The Fairytale Begins to Crumble…

polygamy 411

So, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. But, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Wow, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Well, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, my wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, ” It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  I said, ” I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  He said, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

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9 Comments

  • Lynn

    May 16, 2011

    hubby was on his night shift when i confronted him via phone – didn’t want anyone to hear i walked out in my pyjamas – i was like a mad woman couldn’t care less, walking aimlessly and really shouting “i want you to divorce me” … repeatedly.

    all he could say was .. we talked about it when i reached home tomorrow. i didn’t go to work that day – my life tumbled down i just wanna die sad

  • Ana

    November 9, 2009

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam! Caminante, welcome to polygamy 411. I’m glad you’ve joined us and commented.

    I agree that women should remove themselves from a marriage if they truly find that living in it is so detrimental that they can’t cope any longer. Everyone has their own level or tolerance or pain threshold. I also think it is good to stay in a polygamous marriage, if unhappy, when one recognizes some good in staying in it…if the good in staying in it outweighs the bad…for instance if the woman sees it as a purification process that could bring her closer to Allah and increase her faith, which in turn would improve her life. It’s an individual decision, of course, for everyone. Again, it brings us back to “choice the Illusion”-Can we avoid our fate? I agree with you. I don’t think any woman should be imprisoned in a marriage.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in. happy

  • Caminante

    November 9, 2009

    Assalamu `alakum,
    I just wanted to clarify something that people usually say that it’s wronggggg (I learned this also at the marriage course at the mosque).

    People usually try to “restrict” the woman by saying… “you can’t get a divorce, you have no good reason…” but that’s not true in the case of polygamy.

    “Being unhappy” IS, according to shari`a a GOOD enough reason to divorce your husband. There are plenty of examples in the hadith literature. In Islam, both men AND women are entitled to a happy, fulfilling life. If your marriage is a source of misery more then anything, then that is more than enough reason by shari`a to divorce your husband.

    Secondly, if you married your husband with the understanding (explicit of implicit) that it would be a monogamous marriage but that is changed, then that is also a reason to get a divorce. When you gave your consent to marry someone, then you did it with certain things in mind (e.g. he won’t be a bum, he will be monogamous, etc.). If those things change, then you have the right to get a divorce since the consent is deemed to have been “vitiatied”.

    I really don’t like it when people try to keep women prisoners in their marriage for unislamic reasons…

  • Ana

    August 31, 2009

    Wa Alaikum As Salaam Mohamed. Thank you for the correction. I appreciate it much. I remember I used the word thinking it simply meant divorce. Thank you. Good looking out!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mohamed

    August 31, 2009

    As-Salamu Alaikum!

    I just wanted to correct a piece of information that came more than once in your above piece. A woman can, of course, get IMMEDIATE divorce WITHOUT a single reason. It just has a different name, which is Khul’
    It’s not counted as one of the three times of divorce, and the woman has to return the dowry to her husband. Email me if you need more information, but I guess it should be available.

  • Sis Khadijah

    March 18, 2009

    As Salaamu Alaikum Sis Ana: Such a sad story, when Allah said, it is better for a man to have one wife. In my life long experiences I do not see Muslim men and women who are truly rightly guided according the Quran. I see deceptions increasing in every facets of religious, social, political and cultural contexts all over the world. Protect your heart by Loving Allah, be a student/slave for Allah who is “kind” to all mankind-the righteous and the unrighteous. Understand the continuity of life’s spirtuality embeded in all our actions, whether they be loving, cruel or abusive acts. We all reap, bits and pieces daily of what we sow here in our earthly existence, and in the hereafter that existence that will become either eternal bliss, or the fires of hell. In the stillness of your mind, find Allah’s Bliss, Joy and Mercy Inside YOUR PAIN. Increase the strength of your soul when you, quietly stand on the memory of our ancestors, the Queen and slaves of eons before. Intelligently defy all the lies pouring forth from so many mouths, husbands,imans, leaders and politicians, that are being spewed in the name of Allah. Be a strong woman cloaked in Mercy and understanding of THAT ALL SEEDS/MANKIND have an innate ability to be a good or badly twisted seeds of life..such is the nature of Nature of Allah creation of all life. Respect the creative laws of nature embed in your womb/garden, by taking control of blind urges, and never allowing twisted, and flawed seeds an entry to create life inside your womb. It takes time, years to test and find a man striving to be righteous, or a man who is are skilled in the art of deception and lying in the name of G-d.

  • Ana

    March 18, 2009

    As Salaamu Alaikum, Sister Khadijah

    What you said is so very true, so beautifully said, so poetic. I intend to read your comment often. It is so helpful to me, as I am sure it will be to others who read it as well. Thank you sister for taking the time to write something so special. All sisters striving to be believers need to hear and know exactly what you said. I pray Allah continues to bless you immensly. Please visit the site often. Your comments are always welcome here. You are always welcome as my sister

    Ana

  • joeannah stinson

    March 10, 2009

    Dear fairytale, I do understand your response to this situation, also, I see what happens in most marriages. We tend not to listen to or skip over comments and statements when made by a partner that mean something as we eventually find out

  • Ana

    March 10, 2009

    Dear Joeannah,

    Thank you for the wonderful comment.
    You are so totally right. I know I ignored a whole lot that was right in my face. Alex even told me, right before this whole thing happened, that he wasn’t happy. He said, “I’m not happy.” I didn’t respond. I totally dismissed it. I think I even said, “I’m not here to make you happy.”