Polygami 411

Here is one well known medical research article on polygyny, written by Alean Al – Krenawi, PhD., a well respected Muslim mental health professional who has devoted his clinical practice to the study of the effect of polygyny on women and children.

A Comparison of Family Functioning, Life and Marital Satisfaction, and Mental Health of Women in Polygamous and Monogamous Marriages

Alean Al-Krenawi
Ben-Gurion University

John R. Graham
University of Calgary, Calgary, Canada

Background: A considerable body of research concludes that the polygamous family structure has an impact on children’s and wives’ psychological, social and family functioning.

Aims: The present study is among the first to consider within the same ethnoracial community such essential factors as family functioning, life satisfaction, marital satisfaction and mental health functioning among women who are in polygamous marriages and women who are in monogamous marriages.

Method: A sample of 352 women participated in this study: 235 (67%) were in a monogamous marriage and 117 (33%) were in a polygamous marriage.

Results: Findings reveal differences between women in polygamous and monogamous marriages. Women in polygamous marriages showed significantly higher psychological distress, and higher levels of somatisation, phobia and other psychological problems. They also had significantly more problems in family functioning, marital relationships and life satisfaction.

Conclusion: The article calls on public policy and social service personnel to increase public awareness of the significance of polygamous family structures for women’s wellbeing.

International Journal of Social Psychiatry, Vol. 52, I. 1, 5-17 (2006)

polygami 411

I blog about polygamy and it helps me. I hope it will  help others as well. I have been in a polygamous marriage for two years and eleven months now. I began the polygamy 411.com blog after I had lived polygami just a little over two years. It is absolutely amazing how blogging has turned my life around so much for the better in such a short period – ten months.  My mental health and emotional well-being have improved dramatically.

How has blogging about polygamy helped me?  Vel, when I blog about polygamy it is somewhat like talk therapy or “talking treatment”. Opposed to going to see a therapist, and having group counseling, I conduct my therapy on the blog.  I talk with people on the blog who have similar problems living polygamy or those who have an interest in polygamy and want to learn about it or talk about it.  I relieve my distress about polygamy by writing about it and talking to others who care about it. I write and talk to others who are in a similar state of distress, or had been there with polygamy.  When I talk with others about polygamy it helps me to find my feelings and the way I think, which helps me to better cope with polygamy. Without question, living polygamy has been difficult for me.

Having a blog that focuses on polygamy has helped in more ways as well.  It’s free to talk, write and read on the blog, opposed to seeing a psychotherapists. Think about the money I’ve saved. I don’t have to leave my home to go to a therapist’s office.  I could have “psychotherapy,” så å si, every day, hele dagen, and not be limited to once or twice a week. I don’t have to show personal information, my true identity that would be documented. I don’t have to have a therapist subject me to medication, which I think often does more harm to a person than good.

Ja. Blogging about polygamy has helped me and I think it has helped and is helping others, også.  Please don’t get me wrong; I am not suggesting or recommending blogging about polygamy as a substitute for professional psychotherapy for those who believe they need it, by no means. Blogging is not a substitute for medical treatment for those in need.  The views expressed in this post are my own and personal.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

I pretty much know how 1^st wives feel and what they go through, as I am one, en 1^st  kone.  I’m interested, imidlertid, in hearing more from other wives, especially 3^rds og 4^ths, since we haven’t heard a lot from them.

One thing that keeps haunting me when I think about wives that marry married men is how they feel so wronged and hurt when they knew what they were embarking upon when they married an already married man.  I understand how a wife that a husband deceived by not letting her know he had another wife could experience a lot of pain and heartache. Men, I can’t quite grasp how a woman who entered a polygamous marriage willingly and knowingly could complain about not liking it.

If anyone, particularly 2^nd, 3^rd’ and 4^th koner, could shed some light on the subject, I would greatly appreciate it. We are all trying to learn here, so we welcome any and all comments from everyone.

I don’t mean to diminish the value of any wife be she 2^nd, 3^rd, eller 4^th by numbering them. It is the only way I know how to put them in sequence.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

I initially thought the “Polygami Club” in Malaysia was not a bad idea.  It helps get prostitutes off the street and taken care of; doesn’t it? Now I’m beginning to question whether the “Polygamy Club” in Malaysia is good after all.

I think a question of morality comes into play. Who is to say the “reformed” prostitute is not still full of abomination?  Perhaps the former prostitute is not reformed and her morals are still corrupt. Tross alt, not all women that can’t earn a living turn to prostitution for income. Who’s to say the “reformed” prostitute, now labeled “wife”, won’t continue to sell her body for additional money to supplement the monies that her husband gives her? How much money is enough for her?

Some further questions I ask:

Does the “reformed” prostitute now become the private prostitute of one of the husband’s in the “Polygami Club?” It appears it’s just a matter of geography. Det “reformed” prostitute is just moved from one location to another. She’s removed from the street or brothel, and is taken to the “Polygamy Club.”

