Where Do You Fit in Polygamy?

polygamy 411Where do you fit in polygamy? How would you categorize your marriage or the marriages of others involved in your union? One of our blog sisters ummof4 analyzed the different types of relationships she has read about here at polygamy 411 and she categorized them, which I thought was very good. I, therefore, have shared ummof4′s analysis with everyone as a post, with her consent. She stated the following:

“As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,

I have been reading the posts for the past few days and have done a little bit of analyzing. Here goes:
There are at least 4 different types of relationships that are occurring here. Some even have subcategories.

1. A Real Marriage That Becomes Polygynous – A couple are married for a period of time. The husband decides to become polygynous. He may or may not consult his first wife about his decision. He marries the second wife and it is known to his first wife. The first wife goes through her emotional changes, but after the smoke clears, she remains married to her husband. Her husband is fulfilling his responsibilities towards her, he just now has responsibilities towards two wives. Finances, time spent, etc,. are done according to the laws of Islaam. The first and second wives may or may not be friends, but there is no great animosity and everyone respects everyone else. Occasionally one wife or the other may attempt to play games or make a power play, but the husband has enough Allah consciousness and maturity not to participate in game playing. There is no adultery involved before the second marriage takes place.

2. The “Secret Wife” – The secret wife may be the first wife and the man never tells the second wife about the first one until after they are married for a while. The man really wants to marry the second wife and is afraid that if he tells her he is already married, she will not marry him. So he keeps his first wife a secret until he can no longer do so.

Usually, however, the secret wife is the second wife. The husband convinces her to marry him and she agrees to be kept a secret for a period of time. The husband tells her that he really does not love his first wife, but had to marry her for the sake of family. The second wife is the only woman he has ever loved, and he just can’t live without her. The woman is flattered that she is his first and only love. He cannot tell his first wife because even though he doesn’t love her or really care about her, she has his children. Or he may say he cares about her a little bit and does not want to cause her pain. Or he may or may not care about her, but cannot divorce her because it would tear his family apart.

Secret wives often live far away from each other, so the plan works fine for the husband. He does not have to explain his absences to his first or second wife. He has to travel for business, work or studies, so it is not difficult to keep the wife secret. Sometimes he provides maintenance for his secret wife and sometimes he doesn’t, particularly if she tells him she only needs him and not his money.

3. Adultery With Caring Benefits – A man meets a woman. They begin to date. They begin to have strong feelings for each other. They begin to have sexual encounters whether they are kissing, hugging, phone or internet sex, oral sex or sexual intercourse. The woman falls in love with the man and wants to marry him. He tells her that he can’t marry her because he is already married. He does not love his wife but has to stay married to her for the children, finances, family reputation, his job, he does not want to cause her pain, etc. As soon as he feels the time is right he will divorce his wife. Until then, he and his adultery partner should continue their relationship. He knows he is wrong, but it feels so good and his wife never has made him feel so good. He has never felt about his wife the way he feels about his adultery partner. The adultery partner has made his life complete, and if she leaves him, he doesn’t know what he will do without her. So, the adultery partner continues the relationship with the hope that one day she will be his only wife. And the husband continues to commit adultery, often with his wife believing that she has a faithful husband. This type of relationship can work well f or the man even if the two women live close to each other, because the adultery partner doesn’t get a lot of time; just a few stolen moments here and there. Often the husband committing adultery will give his adultery partner money and pay some of her bills.

4. The Booty Call. – This is similar to adultery with caring benefits. Often the man does not see this adultery partner on a regular basis. She usually lives far away from his primary home. He meets her at work or at an entertainment venue and they strike up a conversation. They have similar interests and begin to have sexual intercourse with each other. He does not profess his undying love for her, but tells her that they have a good thing going on, so let’s keep it going. If she finds out he is married, he does not promise to marry her, but promises to always be there for her through thick and thin. He may or may not give her money or pay her bills.

Only the first relationship is halal according to the Qur’an and Sunnah. The other three are haram. There should be no secret marriages in Islam and a marriage should not consist of lies and deceit. And of course adultery is a major sin, punishable by death in an Islamic state.

It is not for me to tell anyone what to do with her life. But ladies, let’s call adultery what it is, and stop calling it an affair. And stop making excuses for these lying, irresponsible men. If that’s what you want out of life, fine. But don’t make it sound all lovey dovey and romantic, when it is just plain sinful.

May Allah help us all and guide us to the truth and allow us to lead clean, morally upright lives. As women let us respect ourselves so we will be worthy of the respect of others. Let us consider another’s feelings before we try to justify being a secret wife or and adultery partner. Let us each want to stand before Allah in the Day of Judgement with as few major sins as possible and may we be worthy of Allah’s forgiveness on that Day.”

Written by: ummof4, one of our special commentators here at polygamy 411.

Much thanks to Allah swt for bringing ummof4 and all of us together, and for allowing her to share her wisdom, knowledge, and thoughts with all of us. I pray Allah swt continues to bestow His Grace, Mercy, Blessings, Bounties and Gifts upon us all.

***Please Note: This post is primarily for read purpose and contemplation. It is not necessary for anyone to comment about their particular situation with regard to this post unless they want to.***

Remember, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

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296 Comments

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    and with that said, let’s move on to a new post. I ask you all to kindly join us over on the new thread, which is:

    http://polygamy411.com/is-there-a-lack-of-communication-and-respect-in-polygamous-marriages/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    @maryam,

    There’s no need to apologize for how you’re feeling. We all have our ups and downs. No one is up all the time, unless their on something (drugs) and they can’t be on something all the time. I find the state of the Muslim community frustrates me. I get down right disgusted.

    The thing to remember is the Hellfire is going to be full. In order for it to be full, there has to be people doing things that will land them in there. I truly believe that Allah swt determines who will be Muslims, who will be Believers and who will be unbelievers. Those who Allah wants good for – the Believers, Allah swt will have them do good (righteous deeds). Those who He does not want good for, he will cause them to do wrong and evil. I have to remind myself that this is Allah’s Kingdom; it’s His dominion. He created everything in perfect proportion. He’s got this…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 27, 2014

    I worry a bit at the moment im feeling frustrated and that may come across as being negative to others situations and im sorry if iv been like. Its not just polygamy theres family/immigration and other issues going on also.

    We all agree firstly that everything ovrrall comes from Allah. But in this life we also have to make decisions. I do think subconsciously the choices we make are linked to how we are feeling about ourselves.

    If we are feeling fragile, lonely, vulnerable i think we accept less than we would normally see ourselves accepting. In times of high iman we feel capable of tolerating anything abd in times of low iman the opposite.

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    @Aishah2013, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Kinda complicated for you. Huh, I almost had a heart attack when the tech put the comments on top of the article. I was so grateful to Allah that I was looking at the blog at the time surprise and caught him before he called it a night. It was my fault. I wasn’t clear. I simply asked him to put the comments at the top of the page. LOL In my mind I saw where it was supposed to go, but didn’t verbalize it properly.

    I have a new post to put up. Insha Allah, it will be up by tomorrow. I just want to give everyone time to finish up here. Plus, I really need to get a workout in. I haven’t exercised in over a week. I kept trying to get to it, but I can’t do it unless Allah decides. I think the blog is pretty much where it needs to be with the construction. I want to reach out to another web developer and see if they can put the feature in to prevent duplicate user names and maybe a captcha under the comments. Insha Allah, we shall see.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • aishah2013

    January 27, 2014

    Salaams haven’t been on for while.blog was kinda complicated under construction.nothing really new here. I don’t think secrets and lies build a solid foundation. But as you say what Allah wants revealed cannot be concealed

  • maryam

    January 27, 2014

    Gail can probably shed more light on your situation Noor but it seems the fact is he only agreed marry you after he married the pakistani sister and that they plan for her to have a baby as soon as possible (before you) indicates that marriage is viewed as more important than your marriage.

    Even if your secret does come out i worry that you will always be treated with less respect, that your marriage will not be regarded as equal to the first.

    Maybe ask your husband how he thinks his parents will view your marriage.

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    maryam,

    Now could be a good time for us to ask “Spirited” what the outcome of her situation is thus far. In December, her husband was to tell his other wife that he is still married to “Spirited”, still lives with her periodically, and has no intention to divorce “Spirited”. He kept putting it off and December was the last date we heard of.

    @Spirited,

    Do you care to comment on it? I know you have been quite busy with your studies, which may have kept your mind off it a bit.

    @maryam,

    You said a mouth full when you stated, “But people accept what they think they are worth.” WOW!!! That’s heavy…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 27, 2014

    Yes Ana i agree. I honestly cannot understand why your co accepted how things went. But people accept what they think they are worth.

    In these family situations i think the longer the husband delays telling his family the less likely it will happen.

    I know 1 situation where a pakistani brother stood up to his family. He refused to marry a cousin, married a foreign woman 10yrs older than him of no religious belief. They met at a workplace. His family disliked her for all these reasons but he went ahead. They reluctantly accepted it.

    But he was honest about it after the first few months of dating her. It makes me think if a man is going to be honest and stand up to family pressure it happens sooner rather than later.

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    Don’t get me wrong; I know there are some women who would accept a marriage on those terms and accept that it was Allah’s decision how things turned out. The woman would have no animosity or ill feelings about how things were. In the cases we hear about though, it’s not the case.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 27, 2014

    @Noor, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I agree with what Ummof4 and maryam said to you. He lies to you, tells you what you want to hear and you could probably expect to be a secret wife indefinitely. Allah knows best. If Allah wants to reveal it, no one can conceal it and if Allah wants to conceal it, no one can reveal it.

    You said you used to believe him before, but now you don’t. I suppose it’s because he gave you no reason to disbelieve him before. One thing Gail has enlightened us to is that these men know early on that they are expected to marry a cousin, and know who the cousin is way beforehand. We hear the same story again and again about how the poor man went home to Pakistan to visit his parents and once he got there, lo and behold, surprise he was informed out the clear blue sky that he would be married then and there to cousin Betsy. It the same old song.

    Noor, I no longer feel comfortable telling a wife that she should inform the other family of who she is and what. A prime example of why I don’t is the story that Maryam just related to you. It could be very dangerous. When I was in law enforcement, we had a case in which a young girl went missing. Her body was eventually found in a landfill. We learned she had an affair with a married co-worker. She wanted him to leave his wife. When he said he wouldn’t, she threatened to contact his wife and reveal to her the affair. He feared loosing his family and he kill the girlfriend. No one knows who they are dealing with.

    Noor, you have to take some fault for what has happened, as well. Before you married him, you knew that he had gone to Pakistan and married another despite you having had an ongoing relationship with him. What did you think was going to come from the marriage? You couldn’t have thought that you’d marry and live happily ever after. I was just wondering what was going on in your head. I ask because your situation is a bit similar to that of my husband and his other.

    He had dated her for three years. A mutual co-worker of his and mine came to me one day, knowing I was thinking of marrying and had declined an Egyptian suitor. He said his friend is Muslim, had just recently gone through a divorce, and was looking for a wife. His now other had dated him and nursed him through the divorce. He and I met and we arranged to marry and married, Islamically and legally. Nearing five years into his and my marriage, when we were having problems, he went back and got her. He married her.

    It baffles me as to how a woman could accept it. I just know me. I’d be like, get the freak out of here. Why wasn’t I good enough for you to marry me first? I know the Truth that it was Allah’s decision. I just know the bitterness and resentfulness that the woman who it happens to must feel.

    One other thing; I was taken back about the baby. He said he gave her permission to have a baby for such and such a reason. Since when does a wife need permission to have a baby? Again, it appears he is telling you what you want to hear.

    Could you tell me what was going through your head when you decided to marry him after he had gone off and marry another? What were your thoughts?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 27, 2014

    Noor,

    I really believe you will only have a peaceful life with your husband if he is strong enough to defend your marriage to his parents, wife and wife’s family.

    Do you have a reason to believe he can do this?

    I lived in turkey a while ago. I worked with an english girl and her and a married local man fell in love. It was kept secret for a year then they started trying to come out. His family werent happy said it had to stay a secret cos it would cause problems with in laws. It eventually did come out. It caused terrible problems, his turkish wife left the country with his kids, his father was beaten etc.

    To shorten the story my friend stayed in that relationship for 3 years. She left a sad depressed person because whenever he came close to standing up to everyone there would be drama and he would back down.

    His intentions were the same as your huabands to tell everyone and live openly with her but he just couldnt stand up for it every time he backed down.

  • maryam

    January 27, 2014

    Salam Alaikum Noor

    I think he’s telling you what you want to hear.

    Forget his words for a minute and ask yourself what are his actions saying? Words are easy, its very easy to make plans, like i said above he’ll promise you the world. But has anything changed in the time since he married over a year ago?

    He may want to tell them about you but may never have the courage. There may always be a reason that the time isnt right, such as we just got married, shes pregnant, just had baby etc. He may worry her parents will do something bad to his parents?

    If you want to keep trying then why not suggest a time limit, eg within 1 year you want to be out from hiding.

    Also it seems you are ok with this polygamous situation if you are the legal/court wife and if she stays in pakistan. Almost like you can pretend she doesnt exist. I think you are trying to find a way to make this acceptable to you. I understand that.

    For me the hardest part of polygamy is trying to accept that your husband will love another woman. Even arranged marriages like your husbands will grow love and affection whatever he is saying to you now.

    I feel you are trying to protect yourself from hurting more by thinking there are no loving feelings between your husband and her. There may not be now but could be in the future.

    And when you leave uae and go to pakistan to set up your business how will that be now?

    Have you duscussed having children with your husband? Does he have plans for providing for 2 families?

    Keep praying Noor and remember Allah can give us what we want in this lifetime or hold it back till Jannah or prevent us getting it if it is not good for us and He really does know best.

  • ummof4

    January 27, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum Noor,

    You are a secret wife and that may never change. Your husband is probably staying with you because he truly does care about you. However, you may never have complete trust in him because he is most likely telling lies to you and telling lies to his other wife. If you two have children, they will also be a secret as long as you are a secret wife.
    May Allah guide you to what is best for your life.

  • Noor

    January 27, 2014

    I meant to go on with our marriage…typo error

  • Noor

    January 27, 2014

    @ Ana & Maryam

    Salammulaikum! Thanks for the comments you have shared to me regarding my situation. Yes I’m a Muslim, Alhamdullillah! So we were boyfriend/girlfriend before and we decided to get married and it was just that his dad didnt agree for me to be his wife. Thats why instead of me being his first wife, when he went for vacation he married her and came back to me and decided to go on with out marriage. But lots of discussions before we ended with it. As of now, yes I’m a secret wife, (what I was thinking it will be like this forever as long as I’m alive, but few days back he told me he has plan to tell his family and to her coz he doesnt want like this for so long too) – I was totally relieved.

    When he talks to me about plans (future) he sounded like so convincing but sometimes why I’m feeling like he is just really trying to convince me so I will not suspect or argue with him to whatever he is doing on the other side (co-wife). One time I asked him directly if the way he’s talking to me is the same way he is doing to me like how he is talking to co-wife? What I mean is, there are lies he’s telling to her because she doesnt know about me, and I know almost everything what’s going on between them. Coz he’s telling me. That part I know if that’s a lie or not.

    During the early stage of our relationship, I dont have any doubts with his words at all. But after what happened like as how he explained, he just didnt know how to tell me that his parents made an arrangement for him that’s why his words went here and there just for him to let me know what’s happening.

    I have read about that blog about marrying Pakistani men (beware). And that really makes my mind to think about my doubts on him. This is about trusting his words to whatever he says. Well on my part he will not have any other citizenship to acquire. I’m thinking like what he will get from me by staying with me? Because I know we are together from the beginning that’s why we keep on going with it.

    About the baby part with the co-wife, he explained to me that he only agreed with that because co-wife said that will make her stay and not bored in Pakistan. He told me she doesnt want her to be here. And so that she will not think of him everytime. The attention will go to the baby. What do you think sisters??

    Let me take a pause from here. I hope you are all doing well upon reading my post. Maasalam!

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know you’re happy to have that part of it behind you. I’m excited for you. I’m hopeful you did well. You had a lot of us praying for you. Whatever it will be, will be Allah’s decision, so it’s all good. Insha Allah, we’ll all chat with you soon. Goodnight, Spirited. Night Time Insha Allah, I’m going to get off this computer, eat dinner and relax. I’d welcome some sleep too.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    January 26, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    I hope everyone is doing well.

    I just got back home from where I had to go to take that test (not in my state, booo). Insha’Allah, I did well enough to get in -somewhere- laughing Thanks for everyone’s support! Next is applications (oh boy). Well, that’s all from me for the time being, I’ll pop back again for sure.

    Goodnight everyone~

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    maryam,

    I’m glad you like the blog. There aren’t a huge amount of changes; although, it has been an ordeal putting it together LOL. I am so hasty. I need to learn to be more patient. I know I’ve aggravated a lot of technicians and myself, and wasted some money too trying to get this thing right sad It’s all good though. I think Allah swt places us in situations so we can see our faults and flaws so we know where we need work so we can grow nearer to Him.

    It takes time to get to where we need to be. It’s a journey. We must remember though that time is short and we don’t know when our time is going to be up. It’s what concerns me a lot.

    I’m at peace and I’m content, but it doesn’t mean that a thought now and again doesn’t pop in my head and I have to quickly within a split second squash it. It doesn’t mean that I can become complaisant either and think I’m there, as I can backslide just as easily as I got here. There is always a long ways to go as well.

    maryam, don’t for a second doubt that you may not reach a state of being at peace and content. You must never, ever doubt. When you doubt Allah places doubt upon doubt. You are doing way better than you may think. Just you having a sincere desire to get to a certain place that is way good, is good in itself. You said you’ve already experienced how Allah’s love and support makes any situation tolerable. There you go.

    Insha Allah, I’m going to run back to finishing up a post to publish shortly. I really need to get a workout (exercise) in, as well, but it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen tonight LOL. I haven’t even had dinner yet and still have to get back to the technician sigh Nice chatting with you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 26, 2014

    I meant to say Ana the blog is looking good, its nice to have the lady back up there. Thank you for all your effort.

    It really does help to hear how you are genuinely happy now and content with your life in polygamy. Sometimes i feel i could never reach that stage. Even though i know you are 100% right when you say it is all about Allah, following His commands
    Brings peace, His love and support makes any situation tolerable. I know from experiences in my past that is true. Sometimes its just too easy to get caught up in stuff and distracted from truly submitting.

    Sumaika my best wishes for your son and thank you for your reminder that we should always be grateful for what we have not dwelling on what we dont have or lost.

  • Valuable star

    January 26, 2014

    oh okhappy

    Thanks for taking time to explain….

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    Valuable star, hey there happy

    I’m sorry I confused you. I probably confused many others as well. I meant to clarify it for everyone, one time before, but it slipped my mind. No, my wali/bestess and my Egyptian friend are not one and the same people. They are two different people. My wali/bestess has been married for as long as I’ve known him. My Egyptian friend called today to say he just got married.

    I met my Egyptian friend when I was considering him for marriage. I declined the marriage, as I found that he and I were not compatible. Nevertheless, he and I became friends (more like telephone buddies and I helped him with anything I could. He’d come to my workplace occasionally to check on me or if he needed help with something. He said I was his family in the states happy He helped me a good deal too when Alex married “C”. He’d tell me all the time not to worry about there. He’d tell me to love life so that life could love me. He was very inspirational. He’d give me little tips to make my marriage better.

    I got ahead of myself; he was supposed to be my wali for my Nikah/wedding. My wali/bestess did not approve of me marrying Alex because Alex was new to Islam. It appears Alex may have only began to learn and live Islam when he met and married me. I’m not sure when he took the shahadah. I haven’t gotten a clear indication from him.

    Nonetheless, my Egyptian friend who was my wali for my Nikah was late for our wedding at the masjid, so we proceeded without him, and had left by time he arrived. The masjid was full of people, as it was prayer time and Alex and I had plenty of witnesses. We got married in a Turkish community. My Egyptian friend did come to Alex and my formal wedding reception the next evening. He, Alex and I are friends.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Valuable star

    January 26, 2014

    Hie Anna!!

    If I am not wrong then Is this your Egyptian friend as well as your wali, best friend of yours?

    So now has He remarried??

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    My Egyptian friend called me. He got married.Happy Times He’s been back in Egypt for a year now. He said, Insha Allah, he’ll be back in the States soon. He will apply for a visa for his wife and she’ll come here to live with him. I’m looking forward to meeting her.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    @Rasha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You don’t know how happy I am to hear that you and your husband may be able to work it out and remain married. This huge smile came to my face. Bliss Okay, let me pull myself together. Rasha, I will make duah for you. What good news.

    Rasha, yes, I’m still in the polygamous marriage. It’s been seven long years now. I’ve come from a point where I couldn’t much function and didn’t know how I would survive living this lifestyle to enjoying it and being very content and at peace in it. Alhumdulliah!!! It has everything to do with Allah swt and nothing else – knowing why I’m on this planet (Allah created us to serve and worship Him), to wanting and making every effort to accept all of His decisions – not just accept them, but acceptance with enthusiasm. It’s all about Allah. It’s not about a husband or anything else. Although, my marriage has improved 95% from the time he and I married till now. When we turn all our attention to Allah and serve and worship him properly, Allah turns His creation towards us. When we turn our attention to Allah’s creation (husband, children, for instance) we suffer the consequences. Allah turns His creation away from us.

    Rasha, focus totally and completely on Allah, not on your husband. When you do so, everything falls into place. Things will get better between you and your husband. It’s a beautiful thing and a beautiful place to be. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    @noor,

    I feel really sad for you, as I know you are in a lot of pain. You’re not alone in what you’re going through. We’ve heard stories like yours here from others. When it comes to marrying Pakistani men, women need to know their culture, their way of life. They are true to it and live by it. It has nothing to do with Islam. I don’t know if you are Muslim or not; you did not say. One of our blog sisters here, Gail, has given us a very good, clear picture of what one can expect to deal with when it comes to many Pakistani men. Jenny has, as well. I wrote a post called, “Pakistani Men – Beware”. Here are a couple links:

    http://polygamy411.com/marry-a-pakistani-man-beware/
    http://polygamy411.com/culture-versus-islam-in-pakistani-marriages/

    I know you love your husband very much. It does no good to tell you to leave or stay. You are the one who has the love in your heart for this man. It’s easy for someone who doesn’t feel it to tell you to leave. Furthermore, you won’t leave until or unless God has decided it for you.

    Somehow you will have to accept that he is married to another too, whether it was arranged by his parents or not. It doesn’t really matter. They are husband and wife, the same as you and he are husband and wife. He and she will do as husband and wife does, the same as you will do it. They will have sexual relations and possibly have children, the same as you possibly will, as well. It’s quite normal for you to have a dislike for her. In time you may not. Allah (God) knows best. He can make those who are enemies today, friends tomorrow.

    The reason your husband is telling you to go find another husband is probably because he is fed up and tired of your complaints and he knows that you are terribly unhappy. It makes him unhappy to see you this way. He’d rather you go find happiness else where than to see you continually suffering. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you, in fact, he could love you enough to want you to be happy even if it means to be with someone else.

    Thank God that He (God) didn’t allow you to end your life. Things can be okay for you. You have to calm yourself down, relax and try to take it easy. For now, deal with the moment. Take a day at a time. Stay in the here and now. What has happened, has happened. You have to accept what is real at the moment and it is that he is married to the two of you. You could fight and argue with him till you’re blue in the face, it will not make things better.

    There is not much more I can say to you right now. As I mentioned before, I don’t know whether you’re Muslim or not. Noor, I will say, harming yourself is NOT the way to go.

    Noor, yes, it is best that you separate your money from his. When a man has more than one wife, it is especially important that you don’t mix monies. If it’s time for you to rock and roll (leave the marriage), you’ll have something to walk (away) with.

    About him being intimate with her and the distress it causes you, we’ve all felt it when our husbands married others. If you let your mind go there, you will suffer and agonize over it. There is no, and, or, ifs about it.

    We’re here for you, if you want to talk more about it. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    January 26, 2014

    @ana and umm kateer

    Salaams. Long time no comment. I’m a little confused are you two no longer in polygamy and enjoying it? It are you saying that you are at peace with your position in the existence of polygamy.

    Been absent cuz I’m still in iddah but we may be making some progress into coming to a better understanding. Please make du’a that Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala gives me what’s best for my soul and my quest to make it into Jennah. AMEEN

  • ana

    January 26, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All, happy

    Insha Allah, we’re on our way to being back up and running like normal again. I have someone working on moving the comment box to the top, making some adjustments to the sign-in form and fixing the “contact us” form. My wali bestess will try to get the pic at the top of the blog back to the size it was or we may just have to leave it as is.

    @Ummu Katheer,

    I am so happy you are at peace and back to where you were when it was just you and your husband. It’s a beautiful place to be. I hear how joyful you are in your words. Allah’s promises are true. He says that if we serve and worship Him, as He commands, He will dispose of our affairs towards comfort and ease. After hardship there is relief. I’m living it the same as you are right now. Gradually, I began making progress and eventually I got to a place where I, at one time, while living this polygamous life, could only dream of being. It’s a very good life.

    Keep up the good work, Ummu Katheer. Thank you for your wonderful words of encouragement for all of us. Allah swt says when we are through with our immediate task, still labor hard. We have no time to slacken. We’ve got to keep it moving forward with Allah’s help and guidance. This life is short. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 25, 2014

    @billy, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Don’t feel badly about your cameo appearances. I always love hearing from you, even if you can only stop in for a brief hello . Let us know how your babysitting experience turned out. Did your maternal instinct kick in? LOL I know you had to have bonded with the little fellow big grin

    With regard to valuable star, here is a link to the comment that she addressed to you
    http://polygamy411.com/love-allah-more/#comment-55880

    @Sumaika, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I’m making duah for your Son. He’s going to be okay. You hang in there! We are here for you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • billy

    January 25, 2014

    i can’t find her/his comment!! forget it i’ll just answer to this blog topic lol.

  • billy

    January 25, 2014

    asalamualiekum everyone sad

    i feel so bad having been away so long and then making brief cameos here and there. lifes just crazy.

    i have to reply to valuable star from before and then to this. i’ll do it now god willing, just gotta go back and see what she/he asked again

  • sumaika

    January 25, 2014

    Assalamualaikum. Jazakallah for everyones duas. My son is still in hospital and has to undergo a skin graph. Sadly he won’t be having 2 nails on 2 fingers and one finger will be shorter then it actually was. He has to go for trauma counselling and physio also. Wil be moving to my new home in sha Allah wen my son feels better. Allah tests us all in different ways. We plan but Allah is the best of planners. I make shukr that my son didn’t break any bones or lose any limbs. We should always look at those who are worse off than us and make shukr always. Jazakallah for all ur duas

  • ana

    January 25, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @maryam,

    Thank you much for welcoming Aumer and Noor. I’ve been tied up with technical stuff on the blog the last few days, so I really appreciated your help and everyone carrying on in my absence. Alhumdulliah!!!

    @Aumer and Noor

    Yes, you are very much welcome here. Aumer, thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. There are a lot of people out there who read here, but don’t comment, as well. I’m just grateful to Allah that He is allowing us all to come together in an effort to help and support one another. happy

    @ummu katheer,

    Good to see you’re back with us. It’s nice. happy I haven’t a moment to read everyone yet. Insha Allah, I’ll catch up and be back soon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 25, 2014

    Ive also wondered if some husbands think it will hurt their current wife less if they say “i didnt want to marry, my family are forcing me” than if they say “i quite like the idea of polygamy and wouldnt mind marrying someone else”?

    Because it does hurt when your husband says he may want polygamy. In my head i knew he loved me dearly and loved my company and intimacy but my heart hurt terribly that he wanted another.

    If i thought he didnt really want polygamy and was only doing it for his family it probably would have hurt less in the beginning?

  • maryam

    January 25, 2014

    Iv read a number of times about men forced to marry by their families. And saw the pressure when i lived overseas.

    To varying degrees this true. However we should not see these men as having absolutely no choice in the situation.

    They can say no refuse and may be disowned from by their parents and that would make them miserable forever possibly.

    They dont want to be disowned so instead of doing that they enter polygamy choosing often to make their other wife/”girlfriend” at home miserable instead of themselves and their parents.

    Many times its a choice between hurting their parents and risk losing their love/support/family abd hurting the wife/girlfriend at home waiting for them to return from the supposed emergency that they went home for.

    Dont remove their responsibility or choice in doing this.

    And everything comes from Allah so if polygamy is for you it will happen, its just my hope that we start practising it better and more openly like Ana said her life (eventually) got better after polygamy. Thats how it should be for all of us inshallah.

  • maryam

    January 25, 2014

    Also Noor, please keep your money separate from his. If he is your husband he should provide for you and he knows this. He can afford to support his wife because he is not supporting you.

    Think of your future. You could put all your youth and money into this man for what? To be a secret, hidden away when his wife is around.

    Leave him now while she is here. Cos He will chase and chase you to stay and that will be harder for him to do when she is here. He will promise you the world and you’ll be in the same situation for years. He’ll have wufe and kids maybe and you’ll have nothing.

    This is why secret marriages never work. He may not even consider your marriage if its just a court marriage and not a religious marriage.

  • maryam

    January 25, 2014

    Salam alaikum everyone,

    And welcome Aumer, Umm Katheer, Noor.

    Aumer maybe your current wife and a future one could get benefit from reading this blog too. It’s nice to see that brothers are interested in learning from sisters experiences with polygamy which may help the brothers and their families if they go into polygamy.

    Umm Katheer i agree totally about just wanting peace and also doing things to strengthen your iman and own personal well being.

    Noor, so you are a secret wife? Are you actually married?. I think your husband/partner has shown you in many ways he will always choose his family over you. Why stay and be treated like a mistress?

    Your battle is with him not his wife. She would have little choice in the matter. And while you only see her as fat Allah may have placed much good in her thar you dont know about. He is supporting her while you are supporting him. You make his life comfortable, he makes your life miserable.

    Polygamy is hard for people that believe in it. Do you even believe in polygamy? If not it will be even harder.

    He wont divorce her so either you accept the life he is offering you or leave.

  • noor

    January 25, 2014

    We were both in the same company in UAE where we came to know each other. So we started dating out and easily we fell for each other. By the way he is Pakistani and I\’m a Filipina. And so as we all know people from his country for sure are into arranged marriage. And so we talked about it. And he was really sure for himself that he doesnt need anyone else but it would be me only, so he decided to talk to his parents not to look for him anymore because he has found someone already. We were happy. And we swore to each other that we will tell honestly and no secrets. So he tried to do slowly in skype. They started to ask from which family, background and all. But the father is totally disagree about. Knowing only that I\’m a Filipina. For him Filipina are not good wife that they will just take the children from the father afterwards. And so many other negative things about Filipina. He was saying like I assume because he was in UAE before and maybe that\’s how he saw/met others of my same nationality. It\’s not fair for me to be judged like that. Coz I\’m not totally like them. Anyway, so after 2 months (FEB 2012) his father called him to go back Pakistan for some land reason. He was there for 4 days. And only recently, I put it all together. That it was not only because of land he went there but because there was a something like u can call engagement but not official means it was not celebrated or done with relatives but within them only. I have confirmed this from the FB of this WIFE now. There was an engagement date on her timeline. And he was telling me no, nothing happened like that but meeting with her parents only. This marriage I came to around AUG 2012 when our annual vacation is coming nearby. We both decided to go OCT 2012. Him (Pakistan) me (Malaysia). That\’s the only time he told me that he was getting married! It was a bang to me! I dont know how to react. Too many questions and arguments came up and it went everyday until our vacation came. I cant even do my work properly. He told me after he comes back he will marry me. (Well it\’s like just because he got married after that suddenly he is willing to marry me without them knowing) I mean if he can do why he didnt marry me first before leaving me and marry her. Anyway, we didnt have much time to do that also, since he told me 2 months before our vacation only. I will not have enough time to do preparations with my papers for a court marriage. I dont know if he did it that way intentionally. So he got married and we came back December. Still same a lot of questions and arguements we had. Because I cannot believe what happened. One time after work we had a very intense discussion that it made him cry and he was able to say what\’s inside him. He has to do because of his parents. He knows that will make them happy and because of people around (relatives) who were pushing for the marriage also, etc. etc. He told me for us to seperate and not to see each other, he will quit and go back pakistan. That was a terrible night for me because he really became suddenly like a stone and he was not hearing any of my words anymore. He was determined. I came to the point of thinking to end my life. Days passing by until he spoke to me and finally agreed to do the court marriage (FEB 2013). I thought that was it. I will be happy. Because I even told myself (I just wanted to get married and then after that, he can do whatever he wants, he can even go whenever he wants) but I failed. I cannot. So we always fight now about his time. Until now, this is the issue. He is physically here with me, but his mind is in Pakistan I can tell from his face. I know its not because of her but something else that bothers him. So I asked him whats happening. It was because they were pushing him to take her here for sometime. And he told me that they want her to be here permanently actually he just disagreed. Now to make it short, she just came this month (Jan 3) and she will be here til end of FEB. From the very beginning of their marriage she was talking about baby. So now it\’s like they are on honeymoon trying to have one. And thats a slap for me again. Like even though I dont want to I\’m starting to imagine both of them doing it. He has plans for me. Since he knows I want a house, (I\’m a POC holder by the way) I can get a house in their country and stay there at the later part. We opened an account where we both can start our savings for that and for the business that we would like to open in their country when we decided to leave UAE. But whenever I think about her, I feel like she is so lucky. Getting everything and she is just only in the house doing what? And I\’m striving hard for everything. (Can you tell me if my mind is thinking right on that part?) Now if successfully they will have a baby, its another issue for me. What will I do? How I can continue with this? I dont see myself going with another man. Or did I thought of having someone else because of my situation. Few times he did tell me actually why dont i look for another husband if im keeping on complaining about him? That\’s very hurtful for me. Isnt it? Is it really like easy to throw or give away a wife? Anyway, he told me that just came out of his mouth and he didnt mean it. I dont know anymore. Because I started to have doubts in all his words when he didnt tell me about the arranged marriage earlier, when we swore to be honest to each other. I\’m 32 now he is 31 and the other is just 20 yrs old. Physically, educational background, skills I\’m better than her. She is fat and all not his type. I cannot accept whats happening. I came first to his life and I ended up like this. What do you think? How I can overcome this to move on? Advice me please to straighten my mind. I dont want to give up.

  • ummu katheer

    January 25, 2014

    As salaamualaikum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakaatuh,

    Pat, I’m also one of 3 wives. Im the ’1st’, my dh and I are from same race and #2, and #3 are of a difft culture than both me and him. It’s been 7 yrs w/#2 and almost 2 with #3. It’s been a rollercoaster for me, to say the least but I am at a better emotional place now than ever before. I also have 8 children. All I want is peace, and so does dh. It has been very stressful for us all, but within the past week especially, things are changing back into the good it was, from what I remember us like before p. I can only and truly say this is from the mercy of Allah the most High. Patience and dua, this is what we have. It is hard except on those whom fear their Lord. SubhaanAllah I wanted to make a short response, but Pat I can feel some of your pain. I know many sisters in p who just don;t have the support to be able to cope and have no one they can confide in. It was hard for me alot in the beginning because I was used to confiding in my dh only. But over time, I gained a close network of sisters who are also hurting and need just to be able to feel that they can be allowed to hurt, and not be ashamed of their feelings. There are some whose husbands are oppressive in the way they treat their wives when he takes another and/or another. So for us especially we rely on a good support system. And mashaallah Ana has established this place for us online, jazaakillahu khairan and May Allah guide us on the straight way Ameen.

    Ive taken some time out for me, and realize how much more this is important this is when in p. And for the moms out there, it is imperative. Puts your mind in a hppy place. It doesnt even have to be expensive. I am taking arabic and Quraan classes. Quraan classes are at a physical place, and the other is online (arabic made easy.com), is it ok to post links?) Pat, go and sit in the masjid, spend the nite if you can. Stay at home if you cant, get up and pray in the middle of the night and implore Allahs help. May He make this situation easy for us Ameen.

  • Aumer

    January 25, 2014

    Assalamu alaykum Sr Ana

    I stumbled upon your blog here and can’t express how thankful I am for the great effort you’re putting into this blog. The thought of getting married to a new wife has been hunting me for the past few months. Getting to read the various perspectives of yourself and your respected readers/contributors is priceless to say the least!

    Jazakom Allah kol khayr!

  • ana

    January 24, 2014

    @Mari2,

    I think the existing wives lives should be enriched or at least remain the same when a husband takes another wife. What sense does it make for him to take from his existing wives to have another?

    It’s very sad that the newcomers concern themselves only about self and demand so much knowing the men already have families. Many are totally selfish. It can be seen in the case of Ina’s husband. Did the woman not know when his first wife’s anniversary was? It’s something I’m sure the potential wife usually asks the husband/potential husband – when did you and your wife get married???? I mentioned that my husband’s other had listed my anniversary date as a date she wanted him to consider for her vacation. I wouldn’t even be able to bring myself to joke about such a thing and ask for her wedding anniversary. It’s no joking matter. It tells the mentality of the person one is dealing with. It’s not a very nice person.

    The husband should consider what he needs to maintain his current family (ies) and determine what he has available after it to give to the newcomer. The newcomer could accept it or reject it. The men are too lustful and greedy to see beyond their own wants and those of the newcomer.

    I received more from my husband when he married another and my life kept getting better materially and financially. Why marry another and take from the others leaving them bitter and resentful?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    January 24, 2014

    @Mari2,

    The Quran states “And give to the women (whom you marry) their Mahr (obligatory bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage) with a good heart”
    [al-Nisa’ 4:4]

    This does not mean that the woman is a product to be sold, rather it is a symbol of honour and respect, and a sign that the husband is willing to shoulder his responsibilities and fulfil his duties.

    Sharee’ah does not stipulate a certain limit for the mahr that should not be overstepped, but it does encourage reducing the mahr and keeping it simple.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of marriage is that which is made easiest.” Narrated by Ibn Hibbaan, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3300.

    And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of mahrs is the simplest (or most affordable).” Narrated by al-Haakim and al-Bayhaqi, classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami’, 3279.

    And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to a man who wanted to get married: “Look (for something to give as a dowry), even if it is a ring of iron.” Agreed upon.

    The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) set the highest example for his ummah in that regard, so that a clear understanding of the basic principles would be implanted in society, and a spirit of simplicity would spread among the people.

    This reinforces the fact that in Islam, the mahr is not something that is sought for its own sake.

    “Do not go to extremes” means do not exaggerate in increasing the dowry. “A man may increase the dowry until he feels resentment against her” means, until he begins to hate her when he is still paying off the debts incurred because of this mahr because it is too hard for him, or whenever he thinks about the matter. A man should not give a mahr greater than he can afford to pay without any hardship. Hence it is clear that what people do nowadays, increasing the mahr and exaggerating concerning it, is something that goes against the sharee’ah.

    The wisdom behind reducing the mahr and not increasing it is quote clear:

    This makes it easier for people to get married, so that they will not be diverted from it, which will result in all kinds of moral and social corruption.

  • ana

    January 24, 2014

    @Mari2,

    You could help your husband by telling him to be firm in dealing with his cousin and his mother on what he can afford and is willing to pay for the cousin’s dowry. They can demand all they want. She gets what he gives her. He may feel pressured to please and obey mom because they are steep in culture, which for them supersedes Islam. It’s on him.

    Allah doesn’t give us a burden more than we have the strength to bear. We put the additional burden on ourselves. If he succumb to their wishes, he suffers the stress and debt that comes with it, and some disgruntled and unhappy other wives, as well. He’ll have to deal with trying to maintain the three families. Pretty much, he’s setting himself up for a hell of a time on this planet.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 24, 2014

    @Mari2,

    Fair and Just is relative to the parties involved. What the husband arranges with the wives for their mehr (dowry) is between the one wife and the potential husband. It is based on what he can afford or what he is willing to pay and what she is willing to accept. No other wife has anything to say about it or I should say, the other wife could say what she wants, of course, but the husband doesn’t have to listen. There is “Freedom of Speech” LOL Who pays for the ceremony and gold and all that stuff works the same. It’s whatever the parties (the husband and his potential bride agree on). Fair and Just depends on the parties. Wives don’t have to have equal and the exact same thing. Muslims are to be fair and just in all their dealings, not just with polygamy.

