Polygamy 411

The more I thought about Alex’s preoccupation with Carolinah or whatever was distracting him at the time – what else could it be?- the more infuriated I got with the two of them.  So what to do now?  OK…Carolinah was giving Alex and me something to think about…let me give her something to think about as well.

So, I text her… and I text her… and I text her.  I will tell you only some of the things  I said to her.  Some things were just repetitious of what I had said to her in earlier voicemail messages to her.  For instance, I told her to keep imagining what it would be like to have a “real” husband.  I told her to keep trying to convince herself that she has one – a “real” husband.

But, I think the most disturbing part for her was…I told her that I owned part of her house.  I let her know that if anything were to happen to Alex, I was coming after my equity in her house.  After all, my husband’s monies are helping her pay for her (their) house. Alex’s monetary interest in her house is my interest. It’s called “marital interest”- State – Family Law.  Not once did I forego my marital rights under the laws of the state in which I live.  I guess Alex and Carolinah didn’t consider that when they were planning their marital bliss.

I advised Carolinah that the insurance policy that Alex had obtained for her was not going to get paid, if anything happened to him. (Alex took out an insurance policy for Carolinah after the two of them first married.)  Do you think the insurance company is going to pay that policy when they find out Alex took that policy out for his illegal “wife”- polygamy?

I just wanted to give her something else to think about or to at least make me feel better, which I did.  From those moments on, I began to feel much, much, better.  At that moment, I began to begin my vacation.  I gave her something much more serious to think about, not only while I was on vacation, but every day to follow from that moment on.

Alex and my seventh wedding anniversary is this weekend.  Alex had prepared the schedule for Carolinah and me  since Jan 1, 2009.  I think I mentioned in an earlier post  that Alex arrived at my home on Jan. 1, as he wanted to change the schedule.  He wanted to stay the night with me so he could be with Carolinah on the weekend.  I sent him back to her.  Who did they think they were to make changes without consulting me.

Before he left that day, we went over our schedule for the next several months.  He and Carolinah apparently had prepared it.  Earlier I had  informed him that I would not make a schedule, but I would approve or disapprove one.   He scheduled us to be together six days during our wedding anniversary instead of our usual three days here and three days there. I wasn’t excited about it nor did I ask for it, but- what the heck. He emphasized his wish to spend each of our anniversaries and birthdays with each of us.

Anyhow, Alex was excited about  celebrating our upcoming anniversary.  He talked much about it during our vacation last week and when we got home.  He had a surprise planned for us.

Well, Alex called me a couple of days ago. He wasn’t expected home until the weekend.  He said he would be home that evening.  I asked why.  He said he’d talk to me about it when he got home.  I asked if he and Carolinah had argued.  He said, “Yes. What do you think?”  Since he was changing the schedule, I wanted to confirm he’d still be home on the weekend for our anniversary.  He said, ”No.”  He wouldn’t.  I told him that he better not come home then.  He said he was coming anyhow.  I spontaneously said, ”If you come here, I’ll call the cops.”  He said he couldn’t go to Carolinah’s house, as she could call the cops. He said it was legal for him to come to my house.

Alex and I were on the phone arguing for the next few hours or more.  He said Carolinah was upset about the texts that I had sent her and she and he had argued for the last three days.  He said she wanted the schedule to go back to the three days, three days.  She changed her mind about letting him stay with me on a six-day schedule for our anniversary.  I asked if he was crazy to think he would spend my wedding anniversary with her.  He said that was the way she wanted it and I shouldn’t have sent the texts.  He said her job gave her off the weekend and she wanted him there with her.

I advised Alex that if Carolinah would not allow him to go there, she forfeited her days.  He said, “No.”  I told him to go stay at his mother’s home or someplace, but he couldn’t come to my house.

Talking about blood pressure rising… I thought I’d stroke out or something.  I told him that woman could run his life but she wasn’t going to run mine.  I told him I was calling my friend (Wali).  He freaked out, asking me how I could disrespect him by calling another man.  We went back and forth.  I was hysterical.  I called him so many names, such as “a coward, punk” to put it mildly…there was much, much more, of course.

We telephoned each other back and forth.  He said he was on the phone with Carolinah trying to convince her to change her mind.  I’m like…”ARE YOU CRAZY!”   I told him, if he didn’t come here this weekend I was going to go start divorce proceedings Tuesday.  He called me back and said he thought he had convinced Carolinah to leave the schedule as it was, as we are to honor contracts.

