Polygami – 2nd, 3rd, og 4. Wives
av Ann on Oct.14, 2009, under polygami - kjølvannet, Seksjon 1
I pretty much know how 1st wives feel and what they go through, as I am one, en 1st kone. I’m interested, imidlertid, in hearing more from other wives, especially 3rds og 4ths, since we haven’t heard a lot from them.
One thing that keeps haunting me when I think about wives that marry married men is how they feel so wronged and hurt when they knew what they were embarking upon when they married an already married man. I understand how a wife that a husband deceived by not letting her know he had another wife could experience a lot of pain and heartache. Men, I can’t quite grasp how a woman who entered a polygamous marriage willingly and knowingly could complain about not liking it.
If anyone, particularly 2nd, 3rd’ and 4th koner, could shed some light on the subject, I would greatly appreciate it. We are all trying to learn here, so we welcome any and all comments from everyone.
I don’t mean to diminish the value of any wife be she 2nd, 3rd, eller 4th by numbering them. It is the only way I know how to put them in sequence.
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Som Salaamu Alaikum!
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reise 4 mindre!
October 14th, 2009 på 3:15 AM
Hi Ana
I know I can’t speak for any 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives, but regardless of the choices we make, no one can predict everything about their future. You’re right in the sense that a 4th wife has no right to complain that her husband is married to three other women… of course not! She knew that’s what she was accepting when she married him. But if her husband or sister wives treat her unfairly, does she too not have a right to feel wronged or hurt? Similarly, a woman in a monogamous marriage would feel hurt if her husband treated her poorly. Everyone has feelings and everyone needs to express those feelings from time to time — be they 1st, 2nd or 453rd wife.
Please understand, I’m talking about a polygamous family where everyone consented. I know your situation is very different, and you have every right to feel betrayed by Alex for marrying a second wife without your consent… even, as I understand it, he promised never to do that. Også, some men, as you’ve discussed previously, keep the existence of one wife a secret from the other. Any woman who unwittingly found themselves in polygamy because of such deception (be they 1st, 2nd or whatever) have every right to feel terribly betrayed and hurt.
October 14th, 2009 på 6:32 AM
I consider myself to be #2 out of 3, so I will try to answer your question with some things I have learned over the last 10 år.
The only way to know for sure what is going on is to talk to the others (the other women in the family).
Because the crux of it is going to be in what he told her/them about his other relationship/s. What was it that made them agree to or want to be part of this?
Usually it is something along the lines of my wife is mentally ill or otherwise deranged and I stay with her out moral duty and pity, but I love YOU, and want to be with you. Come join my clan so I can continue to be a moral man, and we will have a loving, moral life together. I ought to divorce her for the way she treats me, but I just don’t have the heart to do it, because she can’t help that she is this way. Don’t make me do something bad like that just to be with you.
In other words, just a variation on the more secular married man speil.
So she gets in it, on some level feeling like a noble, chosen one that can help this poor, misunderstood man with the good heart and the wounded soul who just can’t live without her. Because she wants to be good, wants to help him have the life he wants and deserves.
And once there, it begins to appear that reality might be a little different than portrayed. And so yes, she feels pi***d and betrayed.
Just conjecture, but I’m thinking this is in part what is behind Carollah wondering about your emotional stability and you wondering about hers. Seems like I read something like that in one of your posts.
The women may be mad at the guy, but they project it on to the other woman, making her the focus of the trouble.
Usually, the LAST thing the husband wants is for the women to get together to compare notes. It may be unpleasant for him to have stress from both sides, but compared to having 2 facing him as one, demanding answers in the presence of the other, it is a walk in the park.
By the way, #3 in my circle is also said to be mentally ill. (translation: she is always pi***d at hubby) She came on board because he needed help to forget about me and how mean I was to him (for refusing to marry him until he divorced #1).
She no doubt felt like a good woman for doing so.
But then found the reality to be somewhat different.
She has every reason to be angry.
I would be more than happy to compare notes with her. But as long as she is focused on me as her problem, it will never happen.
When I found out he was wooing a 4th, a very naive virgin, I took it upon myself to inform her of what life was going to be like if she got involved with him, so she could make a more informed choice. After I clobbered him, Jeg mener.
Basically, these guys (I think my guy is not unique) present just a couple of degrees of the 360 degree reality to the new woman. And she extrapolates what she now believes into a 360 degree world that is only in her head. She probably feels betrayed too, even though she knew there was another woman involved.
October 14th, 2009 på 5:24 PM
Mistresses and Wives:
Etter #1, I don’t think there is a lot of difference, except that the marriage thing is sanctioned/tolerated in some cultures and religions.
A lot of men have the combination disorder of the wandering eye plus the erect member. Not to mention that strong sense of entitlement. I suppose, if he is going to do what he does, it is (or was) better for the other women and their offspring to be protected financially and covered socially by him. Makes a lot of sense. Good to prevent some serious social problems in the community. But to the wife, this still feels like he is having an affair. It is an extra-marital relationship, tross alt.
He might have the right to do it.
But we have the right to feel what we feel. Why would anyone be ashamed of an honest expression of emotion?
I don’t think it would feel any worse to him if his wife was involved in an EMR.
Men should come to understand this. How else will they develop compassion enough to stop and think before inflicting such a painful blow to their partners?
“None of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” Number 13 of Imam “Al-Nawawi’s Forty Hadiths.”
I take brother in this case to mean a fellow member of the tribe of humanity.
October 14th, 2009 på 11:58 PM
Hi Donald,
I agree a 2nd, 3rd or 4th wife has the right to be dissatisfied if her husband treats her unfairly, whatever that may be…doesn’t share his time or monies equally, shows favoritism, shows he still loves his 1st wife etc.
Everybody has expectations and most of the time things aren’t what we expected them to be. When I told Alex that Carolinah knew what she was getting into when she agreed to be “married” to him while he was married to me, he replied, “She thought she knew.” I can only surmise she thought she was going to get the royal treatment and it was going to last.
I am with you. “Everyone has feelings and everyone needs to express those feelings from time to time.” I concede that 2nd, 3rd or 4th wives sometimes express when they are disgruntled too. I gotcha. “I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this anymore”
-OK, what movie was that from?
October 15th, 2009 på 12:17 AM
Hi JeanneT, like you said seems like the stories are similar. I guess that’s a famous line-my wife is mentally ill, deranged. Alex told me and still tells me that his ex-wife is crazy. Jeg liker…sure, høyre. And then I spoke with her not too long ago and she sounded crazy. She was telling me that Alex still loves her. He would not have taken a second wife, if he was still with her. It’s my fault it happened because I didn’t tell him not to do it and I should divorce him. Then she started telling me about her high school sweetheart that she is now with who had taken her virginity. I really began to think maybe there was some validity to what Alex said. Likevel, I think everybody thinks everybody else is crazy and they’re the sane ones.lol
It all boils down to women wanting to feel and be special. We can’t really get that when our husbands are off pledging their undying love to another woman and sexing her up. We only feel special until some other woman arrives on the scene, thinking she’s all that…thinking she’s special. Regardless of how much the husband tries to show us that we are special to him, it just doesn’t matter anymore. Like you said before-too many lies. Who knows when it’s lies and when it’s truth? And forget about it when he says Islam allows him to lie to keep peace. Så, I don’t ask Alex any questions about him and Carolinah or about Carolinah. Du vet de sier, “Ask me no questions, I’ll tell you know lies.”