    Some cultures dictate who pays for a wedding and how much gold etc. should be given. It’s all cultural and not Islam. Islam is easy. I’ll be back, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Mari2

    January 24, 2014

    I have a quick question if you will permit Ana:

    This question is in regards to mehr when there is more than one wife. Does/is the husband required to pay the same dowry to each wife? What about the cost of ceremonies? Gold? How does that work as far as fair and just is concerned? Does the first wife have a say as to the costs?

    This is why I ask: When M married R and me, we both asked for a dowry within his means which he was able to pay prior to nikah. Both of our nikah were simple affairs done Islamically. Now rishta was done between M and his cousin S. M was not there for rishta, his family held the ceremony in his absence. M received a picture of his cousin after rishta was done. Fine. When he and I went to Pak, there was much quarreling between M and his mom regarding the dowry for his cousin. M said he could afford to offer X amount of dollars for the dowry. His mother said X was insufficient due to the fact he “lives in the USA” and if he offers X “people will be unhappy”. She suggested he offer Y dollars, x amount of money in gold and clothing, and x amount for the 3 day ceremony. M. balked because in order to pay for all of that, he would have to take a loan and pay interest on it. There is no way he can afford what his mother and uncle are asking AND continue to support his mom and siblings in Pakistan, AND support his wife R. who has health issues and requires certain care. He told his mom if he pays Y in dowry, then no gold and no three day ceremony.

    He was pretty steadfast in his arguments with his mom about culture vs Islam. He is adamant about NOT offering a dowry he cannot pay prior to the consummation of the marriage, and he is unyielding about taking a loan to pay for the dowry and required celebrations which in his mind are rather unnecessary. He asked me if I would find him a fair and just husband if he spent all this money on a girl “just because she is my cousin and my family requires it?” I have to say I couldn’t answer him immediately. I still am not sure if I can answer the question.

    Part of me wants to say that any debts he accrues are his problem. But what then if such a huge debt worms in on his ability to support me and R.? Does he then fail to be just and fair? What about when he is stressed about his finances and is working long hours to pay for marriage to number 3, and R and I rarely see him? Does he fail then to be just and fair to us? I am not sure.

    It would be nice to get some perspective from those who have been there and done that and might offer how I can help M. in this situation. Thanks and Wassalam.

  • ana

    January 24, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I’m hopeful everyone is okay. Insha Allah, we’ll be back up and running smoothly within the next couple days. I just have a few things to do, for instance, get the web developer/designer to move the comment box to the top and I have to see if I can get the photo back up there;although, it may not be the same size as before. We shall see. I discovered the “Contact Us” form isn’t working, so I’ll need to look into it this afternoon, Insha Allah.

    Look forward to chatting with everyone soon. I think it’s time for a new post, as well.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 21, 2014

    Pat,

    Im sorry you feel down. How long have you been married? Was their any reason in particular that made you want to be a 3rd wife? Were you always going to have less time or have the goalposts changed?

    I think everyone underestimates polygamy until they are in it. I gathet your feelings for your husband are stronger than at the start and tgats why you feel sad/down/jealous.

    I do like the way you referred to the wives and children all as your family, usually its “my” husband and “his other”.

    Its interesting to meet a sistet who is one of three wives. Inshallah i would like to hear any similarities/differences in that situation to having just 1 co wife.

  • maryam

    January 21, 2014

    Salam Alaikum ladies,

    Ina, i really feel for you. It sounds to me like your husband isnt rocking the boat with potential no.2 in case her and/her family back out of the marriage.

    Its rude really rude marrying/honeymooning on your anniversary. I would put up a fight over that. As Ummof4 said plans can be changed and it was his mistake in the first place to schedule for that time!

    It bothers me alot that when you are being fair, explaining things in a reasonable way to him, he is choosing not to fix the problem in a fair and honourable way.

    I think he is taking for granted you will always be there whereas hes not secure yet that no.2 will go through with the marriage if shes not getting what she wants. Could this settle down after the wedding? If not then its a big problem.

    How much time is he planning on spending in malaysia each year? He must have some idea as she would have asked about that? Maybe she resents that she cant move to the UK cos hes legally married to you? Maybe thats what het family want, get rid of you so she can come.

    Sorry if i sound negative today, it just angers me that you are trying to accept polygamy but she continues games and hes not being fair. He has to realise if hes not careful with your heart it will go cold towards him

  • Laila

    January 21, 2014

    Dear Lisa, sorry for the late reply to your issue…. When I read about your problem, I get a feeling that hes not sure himself about what he wants out of the relationship. Referring to wanting something as just a friendship shows his mentality and overall attitude about everything. I agree full on when one of the sisters here stated that people take advantage of reverts. I also would like to state that he probably doesn’t know what he wants in the long run.

    I think before we marry someone, we must take the time and get to know one another well. Discuss what’s on the plate, in terms of where one would like to see the relationship grow and what’s expected and all. I say all this not to attack you but my sister in laws youngest daughter is going through hell in her marriage right now. When hubbs and I look at it, we realized that they were so excited to get married but never planned things through. E.g. she prefers to stay put with her mum and baby in another state and her husband is living with his parents in another state. He now refuses to visit weekly and has told her that shes a disobedient wife for not wanting to stay with him. I look at it in a different light. She’s in her comfort zone. Mum cooks and cleans and looks after everything. Husband feels frustrated because he’s not able to lead a proper family life. Im not saying hubbs and I are so organized. Nope! We still have a long way to go. But I urge couples who want to tie the knot to discuss details and really got to know one another well.

    Don’t feel bad. Whether first or second, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that you wanted the relationship to start on the right footing.

    Salam.

  • Ina

    January 21, 2014

    And all this happened the day before my birthday…a very unhappy birthday to me. I don’t think he even remembers it’s my birthday…

  • Ina

    January 21, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    For those who remember, my husband is planning to be away on honeymoon during our 12th wedding anniversary. I asked him to change it. At first he said he will try. When I asked again a few days later, he refused to change it giving me various excuses. I reckon he’s discussed with future co-wife and she said no. He would not admit this because he does not want her to look bad (since I already do not think well of her based on actions to date). He said we can celebrate on a different date. Really? Do you think I’d be in the mood to celebrate the day after your honeymoon? Do you think I want to celebrate subsequent years knowing/remembering what happened this year on that date?

    I seriously thought that we are not going to make it to 12 years of marriage. I made istikhara prayers for guidance. Please make dua for me to get through this somehow. I had some terrible thoughts…astaghfirullah…Audhu Billahi mina shaitanir rajeem

  • Laila

    January 21, 2014

    Dear all, happy thank you for reminding me that Ive been a ‘brat’…. sucking up and being a good girl now happy I didn’t go to work yesterday. Instead I stayed home the whole day yesterday and watched tv like a zombie. Still on pain killers…. Hubbs asked me out to dinner yesterday and I drove there with one hand. Met a very interesting young woman and couldn’t stop talking! She was so good at her command of English and such a sweetheart. She’s the restaurant owners daughter. Nice Chinese girl.

    Dear Sumaika, I pray everything goes well for your son.My finger is cut and sore so I can understand your situation. I pray everything goes well.

    Dear Maureen, don’t worry. Everytting will go well. At times we all make mistakes and think people will change. Look at it this way, you now know where you stand and what you need to do. I know being broke isn’t the best feeling ever, but trust me, something good will come out of this. Allah s.w.t. never leaves his followers helpless. I believe when one door closes, many other doors are open for other forms of oppourtunities. Now it’s time for you to decide and move forward.

    Dear Lynette, please get better soon. I miss you so much and I am hoping to hear from you soon.

    Salam

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Pat, I’m assuming you are Muslim, since you didn’t mention if you were or not. I am also assuming that when you married your husband you knew that he lived in another country with his other 2 wives and 4 children. Now you say you struggle with being away from him and knowing that he will be having regular sex with his other wives, but not with you. Did you think that this would be easy? Did you think that he would leave his other 2 wives and 4 children to be with you? If he is as good a Muslim as you say, Alhamduillah. That also means that he probably told you that when you married him you would have a long distance marriage and he would not spend much time with you.

    Your husband will probably not be able to spend any more time with you than you originally agreed to. When he comes to visit you, it will be impossible for him to give you the same amount of days as his other wives unless he stays for many months at a time. If he stays away from his other wives and children for many months at a time, that will most likely cause major problems in those marriages.

    Since you agreed to marry a man who doesn’t live near you and has 2 other wives that he spends most of his time with, I believe you should prepare yourself for a spending a lot of time without your husband nearby. Don’t expect your husband to change his whole life and the lives of his family that he had before you.

  • ana

    January 21, 2014

    Okay, until I can get someone to move the comment box to the top, I have put the comment box on the bottom, near the newer comments to make it easier. I know it will be a terrible inconvenience for those using cell phones and mobile devices as you’ll have to scroll for days to get to the bottom. Insha Allah, I’ll get us back to normal as soon as possible.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 21, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I apologize for the inconvenience setting up the new blog has caused. This will take some time. I have to set the blog up from scratch again. I will need to hire a web designer to move the comment box to the top of the page and add the time the comments are left. It involves changing code and if one doesn’t know what he or she is doing with it, it could wipe out the entire blog. I don’t know much about code. Insha Allah, I’ll get to it tomorrow. Having the comment box at the bottom of the page definitely won’t work.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Pat

    January 21, 2014

    I have never used an on line support groups so please bear with me. I am a 3rd wife to a wonderful man, who truly tries to a good muslim. Sigh, I live in a different country from my husband and our family (two other wives and 4 kids). So when my night rolls around we spend time on skype then he sleeps with who ever night it would be. I struggle with this … he said it will balance off in the end. Because when he visits the country that I live in he will spend all the nights with me. But I cant help but struggle …

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Sumaika, it’s wonderful to hear from you. Alhamdulillah for your move to the city to be able to spend more time with your husband. Make sure you stay nice and sweet and don’t do too much complaining and arguing. How is the weather in South Africa today? It’s snowing in the eastern United States.

    MsA, I agree with Maryam. It is important for any new Muslim, male or female, to develop a working relationship with Allah before marrying. However, it is difficult to do when one comes into Islaam already romantically involved with a Muslim. Take it one day at a time and do what is necessary to become a better Muslim. Improve on your salah (we can all use improvement); give in charity to the needy in your area; fast some days; make more good Muslim sister friends; listen to inspiring Islamic lectures or enroll in Islamic classes; all of these actions will take you closer to Allah and His mercy and blessings.

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2014

    As=salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Spirited, your dream made me smile (except for the crazy ending). I believe that we are doing just as your dream depicted, helping each other in times of need. We’re just doing it in an anonymous fashion online.

    May Allah keep all of our intentions pure as we are sisters for each other.

  • Gail

    January 21, 2014

    Maureen,
    Don’t beat yourself up u are only human and u tried your best to a good wife.Only think positive thoughts now.Just think how u will support your baby and yourself and instead of thinking of yourself alone in this world think that the entire world is now yours to create what u will for your life and your baby.Do not let anyone treat u any other way than u want to be treated.Just think positive and feel that u really did all u could in your situation.You will be ok don’t worry and just think positive and will yourself to be happy.Also do not think bad thought about your husband.I am also very guilty of this but it really does serve no purpose except to fuel negative energy which u do not want I am sure.I guess my advice to u would be FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS and stop beating the dead horse.lol
    I have been going through so much myself so you are in good company.lol I am working on taking the advice I just gave u.

  • Gail

    January 21, 2014

    Mari2,
    I am happy u had a good time in Pakistan.I totally understand where u are coming from with the tablecloth as I call it.lol It is always very hard for me to to keep it wrapped around me and on my head and keep my boobs covered correctly.It was a lost cause to be frank.lol
    I also understand about being paraded around like the prize pig(I use to call it) esp when it came to MIL she was the worst to Parade me around like her prized trophy.I don’t know about you but I hated it so much that i finally told hubby to make her knock off.It was so bad that she would bring woman in my room and I was sleeping wake me up and I looked horrible and worse yet i had just shirt and panties on so I looked so obvious and rude sitting under the covers.I get flash backs to this day over that so yeah I know well what u went through.Maybe you took it better than me not certain.Glad u had a nice time in Pakiland.

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2014

    Everyone have a successful day in being grateful to Allah for the blessings He has given us.

  • ummof4

    January 21, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Maureen, I am glad that you left an abusive marriage. Do not worry about being a single parent, Allah will make it easy for you if you obey Him, trust in Him and love Him more than anyone or anything else. Alhamdulillah, you have supportive family; some women have to go to homeless shelters when they leave an abusive marriage.

    MsA, there is a du’ah(prayer) to make when we want Allah’s guidance in making a decision. It is called Istikharah. I have put it on the blog before, but here it is again for the newcomers.

    1. Make a two rakah salah.
    2. Then say” O Allah, I ask Your guidance due to your knowledge, and I ask Your help due to Your ability. For you are able and I’m not able, You know and I don’t know, and You are the one that knows the hidden matters. O Allah, if You know that his matter (mention what the matter is) is better for me in my faith, my livelihood and for my future life, the short term and the long term, then decree it for me, make it easy for me, and give me blessings in it. And if You know that this matter is bad for me in my faith, my livelihood and for my future life, the short term and the long term, then keep it away from me and take me away from it, and decree for me the good wherever it is, and make me content with it.”

    The answer to this du’ah will come with the ease or difficulty in moving on with your life. Do not ignore the signs when Allah sends them. I pray you make this salah and say the du’ah.

  • sumaika

    January 21, 2014

    Slms hope evreryone is doing good. Haven’t been on for a few days. Alhamdulillah hubby lands in safrica today. My eldest son met up in a accident in another city on thursday and hurt his fingers badly. He’s in hospital and will need to have a few operations done on him. Request for duas from all the sisters. At the moment I’m with my son and will be returning home to move to the city where my husbands work is at the weekend. My son is from my previous marriage but alhamduliila the support from my husband even while he was in india was amazing. May Allah make it easy for all going through any problems or heartache. Allah is with us always

  • maryam

    January 21, 2014

    You do sound more positive Mrs A, good for you.

    I do the Isikharah prayer often, im on phone typing and will make a mess of i try to write here. Inshallah google it. You pray 2 rakah and then say the prayer. Have you had any help with praying? Inshallah your mosque has helpful information.

    Mrs A one piece of advice i would lije to give you is dont rush into marrying anyone. I dont think anyone should get married until they have been muslim at least 1yr.

    Sorry if that offends anyone but its really important you develop your own personal muslim identity and relationship with Allah. Everyone practices with different depths, commitment etc so take time to find out how you are comfortable practising.

    I say this sisters cos too many times iv seen mosques marrying reverts fast, too fast. When we are comfortable with ourselves as muslims then we are in a positon to choose a husband compatible with ourselves.

    I do think you are making the right choice Mrs A.

    You are avoiding a whole lot of problems and you do deserve better. A good, kind, honest muslim man is a gift from Allah. While your friend may have good qualities, he is not being a good example to you. He seems selfish. Be strong, you will have happier times ahead.

  • Ms A

    January 20, 2014

    Thanks for all sisters here to give me advice. I feel better to read all of your reply, feeling relaxing and peaceful.

    I think most of you all suggest me not to do this marriage. To be very honest, at this stage, I also prefer this option.

    I feel so much about him inside. But I know if I accept it, his wife must get upset very much. She must be expecting to move to this country to live with him in the future. If I enter in this marriage, I will be the only one legal wife here, she needs to stay in Pakistan. Because this country is not allow Polygamy. He is also planning to bring his brothers to here. I don’t want to hurt anyone. For his wife, there’s no more options. For me, I still can leave if I want at this stage.

    Basically I’m not depending on him very much, only emotional attachment. I have my full-time job now, I don’t have so much time to think about him except evening at home. Because I’m living in this country without families. I even using my money to support his life here and little support his families in Pakistan.

    I also go to Islamic centers sometimes for lectures. I’m also thinking to talk with Iman or Master there to seek some advice for this issue.

    I also want to seek guidance from Allah, is there any special prayer or actions i can perform for this? I’[m sorry I’m pretty new in Islam, so I don’t know very well. I hope sisters here can help me.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Forgot to say Maureen, it took me 7 years aftet that to have the courage to even contemplate marrying again. I was always concerned a “step father” may not be able to grow attached to another mans child.

    The main reason i considered it in the end was because friends would say “your son needs a father figure”. Thats always been my achilles heel.

    You questioned your choice of husband. If its reassuring having a child made me stronger. Theres things i would accept for myself previously that i wont accept now cos i think no, my child deserves better.

    So dont worry about the future, Allah will take care of that, just get yoir emotional and religious strength back for now and try to enjoy your lovely baby, sometimes we forget that when we’re under so much stress and upset.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Thankyou Spirited, i appreciate your ideas. I dont suppose you ate cheese before that dream? I tend to have sillier dreams when iv eaten cheese cliclose to bed time. Wierd.

    Marie theres nothing scarier with a baby than a breathing scare like that, alhamdulilah you were there and fast to act. I will make duaa your baby has a fast and full recovery. Inshallah.

    Maureen i was in a similar situation to you 9 years ago with a baby. I had to leave a country and return to my parents house. No matter what anyone said i felt terrible guilt that it was my choice to leave and therefore i was responsible for breaking up my family and raising my child as a single parent. It is a very hard and confusing time

    Alhamdulilah it was hard for a while but Allah gave me better than i had before. I got a job in my field that enabled me to earn good money and still spend alot of time home with my baby. Slowly i built up our savings, bought a house, enjoyed a simple, peaceful, satisfying life with my child.

    My child is a much loved happy bright content active compassionate young guy. I would have preferred that my child grew up in a “traditional” family unit, but i dont regret leaving a controlling, dangerous home. I would have liked my child to have siblings, but its not a good reason to stay in an unsafe home. Thats not the type of young muslim man i want to raise.

    Plenty of good young men and women come from single parent homes. Similarly, and unfortunately, plenty of damaged young people come out of violent homes.

    Violence as a way of solving problems is a learned behaviour. Your son doesnt need to learn that.

    Lastly whatever time brings dont feel like your son is lacking or hard done by becayse of your situation. I used to feel that way and for a short time probably treated him like a victim. Dont give him the mindset theres something deficient
    because his parents may not be together.

    Inshallah there is better ahead for you whatever that may be.

  • Aishah2014

    January 20, 2014

    welcome new blog people.it is so great to have somewhere to express yourself.! Ina your hub can change that honeymoon plan! the Facebook thing did remind me of some months back.my hubs. other ( muchhh younger) or maybe he did I don’t know had her picture light up his phone when she called him ( I don’t know how else to say that) since he didn’t have my picture or his kids or anyone else picture in there I pointed that out to him.and he changed it back…it seemed juvenille….Spirit your nose better be in a book.Maureen glad u and baby r OK.Marie how frightening will make dua a for ur baby..Laila it is hard to be alone and scary when you are sick or injured…polygamy does make u have to face it more independently.sometimes my kids are sick or get hurt and I just gotta keep moving forward.I will say every time I feel sick when I’m alone and I get the ” no one to look after me but he would always have someone to look after him” idea somethings happens like ill find out someone is very ill or worse, and know my stuff could be worse!

  • marie

    January 20, 2014

    Ahhhh huge mistake astaghfuillah in my post to Maureen I ment “ask of Allah ” not over

  • Mari2

    January 20, 2014

    @Gail
    Went to Pakistan this past winter holiday and wished I had you to refer to with certain situations. I found Pakistan to be great, M’s family was very nice to me, BUT there were so many familial undercurrents that I struggled to understand since my pushto is limited to three words. I felt like I was on display for some relatives, or relegated to a room when others visited. Nothing was clearly explained by M or his sisters. I had a good time, BUT also was a huge chador fail too, much to the annoyance of Sil’s and MIL. I am envious of women who can wear chador like it is their skin, but I close it in the car door, let it unknowingly slide off my head, turn my head one way and it all falls off. My SIL’s were constantly fixing my chador while in the bazzar that I knew they grew annoyed, and I was annoyed at the constriction of movement and extra material between me and my world. Still I managed great shopping and no vendors seemed upset by my lack of chador finesse.

  • Spirited

    January 20, 2014

    Oh nuggets, I just remembered what I was forgetting

    @Laila, I’m glad to hear that your pinky wasn’t hurt too badly (not cut off completely or something!). My sister once cut her middle finger very deeply with an exacto knife while she was doing an art project back in college (art major). She had cut herself down to the bone (you could practically see it! i dont want to see), she needed stitches too — AND we had to attend a cousin’s Nikah the same night! laughing So in all the pictures, she has her hand held up, with the middle finger pointed up (she had to, to prevent blood from pooling) laughing Its hilarious to look back now, but it was pretty scary and painful at the time. By the time they had gotten her to the hospital, her finger had turned blue! Now you can barely see the scar, so it healed up just fine, I’m sure yours will too. big grin

    I am sorry to hear that no one seems to care too much, sometimes a person wants some babying winking. Especially if you already feel neglected. I know I often feel neglected myself, so I can totally understand. A lot of times, its just me and the family cat here at (my parents’winking home. Insha’Allah, I’ll get into a DO school and really turn things around for myself — between that and taking care of Islamic duties, there wouldn’t be a chance to feel lonely or neglected. You already are pretty busy most of the time, from what I can remember, so just don’t think about extra stuff, or how people don’t seem to care about how much attention you give them and you barely get any back (like with your parents). I’m sure its not that much of a problem in the end, right? You’re doing what you do for Allah & yourself, and that’s what matters most. <3 Acknowledgment from other humans is mostly pointless.

    Alrighty, I'm pretty sure I'm not forgetting anything now, so I'll talk to you ladies tomorrow.

  • marie

    January 20, 2014

    Asalaamu alaykum all,

    @ Maureen, I was thinking about you and little Elias recently, I’m so sorry your going through a rough time I will be sure to make dua for you and the little one. I’m sure Elias will be just fine with you as a single parent (if it continues that way) from your post I think your loving, caring person and I’m sure you’re all you’re son will need. Try not to worry about money as Allah is the provider. Remember if you ask, ask over Allah. Loads of cyber hugs sent you’r
    e way X

    Well it’s nearly 2 in the morning here and I’m up watching over our new baby, he gave us quite a scare this morning. I fed, changed and put him back in his bed at 5 o’clock this morning, at 6 o’clock my 3 year old came and got in our bed as usual. I decided to stay up as fajr would start soon, 10 mins later our baby struggling to breath and we had to rush him to hospital by ambulance. Alhamdulilah he is breathing fine now but has a viral infection. Me and hubz are taking turns to watch him round the clock. please can you all make dua for him. The doctor said he will probably get worse before he gets better.

    Much salaams X

  • Spirited

    January 20, 2014

    of course, a message right after hitting submit -_O

    @Maureen, I’m glad you did leave – again. He might have really hurt you or your son, and that’s not worth it. Having two parents, with one of them being a violent ape, isn’t going to be better for your son — its better to have one loving parent and loving grandparents and other family instead.

    You might be feeling embarrassed or ashamed, but I don’t really see any reason for you to do so. You’re with your parents, they will always love you and welcome you with open arms — especially when you’re in trouble and need them. Its not your fault that your husband is a neanderthal. You should, instead, forget him/leave him and move on with your life. Insha’Allah, Allah will send you someone much better, or make your path easy being a single parent. You already have your own parents to help — they can babysit, give you advice — many things while you plan what you do from here. It really is better to be safe than to stay with someone like him. Wanting to give him another chance doesn’t say anything bad about you — it just shows that you were willing to look for any good in him. He just doesn’t have any and doesn’t deserve you or your baby.

    Cheer up and look to a brighter future, Insha’Allah, a path will be made clear and easy for you. I’ll definitely keep you in my prayers <3 <3. happy

  • Spirited

    January 20, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    @Maryam, I wanted to welcome you here big grin I like the way you think, it sounds like you’re already at a great mindset. Like Ana said, it seems like men truly don’t follow Allah’s guidelines in most things, let alone polygamy. rolling eyes. To your other question, I personally think polygamy would be easier if the husband didn’t lie about it and at the very LEAST — followed Allah’s guidelines in both how they get themselves another wife (no dates, no talking to women without wali/parents around, definitely no sex before marriage, etc) & choosing someone of the same religion. The situation is especially insane when the idiots decide to marry a non-Muslim, as this can end up turning everyone’s world upside down, yet they only care about their lustful desires. Ah well, they will be getting what is promised to them for their choices when the time comes, Insha’Allah. winking

    @Lisa, welcome aboard as well! I certainly do believe in this place being an excellent support system. Everyone here even helps each other to remember things they may have forgotten about our religion, or realize things they didn’t know, or look at situations in another way. Even if all you need to do is vent your frustrations, it’s all good in the ‘hood. big grin

    @MsA, welcome happy I hope you are able to check back in! So this guy you love is a Pakistani. There’s a topic here titled “Marry a Pakistani? Beware!” and for good reason! laughing These part-time Muslims are incredibly proficient liars and deceivers. You’ve said he told you that he “had” to marry this woman in Pakistan, I’ve heard many such stories in the few months I’ve been here (and even IRL) and that’s all it is — a story. He’s most likely lying to you to make you feel like you’re the special one in his heart and he only married the other woman because he was forced to and he doesn’t care about her. No one can “force” this breed of idiot to do anything they don’t want to. If I was you, I would take the experiences that the majority of women who have married Pakistani men have had and use these experiences to make an informed decision. I would highly suggest going with option #2. You should go your own way and Insha’Allah, you will find someone who truly deserves you. I really recommend reading the topic about Pakistani men or reading some of the women’s posts about being married to the liars. I know that if I had known about how they really are, I would have never agreed to my parents’ arranged marriage from there, even if it is their homeland. You live & learn I suppose. So, if you are willing to put up with lies, deception, disappointment, pig-headedness, a high level of egotism & so on, along with whatever drama and issues the other wife (wives?) will cause, then by all means go ahead. If you want to avoid all this mess, as another lady here once said, “RUN, don’t walk, in the other direction.” (I forget if it was Jenny or Gail, but for sure it was one of you two laughing ). Just my two cents on your situation.

    @Lynnette, we missed you too! I pray the new medication regimen works out well for you, and that you don’t suffer ANY side effects, Insha’Allah! Thank you for your prayers as well, 4 days to go, eek! laughing Please check in whenever you can, let us know how it goes with the new medications. Thanks again for your confidence in me, Insha’Allah I’ll get accepted into at least 1 of the schools I’m applying to. It would truly be a great step forward. If not, I should be able to get into the backup (PA, then go for DO through a PA-to-DO program like you spoke about once!). No matter what, I’m not going to give up on this for sure.

    @Ummof4, thank you for the dua reminder big grin & for your prayers as well. I also wanted to say that you continue to give solid advice to everyone, and I thank you for that because not only do you ease the worries of the new people who ask important questions, but also for everyone else too by reminding us of things or reinforcing what others have said.

    @Ana, laughing I was laughing as I wrote you the email about the errors! I figured I would send it anyway, just in case. I actually didn’t notice the header image was missing, I was too absorbed with wanting to read the latest posts. I wouldn’t have even noticed it if you didn’t point it out, my brain just seemed to put it in there as if nothing was missing laughing. Hopefully all of the issues/upgrade you have to do will be smooth sailing. Good to hear you had another relaxing time with your husband, that’s always nice. Thanks for your prayers big grin My mom was saying, the more prayers behind you, the better it should go, Insha’Allah. I told her that I had some friends’ prayers in addition to hers, she was happy about that. happy

    Let’s see, on my end, nothing new. Studyin’. Husband was at his 2nd wife’s for the first time in almost a month this past weekend. There was a Mendhi (1st of 3 wedding days) for that cousin of mine this past weekend as well, so we (sis, mom & me. it was women only of course) were there. Lots of pictures, dancing…lol one of my older cousins was really tearin’ up the floor with her moves laughing Some of the girls did choreographed stuff, small nieces doing their own thing…the cousin-to-be married’s mother did the cooking, oh man that was hilarious! One of my nieces (18 yr old) came running to me with a wide-eyed look of horror and said “Autie did the cooking O_O” I almost spit my drink in laughter. This niece swears that EVERY time she eats this aunt’s (or..is it great-aunt? anyway…winking cooking, she has terrible diarrhea laughing. I’ve never had THAT happen, but to me her cooking is usually tasteless (and she stayed true to form indeed) winking. The Nikah day is supposed to be on the same day as my test, so guess who isn’t going to that (it’s me!) because my test is another state so there’s no way I’d be back in time. And apparently, no one is invited to the Walima, which is odd — and some of the family relatives are saying the guy is already turning out to be a cheapskate (as the Walima is traditionally arranged by the groom & his family). Of course he’s Pakistani, so I imagine the trademark cheapskate-y behavior will be the least of my cousin’s problems, poor girl.

    Oh, something else that was interesting which I keep forgetting to mention to you ladies! 2 weeks ago, I had one of the most silly dreams I’ve ever had. I made it a point to remember it because it was so unexpected. So it started off with the gang here making house calls to women who were faced with polygamy by adulterous or lying husbands and were suffering from depression, so much so that they couldn’t even bring themselves to talk on the blog or care about anything — pretty much close to suicidal. We would go to these women’s houses and talk with them, give our support, etc. Everyone’s smiling faces, helping hands, open hearts and insightful words would bring the sufferers to tears of joy and give them hope, reminding them about Allah and instilling the desire to become better Muslimahs and really get close to Allah. It was a really great feeling in that dream, as we went around doing this sort of thing. Then we re-visited one woman’s house (it was never just one visit) and as the day came to an end, the lady of the house told us about how she thought her house was haunted. Next thing I know, we’re ghost hunting laughing. We went through a few rooms, catching brief glimpses of ghostly things and then my brain decided “hey just hold on a minute, this isn’t making sense anymore” and I woke up, confusedly staring at the ceiling and trying to piece together what was going on and if I was still asleep or not, rofl. It was a really funny dream, if there was ever a way to record dreams and play them back, I’d send you ladies a copy! laughing

    Well, I guess I should get back to my notes. If I’ve accidentally overlooked anyone, please accept my apologies! =O Goodnight, ladies~

  • Maureen

    January 20, 2014

    Asslamu Alaykum, Ladies,

    I can’t sleep because I can’t put my thoughts to sleep so I thought it might be nice to pop in ‘n say Hi.
    I am not sticking with the topic in here, but I need to vent, today.

    I guess the last time I did share something private with you guys was last September when Mr. Hubs got violent with me. I was 9 months pregnant, then, btw.

    Well, I did leave him after that but got back with him after my son was born.
    Yes, I was stupid. I was dumb to believe he might change now that he is a father ‘n has Elias to care for.
    I was hoping for the impossible. How stupid is that? How naive?
    Well, he did really give me a harsh time during my pregnancy ‘n carried on after Elias was born.

    Lately, we had a fight or more exactly he did push, grab me my wrists ‘n ‘did choke me because he was complaining I wasn’t taking care of the house the proper way ‘n he felt pushed to get violent because I have him ‘the look’ while he was putting me down ‘n screaming at me.
    How come! I should have had better control on my mimic, then, ‘n not give him a reason to lose it. Shame on me!!

    Well, I was holding Elias when he turned on me, on Dec the 26th around 1pm
    Long story short, I did leave, finally, after some heated-up discussions.
    I took my son ‘n packed 2 suitcases ‘n left.

    I know that was the right thing to do but still… I feel lake a loser ‘n I feel so sad, hurt, angry, let down ‘n (ab)used.
    How do I get pass this?
    I am back to live at my parent’s place ‘n looking for a place for my son ‘n I, broke ‘n humiliated.

    How could I have been so blind to love such a damaged guy? What does this say about me?
    I am scared like hell ‘n I feel so sad for my boy to make him live a life with just one parent (me).
    This I soo not fair, but again, I know that it’s the right thing to do for my son ‘n also for me ‘n I am confidant things will get better after some time for Elias ‘n I.
    Yet, it is so hard to be strong ‘n keep going. I want to hurt him so bad.

    Hassbiya Allah wani3ma lwakeel.. Please, Ladies, We (Elias ‘n I) do really need your prayers, du3aa ‘n love.
    I apologize for barging in like that, but I really needed to let it out.
    I haven’t been reading the comments lately ‘n I am way behind so excuse my selfishness, please, Ladies.

    Hugs ‘n Love to you all ‘n have a pleasant night/day.

    M

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    maryam,

    You are correct, Allah tells us what to look for when marrying. He has made it clear for us. The thing is most of these men marry women that entice them. They marry for lust. Besides the fact that they are permitted to marry more than one woman, they don’t consider Islam. They don’t consider what Allah swt says. They don’t consider our example, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). They don’t consider the effects on the existing family that the other would be joining. They don’t care whether the new wife cares about the existing family or not. The new wife and the husband primarily care about themselves. Some foreigners simply want an American wife and want to live the American way. My husband wanted to hook back up with an old flame (someone he dated in the past for 3 years).

    Allah swt says men are permitted more than one wife. It is not meant only for Muslim men. It’s meant for all men on the planet. It’s permitted for them all. The Quran is for all mankind. Only Believers live Islam. Polygamy isn’t anything new. Polygamy has existed dating way back to Prophet Abraham’s (PBUH) times or earlier. I don’t know exactly. I’m not a historian LOL It doesn’t really matter. Men love women. Allah permits them to have four wives. Society with their man-made laws permits them only one. They reject what Allah swt say. Men are left to “cheat” and commit adultery. Some Muslim men say the heck with man-made laws, I’m going to exercise a right Allah swt gave me. Some exercise it for the wrong reason – lust. Consequently, all types of problems arise.

    Now, it’s Magrib time and I have to work on updating the blog. Catch you all later, Insha Allah. If the blog goes down for a while, you know why.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • lisa

    January 20, 2014

    Aslamoalikum sisters it’s heartening and a relief to know I’m not alone. Everyone has a situation of their own.
    My prayers with you all. It’s a support network we all need.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    It is nice to share with like minded sisters.

    Would polygamy be much easier for everyone if the husband chose a sister that would be compatible with his current wife? Perhaps the more similar they are in terms of deen, interests, personality the less problems may arise?

    However is it most husbands may want something diffrrent to his current wife, maybe thats part of the appeal of polygamy, more variety. Maybe the appeal is in marrying a different culture, nationality, age, looks, values, level of practising islam?

    When my husband mentioned polygamy i started thinking what id like in a co-wife. I thought of 2 sisters that i felt could be a good match for both my husband and i, although i still wasnt happy at the idea of polygamy. I appreciate thats a bit wierd for some. Turns out my husband would not consider either of the sisters.

    Cant help but think though husbands would have an easier life if the wives were compatible. And Allah tells us what to look for when marrying, He has made it as clear as possible for us.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    Ummof4, I love you too, my sister. happy

    Hugs to everyone Group Hugging what a blessing to know each and everyone here. You Rock

    Now I have to go buy an upgraded theme for the blog, as the other one is outdated, and causing problems on the server sad

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 20, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ina, I assume that you and your husband have always acknowledged/celebrated your wedding anniversary. If so, remind him of that fact and let him know that he needs to change his honeymoon time that he has planned with his fiancee. If he says he cannot change, that’s not true, anyone can change a flight, cruise, train or any other means of transportation/trip. He may have to pay a fee to change, but that’s his problem, he should have remembered that it was your anniversary.

    If you and your husband have never acknowledged/celebrated your wedding anniversary, then that’s a different story. The anniversary would not be important to him.

    If your husband says that your anniversary is the only time that the two of them can honeymoon, that’s not true either. They may have to postpone it until another time. Not everyone has a honeymoon when they are first married. Many people have it later due to finances or schedules.

    If your husband doesn’t change and realize what he may be doing to how you view him then that is not a good sign. It already seems as if the prospective co-wife is demanding and thinks that she is really special. However, the fact that your husband removed her picture from his facebook page shows that he does regard your feelings as important. Make du’ah that he changes the honeymoon date. I will make du’ah as well, as I’m sure many of the ladies on this blog will do as well.

    Laila, I agree with Ana. A cut pinky is not as big of a deal as you are making it. I understand that you would want your husband’s help when he is at home, but your entire family, get a grip on yourself. What would you do if you lost your hand or your arm? You would learn to use the other hand. Why can’t you shower or comb your hair with a cut pinky? People with broken hands and arms still manage to keep themselves clean. I don’t understand. May Allah grant you quick healing.

    I love all of my Muslim sisters for the sake of Allah. I also love all of my Muslim brothers for the sake of Allah, which includes all of the husbands of us ladies here on the blog.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    Jenny, hello there,

    Thank you much for your take on Gail’s situation. I just finished reading her last post. There doesn’t seem a whole lot she can do. You’re correct about his parents and how he treats them. We are to be kind to our parents. Pakistani’s take it to a higher level though. It’s what they do. He’s going to take very good care of his entire Pakistani family. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? It’s easy for me to say it’s good, as I have no Muslim family to consider. Is he doing any of it, seeking the good pleasure of Allah and because we are to be charitable and take care of others or is it a cultural thing and he hasn’t considered Allah swt at all? Who knows. He’ll have to account to Allah for whatever it is. Bottom line is they (the Pakistani family) will be there with him and Gail, if she remains. I agree with you, Jenny, that Gail appear to be overlooking a lot with regard to the ex-co. The fact that the ex-co doesn’t even reach out to her children that are with Gail speaks volume.

    Gail,

    Do you have any family of your own that you can bond with – that you could take your children and go for visits or have them visit you? It could be a nice relief from your husband and his family on occasion.

    Other than it, it appears you will have to accept your husband and his Pakistani family, as they are. He will continue to take care of them all, as long as he believes he has everything to do with it. You can best believe it will not change. As for ex-co,( I wish you could hear my Italian) FORGET ABOUT IT. If one day, things change, then so be it. God is a doer of what He wills. Looks as though this is your life. What’s the saying from the movie, “Shawshank Redemption”? – “Get busy living or get busy dying.” … Gail, it is what it is.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Speaking of insensitivity, I just read you said he will be away on his honeymoon with her, during your wedding anniversary. It’s insane. Yes, I don’t blame you for letting him know that it is a slap to your face and an affront to you. So what are you saying? Every wedding anniversary you have to remember he was off honeymooning with his other? It’s not looking good. I suggest you begin putting your foot down right off the bat or else you’re doomed. Granted these men don’t have a lot of common sense and it is very apparent from what I know of my husband and the more I read here from others about theirs.

    When my husband first married his other, he let me know he had a business trip that he had to go on. I realized it fell on my days that he would be away. So, I said to him, well, then you’ll be here with me when you return. He said no. I asked, what do you mean; I lose my days? He said, yes. I said, HELL FRIGGIN NO!. You will be here when you return, as I will get my days. No one looses days because you’re not here for them. He was okay with what I said, as he really had no clue what he was doing. He said to me, there isn’t much material on polygamy. I said, yeah, because not many people are doing it. I said if you don’t know what you’re doing, you don’t need to be in it.

    The beginning of living a polygamous life is very trying. Neither the wives, nor the husbands usually have had any experience with it. Everyone is winging it. If you don’t stand up for yourself, you could expect to get walked on and it may or may not be intentional. Make a lot a duah to Allah that he protects you in it and guide you through it. It’s not for the weak at heart cuz you’ll get trampled.

    One time I saw a list of vacations days she gave him to consider. One of the dates was my wedding anniversary. He said to me there was no way he’d vacation with her during his and my wedding anniversary. He said I didn’t have to say anything to him about it, as he knew better.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    I don’t know how you are going to take what I’m about to say. I don’t think I’m being insensitive. I must say it appears you are over reacting to your injury a bit. As serious as you may think your injury is, it’s not all that. Could it be you want sympathy and attention? Our friend here, Billy, was in a serious automobile accident and was laid up in the hospital for a while with a broken something or another. I can’t remember the name of it. Laila, it’s your pinky that was cut. You said you want to have children. How do you think you will endure all the bodily changes you go through and the birthing process? You know if you have children they will at times suffer injuries. How will you cope with it? – especially since your husband won’t be around a lot of the times to help you. Maybe you need to rethink having children. If you can’t deal with a cut pinky how would handle this Injury You better toughen up girl and stop belly aching about much of nothing. Allah could inflict worse upon you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Jazakallsh Ummof4 and Laila,
    I appreciate your comments and it helps me see things from differentbexperiences.

