Polygamy 411

I’m wondering how polygamous husbands cope with wives that have different styles. How does a polygamous husband combine the different styles of his wives into his life?

Let me give you an example: (Remember, Carolinah and I have separate homes.) Alex married Carolinah, as his second wife, just a little less than five years  of he and I being married.  Alex and I are now married just a little over seven years now. Recently, I would say within the last several months, I’ve noticed Alex closes one particular door in our home.  We have always left that door open when no one was in there. I concluded that Carolinah must like that door in her home closed. So, occasionally I had to remind Alex to leave the door open and a couple times I actually yelled at him about it.

I’m assuming Alex has gotten the routine down packed over at Carolinah’s home, as now he’s been closing our door, regularly. The last couple days that Alex has been with me, I’ve been running behind him opening the door when he closes it.  I’ve tried not to argue with him. I’ve tried to keep peace and I’ve tried to overlook.  Today, however, was the last straw. I opened that closed door too many times.

That’s not all. I go into the bathroom and the rug is close to the toilet. I don’t like my rug near the toilet.  I know many people like those wrap around the toilet rugs, but I don’t (No offense to anyone). I confronted Alex. He said his feet were cold. I said, “What, they just got cold now in seven years?” I said, “Stick your feet out farther so they touch the rug or put on slippers.”

Anyhow, a bit later, I’m on my way to the bedroom and the door that I mentioned was closed. Yes! I confronted Alex. I said look, I’m not going to run behind you opening doors that you close. I’m not going to readjust the way I live to suit your lifestyle ”down the road” – that’s what I called Carolinah’s place. I said the last seven years the door stayed open, but now because Carolinah likes her door closed, I have to live that way?  No. It’s not going to happen.

So, the question is how does a husband in a polygamous marriage cope with wives that have conflicting styles?  Must he remember always which of the wives’ home he is in and whether he should leave the door open or close it? Should the one wife conform to the ways of the other wife?  Should I leave the door closed and allow Carolinah to dictate how I live?  Should I leave the door closed to make it easier for Alex to stay in one routine so he doesn’t get chastised by Carolinah? Polygamous husbands – how do they cope?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. So, I asked.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” He said, no; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much better. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new lives, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, as it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (smile).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.

The day Alex married Carolinah was surprisingly uneventful for me. Allah SWT gave me ease. Alex, I’m assuming, went to work. He married Carolinah that evening. I went to work. I went shopping with a friend after work, and then went home and actually went to sleep.  No boo hooing….just peaceful sleep.

But the next day… two and three, weren’t without incident.  I let my mom and a few people know Alex had just married another woman.  Alex had said he was going to tell his mother about it weeks ago. I soon found out he hadn’t. Someone whom I had told called Alex’s mother, and gave her the 411.

Alex telephoned me at home.  He was terribly angry and upset.  I could hear it in his voice.  He said if I wanted to hurt him, I had really done it this time by telling his mother that he had married Carolinah (polygamy).  He said his mother was extremely hurt and upset and, as a result, had manifested physical symptoms.  I advised him that I didn’t tell his mother and that he had said he was going to tell her anyhow.  He screamed at me saying, “No one had to know!”  I insisted I didn’t do it.  He eventually calmed down and apologized for yelling at me.

The next evening I was totally emotional, crying and distraught, sitting all alone. I impulsively picked up the telephone and speed dialed Alex – So I thought.  A woman answered.  I yelled, “I want to talk to my husband!”  The voice asked, “Well, what makes you think he’d be here?”  I then realized it was Hafsa, Alex’s ex-wife.  I apologized to Hafsa profusely.

Hafsa immediately called Alex on his cell phone after speaking with me (Alex informed me of this days later).  Hafsa asked where he was.  She said his wife (meaning me)  had just called her looking for him.  He advised her that he was with Carolinah; he had just married her. Hafsa was beside herself upon learning Alex had married Carolinah and that they were together, experiencing their four-day, special stay.  She lit into him about how his marriage to Carolinah confirmed he had “cheated” on her with Carolinah while married to her (Hafsa).  (Alex and Hafsa had a civil State Marriage License.)   Alex always insisted, when speaking to me about it, that he didn’t have a relationship with Carolinah until he and Hafsa were “seperated” and he knew the marriage was over.

Another time I spoke on the phone with Hafsa about Alex’s marriage to Carolinah.  She said to me, “Have you seen her!”  I wasn’t going to have that conversation with Hafsa about how very un-aesthetically, unappealing Carolinah was. (Although, I had seen her photograph.)  Hafsa asked me if I was going to divorce Alex.  I said I didn’t know.  I guess she didn’t like that answer.  The next time I saw Alex, with much joy, he said he had spoken with Hafsa again and she said, “Tell your wife not to call me anymore.”

You need to know Hafsa always disliked me. I tried to befriend her before Alex and I married. When I first spoke with her on the telephone, when she finished telling me what she was going to do to me, I feared for my life.  Alex spoke with Hafsa often on the phone. I always sent “As Salaamu Alaikum” to her, but she never returned it.  She always remained silent.  Alex and her son suggested to Hafsa that she remarry Alex (Polygamy) and she told them both not to ever mention it to her again.

When you are in polygamy, you have a lot of ignorance to ignore.  Alex really knew how to annoy me when it came to his other wife Carolinah. 

One day when Alex and I were away and were dining out – I asked him if he loved Hafsa (his ex-wife) when they were married to her.  He replied, “I love all my wives.”  Perhaps my question was a bit ridiculous to begin with, but he knew good and darn well I wasn’t referring to his current other wife, Carolinah.  Later, after returning to the hotel room, after he had visited with some of his non-Muslim male relatives, he said to me something like…People were wondering how he was having sex with two women.