It’s war now!  I’ve calmed down minutely and I’m a bit more rational now.  I am not going to divorce Alex.  I’m going to live in this polygamous marriage and we will see which of the three of us breaks down first.

I’ll keep you posted on whether Alex and I spend our anniversary together this weekend or whether he celebrates my anniversary with Carolinah.

The wait…It was extremely stressful for me, waiting to see if Alex would come home for his and my anniversary.  Although I believed he’d be here, I had no definitive answer. He had refused to give me one. I think you’d agree knowing something with certainty is way better than being on edge, wanting, waiting and hoping,not knowing what would be.

Alex telephoned me on his way home, as he normally does, asking if I needed him to pick up anything on his way in. What a relief… Now the wondering was over for me. I suggested we drive to pickup Halal Chinese food (approx. 40 minutes from our home.)  He was receptive. He came home and dropped off a new vacuum cleaner that I had told him we needed.  We went for the drive, stopped at a bakery, as well, and came back home. It was a good, uneventful evening.

I asked Alex if I should get ready at any specific time or wear anything in particular for our anniversary, which was the next day, as I didn’t know where he’d made plans for us to go.   He said he hadn’t planned anything. He said he thought I had planned something. He said we usually don’t do anything on the holiday weekend; we do something before the holiday begins.  To me, it was not absolute about how we’d do things.  However, I thought, well, we had gone away on vacation just the week before. We celebrated our anniversary the entire time we were there. The resort helped us celebrate by giving us the royal, special treatment and we had an anniversary package.  So what more could I ask for?

Nonetheless, the stress was still there…stress… polygamy…added stress. Life is stressful enough. What happens when one adds polygamy? … POLYGAMOUS STRESS!

Did Alex’s deceive Carolinah by not telling her the truth that he and I would be away on vacation, celebrating our anniversary? Did it  spark the chain of events?  Were my text messages to Carolinah the Catalyst for the dark, thick cloud that hung over what I only days before perceived would be my special weekend-my anniversary?

The excruciating, deep, overwhelming, terrible pain that polygamy causes some women seems to lingers  indefinitely. The pain could last sometimes for years. For me, the pain I felt after Alex married Carolinah has subsided tremendously. It’s been two years and ten months. The pain still resurfaces periodically, when I allow my thoughts to drift off to the two of them; when  I begin to think of what they’re doing intimately; when I think of how the two of them plotted and planned; how Carolinah latched on my husband and dismissed me – all the things I have so often spoken of on the blog.

Yesterday, I spoke with my best friend about the most recent article that I posted, “A Malaysia First Wife Speaks of Polygamy.”  I advised him that the woman interviewed described the pain that she felt when she learned her husband had secretly married another woman. I advised him that I could feel her pain as I read her story. He said I felt my pain, not her pain when I read her story.  What she described made me feel my pain again, he said. I thought what he said was profound. I began to think about it and realized the truth in it. He explained how a person cannot feel another person’s pain. He gave me some examples and I thought it was so true. The numbness the woman in the article felt; feeling “zombie” like; the crying for maybe a year; the waves of emotions – I felt and lived it all. It all hurt so badly and still does sometimes, not as often though, which is a mercy.

I think about the different forms of polygamy. Some women in polygamous relationships live it voluntarily. Some are  thrust into it, not by choice. Some women, like me for instance, experience a pain living polygamy that is almost indescribable. It is a pain I could never forget. Remnants of it are always with me. I remember the lyrics of a song I heard when I was a teenager, “Pain is in my heart, tearing me apart.”I can relate to those lyrics.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I thought the most difficult obstacle that I had to overcome was surviving my husband’s (Alex’s) honeymoon with his second wife (Carolinah).  After all, I would be home alone, knowing my husband had just wedded another woman and, I assumed, would be enjoying a joyous intimate time with her.  I thought how I would maintain my sanity, imagining the scenario of what was about to happen, and what was taking place?

I never dreamed it would be as easy as it was for me. I thank Allah SWT much. He took me through that day, and made me victorious. I survived.  Allah SWT made it easy for me, after many, many prayers to Him, and imploring His help.

I will still have uphill battles that I will have to  conquer and I believe I will be successful at it. For all those women out there who are facing this challenge, there is hope and they can do it with the help of Allah SWT. The Holy Month of Ramadan is approaching fast and the help of Allah SWT is always near.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I am sure all wives in polygamy have sad days.  Today was a sad day in polygamy for me, a wife in polygamy. I’ve done very well for a pretty long time.  It was bound to happen that sooner than later I’d begin to feel down. That is how I woke up today feeling. I know the reason.

