Polygamy 411

While polygamy isn’t something new in Malaysia, Muslim women’s opinions on it vary widely. Some agree, and others don’t, but they all share similar thoughts that a man should always receive blessings from his first wife.

However, what happens when one is unwittingly trapped in a semi-clandestine marriage and how does one cope when things go badly?

For 51-year-old lecturer Kamariah Rahman (not her real name), her marriage quickly turned into a nightmare after she discovered that her husband had secretly taken another wife. Here is the mother of two’s story:

“The mildest way to describe how I felt when I was told is numbness. Up till today, I’m not sure how I survived the first 24 hours. But after the initial shock had worn off, huge waves of emotion hit me and I must have cried throughout the night . . . or the entire year that followed.

“Arguments became a constant feature after that. The problems that ensued didn’t have anything to do with the other wife, but more with my husband. His trust is what I’ve never been able to live with since. To me, nothing can take the place of honour.

“Everyone at home suffered. I had to cut down on a few purchases, but it wasn’t a big deal since he remained relatively generous.

“However, we were affected in bigger ways emotionally, especially our children. They never got enough attention from their dad. On the other hand, we could see that whenever he was with the second wife’s kids, he would give them his full attention whenever they needed to speak to him.

“Experience has taught me that it is only human nature to feel that when there is more than one wife or children, special preference will exist. Sometimes, it just isn’t possible for a man to divide his love as religion tells him to do. I was my father’s favourite!

“There were times when I was so consumed in my own unhappiness that my duties and attention to the kids began to seriously dwindle as well, which should never have happened. My daughter, in a desperate attempt to reach out to me — zombie mother — wrote an excruciatingly sad poem telling me how emotionally cold I had become and that she, in turn, was now existing in an extremely lonely world.

“When I read it, I said to myself: ‘That’s it woman, enough already of the Bollywood drama! Time to shake the old bones out of this non-productive hibernation mode’. And I did.

“All in all, I am most certain that during my husband’s polygamous adventure, he must have felt that he had died and gone to the lowest level of Hades because never in his wildest imagination did he think he would end up with two very strong-willed women.

“The poor man had deluded himself into thinking that both of his wives were of the meek and mild variety. Therefore, never let it be said that we women are the gentler sex because when push comes to shove, the saying ‘Hell hath no fury’ doesn’t half describe what she is capable of.”

Credit for above information: The Star Online, Sept. 12, 2009

Are you a “secret wife?”  If you are, why? Does a man commit shirk when he marries a woman and make her a secret wife?  My understanding of shirk, for those unfamiliar with the term, is associating any created thing or human being with the Creator – Allah. Shirk is unforgivable!

“Secret wives” is undoubtedly an interesting topic. If polygamy in Islam is permissible, why make a wife a secret?  In earlier posts we briefly touched upon reasons for the secrecy. The reasons were: The husband’s parent(s) didn’t approve of the wife that the husband selected or the husband’s first wife didn’t approve of polygamy, and wouldn’t accept it.  The husband, therefore, makes the other wife a secret.

Firstly, we must assume that the husband accepts polygamy as being permissible in Islam, which is why he engaged in polygamy in the first place.  If a man has acted upon his right to engage in polygamy, then why does he let the fear of repercussions from his parent(s) or his recognized wife prevent him from dealing with his other wife in a fair and just way? Why must she be a secret? Why not let her be recognized, be rightfully known, and be respected as a wife?

In secret wives situations, it seems the husband fears man (human being), in this case meaning his parent(s) or the recognized wife more than he fears his Creator. Does the husband place his recognized wife and/or his parent(s) above or equal with his Creator when he concerns himself with pleasing his recognized wife and parent(s) while depriving his secret wife of her right to be known and respected as a wife in Islam? The husband that has a secret wife should ask himself, “Who do I serve?”   

Who does he fear?  Does he fear his parent(s), his recognized wife or his Creator?  It appears the husband fears his parent(s) or recognized wife more than he fears his Creator when he has a secret wife. In that case, does the husband commit the unforgivable sin of shirk?

