Veelwijverij 411

u235sentinel
December 31st, 2009 op 2:40 PM

Happy Holidays and a wish that all will continue to improve for you and your family in 2010!!

Home
January 1st, 2010 op 3:36 PM

Salaam Dr. Omar,

You indicated your wife Ainah is in the process of finalizing plans for you to wed a third wife. There’s a possibility that in the future I may have to assist Alex in selecting a wife to replace Carolinah. What is the process? How is it done? Alex asked me and I don’t really know. I said I think they must be chaperoned when he meets with the prospective wife. Alex said he thinks it’s OK for him to meet her alone before he makes the decision. Would you kindly let us know what you think the correct way of selecting an additional wife for the family is based on your experience.

Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.

omar Zaid, m.d.
January 1st, 2010 op 7:05 PM

Home<

How is it done? The answer is “honestly” … there is nothing wrong with Alex initiating contact, but meetings without chaperones is definitely a ‘no no’ … but this doesn’t mean you, Home, are the chaperone, although you could be.

In het verleden, Ainah has accompanied me on a first and subsequent meetings. Echter, there are no rules in this matter except for honesty. Zaida and I were married privately while Ainah was away having a baby and staying with her mother.

“How could you do such a thing?” is the common response when people hear about this. And my answer is I did it honestly, without hesitation, and without any thought for what “people” in general think, including Ainah’s family ("WE" just didn’t tell them because their mindset is too simple, dogmatic, legalistic, and just plain far from the sunnah.

Voor mij,as the husband and according to my purposes and goals for the marriages, as long as both women agreed to the conditions and were willing to live together in peace and were aware of each other and submit to my authority as my wife(time and distance at the time prevented their actual meeting), I just went ahead.

Here I would say Ana that you should not think in terms of taking a leading role. Let time, circumstance, and what appears to be ‘chance’ decide what must be done. De, key is making doa and letting Allah lead, and yes, most likely there will be ‘false alarms’ as Satan tests the waters with ladies who are not compatible.

You and Alex must have many conversations about this and should come to terms with each other and with Allah jointly in the process. In other words, you must define what the reasons are for your marriage and for his taking another wife.

There are four which are permitted. As his sister in Islam and closest companion in his personal jihad, you have the right to make certain of both his motivations and yours in order to keep each other honest in the eyes of Allah. Most men ignore this aspect of their accountability to their wives and simply go about their merry chauvinist business, but that’s a big mistake because taqua cannot be perfected without marriage as marriage is half the deen.

This all has to do with the inherent differences between men and women being compatible and therefore compensatory and complementary.

The definition process begins with redefining your own marriage, so I suggest you put the brakes on the wife acquisition process until you both are satisfied with the redefinition and purpose of your own marriage.

If there is any rule, this is absolutely essential for each marriage: answer the questions: WHY did he Marry Me? And Why did I marry Him? The answers have different levels and degrees of significance, and these sometimes unfold only with time, faithfulness and patient examination (communication).

AS FOR ALI’S QUERY:

Salaam Bro. Ali: Hmmmm ….. this is a serious question.

Firstly I am not aware of their entire situation from beginning to now, I just jumped in as it were.

Toch, the mistakes many women make are first of all those of breaking the Shari’ah and allowing themselves to be courted without chaperone. In other words’ (dating) which is forbidden in Islam.

Correspond, call each other, meet in public with caperone, etc. enz., but never meet alone alone.

In de tweede plaats, providing the woman’s family have retained their ‘common sense’ and have not gone off the deep end of religious reason by ‘arranging marriages’ or ‘selling her’; or ‘discounting her objections’ to any match they might propose; she should seek the approval of her parents and closest companions in her choice.

Thirdly: do not become involved with any ‘maverick’. By this I mean it is dangerous for a woman (young or old) to invest her heart in a man who has no ‘Boss’. Every good husband holds himself accountable to men who are older, wiser, stronger, and in positions of greater authority than himself. Dus, before getting serious about any man, she must enquire as to his family and relations with his parents, and his work and relations with his boss, and his companions at the Masjid.

Otherwise she places herself at great risk because the unaccountable man will have no one to fear (including Allah) and will do as he pleases once he has her under his roof, and she will have no one to turn to for assistance should she need it, and no one to intimidate him and thus hold him accountable … especially if their marriage removes her away from her own family.

There are many other facets to this and other cautions Bro. Ali, but these are the most important that come to mind at the moment.

Women must remember that when they fall in love, especially younger ladies, they are, in a sense, "losing their minds" or powers of reason. This is why Islam builds safeguards around her chastity, in order to preserve it and hence her from both difficult life circumstances as well as the fire.