Your story sounds typical. So we’re not that much different after all. How about that? You may have protected that naive virgin girl from being traumatized. Where was her wali? Thanks much for sharing JeanneT.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
October 15th, 2009 på 7:19 AM
I don’t know what a wali is. From their emails, I could see that there had been some physical contact, like kissing, and maybe more. But it had not gotten to the point of trying to make a muslim out of her. Was primarily about seducing her.
So many bold face lies in his mail to her, like how few women he had slept with. To make her feel special and chosen. Gave me the same lines. To get me to feel sorry for him, get me to think he was an innocent man.
So I corrected his lies with names, for eksempel. Emailed her and copied it to him. I did not share this with 3, imidlertid. I might yet.
I love this man. He taught me about Islam. He is probably my best friend in the world. But I don’t respect the way he conducts his personal affairs.
Our relationship is different now. I don’t put effort into it anymore. It is a bottomless hole full of my tears.
I really don’t care about #3. I am past the heartbreak.
She can have him.
October 15th, 2009 på 8:38 AM
That would be Peter Finch in the 1976 film, ‘Network’. Do I win a prize?
Even though I Googled?? 
October 15th, 2009 på 2:40 PM
Hi JeanneT,
If you want to know more about a wali, we had a full discussion about the subject in a previous post “Wali as a Protector of Women in a Polygamous Marriage”, under General Info., Seksjon 1. You could put the title in the “keyword search” box to make it easier to find.
I just don’t know what’s up with some of these men and all their lies. Lying is so commonplace for them, which I don’t understand. Tross alt, it is a blameworthy characteristic. These men get caught all the time. What could they possibly be thinking about? I once was speaking to an Egyptian guy who wanted to marry me. I dismissed him immediately; one of the reasons was because of his lies. He said he was a virgin at 40 some odd years old. When I told him I couldn’t be with a virgin man, he changed his story. He changed his story all the time to suit my wants, likes and desires. Nothing about him was real. I couldn’t get a feel of who he was.
I know what you mean; your relationship is now different. It has to be different as each change changes things. 3rd changed it significantly for you and the potential number 4 was probably the straw that broke the camel’s back.
When you say you don’t put any more effort into your marriage anymore, I think you’re just beginning to detach a bit, which is a good thing; it’s liberating so to speak. Let’s try to put our focus on Allah SWT and we’ll be happy. We have to ask Allah to remove the passionate love for our husbands from our hearts and replace it with a moderate love and then it doesn’t hurt as badly.
It’s OK to still love your husband. You say you love him. He taught you Islam. He’s your best friend. Så, as my Egyptian friend said, “Make yourself happy.” No one else can do it for you. I’m talking to myself as well. So we got men who are a bunch of lying sacks of sh**. lol-What else is new?
October 15th, 2009 på 2:58 PM
Donald,
No Cheating!
October 15th, 2009 på 4:05 PM
Hey again,
My boyfriend says that where he is from polygamy causes women to be overly jealous and fearful that their husbands will take on another wife. We both have agreed that if we ever get to marry that we couldn’t handle the stress of another wife, I’m too jealous and he says that it would be impossible to treat the women fairly as you will always favor one over the other.
I have a coworker that is gettimng married to a 2nd wife early next year. It has broken his wife’s spirit and possibly ruined their marriage. She crys all the time.
October 15th, 2009 på 6:19 PM
Rebecca,
Hey again. I think your boyfriend is right. A Muslim woman should always be mindful that her husband may take another wife, while married to her, even if he says he would never do it. The husband cannot predict the future, selv, he could make his intention. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do in the days to come. I learned that the hard way, by having it happen to me. My husband Alex said he never would, but did.
Knowing that polygamy is a possibility in her life, a Muslim woman may become over jealous and fearful. I know of one Muslim woman who was single; married women refused to befriend her, fearing their husbands may want her as a second wife.
A man will love one of the wives more, but that’s OK in Islam, as a man can’t control what’s in his heart. He can be fair and just regarding his time and wealth.
I personally know of the heartbreak the wife of your coworker is experiencing and I empathize with her. I’m sure it’s totally traumatic and agonizing for her. My heart goes out to her. What amazes me is that many husbands who decide to become polygamous can’t empathize with their first wives, nor begin to know how much their wives suffer.
It’s always nice hearing from you, Rebecca
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
October 15th, 2009 på 7:24 PM
There have been so many last straws since #3. Like 2 babies in their sexless marriage. Answer: “She tricked me!” I could probably write 75 pages of things/lies just that bad. Just that devastating. But once I started looking at him as a lying sack o’ sh**, it just didn’t hurt anymore.
When he came back to me a few weeks after that wedding, full of tears about his terrible mistake, how he was trying to undo it, blah, blah, blah, cry cry cry, it absolutely nauseated me. Because I was THAT close to marrying him just a month or 2 før. That could have been ME he was cheating on in just a few weeks after our marriage!
I tried to talk him out of it and was told not to moralize with him, he knew what he wanted to do, etc..
So I asked him, “Is this what you would want for your sister?, to have her with a man married to someone else only 3 weeks ago? What would you tell your sister if she came to you for advice on this?”
He told me he would ask her if she felt true love from the man, because that was the most important thing, the only thing that mattered.
Vel, he has been complaining about #3′s mental disorder since day 1, SWEARING he would divorce her once the younger sister was married, as he did not want to ruin her chances. He is in a culture where families evaluate family stability. OK, whatever.
Så, the family is trying to arrange a marriage, but she (little sis of #3) keeps stalling. Turns out she was involved with an older married man, who wanted to marry her, også!
Vel, my guy is telling me this, about how the man lied to her, telling her he had a bad marriage, blah blah blah. That he went to his village and found out the truth, blah blah. That he filled her with lies about loving her to corrupt her heart…
So shortly after they run this guy off, she does get married to a young man.
And I say:
OK, time to divorce #3. (bs answers)
OK, why did you not support this other adulterous ‘love match’? (bs answers)
These were the last straws.
I prayed that prayer. And since then, I have not been hurting. I’ve noticed some things. Or maybe I just removed the veil from my eyes. I used to think of him as a source of strength and spiritual guidance. Which was absolutely the most important thing to me in our relationship. This was the engine that powered it for me, not sex. But he is not. It’s now like… who is he?
I’m even starting to think that the whole convert me to Islam thing was only about getting his family to agree to accept me. Very weird how different he looks in my eyes since I prayed that prayer.
Sorry to ramble, but wanted to share.
October 15th, 2009 på 9:45 PM
Jeanne T,
That prayer you prayed is everything. It is the thing that has turns our hearts and lives in totally new and much better directions. Allah opens the eyes of those who turn to Him sincerely. The reality and truth of our situations and the men we attach ourselves to become incredibly clear.
I totally understand how liberating that is. It is like being given freedom from a downward spiralling prison sentence. It may be a cliche, but the truth does set you free!