    I feel for you Laila its not nice feeling alone and uncared for especially when you spend time helping and caring about others. A good sister always says to me in hsrd times, e “hold Allahs hand HE never lets go and never leaves you alone”. Alhamdulilah always makes me feel better.

    I have no famiky where i live. Due to death, illness we have somewhat fractured family and i really only have 1 sister i can rely on. It feels bad at times, insecure.

    Inshallah you recover soon.

  • Laila

    January 20, 2014

    Oh yes… Ive even told hubbs that once a year I plan to take a personal holiday to take a short break for myself. He was shocked. he said he’s not agreeing to it. But I think my aunty’s advice is also good at times. We need a break from our marriages / silly husbands. Im in for it 100%. Time I become independant and travel and do my own thing. Things that I like.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    January 20, 2014

    Dear Maryam, after reading your post in regards to maturity… my hubby is 51 and yet I believe that his sensitivity to me and my needs can be ZERO. I can’t shower, can’t comb my hair…. and many other things. I know it’s only four stitches but he’s not shown any concern. I know that if he were to be in such a state I would be so worried. He even had the guts to say, “It’s not serious right, just a small cut”…. This is the idiot mentality that I dislike. But I told him off today, and told him to learn to be more attentive to other people’s needs. Today was an eye opener. I can’t rely on him when im sick. Even my parents didn’t care in the sense they feel I can and able to handle myself. Times like this, things can be so depressing. Im just a curtain in a home. People notice when they wan’t to, other than that, they don’t….

    Yes, the house coud be used as a ‘mahr’…. which in my country is a LOT. No wonder the good wife talk came up. This is ONLY the start to many things to begin…. so sorry sisters if I sound negative, it’s just that I know how things are run from my country…. Sorry Ina but this is the start. For me I just know that she’s quite a job by STILL tagging a picture of herself and her mother. I find that juvenile. You’re JOINING a family and therefore the current wife needs time for adjusting and a bit of sentitivity on the part of the new wife. For many years early in the marriage, many people didn’t even know I was my hubbys second wife. Reason? I knew my co-wife needed time to adjust. It’s not easy. But we need to understand and not get into one’s face.

    Dear sisters, im on loads of pain killers and meds. I am all alone and nursing myself. Thankful Ive got my faithful cat that’s like a son. He keeps sniffing my wound when he thinks im not aware, he probably want’s to see what’s all the fuss is about.

    *Sensitivity is not about being around physically. It’s showing your wife you care. Care here can be in many ways. Calls / texts and really understanding that not everyone can tolerate pain well. It sucks as hell that even my parents didn’t even sort of care. They are worried and just about that. Okay got to stop now. Im just getting a bit emotional. Sorry girls. Nite all. xoxo

    Salam.

  • ummof4

    January 20, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Laila, take care of that finger.

    Spirited, remember to say the du’ah from Qur’aan, “Rabbee zidnee ilman” (My Lord, increase me in knowledge.) as you prepare and during your exam.

    Welcome to the new blog sisters Maryan, Lisa and MsA

    Maryam, I don’t know how many previous posts you have read, but I will attempt to answer your question. I do believe that if a husband is honest with his wife about polygyny, is taking care of his responsibilities as a husband and father and is living Islaam as it should be lived, his wife will have an easier time of accepting polygyny. A good, solid, happy marriage will not crumble if these conditions are present. Of course the wife will go through her changes, but her kind, thoughtful, husband will help her through them.
    If a husband does not have these qualities, polygyny will be a greater source of stress, particularly if the marriage was already troubled.
    I do believe that the husband is the glue that holds a successful polygymous marriage together. However, it also helps if the wives are striving for Jannah as well as the husband and they both keep the fitnah (trouble) to a minimum.

    Lisa, do not think that you are a failure if this second marriage must come to an end. It is not a sin to be divorced or to marry several times. Some people commit the sin of living in oppression in a marriage because they are afraid to get a divorce or someone taught them that divorce was a sin. I agree with others that it sounds like your husband just wanted to have sex with you. Alhamdulillah, you insisted on marriage, all women do not have that strength and have sex outside of marriage. The bottom line is to do what you are comfortable with. It is disturbing to me that your husband said that he sees you as a close friend and not a wife. Do you want to be a close friend or a wife? Only you can make that decision.

    MsA, please do not feel that you owe this man marriage because he introduced you to Islaam. Allah makes Muslims, this man was just used by Allah. Only Allah made you Muslim, not this man. I agree that you should not feel that you have to use this man as your spiritual guide and teacher in Islaam. You are obviously romantically involved with him and it sounds as if you have been intimate (whether hand-holding, kissing, hugging, oral sex or sexual intercourse, they are all intimate, particularly if done in private).
    My advice is as another has already given: Take a break from him and learn Islaam at the masjid or Islamic center. Meet other Muslim sisters. Concentrate more on learning Islaam and becoming closer to Allah. If there are no local classes, take classes online. Remove him from being the center of your universe.
    You say that he will only go home a couple to times and year and spend the rest of the time with you where you are studying. What will happen after he finishes his studies? Will he leave you then? Are you sure you want to be a secret wife, always in the shadows?
    In my opinion, the man does not care about you as much as you think. He proved that by going home and getting married. Please don’t believe that he only did it because his mother asked him to do it. Maybe you love and care about him more than he loves and cares about you. You say that you don’t want to share a husband, if this is true, then don’t marry this man. If you marry him, believe me, you will be sharing a husband.

    Everyone, have a successful day serving Allah.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Im very sorry if iv confused sisters’ stories, just coming to terms with everyone!

    Jazakallah kharan

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Thank you Ana for the welcome.

    You did get me thinking about my assumption that men should be “experts” on polygamy before they enter into it. Or at least expert husbands! However, Allah says no such thing. Thats food for thought for me.

    Ina i meant to say before im pleased your husband listened to you about facebook, its a good sign he will reflect upon things and is trying to be fair, even though he didnt recognise the unfairness to begin with.

    Have you got to the bottom of why you need to sign a document waiving any rights to the malaysian home? Could it be that the home is his Mahr to the fiance and her family are making sure you cant have rights later? Laila, is it likely they would ask for the home as part of the marriage contract?

    Also ina you mentioned he would try to pay you more money in return for you giving up rights to the house. Have you thought any more about that, like asking him to sign a contract with you? It seems they require a legal document but you are meant to settle for a “il try”.

    I think you are very sensible letting your husband know you may not be able to handle polygamy and working, just in case he is planning the future based on your current situation and income.

    One last point, i know we shouldnt run our marriages like a court room quoting every rule abd condition. Love, forgiveness, mercy for the sake of Allah is more important. But when it comes to polygamy or any marriage these need to be discussed early on to minimise assumptions and problems down the track.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    I suppose you’re all wondering where the pic of the woman that was at the top of the page went. I did surprise

    The techs said the uploader for the pic was insecure so they had to disable it. It was the cause of the error messages that we had been receiving. They advised me to contact the theme vendor or developer to secure an installation sigh This should be fun – NOT!

    Insha Allah, Allah will make it easy for me to figure this thing out.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    @Lisa,

    You said a mouthful when you stated, “I pray that Allah shows me the right path and if divorce is going to happen than i must get the strength”; “Lets see how the situation unfolds.”

    I will make duah that Allah swt guides you and gives you the strength to weather a divorce, if divorce is best for you. With regard to His forgiveness, we know Allah is Oft Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    If divorce should become your lot, don’t worry yourself about it. Allah swt says He will provide for all the parties if they must part. He will guide you and see you through it, if you seek His guidance and turn all your attention to Him. Don’t despair of Allah’s soothing Mercy. All will be good! happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    @Lynnette and Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Alhumdulliah, you’re both feeling better. It’s such good news. big grin

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum

    It’s count down Student I’m still making duah you pass with flying colors.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 20, 2014

    Ms A & Maryam, Wa Alaikum As Salaam & Welcome to the 411 happy

    @Maryam,

    Insha Allah, your husband will mature with time LOL. We don’t reach maturity till age 40 anyhow. So, he’s got some time. He may test your patience in the interim. I’ve seen how my husband has matured tremendously over the years. Men are strange creatures. Seems they have NO good sense lol. When it comes to polygamy, many men simply jump head first into it without having a real clue. Then, as you stated, we women end up having to police them or help them figure things out. With anything, we have preconceived notions in our minds about how things will be and it may or may not become a reality.

    Nonetheless, it sounds you and Ms. A have good heads on your shoulders, and have taken a good, close, hard look at what you’re dealing with with your husband and Ms. A with her potential husband.

    @Ms. A,

    You sound to be a really, nice, kind and generous person and stand to gain a lot of barakats (blessings) for sharing your wealth and resources with your friend and his family. Allah says he reward and increase charity manifold. Your relationship with your potential husband sounds a lot like that of me and my wali/bestess whom I’ve been friends with for over 27 years. My life has been so rich and fulfilling with him as my mentor in Islam and my guardian as I have no Muslim family members. Whether you marry your friend or not is something you’ll need to exercise patience with and see what Allah swt has decided for you with regard to it. Eventually it will become clear to you whether your friendship with him will blossom into marriage or you will remain pure, platonic friends and brother and sister-in-faith. You’ve weighed the pros and cons of a marriage to him, so it’s a good beginning.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Lisa,

    Im also on my second marriage so i understand your feelings. Dont let it cloud your judgement too much where that is your main reason for staying.

    I also have a child and also would find a bit of distance fine too if i was in that situatioBut the marriage should be recognised and come with emotional,religious and physical commitment. You should feel like a wife, not a penpal/friend only.

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Sorry one more thing.

    Lying is a very bad quality in a future husband, whether he is lying to you or other people its a big red flag. Especially when the lies are for personal gain, not for any moral reason.

    If you know your potential husband is lying to his current wife, why would you expect him to be honest with you?

  • maryam

    January 20, 2014

    Salam Alaikum all

    Mrs A, if i were you id try spending less with your partner and approach a mosque or muslim womens organisations where you live. That way inshallah you will meet some good Sisters, find out more about islam and be less focused on your partner. It will also help you understand what your rights would be as a wife. Iv always believed Sisters should not rely exclusively on their husbands for islamic info. Just because he may have been muslim longer doesnt mean he knows better than you.

    Lisa i think you deserve better in a marriage especially if you are sad more than you are happy. You are the role model for your daughter (i think thats right and im not confusing ur situation with anotger). Would you be happy if your daughter had a marriage like that? If the answer is no, then why accept it for yourself? Shes watching you and will sense alot.

    Also Lisa long distance txting, calling relationships can go on for years cos they require no real commitment. Its a nice, romantic reprieve from normal life. With the occasional romantic holiday thrown in. If you want more then leave him.

    I sometimes feel men take advantage of reverts cos they know they dont have a muslim family to lay down the law. And generally speaking iv found many “walis” encouraging reverts to marry with much less cpnsideration than if it were their own daughters, sisters.

  • Ms A

    January 20, 2014

    Salam Alaikum Everyone,

    I’m new to this website. After reading some articles from this website, I really appreciate all here to give me knowledge and share your experience.

    I’m here to seek some guidance.

    I met a man from pakistan 3 yrs ago, and I was non-muslim at that time. We became closed friends slowly slowly. Because we were both overseas students in XX country. So we started to help each other and shared life experience, which made us connected to each other.

    During this period, he also introduced me Islam, and I learnt slowly slowly. After 6 months, he went back to Pakistan for holiday. When he came back, I was told that he got married in the vocation by mum’s wish. I was shocked, because we were supposed to get married when I really accept Islam by HEART and revert to Muslim.

    I was crying crying and I tried hard to leave this man, but we both attached deeply to each other, and finally contact to each other again. But this didn’t stop me to learn Islam, I finally revert to Islam. But family still don’t know about my this decision until now. (I’m from a non-muslim country).

    In this 3yrs, I can say I helped him a lot, all of his visa fee and tution fee I was paying. Up until now, I’m supporting our life in this country. Finally i am eligible to apply a permanent visa now, I also take him together in my application. I even send money back to Pakistan for his brother study fee in Pakistan, and EID expense for his families. Of course his family doesn’t know about me at all.

    He is my motivation and courage to struggle in this foreign country. He introduced me Islam which really give me peace and believe in my life, It really change my life.

    He is also very nice to me. Whenever he worked and get money, also never save from me. When I was totally in study without working, he also support my life financially. Whenever I need him, he would appear in front of me. He also has done lots of things on me. He always said I’m the gift Allah send to him. All problems he couldn’t share to his families are shared with me, and we always share different ideas in Life.

    Anyway, he proposed to me and he said want me to be his second wife. He couldn’t divorce his first wife, that’s the commitment to her, her family, his family and Allah most importantly. But he really loves me and wants to marry me. He said he was regret to get married, and his mum also is regret. Because it was in a rush his first marriage, his family now found the girl is not really comparable with him in education ect. But it was commitment to Allah, need to carry forward. I totally agree with this.

    Of course I love this man, he changes my life, especially introduce me to Islam. Of course I’m willing to marry him and share our life in the future if he is still single.

    However, I really can’t imagine to share my husband with any others. I grew up in a ‘one husband one wife’ way. I’m sure my parents won’t accept this, and I’m the only child in my family. I don’t want to disappoint my parents.

    On the other hand, I really care about him. I have done so much for him and his family.

    Now I have only 2 options:
    1) marry to be a second wife, which I need to hide from my parents. And he said he would introduce me to his parents if I agree. But I seems no courage to see the future. I worry his wife his family will against me, I worry his children will hate me and him to destroy his family. I also worry my children can’t have a healthy family. He said he can live with me in this foreign country and visit to Pakistan one two months in a year. But it’s really hard for me to accept how he sleeping with first wife, or how sweet he is talking to his first wife. I still not ready for all of this ‘nightmare’. Maybe I’m not a good muslim, so I still can’t 100% accept this.

    2) give up this marriage, I think I have never married, young, no children, master degree, full-time working, maybe I can get another better man to be the only wife.

    But it’s really hard for me to decide, because we know each other very well, understand each other. He knows my thinking without I saying it. I also think he is my Mr. Right. I think he can guide me well in religious study in my life.

    Brothers and Sisters, Please give me some advice or more experience for sharing a husband. Thank you in advance.

  • Lisa

    January 20, 2014

    Asalmoalikum sisters

    Nice to hear your kind words. It is very helpful to know that I can discuss and get some advice. I do love him as for me he is my second husband and wish if Allah could give him hidayat. I had sought advice before nikah from a scholar locally to find out if it was ok to go ahead since i am a divorcee and dont need a walee. so i went ahead and did the nikah. I also did istekhara before taking this step. I do feel now that for him to get me into bed this was probably the way. At the same time he stays in touch almost daily and shows his concern over things. That confuses me so much. I pray that Allah shows me the right path and if divorce is going to happen than i must get the strength. I know if i ask he will give me but does not want to loose a fool like me who doesnt make any demands on him. I personally dread getting a second divorce as i was fine with the long distance relationship without disturbing my daughter. Lets see how the situation unfolds. Please pray that Allah guides me and forgives me.

  • Laila

    January 20, 2014

    Dear Ina, what a small world we live in, I too am based in Selangor. Im from Perak, came to Selangor and met hubbs and married. Hubbs is from Kelantan, and as the saying goes, the Kelantanese are the worst of the lot! happy They are super clanish and have their own dialect / slang in the language, hubbs and I get along in the sense because we both are clanish! hehehehe…. Okay, Malay men are….. a JOB. Sorry don’t mean to hurt anybody because I too am married to one, but they love to use religion for their own use. I know exactly how you feel when he refuses or doesn’t like talking about money. Mine is the same! happy But guess what, the world we live in a world that runs on that. He pays everything for me, alhamdulilah. But when I want or am a bit too ambitious in my business he gets a bit scared and says, “Please go slow, money isn’t everything!”. Malay men are extremely family orientated, which at times can be a pain. Family oriented in the sense, every joe and jane in the family can ask for money, and you have to “loan” it to them. Mind you these “loans” don’t come back!…. Great isn’t it?

    Another thing, they no matter how good their wives are will have their families whisper to them and say, “A Malay girl is the best”…. When hubby married me, everyone in his side thought he married a Malay woman but was shocked to find out that I am a Punjabi. They feel that I guess the Chinese wife is a horror, so a Malay woman would be a solution to his mistake made years ago….. This is HOW they run their show and think. The reason my in-laws are sort of okay with me is because I can speak good Malay and I can even speak it in their dialect / slang. I was brought up in a Malay ‘kampung’ / village and therefore I know what makes their boat float. Im literally a slave when my in-laws are down. I cook and clean and look into their every need. I think they refuse to visit my co-wife because she doesn’t do all this nonsence. I don’t blame her, who would anyway. But Punjabis are different, we are taught from young that our in-laws are to be respected at all costs. So I can’t help it, Hubbs loves it but sometimes or always am tired when they are around. He’s probably marriying her because of that. We never know. In terms of his fiance….. let me tell you something. I am NOT on my husbands FB account. We argued once in regards about it because he’s got he picture and not mine. I found out by pure chance. After that, I refused to show anybody his picture on my account. Everyone knows Im married but I just don’t bother showing his picture. Ha! Talk about pay back. Ive always put pictures of myself, my cat and my friends. He now feels it. He always asks me to put his picture and I politely refuse. My FB account is MINE and tough s***. So now he got rid of my co-wifes pic too, saying it’s best hes alone in his account. Personally, I don’t give a rats a**.

    How much is he planning to give his fiance later on? Overseas currency is huge here and trust me, she will have a lavish lifestyle. I also know her mum will train her well because your hubbs is from overseas and his money talks volumes. Sorry If I sound cynical but Malays won’t give their daughters as second wives until they see something in it for them as well. They train their daughters to be women who don’t have a say and won’t rock the boat at times. Just follow blindly. To be a better wife? Wow…. The crap that people believe at times. Theres no such thing as better. You are better. You allow your hubbs to remarry, tell me girl, how many women out there would agree to this? The FB stunt shows how stubborn she is. Why is it so important to be part of our spouses FB account? Seriously? …. Put your foot down and tell him yes Jannah is where we all want to go, if Allah s.w.t. will it to be. But in the mean time, be a husband and step up on his game. Another thing, Malay men are very comfortable letting their wives pay and be the bread winner. They don’t have issues to it. I know Punjabi men would die because it’s a slap to them as being a man. happy Be firm and put your foot down. or else more crap will fly. Malay women are also hardcore. I know them inside out. It’s all about the money, nowdays. In Malaysia, especially KL, women are very very materialistic. It’s Gucci or Prada bag, or else, the man can take a hike.

    Dear Spirited, LOVE the song!

    Dear Ruqqya, what you’re doing is good. It’s stupid to not have a basic plan. I know we all can’t really follow it 100% but even talking about it helps a lot. Ure an organized woman by the way I see it happy

    Dear Ana, Im figuring out how to take a shower now sad But Im okay. Had to sleep in a bit, the pain was in early in the morning. Hubbs isn’t around. But Im okay. Got my cat following me around like a security guard happy

    Salam

  • Maryam

    January 19, 2014

    Salam Alaikum everyone,

    I am new to the site also, just recently coming across it. I genuinely mean it when I say my heart goes out to all the ladies here going through emotionally hard experiences.

    I am in monogamy (at this stage), have been married 2 years. Before that I had a meeting with a man to discuss becoming his 2nd wife, but it was obvious during our discussion he hadn’t thought how he would manage having the responsibility of 2 families and whenever I asked about the relationship I would have with his wife he just kept saying how happy his sisters would be with me!!! I turned down his offer because I didn’t trust he was taking his responsibilities seriously enough and I didn’t think he was being fair to his first wife that way, nor to me either. Both this meeting and the one when I was introduced to my husband were organised by other Muslims, I hadn’t met the men independently.

    A year into my marriage we were having troubles and my husband suggested he marry again. he had seen a sister he liked the look of and that was what he was basing his decision on. I didn’t give him my blessing then because he was not providing for me at all at that stage and he is very irresponsible with money, friendships, work relationships, general decision making. I don’t want to be rude but its like being married to a child sometimes. As it turned out this sister turned him down when she found out he was married – he had pretended to be single. As far as I’m aware he isn’t looking, but that isn’t really my issue because its out of my control.

    Anyway we have come a long way since then, both of us improving and showing commitment to our marriage but he is still very immature (in his 30s by the way), reckless with money (which I am now completelÿ responsible for, but he borrows and gets into debt still).

    The reason I’m saying this isn’t to run my husband down but rather to ask, does a woman’s happiness in polygamy depend significantly on how responsibly, fairly and compassionately the husband manages each household and wife? It seems to me the sisters most content on this website are those who have faith in the wày their husbands are managing finances, jealousy, families etc. And those worried, anxious are largely this way because their husbands are either not being fair with time or money or handling the jealousies or problems that can arise between the wives.

    I don’t trust my husband can manage polygamy. He is immature and irresponsible. I can’t see a way that he would deal with the problems that arise. An example is the Facebook photos that were mentioned on this thrread, and the photo of the potential 2nd wife. I think if a husband wants polygamy he should be smart enough and insightful enough to KNOW HIMSELF what is appropriate. I think that is why so many women are struggling with polygamy because they end up in the situation of having to “police” the situation which goes completely against what Allah decrees.

    Anyway, have to go, but nice to meet you all.
    Maryam

  • Lynnette

    January 19, 2014

    Assalamu Alaikum, Dear Sisters.

    I have missed you all, and a lot.

    I am feeling a little bit better, Alhamdulillah. The rheumatologist is changing my entire medication regimen around, and In Shaa Allah, things will improve soon.

    So right now, I am checking in for follow-ups.

    Sister Spirited, May Allah(swt) grant you knowledge from Knowledge as you test. I am sure you know the du’a. I have thought of you often. Your kindness and gentleness will be such a blessing to patients in need.

    <3

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    Thank you much, for welcoming Lisa to the blog. It was kind of you. I share your sentiments with regard Lisa’s situation.

    I’ll be back, Insha Allah.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    Lisa, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    I know you’re going through a whole lot right now, and you are hurting. I’ll try to help out with advice as best I can. It sounds you love your husband, and want the marriage to work; although he only wants to be friends with you now. He wanted to be with you, but didn’t want the marriage. He went along with the marriage, as you let him know it was the only way you would have a relationship with him. So, what should you do now?

    We know you cannot make him do anything. It doesn’t sound like you want a divorce or else you’d ask him for one and most likely he’d grant it. You have to see what Allah swt has determined for you about this situation. You can only leave the marriage when and if Allah decides. Allah swt has the power to make things workout between you and your husband, but your husband would have to want it to work too or otherwise it won’t.

    Do you feel comfortable asking your husband for a divorce, since he only want to be your friend? Do you feel comfortable remaining married to him, knowing most likely you two would be no more than friends, and not expect anything from him?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    January 19, 2014

    @Laila, sorry to hear your freak accident. Hope you get better soon.

    @ Spirited, good luck with your exams.

    @ Lisa, welcome to the blog. It seems to me that this man lied to you when you first met to get you into bed. He does not treat you like a wife…he’s even admitted it to you. So cut your losses now and forget about him. There are better men out there. See this as a lesson learnt…next time do not agree to be a secret wife, no matter what the reasons he gives.

  • Ina

    January 19, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    @ Laila
    Hubby is from Selangor but he has lived in the UK for >20yrs so his thinking is probably different to a lot of malay men. But I would love to hear your views especially since you are similar (in position, age) to my future co-wife.

    I asked hubby to change his facebook cover photo which current shows her sitting next to him with other person at an event. I said that I did not want to say anything about the photo but since learning about her attitude towards photos of me, I think he should change it. After all, the cover photo was always there for everyone to see whereas my photo was in an album and you have to look to find me. If she did not want see photos of his family, she does not have to open the album.
    Alhamdulilah, he changed it.

    I wondered how she would react to this. I had hoped she would understand and do nothing. Hubby told me she has been receiving some good advice from her relatives. Her mother told her she’s go to be 10 times better than me. Well, there is a big difference in receiving good advice and acting on it. She tagged a photo of her and her mother on hubby’s facebook. I guess she wanted to make sure she appeared somewhere on his facebook page. I guess she could have made it worse by tagging a photo of her and hubby together but I think she is also wary about losing him if she went too far.

    I also realised that hubby may be away on honeymoon on the date of our 12th wedding anniversary. How sad is that? He said he will try to change the date…hmmm…we shall see. I feel like giving up, just let them do what they want. How much more can they hurt me?

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    @Marie,

    Everything is good with me. Thank you much for asking happy Alex and I had a nice weekend Alhumdulliah! He just left and Insha Allah, will be back Wednesday. He and I don’t do much. We stay at home and hibernate. He watches his TV, I do the computer thing; we have eats together, chat off and on and then take it easy at the end of the day watch some TV show or DVD/Blu Ray movie together, and get busy hee hee. Maybe that was too much information laughing I’m feeling quite jocular today. We have a very simple life. Occasionally we’ll attend a work affair or meet up with some of his co-workers and wives who we socialize with from time to time – not on a regular. We met up the other day with some of my family members for a quick outing. It was fun.

    Marie, the same as you, when I first became Muslim, I read in books all the good that was in polygamy with regard to the orphans, divorcees, widowers and others. Online I had read the same thing. Then one day, and this was not a very loooong time ago, my wali/bestess asked me why a man has to have a reason for an additional wife? He asked what was the reason he married the first wife? Why does the reason for the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th have to be different? I then began to contemplate it more. I thought about what Allah swt says in the Quran about polygamy, husbands and wives. He says men can have up to four wives; not to marry for lust; not to marry more than one, if he can’t be just in his dealings with orphans. I then read the ayah in which Allah swt said He’d replace the Prophet Muhammad’s wives with virgins and those previously married, if his wives continued to give him problems. Well, I know virgins aren’t widowed and usually aren’t divorcees either. We know one of the Prophet Muhammad’s wives, when he was polygamous, was a virgin. He had some young wives as well as older wives. I mean, I know a man may receive barakats for marrying women such as divorcees, widows or homely, spinster type women. As you stated, all women are in need so to speak. Most women want a husband and the reasons for a husband are the same for all women.

    Marie, the same as you, I think it would make thing much easier if we’re advised from the gate that a man can have more than one wife because Allah says so. End of story. My oh my. At least we realize the simplicity of it all, now. LOL

    If was only after writing to Laila that I realized how I was hurting myself in thinking or caring about what “C” does and says. She wasn’t hurting me. I was. The same thing with her trying to take my days. It didn’t happen, so why did I let myself get so bent out of shape about it for so long? Did I not really, truly believe that Allah swt would protect me and that her plan would get her nothing good? Wow, all these years of being Muslim and at times I feel as though I haven’t progressed very far. sigh It is what it is, and couldn’t be anything else.

    Marie, I don’t know about your husband and his friend. All we know about it is that Allah swt has a plan. It may work out good for you, if he just go ahead and marry her or marry a nicer person. I could see Alex being married to his ex-wife and we’d all get along very nicely. She’s a different person now. Age has a tendency to mellow some people. I’ve discussed it with him briefly. He doesn’t want to marry her or anyone else. This polygamy thing was an eye opener for him.

    Good taking with you, Marie. I enjoyed it.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 19, 2014

    Ana & Jenny,

    Ana you pretty much summed it up.I know u ladies mean well I truly do but it goes very very deep for me.I don’t have to rehash everything but i will give a quick rundown so I can put it into perspective maybe a little bit more clearly.This is a typical chat between my husband and I.

    Gail… Babe I don’t like living joint family life.

    Hubby… you have two choices either deal it or I will move with them to another home.

    Gail…. So you would leave your family to live with your parents in another home.

    Hubby…. Yes they are my family to

    Gail…. So I see the heck with my feelings or my way of wanting to live my life.

    Hubby…. I can’t leave my parents.

    Gail…. Why you putting all your families immigration to come to USA

    Hubby…. they are my brothers and sisters I have to help them.

    Gail……Do u have any idea how insulting this is to me as your wife knowing that you and your family hid cowife from me all these years and now u all want to reap benefit from me.I am not the goose that lays golden eggs.I feel insulted by this.

    Hubby…..Just leave it I am getting angry you always are insulted.

    Gail… No I just don’t like being used.

    Hubby…. Just leave it

    Gail…. Let me ask you this why is your family getting all benefits out of our marriage but not cowife?If anyone should immigrate to USA it should be her because she sat and waited on you a decade to get your citizenship.

    Hubby…. Her mother and her stabbed me in the back and I don’t trust her.

    Gail…. Well if u did not trust her then why on earth did you tell me you were not going to divorce her and have me try polygamy?Your mom told you before hand that cowife was acting up yet when I asked u clear if u would divorce her u told me NO.

    Hubby…. Well I didn’t know her and her mom was acting up that bad.

    Gail… Yeah you did because your mom told you and you obviously did not care if it was torture for me.

    Hubby….. Just leave it I am getting angry

    Ladies that is just one conversation being played over and over again the last 2 yrs. and it all has to do with I do not think he is or has been honest to this day about the entire situation concerning cowife or myself.Bottom line I do not accept his family as people I want to live my life around as they were part of the scheme.So that leaves me angry and upset and feeling like my life is not my own to live in peace.How can a person let something go when it is staring them in the face 24/7 like my inlaws.I find peace when they leave but when they are here living with us during season I am in Hell.I get tension just knowing they will be back.Also I should mention that my husband mentioned to his GF for a lack of a better word to call her that he would NEVER bring me back to Pakistan again.After I read that I just lost all feelings toward my inlaws because he implied I was a real B!tch in Pakistan.Also I would like to say I do not feel part of his family.Honestly I always felt on the outside looking in at him and his family I was never part of the family understand because they were keeping cowife.She came and went freely from their home to her family home in the village and of course my husbands sister was married in my cowife family.So although my inlaws live with me I do not feel part of my husbands family and never have.
    Now this brings me to our children.I want help he can’t seem to manage to fix this problem either so again it is just my problem to deal.My point is on every single issue in my marriage when I ask my husband to fix the problem or come up with a workable solution he can’t.This can no longer be an option for me.I am sick to death of sweeping problems under the rug so to speak.
    I am just perplexed and really at the end of my rope.It is just not about my cowife it is on every issue.

  • Jenny

    January 19, 2014

    @ Ana,

    Spa day was LOVELY!!! Just as I predicted there was an office full of people when I got back. Hubby was laying down with the kiddies while they took their nap ~ like that’s an excuse! happy

    Gail may want an American marriage, but it is not going to happen. I don’t even have an American marriage. The thing is (and I know the Muslim ladies aren’t going to like what I say here), but Gail needed to be in charge of her home long ago. There can only be one alpha dog in the house. It doesn’t matter if it is the man or the woman, it should be the person who fits the description. I wish I could be the damsel who gets to stay home and have a man that takes care of me, but I long ago realized that is not me. Even though Gail is the one who should be running the show, it is too late for that to happen.

    So, what she has to do is accept. She cannot change her husband, nor can she change the situation in Pakistan. Even though she knows the Pakistani ways, she doesn’t know them all ~ from their perspective. Gail needs to accept that her husband’s cousin isn’t coming back. For that she should be grateful as the Lord is protecting her from a hundred different ways of grief. Perhaps Gail has forgotten this woman poisoned her and could have given a rat’s ass if she died! She also needs to read back a few years ago when she was telling us the children said she was a very bad person. Whyyyyyyy would anyone want a bad person around their children???? Gail needs to understand this woman was NOT innocent. The cousin knew exactly what the game was when she let her husband loose ~ her greed was her G-d. G-d laughed and allowed her to dig her own grave. Let her lie in it. If

    As far as how her husband treats his parents, that is another rock she has to swallow. Give him that one and get her pound of his flesh another way. Holy Cow! In the scheme of life is it really THAT important if he pays for his parents internet? If she had a husband who didn’t respect his parents, wouldn’t that be a bad thing as it would be likely he would respect her too?

    Yes, most Pakistani men tend to ignore their wives. I guess I’m the exception to that rule because my husband and I work together 24/7. We are always in each other’s face. Maybe she and her husband need to get in each other’s face a little more. Instead of each driving their own ice cream trucks, they need to go to auctions together and building their fortune ~ except, this time Gail lays the law down first ~ she controls the money and things are in her name alone. Just like me.

    I don’t want to make what I say come out bad, but I am just going to say it ~ she needs to lay the law down with her husband. She needs to tell her husband what she expects from him. To think a Pakistani man is going to remember an anniversary or Valentine’s Day??? Not a chance! She has to tell him what she expects from him. When we married, my husband had no idea in hell what an anniversary was. I had to tell him. I can assure you the first one he missed was his last! happy

  • marie

    January 19, 2014

    Asalaamu alaykum all

    @Ana, how rude of me to burst in suggest how to interpret quran and not even ask how you are, how are you? I hope you enjoyed your weekend with Alex, I can’t remember the last time I climbed back into bed with hubz without there being a few kids following me lol. I was about to write a response to our earlier conversation about the ayat in the quran, then stopped and thought you’ve probably had enough people come on to the blog and send emails going over the same things, so I decided against it. The blogs about polygamy so I’ll get back to that.

    Soo I was asked by someone why a Muslim man can have more than one wife, my reply was, to help woman in need, orphans etc I went through the benefits and reasons why it work’s. I remember asking the same question when I was new to Islam and got the same answer, so I thought I was safe, I can have children, fulfil my responsibilitys, there’s plenty of believing men for the be living woman so yes I thought I was safe. I think this is one of the reasons why I found the prospect of polygamy so tough, as far as I know the reason a Muslim man can have more than one wife is because Allah said so, I think it would have been easier for me to be told that in a lecture and then to go through the benefits of polygamy. I think that is what this blog does, highlights the benefits for the woman who fit into the “I’m safe” category, just because a woman can have children, is not a orphan, divorced etc doesn’t mean they can’t benefit, so much so that sometimes I think I could do with a Co ( a nice one of course) so alhamdulilah for polygamy 411 ( big smile). I also wanted to say I’m the same with others validating me. I love to hear people’s opinion on me, I beginning to see its not important what anyone else thinks. I used to ask my husband things like give me 3 thing’s you like and 3 things you don’t like about me, his answer was ” is this a trick question ” lol

    @ laila ooh that sounds painful, Insha’allah you little pinky will heal quickly.

    @ Gail, my earlier comment with no name was for you. I would like to add that iv learnt to just deal with my husbands unbelievable loyalty to his family, I starting to see it as a good thing he is doing rather than his family members just taking him for a ride ( a free one lol) he not blind to there behaviour but sees it all as good deeds I never told him not to be soooo charitable to them and I don’t want him to stop helping them but I do point out how irresponsible they are. I did mention it to him that I felt they always come first, since he has been more attentive to me. Alhamdulilah

    Much salaams to all X

  • Lisa

    January 19, 2014

    Aslamoalikum Sisters I .am in a dilemma. i was divorced and got married as a secret wife to a guy already living with his family in a different country.he promised me frequent visits. now after two years we met twice only although regular contact on phone and email is there. recently he told me he takes me as a very close friend and does not believe in nikah as I would not have agreed to have a relationship just like that and for my sake he went for nikah. it is not what he told me earlier. im so upset. I was happy with the long distance relationship as I have a 11 years old daughter and dont want to disturb her. He doesnt send me any money but has paid for a couple of major expenses. also for my recent trip when we met. im so disappointed that i made a bad decision yet again. Please advice.

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You are so funny Yellow Laughing You were right. I just checked my email and found yours from 2 day ago. LOL I think the problem with the blog has been resolved; although, I haven’t heard back from the techs. There’s something about me and checking emails. Even when I was out in the workforce I was remiss in checking them.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    It’s a feel good day Super Happy Dance

    Alhumdulliah!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Laila, Ouch! Glad it was not more serious than it was. Alhumdulliah, you’re not missing a finger. What’s the saying, “If it’s not one thing, it’s another.” It’s all good! Insha Allah, check in with us after you get some rest.

    @Jenny,

    I hope you had a good spa day. Jenny, I was wondering what your take on Gail’s situation is besides that she should work on her marriage. From what I read from Gail, I gather her problems are:

    Her husband has made his Pakistani family priority. He takes care of all his Pakistani family’s needs. Gail feels or thinks she and her children are getting second best and sacrificing at his Pakistani family’s expense.

    She wants her ex-co back as part of their family, but her husband flat out refuses.

    Gail would like to have a traditional American way of life/marriage with a more attentive husband

    How would she have a successful marriage despite the cultural differences?

    @Gail,

    Please correct me if I’m wrong, have left anything out or added something that shouldn’t be there about your story.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 19, 2014

    Dear all.. i just got home from the hospital. Had a freak accident and cut my pinky finger. Had to go through 4 stitches. It was painful! Literally died. Nite ladies….. 😟

  • Jenny

    January 19, 2014

    Glad the posting problems are fixed!

    @ Gail,

    I thought about the problem with your husband and my brain went into a cramp. I’m afraid the time has come and gone to fix that problem. I do have similar problems with my mother and have resolved that I will pay for her living too. Just view it as a Mitzah. I read in a Jewish book why there were poor people in the world. The answer is to save those with money from gehenna (hell). Also the rule of charity is to give it, not make sure it used in a specific manner. For example, think of supporting them as a mitzvah, giving them charity. It doesn’t matter if they need it or not.

    It’s okay that your focusing on your business, but you cannot ignore your marriage. Nothing good will come out of it and it will only be the kids hurting. Ignoring it will only cause it to die. If your in this marriage, your in it for a pound, you might as well have happiness!

    I promise that you will find happiness with your husband. You just have to let it all go! Is it. Really that important in the scheme of things that you pay for their internet?make him suck it up another way.i have an entire list of things that annoy the sh@t out of my husband and I lovingly do them when I swallow a lump for him. It works well.

    Love and marriage is about give and take. Save your battles for one you can win, like moving to New York and going to auctions with Jenny! happy

    I’m doing my every other Sunday ritual. Having breakfast in the funky coffee shop I talk about, then off to the spa.the green market is going on outside, so after the spa, I will be doing some shopping. Hubby has set an appointment for someone this afternoon. As usual, I’ll be late because he should know not to infringe on my spa day. When I do come in, he’ll know I’m doing it for him with kindness and I’ll take it out on him, such as dinner at Wolf and Lamb tonight! laughing. See how easy you can spin it? Why get upset with what you cannot change? I’ve been doing spa day since we got married and every time, he tries to infringe or make plans for me. I stopped yelling at him and now turn the tables on him and it works beautifully!

    Ok, I got to go and get waxed, painted, fluffed and buffed!

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    @Marie, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s good to hear from you and I pray all is good with the new little addition. happy

    Yes, I hear you that there are some Christians who do not accept Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a Prophet and there are some Jewish people who do not accept Prophet Jesus (Isa) (PBUH) as a Prophet. There are some Jewish people who do not accept Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a Prophet either. There are Many Christians who only accept Prophet Jesus (PBUH) as a Prophet or as a “Son of God” There are some Jews who only accept Prophet Moses (PBUH) as a Prophet. There are many, many Muslims who do not accept any of the Prophets besides Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) as a Prophet.The list can go on.

    No, the Ayat (more than one) were not directed at the Christians and Jews. They were directed at all of mankind – every human being. The Quran is for ALL MANKIND and ALL TIMES. In the Quran Allah swt tells EVERYONE not to differentiate between ANY of the Prophets, not to make any distinction between any of them. Granted, some were given different gifts than others. It has nothing to do with recognizing them all as Allah’s Prophets and respecting them as such. Allah swt tells us that ALL of His prophets are our examples. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is the same as all the other Prophets mentioned in the Holy and anyone who makes a distinction between him and the others disobey Allah swt.

    http://polygamy411.com/what-we-need-to-know-for-a-peaceful-and-tranquil-polygamous-life/

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • marie

    January 19, 2014

    Sorry hit submit by mistake.

    Anyhoo, hubz is not very happy about his first born getting married so soon, but he knows it’s better they are not sining.

