Çok eşlilik 411

I have written “My Journey” ve “My Story Today” in book like form  (read from top to bottom), which does not conform to how one normally reads a blog. Bu şekilde mesaj ayarlamak için, Ben yazıların tarihlerini değiştirmek zorunda kaldı. This explains why the dates of the posts do not coincide with the dates of the comments, yanıtları, yorumcu ya yanıt.

Olmanın bloglama yeni, I did not do so well with the timeline in the posts. zaman çizelgesi daha iyi bir fikir vermek için, Alex ve ben Aralık ayında çok eşli oldu 2006 (Zaman Alex “evli” Carolinah). Ben Şubat ayında günlüğü başladı 2009. Bu yüzden, Sana çok eşli olma iki yılda yaşamlarımız hakkında biraz blogging başladı görebilirsiniz. Hala tam bir karmaşa idi (psikolojik) zaman.

Ben bu açıklamayı yararlı olduğunu umuyoruz.

Bu açık bir evdir. Gerek vurmak. Sadece gel.

Tarafların gerçek kimliğini korumak için ve benim yaşam deneyimleri sadık kalmak, karakterler burada isimlerini (çok eşlilik az 411) hayalidir; ancak, benim durum, koşullar, ve deneyimler gerçek.

Ben Anabellah kulüpler. Bana Ana koyabilirdik.  Bir çok eşli evlilik etmiş, için birçok polijini olarak anılacaktır, için iki yıl boyunca sadece küçük bir.  Kocam ismi Alex.  O “married” Carolinah (Şarkı) bana evli iken.  Kullanmalıyım evlimarried” tırnak içinde, Alex ve Carolinah düğün töreni değildi çünkü.  Ben törenine katıldı kimseyle konuşmadı, ne de ben herhangi bir belge gördün.  Alex'in kelime meydana geldiğini kabul etmek zorunda.  Alex, Carolinah, ve ben çok eşliCarolinah�, hangi yasal Bir Müslüman olarak bana, tüm niyet ve amaçlar için.

Hiçbir şey ki ya söyleyebiliriz burada çok eşlilik de söyledi için Allah'tan mağfiret isteyin 411 o-cekti istemeden, veya herhangi bir şekilde yanıltmak diğerleri.  çok eşlilik de Niyetim burada 411 bir yaşam biçimi ile başa çıkma başkalarına yardım etmek. (çok eşlilik) bu benim için iyi ve aynı zamanda buldum son derece zordur..

Seninle burada çok eşlilik de paylaşmak istiyorum 411 benim yolculuk ve cevap sorularınızın çoğuna, gibi dürüst ve mümkün olduğunca çabuk.  Insha Allah, Eğer bazı duyguları paylaşacak, düşünceler, bana ve diğer deneyimleri, de.

Ben Allah onu yasal bir adam İslam birden fazla eşi olması için yapılan hatırlamak istiyorum. Bu yüzden, us çokeşlilik tutmak lütfen 411 çokeşlilik bir dayak blogu değildir. Allah'ın size helâl olan yasadışı yapmak istemiyorum. Bu benim mücadelenin bir parçası olmuştur, Hakikat ve benim kişisel arzuları ile ben savaş gibi.

çok eşlilik At 411, I don't, Yapamam, ve olmayacaktır çokeşlilik pratik nasıl kimseye söylemeyin, ne de ben sizin için doğru olup olmadığını bir öğüt vereceğim. Ben sadece ne var paylaşmak. deneyimli, kendim öğrendim, ve diğerleri öğrendim.

Tüm hamd Allah nedeni.

I should give you a bit of background information on Alex and me…the beginning.  Önce Alex ve ben evli, o beni bakabilirim söyledi. Ben güzel ve iyi söyledi, but I will keep working.  I liked what I did and the money I made.  I think if a man gives you money, you give him control.  No way did I want Alex to have that much control of me.  I needed to make my money.