I had been praying, begging, but it was going for Hajj that really lifted the veil for me. From that point forward, I could see that my path was something far different and I needed something better.
Thanks for sharing; it is nice to know that there are others who are given “øyne” samt, and how it affects them.
October 16th, 2009 på 12:35 AM
OK, Donald, truth is I cheated as well. I always remembered the saying, “I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this anymore”, but I couldn’t remember the movie. Så, I Googled it, samt. It’s funny; that saying was the only thing pretty much that I remembered of the movie. You get
October 16th, 2009 på 1:25 AM
Mai, Som Salaamu Alaikum! Being able to see clearly is beautiful. JeanneT and I probably are making some progress (sakte men sikkert). I didn’t realize it until you mentioned I probably had received some clarity during Ramadan. It seems like a lot of negativity surfaces, during the course of beginning to see clearly. Thanks you much for the insight, Mai. You always are so helpful and I appreciate it.
October 16th, 2009 på 7:21 AM
Ah ha! So the truth comes out!
Okay, Googling movie quotes is easy enough… but how on earth are you doing those big smileys?? Let me try…
October 17th, 2009 på 5:46 PM
JeanneT,
I read your previous comment again in which you stated thing became clearer after you made prayer (istikhar -spelling?) Plus you said you don’t put any effort into your relationship anymore. I think when we begin to see clearer after we’ve been hurt so much, we don’t make any more emotional investment in the marriage. We come to accept the relationship for what it is, and try to make the best of it. When and if it’s time to leave the marriage, we’ll know, as it will be easy and there won’t be any doubt as to whether it’s the right thing to do or not. We won’t have to sit around wondering whether or not we should or shouldn’t leave. Those are just my thoughts about it.
October 23rd, 2009 på 1:01 PM
Salamalaykum all,
I just ran across this site yesterday as I was doing a search on polygamy. I’m a convert and married to a Muslim who has informed that he has to marry another wife to make his family happy (and because he wants a lot of kids apparently). Ikke bare det, I have to move to his country, give up my family (to more than likely not be accepted by his, hence the second wife), culture, and many other things…. He was the one who helped guide me to Islam and as someone else said here, I see him as an invaluable source and role model of the religion… we’re best friends, he understands me more than anyone else in my family (or friends), blah blah I’ll skip all the details but suffice it to say, this whole thing is tearing me apart. I can’t imagine sharing him (despite the fact that I accept polygamy in theory…
, not to mention all the other issues that would come up with me being the foreigner. I’m glad to have come across this site, and am really looking forward to hearing more from everyone about their experiences.
October 23rd, 2009 på 2:01 PM
K, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. Velkommen til polygami 411! I am so glad you’ve joined us. Thank you for sharing what you are experiencing. I’m hoping many more persons would come forward and help by sharing their experiences in dealing with what you are living.
You said your husband wants to marry another wife and have you move with him to his country. There is so much cultural diversity out there in the world. I’m hoping someone could share with you, others, and me about this issue so you could have an idea what to expect and how easy or difficult it might be, if you move to a foreign land. I’m assuming it might be more than a bit difficult going from monogamy to polygamy and moving to a foreign country, samt. It entails a lot of transitioning.
K, again I’m glad you’re here and all are welcome to comment to you and to all of us. I have no experience with the cultural aspects that persons have been discussing so I appreciate and would value all input. I’d truly like to learn more.
K, I’m praying Allah (swt) will continue to bless you and guide you to what is best in this world and the Hereafter.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
October 23rd, 2009 på 3:35 PM
K,
You said that your husband is a role model in religious matters. I don’t doubt he is.
According to your story, your husband said “he has to marry another wife to make his family happy”. However evolved he is in some ways, there is something wrong with that statement.
October 23rd, 2009 på 3:44 PM
K,
He does not Have to do any such thing. He Wants to do it. He is putting his parents’ wishes for him ahead of his existing marriage.
If you are in the US, and he is here waiting to become a citizen, he can lose his status because of polygamy. It is a felony here. There is also the possibility of him already being married and having not told you about her.
I don’t know where you are or where you are planning to go, but look around and listen to the stories before you go off to a questionable situation.
Sounds to me like she is already involved, gift, or waiting in the wings from having been selected by his family.
October 30th, 2009 på 3:24 AM
JeaneT, I understand its very hard to have a husband that lies, but you mentioned something disturbing in the first post; you refused to marry your husband unless he divorced his first wife? If that was the case, what do you expect from that kind of man?
November 12th, 2009 på 6:33 AM
Salam. Vel, I have two wives. And I did not tell any lies. May be these lies are considered ‘essential’ when trying to ‘lure’ someone to join you as a second (or third..) kone. My two marriages were both arranged and everything was open. Even now I tell both wives that I need them both. I do not have a problem with loving both. They are both different and I love them both differently, there is no need to ‘quantify’ kjærlighet. How do you measure it? In pounds or liters? What is important is to TRY YOUR UTMOST to be equal. And Allah is our judge and merciful.
November 12th, 2009 på 7:40 AM
Haji rafiq, Wa Alaikum As Salaam. I’m glad you have joined us and commented at polygamy 411. Welcome! It is always nice to hear from men who are actually practicing polygamy. We all could learn so much from your experiences, thoughts and suggestions.
I think you are right; the key is for men practicing polygamy to “TRY YOUR UTMOST to be equal.” I don’t so much agree with equal in the rigid sense, meaning dollar for dollar spent. I believe it is more of not having one wife living in squalor and the other living a life of luxury. Allah doesn’t want to make life difficult for us or burden us with a burden more than we have the strength to bear. I believe one’s intentions truly matters.
I’ve heard arranged marriages could be really good, especially if all of the parties are willing participants and no one is doing it simply to please parents. If the selection process is made with Allah in mind, one could have a very rewarding, loving relationship. See, I didn’t put Allah first when deciding to marry Alex. I prioritized self. Som et resultat, I have suffered the consequences.
Haji Rafiq, please continue to visit with us and share whatever you’d like, as we could all learn much from each other, undoubtedly. Thank you again!
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
November 12th, 2009 på 7:44 AM
Haji Rafiq,
Jeg hører deg. Du sa:
“Even now I tell both wives that I need them both. I do not have a problem with loving both.”
Congratulations. I’m glad to hear that you are getting your needs met, and that you don’t have a problem doing what you are supposed to do to get your needs met.
November 12th, 2009 på 4:36 PM
ummabdullah,
I’m not sure what you are asking with your question.
I expected him to divorce so to help me live within the US law, and in doing so, keep custody of my children.
But he did not divorce her so I did not marry him. My kids had to come first. And now it is a million times more complicated.
But I am finally at peace with things.
I have reached a better understanding of what happened, why and how it happened.
It has been a disaster, but also something that has lead everyone involved to a greater self-awareness and spiritual strength. Such growth comes from walking on thorns, not lying in the bed of roses.
What I have asked of him is that he speak his truth without trying to satisfy me, calm me, reassure me, or whatever might be his agenda in that particular conversation. Because he is not going to tell the truth if he is invested in a particular outcome.
