Poligamie 411

I have written “My Journey” şi “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. Pentru a seta mesaje în acest mod, Am avut de a schimba datele de scrierile. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, răspunsuri, sau raspunsuri de la comentatori.

Fiind noi la blogging, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. Pentru a vă da o idee mai bună a cronologiei, Alex şi am devenit poligame, în decembrie 2006 (Când Alex “căsătorit” Carolinah). Am inceput blog-ul în februarie 2009. Deci,, puteţi vedea am inceput blogging-ul despre viaţa noastră doar un pic peste doi ani de a deveni poligame. Am fost încă un dezastru complet (psihologic) la momentul.

Sper că această explicaţie a fost de ajutor.

Aceasta este o casă deschisă. Nu este nevoie să bată. Doar vin pe.

Pentru a proteja identitatea reală a părţilor şi de a rămâne fidel experiente de viata mea, numele personajelor aici (la poligamie 411) sunt fictive; cu toate acestea, Situaţia mea, circumstanţe, şi experienţele sunt reale.

Sunt Anabellah. Ai putea spune-mi Ana.  Am fost într-o căsătorii poligame, menţionat de către mulţi ca poligamia, pentru doar un pic peste doi ani.  Numele Sotul meu este Alex.  El “married” Carolinah (Colinda) în timp ce căsătorit cu mine. căsătoritosesc “married” în citate, pur şi simplu pentru că nu am fost la nunta lui Alex şi Carolinah.  Eu nu am vorbit cu cineva care a participat la ceremonia de, şi nici nu am văzut nici o documentaţie a acesteia.  Am să accepte cuvânt al lui Alex, careCarolinahoc.  Alex, Carolinah, şi am trăi poligamia, care este legală pentru mine, ca un musulman, pentru toate intenţie şi scopurile.

I cer iertare lui Allah pentru nimic din ce am putea spune sau aţi spus aici, la poligamie 411 că ar fi în mod neintenţionat, sau în nici un fel alţii induce în eroare.  Intenţia mea aici, la poligamie 411 este de a ajuta pe alţii pentru a face faţă cu un mod de viaţă (poligamie) că este bun pentru mine şi, în acelaşi timp l-am găsit este extrem de dificil.

Aş dori să împărtăşesc cu voi aici, la poligamie 411 meu de călătorie şi răspuns multe dintre întrebările dvs., ca sincer şi mai rapid posibil.  Insha Allah, vă va împărtăşi câteva dintre sentimentele tale, gânduri, şi experienţe cu mine şi alţii, precum şi.

Vreau să ne amintim că Allah a făcut legal pentru un barbat sa aiba mai mult de o soţie în Islam. Deci,, vă rugăm să păstraţi în minte poligamie 411 nu este un blog poligamia bashing. Nu vreau să fac ilegal ceea ce Allah a făcut legal. Acest lucru a fost parte din lupta mea, aşa cum am lupta cu Adevărul şi dorinţele mele personale.

La poligamia 411, Eu nu, nu poate, şi nu va spun nimănui cum să practice poligamia, şi nici nu voi da sfaturi cu privire dacă este potrivit pentru tine. Pot împărtăşi doar cu tine ceea ce am cu experienţă, învăţat despre mine, şi a învăţat de la alţii.

Toate lauda se datorează Allah.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Înainte Alex şi am căsătorit, el a spus că ar putea avea grijă de mine. Am spus bine şi bună, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, el ar avea o multime de bani pentru a ajuta familia si prietenii. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would crede a avut o multime de bani suficiente pentru a avea grijă de o altă soţie.

Am întrerupt permanent de lucru, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  În…Nu m-am opri de lucru pentru a pune o povară pe Alex, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, dacă Alex şi-mi marriage did not work out.  Mai mult, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

În took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (după un an de Alex căsătorit Carolinah.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (trai-l acum pentru un an), not only effected my mental and physical health, but my work as well…not sleeping at night, incapabil să se concentreze la locul de muncă, fiind deprimat şi pur şi simplu nu mai îngrijirea, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  I-am spus, “OK, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  Am fost having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Bine, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  El a spus, “Nu.”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

Deci,, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. Dar, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  el mi-a spus, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Bine, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, Wali mea).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  I-am spus, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  El a spus, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

OK, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. În dimineaţa următoare Alex ma chemat în drumul său spre locul de muncă, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, ca el a fost de conducere. Am fost destul de mult senzatia de amorteala la acel moment, from what I could remember. 

