. my husband loves kids.. he just never wanted any of his own, it all changed when i got pregnant, after a couple of weeks he started to get excited about fatherhood, buying all this junk we didn’t need.. especially since he had firsthand experience with his step kids this past year.

    now his moms’ pressing for kids actually does something to him, he actually asked me if i would be willing to try again..

    YEAH RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    like that would happen.

    as soon as my bleeding stops i’m getting an iud (non hormonal ann, don’t worry lol)

    i told him he could have one with her.

    she flat out said no. he had told her before they got married that more kids won’t be in the works and that was a big selling point to her (her husband wanted a lot of kids, then he passed away so i guess that left a mental scar with her)

    now he’s all whiny & begging me to reconsider, trying to make me believe i’d want to be a mom.

    “yeah, i’ll pass babe.” is all i can say with a straight face lol.

    i’m trying to convince him he doesn’t want kids, because it would be too risky considering he’d have to be fair between his own kid and step kids, which is something that would naturally be hard to do.

    plus his new step kids are attached to him at the hip. when he comes to spend the night here they cry and cry until he drags them along lol. we have to pretend to let them sleep with us & then slowly and quietly take them to their rooms once they’re out.. yes you heard right.. their rooms, in my house lol. its cute, i mean they’re always here when he’s here (the little ones, not the older ones, they’re only here when he’s not so they could get away from their mom and chores lol). its sweet, and i do fear him having kids will just make his step kids resent him. they love him so much now, especially the 4 year old girl, just yesterday morning she was shaving with him, no joke, shaving cream on her face and all lol. she had saw her 7 year old brother do it and decided it wasn’t fair. of course they weren’t using razors with blades, the kids i mean.

    okay i should go. we’re all playing “monopoly” (if playing is what you want to call it. i’m moments away from flipping the board just so we could end it. my god its a long and annoying game. it just occured to me how cheap my husband really is.. in real life and the game lol. me and his stepdaughter are slowly sneaking money out of his stack when he isn’t looking. his stepson and other wife give us disapproving glances but they haven’t ratted us out. i guess they’re fed up with how mean he is in the game too. someones about to go bankrupt (not him.. probably the step daughter lol) she just landed on north carolina and he owns hotels there sad not good. i better not land on his broadwalk or park place hotel, then again, it’ll be a good reason to step out of the game. broke . lol.)

    okay i’ll go now. he’s threatening to make me play another game if i don’t put my laptop away sad

    anyway i really don’t know why he suddenly wants kids. i mean i wasn’t even pregnant that long.

    if he really keeps pushing for it and she really doesn’t want to have kids i guess he’ll have to take a third because i’m not changing my mind. no way, no how.

    omg, cutest thing ever, his 4y.o. stepdaughter just woke up and came out of her room crying that its scary to sleep without him. lmao, its funny cuz she assumes he sleeps next to her and her 2 brothers everyday (7&3 y.o.). i feel so bad lmao. now he went to put them back to bed so i guess the game is on pause until then!!!!!!!!!!!!

    maybe if i pretend to go to sleepp….. i don’t have to suffer anymore….

    yeah that plan just died, his co wife said “don’t even thin about it”. she saw me eyeing my bedroom door lol. HAHA she just said “if you told me he liked monopoly i would have never married him” (she’s joking of course. besides monopoly is a new love of his for some odd reason. maybe her kids got him on to it? idk.). they all came over tonight for pizza and games.. wow its so late.

    okay i gotta go he’s back. that was quick. yawn.

    i swear i’m about to fall asleep right here and now.

    maybe if i eat more chocolate it’ll help keep me up.

    wow i can’t stop yawning lol

    goodnight.

  • Aishah2013

    December 24, 2013

    Wow must be tilapia day.I just dropped off a 10;pound box for my husbands’s mom.she has brunch tomorrow and its basically a family reunion.funny enough ( because its basically some soul food or southern cooking)I am always asked to bring the ” white girls special” a big salad.maybe it not my cooking ( they have taught me the secrets of fried chicken ( top secret)its maybe cause I work a lot….but I am elevated to the fish! Ana and ummof4 your advice is so sage knowledgeable I just have to write it down.I like the ” don’t even speak of Co” and God gives people spouses he gives them and it’s all a test in this short lifetime…

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, happy

    You should have seen my face when you said you bought “Almond Pecan Cashew Clusters” for yourself. Yuk, naaaaastay! I bet they do last you a long time LOL Nope, can’t stomach stuff like that laughing I hope you don’t mind my honesty LOL oh, boy…

    It’s funny; I bought toilet tissue yesterday too. I really enjoy Talapia fish, as well. I’m a seafood person for real.

    About what it says about us, if we get the husbands we deserve, I gave it a little thought the same as you. I can speak for me. Most here know my story. I didn’t make my husbands belief level a priority when I agreed to marry him. He said he was Muslim, but didn’t know a lot about the religion, however, was willing to learn. Allah swt tells us not to take those outside our ranks into our intimacy. Alex was fairly new to Islam, pretty much. He didn’t know much of anything about it. I was Muslim then for about 15 years at least, and was staunch in my belief. Islam was and is my world. Nonetheless, I pursued my earthly, worldly desires and married him, despite my wali/bestess advice that I not do it. So, here I am. I have a really sweet, nice, patient husband who treats me like a queen, so to speak, but he went off and got himself a non-believer to make a second wife. She possibly could be Muslim. He said she is. I really don’t know what she is. sigh All I know is that Allah swt says that non-believers will lead you astray. When he is with her, he is with non-Muslims in that household, as well. He’s with non-Muslims at work. He’s with non-Muslims all the time unless he is with me. I know he’s going through a thing with her, and it’s not good. I have to stay on my psss and qsss with him or else she’d be ruling my life the way she TRIES to rule his. I don’t know how he copes with an ugly mug barking in his face all the time when he’s down there with her.

    So, Insha Allah, I’m going to get a workout on. It’s quiet today. I think a lot of people are celebrating this holiday or something, as the number of visitors to the cite is way lower than normal today. It’s to be expected; I guess.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 24, 2013

    Salaam everyone, I hope everyone had a nice day.

    I ended up going shopping for house stuff with my mom (cooking oil, bathroom tissues etc.) and we finally got back. She also picked up 7 packs of tilapia (1lb at $2.50), not a bad deal. I picked up a guilty pleasure, a family size of True North’s Almond Pecan Cashew Clusters big grin Only my husband and I seem to enjoy it though so it should last us a while, lol.

    @Ana, rofl, I should have warned you about the length laughing I hope you enjoy it, he has an engaging style of speaking, in my opinion. Yes, if you find it appropriate, please do share here happy The topic discussed and the way he discusses it may bring calm and happiness to the ladies who may watch.

    Ana, I agree with you, its stated right in the Quran and we can all see with many actual examples in life — Allah puts you with those that you deserve, just as with the husbands here. I wonder though, what does that say about us who stay with them, if we think that the husbands deserve the type of person they chose to marry for a 2nd wife or 3rd/4th? I’m probably just over-thinking, though, because Allah also says that there is good for you in your spouse, though you may not see it happy I am most certainly trying to do what’s right and continue being as good of a Muslim as I can be, despite whatever my husband & his other wife might be up to, or whatever games she’s involving herself in. Sometimes its easier than other times, but I feel like I’m out of the deep woods for the time being, but not quite out of the forest just yet. I also don’t like how my parents still poke at the dying flames of hate just to try to get the fire going, but what can ya do, they’re parents after all. happy

    @Sumaika, you must have lots of patience. It must be hard to barely ever see your husband since you’re doing the two-different-countries thing. It could be hard if both wives lived in the same country, but at the same time, it would make things much easier on your husband too. Maybe he’d have more time for you, but of course that’s between you and him. There is a bright side to everything, so try to keep an open mind. I’m glad to hear that you’ll be able to actually live with him soon though, that’s something to look forward to! You’ll certainly be in my prayers, as everyone here is.

    Well, I’m gonna go back to the books. Time marches on & before I know it, Jan 25 will be here, yikes! laughing Talk to you ladies later (if not, goodnight!)

  • sumaika

    December 24, 2013

    My co-wife lives in india and I in south africa. I prefer it that way. I don’t wish her any harm but I just think I feel better bec we live in two different countries. I don’t know if I’d feel worse if she lived in the same country as me. I believe dua has great power and by making dua too for others Allah blesses us too. My husband will be leaving again for india and he hasn’t come to spend time with us but I am making sabr because soon I will be living with him whenever he’s in south africa in our own home where his buisness is. I pray Allah gives me the strength not to fight with him when he’s there. Request for duas

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I received your email. Insha Allah, I’m going to try to set the video up on my TV later, so I could watch it while I’m in bed, relaxing. Woman, it’s like and hour and a half long surprise I watched a few minutes of it and it seems quite interesting. Insha Allah, I’ll let you know what I think about it once I finish it. Thank you much, Sis, for thinking of me. I’ll see if it’s appropriate to share on the blog, as well.

    Spirited, I totally get where you’re coming from about the co-wives being friends or not being friends, and not being responsible for each others happiness. I wasn’t exactly thinking about it from the in depth perspective that you were. I was thinking more along the lines that polygamy is good because it allows more women to experience matrimony and have families. What goes on in the marriages is their business. Just like in your situation, Allah swt for a reason put your husband with a woman who is an unbeliever. It certainly wasn’t any type of reward for your husband. We know he deserves to be with her, as Allah is a Just God. The same with my husband’s other, he deserves to be with her. We get the mates we deserve.

    Even if we think our husbands are married to jacked up women, we should do as ummof4 stated, “As long as your rights given by Allah are not being violated, don’t fight your husband’s decision. Try to comprehend it and live with it. Ask Allah for help and strength.” I say let them do their thing. They’re only going to do what Allah has decreed for them. It’s their business. When my husband first became polygamous, I believed he did so to fulfill his sexual desires. I have since grown in faith and know that whatever reason he married her it’s between him and his Lord. He will have to account to Allah for what he’s done. It’s not my business, so I no longer waste any time on what they do or why they do it. We live it and we learn it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    @Sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I agree with those who say it’s best not to talk with your husband about the co-wife, unless it’s ABSOULUTELY necessary. He may not be thinking about his other, but you best believe he will begin once you bring her up. You don’t need him to focus on her when he is with you. You don’t need to focus on her when he is with you. What good does you and he focusing on her do for either of you? It may benefit him, but it won’t benefit you. Next thing you know, he’s desiring to be with her or he begins to reminisce about her and what they’ve done – whatever it may be. We have to use logic.

    I’m grateful to Allah that my husband does not talk about his other to me unless it is absolutely necessary, such as have something to do with the schedule. People talk about what means most to them. If a wife has a husband who talks all the time about the other wife, it’s where his mind is and his heart is probably there, as well.

    It’s way nice that you think of buying others gifts. My husband’s other and I don’t get along and I never think of buying her anything. Sisters-in-faith have love for one another. I don’t view my husband’s other as a sister-in-faith. Whether she is Muslim or not, Allah knows best. I know that after seven years of she and my husband being married to each other, she still has the mentality of an unbeliever. She takes Alex through pure hell. Apparently it’s what he deserves for being with her. Allah is a Just God.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    Ummof4,

    I meant to say, I could not have said it better. I always thought that the women wanted their husbands to marry the divorcee, windows, and older women because they saw them as undesirables. I love the way you explained that it is because they think a “charity wife” is not based on a marriage of love and desire. You brought it home.

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    Assalamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Ummof4, Well said! You stated that so nicely. It was a precise explanation. Could not have said it better. Alhumdulliah!

    Congratulations on having been married for 38 years. It is so beautiful!I was in the same boat as you in that my husband was definitely not my type. Many people find it weird that he and I are together. LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 24, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, I understand what you mean. When women say that they would feel better if their husbands married widows or divorcees with orphans, they are thinking that it would be a marriage of sympathy, not of love or desire. As women, it takes a lot of time and du’ah for us to come to the realization that our husbands are capable of loving and caring for more than one woman at a time. Allah has given many men the ability to do so. We as women feel more threatened when we feel that it is not a “sympathy marriage.”
    When I counsel first wives on polygynous marriages, they often ask me, “Why does my husband want to marry her? He has me.”
    My answer is, “Why did he marry you, and what makes you think that you are all that he needs or wants? What makes you believe that Allah has not planned that your husband marry another woman at the same time that he is married to you? As long as your rights given by Allah are not being violated, don’t fight your husband’s decision. Try to comprehend it and live with it. Ask Allah for help and strength and ask your husband for assistance in getting through this phase in your life as pain free as possible.”
    Allah determines to whom we will be married, not us. As I look back on how I met my husband and how we have been happily married for the past 38 years, I remember that after we had been married for about a year we had a deep conversation. We were talking about our life plans we had made before we met each other. Both of us admitted that the other was definitely not “our type”. But little did we know then that Allah had already decided before we were born that we would be husband and wife one day. So everyone, as long as we are trying to love Allah more than anyone or anything else, Allah will always provide the best for us. And the best for us could be the test of polygyny.

  • ummof4

    December 24, 2013

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Sumaika, I am pleased that you are feeling better and more peaceful. I agree with you, the less we talk to our husbands about his other marriage, the better. Otherwise we are in a constant state of comparing, which could lead to complaining and being ungrateful to our husbands. It can also bring about more feelings of jealousy that we would have to fight against.

    As we strive to love Allah more, we must study Islaam from the Qur’aan and Hadeeth to learn what actions bring us closer to Allah. One of those actions is to give naseehah(sincere advice) to other Muslims. That includes ourselves, our spouses, our friends, our associates, our fellow Muslims we have met on this site. We can also give naseehah to non-Muslims as well. It may take some time and patience, but we as wives should strive to be sincere advisors to our husbands and they should strive to be sincere advisors to us. Being a sincere advisor means that you want the best for the other person, which would be the Jannah(Paradise). So we should encourage each other to strive for the Jannah. Being a sincere advisor means that the person we are advising may not agree with what we say or may not like what we say, but it may be best for them. And vice versa, when we receive naseehah from a sincere advisor, we should seriously think about it and not just ignore it because they disagree with us or we don’t like what they said.

    Loving others for the sake of Allah is an act of ebaadah (worship). I love you sisters for the sake of Allah. May Allah help us all.

  • Spirited

    December 24, 2013

    Salaam all!

    @Sumaika, hiiii~ How are you doing? Not only talking less, but not thinking of the co-wife can be helpful — “out of sight, out of mind” also works. But that’s if you and co-wife don’t get along. I stumbled across a short youtube video of two co-wives who looked like they were happy together, kind of like best friends almost happy If that kind of situation could exist for most of us, wouldn’t it make things so much easier? Sure there might be still disagreements and things popping up, but better overall.

    Mostly though, just between you and your husband, I wouldn’t think it makes sense to bring up your co-wife unless there was something important to talk about. (or unless you all live together, then it would be just normal). I think, time between you and your husband should just be for the two of you, not to bring up your co-wife laughing

    I like your attitude, I love buying gifts for people as well big grin Although I usually end up agonizing over the best gift I could get sad I always like to get something functional and useful, something that the recipient could actually benefit from or would really enjoy — and sometimes that’s really hard! Well, I have to go see to a few things, so I’ll be back later. Everything is moving along on my end, can’t complain really! happy

  • sumaika

    December 24, 2013

    Slms hope everyones fine. I just feel that when we talk less of our co-wives to our husbands then we would feel better that’s how I feel for the past week. Anyone else experience this ?I feel the less u know on what he’s spending on her the less problems. Whatever Allah has written for us to get through our husbands that’s what we will get. I do sometimes wish I had money of my own so that I could buy gifts for my co-wife and more so for the kids and his parents…

  • ana

    December 24, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    At times some have mentioned here that their husbands didn’t marry the widows or divorcees or older women as second wives. They found fault in their husbands for marrying younger women instead of the above mentioned. Men, however, are not restricted to only marrying those women as second, third, or fourth wives.

    Allah says, “Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among your slaves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasseth all, and He knoweth all things.” Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 32

    I think some women emphasize to their husbands that they should marry older, women, widowed or divorcees, simply because they want to deter their husbands from marrying someone the husbands want to marry that is not one of the aforementioned.

    Again, we see that Allah provides, which He tells us throughout the Quran. He gives and restricts our means according to His measure. He gives us what He wants us to have.

    In knowing this, we should know that wives won’t always get from their husbands the same things, as Allah determines who gets what. One wife may be more favored by Allah swt than another, and receives more from Allah (by way of her husband.)

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 23, 2013

    Salaam everyone,

    Still awake here, waiting on the dryer so I can put away some clothes laughing

    @Marie, nice to hear from you again! I hope your family continues to be well, Insha’Allah. Your point about this life being transitory is a good one, and something many people today don’t care to remember until they’re “old” then all of a sudden, they’re the most observant Muslims laughing Ah well, to each his own. We can serve as reminders, but can’t force anyone to follow what is being reminded.

    @Ana, I sent you an email earlier, I liked the message in the clip and thought you might enjoy it as well, check it out at your leisure happy

    As to the (hypothetical?) question you posed, I feel that a person’s feelings regarding a co-wife depend largely on that other person, as well as the husband and how he went about the whole polygamy thing. If the husband was deceitful and the co-wife constantly instigates arguments that affect the 1st wife, the woman would obviously not consider the 2nd wife’s feelings or worry about if she “deserves” the same benefits that she has (a husband, children, security, etc.) — unless she’s some extraordinarily patient person and is still able to put the 2nd wife before her own wants. In another sense, the 1st wife is not responsible for the happiness of the 2nd wife, or for her maintenance, or what she deserves or doesn’t, correct? At least, that’s what I could see as being the rationale for why many have complained about the situation.

    For my own case, I can most definitely claim that this was all just for my husband to have fun and enjoy more sex. I can say this because he even said so (in Sept., some time after his daughter was born) “I never thought it would be this complicated, I was having so much fun. But I’ve made a huge mistake, I should have never even started talking to her.” Furthermore, we spoke about polygamy years ago, I even expressed acceptance of it, assuming all halal requirements were met. What does he do? He marries someone in secret — there wasn’t any need for this, we had already discussed polygamy (except of course, that he had no intentions of doing things halal). He marries a non-believer (who doesn’t even seem to practice her own faith at that, possibly an atheist under the “Christian” label) — was there a shortage of Muslimahs all of a sudden? No, obviously there wasn’t, but a non-believer will most certainly do haraam things in the sex department that a Muslimah would never entertain. Back in August, he even told me that that he had been gleefully telling his friends how much he enjoys sex with two different women — the thrill, excitement, comparisons, differences, power he feels, etc. (although ever since his 2nd wife’s pregnancy & birth of his daughter, he says he’s not been so childish about it anymore and warns these same friends that its not all its cracked up to be laughing ). So, yes, at least in my case, I see no altruistic reasons for him to have married a kaffir, nor are there any altruistic reasons for me to care what she gets. She could have, and should have, married someone of her own faith (or lack of faith).

