Polygamy 411

I didn’t feel special anymore.  I knew when I received flowers from Alex, Carolinah received them too.  How special is that?

You see…Alex is a very stringent, organized, and structured person. That is how I see him. I explained to Alex that he did not have to give Carolinah and me the same material things, as we are different people from different backgrounds, with different tastes, and different likes and dislikes.  Nonetheless, Alex wasn’t hearing me.  I found out so much about Alex and Carolinah just by what he began to do for me and buy for me.

Alex asked me if I wanted to go to the movies. It was the way he asked that caught my attention. I thought, Oh well, I guess he took Carolinah to the movies.  He said he was thinking about getting yoga lessons for me. Why? I do my workouts at home. I enjoy and prefer it that way. I never asked him for any lessons.  But, oh, OK, I se;. Carolinah might be getting a bit chunky and needed or wanted to go to the gym.  Alex asked me to go jogging with him.  I assumed he’s been jogging with Carolinah, or would begin.  When Alex and I started dieting and documenting our weight, I assumed he and Carolinah were doing the same.  And they were.

What’s happened over there with Carolinah, Alex pretty much tried to make it happen over here with me.  Am I special?

I try to do the opposite of whatever Alex presents to me, now, without discussion. I try to keep my individuality.  No, I’m not going to jog with Alex; first, it’s just not something I like to do. No, I’m not going to do a diet with him and her. No, No, No… I am living polygamy, but it’s not HBO’s “Big Love”.

I think many times what happens in polygamous marriages is a new wife pops up on the scene,  joins the marriage, and then thinks she is special. I’m pretty sure that is what happened with Carolinah.

Alex had already been over there with Carolinah, getting “comfort.” I’m certain he told her a lot of stories about his…woe is me. He told her how unhappy he was in our marriage.  So, why wouldn’t she think she was going to get the royal treatment and I’d take the backseat once she married him?

Did Carolinah’s imagination (Satan) lead her to believe that Alex would divorce me after he got over there in her house with her, and began enjoying life with her so much? Or did she think I’d divorce Alex, as I wouldn’t be able to accept my new lifestyle, nor endure the pain and suffering I felt?

Either way…It didn’t happen.  Alex and I did not divorce. Allah knows best whether divorce will ever happen between Alex and me.

I had mentioned to Alex that Carolinah knew what she was getting into before she became a part of polygamy.  He said, “She thought she knew.”

Whatever Carolinah wanted, I got it too, whether I wanted it or not.  Alex never even asked me what I wanted. Alex based what I got on Carolinah’s wants, needs and likes. I got very tired of Alex giving me what Carolinah wanted and I got very tired of telling Alex just how tired of it I was.

I never asked Alex for monies before he married Carolinah, not until we began living polygamy.  I just bought whatever Allah allowed me, before then.  Alex became somewhat generous once he married Carolinah.  I saw a few things that I liked in a catalog and Alex said go ahead, order them.  He gave me his credit card.

One day Alex said he was going to buy me a new coat.  He said he had not seen me in a long coat.  The red flag immediately went up.  I guess Carolinah was in need of a coat.  I told Alex I didn’t need a coat.  I supposed he never noticed I already had at least five coats in the closet, two of which were long.  That …… me off.  It angered me so much that I went out the next day and bought myself a new coat.

One time, I asked Alex to forgive a loan that I had made with him before he and Carolinah married. I had to plead with him, and prove my reason not to pay.  Another time something emergent came up and I asked Alex for some money.  He said OK…just like that…the money was in my account it seemed like the next day.  The same amount of money showed up immediately in Carolinah’s account, as well.  I guess since Carolinah was in need of money too, I didn’t have to beg this time.

I felt like such a fool when I’d tell my best friend and his wife how upset I was about what I received from Alex.  They always made me remember Allah SWT.  They advised me to show my gratitude to Allah SWT for what Allah has given me. By living polygamy, I’m learning valuable lessons.  Allah SWT is who I should be special to.   Every time I got angry or upset about what Alex gave me, I was really ungrateful to Allah SWT. Everything comes from Allah SWT, not from Alex.

Alex came home several times and said Carolinah accused him of showing “favoritism.”  She accused him of it quite often. She specifically said, “You show favoritism.”  She, furthermore, told Alex that he puts me on a “pedestal”.

I responded to Alex by saying, “Favoritism is OK in Islam.”  He said he already told Carolinah that.  It is well-known that Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her) was the favorite wife of the Prophet Muhammad, PBUH, when he practiced polygamy.

I thought to myself; “Well, what did she think?”  Maybe he showed favoritism when he married me instead of her years ago. It pleased me to hear of her complaint to Alex about his show of favoritism towards me.

Carolinah expressed to me in a text, months later, that Alex showed favoritism. (I’ll share more about that text, Insha Allah, in an upcoming post.) She said, “He is harder on me than he is on you.”  What did she expect me to do-scold him?

Alex shares his time between Carolinah and me equally and (I’m assuming) his wealth, as well. I don’t check all his receipts, bank accounts and statements. I’ve had some questions about whether he was giving more monies to her than me (That’s another post, Insha Allah).  Alex showed no flagrant disregard for the equality rule.  I, undoubtedly, can’t tell Alex what to feel in his heart. What can I say?  Favoritism exists in polygamy.