    @ laila yes sometimes things that are said on the blog can seem like a direct attack, it happens to me sometimes. I think it’s just our own insecurity, I know how you feel about just getting on with your own life and forgetting about everyone else’s, our purpose in this life is to worship Allah, so as long as we’re doing that were all good.

    @ it’s funny cause my hubz is not Pakistani but some things you say about how your husband is with his family are just so similar. My husband is the most loyal person you could ever meet and I think his family (especially his cousin and sister) just take the absolute p@ss. I wish I could be more like him and not let it bother me as he know he could get many rewards for his patients and kindness to them. But they really do need to grow up and start acting like adults and not teenagers. Anyway your new business sounds really exciting, I watch the odd TV show when people buy old buildings, do them up and sell them on its really cool.

    @ Ana, I think the ayat you mentioned about not distinguishing between the prophets was aimed at the christian and Jewish people as the Christians deny Muhammed and the Jewish people deny Isa. Also the ayat mentions the books, angel etc and that all the prophets believed this and so must the true believers. Furthermore in surah 2 ayat 253 Allah says he some prophets gifts that he never gave to others and others he raised to degree of honour. Allah knows best

    If I ever remember the rest of what I was going to say I’ll post later Insha’allah. Maybe I should get a note pad and write down my thoughts as I read the comments.

    Much salaams to all the lovely ladies

  • marie

    January 19, 2014

    Asalaamu alaykum all

    Morning all (it’s morning time for me). It’s so weird, I read the comments, have all these things I want to say, then as soon as I begin to write poof I can’t remember a thing I wanted to say. Marsha’allah.

    Well I come across some text message that hubz sent to “othet” had to point out that the smileys seem flirty and he may be giving the wrong impression. he said he was just trying to be nice so she wouldn’t flip out. Well he listened and no more smilys.
    Ok so hubz found out his oldest daughter had been texting a boy (she’s 16) he told her she has to be married before she can have a relationship with a boy and he had better come talk to him (hubz) to ask to marry you or leave you alone, hubz was thinking that would scare him off, well the boy wants to marry her

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    He’s getting down with the get down hee hee I make my own self laugh sometimes laughing

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Must come on in.

  • ana

    January 19, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    No worries. It’s all good. I’m beginning to see things differently now after writing to you. I mentioned the many good characteristic you have and I know I have many too. So, why do we care about what the others think of us? I said you shouldn’t need her to validate you. I should not need “C” to validate me either. So, she says “I’m a stupid fool”. Why should what she thinks of me matter? Your other says you have a meaningless life because you have no children. Why should you care what she thinks? You know good and darn well that your life has meaning and you know your husband loves you, married you and remains with you. What should be most important and foremost to us is what Allah swt thinks of us and whether He loves us. We want Allah to love us, provide for us, protect us and everything else He promises us. What is less important is our husband’s love. Everything comes from Allah and our husbands are only a vehicle to deliver whatever we get. I, therefore, think that from this point forward, Insha Allah, you and I will not care about what our husbands’ others think or say about us. We don’t need them to validate who and what we are. We both have been way foolish, giving either of them the time of day.

    If Allah swt wants things to change between them and us, He will make it happen. If they come to us, wanting peace, we should be peaceful. If they show us that they are not sincere, then we put up our guard again and proceed accordingly. Regardless, we need to investigate, as Allah swt says INVESTIGATE. I don’t think we should put ourselves out there without knowing fully what and who we are dealing with. Someone once stated on the blog that when someone shows us who they are, we need to believe them. Let us get a good fresh start, Sis Laila happy

    Now, Insha Allah, I’m going to go climb into bed with Alex and call it a night until Fajr prayer, which for me will be in a few hours.

    Dancing Kitten

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 19, 2014

    Dear Ana, I think ure right. I was a bit sensitive about the whole alcohol thing. I think I still haven’t “de-stressed” yet….. I owe you and everyone an apology. Sorry girls. Just have had so much negativity on my plate. Dear Kim and Aishah…. my Raja / King at home will never tolerate a new addition. The last time I rescued a kitten I thought he would warm up to her and be partners. He just hissed and went mad with anger and jealousy. In short he got himself into a high fever and I had to find a new home for the kitten! 😔 My boy just wont share…..

  • Laila

    January 18, 2014

    Dear Gail, as an Asian I use anti ageing serums a lot. Im 32 and now the awareness to look good and take care of myself is higher. I also use a day cream n eye puffiness cream. I am a real good girl when it comes to my regiment which is daily. Im using an American product that does wonders, Exuviance. I also use a relaxing face mask weekly. Its used to brighten my skin tone. Its called Oriental Princess from Thailand. I stopped using brands like Clinique, it just doesnt work.

    Salam.

  • Jenny

    January 18, 2014

    @ Gail,

    I’ve heard those chemical peels are bad for your skin and complexion. I have a very simple routine and I get compliments about my skin. I may be a lot of things, but old looking isn’t one of them. I use Australian Scent products. No water in them and only organic ingredients you can pronounce. I use at morning and at bedtime. Then I buy African organic blocks of pure shea butter and I use that in addition to the Australian Scent in the day. I slather that shea butter all over me! I’ll be 47 in August and no more wrinkles. I did have a few, but they are gone now.

    I tried posting a couple of times but was kicked off. Going to submit this then I’ll talk again later!

  • Gail

    January 18, 2014

    Ana,
    Thanks for the advice about skin care and I will research it more although I did order 15% TCA today from Walgreens.I just love the way my face looks after the treatment and I am going to do my hands also.I just am really unsure about a doing this back to back long term so i will read on it more.
    As for my husband I am certain u are correct but I am totally at peace and happy.It is true he frustrates and when I look at him think about him or anything I just gets these bad vibes.I am tired of the bad vibes thats all.I am so excited about starting my business.I am starting back to work in a feb.and I will be actually driving my own truck separate than the business so I can use all that money to buy real estate.This is the first time in my life that I feel so excited and positive when looking down my financial road.I am not rich nor poor just middle class but I am excited to grab alot of properties and dive deep into working.I am not dwelling on my husband or my marriage anymore.I just feel like that is beating a dead horse.I agree with you that his family in pakistan comes first and that is ok with me now that I have figured that out.For me it is like seeing the truth and that is very liberating and makes me excited to see what is next for my life.

  • Gail

    January 18, 2014

    KA126,
    I also you in myself as well as Kim.I am struggling with my own marriage right now as we speak because of my excowife.I feel like I just can not get past the wrong that was done.I am not blaming anyone but it is the way i feel.For the life of me I have tried and tried to get closure but it just eludes me.I am so much in fear for you not for now the present but for the future when it will hit you hard that you have a divided family.You maybe different than me and it not disturb u on such a deep level as it has me since you feel your husband has been morally and ethically right.In my case my husband was not and as much as he tries to sweep everything aside and tell me it is to much of a mess etc.It just sits so d@mn wrong with me.In my case my children will never get to see their biological mother ever.Those bonds have been severed because of this insanity.Also something that really really hit me the wrong way was that he could not even give me her number so I or he could call to tell her we are thinking about her when her father died a dew months ago.There is something very twisted and sick and something I don’t care to continue to be party to.
    I want to say my excowife is not anywhere near a saint and is down right selfish the same as your coco is but I feel like that is between her and Allah/G.D her mental attitude the same as I will have to answer for my own.I just can not see myself in stooping down to her level and making matters worse.For a short a time I did stoop down to her level and I was so miserable at that point I decided it is so much better to try to be a peacemaker.I tried to be a peacemaker but my husband wanted nothing to do with it.I am perplexed at this time in my life how to make my family life healthy and happy.I feel we are a disfunctional family at this point and it is a very very sad feeling for me.

  • ana

    January 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    In case anyone was experiencing a data connection problem today that “Spirited” referred to yesterday, I contacted the hosting company to make them aware of the problem. I experienced the problem again today. I’m hopeful they will resolve the issue.

    Dear Gail,

    Your husband could simply be giving up. He knows you are unhappy and he thinks there is nothing he can do to please you. He could be at his wits end, which is why he says do what you want or need to do. Probably the best thing you could do is work your business, and use the money for you and your children. It’s apparent his Pakistani family is priority for him.

    About chemical peels, I don’t mess around with anything like it simply because I have very sensitive skin. I’m glad I became aware of the problems Brazilian wax can cause. I had been dying to try it, but saw something on TV about how it damaged someone’s public areas – scarred it. It was all I had to see to determine it’s not for me.

    Gail, I suggest you do your research online and checkout everything about the peel thoroughly before you get deep in anything like it. The best chemical peel for me was being in the sun on a tropical Island and getting sunburn. I peeled and the skin on my hands were beautiful afterwards. I know it’s not something someone would want to do on a regular, as it would damage the skin.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 18, 2014

    Laila,
    I will be honest my husband and I both drink Wine and mix drinks on Shabbat and when we go out to dinner sometimes.We don’t do this weekly and not even monthly to be honest but whenever we feel like having a glass or a mix drink we do and we really enjoy it.I personally do not like the taste of beer as I get this mental picture of what urine would taste like cold.lol A cold beer does nothing for me personally.Other than that I really don’t have a strong desire for alcohol because it makes my face flush also.Years ago I use to be a real stickler and say NO ALCOHOL period but this last year I have lightened up a bit.I don’t know if u have read the studies about the effects of Red wine and the health benefits of drinking a glass a day.I remember reading it is heart healthy in moderation.

  • Gail

    January 18, 2014

    Everyone,
    Do any of u ladies use TCA Chemical peels for anti aging?I have used TCA in the past a couple of time with wonderful results but I have never kept it going like I should have now I am thinking to keep using TCA peels long term and was curious if any of u ladies also use Chemical Peels.

  • Gail

    January 18, 2014

    Kim,
    I am sorry yes I meant that post for you.I am thinking about u alot lately and wondering how u are getting along.I am dealing my own small saga here as well.Hubby is totally gone his way and I am kinda doing the same.He told me last night I am free as a bird to do what I want as in leave.lol I told him YEAH I know thinking this is USA not Pakistan so TALK TO THE HAND.(I didn’t say that but was thinking it because it came across as pretty arrogant) lol
    I am alot like you in the fact I am just ready to get on with my life and dedicate myself to my new business.

  • Kim

    January 18, 2014

    Salaams Aishah,

    Aw, I love kitties. We got Leo last summer and I thought it was going to be pretty interesting since we have a big old black lab, but they took to each other pretty quickly. Leo was pouncing on my feet all night his first night with us.

    Then Skye came along in early September. What a difference. She was hissing, spitting, arched back, wide eyed psycho, bottle-brush tail, freaking OUT for days. She hated everyone – Leo, me, my boys, but especially the dog. I wondered if she’d ever acclimate when days went by of the same type of antisocial behavior. But she did come around and now is the biggest lovey-dovey attention ho you can imagine. Even with the dog LOL….they cuddle together now happy

    Enjoy your new kitty, and insha Allah co’s kitty will adjust as well happy

  • Aishah2014

    January 18, 2014

    salaams I think I have to interject a funny one.and I must say I can get prety oversensitive…!well hub decide to give in to kids asking for kitten ( we already have. a 2 year old cat and everyone promises to do stuff but I’m the one caring for it so was no great hurry for me to get another.before he got it I said not every female really wants you to bring home a playmate ( giggling here).when they were getting it I texted him for what supplies we need and to get our old cat a new toy and give her enough attention, so she doesn’t feel she is being replaced by new kitten.its her territory.well guess what he showed up with two, ( one will go over other house but we had to babysit it overnight till he get supplies) so he dropped them and ran off to Co.it was a hissing. house ( kept them seperate) and the kids were trying to give our cat a hard time for hissing growling not welcoming the young kittens that were dropped into her predictable life……

  • Kim

    January 18, 2014

    @ Gail, hi there happy

    I think you meant that comment for me about congrats on my divorce, though you didn’t address me by name. To answer the question, M is not living with me nor with my ex-co. He’s living with his co-workers, reportedly in a very beautiful house that belongs to the owner of the restaurant (he’s got mega bucks). The owner owns another home and travels to India a lot, so he had the guys move into the vacant one.

    No idea what’s going on with M and N at the present time. Seems like a lot of cat and mouse games, but I’m not worrying about it. Maybe they’ll actually get back together now that our divorce is final.

    @Ana, the reason mine went through so fast is because we filed jointly, called a joint summary petition, which certain couples can do IF they have no kids together and assets/debts amounting to less than a certain amount, and were married less than 8 years. This means no attorneys, no summons, no court. The petition indicates that we agree on all issues of property division, whose debt is whose, etc. They estimated it would take about a month, and it ended up being one day shy of a month from start to finish.

    I have to say it was a little surreal….I’ve been checking the county’s public records website periodically since we filed and it always said “open”. Yesterday it said “closed”, so I opened the case file and there it was, Summary Dissolution approved, and judgment entered and filed. I haven’t gotten the decree in the mail yet but I imagine it’ll be here today or Tuesday.

  • ana

    January 18, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to all,

    Dear Laila and Everyone,

    First, I need to say, I don’t think I’ve come across anyone on this blog who makes fun of someone here about the use of their grammar or spelling mistakes unless it was an error that was comical and we all joked about it, including the author. Some have made mistakes that made us hilarious. I said something one day in error that was one of the funnies thing. ummof4 brought it to my attention and I was hysterical about it. I remember Gail had said something here in error, as well. She caught it and Gail and we all cracked up about it. When those types of mistakes are made, it’s the only time anyone laughs or have fun with someone about the error. I have said a number of times here that no one cares about anyone’s grammar, punctuation etc., as it’s not what we’re about here. We simply want everyone to write and get their point across however they do it. Many of us are way too critical about our writings here, including me, which I’d love to let go and just write, leave it, and move on instead of feeling a need to have to go back and make a correction.

    Laila, about your husband drinking 2 or 3 glasses of wine, I don’t think not a one person here thinks or thought him to be an “alcoholic”. I simply was trying to point out to you to leave him alone, as Allah determines who will do what, how, when and where. I also felt it a good time to point out that, despite what the masses say, it is not said in the Quran that alcohol is FORBIDDEN. He points out that it is something that has some good in it and a good deal of bad, as well. The bad outweighs the good. It is something to be eschewed. About “forbidden”, He let Adam know the fruit from a certain tree was forbidden. He lets us know fornication and adultery is forbidden. He let us know that swine, the drinking of blood that flows from an animal, dead meat (for example meat of an animal that was found dead on the side of the road) is forbidden to eat. He is clear on what is forbidden. Forbidden means it’s totally not allowed, shun means avoid, stay away from, abstain from.

    We all should know that many times Allah swt says one thing and the masses change it, just like MANY Muslims believe the punishment for adultery is stoning or death. It clearly is not. Allah says flogging is. There have been women put to death because they were raped and reported it. The only people it appeared were being stoned were women. It’s the same with alcohol. It’s out there that it is forbidden, when there are serious warnings against its use. I’m not advocating that anyone drink alcohol. I’m simply stating Truth. It’s the same with the ayah which addresses men being permitted to have four wives, but if he can’t be just (with the orphans) only one. They’ve twisted it to mean he can’t be just (which is said in another ayah) so Allah really means he should only marry one. Allah swt doesn’t beat around the bush, twist things up, use riddles or tries to confuse us. He lets us know directly what is what. We get the ones who say Allah hates divorce when there is absolutely no indication anywhere in the Quran that Allah swt hates divorce. It appears to be a ploy to keep women in marriages whether the marriage is good or bad. We’ve had someone come to the blog and put an avatar up of a burkah wearing woman and say, “This is what a Muslim woman is supposed to look like” rolling eyes. You can’t make this stuff up silly

    I think what Spirited wrote in her last post also indicates how messed up the Muslim community is in that there are still people who kill female infants. I read one of the ayat yesterday morning about the Day of Judgment and what will be asked of the females who were killed.

    “When the female (infant), buried alive, is questioned – for what crime she was killed;” Quran, Surah 81, Ayah 8.

    Spirited, very nice post by the way happy I especially liked what you wrote about arrogance. It was a good reminder for ME.

    It’s interesting about the scams many Muslims are pulling on one another. When Spirited mentioned it, it wasn’t the first time I’ve heard it.

    I don’t come here to the blog basing anything I say on one single Ayah. On the other hand, I’ve had someone send me a comment that pertains only to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). She stated the Ayah says to obey the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and it’s why I’m supposed to get with the Hadiths. Yet, she didn’t give the Ayat from the Holy Quran that speak of Prophet Abraham (PBUH), Prophet Noah (PBUH), Prophet Jesus (PBUH), Prophet Moses (PBUH) and all the many other Prophets, whom their people were commanded to obey when they were alive. The ayat are in there. Where are the Hadiths for all the other Prophets whom Allah swt tells us not to differentiate between?

    Anyhow, back to you Laila, I think you’re being a bit overly sensitive. As I said, I doubt anyone thought anything bad about your husband based on you saying he takes a drink now and again.

    Gee Whiz, are we all going mad on this blog? Goodness, gracious alive!!!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 18, 2014

    Dear all, please maybe ive jumped the gun a bit. But just for the record, hubbs isn’t an alcoholic. He just loves red wine and has a few glasses every now and then. Other than that, hes a good man. Hes got his flaws, we all do. So would appreciate that there is no indirect statement towards alcoholism. We are here to support one another. Not make jokes at other peoples expense. Ive noticed even when other sisters share, some crack indirect jokes or hint about grammar and spelling mistakes. Or worse, at their issues. Lets not get catty, we are surely better than that, LOL.

    Salam.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2014

    Congrats on your divorce.I think u are on a new path that will be much better in the long run for you.I am hoping for your best life.How is your exhubby taking it.Is he now living at your excowife home or is he still living in your Apt.

  • KA126

    January 17, 2014

    I pray all are doing well in their neck of the woods and are keeping warm.

    @Ummof4 and @Ruqayya,

    No problem, I understand how everone feels about this situation. Subhana Allah It is a touchy subject. I don’t condone divorcing someone when they are pregnant. I do wish he would have waited. I have resigned to the fact that Allah Subhana wa ta’ala decreed it. Habibi hasn’t talked about it again since he told me, but I know that he is going through a Wakil to send her support. Irregardless of how I feel about it, at least he has been trying to follow the Sunnah to deal with the situation. That is the only bright in this situation.

    @Gail,
    I wish I could call and talk to my CoCo, however, if you remember, I tried reaching out to her a couple of months ago. I called and we set up a lunch with all the kids. But when I got there the next day, she claimed that she wasn’t hungry. I know that was a huge problem between them once Habibi found out she basically stood me up. Since then I haven’t brought her up but they have been having issues, I just never asked and he never volunteered. Even before they found out about the pregnancy. So whatever animosity she has, I am sure it has tripled now and I don’t feel like having my heart broken again. I can just imagine how she is feeling right now and that is enough heart break for now. I’m sure me calling her would seem like putting salt into the wound. I am not ignorant to the fact that she is scared, mourning, angry and disappointed right now and she may be blaming me. May Allah Subhana wa ta’ala ease her pain. I will continue to make duas for both of them.

    The only advice I have for him and everyone I speak to is: Do not make permanent decisions based on temporary emotions. I think this situation is a great example of making decisions on temporary emotions.

    @Kim, I will continue to make duas for your successful transition into your new life. I admire your strength.

    BTW… as of March 1st we are moving to Habibi’s house. I am renting my house out and will stop doing so much travelling. I look forward to spending more time with the kids and really getting into my Arabic studies. I met the CEO of this company on the airplane and he has asked me to come to his company for a visit with Habibi tagging along. Just booked the flights today and I am looking forward to the mini vacation with him. Our first trip together in sha Allah. happy Plus, I can’t wait to see what Allah Subhana wa ta’ala has placed in the heart of the CEO to offer me career-wise.

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    @Spirited, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Thank you much for the heads up on the blog malfunction. I appreciate it much. Sometimes I don’t know there’s something wrong on the blog, until one of you tell me.

    I encountered the problem several times today, too. I went to restart the server, but my hosting company website was down as well. I, therefore, realized there must have been a problem with the hosting companies main server.

    Now, I’ve got to go back and finish reading you, Insha Allah. Good you’re back with us, Spirited.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Spirited

    January 17, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    Ana, maybe its just on my end, but I’ve had a few “database error” messages come up when I’ve tried loading the blog sometimes. Odd. Anyway, seems to be just fine now, it was probably a hiccup over the internet.

    @Laila, yep lol you’ve been having some eventful weeks, and I’ve been doing a combination of slacking off & studying, with a pinch of worrying about this-and-that. So we haven’t spoken directly to each other for a while. I missed hearing from you too! I also miss Lynnette, but she must be pretty busy as well. Sorry to hear that stuff has been odd in your neck of the woods lately sad I pray that you continue to keep your happy spirit and keep what matters more in sight. Its been a little hard for me to do that myself, but I’m trudging along, taking it one day at a time happy. At this point, I guess you’ve got the right idea, to stop concerning yourself with your husband’s other family & just focus on yours. As long as your relationship with him is good, you need not let extra things bother you, right? Oh, I’m sure your parents really appreciate your help, and you must be earning many good deeds in Allah’s eyes, so keep it up! big grin But remember one thing! Even if your brothers don’t do much (as they should be doing), and they aren’t grateful, don’t rub it in their faces because Allah may take away the reward for the good you are doing. Its fine to be irritated, that would be a normal reaction (in my opinion) but don’t be arrogant to them about how much you are doing, because Allah doesn’t like arrogance. happy

    Yep, respect for a husband is important, but way too easy lose. They don’t even seem to realize it because of their selfishness — this is for the husbands who expect each wife to bring in the money for her house and he can go and have his fun with what he makes. Its just an example of the “pick-and-choose religion” that some Muslims engage in. rolling eyes Oh well, you point it out and move on.

    @Ina, welcome (I think I haven’t had a chance to welcome you yet!). To be honest, it really looks like the other ladies have already nailed all the solid advice so far, I really have nothing worthwhile to add! I hope being on this blog helps you as much as it has helped me.

    @Gail, I think your decision is a smart one. Its like I think when people pressure me to divorce my husband, “why should I be the one to give up when we still love each other & its perfectly possible to have a decent life?” In the same way, why should you have to give up your house & your way of life? I’m sure you’ll make it work, and who knows, your in-laws might move out on their own. Besides, you know the age-old thing about how in-laws always cause problems, that’s nothing new laughing Keep your spirits up!

    @Kim, Insha’Allah, all will go well with your move! Thanks for keeping us updated, it sounds like you’re really happy and excited about this new chapter. All the best going forward, and you’ll be in my prayers as usual happy Check in whenever you can please big grin

    Ummof4 and everyone who has prayed for my upcoming test (about a week to go), Thank You for your dua, and please continue to pray for me to do well enough to get in to the schools I will be applying to. The score range I’m aiming for isn’t out of my reach, I hope the prayers will give me that bit of extra luck to easily reach it. winking. Other than that, nothing much has been happening here for the time being. I’ve had a few offers to buy my car, but I’ve had more people that were obviously scammers than actual people interested. Its so sad to see how little you can trust humans these days. I often think back to the Muslims of the “old days.” They used to be trustworthy, honest, and fair people. My parents say, back when they were young in Pakistan, you would go shopping and specifically look to find a shopkeeper who kept a beard because this was a practicing Muslim and he wouldn’t scam you. These days, you have to AVOID the shopkeepers who keep a beard because they will be the most crooked sellers of all at the shopping plazas. Its sad how people use distinctly Muslim traits to corrupt the name of Muslims everywhere.

    Something else I’ve been thinking about is how Allah will test everyone with different things. We here are trying to help each other with the test of polygamy. An interesting reminder of different tests just came up today too. An older cousin of mine is monogamous, 4 children, nice house, and with an absolute jerk for a husband. Just today, he told her that our grandmother raised her poorly (she was raised by our now-deceased grandmother). He said, a woman’s purpose is only to have children, keep the house clean & cook. He then took any money she had & cut up the credit cards in her possession and left the house. =/ We had just come back from Jumma when my sister told everyone that my cousin had called when we were away, scared and crying, and wanting to talk to my mom (who she sees as a 2nd mother). Of course we were all concerned, and we don’t know all the details, but my cousin had asked my sister to not let anyone call because her husband might be back home & she will call “when it is safe.” My husband was still upset about it when I was seeing him off for his night shift, and looked at me with a very serious face and said he has never and would never hurt me or threaten me, besides the adultery-to-marriage, which he is working to be forgiven from Allah for. Always interesting to see what kinds of things others are tested with. Another older cousin has 2 children, the boy being autistic, not mildly, but a more advanced kind and very difficult to handle & yet, she never complains. An uncle, who had claimed that he would have his wife abort any child that was female, was given twins — a boy & girl, which he couldn’t have aborted without harming the precious son — and Allah also saw fit to give the boy autism (although less severe than the other nephew I mentioned) and the girl is normal — he now thanks Allah for his daughter.

    Everyone has their tests. You see what you’re made of by facing them & Allah doesn’t give you any test you can’t overcome. There’s a song that I like to listen to sometimes, it’s fun, happy and reminds me to keep going in any difficult situation. It even manages to capture some of the feelings I felt back in August/Sept. of last year when my husband revealed his cheating & lying, lol! If I could share a few lines from it here for you ladies, maybe you’ll like the message as well (translated — the original is not in English):

    Sever all the pain, from memories plagued in vain,
    Stop the endless woe you’ve come to know.
    Find your heart and soul,
    Break through every wall until you reach your goal.
    …..
    I don’t know how I’ll get through by myself with my heart in a daze
    The birds beside me soar away into an endless sky
    Will they find, with their free spirits, the light at the end of this maze? [of life]
    Please wait! I want to fly with you
    Let me on your back, to look for my soul
    All the pain, that haunts me to this day will vanish…
    If I just reach up higher, I’ll find what I desire, I’ll never tire, ’till I
    Sever all the pain, from memories plagued in vain,
    and stop the endless woe, I’ve come to know!
    Find my heart and soul,
    Break through every wall until I reach my goal!
    —-

    Well, I’ll probably be going to sleep in an hour, I’m still having a tough time getting enough sleep and I end up with my brain in a fog all day. Hopefully it won’t be like that on test day, Insha’Allah! Yikes, that would be pretty bad laughing. Talk to you ladies again~

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    @u235sentinel, Hello

    Wow, I didn’t know you are right there in Utah where the happenings are. Utah is absolutely beautiful from what I’ve heard. Alex was there just a few months or so ago on business. He has some nice pics. There are so many places that I haven’t been that I would love to go. I’d like to see the Grand Canyon, as well.

    I didn’t know until recently that polygamy was a crime in Utah. They should have known that one wasn’t going to fly. I guess they thought no one would challenge the law. You’re right though – decriminalization is a good step towards legalization. We’ve got to start someplace.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    @Kim, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    Wow, it was the quickest legal divorce I’ve heard of; although Alex’s divorce from his wife before I met him was very quick, as well. They parted on friendly terms, and are still friends till this day. Sometimes I think what it would be like, if she was my co-wife. She and I already have his last name LOL. Anyhow, it’s just wishful thinking. I like that she ALWAYS can entertain an intellectual conversation and about Islam too.

    Kim, I know you have mixed feelings about the divorce. You and he were married a long time and you both loved each other. Insha Allah, just focus on your move and your new life now. Keep it moving, as best you can. Remember Allah swt much, so He can remember you.

    I’m sooooo excited for you. It’s good to get a fresh start. I understand you will be quite busy. Stop in whenever you get a moment, even if it’s only to say hello and let us know you are okay.

    @Ali, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    It’s been a long, looong time since you’ve written on the blog. There was another Ali here not very long ago. We may have to distinguish between the two of you, if you both begin to write at the same time. Good to here from you again. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ali

    January 17, 2014

    ASA

    Allah states in Qur’an that He tests His servants with good and evil…It may be a test for His servants who drinks alcohol…I suggest we only speak the TRUTH on this blog and the TRUTH is in the Qur’an…The TRUTH is not what we think or feel…If you want to give advice, give from Qur’an Allah states in Qur’an whatever betide you, seek only Allah’s help with patient, perseverance and prayer.

    All affairs return to Allah for a decision…Learn to accept Allah’s decision whatever it may be that is the road to paradise!

    ASA

  • Kim

    January 17, 2014

    SAY, not see!!! ACK! I give up. Time to go watch a movie or something tongue

  • Kim

    January 17, 2014

    Wow, my grammar just went poof. I meant to see M and I are legally divorced as of yesterday. Sheesh!

  • Kim

    January 17, 2014

    Hi Ladies, just popping in for a minute…I might be a little more MIA for awhile as I get prepared for my move to WI…lots to do to get ready!

    Just wanted to let you all know that my and M are legally divorced as of yesterday. It’s a little bittersweet, I’ll be honest. A little sad that it ended up like this, but Allah knows best. He decreed it this way, and thus it shall be. New chapter in life is opening and insha Allah, it’ll be a great one happy

    I didn’t know about that distinction re: alcohol and pork. Interesting, Ana! I haven’t had a drink in a very long time – never did like it much, though a glass of wine now and then was okay, or a cold beer on a hot summer day, but typically I felt the hangover before I felt the buzz. No chance for me to end up an alcoholic that way…lol….

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    Anyhow, ummof4, we concur that only Allah swt can cause a person to stop drinking alcohol. So, Laila, Insha Allah, just let your husband be. Let Allah deal with it. Allah determined your husband will drink it, and will determine when and if he stops.

    End of discussion.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    I’ve read all the Ayat in the Quran about alcohol and they say the bad in alcohol outweighs the good; to shun and eschew alcohol so one may prosper; it is an machination of Satan’s handiwork. No ayah in the Holy Quran says alcohol is FORBIDDEN as it is says about swine. There are warnings against alcohol, but it is not forbidden.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 17, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    The drinking of alcohol is forbidden in Islaam in the Qur’aan and in the hadeeths. It is important to not take one ayah out of context when reading and interpreting the Qur’aan. I do not want to start a debate on alcohol and intoxicants, but alcohol is FORBIDDEN to drink for Muslims. But as with many things that are forbidden, Muslims do it anyway. Only Allah can help people overcome bad habits.

  • ana

    January 17, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    All is good. No worries. As ummof4 said, sometimes something one says to us touches a nerve and we lets loose. I think it’s what I did. I guess I related to your co in that my husband’s other (who knows nothing about Islam and doesn’t have much if any intelligence) accused me a number of times of using Islam, being hypocritical and all that crazy stuff. I don’t know your co, so I could be wrong in defending her or could be right i dont know Not to say that you are anything like my husbands other – on the contrary,you are very much not like her at all. If you read my last previous post to you, I said what I thought of you – young, beautiful, intelligent, business savvy).

    For me, everything I say here on this blog, I try to live it the best I can. I don’t paint myself out to be a sinless, perfect person with an ideal life. It is not me, is not who I am and is not what I am. Furthermore, I don’t have an ideal life. I let people here know the real me. When I do jacked up, screwed up things, I don’t conceal it from anyone here to keep up any type of appearance. There are some people who think if a person is not “perfect” and doing everything that Allah instructs us in the Quran then we have no right to speak the Truth. Well, I guess no one would speak about Islam then. Allah swt does tell us not to tell others to do what we don’t do. I can’t recall having done such a thing here.

    Nonetheless, it’s behind us. It’s time to move on. Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we know what the reason is and we learn from it and move forward. Sometimes we don’t know the reason(s) and we still have to move forward.

    Laila, I hope all went well with your brother and his eye doctor appointment. I pray you’re doing better too, with regard the bruising and any pain you’re in. Try to take it easy. With regard to your husband praying, just let him keep seeing you do it and, if you feel comfortable with it ask him to lead you in prayer. About him drinking alcohol, I think you said he drinks a couple of glasses of wine a day, I’d suggest just leave him alone. Despite what many believe,drinking alcohol is not a haram like eating pork. Allah swt tells us in the Quran that there is some good in alcohol, but the bad outweighs the good. Alcohol is a tool of Satan. Alcohol is something to avoid and shun, if we want to prosper. Some of the reasons are that it prevents us from offering our salats, as we can’t offer salat in an intoxicated state. It may cause contention among people, fights and argument. It may cause people to spend their hard earned coin on alcohol and neglect responsibilities. The list goes on. I’m sure many could think of problems drinking alcohol can cause. I’d just let him be, if I were you. Only Allah swt can cause him to stop drinking it when He sees fit. Nonetheless, alcohol is not something FORBIDDEN to drink the way some want to make it out to be.

    Anyhow, Alex is off today. He got with me yesterday and, Insha Allah, will be with me till Sunday afternoon. Insha Allah, we’ll just relax, chill, take it easy, watch some DVD and be happy go lucky Happy Love Heart

    Oh, Laila, I would loooove for us to live near each other. I could see myself being really good friends with you. You’re a really cool person. happy Oh, well, it’s almost time for Asr prayer. I better run.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 17, 2014

    Dear Ummof4, I think everyone’s nerves were hit by some statements made today. I hope I have not hurt anybody here. That isn’t my agenda or objective. I come here because I need to share and I find that everyone’s input here is good. It’s good to see things from a different perspective and to also evaluate MYSELF as a human / woman. Ive been doing some deep thinking, I think Ive said it in my earlier posts as well. Yes, she’s miserable that Ive married her husband. Guess what? …. He lied to me and said he was divorced. So, in so many ways…. after Ive invested my feelings did the cat get out of the bag. Something bad happened and he blurted out the truth…. Ive been very miserable for so many years Ummof4, Ive been carrying so much baggage. I know, I would have hurt her too. Im not perfect. But honestly, I think God places us in so many situations that we just don’t want to be in, and we try to avoid it at all costs. Yet it happens! Ive always envisioned my marriage to be with a man and not with another woman. Ive always wanted to have a grand wedding reception, I even had ideas of a garden themed wedding….. And to marry someone in such a low key situation can really break your heart. You love the man but at the same time, in some insane manner you wish it wasn’t set in such a situation. I wanted to be part of her life, but not NOW. I’ve realized some people need more time I guess. But I need to put a stop to all this drama and therefore avoiding her is the best for all parties.

    Ive been hurt many times over. Today it was good that I went out and attended to my brother. It took my mind off things. Tonight is the start to my new life….. Its 1.30 am on my side. I am not going to keep track of schedules / dates anymore. I think when a man loves you he will know and understand where he stands in terms of his responsibilites towards us / me. I know he loves me but I am sort of letting go of certain things. I need to shift my focus from him to ME. My goals / needs / wants in life / person that I want to be. Ive always believed in love. I believe love overcomes a lot of challenges. And, im letting love take over from now onwards. Im not going to remind him to replace my days. He can come home at any time of the day as long as he’s home. I’ll call when necessary only even when he’s at work. Maybe I sound immature, I don’t know. But right now, at this very stage of my life, I would call it, boarding the train. Boarding the train to my self-developments and achieving my goals and needs. If he loves me enough, he will board the next train and come look for me. We can never force anyone to love us or want us. Maybe thanx to all the tensions I felt insecure. She always reminded me that Im just a ‘second wife’…. not the ‘first’.

    It’s amazing at how God almighty tests us. HE tests us in every way possible, till we I think are ready to throw in the towel. In my case Im not throwing the towel yet, but Im just taking a short break. A break to get to know myself better and see what I’m made out off.

    Ummof4, my late father-in-law was a very very learned man in our religion. However, I never had the chance to meet him or my late-mother in law. My mother in law knew about me actually. She told him to do the right thing and marry me. She told him that Im someone’s daughter and that it’s not right in Islam. You’re right. His marriage was a messed up way before he met me. In fact, they initiated a divorce. They were already at the point of meeting up lawyers and getting matters finalized. I guess he married me to clean up his mess, or he loves me. I don’t know anymore. All this drama has certainly messed me up.

    Im not responsible for his spirituality and awareness. I know he prays but not consistent. He fasts and gives sadakah. But still drinks and stuff. But he’s a good man. He provides for all of us. I always ask him when he’s going to stop drinking all together. He never has an answer. He just at times goofs around and says, when I give birth. Times like this Im motivated to pop out a baby and tell him to STOP.

    Time to say good bye to my old life and jump into the new and better life. happy

    I know she’s hurt too. But my hubby always tells me that we wished all of us could be a family. He always tells me that he fears that when he dies, we all would be fighting. That’s his nightmare. He wants his kids to meet me up and get to know me. But right now….. No. I’m not ready for anything / anyone right now. Too much was said. All I know is, no matter how sweet and patient a person is, if you keep doing mean and juvenile things, a most patient person can surely snap. I know that when I snap I can really put stuff out. So the best is to walk away. Today as I was on my own, I was thinking, how liberating. I can do my own thing without my husband around. In fact he was the one calling non-stop. I’m ready to board that train Ummof4, hopefully this becomes the start to better years to come and a better me. Insyaallah!

    Dear Ana, If Ive hurt you in any way…. sorry sister ….. If you were staying near me or in my neighbourhood, I would make you a good cup of masala tea and superb lunch. Im getting way better at my cooking skills happy

    *My prayer to everyone here?…. Is that we find the happiness and contentment that we are looking for, and that Allah s.w.t. G-D grants us all peace and better levels of understanding, sensitivity, and we become the best that we can ever be.

    Salam.

  • ummof4

    January 17, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Laila, I am impressed at the growth you have experienced and shown with your behavior. You have the correct destination in mind – Jannah. As long as you have a regular schedule with your husband and he is fulfilling his responsibilities to you, that is what is most important in your marriage. Make sure you fulfill your responsibilities towards him as a wife.
    I am sure you know that we cannot change other people, we can only work on changing ourselves. However, Our Creator Allah can change hearts. Just as Allah changed your heart to accept Islam and now to be on a mission to practice it better every day, Allah can change the heart and actions of your co-wife. We can all make du’ah for that.

    To everyone, when a woman is married to her husband for a long time and he marries someone else (particularly someone much younger) it is quite a test for her. If the marriage was already full of problems, this action will only increase the problems. The first (in date only) wife will often lash out at the new wife, even if the new wife is as sweet as sweet can be and no problem at all except for time sharing. Lashing out at a stranger or someone who is more distant is safer than lashing out at a husband whose love and affection is still needed and desired. This is often misplaced anger, now there may be no hope of fixing a troubled marriage now that the husband has a new wife.

    On the other hand, when a marriage is stable and happy ( a marriage can be stable with misery and dislike) for the husband and wife (not just for one of them) and they communicate well, the adjustment is easier (not a bed of roses, just easier). The first wife feels secure in her marriage and knows that nothing can shake the foundation. The husband feels the same and will not allow his new wife to do or say anything mean or nasty to the first wife. He will also not allow his first wife to say or do anything mean or nasty to the new wife. The ground rules are laid out and the husband will be in control. Yes, ladies I mean the man is in control. Being in control of a situation does not mean injustice or abuse, it just means there can only be one captain of a ship.

    Men sometimes feel that marrying a second wife will fix the problems in his present marriage. That does not happen, the problems will still exist or become worse.

    Ladies, a reminder. According to the rules of Islaam, a man and a woman are not supposed to go on unchaperoned dates or be alone with each other before they are married, regardless of how old they are. Even if a Muslim man is planning to marry a non-Muslim woman, he is still obliged to follow the laws of Islaam. Please remind ourselves, our husbands, our children and others of this fact. It may prevent severe problems in the future if people just followed the simple rules.

  • ummof4

    January 17, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Ina, this is not a good sign. Ask your husband to take the picture of the other woman off his facebook page. That’s the least he can do for you. They are not even married yet, so why is her picture on there anyway? I will make du’ah for your husband. He is clearly infatuated with the other woman and is ready to do whatever he can to please her so she will marry him. You should make du’ah for your husband too; ask Allah to make your husband the man he is supposed to be. Wives should not make demands on their husbands, and women who are not even wives yet have no rights at all to make demands.

    My advice to you is to concentrate on yourself and your relationship with Allah. Sincerely ask Allah for relief and he will give it to you. Also, please hold your husband responsible for your support. But it may take time, because he is used to you supporting the family. Remind him of what is in the Qur’aan about men being the protectors and maintainers of women.

    Ladies, please advise women before they get married not to pay the household bills. We have seen time and time again that when that happens and the husbands get comfortable with the situation, may of them feel that they have the funds to support another wife. And they do, because their present wives have allowed them to live bill-free or almost bill-free. It’s much easier to start off with the husband paying the household bills, than waiting until he wants to marry another wife to demand the right to financial maintenance of the family.