When we cannot think logically because hormones and desire overtake us, Islam steps in with the rules of engagement. Any man worth marrying will follow these rules and be satisfied as long as they have not been made unreasonable by deviant innovations, such as unreasonable dowries and expensive weddings, etc, enz..

Remember dear Muslim parents and brides to be: The Prophet said: “the best Marriage is the one that costs the least.”

Think about this statement very carefully and then return to taqua.

Wasalaam, dr omar

omar Zaid, m.d.
January 1st, 2010 op 9:40 PM

Wonderful Ana,

You must ask the questions:

“How can “our Marriage” serve the cause of Allah?” en

“What brought us together besides sexual attraction?”

“How do we complement each other and how does this serve the community.”

“What does Allah want from us as man and wife?”

“What is our role together in the community?”

Marriage is not just a “prive-” matter … it is the essence of the community’s success and therefore also the Nation’s. Every marriage has a specific role to play in the community that is part of the glue that holds the community together and guides it generically and specifically towards Jannah or hell, depending on people’s position, accountability and attention to their professed Islam; i. whether or not they are card carrying Muslims or heart carrying muslims. There is a big difference, and the difference is the fire of hell.

Dus … how is it your marriage is avoiding these fires and therefore also helping the community avoid Hell and attend to the deeds of Jannah.

Everything is Akhira ;;;; there is no duality here ,,,, it is one continuum …. life and earth and life in the Herafter is a conitinuum, and Marriage is central to success.

Therefore ask and discuss the questions until you are both satisfied with the answers, and then apply yourselves with a whole heart and iman towards the answers and the success they will bring.

If you cannot ask these questions sincerely and together desire an answer, then most likely your marriage is a gonadal bump rather than a Divine Guidance.

Make or Break is the essence…. no time to waste …

Get on with it. Insh’Allah.

Wasalaam dr omar

omar Zaid, m.d.
January 2nd, 2010 op 10:35 AM

Salaam Naimah,

Alahamduillah. It is good to know such people as you and your husband and co-wives are sharing and experiencing the same knowledge and wisdom as I and my wives, and that we have come upon the very same path and intelligence independently. May Allah be praised in all of your deeds.

My deepest regards to your husband. May Allah increase your right hand.

wasalaam dr omar

Meer
09 januari, 2010 op 1:36 PM

As salaamu alaykum.

I want to tell two stories that may give hope as well as some rejuvenation as you move forward with polygany.

A friend of mine had a husband who drank heavily, was irresponsible, and resorted to physical violence at times. There were clear reasons to divorce him. She proceeded to seek a divorce and near the end of the proceedings, her husband went for Umrah with his family, turned a whole new page in his life and became the good and striving husband she had prayed for.

Another friend met her husband abroad and married him knowing nothing about Islam. They were Muslim in name mainly, not really practicing anything seriously. Echter, as she started learning about Islam, she passed all her discoveries on to her husband. They grew in faith together and just a few years later were a beautiful example of a practicing Muslim couple. They recently passed the 25 years of marriage mark, ma shaa Allah.

Sometimes I have wondered to myself about the statement in the Quran, “Is there any reward for good than good?” I wondered if something starting out wrongly could ever end up right. Then I think of these cases, and many others like them, and know that everything is for a reason. Situations may start out wrongly, but the events that ensue are to teach those involved what was wrong and make them WANT to come to the right way.

Do you think Alex would have shown any inclination towards Islamic growth if he hadn’t been through all this and seen what Islam has done for you? It has brought you to a whole new level of acceptance and strength. It has given you a sense of peace and clarity that nothing worldly can.

Do you think you would have ever looked at your own self and actions so critically if this whole situation didn’t exist? Would you have moved closer to Allah, subhaana wa taala, and comprehended clearly how empty life is without Islam as the guiding light and marital “glue”?

I know I said it before, but this is a gift for you Ana. A most beautiful opportunity for da’awah and to change lives. Not just one life, but perhaps 3 of 4 – Alex, Carolina, yourself, and perhaps another wife. All I can say is, don’t be afraid because there is never a wrong thing that happens when you put all your trust in Allah and set your priorities as He has Ordained.

Many of your readers (and I am not a complete exception) would like to see you ultimately leave Alex. Echter, albeit that is the easy way, it is not the way that will reap the most reward or achieve the most improvement spiritually. Patiently persevering to see the fruition of Allah’s Decree is always worth the effort. Most certainly, if all of this turns Alex’s heart to true emaan and taqwa, you will have racked up some serious Jennah points in-shaa-Allah.

Make dua’ like never before, Home. Lay it all out there and lay yourself open to Allah’s most Perfect and Beautiful Plan.

Love, hugs, and a ocean of optimism!