Scheduling Probleem herhalingsbezoeken Mijn polygaam huwelijk
door Ann op mei.04, 2009, tijdens mijn verhaal van vandaag
Ja. U hoort het goed. De planning probleem in mijn polygaam huwelijk heeft revisited mij. Hoe in de wereld gebeurde dat?Ik dacht niet in een miljoen jaar zou Alex, Carolinah, en ik ben zo terug waar we waren, ruzie over de planning, ruzie over de dagen. Een schema is een simpel ding om erachter te komen en samen te stellen ... Rechts?Je zou zo denken.
Ik zal proberen om dit zo kort mogelijk, sinds we over scheduling problemen hier vrij vaak voor. Ik ben een beetje beschaamd om het te presenteren aan u opnieuw. Ik overwoog niet te doen, maar jullie allemaal zijn geweest met mij al die tijd, reis met mij, dus ik voel je moet met mij ook op deze.
De laatste keer dat we spraken over het tijdschema, Ik heb u dat het was afgerond voor de rest van het jaar 2009. Om samen te vatten, Alex dacht Carolinah het gevolg was van meer vakantiedagen,maar ik dacht niet dat ze was. Toch, kreeg ze vier dagen. Het schema is een beetje veranderd sinds ik laatst schreef. Alex zal met mij tijdens de kerst en Nieuws jaar, hoewel we niet vieren. Carolinah moet niet veel zorg, als ze moet werken vakantie. Ze heeft dat soort werk. Dus, het schema compleet is voor de rest van het jaar.
Alex is gepland om een verblijf in een vakantiehuis beginnen met Carolinah morgen gedurende elf dagen (zeven dagen plus de vier dagen dat ik make-up bovengenoemde). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, Ik opeens kreeg een openbaring dat de vier dagen dat Alex had Carolinah gegeven niet te wijten waren haar helemaal. Een licht kwam op in mijn hoofd en werd het allemaal levendig voor mij duidelijk. Ik bracht hem onder de aandacht van Alex en toegelicht. Dit dreef hem gek natuurlijk. Hij haat het omgaan met plannen kwesties. Hij ging op en over hoe de planning was al voorbereid op de rest van het jaar. Ik raadde hem dat ik niet wens hem het schema te wijzigen of de dagen vanaf Carolinah. Ik raadde hem dat ik alleen wilde worden gecompenseerd voor de dagen, gegeven vier dagen en, whether this year or next.
Dat gesprek vond plaats op donderdag (Thanksgiving Day). Gisteren, Zaterdag, Ik vond het bewijs dat Carolinah niet verschuldigd was die vier dagen. Ik vond het schema dat Alex had voorbereid met make-up alle Carolinah's dagen en vakantiedagen. Ik e-mailde het aan hem. Dat is wanneer de chaos begon. Alex en ik mailde terug en weer het grootste deel van de dag. Alex vraagt me hoe ik berekend; toen ze de dagen, en wat voor soort dagen waren ze etc, etc, enz.… Hij stond erop dat ze niet krijgen haar dagen. Hij kreeg de oude manier waarop we gebruikt om de planning te doen (tot mijn wali tussengekomen) verward met hoe we het doen van de planning sinds juni 2009. Gebaseerd op de oude manier van doen, dat is de periode in kwestie,al haar dagen waren goed voor. Alex, op een punt, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
Ik e-mailde Alex een aantal keer tijdens de avond en in de vroege ochtenduren met mijn bewijs dat Carolinah verschuldigd was geen dagen. Ik heb geprobeerd om het zo duidelijk en zo eenvoudig als ik kon. In feite, Ik ben net klaar te e-mailen hem vlak voordat ik begon te schrijven dit bericht, om te zien of hij was gekomen tot een conclusie. Hij heeft geen e-mail me terug. Ik belde hem op zijn mobiele telefoon; evenwel, Hij gaf geen antwoord. Hij is te wijten gauw naar huis, dus ik moet kijken wat de afloop van het verhaal.
Ik ben erg verontrust door wat er heeft plaatsgevonden, omdat ik weet Carolinah was zich terdege bewust dat zij niet te wijten was aan die dagen dat ze werd gegeven, maar ze deed niet spreken. Ik ben gestoord, omdat Alex, die moet worden op de top van het schema, een eenvoudige fundamenteel onderdeel van polygamie, kan nooit het goed. Ik ben gestoord, als ik niet weet hoeveel fraude is gepleegd door Alex en Carolinah in het verleden toen ze het schema opgesteld. Ja, Ik weet dat het was deels mijn schuld om niet een actieve deelnemer in het maken van het tijdschema voor de ongeveer twee en een half jaar. Ik kon gewoon niet omgaan met huwelijk op een schema op dat moment.
Hoe Alex behandelt deze kwestie te bepalen hoe zou ons huwelijk opbrengsten. Ik heb geadviseerd hem dat in een van de e-mails. Als hij niet kan worden eerlijk en rechtvaardig met mij na al de opofferingen heb ik in dit huwelijk voor hem gemaakt te worden met Carolinah, dan moet ik de vraag of ik moet blijven in het. Als Alex niet kan krijgen een eenvoudig schema rechts, we kijken naar een aantal ernstige problemen vooruit.
Ik hou jullie op de hoogte!
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
11/29/09
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Als Salaamu Alaikum!
Welkom bij Polygamie 411! Ons huis is voor moslims en niet-moslims. Het is voor iedereen die wil praten over polygamie, of iemand die in een polygaam huwelijk of overweegt het invoeren van een. We willen met bedrijf. Maak het jezelf gemakkelijk en doe mee de discussie door het verlaten van een commentaar. Wij verheugen ons op uw komst even snel weer en vaak.
reizen 4 minder!
November 29th, 2009 op 6:31 PM
In “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 op 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. Dus, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
Tussen haakjes, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
November 30th, 2009 op 2:49 AM
Goed, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 op 5:42 AM
I hear you (LOL), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “vrouw.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 op 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
Toch, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, Insha Allah.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
November 30th, 2009 op 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 op 2:50 AM
Chatelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, said to me, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, Ik hou van je, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
Dank u, Chatelaine.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 1st, 2009 op 2:55 AM
Haji Rafiq, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 1st, 2009 op 11:16 AM
Hi Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Thanks Ana, as always, J.
December 1st, 2009 op 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. Maar, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
Dus, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
Judith, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 1st, 2009 op 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 op 9:06 PM
Chatelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, alsmede. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. Dus, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 2nd, 2009 op 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
December 3rd, 2009 op 1:25 AM
Chatelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 3rd, 2009 op 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
December 3rd, 2009 op 10:46 PM
Home,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
December 4th, 2009 op 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? This time, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 4th, 2009 op 6:55 AM
Chatelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “getrouwd” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
December 4th, 2009 op 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 op 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 op 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. Ik dacht; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
Zeker genoeg, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. I said no. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.
January 21st, 2010 op 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 op 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
Dit is een open huis. Geen behoefte te kloppen. Kom gewoon op in.