2 Reasons Wives Have Problems

2 reasons wives have problemsThis article addresses 2 reasons wives have problems in polygamous marriages. One is that they give Allah part-time worship. In the Quran, Allah warns Muslims not to do it.

Some Muslims pray to Him only when life gets difficult or when a misfortune or adversity happens to them. It is an example of what part-time worship is.They turn to Allah when all else fails and they need urgent, immediate and heavy-duty help.

There are Muslims who give Allah part-time worship by praying to Him only on Fridays at Jum’ah prayer. Some pray in a mosque for people to see and praise them, but don’t pray at home. There are Muslim who pray during the Holy Month of Ramadan only. It’s the only time that they read the Quran, as well, if they read it at all. In the Quran, Allah tells us when to pray. Muslims are to pray five times a day (salat prayer), not just when they want to do it.

Allah stresses how important it is to give regular charity. Charity is not for family members only. Charity is for various people. Allah tells us who to give charity to. Of course, there is more to worship than just prayer, fasting and charity. I don’t mean to make light of how important those acts are. Done properly and for the right reason, the acts are righteous deeds. We can’t cover here in a single article all that Allah requires Muslims to do. I just wanted to give a few examples of how some Muslims give Allah Part-time worship.

The 2nd of the 2 reasons wives have problems is about power

The wives think they have power, but only Allah does. He is the Healer. A wife can’t remove the pain that she thinks her husband caused her when he married another woman. Allah is the only One who can take away the pain that she feels. Until she realizes it and turns to Him, she will continue to suffer.

Usually the wife turns to non-Muslim family and friends for help. The problem is they may not know anything about polygamy and Islam. So how could they help her? For the most part, they do more harm, than they do good. The advice that they give could cause her to become more bitter and hateful than she was.

With it said, a wife can only feel better if Allah has favored her. It is up to Him to make her a believer. Despite what she does, who she turns to, or what she reads, other than the Quran, there is no help for her, if Allah does not help her. It takes much more to get relief than to turn to Allah in a time of trouble. It takes her being constant and consistent in her worship of Him.

So, now that we know the 2 reasons wives have problems in polygamous marriages, what must they do? They must turn their attention to Allah, and give Him full-time worship. She must learn her religion. She does it by reading and learning the Quran to live it. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is our example. Angel Gabriel told him to “read” when he revealed the Quran to him. It’s what we must do, as well. We must read the Quran.

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2 reasons wives have problems

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21 Comments

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2017

    Hayati,

    You’ll be okay. Be patient. Hang in there. Things will eventually get better for you. Keep putting your faith and trust in Allah. {lotz of hugs}

  • Hayati

    August 17, 2017

    Actually today my husband will come in my flat coz I told him that I wanted to talk with him..every time I open about this matter to him he always told me that we are Halal,and we’re not doing any adultery issue. I know he’s doing everything he can just to give me the rights that I needed.but I think in my situation the only thing that I can do is to be patient until I travel in my country.one of my friend told me that I just need to accept this situation while I’m here in the kingdom.i don’t have a choice he’s the only one I can rely on.inshaallah one day I can surpass this problem .i know that anything happens for a reason.thats why my advice to those ladies who were planning to accept this kind of marriage..make sure that you have an options if your relationship to this guy will not work out..better you have your own job..and don’t bring a baby in this relationship.coz I’m telling you it’s very hard specially when you wanted to end or divorce this guy..please think a hundred times..I don’t wish any woman to be in situation.to sister Anabel ,Serena and flower thank you for replying and for giving me advice..I really appreciate it.i am also willing to share my thoughts if anyone will visit this site..I will keep you all posted..for now please include me in your dua specially my baby..though we have different location in just glad that I can share my feelings and my thoughts ..and my experiences in being a 2nd wife /secret wife..take care

    Salamalaykum !!

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2017

    Hayati,

    I agree with Flower. Don’t tell anyone. Without having documentation of your misyar marriage the Saudis could accuse you of having fornicated. They could have you killed, Stoned. Those People Are Crazy. Try to get to the Philippine Embassy and get some help to get you and your child out of that country.

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2017

    Sadly Hayati’s situation reminds me of a movie that I just watched, “The Room”. Only how they got to that point is different. Good movie.