    One more note ladies, if you have children of any age over 3, and your husband is planning to marry another wife, do your best to hide your stress from your children. They will pick up on their mother’s feelings and it may cause them stress as well. Once the second marriage becomes closer to becoming a reality, but before it happens, the husband/father should let the children know what is happening and that he is planning on marrying another wife. This is his job, not the mother’s. The children also will need assurance that their father is not deserting them for another family.

    May Allah help us all to be deserving of His Love and Mercy.

  • Laila

    January 17, 2014

    Dear Ina, im typing from my phone and im waiting for my brothers check up. Can i know from which state your husband comes from? Yes we are similar as I too am married to a Malay. You can say that im an expert in the Malay culture and the way they operate. Reason? I was brought up from young in a Malay background and im married to one. Maybe i can help by giving u an input on how they run their show.

    Salam

  • Gail

    January 17, 2014

    KA126,
    I Want to be very clear here,I was in no way attacking you personally however I was attacking your husband.I do not feel that u need to defend your husband for his behavior.The fact is he did what he did and I totally agree with Ana her that u can not expect your cowife to just come to USA and embrace everything.Now listen this might sting a little bit here but remember you were having a pretty hard time with her living in the home if I remember correctly.I think u said she was coming into your room taking some stuff.I totally get where u are coming from and I had that happen to me in Pakistan with my husbands sister they would take what they wanted etc. and I felt like it was a form of stealing because they never brought the stuff back or ate my USA foods.
    My point is tensions were high between u and your coco so she ended up leaving if I am correct.Was your coco right in her choice to leave I don’t know but the fact is she did and the fact was she was in tension and you were contributing to that tension however slightly it was.I want to be clear I am not blaming you at all it is just part of polygamy and settling into the lifestyle.I feel all three of u have not really given it a fair chance.Polygamy takes time not 6 months or a year.Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get it right.Looking back at my own situation I can see that now.Also I am curious have u tried to reach out to your cowife for lets say Sh!ts and giggles and call her and ask her out to lunch and talk to her and see if u to ladies could reach a solution.Ana says u must have Islam in common to have common ground.In your case you do have Islam in common.Look they are getting divorced anyway so why not at least figure out what is really eating her and get to the bottom of this mess.I am telling u these things because I been there and done that and feel horrible that I did not stand up for my cowife when sh!t hit the fan.Now in saying all this it is very obvious your husband can not handle this mess.One last thing people do not act out for no reason.Something is eating her deeply.Yes it is true she might just want u and your kids out of the picture period the end or it could be that she thought that it was ok he had you when she was in Africa and he was here in USA.To be screwing one person instead of multiple people may have made her relaxed in her mind and less tension.She might have thought that when she came to USA he would dump you when she was there full time.Whatever her reasons are reality has hit her hard in the face this last year and instead of your husband trying to understand this and embrace her and secure her he has somehow managed to drive a wedge between him and her is my sincere thinking.
    Girl I have been in your shoes I know u care about your cowife to some degree but do u care about her enough to step up for her and get all details from your husband and try for a solution now their is the real question of the day?You husband may say no like my husband did but I am telling u from experience over and over again your husband is not innocent in this mess.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2014

    Ina,
    I am sorry but u better get ready for a war to be frank.I do not see any peace for you in this situation and I will tell u why.Your husband should have manned up and told her to knock off and accept reality for what it is.What u have witnessed is the first sign that girl is not really going to accept polygamy or at the very least is going to struggle with it.If she is asking him to take your pics of FB then u better get ready after they are married for her tone to change from Asking to demanding.If she is way younger than you then I am left wondering if this is a sexual thing with your husband for this other woman.I only mention this in the fact that he won’t leave her and u are going to be dealing with a woman who may very well try to make your life hell.I am sorry to hear this because it is not fun and it really really sucks and it really is your husbands fault and shows very clearly as far as I am concerned that he don’t need to be practicing polygamy if he doesn’t have b@lls to stand up and explain to her she must accept polygamy.I am again perplexed why on earth is she messing with a married man when she clearly clearly wants her own man.Think about that ok.It is not good.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2014

    Laila,
    I could just kiss you.I totally feel the same way.I have recently realized that I have a G.D given right to be happy and live my life peaceful.I have decided I will not disturb my husband in the future EVERRR about his parents.I am done and completely over it BUT that does not mean that I have to live his life.Oh my what a sweet liberation this has been for me.I do not feel like I have to tell him my deepest secrets because well I seriously know he don’t give a crap.LOL I have decided for now I am going to focus on my new business and my IceCream Business and concentrate on getting healthier and enjoying my new life.I will not leave my home because I own my own property and I will not demand my husband make his parents get their own place but I am going to change and make everyone responsible for their own food and preparing it.I will distance myself this season and see how it goes.

  • Gail

    January 17, 2014

    Felicia,
    You are so sweet to go into detail about you and your husbands personal affairs.I really felt myself in your story and your struggles.In you case I can totally see how u were ok with helping your MIL since she was a widow with small children and your husband being the oldest.In my case my husband is not the oldest son he is the second oldest son and all but one 30 yr old brother is married.My inlaws own real estate galore in Pakistan so they are in know way shape or form poor although they act like they are.I don’t hate my inlaws but at the same time I am so over them living with us and taking up our lives.
    I don’t blame anyone it is just the nature of the beast of marrying a Pakistani Guy I think.

  • Laila

    January 16, 2014

    Dear Ana, Im just about to take my oldest brother to the eye clinic. My parents for the first time in their lives bailed out on him. Well, they are having their own jihad too I guess. Yes you’re right, It’s been years that I finally embraced Islam. But Ive converted waybearlier and way already praying from day one, but I wasn’t consistent. I was not relying on any religious teacher, I was just buying books and stuff and reading on my own. The reason I converted was because of my dream that Ive experienced twice; me facing the Kaabah, all covered up and the rest bowing down. The second time when I had the dream, when I woke up, I just knew it was my calling and I didn’t go to work. I just got dressed and went and converted immediately.

    Yes, when I first came to the blog I was spiteful. Ana when she first got to know about me, she made me life hell. I reached out to her and I was ready to be the younger sister to the family. She first accepted but then chnaged her mind and then attacked me. She took pictures of me and my hubby having dinner and threatened to show them to my students at my school. She hired a private investigator and got my parents phone numbers. She even went to the extent to tell my hubby that shes getting gangsters to beat me up. All this time, I just kept quiet because that’s what hubby has told me to do. I cried a lot due to the stress. After we got married and he told her, more hell took place. I actually had to resign because of her antics. I also had to resign because many at my work place couldn’t take that I’d converted and made my life pure hell. I also wanted to have a stable time schedule spent with my husband. I never divulged any of this on the blog because I know how it may look like to some. Now that my second brother is backing me upu and he’s a lawyer, she’s piped down a bit. He even told my hubby that if she ever sends men to hurt me, he will drag her to court and make her life hell eventhough both my hubby and my second brother have a very good relationship. Hubby himself understands and has said he’s agreed.

    Im not saying im better Ana. Ive tried to reach out to her. Ive been way quiet in the past. When there was no schedule and the kids needed him I gave in countless times. Im not here to make her look like a monster eventhough she can be one at times. Im now fighting back because Ive just had about enough! This drama and threats and statements has to stop! ….. I view life in such a way that yes it’s full of ups and downs, but it doesnt’t have to be at the mercy of another man / woman. Its mine, Im the pilot and I determine where is my destination. My destination? To be a better Muslim / To be a better wife / To be a better daughter and sister / To enter jannah.

    Apologize if I came out as rude. Please excuse me sister.

    Salam.

  • Ruqayya

    January 16, 2014

    @Ina, men are like that. My own called me selfish because I said I like my bank account separate and HE chose to give me access to his. I do not horde money from him, I buy him clothes or contribute where I see fit. I even plan on contributing for a limited time in the near future.. but if I were to say anything about polygamy I’m making the halal haram apparently even when he realises later my concerns are real.
    Sad he isn’t man enough to realise that his infatuation with her will get him no where but fitnah if she cannot even tolerate you as his wife now. Maybe bring it up to him in a calm manner and let him know (before they marry) that you will support him in marrying someone else who can better accept you as his wife rather than someone who seems to only want monogamy but is ‘accepting’ polygamy just for him. Tell him you make duaa for him (and do it) that if he gives up her because of her disregard for you that Allah replaces her with someone better. It is not fair to dictate what he can and cannot do with you if what he is doing is halal, nor is it fair to limit money to your family in order for him to marry again. Does not matter if you were a millionare or not.

  • ana

    January 16, 2014

    Mumof3, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, Welcome to our little blog haven. Forgive me for taking so long to say hello. I’m so happy you have been reading us, and took time to write in. It’s nice having you here. Insha Allah, join the discussion anytime you feel like jumping in. I know it’s a little tense here right now. It just burns me up when a wife gives up her time with her husband; gives up some of her husband’s money; and deals with her husband sleeping with another woman, only to be accused of being the “wicked witch of the West” or something the equivalent because the newcomer can’t get everything she wants. No one realizes how many Muslim women out of the 1.6 billion Muslims in the world refuse to have anything to do with polygamy, and refuse to allow their husbands to marry others. There are many men who will not marry another, if their wives say they would divorce them if they did. This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 16, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You asked, “Is this a sign of things to come? I really hope not.”

    Look, Ina, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck!!!

    She’s not even married to him, but asked him to delete photos of you from his Facebook account. She doesn’t want to know you exist. I’m dealing with one of those now. She’s not joining a family. She wants to be the one and only family. She wants to take over; it sounds to me. Instead of him manning up and telling her straight, NO!!! I won’t delete the photos and leaves them there, he tries to oblige her by deceiving her into thinking he removed them. What will she demand next?

    Ina, you best get ready for a bumpy ride. Many of these women don’t want anything to do with sharing. They want it all.

    Your husband says money isn’t important; only Jannah is. Then why don’t he just fork over the money to you then? Why don’t he wait to get another wife when he gets to Jannah/Paradise? Sounds like he wants you to worry about Jannah while he worry about getting his right now.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 16, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    We all need to seek refuge from Shaytaan on a daily basis and we do it at least five times a day in our salah.
    KA126, I don’t believe that we are in deep trouble with fitnah. Sometimes what is said touches a nerve with one or more of the sisters on the blog, and they just have to let loose. I don’t believe that the blog sisters are attacking your husband or you, they are just thinking about what it is like to be pregnant and getting a divorce.

    Laila, I agree with Ana, studying Islaam and memorizing Qur’aan should bring one closer to Allah and improve the character of the person. It does that for those who are sincere. There are others who study and don’t get a lot out of it.

    There are three levels of learning in my opinion.
    1Gaining information – this is just facts and figures. Allah refers to the deaf dumb and blind in the Qur’aan. This is how someone can know a ton of information about Islaam but never takes a shahaadah.
    2. Turning the information into knowledge – The individual with information begins to apply the information memorized into everyday life. The individual who is Muslim learns Islaam and uses the information to change his/her life for the better.
    3. Using the knowledge with wisdom – The individual has learned through life experiences the best way to apply the knowledge that he/she has obtained. Decisions are made with much contemplation and du’ah. Situations are handled with patience and gratitude.

    Information>Knowledge>Wisdom.

    Unfortunately, many people today only reach the information level. They dismiss knowledge and wisdom as unnecessary. Hence, we are in “The Information Age.”

    May Allah grant us all the ability to get to the level of wisdom.

  • Ina

    January 16, 2014

    @ Laila,

    My position is similar to your cowife. I am half chinese/vietnamese and married to malay man. He is now preparing to marry a malay girl much younger than me and him. I am very much hoping that will be where the similarities end. I see myself as a simple person with simple needs and taste. I don’t like drama and confrontations but I will stand up for my rights.

    Now, I am constantly arguing with my hubby about how he will provide for us once he marries another. I have been supporting most our family’s living cost whilst he sends his money back to malaysia to build up his assets there. I have told him that he needs to start supporting this family from now onwards. At first he agrees with how much he will give me but a few hours later (probably after a discussion with fiancee), he changes his mind saying he can’t afford to give me that much. I told him that it’s not my problem that he needs to support 2 families…I am only concerned that he can support us, his current family.

    I don’t like talking about money. He tells me that at the end of the day, it does not matter how much money I have because the goal is to enter jannah. Yes, of course, but it should not alleviate him from his responsibilities just because I have an income to support the family.

    What made me mad…so mad that I am still awake at 1am is when he told me that the other girl asked him to delete his photos of me from his facebook account. She’s not even married to him yet! He said he didn’t delete the photos but choose instead to hide it from her so she can’t see his family album on facebook. He has a photo of her on the front of this FB account and I didn’t ask him to change it. Is this a sign of things to come? I really hope not.

  • Ruqayya

    January 16, 2014

    @KA, I’m sorry if I offended you. I should not have said anything about your husband, especially seeing as I am talking to YOU and not him… it’s unfair to make you feel guilty over an action you had no control over and I am sure you also feel compassion towards your co and wish that things could work out. But, this is it. Hopefully good comes out of the situation, in whichever form Allah chooses.
    I guess a lot of wives get touchy over divorce in a plural marriage, when the first wife gets divorced for struggling we all get upset because we know that struggle. But we may not know the entire situation, even you, as his wife, does not know the entire situation. Maybe even the two of them are confused as well. When the second gets divorced second wives feel upset too, we do categorise and relate to completely separate stories and wonder if that will be our fate too. But we all have a different ‘story’ to lead.

  • KA126

    January 16, 2014

    @Laila,

    I understand that divorcing my CoCo during her pregnancy is quite shocking. No one is more shocked than I am right now. I only know a snippet of what happened so I agree with you that it had to be a super major offense or maybe it was an accumulation of what has been going on this past year.

    When he was telling me, you should have seen me. I had to sit down and my mouth was open the whole time. We were in the prayer room of our house and the way he was talking, (he is usually very reserved and doesn’t express his feelings a lot). Apparently this really affected him. He had kept it from me for a whole week so figuratively and literally he was spilling the beans.

    I feel right now Shaiytan is running rampant, the fitnah on the blog right now is really apparent. Sisters, it is time to go overboard on the duas. I speak to myself first.

  • KA126

    January 16, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    I have never said my coco had to except anything based on her faith or her upbringing. I only commented on her having a support system.

  • ana

    January 16, 2014

    My husband’s other had the audacity to tell my husband Oh, “She’s not making it easy for me.” What kind of crazy non-sense is that? She marries my husband; won’t speak to me; says she wants nothing to do with me; she said, to him, I don’t want to know she exists, yet she wants me to make something easy for her and she’s not even a sister-in-faith. Then she thinks she can take from me (my days), like she’s got some right to. I just don’t know where some people get off. Then people wonder why there is so much animosity on the first wife’s part to the one who join the existing family. rolling eyes This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 16, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    One thing I told my husband’s other when she called me a hypocrite when I said mean things to her is that being a Muslim DOES NOT MEAN PERFECT. Just because a Muslim reads Quran, knows Quran, studies etc does not make the person perfect. The person will never be perfect and no human being is or will ever be.

    Apparently dealing with polygamy is her test or punishment the same as it is yours and mine. Polygamy simply may not be her strong suit. It wasn’t mine. I never wanted to be a part of polygamy and thought I’d never have to live it. One of the main reasons I married my husband is because he said he wouldn’t become polygamous; he said he had no desire to live polygamy; didn’t want it; and his job wouldn’t allow it.

    Polygamy was the only thing in the Quran I rejected. I knew it was wrong of me and I had a serious concern about not excepting it; although, I thought I wouldn’t have to live it. Guess what? I found myself in the very thing I disliked the most and tried to prevent. It could be the same for your other or it could not.

    Everyone has a struggle, a jihad, a personal battle with themselves. If you expect your co to be holier than thou and above reproach and all those things, and want to minimize what she allegedly does with regard to serving Allah, you’re looking at things entirely wrong.

    You said you only recently began to except Islam after over ten years of being polygamous. Therefore, she was dealing with a non-Muslim the same as I am now with my husband’s other. It could be a reason she didn’t accept you all this time. When you first came to the blog you said your co was a cancer and you were extremely negative and hateful in your speech to us about her, so I doubt you were all righteous and pious in your dealings with her either. I just hate when another woman shows up on the scene, marries someones husband and think the first wife is supposed to welcome her with open arms and lay out the red carpet. It’s bullshi!

    I’m just saying…

    The same thing with KA126 talking about her co should have accepted polygamy because her co came from a polygamous family. My husband’s other told him that I should have accepted polygamy right away because I’m Muslim. It’s all ignorance – straight up ignorance.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    January 16, 2014

    @Laila no both proposals failed for one reason or another. But he was pretty determined to remarry at the time.. so we had a serious discussion about it… irregardless I feel every married couple shpuld discuss it to a certain degree. I for one couldn’t stand by a man who married behind ky back, ky husband should know that so he Is aware lf what crap I’ll put up with. This site is about polygamy so I come on here to discuss polygamy. In my day to day life me and hubny don’t sit around discussing polygamy non stop. But it shouldn’t be something I ignore. I feel x, y, z are better solutions so if the time comes again where he considers remarrying I will let him know howni feel and what I want.

  • billy

    January 16, 2014

    salam everyone!! my mother in law is GONE!! punishment is officially over. (teehee* she’s at stepwifes house now, she’s her problem, they’re back from their ski trip. so much for my week of solitude sad oh well, there’s always next time) also, the baby is gone!! his mom picked him up today and (i kinda felt sad, shh don’t tell anyone though) i’m RELIEVED!!!!!!!!!
    never offering to babysit again. i’m just glad to have my life back again. lol.

    on that note, i thought i’d share this quote: “the only one who can truly satisfy the heart is the one who created it”

    if you find yourself upset w/polygamy, remember that.

    be back in a bit. need to wash this baby stink off of me. thought i’d share the quote before it escaped my mind.

    x’s & o’s

  • Laila

    January 16, 2014

    Dear Gail, you sound very very disturbed about your in-laws. If you feel that they are taking advantage then it’s high time you take situation. Hoping that your ex co-wife coming to the States to help you is out of the question. They might be playing mum just to take care of themselves. So rather than just making a decision based on the heat of the moment isn’t a good idea. Time to sit down and rethink about what you want and how it can be achieved.

    Dear Lynette, where are you?!…. Missing you loads.

    Dear Ummof4, yes you’re right. My life for the past FEW years has been full of drama. It’s been such because I have a co-wife that till today doesn’t accept polygamy and finds every oppourtunity to place a wedge between me and my hubby. I too am human and therefore sometimes instead of playing the patient monk, I bite back. I noticed that the more I kept quiet, the more she took advantage of the situation. Therefore I plan to ignore her at all costs. I need my peace, space and I need my life back. Hopefully this can be achieved.

    Dear Spirited, it feels like ages that we have not talked to one another directly. Anyway, Ive missed you. Yes, I agree that when a man decides to take on another family, that he should shoulder the financial aspect as well. Hoping that his wife can use her salary to run their household is disgusting and shows that mentality of the man itself. He wants to practise polygamy but then again, he can’t afford it. To a certain extent also, this may put the man in a precarious situation too. The wife may also start loosing her respect for him because she doesn’t view him as the leader but rather a human without a back bone. I till today run my home using my husbands money. My own money I use it for my own family, my parents as they are ageing and they are appreciative of the monetary assistance. i come from a family where my brothers do just about nothing and this to a certain extent irritatates me and makes me loose my respect towards them. They are full of talk but no action. They have never been grateful for anything. It’s always complainta at the end of the day.

    Dear Aishah, my schedule is per normal. Alternate weekends and weekday. I am coming to a conclusion that I kind of prefer a rigid schedule. It get’s rid of stupid jacked up behaviour from adults. But, we are coming to that. Hubby will be around this weekend and I will have to slowly break the news to him about the need of a rigid schedule. Let’s see how. By the way, in response to him contacting her just to remind her to pray is childish. She is a grown adult, im sure she can handle herself. Why on earth is he treating her like a little girl? Is she that dependant on him that she needs him to remind her to pray? Sometimes Im amazed at the kind of stunts that co-wives pull on one another. It never ceases to amaze me. I hope you’ve told him off.

    Dear KA126, I don’t think Gail or anyone was attacking your husband. It’s just that when a woman is pregnant, we feel more for the woman as she’s carrying a new life in her womb. Im sure you can understand that women can be a bit hormonal when carrying a child right? ….. Divorcing her at that stage may have been too much for some of us here on the blog. But then again, I also believe than men too are humans. Meaning, they too have their limits on their patience. We always assume that the man must shoulder many things and responsibilities. She must have really pulled up some major one that he too felt that he’s have had enough. In regards to her coming to the States to get rid of you, well what do you expect? …. Seriously. Some women behave like juveniles when thrown into polygamous situations. So, I hope all the best for you.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    January 16, 2014

    Dear all, you might have noticed that I was a bit late or not my usual self when it came to the time frame or replying to a post. Yes, Ive been doing some deep thinking. Thanx to that, my temper has been short and today Ive noticed, I am having aches at my neck and worse still when I am very stressed, I have bruises come up all over my body. The bruise looks like Ive knocked over things but due to my blood defect, this was only or only happened years ago when I was in university but now it’s back. Hubby plans to take me in for a medical check this Saturday.

    Felicia I’ve just read through your recent post and it was an eye opener…. When you said that you went through phases of your life and that you had to deal with stigma, I was so shocked. I have just SO MUCH pent up in me but I can’t even pick up my phone and talk about it just to anyone. I think Ive stated here once that I’m embracing the Muslim lifestyle and therefore I refrain talking about my issues about clow* co-wife and gullible hubby. But on this blog, I’ve found ‘real’ friends and sisters. So let me just rent / share / and say what’s on my mind and in my heart. I too have gone through phases too. The hell started when he told her about me. It’s been hell ever since then. A hell of calling and shouting. A hell of her calling all his relatives and lying about me, the list sure goes on.

    Ive realized that over the years the spite in my heart towards my co-wife has hardened me in such a way that personally I hoped that she would just crumble and wither away like dust. It’s quite a mean thing to put out but the stuff said to me sometimes does get to me. “Your mother sure did train you well, she trained you to be a w**** “…… This is the kind of stuff I got / get. Ive spent years living in misery thanx to her antics. I really stupidly thought that over the years she would mellow down or sort of accept me and move on to a better quality of life. But till today…. 2014…. it’s yet to happen. She’s still upset till today that he remarried. She’s upset that during their marrriage he even had ideas to have an idea to remarry. She’s upset that she’s got to share just about every damn thing. Guess what, I didn’t want this in my life either. It just happened and here we are today,as husband and wife. I know that right about now, as I’m typing this out, she will NEVER change. Then don’t brag to me about having religious classes in you home. Don’t tell me that you know just about everything in the Quran. Don’t tell me that you’re content with your life but in actual fact you have a bus load of horrors in your heart. Just don’t…..

    I am at a serious point in my life as to whether I should walk out or should I stay. Hubby doesn’t know about these feeling at all. Ive kept it well within me and personally I don’t want to discuss it till I myself understand what in the world I am going through. I hate it when women play games. I also find it shallow when children are used as little trinkets / things that can be moved around and used whenever there’s a small chance available. I hate it when women talk about principles when they themselves don’t exhibit any.

    I have to stop all this unhealthy fitnah created towards me because nowdays I notice I don’t and can’t sit quiet. Believe it or not, nowdays I fight back because I feel that I need to stand up for myself. Ive also told hubby that this s*** has to end because it’s also affecting him. He’s become more angry, grouchy and short in his temper.

    All I know is starting from today, even if he leaves overseas and forgets to inform her, then tough luck. I’m NEVER picking up my phone. Because if out of goodwill I do, there’s a small window open for insanity to fly in through. I cant dedicate another few years to her insane moves with her daughter. It’s high time I focus on myself and my spirituality.

    I just have to once and for all rid myself of the idea that she will change. When in reality, she won’t. I just have to avoid her at all cost. Not that I am afraid of her. I just don’t need her negativity and stupidity in my life. My life and self worth isn’t determined by her or her statements. Yes, her statements hurt but she’s not my God. She’s just a woman stuck in a glass full of her own poison. She’s drowning in it and she plans to take someone else down as well. I wish her daughter all the luck in the world. She once told me these exact lines, “I’d rather my daughter be a spinster than to be a second wife,”…. Good luck and good bye!

    I seriously wan’t drastic changes in my life and I will see to it that it happens!

    Salam.

  • Felicia

    January 16, 2014

    ok that was a lot from me I think I need a rest for a few months.

  • Felicia

    January 16, 2014

    About a year after my polygamous life I attended a Personal Growth Course offered by Lifeline in South Africa.
    (Description – This course is designed to enhance self-awareness and acceptance of self and others. It focuses on conflict styles, emotional baggage and provides an opportunity for setting personal goals. This is a time where you can become aware of your uniqueness, value and potential. Each session consists of theoretical input, experiential learning and small group interaction.)
    For me it was not just the baggage of polygamy that I needed to get rid of but a whole lot of negative experiences that I had as a child and with my co-workers. I also recognised my strengths and have started using them. After that I could focus on my real problems, trying to work out if hubby was in with his mother about marrying again, good for both of them and Allah knows best. The stigma that society places on us due to one parent homes, money, etc. is carried with us throughout our life and passed onto our children. When something as big as polygamy or death or divorce or losing a job steps in our path all that bottled up anger/disappointment raises its head and we then try to find a solution to this single problem by resolving a lifetimes worth of problems. I know I have been there, all the I should have’s, all the insurance that I now need to put in place to avoid x y z if it happens. I have already kicked myself many a times. I have learnt that we go through different phases in life and these phases are affected by the many experiences we have such as careers, marriage, children (interesting one children as they move from baby to toddler to teenager to adult our needs change as well).
    Gail, it is good you are unpacking all that unnecessary baggage.
    Sometimes I feel your husband is thinking, Gail is ok with living polygamy so she accepts my culture. He can’t differentiate the living polygamy and living extended family. Obviously we see the responsibilities and commitment as different, he doesn’t.
    Your first decision is will you be staying with your husband or not. remember revenge is a double edged sword so make the decision for the right reasons.Once you have made that decision you can iron out the creases.

    I can relate to your frustration of everyone sitting at home and enjoying your hard-earned money (for their luxuries).
    I don’t know how you business is structured. As I was working prior to this the business is registered in my husband’s name and he was running the business although both of us contributed to the capital. He gave me a meagre allowance for the house and I accepted it because I understood he needed to use the profits to grow the business and the responsibilities he had back home and my salary was sufficient. after I left work I helped him with the finance and administration of the business and still do so. For that I receive an average salary which I used for the house. He also increased his contribution to the expenses but combined it never brought us close to level we enjoyed when I worked. I never questioned what he sent to his family. Alot of my silence was really my religious beliefs. I know he was the only and eldest son to a widowed mother and six younger sisters of which only one was married. as my husband I decided to help him with this huge test Allah had given us. I had and have no regrets in doing so. I know that my actions were only to please my Creator. Yes during the beginning of polygamy I questioned was it worth all the effort and sacrifice and my answer was I had done what was right the fact that my MIL abused the money I provided she will answer to her Creator. I was wrong to take stock of her actions the only person to take stock of our actions is the One who provides for us. It is a process I went through first identifying what was bothering me, than just realising that something’s are beyond my control and I can spend forever thinking about it and it will still be the same. I just threw it out the window. After hubby married Co his family kept saying it shouldn’t affect me, and their idea of affect has nothing to do with emotions but rather financially as their son is rich enough to more than sufficiently take care of both home. What frustrated me was after a while he agreed with them. So I said let’s be fair, you (my husband) are saying you are solely responsible for both homes and my income has no effect in our lifestyle so from now on I don’t contribute anything to the household and you see how far we get with your contributions. So I saved my money and started my business. Hubby now contributes fully to our expenses and we have dropped a notch on our standard of living again but he feels it. As soon as he married again he started to feel the financial burden because no Pakistani parent marries a child without considering how much they profit and to give a daughter as a so-called second wife they should reap if not double but triple the profits.
    I am content with what we have, more than our basics are met in some things such as my daughter attending a private school is a luxury. He has his income part of which he supports our family and the rest, I don’t know how much, he uses for his mother, sisters.I was here before, then I lost this place because of polygamy. It has been a long steep climb to get here again.
    All I am saying Gail is if he is worth it find a solution. You both have a percentage share in the business and in the same way share the income. Put this money in separate accounts. Agree on what each of you must contribute for your family expenses (that is you him and your children). You can do what you want with you money and he what he wants. In an ideal world I would charge him rent for his parents living in the garage apartment. I also think you should look for an alternative to home schooling, although you love your children to death you need time to do adult stuff, like run a business and implement no enter zones for in-laws. If it means you have to move house because of the school by all means do so. If you choose to stay with your husband then consider he has decided he will be responsible for his parents so move only a suburb away so that he can commute to them. You got to make it clear to him that it is his parents and his responsibility financially and every other way as well. He can get a place for them to stay, pay the rent for them, do their shopping etc. You will visit on Eid. That’s it. Your heart is in the right place and everything will take time so work at your pace and make decisions you can live with 20 years from now.

  • Laila

    January 16, 2014

    Sorry Ruqayya. But is your husband married to another?

  • Ruqayya

    January 15, 2014

    @Ana, this was my ideas when we were in serious discussion about him remarrying (he had 1 sister propose to him and another he proposed to, but both fell through for differing reasons so it wasn’t just shaytan playing with my head, it was a real scenario with real consequences that needed real imput from both of us) we both agreed that he would not remarry anyone who did not accept his kids. He wanted this as well, it was not me trying to rule over him saying he cannot marry this type of woman or that type… but he has 2 step parents both of whom don’t like him/failed to treat him in a nice manner. He really fears that kind of step parent for his kids, so we both agreed the best type of situation is one where the kids can move freely as they wish between both homes. For now the drive for polygamy has cooled down for which I thank Allah much, but I do keep it in my mind that he can at any point remarry, this is for my own sanity as in the past I have believed him when he said no more polygamy, ever. And then been shattered later when he changes his mind.
    As for now if I want to go to a sisters only function my husband will be more than happy to take care of the kids, even if I asked him to take them out. But in polygamy there is a third “parent” who has rights to her own days, we both felt it would make it easier on all if all parties including co wives were not standing in the way of him caring for his kids. If he needed to bring my step kids over I should not stop that nor judge the mother for asking for him to care for them, and vice versa. He, as a father, is still a primary care giver to his children regardless of whose day it is. Just because he has a new wife does not mean he is now ‘babysitting’ his own children, they are still his to care for. The kid free events are usually only for one gender and the mixed functions are kid friendly, but if we desperately needed a baby sitter we would ask one of our parents or my siblings. I don’t see the point trying to find a baby sitter when I have a perfectly capable husband just because he has a new wife, she should not stand between him and his children.
    Of course mainly the kids would stay with their mother but they would have the flexibility to stay with their mother or go with their father on school holidays etc.

  • u235sentinel

    January 15, 2014

    I don’t know if I’m hopeful enough with polygamy becoming legalized however decriminalization I think is a very big first step and I’m happy if it sticks.

    As far as other families besides the Browns, I’ve been speaking with my kids about this lifestyle and I’ve learned one of the families the Browns mentioned were also polygamous in an episode actually go to their high school here in Utah!! I had no idea. They know several of the kids happy

    And there is a guy down the block who has two wives (and owns two homes I just found out). Nice guy. He’s been here for several months and we chat now and then. I think he’s a fundamentalist mormon by the way he talks. I try not to push when we talk. He’s a really nice guy and I can imagine all this could blow back.

    I’m learning there’s a lot more people out there than I realized. One even on my street happy

    Very cool!

  • Gail

    January 15, 2014

    Felicia,
    I am sorry I forgot to mention about your husband and his mother.I do not believe for a second his dear old mother planned the entire marriage without him being aware of anything.What I mean by that is him being Pakistani he knows well his parents and their attitude towards the culture etc.. Believe me when I say I can’t imagine him being clueless.YOU clueless HIM no way.Him knowing his parents he knew for a fact he would be faced with a second marriage.I will even go as far as to say that he was in on it and made it look like he was clueless to throw u off.I know these people very well now and thats how they operate.You would never figure out unless they came clean and told u they are that good at covering crap up.

  • Gail

    January 15, 2014

    Felicia,
    Your advice is great but the problem is I already own my own property(3 acres to be exact)and I have them living in my garage apartment on my property.The problem is my husband seems to think we have to be financially responsible for them and they are very costly.For example they have to eat Pakistani dishes daily.My children hate Pakistani spicy food so I have to buy to separate grocery list all season this adds up to thousands of dollars per year.Also my husband gives them money on the side.Bottom line I feel like they are getting about 30% of our income.I want to point out that it is not just about the income I am changing and desire a different life.I am actually one person that really desired to try to live polygamous but my inlaws have stepped in and just prevented this and I am very angry with my husband for letting that happen as I feel he has no rights to disregard my reasons for needing excowife in the children’s lives.I honestly just feel like throwing my weapons down and just walking away at this point.I am so stressed out.Today my husband showed me pictures of his family enjoying a BBQ in Pakistan and I don’t know I became angry because all those kids there are growing up together and going to best schools and live in best homes etc.. and my kids are being homeschooled and I have to focus on my kids plus a career where in Pakistan my sister inlaws do not work and they get everything handed to them.I am just so over it at this point to be frank.I flat told my husband today to never show me pictures of his family again I do not wish to see anything from Pakistan and I certainly do not wish to know anything about his family.Nasty of me I know but I feel detached and wanted to get my point across I am not interested.
    I have already thought to move.I wish I could say these feelings would fade but I don’t have much faith that will happen at this point.It is time to breakaway and find my own way I am feeling.I really believe my happiness is somewhere else.
    Thank you for your advices they are very good.

  • ana

    January 15, 2014

    @Ruqayya, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Try not to over think things. Try not to think about it at all. You’ll have plenty of time to do it when and if he marries someone else. About who’s going to watch the kid that you may have in the future, if one day he marries another, seems a little bit out there to me. Who would watch the kids now, if you had them without him being polygamous and you and he have to go to a function or something? See what I mean? If he does become polygamous in the future, she’s going to have some say in what happens as well, regarding many things. As Spirited mentioned, what’s the point in dealing with a lot of “ifs”. Many of our “ifs” usually don’t become reality anyhow. It’s Satan creating scenarios in our minds.

    About becoming overwhelmed in life, I find life to be overwhelming at times, but way less now than I used to. Still at times it becomes a bit much. I don’t see death as a relief. First, I don’t know where the heck I’m going, so I’m not looking forward to death. I welcome all the time I have left on this planet, as I want more time to try to do good deeds. I’m not going to assume my good deeds outweigh my bad. I know Satan’s job is to make our bad deeds seem fair seeming. We could think we’re doing good and it’s really bad that we do. worried Furthermore, there are more things I’d like to do in this life and places I want to go. I know, if I am allowed into Jannah/Paradise, I will have everything I wish for. I know as well that the good things in this life are specifically for Believers, but exclusively for those (Believers) in Paradise. The problem is for those who don’t believe in Jannah/Paradise or don’t care about it. Their Paradise is only in this worlds life. Allah tells us not to forget our portion in this life. I pray that Allah swt gives me the good in this life and the good in the Hereafter, and protects me from His Wrath and His Hellfire.

    If we think things can get overwhelming for us in this life and we believe in Allah, just imagine how it is for those who have no belief.

    @Spirited, As Salaamu Alaikum

    Thank you for sharing the story about the negative seed your dad planted and the effect it had on you. We get lost in our imagination sometimes and it tend to take its toll on us. It was a good story for me to remember so I can check myself when something like it happens. thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Felicia

    January 15, 2014

    @Gail,
    My husband was engaged to his cousin before coming to South Africa. When we decided to get married he broke off the engagement which ended in his mum and her brother not talking. That cousin is now married to my MIL’s sisters son and everyone is talking again. When my daughter was 4 years old my MIL asked my husband to marry in Pakistan. He refused to and this finally ended up in them calling him to Pakistan because his mum is critically ill. To his surprise she was busy with his wedding shopping – he landed on Sunday and the wedding was to be on Saturday all arrangements were done, hall booked, caterers sorted out and even the bride. he only knew about the final plans on tuesday until then he thought they were finalising the proposal. You know better than me that culturally if he called off the wedding at that stage there would be death somewhere in the family.
    What helped me was not regretting the things I did or what I sacrificed for my marriage. I started to focus on how to resolve the now. The first thing I did was getting back to always ask for Allah’s guidance. I needed to build my self esteem again and I couldn’t do that by sitting at home I needed to feel I could do things and needed to hear people say that was a good effort or that was creative. So I started to make yoghurt and cheese. I went out to by milk and came into contact with people in that industry and we had long discussions about milk and how it affects the taste of the cheese. I went to the cheese industry open days. My daughter was at school and did this during the mornings. I also re-designed my garden. fresh air does wonders. My garden taught me my biggest lesson ever – I decide what I want to plant and where I can dig the hole put in the seed and water but for the seed to germinate, grow and bear fruit I have to leave it in Allah’s hands, there is only so much I can do and the rest is upto my Creator. and in this way I slowly handed over my good days and bad days to Him and let him guide me.
    I understand your frustration with living with in-laws, I come from a similar community. Apart from this there is much baggage you need to shed. I find that women who live with in laws need to be financially independent which in turn gives them more control over their and their children’s lives. Also the bit I know of Pakistani in-laws is they in your face all the time. I prefer having my personal space. Before leaving the state perhaps you can consider having your own home. Just leave them where they are at the moment and get yourself another place within driving not walking distance from them and hubby can visit you as he pleases. Or even in you current home, I don’t know if you own it or not but perhaps you can build on another wing for you and your kids – a bathroom, tv room/lounge and bedroom. There can be common areas such as the kitchen and laundry or rather not the laundry they can do their own laundry. If you feel your business is doing well than you should consider getting your own home that is in your name only and if hubby wants he can have a schedule with you and his parents. The reality is once those brothers and sisters arrive they going to be living in their brothers house. Personally I would suffer with the in-laws for a few months and spend as little time as possible in the house right now, rather invest my time in the business. build up the business to full capacity and when I have enough money get a home for myself. then hubby can decide what he wants.

  • Mumof3

    January 15, 2014

    Salam/hi sisters,I have been reading all your comments quietly,I have to say it helped me a lot on my personal matters,Subhanallah I was surprised to see how so many of you out there work really hard to make you marriage work and also it made me appritieate everything I have..I pray that Allah(swt) makes everything easy for you all and shower his blessing and mercy upon you all..

  • ana

    January 15, 2014

    Although a bit off topic, I got to thinking about the Gay/Lesbian thing more in-depth, and remembered there are Ayat in Quran that addresses them and punishment. I located a number of Ayat, which are as follow:

    “If any of your women are guilty of lewdness, take the evidence of four (Reliable) witnesses from amongst you against them; and if they testify, confine them to houses until death do claim them, or Allah ordain for them some (other) way.”
    Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 15

    “If two men among you are guilty of lewdness, punish them both. If they repent and amend, Leave them alone; for Allah is Oft-returning, Most Merciful.”
    Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 16

    “Allah accept the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance and repent soon afterwards; to them will Allah turn in mercy: For Allah is full of knowledge and wisdom.”
    Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 17

    “Of no effect is the repentance of those who continue to do evil, until death faces one of them, and he says, “Now have I repented indeed;” nor of those who die rejecting Faith: for them have We prepared a punishment most grievous.”
    Quran: Surah 4, Ayah 18

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 15, 2014

    @Laila,

    I think ummof4 has a point when she said what’s happening with you and your co looks as though it will be your norm. You and she are not on friendly terms and it seems she does not desire it for the two of you. So when it comes to you wanting a day here or there or an adjustment in the schedule, you shouldn’t expect it to work out easily.

    It’s the same reason “C”, Alex and I work with a rigid schedule. She and I both deeply detest each other, so neither of us is going to try to make life easier for the other. She doesn’t have to make it easy for me, as I never ask for anything from her, nor ask for a change in the schedule. I just go with the schedule however it falls. I’ve done it from day one of us being polygamous. She was the one who always wanted an adjustment or change.

