Polygamy 411

Carolinah didn’t like that Alex had gone away on vacation with me, and had celebrated his and my anniversary at that time.  She had found out about it from text messages I sent her. (What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal. What Allah wants concealed, no one can reveal.)

So, Carolinah decided she’d take matters into her own hands, as you already know.  There was total turmoil and immense confusion in our lives for a while.  But, Alex did come home as originally scheduled and the night was still.  What happened the next couple days is important.

When a husband considers taking direction from one wife when he has two, what type of effect does that have on a marriage?  A second wife tells her husband that she doesn’t want him there and tells him to go to his first wife; she then tells him when to come back home to her (the second wife) – is that an innovation?

Please tell me where Islam dictates that a wife can order the comings and goings of her husband and take control of the life of the husband’s other wife, as well…

So, it’s Alex and my wedding anniversary day. Alex is a very romantic person. For example, he does the flower thing on no special occasion. He was looking forward to our anniversary before Carolinah started her attempt to dictate how things would be, where Alex would be and when.

Alex did not mention our anniversary the entire day.  I asked him if he wanted to go see a movie.  He said he wouldn’t mind. He, however, showed no enthusiasm about doing it.  I asked if he wanted to go to the theater.  He said we could take a train into the City to avoid the holiday traffic and see a play, if I wanted to.  He said just let him know and he’d order tickets online.  Still, he showed no enthusiasm.  I could tell he really did not want to do any of those things.

Alex left the house one time that day and I thought it was to call Carolinah.  I was hoping he’d come back with flowers.  But, it didn’t happen. There was no romance. He didn’t seem happy. It was as if it was just another day and another night.

The next day was still our anniversary (Memorial Day).  Our actual wedding ceremony was the day before and our formal wedding reception was the next day (seven years ago).  Still, he didn’t say, “Happy Anniversary” or anything.  He left the house one time that day and I think it possibly was to call Carolinah.  I thought he’d come back with flowers, but he didn’t.

I was at my wit’s end.  That is when the conflict began.  I can’t remember exactly how, but we started to talk.  He said Carolinah wanted her days back because she had given them to me. He said he knew I had text her, as he had not told her that he and I were going on vacation and where.  (Carolinah apparently scheduled Alex and me to have an extra three days together for our anniversary, not knowing he had already planned (several months in advance) our vacation to celebrate our anniversary.)  He said Carolinah wanted to punish him and me. I told him I didn’t want the extra three days and to give them back.  (I figured I play her game.) He said he wasn’t going to do that.

Throughout the night we went back and forth.  I told him not to ever give me anything in the future that I didn’t ask for. I reminded him that he always speaks about being “fair and just”; I told him to make sure the next time he and Carolinah celebrate their “anniversary” that he sits at home with her and watch TV as he had done with me.  He had set a precedent for the year 2009. I told him I would remember our anniversary as the day that I regretted having married him.

I kept going back and forth at Alex the way I had done 2 1/2 years ago.  Alex’s patience was not the same.  I went into the bedroom and said something else to Alex.  He jumped out of bed. I fled into the living room. He stormed into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trembling uncontrollably.  He said, “You just can’t keep coming at me like that.”  I yelled for him to get away from me and I ran into the bedroom.  He followed me there, as well.  I yelled for him to get away from me.  I went back into the living room.  I was hysterical. He went and got me a glass of water, and told me to drink it, but I didn’t. Meanwhile, I had curled up into a little ball, as small as I could get, and I couldn’t stop crying.  I kept praying to God that He wouldn’t let me be the one to breakdown first.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Commentator CM, in a comment on my recent post, “Wali Intervenes in Polygamous marriage” , asked  how I am doing.  (Please see my reply

http://polygamy411.com/2009/06/06/wali-intervenes-in-polygamous-marriage/#comment-301)

Until I woke up this morning and found the schedule, I was feeling very good.

What should three people in a polygamous marriage do when the husband is clueless about how to make the schedule?  What should the husband and two wives do when the two wives don’t communicate, won’t communicate and can’t agree on a schedule?

My wali said, Alex, Carolinah, and my scheduling problem is “overwhelming.”  I certainly, not in any way, would not ask my wali to make the schedule.

My wali said polygamy is only for “Believers” ; for anyone else it won’t work.  There would be no harmony, no peace and no tranquility.

What should we do about “The schedule” – Marriage on a schedule?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

I thought we had solved all the problems with the polygamous schedule, but we had not. Alex emailed me on Monday (It was the first time I had communicated with Alex since his telephone conversation with my wali on Saturday. During their conversation, Alex and my wali finalized our (Alex, Carolinah, and my) polygamous schedule) -  so I thought, anyway. In the email, Alex asked if he and I could try again to work things out with the scheduling of days (Three days with Carolinah, three days with me, and vacation days). He now wanted to consult with me, which I thought was nice, but what was left to talk about?  I got busy, though, and didn’t email Alex back.

