Polygami 411

I think it’s great to hear about the good stuff even if you find it boring. :^D

Alex sounds like a very loving and attentive husband despite the fact that he’s putting you through hell on earth.

Carolinah sounds like an absolute witch. Who the heck does she really think she is anyway? Geesh. He did’nt let her have her way on your anniversary did he? I’m glad your latest scheduling problems worked out and that you took Valentines Day despite the fact that you should’nt celebrate. I wonder if she does? Lol….

I’m glad you’re part of our blog friendly friends, Curtis Farmer.

Alex makes dinner for you every night after work and even for the days he is away?! Gosh, he’s a better husband than I am!

Mmm… Belgium waffles… *drool*

Donald,

Alex just loves to cook. It’s weird; the men in my family do all the cooking. My mom never cooked. My dad did the cooking. A couple of my sisters think they can cook, but they can’t. I hope they never find my blog and read that. I’m beginning to cook some things now, and I don’t mind doing it anymore. When I was younger I used to cook for my family when my dad didn’t. It was my JOB, until I went away to College. I guess that’s why I hated cooking, because it was a JOB.

Vel, ya know…they say what goes around comes around. She’s earned what comes her way and she has no one to blame but herself, imo.

That’s weird I ended up in spam, thanks for fishing me out! Lol.

Live, Laugh, Love, as soon as I saw your name, I knew you didn’t belong there. I immediately remembered you from Amina’s. I thank God that He let me peruse spam and not automatically delete them all. I used to just delete until I realized spam makes errors. You would have been wondering why I didn’t post your comment and I would have lost a friend.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

Any number of things can trigger a spam filter. Everyone should get in the habit of checking their junk folder once a day. I’ve learned the hard way. Here, our junk folders are set to clear automatically once a week, so after that, everything is gone.

Hjem, thank you for helping us out by giving us a fuller view of your situation. I don’t usually talk about the positives going on for me either, for the same reason you gave, it seems prideful.

I think it is normal to talk about problems. Everyone has problems. We want those problems to just be gone. Once we discover that they aren’t going to just be gone, then we resort to just asking for them to be less painful. But then at a certain point, we realize that just making them less painful is not enough, we need to find meaning in them. We are grateful for the ease and happiness, but forget that we also need to be grateful for the problems, without them we would have no life.

best, and let us know about your marriage site!
j

Judith, that was profound. I experienced each and every step that you mentioned, even to the point of occasionally thanking God for making polygamy a part of my life. I didn’t thank Him for Alex and Carolinah, the persons that are a part of it too, but for the lifestyle, as I’ve learned and have grown so much. You’re right, without the problems we have no life. I think it’s connected to what Curtis Farmer said. He said there is no perfect situation, nor ideal person. They are what they are. It is what it is.

Thank you for the information about spam filters. The spam thing still baffles me. I just received an obvious spam comment for approval, yet Live, Laugh, Love’s comment was nothing like spam and it got filtered. I guess it is what it is…

I most certainly will keep you abreast of what’s happening with the marriage site. I didn’t know it would be as complicated as it is getting it set up. But I supposed that’s to be expected for someone such as me that knows so little about the working of a computer. Likevel, I’m sure whoever becomes a member of the site (and there’s a special bonus coming with it) would have fun and enjoyment while seeking to make a connection with the special one for them.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

ELA:
I know this quote has gotten a little repetitious recently, but that is because it bears repeating. I know it changed my life, and I’m not even in a polygamous relationship.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
— Mark Twain

EgyptianLovingAmerican,

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about you and your situation. I definitely could understand how you would opt not for a life of polygamy based on the conditions and circumstances that present themselves in your relationship.

I tend to think it quite foolish of a person to enter a relationship (in your situation it would be a polygamous marriage), knowingly and consensually, while aware of all the problems that already exist in it pre-marriage and when there are so many obstacles. That’s what it appears you would be doing should you decide to be the man’s second wife.

I used to question how people knowingly and willfully enter relationships very much aware of what they were embarking upon and then once they’re in it, complain that the problems exist. Det er rart. To me, it seems more difficult to get oneself out of a situation once in it. What would be your reason for entering a “dårlig” relationship with your eyes wide open? Of course there are some people who truly enter a “bad” relationship, not knowing it was “bad” or not knowing it was as “bad” as it was; imidlertid, that doesn’t seem to be your case.

Likevel, base on what you’ve shared with us about your relationship, you have mentioned no compelling reason to accept polygamy for yourself from what I can see.