I think it becomes a tricky situation when the man makes unlawful what his Creator has made lawful for him. The man who hides his wife, in essence, has made her unlawful at the same time as making her lawful.  He married her in a polygamous situation; however, at the same time, hides her out of fear of others when we should fear no one except Allah.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

We know secret wives exist in Islam. However, are secret wives viewed as mistresses, as well? What are the benefits of a woman being a secret wife in Islam? Polygamy is permissible in Islam. Islam permits a man to have more than one wife at one time simultaneously, as long as the number does not exceed four at a time.  So, why would a man keep his second wife a secret from his first wife and family, his relatives, maybe even her family, and society? Keeping polygamy a secret is an issue in and of itself, but what happens when a secret wife is added?

There are men who keep secret wives in Islam as they know or believe their first wives would not approve of them having second wives. The men don’t want to displease their first wives and his and her families. The woman that he wants to be with besides his first wife becomes his secret wife, the equivalent of mistress, as it is a secret marriage.

Islam elevated the status of women and allowed Muslim men to marry them as second, third and fourth wives.  In Islam, the marriage (Nikah) should be made known to the public, and should be followed by a Walima feast. Is that not so?  The Islamic system rules and regulations encourage modesty and Chastity and make an effort to close all loopholes of evils and corruption. Isn’t this the reason Islam regard publicity of marriage (Nikah) very essential?  The marriage should be publicized to close all loopholes through which immorality can gain access in society.   

If the marriage is not given publicity, people would bring their illicit sexual relationships also under marriage, thus opening a backdoor for the sin to find access to society.  Modesty and chastity are the objects of marriage and not the gratification of sexual appetite alone.

If a husband does not let society know that he has a second wife, does it not open the door for people to suspect the man of having an affair and the woman as being his mistress?  Does a man that has a secret wife deprive that wife of the honor and respect of being known as wife? Polygamy is many times secretive. Do some people add secret wives to the secret lifestyle of polygamy?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Women that are married and living secretly as first or second wives in Islam are a reality that is totally new and foreign to me.  Until recently, I was unaware it exist, and is prevalent amongst Muslims in Islam.  Lately, I have been reading much here and there from and about women who say they are wives, living secretly as ”secret wives.”  The realism of secret wives to me is astounding as is the idea of polygamy for some people.

Anyhow, I’ve been thinking much about secret wives, giving the concept a good deal of attention. I understand there are cultural differences that come into play with being secret wives, as well.  I am learning and I am interested in knowing more.  

From what I have gathered thus far, some women are secret first wives or second wives due to demands placed on sons by their parents, more particularly their mothers. A parent selects a certain woman or type of woman for her son to marry. The parent doesn’t approve of the woman that the son loves and wants to marry, thus the disapproved of wife becomes the son’s secret first or second wife. The son doesn’t want to disrespect his mother so he marries the disapproved of woman secretly. I think I’ve even heard it referred to as Paradise being at the foot of the mother, which is why “respect” is so important, if I’m not mistaken.  This is where I am puzzled.

The son still married the woman that his parents, more specifically his mother, disapproved of, and essentially disrespected his parents or his mother.  The son had placed so much emphasis on respecting his mother, but at the same time disrespected her. If the parent’s approval of his mate was so crucial and his parent didn’t approve of a certain woman for him to wed, why did he marry the (secret) woman? Just because the parent doesn’t know about the secret wife, it makes it OK?  If the son was so concerned about the welfare of his mother and gaining or maintaining her respect, why does not the son only marry the woman that his mother approved of?

I guess I’m just confused. I thought Islam elevated the status of women, and allowed a man to marry more than one woman so the woman would be respected with the title of wife and be known as such. What has it come to when men tuck women away as secrets, and cause women to take on the characteristics of “mistress?”

Are secret wives victims of selfish, manipulative, controlling, lustful, deceitful men that prey on the emotions and vulnerability of women, men that take advantage of a woman’s gentle, loving nature?  When did wives in Islam become secrets? I thought Islam elevated the position of women, gave women full protection, respect and honor by their husbands, children and society.

I was just wondering, pondering the secrets of secrets.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

No Rights for Sharia Wives

Dagestani women who enter into polygamous marriages risk losing everything – even their children – when their husband tires of them.

By Polina Sanayeva in Makhachkala

Madina thought that she had married well. The educated and worldly Dagestani woman was thrilled with her husband – a wealthy man with a large house – and thought nothing of it when he asked her to marry him in a mosque, instead of at the local registry office. The latter was “all just rubbish, paper”, he said. So Madina gave up her job, was a housewife for three years and tried her utmost to be her husband’s idea of a Muslim wife.

