Schemaläggning Problem återbesöker Mitt polygama äktenskap
av Ann maj.04, 2009, under min berättelse idag
Ja. Du har hört det rätt. Schemaläggningen problem i mitt polygama äktenskap har revisited mig. Hur i hela världen gick det till?Jag trodde inte på en miljon år skulle Alex, Carolinah, och jag är strax tillbaka där vi var, bråkar om schemat, bråka om de dagar. Ett schema är en enkel sak att räkna ut och sätta ihop ... Rätt?Du skulle tro det.
Jag ska försöka göra detta så kort som möjligt, eftersom vi har varit över schemaläggning problem här ganska ofta innan. Jag är lite generad över att presentera den för er igen. Jag övervägde att inte göra det, men ni alla har varit med mig hela tiden, resande med mig, så jag tycker att du borde vara med mig om detta även.
Den sista gången vi talade om schemat, Jag informerade om att det hade varit klar för återstoden av året 2009. Till resumé, Alex tyckte Carolinah berodde mer semester,men jag tyckte inte att hon var. Ändå, Hon fick fyra dagar. Schemat har ändrats lite sedan jag senast skrev. Alex kommer vara med mig under jul och nyheter år även om vi inte fira. Carolinah inte mycket vård, som hon har att arbeta semester. Hon har den typen av jobb. Så, schemat är klar för resten av året.
Alex är planerad att inledas en stanna hemma semester med Carolinah morgon i elva dagar (sju dagar plus de fyra makeup dagar som jag nämnde ovan). Before Alex left me on Thanksgiving Day to go be with Carolinah, Jag fick plötsligt en uppenbarelse att de fyra dagar som Alex hade gett Carolinah berodde inte henne alls. En lampa tändes i mitt huvud och det hela blev livligt klart för mig. Jag förde den till Alex uppmärksamhet och förklarade. Det drev honom till vansinne förstås. Han hatar att göra med schemaläggning frågor. Han gick på och på om hur schemat var redan förberett för resten av året. Jag rådde honom att jag inte önskar honom att ändra schemat eller ta dagar från Carolinah. Jag rådde honom att jag bara ville få ersättning för de dagar, ges fyra dagar samt, whether this year or next.
Detta samtal ägde rum torsdag (Thanksgiving Day). Igår, Lördag, Jag funnit bevis för att Carolinah inte berodde dessa fyra dagar. Jag tyckte det schema som Alex hade förberett med alla Carolinah makeup dagar och dagar semester. Jag mailade det till honom. Det är då kaos började. Alex och jag mailade fram och tillbaka större delen av dagen. Alex frågar mig hur jag beräknat; när hon fick dagarna, och vilken typ av dagar de var osv, etc, etc.… Han insisterade hon inte fick sina dagar. Han började bli det gamla sättet vi brukade göra planeringen (tills min Wali ingrep) förväxlas med hur vi gör planeringen sedan juni 2009. Baserat på det gamla sättet att göra saker, vilket är den tid perioden i fråga,alla sina dagar redovisats. Alex, vid ett tillfälle, stopped responding to my emails and I had become worked up in a tizzy by then.
Jag mailade Alex ett antal gånger under kvällen och i tidigt på morgonen med min styrka att Carolinah berodde inte dagar. Jag försökte göra det så tydligt och så enkelt som att jag kunde. I själva verket, Jag har precis avslutat e-posta honom precis innan jag började skriva det här inlägget, att se om han hade kommit till en slutsats. Han ville inte maila mig tillbaka. Jag ringde honom på hans mobiltelefon; dock, Han svarade inte. Han är på grund hem snart, så jag borde ta reda på slutet på historien.
Jag är väldigt störd av vad som skett eftersom jag vet Carolinah var väl medveten om att hon inte berodde dessa dagar som hon fick, men hon talade inte upp. Jag är störd eftersom Alex, som borde vara på toppen av schemat, en enkel grundläggande del av polygami, kan aldrig få det rätt. Jag är störd, som jag vet inte hur mycket ett bedrägeri har begåtts av Alex och Carolinah tidigare när de upprättat schema. Ja, Jag vet att det var delvis mitt fel för att inte vara en aktiv deltagare i att tidsplanen för cirka två och ett halvt år. Jag kunde bara inte hantera äktenskap på ett schema på den tiden.