My personal thoughts are you’ve come to a good conclusion for you. I could understand you moving on, leaving the relationship and looking forward to, hopefully, a better one soon. At least you could enter a new relationship with a good beginning and take it from there. Just some of my thoughts.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

New#2, You said the schedule is the bane of your existence. It was the ultimate humliation for me. Of course I knew in polygamy the wives take turns, but not ever dreaming polygamy would ever happen to me, when it did and Alex mentioned a schedule, I was totally dumbfounded. I thought a freakin schedule for our marriage; you’re kidding right? I totally couldn’t handle it.

I think I could have dealt with him just coming and going, but to see it in writing, and have him hand a schedule to me. I didn’t start having imput in making the schedule until 2 and a half years later, as I just couldn’t deal with it. When I finally did begin to take notice, I found out she and Alex had been making the schedule to fit her work schedule. You know how that makes us feel.

Hittil, it’s an embarassing thing. I speak with my mom or sisters. For eksempel, they ask about Alex and I have to say no, he’s not here; it’s not my turn – “MY TURN”. Yuk. My mom gets disgusted. She’s like, “Your turn – like he’s a king.”

On day one, he gave me the schedule with her name on it. Jeg sa, no. I told him everywhere her name was, delete it and put Alex. I should only see Alex and Ana’s name on that schedule. That’s how he does it till this very day. I don’t want to see her name on anything.

New#3, I’m happy to know we are not like some three headed freaks walking around; others go through what we go through. Good, bad or indifferent, we have something in common.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

I, Judith. You probably didn’t misunderstand, but just forgot since you read the blog so long ago. You first commented in April ’09 under “Fusk” (Single-Mongamous- Polygame).

My non-Muslim biological family knew about Alex and Carolinah’s marriage within a couple days after it happened. I briefly skimmed through some of my earlier posts to find mention of their knowledge of it. I wrote about my mom knowing in “The Day Polygamy Began-My Husband Married Another Woman”, Chapter 2 of My Journey in Polygamy. I wrote about my sister and Mom in “Emotional Overload-Bearing the Burden of Polygamy”, Chaper 3 of My Journey. I wrote about my family in “Den forlegenhet av Polygami”, Chapter 5 of My Journey. I wrote about them numerous other places as well.

My mom was the one that discouraged me from divorcing Alex, saying he would probaly return in my life and want to re-marry me without a license so Carolinah and I would be on the same level in the marriage and equal. My mom was the one that went to the funeral that Carolinah attended (Carolinah’s immediate family member passed away and my mom knows Carolinah’s sibbling) and advised me about Carolinah’s presence there.

All of Alex’s family knows about our polygamous relationship, samt, as I told them. My biological family knew a lot about Islam and Polygamy, as I advised them all about it when I first became Muslim. We discussed polygamy. They were there with me when I fasted, prayed, celebrated Muslims holiday and everything. They never embrased Islam, but never bothered me about it. They respected my position and I respected theirs (Kristne) and still do.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

As Salaamu Alaikum Huda,

I’m glad you found the site here and I’m hoping it will help you adjust a bit better to your life living polygamy. You are always welcome here.

Du sa, “it is a relief to know that what I feel is normal and I am not being over dramatic and am not going crazy! Only a woman going through this would understand.” I say, it is so extremely important to realize that you are not alone in the way you feel and think, in what you’re feeling emotionally and physically and experiencing psychologically.

I found myself beginning to heal much quicker as I began communicating here with people on the blog and hearing the stories of their lives. I began to realize I wasn’t alone, which made me feel so much better. I didn’t begin feeling better knowing others were suffering of course, but knowing I’m normal and not crazy. For people to sympathize, empathize and care about what I was going through was so comforting, although many of the wonderful persons here on the blog who commented were not living polygamy. It is most important to know that you’re not going crazy; what you feel is normal and you are not being overly dramatic. Ja, your pain and suffering is severe and hurts terribly, more than anyone could know without going through it.

I can say from experience things definitely get better. I don’t think time in and of itself is the cure. Of course you have to focus more on Allah and less on your husband and his other wife. I think our thoughts (whispers of Satan) are what causes the most torment for us and causes us to do and say things that are wrong.

I understand you not wanting to move to the Middle East. You’re having a difficult enough time trying to cope with your life living polygamy here in the USA let alone going to a foreign country where she is and trying to adjust to the cultural change, her family and her. It would be different, if you were all friends and were communicating as a family. I can understand you not wanting her to move to the USA, samt. It probably would be more difficult to have her so nearby and know he’s seeing her more often.

