Where do you fit in polygamy? How would you categorize your marriage or the marriages of others involved in your union? One of our blog sisters ummof4 analyzed the different types of relationships she has read about here at polygamy 411 and she categorized them, which I thought was very good. I, therefore, have shared ummof4′s analysis with everyone as a post, with her consent. She stated the following:
“As-salaamu Alaikum and hello to all,
I have been reading the posts for the past few days and have done a little bit of analyzing. Here goes:
There are at least 4 different types of relationships that are occurring here. Some even have subcategories.
1. A Real Marriage That Becomes Polygynous – A couple are married for a period of time. The husband decides to become polygynous. He may or may not consult his first wife about his decision. He marries the second wife and it is known to his first wife. The first wife goes through her emotional changes, but after the smoke clears, she remains married to her husband. Her husband is fulfilling his responsibilities towards her, he just now has responsibilities towards two wives. Finances, time spent, etc,. are done according to the laws of Islaam. The first and second wives may or may not be friends, but there is no great animosity and everyone respects everyone else. Occasionally one wife or the other may attempt to play games or make a power play, but the husband has enough Allah consciousness and maturity not to participate in game playing. There is no adultery involved before the second marriage takes place.
2. The “Secret Wife” – The secret wife may be the first wife and the man never tells the second wife about the first one until after they are married for a while. The man really wants to marry the second wife and is afraid that if he tells her he is already married, she will not marry him. So he keeps his first wife a secret until he can no longer do so.
Usually, however, the secret wife is the second wife. The husband convinces her to marry him and she agrees to be kept a secret for a period of time. The husband tells her that he really does not love his first wife, but had to marry her for the sake of family. The second wife is the only woman he has ever loved, and he just can’t live without her. The woman is flattered that she is his first and only love. He cannot tell his first wife because even though he doesn’t love her or really care about her, she has his children. Or he may say he cares about her a little bit and does not want to cause her pain. Or he may or may not care about her, but cannot divorce her because it would tear his family apart.
Secret wives often live far away from each other, so the plan works fine for the husband. He does not have to explain his absences to his first or second wife. He has to travel for business, work or studies, so it is not difficult to keep the wife secret. Sometimes he provides maintenance for his secret wife and sometimes he doesn’t, particularly if she tells him she only needs him and not his money.
3. Adultery With Caring Benefits – A man meets a woman. They begin to date. They begin to have strong feelings for each other. They begin to have sexual encounters whether they are kissing, hugging, phone or internet sex, oral sex or sexual intercourse. The woman falls in love with the man and wants to marry him. He tells her that he can’t marry her because he is already married. He does not love his wife but has to stay married to her for the children, finances, family reputation, his job, he does not want to cause her pain, etc. As soon as he feels the time is right he will divorce his wife. Until then, he and his adultery partner should continue their relationship. He knows he is wrong, but it feels so good and his wife never has made him feel so good. He has never felt about his wife the way he feels about his adultery partner. The adultery partner has made his life complete, and if she leaves him, he doesn’t know what he will do without her. So, the adultery partner continues the relationship with the hope that one day she will be his only wife. And the husband continues to commit adultery, often with his wife believing that she has a faithful husband. This type of relationship can work well f or the man even if the two women live close to each other, because the adultery partner doesn’t get a lot of time; just a few stolen moments here and there. Often the husband committing adultery will give his adultery partner money and pay some of her bills.
4. The Booty Call. – This is similar to adultery with caring benefits. Often the man does not see this adultery partner on a regular basis. She usually lives far away from his primary home. He meets her at work or at an entertainment venue and they strike up a conversation. They have similar interests and begin to have sexual intercourse with each other. He does not profess his undying love for her, but tells her that they have a good thing going on, so let’s keep it going. If she finds out he is married, he does not promise to marry her, but promises to always be there for her through thick and thin. He may or may not give her money or pay her bills.
Only the first relationship is halal according to the Qur’an and Sunnah. The other three are haram. There should be no secret marriages in Islam and a marriage should not consist of lies and deceit. And of course adultery is a major sin, punishable by death in an Islamic state.
It is not for me to tell anyone what to do with her life. But ladies, let’s call adultery what it is, and stop calling it an affair. And stop making excuses for these lying, irresponsible men. If that’s what you want out of life, fine. But don’t make it sound all lovey dovey and romantic, when it is just plain sinful.
May Allah help us all and guide us to the truth and allow us to lead clean, morally upright lives. As women let us respect ourselves so we will be worthy of the respect of others. Let us consider another’s feelings before we try to justify being a secret wife or and adultery partner. Let us each want to stand before Allah in the Day of Judgement with as few major sins as possible and may we be worthy of Allah’s forgiveness on that Day.”
Written by: ummof4, one of our special commentators here at polygamy 411.
Much thanks to Allah swt for bringing ummof4 and all of us together, and for allowing her to share her wisdom, knowledge, and thoughts with all of us. I pray Allah swt continues to bestow His Grace, Mercy, Blessings, Bounties and Gifts upon us all.
***Please Note: This post is primarily for read purpose and contemplation. It is not necessary for anyone to comment about their particular situation with regard to this post unless they want to.***
Remember, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
This is an open house. No need to knock. Just come on in.