Hur Alex hanterar denna fråga skulle bestämma hur vårt äktenskap vinning. Jag har rådde honom för att i en av de e-postmeddelanden. Om han inte kan vara rättvis med mig efter alla uppoffringar jag har gjort i detta äktenskap för honom att vara med Carolinah, då måste jag fråga om jag behöver vara kvar i det. Om Alex inte kan få en enkel tidtabell rätt, vi har tittat på några allvarliga problem framöver.
Jag håller er uppdaterade!
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
11/29/09
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Som salaamu Alaikum!
Välkommen till Polygami 411! Vårt hem är för muslimer och icke-muslimer. Det är för alla som vill prata om polygami, eller någon som är i polygama äktenskap eller överväger att komma in en. Vi gillar att ha sällskap. Gör det bekvämt för dig och delta i diskussionen genom att lämna en kommentar. Vi ser fram emot att se dig här igen snart och ofta.
resa 4 mindre!
November 29th, 2009 på 6:31 PM
I “feel you” girl. And I also feel FOR you. You need a lot of LOVE, WISDOM and GRACE from the SPIRIT of GOD to deal with this successfully – however you decide to handle it. I suggest that as long as you stay in the relationship – live in love toward them. Don’t be nit-picky about your schedule or anything else. But do require honesty from them or else.
If Alex doesn’t want to be honest with you or FAIR or JUST then He is violating His right to have a Polygamous marriage – according to the Koran right?
I suggest that you bring this to your “elders” attention and have them deal with it. Let Alex know that you are not playing. Don’t be his fool. You do not want to appear as the weak or “needy” one.
Be strong. Don’t be afraid of being alone. You can find a much better husband than Alex if need be. I believe you have a lot to offer which the right person would sincerely appreciate. Perhaps you have outgrown your relationship with Alex.
Just some food for thought.
November 29th, 2009 på 7:42 PM
Oooh, that is so very sweet and comforting. Thank you Curtis Farmer!
I have good news; at least I think it is. Alex and I came to a resolution. At first it entailed somewhat of a heated argument and then we calmed down and he conceded I was right about the schedule. Så, I’ve selected my days, which I’ll take in February. I truly felt this was the turning point…not so much about getting my way, but about fairness and justice.
Förresten, I swung by your blog. It’s very, very nice. I think when Alex leaves tomorrow, I’ll get a chance to visit and spend some time with you there
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
November 30th, 2009 på 2:49 AM
Tja, what did I say about ‘flexibility’ ?
November 30th, 2009 på 5:42 AM
I hear you (LOL), but flexibility is out the door when it comes to me. There is no flexibility when there is no love in the heart of a wife for a husband’s other “fru.” I’m sure flexibility would be nice
November 30th, 2009 på 6:40 AM
Oh, I almost forgot; I was flexible. Alex was quite generous. He insisted that I take three additional days that I accused him and Carolinah of taking from me this past July. I declined and said I wouldn’t revisit the issue with those three days again. I wonder how many days were misplaced when I was in a semi-comatose state.
Hur som helst, it’s all good. With my four days in February, I secured Valentine’s Day although I shouldn’t celebrate (I can’t help it. Love is in the air everywhere that day). With President’s Day attached, it bought me seven days. I may treat Alex to a cruise on those days, if I can find a convenient one, Insha Allah.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
November 30th, 2009 på 9:56 PM
I think this man likes to see women fight over him.
Don’t give him the satisfaction. Be independent and strong.
December 1st, 2009 på 2:50 AM
Chatelaine, I think you have a point there. “Independent and strong” is good. I was wondering whether Alex was enjoying the dissention.