Does the reformed prostitute go from being prostitute to mistress?

Are health risks involved for the first wife? Say for instance the first wife wasn’t a former prostitute. Her husband marries a “reformed” prostitute as a second, third or fourth wife. The “reformed” prostitute returns to prostitution on the days she’s not with her husband, as her husband is with one of his other wives. Doesn’t that present a problem for the first wife or other wives that weren’t former prostitutes, but chaste, as they risk contracting sexually transmitted diseases?

I no longer see a significant deal of good in the “Polygamy Club” in Malaysia.  Let a prostitute decide she no longer wants that profession (prostitution), find Islam, reform and find herself a husband. Then the likelihood that she reformed and accepted Islam is more acceptable and less questionable.

Det “polygamy Club” in Malaysia may have just created more problems opposed to alleviating them or may have just transferred the problem from one place to another-from the street or brothel to the “Polygamy Club”. Hva tror du?

For more information on the “polygamy Club”, please read the following post:

http://polygamy411.com/2009/10/08/the-polygamy-club-in-malaysia/

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

Are you a “secret wife?”  If you are, Hvorfor? Does a man commit shirk when he marries a woman and make her a secret wife?  My understanding of shirk, for those unfamiliar with the term, is associating any created thing or human being with the Creator – Allah. Shirk is unforgivable!

“Secret wives” is undoubtedly an interesting topic. If polygamy in Islam is permissible, why make a wife a secret?  In earlier posts we briefly touched upon reasons for the secrecy. The reasons were: The husband’s parent(med) didn’t approve of the wife that the husband selected or the husband’s first wife didn’t approve of polygamy, og wouldn’t accept it.  Mannen, derfor, makes the other wife a secret.

Firstly, we must assume that the husband accepts polygamy as being permissible in Islam, which is why he engaged in polygamy in the first place.  If a man has acted upon his right to engage in polygamy, then why does he let the fear of repercussions from his parent(med) or his recognized wife prevent him from dealing with his other wife in a fair and just way? Why must she be a secret? Why not let her be recognized, be rightfully known, and be respected as a wife?

In secret wives situations, it seems the husband fears man (human being), in this case meaning his parent(s) or the recognized wife more than he fears his Creator. Does the husband place his recognized wife and/or his parent(s) above or equal with his Creator when he concerns himself with pleasing his recognized wife and parent(s) while depriving his secret wife of her right to be known and respected as a wife in Islam? The husband that has a secret wife should ask himself, “Who do I serve?”   

Who does he fear?  Does he fear his parent(med), his recognized wife or his Creator?  It appears the husband fears his parent(med) or recognized wife more than he fears his Creator when he has a secret wife. In that case, does the husband commit the unforgivable sin of shirk?

I think it becomes a tricky situation when the man makes unlawful what his Creator has made lovlig for him. The man who hides his wife, in essence, has made her unlawful at the same time as making her lawful.  He married her in a polygamous situation; imidlertid, samtidig, hides her out of fear of others when we should fear no one except Allah.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

I am a bit concerned with where exactly polygamy is leading Muslim men, particularly my husband Alex, in the 21st century.  Is polygamy in Islam an obstacle to Paradise for some Muslim men? It seems to me that Alex has added a huge burden to his life, as he now has a second wife, Carolinah, and has the challenge of dealing with us as equals.  One marriage is a tremendous trial in and of itself for a man without adding a second marriage.

I think in 2009, having only one wife gives a man a better chance to enter Paradise.  Life is not as simple today, regarding marriage, as it was in the time of the Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him). Living conditions are not the same. Some wives married to the same man don’t live in close proximity to each other, so the man has to travel farther.  It’s significantly more costly to clothe, feed and house wives today than it was years ago. How do men manage and maintain two households, two women or more, with all the stressors of modern day, today?

An additional obstacle to a man in Islam entering Paradise could be regarding the controversy that exists about when and why polygamy is permissible.  Some Islamic scholars and theorist believe polygamy was permitted to ensure the welfare of orphans. Polygamy was linked to the treatment of orphans and it was believed that men were given the responsibility of managing the welfare of orphaned children. If the men were incapable of doing so in a just manner, they could take them as wives to avoid any unjust mismanagement.

Så, if the above is the case, what will become of the man who married a second wife that was not widowed with orphaned children? Some scholars believe he should have married the second wife to prevent unfair treatment of her orphans. An orphan has been defined as a juvenile who has not reached puberty, and has lost his or her father, and lives with his mother.

Granted, there are cases where polygamy could be a means to help a man enter Paradise, if he is charitable, helping a woman with children, og lignende. Men, truly, I would like to know how many men are practicing polygamy to seek the good pleasure of Allah SWT and how many men are practicing polygamy merely to seek their own good pleasure.