    If he have married a sister in Islam (even with the lying & secrecy), I know I would definitely be much more concerned about her and wanting what one would want for oneself. Even now, despite the fact that my husband’s 2nd wife isn’t a Muslimah, I’m still perfectly willing to be friendly, but I don’t particularly feel that she’s “entitled” to anything. Still, that’s not my decision to make, it’s Allah’s. After all, Allah has already given her so much — already a baby, as well as most of my husband’s money & time. But that’s alright, for my end, I’m working to easily accept what comes and not be a pain in the butt to the one who couldn’t control his lusts and couldn’t avoid situations that the shaitaan loves (having meetings with her alone before marrying her, for example).

    Aaaaaanyway, I feel that there’s no point to continue to be bitter or bring it up over and over again. You just have to keep on moving forward and jump the hurdles that come up. If you fall over a few times, no big deal, just get up and keep going. big grin I don’t blame the women who say their husband took on more wives for ONLY his own physical desires — that definitely does happen. Hmmm, I kind of feel like my thoughts were wandering in this post, but I can’t seem to make what I wanted to communicate any clearer. Hopefully I’m not too confusing happy I still haven’t been able to remember what I had wanted to bring up a few days ago sad Well, it probably wasn’t that important, lol. Ok the dryer is all done, so I’ll be taking care of that and heading off to sleep. Goodnight everyone! Talk to you again!

  • KA126

    December 23, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum Sisters,

    It was never my intent to make it seem as if I looked negatively regarding my CoCo not working. I may be at home myself soon. Especially since my job is up in the air right now. May Allah Subhana wa ta’ala make it easy for all of us. I was just stating the facts about the added expense and how it would affect the family.

    If I took the job in Delaware, it would be so far away from my husband and it wouldn’t be a marriage. At least not a marriage that I desire. He has no desire to move. That is why I thought if I did get the job that it would be a sign to leave. Habibi has been very quiet and clingy lately since I have returned home. We haven’t discussed it since that day. I have thrown digs, but that has been all. I am hurt, but I truly believe it is in the qadr of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. He has suggested that I sell my house and move into his. He will get her an apartment. I’m kinda wary about that. I am thinking I shouldn’t do that until after the baby is born. I don’t want to give up my security I guess. In sha Allah, the answers will come.

  • ana

    December 23, 2013

    It is strange that when women talk about their husbands taking on another wife, they speak of the husbands enjoying themselves. They speak of the husbands having fun and it all being about intimacy. Yet, they don’t consider there are single women who want the same thing they (the first wives) have. Aren’t they entitled to have husbands and intimacy,and children, etc, as well? Allah presents the opportunity to them, and makes it happen. Does the first wife thinks that another woman is not supposed to have a husband, children, and intimacy too? if they believe in polygamy, they must know there are women that will marry married men. Why does a first wife think that no other woman should have what she has? What makes the first wife think that she’s entitled and no other woman is?

    This is an open house no need to knock just come on in.

  • ana

    December 23, 2013

    My mom is not Muslim, yet one thing I will never forget – she took her hand and closed her fist. She said when your hand is closed, nothing comes in and nothing goes out. She then opened her hand and said it is how we give and receive. I always remember what she said. I found it to be true even before I became Muslim. When I used to try to save and not spend, I had very little. When I began to spend more on myself and others, I always kept getting more. Now, I spend more on others than I do on myself, but Allah always gives me what I want that is good.

    Ruqayya, I had to raise my eyebrows when you said you’d rather send your money to Syria or Africa than have your husband have it and it benefit another wife worried WOW!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 23, 2013

    Ruqayya,are you in a polygamous marriage at this time or is still your husbands plan? I don’t know wif it was gonna be it was gonna behy I’m thinking you are not yet in a polygamous marriage….where is laila these days? ..the discussion has been really good food for thought…I think I was not looking to make my husbands life more difficult because of being in a polygamous relationship…if it was gonna be it was gonna be no matter how much money he had…I honestly just didn’t want to pay for Co. maitainence and creature comforts because I’m not married to her…so I was gonna put some $ in the joint account cause kids stuff comes out of there,my car payment,bills,etc.I figured out a fair amount and contributed it.I still have $ in my account for things I will cover.so its OK.true if not. for Allah I would not have gone to school, been able to work a decent profession where I can help people….

  • ana

    December 23, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All

    Marie,

    I really like your baby’s name. I am glad you all are well and I’m so happy to hear from you.

    I whole heartedly, unequivocally, share your belief that Allah has written the script and the ink is dry. People are only going to have the number of wives, children etc that Allah has determined for them, and spend money the way He determined they will. Regardless of how much someone tries to prevent or deter a husband from having another wife, if Allah has decreed it to be, she can’t stop no show. She’s deceiving herself and only adding stress to her life in trying. Since I’ve learned the truth my life has been so much more peaceful and I’m more content.

    Ruqayya,

    You said you’d remind your husband that you’re being charitable. I’d suggest you not do it. ALLAH says don’t cancel out your charity by following it up with reminders.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Marie

    December 23, 2013

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    Hope everyone is have a lovely day/night. All is well at my end and were enjoying our newest edition more everyday. I forgot to mention we called him shu’ayb.

    The recent post about men being the maintainer/providers of woman got me thinking. In our household we have a shared income, my income and his income. Shared money sorts the household bill, I have my money and he has his, I have less outgoings so I tend to buy the thing we want rather than need. Annywhoo,while reading one of ummof4 post I felt like the old christian woman at the front of the church nodding her head and raiseing one hand, saying “preach” lol. I remember thinking if my husbands once again informs me he is going to marry “other” I will stop contributeing toward the household out of my or our income (he can have half and I will have half of the joint income) I foolishly believed (for a quick minute) that it would prevent him from taking another wife. My husband ccame home from the masjid and shared some of his lesson with me, it was about the first creations of Allah, (side note: its not relevant weather thr first creation was water or the nur (light) of prophet Muhammed(pbuh) depending on scholors or hadeeth) sooo, the first creation was water,then the throne,then the pen, then the guarded tablet. Allah ordered the pen to write and it writ for 50,000 years everything that would happen, not a drop of water falls that it was already written. So my point is this, why do we burden ourselves by beliveing that we create our own situations and outcomes, weather that be how many children we will have,how many woman our husbands will marry or what of our income we will give away, Allah is the only creator and we share none of His attributes. Ultimatly we will reside in paradise or hellfire based on our deeds which we accumilate through our intentions, Allah has already written how many children,wives we will have and what of our income will will give away, we can only have good intentions or bad. My intention was to make things difficult for my husband if he married again, (bad intention) buuut Allah has already written weather he will or not so all I would have done is earned myself a bad deed, and my husband would still be polygamous. Well those were my thoughts. Ill leave you all with a hadeeth and quick explantion that has been ringing in my ears since I heard it

    Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both, said: “the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, grabbed my shoulder and said: Be in this world like a stranger or a passer-by, and Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with them both, used to say: “If you enter into the evening do not wait for the morning, and if you enter into the morning do not wait for the evening, and take from your health for your illness, and from your life for your death.” [Narrator: Abdullah ibn Umar, in Sahih Al-Bukhari]

    This Hadith is root of shortening our hope in this worldly life, and that the believer should not take this world as his homeland or abode, where to rest, but he should consider himself a traveler who prepare himself for leaving, as Allah the Almighty said: “O my people, this worldly life is only [temporary] enjoyment, and indeed, the Hereafter – that is the home of [permanent] settlement.” [Ghafir 40:39]

    Much salaams to all

  • Ruqayya

    December 23, 2013

    But I would remind him that it is a charity for me to help out and I want to see him making steps towards building his finances again. I know it would really make me dislike my situation should I have to forgo a right of mine because he wants a right of his, meaning I’d have to give up my right to financial maintanence so he could live out his dream of fulfilling his right to polygyny. That’s not how it works… every one should have their rights fulfilled and neither spouse should be selfish in regards to giving the other one what will increase the love between their hearts be it finances, affection, sex or anything else that a husband and wife share.

  • Ruqayya

    December 23, 2013

    Spirited I do agree that we should help a husband in his time of struggling, but in my case my husband wanted me to contribute WHILE we had nothing, we were living off government benefits while he took another wife from another country who had government benefits of her own.
    I agree that he can take a second wife WHEN he has the money to support me fully so that he isn’t a “charity” case for me, and should Allah take away my husbands money after that point I would be more than happy to help out with my own household bills and depending on the relationship with the co wife and her circumstances I may help her or I may expect her to get a job herself and help towards her own household.

  • Ruqayya

    December 23, 2013

    MashaAllah for all Allah has enriched us with, we would be no where without Him… remember though one ayah is just as important as the others. It is just one ayat that discusses marrying 4 wives but that one ayah is what has bought us all here… we cannot discount the one ayah about polygyny because the other ayah says a man can never be just.. all ayahs are very important…

    I came across the ayah in surah an nur that states those who cannot afford to marry should abstain until Allah enriches them from His bounty.. very interesting.
    I wonder if we could gather together all the ayahs that would be useful for a man seeing polygamous marriages so that they would know what is expected of them from Allah and whether their wives are being truthful in what they say or if they are in fact just jealous and nit picking

  • Ruqayya

    December 23, 2013

    Whatever hard earned money I get I’d rather send to the children of Syria, or Africa, or elsewhere where babies are suffering.. or I’d rather send it to a revert who does not know the quran so that she can pay for lessons to learn etc. My husband is not “poor”. We aren’t rich, but alhamdulilah we have MORE than enough to eat and a roof over our heads. So I’m not being selfish in keeping my hard earned cash away from his pockets and any other families he concocts.

  • Ruqayya

    December 23, 2013

    @Ana, I didn’t mean it in a selfish way either… I just mean that the mans duties are financial, this is what makes marriage a challenge for him because he has a responsbility towards his wives and kids. I intend to use my money as Ummof4 has, but before this I was planning on splitting the bills and rent etc 50/50. This would cause unneccessary hardship and worry for me, better I stay at home or work part time if I need to and not stress about how I am going to pay the bills and allow my husband to take on his responsibility. He is capable of it so it is not unfair on him. If something should happen I know I would take up some responsibility BUT I won’t take over the bulk of his responsibility because that just leaves a man who can enjoy 2 marriages or more but has no responsibility towards anyone. In this case what is the difference between a husband or a boyfriend who jumps between “baby-mamas” every now and again?

    My responsibilities are to cook, clean, care for the home and children. His are to financially provide, care for me and my children. THIS is what brings happiness and reward, not a woman working her ass off to take care of multiple families while the husband jumps between all of them care free.

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    Spirited, good to hear from you,

    Your parents sound as though they are very protective of you hee hee It’s all good! You sound very happy. I could use some of your spirit and patience.

    Nothing new is happening on my end. It’s the same old, same old.

    Nice post you wrote, Spirited. There is nothing we spend in Allah’s cause that He doesn’t reward us for. Islam is pretty simple, indeed. If we can do it, then we should do it; if we can’t, then we don’t. Everything is relative. We have to look at each situation and use the Quran as our guide. Allah says he has given the Believers a criterion (Quran) to judge between right and wrong.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Allah swt tells us in the Quran that Believers conduct their affairs with mutual consultation. There are many more things we must do associated with being a Believer. I’m strictly addressing your question, which was, “Do we have to discuss having more kids with our husbands ?” If you and your husband are Believers or are striving to be, you two would have dialogue with each other about having children, and will come to an amicable agreement. Of course, Allah swt is the One who ultimately decides. We have be mindful that there is a difference between a mere Muslim and a Believer.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 22, 2013

    Salaam everyone,

    I haven’t written in for a few days. Not much has been going on. I was supposed to be helping a cousin & some of his friends organize clothing donations for the homeless today, but when I was going to leave, as is good manners, I told my parents where I was headed, and they told me I can’t go, unless I intend to go “mix with non-mehrams and commit other sins” rolling eyes . Fine, but I don’t get why its no problem for my (unmarried) sister to go do whatever she wants, whenever she wants (they just say they can’t force her). So instead, the one who follows “the rules” is the one treated like a criminal. Well, that’s the way its always been, guess I can’t expect it to change. laughing

    I don’t have much to say about the topic brought up in the comments. Men should be aware of their responsibilites according to Allah, and women should aware of theirs. If you spend of what Allah provides, Allah gives you more. If you spend what is yours towards your husband, Allah may treat it as charity — same as if you gave the money to a charitable case yourself. Allah knows best happy In my opinion, you should do what you feel is right and what you’re comfortable doing. If your husband is doing fine providing, then no problem, the wife should keep her money to use for what she wants. If the husband is struggling, and the wife feels that she can give him a hand to ease his burden, there’s nothing wrong with that either. Life is hard enough, no need to complicate it further. Islam, too, is pretty simple happy

    The pregnancy thing, same applies here with that — Allah provides happy I know sometimes people try for a long time to have one and some people have many without even really spending any time trying. Sometimes people need medical assistance, other times even with preventative measures, they can’t prevent it. No one should put pressure on someone else to either have more kids, or not have kids. Its between the spouses and Allah, 3rd parties should remove themselves from the equation big grin

    @Ana, I’m so glad that your siblings’ birthday party was fun! It sounds like it was pretty fancy and I hope you enjoyed yourself!

    I hope everyone is doing well, I’m gonna go read Salat, take care of some other things here and there, like cutting my nails laughing Talk to you ladies later. I had something I wanted to bring up here, but its slipped my mind for the moment. Hopefully I’ll remember it later!

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You are correct; we probably are basically saying the same thing, just with different emphasis. It is so easy for misinterpretations and misunderstanding when only writing is involve and we don’t really hear the tone or see expressions, mannerisms etc. To me, (how I interpreted it), here, I began to hear what sounded like, oh, okay, I’m going to stop spending my money on him. I’m going to make him struggle. I’m not going to make polygamy easy for him. He’s about to experience a living hell. I’m suffering. Now he’s about to start suffering too. I’m cutting him off (financially). It’s sounds ugly to me. I think most of us, when we first get involved in a polygamous marriage, go through a period in which we want are husbands to suffer, and be unhappy. Then we grow and see that it’s not the way of a believer. We see the errors of our ways and how we were wrong. We then begin to strive for a change in ourselves and strive to live the way Allah swt has instructed us.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 22, 2013

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, I hope that you nor anyone else thought that I was asking wives to be selfish towards their husbands with their finances. It’s just that Allah has given us rights and responsibilities that we must receive and fulfill. When a wife supports herself completely financially and looks out for herself and her own protection, she is not allowing her husband to fulfill the responsibility given to him by Allah.
    Helping out a husband is sadaqah, but paying all the bills is not. It is not selfish for a wife to want and expect her husband to protect and maintain her. And yes, maintenance is not just about money.
    We as women can give lots of sadaqah and are told and encouraged to do so by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad. As you stated, many women are better off financially than many men. Often this is because they do not have to take care of the household bills. I know a number of wives who have paid for the hajj of their husbands, pay for vacations, pay school tuition for their family members, support women and orphans, operate zakat funds, etc. The list goes on and on. We must be generous with what Allah has given us.

    I believe we are basically saying the same thing, just with a different emphasis.

    May Allah help us all to properly serve HIM.

  • sumaika

    December 22, 2013

    Slms hope everyone is fine. I read of the one lady wanting to fall pregnant and the husband saying no. Do we have to discuss having more kids with our husbands ? I’m not on any contraceptive and want to fall pregnant again especially after my miscarriage. And alhamdulillah my husband is looking for a home for us in the town where he works so that he can spend time and stay with us when he’s here on buisness. I can see he’s trying to make me happy too s0 alhamdulillah for that. May Allah make all our lives happy and easy. Ameen

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    Of course men are supposed to maintain and protect women and children who are weak and oppressed. He has given the one (men) more than the other – strength, spiritual knowledge, if they are believers. They can fast and pray when women can’t. They go to battle etc. People get it twisted when they narrow it down to money and finances. Allah swt has given many, many women more financially than men. Allah is the ONE WHO PROVIDES.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    With regard the discussions here about the ONE ayah in the Quran, which it is said, men are the “maintainers” and “protectors” of WOMEN, not wives – women, I look at the hundreds of other ayat in the Quran in which Allah speaks of spending in His cause, charity, giving, generosity, sharing with regard kindred, orphans, wayfarers, those who ask, those who don’t ask, the needy, neighbor et. al. and if I have, I intend to give. I intend to help my husband and any one else it may help in helping him (which includes his other wife). I intend to do it with the means Allah swt has given me . He has put it in my possession to disperse with it as he has instructed me.

    I have always received the blessings and bounties that Allah swt has promised me in doing so. I would never promote selfishness on this blog. It is not what Islam is about.

    Now, those are my thoughts on it. You all do exactly what Allah has decreed for you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    Felicia, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    What a blessing that you were able to take your mum to Umrah. What a wonderful memory to have and cherish. I appreciate all the duah you have made for us while there. It was very kind and thoughtful for you. I pray Allah swt answered all your prayers for that which is good.

    I know what you meant in saying that had you given it much thought you probably would not have taken your mum lol. When the time comes for us to go, we do as Allah commands and go. Having the personality (reserved, introverted) that I have, I thought I wouldn’t make it to Hajj; although I knew I was supposed to go and I wanted to fulfill my obligation. Alex came home one day and said we were going to perform Hajj and it was all that had to be said. We find ourselves doing things that we didn’t foresee. It’s just another sign for us to see Allah controls everything. There are so many signs every where. Felicia, I pray the best for you and your family and with all your endeavors. Insha Allah, stop in again when you get the chance. I love hearing from you happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 22, 2013

    thank you ummof4 and Ruquyya I read the surah/ayat and will discuss with him. I forgot to mention that oldest son still lives in that house, that’s where my thought of helping that house out came from.but yes I am done with that. it is a lot for man to take on, but yes that’s what Allah. gave them as a role, whether one wife or more.

  • Rasha

    December 22, 2013

    @aisha2013

    I agree with ALLLL the ladies you’re doing way to much. Maintenance is MEN’s reaponsibilty not ours. Mashallah for what you did but STOP it now

  • Rasha

    December 22, 2013

    @aisha2013

    Inshallah I will pray. I want more kids but its not SERIOUS…. Just my internal desire. Maybe I should babysit my friends babies 😊😊

  • ummof4

    December 22, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Aishah 2013, I know that it feels good to spend your hard earned money on what you want, not what your husband feels you should spend it on. May Allah reward you for helping out with the mother of your husband’s children who had a disability. However, when your husband married his second wife and moved her into the house, at that point it was a different situation. It was completely up to him to take care of all the bills in the house with his new wife. She is correct in being dependent on him. We should all be dependent on our husbands, unless some catastrophe happens and he loses his good health or has a TEMPORARY financial setback.

    Since you mentioned credit card bills and other bills for the children, the money you will not be spending on bills at your husband’s other house could be used to pay down the credit card bills.

    To everyone, please read the ayats in the Qur’aan on riba (interest). Surah Al-Baqarah Ayats 275-279. We should be aware of what Allah has to say about interest and debt. There are also hadeeth on interest and debt. There are du’ahs to say as well to ask Allah to keep us from debt.