But her husband, seemingly, had other ideas. His preference for a mosque wedding apparently stemmed from an intention to take a second wife – which is permissible under Sharia law.

“I slaved for the family, to put it bluntly. But my husband decided to marry again. I was not ready for this turn of events and I told him so. Then he showed me the door. And no one supported me. I went to live at my grandmother’s house. Some time later, my former husband took my daughter away from me,” she said.

The court battle for custody of their daughter is still going on, although Madina says that she has no more money or strength to contest it. Her husband bribed the judge and presented false documents claiming that she had treated the little girl badly, she claims. The child now lives with her former husband’s new wife and Madina, aged only 32, says that she has no energy to start a new life.

Madina is one of hundreds of women to suffer as a result of a growing trend in Dagestan – men taking advantage of their Muslim status to take a second or even third wife, even though polygamy is forbidden under Russian law. As a result, these “Sharia wives” have few rights in the secular republic.

Until recently, only Dagestan’s wealthiest men with high social status took second wives, as it was thought that they “could permit themselves” to do so from an economic and ethical point of view. However, many other men have also chosen to ignore the official registry office and marry according to Sharia law, and this practice has spread widely. While more optimistic religious figures link this phenomenon to the growth of Muslim self-awareness among Dagestanis, sociologists, psychologists and also representatives of Islam are choosing to see it as the result of a decline in morals.

While imams at mosques in the Dagestani capital Makhachkala say that almost all couples who marry there do so before or after their official registration, there are others who go to the registry office only under pressure from their families, as it is more important for them that their marriage is blessed by Allah. As a result, some believe that a Sharia marriage is the only necessary form of legalised matrimonial relations.

But in many cases, the process of taking new wives is only indirectly related to religion.

“Modern Dagestan citizens who come to Islam by tradition are what are called ‘ethnic Muslims’,” said one young man who describes himself as a fundamentalist. “They allow themselves to be Muslims only when it is convenient for them. For example, they drink and smoke quite readily, despite the prohibitions that are clearly set out in the Koran. It is also convenient for them to take a second wife and they do so, saying that their religion allows it.”

Many religious young women readily agree to be second Sharia wives in spite of their poor status compared to an officially registered first wife. Husbands tend to treat their second wife with less respect than their first, and such unions are often kept secret from the husband’s relatives and his first family.

Irina Rudakova, head psychologist at the Genesis crisis centre for women, which has been working in Makhachkala for five years, said, “At the moment, the chance of taking a second wife for a man is a convenient, socially acceptable form of legalised relations, which are more properly categorised as extramarital.

“The problem is that for women who marry in this way, nothing changes in their relations with the man after they are formally married. They remain in an illegal or semi-legal position, which does not give them any more stability or social protection. And if the marriage breaks up – usually on the initiative of the husband and his family – the woman has no chance to defend her rights. At any rate, it is useless to appeal to the state.”

However, many specialists agree that the psychological discomfort and social infringement of marriage rights is nothing in comparison with what women have to endure when their Muslim husbands literally throw them out on the street.

“I am in favour of polyandry – where a woman marries more than one man – and I am happy with the Russian constitution, with its declaration of the equal rights of men and women. But these local ‘Sharia marriages’ are a big deception by men,” said publicist Svetlana Anokhina.

“Men ignore their obligations. If a Sharia husband gets sick of his wife, he throws her out, and this is still considered a disgrace for the woman – as if it’s her fault! It’s like something out of the Middle Ages.”

Amina was still a student when she married a man older than herself. She says that she decided to become a second wife primarily because of the so-called economic factor – her husband was wealthy – and did so against her parents’ wishes. Amina lived separately from her husband, in an apartment registered in her name, and did not work, partly because she had given birth to a daughter, and partly because her husband’s wealth made it unnecessary. But before long her husband had gently but insistently forced her out of the apartment, and then broke off relations with her. “He got tired of pressure from his family who never accepted me as his lawful wife,” she said.

Unable to return to her parents’ home, Amina and her daughter lived with a friend for six months while she looked for work. She now works as a house painter and rents a small apartment. Only 25-years-old, Amina has the air of one who is already used to surviving adversity.