  • Flower

    August 17, 2017

    Hayati

    Iv done some Googling and it seems that a misyar marriage CAN be legal in Saudia Arabia IF the correct process has taken place, which involves a ‘sheikh’ coming to your home and you both signing contracts. According to your post that didn’t happen. There are disagreements between Saudi residents wether the ‘wife’ has any rights at all, it seems the majority see it as having a legal mistress. The point of a misar marriage in Saudi is so the man has zero responsibilitys, He can come and go as her pleases and usually done so the man doesn’t have to tell his current wife, although the marriage should still be declared to close family members.

    The other thing I found is that a Saudi man has to go through a lengthy process to conduct a misar or regular marriage to a foreigner. This didn’t happen with you. The HUGE problem this brings is that under saudi law you are fornicating and have an illegitimate child. If you are charged with the crime of fornication it’s VERY VERY bad news. So you cannot go to the Saudi Goverment to get help or even advice on your situation. I assume that will bring problems in the future when it comes to schooling and medical care for your baby. What did you tell the hospital about the father of the baby?

    My worry about telling the 1st wife about you is, if she finds out you a A) a foreign woman and B) married in misar with no legal documents will she go to the authority’s about you. At the minute she suspectes he has another wife but she could also assume she is a Saudi woman with a legal contract. She’s bound to be extremely upset and angry about the whole thing so I don’t think telling her make your situation better, in fact it may make it a whole lot worse.

    I think the best thing you can do is contact the embassy as Ana suggested and sneak out of Saudi, unless you want to stay locked up at home with a husband who visits when it suites him. He knows he has you hook, line and sinker and I don’t think he has any intention or ever bringing you out of hiding. That’s why he conducted the marriage he did with you. He took advantage of you lack of knowledge in Islam and Saudi laws.

  • Hayati

    August 17, 2017

    Hello again sis Anabellah and sis Serena😊

    I am really glad that I have found this site,thank you to the both of you for replying and I really appreciate it .Alhamdulilah, honestly speaking my husband and I are almost 2 years now. As you can see in Saudi Arabia,the Saudi guy are not allowed to marry an expats unless he has a wasta in the government who can help him.here they need to ask a permission from the government before they can marry other nationalities.thats why a lot of them preferred to do it in misyar.i don’t know for some women here if they ask how many months or years they will be together,but in my case my husband told me that he want me for life.he really wanted to marry me in a legal process but the problem is the government will ask him why he want to marry a Filipina ?when there’s a lot of divorced saudi women who wanted to accept as a second wife..wallah,the government here makes it difficult to marry other nationalities.My husband told me that he doesn’t want to marry another Saudi woman coz his first wife is already a Saudi citizen like him..when we got married there is no other person aside from us. But he let me say something in Holy Quran before he accepted me as his wife .He told me that what’s really matters is that Allah knows that I am his wife and his intentions to me are pure.honestly,he is a good person,he is also a good provider.i know that he love’s me coz every time I called him if I need him to go with me and my baby to hospital for some vaccines he was always there.when I gave birth last June I didn’t put his name in my child’s birth certificate coz If I travel one day I don’t have any problem for my baby to bring her there in my country coz I told the personnel in the hospital that my husband is a Filipino.though they have some doubts coz my daughter her face is not Asian she has an Arabian looks.even my husband last time told me that nobody will believe me that her father is a Filipino.my husband told me that if I wanted to travel in the future he will ask his friend who is working in the immigration to help me and my daughter travel..but now he changed what he told me..he told me that if I will work he will take our baby from me and he will give my baby to his mom😔😔 I am stucked wallahi..i told him that I can’t take this anymore and it’s better for me and him to divorce..mind you sister,I’m not afraid to divorce him..all I want is peace..I have the number of his first wife since I gave birth last June I really wanted to talk to his wife but I’m afraid I might cause trouble for her and to my husband..I don’t know where I stand in this situation.i don’t want to hurt this woman..all I wanted is to go back home safely with my daughter.its up to my husband if he is willing to tell her the truth that he has another wife and a baby..Allahu ahlam! I don’t want to be a secret wife anymore..my heart is broken that I really love my husband..but somehow someday I need to let him go..coz I can’t take this situation anymore😭😔😪

  • anabellah

    August 17, 2017

    Hayati,

    Based on what I read in the article, you don’t have a leg to stand on. You agreed to a marriage of convenience. The only avenue I see available for you is divorce, if you don’t want to continue in the relationship.

