Poligamia 411

Início, don’t do that to yourself… You prayed for a better marriage. You prayed for Alex to be happy. Has polygamy given you either of these things?

Alex may well seek to blame you for his own decisions, but at the end of the day polygamy was his decision. He went ahead and did it without the blessing of you, his first wife, which I believe was a mistake. I know God can bring good out of all sorts of bad situations, but that doesn’t mean God made it happen. God allows people to make decisions, both good and bad.

Início, this is a personal question, so don’t feel you have to answer it if you’d rather not. If you had your time again, knowing what you do now, do you think you would have married your best friend? As I understand it, you didn’t marry him because he was upfront about wanting a polygynous family — is that right? I’m just curious because I sense you’ve grown to love your friend’s wife. Would you choose a happy polygynous marriage over an unhappy one? A consensual one over a forced one? Perhaps it’s not beneficial to ask these kind of questions. I’m just curious.

Hi Donald,

Sim, I prayed for Alex to be happy before he became polygamous. I didn’t really pray that our marriage get better, as I knew it couldn’t as long as Alex rejected Islam. Eu só não sabia o que fazer, as I didn’t want a divorce, but I knew it wasn’t fair me neglecting him. I don’t know whether Alex is happy now, but I know he’s with his other family and I still communicate with mine. There seems more of a balance now.

I can’t say I’m happy, as I still haven’t embraced polygamy for myself with enthusiasm, which I think is necessary for me to do in order to truly accept all of Quran. I just mentioned in my comment to “Precious” that sometimes we hate a thing that is good for us and love a thing that is bad. It’s from Quran.

You’re right Donald; I shouldn’t let Alex place the blame on me for him practicing polygamy. There are still many time that I blame myself for Alex going to Carolinah. I guess it takes time for the feeling of guilt to totally dissipate.

To answer the question about me and my best friend, you are right; my love for his wife grew over time. When I thought my friend would dismiss his intended (his now current wife) and I’d become his first wife, there was no love in my heart for her. Na verdade, you could say I detested her like I do Carolinah. Polygamy is just all out difficult for me, so I wouldn’t be able to say it would be an easy option for me to join my friend and his wife as a polygamous family. I hope that answered your question a bit. It was a very good question, Donald.

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

I’m glad you’re okay with the question. Some of these ‘o que se’ questions aren’t helpful, Eu sei. If I’m hearing you right, you’re not sure the same love for your friend’s wife would have developed if you were both married to him?

De qualquer maneira, it sounds like you’re trying to look at your situation in a positive light, and I guess that’s a good thing. If you’re committed to staying married to Alex, I really hope you and he can work together to make your marriage happier and more fulfilling. I know you can do it!

Hi Coolred38. Novamente, welcome to America. I feel like you’re a celebrity. I hope you’re getting settled in and it’s beginning to feel like home. I know it’ll take some time to get adjusted.

Right after Alex “casado” Carolinah, I was speaking to one of my sisters about my prayer and she said the same thing you did, maybe Alex got his prayer answered. Perhaps he did; I don’t really know, as he never spoke to me of his prayers. What I do know is that I prayed for help with the dilemma in my marriage and the next thing I knew polygamy was a part of my life. I can’t see any reason Allah wouldn’t answer my prayers. I believe polygamy is good for me; I just haven’t fully accepted polygamy. I’ve never liked sharing since I was a kid, which could be the primary problem with me accepting polygamy.

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

Jeannet, I don’t really know whether Alex is truly happy or not. I’ve asked him and he said he wouldn’t answer because if he said yes, I’d be upset with him and if he said no, I’d be happy. So he avoids the question. It’s difficult to sense whether he’s happy or not. He appears happy to me when he’s with me.

I do feel less guilty now since he’s with Carolinah, but I don’t feel totally free of guilt, as I still find myself at times blaming myself for him going back to her. My friend still insists that Alex fled Islam; he didn’t flee from me. Perpetrating becomes taxing on a person after a while. He needed to go someplace where he could relax and be himself. Islam is a way of life, a life he never really wanted.

I agree with you that “we can so easily grow in different directions, winding up in different places.” I have the same issue. I’m concerned whether Alex and I will eventually part ways permanently. I think polygamy has a way of bringing a couple together and, ao mesmo tempo, taking them a part.

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

Jeannet, Sinto muito. I got lost for a minute. Would you please elaborate on what it was you invited into your life and what it is he may be inviting into his life.

ooops, I can’t forget the slogan. Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

I stumbled upon this site two days ago and I spent whole night and next day reading all the material on this site. I am a married muslim woman from a predominately muslim country. A poligamia (although legally allowed) is a taboo in my country. I have not seen many examples of polygyny in my life. I have seen polygyny always resulting in first wife leaving the home and seek for divorce. In my country it’s a shame for first wife and her family and they make sure that they remove this insult by separating as soon as possible. Men in my country are really afraid of getting into polygyny because they know they will be socially boycotted. I am so shocked to see what’s happening in an educated woman’s life in united states and she apparently cannot do anything because her Wali told her that she should not.
I have been brought up with this belief that Quran doesn’t really encourage polygyny it just allows it and then suggests man to limit himself to only one wife. I am copying a paragraph from
answering-christianity.com/polygamy.htm at the end of my post.