I don’t care the outcome anymore. I just want the honesty.
December 14th, 2009 på 10:47 AM
Salam.
Alhamdulillah for this website. I am the third and currently last wife for over 6 years now. A comment on Ana’s statement “One thing that keeps haunting me when I think about subsequent wives is how they can feel so wronged and hurt when they knew what they were embarking upon when they accepted the position of being a wife to an already married man”. Ja, you are right, I knew my husband already has two wives and I even communicated with them before the marriage. I think the answer to your question would be we don’t really know what we are entering into in polygamous marriage. What we thought we can handle becomes impossible as time goes and we become naturally attached to our husbands. What is sure though is that anybody who truly love their husband would be hurt to share him with other women, regardless if she is first, andre, etc., thus the complaints. In Malaysian culture, the first wife is looked up to and respected. She is given favor first from in-laws in family gatherings. The subsequent wives are of course treated well, også, it is just that there is obviously a hierarchy there. Så, maybe emotionally and traditionally, the first wife suffered a lot but not forever. In my case, the first wife and I get along very well but I still get frustrated that she gets one extra night every week as her “special night”. To this I have learned to deal with (not accept, as I plan to question her and my husband about it in the hereafter). In Islam, wives are equal in every aspect yet culture and traditions, especially that of Muslims in Asia actually demote the subsequent wives.
As I’ve said what hurts you will surely hurt me,også, regardless of prior knowledge. But I am proud of myself that I have dealt with my emotional challenges since I married my husband in a peaceful way without terrorizing the other wives, even though I feel that I am the most deprived of them all materially. I have matured enough to pursue my PhD and expecting my third baby. The challenges of polygamy are always there but Alhamdulillah, I think I have done well in peacefully dealing with it. I cry alone for maybe 10 minutes but after salah, Allah gives my strength and optimism back.
I better stop…thank you for the space and to Ana, I hope this helps you understand the other wife’s feelings. All the best to you.
Wassalam
December 15th, 2009 på 1:26 AM
Naimah, Som Salaamu Alaikum! I’m so glad you’ve joined us here and shared with us what you have been experiencing living polygamy. I truly understand exactly what you related and I’m grateful you took the time to try to make it all clearer for me. You’re so right…why wouldn’t you feel the same way as a first wife who deeply loves her husband? There’s no reason why you wouldn’t.
I understand perfectly well the hurt and pain you feel. It must all feel the same to you as it does for me and it hurts badly. Selv, the pain does diminish with time and a mega amount of prayers.
It’s admirable that you didn’t terrorize the other wives and that you do what Jacob did when he thought Joseph was dead…he suffered in silent sorrow. It can’t be easy at all knowing the first wife get’s preferential treament. But like you said, your husband will have to account for what he has done.
Don’t concern yourself about taking up any space writing here. I hope everyone writes as much as they’d like or feel’s necessary. That’s exactly what I do. All are welcome to do so too.
Insha Allah, I’ll make a lot of duas for you. Lots of hugs for you too! Continue to stay strong and hold onto Allah real tight and never let go.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
December 15th, 2009 på 6:31 AM
Salaam To All,
This thread is disheartening for an old man like me. Hmmm … where to begin?? Let’s start with lying men: “Cowards” is the best word to use to describe them. This is essentially at the root of a wife’s feeling of betrayal, even though she may be overly in love with her own romanticized image of herself. She’s been lied to and that insults her sense of judgment and hence security, self-image, self-assurance and dignity. And so it should. It’s a wakeup call for her sleepwalik through life’s Disneyland illusion of foreverafter.
Not that forever after isn’t there, sure it is, but it’s most likely not with the one she’s married to who has lied to her, and this hurts very deeply because she made such a mistake in choosing a coward who cannot even protect the truth. She is cheapened and feels treated like a child when in fact the truth is she chose to marry a fearful manipulative child whose had a poor deviant education IN MANHOOD.
Nå … what does this mean? Hmmmm … it means that for the most part, people are relying on “self” rather than on Allah’s “veiledning” and that’s the bottom line. This is what Ishtik’harrah is for, to obtain divine affirmation in addition to the approval of one’s wali and close relatives (providing they’re sensible people practicing taquah). Hmmmm … taquah …. ah … what is that?
It’s Islam silly … serious Islam and not a joke … more on that later.
As for #2 #3 #4 et alia … Haji Tariq has answered, and i bet his wives are as happy as mine are. Hvorfor? First of all, because i don’t lie or hide my motivations; nor do i demean them by talking about one to the other behind their backs, unless it’s to help one wife understand the other and thereby love her as a sister and thereby help me love them both better and make my life more meaningful as well…
Haji Tariq said it correctly: He and i tell each wife exactly WHY we love them, and for each one the love has a different color and even purpose. A mature man is like a mountain who needs to be climbed, and few women can do that alone. They really do need help. Most men of quality and divine mission are never satisfied by one woman, because one woman cannot hope to carry the hearts of such men alone … they’re too heavy unless the wife is exceptional like Khadijah.
Now ladies ,,, just get over the fact that it’s a man’s world and do your best not choose boys and cowards … i could go on, but that’s enough for now.
Salaam,
dr Omar
December 16th, 2009 på 11:59 AM
Salam.
It’s flattering to be compared to Yacob alayhi salam but I am not that good, Hjem. I also had my tantrums back then, especially during the beginning of the marriage. Mine was an arranged one and had a specific noble purpose that I expected all the wives would acknowledge. I had to follow my husband to his country and leave my own country and family behind. So without my family to give me support, I was suddenly alone in this new country with nothing to rely on except my husband. This situation backfired. I want him to be by my side always (which he tried to be) which of course,became a source of enmity between me and the second wife. She became so suspicious of our husband spending time with me that she’ll get into fights with him all the time. I was not immune to her rage, også. So I exchange nasty sms’s with her and we even fought over the phone. I am not a confrontational person but I figured “why do I have to tolerate her?”, but in the end I always lose because I cannot stay very angry for a long time, it bothers me..
I tried to be friends with her for my sake as much as for my husband’s sake but until now, she is very cold to me. There are times that she will not even say salam to me. Nå, I just try to be civil with her. I may have hurt her when I married her husband but hey, I did not come looking for him. He came looking for me. Ja, I know he had wives already but Islam allows us to marry married men. I found in my husband all the qualities I was looking for- strong in religion, highly educated, passion to help other Muslims. Its just that he is already married. I was so eager to please in the beginning because I know that to her, I was an intruder but she didn’t care. Det har vært 6 years now and at the very least, what she can do is say “assalamu’alaykum” til meg. But that, too does not bother me very much anymore. Let her be. I have my own life.
Allikevel, every relationship is different and it’s wrong to assume that what works for one will work for others, også. One thing that all polygamous marriages will be is that there is no shortage of drama.
. So kudos to all the women out there who are braving the storm almost every day. The man we sometimes hate so much is also the man that we passionately love. Nobody is perfect. Give him love and space because after our parents, rasulullah (peace and blessings be upon him) advised us to give our utmost respect and service to our husbands (even with his little flaws) and Allah is All-Knowing, Most Merciful.