    May Allah help us all to live our lives the way in which He commanded us. Allah’s way is always the best way.

  • Ruqayya

    December 22, 2013

    I used to think very similar to you Aisha, that I needed to contribute into the household because I felt bad for my husband.. but when he started seriously discussing polygyny and there were potentials and I felt the degree of the test it was for me (I used to love the idea of polygyny) I stopped thinking and feeling guilty. The thing that keeps me calm(ish) is that my husband will also struggle as much, if not more than I struggle in his endevour to take on polygyny. It makes me feel happy that he will have tests too and will need to lose some comfort, spend nights stressing about finances, wondering when he gets time for him.. it means it’s a test all around not just a test for the wives but a party for the men. It is how I view it as not “unjust” as some women view it, and that is how Allah intended it (that the man pays and the women focus on the babies and home duties). But I hope that each cent you contribute to your household is a major charity and a reward is placed for you in the next life.

  • ana

    December 22, 2013

    Sorry it took me so long to approve posts. I had my contact lenses in and couldn’t read my phone while out. I just got home less than an hour ago and I am so ready to try to sleep. I dropped my older sister off at my younger sister’s house for the after party (she, her husband and my mom will spend the night there). It’s too much partying for me and I’ve got Fajr salat to get up for.So, I dropped her off and kept getting up.lol Anyhow, the birthday bash was first class all the way (fireplace burning in the dinning room , with an elegant wedding like setting). I had a very nice time. Insha Allah, I’ll read u all later. Adios Amigos!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2013

    December 21, 2013

    when she died suddenly it causes you to check yourself.I felt regret and wished to keep helping with both household bills.when he got this Co and and moved her into that house we were still splitting bills..then the abuse of our account to spend on her things, me getting couple separate accounts…I decided why not help with these bills this house, help with
    my kids bilks,credit cards he has run up..but I’m not contributingtowards other house where Co is.last pay check I kept my whole check felt good..if I were to contribute just as Co does I might pay water bill/ not much. if I didn’t contribute more than Co he would be stretched…but maybe should be the case.thanks ladies

  • Aishah2013

    December 21, 2013

    Salaams thank you for the reminder that the man is the sustained and protector of women.thank you ruquyyah and ummof4 for the financial reminders and guidelines…how did I get to this point…well I bought my first house,car by self before marriage, ( the pre hubby good credit days) and also my next house before we married.at the time we met he was paying bills for house wherehis kids lived,as their mom had disability…later it became normalfor us to pay bills together on both houses.and I’ve said it before it was like living polygamy before my current experiences,the why didn’t she save enough of her disability check to pay the light bill, she always needs something, she’s back inthe hospital,etc.the comments bond was that she and the boys needed to be taken care of,I could afford to help,that was my charity,sometimes unfortunately with some grudgeful feelings on my part…

  • Aishah2013

    December 21, 2013

    rasha I hear you.sometimes I feel that way. – you got your needs met /exercised your right now what about….but slow down.maybe go treat yourself do something nice for you…spend a bit on you…I just got the works done hairwise..I used to feel some guilt indulging myself but I don’t anymore…its a hairstyle change not a lifestyle change…but another child..lifestyle change…if you already have two a third sometimes means another carseat another car..sometimes the third rocks the apple cart, disrupts the evenness of two ( yes I’m still discussing kids)..maybe you have been blessed with two fairly easy kids maybe the third will be the difficult colicky never sleeping kid…and if your husband is not in agreeance at this time its serious business.each kid is a life altering completely different human being…slow down..breathe..pray

  • ana

    December 21, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    I’m writing this quickly as I’m trying to get ready for the big partaaaay this evening. I have to run out and get the vehicle washed. I was looking at a video on how to put get the 30s look in eye makeup LOL

    I quickly want to say that I find the discussions here quite interesting. We all hear what we want to hear, reject and accept what we want. We aren’t all going to believe the same. It’s a given.

    What I hear a lot of is, “I want; I want; I want; me, me, me.” You get the picture. I used to me one of those persons, thinking I’m supposed to get everything I want. I’m not that way anymore, as my beliefs about life has changed. I know everything is about what Allah wants. So, I’m going with it. Trying to Accept Allah’s decisions because He has infinite wisdom and knows what is best for me. If I rely on Him, He takes care of me, provides for me and cherish me…the list goes on.

    If one reads the Quran, she will see that Allah swt speaks often about “lust”, lusts of our hearts. It’s not just about sex. It’s about our wants and desires regarding everything. Lust leads us astray. It leads us away from the straight path.

    We’ve spoken about how Allah swt decides who will have a child, how many, and who won’t have any. We know there are some people who try to prevent births, but it doesn’t happen. We know some who try to have children and do everything, in an effort to make it happen, but it doesn’t. My mom was on birth control pills when she conceived the twins. I even put an Ayah from Quran here on the blog regarding how Allah determines births. sigh Anyhow, I have to run.

    Take what you like here, and leave what doesn’t work for you. It’s all I have to say for now.

    Peace Out!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 21, 2013

    @ruqayya

    That’s EXACTLY what I mean!! You getting your rights and my right is to have kids. Don’t get me pregnant after you’ve gotten yours. I want kids no matter what

  • Rasha

    December 21, 2013

    &Ruqayyah

    My husband has had a second divorced and is seeking another. He knows its my right to have more and because we don’t agree on the reasons for waiting its one of the reasons I’m in iddah for the second time…. I feel like I’m sacrificingdo much to be with him and I don’t see what I’m getting out of it

  • Lynnette

    December 21, 2013

    As Salaamu Alakum, and Peace to All,

    It’s nice to be back. I’ve been busier than I probably should be — and the toll has been significant. I am tired. Wiped. But, In Shaa Allah, some rest will come.

    I push it because I have children in college, and because they depend on me for various things that cost more I can provide without the extra work. I mention this because it is a lead in to —

    @Sister Rasha,

    May the good in my words, whatever it may be, be from Allah (swt), who KNOWS ALL, and SEES ALL. If you find that what I say to you is of no use, please set it aside. My intention is to aid you as my sister in Islam for Allah’s sake.

    I have two children. I remember longing for a third, even until I was 35 years old. Now, I am mid-forties, and I have two children only.

    I was injured, but proving that my injuries were duty-connected will require years, and litigation.

    If anyone told me when I was in my 20′s — the energetic, work 12 – 14 hour day person I was — that I would be in this situation by age 40, I would never have believed it. Literally, it would have required a visit from Allah (swt), one of His Angels, or one of His Prophets to have convinced me. I say this as I do because I was warned — my Grandmother warned me. (Honestly. She did.) I did not heed the warning.

    If I had a third child right now, that little one would be suffering as a result of my own sickness.

    Interestingly, and I offer this to you as further evidence that Allah (swt) is a doer of what He Wills, the two children that I do have were both conceived while I was using hormonal birth control — OC tablets for the oldest, and Depo-Provera for the baby.

    Only Allah (swt) knows the future, Sister Rasha. What is written for you will be yours. Your husband cannot change that.

    Sometimes, the things that we like are the things that Allah (swt) hates, and the things we hate are the things that Allah (swt) loves, and are truly best for us. In our mates, there is frequently a quality that we abhor that is truly good for us. Could it be that your husband is concerned about the future?

    What about your children? Are they well-treated by their father? What about you? Other than Polygyny (his right), are you well-treated? (Receiving your rights?) We cannot take the Qur’an in parts, discarding the parts that we don’t like in favor of the parts that we do. It would be a corruption of our religion to do so. It would make us no better than any other group of innovators in religion. (This is a reminder for my benefit more than for yours!)

    In speaking with a “Christian” woman this week about a situation where she wanted tangible evidence that her husband was cheating on her, I asked her — point blank — what this “adultery” meant to her real life, right now. (The situation involved a long-term affair, the kind that could easily translate into Polygamy, if it were legal in the U. S.) Her husband is good to her, treats her and the children well, provides for her needs and the needs of the children, and generally is decently behaved. I had to ask her if she thought that she could so easily replace such a husband, and where she got the idea that she “could do bad by herself” should be a reason to end a marriage that is the foundation of her family? And what might happen, should she decide that a divorce is in order? Divorce would mean upheaval of that family’s entire life. I asked her if she has truly counted the costs, and if she’s considered that a more sensible and reasonable approach might be to bring the entire situation into the light, and resolve the problem as a couple, and then as three adults with a shared interest. The Bible does not expressly ban polygyny, save for the New Testament’s prohibition of polygyny for church leaders.

    Perhaps my questions were not appropriate. What she does is her free choice. But rather than to exploit her passion and pain, I tried to urge her to stop, pray, and think before proceeding, and to be very careful about who she chooses to tell about her situation.

    I urge the same of you, Sister Rasha. You have a legitimate marriage. Stop. Pray. Think. What do you have to gain by pursuing divorce at this point? What do you have to lose? Are the gains offset by the potential losses?

    @Sister Kim,

    Don’t worry about the past. Allah (swt) gave you your path to walk. You are not a failure. You are as He has helped you to become — wiser, smarter, and stronger than you were before. Keep your head up.

    @Sister Spirited,

    I have been reeling from the emotional impact of your recent posts. The idea that you have to save yourself for marriage is one thing. The fact that someone is going to check to assure that you do is another. I know that it has been done by various societies through the ages, but you just moved that from the realm of theoretical to reality, in a very poignant way.

    I can understand why you feel disappointed and betrayed. I can also see how you’ve come to lose respect for your husband by virtue of certain acts and words. I do question how much one can “love” someone who one no longer respects. That question deserves a page of its own.

    I urge you, Sister Spirited — stay on task, and in your books. Even though Allah (swt) knows everything that will happen to us and for us, He vested us with free will. I ask you to refer to Surah Ar-Ra’ad, v. 39. Some of our destiny is in our hands happy

    Nothing you do today will change anything that your husband has done, or anything that your husband will do. What you do today will change things for you.

    @Sister AK126,

    I feel for you; may Allah grant you patience while you go through this period of trial. Please consider Sister Ummof4′s words to you. You are not supposed to have to be financially “independent.” Having to bear the Husband’s burden of support does not make us better wives or mothers — I assure you of that. If it is your choice to remove yourself from the situation, at least know that it is your “choice.”

    I hear you say that the job is in DE. Is it commutable for your Habibi? What kinds of supports will you have in DE, vs. the supports you have in your present community?

    Sister, I will make du’a for you that you chose the right road for you.

    Salaam to all. Typing from a laptop makes me way to long winded. I missed you all! <3

  • ummof4

    December 21, 2013

    To continue the last post: My husband’s second wife also does not work to support herself or pay her bills. My husband believes that a man has to support all of his wives and children. If he marries more than one wife then he has to have enough income to support her and whatever children may be born as a result of the marriage. That means that any man who wants more than one wife has to find a wife who is willing to live within his means. This keeps financial fitnah to a minimum.

  • Felicia

    December 21, 2013

    As salaamu alaikum and Hullo to All,

    Just wanted to thank the 411 family for all the advice and support you have given me over the last few months. Allah has blessed me once again by allowing me to take my mother for Umrah. It was really a last minute decision and I was surprised that I found flights for a group of 6. I am now sitting in Masjid Nabawi and thinking of our loving family and missing you. The past 4 months had me running around finishing projects on my construction business. Now that I have closed for the holidyas Allah has guided me to taking my Mum for umrah,If I had given much thought to it I would probably never done it as my mother is an extremely demanding woman and Allah knows best. I am making dua for everyone of you.rushing for maghrib now. Sorry for spelling on my bb

  • ummof4

    December 21, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    As we are talking about loving Allah more, we have to remember that part of that love is obedience. Another is appreciation for Allah’s wisdom, which is far greater than any of us could ever hope or pray to have. Allah in His infinite wisdom made polygyny halal; Allah in His infinite wisdom made men the protectors and maintainers of the women and children. It doesn’t matter what we think or feel, that’s how Allah made it. Why do we help our husbands with finances to the point that we can be completely financially independent of each other? Why do we completely give up our rights to maintenance? I don’t understand.

    Maybe one of the reasons that many men marry other wives when they can’t afford to is because their wives, present and prospective, tell them they (the wives) will take care of the finances. Giving your husband sadaqah and helping out occasionally with the bills is one thing, completely relieving him of his financial responsibilities is another.

    I have never worked for money to pay bills since I have been married. But we have always lived within our means. Each time my husband married another wife he told them in the beginning what he could afford. They agreed to marry him knowing what the figures were. At the present time he has two wives. When he married his second wife he told her what he could give her each month and she agreed to accept that amount. It’s not my business what he gives her as long as my maintenance is not decreased in any way. And that has always been the case. My husband is not a rich man, and we are not destitute. I do earn money on a regular basis, and it is all mine to do as I please. I NEVER, REPEAT NEVER, PAY THE BILLS FOR BASIC HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES, CLOTHING OR MEDICAL EXPENSES. I have taught my daughters to do the same and when they married that was a condition for my husband to agree to marry them to their husbands. When I do earn money I use it for frills – a nice dinner out, a vacation, or I use it for giving sadaqah to various causes and people.

    Let us all follow the laws, rules and regulations of Islam that come from Allah (SWT)and Prophet Muhammad (SAWS). That is the only recipe for success in this life and the next.

  • ana

    December 21, 2013

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You caused me to smile. I just got finished reading part of the surah from Quran with Ayat – “which of the favors of your Lord would ye deny ” happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 21, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Good advice, Ruqayya and Ana.

    Rasha, you sound like your hormones are messing with you lately. Your tone has changed since the last time you wrote. Divorce your husband because he doesn’t want more children now you have two children? Which of the favors of your Lord would you deny? As long as you and your husband do not have surgeries to prevent pregnancy (which are not 100% either), and you continue to have sex, you may become pregnant. As previously stated, he may just be suggesting that you wait a little while and have some space between children. Are you afraid that when he marries the other sister they will have lots of children and you will only have two? Do you believe that if you are pregnant soon it will prevent him from marrying the other sister? Please don’t try to use pregnancy or children as pawns in a game. You may lose. Concentrate more on working through your feelings of jealousy and loss with the help of your husband. Having another child will not lessen these feelings, believe me.

    KA126 what do you mean by saying you will step aside since you can be financially independent? You are not supposed to be financially independent, your husband is supposed to provide for you. Let him do just that, and back off from paying all the bills for you and your children. As Muslim women, our primary responsibility is to Allah and Prophet Muhammad by loving and obeying them. Then we love our selves. Then we owe rights to our husbands and children. Leaving your husband for a job is not doing the best for the family. If it is for financial reasons, you are taking on a responsibility that doesn’t belong to you, it belongs to your husband. If you live in another state, where will your children live? With you and without their father or with their father and his other wife, without their mother? Where are your children in this decision making? As Muslim women we have to fight society’s mindset about the financially independent woman, wife and mother. That is not what Islam teaches. It doesn’t matter how much money you earn, your husband is always responsible for the maintenance of you and your children. Please don’t take on the role of the husband, you are the wife.

    May Allah help us all to be better slaves to Him today than we were yesterday.

  • ana

    December 20, 2013

    Ruqayya,

    You summed up EXACTLY how I think and feel. You totally get it. Yes, if we are getting our rights fulfilled, we won’t mind as much that they exercise their right to be polygamous.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    I do get what you say about not having to work but your co does. We are human and subject to liking to feel like our life is better than others, especially those we dislike. I too know I’ll feel better knowing I have an easy life and yet my co could be struggling because it’s like well now we’re even, I struggled and now you can struggle.. I don’t know if that’s how you feel, but you’re not a mean person for having these thoughts. I think its natural to want the better end of the stick when you’re in a polygamous situation, just we gotta make sure to keep these thoughts in check and not allow them to make us think we are better muslims than a co wife because of it happy

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    Ana thats exactly what I told my husband, while I’ll never be “happy” for him to be polygamous I explained that my rights being upheld will make it easier for me not to want to punch him lol. It really lets you feel that alhamdulilah at least you have your rights so let him have his if he must. Whereas if he were doing something as painful as polygamy AND saying nope you can’t have your rights a wife might start asking what is the point in being married?

  • ana

    December 20, 2013

    Ruqayya,

    I really like a lot what you said to Rasha. It’s very good advice and reasoning!!! What you said to KA126 was spot on, as well.

    The fact that I don’t have to work makes Alex being polygamous much easier for me to take, especially since his other has to. I know it may sound way mean of me to say so, but it’s truth.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    With that being said though I understand why Aisha gets annoyed… she was never given the option of taking on her right to be deoendent financially on hubs and the burden lifted off her. Instead he took money away from her giing it to a completely dependent second wife and increasing the amount Aisha has to pay towards her and her kids all the while coming home to an empty home modt of the time. I do feel for you Aisha but it seems hub by is being mre caring in telling her no its your day and also asking before he does take her somewhere? Are you getting more quality time?

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    KA she doesn’t need to work alhamdulilah in the wisdom of Allah he has made the man suppkrter and maintainer of the household, this means a wife can be free to be a stay at home mother if she chooses. As a co who is financially contributing I can see how it would annoy you that you contribute while she doesn’t but she is just exercising her rights to be dependent on the husband

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    Rasha it is a grounds for a divorce but take in mind what Ama has said also.. it doesn’t make much sense to ruin a family in hopes you’ll find someone else to be with. Does your husband have another wife or is looking for another? This could be a way to explain it to him. Say I love my kids as you love me but I desire more as you desire more wives. I cannot stop you islamically from remarrying so you should notstop me Iislamically from my desire to have more children.
    Finding islamic literature and possibly talking to an imam could help him see that he is stopping you from doing something that is well within your rights to want, desire and have and that he needs to fear Allah because his reasonings of denying you aren’t of sound nature. (Unless they are both young and he just wants you to wait until they are a bit older ). Let him see the seriousness of your request before taking the divorce route

  • ana

    December 20, 2013

    Rasha,

    I know you directed your question to Ruqayya and KA126. Since they haven’t responded yet, I thought I’d put in my two cents. I hope you don’t mind.

    A husband and a wife can divorce if they have differences they can’t resolve. If they can’t come to an amicable agreement or settle things between them, they can divorce. Allah swt says he will provide for the parties when they divorce.

    My questions to you are as follow:

    Do you love your husband? Do you believe he loves you? Is your husband the father of your children? Let me assume the answer is yes to all the questions. You’re willing to leave the man who you love, who loves you and is the father of your children, so that you could go find another man to marry, so you could have more children? You’d rather another man other than your current husband raise your children that you already have so that you can have more children? Are you willing to give your husband your children, and leave the marriage to meet and marry another man so that you could have more children? You are willing to take a chance that another man will love your existing children as much as your husband has? You’re willing to have children by another man and hope or pray he will love your existing children as much as he loves his own biological children? If you leave the marriage and never marry again, you won’t have anymore than the two children you already have unless you have them without being married. I could understand better if wanted a divorce because you had no children and you want children, but your husband doesn’t want any. It, however, is not the case; you already have two children.