I know you read a lot of Quran and not really dependent on your Wali to tell you what is allowed and what not. I hope you are reading really good translation of Quran to know that Quran never encouraged polygny and doesn’t suggest that it’s the best way of leading life.

This is so depressing to read your blog that I am really trying to forget about this blog and never come back. I am literally having nightmares for last few days because of this blog. I am in no position to suggest but don’t let yourself be fooled on the name of Islam. This is an insult to you as well as Islam.

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“Polygamy is not encouraged in the Noble Quran, nor Allah Almighty had allowed it because He really liked it. He was clearly careful to highly discourage polygamy to men by telling them “but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly (com eles), then only one…(4:3)” which clearly orders men to either be fair or to not marry at all, despite the fact that we lost many men, Allah Almighty still didn’t want polygamy to really take place. That’s why He later told men “Ye are never able to be fair and just as between women, mesmo que seja o seu desejo ardente…(4:129)” which clearly nullifies the excuse that He gave them to practice polygamy. Is this a contradiction then? Absolutely not!. It clearly proves that when Allah Almighty allowed polygamy, He only allowed it because we (the Muslims) had an emergency; we lost almost half of our men if not even more. When Islam later became much stronger and Muslims defeated the infidels in the continues battles that were forced upon them (the Muslims), Allah Almighty nullified the excuse that he gave to men to practice polygamy, which would then lead to prohibiting polygamy altogether. "

Início, I have heard the phrase “you had better be careful for what you ask for because you might get it” all my life and I have come to believe it! When my children were teenagers I prayed for patience. Sometimes I felt the answer was “So you want to develop patience CM? Then here you go – practice it on your teen-age daughter who are now going to be twice as bad as she was before!” Do you think God has a sense of humour? It wasn’t funny at the time!

CM, Where were you when I needed you most? I could have really used your help when I was writing this post. The example that you gave regarding your life, your children and patience was excellent. That’s the point I was trying to get across. I hope everyone reads your comment, as it would help clarify what I was trying to say, what I was trying to express. Thank you CM for coming to my rescue

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

Paul, I am so happy you’ve joined us. Bem-vindo à poligamia 411. It’s always nice to hear the male’s perspective about polygyny.

Wow, it feels really good knowing you understand. I know Alex married Carolinah simply to hurt me, as I had hurt him. There were so many things he said to let me know it. And why didn’t he marry her instead of me? He was with her for three years before he met me. Did it take nearly five years for him to realize he loved her? He said he went back to her for comfort. My friend insists Alex did it to escape Islam. De qualquer forma, like you said, “If it happens before the 1st wife comes to terms with herself over this matter, it usually creates more harm than good.” Well said-how true that is.

I’m sure you’re right; the pain I feel is largely due to rejection. It hurts a woman badly (a first wife), knowing her husband’s off in bed with another woman. Alex is off in bed with Carolinah as I write. How do I like that? How could I not feel rejected? You’re right; the only way polygyny works is if all parties are on board, only if all of those involved are receptive to it from the day it begins.

Polygyny definitely could be a blessing, if it done humanely and for the right reasons.

Again Paul, it’s good having you here. Visit often and leave a comment.

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

Shockedwoman,
You are not alone in emotional response to this blog content. Reading it brought to the surface again, all the pain I thought I had disposed of. Now I have to deal with it again. But I no longer feel alone in the journey.
jt

Início,

THank you once again for the warm welcome.I feel badly about your situation. It sadden’s me to know the genesis of Alex’s polygyny decision.Marriage ought to have a strong foundation of friendship and respect. Once that foundation lacks, strange things happen and pain prevails in such a marriage.Often we forget that friendship will restrain us from making selfish decisions or decisions hurtful to others.If a friend hurts you, it really hurts bad but if they genuinely apologise you always find it in the heart to forgive.I pray that this spirit of friendship shall return in yours and Alex relationship.Even when I was really attracted to a young, beautiful and wonderful lady, I could not find it in myself to take her as another wife because my wife is my friend; and she is not yet there where she has accepted polygyny as acceptable before God.And as such that friendship with my wife prevailed over my desire for the other woman. I know if I forced my way I would loose my wife (even if she physically stayed) and I would never be happy loosing such a wonderful friend.Not even the satisfaction of gaining this other woman would make up for the loss of my wife’s friendship. So I restrain myself still even today. That’s what I meant when I earlier stated that polygyny is only a full blessing if the 1st wife accepts it before the event – and I hope more of my brothers shall have the patience to wait and even the strength to loose the other women if the 1st wife is not yet on board.