    We as Muslims all need to learn to make the “holidays” insignificant. I’m not saying ignore that they exist (they are not a sin, unless one is celebrating the birth of “Jesus”, saying Prophet Jesus (PBUH) is the son of God, or worshiping someone or something), but only that we don’t put as much emphasis on them. The special holidays are the “Eids” our Muslims holidays.

    I doubt “C” knows anything about Eid. Eid is celebrated three days, so the likelihood Alex and I will be together at least one of those days is good. If not, it’s no biggy for me. I’ve got my Islamic family. My wali/bestess is always there for me. He goes to prayer with his wife and afterwards he and I may go out and have lunch, for instance.

    I think we all have to learn to improvise. If the husband isn’t available on your day and it’s a holiday or something, is there not family members or Muslim friends that you all can go out with? Why does it HAVE to be done with a husband? Of course it would be nice, but if we are in polygamous marriages and the wives aren’t amicable with one another then someone may end up being unhappy unless they can find a solution for themselves. It is probably easier for me as I’m reserved and I go it alone. Yes, some have children who must be considered. At what point do we let children know they can’t always have what they want? Most of time, it’s not even the child that wants something; it’s what the mother wants for herself and the child. The child is usually clueless until a certain age.

    Laila, remember, if wives don’t get along with each other, they will find something that they know will rattle the other wife’s chain and get her worked up. It’s a no brainer. What can your co say to you that would upset you? She has said it; you have no children. You have a meaningless life – there it is. You should see that one coming. She was married first. You’re second (in her eyes). You should see that one coming. What do you expect her to say to you? I doubt you expect her to say, you’re young, beautiful, intelligent, business savvy, educated and got it going on sigh Yeah, right… It’s not going to happen. You know who you are and what you are. You don’t need her to validate you.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 15, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    u235sentinel,

    I think the lack of active supporters for polygamy is the main reason it most likely won’t become legalized anytime soon. There aren’t enough Brown families and people who live polygamy who are willing to go out on the limb and push it. I know I, for one, wouldn’t be willing to do it LOL and I doubt many women would. The men would rather live it on the down low than come out and fight for it. I think churches, Mosques, Civil Liberty Unions and organizations would need to fight for it.

    About gays, it’s absolutely amazing how many are out there. It’s common now to see them on TV, kissing etc. I’m of the belief that they should be left alone. Let them do their thing. No one should interfere with them or anyone else for their beliefs or way of life unless they harm someone or commit a crime. Allah/God says leave His people alone and He will deal with all of us the way He sees fit. It’s not our job to do it.

    u235sentinel, you stated, “Well… personally I teach my kids that it’s not a lifestyle I embrace and I encourage them also to use their heads and not embrace it also.” What you said makes a whole lot of sense to me. thumbs up

    For those who would like an update on the Browns, here’s a link to a more recent article about them http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory/sister-wives-family-humbled-polygamy-ruling-21504040

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 15, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    KA126, I do not believe that your husband did a horrible act by divorcing his wife while she is pregnant. Only the people involved in the marriage really know why it happened. It is not unlawful to divorce a wife while she is pregnant; the divorce will not be final until the baby is delivered, and the husband still has to take care of his wife while she is pregnant, and the baby when it is born. Then if the ex-wife breastfeeds the baby, he has to pay her for her services. Allah is Most Merciful.

    Spirited, I am making du’ah that you do an excellent job on your exam, In shaa’Allah.

    Laila, sorry to hear about your latest drama. It sounds as if this will be your life. Drama, then a cool period, drama, then a cool period. It sounds as if your co-wife never liked polygyny and only Allah knows if she ever will. I believe you said you have been married over 10 years. That’s a long time not to accept the fact that your husband has two wives. May your co-wife find the peace that she so desperately needs. What is going on with the daughter and you is exactly what I was referring to in one of my recent posts. The mother sets the tone for how the children view polygyny. The mother is angry and spiteful, so the daughter is angry and spiteful. Let’s make du’ah that Allah helps both of them to get rid of their negative feelings towards you and your marriage. Keep on putting your trust in Allah and being the wife that you were created to be.

    Gail, it seems that you have reached a point where you no longer want to live “The Pakistani Way.” However, your husband seems to be perfectly content with his way of life, and so does the rest of the family. I don’t believe they will change if they haven’t changed in all these years. According to what you have said, your husband is more concerned about his culture than Islam. This will most likely continue. The American ideal picture of marriage is not what you have, but now you seem to want it. May you receive the guidance you seek in your life.

    To everyone on this blog, I love you for the sake of Allah. I want for my Muslim sisters what I want for myself, the sakinah (tranquility) that should be in a marriage. May Allah grant all of us the sakinah in our marriages. Remember to constantly study and learn Islam, that will help you in every way imaginable and will bring you closer to Our Creator and Lord, Allah.

  • KA126

    January 15, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum sisters,

    Yes it sucks that she is divorced and pregnant. I have already said that I feel for her. But the operative statement is she is divorced and I can’t do anything about that. It’s over. Do I think he had bad timing? Yes. But I don’t think badly of him, because I know what he’s been going through, before and while she is pregnant.

    However, people are funny that they think they can just do anything to others and then act surprised when you have had enough. She wasn’t thinking about her pregnancy when he was begging for her to come live closer to him and she refused. She wasn’t thinking of It when she refused him when he visited to give her rights. And the list goes on with what i have mentioned here and a lot more. As I said, a child doesn’t keep a spouse around. Gail, you are talking about taking your son and dipping because your husband loves his family! You know that won’t change.

    I’m sure habibi will be there for this child in sha Allah, like he is for all our others, just without the fitnah.

    Whatever….. There isn’t anything I can do but be there for him in sha Allah. Thank you for the input.

  • u235sentinel

    January 15, 2014

    I think the more stuff like same sex marriage get’s pushed, God pushes his agenda to balance it out. One of the reasons I believe Polygamy is up and coming in America. From what I’ve been seeing more and more states are legalizing same sex marriage. Just read today that oklahoma’s defense of marriage laws were struck down by a federal judge (big surprise).

    That’s nearly 20 states now I believe.

    Well… personally I teach my kids that it’s not a lifestyle I embrace and I encourage them also to use their heads and not embrace it also. There’s other things much better to discuss anyway ;D

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Laila,
    I am sorry to hear about all your crazy drama with excowife and hubby.Sucks fighting I hate it.I think your cowife is just possessive.I am kinda that way myself to an extent as most everyone knows here on the blog.In my Polygamous marriage I was the bossy one to be honest.I wish I could tell u it will get easier but I doubt your cowife’s personality is going to change anytime soon.Your husband might change but again that is like teaching an old dog new tricks.I am starting to wonder is there a dark cloud over all of us this week.Seems only Fatima had great news this week the rest of us have had rough sailing I think.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    KA126,
    Although I understand logically where u are coming from with your coco being a holy nightmare I have to agree with Ana on this one.Think about it logically for a second your coco did not up and get herself pregnant.Your husband wasn’t complaining that time about her when he was bonking her and got her pregnant.Now this is just my personal opinion but if a man can be so low as to give a wife Talaq during pregnancy then he is the lowest of the low in my book.I don’t say this lightly as my own husband did this very thing with my excowife.She was actually pregnant when he divorced her in Pakistani Court 11 yrs ago so he could marry me.He never went around her the entire pregnancy as I was living in Pakistan that time and he sent her to her parents home in the village so I would not find out about the baby she was carrying was his.Guess what a month after we married I insisted to go meet her and as soon as I seen her I could tell she was pregnant but my husband put in my mind that she had already married and I was simple back then and just took him at his word not thinking he was a lying snake.The baby that she was carrying that time I am now raising that child with my other children.
    I asked my excowife how she dealt being pregnant and not having hubby around she said it was very very hard and she started crying even at the time it had been 8 yrs since she had birthed that child.She said it was so horrible on her that when she needed her husband most he was with me.She had to leave her home in pindi and go live in in her parents home in the village and she did not have access to very good OBGYN being in the village.She said it was emotionally painful.She said she knew then that hubby did not love her or her children and this was to be her life but she did not understand why.As a wife and mother I remember that time well and I feel my husband was a low down dirty snake and I told him as much several several times.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Spirited,
    There are no what if’s in my situation.My inlaws are already here on and are both on GreenCards.They have been living with us the last 5 years.My father inlaw will become a USA citizen this year.I was promised all these yrs that after he received Citizenship my inlaws would move back to Pakistan and live with my older brother inlaw.Well guess what now the tables have turned and not only has hubby mentioned in passing that the inlaws want to live here with us.If this was a what if situation I might be willing to think more positive but it is way past that now.He filed for three of his sisters and their families immigration 3 yrs ago and they are working on 2009 when he called.So I know in the next 5 yrs his family is going to come here looking to live/sponge off of us and to be frank I am not into it.
    Here is the thing I have figured out.If I stay with him and not divorce I will have to continue living Pakistani style and although I love the idea of joint family system for my children I am not loving it with my inlaws as they do not help out financially and I am sick of it.I would like to add my inlaws are enough well off that they could but my husband has not said anything to them.I on the other hand am very out spoken and have told them so many times to help out but they never.When I do speak up my husband says I am being rude and putting him down in his parents eyes.
    I really do feel as though I am getting to old for all the manipulation games.I know u mean well but I really doubt I will end up taking it much longer to be frank.I am also moving to another city this year.
    Worst case we divorce although I do not see that as a worst case anymore.I may also just choose to live separate from my husband and inlaws and not divorce but I will be honest that I doubt will happen as I want a husband and a normal American life without all the drama.
    I hate speaking ill of Pakistani people but I really think that unless the woman knows that she is never going to be first priority on her husbands list I would say just keep on moving.

  • Aishah2014

    January 14, 2014

    spirited better hit the books!!!.laila hmm seems like she could have switched the times given that he told her a bit ahead of time.I guess ” check with her was wrong terminology, maybe he gave her too much info as to what was planned.sorry that it got ugly.what is your schedule now?

  • KA126

    January 14, 2014

    @Ruqayya,

    I hear what you are saying but no one was unfair or mistreated my ex CoCo…. Believe me… it was absolutely the other way around. As I said, regardless of the situation if someone has bad character and bad intentions, it doesn’t matter how nice, fair or just the other parties are. They will not see it. Habibi was fair and just to both of us and extremely patient.

    @Spirited,

    It is so nice to hear from you. Thank you for the advise. You are right! I did not have many problems involving schedules and time, just bad intentions from my ex-CoCo. It was frustrating since I really tried to be a sister and fried to her. You are also right that I shouldn’t stress about it. I will just chill and enjoy my family. Thank you so much.

  • Spirited

    January 14, 2014

    Salaam everyone,

    Hard to believe I haven’t posted here in a while. I’ve been either too busy or just not in the mood/right frame of mind to post. I’ve also been really sleepy laughing

    @KA, well that’s an interesting development for sure. Personally, I’d be happy in your position because things would be so much less complicated; no arguing over days/time, no more “he isn’t being fair”, no drama or instigations from the other wife & so on. I don’t think you had that much crazy stuff to deal with like some other ladies, but all the same, I don’t think you need to feel badly about it. Remember, Allah has His plan, and besides that, this is a matter between your husband & his other wife, so if they couldn’t work it out, that’s that. happy

    @Gail, hey there, it sounds like you’re in an unhappy place these days. I thought about what you were saying, and I kind of saw a lot of “what if” going on. You talk about how you don’t want his family bossing your life around. So let’s see, for his family, if your husband starts the immigration process now, it’ll take about 15 yrs for any brothers/sisters to get a visa (I think the department is working on applications from 1999 at this point laughing ). Now, for his parents, yes that’s going to be sooner, about 5 – 7 yrs I think. Still, that’s a lot of time (and not taking into account any delays Immigration wants to pull, which they are known to do).

    Basically, what I’m saying is that you still have plenty of time to put your foot down, let your husband know how its going to be (i.e., you refuse to follow any “commands” his parents may feel like imposing on you or your kid), and to plan what you want to do if he doesn’t agree with how you see things. Of course you can’t expect him to keep his parents in an old folk’s home or something like that ’cause it doesn’t work that way with Pakistanis (and you already know that, lol).

    Personally, I don’t think worrying about “what ifs” is very constructive. You can’t know what will happen, you can only guess (and its fine to try to plan for any negative future as best as you can) happy. What is more important is to focus on what you CAN control/change and dealing with the immediate future (today, tomorrow) as well as your kid & business. If you spend energy worrying about some “what if,” you’re just going to end up making yourself stressed out. I have an example that happened to me last week. My dad had said something about my husband (i don’t remember his words anymore) it was about how my husband must be plotting something because he hadn’t been able to come by for a few days and the way my dad said it, I started thinking “what if.” It was so upsetting that I couldn’t even sleep. I ended up spending all night with my brain on high speed, thinking up weird scenarios and plans based on what my dad had said. Was it affecting my dad? No, he was sound asleep. I ended up ruining MY sleep, then having a huge headache that lasted for the next 2 days — both days that I had to pop aleeve to be able to attend family gatherings. And to top it off, nothing my dad said or that I ended thinking all night was true of course, lol! So really, don’t get worked up over what your in-laws may or may not do. Make a plan for yourself, let your husband know what you’re thinking, and focus on what’s important. Deal with the “what if”s IF they come up, using the plans you would have already made. happy I hope that I made sense.

    @Kayg, sorry I can’t help you here. I don’t have any kids (yet). My husband has one — he chats with the baby on skype, and there’s no extra time given to his 2nd wife just because of the kid. I don’t know if that helps you, hopefully someone else who has kids will give you some input happy

    @Ummof4, I just wanted to say, I’m one of the people who totally agrees with your views on men being the ones to take care of family finances. If they take on more than 1 wife, tough nuts, its still their responsibility. Allah says that he has put men a degree higher than women, that comes with specific responsibilities. It doesn’t mean that just because they’ve got spongiform tissue & erectile cells dangling between their legs, that they’re “special.”

    I hate how women these days just take up all the responsibility themselves and end up doing an 8 hour work day, come home then do another 8 hour “work day” at home, then still have to deal with all the absolute garbage men put them through. And for the men, it’s like “hey, this is easy. I have all this extra money, a slave at home who makes money to take care of my kids AND expenses! I can easily afford to have an affair — oh wait, no I mean ‘marriage’ har har.” rolling eyes
    Sure, it’s good if the woman wants to help out with the bills, but no way should she let the man off his responsibilities.

    I’m going to call it a night now, and I’ll try to check in more often. Test day is coming very quickly, remember to pray for me everyone! I would love to have as much extra prayers behind me as I can get. My love & prayers for all the lovely ladies!

  • Laila

    January 14, 2014

    Dear Ana and all, Ive been going through pure hell from the last weekend….. To cut the story short, remember when I stated that my co-wife and her daughter created a story about me contacting the daughter and being nasty to her? Guess what, all hell broke loose last weekend and it was revealed. Ive been having my cousin coming over from another state coming over for a short vacation and I invited her to stay over as in the past she’s treated me and my husband very well. It was not his turn to stay over at my place as yet as last weekend belonged to her. But mind you in the past when she had relatives he did take one or two days and it’s never been replaced. So I asked him to replace it last Sunday. Ive noticed that he’s been in a bad mood for quite a while. He agreed but he said something that angered me and said that he should check with her first. I was a bit taken a back? Check? ….. Hey did he check with me when he wanted his extra days to be with her? …..

    I was upset and said a few things, and he said a few things and the whole thing got heated. Usually I would back down but this time I just refused to do so. I was upset, full or rage and I was thinking who made her the boss? Im actually okay if he doesn’t even come…. I am used to situations like that and I can handle it actually. The whole “checking” thing got on my nerves. We fought terribly that weekend, and my co-wife and I had a go. She too expected me to back down which is the usual but I refused. I texted her the whole time. I told her that I don’t appreciate the lies spread and that she uses her daughter as a pawn in a chess game. What I don’t get about her is this. When I text I avoid using fowl language or names. She does that till today….. At one point she even fessed up by mistake and told me that yes, I didn’t contact her daughter. My text messages to her, she immediately forwarded to my husband. But guess what, I didn’t do what she did. She even at some point said that my life was meaningless because I don’t have children….. She’s 49 this year…. and this is what Ive got to deal with. When it was revealed to my husband, he felt so stupid. He just kept quiet.

    He then stayed over, which I wasn’t expecting and today he’s gone off to work and tonight he will be there…. I hate childishness. I hate that she always emphasizes that she’s the ‘first wife’, and that, she doesn’t care as to what happens in my household but still snoopes around. She even asked my husband as to whay he’s paying for my Masters, to which he replied that it’s his responsibility to do so. I hate the idea that when Im bitchy my husband tells me to tone it down but when it comes to her, ooooohhhhhh she’s going through a phase. To which this time I told hime to shut the hell up and not talk crap. We had a heart to heart talk and Ive told him that if this is how it’s going to go for the rest of our lives, count me out. Im mentally tuned out of this marriage. He understood. She was even boiling that he was around yesterday as it was a public holiday. I by the way hardly get public holidays with him….. Her behaviour just sometimes get’s on my nerves. I just don’t understand why some women don’t and never mean what they say. In short, Ive told him that she’s just bored with her life that’s why she loves snooping around when it concerns me.

    Salam

  • Ruqayya

    January 14, 2014

    Ummof4 and Ana yes I do agree the children should not be shipped back and fourth every time the father leaves to go to his other wife’s house. BUT if I need a break, or I’d like to go to a function (we have a lot of functions/lectures for muslim women in my community) or if it’s the holidays… basically every now and again I would expect him to take them. Meaning I’d expect him to marry a wife who will accept caring for his kids every now and again, he agrees and says he wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t accept his kids as they come before all, even me.
    They don’t need to see one another every day but he definitely needs to make time for them. I myself came from a family where my dad needed to work 3 jobs to support 1 family and I never got to see them. I don’t want that kind of father for my kids as I know how much it hurts. If he can work a normal job and support two families and have enough time to ensure he is present in everyone’s lives and not just using our homes as a hotel to eat and sleep as my father sometimes used to, then we may have a deal.

    KA having a father with 4 wives is completely different to seeing your husband loving someone else. Coming to America where you and he run the show, you and he work, you and he own houses together, you and he have your way of life. Can you imagine how hard that is to be married to someone for so many years and realise that you aren’t even an integral part of his life? We can only judge based off what is posted on here, obviously we don’t know the entire story, but I do hope that my husband shows me compassion if he were to remarry because God knows I’m going to need it, and he is going to need a hell of a lot of patience.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    There is more to this topic but don’t want to get totally into it all at once.Will explain more later.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    This last year that is all that I have been thinking about is the children.I will for certain take my younger biological son with me should I move on.As far as his children as much as I am attached to the children I do not have desire to take them from their father.My main concern is my Biological child and his education at this point.I wish things could be different but I given my husbands lack to knock off about his family and their immigration filings and his parents living with us and feeling like my life is not my own and having to live under my inlaws because they control my husband I honestly think it is something I can’t continue to just ignore for the sake of the children.Honestly my husband is not a bad person by heart in fact he is a very nice person but the problem is I need more than just a nice person.I have hopes and dreams and I have a right to live my life with someone who does not come with so much baggage.Is it selfish of me I don’t know but being raised in America where traditionally we do not have parents telling us how to live our daily lives I take offense to their constant intrusion on my life.
    I will making a final choice on my life this year I refuse to stretch it out any longer than that.

  • billy

    January 14, 2014

    i feel like gods punishing me for something.. i just don’t know what :’( gotta keep reminding myself life is just a test so i can keep my patience (and sanity? yeah that too). life could be much worse. this is temporary (inshallah)

    sorry for being mia. i can’t wait till thursday . :confusedigh:: god willing i will be back to reply then.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    I feel where you’re coming from and I understand what you’re saying about your life. The thing is, you have your finger on the pulse of the Pakistani community. You know their culture inside and out. You have schooled us on it. With it being said, you know not to expect that he will be like men who you and I grew up with and are accustom to. It wouldn’t very much matter, if he and you were Muslim/BELIEVERS striving in the cause of Allah. It would be your common ground with him. It would be the tie that bind.

    You’re looking for the loving, nurturing relationship that we living in the United States know. It’s what we are familiar with and accustom to. You have to do some really deep soul searching and see where it takes you. What it will be, has already been determined. You simply don’t know what it is yet. I know how you feel. I’ve been there before I was married – in a relationship that I knew wasn’t the right fit. If you must move on, you’ll know with certainty when the time comes. I’m speaking from experience.

    Gail, what would you do about the children?

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    KA126, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    You stated, “A baby should not be a reason to miserably stay with someone.” I don’t think anyone here said or insinuated that he should stay married to her indefinitely and be miserable because he has a child with the woman. I spoke of him divorcing her while she was pregnant, knowing it was the last talaq, knowing she was very emotional at the time, knowing she has had an extremely difficult time adjusting to the lifestyle (polygamy), which we all who are first wives definitely understand. It’s the difference. How much more miserable was he going to be during her pregnancy and he wasn’t even living with the woman. We’re speaking kindness, compassion and patience here. He was ready to unload her (send her back to Africa) soon after she got here because she wasn’t acclimating at the pace he and you would have liked. She wasn’t dancing to your beat.

    Those are only my thoughts on the matter. I voiced them to you way back when, regarding his insensitivity towards her.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    ummof4, thank you much for sharing with us more of the details of how you and your husband made and make polygamy work for your family with the help and permission of Allah swt.

    I totally agree with you that a mother has a major influence on children in a polygamous family. In fact, I’d go as far as to say the influence is HUGE. What they see and hear and experience helps shape their lives A child’s formative years are super important.

    I agree, as well, that children need stability in their lives. They shouldn’t be transient. Yes, it is only the husband’s responsibility to travel between homes.

    Furthermore, I agree with you that children can know and understand they have a father who loves and cares for them deeply without a need for the father to see the children every single day. If the father can do it then well and good, but I can’t get with it as a demand by the wife upon the husband that he visits the children daily. The husband knows he has children that he needs to see and spend time with. Now, the ones who have children in other countries and the father only sees the children once or twice a year for a short period of time or not for years, it’s a different animal, in my eyes.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Laila

    January 14, 2014

    Dear Ina, im a Malaysian. So…. i smell a rat!

  • ummof4

    January 14, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all the ladies,

    Ruqayya, in answer to your question about finances. When my husband and I were first married, we set up our financial system. We would have a joint account, and two separate accounts. That way we could not argue over money. And as strange as it may seem, we have NEVER argued over money. He works to pay all the bills, so that money is put in the joint account. What is left over is put into his personal account, and that is what he uses to support his other wife. I have no idea how much is there and don’t want or need to know, because my husband is taking care of our household’s needs. He has more than one job and does whatever he wants with his money from his other jobs. When I earn money (and now my children even give me money on a regular basis) I can do what I want with it. Give sadaqah, get a massage or facial, pay for my gym membership, buy things for the home, pay for vacations, pay for fancy restaurant meals, whatever I want.

    To all the ladies, I know my situation is different from many of the women here because they started out sharing everything and then decided later that it was best to have some separate finances. However, with calm heads and a rational conversation, Allah may make it easy for anyone to change their financial arrangements.

  • ummof4

    January 14, 2014

    As-sallamu Alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    To kayg,
    When my husband married a second wife the first time (back in the 1980′s) we had two small children (6 and 1). While he had two wives, my husband and I had two more children. So basically, all of my children grew up in a polygynous family. They didn’t know anything else so it was normal for them. There were a few other polygynous families in our community, but not many. We had a three day schedule most of the time. My husband did not see me and the children every day, but he did most days. My husband and I always talked daily (we only had the telephone then) and he also talked to the children. We made all decisions together concerning everything about our children. I would get in touch with him if there were emergencies when he was with his other wife. The emergencies included hospital visits for accidents, car breaking down and childbirth.
    I do not feel my children were neglected or missed their father, because he was always in their life, and still is. When my husband and his other wife decided to divorce, my children were upset, not happy. They were upset because they knew that their father being home every day would reduce their special Ummee time that we shared. They also liked their stepmother. All five of us tried to talk him into staying married to her, but whatever happened between them had made it a done deal, beyond the point of return. My children and I are still friendly with my husband’s ex-wife.Even though my husband did not have any children with his ex-wife, she did have a son whom my husband and oldest son still keep in touch with.
    All of the 5 children (my 4 and her 1) are well-adjusted adult Muslims (from ages 25 to 40) who are being a benefit to society. They all finished college and are gainfully employed working for others or with their own businesses. They are all married with Muslim children of their own.
    It is my belief that the mother sets the tone for the children in a polygynous marriage. If she is miserable, the children will be miserable. If she constantly complains about her husband, they will complain about their father and may not like him because they trust their mother’s judgement.
    As far as the husband taking his children with him, occasionally, yes. But I do not feel it is necessary for him to take his children back and forth from house to house every week. The husband is the one who has to travel back and forth, not the children. Also, he may have children from both wives. Why would he travel with his children every few days? That is nonsense.
    In conclusion, children pick up what we send out. If we only send out positive words and deeds, they will be fine and continue to love Allah, both their parents, their stepmother and their stepsisters, stepbrothers, and any other siblings that are born from either marriage. If we send out negativity, they will be miserable and grow up to be messed up adults.

    Sorry this was a little long; I hope I answered your question.

  • KA126

    January 14, 2014

    @Ana and @Ruqayya,

    This situation is not ideal. However, I don’t view this as a negative part as far as Habibi is concerned. In my opinion, he has been very very patient with this entire situation. He has been reserved, patient and supportive for both of us. With every fitnah that came up, we would bring out the Quran, Fiqh, Tafsirs and Hadiths to help us learn from our actions and act accordingly. What else can he do? He has made his ishtikarah and prayed diligently about it. He went through all the steps mentioned in the Quran except hit her (he wouldn’t dare).

    As far as acclimating to the United States, she had a support system. She was raised in a household with her father who had four wives and desired and requested my husband to marry someone. This family is not and has never been a so-called unwanted relationship for her. But she allowed her jealousy and envy to get the best of her. Instead of placing Allah Subhana wa ta’ala first, she took her own actions.

    My CoCo has consistently displayed bad behavior not only to me, our children, his family and to him since she arrived in the States, so this in not pregnancy hormones. This is about someone’s character and their intentions. This may be why Allah Subhana wa ta’ala made provisions for divorce of a pregnant woman. A baby should not be a reason to miserably stay with someone. Our love for Allah Subhana wa ta’ala supersedes our love for our spouses and children. Isn’t that what we have been talking about for months now? Anything that can affect our Deen or our end should be dealt with accordingly. I can just imagine what she has been doing since I stopped talking about her to Habibi. I am just hearing a snippet now of her latest actions.

    Irregardless, this is not something that I wanted for her. I will have to step back again and let Allah Subhana wa ta’ala handle it.

  • Ruqayya

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    At the time I meant it.. but alhamdulilah I’m grateful that my husband was wise enough to realise that things would get better and that once we both calmed down we still loved one another and wanted to be together. I hope that I never get to the point where I think I may want a divorce or that he feels he would be better off without me. It’s a scary world out there, at least this beast (my husband) I know tongue
    It is really an eye opener to hear others situations and realise how good we have it, and I pray that others who are in bad situations are given ease soon.
    Things are going well, alhamdulilah. He is manning up to his responsibilities and I am learning the balance between keeping us as two individuals but also learning to work together. I’m learning to love him for the sake of Allah. It’s hard to know where to draw the line but we’ll get there happy I’m realising also no one will ever be perfect, nor have a perfect marriage. I’m happy, but I definitely view death as a relief these days.. not in a depressed way, but at times I feel this life is overwhelming. Have you heard of the quote, I believe it’s a hadith, that states this world is a prison for the believers and a paradise for the non-believers? So I do welcome that feeling of being overwhelmed by this world, I hope it means I’m on the right path. It’s amazing how much a marriage can change when you only change yourself.

    Your story also gives me hope, that were he to remarry we can see it through. I don’t hate polygany I just want to avoid that heartbreak as much as possible, but it’s all in Allahs control.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    I should mention that I never asked for nor wanted polygamy it was my husband that forced it on me and it just doesn’t sit well with me that he has caused such a mess and played havoc with my and my excowife’s life.I feel it is sooo unfair to have put me in a situation.It really does feel like a form of abuse to be honest.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    It is just stuff I am trying to work out.I am trying to be grateful for what I have with hubby but honestly I don’t see eye to eye with him on so many things.I am sick of my marriage and my husbands attitude towards everything.There I said it.I don’t hate my husband I just feel like I am not exactly where I belong.I honestly feel like there is not a day that goes by that part of me feel like I have made this huge mistake to stay with him.Don’t get me wrong ok he is a nice enough guy but his lack of emotion towards our personal family life leaves me speechless.On the flip side he is always ready to jump when it comes to his family on every level.I wish I could say even that I am jealous of him and his family which I kinda thought I might have been over the years but the truth is I just do not feel anything but bitterness towards that family.I don’t wish them any harm but I would like to stay a million miles away from them if truth be told.After everything I have been through I do not feel inclined to sit and listen to stories about him and his family immigrating to USA obviously given the circumstances it rubs me in a very negative way.I should mention his whole family has jumped on the USA Immigration train now and he is just filing immigration papers right and left.It goes deeper but you get the understanding of it.
    I love the idea of marriage but I really feel like a fish out of water in this marriage.This marriage is not fitting my needs to be frank.
    I should mention my hubby has given me back 10,000 dollars of the money he sent to Pakistan and is planning to give me the rest later this year.I wish I could say this has made some small difference in how I feel but sadly it doesn’t.
    One thing for certain is I don’t think I can deal much more of his family.I honestly think I will end up living single or moving on with my life if he doesn’t step up in the marriage and start directing the children and leave his crazy family alone.I should say I know him well enough he is not going to leave them.Seems I am tired.I just have no desire to help a family that crapped on me and my excowife.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    @Ruqayya, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Thanks you much for informing me about talaqs.

    I’ve threatened my husband with divorce countless times. He always refused me. Even up to this latest incident with his other, I let him know that if he let her get away with this crap of once again trying to take my days, it would be over for he and me. I was dead serious too.

    My wali/bestess cautioned me not to request a divorce or threaten one ever again unless I truly, sincerely, wholeheartedly want one, as one day Alex may take me up on it. I’ve become a bit anxious now about it. We never know when this may be it. – one threat too many.

    I’m grateful to Allah for His Mercy. My intent is to not to ask for divorce again unless I don’t love my husband any longer and simply don’t want to be married any longer. Rasha’s recent situation was an eye opener for me, as well.

    I’m glad to hear things are so much better now for you and your husband. You hang in there, hear happy

    Well, back to bed for me. Have a wonderful day or night, whichever it is in your part of the world…happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ruqayya

    January 14, 2014

    Whenever I asked for a divorce my husband would say when you calm down then we will discuss it..
    I really wish your husband could have said, maybe after you give birth we’ll discuss it.. but I guess it’s up to him in the end what he does.

  • Ruqayya

    January 14, 2014

    Ana, once the third talaq is uttered that’s it, and even in the iddah period he can no longer take her back. It’s to stop men and women from playing around and making a mockery of marriage. It also stops men from divorcing a woman, only to trap her in a period of limbo where she is not married but waiting to be divorced.
    I do agree with you though, it was heartless of him to divorce a woman who not only had to adjust to a new country, adjust to the fact that she now had to share her husband who she only saw for a few hours on her days due to his work schedule whereas she had before spent all day with him when he visited her (she probably expected that) and is now pregnant… it takes us a LONG time to get over the ideas we were bought up with, many women have a period of freak out due to the fact that we are scared and it isn’t normal for us.. we had no say etc. It’s not correct to treat another badly, but we just need time, love and compassion and we can accept it. I don’t blame you KA not at all, but I just hope and pray our husbands show compassion to all wives no matter what.
    I tell my husband all the time if he cannot handle my emotional rollercoaster should he remarry, then he really isn’t ready for it at all. Many men are happy to create a situation that leads to depression in their wives yet they wash their hands of any responsibility as soon as times get tough. I guess to some marriage is just about some fun and there is no mercy or patience when times get a little tough.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    KA126 As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Can't believe my eyes Say what?

    He gave her the third and final talaq (divorce) when she was pregnant and going through all kinds of hormonal changes? Wow, she’s been in the U.S or U.K. or where ever for what – 1 year? And, she had to adapt and adjust to polygamy as well? A final divorce during her pregnancy seems a a little harsh and insensitive, if you ask me. It’s just COLD Winter cold

    I thank Allah swt much that He gave me a husband who is compassionate, kind and patient with me. I didn’t begin to come around and accept polygamy for at least four years or more. He stuck with me through thick and thin. I was an absolute terror and nightmare for him many a times. He stuck with “girlfriend” – his other “wife” during all her craziness and shenanigans for over seven years now. He never once gave either of us a talaq. Well, to each his own i dont know

    Maybe some warm and fuzzy feelings will come into his heart for her before her Idaat period is over and he’ll take her back. Otherwise, it’s it for him and her. She’d first have to marry another and he must die or divorce her before your husband would be able to marry her again.

    Another saga, as the world turns.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 14, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    It’s okay. No need to apologize. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been there with taking what’s going on with me out on some here on the blog. Sometimes I don’t know what’s eating at me. We’re always here for you if you want to talk about it. No worries, Gail.

    I’m typing on my phone and you know how I feel about it. I just took a pause from watching a DVD “Love Story” with Ali McGraw. Let me get back to it. Catch you later.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    KA126,
    Welcome to my world now u know how I feel.My cowife only wanted me and my son out of the picture so she could come sit her happy A$$ in USA .Yup been there done that.I don’t hate her either and she is also very uneducated from a village in Pakistan.When I say village I really mean a village in the middle of BFE been to her home and was shocked to say the least.Her family does not even own a car and I doubt they even have 100 dollars a month coming into their home.It is so wild to say the least.Anyway I am sorry to hear about your cowife and hubby.I don’t know how this is all going to play out with the children involved but I wish u the best of luck.

  • Gail

    January 14, 2014

    Ana,
    Sorry I think I came across to harsh.I just am going through alot personally and I think it came out on the blog sorry for that.I did not mean to imply that muslim woman never take up for themselves I just kinda get the feeling that maybe Islam is so strict that woman are just really stuck in how much they can speak up and defend themselves is what I should have said.I do feel like Muslim woman do live in fear of divorce like it is some taboo thing and the end of the world.Again sorry I am in some kind of Funk I guess.Not certain what is going on with me.

  • Ruqayya

    January 13, 2014

    @Ina I agree with Ummof4
    Get financial advice but if you are willing to stay and work on your marriage do not give up sex with your husband, it might be hard, you might end up having to stop mid way through because you can’t control your emotions.. but try.
    My self confidence boost came in when I finally took control, started dressing up, make up, making myself look and feel good. We are still working on the sex and intimacy, I’m the one with the higher drive and I get touchy when I’m rejected and it can lead to frustration and hurt… please don’t do that to your husband, because nothing hurts more than feeling that the one you love doesn’t really care for you, nor want you.
    If you really cannot bring yourself to be intimate with him at least explain your feelings EVERY TIME. Say “I want to but I feel I can’t because of my emotions due to your upcoming marriage, can we just cuddle or kiss instead” or something along those lines… unless you are rejecting him to hurt him

  • Ruqayya

    January 13, 2014

    @Kayg,
    I don’t have kids yet but when polygany was in the talks I made it clear to my husband that he will not be less responsible for me and my kids just because he has a second wife. My needs and those of my children must be fulfilled (needs not wants..some wants we will have to let slide) and a second wife is an added responsibility..
    I did tell him that I expected him to take the children (when we have them) to his other wife’s house at times so that he can catch up on time with them, and that I’d except his children from her into my house also as kids need their father. I told him if he must take a second he should find someone who loves and respects his family, even if she and I don’t get along then she still must accept our kids because they need to come first. Thankfully my husband is a family man and wants to be an active part in our children’s life so he agreed that my conditions were valid and important.

  • Ruqayya

    January 13, 2014

    @Ummof4
    You mentioned you and your husband jointly own an account as well as separate accounts, do you mind me asking how it works?
    I have the same mindset as you, that a husband should be paying the bills and financing me unless there is an emergency. I do not mind my money being used for luxuries such as dinner at nice restaurants, or vacations or even a new wardrobe etc. My husband took offence that I want to keep my bank account separate, he knows I’m not for polygany and feels I’m being hypocritical that I don’t want polygany (mind you I won’t divorce him if he were to remarry, but I won’t search for a sister for him either) but don’t want to “work as a team” either. I do want to work as a partnership but just see merging bank accounts as pointless due to the fact that second wife or not my right is to be financially supported.
    He said it’s fine and he’s not mad now, but I do feel kind of guilty that I may have driven a wedge between us that doesn’t need to be there… but still I don’t feel comfortable with my money being used to fully financially support the household, we do have plans for me to contribute for the near future, but not forever.
    I don’t know I may need to rediscuss it with him but I’m afraid of hurting him as we are finally getting our marriage to a comfortable, happy place alhamdulilah.

  • kayg

    January 13, 2014

    Hey ladies,
    I was wondering because I have 4 children ages 10,4,3 and 6 months how do some of you women deal with polygamy with small children…what and how do you all deal with it? Do you feel like the children lack a father? Is there some kind of schedule? Please any info would be so good to me…since I have a husband that all he can think of is his private and not the 5 other individuals that will be involved and lacking…

  • KA126

    January 13, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum Sister,

    Subhana Allah…this week has been eye opening. Well, as you know.. my Coco has continuously refused Habibi to move to the city where we live. He was not asking for us to live as joint family again (even though that is something we both wanted), but at least in her own place. She insisted on living with her sister. Last week he went to pick up our youngest daughter to spend the night with us. Please remember that this is the second time. He hadn’t seen her in a month.

    Well, my CoCo did speak to her everyday, however on the third day she called screaming, yelling and hysterical. To this day, its a mystery why…. Then her sister called saying she was going to call the police if he didn’t bring her immediately. Habibi took her home. I didn’t here about the situation again until today when my husband informed me that on that day he gave her the last Talaqa.

    When he said it… it was my deepest felling of “Want for your sister what you would want for yourself”. Even with all the fitnah she brought, I would not want this for her. She is uneducated, unemployed and pregnant with a three year old. But from what he said, after she yelled, screamed, called him names and mocked him,he asked if she wanted a divorce and she said yes. He said then you are divorced and she said Thank you!!! :0 They have spoken to the Imam, made support arrangements and he has removed her from all paperwork and policies. So from an actions standpoint instead of depending on words… this is really happening… Subhana Allah… I thought this would not bring sad feelings from me, but I’m surprised at myself. I will just continue making duas for her that Allah Subhana wa ta’ala will make it easy for her. Nothing happens that is not already decreed.

    From my discussion with Habibi, it seems she only wanted to come to the States get rid of me. Wow!!!! He apologized to me for the fitnah…We shall see what happens next, in sha Allah. I think this blog needs to be in hardback. My chapter will be called “Head First” as in how I have jumped in. Alhumdulillah that I have learned to not relish in this dunya and my sisters here have helped tremendously to find my love for the Ahkirah. Shukran

    Oh please do not forget that February 1st is World Hijab day… try wearing one on that day if you haven’t started already!

    Man, see how jumbled my thoughts are, lol…. Going to bed now… I have some butts to kick tomorrow at work, in sha Allah.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    Ina,

    I understand what your husband has asked of you. In my case, my husband took out an insurance policy to cover his other, as he and I are legally married. She has no claim to what I am legally afforded based on his an my legal marriage (the Marriage License).