Alex telephoned me on his way home from work. He asked if I had received the email from him. I said, “Yes” and I basically asked, what is left to talk about? We had worked out the schedule. He said, “No.” He said Carolinah did not like that we attached her three makeup days to her vacation.

Yes. My freak was on. My blood pressure began to boil. My voice rose from loud talk to yelling and yelling turned to… Of course he hung up and of course I kept calling back until I went into voice mail…the story of my life. What happened to our fresh start?

Alex arrived home and the intense arguing continued into the night. I asked Alex why the schedule was an issue again, as he and my wali had resolved the matter.  He said Carolinah wanted to choose her days. I said her makeup days were from 1 year and 8 months ago. (Yes. He was away on business for a year but… ) She had eight months to make up those old days. He said he kept asking her when she wanted to make up the days and she wouldn’t tell him. Alex and I continued to argue for hours off and on.

I got very tired and asked him when she wanted the three days. He said she wanted Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009. I totally lost it again. I said now I have to wait around until the end of the year with these days hanging over my head. I was so frustrated and exhausted I told him to go ahead and schedule the days.

I went and showered. While showering, I remembered all the advice and suggestions everyone had given me on the blog. “Be firm.” “Stick to your guns.” I got out the shower and said to Alex, no way. I wasn’t going with it. The only time we argued usually was about the schedule, Carolinah making changes to it to suit her work schedule etc and I wasn’t going to let it happen anymore.

I advised Alex that I wanted a fresh start, as he and my wali had agreed. I asked why Carolinah was waiting till the end of the year to take her makeup days. He said she had scheduled vacation for around that time, as well. I knew she was manipulating the schedule once again. She’d schedule the makeup days now, but a couple of weeks or so before the makeup days (Nov. 30th, Dec. 1 and 2, 2009),  Alex would tell me that she had vacation days schedule around the same time period, as well. So she’d have makeup days on top of vacation days.

She was sneaky and sly. She had done the same thing with the Fourth of July weekend schedule. On January 1, 2009, Alex told me about Carolinah’s makeup days for July 1, 2, and 3, knowing she planned July 4 etc. for vacation. She kept her July vacation secret until a month before, at which time she attached makeup days with vacation (taking my Fourth of July weekend).

Anyhow, I wasn’t going for it this time. I was furious. I didn’t sleep in the bed with Alex that night.

Once and for all we resolved the conflict over our polygamous marriage schedule. So I hope. After a night of intense arguing and sleeping apart from Alex, he emailed me from work the next day. In the email,  he asked me to send him the dates that we had before agreed upon. He said he was putting together a new schedule, and wanted to make sure it was correct.

I telephoned Alex. He said adding days to Carolinah’s vacation was now OK. He stated her 2nd seven days of vacation would be Nov. 30-Dec. 6, 2009. She would keep the two makeup days that she had scheduled before for his and her anniversary in Dec. 2009, as well. He said he and I would schedule our 2nd vacation for this year for Sept. or Oct. 2009.  All the previous makeup days owed Carolinah were now reasonably scheduled. So the agreement that Alex and my wali had previously made was left in tacked.

I advised Alex that I was typing up the contract. I said I was putting it in writing so he, Carolinah and I would have no questions in the future about how the schedule works.

I advised Alex the schedule was simple: Three days with Carolinah and three days with me. She and I would each get fourteen days of vacation with him each year. There would be no makeup days, no days for holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, deaths, births, or anything. We could gift days with no makeups, as gifting days is acceptable in Islam. We each would give up days that couldn’t be used.

I advised Alex to confirm all the above with Carolinah, as I don’t want to discuss it with him again. He agreed to consult with her. He thanked me for encouraging him to consult with her, as well.

The polygamous schedule conflict was over. What a relief. There is no foreseeable way Carolinah or I could manipulate the schedule now. Only Alex could manipulate the schedule when scheduling his work (business trips) into it. Insha Allah, I’m not going to worry about that.

Alex came home that evening with the new, revised, and agreed upon schedule. He had fresh red roses with him for me, as well. It was nice!

Is it common for husbands in polygamous marriages to get confused about the schedule, and wonder which wife’s turn it is?  Well, I experienced it the other day with Alex.