I was beginning to become depressed on this trip.  I think the polygamy of it all was beginning to really sink in and start having a physical and psychological affect on me.  Without an effort, I found myself not responding to what Alex said.

A female relative of his observed I had lost a significant amount of weight. I appeared and felt very sad. I was despondent.  She asked if Alex and I were having problems.  While looking down, I advised her that Alex had another wife besides me.  Tears rolled down my face, as we were walking and talking.  She told me to hold my head up, and not to cry; everything would be alright.

On a separate occasion, Alex and I were away again staying in a hotel.  I was on the computer planning our vacation.  In the midst of it all, he asked, “How about your sister in faith?”  With a strong degree of distaste for her in my voice, I asked, “What about her?”  He began to tell me about her need for a vacation or his need to makeup the days, or whatever.  Not caring that some of his family members were in an adjoining room, I SCREAMED – “I can’t believe we are here planning our vacation and you have the nerve to talk to me about that STUPID ITCH!”

Polygamy 411 could enlighten Muslim brothers as to some of Muslim sisters’ concerns about polygamy.  Perhaps we could all help shed some light on what would make living polygamy easier for all of us.

On one of those unusual occasions when Alex and I had a civil conversation about his marriage to Carolinah, one late evening, he said Carolinah worried a lot that he might leave her. He said, “She thinks I’m going to leave her.” He said he promised her that he would never leave her.  He said he promised her that he would never leave her, and would never stop giving her money. That totally freaked me out…

I asked Alex how he possibly could promise Carolinah something like that when only Allah SWT knows the future.  I advised him that Muslims aren’t supposed to make promises in Islam, as we don’t know what Allah has decreed for us for tomorrow. We could make our intentions, but not promises. I advised Alex that, furthermore, he had made unlawful what Allah had made lawful. Divorce is permissible in Islam. 

Another time, Alex and I had a heated argument. I told Alex that if he couldn’t afford to take care of both Carolinah and me that he should divorce her.  He forcefully said he would never do that.  It alarmed me that he stated it so passionately and with such certainty.  He said, “I would NEVER do that!”  I thought again… How could anyone be so certain about what would happen in the future?

Alex’s statements made me wonder just how much he loved Carolinah and me. I remembered Alex told me, before he married Carolinah, that he had made it clear to her that he was not going to divorce me.  He said he told her that if she was marrying him thinking that he would divorce me, it was not going to happen.  

I considered how insecure and needy Carolinah must have been to ask Alex or any man to make a promise to her like that. Would she really want Alex to stay with her under any condition and circumstance?

I’m hopeful polygamy 411 will be an encouragement for us all to check ourselves.  I was living polygamy in agony. I agonized myself. 

Although I know Allah SWT knows, sees and controls all things, I thought I’d keep watch over Alex. When he was home with me, I was almost like his shadow.  If he weren’t in the room with me, my ears tuned in, trying to hear. When he picked up the phone, I wondered who he was calling.  If he was speaking on the phone, I wondered whether he was speaking with Carolinah.  When the phone rang, I wondered if it was her. 

Alex, pretty much, didn’t leave our home without me on my days, other than to go to work.  I went with him to the store, to his mother’s home, everywhere he went, accept work.  I thought if he left to go to his mother’s, or anyplace without me, he just might end up at Carolinah’s home.  I tormented myself. 

I remember the first Saturday that was my day (after Alex married Carolinah and after all the holidays had passed); Alex came home early in the morning from being with Carolinah.  I was happy he had arrived so soon.  The next Saturday or Sunday, whichever day I expected him, he didn’t arrive in the morning. I watched the clock, and the hours pass. Morning came and left without me hearing a word from Alex. 

The early afternoon arrived.  I called Alex’s cell phone, and went directly into voicemail. I called in the early afternoon, all afternoon.  I was furious. Needless to say, I left him mean, hateful and nasty voicemail messages

Eventually, Alex came home. It was like around five o’clock p.m.  I had no conversation with him for several hours.  He was angry with me, as I wouldn’t talk to him.  What I took myself through felt like it was going to drive me crazy.

My best friend chastised me, not only once, but often, about how I spoke of Carolinah and my hatred for her. He said, if anything, I should be angry with and dislike Alex. Alex married Carolinah. He wanted to marry her. Alex had no compassion in his heart for me (shown by the way he treated me right before he began to engage in polygamy).

My friend advised me that I had no valid reason, whatsoever, to dislike Carolinah, as she had never, ever done anything to me. He said if I disliked her because she disliked Allah SWT, that would be a enough reason for me not to like her, as we should hate what Allah SWT hates, and love what Allah SWT loves. My friend stated, if Alex used Islam to have a relationship outside our (Alex and my) marriage, Alex would be accountable to Allah SWT for it, not to me.

My friend basically asked me what was wrong with Carolinah wanting a husband and all the nice things that come with a husband such as financial help etc. ? My friend’s wife reminded me that I should want for my brother (sister-in-faith) what I want for myself.

I complained to my friend that Alex and I weren’t able to spend much time together since he married Carolinah. My friend said, “Alex would not have married Carolinah if he wanted to be you 24/7.”  Ouch, that hurt.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I have received many questions about husbands from both single Muslim sisters and Muslim wives in polygamous marriages - questions such as: Does a husband feel more inclined to be with one of his wives more than the other?  Is there something in particular that he likes more about the one wife than the other that makes the inclination strong?  Does the excitement of having more than one wife wear off quickly or is the feeling pretty much constant?  Is he happy in polygamy?

Here at polygamy 411, Muslim women would like to hear some of the husbands’  thoughts on polygamy, and some of their answers to the questions posed above.