I think a safer, easier route for a man to take when striving for Paradise may be monogamy. I wonder whether many men consider that polygamy in Islam may be an obstacle to them entering Paradise. Hva tror du?

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

I understand some Muslims are entering marriage contracts in which a clause(med) is added that forbids the husband from practicing polygamy, during their marriages. The man agrees he would not marry another woman while married to the first wife.

I think a clause(med) in an Islamic marriage contract forbidding the husband from taking another wife is haram (not lawful).  Allah SWT has made polygamy permissible, so who would I be to add a clause to my marriage contract stating my husband couldn’t take another wife while married to me.

I think it is perfectly OK for it to be indicated in the contract that the husband would consult the wife if he decides he’d like to engage in polygamy and that he would be compassionate enough to give the first wife amply time to adjust to the decision and decide whether she’d like to stay married to him.

Putting a clause in the contract forbidding the husband from practicing polygamy during the course of the marriage amounts to a woman telling Allah SWT that she doesn’t like a portion of the book (Koranen) and she rejects it. It’s like her saying I accept everything you say, but I don’t like polygamy, so I’m not having it.  I think it becomes a serious situation when we start picking and choosing parts of the Quran that we want to accept and rejecting other. I’d caution Muslims to be careful in engaging in marriage contracts that prohibits polygamy.  We shouldn’t make unlawful what Allah has made lawful. We don’t know what Allah SWT has decided for us for tomorrow.

Do we sometimes become like Iblis (Satan), become arrogant and tell Allah SWT what we’ll accept and won’t. Allah SWT made polygamy permissible, so who are we to make polygamy impermissible for our husbands.

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

We know secret wives exist in Islam. Men, are secret wives viewed as mistresses, samt? What are the benefits of a woman being a secret wife in Islam? Polygami er tillatt i islam. Islam permits a man to have more than one wife at one time simultaneously, as long as the number does not exceed four at a time.  So, why would a man keep his second wife a secret from his first wife and family, his relatives, maybe even her family, and society? Keeping polygamy a secret is an issue in and of itself, but what happens when a secret wife is added?

There are men who keep secret wives in Islam as they know or believe their first wives would not approve of them having second wives. The men don’t want to displease their first wives and his and her families. The woman that he wants to be with besides his first wife becomes his secret wife, the equivalent of mistress, as it is a secret marriage.

Islam elevated the status of women and allowed Muslim men to marry them as second, third and fourth wives.  In Islam, ekteskapet (Nikah) should be made known to the public, and should be followed by a Walima feast. Is that not so?  The Islamic system rules and regulations encourage modesty and Chastity and make an effort to close all loopholes of evils and corruption. Isn’t this the reason Islam regard publicity of marriage (Nikah) very essential?  The marriage should be publicized to close all loopholes through which immorality can gain access in society.   

If the marriage is not given publicity, people would bring their illicit sexual relationships also under marriage, thus opening a backdoor for the sin to find access to society.  Modesty and chastity are the objects of marriage and not the gratification of sexual appetite alone.

If a husband does not let society know that he has a second wife, does it not open the door for people to suspect the man of having an affair and the woman as being his mistress?  Does a man that has a secret wife deprive that wife of the honor and respect of being known as wife? Polygamy is many times secretive. Do some people add secret wives to the secret lifestyle of polygamy?

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.

At gifte kvinner, Islam, lever i hemmelighet som første eller andre koner  er en virkelighet som er helt nytt og fremmed for meg.  Inntil nylig, Jeg var uvitende det eksisterer, og er utbredt blant muslimer i Islam.  I det siste, Jeg har lest mye her og der fra og om kvinner som sier de er koner, leve hemmelighet som ”hemmelige koner.”  Realismen i hemmelighet koner til meg er utrolig så er ideen om polygami for noen mennesker.

Hvertfall, Jeg har tenkt mye om hemmelige koner, og har gitt konsept en god del oppmerksomhet. Jeg forstår det er kulturelle forhold som spiller inn om hemmelige koner, også.  Jeg er læring og jeg har en interesse i å vite mer.

Fra hva jeg har samlet så langt, noen kvinner er hemmelige første eller andre koner på grunn av krav som stilles til sønner av foreldrene, i særlig deres mødre. En forelder velger en viss kvinne eller type kvinne for hennes sønn å gifte seg. Den av foreldrene godkjenner ikke av kvinnen som sønnen elsker og ønsker å gifte seg, dermed den godkjent av kona blir sønnens hemmelige første eller andre kone. Sønnen ønsker ikke å disrespect hans mor så han i hemmelighet giftet seg med den godkjent av kvinnen. Jeg tror jeg har hørt det er sagt av noen at “Paradise er ved foten av moren”, som er grunnen “respekt” er så viktig, hvis jeg ikke tar feil.  Dette er hva forvirrer meg.