One of my sisters, just this evening, said to me, “He must have a big head (ego)” with Carolinah and me fighting over spending time with him.
Alex spent part of the day with me today. He left late this afternoon. I was very strong when he left, no mushy, gushy, Jag älskar dig, crying, sad stuff. Thank God much for that. As Curtis Farmer stated, I shouldn’t be a “weak”, “needy”, fool”.
I feel at peace and content with his absence at the moment. I can only pray that I’ll steadily continue to grow and get better.
Tack, Chatelaine.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 1st, 2009 på 2:55 AM
Haji Rafiq, I was expecting you to get hit with a lot of questions, since you live polygamy and could possibly shed some light on the subject from a male’s perspective. I can say you’ve enlightened me, regarding some things.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 1st, 2009 på 11:16 AM
Hi Ana,
Could I ask you to share with us some time what the positives are in your relationship with Alex? These are the things I’ve heard so far: (using my own words)
1. It could be worse.
2. Even though there is a second wife, at least it makes me feel that I’m first.
3. Everthing is ordained to be the way it is. I’m free to leave, but if that happens, it will have been ordained.
Thanks Ana, as always, J.
December 1st, 2009 på 7:48 PM
Yes Judith. I certainly could do that. I’m so used to venting about the negative, and not talking about the good things that happen in my marriage; I could see how it appears there is only bad in it. I surmise that is why I haven’t been writing much lately about my life, as there hasn’t been much drama to speak of. I’ve just been settling in. Men, it is part of my journey so I should write about it.
Så, I will move on. It may be awkward initially. I feel in talking about the good in my life, I’m gloating. I’ll try to get past that though and share.
Judith, thanks for helping me move my writing forward in a new direction.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 1st, 2009 på 8:14 PM
As I stated before, Alex likes to see the two of you struggle over him. Stop struggling, and simply make yourself less available to him. Explore other interests outside of your home. Consider taking classes at a university, or perhaps take practical classes in the arts for your entertainment and self development. You will find this to be a pleasant diversion, and you may meet interesting people as well. Too much of your life and your time is focused on Alex, his needs, and your need to have him in your life. He hardly spends any time taking your needs into consideration, so why make his needs your priority? What exactly does Alex offer to you, other than the title “Mrs.” in front of your name?
December 1st, 2009 på 9:06 PM
Chatelaine, you offered good advice. There are good things happening in my life with Alex that I don’t speak of. I intend for that to change. I’m glad Judith brought it to my attention today. I’ve been intending to take the blog in a different direction to show the positive aspects of polygamy as I know of them, and see them in my life.
I am quite busy and not totally pre-occupied with Alex. I have begun preliminary work on my business, but need to spend more time with it and take it further. It is going to entail a tremendous amount of work, putting together the business plan and obtaining financing and all. It concerns me, as I’ve grown so attached to spending so much time with everyone here, writing and reading and I dislike the thought of not being able to communicate as often with everyone. I can’t even find enough time to visit all my friends’ blogs and I feel badly about it.
I’ve been trying to get the new marriage site up and running, samt. It’s technically challenging. I hope to have that in effect by the New Year. Så, I have been quite busy with things besides Alex. I guess there’s no way of anyone knowing that unless I speak up about it. Thank you much, Chatelaine for your earnest concern, and all your suggestions. It mean very much to me
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 2nd, 2009 på 11:54 PM
What are your expectations of a relationship with a man?
What was the nature of your relationship with your father ?
What was the nature of the relationship between
your mother and your father ?
December 3rd, 2009 på 1:25 AM
Chatelaine, those are very good questions. Why do you ask?
I’m going to contemplate my answers to those questions and contemplate how those relationships may have impacted my life and my expectations of a relationship.
Do you think there is a relation between the answers to those questions and the reason women end up accepting polygamous relationship?
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 3rd, 2009 på 1:33 PM
Sounds ok, but please ignore such advice as be less available to him. What do such people have in mind? I see that you came to a solution. With love, flexibility and good intentions you can always find a solution. Your flexibility will be a good investment as you will be appreciated and lobed more.