Alex and I shared the expenses.  Why should he pay for everything?  In sharing expenses, onun ailesi ve arkadaşları yardım etmek için bol para olurdu. That is what he continued to do-help his family and friends.  I didn’t know Alex one day would düşünmek o başka bir eşi dikkat çekmek için bol bol yetecek kadar para vardı.

Kalıcı olarak çalışmayı durdurdu, about one year after Alex married Carolinah.  Içinde…Alex bir yük koymak için çalışıyoruz durmadı, as that would only put a burden on me.  I fully knew I had enough money to take care of myself, eğer Alex ve benim marriage did not work out.  Ayrıca, I kept in mind that Alex had a legal responsibility to me given by our State Marriage License.

Içinde took my emotional, psychological and physical well-being into consideration before retiring my career (Alex ile evlendi Carolinah bir yıl sonra.)  The tremendous amount of stress that I had suffered from living my new life polygamy (bir yıl için şimdi yaşayan), not only effected my mental and physical health, but my work as well…not sleeping at night, iş yerinde odaklanmak mümkün, depresif ve artık sadece bakım, most definitely took a toll on me.

Carolina had resurfaced in Alex’s life.  I found out about three months before he told me that he was going to marry her.  (She and Alex had been together for a few years or so before he and I met and married, to my understanding.)

Alex advised me one evening that Carolina was thinking about becoming Muslim.  He said he told her to go to the Mosque, but then told her that he would teach her.  Dedim, “Tamam, go ahead , teach her.” 

On a subsequent occasion,  Ben having an emergency, and tried to reach Alex.  He didn’t answer his cell phone.  When I later questioned him about it he said, “I was at Carolina’s house.”  Iyi, I was a bit taken back for a moment, but life went on.  On another day he said, ” I wonder what you would do if she becomes Muslim.”  I ignored the statement and, as usual, life went on.

One night, soon afterwards,  we were preparing to have dinner and I asked him if Carolina had decided to become Muslim yet.  Dedi, “No”  I asked him what was taking her so long to decide if Allah was good for her?  Not many days later, he said she had become Muslim.

Bu yüzden, everything seemed as usual in our home; I was content; I guess you could even say I was happy. Ama, I did notice Alex was still in his mind, somewhat distant.  And then, spontaneously, out of nowhere,  he said to me, “I’m going to marry Carolina.”

Vay, I didn’t see that one coming…. I just remember saying,  “Iyi, I’m going to get a divorce.”  He said he didn’t want a divorce.  I said I didn’t care.  He said I couldn’t divorce him in Islam, as I had no reason to.

I frantically threw on some street clothes and a coat, grabbed my cell phone, and ran out into the street. (I live in a quiet cul-de-sac. It was a Sunday evening, nighttime, and conversations outside could be heard clearly by anyone inside.)  I called my best friend (of 20 plus years, who introduced me to Islam, benim wali).  I was absolutely hysterical, screaming loudly, and crying uncontrollably… I felt like I was in the middle of nowhere, looking up at the sky, at the stars and the houses all around. Nothing seemed real accept the voice on the other end of the phone.

I told him what Alex had said. My friend’s response was, “ It’s OK; he’s allowed to do that.”  I screamed, “I can’t do it. I can’t. I can’t.”  Dedim, “ I want a divorce.”  He said I had no reason to divorce him.  He said I couldn’t divorce him just because I didn’t like Allah’s decision.  He said I had to try to accept Allah’s decision and if I couldn’t, he would help me get a divorce.  He told me to stop crying.  Dedi, “Go back inside, and don’t let him see you crying.”

Tamam, so now I knew he was going to have an extra wife. Alex and I were going to be part and parcel of polygamy. Ertesi sabah Alex işe giderken beni aradı, to check on me.  He said his stomach had been in knots and still was, o sürüş olduğu gibi. Ben çok bu noktada uyuşukluk hissi güzel oldu, from what I could remember. 