Sønnen fortsatt gift kvinnen som hans foreldre, mer spesifikt hans mor, disapproved of, og i hovedsak respektert hans foreldre eller hans mor ved å gjøre det. Sønnen hadde plassert så mye vekt på respekt for sin mor, men samtidig, han respektert henne bak ryggen hennes ved å gifte seg samme kvinnen moren mislikte.  Dersom foreldrenes godkjennelse av mate hans var så avgjørende og hans foreldre ikke godkjenner en viss kvinne for ham å gifte, Hvorfor han gifte seg (hemmelig) kvinne? Bare fordi den overordnede ikke vet om den hemmelige kone gjør det OK?  Hvis sønnen var så bekymret for velferden til sin mor, og øke eller beholde henne respekt, hvorfor ikke sønnen bare gifte seg med kvinnen som sin mor approved of? Det egodkjent avotsigende.

Jeg antar jeg bare forvirret. Jeg trodde Islam hevet kvinners status, og tillot en mann å gifte seg mer enn en kvinne slik at kvinnen ville bli respektert med tittelen kone og bli kjent som slik. Hva har det kommer til når menn brette kvinner bort som hemmeligheter, og forårsake kvinner til ta på egenskapene til “elskerinne?”

Er hemmelige koner ofre for egoistisk, manipulerende, kontrollerende, vellystig, svikefulle menn som utnytter følelser og sårbarhet kvinner,  og dra nytte av en kvinners mild, kjærlig natur?  Når begynte koner i islam blir hemmeligheter? Igjen, Jeg trodde Islam hevet kvinners status, og  ga dem full beskyttelse, respekt og ære av sine ektemenn, barn og samfunn.

Jeg bare lurte, og grublet hemmeligheter hemmeligheter.

Her er en video som kan hjelpe belyse emnet:
tvangsekteskap

Dette er et åpent hus.  Du trenger ikke å banke.  Bare kom igjen i.

Polygamy is costly. A vast majority of people probably know how costly polygamy could be without having to live it. When I speak of how costly polygamy is, in this particular post, I’m referring to the husband that actually provides for and maintains his wives that live in separate households.  I am not referring to the husbands that let the “system” pay for their wives or the husbands that don’t provide and maintain at all, the ones that are in what I would describe as similar to the polygamy dating game, moving from one home to another without any financial responsibility.

I tried to explain to my husband Alex just how costly polygamy could be. I can’t remember whether I admonished him before we became polygamous or only after. I was so devastated about he, hun, and me becoming polygamous; consequently, I may not have broached the subject prior to our polygamous marriage.  Nonetheless, immediately after he married Carolinah, I tried to explain to Alex that he was no millionaire and that many persons with one household were struggling to make ends meet.  But no…he thought he had it all figured out. I told him that if things get tough, he had better not even think about cutting me (reducing the monies he gives me); he had better cut her (Carolinah).

Now tough economic times have hit us in America. What to do? I like organic food; it’s nothing new. When Alex and I got married, I went all out organic. I’ve always been health conscious since I could remember. Well, a short while ago or so, Alex began bringing home non-organic food. Organic products are very costly; most people probably know (I’m not trying to insult any one’s intelligence. I’m just trying to be clear). I asked Alex what he was doing bringing that stuff home, as he knows I eat organic.  He said, “Well buy your own if you want organic.”  On another few occasions he started bringing home store brand products.  I don’t do store brand (no offense to anyone).  I’m not liking what’s going on now. Hva?  I have to change my lifestyle because the reality of how costly polygamy is has set in and times are hard.  NO! I DON’T THINK SO!

Alex said to me on a few occasions that he was trying to cut costs in every way he could think of. It was as though he was asking me for help or suggestions. I had none. I’m thinking-look, you wanted polygamy. You got it. Now figure out how you’re going to pay for it.  I said nothing.  I’m not going to suggest he cut anything over here (med meg).  I wanted to say-you need to get rid of that extra butt. But no, I don’t want to be blamed by him, if he does leave her. So I opted for the silent treatment.

Hvertfall, the other day I emailed Alex (It was Carolinah’s turn to be with him). I explained to him that he is to add to my life, not take away. I advised him that I ate organic before, and was going to continue to eat it now. After he tried that whole door closing thing on me (Carolinah likes the doors in her home closed), I’ve began to fume. I advised him not to impose his way of life “nedover veien” with Carolinah on me. I advised him to always remember which one of us (his wives) he is with and what we each like.

Is polygamy costly? Whose problem is it when the husband didn’t consult his first wife before he engaged in polygamy?  Whose problem is it when he thought he had it all figured out?

Dette er et åpent hus. Ingen grunn til å banke. Bare kom igjen i.