I think the key is in trying to control the thought waves of your mind. I can’t stress that enough. I’ve been trying to do that and it has helped me tremendously. It means not giving into the whispers of Satan and staying focused on Allah. Some days are going to be much easier than others. You’ll find you’re making progress and then may relapse. Likevel, you have to get back on track and begin moving forward again.

I believe your husband loves you without a doubt. He didn’t have to stay married to you. Allah allowed him to remain married to you and be with her because he loves you. You said he is trying to make things easier for you and I believe he is. With hardship there is relief; you must believe that and put your faith and trust in Allah. By doing that, I know you will be alright

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

As Salaamu Alaikum Huda, I think many women in polygamous marriages secretly hope their husbands are miserable when they (den ektemenn) are with the other wives. Most of us just don’t want to admit it as it makes us look bad and feel bad about ourselves. Aren’t we supposed to want for our brothers what we want for ourselves? I think knowing that many of us are thinking and feeling the same things helps us heal. The question is what should we do to overcome those bad feelings and terrible thoughts?

I had those thoughts and feelings recently, om Alex. He was with me for three days before his birthday and had to leave day 4, late that afternoon on his birthday. You would think I’d be happy he spent the night before his birthday and the morning and afternoon of his birthday with me – that it would be good enough. Men, it wasn’t. I was hoping Carolinah was unhappy that Alex began his birthday with me and she had the later half of that day. I was hoping she was wondering whether he and I were sexually intimate for his birthday before he left me and she was expected to be in the evening. Those are the thoughts that I had. They weren’t good. My thoughts were wasted on wondering what she was thinking and how miserable I was hoping she was and would be. I was haunted by thoughts of her until Alex left. I then had complete solitude and offered Salat (prayed). Once I connected with Allah, I was at peace again and became content once again with my situation. Like you said,our situations are always in the back of our mind to a degree.

Huda, what we’re going throught is a heck of a struggle. You asked if we’ll ever get used to it. I don’t know the answer to that. I think it gets easier, but to become totally used to it, we need to hear from someone who it has happened for. To get totally used to it is to love it and feel no more pain in it.

Huda, I know what you mean when you wondered why your husband was so happy. I used to be disappointed when Alex was happy. For eksempel, one time I met him for a business affair in the evening when it was her turn. He had to go home to her after we left the affair. He appeared so happy when I met him there. I thought he was happy because of her, because he was now polygamous. This happened quite a few time and then I began to realize that he was happy because he was with me. He’s happy when he’s at my home because he’s with me. The same thing is probably true for you. When he appears or sounds happy, your husband probably is because he’s talking with you on the phone or he’s with you. He didn’t have to call you. If he wasn’t happy when with you, you’d know it. Everyone knows when someone appears to be unhappy.

I believe your husband is probably being honest when he says he is in a situation that he can’t get out of. I believe that with Alex as well. He says too often “the grass always seems greener on the otherside.” He says he made a mistake etc. The truth is they can’t get out of the situation, unless Allah decides that for them. Only Muslims striving to be Believers understand this. It was written before they were born for these men to be in these polygamous marriages. They still will be held accountable for what they’ve done, just as you and I will be.

It does get better Huda, but it take a lot of working on ourselves. If we allow ourselves to wallow in thoughts about her and him, if we don’t beg and plead for Allah to help us, if we don’t zikr and keep our minds occupied with Allah, it’s a hell on earth for us in this polygamy thing. It’s been just a little over three years for me now living polygamy and it is much, mye, better. Alex was in another country away from Carolinah and me on business for one year of the three that I mentioned. It was not until then that I began to heal, up until then was the worst time of my polygamous life.

I used to beat up badly on Alex, but have stopped. I think things won’t get better for you and your husband until you make a sincere effort to stop beating up on him. I believe when we beat up on them, it only drives them away from us and draws us further away from Allah. Allah wants us to be kind and at peace.

You asked me if I know any couples whose marriages broke down and did not survive polygamy. I only know one sister that I’ve met personally. She was in her early twenties with two kids. Her husband took another wife and the two of them were pregnant at the same time (She was pregnant with the third kid). She divorce him before she had the baby. My best female friend (my Islamic family) said all the polygamous marriages that she knows of have ended in divorce. She’s friends with many sisters in Faith.

Much salaam!

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.