Polygamy and Success in Life

Most people want to know how to have success in not only a polygamous marriage, but life in polygamy 411general. The key to success is the same for one who lives a polygamous life as it is for anyone else. The solution is one for all. One must have the correct belief in God to have success. Many people have misled many of Muslims. Many people have fed Muslims wrong information and, as a result, they are suffering.

A Muslim whose religion (way of life) is Islam must believe in the One and only God, Allah, who has no partners and nothing and no one is equal to him. A person must believe in all of Allah’s Prophets who were merely servants raised to honor and Allah gave them all a message. He gave them all the same message.

A person must believe in all of Allah’s Books that contain Allah’s words that Allah indirectly revealed to all His messengers. Allah did not authorize any books other than the ones He revealed to His Prophets.

The last Prophet that Allah sent to us was the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH – peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and the last book that Allah sent was the Holy Quran. There will be no more Prophets to come and no more Books after the Quran. The Sunnah, way of life of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), was the Holy Quran.

The cure for all ills and the key for a successful life, whether polygamous or not, is in the Holy Quran. Allah teaches through it and He guides people by way of it. The prerequisite is that one reads the Quran to seek knowledge for no other reason than to learn how to serve and worship Allah. A person must read the Holy Quran with sincerely to learn and live it, not to dispute with or to discredit anyone.

A person should read the Quran in any language that he or she is capable of reading it in. Do not let anyone tell anyone that they must read the Quran in Arabic to get the correct understanding, as it is an untruth. Allah did not make everyone Arab speaking. He did not make everyone of the same language, color or race. Allah guides by way of the Holy Quran whom He decides to guide – those who seek His guidance, seeking to obtain a purified heart.

The Muslim communities worldwide are in a state of turmoil and utter chaos. Muslims are killing Muslims. Muslims have divided themselves into sects, which Allah has ordered us not to do. We are one brotherhood. Why is the condition of Muslims in the sad state that it is in when Allah has promised the Believers victory, that they will prevail and be triumphant?

One must accept all of Allah’s prophets mentioned in the Holy Quran. One Prophet is no better than the other. Allah raised all the Prophets to honor. Most Muslims today acknowledge only one Prophet (the Prophet Muhammad PBUH), and dismiss all the others. They have wronged their own souls in doing so. Many Muslims have wrong their own souls by making others, in particular Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), more important than Allah, or have made the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Allah’s equal or Allah’ partner.

They have made books, compiled by man over 200 years after the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) death, equal to the Holy Quran (the words of Allah), and have dismissed all of Allah’s other Books (words of Allah), for instance, the Torah/Law revealed to Prophet Moses (PBUH) and the Gospel revealed to Prophet Jesus (PBUH). How do anyone expect to have any success in life when they disobey Allah, and have given him partners, which is shirk, an unforgivable sin?

Allah tells us that most people do not believe in Him without associating partners with Him. They worship others besides Him as equal to Him. There is more material available on the internet and in bookstores about one of Allah’s Messengers/Prophets (Prophet Muhammad – PBUH) than there is about Allah. Most Muslims mention the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) name more than they mention Allah. They can tell you about what is in other books, but don’t know what is in the Holy Quran.

Most Muslims ignore all of Allah’s Prophets other than the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and I don’t know why it is. Some Prophets were of Jewish origin. Perhaps the Arabs only wanted to acknowledge a Prophet who was an Arab, as they have a hatred for Jews. Many Arabs hate Jews and many Jews hate Arabs. Perhaps it is because the Arabs want to believe or believe they are the “chosen ones.” Whatever the reason, the fact is: They are misleading many people, including most Muslims by having them think Islam is all about only the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), and the books (not Allah Books) that they have put together.

Most Muslims cannot see what is happening. Allah explains it in saying they are “deaf, dumb and blind”. They cannot see and it’s not their eyes that cannot see. They follow the lusts of their hearts and they are astray and they don’t know it. They cannot see it. Only Believers can see.

Allah tells us it in the Holy Quran – in just a few ayat (and there are more) as follows:

“And most of them believe not in Allah without associating (other as partners) with Him!”
Quran: Surah 12, Ayah 106

“Yet there are men who take (for worship) others besides Allah, as equal (with Allah): They love them as they should love Allah. But those of Faith are overflowing in their love for Allah. If only the unrighteous could see, behold, they would see the penalty: that to Allah belongs all power, and Allah will strongly enforce the penalty.”
Quran: Surah 2, Ayah 165

“Verily We have brought the Truth to you: but most of you have a hatred for Truth.”
Quran: Surah 43, Ayah 78

“Then the Messenger will say: “O my Lord! Truly my people took this Qur’an for just foolish nonsense.”
Quran: Surah 25, Ayah 30

To have success in a polygamous marriage or simply in life itself, read the Quran in any language you can read it in. Read it with sincerity and ask Allah to guide you and teach you. Don’t let anyone discourage you. Allah teaches. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Allah is All Powerful, All Knowing and much, much more. Put your faith and trust in Allah and in nothing and no one else.

For more about how to have success in your life, read http://polygamy411.com/what-we-need-to-know-for-a-peaceful-and-tranquil-polygamous-life/

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

 

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180 Comments

  • mamahutsana

    June 4, 2014

    Assalum Allaikum, Thanks what a gtreat knowledge.

  • Umm Imran

    April 15, 2014

    Ma Shaa Allah great read …

  • Rasha

    April 10, 2014

    As salaamu alaikum to Allllllll
    It’s been a long time since I’ve been on here. The website difficulties deterred me and somehow I stopped receiving posting updates. Anyways. So much to catch up on both for me and you all. To much to say in such a short time but I will say that my husband and I reconciled. And I’m in polygamy again and I’m ok. 😉
    I want to thank all of you for your positive words of encouragement and you openness. I fault lonely and like no one understood me. Then Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala blessed me to stumble upon this blog in my of my lowest moments. Allah gives us what we need when we need it. SUBHANALLAH
    By no means is this life easy but having a sounding board helps keep you sane and allows you to know and truly believe that you aren’t the only one.
    Once again thank you all especially Ana and Gayle. And billy I think. 😊

  • dk

    March 17, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    Dear sister and brothers
    i am glad to hear so many advice from pepole
    me and my wife just came back from dava trip for this wekeend we was away 5 couple plus my sister to alhamdulillah it was nice to met so many pepole ho ar going out for spreading deen islam well you as you can hear i do try all the time to learn islam for me and my family alhamdililah.
    and i met 2 persons ho are having to wifes and one whit 3 wifes alhamdulilah and are ok whit there families alhamdulilah.
    well i dont need to work harder to provide my nest family okonomikal sport or she dont need to work either i am cabibel to do fainanciel for them both
    alhamdulilah.another sister says she will rather hear men says that thy want to marry becourse of them self ,but isent it that all what u do is to please allah swt and do it the way profet sallalahu alihewasallam did it all other way will go to jahannum so .
    i hope i dont heart brothers and sisters
    when i write all that to u
    But do all for please allah swt and do it the way profet mohammad sallallahu alaihewasallam shoed us
    wasalaam

  • Ruqayya

    March 15, 2014

    Sorry for the long comment, its probably just a ramble. Its still early here.

  • Ruqayya

    March 15, 2014

    @Dk, the other sister is not even married to you yet. It is so easy to accept a hypothetical. Before marriage I was so up for my husband having another wife. I loved the idea and felt not an tiny bit of pain in my heart. It is only after being married a little while, building your marriage, giving yourself to your husband and loving him that you begin to feel pain and fear. I don’t believe it is low iman in the case of jealousy and pain, but more just human nature. I am jealous because all I have worked hard for can be ruined by another woman if my husband isn’t careful. BUT it is all in the hands of Allah and that is what I need to remind myself.

    Your wife is jealous because she loves you and she fears losing you (I am assuming). Many men when they consider a second see all the faults in their current wife and see the other woman (at this point in time she is the other woman until nikkah takes place in which she is your wife.. its not meant in a disrespectful way) as perfect or wonderful. She has not shown her faults to you yet. Please make sure you are not doing this to your wife, we all are human and we all make mistakes, she is not a bad person for being human and having faults.
    My own husbnd did that to me, I was a bad person for wanting my rights and his other intended was this perfect angel who would give up anything to be with him, but I as did the sheikh, assured him once they married her humanity would show.

    I agree with brother Aumer and I LOVE the analogy you provided about the marathon. Alhamdulilah my husband is coming to see that too, yes polygamy is his right but he needs to be capable. Just as any marriage is our right but we need to be capable, how unfair would it have been for me to marry my husband to have a need met but not be able to fulfill his needs. It’s plain selfish regardless of polygamy or monogamy. IF my husband decides to become polygamous I know it would make it easier on me (even though I know it would still be hard) if he gave me a plan and showed he was thinking about it logically. I HATE hearing him say “I can do it..” when I bring to him a problem.
    For example, he is the sole provider in accordance to the sunnah. He is exhausted when he returns home and I have needs that go unmet because he will fall asleep quite early. I try not to hold it against him as he needs rest. BUT when he began discussing a second I said hold up, you are exhausted as it is please tell me how it will happen? How will my needs get met when you’re extra tired and away half the time. He replies with “I can do it/I will make it work and try harder”
    This shows 2 things 1: he is living in a fantasy world
    2: he will try harder for someone else but will not try any harder to ensure I am fulfilled in my needs and marriage.

    Sigh.. he is still young and I am hoping this is just his immaturity showing.

  • ana

    March 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    ummof4,

    Thanks you for the very nice post. I made it into a thread, as you have been so kind to allow me to post some of your writings. Alhumdulliah!

    All are invited to join us over on the new thread, where ummof4′s comment is posted as a thread.

    http://polygamy411.com/how-marriage-may-enrich-the-lives-of-spouses/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 14, 2014

    ummof4 Firing Cat

    Just kiddin laughing

    As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I wouldn’t want to shoot you for anything that you said, as I agree with all the scenarios that you gave. When I met my wali/bestess, he had quite a few Muslim sisters working for his business, including his wife. They were all working together in unison. I helped out financially. Granted, I wasn’t a wife, but I believed in the religion, became Muslim, and began to help out too. It’s why I couldn’t understand how Alex wouldn’t join us – we’re a brotherhood. i dont know As much as my wali/bestess and I tried to encourage him to embrace us all, he wouldn’t. sigh Till this very day, I’m their family and they are mine. I believe in coming together to serve and worship Allah as in a cement structure. His wife, he and I put Allah first. Some of the others have gone their own way.

    Nonetheless, I believe it is the way it is supposed to be in polygamous marriages. We should all work together and be a family. I don’t see much of it happening in 2014. With regard to polygamous marriages, we have Muslims marrying non-Muslims and living another religion; secret marriages; marriages in which the wives abhor one another; long distance marriages with wives living in different countries etc. etc. etc. The ideal seems like a dream or something that is way not tangible.

    I’m with you on this one, Ummof4

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 14, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    This is in response to Maryam’s statement that there may be unmarried sisters more needy than one with a Master’s. We have to understand that money and a job isn’t everything in a person’s life. Just because a sister has a job/career and money does not mean that she is better off than a sister who is struggling from day to day to make ends meet.

    Also (and don’t shoot me for this)

    See new thread for ummof4′s reply that was here http://polygamy411.com/how-marriage-may-enrich-the-lives-of-spouses/

  • ana

    March 14, 2014

    dk & Maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Maryam, you made a very good point! The second sister is going on a hypothetical. It’s not real. She has no idea how she will feel and react if her husband marries a 3rd, as it’s not a reality. She is not yet married to the man and she has no deep emotional investment in him yet.

    From what I’ve heard, many women who married second get a wake up call when the husband starts talking about taking a 3rd. The wife who married second begins to feel the way the wife who married first felt.

    Anyone can say they’ll accept just about anything to get what they want. Once they get in the door and get settled, they then let the person know what they’ll accept and won’t accept. Many men realize after being married that the new addition is discontented. They don’t like what they’ve got and want to change it.

    I’m with ummof4 and maryam about monogamy and polygamy. Both are permissible and acceptable in Islam. I have no indication that one is any better than the other. A man with more than one wife may get a boost in his ego and begin to think he the better man. He’s full of himself. Polygamy is a blessing for some and a curse for others. Allah knows best.

    I still can’t get over men who want to get to Paradise to get some @$$ Scratching Head

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 14, 2014

    Dk,

    I get the feeling you haven’t really considered everything as fully as Aumer has considered it.

    Its not fair to compare the two sisters acceptance of polygamy. First wife married you probably thinking she would be the only wife and has been for 24yrs. Second sister would be agreeing to marry a married man. Two different situations. Also for first wife her situation is really happening. For second sister you asked her hypothetically about taking 3rd/4th. Again two different situations.

    You mentioned we should live the Sunnah but both polygamy and monogamy can be argued to be Halal and Sunnah.

    I think you hit the nail on the head Ana. If the reason is to “help society” there are likely to be many more needy sisters than one that has a Masters.

  • ummof4

    March 14, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum, hello and Jum’uah Mubarak to all,

    DK, I am glad that you have decided to become serious about our way of life, Islaam. Do not let your family and friends stand in your way of getting closer to Allah. If there is a Muslim woman that you would like to marry and you are impressed by her practice of and knowledge of Islaam, that is good. Just make sure to read the link that Ana referred to earlier. There are some suggestions for you, your wife now, and for your possible future wife.

    DK, please make sure that you are serious about being the best Muslim, husband and father that you can be. Allah will help you to achieve your life goals in this life and the next if you sincerely worship and obey Him.

    I agree that there are many Muslim women who want to and need to be married. There are Muslim women who are single and are not really thinking about being married. If Allah has planned for a Muslim woman or man to be monogamous, it will happen, and if Allah has planned for a Muslim woman or man to be polygynous, it will happen.

    May Allah bless us all with the best of this day of Jum’uah.

  • ana

    March 14, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    @dk and Everyone,

    I just want to throw my thoughts out there about some of what dk said. He mentioned that men should help society by marrying more women (becoming polygamous). Personally, I rather hear and appreciate it more when a man says he intends to marry more than one woman because Allah says he can oppose to him making up some excuse that it helps society. It sounds good (helping society), but is it reality?

    We can take a look at situations here on the blog and know there are a number of Muslim men out there who marry non-Muslim women and those women remain non-Muslim. They raise non-Muslim children. How is it helping society? There are still Muslim women unmarried.

    Furthermore, Allah doesn’t need our help. He tells us in the Quran that He doesn’t need our help. We need Him. We can’t “fix” society. We can only work on “fixing” or improving ourselves.

    There are Imams who encourage men to marry more than one woman. The Imams, for instance, don’t care whether the man is in the position to marry more than one woman, or the character of the women, or the problems associated with marrying more than one woman. The Imams simply say get yourself more than one wife (to help society). Some marriages end in divorce because the husbands married other women. How is another divorced woman out there helping to fix problems in society?

    About the example dk gave of the woman who will stand before Allah and ask Him why the men didn’t marry more women when they were allowed too. I think it is far fetched. It is way out there and there is no basis for it. Only believing women will enter Paradise and a believing woman knows she can’t question Allah. Allah asks the questions. A believing woman knows Allah decides everything. A believing woman knows Allah chooses people’s mates. A believing woman knows that no one will have concern about another other than self on the Day of Judgement. A believing woman will only be concerned on the Day of Judgement about herself entering Jannah/Paradise.

    It rubs me the wrong way when I hear people talking about the Whorines/maidens they’ll get in Paradise. Yes, Allah swt tells us that there will be lovely maidens there for men in Paradise. He tells us of a WHOLE LOT MORE that will be awaiting us there too. Yet, some can’t get past the maidens. It’s all they see and focus on. Seems shallow to me. It reminds me of the men who blow themselves and others up THINKING they will be in Paradise. They blow themselves up to get some whorines when they will actually be in the Hellfire. One reason they will be in the Hellfire is because they killed themselves, which Allah tells us not to do and secondly because they took a life or lives for no just cause, which Allah tells us not to do.

    I’d respect a man more if he simply says he wants another wife because it’s allowed and he cut the bull crap with the senseless excuses, which he doesn’t need.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • dk

    March 14, 2014

    Assalaammu alaikum

    brother Aumer
    like u said that it is easier to run marathon but u now that living op a sunnah in this time what effort u get in akhara mor then 70 shahid savab
    and dont u think that it is nedeed becourse of the problem vi r facing in the sucaity.we will be hold ansawer to that to brothers,when a sister asked allah swt why did thye not when it was permitted ya rabbulalamin.

    wasalaam your brother in islaam

    wassalaam dk

  • DK

    March 14, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    Dear brother and sister
    jazakallah for ´thaking some time to anwsar me.
    as i said that i was prakticing me deen dident mend
    that i whant to marry one more or to more wifes not at all.
    i want to marry another sister becourse of that it is neded in this dunya that there are so many sister alone out there .
    I feel that it is a muslim brothers to stand up and solv this problem in the socity.
    It is ok for men to have mistriss and dont fear all
    how com thye dont belive in akhara youmil hesab.
    ok back to me
    well i have ben thoking to my wife for mor than a 1 eayr and explanig here what and why i whant to marry another sister and this other sister i whant to marry i have asked here even what if i whan to thake 3-4 wife what whud u saye about that , and she said that she dont maind becourse that what allah swt has permitet u who am i to refiuse it as long as u think u can be fjer to us all.
    she is vary soncier sister i chuz here becourse of here deen then nolige she have a masters degree in religion islam. i fell that she will be a good wife and a good exsample for others to inshah allah
    make dua for me .
    i me and my wife r going this wekeend for tabligh
    i try to be a good hausband exsample and father to
    alhamdulillah.
    wasalaam dk

  • maryam

    March 13, 2014

    Really good advice Aumer.

    I think being able to reflect deeply is so important instead of burying one’s head in the sand.

    Speaking as a first wife the hardest thing was thinking I wasn’t enough for my husband. Feeling insulted he needed “more” than me.

    The more you reassure your first wife this is not the case will help I think.

    The second thing is the loss of time. Unless you marry two sisters to start with, the first does lose the time she had with her husband. As do children. This may he harder for a younger wife or a wife with not much family/friends around.

    Consider your wife’s friends and family. They can make polygamy easier or harder for her to accept. Bearing in mind they will probably be around her when you are with other wife/family.

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    @Brother Aumer,

    I really like the analogy you gave brother dk about the marathon. Men think living a life of polygamy is all peaches and cream and a wonderful dream come true, but it’s not.

    Based on what I’ve seen of my husband and heard of others husbands from some of the ladies here on the blog, it’s a lot of work for them (the husbands). It takes a toll on the man. They have more stress and aggravation than it is worth. It wreak havoc on their health, wealth and psyche.

