Polygamy 411

It is important that you know this about my husband Alex, my wali (my guide), and me. I did not listen to anything my wali had to say about my decision to marry Alex. I ignored my wali’s warnings and advice, as I had already begun to communicate with Alex.  I had lengthy conversations with him, and had met him. I began to become emotionally attached to him.  I became blinded by my wish to marry. I wanted that special bond and  sexual intimacy. It was nice feeling alive,  happy and flirtatious. The joy of planning “my special day” and a traditional wedding reception filled me with joy.

I did not realize until after Alex and I were married that he knew nearly nothing about Islam, nor did he care to know. Before we married, Alex went to Jum’ah (Friday Prayer). He occasionally wore a kufi and jalabiyyah (Muslim Garb).  He took a few classes at the masjid (mosque), as well. Although he had some family members who were Muslim (some that were Muslim and practiced Islam and some that were Muslim and didn’t practice), he did not know which foods were halal (lawful) and  things of that nature. Not until Alex and I were away for two weeks on our “honeymoon” did I see clearly who I had married. Alex didn’t even discuss Allah, or Islam.  He mentioned neither Allah or Islam  unless I broached the subjects.

Early in our marriage, I began to notice subtle things about him. Particularly, one day Alex to me said, “I didn’t know I had to be saved.” I took it to mean I was too religious for him.  On another occasion he snapped at me, saying he was talking about work, not Islam. Was he not aware that Islam encompasses everything, including work?  He had many reasons not to fast some days during the Holy month of Ramadan. I saw his reaction when a member of his family asked if he was Muslim; I saw him shaking his head, saying no behind my back.  His non-Muslim mother offered us non-Halal food and he became silent. He did not tell her that he couldn’t eat her food because it  wasn’t Halal food. Nonetheless, he didn’t eat it, but didn’t say why either. He had not practiced Islam before we married and, now, I pretty much was forcing him to. It must not have been easy for him, feeling forced to offer salat (prayer) five times a day, having restrictions on food, and having a new way of life put upon him.

I knew before we married that he did not know much about Islam, but I thought he’d learn. After all, he had told me before we married that he didn’t know much about Islam, but was willing to learn. The problem is one must want to know something before one can learn. I began to feel deceived, fooled. I was lead by him to believe he was someone that he was not. I became full of hate, anger and bitterness towards him.  Everything that we had together was superficial. We were compatible economically. We enjoyed vacationing and the like, but had no common interest in Allah SWT, no connection with Islam.

The only thing Alex connected to strongly in Islam was polygamy. Out of all the single Muslim women the worldwide over, Alex chose a non-Muslim woman to become polygamous with and go  live with. He  “married” a woman who had a non-Muslim teenager as well as a non-Muslim adult child living in her home. She had two children that were not babies or toddlers.  Alex chose to leave me part-time to live with non-Muslims. He used Islam (polygamy) to have a relationship outside our marriage?  Alex did not turn away from me.  He turned away from Islam (which is a way of life) by “marrying” her and going to live with them. My wali seems to think the fraud of pretending to want Islam (pretending to want an Islamic life) was too much for Alex to perpetrate any longer. I now believe he was right.

I followed my lower naf (my selfish desire). I have and continue to suffer the consequences. A wali is extremely important in helping one decide who to make a husband. A woman needs a wali who is objective, and can help a woman see the picture clearly, since he (the wali) is not in the picture. One cannot be in the picture and see the picture at the same time. A woman needs to step aside and receive help from her wali in selecting a mate.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

Should a wali be a protector of a woman in a polygamous marriage?  More often than not, a woman in a polygamous marriage who does not have someone to look after her interests and concerns, with respect to her being treated fairly and kindly by her husband, falls victim to the husband’s abuse. The abuse could be psychological, emotional or physical.  Nonetheless, it is abuse. 

When a husband knows there is a male figure in the wife’s family (father, brother, uncle) or a wali who will confront the husband and hold him accountable for his treatment of the wife, there is less chance of total mistreatment of the wife by the husband.  In a case where the wife has no Muslim family member, a wali would probably be a good substitute.

A man is supposed to be the ”maintainer and protector” of women. A wali could be the man that maintains and protects a woman that needs an intermediary in polygamous marriages. I think a wali’s intervention would serve somewhat as a check and balance system.  A wali can help keep a man in check, and balance the situation, so to speak. My understanding is that a wali’s position is that of a guardian or guide. Please correct me, if I am wrong. 

In cases where a woman has no extended family, no male family member, nor a wali, laws of States or Countries are good to enforced and help protect the rights of wives in polygamous marriages. What do you think?

I was distraught after several days of intense drama with Alex about “the schedule” and our wedding anniversary. Our polygamous marriage was definitely taking a toll on me physically, emotionally and psychologically.

I met with my wali, and advised him what had taken place just the night before. I asked him to please call Alex and speak to him for me (on my behalf).  He said he would. I was present for the telephone conversation, although it wasn’t a three-way. My wali used my cell phone to call Alex; therefore, Alex knew I was with my wali, during their conversation.

My wali said, ”As Salaamu Alaikum,” and engaged Alex in a mere moment of cordial conversation. My wali then said, “Your relationship with your second, your other wife, is spilling over into your marriage.”

I could overhear Alex quickly rambling on; although, I couldn’t make out what he was saying. My wali yelled several times at Alex saying, “YOU HAVE TO SHUT IT DOWN!  SHUT IT DOWN!”  He kept yelling, “Shut it down!”  My wali advised Alex that Carolinah was a “New Shahadah” and Faith had not entered her heart.  He reminded Alex that just because a person takes Shahada (vows to convert/revert to a Muslim), does not mean she becomes Muslim overnight.

My wali then said, “A woman will try you.  A woman doesn’t care anything about you (Alex), me (my wali), anything or anyone but herself, and getting what she wants.”  He kept telling Alex that he (Alex) must be firm. He has to be firm.

My wali  said to Alex that he thought I would have adjusted to the polygamous marriage by now, but I have not.  He said his (Alex) and my marriage was “crumbling”, as it was not built on the right foundation.  He reminded Alex that he (Alex) did not consult with me before doing what he did (engaged in polygamy) and there is no compulsion in Islam.  He said he (Alex) cannot force anything on me.  He has to consult with me.  Referring to  me, my Wali said, “She is your wife.  She is fragile. Be gentle. Be kind to her.”

My wali then reminded Alex, as he had done on several  occasions, that he would always be there for him if he (Alex) needed to reach out.  He reminded Alex that he has his (my wali’s) phone number, and could call him anytime.   The conversation then ended with my wali saying, “As Salaamu Alaikum” and he hung-up.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.