    You have a husband and two children, but would be willing to give it up to go off, hoping to find another husband to have more children by? Pondering and ThinkingIt doesn’t make sense to me, but then again, it doesn’t have to.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 20, 2013

    @ Ruqayah and KA

    I want more kids and my husband is denying me. He says we need to focus on the two we have. I want more kids. Is this grounds for divorce?

  • KA126

    December 20, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum

    I want to thank everyone for your kind words and advise. When I wrote about my CoCo’s pregnancy, I had just gotten off the phone with Habibi as he shared the news. What I wrote were my initial thoughts. I have been in constant prayer since. I expressed to Habibi before that letting shaytan in his life, that would mean he was bringing it into my life as well. I also expressed to him that if he didn’t want any children, he was a grown man and he knows what to do to not have any. I mean he’s had them since he was 17. I started at 27,… so I’m sure he knows :% Yes, I have forgiven her, wholeheartedly for her past actions. I tried to reach out to her and was rejected. In sha Allah, Allah Subhana wa ta’ala will take into account that I took steps toward her. Habibi sat us both down and explained that we have six kids and he didn’t want anymore. After this discussion and much prayer, I agreed with him.

    My CoCo, however as you know is desperate to save her marriage. They haven’t been on speaking terms in a month due to her last fiasco with our daughter. Now we know, she was pregnant already. As a matter of fact, the past couple of weeks, I have been having dreams of her being pregnant and having morning sickness myself. So my nafs were trying to prepare me. Now that I reflect, what a wonderful thing it is to be a Muslimah. Alhumdulillah!!!

    Habibi is very upset about this, however this is all in the Qadr of Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. Whatever her intentions are, that’s on her. I love my family. Masha Allah we are doing wonderfully well. I will continue to seek guidance and direction from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. I am waiting to see if I will get this out of state position. If I do, I believe that it is the sign that I will move on. I’m sure having both families at max capacity is hard on him. I am willing to step aside in sha Allah since I earn my own income. In sha Allah, if I don’t get the position that’s the sign to stay put.

    She has never worked and has no initiative or motivation to start now. That is on them. I am just making sure to concentrate on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala and the hereafter for myself and my children. All these Dunya issues…. is just my test for the hereafter. I love my family….. I love my husband and he tries so hard. All these issues…. Alhumdulillah

  • ana

    December 20, 2013

    ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Jum’uah Mubarak to you too.

    After we discussed it ( a meet and greet), I gave it a bit more thought, as well. I agree with you that it could have an adverse effect. Some may leave the blog or no longer speak openly and honestly with everyone about what’s going on in their lives. Some may just downright dislike a person due to prejudices once they find out who they are. We have a safe haven here in that there is that major factor of anonymity. In THOUGHT it seem like a very good idea to meet and greet. I think it could be a lot of fun and good times, if it pleased Allah. Overall, it appears the cons may outweigh the pros. It may be best we leave well enough alone. We’ve got a good thing going here. Alhumdulliah. Maybe we’ll leave it as a nice thought. happy Thank you for inputting about it, ummof4.

    About the potential “meet and greet”, I reached out to Sister Woman, Wiccan Woman, recently, to check in on her and to let her know that we were considering a meet and greet sometime down the road. I let her know that if we were to pull it off, I would love for her to join us. She had been such a good friend here on the blog. happy She stated, “I am very happy to hear you are well! Kindly pass along my best regards to all on the Blog! Tell them I am sorry I have not been around, but “real life” has been keeping me “real busy” – you can give them, some details, if you like, as we need all the prayers we can get… ALL of us! winking” Sister Woman’s wife is not doing well health wise sad and they’ve taken in her wife’s sister to help her out as well.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 20, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    KA126,

    Try not to be upset with what’s going on with your co and the pregnancy. We know Allah decides all things. He decided your co would be pregnant; therefore, it doesn’t matter that she appear to have planned it or that your husband didn’t want anymore children. See it for what it is; it was Allah’s decision. Satan whispers to you, as he wants you to reject Allah’s decisions. Remember the truth of the matter and you will be at peace and content with what is happening thumbs up

    A reason your husband may seem supportive of you moving to Delaware could be that he is just sooo, so tired. He’s been through a lot, as well as you, with the co not being cooperative, trying to take you both through changes, and using the child to manipulate the situation. He may see it that he will have less stress with only one wife in close proximity for him to deal with.

    How much time has your job given you to let them know whether or not you accept the position? I know it can’t be easy for you to make that call. Allah has already done it. You have to see what He has decided for you. Keep turning to Allah swt for help and guidance.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 20, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    This is not on topic, but I was thinking about a possible reunion/meeting of the ladies on the blog. It sounds like a fun idea, but I wonder what effect such a meeting would have on our anonymity. Once we know whom everyone is, where they live, etc., it may result in some members leaving the blog because they realize that they already knew other members on the blog. I would hate for anyone to be embarrassed with this situation.
    On the other hand, it may foster some closer, lifelong friendships. And Allah knows best. Just some food for thought.

    Jum’uah Mubarak and have a nice day.

  • sumaika

    December 20, 2013

    Slms hope everyone is fine !

  • Kim

    December 20, 2013

    Salaam all,

    KA126 WHOA I didn’t see that one coming and I’m sure you didn’t either. Pregnant huh? I can sure see why you would feel a bit nonplussed by this development if hubs told you he didn’t want more kids and voila, coco has the proverbial bun in the oven. I mean it very well could be an unplanned one at least on his part but you know what they say….if you play the game you could score a goal eventually. Wow…..that job probably looks pretty good to you right about now. May Allah make this easy for you.

    Aishah, Yeah that’s what I’m doing, moving forward…..I love him but I am not able to do any more than I’ve done. N on the other hand is IN love apparently, her feelings for him never faded and they are full steam ahead. Intercepted a text this morning, I was curious wheere they are in their “reunion” and that text told me she is on board…saying she really loves him and begging him not to hurt her. How she handles the fact he is still in my home is beyond me….we are not living as husband and wife, no touching or intimacy or really talking about much of anything but she doesn’t know that, other than his word which she knows isn’t reliable but apparently he has convinced her – likely with the divorce papers – that he is for all intents and purposes a free man for her. I’m just waiting for that night he goes to her for a night, permanently, whatever. I’ll miss him in a lot of ways, he is a good friend. And I know N won’t allow that relationship to continue. Ah well, Allahu alim.

    I better get ready for work…going in a bit late today due to the snow we got last night and they haven’t cleared the roads much yet. Peace out ladies!

  • Ruqayya

    December 20, 2013

    @KA try not to think he didn’t want a child with YOU.. accidents do happen and we know that with every “encounter” there is a risk of pregnancy. If you do want a child you have every right to have one, islamically it’s your call (and his as well.. but one spouse cannot deny the other really).

    @Starved, try to get your husband into counseling but it would be hard as he will be so embarressed and will try to protect his secret with his life. To give you some insight.. I was introduced to porn as a child and became addicted as a teenager. Not something I ever admitted to anyone, but I do on some levels understand addiction. The sooner you can get him help the better, because even if it might just be naked women he is looking at today, soon enough it won’t be enough and he will be looking at more and more hardcore things. Addiction to porn isn’t sexual, its a chemical rush similar to a drug addiction. Possibly leave up a website on porn addiction on a shared computer? Or bring it up in a round about way. If you still notice little signs its best to approach him in a calm, loving but direct manner.

  • Aishah2013

    December 19, 2013

    salaams all.hey Kim keep moving forward.Gail u sound good.Ana and ummof4 good advice great advice as always.spirit your statement to starved interesting- what if he has another wife.I on other hand thought hey maybe he is not truly attracted to women and is trying to battle that demon and incorrectly (probably )thinks another wife will solve it….KA126 didn’t see that coming…maybe also caught your husband by surprise.will pray for all the ladies.KA126 since you have made growth…think I heard ( at sisters group) if God really loves you he will really test you! to draw closer to him…this will require a new pulling together of patience and continued trust in God…..myself..hmm..Co wants hub to drive her couple hours away to visit her friends (if u recall he said she has no one here,no friends,doesn’t Facebook,etc)..at first ithought wow she should drive self or get bus on her days off if afraid of driving(wants to go,come back same day cause of her work schedule next day)…he said it would be really nice if we could all drive together but he didn’t think would happen.I thought geez I would rather be doing laundry,cleaning up after kids ormowing the lawn in 100 degree heat.but patience stepped into my mind( thank you God) and I let him know that although I’m not going I am perfectly fine with him.not like I always know what he is doing all day anyway)so he should meet her friends if he has not..hmm…I have seen pictures of some and where they hang out..she is young. I imagine would miss her friends/ lifestyle…hey and maybe that will be the day I do something for me,like a massage, or I keep thinking maybe I could pull off some red highlights.

  • Spirited

    December 19, 2013

    Boo, looks like a paragraph got lost lol.

    @Gail, to summarize what was lost, I had written that the school 2 states away is only my 1st choice school. 2nd choice schools are all within commuting distance. So, I’ll decide where to go after applications are done & acceptances come in, God willing! I think I had also written that there’s no way I’m going to back down on “Plan B” prep, I need to have a safety net If things go sour. Thank you so much for thinking about me, giving me your warnings, keeping an eye out, & being a great support! I really appreciate it so much! <3

    Oh and also, I don't respect my husband very much anymore, but still love him & I don't see things as being so bad that we'd need to divorce at this point. He's asked for a 2nd chance, & is only month 5 so far, so let's see how it goes. If, God forbid, it was something like 5 yrs and he was still pulling the same BS & I let him get away with it, I would personally come to your place, give you a frying pan, & tell you to smack me around with it laughing

    I think that about covers it big grin. Goodnight ladies!

  • Gail

    December 19, 2013

    KA126,
    I can not even begin to express my sympathy towards what u are obviously are going through at this time.I don’t like any of this either and it smells of a rat if u ask me.If your cowife had no interest to work stuff out to come back home then what the heck.I was not even aware they were back to sleeping together.OH she is good VERY good and a smart little chicky!I wonder who gave her that idea to pop up pregnant her sister?
    You better watch your back with your cowife at this point is my thinking seems to me this is an act of war towards you.I hate to say that but unless I have missed something like your cowife coming back home from her sisters house or she has decided to let everything go for the sake of the family unit I have to lean towards this as cowife sealing the deal with hubby number 1 not to divorce her and number 2 to try to squeeze u out of the picture eventually.If she knows about your getting a job offer in another state then I BETCHA she is waiting with baited breath and praying u take that job.
    Also I am shocked at your husband did u know all that hanky panky was going on over at his sisters home.I am assuming all this was taking place at his sisters home but who knows.I will say this if your cowife has not come around to you by now and started acting normal towards u I wouldn’t hold my breath that she is going to come around anytime soon.
    I am very curious to know what u think about all this do u think it was an accident she popped up pregnant or do u think it was more calculated? Inquiring minds want to know.
    I will say it again that Chicky is either really cleaver or she has some really great Karma going on in her favor!LOL

  • Spirited

    December 19, 2013

    Salaam all, hope you’re having (or had) a nice day happy

    @KA126, <3 I'm sorry you feel so down about that. Believe me, I know how that feels. You know, it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want kids with you, and did with her. It could have been an accidental pregnancy (or she could have tricked him), so please don't beat yourself up over it happy I mean after all, the fact that you said he has been avoiding your cowife points to him not being happy about her pregnancy, yes?

    @Kim, I'm surprised how quickly you moved into action, you go girlfriend laughing I'm glad that you're happier now, Insha'Allah, the road ahead will be comfortable and smooth, but of course, please stick around here, you would be missed if you left us big grin

    @Gail, hey you! So good to hear from you, its been a few days. I hope your endeavors work out for the best, and that you end up making a lot of new friends — it seems unbelievable that you don't already have a bunch of good IRL buddies, considering how easy you are to get along with! I've read that something with lower impact than a treadmill is better for knees (unless you're doing a brisk walking pace, then its ok. but if you're jogging, its hard on the knees — I used to jog on my family's treadmill for a few years too, so I can see what they're talking about). Maybe an eliptical or Bowflex's Treadclimber? You can find some for a decent price on ebay or craigslist ($800-ish). I was looking for one for my mom not too long ago (she ended up not buying any because she said she's probably not going to use it anyway laughing ).

    Hmm, my husband told me some weeks ago that his 2nd wife isn't talking to him — but she is letting him talk/play/be with his baby, so he's not stressed over it. He also said he told her as well to look for someone else to marry (in case he dies of liver cancer — which he doesn't have, but he's still stuck on "inconclusive" ). So, he might have actually said it to her, he might not have — but he promised to tell me the truth and so far with the things I was able to check, he hasn't been lying, so I don't have reason to believe he's lying right now (yes it's always better to be careful happy ). I hope I didn't sound like I'm defending the dingbat, because I'm not.

    p+q=1. It is straight plugging in numbers and doin’ the equations! Simple stuff, but I still managed to get 2 of 3 wrong laughing. Math…one of these days… and then with physics, good God, the only problem is the sheer number of inane equations they expect you to memorize. Just now before taking a break, there were these two equations back to back — fraction of a submerged object & fraction of a floating object — and both were completely different. It’s like C’MON ALREADY! They should just provide an un-labelled sheet of equations. People who studied would know what the letters stand for and when to use them. Thank goodness they at least provide a Period Table, if they expected test takers to memorize that too, I would have had to kill someone. rolling eyes lol. Ok, enough with the ranting, I will see myself out laughing

    Talk to you ladies later, time for Salat, after which I will pray for you all, as always. And then back to math -___-

  • Gail

    December 19, 2013

    Ana,
    Yeah I meant him and I making friends together.I am doing really good walking the tread mill daily 30 minutes.No I don’t want to go out partying or anything like that but I would like to get involved and make some friends we have zero friends and frankly I am tired of living my life closed up all the time.Hopefully this new business is going to get me out more and into the public where I can be more social.

    Spirited I am thinking about u alot and your situation.I don’t know why but for some reason u always leave me scratching my head.I don’t understand how u could not focus in and think in a split second hey it seems my husband is trying to Ditch me.I hate to come across as Rude that is not my intent at all but dang girl again if a someone is telling u something esp to the point that he is telling u men u should marry or be with that is a huge red flag as far as I am concerned.
    On another note I totally get where u are coming from as to how your parents raised u to be protect your virginity and keep away from the boys etc.. and how u would expect other muslims to live by the same moral values.Here is the deal in reality had sex before marriage u would have gone through the same emotional bull crap that u are going through now.Yes it is sad that other Muslims esp the men just are not staying pure themselves but at least u are going through this in the context of marriage and not in a fornication type situation at least.So that is at least a positive.Honest to G.D if I were you I would grow some B@LLS and stand up and fight for my marriage and if that meant me getting on the phone or going to cowife home u better believe I would do it in a New York Second.I would fight for my marriage the way u and your husband are handling all this is just so immature and insane to me like out of this world insane.Anyway u always leave me scratching my head.To me it seems like u are living more a single life and that really needs to change.Also u are saying if u get accepted to some school that u will move like 2 states away I am like WHATTTT.
    I must ask u are u playing around with the idea in your mind of being single and maybe wanting a divorce and not just admitting it to yourself since u do in your heart find your husband not to be of good moral character?It is just a question and it is certainly ok if u do happen to secretly feel that way at least part of the time.I am just curious if this is whats going on in your head.I do feel like u are a really nice woman with high morals which is a very good thing.Whatever is going on in your mind I certainly hope your resolve it so u can move on with your life either with or without your husband.I really do feel sympathetic to your situation although it may not come across in my typing.

  • Gail

    December 19, 2013

    Spirited,
    My husband told me the same exact same thing in the exact same words and then eventually he got bold enough and flat told me to just move on with my life.I will be honest here and tell u that u need to read between the lines in this situation.I really think he is trying to send u a message that he is going to end up picking the second wife.I really think the writing is on the wall here and u have your answer to the question about him telling second wife anything.It is not second wife he is trying to clear as much as it is u my dear I feel.

  • ana

    December 19, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace To All!

    It’s a bright sunny day today where I am on the planet Happy in the sun

    I’ve got to venture out and do some things. Insha Allah, I’ll be back here soon. Have a wonderful day or night, whichever it is where you are on the planet. Peace!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    December 19, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,
    To Starved, thank you for providing more insight. It is not unusual for a man who is addicted to porn to believe he has a high sex drive. It is also common for him to desire the women who look like the women in the porn he watches. If his wife does not look like the women in the porn, she is not desirable to him. The anticipation and excitement of having sex with a new woman can also be a turn on for a man – he is preparing himself for his new sex partner who he believes will be better than his present wife.

    So it sounds like there are two major problems, overweight/health issues and pornography. There is a support group for Muslim men to help with their addiction to pornography. I’ll try to find the info and email it to Ana and she can share it on the blog. My husband is a family counselor and he has said that in more than 50% of couples who have marriage problems of a sexual nature the husband has a pornography addiction. Like other addictions, addicts take a long time to admit they have the addiction. Unfortunately, this is a world-wide problem, it is not just limited to the United States. Many young men have grown up in a world where pornography is everywhere, even when you are not looking for it. They often do not understand how pornography can affect them in a negative way in the way that they view women, the female body, their wives and sex. The society does not teach self-control, instead it teaches do what makes you feel good regardless of the consequences for you and those whom are close to you.

    Try counseling again, In shaa’Allah. Make tahajjud and ask Allah to allow your husband to admit that he has problems that he needs to solve to keep his marriage and his deen intact and proper. This will take a great deal of patience and may not be easy, but Allah is the source of our ease. If you love and care for your husband, continue to be supportive. Are there elder Muslims in your family or your husband’s family or community who can do the counseling? He needs some older Muslim men who can advise him, he probably doesn’t just want to listen to you.

    In conclusion, if his issues are what you stated, marrying another woman will not solve them. He will just have more responsibilities and have to try to keep two wives happy. A man who cannot keep one wife happy cannot keep two wives happy. Also, 21 is a young age to support two wives and two sets of children that may be born, even if you all decide to live together in the same house.

    In conclusion, if your husband does not work on his issues, you probably will continue to be miserable. No one deserves to be miserable, not you, not your husband, not anyone.

    May Allah forgive us all for our mistakes and grant us the wisdom and courage to say and do what is right according to the way of life He has chosen for us, Islaam.

  • KA126

    December 19, 2013

    Well,

    I just found out why my husband has been distant from my CoCo and why he wanted me to take that job in Delaware….. She’s pregnant.

    Please make duas that I make the right decisions. It hurts that he told me that he didn’t want anymore children…. I guess the real statement is he didn’t want any with me….