    My husband was in better physical shape before he married another. For instance, he had time to come home and go back out to run BRB. He had more patience. He had more money. He used to be able to help his ex-wife and her children and step-children; they are all Muslims.

    I see the wear and tear living this lifestyle has taken on him. I ask myself, if it was worth it for him. I wouldn’t ask him, as I doubt I’d get a straight answer. Many men don’t want to admit they have made a terrible “mistake”. Although there are no “mistakes” in life. He has said before, he made a “mistake” and the grass always looks greener on the other side.

    We all have have our tests and trials. They vary. We all have them.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    @Brother Aumer, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you for letting us know you are male. Maybe I should have known it’s a male name, but I’m pretty bad when it comes to recognizing a name as male or female. happy

    Please know I received your earlier comment with your suggestions and I appreciate your recommendations. I just have to see how I would implement it. It would cause additional work for me, which I am not sure I could shoulder. I was thinking it would be nice if I could have help managing the blog, which would be helpful, however,anonymity on the blog is a hindrance in that it prevent me from being able to have someone co-manage the blog along with me (go to the back office and control the blog and server.) Nonetheless, Insha Allah, I’ll kick around a bit what you suggested, and see what I can come up with.

    If you need to reach me, please feel free to do so by way of the contact form as well. I very rarely check my email, but if someone lets me know they sent me something, I’ll go there. Thanks again for your help.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aumer

    March 13, 2014

    Brother DK, Assalamu alaykum

    Your brother here (myself) has been wanting the same thing for a while, and honestly I was assuming it would be all rosy and happily ever after. I was telling myself the same excuses: it’s permissible, Allah allows it, why stop me from doing something I have the right to do, etc.

    A nice friend who is married to 2 great ladies told me this: ” Akhi, it’s permissible to run a marathon, but are you capable of running one? Are you prepared and well equipped for the challenge?”

    I argued for a bit that I was ready of course (we men are always ready, right?) Yet upon reading some of the challenges and trials others have endured, I think running a marathon is a bit easier happy

    Make sure to read through some of the experiences here and look at the most challenging examples. Ma’sha’Allah some sisters here have great experiences to learn from, but seems like many also have gone through many challenges that we should absorb and understand.

    To make sure you’re not underestimating the challenges, start by an Istikhara prayer (guidance prayer) and ask Allah swt for guidance and help. Repeat it several times over the next few weeks, and make sure you’re sincere and honest.

    Next, plan everything properly:
    1- How much will you spend on each household
    2- How much kids you currently have and how much time are you giving each one?
    3- Do you have the time to give to your new household without being absent from your current one?
    4- How will you handle conflicts? Are you wise enough? Is your future wife as wise? Is your current wife going to be helpful?
    5- Read Sr Ana’s experience and how she used to wake up her hubs in the middle of the night, can you take that and carry on with your life?
    6- Will your work/job be affected if you need to spend more time with your wives? Do you have a flexible schedule?

    Ask yourself the tough questions, and be sincere in answering them. You don’t need to convince anyone but yourself, because that’s who you’ll be talking to when you succeed, or – God forbid – if you fail.

    Finally, my advise would be to have both wives accepting this new life before moving forward. If that means you need to work with your wife and convince her, then be it. She will respect you much more, and that will reflect on how healthy your overall life quality will be.

    I ask Allah to help you and guide your way to what pleases Him, and make you happy and satisfied in this dunya and the hereafter.

    Adam

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    Insha Allah, no one’s comments went into spam. I just realized there are 883 comments in the spam queue. Every now and again a legitimate comment ends up there. I’m going to delete them all without checking them, as I don’t have time to look through all of them.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 13, 2014

    Dk,

    It also wouldn’t be fair on your second wife to marry her in secret. I believe Allah expects marriages to be open and known to protect women. That’s why we have walimas too so the marriage is known in the community.

    If you married secretly how can the first wife have her fair share of nights, income etc?

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    As Salaam Alaikum & Peace to All,

    dk & Everyone

    In a comment to dk below, I erred. I put we should make our “decisions” and put our faith and trust in Allah. We make no “decisions”. Allah decides. I will go back and change it to make our “intentions” and put our faith and trust in Allah.

    dk,

    It could be that you have a desire to have a wife who is going in the same direction as you. Could it be you are outgrowing your current wife? Allah knows best.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    @dk,

    Here is a link to the article that ummof4 wrote that should be helpful to you should you seek out another wife:

    http://polygamy411.com/advice-on-how-a-muslim-man-should-approach-a-polygamous-marriage/

    @maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you for suggesting I put the link here happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    dk,

    Yes, polygamy is extremely difficult for a woman. It’s extremely painful. It hurts badly. In fact, it feels like what I would imagine hell on earth to be. Why? It’s because of what is in the woman’s heart. Why should she dislike what Allah permits? Why should she not want another sister-in-faith to have a husband? Is it because of the good in her? No. It is because of the evil in her. How do I know? Because Allah lets us know why we suffer in this life. I know, as well, because I’ve been there and done that. I suffered because of the ill in me. I don’t suffer anymore because I learned I have to put Allah swt first above anyone and anything and realize my purpose on this planet.

    Don’t put your wife, children or anyone above Allah swt. Allah’s says:

    “O ye who believe! Truly, among your wives and your children are (some that are) enemies to yourselves: so beware of them! But if ye forgive and overlook, and cover up (their faults), verily Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” Quran: Surah 64, Ayah 14

    “Your riches and your children may be but a trial: but in the Presence of Allah, is the highest, Reward.” Quran: Surah 64, Ayah 15

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 13, 2014

    Salam alaikum dk,

    Ana, ummof3 posted a great reply on the last thread i think, giving some advice to people thinking of polygamy?

    I think that would be beneficial to dk.

    My thoughts, increasing your iman and polygamy are 2 seperate things. I don’t think it’s fair on people in monogamy to say “my faith is growing stronger so I want polygamy”. I know plenty of people with very strong faith in monogamy.

    Consider the benefits but also the difficulties that may arise. Polygamy is a test for the husband as well as the wives (and children maybe).

    Consider what qualities to look for in a potential second wife. Allah tells us in Quran what to look for. Personally I’d prefer my husband choose a sister I would be compatible with, but maybe he wants different?

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    dk, As Salaamu Alaikum

    About you marrying another woman, you have to remember that Allah swt put that desire in your heart for another woman. He, Allah, God, who permits polygamy for men has placed the desire for another wife in your heart. Whether He will give you another wife or not is left to be seen. You shouldn’t feel guilty or bad for wanting to do what Allah has given men permission to do.

    You have to realize that your wife has already shown you and told you that she does not like the direction in which your life is going and she does not want you to have another wife. You have done what Allah tells us in the Holy Quran; He tells us to conduct all of our affairs with mutual consultation. You have discussed the matter with her. It is all you are required to do. Let her know that you desire another wife and you may, Insha Allah, marry another. You do not need her to agree or consent, say yea or nay.

    You have seen no spiritual growth in her, and she does not like the spiritual growth in you, so if you wait for her permission, you may never have another wife. Even women who think they are righteous, pious and devout don’t readily accept polygamy.

    You have to ask yourself whether you will put your wife above Allah. You don’t need your wife’s permission/consent to do what Allah has permitted men to do. Allah did not say you could have another wife, if your first wife permits it.

    What you need to do is make duah; pray to Allah; ask Him to make thing clear to you, guide you and help you. Allah tells us to make our intentions and then put our faith and trust in Him about it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 13, 2014

    dk Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I’m really glad you are here. You must feel so good about yourself that Allah has favored you after all these years, and allowed you to live our religion – way of life, so you have a good chance to enter Jannah/Paradise happy What a wonderful blessing from Allah it is.

    The first thing I would suggest is DON’T let your family or anyone stand in your way of growing nearer and closer to Allah. Allah created us for the purpose of serving and worshiping him and it is what you are trying to do. People have told you that you should go slowly with your deen. You’re going at the pace Allah is taking you. Tomorrow isn’t promised to us. We do not know when Allah will seize our souls. This life is short and temporary. Don’t think we have time because we don’t.

    I know how upset, frustrated and disappointed you must be in that your family does not support you in your efforts to do good. It’s as though you’re going in opposite direction, which you are.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 13, 2014

    Dear dk, marrying without your wifes consent will not only loose your wifes respect but also create issues with your new marriage. As much as you feel that you are getting closer to Allah s.w.t. but that is not ths main agenda or ticket for you to re-marry so fast. You need to give your family some time to accept and at the same time educate them too. Show them that you are sincere and that you are also serious about your understanding of Islam. Immediately jumping to the bandwagon of marriage is surely not going to help. Focus on your familys deen and journey first.

  • dk

    March 13, 2014

    Assalaam mu alaikum

    Hallo there i am born muslim and 44 yaers old
    i startet theking islam sirisly for 12years ago
    and alhamdulilah going better and better whit my taqwa and for the last year and half its has been spiding op fast and now my familiy start stoping my all the time that i shud go slowly whit my deen
    but thye never stoped my when i was doing all the bad things it hurts me alot i have been marrige for the last 24 and have lovele wife and 4 children
    have job and avery thing .
    now it start whit that i whant one more wife i can afored it and allstaff of that but she dont like that part of me.
    it is dificult for me to understand this why when allah swt alow it then why stopping me i have ivan told my children that to but some time i feel that just do it and dont thel my wife it and let it go
    what do u sister say about that
    jazakallah

  • maryam

    March 12, 2014

    Also, born muslims have their own journey too. Not just reverts.

    Even though they are born into a muslim family/community they still need to develop their own personal relationship with Allah.

    In some ways certain things may be easier for them. In other ways harder because culture can ve interwoven into their islam. They can face resistance from family if they practise differently. The same way reverts can have family issues.

  • maryam

    March 12, 2014

    My mum tells me that when I was 4yrs old i started telling her we’re not meant to pray to Jesus or Mary we’re just meant to pray to God. She asked where I heard this but I didn’t know. I just knew we should only pray to God.

    Now that I’m muslim I like to think it’s a remnant of Islam from before birth.

    After being given a Quran by a kebab shop owner it was still about 6 years until I was ready to accept Islam. I didn’t actually want to be muslim. I fought it hard actually.

    But Allah guided me. Everyone has their own path.

  • maryam

    March 12, 2014

    Salam alaikum sisters/brothers,

    Some lovely stories, was really nice to read. I’m on a phone so have to be brief.

    Ashes my advice is read Quran and take your time. Islam is a very personal relationship with God. You may find your boyfriend/his family expect you will just embrace their way of practising Islam. You may find your beliefs and how you practise is different to them. Only time will reveal your path.

    Some people see signs, have dreams, others don’t. Don’t feel any less special if you don’t have these experiences. The simple logic of the Quran appeals to many reverts without necessarily having a “spiritual” encounter.

    Read with an open heart and mind. Ask questions. Seek opinions but always consider what makes sense to you, Islam at it’s core is simple and respectful.

    Try to identify islamic practices from cultural hangups.

    If you don’t already just start talking to God, ask for guidance. He will help.

    Lastly, think beyond yourself as an individual or as part of this relationship. One day you may have children, think about the future and lifestyle you want for them. Some may say this is thinking too far ahead, but I say this because I have known situations where a woman became muslim to marry but once they had children the woman’s ideas changed. Husband and wife had different aspirations for their children.

    I have been muslim 10yrs and am still learning and growing Ashes. My faith has gone up and down during that time. Being muslim is definitely a marathon not a sprint.

  • ashes

    March 12, 2014

    I just loved reading all of your stories! Thank you so much for taking the time to share. happy

    Aumer- I really enjoyed the video happy He researched every religion before finally feeling right about Islam. He needed the hard questions answered. Even then, he needed a small push, so he asked for a sign, which ended up being the quote you laid out. happy I could see my journey being a lot like his.

    Mari2 – Loved the story with your daughter doing well on the exam when listening to others around her pray. Even if she isn’t converted, this lead her heart in the right direction. This probably made her more open to the religion and maybe she’ll get more signs in the future. happy

    Laila -how cool that your cat would listen daily. I think it’s kind of neat that you kept your conversion a secret from your husband for a while, since you really made the journey on your own and that makes it soo genuine. It’s reassuring to know others have also faced challenges as i know I will!

    Ka126 – Good for you for listening to the voice when so many other would have dismissed it. Sorry to hear how others treated you for converting, how horrible to have to deal with all of that. Again, I’m just at the point of dipping my toes into it. Nobody’s opinion would probably affect me except for my mom’s.

    Lynette- My church believe in the trinity, but, like you, I also don’t. It never made sense that they are all one in the same. If so, why did jesus pray to his father? Why would one need to pray to themselves? Thank you for letting me know what to expect when visiting the place of worship. Don’t show up in a maxi, just fully covered -check check. happy it should be interesting if/when I go!

    ummof4- So a coworker planted the seed then later on you read the English translation and it just felt right. I will take your advice and also grab an English copy and see if it feels right. As far as the dating thing goes, this is a tricky one for me as I grew up with dating being acceptable, but I can understand everyone’s reasons for only going on chaperoned dates and getting married asap. We are dating with the intent to marry and he has informed his family, still… till then, we are dating un-chapperoned. now that I’m starting to look into Islam, it’s making me want to speed up the marriage process! My head hurts with this one.

    Again, everyone thank you so much for sharing! I would have been writing a novel to reply in-depth to each one of you, but I read every single word each person said and listened to your advice or just felt inspired by your journey. happy

  • Laila

    March 12, 2014

    Dear Ana, the situation is also the same in Malaysia. I talk generally in regards to the Muslims and non-Muslims. The Muslims are following the Western ideas and sometimes it ends up with the girl being pregnant. Abortions are illegal here but yes, some can carry it out but they engage in it with risks. Babies born out of wedlock are thrown in rubbish dumps, in front of peoples houses and so on. Some of these babies survive and some just die due to exposure to heat, ants etc. Now the government wants to introduce sexual education to educate teenagers on sex and so forth. Personally I think its a real silly move. As a teacher, I realize the cracks is not in the school system but from the household / families in which the children come from. When children are not brought up well with good values they engage in sexual activities from the young age of 12… appaling isn’t it. The other issues is in regards to parents remarrying and children in such households are abused, and neglected. The family institution here is very fragile. Many do not understand how and what their actions will result in their childrens mindset in the long run. Many ‘Muslims’ are adopting many ideas from the West as they think its hip, cool and the way to lead a modern life. Many are forgetting that they are Muslims to begin with and that we should NEVER compromise the Islamic lifestyle for hip, cool and fashionable.

    As for npthe non-Muslim women, they have no issues having sexual based relationships. But in the long run,many end up being spinsters because they cannot make their man to commit. I wonder why…. hmmm….. magazines are bombarded with articles on hos to pleasure men in bed etc. We LACK articles that focus on substance. We are about maintaining a hot body, hot sex, how to climb the career ladder, etc. Im am in no way saying that we women should be laid back. But we can do way better with better mind stimulating articles. Therefore I purchase a magazine from Oprah. Its way better and engaging.

    Many would regard me as a nun. But giving in easily only makes one cheap. Theres no thrill to persue a woman. I am also not saying that we should play hard to get, but a bit of morality would not hurt.

    This is my view point about sexuality, in my part of the world. In short,women are loosing out big time. Hopefully they realize.

  • Mari2

    March 12, 2014

    Now I want to share a story about how my daughter learned about the power of Islamic prayer prior to my conversion. When my daughter was in high school, the school had (and still has) an Islamic student association. The school allows students to pray during the day in the atrium of the building. One day my daughter was sitting in the atrium after school waiting to make up an exam she missed the day before due to illness. She was very nervous about the exam and did not feel the least bit prepared despite studying. While she was waiting for her teacher to bring her the test, muslim students filed into the atrium to pray. One asked her if she would mind if they prayed, and my daughter said “go ahead.” She told me that while the students prayed, she laid her head on the table and felt “a calm surround me”. When the prayer was done, her teacher brought the exam to her. My daughter said she looked at the test and “suddenly everything made sense!” The score on that test was the highest score she made in the class all year. When she handed the test to her teacher she said “The next time you give an exam, could you please invite the Muslim students to pray first.”

    When my daughter told me this story, I was just beginning my journey into Islam. But what she shared with me was definitely evidence to me about the power of Allah, and what He can do for ALL if He so chooses. While my daughter has not converted, the experience did open her eyes to the positive aspects of Islam, and has made her more aware of the goodness inherent in Islam so that she will not allow any to defame the religion in her presence.

  • Laila

    March 11, 2014

    Dear Ana,good morning! You would not believe this but my current boy [ cat ] also sits quietly on bed and watches me pray. He sorts of goes quiet and does not do his monkey tricks. So yes, I believe animals also submit to Allahs will. 😻😻😻

    Have a great day ladies. 🍭🍭🍭🍦🍦🍦

  • Aumer

    March 11, 2014

    Salam Sr @Ashes

    I read through the comments from the ladies and their conversion stories to Islam. Great stories ma’sha’Allah! May Allah swt give you the strength and perseverance to remain steadfast and righteous.

    I noticed one common thing in their stories, and that was “the sign” that the ladies received. It reminded me of the story of brother Ruben from Australia. I think no one narrates it better than him. Please watch through it and then contemplate on this verse from the Quran:

    AL-BAQARAH verse 164 :
    “Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and earth, and the alternation of the night and the day, and the [great] ships which sail through the sea with that which benefits people, and what Allah has sent down from the heavens of rain, giving life thereby to the earth after its lifelessness and dispersing therein every [kind of] moving creature, and [His] directing of the winds and the clouds controlled between the heaven and the earth are signs for a people who use reason”.

    Sr @Laila & Sr @Lynette

    Jazakom Allah kol khayr (May Allah reward you greatly) for sharing your stories. Very inspirational and educative.

    Sr @Ana

    Thanks for keeping this house open happy

    Was-salam,
    Adam

  • KA126

    March 11, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum @Ashes,

    My journey to Islam has been ongoing since 1992. I started researching Islam and actually took a step towards it while I was in college. I stopped eating pork and everything. Then my parents threatened me when I came home so I stopped. You can never imagine how bad I feel today that I thought about how others felt about me and didn’t take into account how Allah Subhana wa ta’ala felt about my actions. Alhumdulillah, Allah wa’ataala never gave up on me….. I went out and got married twice and had two children, great career going…. all the while I was truly unhappy and still searching. As I look back on my life today, alhumdulillah, there is soooo much trouble or even death that could’ve happened to me if my Raab didn’t love me.