December 17th, 2009 på 2:38 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Naimah,
It appears your co-wives may not be receptive to you not only because you’re married to their husband, but because your marriage was “arranged” with a “specific noble purpose” hence a feeling of superiority on your part. They may see you as special, which created a feeling of inferiority in them.
Likevel, I’ll never understand how anyone can refuse to give the salaams when greeted with it. There’s been a few times in my life when I didn’t want to return the salaams, but I did so regardless, remembering what Allah says regarding it. That was a problem I not only had with Carolinah, but Alex’s ex-wife, samt. How could someone make something so simple, so huge a matter by not complying?
Allikevel, I’m just going to leave Carolinah alone, as Dr. Omar suggested. I’m tempted to contact her again and say something else she won’t ever forget, but I’ve been trying hard to maintain my composure, with the help of Allah.
Like you said my dear sister, “There is no shortage of drama” in polygamous marriages.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
December 21st, 2009 på 3:52 AM
as salaamualaikum, came across ur site after much forethought, most times talks of p just make me feel worse by living in it every day bc everything always so negative,and immature, but urs is not mashaAllah . I am 1st wife, husband has 2nd, and our story is difft like all marriages. The 2nd is from a foreign country where me and dh and our children all moved to way before he married her, hence all of us except her giving up our country of birth, our family and friends support of the muslim comm. back home to stay in where we felt a better place to raise our children,study, etc. I wanted to say to Naima that Ive learned from the trials of other p ppl that its better for the wives to leave each other alone, this has worked greatly in my situation, we dont communicate at all, we dont see each other, and have no desire to, and after all that there is no hatred . We don’t call each other or nor do I use my children against her,or whatver other unfortunate situations. Focus on yourself, your own household. I do think it is interesting to see why it is so important to some subsequent wives to try to befriend the first wife. I dont feel angry at her, I want to continue to live my life, honestly I don’t have time to make drama with her, nor do I desire to anger Allah foremost. I have a lot of children, a home, a husband and more importantly my Lord to please rather than worry about her 24/7. It also surprises me to possibly think she is upset because I don’t want to deal with her? Why would she need to deal with me? Do subsequent wives normally feel a need to have the first wife accept them? That is my question. I know the husband usually want that, to get acceptance from the first about the second, but I don’t understand why sometimes the subsequent ones have this feeling. My husbands other wife, as from what I can see certainly doesn’t from what I can see. No one has tried to call me, reach out and touch, be in my face, in fact we have never met alhamdulilah,(the community knows who she is and that she is married to my husband, i just don’t know and don’t care, its just not important to me, is that bad or wrong?? lol) but it is not a bad thing. We have separate households, we are difft ppl, and first of all she didn’t come to me and ask me to marry my husband, so obviously she knew she was in it for the man, to become his wife, not mine lol. And I didn’t leave the marriage because in all honesty after being in it now for a few years and searching my heart and Allah KNOWS how difficult and trying , how much pain we experience through the process,it does get to be bearable and some days are good and some are bad, Qadr Allah, we have to deal with our life just like any other any aspect that we have a hard time dealing with like death, etc.
I do know and have met many sisters and families in p practicing it everyday. It is a struggle at times. There are so many discussions that could take place but personally some issues were issues and now they aren’t and other issues have come to take its place lol. I don’t want to refresh,relive bad memories and that itself is a type of coping mechanism, to forgive and move on, try to have a good day today. Sabr and salaat thats only way to get thru each moment. SubhaanAllah wanted to add my couple cents to a beneficial forum here,lol turning out to be a couple dollars lol) inshaAllah we can encourage each others to have fruitful marriages whether in or outside p. Divorces are too rampant and breaks up so many ppl lives and affects others,sometimes due to a bad practice of p, sometimes due to a monogamous marriage that wasn’t lived to its best potential,etc.. There are a couple videos on thefiks.org a talk show about polygyny, and the brother at the end states that he wants to see more dialogue but also solutions to the problems which this is my sentiment. We can debate, talk, get angry, sad, depressed, or not about this issue all day but we do need to see real prob and solutions being offered to all of us.
December 21st, 2009 på 4:17 AM
wa alaikumsalaam, Dr. Omar what you said about telling the wives exactly why you love them very good solution to the issue that may arise in p about jealousy , one wife feeling unloved and that the other is more special and cherished by the husband. How can a man do this if he doesn’t know how or have the desire to show his love to his wives. I mean honestly if he doesn’t know actually how to express his love, or see the importance of that for his wife or wives? Like one sister said when a brother asked her what is a man to do when he has to face all the anger and hurt of his wife about his remarrying, she said just smile lol. But really just be nice , don’t call her weak, Crazy, put her down for crying, or having a hard time dealing with this issue. I don’t understand how some men can be like this. They get up and just get married and expect the woman to be his cheerleader initially when she is experiencing all type of grief , shock, sadness, angir, etc all in one, but all he has to say to that is ‘Get over IT, I did nothing haraam’! Another question if a man has a difficult time showing and expressing love to his wife,how is he going to all of a sudden learn with someone new? Then on top pf that he doesnt know how to deal with women and their nature because he didnt learn from any mature older and happy in marriage brothers, where does he start? Esp if he doesnt WANT to, and now all of his wives all upset because they all think he doesnt love anybody and will get someone else again and show even less compassion/ Is it hard for brothers to learn compassion? The best of men are the ones best to their families. Can the brothers practice a sunnah (flerkoneri) without practicing the other components of that sunnah (smiling when entering the home, buying gifts, spending on their families in goodness, helping their women in the house, spending time teaching their families,sweet words,and kisses,looking good for the wife, etc.) successfully ? NO! So again we are back to marriage itself, encourage and set the tone in our households. We are the examples, we set them for our children and those around us.
December 21st, 2009 på 2:36 PM
Ummu Katheer,
Som Salaamu Alaikum! I’m happy you’ve joined us here at polygamy 411. I enjoyed reading your comment and I am grateful you’ve shared your story with us all. All of your couple cents and dollars enriched me LOL- Ja… really and truly. I like your perspective of your life living polygamy and I’m glad you have found a healthy way to cope by avoiding drama and added problems with your husband’s other wife. It is very inspiring to hear from you how you’ve handled the situation and that you’re putting your Faith and Trust in Allah to see you through.
I tend to agree with you that the less involvement you have with a wife that shares your husband, the less drama there is. I think it prevents the comparison factor, comparing us to each other. It prevents a lot of envy and jealously, samt. Of course those feelings still exist; imidlertid, like you said, when the person isn’t always in your face, it’s easier.
In my case, I just want my husband’s other wife to acknowledge I exist. Dr. Omar summed it up best by describing it as an “intruder” “subtracter” situation in my case. She’s a woman who has come along, positioned herself in my husband’s life, and takes from my husband and me, hence the “intruder” “subtracter.” Our stories are quite different. It’s interesting hearing others’ stories.
Like you, I’m interested in knowing why your husband’s second wife is trying so hard to enter your world. Perhaps others who have been there and done that could explain.
