Polygamy 411

We know secret wives exist in Islam. However, are secret wives viewed as mistresses, as well? What are the benefits of a woman being a secret wife in Islam? Polygamy is permissible in Islam. Islam permits a man to have more than one wife at one time simultaneously, as long as the number does not exceed four at a time.  So, why would a man keep his second wife a secret from his first wife and family, his relatives, maybe even her family, and society? Keeping polygamy a secret is an issue in and of itself, but what happens when a secret wife is added?

There are men who keep secret wives in Islam as they know or believe their first wives would not approve of them having second wives. The men don’t want to displease their first wives and his and her families. The woman that he wants to be with besides his first wife becomes his secret wife, the equivalent of mistress, as it is a secret marriage.

Islam elevated the status of women and allowed Muslim men to marry them as second, third and fourth wives.  In Islam, the marriage (Nikah) should be made known to the public, and should be followed by a Walima feast. Is that not so?  The Islamic system rules and regulations encourage modesty and Chastity and make an effort to close all loopholes of evils and corruption. Isn’t this the reason Islam regard publicity of marriage (Nikah) very essential?  The marriage should be publicized to close all loopholes through which immorality can gain access in society.   

If the marriage is not given publicity, people would bring their illicit sexual relationships also under marriage, thus opening a backdoor for the sin to find access to society.  Modesty and chastity are the objects of marriage and not the gratification of sexual appetite alone.

If a husband does not let society know that he has a second wife, does it not open the door for people to suspect the man of having an affair and the woman as being his mistress?  Does a man that has a secret wife deprive that wife of the honor and respect of being known as wife? Polygamy is many times secretive. Do some people add secret wives to the secret lifestyle of polygamy?

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Women that are married and living secretly as first or second wives in Islam are a reality that is totally new and foreign to me.  Until recently, I was unaware it exist, and is prevalent amongst Muslims in Islam.  Lately, I have been reading much here and there from and about women who say they are wives, living secretly as ”secret wives.”  The realism of secret wives to me is astounding as is the idea of polygamy for some people.

Anyhow, I’ve been thinking much about secret wives, giving the concept a good deal of attention. I understand there are cultural differences that come into play with being secret wives, as well.  I am learning and I am interested in knowing more.  

From what I have gathered thus far, some women are secret first wives or second wives due to demands placed on sons by their parents, more particularly their mothers. A parent selects a certain woman or type of woman for her son to marry. The parent doesn’t approve of the woman that the son loves and wants to marry, thus the disapproved of wife becomes the son’s secret first or second wife. The son doesn’t want to disrespect his mother so he marries the disapproved of woman secretly. I think I’ve even heard it referred to as Paradise being at the foot of the mother, which is why “respect” is so important, if I’m not mistaken.  This is where I am puzzled.

The son still married the woman that his parents, more specifically his mother, disapproved of, and essentially disrespected his parents or his mother.  The son had placed so much emphasis on respecting his mother, but at the same time disrespected her. If the parent’s approval of his mate was so crucial and his parent didn’t approve of a certain woman for him to wed, why did he marry the (secret) woman? Just because the parent doesn’t know about the secret wife, it makes it OK?  If the son was so concerned about the welfare of his mother and gaining or maintaining her respect, why does not the son only marry the woman that his mother approved of?

I guess I’m just confused. I thought Islam elevated the status of women, and allowed a man to marry more than one woman so the woman would be respected with the title of wife and be known as such. What has it come to when men tuck women away as secrets, and cause women to take on the characteristics of “mistress?”

Are secret wives victims of selfish, manipulative, controlling, lustful, deceitful men that prey on the emotions and vulnerability of women, men that take advantage of a woman’s gentle, loving nature?  When did wives in Islam become secrets? I thought Islam elevated the position of women, gave women full protection, respect and honor by their husbands, children and society.

I was just wondering, pondering the secrets of secrets.

This is an open house.  No need to knock.  Just come on in.

Alex advised me early in his marriage to Carolinah that she did not like vacationing away from home. She liked spending that time with her family. It made me very happy knowing he and she wouldn’t have many big travel plans in sight.

One day Alex advised me that he would be with Carolinah for several days, deviating from our three days here and three days there routine. It was OK. I thought they would just lay around her house on a vacation.

And then one day I was talking with a friend of mine from a travel agency. He knew Alex and my situation. He said Alex had made travel arrangements in Alex’s name for two.  It shocked the heck out of me.  WHAT?   The reservations were for the time that Alex said he’d be away with Carolinah. So there you go. I knew all their travel plans, without Alex even telling me. (What Allah wants revealed, no one can conceal).  Did I let Alex know I knew?… Nope.

The fact that he and Carolinah were going someplace he and I had already been and they were not going to have the same high quality accommodations that he and I had, gave me consolation. (Many months later, Alex advised me that the trip that he had taken with Carolinah was job related. Her job sponsored it.)

Alex and I had a nice evening and morning together before his departure. Before he left that morning, he was sneaking around in the kitchen, making halal sandwiches to take on the plane. I still never let him know I knew he was going away; that I knew exactly where he was going and where he would stay.

***Alex and Carolinah’s vacation that I referenced above occurred in July 2007-Seven months after he “married” Carolinah***