    I guess you can say that my 13 year old brought Allah Subhana wa ta’ala into our lives, in a backwards type of way. I have a co-worker who I am very very close to and he is Muslim. I “practiced” Ramadan with him for three years and told him what I had learned over the past 20 years of the religion. What I didn’t know is my son was praying and living as a Muslim at his house for his visits for three years. One night at 1:44am, I was crying uncontrollably for some reason, I’m sure it was some crisis…. and I heard a voice tell me to get on my knees. Sounds crazy, but it’s the truth…. I cried out and told Allah that I submitted to his will, whatever he had in store for me. I went on YouTube and searched “submit to God” and I took my shahadah right then, in my bedroom, alone.

    The next day I told my children and to my surprise, my son showed me how to pray. He knew Al-Fatihah and two other Surahs to boot. (Mind you he just volunteered to be baptized two weeks prior, lol) I started wearing my hijab only on the weekends when I went out to get the reactions of people and after two weeks, I haven’t been out in public uncovered ever since.

    As for my children and I, we reverted and submitted quite easily and were very proud of ourselves. But as for my family and friends, that was our test. My father threatened to call Children services, my mother and brother told me I was abusing my kids, my friends stopped speaking to me and putting lewd posts on Facebook, my boss yelled at me and pounded on the desk saying “you mean to tell me that Jesus Christ is not your Lord and Savior” (he got fired, but the stigma from the other executives is still there), my children’s friends made fun of them and called them terrorists, my ex husband tried to get full custody based on me being a “terrorist”.

    Alhumdulillah rabil Alamein…..we faced all of those together and with much reliance, guidance, protection and forgiveness from Allah Subhana wa ta’ala. We strive everyday to show our submission to his will.

    As for polygamy, I view it as another test. Another example of my submission. Habibi is a wonderful example for my children and a great provider. We push each other to learn more and more about Islam everyday. We are free thinkers and research all the time. If someone says something to me that I don’t know, I am not one to take it at face value. I need proof…. as Allah Subhana wa ta’ala has told us to do in the Quran. I am happy that Allah wa a’taala has placed a spouse in my life that is striving for Jannah and pushes all of us to do the same.

    @Maryam. As for step-mothers and the treatment of your husbands children. When the Quran speaks, it sounds like it is just for the men but it is for the women too unless it specifically says so (Believing Men, tell your believing wives and mothers….) Step-children are considered orphans. So the parent is to treat the orphan very very well, sometimes placing their needs in front of their own children’s. Also, that orphan can not call that step father “Daddy” make up a new cute name…. Abu or Babaa…. and encourage a relationship with their biological no matter what. (Don’t bite my head off about Hadith driven, I am speaking of Quran too)

  • ana

    March 11, 2014

    The stories of those of you who posted about how you became Muslim/accepted Islam were awesome. I posted my story a couple times on the blog, so I won’t repeat it. It’s amazing how Allah brings us to Him.

    @Laila, I love the story of your cat. Everything on earth willingly or unwillingly submits to Allah’s will. Alhumdulliah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 11, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Aumer,

    Thank you much for sharing the video. I watched it a couple times. I actually listened to it while driving and later watched it.

    I think the video is good for EVERYONE to watch. I agree that women are no longer in the driver seat because MANY women give themselves sexually to men without being married. Why buy the cow when the milk is free.

    The problem, however, doesn’t escape Muslims. We have seen from reading on the blog that many Muslim men commit adultery and fornication and I don’t believe they only commit it with non-Muslim women. If women in general had morals and didn’t have sex with men without marriage, more men would respect women and marry them so they could fulfill their sexual desires as well as have a family life.

    The way it is in the world today, especially in the U.S. women/girls have sex without being married and it has become the norm. As stated in the video, women compete with women in the sexual department. The freakier, nastier a woman is the more desirable she is for some men. Women/girls now brag and boast about how nasty they are. They think the nastier and skankier they are, the more appealing they are to men. My husband eventually married such a woman; I’m basing what I say about her on what she has shown me of herself over the last several years.

    Only women and men who believe there are serious consequences for their actions and they will be held accountable for their actions will not engage in adultery and fornication. The punishment for those who engage in it is double for those acts. Those are heinous acts. Those acts are committed by those who follow after lust. The acts are an abomination. The acts are committed by those with no moral compass. Sex is for married people to engage in with those to whom they are married. Women would be in the drive seat if they only had sex after they became married, and have the sex with their husbands only.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 11, 2014

    Dear Aumer. Fascinating and education video. Tq for sharing dear! ♥♥♥

  • Aumer

    March 11, 2014

    Salam Sr Ana,

    For the non-Muslim audience that comes in speaking negatively of polygamy, I think this video might come in handy

  • Laila

    March 11, 2014

    Sorry but I have to add. :roll: Islam is a beautiful religion. Whenever you pray and you bend your head to the prayer mat, at that very moment you can feel the presence of love, and awe. Allah s.w.t.is the One that hears our thoughts,prayers, sees our actions, guides us when we go astray.

  • Laila

    March 11, 2014

    Dear Ashes. Here is my story if it interests you. I was a born Sikh, Punjabi. I come from a family where my parents always said that we are to only marry into our kind. My parents are liberal but controlling. I hope you understand that. winking I was never interested in Sikhism right from the start. I went to the Gurdwara [ temple ] because I was told to do so. I had no interest to read my religious scriptures. My life was started off with excelling in school and carrying out my house chores. At a young age, I had to take care of my paralyzed grandmother and another beloved grandmother who was senile. Both from my fathers side. So as you can see I didn’t have much time to myself.

    So I was pretty much whatever I was till I entered University. Even in Uni my mum especially was uncomfortable that my friends were mainly Malays / Muslims. But I had a room mate that was very close to me. So when she had to fast for Ramadan, she asked me to join her because she did not want to feel lonely. Since we were close at that time, I agreed. That was my first experience in fasting. My fasting thought me a lot. Mostly patience…. and being utterly grateful when I finally get to eat and drink. During that time too I was exposed to Islam quite a bit. My room mate used to sometimes tell me off if my dressing was kind of out of line. I come from a traditional background and so when I had a taste of freedom, I went all out. So I also figued out that dressing was important. So yes mostly I would be in jeans, or skirts that covered my knees and not to tight t-shirts. After fasting the first time, I continued the following years. I did find Islam to be a bit rigid but then again, I had no issues. My apartment back then faced a mosque and i used to hear the Azan. Back then I had a cat also and whenever the time for Azan came about he would sit quietly in the balcony as it faced the mosque and listen to the prayers. That ASTOUNDED me. Mind you, he wasan animal and yet his obedience to listen to the azan was like clock work.

    My hubbs started teaching me about Islam and we would have open and sometimes heated arguments about religion. It was quite a while and I did have a dream facing the Kaabah all dressed up. In my working life as life became busy with commitments and stuff, I had the same dream back again…. so the next day I woke up, applied for leave of absence from work, and headed out to the Rwligious Department with a friend and converted. I had always wanted to convert but never had the courage as my family can be quite difficult. After converting, I kept it a secret from my husband for about a year. The reason was I did not want him to marry me because I had converted. I didn’t want such a heavy burden to be placed on his shoulders. He should marry me because he wanted to. When we were about to marry, only then did I tell him the truth. Because my co was creating mega issues by all her temper tantrums, I never really got any religious support frm my hubbs. In fact till today, hes never really gone out and bought me a prayer mat. Not even the prayer attire. He did once because his sister asked him to do so,but its in the wrong size. So my journey in Islam is of my own and with my own motivation. I was not practising for years… till one day somehow I got close to my neighbour. I never told her I was a Muslim as I never practised much and I was a heavy drinker. Till one day I just blurted out the truth. Then she slowly started educating me. Shes like an older sister that I always wanted. Loving, gentle and full of wisdom.

    Then when I joined this blog my faith became more stronger. Whereby no matter how tough my life can be, I just ignore it and leave my faith in Allah. I believe HE is there testing me on my patience and I must be patient.

    Islam is not an easy path for me. Along the way due to my new belief, some of my friends have left me and some of my relationships in my family is kind of broken. My older sister and I just aren’t on the same page anymore. But then again, I feel my life is much meaningful and richer in many ways. Islam is a organized religion. Thats why in many ways I was drawn to it. In your pursuit of learning this religion, you might encounter many challanges, but these trials and tribulations will only make you more grateful of the life you have, and hive it far more meaning and substance. In short you will become a woman of substance.

  • Lynnette

    March 11, 2014

    As alamu Alaikum, and Peace to All,

    @Sister Ashes,

    You asked the perfect diversionary question! Alhamdulillah!

    My journey to Islam began as a child. I had a terrible time reconciling the concept of the “trinity,” and even as a little one, our church’s minister (who was Methodist) recognized that I might have been “misplaced.” (Actually, he said that either you are a Muslim or a Jew. I don’t know which, but you will figure out.) But he did promise me that when I got older, I would find my way, and that I should probably just “watch and pray.” To his credit, he opened up discussions about Judaism and Islam in our church in the name of education. We even had a Passover, in the name of better understanding Easter.

    [I was raised in a prominent Methodist family. They would have had a FIT if they had any idea that I wasn't a true believer in the resurrected Jesus. Mashallah, that Minister never saw fit to tattle.]

    When I was about 13 years old, my High School World Studies and Cultures teacher gave me a Qu’ran as a present when I was in High School. I read it, but for the reasons identified above, I did not feel safe keeping it at home. I spent a lot of time in the chairs in my teacher’s office reading that Qu’ran. (Sidenote: The teacher was Jewish.)

    I went to a Catholic University, and there I met foreign students. A Saudi student particularly helped me to understand better what I was reading. He helped me a lot at that time in my life, and I am thankful to have known him. [Very long story. Better told at another time. But I am realizing that I have been blessed to receive so much kindness.]

    I did not say my Shahadah until I was 37. It happened after my mother passed. I distinctly remember praying, and asking for help and comfort, because by age 37, I felt as though my life was completely falling apart.

    ::Enter the part of the explanation that might get me institutionalized, if told with my own name attached::

    I heard a voice, one that I had never heard before. There was no one else around, and no alternative explanation for what I heard. I heard, “Why are you praying to a prophet when I stand ready to answer your prayer.”

    That was it. I was sold.

    I am not winning any awards for the World’s Greatest Muslim. In fact, there are a lot of people out there who would readily stand in judgment on me; I feel awkward in an Abaya, I don’t cut my nails down nearly as low as some of the sisters at Masjid, reaching overhead to pin a hijab does not always work out so well. When I do wear it, it always looks wrong.

    I have fallen badly, even as a Muslim. (Read back further on the blog. I’ve told my story without much abridgment.)

    But Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed to receive guidance. I strive every day to be a little better than I was before, and I strive to keep my intentions straight.

    I am realizing that Sister Ana’s blog is actually a very popular place. I need to be careful to conceal my details, because if you know me, you’d recognize me here. But the story of how I was guided to Islam is one I will share with anyone, anywhere.

    The first time I visited a Masjid, I wore a maxi skirt, a long sleeved/long waist shirt, and I covered my hair as best as I could. I stood quietly in the back of the Sister’s room. I know I looked ridiculous. You don’t have to come in Abaya the first time. Just be completely covered.

    There will be a wudu area (washing area) in the Masjid for the Sisters. Don’t worry about this. Just come freshly showered, and with clean feet. (You will be taking your shoes off). You will learn wudu later.)

    Don’t worry about knowing the prayer movements; instead, worry about your INTENTION. What is your intention for going? Are you going to learn more about Islam, and about Allah(swt)? Are you going to find your LORD’s purpose for your life? Then, if so, you belong there, perhaps more so than some of those who would dare to judge you.

    And Sister Ashes, I too feel like the perpetual outsider. I have really serious chronic pain and stiffness, so praying in the Masjid makes me stand out like a flare. (Even my specially padded Janamaz does not quite cut it.)

    Sister, just pick up a Qu’ran and read it. I know Sister Ana really does not like plugs, but there is a service that will mail you one to your home, either free or for minimal charge. (1-877-WHY-ISLAM). I also believe they have operators on standby.

  • Laila

    March 11, 2014

    Dear Ana, Ummof4 and Maryam. Tq for your kind thoughts. I just got so insulted I guess at some point. Rafat ruined my day actually. I felt so much more better aft watching the movie, ‘The Holiday’. winking I felt so much more better about myself. I am all out for you to screen negative trolls that come by Ana. Im all for it. Tq though for the cute penguin graphics! Thats EXACTLY how I felt…. love you guys and hope this blog is safe from nasties that pass through. They make huge judgement calls just using one example. How intelligent.

  • ummof4

    March 11, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

    Ana, I love the penguin slap! It keeps us at a distance even though as Laila said, we may want to slap somebody.

    Ashes, I believe you have been here before, welcome back. You ask lots of questions that cannot be answered in one post. I will answer them a few at a time over a period of days and I am sure that some of the other blog sisters will do the same.

    I believe most of the sisters on this blog are reverts/converts to Islaam; only a few were born and reared Muslim like Spirited.
    Jenny and Gail are not Muslims, but are married to Muslims.

    I knew about Islam from reading about it and when I was in college I met my first Muslim, a married co-worker. He was a reserved, interesting man and I did have a few talks with him and did observe him making salah. He was a serious Muslim. When I met and married my husband a few years later, we were both interested in practicing a family religion and knew that we had to rear our children in a religion. We were both reared Christian but did not attend church regularly. We researched and visited different religions, and decided that Islaam was the correct way of life for all mankind. This was based primarily on our reading of an English translation of the Qur’aan.

    This is where I would advise you to start your journey, by reading an English translation of the Qur’aan. Ask Allah(God) to guide you to the truth as you read the book. As you read, you will find that Islaam and Christianity are very much alike, not completely different. Allah speaks in the Qur’aan about the Christians and the Jews and how they are close to the Muslims in belief. As Muslims we believe that Islaam is the continuation and culmination of the true teachings of all of the Prophets of Allah. The Qur’aan is the final revelation sent by Allah.

    As you read the Qur’aan try to observe the Muslims that you are in contact with. Compare their behavior with the descriptions of the righteous believers in the Qur’aan. The Muslims you want to be with and learn Islaam from are the ones with the behavior of the righteaous believers.

    As far as you and your boyfriend. Dating is allowed if the intention is for marriage and you are always chaperoned by an adult third party. A Muslim is not supposed to be alone with a member of the opposite sex (alone in a closed room or enclosed space where no one else can see or hear the two of you). Any Muslim man who dates a woman, Muslim or non-Muslim (Christian or Jewess only) should do so with the intention of marriage and without having intimate relations of kissing, hugging, or any form of sexual stimulation by the contact of hands, mouth, penis or vagina.

    May Allah guide us all and grant us success in this life and the next.

  • ashes

    March 11, 2014

    Salaam all,

    I was glancing at some of the old blog posts and began to notice a few people on here converted to Islam -which is refreshing since all the Muslims I know in real life were born into it. On this blog, some married into it, others came to it on their own. If anyone wants to share their story, I’d love to hear what sparked your interest. What made YOU say, “Hey, I think I’ll venture over to this mysterious and very different Islam religion, which has totally different ideas than what I grew up with, but I’ll check it out anyway”. What was the initial transition and discovery process like for you?

    I’m getting curious about Islam and wanting to dip my toes into it, here’s some current thoughts of mine:
    -where does one begin with learning?
    -Do I just pick up the Qur’an, read things online or walk into a Mosque alone?
    -Should I ask my Muslim boyfriend, who despite being very religious is “dating” me -I met his family and we’re planning to get married but we’re still just dating right now.
    -Gee, if I went to a mosque I’d probably look odd… I don’t know the dress code.
    -How will people react-close friends and family- when they learn I’m checking out this very different religion?
    - How can I understand some of these concepts that are so foreign? Many on here get riled when a non-believer questions what some of you ladies deal with. We can understand you’re being devout and yet it’s genuinely still hard to understand these different ways of thinking and even harder to picture ourselves as ever being at that level of acceptance should life present similar situations-and yet, you’d need to if you’re a true believer.
    -I have never smoked, drank, frequented parties etc. I’m such a goody-goody home-body and yet I’ve dated 2 men in my life, including my current -something my culture doesn’t bat an eyelash to; how can I ever connect with Muslim women who have never been in the same room with a man till their wedding day? I feel like I’ll always be an outsider, so different compared to them…so…bad to the bone. happy
    -I don’t know the prayers they do in Mosques etc.. I’ll stick out like a sore thumb!

    If anyone feels like sharing what it was like for you to learn about Islam, it’d be interesting to hear. happy

  • maryam

    March 11, 2014

    The penguins are brilliant Ana. That will put a smile back on your face Laila!

  • ana

    March 11, 2014

    maryam,

    I’m with you. It’s not the place for someone to come and say they think polygamy is wrong and Hand Gesture to mean Talking Too Much They apparently don’t have enough of a life, so they have to meddle in ours.

    Laila said she wants to slap somebody. We’ll do it for you, Laila Slap Penguin

    hee hee

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 11, 2014

    Yes.

    We’re most beneficial to each other when we spend time sharing day to day things of polygamy and marriage.

    Debates on whether its right or wrong are wasted here (as far as I can tell).

    Lynette, I thought your post to Jenny about her husband losing some of his privacy when other family come is very true. I feel my husband will be in a similar situation, though less of a degree.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    Ummof4, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    Will do, Insha Allah. thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 10, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ana, I agree with you. It’s time for Rafat and the negative, nasty comments to go away. It is taking us away from our main focus -to support each other in our struggles and triumphs in polygyny.

    Laila, I understand you being so upset. To be called a piece of meat is extremely insulting.

    In Surah Naas and Surah Falaq we ask Allah for protection from humans and jinns. Some people are just up to no good and like to cause problems and start arguments. Ana, I ask you to keep them off the blog. Give them a chance, but if after a while they continue with the bad behavior, drop them like a hot potato.

    Rafat I make du’ah that Allah guide you to the truth of Islam because you don’t even speak like a Muslim. To all the other Muslims, may Allah keep us on the Seeratul Mustaqeem.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    No worries. Really. It’s okay. I know you meant no disrespect to anyone on the blog. Enough is enough when it comes to people who clearly mean no good when they come here. Some intentionally come to disrupt the house. We used to have it happen quite often. We’d spend days battling with these people. For what? We’d end up forgetting what the heck were here for. Those people who pop up here like it I call them agents of Satan. Satan has got his votaries.

    I know there are many born Muslims who don’t know,nor practice Islam. Then they want to come down hard on converts/reverts, as though we’ve done something wrong. It’s crazy as all outdoors – whatever that saying means. sigh

    At least it’s gotten better over the years with those like it only coming here sporadically. Insha Allah, I will go back to weeding out those who I know are up to no good when they post. It’s okay for someone to voice their opinion and go. But to come back and try to beat people down is not okay.