O zi sau mai târziu, într-o stare de negare, L-am întrebat Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, şi ma întrebat dacă m-am gândit că ar copil despre ceva de genul asta. It was now the end of Noiembrie. În asked when he might do it. El a spus, “În Jan. sau februarie” 

On  a later day, L-am întrebat Alex to give me more time, ca a fost prea mult, prea repede. I needed more time la digest it all. El a spus, “Nu.”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. Ar fi mai bine să o facă repede şi să-l cu peste, he said. 

Inutil să mai spunem, Eram naucit si deprimat. I spoke with my wali about it. El ma sfătuit să nu vă faceţi griji, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

Şi apoi o zi, soon afterwards, În received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. sau februarie  

Pentru mai multe zile să urmeze, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. sau septembrie. să-mi dea timp să accepte situaţia. El a spus, “No”. Am început să pledeze de mai multe ori pentru mai mult timp, până când am dat seama am fost cerşit. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, el se temea ca mi-ar încerca să-l oprească.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”cu toate acestea.” My oldest sister said, a fost like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, fără să-mi dea o şansă de a mesteca.

Deci,, acum…what do În do? Poligamia a fost devine rapid mai mult de o realitate pentru mine.

Alex advised me, before and after he married mine, că el a avut nici un interes în poligamie. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Desigur, I had questions.

Alex a avut already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  El a spus, “Îmi pasă de ea.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “El (Alex) trebuie să fi fost reeeeeal trist.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex a spus Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; persoane au fost stau în casa ei, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, cu altă ocazie, said he needed to feel needed.

Primesc un pic înainte de mine în poveste aici, dar approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, el said he married her pentru că she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience cu polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. Am fost extrem de suparat pe Alex pentru ceea ce el era pe cale să facă…poligamie?  

În serile când a ajuns acasă, I ranted şi am raved. Am strigat la el din partea de sus a plămânilor mei, ţâşnească afară obscenitati. Eu nu pot repeta aceste cuvinte şi fraze aici, ca they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sometimes when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, şi then would rush back. Am făcut acest lucru în mod repetat. I kept physical distance from Alex, se potriveşte în timpul meu de furie, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Chiar şi în starea mea de furie, Am fost fricos, nu doresc să ia acţiunile mele şi comportament prea departe. Am fost ca un “nebun femeie.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (Am fost totally mortified and humilitated; Mă bucur că s-au mutat.)

Alex nu a răspuns la indignarea mea. El doar a continuat să facă ceea ce făcea, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, pentru multe nopţi, în fiecare noapte?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. Cum a fost orb de conducere orb. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

În alte momente, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Bine, era acum timp pentru mine pentru a cunoaşte mai bine soţul meu…pentru a re-aprinde focul sau, Ar trebui să spun, probabil,, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

Este uimitor faptul că de aproape cinci ani nu am ştiut cu adevărat mine, nici nu ştiu că soţul meu Alex. Am fost atat de auto-absorbit, centrat pe sine si simple arogant. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, meu vrea şi nevoile mele, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

Pentru mine, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now deveni much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

Aceasta este o casă deschisă. Nu este nevoie să bată. Doar vin pe la.

Ca dată pentru căsătorie a atras mai aproape, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. Deci,, L-am întrebat.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Luna de miere.” El a spus, nu; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much mai bine. 

Carolinah nu a trait în locaţia geografică fel ca mine, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, ca nu a trait foarte, foarte departe, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, unul cu Carolinah şi una cu mine, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

Nu am simtit ciudat la mine, fie, apoi, ca it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…amintesc, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (zâmbet).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.