Bir gün sonra, inkar bir devlet, Diye sordum Alex if he was really going to marry Carolinah. He said yes, Onun öyle bir şey hakkında çocuk düşünmüştüm eğer ve sordu. It was now the end of Kasım. Içinde asked when he might do it. Dedi, “Jan olarak. ya da Şubat” 

On  a later day, Diye sordum Alex to give me more time, çok fazla olduğu gibi, çok hızlı. I needed more time -e doğru digest it all. Dedi, “No”  He said delaying it would be like pulling a band-aid off a wound. Hızla yapmak ve Star bitti ile daha iyi olurdu, he said. 

Söylemeye gerek yok, Ben perişan ve depresyona girmiştim. I spoke with my wali about it. Bana üzülmememi tavsiye, as only Allah SWT knew whether it was actually going to happen or not. The thought that it might not happen comforted me.

Ve sonra bir gün, soon afterwards, Içinde received a phone call from Alex while I was at work.  With a bit of excitement in his voice, he said the wali for Carolinah advised him that she was ready and the wedding could take place. Alex said he set the date for mid Dec. (He gave me the exact date).  I was totally unprepared for the marriage, unprepared for polygamy in my life to take place so soon. After All, he had said it would take place in either Jan. ya da Şubat  

kaç gün takip etmek için, I continued to ask Alex to give me more time and not do it so quickly.  I asked if  he would wait until Aug. veya Eylül. durumu kabul etmek bana zaman vermek. Dedi, “No”. Ben daha fazla zaman için birçok kez rica başladı, Ben dilenci fark kadar. I again asked him if I was going to meet her.  He said no, o bunu durdurmaya çalışacaktı korktuğu gibi.

I spoke to a few people about how Alex had denied me more time.  One person said he treated me like a ”Ancak.” My oldest sister said, . like he had given me a huge piece of steak and made me swallow it, çiğnemek için bana bir şans vermeden.

Bu yüzden, şimdi…what do Içinde do? Çok eşlilik çabuk benim için bir gerçeğin daha oluyordu.

Alex advised me, before and after he married Bana, o çok eşlilik hiç ilgi vardı. Now things changed and he was going to marry Carolinah. Tabii ki, I had questions.

Alex vardı already said when his marriage to Carolinah would take place. I asked Alex if he loved Carolinah.  Dedi, “Onu umurumda.”  When I first realized Alex was seeing Carolinah again, he had told me that she “comforted” him. One of my sisters looked at a photo that I had shown her of Carolinah and said, “O (Alex) reeeeeal üzücü olmalı.”  

Alex gave me various replies at varying times about why he was going to marry Carolinah. Some of the reason he gave were: She needed help. He said the only way he could help her and be around her was by being married to her. He said she had a teenage son that she needed help with. Alex dedi Carolinah was a nice person and people were taking advantage of her; kişilerin evinde kalıyorlardı, and wouldn’t leave.  Alex, Başka bir vesileyle, said he needed to feel needed.

Burada hikayenin önde kendimi biraz alıyorum, ama approximately a couple months after he had married Carolinah, o said he married her çünkü she wanted sex. I asked him if he was paying her mortgage.  He said he was paying half her mortgage (her mortgage was one of those no money down, balloon type mortgages that doubled or something like that.)

The weeks and days before my forthcoming experience ile polygamy came rapidly, sparking within me various feelings and emotions. Onun yapmak konusunda ne için Alex de çok kızmıştı…çok eşlilik?  

Akşamları eve geldiğinde, Ben ranted ve raved. Ben akciğerlerini onu bağırdı, ayıp sıçrayan. Ben burada o kelimeleri ve deyimleri tekrar edemez, gibi they are totally inappropriate. I’m sure you could imagine what they were.  