    Rafat and her family need to take a good, hard, look at what part the sister-in-law played in all of this, as well. There is no innocent party. We’ve all have had a part in all that happens to us. Children learn from their parents, we know, as well. If a parent show discontent, anger, bitterness, hate etc. towards the husband for doing what Allah has permit, there is no way the children can’t pick up on it. The mother is just as guilty for how the child is as the father. Children imitate their parents. It’s who they learn from. Despite what Rafat and any like her may believe, I KNOW Allah is a Just God.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    And yes Ana, I find it sad that when some are born Muslims and yet in so many ways they are ignorant. They do not take the time and effort to find out what is the religion all about. They do however have time and energy to be so against something which personally I feel no homework was carried out in regards to it. Sad isn’t it? Well I rest my case.

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    Dear Ana, you are right. I totally lost it…. I am going to not comment until some proper topic is brought up. I really feel like I could slap someone right now. This pity party has to come to an end. I am also grateful that you screen comments well in advance. I am not going to comment on Rafat further, its a waste of my time,energy and focus trying to talk to semeone whos from day one against polygamy thanx to their own silly family member who clearly did nkt plan his moves out. I also hate the drama and melodrama portrayed in terms of the kids. My step kids are okay, and they were pretty grown up when hubbs married ms. The piece of new meat term pissed me off. Sorry again Ana, I mean no disrespect to this blog but I cannot handle ‘STUPID AND IGNORANT’. Have a great day guys. 💞

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    It seems WordPress or the company that provides my theme made changes to the blog format in that when I close a post/thread, it won’t display the comments for it. The comments are very important. Consequently, I will have to leave all the posts/threads open, regardless of how old they are, until or unless I can find another way. Some people may reply to old comments. I suppose we’ll just have to deal with it. Insha Allah, we’ll see how it goes.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    Sister Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Take it easy before you burst a blood vessel. I’m feeling you. A wife is a wife; although you know how I feel about my husband’s other. She doesn’t count.

    You’ve got it going on, Laila. You’ve helped me a lot. I love and admire you. You and the other ladies here are beautiful and so uplifting. You’ve come a long ways, as have I and many others here. It’s all good!!! Take it easy. Sis Laila, at least I’m not the only one who could get a little crazy, huh laughing (((hugs)))

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    All joking aside. This is why I screen or censor a small amount of posts. As I stated, there is a direction I’d like the blog to go in, which is forward. We want to make progress. We want to achieve success and prosper in this world and the next. It’s a waste of valuable time and energy to speak with people who are staunch against polygamy and have determined for themselves that there is no good in it and never will be. It brings no good for us to have prolonged discussions with them about it. It only sets us back. Look how much time we’ve already wasted on the discussion. Allah tells us that when we dispute our power departs.

    @Rafat, you’ve got to come with something better than what you’re bringing or you got to GO.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    Betrayal is the idea when a man decides to walk out for good. If a man cant plan his life well in terms of financial. Its his failure and not the failure of polygamy.

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    Dear Rafat. The way you write is very insulting to mr. Im a second wife and no my co and her kids arent scarred. Hubbs provides justly for everyone. You have a limited amount of knowledge and with that you concoct ideas that are so narrow minded. New piece of meat? Is that how u view women who marry married men? What makes YOU the better woman? Because you married a man first? Do you think every woman out there goes out to find a married man? Just because ur brother in law clearly didnt plan his moves well doesnt give you the right to degrade women in polygamous set ups! Who the hell do you think you are? Seriously. What makes you think or feel that polygamy is all about the men fucking? Is that how you view relationships?

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    @Rafat,

    You asked, “How do we help her stay sane and healthy”. Allah gives life and causes death. He heals us. Only Allah can help her. What more can we say?

    You say your sister-in-law prays. Islam is more than just prayer.I don’t know what she prays for. To pray for anything out of season doesn’t yield the desired results. Does she pray to accept Allah’s decisions, for patience, knowledge of Him, His guidance, for instance? People can pray for all kinds of thing; it doesn’t mean they’re going to get what they ask for. Praying that a husband stop being polygamous, praying to feel better and things of that nature in and of itself is not going to get the results one needs. Islam is a total package.

    As maryam stated, you could read the blog in an effort to find information to help your sister-in-law. Other than it, you’re beating a dead horse here. We’re not up for a prolonged pity party. It’s draining Exhausted. It’s the wrong place for anyone looking for it. We’ve got to keep it moving Clearing hurdles As the saying goes, you’re either part of the solution or you’re part of the problem.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 10, 2014

    Rafat,

    You say “because the Quran says so and so isn’t very helpful for women like my sil”.

    There’s nothing more to say. That sums your attitude up perfectly.

    You don’t want a discussion about polygamy at all.

    If you genuinely wanted to find ways to help your sil you would have read the blog with an open heart and mind and probably found something useful.

    It seems you want a place to vent your anger about you sil.

    I’m sorry if I’m being harsh but I feel like however anyone here tries to help you, you’re not interested. You just want us all to feel we are wrong.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    @Rafat,

    You, your sister-in-law, and family should be grateful to Allah, that her husband didn’t straight up divorce her and leave the kids for the other woman – if you want to talk cold hearted, ruthless and cold.You all need to thank Allah for His mercy.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    @Rafat,

    Believing in Allah and following His commands and instructions work for those who believe and follow His instructions. For those who don’t believe and don’t follow His instructions, comes His wrath, His punishment and the utter destruction that He promises. It may seem long in coming for some (He gives us respite), but it does come. Not everyone will believe.

    This planet that we live on is not Paradise/Jannah. It’s not supposed to be.

    Rafat, what do you suggest? People could talk till the end of time about how awful polygamy is. It doesn’t change anything. Your brother-in-law can’t be accountable for what your sister-in-law has taken herself through. She’s accountable for her reactions and actions. Your brother-in-law has only done what Allah has permitted him to do – to marry more than one woman. If your sister-in-law can’t get with it, there is a reason and she needs to take a good look at self. I had to do it and so did every other woman who Allah placed into polygamy. People either pass tests or fail them. No one said tests are easy.

    I love the saying from the movie, “The Devil’s Advocate” – “Pressure. Changes everything. Some people, you squeeze them, they focus. Some people fold.”

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    I personally feel it’s my in laws fault for raising her traditionally and making her believe that men can have their way. She is a very intelligent, educated woman and she could live better than slowly dying because of all the pain and suffering. Divorce is looked down upon by my in laws and relatives. So that’s not even an option that SIL would consider. How do we help her stay sane and healthy

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    All the while the man who is responsible for her and kids well being is busy with new relationship and setting up a good house for second family.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    Thanks Maryam and Ana,
    Because the Quran says so and so isn’t very helpful for many women like my SIL who are suffering and seeing their kids suffer.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    SIL prays a lot and avoids discussion with others except occasional that I mentioned earlier. We too always avoid any mention of things that might cause her pain. Prayers is what everyone suggested her when she used to be very shaken visibly and often in tears. She doesn’t talk or discuss anymore but her health, overall looks are declining over time.
    She is so silent that my husband worries about a day when her silence might break and she might burst and harming herself or something drastic.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Maryam,

    You laid it out there so nicely, simply and beautifully. Thank you for reminding me of it all. Blow a Kiss

    You took me back to when I first became Muslim. I was so excited and eager to learn all I could about Islam and I embraced it all, EXCEPT polygamy. I totally was not up for it. I thought I had avoided it by marrying Alex. Boy was I wrong. I’m so happy to be a part of it now, as I know I have accepted the whole of the Quran. Now, I have a chance to enter Jannah/Paradise. The thought of having that opportunity alone is enough for me to embrace the lifestyle, and want to love it.

    @ummof4,

    I love the analogy you gave of the car and the car crash. It was an excellent example!!!

    @KA126,

    I’m glad things are going well for you. I know you must be so excited about the move, although it could become a bit overwhelming. It’s exciting to begin a new chapter in your life. I pray the best for you and your family. It’s good news about your job, as well happy

    @Lynnette,

    Alhumdulliah, you’ve found some time to bless us with your presence happy It’s always good to hear from you and your words of wisdom.

    @dk,

    Yes, welcome, sister. Alhumdulliah you are here with us. Jump in and join the discussion whenever you feel so inspired, Insha Allah.

    @Rafat,

    It sounds your sister-in-law is severely depressed. Seems she’s has given up. If she gives up on herself, she has really given up on Allah. If she gives up on Allah, He has given up on her. Insha Allah, you will begin to live Islam and you could be the vehicle Allah uses to help her get back on track. Allah brought you to this blog for a reason. I’m hopeful it is a good one happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 10, 2014

    Rafat,

    I used to intensely dislike polygamy too.

    Then i became muslim and still disliked it. Friends said don’t worry, hardly any muslims practise it anymore etc, there has to ve a good reason for it etc.

    I was happy being muslim and believing that for 10yrs until polygamy knocked on my door!!!

    It’s really very simple. Do i believe the Quran is the protected word of Allah with no errors? Yes.

    Is there any end date in the Quran for polygamy to stop to be irrelevant? No.

    Are all the necessary conditions laid out in the Quran and none omitted? Yes.

    I’m not going to argue with Allah because I choose to submit as a muslim. No matter how distasteful people find it, it is allowed.

    Any problem I have with polygamy now relates to how people conduct themselves in it, but not with polygamy itself.

    I agree with you that the older the children are when entering polygamy the harder it may be for them. And I also agree the lifestyle of the first family shouldn’t be compromised (or the 2/3/4 families for that matter).

    I have nothing more to add on the matter.

    Nice to hear from you dk, welcome. And KA and Lynette posting again.

    Salam sisters

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I just briefly looked at your post, as I’m on my way out. I think the problem here is clear. You see life according to how you want to see it and based on your limited knowledge. Those here who are Muslim and in polygamous marriages try to see life and live it according to the dictates of Allah/His instructions in the Holy Quran. You are out of line to come to a forum and try to turn people away from their beliefs. You say no just God would do this that and the other. You are totally wrong. Allah tells us what He does. He is all Powerful and All knowing. We have only a tiny, minute, pea size amount of knowledge. You are giving yourself way too much credit. You are WRONG to say what Allah will and will not do when you haven’t read the Quran in it’s entirety and tried to live it. People on this blog is going in on direction and you’re going in the opposite direction. As long as you only see the negative in Islam and polygamy, it can be nothing else in your eyes. No good comes from something bad. You won’t see anything different than what you’ve been seeing, as you won’t open your eyes to anything else.

    Your sister-in-law is in a polygamous marriage and she does not need any negative reinforcement of her negative feelings and thoughts. She needs something that will uplift her spirits and make her life better. She won’t get it from you. Instead of you helping her move forward, you’re helping her to remain stagnant or worse.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    I totally understand that even monogamous marriages need work, compromises and can lead to abuse of many kind. Any relationship of one human being with other has its own pluses and minuses. The very nature of a man and wife’s relationship, the intimacy, sharing kids makes this relation v different from any other. Introducing a third person violates the wife and kids in many many ways. It’s clearly disrespectful, hurtful and a betrayal to a woman who dedicated her life to the man. Whose body changed giving birth to the children. Now he goes for a fresh piece of meat that’s just disgusting. Is the man who sticks with his wife in youthfulness and beyond a good character or the one the who gets a second wife and hurts his wife and kids emotionally, financially, psychologically and what not. The elder kids is definitely scarred for life and the relationship with his father took a U turn.
    They were living very well and still live well but the kids cannot get what they would have gotten before second marriage. For example which schools they can afford to go, which hobbies sports they can afford
    If the financial hardship happens because of other reasons it’s tolerable but creating more expenses just because you need a new wife is just a bad decision. Also for the wife it’s forced on her both financial changes, being single parent 50 percent time for the kids who are not same happy kids anymore and the pain of betrayal by husband. No just God will allow this treatment of women and children just so that man can have a fresh piece of meat to enjoy while the family suffers badly. My SIL suddenly started looking older and defeated lady. She is someone who generally dreses up well, is very organized and her kids are always clean nicely dressed. She is not same anymore. She tries her best but she cannot hide face overall looks and health which has been affected so severely.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    Have A Nice Day

    @Rafat,

    Thank you much for sharing more about you. It helps us all to understand one another better when we let other people in. I am so happy you are still with us. You are quite a likeable person once we get to know you better. At least, you are to me. I need to stop speaking so much for other people LOL. I admire you for your persistence, determination, and perseverance.

    You are very kind to be so concerned about your sister-in-law. Maybe some of what you read here, you could pass on to her and she may begin to feel way better. Let her know that maybe Allah is testing her with this type of lifestyle so she will turn her attention more to him. We tend to expect so much from our husbands that we forget that everything we have and need comes from Allah. Allah wants us to know this, so we could put our attention where it is supposed to be – on Him. The husband is only the vehicle to deliver to us what Allah wants us to have. I know you said your sister-in-law offer her salats and all. Sometimes we need to be more mindful of our beliefs. It’s all about Believing, doing righteous deeds and repentance, for we will sin regardless of how righteous we may think we are.

    @Laila,

    I love reading your posts. You are such an inspiration. May Allah be well pleased with you for making amends to your mum. We never know when the last time we may see or talk with our mums. I’m sure your parents are appreciative that they have a lovely daughter like you who love them and are concerned about their well-being. I know it’s difficult at times for you in that you are Muslim and they are not. I have to deal with the same thing with my mum. I treat her kindly and justly and spend some time with her here and there. I check on her by way of phone periodically,as well. It’s about all I can do. Occasionally,we vacation together – she, my sisters and me. I have two brothers. I see my one brother most of the time when my family attend an affair involving Alex and his work.

    I better run. I have to offer Zuhr prayer and then, Insha Allah, I’m going to run out and grab a coffee with my wali/bestess so I can get some fresh air and vitamin D from the sun Cool Sun

    I’m grateful to Allah to live in a land where I won’t be jailed for being in the presence of a male who is not my husband. Allah u Akbar! Don’t get me wrong; I am aware of Satan and his influences. I still believe people should be able to police themselves unless Allah specifically tells us to take action as in certain situations. Islam is beautiful in every way. It is not as constraining as some make it. It’s quite liberating…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    Dear Lynette!!!!! 💛💛💛 I was just feelimg a bit grumpy and tired…. and when checking in again I saw your post. Ive been missing you loads!!! [ hugs ] How are you? Hows everything on your side? Yes Ive been pretty strong nowdays in the sense that I am quite opinionated and have my share to also chime in. Yes the accident has left me with bad body aches. I just came home shopping for shoes, I finally apologized to my mum and I too also have forgiven her, ive decided that no matter how idiotic she is, she is my mum and I thank her for bringing me into the world. I want to take care of her and her needs. Just got her a pair of Hush Puppies shoes… in Msia thats the best footwear and has quality. We pay a bomb but then again, its good footwear so good things come at a price. My parents arent doing so well… my dads feeling it financially and I want to work more so I can contribute more. My project of feeding strays is going well. Alhamdulilah. Still not talking to my sister but personally just dont care too. My ex bf has contacted me… and we have been having light chats about work, life etc. Ive told hubbs about it. Hes not too happy but we are just friends now. Occasionally I do miss him. Because he was such an avid reader and he travels a lot, and so his worldly knowledge is solid. He is a good chatter and thats sometimes I find amiss in hubbs. But thats all so far on my side. 😚😏 Missed you A LOT…. I like it when you write in, I do feel I am in many ways the immature you 😎 still a long way to go ha?… 🙈 But all is good and I am thankful for the good life Allah s.w.t has given me.

    Salam

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    About SIL job: she likes to keep the job especially now because husband remarried. Working and taking care of three kids, doing all the housework keeps her busy. Eldest kid has been affected most. He doesn’t talk as much and is nog doing well in school. Younger ones are relatively ok but always waiting for their dad. They get so excited when he is home and are overly possessive.

  • dk

    March 10, 2014

    assaalam mu alaikum
    dear brother and sister happyu to find this site
    may allah swt help us all
    jazakallah

  • Laila

    March 10, 2014

    Dear Rafat, I finally understand why you feel so strongly against polygamy. Just to clear the air, not every polygamous family is such. When a man wants to be polygamous, he should weight all angles. Financial being the main aspect. I also agree with Maryam, that not ever woman needs pity. You cannot use one case and say that all polygamous set ups are screwed up. Thats also in some ways being biased. Another factor I would touch on is about you saying that women from developing countries may like the idea of marrying men from the US and UK. Sorry thats not the case for everyone in my country. In fact, we actually feel that most women who marry men from overseas usually are getting a raw deal. Foreign men are good at manipulating matters and more often than not, women pay all the bills on their households! This is ot a one off statement, but based on facts on actual couples. I stress… couples. Maybe they feel Asian women are dumb and will do anything for the blue eyes and heavy accent.

    Marriages are not a walk in the park. Even today my staff called me and told me that shes quitting. Shes worked with me for years and I just knew something was not right. When I called her and talked, oh God… I was just stunned! This is a non-polygamous set up by the way. She has been the breadwinner of her home for the past 13 years. All her husband does is laze at home, take the kids to school, give them their daily pocket money and thats it. My staff is a full time teacher,works at my centre on a part-time basis, makes cakes and cup cakes, even does catering…. when does she ever rest? His excuse is, she should be accepting of the situation… wow! So Rafat, polygamous or non-polygamous, men sometimes can be useless piece of c***. We can never really be certain of the type of life we might end up having.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    Maryam, my SIL was raised in a very traditional religious home. SIL and in laws believe that polygamy is allowed to men. It’s very obvious that she and kids are affected so badly. Support from others cannot replace what kids and her used to get from her husband. Everyone else in family says its Allah’s wish and my SIL I think feels helpless and doesn’t talk much. She did talk to my husband a couple of times and my husband was very upset after those visits. Only my husband broken ties with her husband everyone else in family still treats him well and gives him al the importance and respect a son in law gets in family.

  • Lynnette

    March 10, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum, and Peace to all,

    I have had a lot — and I do mean, a LOT, of catch-up reading to do. So many topics have been discussed that I’d probably be better served to get a draft of comments together and then copy/paste them.

    First, I see new(er) names. Greetings to you all.

    I have never experienced being censored on this blog. I have written posts that I saw disappear into thin air; usually I write those off to my human error. One one occasion, I am positively certain Allah (swt) guarded me from myself, Alhamdulillah.

    Then, there are those of you I know by interaction:

    @ Sister Ana,

    Special greetings for you, and special thanks for maintaining this space. I know it is a significant personal investment for you to maintain our meeting grounds, and to facilitate us. Thank you, Sister. Jazak’Allah for you. Do try to get some sleep, though. We all have to shut it off sometimes.