My husband Alex has been out of the State on a business trip since Monday (today is Friday – just to give a timeline). He was with me for three days before he left for business.  He returned today, and will be with Carolinah this evening, for three days. I was sad because he would be with her instead of me. The schedule had always worked in the past that he’d leave me and go away on business, and would come back to me. You know; he’d be with me the day before the business trip and I’d still have two days left with him upon his return (our schedule is three days with me and then three days with her).

The thought of Alex going “home” to Carolinah this evening was constantly on my mind. (I’m getting better, as I was able to call her place “home”.) Yes! I thought about the intimacy part; the two of them being reunited in sexual bliss. I kept fighting the thoughts, remembering Allah (SWT).  It was an intense battle going on in my head  I had determination to win over Satan, though.

I knew Alex would call me when his plane landed. I had decided I wouldn’t answer. Yep…I’d ruin his weekend with Carolinah when he was unable to reach me. And then my home telephone rang. I checked Caller ID and it was Alex. I wanted badly to answer, but I didn’t. Then he called my cell phone. I didn’t answer. He called my home phone again. I didn’t answer.  I began to feel very badly. How could I intentionally want to hurt Alex that way?  Had something happened to him and he was trying to reach me? He called my cell phone again.  This was his fourth attempt.  I answered.

Alex said he was back. His plane had landed. I had really missed him, and wanted him to come home. I held back tears and was very strong.  I didn’t say the mushy stuff that I felt  like:  “I missed you and I wish you were coming home. I love you” blah, blah, blah.  He said he was going to his mother’s home to check on her. I sensed he wanted me to say I’d go there, as well, so he could see me. I wanted to tell him that I’d go there.  I knew that wasn’t the thing to do. So, I refrained.  He said he’d be home very early on Monday, as he’d have the day off from work.  I got off the phone quickly as I was becoming very emotional and I didn’t want him to know it.

Once I hung up, I kept fighting. I was battling with thoughts and with the need to breakdown and cry.  I couldn’t reach my best friend. I kept remembering what my Egyptian friend, Abdul, had always repeatedly advised me.  He said, “Make yourself busy. You have to keep yourself busy. Don’t think too much.” I got dressed and went to the Mall. I kept remembering Allah (SWT). I’m happy now!

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I recently received a comment in reply to a question that I asked when I first began this blog: “I’ve heard that most men who practice polygamy usually have a very kind heart. What do you think?”

Initially when I first began writing this blog, I found myself leaning towards writing superficially. I wanted to paint Alex as a good, kind hearted person of perfection. Needless to say, I quickly caught myself, brought myself back to reality, and remembered to keep my story real, not sugar coat it, nor clean it up to make it sound good.

I wonder if it was natural for me to want to defend Alex. I thought about women who have experienced domestic violence and how, more often than not, they defend their husbands. The husband might have thrown her down a flight of stairs, blackened her eye, and left her with black and blue bruises all about her body, etc… You’ve heard the stories. And yet, afterwards she says something like: He’s a good man.  He loves me.  He treats me real good.  He’s wonderful. He just did those things because blah, blah, blah…but he really didn’t mean it.

Emotional and psychological abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, says the experts with training in the field of ”Domestic Violence.”  I asked myself if there is some similarity to the way I sometimes think of Alex and the way women of domestic violence think of their husbands. I mean, after all, why would I praise a man who took another wife against my wishes, without compassion for me, without consulting with me, and watched me suffer day in and day out?

Do some wives in polygamous marriages, like women in domestic violence, put up a defense mechanism, as well?  In a previous post I spoke about “Why I stay” in my marriage.  Why I stay should not prevent me from recognizing who Alex is.  I need to be careful to whom I give praise.  I caught that early on in my writings.

All praise is due to Allah.

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience with polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. I was extremely angry at Alex for what he was about to do…polygamy?  

In the evenings when he arrived home, I ranted and I raved. I yelled at him from the top of my lungs, spurting out obscenities. I can’t repeat those words and phrases here, as they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Sometimes when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, and then would rush back. I did this repeatedly. I kept physical distance from Alex, during my fits of rage, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. Even in my state of fury, I was fearful, not wanting to take my actions and behavior too far. I was like a “crazy woman.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (I was totally mortified and humilitated; I’m glad they moved.)