Bazen when he was watching TV or was on the computer, I’d rush right in from another room and explode-from a distance. I never got too close.  I’d leave the room, again, ve then would rush back. Bunu defalarca yaptım. I kept physical distance from Alex, öfke benim uyuyor sırasında, fearing he’d clobber me and I’d end up laid out on the floor. öfke benim devlet bile, Ben korkuyordu, çok uzakta benim eylem ve davranış almak istememek. Ben gibiydi “çılgın kadın.”  I’m sure the neighbors heard.  (Ben totally mortified and humilitated; Ben mutluyum onlar taşındı.)

Alex benim öfke yanıt asla. O sadece ne yaptığını yapıyor devam, as though I wasn’t even there.  I don’t know how he did it.  I mean this went on throughout the night, Birçok gece, her gece?  I went on and on about how Carolinah just wanted his money and wanted sex. How she nor he knew anything about Islam. Nasıldı kör kör lider. How he was going to practice polygamy just to hurt me, as I had hurt him by not living our lives the way he wanted me to.

Diğer zamanlarda, I became reasonable. I actually began to get to know Alex better. I had an underlying motive.  I’m sure Carolinah thought she was very special right about now. The two of them were preparing psychologically and physically for their steamy, hot encounters.  Iyi, Şimdi daha iyi kocam tanımak için benimle zaman oldu…yeniden yangın veya tutuşturmak için, Herhalde demeliyim, ignite it, as I don’t think it had ever been lit to begin with.

 And that is what I did.

Neredeyse beş yıl boyunca ben gerçekten kendimi bilmiyordum şaşırtıcı, ne de kocam Alex biliyor muydunuz. O kadar bencil oldu, kendini düpedüz kibirli ve merkezli. I hadn’t taken any significant time to know Alex.  I focused primarily on what he did and didn’t do, benim benim ihtiyaçları ve istiyor, and my likes and dislikes. Alex had almost been superficial to me.

Benim için, polygamy was and is a humbling experience.  I never, ever dreamed Alex would consider polygamy. I used to come home and tell him stories about people in neighboring communities who were polygamous, and were getting divorced.  He even told me a couple of similar stories. 

A problem arose with realizing polygamy in my life. I now began to attach myself and focus too much attention on Alex. I swung far, way over to the opposite side.  Although I was still staying conscious of Allah SWT, I had now olmak much too attentive to Alex. 

My Wakeel kept telling me, “What you chase runs from you. What you run from chases you. That is what a chase is all about.” My wakeel advised me time in and time out that nothing should ever be more important than Allah SWT.

Bu açık bir evdir. Gerek vurmak. Sadece gel.

As the date for the marriage drew closer, I felt a need to have more details about it from Alex. Bu yüzden, Diye sordum.  

I already knew the date the marriage was going to take place. They scheduled it for a weekday, the beginning of the week. He said he was going to go to work the day of the marriage and it would take place after the Maghrib prayer, at a Masjid in Carolinah’s hometown. I asked if afterwards they were going to go on a “Honeymoon.” Dedi, yok; they were going to go away sometime during the next year. It didn’t seem at all romantic or glamorous to me and that made me feel much daha iyi. 

Carolinah didn’t live in the same geographical location as me, which made me feel much better as well.  Although, she didn’t live very, very far away, she was far enough away from me.   

Alex and I had revived the passion in our marriage or I should say brought alive passion that hadn’t existed before.  We now had a really nice connection. It felt like I had just met him.  Alex could very well say he was beginning new hayatını, one with Carolinah and one with me, simultaneously. 

He said he would stay four days with her and then would come back home.  I thought she was only supposed to get three days, but I didn’t bother to check it out or squabble about it. 

It didn’t feel that weird to me either, then, gibi it wouldn’t be the first time he was going to be with Carolinah…remember, they were together for a couple of years or so before he and I got married.  Maybe once they resumed the relationship he’d remember why he didn’t marry her to begin with (gülümseme).  I’m sorry!  That was way harsh.