    @ Sister Jenny,

    I am praying for your success in Europe. I know it is important to you.

    About your nephew’s TOEFL, may he be blessed with knowledge from Knowledge, and successful on his next try.

    Generally, I try to see the best in people. Whether I am interacting with them or not, I look for what is good in them. I’ve been watching patiently to see how your husband would react to the younger Pakistani family members who might be seeking to come to the States. I can see how he might feel conflicted about this.

    He’s built a life for himself and his family (that includes you) that is very much to his liking here in the U.S. He has found his strengths, shored up his weaknesses, and built a partnership with you that has, by all accounts, been tremendously successful. Nobody back in Pakistan knows for sure how this partnership of yours, or how this lovely family of yours, really works. They are all looking at it from the outside, and we all know that outside knowledge is not complete knowledge. He has privacy to enjoy what he’s been able to build with you.

    Your husband’s privacy will disappear the moment that any of those relatives set foot into his home. The judgments, gossip, and questions will begin almost as soon as his privacy disappears. People see pictures of your lives, and their minds fill in the blanks. Soon, someone with almost no understanding of the world, and how it works, will be immersed into your life. What will their perceptions be?

    I just thought I’d share my idea of why your husband may be holding on to those papers.

    @Sister Laila,

    It’s so good to hear you sounding strong! I am praying that you are okay from your accident. Don’t fail to get therapy if you need it; if you start feeling very tight, get medical attention. Do they have female physical therapists near you? Look into one, just in case.

    The best thing I ever got from a physical therapist was a product called Biofreeze. If it turns out that you need it, let me know.

    @Sister Ummof4,

    Inshallah, I will find a local equivalent of you very soon.

    @Sister Aishah,

    I hope that everything is well with you, and with your children.

    @Sister Ina,

    I have been following along with your story, and I see that the Sisters have given you a lot of good and wise counsel. If after prayer and patience you still find yourself conflicted, consider your choices then. Now, I think it’s just too early to make irrevocable decisions. I admire your faith and courage.

    I’ll be back soon to address Sister Ana’s topic.

    Salaam.

  • KA126

    March 10, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum sisters,

    @Ana thank you for the apology. As humans we will disagree sometimes but please know it is always out of love. In an open house that will happen. It is my one desire that all of us learn, support and celebrate each other so we may in sha Allah be neighbors in Jannah. Alhumdulillah for the break and new topic. It seems I have some reading to do. Masha Allah My job called me back to work for another two months traveling and the family is moving into our new home. My nerves are on edge but things are going smoothly. I have totally renovated the house and made it my own. The only thing left is putting in the hard wood floors next weekend. Will chime in soon on @Rafat and my other sisters.

    As salaamu Alaikum!!!

  • Ina

    March 10, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ana,

    Thank you for your words of support. It’s always needed no matter how often you say. It’s funny how I come across at strong/tough yet I often see myself as weak. Was it weakness that made me agree that my husband can marry another? Maybe it’s how I think some of my non-muslim friends see me. They don’t understand how a man can say he loves a woman yet hurt her by marrying another. They tell me I should divorce my husband instead of putting with it. But how is divorce less painful?

    Rafat,
    I understand where you are coming from. Until 3-4 years ago, I never ever dream I would be in a polygamous marriage. Malaysia is not a 3rd world country and my husband does not wish to live in UK indefinitely. She is not marrying for his UK status as their marriage is not recognised here anyway. I am not entirely sure about their plans but I think she will come to UK for 4yrs on study visa. After that, my husband wants to move to Malaysia. If I choose to stay in UK then he will split his time between the 2 countries. He is idealistic.

    My husband will go against his parents wishes if it doesn’t go against Islam. When he started growing a beard, his mum was very against that because she likes clean-shaven look. She went on and on about it until he got mad with her. I think now she quite likes his beard. You can’t argue with my husband over something which is permissible in Islam. I have to respect my husband for that instead of having an affair or taking a secret wife.

    It wont be plain sailing and I am prepared for that. You will probably read me complain about my husand/co-wife over the coming months/years but this is why this blog is important for people like me. We can release our anger/frustrations here and get support from people who understand what I am going through. At the end of the day, I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my health, a comfortable home and 3 gorgeous children. I am not struggling financially and I can give up much of my work at the end of the year to focus on my kids (and me).

    Thanks Maryam. I am glad to hear that your husband is more responsible now.

  • maryam

    March 10, 2014

    Nicely said Ina.

    Rafat,

    Maybe you are just compassionate with a soft heart.

    However, have you thought that the pity you give your sil only makes her feel worse? I’m sure your family’s discomfort at her polygamous marriage stings her. She probably feels your family’s shame with it, as her children possibly do too. Children take their cues from us.

    You said her husband works hard to provide for both families. Does your sil have to work so much? Could she reduce to get more time to herself?

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    Ina,
    I understand that when someone finds themselves in a situation like yours polygamy is better than divorce. I think in your situation you have a lot if things in your favor. I felt so happy to hear about your inlaws kind support and loyalty to you otherwise it’s mainly a woman’s parents who are concerned for their daughter. The fact that your husband cannot bring second wife to UK is again puts you in a strong position. I feel a little better knowing these. Many men do not go against their parents wishes. I am surprised that your husband took this big step knowing that his parents don’t approve his decision. I mean he won’t be there and his family doesn’t approve your co then what’s the future of your second wife. Is she going to stay there like a single woman and your husband will visit her occasionally. I am wondering if she fell fir your husband only because he is in UK. It’s very common for women families from developing countries to fall for men who are in UK or US. I totally respect your decision to stay in marriage especially when the second marriage does not seem like a well thought and mature decision. I am saying these based on my limited understanding of your situation.
    Overall I am not here with any evil agenda I am here because these issues make me sad and concerned for women. I am a woman and cannot even imagine how I would feel if my husband did this to me.

  • ana

    March 10, 2014

    @Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You’re going through the toughest phase of polygamy right about now. You’re tough too. I hear it in your writing. You may not think so, but you’re doing really good, considering all you’re going through.

    Every woman’s first inclination is divorce when her husband becomes polygamous. What will divorce solve? I’m glad you’re holding on. I wouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face, if I were you.

    I could see if you didn’t love your husband or he didn’t love you or he was abusive to you, or to your children or to you and your children. If it’s none of those things, I think you’d be foolish to divorce and be without a husband.

    You are right; she would have a husband and you would not. You’d be the one who is alone or searching for a husband. Who knows whether Allah would give you another husband soon, after you discarded a good husband that you had. He could even give you a husband who has major baggage or one who ends up becoming polygamous, as well, or you could end up marrying a married man.

    As far as I see, divorce is not an option for me. I only know my intent. Allah knows best what He had decided for me.

    Keep up the good work, Sis. You’ll be okay. I think about what the mother and father of the 14 month old that passed away (the incident Mari2 shared with us) must be going through. Allah swt tells us that He will test us in many ways. I’d take a test of polygamy any day over some of the others; although, I can’t chose my trial.

    Polygamy is about sharing, making sacrifices, accepting Allah’s decisions. It’s all good. Whatever doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    March 10, 2014

    Rafat,

    My in laws are very supportive of me and in some ways see me like your sister in law. They do not want their son to take on another wife as they can see the difficulties that he may encounter with the extra responsibilities. My mother and father in law have chosen to stay away from their son’s 2nd marriage out of loyalty to me although I have not asked them to do this.

    I am also sad that my kids will see less of their father but I still think polygamy is better than divorce.

    There are successful polygamous marriages out there and I only want to do what is best for me and my children. Divorce will only benefit my husband and the other woman as far as I can see.

  • Ina

    March 10, 2014

    Rafat,

    I don’t know why you have chosen to words things in that way and make it sound like I am forcing my husband and future co-wife to be polygamous. If you know my story, you know full well that I did not choose to be polygamous. You read the stories here and you know that very few wives choose polygamy. I know you want to make the point that it is the men who are forcing this on us. Remember, it takes 2 to tango…my future co-wife know that she is marrying a married man, choosing to be a 2nd wife. My husband may have forced me into polygamy but he did not force her to marry him.

    I find myself in this situation and trying to make the best of it. What do you think I should do? Do you think I should divorce my husband so the other woman can have her dreams? Should I choose divorce over polygamy? Do you have children?

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    My sister in law is a really hard working lady. She is a workin woman and also takes a really great care of her home and kids. She and her husband used to pray together regularly and taught same to kids. But then he married second wife and isn’t home half the time. In that half time he hardly has time to do all the religious and fun things they used to share as a family. He has responsibility to financially support two families so he is too focused in saving enough and expanding his business to be able provide for all of his kids eduction. Basically the whole arrangement affected everyone including kids a lot. Sis in law herself never complains but everyone can see her suffering in her eyes, face and overall physical health. She has no time to take care of herself anymore. She is always working long hours and sleeps very little. Well it’s a long and sad story with no hope for a happy end.

  • Rafat

    March 10, 2014

    Ina,
    Thanks for your reply. I don’t have much to say if you are choosing to live polygamous life by your own free will. I wish well for you and kids. Too bad your co who is a woman like all of us with dreams and all but she will have to send her husband off to UK soon after the honeymoon. It’s sad that your husband can only spend half of his earnings to support your side of family

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Ina,
    My husband and I never had intentions to stop excowife from talking with the children but this last episode of her spewing her venom all over me really highlighted for us that maybe we need to walk away from her.She is making Ana’s cowife look like an angel if u can imagine.She is at this point consumed by anger.Believe me when I say I wish it was not this way and I am really at a loss mentally as to how to handle her at this point other than just stepping back.

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Jenny,
    I have really missed you also and wondering how u have been doing.I have been looking at areas to purchase.I have my money together and ready to purchase some properties.My husband and I are just kinda holding trying to figure some stuff out like we want to purchase all our real estate in one area also hubby has decided he wants to make a salvage yard this season so he is now looking for a the equipment to start that business.Icecream season is starting off slow because of the snow but the days we are working it is good and I am sure as it heats up I will be wishing for days off.Did u ever go and try again to get pregnant?Whats going on with that part of your life.Is everything going well with your excowife and stepchildren?

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    The ayah above that you referred to was revealed to let the masses know men can marry women who were married to their adopted sons once they are divorced. Allah let us know in another ayat (verses) a man cannot marry a woman who his son had been married to. The ayah is to let us know that the adopted son is not the same as the biological son, which means it is okay for the man to marry the woman who was married to his adopted son once she is divorced.

    The story from what I gathered is the woman married to the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) son was a very pious, righteous, devout woman. The adopted son Zaid was not on her level. She and Zaid wanted a divorce. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) granted it. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) married her due to her high level of Imam (belief). They were of the same rank.

    Insha Allah, it helps answer your question. Insha Allah, we can all move forward here. If you’d like to join us in trying to get ourselves right with our Lord, please be our guest, but please don’t join us to wreak havoc and lead any of us astray. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    Just to get back with you quickly, I haven’t read your story and I have some catching up to do. I definitely don’t want to get into debating what Ayat (verses) mean. I simply want to learn as much as I can from the Quran and put it into practice. It becomes a problem when one wants to debate the Quran; swt could take away someone’s knowledge for doing so.

    With regard to what the ayah (verse) means, I don’t think there is any question about it. Allah gave Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) instructions that were meant only for him. Allah gives instructions in the Quran to varying people at varying times. He gives some instructions to Muslims, some to Believers, some to hypocrites, some to unbelievers, some to particular prophets, some to to all prophets, and ssome to the Mothers of the Believers (the Prophet Muhammad’s (PBUH) wives).

    He lets the men know that they may marry up to four women at the same time. Prophets, however, are special. The instructions given to the Prophet Muhammad (PBHU) were different from those given to the general masses. There were special instructions for the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), as well. The Prophets were not just like any ole joe blow. Neither were the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) like any ordinary women. Mary, the Mother of Prophet Jesus (PBUH) was special. The wife of Pharoah was a Believer. She was mentioned in the Quran. She was special. It’s what I get from the ayah.

    I wrote this quickly, so please forgive any errors. Got to get back to attend to Alex winking

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    March 9, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to all,

    Ina, I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well. You have shown a lot of growth and faith in Allah in the short time that you have been on this blog. Hang around, we can earn much from each other.

    Rafat, when we Muslim women who are involved in polygynous marriages state that we are happy or content and not miserable or abused, it seems as if you don’t even read the comments. You say that you want a discussion, but your comments are more like a long monologue against polygyny. You say you are Muslim, but you have said that you will not obey Allah if what Allah commands does not make sense to you.

    I, for one, will not debate Qur’aan with you. You seem determined to turn everyone on this blog against polygyny or at least determined to try to make the women here doubt the choices they have made in life.

    I. and many of the sisters on this blog, are not blind followers. We are thinkers, but we are also believers in Allah and what Allah has revealed to mankind. We are servants of Allah and try to obey Him to the best of our ability, which means not always doing what we want or feel, but doing what Allah has commanded.

    I am sorry that your husband’s sister felt pain in polygyny, I don’t. This and other negative experiences that you may know of should not make you fight against polygyny. Do you know anyone who has ever been injured or killed in a car crash? If so, are you on a campaign to outlaw cars? I don’t think so.

    One last note, Zaid ibn Harith was not the son of Prophet Muhammad. He was a freed slave of the Prophet whom the Prophet treated like a son. So, when the Prophet married Zaynab bint Jahsh after she and Zaid were divorced, he was not marrying his ex daughter-in-law.

    May Allah help us all to serve Him properly.

  • Ina

    March 9, 2014

    @ Gail,

    I think it’s ok for your exco wife to befriend her kids on facebook. No matter how much love you give her children, it’s will not be the same as it would be coming from their biological mother. If they think she’s abandoned them then that can’t be good for their mental health. It’s very hard for kids to understand and come to terms with why their mother abandoned them. Your husband does not have to speak to her but she should be allowed to communicate with her kids. May be I am not understand the whole situation…it all seems very confusing with all the family drama.

    BTW, my SIL is married to a Pakistani man. She had a lot of problems with the MIL. My husband think it’s their bad treatment of his sister which caused health problems with her 4th child. She did not have a normal pregnancy, bleeding a lot but amazingly she did not lose the baby. Husband/MIL did not believe her, thought she was acting up to gain sympathy during pregnancy. It was only when my SIL bled heavily in bed one day and they saw for themselves that large pool of blood that they changed and started to treat her better. Her baby is now 2yrs old, lots of problems, in and out of hospital, many operations. That is my SIL’s test. I’ll take polygamy as my test any day.

  • Ina

    March 9, 2014

    Assalamualaikum everyone,

    I am taking a short break from work to catch on all the comments. Things sure do move quickly on this blog.

    @ Rafat, Thank you for asking about me…I am doing ok at the moment, alhamdulillah. I may given you the wrong about my situation and if so, may Allah forgive me. Firstly, I am not being abused and secondly, my husband has not abandoned his family in order to pursue another marriage. Thank you for your concern.

    The 2nd wife will not be a legal wife in UK, only in Malaysia. Why did I agree to it? Well, he does not need my permission really but he did seek it. In doing so, he gave up a woman he wanted to marry 3 yrs ago. That proved his love for me…something I am liable to forget when I am not feeling so good about things. It’s not easy when your husband is with someone else but I cannot dispute with is what permissible in the Quran,

    As a convert, I looked for things in the Quran, in Islam to make me believe. You, as a born “muslim”, are looking for things to disbelieve. Anti-islam commentators can take many ayahs from the Quran and make it sound bad. There are probably many early islamic sources who say Muhammad is this and that to try discredit him. How can you be sure that these sources are correct? Are you choosing to believe in a few comments made by some unknown/unimportant person over what is said in the Quran? In doing so, you would have to disbelief the whole book and stop calling yourself a muslim. I don’t mean to have a go at you and I know you are probably just feeling bad to hear about the pain and suffering many woman go through due to polygamy. As Ana says, this life is a test and I can think of a much worse test than this for me which would be my children. May Allah guide them and protect them always.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    Ana,
    Please take your time. No hurry at all and I wouldn’t want to take up your personal time.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    I don’t follow things blindly. I am just curious what you learn from and think about what I have cited from Quran. You always emphasize on learning from Quran

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    Rafat,

    I spoke too quickly. I didn’t read your other post before I responded. I’m in the middle of things with Alex so I’m jumping back and forth here.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    Just a little bit about myself. I am married to a muslim born man who as a teenager decided to not follow Islam at all but later on developed better understanding and maturity. Both of us do not believd in blindly following what’s written or preached.

    My husband saw his elder sister suffer. She is married to a Muslim man well respected in their community. My husband doesn’t talk to him after his second marriage. He was a teenager and couldn’t do much to help his sister at that time.
    His second sisters husband also indicated interest in second marriage. By then my husband was adult. He had a good man to man private conversation with his brother in law and nobody ever heard anything about his desire for second marriage since then!

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I know no one learns anything when they go to the Quran to find information to dispute about. You said you are not a religious person, so what is your reason for citing Ayat from the Quran here?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    No offence or attack on your lifestyle choice I have no right to judge you because you all have faced what I may not ever face. I jut want a healthy discussion and maybe you all will have some answers which most learned men could not provide

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    Also what you all think about this
    But the capstone of these “special” marriages occurs when Muhammad also marries the ex-wife (Zainab) of his adopted son (Zaid). His son-in-law divorced her with the prophet lurking in the background. In fact, early Islamic sources say that Muhammad caught a glimpse of his daughter-in-law in a state of undress, and he desired her. Once the divorce is final, Allah reveals to him that this marriage between father-in-law and daughter-in-law is legal and moral in Sura 33:36-44. Did this revelation come from Allah or Muhammad?

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    Just wondering what you all have to say about this. The Quran in Sura 33:50 grants Muhammad wide latitude in his marriages:

    O Prophet, We have made lawful to you those of your wives, whose dowers you have paid, and those women who come into your possession out of the slave-girls granted by Allah, and the daughters of your paternal uncles and aunts, and of your maternal uncles and aunts, who have migrated with you, and the believing woman who gives herself to the Prophet, if the Prophet may desire her. This privilege is for you only, not for the other believers . . . .

  • Jenny

    March 9, 2014

    @ Gail

    Girl! I miss you when you are not around!!! Sorry to hear about your drama, but don’t tell me you was really naive enough to believe the drama was going to go away!

    I get stalked on Facebook by all of Gujrat Karina, so I know the feeling! I refuse to white-wash my Facebook because it makes someone feel weird. My life is that and if you don’t like it, stay the hell off my Facebook. I do keep the privacy settings so only someone that is my friend can see them. In my case, cousin peeks when her son or my nephew is online. I still feel bad she had the laptop with all my pictures on it.