    Insha Allah, make sure you document everything thoroughly.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    January 13, 2014

    Waalaikumsalam Ana,

    I think he wants me to put in writing that I will not claim on his assets in Malaysia if he has repaid me the agreed amount. After all, our marriage is legally recognised in his country so I/our children can claim on his assets there. His future wife will not be able to claim on his assets in UK as their marriage will not be recognised here.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    “Allah has indeed heard (and accepted) the statement of the woman who pleads with thee concerning her husband and carries her complaint (in prayer) to Allah: and Allah (always) hears the argument between both sides among you: for Allah hears and sees (all things).”
    Quran: Surah Al Mudadilah 58, Iyah 1

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    Ina, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    I suggest you ask your husband to put in writing all that he said to you, so you will have no problems dealing with the courts, if he dies before you. He needs to put it all in a Last Will and Testament. We’re supposed to put in writing anything that we agree to with regard the future. If conditions and circumstances change, he can change or update the Will periodically. Have him put it in writing. Don’t let him make you fight it out with her and that family and his biological family when he’s dead. Here you’ve got to battle and get beat up while he’s gone, and he doesn’t have to worry about it. Bull, Friggin Crap!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Ina

    January 13, 2014

    Gail

    My husband has taught me alot about islam. One of things he said is that Islam is not about faith without action. If you have an illness, you do not just pray to Allah to cure you. You should still go see the doctor, take the medicine to help make you get better. But we also need to have faith that whatever happens, it’s Allah’s will. There is a word for it but I can’t remember what it is.

    I have assets in the UK that are in my name only.

  • Ina

    January 13, 2014

    Thank you Felicia, Ana, Ummof4 and Gail for your advice. I had a long talk with hubby and he pointed out that he intends to give me the equivalent amount of what he has invested in Malaysia whenever he can. If he can’t then I should claim for my share of his assets in Malaysia should he die before me. Our marriage is legally recognise in Malaysia so even if I can’t claim, our children should be able to. However, he “repays” me then I should not claim on those assets as it will not be fair to his other family. I don’t remember him saying to me that I should claim his assets in Malaysia if he was able to “repay” me. I feel better that I know this now because he is trying to be fair. Whether he is fair enough is still questionable but at least his intention is good. May Allah forgive me for not giving everyone the whole story.

    Gail, my husband is a good man. Marrying cousins is not common practice is malaysia – I think it is usually discouraged. I do own some of my assets in the UK. I just need to work out if I feel what he intends to “repay” me is a fair amount.

    Ummof4, I have told my hubby that he needs to start paying for all of our living costs now. I want to give up work as I do not feel that I can cope with it alongside polygamy…especially in the early stages. I don’t think I can cope with the stresses of work whilst going through the up/downs of being in a polygamous marriage. If my work suffers then he will also suffer as it’s our own business. The intimacy side is something I need to work on.

    Felicia, reading your story helped me alot. Knowing that you have come through a similar situation better and stronger is inspiring. Although, I do feel the need to give up some of my work responsibilities to make my life less stressful. May be, like you, other opportunities will come along.

    Ana, you are right that I should not look negatively at what is happening and turn to Allah for help. After all, in our prayers every day we utter the words Iyya-ka na’budu wa iyya-ka nasta’in
    (You (Alone) we worship, and You (Alone) we ask for help).

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    I made a quick correction to the emoticon. I had placed it in the wrong place.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    Dear Gail,

    I’m confused about what you have said to Ina. You have implied that she has not stood up for herself or that many Muslim women don’t stand up for themselves. Ina said she has spoken with her husband about how she believes he is being unjust to her in that he has considered giving the house in Malaysia to the soon to be Malaysian wife. She voiced to him how she feels and what she thinks about it. His response was to become angry and annoyed and he said she was being petty about money. What else was she to do? Should she yell and scream in his face, call him dirty, nasty names, and act like a crazy person? She could. Chances are she could get slap down and beaten, as well. Nothing in Islam suggests that she or any wife behave in such a way.

    The property in Malaysia is in her husband’s name. It would be a losing battle for her to go to Malaysia and fight in the courts for the property. She knows there is absolutely nothing she can do in the U.K. with regard to the property in Malaysia.

    Yes, she could demand a divorce. If every Muslim woman demanded a divorce from her husband because she is displeased with what is happening in her marriage, no one would be married. It’s a reason there are so many divorces, not only in Muslim marriages, but marriages in general. Most people are unhappy in their marriages because they aren’t getting their selfish needs and wants fulfilled. They don’t know the TRUTH. Muslims who are Believers knows the TRUTH.

    Throwing divorce in a husband’s face has been known to backfire. From what I’ve heard from Ina, it doesn’t sound he is abusing her physically. He contributes to the household to some degree. He has said that once he marries, he intends to spend more money on her and the family in the U.K. My husband said the same thing and he did increase the monies to me. He did begin to contribute more. He pays the basic household bills. I pay whatever we need to make our lives MORE comfortable and have luxuries.

    She most likely have children. She has to consider her children when she considers divorce. Should she raise her children alone or should she divorce and marry someone else for the someone else to raise her children oppose to their father?

    Yes, some women get in their husband’s faces, threaten divorce, threaten to go give their stuff (body) to another man. They do a freakout on their husbandssilly What does it really accomplish? Some men tolerate that type of behavior and allow their wives to control, manipulate and humiliate them Walking The Dog and some don’t. What does standing up to a husband really mean? What does it consist of?

    Muslims are supposed to live Islam, which is a way of life. We as Muslims aren’t suppose to make up our own rules. We are supposed to live according to the dictates of the Quran – Allah’s word. Allah is God.

    Yes, Gail, you are not Muslim and you married a man who says he is Muslims, but he clearly does not live Islam. You could get away with talking to your husband the way you do and demanding the way you do, as Allah swt is allowing it. He, you, me, and everyone else will have to account to Allah for everything we do etc. No one gets away with anything. Allah sees and knows all things. He is the ultimate and final Judge of us all.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 13, 2014

    Everyone,
    I want to say something here that is on my mind.It is true I am not Muslim and I don’t follow the Koran but I want to say I do not think you are obligated as a wife to stand by a man that you know is doing you wrong it is strictly a personal choice I feel.I know when my husband came forward and told me the truth I was so angry and just disgusted with him.I think there is a such thing as being angry and not sinning and I think it is perfectly fine as a wife to stand up to your husband and say HEY wake up u are not doing right by me and until you get yourself together do not expect me to give u any special favor.Maybe I am wrong but I feel as long as u do not sin then it is perfectly fine to speak your mind and tell the truth.This who hawing around dear hubby is not me and I never did like this with my husband.I will be honest I do not put up with any crap.Now again I know this is not going to go down easy with most of you woman being Muslim on the blog but I have changed so much in the last 2 yrs since finding out my husbands lies and him living polygamous.When I first found out I just thought I would DIE but after the dust settled I changed and got angry and said u know what how dare him do this to me and I told my husband straight to his face he was the lowest piece of crap on this earth and he said he knew he was going to hell and I never said no or ignore him I said YUP it seems like G.D made that place for people like u.(even I do not believe in hell well not the same way that muslims and christians do)anyway my point is he flat told me to move on for like 1 yr and finally I said u know what OK I am going to do just that so long story short met my first love by accident and was ready to leave my husband and marry(my first love asked me to divorce my husband and marry him)When my husband got wind that I was actually happy and more than fine to just move on so easily he did a complete about face and begged and I mean begged me to stay with him.My point here is if the men are busy being all sneaky then who is to say it is wrong for a wife to use her brain and willpower to keep her marriage and her husband.
    I know this is going to strike a nerve here what I am about to say here but this is my belief I do not believe in sitting around waiting on G.D to do something.I do not believe in faith WITHOUT action however I do believe in faith WITH action.Allah/G.D gave us a brain for a reason and he expects us to use it I am pretty certain otherwise he would have never given us in the first place.I hope I did not step on any toes by speaking my mind.I don’t think it is good for a wife to just sit and cry and let her husband rob her blind and live silently in fear that if she dare stands up and opens her mouth her husband will divorce her.I say Hey stand up open your mouth and if the TURD dares to go against you tell him straight you will DIVORCE his A$$.

  • Gail

    January 13, 2014

    Felicia,
    I read your post about how your husbands mother forced him into polygamy.I want to say I believe this is a lie that you were told by your husband.Pakistani men are not forced they know and understand well in advance what is expected of them and I am more than certain that your husband knew well what was expected of him.I am curious I can’t remember your story but correct me if I am wrong here but my guess is you are his foreign wife who may or may not be a visa wife and chances are his other wife is Pakistani cousin.I am trying to remember your story and I think u have a daughter and u live in UK but not certain.Either way I just wanted you to know that these men are not clueless and their families OMG are the nasty of the nasty and soon cut your throat as look at you.I am sorry to sound so strong but my inlaws are like parasites stuck on my A$$.

  • Gail

    January 13, 2014

    Ina,
    Girl do not take me wrong here ok but u better wake up and smell the coffee.Now granted I do not know Malasia (can’t even spell it correctly) but sounds to me that his Malasia wife should get everything.I mean REALLY who the Heck died and made him boss over your financial assets?Does his Malasia wife just happen to be his cousin?I can tell u straight I would fight with all my might to get what is mine.I had the same thing happen and I fought until I got my money back in my hand.I refuse to put up with that crap.Now if I were you I would demand he give sell everything in Malasia and give u half and if he refuses then I would not let him send another pound back to Malasia.Bottom line he is using you and it is really up to u if u are going to knowingly continue being used.It is up to you but be for certain he is using you.

  • ummof4

    January 13, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum Ina,

    I assume you are a revert to Islam. Do you attend a masjid or Islamic center? There should be someone there who will be able to advise you on your financial rights. However, you are now asking for rights that it seems like you forfeited when you married your husband.

    As far as not having sex with your husband, please continue to have sex with your husband. Keep making your sex life pleasurable for both of you and you will find that you will not have time to think about him and someone that he MAY marry. having sex. I do advise all of you to have testing done for STD’s and other blood work before he marries another wife and the results shared. Thank Allah that you are having time to prepare for the marriage that is planned. Turn to Allah for help and strength first. You will receive what you ask for from Allah if you are sincere and are doing your best to obey HIM.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    @Ina,

    I really liked the advice that Felicia gave you. I second what she said. happy

    Ina, I gave a lot of thought today to what you said. You question whether what your husband is doing is fair, with regard to his intent to give the property in Malaysia to his intended soon to be Malaysian wife. I think his reason for giving her the property is wrong. Allah swt says we Muslims are one brotherhood. Again I sound like a broken record. It’s not about race, color, nationality, tribe, sect (Sunni or Shite et. al.) or anything else. We are one people. Your husband said she should get the house because he is Malaysian, she is Malaysian and the house is is Malaysia – WRONG! Is she better than you because she is Malaysian and you aren’t? Does she deserve more or better than you because she is Malaysian and you aren’t. NO. The one who is better is the one who is the most righteous. Your husband is looking at giving to his other wife for all the wrong reasons. A huge problem in the Muslim community is that very few Muslims see all Muslims as being brothers. Some think a Muslim who supposedly has some blood ties to the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is special, got special powers and is above all other people who aren’t. WRONG! People cling to their tribal laws. Some cling to their culture. It’s clear why the Muslim community is in the condition it is in.

    Ina, even if the laws in Malaysia says only a Malaysian is permitted to own property there, your husband probably would be better off just keeping the property in his name only, so neither of the wives would have it. Maybe it would be fairer. I don’t know whether you live in a home you own in the U.K. and she would have the home in Malaysia. I don’t know all the circumstances. Fair and just is relative to the people involved, their particular situation and what they work out amongst themselves. It’s difficult to say what is fair or unfair, just or unjust in another life without knowing all the details and variables.

    So, what are you to do? You tried talking with him, but he gets annoyed and angry and thinks you’re being petty about money. Talking with him apparently is not going to get you anyplace right now. I suggest you do as Felicia suggested. Turn to Allah swt and ask Him to give you what is best. Allah sees and knows all things. I, too, was where Felicia was and you are – thinking I’ve helped my husband have what he has to help make his, his family, and our family life better – not to go off and give it to some other woman. The thing is, Felicia’s life got better. My life got better. Your life could get better. We plot and we plan, but the best of planners is Allah. Allah is the Master Planner.

    Ina, try not to look from a negative perspective at what is happening. Know that Allah is a just God. Know that He will provide for you, as He has been all along. Everything comes from Him and He has everything to give. Remember it and believe it. Serve and worship Him the way He tells us to and much more good will come your way. Be thankful and grateful for all that you already have.

    @Felicia,

    Wow, you overcame some huge hurdles in trying to get to Umrah. What a wonderful inspirational story. You exercised patience and persevered and it all turned out wonderfully. Alhumdulliah!!! thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 13, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello to the ladies,

    Rasha, may Allah improve your situation to what is best for you.

    Ina, even though everyone does not agree with me, I firmly believe that a wife should not pay any of the household bills unless there is an extreme emergency with the finances of the husband. I firmly believe that a husband should be able to pay all of the household bills before he marries one, two, three or four wives. If he cannot afford to do so, he should not marry. The husband/father is responsible for his wife and children’s food, clothing and shelter. At some point it will always come up that the wife is/was paying the bills and supporting the family. Once the husband is used to the wife paying all or most of the bills and supporting the family, it is difficult for him to understand why she wants to stop doing so if she still has sufficient income.

    As far as owning property, if your name is not on it, you have no claim to it. So if you ladies want to own property or land with your husband, please make sure your name is on it, or it is not yours at all and he can do as he wants with it.

    And in case anyone is wondering or has not read previous posts, yes, my husband pays for food, clothing and shelter for both of his wives. What ever money his wives earn, they can spend as they wish, and I for one, do not choose to use my money to pay for the running of my household. Whatever his other wife chooses to do with whatever money she earns is up to her and none of my business. My husband and I have a joint checking account and we have separate checking accounts. He never knows how much money I have and never asks me to use my money to pay bills. No, we’re not rich, but I do have extremely simple tastes and am extremely frugal.

    May Allah guide us all.

  • Felicia

    January 13, 2014

    Rasha,
    I am so sorry to hear about your situation.

    Aishah,
    What can I say, May Allah give you strength to overcome all your difficulties.

    To all the ladies who are pregnant: A very late congratulations.

    Kim,
    I have been very fortunate that Allah has guided me to the business I currently have. It is something I never even thought of doing. It keeps me extremely busy and I marvel at how much energy Jenny has. I read the blog but hardly have time to comment. Keep making dua and Allah will definitely take you. This Umrah was all about taking my Mum. I had not made any intention to do so. I received the payment for the first house I built at the end of November and Allah guided me to take my Mum. I started with booking and reservations. It was a test. My aunt decided to join us and I told her with a smile not to worry there are seats available on the same flight and there was until I needed a seat for her. So no seat for her and I kept making dua. We got accommodation and I submitted payment and our visa applications went in the same day the embassy opened. The day we got our visas I got a flight for my aunt. Everyone excited we were departing on Wednesday, Friday afternoon we get told the agent has lost our accommodation bookings. Monday is a holiday so we couldn’t do much. Tuesday morning we get confirmation for Madinah and when I am in Madinah I get confirmation for Makkah. To top everything Monday evening a water pipe bursts in our area and we without water until we left on Wednesday. So by Tuesday morning I was nearly in tears and about to cancel the trip. I had spent the whole weekend on the internet trying to find accommodation. I was stressed out completely considering my Mum and aunt’s age would they have an opportunity to ever go. So dua, dua and more dua ask Allah to give you only what is beneficial to you and what will bring you closer to Him and I will do the same for you.
    Ina,
    I have been where you are right now. I worked and hubby was in the business. I willingly helped with our household expenses whilst he invested most of the profit in the business for growth. He also bought property and built a luxurious home in Pakistan for his family. I knew upfront I would not live there but it would be a nice home for his mom and sisters and there will always be a family home for them (all the cultural considerations). He and I set this goal that once his sisters are married or we have enough funds put aside for their weddings I could leave work and we would be able to get a comfortable home, etc. He was forced into polygamy by his mother. When it happened I was torn to bits that it was unfair that she gets to live in my house and now I have to continue working. All the tears and regrets just came tumbling out. I have made my peace, it was a long hard road and many hours of praying. It is 3 years now and I am nearly back to my spiritual self that I was before polygamy. I never worried that he sent money home I was content and appreciative that Allah had given me the ability to work and earn and given us the means to take care of my in-laws. I am now there again, thankful that Allah has allowed me this business opportunity where I know I can feed us. If Allah did not want me to have the money I would not have received it. I am fortunate that the money Allah is providing for me is through good means that I do not have to beg borrow or steal. The fact that my previous earnings have been abused, my opinion, Allah will deal with that. It’s been a long road to get to this point.
    So be thankful for what Allah has given you and He will always take care of you.If you feel your husband is not providing enough for you and your family then speak to him about it.
    From now on take care of your finances and put aside for a rainy day. I know Jenny would be pulling out her hair right now: How many time does she need to tell us women to separate our finances and manage our own money. Things have changed in our marriage and we never know what is happening in the other home so be wiser about your money.

  • Ina

    January 13, 2014

    Assalamualaikum,

    I am finding it difficult to be intimate with husband or even show him any sort of affection. He will getting married towards the end of this year and I can see him doing some of the preparations for it. It just hurts so much. I am always thinking about them together…I probably think about it more than he does.

    The other problem I have is I don’t think he is being fair to me about the finances. We live in the UK and he is from Malaysia. Over the years, I am the one who’s been supported our family in UK and he has sent his money back to malaysia to buy land/build house. Now he is telling me that since I am not Malaysian, the property he owns in malaysia should go to his wife-to-be who is maalysian whilst he will try and contribute more to his family in UK. I feel hard done by because I thought the investment in Malaysia was supposed to be our investment. Suddenly, I am left with nothing in Malaysia and spent my money supporting the family here. From a legal aspect, I have no claim on the land he’s bought in Malaysia – it’s all in his name only.

    If he had supported me and our children in the UK then I don’t think I have any reason to complain but this is not the case. Every time I bring it up, he gets angry/annoyed…thinks I am being petty over money. I don’t have a wali or someone who can advise me on my rights in this matter. Sisters, please advise what I should do? Is he being fair?

  • Ina

    January 13, 2014

    Rasha,

    I am very sorry to hear that your husband is not willing to give your marriage another chance. I was nearly in the same situation as your 2 yrs ago. Now, my husband is preparing for his marriage later this year and I am feeling as hurt and sad as I have ever been. Each step he takes towards his new life is like a stab in the heart. I hope and pray I will be able to handle a polygamous marriage with some dignity.

    For you, you are the one who is willing to give your marriage another chance so if your husband does not believe you then maybe you are right that it’s not meant to be. Whether it will be a polygamous marriage or divorce, both are hard and painful. Pray whatever path it is, it will be the best for you. I agree 100% with Ana that do not chase him…it will only make him run even further away. Just let him know how you feel and leave it to him to make the next step. Men like to be needed but they don’t want to be with needy women.

  • KA126

    January 13, 2014

    As salaamu Alaikum,

    I am traveling right now but wanted to let my sisters know that my husband had given my Coco her last Talaq. I guess once she has the baby, I will be in a monogamous marriage. Details to come once I hit my destination

  • Gail

    January 13, 2014

    Rasha,
    I am so sorry.I am left wondering if he has another woman and the other woman does not want to practice polygamy and wants him to get rid of you just doesn’t seem logical that he would divorce u when u are coming around.I am kinda smelling a rat here.

  • ana

    January 13, 2014

    Rasha, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Everything will be okay. It’s not over till it’s over. I’d suggest you text him or leave him a note or email him Surah 2, Ayah 228 from the Holy Quran. Once you give it to him, leave him alone to contemplate it. Don’t try to have anymore dialogue with him about not divorcing you. Don’t chase him cuz he’ll flee from you. It’s what a chase is all about. Keep doing what you’ve been doing; call on Allah swt for help and guidance. He’ll see you through this. He knows what is best for us. We don’t. Put your faith and trust in Allah. The Surah and Ayah is as follows:

    “Divorced women shall wait concerning themselves for three monthly periods. Nor is it lawful for them to hide what Allah Hath created in their wombs, if they have faith in Allah and the Last Day. And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise.” Quran: Surah 2, Ayah 228 ”

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    January 12, 2014

    @All
    Well. It’s official I suppose. I will be getting a divorce. There’s too much baggage and my husband doesn’t want to put me through anymore heartache. I tried to let him know I’m willing to give us another try and accept that he has a right to practice polygamy. All of my attempts couldn’t convince him. I’m sad because I really wanted to give it a chance. But I made du’a that I would have the know how to handle whatever the outcome was. Please make du’a for me for new beginnings. Maybe Allah doesn’t want me in this type of situation.

  • ana

    January 12, 2014

    I think Jenny has a point when she says she and her husband are bond together by the STD they both have. When I think about it, it makes sense. Why would either of them want to divorce each other when they’d have to start over and divulge the information to a potential new spouse or never marry again. It’s much easier for them to remain married and live with it. I think a woman who is confronted with polygamy who would ordinarily say, “forget this crap, I’m out of here” thinks twice about doing so when she has an STD. She doesn’t have the freedom to walk (walk away from the marriage) the way she’d like to. I’m not saying she won’t. I thinks she more apprehensive about leaving.

    I think not engaging in polygamy is no guarantee a spouse is free from contracting an STD. He could still commit adultery or have a secret wife. i dont know

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    January 12, 2014

    Kim HPV is one that can be dormant for yearsssss.usually people might know they have from hpv showing up on PAP, may not even see it in the form of warts, so..may not ever know where it came from.it is very very common. scary that could result in cervical cancer.unless a man had visible warts wont know if has HPV.doesn’t show on blood test.OK for me maybe Allah has already given me the test / the punishment of the agony of discovering you have an STD…and by way when I went thru discovering it was when my parents took me back to college and had to take me to ER delirious with a fever ( some viruses can start this way) so it was a totally awful overwhelming experience!so I have no desire and, frankly a huge fear of ever going through anything like that again.I don’t know yes I wouldn’t like for Co to ever go through that either.like I say I don’t know maybe she has some issues herself I would not know cause I don’t know her history.I gave hub copy of my ( recent) STD test paper told him he could show her I didn’t mind…but whoever my hub has sex with is like me having sex with them.

  • Kim

    January 12, 2014

    Well ladies, I was going to keep this on the down-low because it’s kind of embarrassing, though I don’t know why I should feel this way since STDs have affected others here, but anywayyyys….

    Before I married M I had a complete physical done and a full STD screening. Now I won’t lie, M and I were intimate for almost a year before we married, we lived together etc. So it was probably a moot point to get STD tested since anything that could have been passed around already would have been but I did it, and was clear of everything and anything.

    M is the only man I’ve been with since my ex husband way back in 2001.

    Last year I discovered something a little odd downstairs and went to get it looked at when I had medical coverage. My gyn said she suspected genital warts. I had lab work done and tested positive for HPV.

    Obviously I got it from M, since I haven’t been with anyone else. He on the other hand had been with 2 other women….his “friend” (who I thought was my friend) “J”, and of course N. So it came from one of those two ladies. I have no clue which one since I don’t speak with either anymore, but I do have to laugh a little bit at the memory of N screeching to the four corners of the earth that M gave HER an STD (a complete and total lie she spread to everyone she could think of). Oh, the irony. Maybe he did. Or maybe SHE gave one to HIM. In any case, I remember telling him when I first found out about N that I wanted him to “boot up” (wear a condom) if he ever laid a hand on ME again since I was quite confident he didn’t with her (I didn’t know about “J” at that time). If only I’d stuck to that….not sure HPV is prevented with condoms or not though.

    HPV is very, VERY common and it’s not really all that bothersome, I’ve only had it appear twice, but HPV can lead to cervical cancer even without having a breakout and for that alone I’m angry. M swore up and down, before I saw the doctor, that couldn’t be what it is because he hasn’t had a breakout, but there it is. At least my pap tests have been all clear. A friend had to get that whole freeze-the-cervix thing done and it sounded miserable.

    It also sucks because if I ever did marry again I’d have to tell the fiancé about me having HPV, and that’s not a conversation I’d relish having. Good thing I don’t want to marry again and sex is way, way, WAY at the bottom of my want list. Yuck tongue

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    Ana,
    Sorry I posted before I read your last post about Birthcontrol pills etc… Sorry about that.

    OK my final on Aishah then I will shut up.Religiously No I think it is wrong to stop your husbands seed.
    Is it putting u at risk sadly YES.However logically speaking it seems to me Aishah has sincere worries that she could catch an STD or worse and I can’t say that I blame her.In the end it is up to Aishah and everyone to just pray on it and Allah/G.D to guide u in your personal choice.I am so grateful in this regard that my husband has not decided to pursue polygamy.Aishah u have given me one thing to be grateful for while I am struggling through my husbands choice not to fix the situation with excowife.
    Ana I don’t know how u do it knowing that C is a wild child.I won’t lie with AIDS out there it it scary.
    I put my foot down with my husband if he wants to mess around outside the marriage he has to tell me because if I ever find out he went outside the marriage I will divorce him straight way as I am also scared of AIDS.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    LOL You both misunderstand what I am saying.It is ok that u both want to retire I do to very much.Retiring to me means getting my children grown and married.
    My point I was trying to make was that I have to disagree with you when u say you have a choice to not have children.I personally do not think it is really a choice because as u see having a choice has created Abortion,birthcontrol pills etc..I meant to say I am under a very different opinion when it comes to a believer truly having a choice.I do however believe that living in America and the world today as opposed to 2,000 yrs ago has given us choices regarding pregnancy.
    I am curious is there something in the Koran that specifically says it is ok not to repopulate?Most Muslims to my knowledge believe they are suppose to repopulate.
    Your and Alex choice not to have children is your choice but from a religious stand point I am not sure if it lines up is what I meant to say simply because u do not have a child to pass on your religious moral virtues to the next generation.With that being said to each their own.Maybe u are right or maybe it is a lack of knowledge that u might not be seeing or understanding or then again it could be me and my reading to much into it.I have no clue.hahahah Everyone has to account for their own deeds and G.D knows I am not perfect myself.
    It was a just a point I was trying to make about the importance of passing on your wisdom and virtues to the next generation.It really had nothing to do with your and Alex personal choice to not have babies.(I am giggling at you two)

  • ana

    January 12, 2014

    Yeap, everyone,

    It is best we not go there with whether birth control methods are lawful (Halal) or unlawful (Haram). What ever one believes with regard to it is their belief.

    Now, whether Aishah’s husband should or should not use condoms is okay to address without dealing with the lawfulness of the condom. She spoke of condoms with regard avoiding STDs.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 12, 2014

    Gail,

    I just talked again to Alex about it after reading your email, since he’s chilling here with me nearby. He asked who’s going to get up in the middle of the night to change it, get it dressed, take it with them? He said, “No, I don’t want you killing my baby and then I would have to kill you. So, forget about it and keep it moving.” He again said he’d have to take it to work with him. laughing Really, though, I know him well. He does not want a child by me or anyone else. He said he’s ready to retire and take it easy. I know me having a child would destroy our marriage and lives.

    Having children can be a blessing and a beautiful thing. It’s not for everyone though. I’m happy and content without any. My maternal instinct just never, ever clicked in. I truly believe Allah chooses our mates and Alex and I are compatible with regard to the children issue. Just imagine me having married a man who wanted children and I was staunch about not having any. What a mess it would be.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    Kim,
    Glad to hear all is going smooth with u with your job offer and getting approved on the nice apartment.Also glad to hear your hubby is not creating more drama for u.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    Ana,
    I also wanted to say you are correct that raising children is very very hard and G.D knows it is one time consuming job no doubt but I feel you should not look at it in the terms of cleaning poopy diapers or the child sucking the living life out of you lol but instead you should see it as an act of creating another creature to serve Allah/G.D.What better Mitzva/Deed can one do on this earth than that.When I really does run very deep.
    It is also truth that so many people do not care about Allah/G.D now days but in saying that I feel it makes it so important to raise children to want to love and serve G.D.
    This is whole other topic and very interesting one at that.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    Ana,
    I wanted to say I never got the impression u were not kid friendly.I do however feel it is very very strange to be married and love your husband but not to want children.I am not saying it is abnormal at all just different and strange thats all.If u are happy and don’t regret having children then I think it is fine.I however feel very strongly that G.D made us to have children and if we can have children than it is our duty to do so.If you look at Abraham he really desired to have children.I don’t think it is just about passing on your material things as much as it is important to pass on your DNA because even though your dead and gone you will continue to live on through your children and your children’s children.Has to do with DNA and also your love of Allah/G.D.Think about it everything u have inside of u will die when u die unless u pass it on through your children.There is a powerful saying Train a child up the way he should go and when he is old he shall not depart from it.I find that so inspiring and powerful and as a mother I cling to that verse and hold it dear to my heart.
    This is just my thinking and I am in no way judging u for your personal choice.

  • Gail

    January 12, 2014

    Aishah,
    When we start talking condoms I have mixed emotions to be honest.I have read that a man is not suppose to spill their seed and I see true wisdom in this to be honest but I am not certain this is taught in Islam and if it is not then this would not apply to Muslim woman.This topic gives me so much tension u can not imagine because it opens up a whole can of worms like in my case if a man can not spill his seed then that means no masterbating or wearing condoms.Then u open up a another can of worms if we are being completely honest here about men in general.Some men like Anal Sex and maybe u as a muslim woman are not giving him Anal Sex but that doesn’t mean your cowife is not giving him.Everyone likes to think No not my husband or my husband would not do that but the fact is your never know what is going on at the other wives home or homes.Like I said before the condom issue stresses me out from a religious standpoint.

  • ana

    January 12, 2014

    Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    As you stated, no one knows anyone. Even with a sister-in-faith who wears Hijab, it is no indication of piety; although it says something good about the sister who at least covers so others could identify her as a Muslim sister. It’s about modesty and chastity.

    About STDs, I was way, way, way concerned when Alex made “C” a “wife”. With her background of having been with him while he was married to his now ex-wife (although going through a divorce), indicates she doesn’t mind messing with a married man; with my belief she took the Shahadah only to marry with no sincere interest in Islam – 7 years later and no sign she is Muslim; with her inability to have a conversation about anything other than sex; with her recent prank of sending me a pic of Alex’s private parts; and with my thought she’d not hesitate to give someone some payback nasty to get back at Alex, I would have reason to be concerned.

    See, Aishah, we can think about it all we want to. It will do no good. There are no guarantees when dealing with other people. We can only have hope that Allah swt will keep us or put us (our own selves) on the Mustaqueen (straight path). So, now, I don’t think much about contracting an STD from her or him. It will be whatever Allah has decreed. It would be my test or punishment. Allah knows best. We just have to put our faith and trust in Allah.

    With regard to you and your particular situation, I would think your husband would welcome using a condom to keep his other safe. If it were only you and him, I guess it wouldn’t matter. Just because he hasn’t contracted it thus far, doesn’t mean he’s immune to it. Whether you should make him wear a condom or not is questionable. For you to suggest he wear it to protect himself and his other would be admirable. For you to ask him to wear it, as you know he totally dislikes wearing one and you simply want to jerk him around, and give him another reason to question his actions in marrying another wife is a whole another ball game.

    Some people here have suggested I have Alex wear a condom. I don’t like condoms for Alex. I’ve been on antibiotics after I’ve had dental work done. The pharmacist advised me to use another form of birth control while on antibiotics, as antibiotics render the birth control pill ineffective. I just refrain from intimacy oppose to having him wear a condom, during the time. I think the whole intimacy thing is about him and me being as one with our juices flowing, and getting mixed up in the mix. Being married is suppose to be a safe haven for us to enjoy sexual activities with our spouses without fear we’d contract some type of STD. But, shi!t happens

    You’re in a tough situation, as your husband doesn’t want to use a condom. I think he’s not thinking responsibly and is being somewhat reckless. Please forgive me, as I do not intend to offend. I always want to speak honestly.

    I’d like to hear others thoughts on the matter.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    January 12, 2014

    OK salaams here is a TMI but I have to unload it a bit.here’s the place.Ummof4 I know u have addressed this as far as STD testing goes which makes sense to me.like I have said before I have one/ herpes pretty common I was upfront about it.told Co when we met for 2 nd time ( 1 St time wasn’t any kind of discussion!) so she knew.in case hub had not.she was well informed.he used condoms w her at that time / nothing w me.his choice.never any signs of having passed it to him, but u never know.he was informed that’s the point.so its turns out ( although he was not initially truthful about it I thank Allah that at some point he was finally truthful.at some months ago she went on pill to help clear her skin ( looks like it did some good for her so good for her) but they stopped using condoms….now u might laugh and say yes but I’m the one w a problem, but I don’t need anymore, and certainly don’t need anything that could kill me.the thought freaks me out.I don’t know anything about her past, intentions, and what she may do on the side.don’t know her status STD wise, but that could change in a minute.she is like half our age and has her own motives for being here and her background of questionable sexual orientation.we reverts do have a past at times, he didn’t meet her as a hijab wearing sister our age from the masjid or anything.( not that that person wouldn’t need to be examined too!)so I said ill be the condom person that’s OK w me I don’t know what u do on other side of town.I’m fine w that but he is not happy w that.I said ” be thankful for what u have what Allah has given u.but not everything goes ur way just cause u want it to.don’t be selfish.just be grateful.u wanted 2. u have 2. I am going to protect myself”…. so on the other hand he may not acknowledge he has changed my intimate life as I know it too! nut bottom line I will protect myself..don’t know if anyone has dealt w this but its been eating at me a bit..getting it out! and yes I know my status. just not hers

  • ummof4

    January 11, 2014

    As-salaamu Alaikum wa ahmatullahi wa barakatuhu and hello to the ladies,

    Rashe, I had occasion to work at the same place as my husband for a number of years when he had two wives. We saw each other in passing, but never had any time for any in depth talks, lunches together or any thing else of a more private nature. I saw my husband every day and his other wife only saw him on their days. Allah knows best if it affected their marriage, but I never heard anything about it.
    What I think is more important than seeing your husband daily is communicating with him daily, particularly if he gets in touch with you. That shows that he is thinking about you during that day.

    An interesting fact – At some places of employment, husbands and wives cannot work in the same department, even if one is not the supervisor of the other. This is true in both public, government and private companies.

    Again, Rasha, I know it’s difficult, but try to focus more on your marriage to your husband and less on his marriage to another wife. Allah will provide the relief you need.

  • Kim

    January 11, 2014

    Rasha, sort of, yes. I’ve gone in and helped at the restaurant when it was needed, whether it was my nights or not. N worked there now and then too when things were crazy busy. There were a few instances when it was all 3 of us together at the restaurant and M’s boss was just bracing himself for an explosion, it was obvious LOL…he was all, ohhhh boy….but nothing like that ever happened.

    After awhile and during one of N’s and my “fitnah” periods she was really angry about me working there during her nights. Bossman told her, as did M, that he didn’t only need help on my nights and to get over herself. That went over like a lead balloon and was about the time N blocked the boss’s number on M’s phone and tried to blame me for it.

    Now M works at a different restaurant and they’re all well aware of the past situation and the current one. M’s boss really likes me because I work my tail off whether in the restaurant (I don’t really do that anymore) or when I’m catering on weekends. I leave the drama completely outside the business. I have no idea if N knows I’m still doing deliveries or not, and by so doing I end up seeing M on weekends, but it’s strictly business. Today he was extremely reserved and actually didn’t do all the lovey-dovey honey baby crap he is famous for, and I was VERY grateful. He treated me like a casual friend and that’s exactly the way I like it.

    Anyways Rasha….I would go back to what I tried to pound into N’s brain….the husband’s days are his days to do whatever with whomever (though in my opinion sex with “off” wife on the days belonging to “on” wife is kinda outta bounds, just my personal feeling) – the NIGHTS are the wife’s to claim, period. Quit catching a case over stuff that is not yours to catch a case about is what I’d tell a wife (and that includes myself!)

  • Aishah2014

    January 11, 2014

    rasha I have that with hub.we have worked together for years,how we met.that’s how it is.guess you need to consider on case by case individual basis.maybe whatever is practicle.like in our case my hub taking 2 nd wife does not make me feel I should leave my steady reliable job ( with polygamy in our lives we may need some steady reliable stuff!) of many years.if my hub wants to guess he could find another job ( although he usually likes steady and reliable except when it comes to adding wives LOL)…. on the other hand no I would not advise for. Co to come and work in same place! she was able to find a job…long term relationships have different perks maybe and so do the more recent ones with 2 nd 3 rd 4 the wives…he manages to see both every day…bottom line my boss does not pay me to socialize w him..but yes we see each other…I guess it would be more difficult if the man had 2 or more wives who hadn’t been working with him and then one or other wife wanted to work with him..then it would get tough!

  • Rasha

    January 11, 2014

    Salaams to All
    Does anyone have a situation where your husband and you or your husband and the other wives work together and therefore see eachother every day. How do you handle this with one seeing the husband everyday and the other only seeing him on her days?

  • ana

    January 11, 2014

    @Kim, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    It’s always good to here from you happy Yeah, every now and again I put some information out there so you gals (as Jenny would say) can play around with it, if anyone’s wondering my age .I have fun doing it. I’ve never revealed my exact age.

    Yes, I still get my menses and I’m still take birth control pills. My gynecologist wants me off the pill, but she fears I’ll sue her if I get pregnant. I had the FSH test done a few months or so ago to help her better determine where I’m at at this stage of the game, whether it’s safe for me to stop taking the pills. I never called for the results. I’ll find out when my prescription runs out; I’ll call then, Insha Allah. She said she sees a lot that there are women going into their 60s still getting menses. She’s flabbergasted by it.

    I get some pre-menopausal symptoms that aren’t consistent. For instance, I may get my menses and then in two week or so it would come again for a couple days or it would come five days before it’s scheduled to and only last for a day or two and then it will actually come again when it’s supposed to. It’s weird. It messes me up with my salats – I’m like, is it or isn’t it here or over; what should I do? Every once in a blue moon I may get a menses that is scary as all outdoors. It’s like a moment of hemorrhaging Scared smiley face I periodically got some night sweats, which I like. They’re the coolest thing. I like sweating. My younger sister hates sweat. She can’t stand for someone to sweat on her hee hee Anyhow, with regard to pre-menopausal symptoms, I’m all over the place.

    Kim, about you and M, I used to be a lot like you when Alex used to try to give me money. Then I got myself in check. I got with the Truth that all things comes from Allah swt. Alex is only the vehicle to deliver it. Now, if Alex wants to give me fuluus Money PileI’m a taking it. Why turn down Allah’s gift. If M, give you money, girl, you better take it with right good cheers. You’d owe M nothing in return. You only owe Allah swt something – your thanks and gratitude. Thank Him by worshiping and serving Him correctly. Kim, you and your son are worthy of the money. I used to turn down Alex’s money all the time. Look what happened; he went and got himself another to give it to. We shouldn’t be so proud. We live it and we learn it. Take the money and run…

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Kim

    January 11, 2014

    Salaams all,

    Good topic….though we don’t exactly fall into any of the categories very neatly LOL…though #3 with an attempt to transition to #1 is probably the closest description.

    Things are pretty much status quo here – just waiting for the decree to arrive in the mail that legally divorces M and me. Since we filed a joint summary dissolution we won’t have a court hearing or anything of that nature insha Allah, provided we filled the petition out correctly. If there was a problem I’m sure I’d have heard by now, as we filed Dec 17th.

    Meanwhile M is still trying to convince me he didn’t REALLY want the divorce, etc etc ad nauseum. He also is attempting (IMO) to “buy” me back. He has stopped over twice now, while I’m at work, leaving food and/or money for me and my youngest. While I appreciate it, especially him helping me with the rent which is a big financial heap on my plate, I can’t be bought. Nor can my son. I want to return the money to him when I have the means to do so, because otherwise he’ll hold it over my head. I know him too well; he says now that no, I have no obligation to him, but I can guarantee it’s going to come back to me in that form. It’s how he is.

    Additionally he says the communications with N now have nothing to do with them getting back together, she’s crazy and he knows now it has nothing to do with him making her his 2nd (which is what she’s been alleging her crazy behaviors came from). I’m hearing it constantly from him. Well, I decided just randomly to call his voicemail and I intercepted one he hadn’t had a chance to delete, which tells an entirely different story. Most of it was in her garbled Hindi but I caught enough of it. She said “so, we’re trying this again, and I accept but I have conditions. One is, no more phone contact with HER. You must cancel your phone.” She also advised him she wants witnesses to him giving me three Talaqs.