    Alhumdulillah

  • Starved

    December 19, 2013

    Ummof4… we are both muslim we got married at 19 and have been married for about 2 years now… we have tried counseling he is over weight and has medical reasons why he is fatigued. He also uses porn which as we know when a person uses haram means to satisy a desir Allah swt will cause the halal to be not as satisfying.
    I tried to be supportive, allow him to tak the lead, ask what I can do to makw things better etc. I tried my hardest not to allow it to become a problem as he did have that passion when he was not tired before. Even though it wasn’t as much as I wanted as ana says I know he is not a machine so I made do with what passion I got but I did let it be known that I did desire him more than that. He sayz there’s no problem with it and denies porn addiction. ..
    Up until he mentioned a second wife we were good… he is a good, very good husband in all other aspects I never want to lose him an I pray I never do. Its all in the hands of Allah. Can a second wfe help us? Maybe. He was eager when he met with her and approached me all the tkme but that killed my heart. Maybe its the solution I’ve ben praying for?

  • Kim

    December 19, 2013

    Oh, one more thing….I had to run because my bus was pulling up to my stop lol…anyways, a line of song lyric that really resonates with me and has since I first heard it…..”every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”

    Very deep and thought provoking, if you really think about it.

  • Kim

    December 19, 2013

    Asalaam aleikum All,

    @Ana thanks for the kind words of support happy it really is a relief getting this all underway, but I’d be lying if I told you there is no sadness….the end of things isn’t easy especially a marrriage, dysfunctional as it got by the end. Too, one cannot hide a divorce as easily as a polygamous marriage and there are and will be people who knew nothing about N asking questions about what went wrong. Ugh. And this was my third marriage to fail. I really don’t think I am cut out for wifehood lol….but I am okay with that now. I don’t worry about if I can find another husband, I’ve had my fill, at least for quite some time.

    @Starved, I wish I knew what to tell you. In my marriage it was me with low libido…my husband wanted it constantly, it seemed to me. He married another and that wife wore him out…and of course my desire returned because I was not about to let that woman out-do me in any way lolol.once they split up though it was back to dormant. We also had some other big problems which spilled over into our sex life though. Now he is getting back with the co, so I guess we’re all getting what we need. In your case his wanting a second because of his high sex drive seems very suspect to me. I don’t get it, given your situation.

    @Ummof4….a Heathen is one who practices and earth based religion, like a Pagan. Many are polyamorous.

    Gotta run, love and blessings!

  • Spirited

    December 19, 2013

    Salaam ladies

    A quick message in regards to starved, writing from my phone with its autocorrect is a nightmare laughing

    Welcome to the blog, I hope the advice here helps you! As usual, Ana & ummof4 take charge with excellent thoughts! Mash’Allah happy I have have something to add, and please don’t be offended, this is simply another possibility that jumped out at me when I read what you had written about your situation.

    You say after only a week, intimacy sloped way down. I wonder, could it be that your husband is already married & didn’t tell you? Perhaps after that first week of fun, the guilt set in & he’s having these issues due to that? Could he be bringing up a second wife as a way to reveal his other wife to you? If you are looking at every possibility, this is simply another & again, I don’t mean to insult you or him. happy ofcourse like dear ummof4 says, its best to speak openly to him & see what happens.

    Barring that as a possible issue, you could always just take advantage of nocturnal penile tumescence (“morning wood”winking. winking [imagine sinister laughter here] Or as my husband says, being raped by his wife in his sleep laughing I mean hey, why pass up a great opportunity right? Plus, he loves being woken up like that, yours might as well. Many times, my husband is the one who sneakily wakes me & pretends he’s asleep so I can “rape” him laughing

    Ok! Just thought I should jot those thoughts down for you, good luck with putting the suggestions & great advice given by the others to action happy Remember someone is always here for you, I hope we can help. happy

  • ummof4

    December 19, 2013

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Hurt and Confused, most of the time when men say they want another wife it is part of their religion. You state that your husband is a heather, I assume that means he doesn’t follow a particular religion. Since he has known the other woman before you and they have a very deep, intimate relationship, I do not believe that he will let her go, even if he has told you he would.

    The woman is living in the house with you. That explains why you have witnessed their physical affection. However, before they can marry, she has to divorce her present husband.

    My advice is you do what you can to get her out of your home. Then you and your husband can decide what you want to do without her being there all the time. You may decide to stay with him or you may decide to leave him. He may decide to stay with you; he may decide to leave you, or he may decide that he will wait for her divorce and be married to both of you.

    When he says he wants to marry her, does it mean that he wants to provide for her or just have sex with her? Does he provide for you? How does he treat you?

    Think long and hard and talk with your husband. I don’t know your religious beliefs, but Allah, the Creator and Master of all that exists, is your Lord as well as mine. Call on Him and ask Him for guidance and strength. You can dial direct, you don’t need an intercessor to call on Allah.

  • ummof4

    December 19, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Starved, I agree with what Ana said and the reasons your husband may not want to have sex with you. However, I do have something to add. You never mentioned that you and your husband talked about his reasons for not wanting to have sex with you. Initiate this conversation and tell him how you feel rejected, hurt and starved. Let him know that you are considering leaving your marriage. Let him know that you are willing to work with him through his problems, you are there for him. If you truly want to work on your marriage, consider marriage counseling.

    Often when men have sexual performance problems, they have a physical condition that is causing it- low testosterone, depression, side effects of medication, etc. Does any of this fit your husband? He may be having issues with you sexually and feel that you are the problem when you are not. He may feel that another woman will turn him on and make him perform better, but if he has a physical or mental condition that is causing his low sex drive, it doesn’t matter what woman he is with, he won’t be able to perform.

    Aside from your lack of sexual intimacy, how is the rest of your marriage? Does he provide for you, is he kind and caring, does he fulfill his duties to Allah if you are Muslim?

    I just read your last post. It really sounds like he has a physical or mental condition that is preventing him from fulfilling your sexual needs if it started a week after you married. How long have you been married? How old is your husband and how old are you?

  • ummof4

    December 19, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Sumaika, I am glad to hear you are feeling better. We are here for you when you need us. May Allah bless you with the peace you seek. This journey in life is not always easy, but it can be quite exciting. Enjoy!

  • Starved

    December 19, 2013

    @Ana I get what you’re saying, but it has been this way since a week after we married. The week we married he was waking me up in the middle of the night, bugging me all the time for it to the point I thought I’d fall asleep during the act. After that week, it sloped and has been that way ever since. He still does want it, but wont allow me to do the things to initiate it, ie. he gets frustrated if I kiss him because it makes him want sex… It just doesn’t make sense to me. Sometimes I think I’d rather him just hurry up and get a second wife so I could see what it’s like and if he improves, then I wouldn’t have to play the waiting game and could decide whether to walk or not.

  • ana

    December 19, 2013

    Remember, when you chase something it runs from you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 19, 2013

    Starved, welcome to the 411.

    I’ll give you some of my thoughts about your situation, and perhaps others will chime in and share theirs. We have to remember that men are not machines. Based on what I know from what I’ve read or heard or have seen in movies, men are not all alike. Some have a strong sex drive, and would probably do anyone, female and maybe male too. Some have low libidos and they don’t bother women much for sex. If married, they may wait for the wife to put the moves on them. Some men can only make love with women they love. An example of it would be a man who is married, falls in love with another woman, and doesn’t want to have sexual relations with his wife any longer. He usually seeks a divorce as he only wants to be with his new love. Men vary the same as women do.

    When it comes to polygamy, some women complain about the time division or finances. Some complain about intimacy. The division of time and the finance problems could be more easily resolved than one of intimacy. If a man is not physically attracted to his wife, and can’t perform, he should not be blamed for it. He has no control over it. He can’t make himself perform, if he’s not feeling it. In a case such as it, the wife would be well within her right to seek a divorce. Maybe the other wife is hogging up all the sex. Well, she’s not forcing it on him or maybe she is. One thing is for sure, he’s liking it.

    In polygamous marriages, there will be times when a husband will be exhausted. It’s a given. Again, he is no machine. They’ve got a lot on their plates. I know the feeling from when I was out in the workforce. I used to not be willing and ready to sex my husband up, as I was too exhausted from having worked all day, come home, clean the kitchen after Alex cooked, shower/bathe, and watch some TV/video. I was ready to go to sleep. Now, I don’t work. He does and not only does he work and drive to and from work a total of 2 and 1/2 hours a day, he has two families and a house his mother left him when she passed away that he has to maintain and deal with renters. I expect there will be times when Alex will be out like a light before I get in bed, as I’m a night owl. Halloween Owl I’m good with it, as I know I have two more days/nights to get it (He and I are on a three nights schedule). He asks me to wake him up so we could have what I refer to as an “encounter”. It’s difficult for me to bring myself to wake him up, as I know I would have his head, if he did it to me. As I had mentioned before, I usually don’t sleep steady until after Fajr (a.m.) prayer until 11:00/11:30ish a.m. I am no happy camper to be awaken during that time by a phone call or anything else.

    Starved, getting back to you and your predicament, I will be frank with you. Sometimes he may just be really tired or has found himself in a rut. Perhaps something is weighing heavily on his mind, such as his job. This too shall pass. It is where patience and perseverance comes into play on your part. Maybe you’ll have to get yourself an instrument. I don’t know whether it’s Islamically correct or not. I don’t indulge in such a thing, so I haven’t investigated it.

    Maybe he has a low libido. My older sister’s husband has one. She has to tell him, for instance, “We will have sex tonight.” It freaks me out to know this. I have heard her tell him this. It’s just low libido. Some men have it.

    Now this one may hurt; it could be that he is “just not into you” any longer, which means there is nothing you could do that will get a rise out of him sad . In a case such as it, you either suck it up and deal with it or walk. You can’t force him to want you. It’s beyond his control. If you think it will cause, infidelity on your part, then it’s best you walk and, Insha Allah, Allah will give you another husband. Allah knows best what type of baggage he’ll be carrying. You best believe; he will have some.

    You said he has mentioned that he wants another wife and the reason he gives is that he has “a high desire for sex”, but you’re willing to give it to him and he is not accepting it .” Well, that to me would say “he is just is not into you” any longer. You don’t do it for him, if he’s not jumping your bones and he has “a high desire for sex.”

    Now, another thing it could be is that you are not being truthful with yourself. Only you would know this. Maybe all of a sudden you planted in your mind that you want a lot of sex, thinking it would deter him from taking another wife. He could sense that you are attempting to manipulate him and it turns him off to you. He, therefore, rejects you. He knows he’s being played. It’s either that or “he’s just not into you” or he needs some Viagra to jump start his engine. Maybe you’re too much for him; he thinks you’re way oversexed, which is not sexy to him and he wants what he thinks in “normal”. He wants to pursue and conquer. He wants to be the big dog that chases the cat. He’s a “he man.”

    Ultimately, it’s on you. Deal with it with hope or prayer that it would get better or put those boots or shoes on and start walking… polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • starved

    December 18, 2013

    Okay so basically my post was that I am quite literally starved by my husband.. there is always some excuse as to why he doesn’t want sex. Sometimes they are legitimate like he is tired from work which is fine, but he always postpones it until later and then he gets tired and says no tomorrow etc. Sometimes I spend the entire week in suspense for intimacy with him as he constantly delays it no matter what I do, I dress up, I ask for it directly, I try to get it subtly etc. But I still can’t get it on a regular basis except for maybe once a week. I hate feeling like I’m nagging him for sex which has at least on some level really affected our relationship.

    Then he came with the idea of getting a second wife and his excuse is naturally that he has “a high desire for sex”. I asked for a divorce because I am not protected from my own desires and it’s not fair to ask me to let him have a second wife when the reason he wants her is the exact thing he refuses me. He asked for me to stay and promised me things will get better and he will try more… but my self esteem is ruined, he tells me all the time I am beautiful and that he wants me.. I don’t want to leave him because my marriage is beautiful except for the fact that we don’t have sex as much as I want to and even though he has given up the idea of a second wife (for now) it has killed me inside that while I go to bed rejected each night he has the desire for other women and not me.

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    Sumaika, As Salaamu Alaikum I just pulled your post from this a.m out of spam. I don’t know why it went there. Sorry for the delay in posting it. It’s good to hear you are doing better. Alhumdulliah! This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • sumaika

    December 18, 2013

    I feel so much better after reading all the advice given by my sisters. Sister Ana my husband did say he wants to disappear for a while if all our fighting doesn’t come to an end. I’m going to be a better wife and in Sha Allah will read tawwuz whenever thoughts of him and her come to my mind. I realise I need to be gratefull to Allah in every situation and I need to stop complaining too. We all human but with all your encouragement and advice I will make an effort to be a better and more understanding and compromising wife in Sha Allah

  • Lynnette

    December 18, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and peace to all:

    I’m checking in for comments, and wanting you all to know I miss you. Got work to do! In Shaa Allah, I’ll be back soon!

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    Utah’s polygamy ban was found to be unconstitutional. One of our fellow commentators U235sentinel recently sent us links to articles. I am having trouble embedding the video. Below is the link to the video:

    http://fox13now.com/2013/12/13/federal-judge-strikes-down-parts-of-utah-polygamy-statute/

    http://legalinsurrection.com/2013/12/utah-federal-judge-strikes-down-key-part-of-anti-polygamy-law/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All happy

    Alhumdulliah, Alex and I have another day and night together. He took off work again. It’s a beautiful sunny day out. happy

    Kim, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for writing the saying for us. I’m glad you stop in when you can. I’ve missed you.

    I truly believe you are definitely doing the right thing for you. You’ve been through a lot and you’ve given your all and all. You’ve given to the marriage all you’ve got. You should feel good about yourself. You inspired me with the way you handled things, which is why we gave you the best polygamist marriage award.

    I think what happened is “N” was deceived from the beginning. She never signed up for polygamy, but like most, found herself in it. She wasn’t willing to share. Allah knows best what will become of the two of them. I pray the very best for you. I have good feelings you are going to be just fine. You’ve got a lot going for you. Go forward and don’t look back. It was all a good learning experience for you. I think being in polygamous marriages helps make most of us better in many ways. Hope to hear from you soon, Kim. {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    December 18, 2013

    Salaam everyone,

    I have to go pick up a refill on my prescription, but there’s no car to use sad lol my issues are always somethin’ else. Its just me and my sister’s cat at home, its unfortunate, but I noticed that I’m alone a lot. I guess its alright, I can focus on studying. Or flaking. Like today, I kind of feel like doing nothing, and yet, test day approaches. laughing

    @Ana, hey thanks for always being around for me (and everyone else) I appreciate it more than you lot could ever know. For the exam, the minimum I’m aiming for is a 24. When I started studying, I did a practice test and got a 19 (that was without studying), so, hopefully when I start the practice tests next month before Test day, I’ll be able to get at least the 24 I would need — of course I’m shooting for as high as possible winking

    Let’s see, well its probably not a particularly healthy attitude to have towards a husband laughing But you know, when you’re raised in a way that you have to keep yourself “pure” and are told that you can only share yourself with your husband and how that’s a special connection and you have “virginity checks” and accusations if you’re seen even talking to a male classmate and all around you, people are engaged in relationships…you kind of develop a certain expectation of other Muslims to at least have the same decency you do; the same values and the same hold on Allah’s rope, plus you know, Islam expects us to be morally upright in that regard as well. I don’t even fantasize about other men, & I (erroneously) expected the same from my husband, someone who was raised in a Muslim nation. I was always thinking I would be deficient in Islam compared to someone who was born & raised in an actual Muslim country! You can imagine my shock and disappointment. Not to mention, the natural disgust you would feel at knowing your spouse has been sleeping with someone else at the same time as you, something that was supposed to be sacred & special between just the two of you, infront of Allah. So, in my fractured heart & mind, him being impure and dirty is a defense mechanism so I don’t feel pain about it. He can go screw prostitutes and I wouldn’t care anymore — he’s no longer pure anyways (to me). That doesn’t mean I love him any less, but I certainly don’t respect him very much (but I’m not ever rude to him or anything like that, don’t get me wrong). That’s the long & short of it, as best as I can explain myself. happy

    No, there isn’t any schedule, he comes home whenever he can. Otherwise, he sleeps at one of my parents’ houses in one room on a floor that’s not rented out (just being used for storage). Since he only needs a place to sleep & do assignments, and its close to his school & job, it works out for him, without having to pay rent, no less (and these are the same people he wanted to “punish” by having his affair, moron). Home, here, is about 1 hour away from that house, and that house is about 30 mins away from where he needs to be. When he comes home here and he has to go in the next day, because of traffic the 1 hr commute can end up being 3. So, I just try not to be pushy about him always coming, and if I can, I make the trip over to the other house myself to spend the night. He spends almost every weekend with his kid (all 24 hrs of every weekend day vs. maybe 5 hours when he’s with me rolling eyes ) they live in another state, its about 4 – 5 hr trip. Yes I’ve already discussed this time imbalance, but all I hear is “my baby might forget me, and she could turn my baby against me” (even with daily skype with the kid…riiiiight). But fine, like I said to Sumaika — bring it up a few times and move on. I do my part, I don’t have anything to be concerned with. Oh plus, if I get accepted to my first choice school — INSHA’ALLAH — I’ll have to move a few states away so I won’t be seeing him very much anyhow, so it’s good practice! laughing

    I have one specific question I wanted to ask him, but it wasn’t about the “December deadline” thing — I haven’t even focused on that because I’ve got so much other stuff on my mind (study, study, study). The question I want to ask him was that on the day we got the test results from his doctor and the doctor said they would re-test in 6 months, my husband said there was something he wanted to tell me, but he’d tell me after the re-test in 6 months. I left it alone for the time because I was just happy it wasn’t cancer, even though “inconclusive” isn’t exactly an “all-clear.” But now I’m thinking, whatever it is, he can tell me now just as easily as in 6 months, so I aim to figure that out. I’m sure its got to do with him thinking he’s dying and who I should re-marry. He’s been saying that I would get along well with so-and-so and if he’s going to die, I should start letting these people know I’m available because he doesn’t want me to be a spinster and I should be happy. I’ve said before that he’s being ridiculous (and apparently his 2nd wife says he same) rolling eyes I swear this eye-rolling face is the best thing ever, lol! I’ll let you guys know whatever it is if I can get it out of him.

    Ok, I should go do Salat, then back to the books. My arch nemesis, math, in the guise of physics, awaits to be defeated (hopefully) big grin

  • Kim

    December 18, 2013

    Asalaam aleikum and a very good morning to all,

    Ana, it’s “au’thuu billahi minna shaitaneer ra’him” as near as I can figure lol….

    That was my mantra for a long, long time. I spoke and wrote and thought and prayed it continuously. And while I still do, it’s not in a desperate, pleading way anymore. Those days are over alhamdulillah.

    Over the weekend M and I signed a joint petition for divorce and I took it in and filed yesterday. Because we were only married less than 8 years and don’t have kids together or jointly owned marital property amounting to much money, the process will be very easy and fast.

    I think N is really putting the pressure on M….he was very anxious to get a copy of the petition and proof of it being filed; I provided that. He visibly relaxed and we had a nice quiet evening watching the River Monsters marathon on Animal Planet til I retired for the night. I noticed he stepped out a couple of times, I am sure to call N and let her know the filing was done.

    Funny how peaceful this all is….I am really happy for him and her should their relationship succeed. Insha Allah it will.

    Am on the bus headed to work and on my phone….will comment on everything else later if I get a chance….much love and blessings sisters!