    But I came to the realization that you cannot control or change someone’s feelings. Her feelings are her feelings, same with her anger. What happened in my case and in your case, is it was their actions was their own decisions. They could have easily turned their actions for good instead of bad, which was their choice. Our choice is to not have their insanity in our life.

    Auction season starts this month!!! How I wish you could go with me!!!

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    Oh, Gail,

    Forehead slap I don’t know what you’re going to do. It is way bigger than you. I feel badly particularly for her children, as your biological son seems okay. He’s getting all the extra love and attention from everyone else and the other children know it. They see it. It could be why your now adopted son (ex-co’s son) is acting out. And then their dad refusing to allow them to speak to their mother who for so long refused to have anything to do with them doesn’t help. Who knows what she’d say to the kids, if she does speak with them. What a hot mess… I’m at a loss for words. Your ex-co sounded a bit like my husband’s other for a moment talking about how they did the sex thing. They think they could rely on it to get us all shaken up. Gail, even if it were true and happened. When? a hundred years ago. Who gives a flying &^)#) LOL.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Aishah,
    It was easy to tell she was stalking us.She had shared pics from the kids FB weeks before she contacted me personally and put them on her own FB.I seen all this after I added her to my friends list.Also I noticed she was using her brother account to talk to me but I seen on her brother list she has her own account on FB.I guess she assumes I am an idiot and can not figure out who knows.Also she said she was not talking with the family that my husband forbid her to talk with but yet right on FB she had them on her friends list.lol She is just lying and acting insane at this point.

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Ana & Everyone,
    Oh yeah it is for certain she is bitter no doubt.What is blowing my mind though is that I offered her polygamy freely but she does not want or desire polygamy in any form or fashion.Oh she said she would accept it but she NEVER.Her parents proved that when they come screaming at my inlaws to force their son to divorce me and take their daughter back as his only wife.Obviously that confused me thinking all these years she was ok with polygamy then the truth comes out.I gave her the benefit of the doubt the last 2 years that maybe it was her parents and not her personal issue about Polygamy but nope it seems she is very negative when it comes to Polygamy which leaves me upset because I think dang why I waste all these years and time on you just to get this result.Oh now she says she wants her kids back etc.. yet she has not bothered to pick a phone up in the last 2 yrs to call them.Also about her stalking us on FB my husband logged into one of the kids FB accounts on their birthday to see if she would contact us because I was upset why she is not trying to contact he saw she tried to add one of our children which was like several weeks before she come forward and start talking with us.I should mention she only started talking with us after we put her on block on the childs list.She knew I was her last resort of contact as my husband refuses to talk to her or let her even talk to the children or see them on skype.
    I know logically hubby should be nicer to her but he feels he can’t and says all he sees is his sister’s face and her sitting at parents home with her small daughter and feels that excowife is to blame for that entire mess and refuses to let her near the children.I was fighting for her and her rights to talk to the children but after listening to her anger I just got silent because hubby is sitting there saying go ahead knock your head against a brick wall if that makes u happy she is not worth for she is being controlled by her mother and Aunt.
    I should also mention she and her family hate my child and are very jealous when it comes to my biological son.I wish this was not the truth but this is the sincere truth and I can only assume because my inlaws and husband give preference to my child over his children with excowife.Is it right NO but unfortunately this is the reality because my son is mixed and white skin child and very very sweet and kissy child verses her son which is more into fighting and not at all lovey kissy type kid.I have brought it to my husbands attention so many times but he just puts a band-aid on the topic when it comes to his parents but talks very negative about excowife and her family.I simply can not deal more drama and Ana you are so right she is not even thinking to change and posted picks of her children i sent her on FB but not one pic of my child her own biological cousin.It just makes me disgusted after I have raised her children with my own and made certain they have everything and I have never ever played favorites or given my biological children without giving her children the exact same.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I totally get how you could be disappointed in how women are portrayed in Islam. The material out there (not Quran) is very hurtful. Women are being told to serve their husbands or they won’t get to Paradise. They are told they are cursed if their husbands are displeased with them. They are told to give the husband sex any time he wants it as though she is some piece of meat or sex object/sex slave. Women are being charged for a crime when they are raped. Men are brutally beating their wives. Children are being taken from women because some are saying the men get the children at a certain age. All of it is not Islam. It is the point I have been trying to get across here to everyone. People have been so busy with other material and Muslims have been born and raise on it. All of what they are learning is not the Truth. It is not Islam. It is not sigh I’d dislike the religion too, if I was fed that stuff and felt I had to accept it. It’s the only thing I can think of that may have made you feel the way you do. I really don’t know.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Rafat, I pray that you find peace. Reading your posts gives me the idea that you don’t have a strong foundation in Islam. You take what you ‘think’ is suitable, you make judgement calls on behalf of Allah s.w.t….. and you have a very very far fetched manner at looking at matters. If you wish us all to see the truth in things, I too wish that you take up the challenge and read the Quran and attend Islamic classes. I am not asking you to be brainwashed. I am asking you to know what you are saying before telling others off in an indirect manner. Religion is not a super market. You can’t pick and choose and read and then argue about the fat content,sugar content etc…. you are supposed to take what is provided, learn it using your heart, and have faith. You do not have faith…. and I am worried for you, as a Muslim sister.

    My religious teacher told me this, that did resonate to some level with me, “Never try to take on the job of Allah s.w.t. HE knows, HE hears, and HE sees. What you may not like, could be the best thing ever”. With this I hope you find your way in the world. In the chaos and madness taking place, religion is our only refuge, sanity, light at the end of the tunnel. Take care.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I don’t think you get it that the people who are here and in polygamous marriages love their husbands and they know their husbands love them. They want to make their marriages work. Many are Muslims who want to live the life of Islam, which means they want to worship, obey, and serve Allah swt, our Creator. The women here are all intelligent, free thinking, bright, educated women.

    What are you trying to do or what do you think you can achieve here? If you don’t like Islam, don’t believe in it and don’t want it, fine and good. But, we only ask that you not try to take us all down with you. It’s all I am saying. I’m baffled at how you could say you are Muslim and allow such stuff to come out your mouth.

    What is going on in your life? What’s your story? Why are you so bent on turning people away from Islam and their Lord?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Gail,

    I agree with the others here that you’re expecting a lot from your ex-co. I, without a doubt, know how you feel. I’ve been there with my husband’s other in thinking that after all these years (7) she would have changed for the better in some way.

    You and I have made efforts to become better persons. We have made a huge amount of progress. As a result, we expect that others would have done the same, as well. Sadly, it never happens for some people. Some people get stuck. They remain exactly where they are. They make no progress whatsoever.

    Seven years later, my husband’s other still can’t get pass talking about sex. It is all she is and all she knows. Perhaps it will be all she’ll ever be. Allah knows best. I know that if one doesn’t take a good close look at her or himself and recognize their faults, wrongdoings, and weaknesses and work to do something about them, they will always be at the same place. They can’t move forward. They continue to wallow in misery and they suffer. There is nothing anyone else can do to help them, until they work on helping themselves.

    Your ex-co apparently is hurting badly. She apparently has no one to help guide her. She can only resort to manipulative tactics, as she is angry, hurt, and jaded. It probably does hurt her to know her children are in the United States and it is where she dreamed she would be.

    Gail, she will not see things the way you see them, as she has not attained the level of growth that you have. By the sound of it, she hasn’t grown at all, exactly the way my husband’s other has not. You’re expecting your ex-co to be like you. I thought my husband’s other would have grown over the years. Things don’t always go as we expect them to. We have to get to the point where we learn to leave certain people alone and let them be who they are. We have to keep it moving forward. Leave them where they are, but we, on the other hand, keep it moving… Moonwalking smiley face

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    It’s ok if you all are want to follow what men conspired for all muslim women to do. May you all see the truth in this life or hereafter. I will not post my views anymore. Thanks!

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear all, I just want to share this. Tq so much to Allah s.w.t. for all of us on this blog. We support one another and we care and we remind each other. My life and personal perspectives have truly changed with meeting you all here. Ive surely learnt, developed, and I am proud of myself. Tq Ana for this blog. Tq sisters for always inputting, as we all have our own lives and work to juggle.May Allah s.w.t. bless us all.

    Love you guys!!! 😍😍💞💝💘💗👍👍

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Gail, of course Im concerned! You are my blog sister, just like the rest here. 😍 But you are handling too much drama! This is exactly what happened in my own family. One fights with another and tells them not to mix. One goes against and the rest is sort of given the cold treatment. Trust me, this is an Asian nonsense thing going on. Everyone is supposed to have loyalty for everyone else. Well just let it be then Gail. It is not worth your energy and focus. Shes the one loosing. Shes already lost her kids. I cannot for the life of me, give mine up to others. Not even my cat! Well Aishah also has a valid point. Maybe shes also pissed off as her life was just mapped out for her. Imagine not having a say as to what you do with your own life. That sucks!

    On another note, please check out this blog by Marie Forleo. Shes good with all sorts of business ideas. Maybe you can see or learn something new. I mean I just did in about thirty minutes ago.

    Dear Ana, I am wondering about Lynette. Is she okay?

  • Aishah 2014

    March 9, 2014

    as a person.how did u know she was stalking u on FB?…and fact her 2 kids r living in USA but she not is probably a bitter pill to swallow.well at least you are here and wont need the special straw to protect you!

  • Aishah 2014

    March 9, 2014

    Hi G ail, i think its not surprising your co angry bitter still.in the culteral atmosphere she was raised a lot of things were planned out for her, basically her life, her marriage.it may not allow for a whole lot of emotional growth, in spite of the challenges.she was promised to marry the husband she married at a young age.maybe all that decision making by the family, her family’ s emphasis on $, keeping it in the family, and whatever stunted her emotional growth

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Laila,
    I know u are concerned I hope I did not come off in my post as taking up totally for my husband and against my excowife.My problem is all I really ever wanted from day one is to somehow live in peace with my excowife and raise the kids.As the Great Martin Luther King said “I have a dream” or I should say “I had a dream”.My dream has turned into a nightmare it seems.

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Laila,
    He actually did tell her sorry when he was in Pakistan alot but that is not the real problem.I do agree her heart is very hard now and she is blaming hubby no doubt and wants to ruin his life by getting rid of me.The main problem is family tension in this case.My excowife mother was mixing up with one of her sisters that has been kicked out of the family which is my husbands aunty who divorced my husbands sister.My excowife and her family were told not to mix up with that family but they did not listen and when my husband found out he went insane on her and it led to her being kicked off and her family and my husbands sister coming back home.My excowife and her mother are not sorry for what they did to mix up with that Aunt and now they are crying and lying saying they did not mix up with that aunt when it 100% certain they did.It is family politics.I should mention all this has to do with my husbands properties and my excowife wanting to be head of the family and get control on those properties.I personally do not really care about all that although I am not going to lie I would not give my excowife any of my money in her hand because she would just turn around and give her mother.I have tried to be a peacemaker but nothing helps.Also I should mention my excowife is now blaming my husband saying that he gave her dad tension and he is the reason her dad died.It is just wackadoodle.She would never see her dad was demanding that my husband divorce me and only kep his daughter.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    @Rafat,

    You spoke on how I don’t approve some comments and how you don’t think it is exactly right for me to do so. The main reason I screen some comments and don’t approve them (very few) is because I think they are detrimental to the direction I’d like the blog to go and the direction it has been going in.

    The majority of the people on this blog already accept polygamy to the degree they know Allah permits it. Many are in polygamous marriages or have been in them. We are trying to support one another in going forward. Most want to come nearer to Allah. We want to have good, solid marriages and we want to live our marriages in the peace and tranquility that Allah says we should have in our marriages.

    When people come along and say they don’t believe in polygamy, oh well, I guess it’s okay. But when they stay and put up arguments against polygamy and ask people why they believe as they do and why don’t they do this, that and the other when it does not conform with our way of life, it becomes an impediment for us. It prevents us from moving forward in trying to achieve our goals. It’s a hindrance for us. It takes us off course. It’s a real butt pain. For me, I feel Satan has arrived to disrupt things. Are you feeling me? So, with it said, why are you here?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Rafat. Its clear that my points of view is different compared to yours. Im a Muslim and I follow my Quran and teachings. I dont go arguing about its logics. Because Ive seen and experienced the miracle of certain verses and surahs. I accept that men can participate in polygamy as its part of what Allah has decreed. Yes youre right. It would hurt me if hubbs remarried. But it WONT BREAK ME. I love Islam as Ive seen how organized this religion is to me. I cant and will not accept your views as it contradicts with my faith. Its like chicken and duck talking. So its obvious that uve opted out of the Islamic way of life. So stop with the men and women do the equally same jobs etc etc. I dont appreciate it. Im sure other Muslim sisters dont appreciate it too.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Gail. I think you’ve got to give her some form of understanding. In a country such as hers do you think she would be sweet and nice after everything that went down. I think she feels so used and neglected. No wonder her heart has hardened over time. Muslim or not we women can have such extreme feelings at times. I remember wheh hubbs was about to marry me and he suddenly dropped me like a hot brick because my co said no to our marriage, I was so down. I had all sorts of feelings in my heart. That I agreed to marry another without even looking deeply into matters. I wanted to move on and I also wanted to forget. When hubbs convinced me to marry him I did torture him in many ways. Shes probably pissed and just wants to teach everyone a lesson. Your hubbs owes her an apology. What do u think?

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    I meant He only permits polygamy for men. You all probably realized I erred without me having to say so, but, just in case.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    Rafat,

    I’ll chime in here. The main reason women shouldn’t have more than one husband or can’t is simply because Allah does not permit it. He only permits it for men. Of course, those who don’t accept Islam as their way of life will think it’s okay to come up with their own way of life with their own laws, rules and regulation or none – just a free for all way of life.

    About what will cure the ill of adultery, I don’t think there is anything other than that the person seeks to obtain a pure heart. The person who commits adultery commits a grave sin. The problem is within the person. There is no social remedy for adultery. The person who commits adultery has a diseased heart. Their hearts are dark. It doesn’t mean it will always be. They can stop the act, with the help and permission of Allah, repent and ask Allah’s forgiveness. Allah is an Oft-forgiving and Most Merciful God.

    Well, It’s just about time for Fajr prayer. Afterwards, I will retire to the boudoir for my beauty rest hee hee I’ll catch everyone later, Insha Allah.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Rafat. Your way of looking at things and how you perceive matters is not in tandem with mine. I like where matters are really clear cut and I would like to follow whats in the Quran. Tq though for your insighful thoughts. But I wouldn’t take in into consideration. Sorry. Not my type of highway. Tq

  • ana

    March 9, 2014

    As Salaamu ALaikum & Peace to All,

    I had found an easy and quick way to close comments for all the older posts/threads. I didn’t realize till yesterday that in using the method it removed all comments from all the threads. I just went in and used the method to re-open all the posts for comments so the comments would display again. I don’t know if this is a new part of the system or I can go in and individually close threads for comments, but keep the older comments. Anyhow, we shall see.

    The only reason I brought this to everyone’s attention is in case anyone went to a thread a saw no comments, they’d know what happened.

    @Gail,

    It’s good to have you back. I missed you much. A bit later, Insha Allah, I have to read all the posts that just posted. I quickly glimpsed yours and see you have drama again with ex-co. Oh, my….

    @Laila & Maryam,

    Thank you both for the suggestions you made for new post/threads. Insha Allah, after I get up later I will write them down, so I won’t forget. I have a tendency to forget what the suggestions were; although, I thought I’d have no problem remembering. Boy, was I wrong. I even forget my own idea for posts/threads LOL

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 9, 2014

    Laila, nowhere I said that you are weak or all women in polygamous relationships are weak or oppressed. If you, your husband and cowife chose this lifestyle Nobody has a right to judge you or think you are weak. The conditions I discussed were from old times or from countries where women are dependent on either a father, brother, husband or son. I am not sure why you took it personally and why you assumed that people think polygamous women are fat and have low self esteem.
    Main point I mentioned was that the more number of females is not true anymore. Also, Women go out and do all kinds of jobs are exposed to similar environments as men. Government provides support for single moms. They can work to support kids. Basically women have many more options now than they had in old days.
    About the cheating in monogamous relationships. If men cheat there sure are some women involved unless the men are gay. Not all these women are single. So if some married men cheat there are married women who also cheat. So what’s the solution for these married women who are cheating. How about they have both of these men as their husband and then be content with their polygamous life. If that’s not a good enough reason for women to have more husbands then it cannot be a good enough reason for men to have more wives.

  • Gail

    March 9, 2014

    Ana,
    I think I missed most of the drama last week which is a good thing as I have been going through my own personal drama with my excowife.I think I mentioned she found me and my kids on FB and started stalking us.Her and I talked and boy oh boy is all I can say.I thought after 2 yrs she would have chilled out by now but nope she is more bitter and hateful than before.She totally dogged on hubby and just spewed hatred about him to me.I wished I could say I wasn’t shocked but I WAS.Oh it seems she is going to remarry also but the boy she is going to marry actually is another cousin that lives behind hubby’s home in Rawalpindi.She says she don’t want to remarry but her mom wants her to remarry.Lets see she told me that when we were in Pakistan that hubby was having sexual relations with her in the inlaws home during the daytime hours which i know was a lie and I really would not care if he did as I told him that time to go get her and use her sexually and I would sleep with the kids and he told me no never.I just told her if what she says is the truth then it is ok because I love her and I know he was only using her.She was angry because she wanted plant a seed in my brain that hubby was nasty and get me to leave and divorce him.I am really shocked that with her being a muslim she is so hell bent to get rid of me still after all these years.I should mention after everything she told me she told me not to tell hubby until my inlaws come to USA in 2 weeks.I told her I already told him and he told her to go sit beside her new mother inlaw and clean her A$$ because that was all she is good for.Needless to say this polygamy thing was not how I thought it would be.I honestly thought given enough time and prayers that everything would work out.I am so disgusted right now with her.Oh I should mention that hubby has refused to let her even talk to the children at this point.I did send her a video of the kids but she did not say thanks or nothing.Even she is not cried to me to have hubby change his mind.I am just at a loss screaming in my mind WTF.
    I just have been so mentally upset on all this I feel so negative right now.I don’t understand why money and properties is so much more important to her than the family.Ok logically I get hubby does not love her but I and the children loved her and I don’t know why she can’t see past her hate and just see the whole picture.Jealousy and Hatred towards another for no good reason is such a waste of energy.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear all, I think I would have worded it wrongly. Because sometimes in my turf, women who agree to a polygamous life is not all the time super hot with babe packages. They are women who sorrily are labelled by soceity as reject cases or where men pity them. Even my own co used to say I am fat till one day I told her off. Punjabi body size and shape is of course different than of a Chinese! Are you s*****?Yes I would love to have a body like the regular Malay women here. Nice and petite. But now…. no. Ive grown to like my body. I love that I have hips and a butt. I like the way my waist is formed. So Allah s.w.t. is surely just. Im special in my own way. Ive even lost some weight. Ive nothing against women who are a bit on the heavy side. But I HATE society here on my turf who will say s***** remarks about a womans appearances and her position in a polygamous marriage.