    Based on what you said in your previous posts, you agreed to the marriage for financial assistance and apparently sex. You now have fallen in love with him and want a regular “Marriage”. Apparently, he’s not able or willing to give you that.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Hayati,

    I suggest you contact the Philippine Embassy in Riyadh and ask questions. Tell them your situation. Find out if there is anyway you could protect your child from being taken from you. How you could have your husband continue to be financially responsible to you and your child. Maybe they could get you legal representation. I only know how things are done in the US. Anyhow, it may work for you. It worth a try unless you want to stay in the situation as is.

    Some of the reviews that I read showed that some had difficulties with getting through by way of phone. It’s probably best to go there. Get there early and expect to be there a while.

    Philippine Embassy
    Embassy in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia
    Alradaef St, Safarat, Riyadh 11693, Saudi Arabia
    Phone: +966 11 482 3559
    Hours: · 8AM–5PM

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Serena,

    I was wondering the same thing about Hayati, whether or not she had witnesses – a legitimate marriage (not meaning it being with a “legal” document as in “Marriage License/Certificate”, but one that had witnesses, as you asked her.)

    I’d imagine some have marriages in which they had no witnesses or documentation, but only said to each other that they are married.

  • Serena

    August 16, 2017

    Hayati

    I agree with Ana you are rather stuck in a situation. Hoping Allah helps you with this.

    Did you have witnesses at your wedding and do you have documents that prove your marriage took place?

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    I think nine out of ten times women who give up their rights in order to marry the men are going to want their full rights at some time or another. Once they’ve given up their rights, it’s not easy to get them. After all, it’s a contract they’ve entered. It’s what they agreed on to get married. It’s the basis for their marriage. We are to honor contracts. A husband is within his rights to divorce the wife, if he doesn’t want to give her more or can’t.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Serena,

    Thank you much for explaining the difference between mutah marriages and misyar marriages. Some of the commentators have spoken about those marriages on the blog from time to time. I always tend to forget which is which or think their both the same.

  • Serena

    August 16, 2017

    Salam

    Hayati

    Congratulations and alhumdulillah on the birth of your baby girl.

    From what I understand the difference between a mutah (shia temporary marriage) and misyar marriage is that misyar does not have a time limit it’s not a temporary marriage, rather it’s where the wife gives up some of her rights. A lot of scholars say such marriage should not be carried out as men tend to take advantage of it.

    We can see this has happened in your case. Your husband is using you for his personal needs. He doesn’t spend time equally and that is not fair on you or your daughter.

    Would you be able to get a passport for your daughter and is her father’s name included in the birth certificate?

    I don’t understand why he is still keeping you and now the baby a secret from his wife yet threatens to take the child if you work? Where would he keep the child of he took her off you?

    Your baby is still small and needs you and not to be taken away from you. Can you not reach out to someone online in Philippines to help you out? Are there any organisations in Saudi that help woman in your type of situation.

    Sorry can’t really offer much advice. Stay strong for yourself and baby.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Hayati,

    When I said the “miysar” marriages aren’t “valid” marriages, I say it because we should enter marriage with the intent that they will be lasting marriages, not for a set period of time. If it’s the parties intent to have a lasting marriage and it doesn’t work, it’s a different story.

    We aren’t supposed to marry for lust. A man can help a woman (or anyone) without being married to her. Your husband is treating you as a mistress in hiding you from his other wife. Marriage is not about tucking away a wife, hiding her in secrecy away from society.

    Only Allah knows if He accepts your marriage as valid in His sight. I certainly don’t question the validity of your marriage in that sense. It’s not for me to do so.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Hayati, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    First, I’m so happy to hear about your wonderful bundle of joy, a beautiful little girl. Alhumdulliah! 🙂

    About your situation, I reread your previous post along with your current one. I don’t know much about “misyar” marriages other than, I think they are temporary marriages for a set period and purpose. They aren’t valid marriages based on Islam.

    It is so difficult when women agree to marry married men under certain conditions that they both agreed to, and then the wives decide they no longer want to abide by the contract but want more. If the wife wants more and the husband can’t give it to her, she has divorce as an option available to her.

    In your case, I understand it’s more difficult for you, because you risk your husband taking your child from you. It’s especially difficult for you since you are now residing in Saudi Arabia. I see you getting no help from anyone in authority there. Most likely, they will support your husband. If you were to leave your husband, I have no doubt that he could take your child from you without a problem. I don’t know anything about Saudi laws, but I know the type of government it is.

    One reason your husband probably doesn’t want you to work is because he knows that as long as you are dependent only on him the likelihood of you leaving him is slim. He has more control over you, if you don’t have your own money.