  • hurt and confused

    December 18, 2013

    No I am not muslim. Polygamy is not something i was raised around nor knew much about. My husband this past year started watching Sister Wives and now tells me that he has always believed there is 2 women for each man on earth. He is not muslim either he is heathen. I don’t believe this. I feel there is one man for each woman and vise versa. She is a friend but she is really his best friend. They have been friends since before we were together. She had the opportunity to be with him in a relationship before I came along and she walked away from it. Now she is married herself and regrets not being with my husband. She tells me she feels guilty for loving another womans husband but says she can’t help it and cant walk away. I saw a message my husband sent her saying he can’t walk away either. I feel that if i tell him i cant live with the pain that this causes me he would stop because it is what he told me but will resent me and our marriage will die anyway. I feel i am stuck in a lose/lose situation. I cry everyday. But i don’t let him see. we have a blended family of 3 kids. I feel he would stay with me because of them and not because of a strong want to be with me. i see the love, attention, and affections that i want so much. but they are not aimed at me. i watch them laugh and joke and talk and i feel like an outsider. she is staying in our home and when i had first offered it would be until her and her husband could afford a place of their own. the day she moves in he tells me she is permanent but that her husband would be moving out. our home is small. it doesn’t feel much like home anymore. i don’t know what to do to solve this and still have my marriage be a rich one.

  • ummof4

    December 18, 2013

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Hurt and Confused, I can comment I need to know if you are Muslim or not. Please let us know.

    Sumaika, my advice is the same as others here on the blog. You need to stop fighting and complaining about time. Even though your time is not the same as your co-wife’s now, it may change in the future, In shaa’Allah. Calm down and enjoy the 3 days a month your husband. Let your children see a peaceful marriage. It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress; your arguing is just adding to it, it’s not making it any better. It may be difficult to control your jealousy and feelings of hurt and pain, but you must do it for your situation to change.

    Be pleasant and loving when you talk to your husband on the phone or computer, however you communicate with him. Smile, even though it may be difficult. After you do this for a while, you will find your heart is more at ease. Believe me, it takes two to argue, so if you stop, so will your husband.

    If your husband’s employment is not close to you, he will not be able to come home to you more often. If he does, he will not be able to do his business properly and have the finances to take care of his family. You decided to be a second wife to a man who had a wife, children and business in another country. Life changes and we have to live with the changes and make the best of them. Otherwise, we leave marriages and have to start over again. You sound as if you want to stay married, then stay married. It sounds as if your husband loves both of his wives, so appreciate that fact.

    Make du’ah that Allah softens your heart and gives you a calm character. Make du’ah that Allah increases your husband’s business so he can afford to come home to you more often. He is already spending a great deal of money traveling from country to country. But no one is going to want to come home to fighting and arguing.

    Make du’ah that your husband’s other wife finds peace and calm in her heart as well. Think about it, this is a woman whose husband was away from home for 4 years on business. Upon his return, she finds out that he has another wife and children that he loves! Imagine the hurt and pain that she feels; it’s probably much more than you are going through. This doesn’t mean that your feelings are not important, just that your husband is dealing with both of you. Maybe he made a bad decision by marrying you, staying with you for 4 years and not telling his other wife. Okay, but that’s history now, you all have to live for the present and the future, In shaa’Allah.

    Love Allah more, love Allah more, love Allah more. Increase your acts of worship, making rakat sunnah, giving sadaqa (charity), fasting, reading more Qur’aan, learn a new surah, make sure your children are learning Islaam in the best way possible. This will help to calm your heart and also keep you so busy that your mind will not focus so much on your husband being away from you.

    May Allah improve the condition of all of us. May Allah forgive us all our minor sins and keep us away from the major sins.

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    @Starved,

    I apologize for making a wrong assumption. I kindly ask you to rewrite the post. I didn’t keep it. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I reread the advice sis Spirited gave you, which I think is really good. Your husband seems to be treating you well. The major issue I see you have is that you’re not close enough to his workplace to see him more often or he’s in India with his other family. It’s very difficult, I’d imagine, when there is such a distance between couples.

    Sumaika, I had the problem you did when my husband first became polygamous. The problem was that I was constantly thinking of her and him or just her. It’s not a problem for me anymore. I know the thoughts are enough to drive one crazy.

    The way I overcame it was to seek refuge in Allah. He tells us that when a thought from Satan assails our minds we are to seek refuge in Him. I know how to say it in Arabic, but can’t begin to write it phonetically. You may already know the saying. If you don’t know the Arabic, simply say it in English – “I seek refuge in Allah from Satan the accursed.” You have to form a habit of doing it.

    You mustn’t let your mind dwell on the thoughts. You mustn’t entertain the thoughts. As soon as they come to mind you have to squash them. Remember Allah. Allah swt tells us that remembrance of Him is the greatest thing in life without a doubt. No one can help rid you of those thoughts, but Allah swt. When you turn to him sincerely and don’t despair, you’ll see you’ll have the thoughts no more. Occasionally a thought may appear, but you just have to squash it the way Allah swt tells us to. You have to learn to control the thought waves of your mind. You can’t let thoughts of your husband or his other or the two of them set up shop in your head. It takes time and a lot of practice. It takes patience and perseverance.

    We’re here for you whenever you want to talk or if you have anymore questions. Your husband doesn’t sound like a bad guy. You sound like a good sister. You have to stop fighting with him. Stop talking to him about her etc. He says he tired of fighting. I could imagine it’s hell on earth for him to fight with you and her. It’s draining. My husband went through it in the beginning stages of him becoming polygamous. He left for a year on business and before he left he said he could not come back to what he left, dealing with her and me.

    My home now is peaceful and tranquil for him and me. We may have a small dispute from time to time, but it rare, very rare. It all comes with accepting Allah’s decisions. If you’re a person who think man as in mankind has control over their lives, it’s not going to be easy for you to reach the state of contentment, as you’ll always blame someone for what’s happening to you. I believe Allah controls everything and I have a duty to submit my will to Allah, so I have no will. It doesn’t mean that I or anyone else is not accountable for what we each do, think or say. I believe we are accountable. I believe we have to take action when Allah tells us to act in certain situations. I believe we have to do what He instructs and commands us to do. It is where reading Quran regularly with sincerity comes in so we know what Allah expects of us and what we are to believe, so we have the proper belief. We can’t rely on someone to tell us. If we read Quran with sincerity to learn it and live by it and for no other reason, Allah swt gives us understanding of it. If we read for other reasons, Allah places a veil between us and the Quran so we don’t understand it.

    Insha Allah, what I’ve said will be helpful to you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • starved

    December 18, 2013

    It was a legitimate comment I am struggling so much with this.

  • sumaika

    December 18, 2013

    Slms hope everyone is doing good. Jakallah to the sisters who have given me advice. How does one take ones mind of the husband ? Alhamdulillah I read my salah and make zikr too. The zikr gives me inner peace but then I find my mind wandering and thinking of him again. Sister Ana I realise that my husband is just the means and I should be thankful to Allah that he has still kept my husband with me. And that Allah is providing for me through him. In Sha Allah I will try my best to change my ways of fighting.request for duas in Sha Allah

  • ana

    December 18, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    Every now and again we get comments from someone new and the comments smell fishy to me. I get the feeling that someone wants to play games and jerk us around. No one has time for it. I just trash the comments and keep it movin. If it was a legitimate comment, what can I say i dont know We win some and lose some.

    Fatima and Maureen, Animated Hi

    Good to hear from you, always happy

    Thanks for popping in, Maureen. I pray all is well with you and your family and you’re still a happy, proud mommy.

    Fatima, I was thinking of you today. It happens often; as soon as I think of someone, wonder where they are, and begin to miss them, they reappear. I’d think I had some magical powers, if I’d loss touch with reality laughing

    I’ve been thinking of Lynnett and Laila, as well. Hello you two, if you’re out there. Insha Allah, all is good with the two of you and you’ll stop in soon to say hi.

    Spirited,

    I’m glad you’re staying in touch with us and keep inputting. I like reading your views on things. I pray all goes well for you with the exam and you nail it. happy

    I’m a bit concerned about you and your attitude towards your husband. Do you think it’s healthy to think of him in terms of being “dirty” or “unclean” – I think it’s how you worded it? I can’t understand how you would want to view him that way and stay married to him. i dont know Does he have a schedule of any kind with regard to you or does he just stop in for visits when the mood hits him or he could sneak away from his other? I was just wondering. You said you have some questions for him. Is one of them whether he intends to tell his other about you any day now? We are in December.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Maureen

    December 18, 2013

    (Sorry I Hit the submitt-botton accidently sad)

    Dear Ladies,
    Just stealing a moment ‘n popping in quickly for a short note.
    Thank you to you all beautiful Ladies for your posts ‘n kind ‘n loving words. They mean a lot to me.

    @Marie,
    Congratulations on your son. May Allah bless him ‘n make the 1st weeks easy for you, Dear Sister.

    ((Hugs))
    M

  • Maureen

    December 18, 2013

    Dear Ladies,
    Just stealing a moment ‘n popping in f

  • ~Fatima~

    December 18, 2013

    Dropping in to say hello.. Its been really hectic with work for this time of year. I have been going non stop that one day just rolls right into the other. Half the time I dont even know what day it is.
    Habib had to tell me this morning to just stay in bed thathe wouldopen tbe store.

    I said no way. Too much to do.haha.. but that was sweet of him.
    He surprised me big time today with an ipad air and the zagg backlit keyboard ive been wanting.
    Tomorrows my birthday,an he surprised me with the ipad air today. happy
    In january hes taking me to malaysia ,my favorite place to go..

    I am still trying to catch up on here with everyones posts.
    I will drop back in later after i have caught up.
    Hope everyone is doing well..
    Going to bed now..( yawn)

  • Spirited

    December 17, 2013

    Salaam everyone, hopefully all are doing well happy

    @Rasha, of course, no disrespect is implied or is seen from anyone happy I think that the way your husband is handling the situation (or at least, how you say he has spoken with you) seems just insensitive and kind of “I’m doing what I want, deal with it.” I personally dislike that kind of attitude because it’s all giggles and fun with a new woman for the man (at first anyway) but the wife has to deal with so much heartache and make huge adjustments. At the very least, the man could be sensitive about it.

    But you say you’ve gone through polygamy before, so Insha’Allah, you’ll be a-ok with another go around. And again, don’t blame yourself for what others do (unless you directly did something i.e. you slap someone first and they hit you back, obviously it would be your fault there laughing ). Ana & Ummof4 have given you some superbly excellent advice with everything you asked on the whole. Big thumbs up ladies, as usual! big grin

    @KA126, hey babe, good to hear from you again. Looking forward to your thoughts on the topic. Its amazing and uplifting to hear that not only you, but those around you are being positively affected and getting closer to Allah, Mash’Allah, that’s so awesome! I hope the same will happen for me & the husband as well.

    @Ana, the saying you mentioned about those men unfair in marriages being lopsided is a hadith, said to have been told by the Prophet (PBUH) regarding mens’ treatment of their wives. As always, he was the best example to follow of Islam in practice, and this possible paralysis of half the body on Judgement Day by Allah could have been another incentive for men to be better with their multiple wives.

    Happy that you were able to spend the snow day with your husband big grin Snow days are always fun!

    @Sumaika, welcome to the blog big grin I hope you will be able to find solace and comfort here. The idea I got by reading your story is that you already know what you should be doing happy You were a secret, but now everyone knows, so that’s already cleared up. Your husband says he loves you, he’s even stood up for you. You do dua for his 1st wife, that’s all great happy So the only major problem is that you bring up his other wife, or do comparisons. If he is being unfair about something in a major way, its important to bring it up, but — this is my own opinion here — if you bring it up twice, maybe 3 times and he still doesn’t change it and instead is arguing over it with you (like the days issue), then maybe it should just be left alone. In that sort of case, leave the matter in Allah’s hands and concentrate on something more important — such as becoming closer to Allah or focusing on your kids. That’s my opinion on the matter, it might be that like your husband says, if you focus less on him and his other wife, and just concentrate on you, things would be smoother. He may have many different kinds of stress to deal with — as you said, recently there’s been trouble in the business and money is tight, so he probably just can’t deal with too much right now. (of course I don’t know the actual situation, and I’m just guessing). Well, it does sound like you’ve gone through the hard “beginning phases” of a polygamous marriage and now you’re in the phase where everyone has to iron things out and get into the swing of things happy Personally, from how I understand it, you seem to have a good attitude about this.

    @Gail, so happy to hear from you again! Cancer is really hard for the person affected and the family too. My maternal grandmother passed away from brain cancer and it was just…I can’t find the right words for it sad. Towards the end, my mom and uncle decided to keep her sedated because she was in less pain that way and they would take turns sitting with her and reciting Quran. Since it was in Pakistan, the Athan was always being heard as well. They said she had a peaceful expression when she finally passed on.

    Yea, the way your in-laws treated you was horrible, but its not just Pakistanis who would do such a thing. You can find the same thing happening in any nationality that wants to get into a certain country. I personally know of Mexicans, Cubans, and even a Russian who did preeeeetty much the same as what your in-laws supported — except without the polygamy and with also stealing all the money and assets of the poor citizen (or as much as they could before vanishing with their new citizenship). You can find immoral people everywhere. I’m of the opinion that the immoral people outnumber people with morals these days, and its only getting worse. Double standards and selfishness comes with the kind of territory that the world is headed towards. The good people in it, like yourself and the ladies here, need to stick to their guns and not get dragged down with the rest of the garbage out there winking Plus, you’re a tough cookie, so don’t let what your in-laws expect or want you to do affect you. You’re pleasant in your interactions, so just stick to it and do what you need to do!

    @hurt and confused, welcome to the blog happy Hmmm, by saying you don’t believe in polygamist marriages, I wonder if you’re not Muslim? Unless you just mean that you don’t believe it can work out? You need to clarify that a little. As to him being affectionate with this woman infront of you, I am assuming he is Muslim and if so, 1. he shouldn’t be kissing her at all unless he’s married to her & 2. he should have enough manners and common sense NOT to be doing this infront of you. If you’ve already told him to knock it off and he doesn’t, then like Ana suggested, remove yourself from the area so you don’t give him the satisfaction of disturbing you happy

    I can understand exactly what you mean by not wanting to upset your husband with something that could just be seen as selfish. But the thing is, he’s the one putting this option out there — he’s the one who offered to drop the polygamy issue if you can’t handle it, so — my opinion — but I don’t think you should feel guilty about stating your feelings. If he loves her or not, that’s not your problem. You need to be concerned with yourself, him and God (if you’re a God-fearing person). This would be the best way to handle jealousy if he goes through with polygamy and you stay with him. Its not easy at all, but you have to focus on God and yourself and not think about what he’s doing with her. If you feel that you can’t handle being in polygamy and would want to divorce, then it wouldn’t matter if you put your foot down and take his offer (that he’ll end it with her) and if he decides to leave you — it would be the same result anyway. I hope that helps in some way. Please write in again with some more information so everyone can help you more.

    Ugh, I’m so sleepy. I’ve been sleepy since about an hour ago laughing I can’t believe it took me almost an hour to write! lol. Well, there’s not too much going on, in my end. I have a question in the back of my mind that I want to ask my husband, just waiting until he can stop by at home again. I’d just go over to the other house, but I don’t have time to waste on the drive aaaaaaand my car is a rear wheel drive and in the snow/ice, that’s just asking for trouble laughing Enjoying the snow otherwise — though it’s pretty dangerous out there. It was snow, then a layer of ice (it was really very shiny and pretty out there the other night, like shiny glass!) then more snow today, with some more ice topping it off and supposed to be a bit more snow in the morning, lol. I’m definitely not getting my car out there for a while (I mean literally, it won’t even get out of the parking space due to the snow-ice around it laughing ). My husband has a 4-wheel drive vehicle, its definitely worth it for this kind of weather I tell ya. Ok, I’m gonna head off to zzz, talk to you gals tomorrow!

  • KA126

    December 17, 2013

    Ana Wa alaikum As salaam,

    I do not take any offense. I am who I am. :? I suppose everyone comes to the blog and expresses their grief or anger differently. As we are all women, it is hard to not have something “rub us the wrong way”, ha ha ha. In sha Allah, your patience with me will earn you barakas…. in sha Allah.

    For some here, it is the marriage to a kaffar… in my case, my CoCo is a Muslim from a Muslim country and I believe my high expectations of her following the Deen and being dissapointed bothered me. I now know that a person with bad character and bad intentions is a lot of trouble, Muslim or not, and I stay clear…. way clear of her. Lately, so does my husband, even when I am away for weeks on business.

    For some here, it is having “the legal license”…. in my case I could care less. Been there and still suffering from that “piece of paper”. Subhana Allah I’ve never had so much trouble getting rid of a man, lol… (Long story and not on topic, lol)

    Focusing on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala is the one and only refuge…and the only way to survive any relationship. Be careful of your “friends” because they could want your husband and be careful of his “friends”. Many come into your life with bad intentions….. stay in Salah, listen to Allah Subhana wa ta’ala, pay attention to his guidance. May we all be neighbors in Jannah! Ameen!!!!

  • ana

    December 17, 2013

    hurt and confused, welcome to the 411 happy

    Firstly, I don’t know whether you’re Muslim or not. It helps me to know this before I give advice. If he wants your best friend to be his second wife, it means they are not married yet. So, why are they kissing? You said she is your best friend. It doesn’t sound as though she is. A best friend doesn’t want to see her friend hurt. Did you tell her that it hurts you for him to display his affection to her in front of you? It’s not something you really needed to say to her. She should know without it being spoken. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate the nature of your association with this so called best friend of yours. You best believe that if he does marry her, things will get worse. You may lose your best friend all together, not that it would be a great loss.

    Common sense would tell your husband not to display affection to her in front of you. Perhaps he derives some type of pleasure from having you watch such acts. Allah knows best. I don’t get it; you said he stated he would end it if you can’t handle it. Ask him to end the display of affection. Do he know what he’s doing? He is a married man kissing another woman who is not his wife. It is way serious. It’s no joke. Instead of you expecting him and her to stop the inappropriate behavior, you could make it your intent not to be around them when they are together. It’s the best I could suggest.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    December 17, 2013

    Sumaika, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    The first thing you need to do is stop trying to be a better wife to your husband, and begin trying to be a better servant to Allah. By being a better servant to Allah all those negative characteristic will leave you. It’s what we’ve been talking about a lot on this blog. Our life on this planet should be about Allah, not about a husband or a wife or children. There is a lot of misleading information out there that is encouraging women and men to focus their attention on marriage and on women to serve their husband. None of it brings them closer to Allah and Allah is the only ONE who can help us. We cannot bring any good or harm to ourselves unless Allah wills it.

    Allah didn’t put us on this planet to get our desires fulfilled. He created us to serve Him. Yet, no one seems to know it or care.