Just to rehash what’s been going on-Alex was away at Carolinah’s (his other wife’s) house recovering from minor surgery for the last thirteen days.  They were on vacation, as well.  Alex came home to me, “officially”, late yesterday afternoon.  I say “officially”, as I saw Alex a couple of times during his thirteen days away.  I went with him to the medical facility for his surgery and I waited for him.  Alex came by our home to see me for a couple of hours the other day, Wednesday (about one week after his surgery), as well.  He stopped by after his doctor appointment.  It was nice to see him.

The next day (Thursday), Alex telephoned me, and asked me to take something out the freezer for dinner. (OK, I’m baffled now. He’s not due home until tomorrow, Friday.) I advised Alex that he was not scheduled to come home until tomorrow.  He sounded totally dumbfounded, and asked me if I was sure.  Of course I was sure.

I asked Alex why he doesn’t program our marriage schedule into his Blackberry.  He said it’s his work phone and he doesn’t want work to have ccess to that information. I understood.  Anyhow, Alex waited while I checked the calendar, and confirmed his day with me was not until tomorrow (Friday).

That evening, I carefully perused our polygamous marriage schedule again and found another error.  He had me scheduled for four days (at the end of this month) instead of my routine three days. Crazy, crazy, crazy…I emailed Alex, advised him of the error, and advised him to make sure he gets this schedule thing right, as the schedule is the main issue that had recently caused major problems in our polygamous marriage.

Which wife’s turn is it?  Is that an occupational hazard for some husbands in polygamous marriages?  Is it common for polygamous husbands to get confused about the schedule?

At least my husband’s other wife Carolinah can’t manipulate the schedule anymore. Do you think that stripped her of some power?

I’m always waiting for an issue to arise again, regarding our (Alex, Carolinah, and my) polygamous schedule. Living polygamy, marriage on a schedule, is an entirely different way of life. It is not the norm for marriages in America. Although not the norm, I’m getting used to it, slowly but surely.

Alex had to cancel a business trip and rearrange his work schedule, as his mother had an emergency and was hospitalized. It affected our marriage schedule, as well. While Alex and I were discussing the changes to our schedule, he advised me that he needed to schedule Carolinah’s second vacation, as well. (I have another vacation scheduled for the end of October and she has one scheduled for the end of November. Carolinah and I each get two vacations with Alex a year.)  Woh, it doesn’t take much for my blood pressure to sore and my heart to start to pound hard and fast.  What? I asked.  She’s not owed another vacation. She had one in July and the next one is in November.  Alex didn’t want to go down this road again. He was leaving me to go be with Carolinah and we were leaving each other on a good note… that was until now…a conflict with the schedule presented itself once again.

So, I tried to pull myself together and regain my composure. I went into a fast forward mode, trying to find copies of the old schedules. I just had to resolve the problem then and there.  Alex said he wished he hadn’t brought the subject up, as everything was so nice between us until then.  Nonetheless, I found the old schedule and perused it with Alex. We concluded Carolinah was due four more days. OK. I said tell her to schedule them. Alex said. Don’t worry about them. He said Carolinah’s not concerned about the schedule and it’s OK.  I thought, no. I want to be just and fair. I couldn’t with all good conscience knowingly deprive her of days that she was due.

I advised Alex to schedule the four days with Carolinah, and to make sure she schedules them in one block of four days, not a day here and a day there, nor days carried over to next year.  He said OK.  So, to date I haven’t heard anymore. Alex should give me the marriage schedule for October any day now. So I will wait and see what it looks like.

I must say, our new scheduling system has been going smoothly, which is nice.  I still have this uneasiness within me, however, about our schedule. I keep expecting Alex to spring a surprise on me at any given time, regarding it. I need to just relax and take it easy. A schedule just should not be that important to me.  Marriage on a schedule…humm.

9/29/09

Scheduling polygamy is still a problem in my home. It seems the problem just won’t go away. Just as much as I’m tired of dealing with the problem and talking about it, you all must be getting tired of hearing about it.  How could something so simple be so complicated?  I’ll try to explain what the problem is as simply as I can.

Carolinah is owed four vacation days this year.  All the rest of our vacation days and Carolinah’s makeup days have been scheduled for this year. Today Alex emailed me a rough draft of our polygamous schedule that covers the rest of the year, 2009.  Alex had himself scheduled to be with me this evening when he should be with Carolinah, so I corrected that.

I did not see Carolinah’s four vacation days that she is due on the schedule. I telephoned Alex and asked him about her days. He said she can’t take them now. She has to take them later. I said she can’t carry any days over into the next year. I assumed that was what later meant, next year.  He said, “No, she’ll have to forfeit the days.”  He stated,  ”She wants to take her four days during the holidays (which would mean Thanksgiving, Christmas or New years), but we had agreed vacations couldn’t be taken during holidays.” I advised Alex that at no time did I agree that vacation could not be taken during those holidays, as we don’t even celebrate those holidays. He said, “Well that is when she wants to take them.”