    It seems that you are quite stuck. I suggest you tell his wife that you are his wife too, and you have his child and would like equal time with him. She as his wife has a right to know about you, and you have a right to be known as his wife and not be treated as a mistress. There is no guarantee that your husband will give you more of his time, but at least you won’t be a secret to his other wife any longer. Perhaps she’ll have some sympathy/empathy/compassion towards you; although, I doubt it so don’t hold your breathe waiting for it to happen.

    You may at some point need to figure out how you could leave Saudi with your baby. You’ll need to look into what services are available in the Philippines where you are from to help get you back there with your child or where ever you intend to go, if you leave him. Be prepared to find that your husband may have all legal rights to the child, and you have none. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I don’t know Saudi laws.

    We’re here for you, if you want to talk more. Perhaps others will have other ideas or input for you.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Hayati, Wa Alaikum As Salaam,

    Initially, I thought to move your post over to the August 2017 discussions but decided against it after further consideration, as your post is relevant to the topic above.

    I have placed a link here for those who would like to refresh their memories of Hayati’s initial post and the replies.

  • Hayati

    August 16, 2017

    As’Salam malaikum waramatulahi wa’barakatuh!
    Hello sister, first of all I just hope that all of you here are doing well..Alhamdulilah ..anyway this is my second post in this site..by the way last June I already gave birth to a beautiful little girl 😊Masha’Allah I couldn’t be happier coz Allah give me this another bundle of joy! So my story goes like this I am a second wife of a saudi guy here in saudi,as what I’ve told you before his wife doesn’t know anything that he has another wife maybe this time she already had an idea I’m still not sure about it.coz I my husband told me that his wife kept asking him if he has another wife,coz she felt that he has a lot of changes towards her nowadays .honestly speaking, i really wanted to end up my relationship to this man.my marriage to him is only misyar marriage.i am so tired about this relationship sister..he doesn’t give equal time for me,I don’t know if I have the right to demand that because our marriage is not legal( he told me that as long as I accepted you as my wife in front of Allah and I provide your needs that’s enough.i am trying to understand that but since we have a daughter Now I am expecting him to spend more time with us.but it’s just breaking my heart that he always failed to this promises.we always fight each other this past few months because I’m beggining to demand his time .i always asked him why you are doing this.if you can’t man enough to tell your wife that you have a second wife and a daughter better we end this relationship.wallahi sister ,I am not expecting that I will end up like this😔😭😪 I am not happy for this situation anymore..my only concern at this moment is that I don’t have a job to support myself and my baby😕 He told me that if I will find a job he will take my daughter away from me😭 I am willing to let him go if that’s the only way I can have peace of mind.i love him wallahi but I don’t want to see myself like this..I felt pity..please sister I want some of your advice what should I do..?by the way I am from Philippines and I am living here in the kingdom since 2013..I really appreciate all your advice..thank you so much.

  • anabellah

    August 16, 2017

    Flower,

    Thank you so much for elaborating. You were so clear and precise. Perhaps others will understand better now. Nice job! I like how you said it. You said A LOT with not many words. We should all reflect on it.

  • Flower

    August 16, 2017

    *Typo*. It DOES’NT, require any letting.

  • Flower

    August 16, 2017

    This is a nice reminder. Especially the part about about power. Many people get confused about this and start saying things that are not only incorrect but also add another burden to them. Some Muslims seem to have adopted a Christian slogan, without really thinking about what they are saying. They say “let go and let God” initially it sounds good and inspiring, but it doesn’t make sense. Do people really think they are “letting” Allah take control of a situation? Do they really think they have to “let go”. If they do then they haven’t accepted or do not know Allah’s attributes, Allah IS the power, Allah IS the controller of all things, He ‘lets’ us. He allows US, to worship Him, believe in Him, and know His power. They’re going to have a hard time trying to do the impossible,how does one do the impossible lol. What one NEEDS to do is KNOW AND BELIEVE that Allah IS in control of everything, He always has been and always will be. It’s not a choice. It’s not something we have to do. We have know and believe it, in order to have contentment in whatever situation we’re placed in. It’s also a very arrogant position to take, to think that anyone has the power to bring in an interceptor, as if they ‘decide’ when, where and if Allah has an influence in their situation. Allah created the situation, your feelings about it and the thoughts you have. He also created the solution, He revealed it in Qur’an, You just have to read, know and believe. It’s so simple and does require ANY ‘letting’ whatsoever. It already IS.