    You show your ingratitude to Allah by arguing and fighting with your husband. Allah has provided for you through him. You’re not supposed to worship and praise your husband for what Allah has given you by way of him. You are supposed to worship and praise Allah for it all. You have to turn your attention to Allah and learn what He expects of you and begin having the proper belief about Allah.

    Yes your husband has another wife and he loves her. It not sensible to get angry with your husband because he loves his other wife. You want him to love you, right? Allah put the love in the hearts of people. People don’t put it there. So, why get angry with your husband for something he has no control over? You have a husband; he spends time with you; he provides for you with what Allah swt has given him; he hasn’t divorced you the way his family has wanted him to. Where is your gratitude to Allah swt for it all? You knew he had a wife when you married him. We can’t always have things our way. We don’t always get what we want. We have to learn to accept Allah’s decisions. It’s what you have to work on too. We all do. Me too.

    Getting angry and upset with your husband will bring no good to you or your marriage. If you want to change and want good in your life, you’ve got to stop focusing on your husband and everything else and turn all of your attention to Allah. Once you do it, you will become a better wife. You and your husband will be able to live in a state of peace and tranquility, if you both put your faith and trust in Allah and begin to serve and worship Him the way He instructs us to. Did you read the main post above, entitled, “Love Allah more?”

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • hurt and confused

    December 17, 2013

    My husband has told me that he wants to have a polygamist marriage and he wants his best friend as his 2nd wife. This hurts me because I have been his only woman for the last 6 years. I don’t believe in polygamist marriages but i want him to be happy. This is hurting me and killing me and i feel so jealous when he kisses her. He is romantic with her in front of me even when i have told him this hurts me. How do i overcome this? how do i keep my marriage? I know i will never be able to accept this without hurting but how can i tell him? he has said if i can’t handle it then he would end it with her but i know he loves her and i feel he will resent me for this and it would end our marriage anyway. am i just stuck?

  • ana

    December 17, 2013

    Gail,

    I can hear in your writing excitement and the positive energy you have. It’s nice not to have to depend on anyone other than God to give us what we need or want. We have to thank God much for it and everything – the good and what we perceived as bad – that got us where we are.

    I’m hopeful all would turn out well for you with your real estate venture. Having your own interests should take your mind off all the drama that’s happening with your husband’s family or maybe I should say your family too in Pakistan. I’ve always been weird when it comes to claiming my husband’s family as mine. Instead of saying my mother-in-law, I’d say Alex’s mom or I’d say Alex’s niece happy His mom always referred to me as her daughter-in-law when speaking to others about me and his niece calls me Aunt Ana. I’ve never been really big on family even when I was non-Muslim. Now, every now and again, I hook up with my immediate family for something, usually once or twice a year. This year (2013) it was our trip together to Vegas and the upcoming birthday party for my twin siblings on Sat. It’s kind of how it goes for me, besides meeting up with them when an immediate family member passes.

    So, you’re walking the treadmill, Gail. Good for you! I know you’ll feel way better about yourself by adding some physical exercises to your day. It should help boost your confidence and self-esteem, as well, besides the health benefits. We can’t forget that it retards the aging process, too.

    Regarding your question, “I have a question is it bad that I want to focus on myself and less on husband and what he is doing?” I think it’s good if you’re doing it to get closer to God. Your question isn’t an easy one to answer. Make friends and have a fun filled life i dont know I don’t know what you mean. Go out partying, meeting men and that type of friend and fun? Some friends and fun can get you in trouble. Maybe you should try going out with your husband to meet people and have some fun in socializing together with others. I think you should include him. You have to be careful. All that glitters is not gold.

    I hope what I’ve said is of some help to you. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2013

    Ana,
    I am not Muslim but my life is changing so much.I am in process to start buying properties this season.Yesterday I had a light bulb go off and my real estate venture I feel is going to be very good.I love that I am changing and becoming independent.I really desire to not just be happy but be amazinglyyy excited and Happy about my life.I am not there yet and I am struggling but I feel like one by one yolks are falling off of me.I have started walking 30 minutes a day on my treadmill.Trying to be more physically active also.
    I have a question is it bad that I want to focus on myself and less on husband and what he is doing?For some reason I just want to get out make friends and live a fun filled life.I honestly do not know if my husband will be able to handle the new me but I am so excited about my future.

  • Gail

    December 17, 2013

    I hope everyone is doing well.I did not log in yesterday and now I am trying to play catch up on reading everyones post.

    Ana,
    I also like the Idea of a meet and greet at some point.It seems to me that alot of us here on the blog have become really interested in each others lives and been a real source of encouragement to each other.

    Jenny,
    It makes me really sad and angry to here about the Spanish woman.You said she is being forced to work to support another woman because of her Pakistani Husband.If she is living Polygamy maybe she could join the blog so everyone could encourage her and give her emotional support.I will pray for her that G.d may give her the courage to stand up and be brave.

    Spirited,
    I am really very happy to here that your husband does not have cancer.Cancer runs in my family and it is such a dreaded thing so again very happy to know he is ok.
    Ok I will tell u straight how I feel about Pakistani people in general.I feel like they are the exact same as your American Christians basically.What I mean by this is Sunday is Church/G.D day but the rest of the week is all about ME and my wants and wishes and demands.
    I will give u an example my own inlaws allowed my husband to marry me and keep his first wife secret from me so he could get a USA GreenCard from me.I have to forever live with that knowledge that entire family scammed me.Keep in your mind it was not 1 year or 2 years or even 3 years but a total of 9 years.So to say that Pakistani Parents go along with the flow would be a huge understatement as far as I feel.I will even go as far as to say that they so much acted like PIGS that they had zero respect for me and allowed my husbands first wife and family near me and talk about me nasty in front of other people and laugh at me without fear because I did not know Punjabi.I will be honest I do not for the life of me even understand or acknowledge why my husband even bothers to stay with me to be honest.He claims he loves me but I don’t believe in such nonsense anymore to be frank.Maybe he stays for the kids because we have a system put together but to say he has some undying love for me I highly doubt it to be frank although he claims he does.I try not to give it much thought anymore to be honest simply because it is such a waste of time on my part.He did what he did I understand what he did and he has confessed most if not all the dirty details to me.
    You want to here something insane or at least what I feel is insane.My inlaws are actually upset and unforgiving with my husbands first wife and her parents because they kicked my sister inlaw off.It was all good when there son took me as a second wife and just left their daughter on the side for a decade without so much as any money or calling her and one by one taking her kids from her but when their daughter was done crappy they can’t forgive understand?
    It is a very double standard and insane if u ask me.Oh and to top it all off my inlaws can not forgive the way their daughter was treated but yet my husband wants me to forgive my inlaws for what they did to me.I feel like that is such a huge insult to me.What makes them so special they can not forgive but I should.I am not G.D or a Saint that I have that much willpower in me to do such a noble act at this point in my life.

  • ana

    December 17, 2013

    KA126, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I liked reading how much you’ve progressed, and have grown closer to Allah swt. It’s amazing that I see a difference in people from the first time they began to write here until the present. I used to not like you very much at first. I thought you were overbearing and too demanding when it came to your co. You rubbed me the wrong way. I hope you don’t take offense. I now see you as a warm, kind, and caring person. I have since come to love you as my sister-in-faith. You and Laila have done some amazing transitioning. It’s what it’s all about, growth, growing closer to Allah swt, and becoming better persons.

    I see it in myself. I see growth. With growth comes growing pain. I recognize the negative feelings and thoughts that crop up in me from time to time, and know there is more ill in my heart that I need to treat. We have to mend our hearts by way of the Quran. Allah say it (the Quran) is healing.

    In one Ayah Allah swt says, “O mankind! there hath come to you a direction from your Lord and a healing for the (diseases) in your hearts – and for those who believe, a guidance and a Mercy.” Quran Surah 10, Ayah 57

    Throughout the Quran Allah swt lets us know that the Quran was sent down to us as a guide, instruction and a mercy. Only Believers will get it (understand) it and embrace it.

    In one such Ayah, Allah says, “Here is a plain statement to men, a guidance and instruction to those who fear Allah.” Quran: 3, Ayah 138.

    We need to remember Allah, in the Quran, directs some Ayat to mankind, some to Muslims, and some to Believers. He relates what was said to individual Prophets when they were living and what happened to the people. We are to use those stories to mend our lives by (we are to travel throught the earth by reading the stories and see the fate of those who were here before us.) The people living at the time a Prophet was alive were commanded to obey those Prophets. When a Prophet passed away, he left a Book (Gospel; Torah; Quran for example). Those of us living today cannot obey the Prophets because they are dead. However, they left their Books; the ones I referred to above. Now we have the last Book, the Quran, which is free of corruption and tampering. It includes what was in the previous Books (Gospel, Torah, for example). What was obsolete or unnecessary was left out the Quran. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) lived the Quran. It is said his favorite wife when he was polygamous, said he (PBUH) was the “walking Quran.”

    Anyhow, you’re doing so well. Not all tests are easy. About yourself you said,”I found myself getting stronger in my Deen. I found myself striving more and more to obey Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. I found my marriage getting stronger, even through my Coco’s antics. I also discovered a love for all righteous people around me, not just my kids and husband grew amazingly. I found myself relying on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to guide me in work, family and even advice to others” You also said, “if you find yourself continuously doing ishtikarah, duas and praying for guidance from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to deal with the marriage, then that is a sign to stay because that is where He Subhana wa ta’ala wants you to be.”

    From what I see and know based on what you’ve stated and my limited, miniscule amount of knowledge is that you have taken the test. We know there are more to come. Allah swt tests us so that we may know where we stand in our faith, and to bring us closer to Him. We should turn to him for help. He said we will be tested like those who came before us. We read their stories in the Quran. We know the first generation of Muslims, during the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) time were tested.

    Some of our tests are not easy. What Believers do is take the test. They do what Allah swt tells them they must do in order to pass. Patience and perseverance is needed. Allah says don’t despair. He is with us. There are many rewards for us in this world and the next, if we pass the test. It’s not for us to think we can decide which test we’re willing to take. Allah gives us the tests that He wants us to take. Some think the test is too difficult; they don’t complete it and they fail. Aishah, here on the blog, touched upon tests when she related to us what she heard at an Islamic lecture.

    Allah swt says, “Did ye think that ye would enter Heaven without Allah testing those of you who fought hard (in His Cause) and remained steadfast? Quran: Surah 3:142

    The stories in the Quran are not for past-time and a good book to read. We are supposed to learn lessons from those stories and learn how to live our lives and conduct our affairs. We are to apply what is in the Quran to our lives. It’s our road map for our journey to Paradise.

    Alex is home with me on a snow day today happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • sumaika

    December 17, 2013

    When his family and friends came to know about me then they all were pressurising my husband to divorce me.they were al ok for the 2 months he didn’t contact me and didn’t come to stay with us. When they came to know that he’s in contact and spending timeand money with us too then they all started again to pressurise him to divorce me. He stood by me and told them he won’t leave me because islamically he has done nothing wrong and I am his wife too.a family elder also stood by him. His india wife had a hard time accepting me and I make dua for her because I know how I would have felt if I was her. She is his first wife and he has kids too with her. I make dua Allah makes it easy for us all. My husband always lied to me regarding his feelings for her during the time he hid me from his family and friends. He says he didn’t want arguments s0 he lied that he doesn’t care for her. I guess he also lied about his feelings for her because I hated the idea that they didn’t know about me. My family know my husband and our marriage from the day we made nikah. He just kept me hidden from his family and friends.my husband says I’m negative so I feel that he loves me less. He says he sacrificed his life and wealth for me but I feel why does he talk about it when we fight if he did it all with love. I need advice please

  • sumaika

    December 17, 2013

    I just want to add that this year when he abandoned us and went away to india then his first wife and family came to know about me and my son. His brother kept phoning and swearing at me to divorce my husband. My husband had a lot of wealth and over the years he lost everything. He and his brother were both running the buisnesses. My husband spent a lot on me and now he makes me hear about the money he use to spend on me when we fight. He says because of me , he and his family is suffering. He use to pay the house rent and for food and clothes after I lost my job. These words always are in my mind. Sometimes I feel walking away would be best but I can’t imagine being without him. Jazakallah

  • sumaika

    December 17, 2013

    I was a secret wife for 5 years.my husband never lived with me full time he use to come 2 to 3 times a week I had a baby too in that time. My husband is married in india. For 4 years he didn’t go to india to spend time with his family. I told him on many occasions to go but he didn’t go. In our 6th year of marriage my husband had some buisness problems and abandoned me and went to india. He didn’t contact me for 2 months I was pregnant 2 months at that time and with all the stress I had a miscarriage. He contacted me after 2 months and alhamdulillah he’s in constant contact with me. He is doing buisness going and coming from south africa to india n he spends 2 weeks a month with them and 3 days with us. This upsets me a lot and we constantly argue about it. He says for 4 years he didn’t spend time with them and gave me all the time. The thing is he never did stay full time with me. I live far from the place wher he does his buisness dealings from so that’s why he only spends 3 days with us. I’m fine with him when he’s here but when he goes to his familythe jealousy eats at me and I fight constantly with him. How can I make myself stronger ? My behaviour makes him say many hurtful things to me. He says I hate his india wife and that I don’t want to share and that I have a dirty heart. Then he keeps saying he will divorce us both because he can’t take all the fighting. She fights when he’s there and makes him hear many things about me. When we argue I always tell him of time and then he starts taking her side, atleast that’s how I feel.he spends on me n tries to make me happy when he’s in india also by keeping in contact many times throughout the day. I love him a lot and he says if I can change my mind a little this polygamy thing will work. He says if I don’t keep making him hear of him preferring her over me then he also won’t say hurtfull things to me. Pls sisters help me. I want to be a better wife and I don’t want to be jealous and I don’t want to fight all the time. May Allah reward u for al your efforts In Sha Allah

  • ana

    December 17, 2013

    sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam happy

    I’m happy to welcome you. I’m delighted you joined us. Insha Allah, write as much as you’d like and as often. We have no restrictions. I look forward to reading you.

    It’s snowing on my part of the planet. Gotta run for now. Insha Allah, will be back soon. Have a wonderful day or night, whichever it is on your part of the planet.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • sumaika

    December 17, 2013

    Slms I’m a second wife. I’m new here. My story is long. Can I write it ? Shukran

  • ummof4

    December 17, 2013

    Rasha,

    If everything you have said is true, my opinion is that you should stay with your husband. As I stated on the previous thread (I believe I replied to you or to another sister whose husband is getting ready to be polygynous), just prepare yourself for what is to come, In shaa’Allah. Your husband is going about it the correct way, he told you in advance so you could prepare. My thought is that since his last marriage was not successful, possibly even a disaster, you have your guard up for the next one. Everyone makes mistakes. Once my husband married a woman and the marriage was pretty much a disaster that was extremely short-lived. We both realized that even though that situation was a disaster, it did not mean that every marriage would be one. He did marry again and it is peaceful and successful so far.

    You say you have been married before and know what bad is like. Now you have good, don’t walk away from it. Sincerely ask Allah for strength and He will give it to you. I am now in my sixties and my husband first became polygynous in our early thirties. Through the years we have been monogamous and polygynous; my children were reared in polygyny. They are sincere Muslims who practice their deen with their spouses and children, not a bunch of maladjusted confused crazy people who hate their parents.

    Even though we were monogamous for a period of years, I knew that my husband might marry another wife at any time. He had told me this and I also know his character. So I’ve always been ready for polygyny mentally, although not always emotionally. This is the best any of us women can do.

    Now for the sex thing. I know you’re young, I believe you said you are thirty. Well I’m in my sixties and sex is still a major part of my marriage. My advice is to concentrate on your own sex life, keep it at its best, or make it better than it’s ever been. Satisfy your husband sexually and make sure he satisfies you as well. The amount of sex may decrease because the time you two spend together may decrease, but it’s up to the two of you to make those times extra special. You will remember each sexual encounter and so will he. When you start to think of him having sex with his other wife, turn your mind instead to the last time that you rocked his world and he rocked your world. Believe me, the thoughts of the two of them getting it on will disappear as you think of your own sexual encounters. You will begin to think that nothing could be better than what the two of you have. Your husband sounds like one of the good guys, so he’s not marrying another wife just for sex. He has other reasons which you don’t have to tell us, but I’m sure you know, since he communicates well with you. But it’s advisable to make sure that health tests are taken for STD’s and other communicable conditions, and the results shared, to protect all of you.

    I believe that if a husband loves Allah more than his wife or wives, then he will do whatever he can to make all of them happy and fulfilled. He will handle all of his responsibilities to the best of his ability. We as women have to give our husbands a chance to be their best. For men who are destined to be polygynous, if we fight against them or the qadr of Allah, we are not helping them to be their best, and we are not trying to be the best ourselves.

    Concerning scheduling, it’s probably best if the schedule is worked out with all three people having input and the husband making the final decision since he is the one who will be going back and forth. I think every other day is very taxing on a man both physically, mentally and emotionally. My suggestion is 3 days, 3 days, and 1 day that alternates. This is why: Each couple will have more bonding time with each other; the likelihood of having glorious sex will increase just in case the husband is tired the first night; the children (if there are any) will spend more quality time with their father. Another reason is if either wife wants to do things like go to school or do a hobby or something else, she will have time to do it without worrying about taking care of her husband’s needs. Of course, emergencies will arise and vacations may take place, so everyone has to be a little flexible. And the husband should make sure he communicates with each wife daily by phone, computer or face to face. Remember the nights belong to the man’s family, not his entire day(If he works nights, then this would reverse). His days are spent working, making salah, making the society a better place to live.

    Allah will guide you to the correct decision. But as the old saying goes, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.” Remember, it’s now about you and your deen, not your husband or the woman he is about to marry. Think of this scenario: You divorce him, he marries her. Now the two of them are happily married. You are single. What have you gained? Believe me, not peace of mind, because now you will be thinking about them getting it on all the time since you will be out of the picture.

    I pray that I have been some help to you. I’m here for you as are the other sisters. The final decision is yours and your husband’s. If you decide to stay married, tell him as soon as possible so you iddah can be cancelled. One last thought; Why not stay married and see how it works out for a little while. Shaytaan has you thinking that it will be a disaster and you will not be able to live with it. How do you know if you haven’t tried? Try it, it might work out fine.

    May Allah increase our love for HIM.

  • ana

    December 16, 2013

    Oh, so no one misunderstand, those who will be raised up blind on the Day of Judgement, it does not refer to their eyes that were blind. They were blind to the truth.