You seem to have a good attitude that serves you well. You don’t worry 24/7 about your husband’s second, which is a blessing. I’ve experienced that preoccupation and it’s very debilitating. I’ve gotten so much better now, since I’ve been communicating with everyone, special people like you, and have been keeping myself extremely busy. I really like your optimistic outlook. If we’re not part of the solution, we’re part of the problem. Nice talking with you Ummu Katheer! Insha Allah, let’s stay in touch.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
2 januar, 2010 på 12:17 AM
I have dealt with a proposed polygynous situation for the past 2 years and it has not been successful. I came in as a proposed second wife and from the very start there were problems. I tried my hardest to make everything work and to accept things that I did not understand since I didn’t know what to expect in this journey. I thought that there should be some structure or agenda or guidelines but there were not and I looked to my co-wife/first wife for that guidance and support since she was a bit older and had been with my “husband” at least 5 yrs before him and I. Initially I wanted nothing to do with this kind of situation(flerkoneri) as I’d had a conservative Christian background, but was reasoned with and came to accept and advocate the practice. I was under the impression that #1 knew what he was trying to do and was introduced to her about 6weeks after our meeting. I looked to her for guidance in Islam and the proposed marriage as I thought this would be her job. However I was only attacked by her from the beginning. He spend much time defending me and talking to me about her and their relationship.
We never made formal arrangements and kind of played everything by sight and ear which bothered me. The first time that I was attacked verbally by #1 was the only the second time we met on an outing. She tried to push me away with verbal assult and it almost worked, as I’d gotten worked up almost to the point of physical violence and upset as I thought the meeting would be a pleasant bonding experience. We met again and I attempted to have a heart to heart with her to establish some background and trust between us so we could work collectively as our proposed co-wife ship was supposed to be born of the spirit of communal living and collectivity. I asked her very clearly how she felt about me being there and what she would have me to do if she was not ready or whatever in an attempt to respect her wishes regarding these matters as I thought that it was important for us to be in harmony and for her not to feel as if she was being forced. I never wanted any part in stealing away her joy or having this relationship against her wishes as I would want another woman to think of me in her place. I asked her on several occasions and she never wanted me to leave the situation, in fact once when I expressed that I was going to leave because I felt as though my presence was problematic and that I was confused, she convinced me to remain. She convinced me to remain on more than one occasion and then a few weeks or months later, would blow up and act crazy. Eventually we were so deep in were living all together communally. I became the bad guy when ever it was suiatable and the good guy likewise.
She never acknowledged the marriage and now based on my own studies of Islamic marriage I find fault with the validity thereof as the right measures were not in place for a healthy and Islamically lawful marriage to have taken place. I can say these two had problems before me and I was sucked into their crazy life. Its been a work in progress 4 more than 2years now with some progress but always wind to push the progress back 20 feet for every 15 we gained. I am now frustrated and want out of the situation while I am still young and without child. I see the fundamental flaws with our foundation why it has not worked out.
At the end I am left feeling jaded and drained. I place marriage, mann, and wife in quotes as I don’t believe the marriage valid since it did not have the right frame work and had a faulty basis. I love this man very much and loved his children with #1 and can say that I even grew to love #1 at times, but I recognize the union can not be healthy and have decided to remove myself as I can not afford the stress or spiritual and physical detriment that have started to take their tolls on me.
Am I wrong to leave? My “husband” says that I am. I really would like someone to talk to to get unbiased and non judge mental feedback from. I feel like I can not talk to my friends and parents because they will only judge. I have infact lost my best friend due to my participation in the relationship. #1 has refered to me as a home wreaker in some instances and subsequently taken it back and I had asked her if that was how she felt so as to know how to proceed. I can never know what to believe or expect from her and now him.
Because of the craziness coupled with the love and attachment, I toughed it out but began to detach myself. My mind beat my heart out of the door and I began another relationship but feel bad because I had not been vocal about wanting to leave. I had hoped things would get better and after a long time of them not, I just began something else and this came kind of abruptly to them I feel wrong and right all at the same time. ‘
There is much more to this story in the way of details and events. But here is a rough sketch… feedback is welcomed.
2 januar, 2010 på 10:28 AM
Salaam Sister Esposa,
Get out while the getting is good. This man is a failure and will not be an appropriate wali for you because the Islamic “foundation” is not there, neither in his herat nor in his mind. Det “Adab” that shepherds justice simply is not there and so-called “kjærlighet” has nothing to do with this at all.
This man is an incompetent husband and lover. Love making extends to the social sphere where respect is maintained and dignity is held in high regard as the pre-requisite foreplay. He can do neither, so the flame you carry slowly dwindles as it is dwarfed by your own outrage, dissapointment and shame.
This is pure injustice, and yes, is largely due to the first wife, who should have been put in her place properly and gently by this Non-Adab boy-man. Too bad. Don’t ask a boy to do a man’s job. It’s as simple as that. He doesn’t know how, and she has no heart except for the fire to which she is headed.
Once again I remind the sisters that 2/3rds of the people of hell are women and these because they did not respect or regard their husbands with due honor according to Allah’s command and the Prophet’s advisement … it’s as simple as that and this woman is a very typical example of such self-centered narcissism and passive aggression, the very antithesis of Islam. She might as well be a good Catholic and set up an altar to self-worship, because in the eyes of Allah, that’s what it amounts to.
The husband is a typical example of the loss of wisdom and knowledge that is now endemic in the ummah. ‘Tis a pity, but the man has never been taught how to love and how to manage a woman. He hasn’t clue. So much for Islam’s superiority when it is judged buy such an abysmal failure as this by anyone looking on from the inside or outside.
Get out sister …. cut your loses and start over. At this point, neither marriage has any chance of success and both are doomed to futility. When you leave him, his love for her will dissolve and his own manhood will then be called into question when he looks in the mirror of regret. The trial has nothing to do with you at all, but may well teach him how stupid he’s been.
And whatever lessons you will learn from this will run deep, but do not let them run against Polygyny or Islam, but rather realize the depth of ignorance to which today’s Muslims have fallen and hence have degraded both themselves and their religion by such total human and social incompetence.
May Allah have mercy on us.
Salaam,
dr Omar
2 januar, 2010 på 6:26 PM
Islam dr. Omar.
I thank u 4 ur words and ur wisdom as this is something I have been and am struggling with. I know that Allah is not a God of confusion and all I have been is confused from the onset but I kept hoping that it would pass and give birth to clarity and a beautiful communal collective household that we could be living examples of the polygynous model ordained by the Great God of the Universe.
I now am free of illusions about what it is and am convinced that 2 years of my life is long enough. 2 years should have been ample adjustment and structuring time, but the situation has not improved in this time but only gotten worse.
Now I am detaching myself and have made it known. He is actively trying to bring my heart and mind back as in a time before when I attempted to leave so I am currently seeking a third party to help us dissolve what essentially was never valid, we did not have a witness, a contract, a structure or agreement and I entered without an extensive background in Islam and had no Wali (protection) as my parents are Christian and I have no moslem family or friends that I think would be a good Wali.
I appreciate any prayers and well wishes. Please pray to Allah to help bring me through this separation and to mend all hearts involved.
Peace and Blessings to all readers and participators in this discussion. Especially those who seek divine truth.