Alex then had the audacity to tell me that Carolinah doesn’t care about the schedule; I’m the one who always makes a big deal about it. I was flabbergasted by what he said. In the past, I never even gave input about the schedule. He and Carolinah made the schedules, adding days on the back, adding days on the front, adding makeup days, carrying over days to the next year-did I miss anything?  She’s the one that sent him home to me on two separate occasions, and told him to come back to her on my days and to think – he attempted to oblige her until I said no.

I emailed Alex and reminded him that he needs to stop portraying Carolinah as a cooperative, good person and me as the problem. I reminded Alex that a first wife looses. She looses her husband’s time, resources, including monies when he takes a second wife. Carolina, as a second “wife”, gains. She gains a husband, resources, including monies.

I contemplated the scheduling problem again for a long while after speaking with Alex. It suddenly dawned on me what was probably happening. Perhaps Carolinah was waiting for the approval of the official schedule for the remainder of the year. Once finalized, she would add her four days on the calendar when the dates would be most convenient for her. I hope I’m not confusing you.  By Carolinah waiting to add the days later she’d benefit, as she could lump her days all together. Perhaps that’s what Alex meant when he said she’d do it later, not meaning next year.  Of course, it’s all speculation.  But, she manipulated the schedule the same way in the past. Why wouldn’t she do it again now?

To nip the problem in the bud, I emailed Alex. I advised him to find out if Carolinah is going to take her four days or forfeit them. If she is going to take the days, she must schedule them now and, afterwards, he should complete the schedule for the rest of the year. That would prevent any manipulation.

I informed Alex that I’m getting very tired of this whole ordeal.  It’s sickening.  As the rough draft of the schedule stands, Alex is scheduled to be with Carolinah on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New years. So, at least I don’t have to worry about him being with me, moping about, as he can’t be with Carolinah and her family for the holiday festivities. Anyhow, I should find out soon how the whole polygamous scheduling problem pans out.

10/4/09

Settling into polygamy is awkward indeed.  So how is it done?  For Alex and me it was three nights with me and then three with her….three days here and three days there.

While Alex and I pleasantly conversed   one evening, he said he would be away on a business trip for a few days.  I said, Oh, OK, so you’ll be back home such and such a day. (He was scheduled to be with Carolinah for the next three nights before his business trip. So I surmised that upon his return from the three day trip, he’d be with me three nights.) To my surprise, the date he said he’d be back was like nine days later. That just didn’t add up to me…Three days with Carolinah, three days business trip, back to me. I asked, “Are you telling me that I lose my days, as you’ll be on a business trip when I’m scheduled?  He said, “Yes.” 

Naturally, I totally lost it, freeeeked right on out!  I said, “No. After the business trip you come back here for my three days.” I asked, “Are you crazy?”  He said he didn’t know. He seemed very sincere. I said, “If you can’t figure out a simple schedule, you don’t need to be in polygamy.”  He said he didn’t try to take my days deliberately.  He just didn’t know how it was to work.  He said he went online to try to find out, but there wasn’t a lot of information out there about it.  I yelled, “Well yeah, that’s because there’s not a lot of people out there doing it!”

After Alex said he wanted me to “meet and teach” Carolinah, he came home one day and said he wanted me to make the schedule-to make our polygamy schedule. Did you hear me?  He asked me to communicate with Carolinah and make his schedule.

I guess living polygamy for Alex was becoming more complicated than he had imagined. I could see how scheduling two families, and scheduling other family (biological family, step-family etc.) as well, could become overwhelming.  I don’t know what Carolinah thought about  the schedule at this point, but I later found out her thoughts were not very different from mine.

I struggle with the words to describe how I felt when he asked me to prepare his schedule. He said, “Just tell me where to be and I’ll be there.”  Without any hesitation, I said, “No. I am not going to do that.”  How did he think it was even feasibly possible?

I had never yet spoken with that woman.  At the time when he asked me, I no way even liked polygamy.  He’s the one who wanted to live it.  What he asked was just too totally bazaar.

Alex and I had watched the Original HBO Series ”Big Love” before he married Carolinah. The three wives used to sit down at a table and figure out “Bill’s” schedule, but come on…Carolinah, me and Alex We are real life.  I said, no way, no how it that going to happen. 

Carolinah and I have our own separate wants, needs desires, competitive drives or whatever you want to call them. How are two women so opposed to polygamy supposed to come together in harmony and do what he had asked?