    This is an open house no need to knock just come on in

  • ana

    December 16, 2013

    Rasha,

    I think most of us blame ourselves when our husbands become polygamous. We can’t understand why they’d do it and we think we did something to cause it. We think we were not good enough. Our husbands may blame us, as well, as they know others will expect them to have an explanation for what they did. The husbands may look at the problems that existed in the marriage or something that others would blame us for and use it as a reason. They really needed no reason. When my husband decided to marry another, I overheard him telling people that I don’t cook. He knew I didn’t cook before he married me and he was fine with it. He said he liked cooking. He always did the cooking while we were married. He knew it would win him sympathy if he told others that I didn’t cook and they’d understand why he got another wife. The thing is he didn’t remember that he had told me about his now other who he had been dating before he married me. He had said she was depressed a lot; she didn’t cook for her kids and he had to go to her place and cook for them. After I had heard what he said about me, I made an effort to begin to cook and he refused to let me. He said he like cooking. He continue to cook for us till this very day. We can’t allow them to blame us for them becoming polygamous. They became polygamous because Allah decided it. End of story. Some men come right out and let the wives know the wives did nothing that caused them to become polygamous. They know Allah swt willed it. At least they know something of what Islam is. It’s not submission to our will or some other person’s will. It is submission to Allah’s will. If we submit to Allah’s will, we have no will of our own.

    I was not privy to what the schedule would be. Alex let me know. I had no experience with polygamy, nor knew anyone who did. A time arrived when I was able to focus on what was going on. I came out of a depressed state, I realized his other was manipulating the schedule. She was planning the schedule around her work and it was crazy. She did some serious manipulation of the schedule. She’d also would get angry with him and try to send him home to me and tell him to come back to her when it was my scheduled time to be with him. Alex couldn’t get it together, not because he didn’t want to. He didn’t know how to. I had my wali intervene. My wali made a schedule for her, he and me that is just and fair and rigid. Whether she has to work or not (she works a 24/7 job), so there are times he’s at her home and she’s working. I don’t work, so I see him whenever he is supposed to be with me.

    No, she and I are not friends. She let Alex know before they married that she wants nothing to do with me and she has stayed true to her word. There was a time I tried to be friend her so we could all be as a family, but she rejected me. Alex had tried to bring us together as well, but she refused. I now know without a doubt that it is best. She and I have absolutely nothing in common other than that we are married to the same man (me legally).

    Regarding my age, I haven’t revealed it here. I will say I am not in my 20s or 30s and I am not in my 60s. I have been in this polygamous marriage for seven years. He and I were monogamous for just a little shy of five years.

    I agree with your mother-in-law that your husband may love you more, if you accept him being polygamous. Alex and I now love each other more than we ever have. I began to know and love him for the very first time when he became polygamous. It caused me to wake up and smell the coffee – see what a good husband I have, and not be so overbearing with him with regard to wanting him to practice Islam in a strict way. I just let him be. He had always done the basics anyhow, (5 daily salats, fast, eat halal; we did Hajj together etc). He just didn’t have the enthusiasm about Islam that I have.

    You mustn’t blame yourself for your husband wanting to become polygamous or previously being polygamous. It’s not your fault. There is no blame to be had. Polygamy is a good thing. It is a beautiful thing. It is the people who make it something negative. It was the way of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH)

    People have made polygamy in Islam so complicated. There are very few ayat in the Quran that addresses polygamy. Polygamy is not the big deal that many make it out to be. People have twisted the one ayah that deals with orphans to make people believe men must be just and fair with the wives but can’t and should only marry one. It is not the case. No man knows how he will be with the wives when he marries them. They can’t predict the future. They know how they feel about children though and know whether they can deal fairly with a woman’s children that are not his own. The ayah pertains to orphans. I wrote a post on it. Please see http://polygamy411.com/children-women-justice-and-polygamy/

    Some say the men should only marry older, widowed, divorced or needy women. It is not so. There is an ayah in the Quran that says a man can marry any single woman. Muslims are supposed to only marry Muslims. Muslim who commit adultery or fornication should marry an adulterer or fornicator or an unbeliever. So, Spirited, your husband married the right person. Furthermore, Allah swt selected our mates. We are supposed to be just and fair in all our dealing. Polygamy is nothing special with regard to it. Polygamy is no biggy that many want to make it out to be. You’ll hear talk about the “lopsided” men who engaged in polygamy and weren’t just and fair. It’s mighty strange Allah swt mentioned nothing about such a person appearing “lopsided” on the Day of Judgement and He says He didn’t leave anything out of the Quran that were in the previous books (Gospel, Torah and others) except what was unnecessary. It’s what Allah says. He does speak of people being raise up blind because they were blind in this life. So much for the lopsided people. If it was ever said, it must have been unnecessary. It didn’t make it to the Quran.

    I better run and go spend some time with Alex. Please forgive any errors, as I was typing quite quickly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    December 16, 2013

    As salaamu Alaikum,
    I love the topic of placing Allah Subhana wa ta’ala first. But I see that another topic has started so let me address that first.

    We all understand that Allah Subhana wa ta’ala has made polygny permissible. I don’t think that is the issue. What it does not say is that women HAVE to deal with it. We may get rewarded for having patience with the situation, in sha Allah. But none of us know the ghaib. It is not madatory to stay in a plural marriage. If staying in a plural marriage will take you from your Deen and draw you closer to the dunya filled with sadness and hatred, and a terrible judgement on the day of recompense then it is better for you to go. However, if you find yourself continuously doing ishtikarah, duas and praying for guidance from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to deal with the marriage, then that is a sign to stay because that is where He Subhana wa ta’ala wants you to be.

    That is why I have stayed with my husband… I found myself getting stronger in my Deen. I found myself striving more and more to obey Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. I found my marriage getting stronger, even through my Coco’s antics. I also discovered a love for all righteous people around me, not just my kids and husband grew amazingly. I found myself relying on Allah Subhana wa ta’ala to guide me in work, family and even advice to others.

    @Rasha… look at your actions since you found out…. are you getting closer to your Deen or further away? Allah Subhana wa ta’ala is already showing you.

    @Spirited…. Masha Allah, you are on a roll…. and I like it tongue

    @Ana… I love it when you are being Ana, lol Alhumdulillah!!

  • Rasha

    December 16, 2013

    @Spirited

    My husband is very aware of the ayas of Quran governing polygamy. The issue is me accepting it. I’m not telling him not to do it. I’m jut asking for time to tend to ou relationship but he doesn’t believe that him taking another cool keep us from building us. And I know you don’t mean Amy disrespect but I feel a certain way towards our comments. I love my husband we just not seeing eye to eye. 😉

  • Rasha

    December 16, 2013

    @Ana

    Wow. You just checked me….I think my issue is that I feel like I caused this to happen. I wasn’t as open with my husband not on purpose but this is what I discovered later. He has told me this isn’t the case but I’m having trouble letting it go.
    ? Were you involved in how the arrangments were going to be? Or were you told what the deal was going to be for example the time split? I respect my husband to for being a real practicing Muslim and not choosing me. I know it but part of me feels like he is making himself believe that this need to marry is for right and not more for wrong.
    And you are right that Allah could give me something else for worst and I have no way of knowing. I have given thought to the fact that with him I know what I’m getting. With the next he could be horrible person. And this is my second marriage so I know what bad can be like.

    I don’t want to feel like I’m selling out. And I’m telling myself that I could sale out for Allah. But I don’t know in staying which one I’d be doing.

    How old are you ? And how long hav you been in it? How many years monagamous before the second? And yes you are correct he isn’t doing halal dating. He really is a good man☺

    I just wonder if there is something better out there.
    And I’m hearing EVERYTHING you saying.

    I’ve been through this before but I didnt think it would be happening so soon again. My husband made a huge mistake the first time and corrected his error. And I’m mad at myself for not being more understanding with his openness.

    I just felt like I messed up again….sometimes this feels like I’m being punished for my mistakes in the marriage with not realizing that I wasn’t meeting his needs… I know this sounds crazy.

    Are you friends with your co-wife?
    I was told by my mother in law that we accepting this would make him love me even more. That is so tempting. But like you said what is my dislike for it because its causing a disease in my heart and I don’t want that. That the fear staying or leaving which one will remove the disease. I want to go to Jennah. I don’t want and can’t let this keep me from there.

    I’m truly trying to seek guidance.

  • Spirited

    December 16, 2013

    Salaam all, hey there.

    @Rasha, aah I was just about to hit “submit” and thought “let me check for any new message” and viola there you were. I’m glad to see that you’ve written in again!

    In regards to focusing more on God — I think you should be able to do it whether you stay in your marriage or leave your marriage. Your relationship with Allah has nothing to do with your husband or with marriage. I know, it’s easy to say, not so easy to do. But maybe you’ve noticed with other things in life, if you leave it in Allah’s hands, don’t obsess about it & focus on pleasing Him, then events seem to work themselves out. It could be even the smallest stuff happy.

    You’re absolutely correct. Polygamy is a “right” not a requirement (I always think of it as being an allowance to mens’ inability to control themselves because obviously Allah knows how they are winking ). The way your husband speaks sounds like he’s quite ill-informed. Just one of those “oh the Quran gives me this RIGHT! lolz” rolling eyes Does he even know the verses in the Quran where its spoken of? Does he know the conditions? Does he know that the Quran states that if the man is unable to fulfill his obligations & be just, he should only have one wife? Multiple wives aren’t just for fun and games, there are requirements that the man is supposed to fulfill, and if he doesn’t, he can be sure Allah will deal with him when the time comes. He should also know that Islamic polygamy isn’t “lawful adultery” because that’s what it sounds like he’s doing prancing around so far. rolling eyes (I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that face).

    And to the last point you brought up, how to be able to bare the sex point, I think this is something every woman in polygamy has to sort out for herself. For me, I ended up thinking of it in a bit of an odd way, but it works out for me — a matter of how I felt he and I were pure together, but now he’s dirtied himself with a non-Muslim and even if he divorces her, or even if he got a 3rd wife, it wouldn’t matter because he’s always going to be impure (in my mind) so I just try not to think about it.
    You could think of it like how so many “normal” monogamous marriages have the husband cheating on the side in secret and the wife never knows (or maybe she does but ignores it). 95% of the time, its gonna happen anyway, Islam makes it halal because Allah knows men are animals, so you just have to try to ignore the thoughts of him doing whatever with his other wife (wives). I guess the best thing to do is work on your relationship with Allah or remember Allah when thoughts of your husband being with his other wife pop up in your head. That also helped me along with my own crazy ideas. You could also distract yourself with things you like, that’s always good, right? Does any of that help? Hmmm, maybe I’m just in a low tolerance mood tonight, I think I sound a little mean towards men laughing

    About the topic, its kind of funny to think that if most men remembered Allah in every act like women are expected to, 99% of the problems people talk about on this blog wouldn’t occur (in my opinion). What you’ve written in the topic is pretty straight-forward, and I doubt anyone would find anything confusing there. Its a good reminder, and I like your way of “testing yourself” to see if you’re doing whatever you are doing for Allah. I know for myself, I often don’t say “Bismillah” when starting to eat (I remember afterwards laughing ) and things like that (there are so very many recommended short prayers — like before entering the bathroom, before sleeping, for getting dressed, etc..). It can be a bit hard in the bustle of daily stuff to keep certain things in mind, but your way of at least remembering Allah doesn’t sound too hard.

    I might be already starting to veer off topic here, but in keeping with remembering Allah, I have a friend on Facebook who is kind of a Muslim activist I guess you could call her. She often writes about or makes personal documentaries of, or links stories regarding Muslim issues. One thing today was about a case in California of a Muslim man who murdered members of his Hindu “girlfriend”‘s family since she dumped him because Muslims are “beggars and servants” and he was clearly beneath her according to her & her parents. Yet, this idiot Muslim man (from Bangladesh — for once its not a Pakistani moron) was desperate to have his kaffir and decided to kill those who spoke against him to get her back. The news story was about how the jury found him guilty and recommended the death penalty. Had this imbecile kept Allah in the front of his mind instead of thinking with his nether regions, he most likely would have avoided all this and not dragged Muslims through the mud some more. As expected, many non-Muslims are very happy at the death sentence recommendation, spewing some pretty nasty hate filled bile. All this because of a lack of morals, lack of religion, and mostly — lack of Allah in the heart & mind of yet another “modern” Muslim man. Its utterly pathetic.

    Something else that this friend had recently brought up — which is totally off topic, but it really angers me — she wrote a bit about something we discussed here before — the virginity issue. It ended up being an interesting conversation, with people giving first-hand confirmations about things I’d heard of, but always thought weren’t true. So we all know how Muslim men can just screw around & fornicate all they like and still claim to be virgins. Apparently women can do it pretty easily now too. Although these things were considered to be lifesavers for anyone who was raped or just didn’t have a hymen naturally (it happens) to save “honor,” more women are using them to cover up sinning instead. There’s an older method of a sort of dissolving fake blood pill, but now with Hymenoplasty, plastic surgeons can “repair the hymen as if nothing occurred.” Skillful ones can even guarantee blood innervation so you would bleed just like the guy would expect. It’s at most a 45 minute outpatient procedure (no hospital stay) and affordable at about $4,000 or so. It sounds great for people who legitimately need it, but it was just distressing to read about Muslim women using it as an excuse to happily go off and have pre-marital sex all they like. In a way, I think the “modern” Muslim men actually deserve this happening to them laughing.

    By the way, I keep saying “modern” Muslim men because that’s what many of them say. They say that Muslims need to “get with the times” and stop being “old fashioned.” They seem to forget that Islam is for all time, not just for a few years after the Quran was revealed. Imbeciles… Ugh, sorry for the bit of ranting, but I had to get that off my chest. These things just make me so angry. If Muslims (especially the men) bothered to actually BE Muslim, the state of the Ummah would be so much better (in my opinion). And, as far as I see it, many of us wouldn’t even be dealing with the kinds of things we are. Yea….I definitely went hardcore on men in my post laughing I think I’m too tired, lol.

    Well, time to get back to the books, I still have an hour to hammer away at ‘em. Talk to you ladies tomorrow. Hopefully I said some thoughtful (or helpful?) things! Prayers for you all, as always. <3

  • ana

    December 16, 2013

    Rasha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam happy

    I’m glad you like the topic. I thought it would be good to explore the topic further. You ask some very good, thought provoking questions.

    About whether leaving your husband would allow you to focus on Allah swt more, I think there is a another question that you should ask yourself – what is inside you that is preventing you from accepting polygamy, something that Allah swt has permitted for men? If you leave the marriage, what is in your heart that prevents you from accepting polygamy will still be there. Whatever is preventing you from accepting that your husband wants to live a polygamous life is not a good thing. There is some disease in your heart that is preventing it. Allah swt tells us that we cannot enter Paradise with a diseased heart. So, what will it take to cure the ill that exists in you? Remaining in the marriage would give you an opportunity to work on the problem.

    Allah swt could give you another opportunity to work on it. We don’t know what Allah has planned for you. He could give you another husband and the husband may one day say he wants another wife too. He may make you a second wife. There are other things He may do, as well. He may allow you to be alone for the rest of your life, without a husband. He could give you an unhappy monogamous marriage, maybe a husband who beats the living sh!t out of you. He could give you an alcoholic husband, or one who gambles all his money away, or a drug addict husband. Muslim men aren’t exempt from these types of diseases. You know what you have now and you know you love him and he loves you. Allah could give you a happy monogamous marriage, and you’ll have the good of this life, but may lose the Hereafter, if your heart is still diseased. i dont know Allah knows best!!! Another thing to consider is that Allah swt does not reward the rebellious. You know that from the Ayah cited in the post. Allah swt tells us we must accept the whole Quran in order to enter Paradise. We don’t get to pick and choose what we like and don’t like from it.

    I admire that your husband says he will not choose you over a right that Allah swt has given men. He is a real strong man not to pick you over Allah swt – his creator.

    You said that both of you are desire driven. Well, in order for a man to want to have more than one wife, the desire must exist within him. It is a desire he is allowed to have, as he is allowed more than one wife.

    You stated having more than one wife is a right and not a mandate. True, but Allah does permit it for men. No where in the Quran does Allah swt state that a wife must approve of her husband becoming polygamous. Yes, a man can be monogamous or polygamous. Your husband has expressed a desire to engage in polygamy. It is what he wants to do. Allah swt placed that desire in your husband. If your husband becomes polygamous it is only because Allah swt decreed it for your husband. Do you think you have a right to interfere in Allah’s decision?

    I understand your fear that your husband may marry and divorce again and again. I mentioned it to you previously, but I think you said it’s not like that for your husband. If I correctly remember what you said, you stated, he’s doesn’t approach it as halal dating. No one can predict the future. You just have to go with it and see what transpires.

    What you speak of regarding intimacy is common. I think we women all think that way initially about polygamy when we’ve grown up not wanting to share a man, when we’ve grown up with the fairy tale version of what love is. I went through it, but got over it. I don’t care much now. I do get a bit turned off the first night my husband comes back from being with her, thinking he may have done her the night before or that morning. I let my husband take the lead, as he knows I dislike going behind her. If he approaches me, I have an idea he didn’t do her. If he goes to sleep the first night, I feel good, as I can enjoy him the next two nights. It all works out. Eventually, I may not care at all. Some people alternate nights in their polygamous marriages, so there is a guarantee they will go behind each other at times – many times, probably.

    Don’t worry yourself. What will be will be. You’ll either get back together during your iddaat or not. Allah has already determined how it will go. Go with it. It’s all you can do.

    I know women, Muslim and non-Muslim, who left their husbands because they didn’t want to share a husband or they didn’t want to be married, or they simply couldn’t work things out. Most of them loved their husband. Maybe some didn’t. One thing they have in common, they are all alone, wanting companions. Some I know, love their husbands and threw them away. sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    December 16, 2013

    Salaams All
    This is a perfect new topic and definitely my biggest concern. I have been constantly thinking bout what my husband is doing that I find myself not thinking about Allah as much. I not sure if leaving my husband would allow me to focus more on Allah. Or maybe staying would make me focus on Allah more. I don’t know what to do. My husband is a good man and he tries to practice this deen. Of course he isn’t perfect but no one is. I kind of feel bad wanting to leave him because he is contemplating polygamy again.

    I ask Allah that he gives me what is bets for me and what brings me closer to Him. I’m currently in iddah. My husband says that he is not going to choose me over a a right that was granted to him by Allah. I don’t expect him to however I just wanted him to focus on us without added stress. I can’t convince him of this. And because I can’t he and I have agreed to part. Sad thing is we have so much more love in us and between us.

    Both of us of set in our positions. Both I feel our personal desires. Having more than one wife is a right but not a mandate. Being the only wife is a right as well. I don’t have to stay if I dont want to.

    I’m afraid of how many more times he will marry and divorce. I have a serious issue with the sexual component of sharing my husband and having him share that person with me. Even though we all take showers, it’s still very difficult for me to ignore the feelings that I suffer with being sexual with the same man as another woman.

    I don’t want to leave my husband but I feel driven to do so. I want to be with him but I currently feel like I can’t…..My mind won’t let me get pass the past……

    I wish I could get a fax from Allah telling me whether I should stay or go……

  • ana

    December 16, 2013

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,
    peace

    We are at the start of a new thread. For those who wish to continue to read the previous thread or would like to refresh their memories of what they read there, the previous thread was http://polygamy411.com/can-he-be-just-and-fair-between-his-wives/

    I thank Allah swt much for each and every one of you who have joined us here, and have become a member of our blog family. Alhumdulliah (All praise is due to Allah).

    polygamy 411

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.