2 januar, 2010 på 6:53 PM
Islam Ana,
I have been reading and trying to play catch up to date with your posts and the situation saddens me. your story helps me to try to understand better some of the emotions that my “co-wife”/#1 was dealing with and why she directed the negative energy towards myself. I however can not condone her behavior because she never knew me before she began her negative campaign towards me. I was trying to reach out to her for a time and she did not communicate with me in a civil way for a long time until she was “good and ready,” I resented that. She seemed to want everything on her terms but even her attempt at expressing was un-Islamic and just foul. When she did get to know and accept me she admitted that I was a good choice for a second wife and we did share some good moments but as I’ve mentioned before the good times would always be short lived over some non-issue petty thing that she would find fault with to open the door to what we thought were resolved issues and larder my status as the bad guy who was ruining her family. Its like she is bipolar and I gave more than reasonable slack for the possibility or what I established as fact that she was not mentally stable and I needed to help my sister and not take things to heart because she is sick. We tried to help her heal mentally time and time again but I think that one or the other began to affect the other negatively with the two of them because they both had fits of irrational behavior. and whatever shaytanic spirit is in their midst has tried to begin work on me and I refuse to let it go any further.
My point her is that maybe you should try to get to know Carolinah before disliking and trying to replace her. This was done to me by #1, although covertly, I knew her motivation was to find a basis on which I had to be “skilt” according to Islamic law instead of teaching her little sister how to be a better Islamic woman. I was always a woman of true and high moral standards as I had an extensive background in the church and I have always been in love with the One Universal Matchless God of the Universe that we call Allah. I only ever wanted to submit to His will for my life and maybe this is a place I needed to visit for whatever that plan is. I will praise Allah through my circumstance and I still make prayers for my estranged family including #1. Who knows you may just find out that you like Carolinah and you may come to love her as your sister as you are related by your husband if the marriage is valid. If you find that you two are not compatible you will have more of a concrete basis than base emotions to explain to your husband in the interest of him and his lineage why Carolinah is not a suitable wife for your family.
Your being legally married to your husband is problematic and unfair. Please do not use this to your advantage. the marriage between your husband and Carolinah and the one between you and him can never be equal and co-wives must be regarded and treated as equal in Islam(fra hva jeg forstår). This was one of the first questions that I asked on getting involved because I did not want myself of any unborn children of mine to be slighted should anything occur. I wanted Islam to govern that.
To wrap up, I can say thank you for letting me understand an emotional dimension to #1′s disregard for me and I pray that my words and insight into the emotions and logic of a wife number two help you to be a better Islamic big sister and better Islamic wife. I pray that my words are not offensive and if they are I apologize, but I want to be real as you have been.
Peace and Blessings Sister.
January 16th, 2010 på 8:21 PM
In reading many of your postings i found things quite the same here. i’m living in Egypt with my husband, his other 3 wives and family. Here in Egypt the husbands mother picks the 1st wife and in it she becomes as their own daughter as a Queen in their eyes of which they pretty much reject any other wives so his parents do as much as they can to insure she gets all she can get even if it means his parents fight or say they are so ill, to get him to come and the 1st wife is of course there as she is living in one of their homes they own near to them. Things just seem to always be short sided and all should be treated Equal as in my in laws seem to think im a charity marriage because im a revert from the states and accept me only to a point to allow me to go to their home but not much more. to have your mother in law wait till she has you alone and grab a pic she just happened to have of the marriage to your husband and of the 1st wife shove it in your face and tell you this is his only wife the only one he loves and has in his heart so you need to go back to your own country. I left their home crying and walked home in the rain my heart hurting so much i felt to run away and leave my husband go back as she told me to do and my husband kept calling me i would not answer my husbands calls till he came to me to find out what happened. Yes indeed i told my husband this and of course he stated she is old and has mood changes (høyre) and it has not been the only time she has done this of me but i have some thing for all the wives and husbands also here and i pray Ana lets it through
Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved.
this is from hadiths
January 16th, 2010 på 9:30 PM
As Salaamu Alaikum Khadijah Z,
I’m glad you’re back online and re-joined us. I empathize with you about what has happened. I understand the devastation that you must have felt when your mother-in-law shoved the photo in your face, while saying your husband’s first wife is the only wife that he has. All of us want to be accepted and no one likes rejection. So it must have been terrible for you. The picture you depicted of you running away, and walking home in the rain was so sad.
I know you probably are trying to figure out ways to persuade your mother-in-law to like and accept you. What I’d suggest is that, to the best of your ability, you ignore her. Selv, I know it’s very difficult. We’re supposed to ignore ignorance.
Perhaps things may change one day, Allah vet best, but the way it appears now is regardless of what you do, it won’t change your mother-in-law’s position. Your husband won’t be able to change his mother’s position either.
You know we all must account for what we do. Kanskje, she’ll come around, will repent, ask forgiveness and change. But for now just leave her be and try to erase her from your mind with the help of Allah.
The important thing for you to do now is to find a way to be happy with your husband, while accepting your mother-in-law’s position so you no longer keep hurting yourself. Trying to receive or wanting her acceptance only brings you pain.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
January 17th, 2010 på 12:10 PM
Islam all,
Khadijah Z, I can relate to your story very much although not exactly, but as a sister who came after #1 without the acceptance of the in-laws. I agree with Ana that you should try to ignore your mother-in-law’s ignorance and pray for her and #1.
Do you have any relationship with #1?, if so what kind of relationship is it? Does #1 advocate your mother-in-laws behavior? I ask these things because I think that as highly as your mother-in-law seems to regard #1, she would take her lead in being ashamed of or empowered toward her unIslamic behavior depending on #1s reception and advocacy thereof.
In my case #1 has defended me to our “mother-in-law” on an occasion and my “mann” had done so repeatedly so she kind of backed off, although she never fully accepted our lifestyle choice and still will take an opportunity to instigate its destruction as she has demonstrated. I try to steer clear of her and only make pleasantries when need be. and prayer changes things tremendously so please keep them in prayer.
I will make duah for you as well.
Peace&Blessings
April 16th, 2010 på 9:24 AM
Jeg er #2 (officially going to be in July). I am struggling and relating to Ana’s emotions in several of her posts (even tho Im #2). My situation is a little different where he and #1 have been separated for 2 years for the third time in their marriage. They were to divorce…well now they are not and we are to be married. Majority of his time is still spent with me, however the logistics of polygamy in some aspects is still hard for me to process.
I recognize the jealousy that can and does raise up in me and I quickly (APDTA) shake it off. But I am wondering how the subsequent wives deal with their day to day…my questions:
When he’s with another wife does he still call or talk to you?
When he’s with you does he take calls/text other wives?
How much do you know about the other marriages? Should you know anything at all?
When he’s not with you, what do you spend your time doing?
Det #1 in this situation has no idea about me yet…its a long story and makes this very complicated…but at times I handle this well and others I get enraged…LOL….Im just trying to make sense of it all…any advice would be greatly welcomed.
Salaam,
Mrs. #2
April 16th, 2010 på 1:29 PM
One family multiple households.
Imagine going 3 eller 4 days with no knowledge of what is going on in you house. You would be constantly putting out fires, small and large when you actually got there.