The lack of any legal mechanism to regulate relations within a Sharia family can also cause problems for first wives as well as for the second. Women in Sharia marriages usually spend many years not working, and live a closed-off life. Therefore if the husband withdraws his care of her, she feels completely helpless. With no rights, she cannot approach the state for help in making the husband respect his obligations, and a lawyer can only advise that the Sharia wife is in fact a mistress in the eyes of the law.

The Dagestan legal code does contain provisions for a Sharia wife to claim property that was acquired jointly with her husband. But, in practice, such women have not been able to successfully do so in court, and lawyers do not take on such obviously difficult cases – too many conditions need to be observed, and there are too many factors working against them.

This runs contrary to the principles of Islamic law, which gives a wife more rights than her husband in a marriage, and the legislation of the secular state which stresses equality of the sexes.

“Men who take their obligations seriously do not marry second wives very often, and they treat their first marriage very seriously,” said Islamic law specialist Idris Magomedov. “In a real Sharia marriage, all the responsibility for the woman, for the family and the children, lies fully with the man. His obligation is not just to fully provide for his wife financially, but to make sure that his wife is healthy and happy.”

And indeed some Dagestan women have never been happier than within a Sharia marriage. Aishat used to be called Alyona before being persuaded by her husband to convert to Islam. The Russian woman is now a Muslim, has been married for eight years, and has three children. She wears a headscarf and long dresses, as is proper, with only her face and wrists visible. “I gained peace and faith. I now have many new friends. I believe that they are all my new Muslim family,” she said.

Magomedov, who has made a scientific study of the issue of polygamy in Dagestan, said that many religious Dagestani men remarry because they are unhappy with a first wife who does not wish to adhere to religious principles – for example, wearing Islamic clothing, praying five times a day and observing fasts. They marry women who fully share their beliefs.

According to political scientist Ruslan Kurbanov, “I see a solution in creating a Sharia court. In a secular society this is also possible, and a precedent already exists. For example, in [the Canadian province] of Ontario [such a court] has existed for a long time and with the permission of the authorities.

“Most of the people who so readily marry second wives do this out of an ignorance of Islam. The basis of the requirement laid out in the Koran is fair and equal treatment of wives by the husband.”

It has been two years and eight months since Alex and Carolinah have been “married”-”married” according to Alex.  I have not met Carolinah in person, nor have we  had a civil telephone conversation or text message between us. Is she a polygamous wife or a mistress?  That is the question I asked when I began this blog in Feb. 2009, and I ask today. My intention is no longer to entertain the question.

Persons whom I have spoken with (my and Alex’s non-Muslim family)  refer to Carolinah as Alex’s mistress.  Alex’s ex-wife Hafsa is Muslim. Hafsa and I conversed by way of telephone a few months ago. Hafsa said Alex is committing adultery.  She said Alex, Carolinah and I would live as a family, if he was truly married to her. We would live near one another, would communicate with one another, and would be take care of each other’s children (if we had any) etc. She said I would have consented to Alex’s marriage before it took place.

So here we are, Alex, Carolinah, and me, two and eight months later. Is she a polygamous wife or a mistress?  All at polygamy 411 who previously responded about it haven’t changed their opinions. Nothing has changed. Carolinah and I still haven’t met each other, haven’t spoken with one another civilly, nor have had a descent text message between us.  Alex still goes off to sleep with Carolinah, and give her money.

I spoke with Alex about it last night. I said, “You know, it’s been two and a half years and Carolinah still has not reached out to me, not one time, nor has she said anything to make peace, not anything…She hasn’t even, for instance, said: Ana, I’m sorry how things happened; maybe we could try to make this thing work…nothing.”  Alex responded by saying every time he gets her close to being able to communicate with me, I text her and she says I (Ana) am not the person he said I was. I said to Alex, “Look it’s been two and one half years and she has never reached out to me as a “Sister in Faith.” I concluded my conversation about it with Alex by saying, “She accepted Islam to get sex and a pay check.”  He said, “If that’s what you want to believe.”  Before and after Carolinah and Alex “married” according to Alex, Carolinah said, “I’m not ready for her (Ana) yet.” She was ready for my husband though; wasn’t she?

Today, I spoke with my best friend (the person that introduced me to Islam. We’ve been friends for 23 years.)  I mentioned to him my discussion with Alex about Carolinah. He asked me when I ever knew a “mistress” to call (telephone) a wife.  He said, “There is a mountain load of facts that let you know what she is.”  Is she a polygamous wife or mistress? I’m going to rely on the facts.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.