    After this voicemail I took a look at his cell records and they had a conversation after this. But I guarantee that if I address this voicemail (unsure yet if I will or not) with him, he’ll try to tell me she’s concocting all of this out of thin air, that he never expressed to her an interest in getting back together and she came up with all of this on her own. He said/she said…the story of our polygamous marriage since day one.

    Do I care? Not particularly. It’s just that if I only went by what HE is saying, I would have no flippin clue what’s really going on. And if I do what he is asking….which is “think about what you really want to do”, it should be with the basis of TRUTH behind it. And I know for a fact I’m not getting that from him. He told me last week that within 3 days it’s going to be over and done with (his communications with N). I of course am no fool and know better, but I feel pretty vindicated right now because right there in black and white I can see that it’s instead stepped up many notches.

    I usually hate when he insults my intelligence like this, but now I’m just amused and yes, vindicated in my decision to end this madness once and for all. I’ll be seeing him today (urgh) because I agreed to do a delivery for the restaurant. I’m sure he’ll try his lovey-dovey routine in the parking lot and I’ll stop him cold in his tracks. I’m going to do as N wishes, and request he give me talaq, in front of his Muslim co-workers to serve as witness. Enough is enough.

    MEANWHILE over in Wisconsin, I got a callback for a job I’d sent my resume for. I’m very excited about that and insha Allah it’ll be my ticket to ride. I also got approved for a 3 bedroom duplex in this huge Victorian house, the rent of which is almost half of what I pay for this ghetto 2 bedroom apartment. Alhamdulillah, things are looking really, really good happy

    Sorry so long about MEMEMEME…ugh….

    Aishah, I really don’t understand these men. It has to be that Mars/Venus conundrum, because how could that man not understand that calling co for Fajr is not exactly “foreplay”? LOL…I swear they just don’t think. M pulled a few stunts like that and it was like ice water being poured on me. Then he was all, what??? UGH…dude, seriously? SMH!!! And he wonders why my sex drive, after the initial “competitive” thing wore off, went into hibernation. Blech!

    Ana, you kinda/sorta gave away your age in a comment you made…lol…you said you were a young teen when abortion was still illegal, and abortion was legalized nationally (Roe V Wade) in January 1973. I remember it well as my whole Catholic community was all up in arms over it. I was 9 years old. You still get your menses? No pre-menopause to contend with? I should be so lucky. Well, not really since my baby days (other than being a Grandma) are far behind me, but the pre-Menopause stuff is for the birds. I can’t wait til it’s over. Menopause strikes early in my gene pool, my sisters and mom all were in menopause in their 40s. I’m 49 and still like a clock, but I’m getting all the lovely warning signs that it’s coming. It hardly seems fair tongue

    Laila, I get absolutely no indication of arrogance from you. I don’t know, maybe I define the word differently, but it seems to me you know what’s what and where you are in everything.

    Gail, happy birthday to the little guy! Glad he had a wonderful special day happy We did the Chuck E Cheese thing with mine through the years, now it’s the grandkids’ turn. I may never get away from that mouse..LOL!

    Felicia, long time no chat! Glad to hear your trip to Umrah went well, and yeah, I’d expect co would be hollering now for her turn. Insha Allah it’ll happen for her. I’d love to go perform Hajj and Umrah when finances allow. Leaving that one to Allah to sort out insha Allah happy

    Billy, girl you crack me up with every post…keep writing, please! I’d love to hang out with you in real life happy

    Fatima, a VERY late congrats on your pregnancy!!! WOW!!! Didn’t see that coming at all!

    Must run and get this house cleaned today before doing the catering, then have to return and tackle the laundry. It’s nice just washing for 2 of us instead of 4, but it still piles up after awhile tongue

    Have a great day! it’s warming up out there at last Alhamdulillah!

  • ana

    January 11, 2014

    @Aishah, Wa Alaikum As Salaam!

    I totally get where you’re coming from and how disturbing it was for you that he called her in the early morning hours of Fajr to wake her for salat (prayer). He knows it is a sensitive situation that the three of you are in.

    I’m 100% with you that if a person (in this day and age of modern technology) really wants to get up for Fajr salat they will. With alarms on cell phones and alarm clocks, there is no excuse. They even have Azan watches and other gadgets. Tell her to put the app on her phone for prayer. My wali/bestess, Alex and I have an app on our phones for it. The Azan goes off for each salat. The one I have is called “Prayer Times.” It’s blue and white in color. It has a pic of a dome and a moon. It’s loud and it’s long. I doubt anyone could sleep through it. There are quite a few free apps for prayer times for cell phones. As you said, Ramadan is a different story; we want to make sure our love ones get up in time to get something to eat and drink before beginning a long day of fasting.

    I read in some Islamic material (not Quran) that if a person makes his or her intent to get up for Fajr Salat and is sincere in his or her intent, but misses the prayer, the person would be rewarded for it as though he or she had actually performed it. It makes sense to me. We have to remember that Allah is in control of all things, which includes whether we get up for salat or not.

    How did your hubs expect you to get down with the get down, if he’s thinking about co and you know it doh

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 11, 2014

    @Dear Gail,

    I don’t want you to have the wrong idea; I definitely don’t hate children. I do believe they bring many people a lot of joy. Some children I find are way adorable. Others, like the temper tantrum throwing, screaming, crying, bratty ones that one comes across in stores, drive me crazy.

    What gives me peace about not having them is that I know Alex definitely, unequivocally, without a doubt doesn’t want any of his own. He’s really good with children too. He always says now that he likes other peoples children because he can give them back. He says he raised enough children in his days – his niece, nephew and his ex-wife’s children and grandchildren.

    Over the years, I’ve questioned him numerous times in depth to make sure he was certain he didn’t want us to have any of our own, as I would have considered it for him. He assured me that he doesn’t. I know it’s not too late. As Jenny says as long as a woman has her menses and still has the parts, child birth is possible, (if it pleases Allah). I simply have no maternal instinct – never had.

    I love hearing about all the new babies and the children of our blog sisters here though. It always bring a huge smile to my face. I generally like when good people are happy. happy Gail, I’m so happy to hear your little son and the whole family enjoyed his day. Alhumdulliah!

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Aishah2014

    January 11, 2014

    salaams.on the topic my group fits in the secret wive catagory with my Co secrets to this day.it’s not a strong foundation to build polygamy on.the more I read here the more I know man should not fear losing first wife if God allows it.good to be sensitive caring I thunk it is best to tell your first wive before God reveals it and she finds out and goes a little bonkers….its now been 2 years I can’t believe it! After all that’s happened hub has 2 distinctive houses that don’t mix although he would like them to….I am of the feeling that. he should just maybe make a clean slate of some of the mess,explain to kids about polygamy ( he never did,never explained which she is, where she came from,how she’s” family”.. I felt it was his job to do that.he didn’t really do that.to kids she is a stranger.to me she is someone who didn’t want the. wife and kids she crashed into,just her own needs met,no matter if it infringed on our time, no matter if it came from our joint bankvaccount.I am happy with my separate account.I put money into joint account for kidstuff some bills,but not towards maintaining house where Co is so its going.better.still somedifficulties overstep boundaries….like this am in bed w me notice he is calling her quietly to wake her up to pray.at same time had been uh initiating something with me.the something didn’t go anywhere then! I understand doublecheck for Ramadan to make sure we get up and eat before fasting, but if she wants to get up and pray,God will guide her and she will find a way.I pointed out that he and I have blaring alarms on phone sire she does too,or should get alarm.if u can hear phone can hear alarm.just a manipulation to keep his mind on her.heck ill buy her an alarm( hello Kitty I think). let him know it was insensitive disrespectful, and Shetland need to stay outta HES w us in am.

  • Gail

    January 11, 2014

    Ana,
    I was just jesting with u about the children phobia.Now that u said u have thought on it in depth it makes me very sad to hear.I can only speak for myself but I am certain every mother on the blog will back me up here when I say there really is no greater love on this earth than that knowing your DNA and blood is in another human being with all the endless possibilities that G.D has given to us.I know for me it is awe inspiring and very powerful to know there is this small child that loves u so much.This being my childs birthday I can tell you every single pain I had to endure to get him into this world was more than well worth it and I am excited about the future not because the world is so grand no but because my children are here and I believe they will leave this world a better place when they pass it on to the next generation and I am very satisfied to know I played some small part in making the world a little bit better.
    My son had a really nice 9th birthday.Hubby and I took the children to Chucky Cheese to play games then out for Steak Dinner( my 9yr old favorite) then we took the children to see the New hunger games movie which they really really liked as did hubby and I and then home to cut the Sponge Bob Birthday cake.
    Oh I wanted to say it is neat that little kids like you.

  • ana

    January 10, 2014

    Dear Laila, As Salaamu Alaikum!

    I probably had you beat when it came to arrogance. I think I was the queen of arrogance. LOL I can laugh about it now. All joking aside, I’m just so grateful to Allah I’ve become more humble. I still have a long ways to go, but at least I’m far away from what I used to be. Being a part of a polygamous marriage is a humbling experience. I’m grateful to Allah for it. At least now I may have a shot at entering Jannah/Paradise.

    Insha Allah, it will be a good year for you, and your co and the daughter won’t work your nerves much. I’m optimistic about this year with regard to Alex, his other and me. Insha Allah, they’ll be no more problems from the other regarding the schedule. It’s simple as simple can be – she needs to just accept the schedule as it falls. It’s what I do. For instance, even if my day doesn’t fall on my wedding anniversary, I accept it. He and I could celebrate our day any day before or after. It’s no biggy. Alex wasn’t around for my birthday last year. He was away on business. It was no biggy. He sent me flowers and called. It’s not as though we celebrated it anyhow. My wali/bestess says we all put a burden on ourselves when we celebrated all these extraneous days. Alex doesn’t like the holidays, as he feels pressured. Although I don’t bother him about any of the days, he still goes through something. Her best bet is to rethink the Xmas holiday season in which she takes vacation, as there is always a problem with it for her. She schedules it then gets called into work. She should see it coming. It happened enough. i dont know

    Insha Allah, I’m going to go chill with Alex and watch a movie. Chat with everyone soon.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 10, 2014

    Felicia, As Salaamu Alaikum,

    Alhumdulliah, you are back safe and sound and had a good Umrah. Although your mum was a handful LOL I could imagine the many mega barkats you earned for your generosity and consideration towards them (your mum, her sister, your husband and your daughter). What memories you will always have and cherish. How awesome it was that Allah swt allowed you to take them on the journey.

    I am so happy you shared your experience with us. I will make a copy of your post and put it in a special folder on my computer so I can refer to it, Insha Allah, when Alex and I go there again. It should work out well, as he and intend to go after he retires in a few years. By then the construction should be completed. I would love to visit some of the place you visited.

    Felicia, I’m not a bit surprised your co began to pressure your husband to take her to Umrah too. It’s what a lot of them do. They find out you have something or are going someplace then they suddenly want it too. I’ve got a co like it. It’s why Alex ask me to be careful of what I say on the blog because she pressures him for things. She only wants it because I’m getting it. It’s real sad sad

    Everyone, don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to all wives who join existing families. There are probably wives who married first who are like it, as well. There are wives who married first who do jacked up things like tell the husband not to go see the other wife and things of that nature. I’m only speaking of my experience with my husband and his other.

    About your husband not practicing Islam the way we should or you expect himto, try not to get yourself bent out of shape about it. I did it when Alex and I first married and I think it was one thing that made him flee from me LOL The best thing you could do is just let him see you doing your salats, fasting, reading Quran, studying etc. It may rub off on him. He knows what he should do, without you having to pester him. If he wants to do it, if he wants to be better, and seeks Allah’s help, Allah will guide him. Allah says he guides those who seek His guidance.

    I better run and make a salad for dinner. Thank you again, Felicia, for making the duahs for us while you were at umrah. Many {{{hugs}}}

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Felicia

    January 10, 2014

    @ummof4,

    No Hajj as yet. My husband is not a religious man, after polygamy he is trying to be more practicing of his religion than his culture. You are so right about the patience and humility. My daughter who is an only child usually gets most of what she wants. During Umrah we meet and speak to people and she has a better understanding and appreciation of the difficulties people go through to perform Umrah. She was shocked to hear that in some countries people are on a waiting list, the previous time we did bookings and submitted the visa application and within 2 weeks we were on our way.
    Me on the other hand had to be patient with my husband on both trips. As soon as Co found out she demanded he take her to perform Umrah. So I was patient with him, no it was not my fault that he can’t take her to perform Umrah, (he is not financially able to do so right now the 1st trip it was the last of our joint savings and this trip I paid for as it was my intention to take my Mum) so it would be nice if you didn’t take out your frustrations on me.(No I did not air my thoughts to him) There were days when he was in a foul mood and I just let him be. I made sure that my Mum and him were far apart on these days cos she was waiting for an opportunity to tackle him. Everything will work out as Allah wills.

  • ana

    January 10, 2014

    @Gail,

    I hope your little son, your family and you enjoyed his birthday and he had loads of fun Birthday dancer. I bet he is la little cutie. He planned a fun fill day for all of you. He did good happy

    Gail, I never had anyone refer to the way I feel about children as being a phobia. i dont know You caused me to think about it. It could be classified as such. I thought to myself; there had to be more to it than that I had to raise my younger siblings when I, myself, was young.

    I thought back to when I was a young teenager. Back then there was stigma attached to girls who became pregnant in high school. The ones who got pregnant and had the babies became friends and formed a clique.They were the subject of gossip. They were the ones boys only had sex with, and usually didn’t marry. Of course, some did marry. Fear of getting pregnant was huge for me. There were illegal abortions being performed, as abortions were illegal around the time. Girls hemorrhaged or got infections from botched abortions. I used to read a lot of books and magazine articles about teenage pregnancies. Some girls who became pregnant weren’t able to finish high school, let alone go to college.

    I think because I never wanted to be one of those girls in that predicament, it too turned me off from wanting to have children. My early childhood experience with children coupled with the other things I mentioned helped shape my view of them. I kinda saw them as a burden, so to speak.

    It’s funny you asked about whether I ever thought of what a child would be like, if Alex and I had one. One of my brother-in-laws years ago said to me, “wouldn’t you like to see a little Ana running around?” I never much thought of it; other than to think – with my luck I’d have a handicapped child who I would have to institutionalize. I used to say, if I had a “retarded” child (what they were referred to back then) I’d institutionalize it sad I know it sounds way bad. Back then, when I was young, it’s what some used to do.

    I’d have you know, however, children are highly attracted to me. It must be an aura or something. They like me a lot. Alex was amazed that all his step-grandchildren loved me. They’d be all over me when we were all at his mom’s house for gatherings or just visiting her or we took them to the threatre to see plays for children, to the movies, out to eat etc. I have some wonderful memories of when Alex, his mom, his step-children, niece, great niece and I used to travel to different States on the train for family functions and mini vacation. Alex said he’d never forget how much his mom loved me. I think it was because I always made sure Alex took very good care of her. It’s another tie that binds him and me.

    Anyhow, I’m very glad you asked the question, Gail. It cause me to reflect on it and contemplate it. Yes, a phobia it may be.

    I better run. I want to get a workout in before Alex arrives home from work. happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 10, 2014

    @u235sentinel,

    Thank you much for the link to the video and article happy . I just finished watching the video and reading the article. Progress is being made. Alhumdulliah (Praise to Allah/God).

    I don’t know how it would go over with many Muslims who use the excuse that polygamy isn’t allowed in the States so we shouldn’t engage in it. Out the window that one goes. From what I’ve always known the government/State never bothered anyone who engaged in polygamy unless they were bigamist (had multiple legal marriage licenses) or they violated other laws such as underage marriage, child abuse, domestic violence, sex assaults etc. Kudos to the Browns ((Mys Sister Wives) for taking the challenge. We shall see how it unfolds.

    As for the Gays and Lesbian marriages, I never saw the correlation to polygamy, but then again, I never really kept up with what was happening with that group of people. I simply thought it was easier to legalized those type of marriages, as they were only dealing with couples who married opposed to a man who is married to more than one woman. Gays who married would easily fall right in with the family laws etc that deal with married couples. It’s not complicated the way it would be when a man has many wives.

    One thing I like about living in the States is no one is forced to live a certain way, other than abide by the basic laws. People are allowed to practice their religion, whatever the religion is. In some “Muslim countries” they’ve got the “Islamic Police” and laws forcing people to live Islam when Allah/God says there is no compulsion in Islam. Allah decides who will be or not be Muslim. Who is a human to make the decision for another Muslim and force it on them? It’s way wrong. Let people live the way they with regard to what religion they are, what they wear, who they have sex (not underage persons), what they drink (alcohol) etc. We all have to account to our Creator for what we do. We best focus on ourselves.

    Again, thanks much, u235sentinel. thumbs up

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ummof4

    January 10, 2014

    As-salaamu alaikum and hello tot he ladies,

    Felicia, have you made hajj yet? Your account of the visits to Makkah and Madinah took me back to the two times I made hajj, in 1982 and in 2006. Both are unforgettable experiences. Above all, hajj teaches patience and humility, qualities that we can all use more of. All sisters on the blog, make it a priority to make hajj, and In shaa’Allah Allah will invite you soon.

  • Felicia

    January 10, 2014

    As-salaamu-alaikum Ana,

    I have been back a week now from Umrah.
    Alhamdulillah everything went well, my Mum and her sister enjoyed the praying and visiting the many sites we read and hear about so much.
    My stress levels dropped to zero when we landed in South Africa knowing I brought them back healthy and safe. It was nice that I could take them but also a huge responsibility for me, probably something that I created in my mind rather than the reality.
    This trip was a different spiritual experience for me. So many different factors contributed to this. Apart from it being my second Umrah, the weather played a big role the 1st was summer and now winter ( and yes in the dessert there are cold nights and they do sell jackets and gloves and beanies) and having different family members with us just changed the atmosphere.
    As you sometimes speak of doing an Umrah I would just like to tell you about the construction going on in Makkah at the moment. Madinah also has construction but not in Masjid Nabawi but at the mosques close to the Haram – Masjid Umar(R.A), Masjid Bilal (R.A) and those mosques are closed. Masjid Qiblatain and the mosque in the Fata’ah district (Battle of Trench) are not affected. If you do go to the Fat’ah district then you must definitely visit the Haideri date market. excellent selection of dates. If it is summer and you get a good driver/tour guide ask him to take you Hazrat Uthman (R.A)’s gardens. You can buy fresh dates from the trees and get a drink from the well there. We visited the Archers Hilltop at Mount Uhud and the mosque there also has some construction around it but it does not hinder the visitors to the hilltop or the graves of the martyrs of the Battle of Uhud. If you have a chance visit the Valley of the Jinn and if you upto it, there is a place where you can buy fresh camels milk from the nomads living there. They milk the camel while you wait.
    Makkah on the other hand was very busy. Both the Harams had been closed after the Hajj and the doors were again opened in December for Umrah. So from the 25th people just flocked in. We were lucky in that we arrived in Makkah on the 24th and did our Umrah before the crowds arrived. The next day it was packed and ever so difficult to make tawaf. Construction is all around the Haram and continues late into the night. It was not so noisy. Very organised so people can move around safely but certain sections inside were closed so Salaah time it was very congested. There was definitely more officers (male and female) guiding people along. Also the basement was very dusty we found it best to read outside than in the basement. The new area for the wheelchairs is a blessing. More ease of movement for them and it was so busy that they opened that area for women and children as well. The view from here was breath-taking, watching people make the tawaf and seeing the top of the Kaaba. Obviously there will be construction for the next two or more years but it will be the last time we will enjoy the Turkish architecture around the Kaabah before the new modern design is installed.
    I made and make dua that you visit Makkah and Madinah again and get an opportunity to enjoy the history. After both my visits I appreciated the essence in which the Quraan was revealed. It’s given me a better understanding of what was endured by the Sahabah (R.A). We are accustomed to different climatic conditions as that of the dessert. For me reading about it was ok but the actual experience of just the trip from Madinah to Makkah opened my eyes to a better understanding of why Allah SWT has sent down the messages in the way He has. Humans go through the same emotional and social difficulties from generation to generation, decade to decade and the Quraan tells us how to overcome all these difficulties.

    Got to go feed a hungry daughter. Will chat again InshaAllah.
    Take care.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2014

    Dear Ana, hubbs was telling me over bfast today that this years new year celebration should be at my co…. i just kept quiet but later i commented that eventhough we don’t celebrate Christmas but then I wan’t that time frame. He was a bit quiet but he said he agreed. I mean she celebrates Chinese New Year, Christmas and even Eid. So I only celebrate Eid n Diwali. But on Diwali its more of a family get together. So ive put my foot down. New year starts with no nonsence…. hopefully mother and daughter don’t play silly games anymore.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2014

    It’s an eye opener. It has made me realize and be grateful for so many things that I have. Nothing is ever easy in life, whether it may be work, business, family….. but that doesn’t mean that we should give up easily. I pray polygamy becomes legalized in your country. It is in mine. And yes, I am not an advocate for gay and lesbians marrying.

    Salam.

  • Laila

    January 10, 2014

    Dear Ana…. tq for the compliment 😌but I myself used to be quite arrogant, petty and selfish. Just of recent my views have changed. Its okay if my co-wife wants to treat me dirt or s***… what’s more important are my priorities and needs when I’m at home, work or praying. I also feel that these modern day ideas can be self sabotaging. It really put’s a totally different view point in my mind which is not in line with Islam. I watched the movie wntitled, ‘In the land of blood and honey’…. and I’m so very grateful for the life that I have.

  • Gail

    January 10, 2014

    Ana,
    I am laughing at u about your phobia of children.lol whats up with that? I am kinda surprised that u never had the desire to know what a mixture of u and Alex would look and act like.I could not imagine my life without children although I won’t lie it is hard raising them.Today is my youngest son birthday he is 9 and so cute.We have a full day planned of Chucky Cheese and going out to eat steak his favorite and back home only to eat sponge bob cake and icecream.lol he planned the entire day.He was suppose to see walking with Dinosaurs but had to take him a couple days back thinking he planned to much on his birthday.lol
    Walking with Dinos is pretty cute by the way!

  • Gail

    January 10, 2014

    U235sentinel,
    I agree with u.I have said the same thing that is if they are allowing the gays and lesbians to marry then I don’t know how they can stop polygamy from becoming legalized or at the very least become more accepting of it.I am also not advocating gay and lesbian marriage but it seems polygamy has sadly been placed in the alternative lifestyle.Lets see what the future holds now.You know something weird their are more gays and lesbians to stand up and protest for gay rights than polygamist so on the flip side of all this I wouldn’t be surprised if the government fights again legalizing polygamy.I am kinda thinking they may just turn a blind eye to it and keep telling people all polygamist are like Warren Jeffs and take advantage of woman and young girls is my thinking but lets see.

  • u235sentinel

    January 9, 2014

    While I don’t condone the developments with the same sex marriage happening in America, i must admit it’s been opening doors for polygamy as the same arguments fit (despite what the naysayers want people to believe).

    Utah is like the 18th state I believe that’s legalized same sex marriage. But the more important news is the TLC Show family the Browns in “My Sister Wives” was successful in decriminalizing polygamy in Utah which is a HUGE step IMO. We have additional court battles to go through and the Utah AG is fighting it however I don’t believe he will succeed. We’re ready for these backwards laws to go away.

    And people are asking him to please NOT contest it

    http://fox13now.com/2014/01/09/utah-polygamists-ask-attorney-general-not-to-appeal-ruling/

    He probably will anyway but that’s ok. It’s his job to do it and the courts job to tell him to get over it. It’s not like it’s been legalized (as of yet). Just that polygamists are NOT criminals anymore.

    Honestly this is happening much faster than I have anticipated. No complaints ;D

  • ana

    January 9, 2014

    @Gail,

    It was nice of you to get back to Billy on what to do. I’m just getting home and reading her post now. Good thing she wasn’t in a desperate situation. I wouldn’t have been able to help her with this one anyhow. I’m probably way more clueless about the situation than she or anyone else.

    It made me remember the time Alex and I took his step-grandson and step-granddaughter (by his ex-wife) to the movies. I think the granddaughter was 4 years old or somewhere around that age. I can’t remember. She had to go to the bathroom when the movie was over. Alex told me to take her. I’m like – are you kiddin me; I’m not taking her to the bathroom. I hadn’t dealt with kids on that level since I was a kid. Anyhow, Alex ended up taking her to the men’s room to go to the bathroom. I know; it was really bad. I think I’d be able to handle something like it now, if it were to happen. He said when she was in the bathroom, she asked where the bottle was (Istingah bottle of water to wipe with). It was cute. She was an adorable little thing in Hijab. I mentioned before that Alex said if I were to have a child, he’d have to take it to work with him. He fear I’d ACCIDENTALLY kill it LOOOL. He may be right.

    @Billy,

    I pray all is going well with you and the little one. Maybe this is just your practice for what is in store for you rolling on the floor We know if Allah has determine someone will have a child, they will have one. Perhaps the motherly instinct will kick in while you bond with the little booger hee hee Billy, it was way comical about your great grandpa. oh, my goodness.

    Anyhow, when you get a moment, stop in and let us know how you’re coming along with the little guy. I’m looking forward to reading what you have to say about labeling or categorizing people.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Gail

    January 9, 2014

    Billy,
    Try to give the baby small things to play with and fed is my advice.even a spoon and pot to beat on is fine if u can handle that.I am sure the baby just misses and wants it’s mother.Good luck.

  • ana

    January 9, 2014

    Dear Laila,

    No, your post was not “jumbled up.” It was an EXCELLENT post and you’ve had a lot of the experience. You’ve had to deal with a schedule that appeared to be unfair and you made huge sacrifices. Now, you’re putting your foot down and have demanded more, as the time is now right, and are getting it. Nothing happens before it’s time – Allah’s time.

    It’s not too late for the honeymoon. Had you done the honeymoon then, where would you have liked to go and what would you have liked to do. You could plan it now and if it’s Allah’s will, it will come to fruition. If it will be quite costly and you have some extra money, you could chip in to help pay for it. It’s what my intention is with the trip I’d like to take with Alex that I just recently spoke of. He doesn’t have the monies to pay right now, as he has a lot on his plate. He’s renovating the house his mom left him when she passed away and he’s trying to maintain two families. I don’t mind helping him with things that I will benefit from as well, such as vacations.

    Again, Laila, excellent post. You said so many good things that I’d have to rewrite your post to comment on all of it LOL. I especially like what you said, as follows: ” ….. A wife can either be a burden or a blessing to an existing family. It’s everyone’s test towards the right path at the end of the day.” It most certainly is a test for everyone…

    @Billy, As Salaam Alaikum,

    Hello there, my friend. I have to go offer salat (Zuhr) now, but, Insha Allah, I’ll be back soon to read you happy

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • billy

    January 9, 2014

    i really don’t see why people feel the need to classify people into certain groups. everyone and most every situation is different. case in point, my situation. it doesn’t neatly fit into any group, or even sloppily for that matter lol. but more later, i’m stuck with a sick booger laden 1 year old while everyone else is on a ski trip. i should put him to bed rather than ignore his incessant cries and type sad bleh. this is why i don’t do the whole motherhood thing. anyone know a good way to stop a baby from crying?

    idk maybe he needs to be fed or something. he’s not even my stepwifes kid.. why did i agree to babysit him? i realize now that i have a problem saying no.

    i haven’t changed a diaper since i was 16 and i’m not looking forward to it this time around. of course when i was 16 i was changing it for my great grandpa… tmi. i kno. i know. deal with it.

    ok i should seriously go now. i’ll be back to elaborate on the matter once he’s down. its either changing, feeding… or something else that i can’t put my finger on.. my stepwife says its always one of those three.. how can i forget what the third is?!?! dumb me. was it burping? idk. my heads starting to hurt thinking about it. or maybe its his screaming-cries.. times like this i mutter underneath my breath “thank you for the miscarriage”. sorry if it sounds brutal lol. i really don’t know how women do this full time. i’d lose my head. which is saying a lot cuz i’m a patient person for the most part.

  • Laila

    January 9, 2014

    Dear Ana, my reply is a bit jumbled up. Please be patient happy sorry… my laptop went crazy again.

    Salam

  • Laila

    January 9, 2014

    Hello Rasha! and all my sisters here on the blog… Ive missed all of you!!!! happy As pertaining to your question, as to why women before getting themselves married agree to ALMOST anything, but after they are legalized, they scream for more…. This is my opinion on the matter.

    I think a lot of women THINK that they are able to deceive the man by getting married first and later demand. They agree to almost everything laid down by their future husbands and demand nothing more. At times, there are cases where the women are really genuine, but when they see or know about their co-wives having a bit extra, they begin to feel jealous, and feel wronged and that matters aren’t fair when it come to them. I also believe that “outside” interference is also a huge problem. Women generally have a tendency to share their feeling and private matters with their close friend’s and sometimes when exchanging stories, they might feel that they are getting a raw deal at the end of the day. My co-wife used to throw all sorts of tantrums saying that I get far more than her thanx to her ever “caring and concerned” friends. One day, hubby got so upset, he just told her to get her act together or else he’s ready to get a divorce. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her but men can’t handle too many emotional tantrums all the time. Ive also had to suck it up. Sometimes my co-wife gets something extra and sometimes I get extra. To be fair entirely is difficult as women are so different in nature. E.g. I loveeeeeee gold, and she doesn’t.

    At times I also believe that women don’t really understand what they have got themselves into until reality hits in. After the honeymoon period, they may find that their husbands are following a schedule, and that it’s not just her feelings or activities that needs to be taken into account but also the activity of the co-wife and their children.You know something, I went throught this situation. After we got our nikah we stayed overnight in a hotel and the next day we went sightseeing and at night he went home to my co-wife. I never to this day have had a honeymoon. I can’t even say what’s it’s all about. I got married in such a low key manner, and so today when I look back, sometimes I do have my regrets. When the honeymoon period stops, seriously, you are all alone. So in the long run, this could make a woman / wife calculative, petty and demanding. Mind you also, that in this group of woman not all are just averagely educated. Some are highly educated, so in my point of view it’s got nothing to do with their education level, rather they can’t cope with reality.

    I also am of the belief that sometimes we women can be really ungrateful. We don’t really know what we have till we loose it. Many women who marry into existing families must get a serious reality check. Not everything is about them and their needs alone. Selfishness has taken centre stage. It’s not longer about the interest of the family as a whole but it’s about her own feelings. At times, the husband could be a superbly good provider but he may need to “eat” into the schedule of the new wife. Instead of understanding, as his kids may be sick, may need him, might be crying badly when he’s about to leave and he doesn’t have the heart to leave his kids for that night alone, and so anger eats away…. Hence the calculative and demanding nature.

    I think that every new wife that joins an existing family must learn to be flexible, that goes for me too happy and disciplined. Disciplined enough to know that if it’s her co’s day, she must not place silly favours or call unnecessarily and so on….. A wife can either be a burden or a blessing to an existing family. It’s everyone’s test towards the right path at the end of the day.

    Salam.

    Rasha there are all sorts of women out there. When our husbands decided to remarry we can’t really say that it’s a guarantee that everything will go well. That’s why sometimes in my own opinion and experiences, polygamy works so well when all the wives communicate with one another and look at one another not as an enemy, but as a sister or else wife. Sometimes Im a bit shy to say that I can be a bit petty. I jump when my husband want’s to use an extra day or so. In the past…. I never used to even question him. Now he knows im personally keeping track. Ive changed because of my unfavourable situation with my co-wife. When I look back, I realize so much more can be achieved when everyone works as a team. Some families I know in my neighbourhood even have duties for each wife. One goes out and works and the other takes care of all the kids. But this only can happen when all are focused towards Allah s.w.t. and the primary goal of the family itself. Times like this I really admire Islam and the lessons we can learn and inculcate into our lives.

  • ana

    January 9, 2014

    I made a few adjustments to the comment that I made about “adultery” http://polygamy411.com/where-do-you-fit-in-polygamy/#comment-56036 I corrected a few typos, and made a correction to what I said ummof4 stated about the punishment. She didn’t mention stoning, only death. I mentioned stoning is not the correct punishment for adultery.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 9, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace To All

    @U235sentinel, hello there. I’m so happy you stopped in. I hope all is good with you and the family. You sound like a happy camper. It’s all good. Please don’t forget; if you hear of any new developments about the legalization matter (polygamy), please fill us in big grin

    @Sarata,

    Where have you been, sis? I’ve thought of you. I’m glad you’re still with us and all is good. happy

    Well, it is time for me to retire for a few more hours or so. Off to the boudoir I go. Chat with you all later.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 9, 2014

    polygamy 411***Please Note: The main post above http://polygamy411.com/where-do-you-fit-in-polygamy/ is primarily for read purpose and contemplation. It’s not necessary for anyone to comment about their particular situation with regard to it unless they want to. On this thread, Insha Allah, feel free to continue with general discussions.***

    Remember Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Sarata

    January 9, 2014

    Asalaamu Alaikum all – sorry it’s been a while since I popped by!
    I hope everyone is fine In’shaa Allāh!
    Alhamdulillah I find myself in category number1. Except, so far none of us have played any games (to my knowledge)
    The first few months were relatively difficult, but then hubs went away on business for 4 months and alhamdulillah – Allah orchestrated it that way. Since he returned I’ve not had any of the battles with shaytan on my wives nights that I was having before. I think the break from them was just what I needed and apparently shaytan got bored here and went on his own trip for now alhamdulillah. May it stay that way!

    Now we are good (as we were before on the surface) but now I’m not having to fight my naffs and hide my true feelings anymore as that’s changed for me. 

    My situation alhamdulillah I know started with good foundations in comparison to many but I thank Allah that we are able to make it work. 

    When I get time I’m gonna have to browse through the blog to catch up with what you’re all up to In’shaa Allāh!

  • Gail

    January 9, 2014

    KA126,
    Thanks for letting me know about you being happy with using a nanny.I really didn’t want to have to do that but I may very well end up finding myself in that exact situation it seems.

    Fatima,
    Hope all is going well with your pregnancy.

    Ana,
    No I did not know about the cell phone scam thing here in USA.Seems strange to me but from what I understand in Pakistan it is big money in reselling computers and cellphones.

  • u235sentinel

    January 9, 2014

    Number 1 here definitely. Though honestly my wife has to be a part of this for it to work IMO.big grin

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    @Maureen, Wa Alaikum As Salaam, happy

    I hope you and the little guy are well. Insha Allah, Fatima’s going to join you and Marie. I’m excited to see what she will bring forth. I just love all the little darlings; although, I don’t know them up close and personal. It feels as though I do.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Maureen

    January 8, 2014

    Assalamu Alaykum all,
    I hope you all are doing fine.
    Xx

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    There is another thing we should consider – when a man and a woman marry and become intimate, a bond is formed between them. The two usually begin to love one another. Intimacy creates love and affection. The couple may not have known each other before they married. Once they become husband and wife there is a tie that binds. The same as you love your husband, she begins to love him the same way too. The same way you want to be with him as much as you can, she does too. What you want, she wants. You’re both women. We feel the same emotions. We love the same way. We want the same things. We are all women. The number we married in shouldn’t matter. We make it matter because we want to minimize the importance of the other relationship. We want it to be about us. We try to make the other insignificant or non-existent.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    Rasha, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    You asked a very good question. I’ll take a shot at it. I think there are some women who really didn’t know what they were signing up for until they got in it. Someone spoke of it before here on the blog and summed it up nicely. The person had spoken with an Imam who said no women should give up maintenance, as they won’t be satisfied with the arrangement in the long run. Think about it. A woman may want to get married badly. She may have her own apartment or home and a very good job whereby she really doesn’t need the man’s money. She agreed to the arrangement that he would be her husband and he need not do anything but give her intimacy and companionship. As time goes on, she may end up resenting that she has to care for herself financially while his other wife is being treated like royalty. The other wife may be a stay at home mom, while she’s out busting her rump. (Jenny, spoke of this scenario many of times here). The wife who married second may begin to feel it’s unfair. Perhaps she may see it as a role reversal or begin to feel she is a ho (whore) only available for his pleasure. No one knows what they are getting until they get it. Even a first wife who marries as an only wife may not know. No one knows anyone and what they will get until they are in it.

    Another scenario is the woman who would agree to anything just to get the man, thinking that once she gets him under her sway, he’s hers. He’ll leave the other in a heartbeat. All she needs to do is lure him in and he’ll eventually get rid of the other for her. I have a feeling it was what my husband’s other thought. She was with him for three years before he met and married me. I don’t think my husband actually began to practice Islam until he married me. Who knows. He may not have become Muslim till he married me. Allah knows best. Nonetheless, I think that she thought he was so unhappy with me that he went back and got her. She even asked me, “well, why did he come back and get me?” She apparently thought that once he got back with her, he’d realize what he was missing, and would leave me although he said he told her straight – “I’m not going to leave Ana, so if you think I’m going to then don’t marry me.”

    It’s either that the women didn’t know what they really were signing up for or they thought they could get what they wanted once they got in the door.

    Those are my thoughts on it for what they are worth.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • Rasha

    January 8, 2014

    Salaams.
    I feel like at some point during my roller coaster I was in scenario one and two.
    What I want to know is why do women sell themselves short and Forfeit maintenance to be the second wife. And then after the honeymoon is over demand MORE. You what the freak you was getting 😙

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum & Peace to All,

    I wanted to comment on something that ummof4 brought to our attention in her post. She stated that in some Islamic States they punish the adulterer by way of death. I am aware that it occurs in some Islamic countries, usually by way of stoning. It is usually only the women who are stoned to death, not the men who committed adultery with the women.

    It’s just another indication of how people make up their own rules and laws when it come to Islam. Many follow tribal laws. They don’t listen to Allah swt.

    I’m sure I sound like a broken record about how the masses of Muslims today disobey Allah in so many ways. They associated partners with Allah; they can’t mention Allah or the Quran without mentioning someone else or another book(s) along with Him. They have broken their religion up in sects, which Allah specifically tells us not to do. We are not Sunni Muslims, Shia/Shite Muslims, Salaafi (or whatever Muslims). Allah named us “Muslims”; it’s simple. If we identify with any sect, we are disobeying Allah. If we’re an Arab and we think we are any better than any other Muslim who is white, black, Asian and whatever else, and vice versa, we are disobeying Allah. Allah says the one who is most righteous is more honorably than another. It’s what makes the difference.

    Allah swt says we need four witnesses to adultery. Evidence like it is hard to come by. It could mean that Allah will deal with the adulterer Himself. It could be so a man and woman won’t be accused of fornication or adultery based on on someone seeing a male and female together who aren’t married. Allah knows best. We do know neither stoning or death is the punishment Allah prescribed for adultery. Allah swt says:

    “The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication – flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment.”
    Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 2

    “Let no man guilty of adultery or fornication marry any but a woman similarly guilty, or an Unbeliever: or an Unbeliever marry such a woman: To the Believer such a thing is forbidden.”
    Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 3

    “And those who launch a charge against chaste women and produce not four witnesses (to support their allegations) – flog them with eighty stripes; and reject their evidence ever after: for such men are wicked transgressors –
    Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 4

    “Unless they repent thereafter and mend (their conduct): for Allah is Oft-forgiving, Most Merciful.”
    Quran: Surah 24, Ayah 5

    The Ayat that follows the ones mentioned above address the spouses who launch a charge against their spouses, but have no evidence to support their allegations. They take oaths amongst themselves and one of the parties will invoke the curse of Allah on him or herself. I didn’t type the Ayats here. Insha Allah, you could read them yourself.

    It’s a serious charge. Those better know what they’re doing when they bring such a charge against someone. My husband’s other stands to suffer serious consequences for slander and lying in saying my wali/bestess and I are having an affair. She said it to me on the post she sent to the blog. If she knows what I know she best repent, ask Allah’s forgiveness, and vow never to say it again.

    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.

  • KA126

    January 8, 2014

    What a wonderful topic

  • ana

    January 8, 2014

    As Salaamu Alaikum and Peace to All,

    peace

    We are at the start of a new thread. For those who wish to continue to read the previous thread or would like to refresh their memories, the previous thread was: http://polygamy411.com/love-allah-more/

    I thank Allah swt much for each and every one of you who have joined us here, and have become a member of our blog group. Alhumdulliah (All praise is due to Allah).

    polygamy 411
    This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.