I just shared a bit of my life here because I want you to know that as a man I understand.

Again I say, polygyny is meant to be a blessing to all involved, including the 1st wife; but there must first of all be buy in of all concerned on it.

PAUL

Hello, Início. I have read your entire blog. I work with a few muslims, and was surfing the web to learn more. I came upon your blog and became so interested that I read on and on. I just wanted to tell you that the way you live upon your faith is very inspiring. I have asked my muslim friends so many questions since I stumbled upon your words, and I think they would never tolerate what you tolerate. I can understand you, though. In my religion there are things that modernized brothers and sisters don’t accept anymore, but I do… just in case I would be failing. I rather do more than required than less than expected. I see you as a very strong woman even as you suffer… because you are enduring pain in order to please your God. I hope I can be as faithful in my life. I have so much to say, but I know it would not be worth much since I am not muslim. One simple note, though… you are still a woman. Religious, but still a woman. Don’t feel guilty of your needs and wants, because you were chosen to be a woman for a reason. women are a certain way, we are fragil and need tactful treatment. It is normal. I send you a very respectful hug… with admiration for your ability to continue. I live in a mono-relationship, and just recently thought I could not continue another day. I prayed with all that was left in me and found the way to stand back up again. I think that after reading your story I will try harder. I will pray harder. I will try to have more faith.

Ivy,

Hello and welcome to Polygamy 411. I am so glad you’ve joined us and left a comment. There is no requirement to be Muslim to join us here and share. I’m very interested in all that you have to say, and hope you say whatever inspires you, sem hesitação. We can all learn so much from one another.

Thank you for all your kind words. They were truly words of inspiration. We don’t know how much your words have inspired others. I especially like what you said, “I prayed with all that was left in me and found the way to stand back up again…I will try harder. I will pray harder. I will try to have more faith.” I will do all those things, bem. Thank you for your awe inspiring words. I will take them with me. They gave my spirits a huge lift. Come join us and comment again soon and often.

Esta é uma casa aberta. Não há necessidade de bater. Apenas venha.

CM, thanks much. It was really kind of you to welcome me back. You’re such a nice, thoughtful person.

The trip was good. I’m still feeling very relaxed. (Let’s see how long that lasts) Guess what…I actually slept every single night, the entire night with peacefulness with ease. That was wonderful in itself for me, being the insomniac that I am. Assim, I was actually able to have peace of mind away from the craziness of the daily grind.

I have to go visit you and find out what going on with our dear friend Donald, bem. I hope you’re keeping him in check

Assalamu `alaykum sister,
I have read all your posts in the past 4 dia!

Sister, do not be confused. What has happened to Alex is coming from the Shaytan, it’s not Allah’s answer to your prayers.

Getting a second wife who instead of helping you in your deen, helps you be a slave of this dunya is the path to hellfire, not to heaven.

This man does not seem interested in Islam or in pleasing Allah swt. I know you have said that you want to stay with him but PLEASE DO NOT let him drag you. Think about it, the life of this dunya is just… nothing compared to the Hereafter! Will you let a man RISK your hereafter because of all the fitna he brings?
And think about it… would you want this man, who is not a practising Muslim, be the father of your children? How are you going to raise righteous children with the example you have at home? What’s gonna happen when Ramadan comes and you want your kids to get excited about it, quando “daddy” is the least excited of them all?
I know you feel you love your husband and don’t want to let him go… but think about these things very carefully sister… your duty first and foremost is to Allah swt, not to a misguided man.

Início, your self observation: “I’m getting stronger and happier with each day. I’m not going to focus on what the future holds, as no one knows it, but Allah” gave me strength. I know for a fact that people can be devastated by experiences, and survive them and become stronger and happier.

I was raised, whether intentionally or not, to believe that I was not “allowed” to be happy. That happiness, was like pride, a sin. The fact that it can be taken away, means it shouldn’t be experienced at all. What I am only recently beginning to consider, is the idea that we are allowed to be happy, that happiness is part of our relationship with God.

I hope that the aspect of your relationship with God, that you described above continues. But remember, there are danger zones ahead. That doesn’t mean this isn’t real. It means that a small step towards God has been earned, and the journey continues.

Happiness in ANY situation is relevant. Emotions follow thoughts. By that I mean deeply and completely accepted beliefs. When you embrace anything as a belief wholeheartedly your emotions automatically come into play to support that belief.

The same is true of polygamy. As long as you look at it like something “ruim” that you got yourself into then you will never be happy with it. When you fully accept it as being “direito” e “good” then you will be happy with it.