  • Laila

    March 9, 2014

    Dear Ana, yes the news of the crash is all over tv. Hubbs and I are a bit down. Alhamdulilah no one we know were on board! But somehow we do feel the pain Ana. Imagine the situation of those on flight. May Allah help us locate the missing bodies.

  • maryam

    March 9, 2014

    Ironically, I used to tell my husband a man had to have a good reason to marry another sister and he didn’t have a good reason!!!

    I even used to tell my huaband if he took another wife I’d arrange for his father to marry again!!!! Astaghirullah i was overcome with emotions.

    I would have used every cultural/psuedo-religious excuse to stop him!!!

    After joining here my beliefs were challenged big time!!!

    My husband laughs at me now when I say actually you don’t need a good reason and you don’t need my approval. But it will be a big test for him and he understands that now from reading the blog which he didn’t appreciate before.

  • maryam

    March 9, 2014

    Salam alaikum,

    Laila it sounds like you’re in a great space. You are very right about women in polygamy being strong not weak.

    I have a positive development to share. When i first came to the blog i was complaining about my husband even thinking of polygamy when he was so irresponsible!

    Well alot has changed past few months. He has completely stepped up in every way. Every week without fail he gives me money to pay our expenses (and usually more than what we agreed). He’s being more responsible in his dealings with others I’ve noticed like being on time, thinking and discussing before acting rash.

    Overall just more mature and reliable. I thank Allah and I’ve praised my husband too and he said how much it means to him. He always felt like I was disappointed in him.

    I have learnt alot from everyone on this blog and it has really helped my marriage. Jazakallah sisters and brothers. Thank you.

  • Mari2

    March 9, 2014

    Yes Laila *sigh* despite the hardships 1 and 2′s go thru I would expect as long as their reasons for marriage are Islamically intact, all should be well. I didn’t marry M because I was weak, nor because I needed to be taken care of. I married him in in spite of his personal issues. My marriage as a second wife has never been about competition, and I am even on good terms with possible 3 and her family. I married my husband because of his good character, because he completes me as far as deen is concerned and because I don’t depend on him monetarily. Not depending on a man for money or livelihood is a very freeing thing absolutely. This I agree with you. And no, I am not fat either in case you are wondering since your post seemed to touch upon this.

  • Laila

    March 8, 2014

    Dear Ana, in the past I have always somehow tried to be agreeable to women who feel that other women who engage in polygamy are downright stupid, weak, or have to self-esteem to begin with. Today I will talk! Women who are in polygamous relationships aren’t weaklings with low self-esteem issues. We are strong, empowered women who know what we want. Yes, over times we have doubts. But who doesn’t have doubts? Even in a non-polygamous relations, partners do have their doubts. I have seen first hand how my own friends NEED THEIR MEN 24/7. They NEED their men to help them take care of the kids. They NEED their men to still pay their bills when they too are working. They NEED their men to carry out half of even more of the house chores. They NEED their men to always validate their beauty, emotional rants and the list goes on. Guess what? Half these dudes are in extra-marital affairs. Ive seen with my own eyes with hubbs when we eat out at exclusive quiet areas and these men take their women out for quiet dinners. So tell me who’s being oppressed here? Me or my pal? …. hahaha…. tricky right? Yes in polygamous set ups there are so many challenges. It is up to US to lay the rules down and have the harmony we all seek. Personally I feel my friends who are in non-polygamous set ups are oppressed. They are constantly going and doing the latest beauty treatments to make sure their hubbs don’t look at other women. I feel sad for them. I too love beauty but not for the sake of a competition towards other women. That’s a psychotic way to live.

    I LOVE the way my marriage is right now. My hubbs isn’t sitting in some corner with some woman eating quiet dinners and making love to random strangers that may give me some disease. He’s either with me or my co. If he plans to re-marry he will have the balls to tell me. Trust me. He will. But right now, he’s not interested. He’s focused on me and my co.

    Women to a certain degree to become retarded when they are looking at other women who are in.polygamous set ups. They have this idiot thinking that these ‘poor women are such oppressed little lambs’. Sure…. in your crazy little mind. Maybe I will e-mail you a picture of myself Ana. Then you can see ME. ☺ Not all women who are polygamous are fat, low-esteemed women ya to all those women who are reading this blog. We KNOW what we want. We are all tough cookies in our own right. We don’t kill ourselves with stupid ideas. We are beautiful because we want to be not because we are competing.

    Ana…. we need to have a new thread that talks about the strength women in polygamous set ups have. So as to avoid this oppression joes that come along with the far fetched ideas.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Oh, Mari2,

    It is so, so sad about M’s cousin’s son. No one here has to ask if it is okay to request duahs It is always okay, Allah willing. Mari2, I will make duah for the family. It is my intent. sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Oooop, I aproved comments out of order. Please make sure you all didn’t miss any.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Laila,

    surprise WOW woman. Well said! You were spitting knowledge…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    March 8, 2014

    Dear all, I too constantly do deeds that to a regular joe may seem that I will land in heaven. I feed strays and rescue stray kittens. Just rescued one yesterday. Saw one right smack in the middle of the road. Quickly jammed my brakes, put on my hazard lights on and jumped out and grabbed the little guy off the road and jumped right back into my car. Many who saw my actions would say I am either crazy for putting my own life on the line or I have nothing better to do or Allah will SURELY place me in heaven when I pass. Seriously that’s anyones guess. But my little acts like these won’t guarantee me anything. It’s my belief in Allah s.w.t. and my obligatory prayers that will shun me from hell. It’s my good deeds that I carry out in the name of Allah s.w.t. that will bring positive vibes to me. Being good to nature and animals is an honourable act. But we must also serve our Creator. HE created all that we enjoy. The trees, the wind, the love and comfort animals provide… the list goes on. If WE can’t even pray and worship him…. then O have nothing much to say. HE has given us so much comfort and yet you think that by just good deeds that would suffice? ….. wow….

  • Mari2

    March 8, 2014

    Ana,

    If you don’t mind I would like to ask all to give dua to M’s cousin/son. His cousin’s 14 month old son accidentally grabbed onto a jug of boiling water in a cistern prepared for dish washing and toppled it onto his poor baby body. Though his mother was able to pull him from the scalding water almost immediately and had relatives drive them an hour to the nearest hospital, the poor baby succumbed to infection and improperly treated wounds three days later. I thank Allah for delivering the poor child from the pain and infection, and I pray Allah gives his family the strength to carry in on in the face of their loss.

  • Laila

    March 8, 2014

    Dear Rafat, sorry that I took a long time to get back to you. I was taken up at work. In your response you said that women of today are far more independant, are able to go out to work etc. Polygamy was only feasible during the Prophets time. Well personally I think you are talking a whole load of crap. Sorry ya. But this is my take on THE MATTER. How sure are you that single fathers and divorced men are reliable or good marriage material? How sure are you that polygamous men out there just get married for the sake of increasing or maximizing their quota of women? I run an educational business. I am a wife. I am studying for my Masters. So can I categorize myself as a meek weakling of a woman? No! I get things done even in the absence of my hubbs.

    Polygamy should not be viewed as a tool or instrument for men to get laid in a legal term. Polygamy also believe me or not toughens women up. I am VERY VERY independent compared to my pals who are married to non-polygamous men. They are clingy, childish, and at times just don’t see the bigger picture at hand. They always want to have their husbands around to make decisions for them. It’s as though their brains are just used for menial chores like washing the dishes.

    Polygamy IF DONE PROPERLY enables a few families to be brought up well. Personally I don’t see my step children taking drugs, loitering around aimlessly or just being a bum. A man is able to focus on multiple families. It’s not difficult or as you would say oppression towards women. Seriously, how much attention do you require out of your spouse. I used to type here that sometimes I do feel lonely. But there are times where I am happy that he leaves for my co’s home. I get to do my own thing. My co as of lately also feels the same. A man is not supposes to worship a woman. A man is supposed to love… protect…. and nurture and provide for a family. If he can do that for one family… why can’t he share that with another? Ohhh…. maybe the sex part pisses people off. Okay noted. But sex is just ONE part of a relationship. Hubbs and I don’t need sex to validate each others feelings. Even simple gestures like holding hands makes me happy. I love this man. Love isn’t just what is shown on tv where the man is supposed to give mind blowing sex and where the woman is supposed to have an orgasm all the time. It’s more adult than that.

    People generally feel the need to tell women to not be oppresses by polygamy. Am I oppressed? Nope! In fact in many ways Im having my cake and eating it too! I have a hubbs coming home a few days in a week. I have a beautiful and comfy home. I have a successful business running. I get to be the Queen bee at home. Hey, what’s lacking?

    Not all men and women who engage in polygamy are retarded. They know what they want and how to achieve success in such set ups. Just like I hate gays and lesbian marriages but I RESPECT THEM BY not openly always telling my pals about how shallow or meaningless their lives are. I just tell myself this; it’s a different set up of relationships.

    I think you’re the deaf… dumb and blind.

    Please get your facts before throwing in blanked statements. Interview women that are in polygamous set ups. See it from all angles. Tq very much.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    @Mari2,

    It’s good to hear you are teaching your husband Islam and he is getting it. May Allah swt reward you immensely for it. I know what you mean about people getting “butt hurt” when you mentioned issues with other material. My wali/bestess used to get hit hard when he tried to explain that the Quran is what Allah gave us. They wanted to beat him down. When I first became Muslim, I was trying to get with other material as well, as I didn’t know any better. My life got better and keeps getting better, as I know the only unadulterated, pure Book that Allah has protected is the Quran. Allah tells us in the Quran that there will only be a handful of Believers from this day and age (later times) that will be foremost in Faith and foremost in the Hereafter. I want to be amongst those few. I want to be up there mingling with Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), Prophet Moses (PBUH), Prophet Jesus (PBUH) and all the other prophets. I’m not saying I’m going to get there, but I intend to keep trying.

    You said, “Islam is really so simple, so easy, and so good.” You are so right.

    With regard to reading Quran in Arabic, I have heard of people who read it and memorized it, but don’t have a clue about what it means. They were so busy learning the language and never focused on the meaning. What good would it do me to waste valuable time trying to learn the language when I can learn the Quran in my own language, my own native tongue, and have the time left to put what I learn into practice before Allah swt seizes my soul. Some people mislead others to think Islam is all about Arabs and Arabic.

    I think people are really going to begin to get it – Islam is for everyone regardless of race, color, nationality, ethnicity, which is why there will come a time, as Allah swt, says, people will begin to accept Islam in droves. The thought makes me very happy. It may happen when Prophet Jesus (PBUH) returns to earth. Allah knows best.

    @Ummof4, yes, I am very sorry for my actions towards you. You’re my Islamic buddy here on the blog. When you speak, we listen happy You give us all a new perspective on things. It’s what we need.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    March 8, 2014

    Ana,
    First and foremost as a new muslimah I want to thank you for the focus on the Qu’ran. That is where my focus lies. I cannot get sidetracked into hadiths (of which there are 5 schools of thought). And yes, like RCC canon, and other religious scholarly input, god’s word gets muddied in the translation and opinions of self-appointed “learned” men.

    This is my issue with hadith followers: Before accepting Islam, I was catholic. Muslims say, and continue to say the christian bible is an erroneous text due to numerous translations. I absolutely agree. However, when I point out to other muslims that the hadiths suffer from the same issues of translation and input as the christian bible, they get all butt hurt.

    While I was in Pakistan, one of M’s cousins told me the entire christian bible is false. When I pointed out to him that the OT of the bible and the Qu’ran have similar stories, he accused me of lying. Really? So the OT just made up Hagar/Hajar? Moses? Abraham? Jesus? Mary? Then this whippersnapper had the audacity to go into the importance of hadiths over Qu’ran. Again I was like “really”?

    And do you know what language whippersnapper reads Qu’ran in? Arabic. Yes he can recite the words he reads, but he cannot understand the words as he is not an Arabic speaker. He only understands Urdu, pushto or English for reading. Lucky for me I get to read Qu’ran in my own language. And I have brought this to M who also reads Qu’ran in Arabic but does not understand. So now M reads in English, and I explain. And bit by bit I am pushing M “Qu’ranically” to look at Islam from Allah’s teachings and leaving sectarian/hadiths/canon/somebody else’s opinion baggage at the door.

    That is what I want, as Islam is really so simple, so easy, and so good. It is only when other people want to throw in their opinions, get all “caliphate” and stuff that Islam ends up being a erroneously “legalistic” and as screwed up as all other religions.

  • ummof4

    March 8, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to everyone,

    Ana, Thank you for the apology, you were a bit rough. I’m glad you changed the topic, Alhamdulillah. I agree with you about Rafat. We cannot change what is in the Qur’aan to suit our individual wants, needs and desires. Allah warn us against that. There is an ayat in the Qur’aan that addresses the point of what if a person never heard Islaam, will they be held accountable? In Surah Al-Araf Ayat 172-173, Allah tells us how he took a covenant from each of us before birth that He was our Lord. We cannot use the excuse that we disobeyed Allah because we were following our forefathers.

    Laila, go on like I talked about and like Ana suggested, have your big bash to celebrate your marriage. If you like multiples of 5 like we do here in the US, then wait until your 15th, and you and your husband (mostly you because men do not plan these types of events)will have over a year to plan it so that it is just what you want. If you want a big bash with hundreds of guests that wish you well, then do it! If you want to have a small bash with a dozen guests that wish you well, then do it! Make sure you and your husband have new outfits and tell everyone to wear certain colors. Pick a theme and let everyone know well in advance so they can prepare to be a part of your special day. I don’t know if you have many female friends because you usually only speak of your husband; but you need them to keep you sane and to help you plan your anniversary celebration just right. I hope you do it, it will make you feel very special.

    Our 30th anniversary celebration in 2005 had a 1970′s theme. The centerpieces were afros with picks (To comb the hair for those of you who don’t know how to use a pick). And guess what, people took those picks home and used them or gave them to someone who needed a pick, LOL.

    May Allah guide us all to the correct truth of Islaam.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Aishah & Everyone, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I’m grateful to Allah that you and everyone else is here. Without you and everyone else there would be no blog. I know I have said this many of times. I truly mean it. There would only be material to read without those of you who speak here.

    I must apologize for going crazy on everyone the other day Sad Tears. The brief break from the blog the couple days or so worked wonders for me. I slept like a log, which I apparently needed desperately. I didn’t wake up here and there, reaching for my phone to check the blog for comments.

    I know some probably think I need to speak only of polygamy and not Islam, but it’s impossible for me to do. Islam is a way of life that encompasses everything that we are. It is almost impossible for me to speak of one without the other. I can’t separate the two.

    I really don’t think the majority out there in cyberspace mind though. I say this based on the statistics for the blog. Polygamy 411 has been in existence for five years. Its five year anniversary was February 2014. The traffic has consistently increased over the years. I have noticed that when I don’t talk the ratings go down. So some out there listen to what I have to say. I try to share what I know from the Quran as much as possible without inundating everyone with it.

    So, with all that said, once again I thank you all for being here. Thank you for being understanding when I’m off my rocker and get crazy from time to time.

    KA126 and Ummof4, if you two are still reading, I apologize to the two of you personally, as I think my attack Angry dog on you two was more severe.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah 2014

    March 8, 2014

    Ok.salam.another topic.this is Anas blog and i am grateful she is here.those of us who need a space to vent find it here.its been very helpful to me..

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Rafat, it’s okay. You said you were born Muslim, but you are not a religious person. One wouldn’t expect you to believe in a religion you don’t practice and know very little about. It’s fine for you to believe whatever you want to believe. In actuality you believe what Allah wants you to believe. So, it all goes back to Allah. On the Day of Judgement, He will tell us the truth about what we dispute.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 8, 2014

    I rest my case with saying that no just God will send kind, loving and good people to hellfire. No good deed is futile or worthless.
    If there is a faith or God that says good, kind, pious people will get hellfire in afterlife then that God is man made or that faith or scripture is corrupted by men.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Rafat,

    I think it all boils down to belief. One either believes or don’t. There is no in-between. If we believe in what Allah says, we know that only believers, who are those who believe in and accept the entire Quran (His words) will enter Paradise. It’s not a matter of what we think is right or want to believe. It’s what Allah tells us is the Truth that we must believe in.

    Allah the Creator of the Universe created some men (as in mankind) for the Fire and some for Jannah (Paradise). The ones He created for Paradise, they are the ones who become Muslims/Believers. It is why it is said Allah favored this person or that person with Islam (the person who becomes Muslim). Allah has chosen Islam for the particular person.

    A person who is Muslim could still go to the Fire, if he or she does not become a Believer and worship and serve Allah. The ones who never receive Islam, Allah created them for the Fire. He is a doer of what He wills. It’s not about what we want or think.

    One needs to understand that Allah created mankind so that they will worship and serve Him and no one and nothing else. He created mankind to worship Him. If a person is doing what you call “good” and is kind to nature, trees, rivers, animals and even orphans or whatever and they don’t know Allah and does not do any of the things they do out of worship of Allah and don’t do any and all the things Allah tells us in the Holy Quran to do, then what they do is worthless. It’s all useless and done in vain. It’s all futile.

    Maybe you think our religion (Islam) is wrong. It’s not the wrong interpretation for me, as I know Allah says He has made the Quran easy to understand and remember. He teaches. It’s not rocket science, as some want to make it out to be. Allah will guide those who seek His guidance with sincerity. If you have doubt, Allah says he places doubt upon doubt, and you will be astray.

    I don’t make this stuff up. It’s Islam. Read the Quran. It’s in there – plain to see. It’s not rocket science. There are rejecters of Faith and those who Believe. One either rejects what is in the Quran or accepts it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Judith

    March 8, 2014

    Rafat,
    You said, “no good deed is useless.”

    I believe that is true.

  • Rafat

    March 8, 2014

    Ana,
    No good deed is worthless. Be it by a believer or non-believer.