Alex never responded to my outrage. He just continued doing what he was doing, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, for many nights, every night?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. How it was the blind leading the blind. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

At other times, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Well, it was now time for me to get to know my husband better…to re-ignite the fire or, I should probably say, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

Constant, continuous thoughts of Alex and Carolinah occupied my mind. Nothing anyone said mattered. I had been a very content person most of the time, high-spirited, always smiling and upbeat.  I used to have good times with the few, very, very close friends that I had. (I am more of a reserved personality type.) My most dear and precious friends were my Wali, his wife and family.  We’d been together conducting business, learning Islam, going through trials and tribulations together for over twenty years.

My Wali tried to help me accept polygamy and stay focused on Allah.  I valued what he said and listened to him most of the time, but now when he spoke, it seemed like I wasn’t there. I just heard a voice and words.  I barely even smiled anymore, only when expected to, usually when greeting someone. I didn’t feel any joy…just severe sadness. I definitely wasn’t myself. It was sad to see My Wali sad. He said when I hurt he hurt.  It seemed like it was the first time he couldn’t  help me.

When I was at work, I’d speak with my mom on the phone, my sister, Alex’s mother or one of his other relatives and as soon as I mentioned my polygamous situation my voice changed.  I didn’t sound like me. It sounded like another voice took over. It all happened naturally.  I couldn’t control it. I had difficulty getting words out. I didn’t cry. I felt like-who is this person speaking (referring to myself)?  I tried to stay calm every time I spoke with someone about my polygamous marriage, but this other voice always emerged. The recipient on the other line could all the time tell. My mom always said, “I know you are upset. I can hear it in your voice.”

My co-workers had to notice a difference in me. They overheard my conversations; I’m sure. Although I was pretty certain they didn’t know I was a party to polygamy, they probably thought Alex was having an affair. I cared somewhat about my co-workers hearing my conversation; I didn’t care enough to stop having them. 

One time I stopped over my sister’s house.  I thought I had my emotions all under control. I thought I could do it…I brought up the topic of Alex and Carolinah.  As I began to talk about it, almost immediately, I busted into tears. I apologized. “I’m sorry”, I said.  I was so embarrassed, so humiliated. 

Another time I was home in the evening. Alex was not there. He was with Carolinah. I was on the phone talking with my sister. I was so upset.  She quickly came over. She lived only minutes away.  I was extremely distraught, couldn’t stop crying. I said, “I don’t even want to live anymore.”  My sister immediately called my Wali. He drove, speeding, twenty-miles to my home. It seemed like he had arrived within ten minutes. I had calmed down much by then. The three of us went for a short drive to get take-out coffee. I waited in the car.  Things seemed OK now. They took me home and they left. 

When I spoke with my Wali the next day, he said last night he thought it was all over for me. It wasn’t the last time something like this happened to me.

Evidently Alex realized by now his transition from monogamy to polygamy was not as easy as he had thought. Every night, once the schedule took effect, I called Alex on his cell phone when he was at Carolinah’s house. 

One night I called hysterically, pleading for him to come home.  Alex phoned me the next morning from his work.  I couldn’t go to work that day, as I had just stayed up the entire night sobbing and upset. My eyes were awfully swollen. I looked a wreck. Alex said he was just calling to make sure I was OK.  As soon as I heard Alex’s voice on the phone, I became hysterical.  I screamed, ”No. I’m not OK. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.  I can’t function.  I can’t even go to work.”  I continued to scream, “How could you do this to me?  Didn’t you care about me?  Didn’t you care?”  My voice drifted off faintly as I murmured, “You didn’t even care about me.”  I heard Alex, suddenly, emotionally breakdown on the phone and he hung up.  I was in a state of exhaustion at this point, so it was easy for me to drift off to sleep.

My calls to Alex during his nights with Carolinah went from pitiful to hateful. That is what I did every night on her nights. I left terrible, profane, abusive messages for Alex. He always answered the phone and spoke with me until my conversation went from being cordial to offensive.  He’d always hung up at that point and let my messages go into voice mail.

A couple of times, when Alex arrived home the next morning as scheduled, he said I had made him feel so bad while he was gone. He said he started to come home a couple of nights.  One night he said he told Carolinah I wasn’t handling things well at all and she said, “Well, maybe you should go to her.”

I, eventually, no longer had an obsessive compulsive need to call Alex while he was with Carolinah.  Alex said he preferred to have heard from me, as at least that way he knew I was OK.  He said he worried about me whether I called or not and he lost sleep.

I had lost focus on Allah SWT, during those many nights, and had placed my focus on a human being, a human being who couldn’t help me and had become the source of my problems. All help comes from Allah. Human beings will leave you, but Allah promises us that He remembers those who remember Him.