All of your time would be spent undoing what occured in your absence to the point that when it is time to go to the other household, you would leave without having spent any quality time where you were leaving from. Subsequently leaving a sense of “being shorted”(which is another fire). You can never get ahead in this fashion.
The roles of a man in multiple marrital situations is the same as in single. He has to manage it. He can not do this in abstention. A good example is that of a business with multiple locations. If the owner(the most responsible person) did not take calls from the site managers, he would eventually lose his business. Hvorfor, because he can’t physically be in morethan one place at a time. And in this age of technology he can be there in real time, without being there in person.
As for a having “romantic conversation” with one wife in the presence of another, this is unwise as it would only fuel resentlemts. Any wise man would know this and would share this openly.
Please read Reliance of The Travelor the section on marriage, it contains good basic instructions on the matter by concensus of the scholars.
Allah(ta ala) did not perscribe a flawed practice in making polygamy lawful, we muslims are flawed in our practice of it. Therefore the solution is to educate the muslims in this deem.
May Allah(ta ala) keep us all safe from the misguidence of those who would misguide us, ameen.
your brother in Oakland
“pray oftn n much”
April 16th, 2010 på 10:54 PM
Som Salaamu Alaikum, Mrs.2! You asked some very good questions and I think ibemuslim answered logically. It would be interesting to know how others handle the communication aspect of polygamy in their marriages, samt. You pretty much know how mine works. Men, I’ll elaborate again a bit. I kind of feel like talking about it. You asked:
“When he’s with another wife does he still call or talk to you?”
My Answer: Alex doesn’t let me know when and if he communicates with Carolinah when I’m with him. I sometimes email Alex during Carolinah’s time and he emails me back eventually-sometimes right away, sometimes later or the next day. Perhaps she emails him and/or text him, samt. His emails are sent to his blackberry, which he always check, as he receives mail regulary throughout the day and night. I don’t text Alex anymore on his personal cell phone, as I wouldn’t want her to read my texts. I learned my lesson from finding her naked photos on his phone, not to leave text for her to read.
“When he’s with you does he take calls/text other wives?” I think I answered this question in my previous answer.
“How much do you know about the other marriages? Should you know anything at all?”
My philosophy is, whatever you don’t know, won’t hurt you. I don’t know anything about her marriage to him, other than what I found out pretty much on my own about her. I don’t ask any questions about her and don’t encourage him to talk about her. It appears sometimes he want to discuss her and what’s going on, but I’ll nip it in the bud by changing the subject. My question is, what do we really need to know about the other person? I have expressed concerns about her being hygienically clean and things of that nature, as I’m concerned about my own health and well-being, resulting from him being with her. Tross alt, along with her naked photos, she said he (Alex) was her biggest fan. The woman my husband is “gift” to has a sexual fan club, so she says.
When he’s not with you, what do you spend your time doing?”
When he’s not with me, I busy myself in working out, staying fit, trying to maintain my youth and beauty, blogging, communicating with my very best friend in Islam, and trying to get the new marriage site off the ground. I’ll soon, Insha Allah, begin to focus on my other business venture (in the professional field that I was in when I worked full-time). I try to make Alex insignificant. I put him on the back burner. When he’s with me, I try to spend quality time with him, which we’ve been having a great deal of, as I focus on him and me only. As I’ve said, I don’t discuss anything about Carolinah and he tries not give me any indication that she exists. Out of sight, out of mind.
I think the key is to try to have a full life with Allah SWT being the focal point. I don’t want to make my husband an equal to Allah. If I spend more time with thoughts and concerns about my husband than I do about Allah SWT then that’s a major problem. I’m trying to make an assertive effort not to create shirk by making my husband more important than Allah.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.
April 17th, 2010 på 6:23 PM
ASA! Let me just say to Ana and ibemuslim…the words (APDTA) have helped me so much…@ibemuslim I used your example of running a business to him in a text today…very well put and it helped me deal with a phone call that came the other night that he respectfully told me he had to take (it was brief). Nonetheless your explanation made sense and I thank you. Hjem, igjen, thank you for opening your world and sharing…and so freely answering questions…I do make Allah the focal point of this all because through HIM this is the ONLY way I will survive this and make this situation work…..
Mrs. #2
June 20th, 2010 på 4:13 PM
Dear Ana,
I am a first time blogger on your site, and have read most of the site already!
I wanted to say how much respect i have for you. You are trying to make the most of a situation you never chose for yourself, and at the same time trying to be steadfast in your deen. Also mashallah still putting your health and looks as a priority by working out and looking after yourself.
This is all a test from Allah(swt) and Inshallah u will come through with flying colours.
I have a few observations and questions regarding polygamy in this era that i hope u or others could comment on:
Polygamy for a man puts a tremendous amount of extra work on him:
en) dealing with 2-4 different women, their needs, personalities etc.
b) organising and re-organising schedules to fit with our everchanging routines and lifestyles.
c) Finances must be sufficient to fund all his households, so it may mean him working more, longer hours etc.
If he has children with 1 or more of his wives, when does he spend time with them? On their particular mothers’ dager? So he spends a couple of evenings a week with each set of kids? How could this possibly be enough to raise them in a good muslim way especially in this century with so much around us that could lead them astray? A mother alone would find it very difficult to handle this alone for the majority of the week. I know there are single mothers out there who are wonderful to their kids, but in most of these cases they did not choose to be (ie widow) but in this case the man is choosing to spend less time with one wife and her kids.
The way i see it, there is a large element of selfishness on the man’s part to make that choice. The blessed prophet(saw) had a monogomous marriage to Khadija(ra) who was the mother of his children. When she passed away, and he engaged in polygamy, he had no other children with these wives.
I am not saying that kids were the reason, but who knows?
One reason some men claim to practice polygamy is to protect society by protecting women and children. But if they have no time to be there for them, i am not sure how this can be done?
It would seem that a man who chooses to be monogomous despite his mental/physical need to have another wife, and chooses to look after this family in the best possible way, is practising the best form of jihad.
June 21st, 2010 på 5:05 PM
Dear Zahra,
Velkommen til polygami 411 and thank you for your very kind words. I’m very happy you are here and commented. Thank you for your patience, samt. I wanted to reply to you sooner. I was waiting to see if other commentators with children would come forth. Never having had children, I cannot speak from personal experience.
There are many children in today’s society that don’t see their parents daily, as they are raised by single parents or their parents are divorced. Perhaps many children of polygamous families see their fathers as often and as much as the children that are not a product of polygamy. I’m sure there are children that are products of single or divorced parents that turned out to be good, upstanding, mentally sound, members of society. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (Fvmh) was an orphan and he became the best of mankind.
When Allah permitted polygamy, which he created, he was aware of the effect it would have on children, tross alt, he wrote the script
I liked your question Zahra. I’ve often thought about the children and how difficult it must be to have their dads coming and going like a revolving door. I know how extremely difficult it was for me at the onset of polygamy…It was hell. I’m so grateful to Allah that it’s finally become so much easier after three years. Nå, it’s the norm and I actually like this part of polygamy – at least today I do anyway.
Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.