    The examples by other sister of a good men loaning you property and doing things for you is great but we are talking about God here not about men. Let’s consider people of a community who have never been exposed to Quran or any other religious book but thy are good people who are kind to each other and are kind to nature the trees, rivers, animals and every thing that they have. They are always thankful to nature or a creation or supreme being who has provided them with these great things. If any religion tells that they would go to Hellfire then I think either that religion is wrong or we our small brains have interpreted it wrong.
    Ana, I am born muslim but I am not very religious

  • Rafat

    March 8, 2014

    Laila,
    I am not saying all polygamy is wrong. Polygamy between consenting adults should not be others business. Consenting means they don’t consent to it because they have no where else to go or they are madly in love with their spouse and the spouse is taking advantage of that weakness or they stay for stability and for kids and so on. In the times of Prophet Muhamad (PBUH) women were always stay at home moms, men were providers and protectors of the women and children. Only men went out to do dangerous jobs and to war etc. it was a very wise thing to do to for men to support widows and orphans. More marriageable age women were there than marriageable age men. Women in those times always needed a guardian to look after tgem and to accompany them if they needed to go out the house. All of those things are not true for many parts of the world now. Now women go out to work, stay at home moms go out to drop their kids to school, buy groceries and all they are equally exposed to probability of getting into a car accident say and the women are in police are journalists, politicians, in army thy go to conflict areas. Even if they are not involved in active combat the environments they get exposed to are more or less similar to what men do. Look at the statistics of marriageable age men and women. Many government provide support for single mothers. So unless you are a helpless woman in a country where you have no rights to drive or venture out independently, you can support yourself pretty well and manage to go out and find a single dad or a divorced man. Or maybe choose to stay single if you don’t want a stepdad for your kids who might not treat them well. When the reasons for polygamy aren’t valid anymore why should we still stick to it like a deaf dumb and blind. Why give men a free pass on being married and still looking for more mates why not encourage them to focus on the family they already have.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Rafat,

    Buddhist, Hindus and people of any other faith are welcome on this blog. This blog is for Muslims and Non-Muslims. We don’t specify any particular non-Muslim.

    It is very difficult for me to believe that you are a Muslim, simply because if you were, you would not say the things you say here. Allah swt tells us what type of person will enter Paradise and what type of person will enter the Hellfire. If you say it is “bullshit” that any religion tells you that people who do not do as Allah says won’t enter Jannah, it tells me that you are not a Muslim or you are Muslim and do not know Islam. If you are not Muslim, then, of course, you won’t believe as Muslims believe. You have a right not to believe. No person should compel another to accept Islam. There is no compulsion to believe in Islam.

    About people doing good deeds and they should enter Jannah because of it, Allah tells us that anyone who does any deed and they are not believers their deeds are as a mirage. They are useless deeds. One must Believe, seek Allah’s forgiveness and do righteous deeds. A deed without the correct belief in Allah is a deed that is worthless. You are entitled to think and believe as you please, but you raise a whole lot of doubt when you say you are Muslim, but discredit the religion of Islam. i dont know

    I would love to believe that my non-Muslim relatives will be in Jannah/Paradise, but my way of life (Islam), based on Allah’s words in the Holy Quran tells me otherwise. Knowing it, I shall not will except as Allah wills. I accept what Allah says.

    You have your views. Your views are apparently based on how you feel about things and what you think, but are not factual.

    I do agree with you that men have created laws that are beneficial to men and are oppressive to women. They are laws that enslave women. The laws put them under the control of men. Women are to be servants of Allah, not servants of men. It happens when man does not like Allah’s laws and want to get around the truth.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I just read about the Malaysian Airlines Jet that crashed yesterday leaving Kuala Lumpur heading to Beijing. There were 239 people on it. I hope no one you knew was on it. Alhumdulliah, you, nor anyone in your family members were on board it. We just never know when our time is up or how it will happen.

    This is an open house. No need to knock.

  • marie

    March 8, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaykum All,

    @Rafat, some of your comments are very wrong. Firstly you said that anyone who is kind, has respect for their brothers and sisters, did pious actions would enter jannah no matter what they worshipped. WRONG that is not what it says in the quran.

    I’ll give you an example. Let’s say you are poor. You meet a very nice person who offers you food,clothes and a place to live for 1 year. At the end of the year the nice person said they would give you anyhow you want for the rest of your life as a reward, IF during that year you say thank you to them and only them, that you remember that they are the one who is providing for you.

    Now, the nice person does what they said and provided for you,but you went to ‘billy joe’ down the road and said thank you to him, you decided to believe that everything you have is because of ‘billy joe’.

    So at the end of the year the nice person said they will give you nothing because you did not do what you was asked.

    That’s “just”, you have not been wronged as you didn’t do what you was told in order to receive the reward.

    everything we have (all of mankind) is from Allah, allah said to only worship Him, only give thanks to Him and remember that Everything comes from Him. For doing the aforementioned you will receive a reward (jannah) if you don’t do it, you get no reward. So no it doesn’t matter how nice you are if you die in a state of shirk (worshiping other than Allah) then you get no reward.

    Just to add YOU do no define what justice is, justice is a creation, allah is the only creator therfore Allah defines what justice is.

    Now,you also said this is not what a just god would do to us” Allah can do Anything he likes to us, we do not own ourselves, Allah owns us. Example: if you brought a laptop took it home, it didn’t do what you wanted it to do so you threw it up the wall, does anyone have the right hand say you can’t or shouldn’t do that. No, why? Because it’s yours and you can do what you damm well please with it. It didn’t do the job you brought it for.

    Much salaams to all

  • Laila

    March 8, 2014

    Dear Rafat. So what are you saying really? That polygamy is wrong? Im curious because you touched on rights.

  • Rafat

    March 8, 2014

    Ana, Thanks for posting the comments.
    I am wondering how is sister Ina and her kids. It’s unbelievable that this kinda of abuse is happening in the name of religion. Allah will never want men to abandon their families and leave a wife in so much pain. If Ina is in UK why did she even agree for her husbands second marriage. How is her husband planning to bring second wife to UK. This is all illegal. If you can respect law of the land then don’t go to that land. Women need to wake up and fight for their rights. Nothing should be forced on a person in the the name of religion or anything else. No women should suffer and put up with male dominant laws. This is all made up by men. That’s why in every scenario be it marriage or child custody or anything it’s always in their favor. Wake up women this is not what a just God would do to us.

  • ana

    March 8, 2014

    maryam,

    From time to time, I wonder the same as you about orphans. Before becoming Muslim, I thought an orphan was a child who had no living parents. You know – little orphan Annie. I thought them to be the kids in orphanages. When I became Muslim, I got the feeling that it was any child with just one parent. Now that you mentioned that it may not matter, children should all be treated well and equally regardless of how many parents they have or none, makes a heck of a lot of sense. I believe Allah swt would want all children treated well. I never heard it put as you stated it, but it definitely is sensible and reasonable. I can get with it.

    I know a child becomes extremely hurt when a parent shows another child more love and affection than him or her. I know from experience. As a result my siblings and I began to treat our twin 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister very badly to retaliate for how we were treated. My sister (the twin) still till this day remembers and speaks of how badly we treated her and the effect it had on her.

    I don’t know abut moms being more inclined to be kind and show affection to step children. Based on what Gail says, she does a really good job with her husband’s children. She said the ex-co treated her children and Gail’s children differently. She, for instance, mistreated Gail’s children by not feeding them when she fed hers. I think it’s what happened. I think Aishah has some foster children that she adopted. I guess there are monster step-mom’s out there, too. i dont know You ask some really good, thought provoking questions.

    Some others here would probably be more qualified to speak about their experiences raising other children. I don’t know. Sometimes people aren’t honest with themselves either. For instance, I know of mothers who definitely have a favorite child and the children know it, but hear the mother tell it, she’s never favored one child over another. Maybe they just can’t see it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 7, 2014

    Thanks Ana.

    I wonder if the children of divorced parents are deemed to be orphans in the islamic sense (even if both parents alive)?

    Where I live, statistically most children who are badly abused in the home are abused by a step-father figure (i.e. boyfriend/husband).

    I wonder if women by our nature are more inclined to show kindness and affection to a step child than men are?

    A friend said once nowhere else in the animal world does a male species look after another male’s offspring. But we are human not animal and Allah made us differently.

    I wonder if Allah doesn’t differentiate greatly between own and step-children because He hopes mankind will treat all children well, equally.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    Dear Laila, Wa Alaikum As Salaam

    I hope all is going well for you and your hubs. I know you said things were a little shaky. Talking about growing pains, I really think it’s what you’re experiencing. You and your hubs are just taking your marriage to another level. It doesn’t necessarily mean you two don’t love each other anymore. If you dissect your marriage you will see the flaws in it. I watched a movie years ago, “Red Shoes Diary”. The guy said, if you look at anything long enough in the bright light of the day, you will begin to see the flaws in it. The saying went something like it. It is so true. I guess you’re doing some metamorphises or something. Try not to be so critical of him and your marriage. Try to see the good in the marriage and don’t dwell so much on what you think may be wrong with it or trying to figure it all out.

    I totally understand how you may feel somewhat down at times about how your wedding was. Know that it was the way it was meant to be, and couldn’t have been any other way. Maybe Allah swt’s has got something way special for you lined up down the road here in this life or something definitely better in the Hereafter.

    What do you think about giving yourself a special party – like a dinner party where you could get all dressed up and it be your day. You could invite all the people you’d like to have there. You could do it to help make up for what you didn’t have earlier, so to speak. It’s just an idea I tossed out there. Remember Ummof4 said she and her husband just had a very nice 30th wedding anniversary hooplah. Yeah baby! rock on

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    maryam,

    You brought up a very good subject. It is a very important subject, too, and there isn’t much to be found on it, as you stated.

    I know that Allah swt stresses that if a man cannot be fair and just with the orphans, he is to marry only one woman. It is expected that that woman would only have his children or have no children or have children from a previous marriage/relationship and none with him (the current husband).

    Marriages are so easy in Islam to get into and out of. There will be men who will marry women who have been married before and have children from the previous marriage. It’s easy for a man to determine he wants to be with the woman. A man won’t necessarily want her children though. Many times the woman’s children are neglected or abused by the man, especially if the woman later has his child.

    Allah is firm when it comes to children/orphans being treated just and fairly. He mentions it quite a bit in the Quran. Allah swt said to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), didn’t I find you an orphan and gave you shelter and care? So treat not harshly the orphans. It’s not verbatim from Quran, but close enough. The orphans are very special. May Allah forgive me, if I erred in anyway.

    I had a step-dad. My step-dad treated his children, my 1/2 brother and my 1/2 sister (twins) way differently than he treated my other siblings and me. He was abusive. It is not unheard of for step-fathers to be like it. Many foster children are terribly abused, as well.

    A man won’t know how he will be with his wives going into a polygamous set up. He knows he wants to be with the women and hopefully he has good intentions. A man knows straight up whether he wants to be bothered with another man’s children.

    Then you have the case too where the men, I suppose, takes the children from the biological mother and turns them over to his other wife. Who knows how that woman would treat those children that aren’t hers.

    A woman can divorce a man, if she’s being mistreated. A child can’t up and walk out of the relationship.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    @Jenny,

    I hope you feel way better soon. I was wondering what happened to you, which I do anyhow when you are away for long. I miss Gail, as well. I know she’s trying to make things happen. I thought about your trip too. I get excited for you when you travel. Those spa days sound terrific. Alex and I have been keeping busy, going to different events and things, which have been really nice.

    I just can’t believe all this snow we’ve gotten. It’s beautiful to see. Well, it will be spring soon. A new season and a new beginning…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 7, 2014

    Jenny, it sounds like you’re a pin cushion! Haveva wonderful trip away inshallah. And to Spirited too, you must be away soon.

    Ana, i sent a msg through the contact field re children issue. I’ve just found there is very little information “anywhere” about step-parenting in Islam. I find it an odd gap because divorce and remarriage is allowed, and often there must be children involved.

    As an indication do a basic google search using islam/muslim and step families/kids/parents and little comes up.

    Not custody issues etc, but treatment, maintenance, relations between step-siblings? Anything really.

  • Laila

    March 7, 2014

    Good morning Ana and all on the blog. Personally I feel whether the person is an extremist or not, it’s their boat to float. I’ve come across blogs that are sometimes too narrow minded. What I do is simple, ‘click’ to another blog. Simple really. As Nouman Ali Khan has said, “If someone corrects you, and you feel offended, then YOU have an EGO problem”. We are all here to LEARN and not criticize and be negative. Negativity and assumption are signs of pure ignorance. I totally agree with Ana. Why must we as Muslims be divided into sects? Does Allah s.w.t want that?

    Salam

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    maryam, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thank you for your support. I’m trying to grow some thick skin like Jenny and Gail happy I expect to have some growing pain LOL

    It’s okay for everyone to go off topic on this thread, if they’d like, Insha Allah. I initially didn’t open the thread for comment as I thought it would continue the controversy; however, I don’t know when I’ll have a chance to write another. So, I thought I’d open this thread for comments so anyone could speak about anything they’d like until I can make a new post.

    It may help if you are more specific about what you’d like to know or would like to discuss.

    Well, I’ll check back in from time to time, Insha Allah, I’m going to go do a workout now. I’m FINALLY getting in the shape I want to be. I realize once and for all that it’s a lifelong commitment.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Jenny

    March 7, 2014

    @ Ana,

    I’ll respect as you said ~ not to continue from the other thread. I didn’t get a chance to chime in because I was laid up in bed with the flu and the little work I’ve gotten done, was buried in corporate work ~ not on my computer. Then all the kids got the flu, now hubby is coming down with it. No more flu shots for us!!!

    So I won’t address it, but I will mention something that happened to me. When hubby and I first married, I mean JUST married, and we were trying to find our normal, we spoke about having children one day and he mentioned when they turned a bit older he wanted to send them back to Pakistan. Let me tell you ~ my foot went so far up his a$$, it came out of his nose and he never had that thought again! Of course, it wasn’t till years later we started our family and my husband denies he ever said that and I misunderstood what he said. He is of the belief that the father gets the children; again, more Islamaculture. He knows that crap would NEVER fly with me.

    Nothing new on my end. My nephew will be coming here soon. He was supposed to come in December, but he scored low on his TOFEL. School schedules had to be rearranged. He took his TOFEL again on the first and now I’m waiting for his results. My husband has not completed the paperwork for my oldest stepson to come here. Scratching my head on that one! He graduates in May. Paperwork should have been done a long time ago. I know my husband has a reason, but he’s not sharing it with me. I’m sure it must look really weird in the family that I am bringing over my nephew, but his kids are still there. My mother-in-law has not said anything to me about it, but always says she is so happy I’m bringing my nephew.

    I’ve started the medications that turn me into Sybil. Hubby gets to give me my shots every night. Pretty soon we will be heading to Europe. Hubby and I are going away alone, my mom and daughters will be watching the squids. I’ll be alone for a week as I’ve elected to stay an extra ten days after the procedure to see the results of the procedure. I plan on having plenty of rest. After hubby comes back to the States, I’ll be in the spa every day getting pampered and plenty of rest.

  • maryam

    March 7, 2014

    Najma,

    With all respect it is Ana’s blog.

    She puts in the effort, financial and otherwise, to maintain it so WE all have a place to interact.

    I don’t think it’s reasonable to tell her how to manage it.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    I know you all may be wondering why the comment box is at the bottom of the page again. I asked the technicians to upgrade the theme for the blog and, as a result, the changes were lost. Insha Allah, it will be back to “normal” (comment box at the top of the page) again soon.

    I kindly ask you all to bear with us while the upgrade is taking place. Thank you!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    najma,

    I see you are finding it difficult to understand that I am a “Muslim”. I’m not one to divide my religion (Islam) up into sects. I do follow the Quran, the book for Muslims who are Believers.

    With regard to views, you must not understand that Allah gave me this blog to manage. As the manager of this blog I will write about anything He allows me to type here. You have a right to click out of here and not come back. It’s what I do when I go to a blog or anywhere online and I don’t like what I see.

    I’m sure there are many people who don’t like what they see or read here;nonetheless, they keep coming back. The blog has been steady and the traffic growing. How do you like those apples? I expect to hear more from such people as you, since you and Rafat have got the ball rolling.

    Thank you for reading and commenting.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    March 7, 2014

    Salam Alaikum all,

    I haven’t posted simply because I don’t have anything to add on this thread at the moment. I’m not “pissed off”.

    I would very much like to discuss children and polygamy some time.

    There are many different situations with regards to children and there is not a great deal of information about “step-parenting” in Islam generally (sorry Ana if I’m going off topic here).

    Rafat, I like to think my non-muslim family aren’t excluded from Heaven on that basis.

  • najma

    March 7, 2014

    ana you are quranist keep your views to yourself and only focus on the title of your blog

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    @Rafat,

    I’m glad you like the blog thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 7, 2014

    Hmm selectively publishing some of my comments does not help readers. Looks like your only agenda with this blog is to present to the blog readers what you believe in. Then why pretend and say this in an open house.

  • Rafat

    March 7, 2014

    I am pretty sure that my posts are not going to be posted on your blog because your doors are open only to what you want to open the doors for.
    Well the message was for you and it reached you.
    From your posts and story it seems like you are relatively older and I wish you get a chance in this lifetime to realize that many of the things you so strongly believe are not real message of God.

  • Rafat

    March 7, 2014

    I like one thing about your views that these might help bring at least Jews, Christians and Muslims together. What about the others like Buddhists, Hindus and many others faiths. There are people who are hardworking, kind to others and live a pious life. When any religion tell me that those people will not get in jannah or just because they didn’t worship A specific Prophet or God in general I say that is total bullshit. Any religion including our religion Isalam is A way of living good pious life and securing place in Jannah but it is not THE OnLy way. Anyone with good intentions and respect for their brothers and sisters believers or non believers will be granted jannah by a just God no matter whether they worshipped a specific God or followed a specific prophet or didn’t do anything religious at all. You may not realize it but your views indicate that there are very good chances that you yourself might be a part of those people you label as deaf dumb and blind.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    I guess I did. Alhumdulliah!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rafat

    March 7, 2014

    Hmm no comments on this one from anyone one other than you so far. I guess you just pissed people off lol

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I may not be able to get around to putting together another post for a while. If any would like to discuss anything, Insha Allah, please do so.

    I kindly ask that we try to stay away from the previous discussion to avoid further confrontations.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 7, 2014

    A brief note: I mentioned in the post that there will be no more Prophets to come after the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Although no new Prophets will come, Allah swt says Prophet Jesus (PBUH) will return to earth before the Day of Judgment.
    Good changes are going to occur, as Allah says people are going to accept Islam in droves (my words are not verbatim from Quran). Perhaps people will begin to receive the Truth that Islam is a religion for everyone and there will be no more stereotyping of Islam. Allah knows best.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    March 6, 2014

    Insha Allah, a new post is forthcoming, allowing for comments.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.