December 3rd, 2009 på 10:46 PM
Hem,
My theory is that women who accept polygyny may be willing to accept a relationship with a man who is only partially available to them physically and emotionally. Perhaps a woman would accept this polygynous relationship model as being acceptable because her parents had a relationship where there was significant emotional or physical distance, or because the woman had an unavailable or distant father. That is my hypothesis.
December 4th, 2009 på 6:06 AM
Haji rafiq, it’s funny, Alex is with Carolinah on vacation this week and part of next. He emailed me on Wednesday and said he’d like to come over Thursday. I said OK. He’s done that in the past when he’s been with her and I used to try to analyze it all. Was he not having such a good time with her? Did he rather be with me than her? Den här gången, I didn’t do that, as it didn’t matter and it felt good not caring.
The main reason I wouldn’t make myself less available to Alex is because I believe that was part of what got him and me into the situation that we currently are in. I wasn’t available for him before he married Carolinah. I was not, despite my reasons for not being.
I think being less available may work in a dating relationship, but not necessarily a marriage. Now I can certainly see the importance of a wife having “a life” and not being “needy”, otherwise her husband could be put off by her or he becomes her lord and that’s not good either. The way I see it; there needs to be a balance.
I’m happy he and I reach a solution.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 4th, 2009 på 6:55 AM
Chatelaine,
I think there may be truth in your theory. I believe what happens in our lives, during our formative years gives shape to who we are. I had a “distant”, “unavailable” biological father. My mother was cold, aloof, and emotionally detached from my stepdad. She didn’t realize she loved him until after she divorced him. I was the same toward Alex and didn’t take notice of him until he “gift” Carolinah. It’s all so interesting.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
December 4th, 2009 på 6:02 PM
I see you have great insight.
May it guide your decision making in your relationship.
January 20th, 2010 på 5:54 PM
Are you sure you are not married to my husband?? Seriously Ana, I feel for you. My family goes down this road off and on also, and when it’s on it can be miserable. Some people, in particular people who don’t adjust well to schedules or who refuse to accept them in their hearts, aren’t meant for polygamy. At least that is how I feel. A schedule kept is the only way, with some flexibility of course, to maintain tranquility and respect in my belief. Grr I hate the schedule.
January 20th, 2010 på 11:32 PM
You said a mouth full New#3. Refusing in our hearts to accept a schedule is a huge problem. It’s sooooo difficult. I still sit down and study the schedule often to make sure Carolinah doesn’t have any advantage over me. I hate the way it makes me feel, so petty and obsessive.
There was an incident recently. When Alex and I last went away on vacation in November, he left Carolinah early in the a.m., earlier than he normally would have left her if he had to go to work, as we had a plane to catch. Jag tänkte; I’m going to hear this again one day soon.
Visst nog, I heard it. The past recent holidays, Carolinah had to work them. I guess she had off a Saturday after to make up for it. Alex spoke to me about leaving me early that Sat. He wanted to leave around 10:00 a.m instead of 4:00ish p.m. He cited he had some hours to make up with her from our vacation. Jag sa nej. Make them up the next time she has vacation. I know it was petty and mean, but I’m sorry. Why should I accomodate her? She won’t even acknowledge I exist.
New#3, I understand exactly what you speak of. No one knows it better than me. Haji Rafiq, wouldn’t like what we say. He’s an advocate for flexibility. You mentioned flexibility is good. I believe flexibility is good too. I’m just having a difficult time with flexibility.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.
January 21st, 2010 på 9:29 AM
‘flexibility’. One of the ways mean people take advantage of kind people. No thanks. I prefer the sound of ‘backbone.’
January 21st, 2010 på 1:12 PM
I hear you! Give a person an inch and they take a mile. By saying no to that Saturday request, it prevents me from having to deal with anymore of them. And you know they would have been coming. I have no reason to have any consideration for Carolinah.
Detta är ett öppet hus. Inget behov av att slå. Bara kom in.