Polygamy 411

I have threatened divorce repeatedly throughout the two and a half years that I have been in my polygamous marriage, married to Alex.  The threats began from the day Alex told me that he was going to take a second wife (marry Carolinah), and continued up until very recently, just a little over one month ago.  Of course my threats of divorce made to Alex were more frequent in the beginning of our polygamous marriage, but declined over time.

I felt wanting a divorce was a natural initial reaction for me-somewhat like a reflex, a knee jerk reaction you might say.  If I never accepted polygamy from day one of learning that it was a right for a man in Islam, how could I so readily accept it upon learning by surprise polygamy was about to become a reality in my life.

I threatened to divorce Alex so many times for quite a few reasons.  I thought perhaps by saying I wanted a divorce, he wouldn’t actually engage in polygamy; he wouldn’t marry Carolinah.  I then thought I’d torment him and cause him much hurt and pain by proposing divorce to him.  I suppose I liked knowing he still loved me, as well.  He let me know so sincerely-the art of persuasion-that he didn’t want a divorce.  Persuading me didn’t take much.  I just needed to know he still loved me. Alex not wanting a divorce was proof enough for me, coupled with acting in a loving and affectionate manner.

Even when Alex was away on business for a whole year (from Sept. 2007 – Sept. 2008), I still found myself speaking of divorce to him in emails.  It was during that time that I sought legal counsel from a divorce attorney.  Divorce kept resurfacing in my thoughts every now and again when I thought about my polygamous life, and didn’t like living it.  I never liked living polygamy.  Now, today as I write (July 14, 2009) living polygamy is much easier for me.

Over the last two and a half years of living polygamy, I have weighed the pros and cons of divorcing Alex.  The good of staying married to Alex far outweighs the bad.  The only good that I could think of in divorcing Alex is the fact that I wouldn’t be living polygamy anymore.  And I’m now beginning to wonder if not living polygamy would be very good for me, as I’m beginning to appreciate some benefits of living it…benefits I was aware of before, but didn’t give a flying xxxx (if only I could use obscene language here) about.

I’m hopeful not to threaten divorce to Alex again.  I wouldn’t want him to surprisingly take me up on the offer, and cause more drama in my world.  We must be careful threatening divorce.  My mom (she was monogamous) divorced my dad.  She still loved him though.  She thought he’d come crawling and begging his way back, but he didn’t.  You might wonder what my mom’s monogamous marriage has to do with my polygamous marriage.  Her love for my dad after their divorce till the day he died (27 years later) showed me how divorce can backfire.

I am in a polygamous marriage, and have a dilemma. The problem has to do with business. I have decided to start my own. Now, I must decide whether to make my husband Alex my partner. The business would be based on years of experience and expertise that I have from working in a particular field for many, many years. Considering the years of experience and my expertise, I envision the business will be successful.

Starting a business and being polygamous is the problem. Where does my husband Alex fit in? Should I make him my partner or not?  He would be very good for the business and I see many, many benefits in him being my partner. He has a good sense of business and a knack for managing finances. On the other hand, there is Carolinah (his other wife.)

Alex’s “marriage” to Carolinah presents a problem. Why? Do I really want to help Alex take care of another woman (Carolinah), her house, her property, and her children, anymore than I already am? I keep harping on the fact that Alex spends half our marital monies on all the above already. Do I want to make Alex’s life easier so he could make Carolinah’s life easier and more comfortable as well?  What happens if I die before Alex?  Do I really want to set him up so he could walk away with a business that we built so he could live happily ever after with Carolinah?  Do I want to make Alex a legal partner in my business so he could walk away with part of it, if we divorce?

The more I contemplate my polygamous marriage and a business with Alex, the more I think I don’t want his name legally on anything belonging to me at this stage of my polygamous life.  If it becomes time for me to rock and roll (leave my marriage) and divorce Alex, I don’t need any new created thing to hold me back. There are huge benefits in making Alex my partner, but there are huge risks as well.

It’s exciting and confusing at the same time to start a business. There are countless details to discuss and decisions to make. A polygamous marriage adds to the number of details that one must be consider when starting a business. To decide whether to make my husband Alex a partner was a no brainer when we were monogamous…not anymore, not while being polygamous

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I still continued, in a state of hysteria, to reach out to Alex on days that weren’t my turn. I know you’re probably thinking that what I was doing  was “messed up.”   You are right.  I just did it and kept doing it.  Although sincerely distraught, I knew, in the back of my mind, exactly what I was doing.

Alex came over to calm me down a couple of times on Carolinah’s days.  I tried to explain to Alex that where he slept nights, with reference to Carolinah and I, counted and that he could see both Carolinah and me on each other’s days.  Alex chose to differ.

Nonetheless, one of those not my turn days, Alex came over to comfort me.  He said, “I’ll divorce her if you want me to, but I’ll hate you!”  What?  Now, what was that supposed to mean?  He’ll divorce her, but he’ll hate me.  Well why on earth would I want to stay married to and live with someone who hates me?  That’s bazaar.  I don’t even know what the statement means.

Needless to say,  I was not going to take part in the decision-making process with Alex on whether he should divorce Carolinah.  I don’t even think that Alex divorcing Carolinah would or could be of any benefit to his and my marriage. Our marriage has been turned upside down and twisted around so much; no one can straighten it out, not by Carolinah, Alex, or me.

Allah SWT is The Doer of what He wills.  Therefore, I must continue to live life and go where Allah takes me.

My best friend said that I would become a slave to Alex, if I asked him to divorce Carolinah.  I would become subservient to Alex, trying to make him happy and keep him happy.  The non-verbal or verbal threat of returning to Carolinah or going to someone else would become a tool for Alex to keep me submissive to him.

If anyone reading this post can interpret Alex’s statement -”I’ll divorce her, but I’ll hate you”- I please ask you to share the meaning with me.

Just the other day, a sister-in-faith left a comment for me that was very profound. It was heavy enough to call for a post of its own.  The statement she made gave rise to a question  many of you have probably wanted to ask me or asked yourselves.

The sister commented: “I can’t say i understand your need to stay married to this man. Yes, islamically what he did was acceptable but that does not mean you have to agree with it or live with it.”

I sometimes lose focus and ask myself why I stay with Alex.  And then I remember why things are the way they are:

Allah has commanded people to patiently persevere and wait on His decision. If Allah has decreed Alex and my divorce or separation, He has not made it known to me yet.

Allah has commanded people to exercise patience in all our affairs (marriage, business, job, etc). I must seek Allah’s help with patience, perseverance and prayer. Allah is the best to decide and He has commanded us to accept His decisions with enthusiasm. Accepting Allah’s decisions with enthusiasm has been my struggle and I continue to struggle with it.

It’s good to remind one another about what Allah says. I thank Allah SWT that He allowed the sister to remind me.